A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Behind Hooked Hands”

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Now Fernald has a very funny way of looking at life and as to why he sided with Count Olaf. As to why, because he couldn’t stand his control freak stepdad ordering him around and proclaims that Widdershins isn’t his last name. Though he’s right about the Daily Punctilio getting a lot of stuff wrong. Yet, he admitted to it in front of the kids despite not being proud of it. Nonetheless, his motivations behind joining the troupe makes absolutely no sense since Olaf basically orders him around anyway. But he then states, “Well Olaf isn’t all bad. For instance, he has a wonderful laugh.” So do a lot of villains but that doesn’t justify their villainous behavior. He then goes on to say, “People aren’t either wicked or noble. They’re like chef’s salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.” It’s a good analogy and he’s right but while the Baudelaires might’ve done wicked things, they were either forced to or because they didn’t see any legal alternative to getting something they needed or wanted like The Snicket File. Besides, they’re clearly not the aggressor in their situation which they were forced into by circumstances beyond their control. But to Fernald, the only difference between him and the Baudelaires are the portraits on their sub uniforms.

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For Fernald’s worldview, I used The Who’s “Behind Blue Eyes” which was written as a villain song who believes he’s forced into villainy but feel he’s a good guy. Yet, he’s also full of angst because of all the pressure and temptation surrounding him. The Hook-Handed Man fits this description almost to a T. Because I only changed the bridge electric guitar section of this song the most.

 

“Behind Hooked Hands

Sung by Fernald, the Hook-Handed Man

No one knows what it’s like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind hooked hands

No one knows what it’s like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies

But my dreams
They aren’t as empty
As my conscience
Seems to be

I have hours
Only lonely
My love is vengeance
That’s never free

No one knows what it’s like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

But my dreams
They aren’t as empty
As my conscience
Seems to be

I have hours
Only lonely
My love is vengeance
That’s never free

We’re neither wicked
Nor so noble
Like chef’s salads
In doubt and strife

Do you really
Think we’re so different?
You’ve burned things down
And so have I

We’ve joined sub crews
With volatile captains
Trying to reach
The same hotel

The only difference
We wear different portraits
On our suits
As far I can tell

No one knows what it’s like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind hooked hands

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Arson”

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As the Hook-Handed Man gives his insight into the moral ambiguity of life,  Fiona and the elder Baudelaires try to pressure him to take them back to the Queequeg so they can help Sunny who’s chances of surviving are slipping every minute. Fernald is reluctant to aid them since things go badly which lands him on the receiving end of Olaf’s angry outbursts. But Fiona keeps pushing on as her brother makes a point like, “Why does it matter since both sides do terrible things?” Then Violet reveals the article by Jacques Snicket she had been holding since the Gorgonian Grotto under the headline “Verifying Fernald’s Defection” which reads: “It has now been confirmed that the fire that destroyed Anwhistle Aquatics, and took the life of famed ichnologist Gregor Anwhistle, was set by Fernald Widdershins, the son of the captain of the Queequeg submarine. The Widdershins family’s participation in a recent schism has raised several questions regarding…” Fernald reveals that he’s not proud of what he did but then he goes into his rant on human ambiguity and raises that the Baudelaires burned down the Caligari Carnival, a fire he willingly participated in. All while Klaus is pleading with him on Sunny’s behalf.

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The song I went with here is David Bowie’s “Starman” which is about Ziggy Stardust bringing a message of hope to Earth’s youth, through the radio, salvation by an alien “Starman.” Though other interpretations range from the Second Coming to Close Encounters of the Third Kind. In this version Violet confronts the Hook-Handed Man about the fire he started at Anwhistle Aquatics while Klaus pleads with him to save Sunny’s life.

 

“Arson”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Found this clipping while we were in the grotto
While we searched for the Sugar Bowl
Poison mushrooms gave us no place to go
Your sister said you two played a game
Got a sinking feeling when she said your name
So, I claimed the piece was too blurred to read

You did arson and you took a life
You burned Anwhistle Aquatics
Along with Greg Anwhistle alive
You did arson and you took a life
It’s in the Punctilio
Do you think you’re justified?

Klaus:
For God’s sake please
Let us get to Queequeg
Let us save our Sunny
Or else she’s going to die

Violet:
There may be mistakes in the Punctilio
But you just confessed you did it so
You think we’re no better but now you must let us go
We may have burned down Caligari
But you were there as a willing party
Your boss forced us but now it’s spread far and wide

You did arson and you took a life
You burned Anwhistle Aquatics
Along with Greg Anwhistle alive
You did arson and you took a life
It’s in the Punctilio
Do you think you’re justified?

