A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Fixer-Upper”


Klaus and Fiona’s relationship has undoubtedly attracted Captain Widdershins’s attention. While he was accusing the two of flirting while looking at charts, he’s promising Klaus to marry his stepdaughter and as well as set up Violet with Fiona’s long-lost brother should he ever return. Of course, in hindsight, I don’t think the latter would have chance in hell. For one, Fiona’s brother is twice Violet’s age. Second, the Baudelaires know the guy quite well and don’t like him much since he’s kind of “hooked up” in a bad way. Third, even if Fiona’s brother was a nice guy, Violet already has her heart set on Quigley which is very apparent when the Queequeg’s crew talks about maps. Then again, Captain Widdershins might only be speaking in jest and try to embarrass his stepdaughter. Meanwhile, Klaus and Fiona have more important things they want to discuss like the Sugar Bowl’s location. Then Klaus gets an idea that G.G. might be a cave when Captain Widdershins talks about Plato’s allegory.


The song I chose is “Fixer-Upper” from Frozen, in which Kristoff’s troll family wants to fix him up with Princess Anna despite that she’s sort of engaged to another man (not that it matters since she doesn’t know him well). It’s also a parody of many of Disney’s ongoing tropes as well. In this version, Captain Widdershins kind of nudges Klaus and Fiona to pursue their relationship though they have other things on their mind at the moment. While Violet tries interrupting the conversation on how to fix the Queequeg.



“Fixer-Upper” (ASOUE Version)

Captain Widdershins:
What’s the issue, Klaus? Why are you holding back from such a girl?

Is it the clumpy way she walks or the grumpy way she talks?
Or the pear-shaped, square-shaped weirdness of her feet?
And though we know she washes well-she always ends up sort of smelly
But you’ll never meet a woman who’s as sensitive and sweet!

So she’s a bit of a fixer-upper, so she’s got a few flaws
Like her peculiar brain-dear, her mushroom craze here
That’s a little outside of nature’s laws!

So she’s a bit of a fixer-upper, but this we’re certain of
You can fix this fixer-upper up with a little bit of love!

Can we please just stop talking about this?
We’ve got a real, actual problem here

Captain Widdershins:
I’ll say! So tell me, Klaus

Is it the way that she runs scared, or that she’s socially impaired
Or that she hasn’t seen her big brother in years—what?!
Or that when she was only three her mom got killed by a manatee
Or the way her shroom obsession is kind of weird

She’s just a bit of a fixer-upper, she’s got a couple of bugs
Her isolation is confirmation of her desperation for human hugs
So she’s a bit of a fixer-upper, but we know what to do
The way to fix up this fixer-upper is to fix her up with you!

Enough! I know where the Sugar Bowl is, okay?!

So we live in submarine fixer-upper, that’s a major thing
The steering’s screwy, the pipes are leaky
While I’m still stuck at this tele-thing
The Queequeg’s a fixer-upper but if you put me to it
I’ll get repairs out of your way and the whole thing will be fixed

Captain Widdershins:
That screen’s nothing. A philosopher named Plato would once say
That life is just shadows that we watch sitting across the wall of caves
Shadows of things much bigger and grander than themselves
Like more terrifying shapes (like more terrifying shapes)

So that must be the place!
G.G. must be some cave!

Captain Widdershins:
So Fiona’s a bit of a fixer-upper, but she’ll do for you I’m sure
We can set Vi with her long-lost brother, but then again, he’s too old for her
Everyone’s a bit of a fixer-upper, but when push comes to shove

The only fixer-upper fixer that can fix up a fixer-upper is

True, true, true, true, true, true, love
True love, love, love, love, love, true love


For God’s sake, I think I know where the Sugar Bowl is.

Captain Widdershins:
Wait, what!?

The Sugar Bowl!


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