Klaus:
For God’s sake please
Let us get to Queequeg
Let us save our Sunny
Or else she’s going to die

Violet:
You did arson and you took a life
You burned Anwhistle Aquatics
Along with Greg Anwhistle alive
You did arson and you took a life
It’s in the Punctilio
Do you think you’re justified?

Klaus:
For God’s sake please
Let us get to Queequeg
Let us save our Sunny
Or else she’s going to die

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Stay Alive”

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Though the Baudelaires try to buy time for Sunny by telling him they can find the Sugar Bowl, Count Olaf’s not falling for that again. Besides, he doesn’t care at all about Sunny’s condition. So his plan is to throw them in the brig and have the Hook-Handed Man get them to talk. Yet, when he brings the kids onto his submarine, he gives them a tour because he thinks the octo-sub is that awesome. As Lemony Snicket writes: “This submarine is one of the greatest things I’ve ever stolen,” he bragged. “It has everything I’ll need to defeat V.F.D. once and for all. It has a sonar system, so I can rid the seas of V.F.D. submarines. It has an enormous flyswatter, so I can rid the skies of V.F.D. planes. It has a lifetime supply of matches, so I can rid the world of V.F.D. headquarters. It has several cases of wine that I plan to drink up myself, and a closet full of very stylish outfits for my girlfriend. And best of all, it has plenty of opportunities for children to do hard labour! Ha ha hedonism!” He shows them the room where he has Snow Scouts, Prufrock Prep kids, and other children reenact Ben Hur as an octopus dress-clad Esme Squalor whips them while Carmelita sings and dances around like “tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian.” Nonetheless, Count Olaf doesn’t care much for the brat while Esme adores her. Now if he could just ditch the two of them. He still keeps ignoring the elder Baudelaires’ pleas to save Sunny as well. But once they reach the brig, they are in for the ultimate shock: Fiona’s brother, Fernald is none other than the Hook-Handed Man. Though it’s a momentarily happy reunion, Fiona and the Hook-Handed Man later argue about why the other is allied with each other’s enemies.

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The song I selected is “Stay Alive” from Hamilton which revolves around the Battle of Monmouth and lead up to the duel between Hamilton’s bestie John Laurens and General Charles Lee who’s a chickenshit. And let’s just say the New Jersey summer battle ends in a stalemate and in George Washington losing his temper. In this version I have Count Olaf show the kids around his octo-sub and Fiona’s reunion with her brother Fernald.

 

“Stay Alive”

Violet:
Stay alive…

Klaus:
Stay alive…

Count Olaf:
This submarine’s the greatest thing I’ve ever stolen
It’s got all I need to destroy V.F.D. into oblivion
Has sonar system, matches, wine and large flyswatter
Got very stylish outfits for my girlfriend and her daughter
But best of all, it’s got plenty of hard labor
For children rowing boat oars, and on shifts of 24 hours

Violet:
Just let us help our Sunny

Count Olaf:
No sell!

Violet:
Olaf, listen. I can still tell you about the sugar bowl

Count Olaf:
Let’s go to the brig tonight

Violet:
Not right

Esme:
Jesus Christ, they’re alive
Row your oars kids, till you fall limp and die

Carmelita:
Named this sub after me since I’m so sweet and nice

Esme:
Outrun

Rowers:
Outrun

Esme:
Outlast

Rowers:
Outlast

Count Olaf:
To the brig, make it fast

Carmelita:
Chick-a-plao!

Violet:
We’ve got to help Sunny and fast
Else she eventually will breathe her last

Troupe:
Raise a glass!

Count Olaf:
Now let’s see what Hooky will do with you

Esme:
If we all hear screams, it means he has gotten through

Isn’t Carmelita precious?
Like the adopted kid I never had
Save for you Baudelaires, though I didn’t think you any rad

Count Olaf:
We cut supply lines, we steal contraband
We chase and raid submarines and places to take a stand
And ev’ry time
“Sir, let us rest our tired hands”
And ev’ry time
No
We dismiss them out of hand

Klaus (Violet):
Please hear our pleas (Stay alive…)
Let us go
For Sunny (Sunny, please)
For God’s sake, listen to our demands

Count Olaf:
You’re our prisoners. Whee!

Klaus:
Yeah. But you won’t get anything from us

Hook-Handed Man:
You’ll shit the bed after I put you through pus
Fiona, it’s you!

Fiona:
Fernald!

Hook-Handed Man:
It’s you!
You’ve grown!

Count Olaf:
What are you doing, Hooky? Get back on your feet!

Hook-Handed Man:
But Fiona’s my baby sister!

Fiona:
I’m sorry, why are you here, bro?!
Jesus Christ!

Hook-Handed Man:
So what?
Why join the Baudelaires?

Fiona:
Fernald!
Technically, the Baudelaires joined up with me
Do you know where the hell our stepdad could be?

Fernald:
I left that asshole behind
Without a pot to piss in
He gave out orders which he expected me to listen

Fiona:
Count Olaf orders you to comply to his devices
Dirty work from crisis to crisis
The best thing you can do for your baby sister
Is take me and the Baudelaires back to the Queequeg

Troupe:
Oo!

Hook-Handed Man:
You don’t know him. Count Olaf’s not that bad.

Fiona:
Like how?

Hook-Handed Man:
Well, he has some good parts, like his laugh

Fiona:
Liking his laugh doesn’t excuse you to say screw it

Hook-Handed Man:
Let’s not talk about Olaf
Now let’s do this
Baudelaire kids, where’s the damn Sugar Bowl?

Violet:
Sorry, we don’t really know and that’s all

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “In the Navy”

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Unfortunately, just as Violet and Klaus start up the submarine, Count Olaf’s octo-sub returns and swallows up the Queequeg. Laughing menacingly, Olaf then cuts out a porthole to let himself in. Once again, he hoped the Baudelaires were dead which disappointed him because they told him they knew about the Sugar Bowl’s whereabouts. Though it doesn’t make sense since he needs at least one of them alive to get their fortune. Since then, Count Olaf has met up with the two mysterious figures at the Hotel Denouement before coming back to off some of his enemies like the Baudelaires. Now in the main hall, Fiona’s not impressed to se Olaf who asked where her stepdad is and noted about throwing thumbtacks into her cradle. Let’s just say, he keeps taunting and trying to recruit her from there.

Olaf in his Octo-Sub

For a second time, I decided to go with the Village People. This time it’s “In the Navy” which I couldn’t resist when it comes to a novel focused on submarines. In this version, I have Count Olaf come inside the Queequeg and try to recruit Fiona for his troupe. Yes, I know he’s not really trying to urge her to join the Navy. But it’s kind of hilarious.

 

“In the Navy” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf

Count Olaf:
Where can you find pleasure
Search the world for treasure
Steal children’s securities
Where can you begin to make your dreams all come true
On the land or on the sea
Where you can commit crimes
Put on plays in disguise
Live aboard a submarine
Sign up for the big band
Or sit in the grandstand
When your team and others meet

Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Yes, you can sail the seven seas
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Yes, you can put your mind at ease
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on now, Tri-Eyes, make a stand
Troupe: In the navy, in the navy
Count Olaf: Can’t you see we need a hand
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on, now where is your stepdad?
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on and join your fellow man
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on people, and make a stand
Troupe: In the navy, in the navy, in the navy (in the navy)

Troupe:
We want you, we want you
We want you as a new recruit

Count Olaf:
If you like adventure
Don’t you wait to enter
Our sub Carmelita fast
Don’t you hesitate
There is no need to wait
We’re signing up new children fast
Don’t fret being too young
To join up today
But don’t you worry ’bout a thing
For I’m sure there will be
Always a good navy
Trying to destroy V.F.D.

Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Yes, you can sail the seven seas
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Yes, you can put your mind at ease
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on now, Tri-Eyes, make a stand
Troupe: In the navy, in the navy
Count Olaf: Can’t you see we need a hand
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on, now where is your stepdad?
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on and join your fellow man
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on people, and make a stand
Troupe: In the navy, in the navy, in the navy (in the navy)

Troupe:
We want you, we want you
We want you as a new recruit

Fiona:
Who me?

Troupe:
We want you, we want you
We want you as a new recruit

Fiona:
But, but, but, what about Sunny?
Hey, hey look
She could die if I don’t find the antidote for her!

Troupe:
We want you, we want you in the navy

Fiona:
Oh my goodness.
What am I gonna do about my friends?

Troupe:
We want you, we want you in the navy

Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Yes, you can sail the seven seas
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Yes, you can put your mind at ease
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on be bold and make a stand
Troupe: In the navy, in the navy
Count Olaf: Can’t you see we need a hand
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Now where is your stepdad?
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on and join your fellow man
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on be bold and make a stand

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Medusoid Mycelium in Cave and Return”

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While in the Gorgonian Grotto, Fiona and the Baudelaires find themselves in the middle of the Medusoid Mycelium breeding grounds. At first it’s a patch, but the longer they look, the more they see until they’re surrounded. Fiona is confident that they’ll be safe from the deadly mushroom spores as long as they don’t get too close. Though I’d recommend that they keep their diving helmets on, especially Sunny. Still, it seems best that the kids stay where they are since the mushrooms aren’t getting any closer. All the same, they still need to figure out how to get back. Violet wants to invent some way to get out, but she can’t think of what. But Fiona thinks it’s a better idea to wait it out. So they hang out as the Baudelaires gather some of the junk and foodstuffs they can find. Sunny makes a snack and cooks pesto lo mein. Klaus takes a book on how to decode messages in poetry. Violet finds a letter from Kit Snicket to Gregor Anwhistle on the poisonous mushrooms and a newspaper article that could cause a fight. Though it’s not a great situation, the children try to make the best  of their time in the cave. But when they get back, they find Captain Widdershins and Phil gone without a trace and a poison mushroom spore in Sunny’s helmet and she’s coughing from the poisoning. Violet and Klaus naturally panic, but Fiona assumes command. She orders them to start the engines while she finds the antidote. Violet is suspicious and thinks she’s “volatile” while Klaus gives in thinking it’s no use arguing. When the other girl’s alone, Violet confides to her brother and shows her the clipping she read. Then Count Olaf’s sub shows up.

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The song I went with here is “Notes/Twisted Every Way” from Phantom of the Opera. In the original, the company makes plans to do the Phantom’s fan-fiction opera his way despite that it’s crap and Carlotta hates being upstaged by Christine. Even though Christine knows Erik is trying to get to her through this opera and wants no part of it. But if they want to keep the Phantom at bay, nobody has a choice to back out since they don’t want another fallen chandelier (except there’s a chandelier drop anyway). In this version, I have Fiona and the Baudelaires waiting out the Medusoid Mycelium to Count Olaf’s submarine infiltrating them.

 

“Medusoid Mycelium in Cave and Return”

Fiona:
Medusoid Mycelium in cave!

Klaus:
Teeming everywhere!

Violet:
What do we do now?

Klaus:
Hell if I know, let’s ask Fiona.

Violet:
Fiona, please.

Fiona:
Let’s stay where we are.
Don’t you get to close to them

Violet:
Should I invent a way out of here?

Fiona:
Well, Violet,
Mushrooms wax and wane in no time
And soon they will disappear
No need to invent—
Just circumvent
Wait it out
I don’t know how much longer
Which could be several hours at a time

Klaus:
A Hobson’s choice
Mom instilled that in us
To get us doing what we didn’t like

Violet:
She made me clean my room
Or “Row, Row, Your Boat”

Klaus:
Do dishes
Else I’d have to read poetry
By Edgar Guest who I never ever liked

Sunny (translated babble):
Bath or pink dress

Violet:
When did Mom get mad?

Klaus:
Haven’t really thought about that
Since our folks died, Vi.
Now what’s the matter, Fi?

Fiona:
My stepdad and brother often fought

Klaus:
Didn’t know that
Your stepdad said
He was charming

Violet:
What about the elusive Sugar Bowl?

Fiona:
Just all this junk

Klaus:
A Rosetta Stone
A dull metal ring and a glass of holes

Violet:
We also got a whole bunch of food

Klaus:
Ah! Versed Furtive Disclosure!
Think this cave’s used for hiding things I’m sure

Fiona:
Help yourselves to what’s in this V.F.D. envelope

Violet:
Sunny’s got a newspaper clip in her hands

Sunny (Translated babble):
Look at this, please

Klaus:
Sunny, make us something for now

Fiona:
Cooking pesto lo mein…

Klaus:
It appears she had no choice

Fiona:
Has such an international basis for a toddler

Sunny:
Wasabi?

Violet, Klaus, and Fiona:
Oh, no thank you

Klaus:
Verse Fluctuation Declaration

Violet:
What the hell is that?

Klaus:
It’s a code where you swap certain words in a verse
Can’t figure it out

Sunny (translated babble):
A food code?

Klaus:
That’s a good idea
Fiona will be a custard eclair

Fiona:
I’d like truffles.

Violet:
Look at this letter
Kit Snicket wrote to Gregor
Wants him to move
The mushrooms out
But he did not

She was trying to dilute the bane
At some plant in Lousy lane
But Gregor preferred them where they were
And wished to use them on his foes

Klaus:
So the mushrooms poisoned the Aquatics Center

Fiona:
My brother keeps a deck of cards—
For boring moments such as ours
We used play this little game
Called Fernald’s Folly since it’s his name

Violet:
Funny, you should say that
Fiona, because I just had–
Well, words are all too blurred
There’s nothing of use here, just an ad for ED gel

Fiona:
The mushrooms begin to wane
So we must get ready to get through this hell
To Queequeg
I’ll help Sunny in

Sunny (translated babble):
Thank you, Fi.

Klaus:
You seem quite concerned—
And yet, you’re not even telling any of us
That article seems to have something interesting

Violet:
It’s nothing

Klaus:
Okay

Fiona:
So we all must leave
And we all tell my stepdad we didn’t see it in
And yes, he’ll be disappointed but least we live

Klaus:
And have a taste of Sunny’s new dessert

Fiona:
Well, a non-gum delight won’t hurt

Violet:
How do I tell them about Fernald?

Fiona:
Now our helmets on, let’s leave the cave

[Later on the Queequeg]:

Fiona:
Captain!
Where are you now?
Do you hear me?
Where’s the captain?

Klaus:
We checked the place

Violet:
What are these balloons—
Is it supposed to be a V.F.D. code!

Klaus:
Phil’s not here either

Fiona:
Where are they?
Helmets aren’t here
They left the submarine

Klaus:
Can’t be!

Fiona:
Not sure why
Oh, God Jesus!
They said they’d stay at the sonar screen
How could they leave
I can’t see why
But somehow, they come to—
Leave me
Don’t know why

Klaus:
It’s not your fault
Just remain calm

Fiona:
Don’t take Sunny’s helmet
There’s a spore inside it!
If take it off, infect us all!

Violet:
Jesus, not Sunny!

Fiona:
Start engines, please just go—
While I’ll find an antidote

Violet:
Mot sure I trust you with that

Klaus:
You need a break!

Violet:
She’s coughing, you’re going mad

Fiona:
Fascinating!

Violet:
She is crazy!

Fiona:
Climb that rope ladder, I will be fine

Violet:
She is raving!

Fiona:
Fire up those engines now, aye!
We’ll save our Sunny!

Klaus:
Cool it, I beg you

Fiona:
Now’s not time, we can’t hesitate

Klaus:
Just trust me

Violet:
It’s clear to all
The girl’s insane!

Klaus:
Please don’t!

Violet:
Don’t defend her…

Fiona:
Let’s leave the cave

Violet:
You’re
Clearly cracked!

Klaus:
Do what she says, we must act

Violet:
But Sunny’s sick, you trust her?

Klaus:
Vi, I’m frightened—
And I’m freaking out
Vi, it scares me–
Don’t put me through this ordeal by fire
No use fighting right now
She could die in an hour
Just please let this go

Fiona:
In my stepdad’s absence, I’m your captain
Follow my orders, for they will stand
Go start the engines, we need to leave now
As my stepdad said, a hesitator will always be lost

Violet:
She’s mad …

Klaus:
Give her a break—she has just lost her stepdad
Give her some slack, since we’ve all been through that

Violet:
Klaus, you were right to suspect that I lied
Since this clip has something awful inside
Tells of a fire at the Anwhistle Aquatics Center
Where poor old Gregor burned into a cinder
Her brother started it, he set the place aflame
I know can’t tell her and show this to her face
Oh God, can’t you see, Fiona’s a volatile screed
We need to save ourselves

Klaus:
Violet, Violet, don’t think that I don’t know
But every hope, and every prayer rests on her now

Violet:
So, it is to be war between us! But this time, clever brother, the disaster will be hers!

Klaus:
Jesus, Violet, tell her now
About her older brother
For she will soon find out
Whether in one way or another

Violet:
It’s Olaf’s submarine, it’s closing in
It’s right outside from us, we can’t resist

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Gorgonian Oddity”

In Gorgonian Grotto

It doesn’t take long for the Queequeg to reach the Gorgonian Grotto that by the time the kids go to sleep, the submarine is already inside it but can’t get in any further. So like any adult in the series, Captain Widdershins determines that a child will have to go in to retrieve it. So naturally, Fiona and the Baudelaires get on their wetsuits (though Sunny is stuffed in a spare diving helmet) and go into water. The suits aren’t well equipped since they lack any waterproof flashlights and oxygen tanks. Anyway, Widdershins promise that all will receive citations for bravery for recovering the Sugar Bowl and sends them on their way. Though Widdershins sending the kids in uncharted waters limited oxygen supply and no flashlights to a dark cave filled with deadly mushrooms may seem as irresponsible, keep in mind that at least he’s not a wizard professor at Hogwarts. However, the children eventually come across the beach which seems weird to them. But they also spot a few floor lamps and a lot of random stuff lying around, including foodstuffs like wasabi and paper items like a poetry book, news clipping, and a letter. However, there’s no sugar bowl and the Medusoid Mycelium is about to wax.

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The song I selected is David Bowie’s “Space Oddity” which is about an astronaut going into space. So I thought it would a perfect song to rip off for an underwater scene. In this version, I have Fiona and the Baudelaires explore the grotto. And though they didn’t have communication with Widdershins in the books, I couldn’t avoid it here.

 

“Gorgonian Oddity”

Captain Widdershins:
Widdershins to Baudelaires
Widdershins to Baudelaires
Don your diving suits
And put your helmets on

Widdershins to Baudelaires
Commencing countdown
Wetsuits on
Love you, Fiona
And may God’s love be with you

Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One, Engage

This is Widdershins
To Baudelaires
You’ve really made the grade
Now’s the time to venture to the Gorgonian Grotto
In hopes that you kids’ll find
The Sugar Bowl

Violet:
This is Violet B to Widdershins
We’re swimming through the cave
And we’re floating
In a most peculiar way
And we can’t see a damned thing anyway

Klaus:
For we
Are swimming underwater
Far from the submarine
Everything is dark
And there’s nothing we can do

Violet:
Though we’ve reached
Gorgonian Grotto’s beach
It all seems very weird
Are we in a submarine, I don’t really know
Tell Quigley I love him very much
He knows

Fiona:
Fiona to Widdershins
Your circuit’s dead,
there’s something wrong
Can you hear us, Widdershins?
Can you hear us, Widdershins?
Can you hear us, Widdershins?
Can you….

Klaus:
Here we are searching
Round this large cage
For the Sugar Bowl
Lots of food and junk
But we haven’t had much luck

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Tonight”

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Unfortunately, before things can get more interesting during the dinnertime conversation, Captain Widdershins announces that it’s time for bedtime. So off to the bunk beds they go. Nonetheless, their first day on the Queequeg is the first nice time the Baudelaires have had in a long time. Sure they may be living in a submarine that’s in extreme disrepair. But at least they’re not being treated like fugitives, don’t have to pretend being someone else, and actually get to sleep in beds. Though Violet is the one enjoying her time the least since she still misses her Quigley. In Klaus’s case, he’s head over heels with Fiona and she with him. In fact, everyone can see the sparks between them. However, their relationship is about to hit troubled waters in both the literal and metaphorical sense. They’ll endure more obstacles and drama that Violet and Quigley didn’t have to experience.

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Of course, I understand that if there’s a romance in a work, then a duet is necessary. And I couldn’t think of anything better than West Side Story’s “Tonight” where Tony and Maria profess their love and say good night to each other before parting ways before all the shit starts hitting the fan the next day. What do you expect? It’s basically Romeo and Juliet based in 1950s New York City between a gangs of white boys and Puerto Ricans. In this one, I have Klaus and Fiona sing this duet as they go to bed before the next day’s external circumstances, family dramas, and the decisions they make eventually drive them apart.

 

“Tonight” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Klaus Baudelaire and Fiona

Fiona:
Only you, you’re the only thing I’ll see forever.
In my eyes, in my words and in ev’rything I do,
Nothing else but you.
Ever!

Klaus:
And there’s nothing for me but Fiona,
Ev’ry sight that I see is Fiona.

Fiona:
Klaus, Klaus…

Klaus:
Always you, ev’ry thought I’ll ever know.
Ev’rywhere I go, you’ll be

Fiona:
All the world is only you and me!

Tonight, tonight,
It all began tonight,
I saw you and the world went away.

Tonight, tonight,
There’s only you tonight,
What you are, what you do, what you say.

Klaus:
Today, I never had the feeling
A miracle would happen.
I know now I was wrong.

For here you are,
And what was just a world is a star
Tonight!

Both:
Tonight. tonight,
The world is full of light,
With suns and moons all over the place.

Tonight, tonight,
The world is wild and bright.
Going mad, shooting sparks into space.

Today the world was just an address.
A place for me to live in,
No better than all right,

But here you are
And what was just a world is a star
Tonight!

Fiona:
My stepdad says it’s lights out

Klaus:
I love you.

Fiona:
Yes, yes, now go to sleep. We have a lot of work tomorrow.

Both:
Good night, good night,
Sleep well and when you dream,
Dream of me…
Tonight!

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Gorgonian Grotto”

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Once Klaus suggests the idea that the Sugar Bowl is probably hidden in a cave marked G.G., Fiona is the first to know exactly what he’s talking about. Immediately, she goes into her Mushroom Minutiae. Named after the snake haired ladies who’ll turn you to stone if you just look at them, it’s used as a quarantine Medusoid Mycelium, a rare form of poisonous mushroom that waxes and wanes periodically. But when it waxes, breathe or ingest a single spore, you will die within an hour (unless you receive an antidote in that period, which is fortunately not difficult to find if you like hamburgers or hotdogs). However, what makes the Medusoid Mycelium poisonous isn’t that it’s toxic in the conventional sense. But because it can grow on more surfaces than dandelions, even on those where it would be impossible for other plants and fungi to grow. And it thrives in dark, enclosed spaces like the human body. Once a Medusoid Mycelium spore is in your body, it grows thickly and rapidly inside that it will constrict your throat and chock you to death.

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Ironically, I used “Colors of the Wind” for this which has Pocahontas showing John Smith how to respect nature and see Indians like herself as human beings. It’s a beautiful song. But in this version, I have Fiona describing some really sick stuff here pertaining to the Gorgonian Grotto and the Medusoid Mycelium. Then again, anyone who knows a thing about American history knows that what happened to Pocahontas and her people isn’t very pretty at all.

 

“Gorgonian Grotto”

Sung by Fiona

You think it’s in the Gorgonian Grotto
And you’ve done so much research
I guess it must be so
But please you must take heed
There are poisonous fungi
How can there be so much that you don’t know?
You don’t know…

The Medusoid Mycelium grows inside this grotto
Where it serves as this mushroom’s quarantine
Since this place has a such remote location
But it’s not the kind of place I’d rather be

You might not notice the mycelium around you
Since its branches are almost like unseen thread
Yet, when these mushrooms sprout to blossom
Eat or breathe one spore within the hour and you’re dead

While this dead shroom’s not a toxin that you can’t digest
But there’s barely any surface it doesn’t grow
As it thrives the best in tight and enclosed spaces
It will kill you when one spore’s planted in your throat
Where it will constrict your windpipe until you choke

Are you’re sure that the Sugar Bowl’s inside there
Because the mycelium makes that cave unsafe
Cause returning with spores on us spells disaster
While the mushrooms will soon kill us anyway

Do we really have to go inside the grotto?
Is the Sugar Bowl really worth that much hell?
We’ve had enough strife with the V.F.D. schism
Cause I don’t know if this will all go very well

How fast does the mycelium grow?
Let it grow inside, then you’ll surely choke
While this dead shroom’s not a toxin that you can’t digest

Yet, it’s possible there might be an antidote
As it thrives the best in tight and enclosed spaces
It will kill you when one spore’s planted in your throat

Though we all must get some sleep
I’m not quite sure that we
Should go inside the Gorgonian Grotto

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “A Whale of a Tale”

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Yet, double weddings and caves aren’t the only things Captain Widdershins discusses at dinner. He talks about how the V.F.D. submarines explored most of the seas and always had an author mascot on their uniforms. He recalls his time as part of the “Volunteer Fire Domestication” at Anwhistle Aquatics, which trained salmon to swim upstream and look out for forest fires. And I thought salmon swam upstream to reproduce and die. He discusses the Snickets siblings who had something as the Snicketsnee which stole the fleet along with Café Salmonella. But they also did more than that. Kit helped build the Queequeg. Jacques investigated the Royal Gardens Fire and sometimes worked aboard the Queequeg when he had nothing else going on. Then there’s a third sibling whose name he can’t remember but had marmosets. Of course, we know he’s Lemony though the Baudelaires don’t.

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Once again, I go to Disney for the song parody with “A Whale of a Tale” from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, which had Kirk Douglas sing to his fellow sailors about the women he’s been with and end up double crossing him. In this version, I have Captain Widdershins discuss some V.F.D. stuff over dinner. Though I don’t expect him doing a dance like Kirk Douglas.

 

“A Whale of a Tale” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Captain Widdershins

Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, kids
A whale of a tale or two
‘Bout the submarines and that V.F.D.
On nights like this under the open seas
A whale of a tale and it’s all true,
I swear by my tattoo

I was at fire domestication
At Anwhistle Aquatics Center
We trained salmon
To look out for forest fires
As well as swim upstream
Then one day Café Salmonella
Stole the Snicketsnee’s fleet

Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, kids
A whale of a tale or two
‘Bout the submarines and that V.F.D.
On nights like this under the open seas
A whale of a tale and it’s all true,
I swear by my tattoo

There were the three Snickets
Queequeg was partly built by Kit
Jacques would help me
While he had no other projects
And his brother
He worked with marmosets
Though he and your dad were tight
He is your mother’s ex

Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, kids
A whale of a tale or two
‘Bout the submarines and that V.F.D.
On nights like this under the open seas
A whale of a tale and it’s all true,
I swear by my tattoo

All these V.F.D.’s submarines
Have explored most of the waters
Fiona’s mother, quite a stunner
When I had caught her
The best crewman
That I have ever seen
(He has ever seen)
But she had an accident with
Some freak manatee!

Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, kids
A whale of a tale or two
‘Bout the submarines and that V.F.D.
On nights like this under the open seas
A whale of a tale and it’s all true,
I swear by my tattoo

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Fixer-Upper”

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Klaus and Fiona’s relationship has undoubtedly attracted Captain Widdershins’s attention. While he was accusing the two of flirting while looking at charts, he’s promising Klaus to marry his stepdaughter and as well as set up Violet with Fiona’s long-lost brother should he ever return. Of course, in hindsight, I don’t think the latter would have chance in hell. For one, Fiona’s brother is twice Violet’s age. Second, the Baudelaires know the guy quite well and don’t like him much since he’s kind of “hooked up” in a bad way. Third, even if Fiona’s brother was a nice guy, Violet already has her heart set on Quigley which is very apparent when the Queequeg’s crew talks about maps. Then again, Captain Widdershins might only be speaking in jest and try to embarrass his stepdaughter. Meanwhile, Klaus and Fiona have more important things they want to discuss like the Sugar Bowl’s location. Then Klaus gets an idea that G.G. might be a cave when Captain Widdershins talks about Plato’s allegory.

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The song I chose is “Fixer-Upper” from Frozen, in which Kristoff’s troll family wants to fix him up with Princess Anna despite that she’s sort of engaged to another man (not that it matters since she doesn’t know him well). It’s also a parody of many of Disney’s ongoing tropes as well. In this version, Captain Widdershins kind of nudges Klaus and Fiona to pursue their relationship though they have other things on their mind at the moment. While Violet tries interrupting the conversation on how to fix the Queequeg.

 

 

“Fixer-Upper” (ASOUE Version)

Captain Widdershins:
What’s the issue, Klaus? Why are you holding back from such a girl?

Is it the clumpy way she walks or the grumpy way she talks?
Or the pear-shaped, square-shaped weirdness of her feet?
And though we know she washes well-she always ends up sort of smelly
But you’ll never meet a woman who’s as sensitive and sweet!

So she’s a bit of a fixer-upper, so she’s got a few flaws
Like her peculiar brain-dear, her mushroom craze here
That’s a little outside of nature’s laws!

So she’s a bit of a fixer-upper, but this we’re certain of
You can fix this fixer-upper up with a little bit of love!

Fiona:
Can we please just stop talking about this?
We’ve got a real, actual problem here

Captain Widdershins:
I’ll say! So tell me, Klaus

Is it the way that she runs scared, or that she’s socially impaired
Or that she hasn’t seen her big brother in years—what?!
Or that when she was only three her mom got killed by a manatee
Or the way her shroom obsession is kind of weird

She’s just a bit of a fixer-upper, she’s got a couple of bugs
Her isolation is confirmation of her desperation for human hugs
So she’s a bit of a fixer-upper, but we know what to do
The way to fix up this fixer-upper is to fix her up with you!

Klaus:
Enough! I know where the Sugar Bowl is, okay?!

Violet:
So we live in submarine fixer-upper, that’s a major thing
The steering’s screwy, the pipes are leaky
While I’m still stuck at this tele-thing
The Queequeg’s a fixer-upper but if you put me to it
I’ll get repairs out of your way and the whole thing will be fixed

Captain Widdershins:
That screen’s nothing. A philosopher named Plato would once say
That life is just shadows that we watch sitting across the wall of caves
Shadows of things much bigger and grander than themselves
Like more terrifying shapes (like more terrifying shapes)

Klaus:
So that must be the place!
G.G. must be some cave!

Captain Widdershins:
So Fiona’s a bit of a fixer-upper, but she’ll do for you I’m sure
We can set Vi with her long-lost brother, but then again, he’s too old for her
Everyone’s a bit of a fixer-upper, but when push comes to shove

Phil:
The only fixer-upper fixer that can fix up a fixer-upper is

Crew:
True, true, true, true, true, true, love
True love, love, love, love, love, true love

True

Klaus:
For God’s sake, I think I know where the Sugar Bowl is.

Captain Widdershins:
Wait, what!?

Klaus:
The Sugar Bowl!

Crew:
Love!