Though the Baudelaires try to buy time for Sunny by telling him they can find the Sugar Bowl, Count Olaf’s not falling for that again. Besides, he doesn’t care at all about Sunny’s condition. So his plan is to throw them in the brig and have the Hook-Handed Man get them to talk. Yet, when he brings the kids onto his submarine, he gives them a tour because he thinks the octo-sub is that awesome. As Lemony Snicket writes: “This submarine is one of the greatest things I’ve ever stolen,” he bragged. “It has everything I’ll need to defeat V.F.D. once and for all. It has a sonar system, so I can rid the seas of V.F.D. submarines. It has an enormous flyswatter, so I can rid the skies of V.F.D. planes. It has a lifetime supply of matches, so I can rid the world of V.F.D. headquarters. It has several cases of wine that I plan to drink up myself, and a closet full of very stylish outfits for my girlfriend. And best of all, it has plenty of opportunities for children to do hard labour! Ha ha hedonism!” He shows them the room where he has Snow Scouts, Prufrock Prep kids, and other children reenact Ben Hur as an octopus dress-clad Esme Squalor whips them while Carmelita sings and dances around like “tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian.” Nonetheless, Count Olaf doesn’t care much for the brat while Esme adores her. Now if he could just ditch the two of them. He still keeps ignoring the elder Baudelaires’ pleas to save Sunny as well. But once they reach the brig, they are in for the ultimate shock: Fiona’s brother, Fernald is none other than the Hook-Handed Man. Though it’s a momentarily happy reunion, Fiona and the Hook-Handed Man later argue about why the other is allied with each other’s enemies.

The song I selected is “Stay Alive” from Hamilton which revolves around the Battle of Monmouth and lead up to the duel between Hamilton’s bestie John Laurens and General Charles Lee who’s a chickenshit. And let’s just say the New Jersey summer battle ends in a stalemate and in George Washington losing his temper. In this version I have Count Olaf show the kids around his octo-sub and Fiona’s reunion with her brother Fernald.

 

“Stay Alive”

Violet:
Stay alive…

Klaus:
Stay alive…

Count Olaf:
This submarine’s the greatest thing I’ve ever stolen
It’s got all I need to destroy V.F.D. into oblivion
Has sonar system, matches, wine and large flyswatter
Got very stylish outfits for my girlfriend and her daughter
But best of all, it’s got plenty of hard labor
For children rowing boat oars, and on shifts of 24 hours

Violet:
Just let us help our Sunny

Count Olaf:
No sell!

Violet:
Olaf, listen. I can still tell you about the sugar bowl

Count Olaf:
Let’s go to the brig tonight

Violet:
Not right

Esme:
Jesus Christ, they’re alive
Row your oars kids, till you fall limp and die

Carmelita:
Named this sub after me since I’m so sweet and nice

Esme:
Outrun

Rowers:
Outrun

Esme:
Outlast

Rowers:
Outlast

Count Olaf:
To the brig, make it fast

Carmelita:
Chick-a-plao!

Violet:
We’ve got to help Sunny and fast
Else she eventually will breathe her last

Troupe:
Raise a glass!

Count Olaf:
Now let’s see what Hooky will do with you

Esme:
If we all hear screams, it means he has gotten through

Isn’t Carmelita precious?
Like the adopted kid I never had
Save for you Baudelaires, though I didn’t think you any rad

Count Olaf:
We cut supply lines, we steal contraband
We chase and raid submarines and places to take a stand
And ev’ry time
“Sir, let us rest our tired hands”
And ev’ry time
No
We dismiss them out of hand

Klaus (Violet):
Please hear our pleas (Stay alive…)
Let us go
For Sunny (Sunny, please)
For God’s sake, listen to our demands

Count Olaf:
You’re our prisoners. Whee!

Klaus:
Yeah. But you won’t get anything from us

Hook-Handed Man:
You’ll shit the bed after I put you through pus
Fiona, it’s you!

Fiona:
Fernald!

Hook-Handed Man:
It’s you!
You’ve grown!

Count Olaf:
What are you doing, Hooky? Get back on your feet!

Hook-Handed Man:
But Fiona’s my baby sister!

Fiona:
I’m sorry, why are you here, bro?!
Jesus Christ!

Hook-Handed Man:
So what?
Why join the Baudelaires?

Fiona:
Fernald!
Technically, the Baudelaires joined up with me
Do you know where the hell our stepdad could be?

Fernald:
I left that asshole behind
Without a pot to piss in
He gave out orders which he expected me to listen

Fiona:
Count Olaf orders you to comply to his devices
Dirty work from crisis to crisis
The best thing you can do for your baby sister
Is take me and the Baudelaires back to the Queequeg

Troupe:
Oo!

Hook-Handed Man:
You don’t know him. Count Olaf’s not that bad.

Fiona:
Like how?

Hook-Handed Man:
Well, he has some good parts, like his laugh

Fiona:
Liking his laugh doesn’t excuse you to say screw it

Hook-Handed Man:
Let’s not talk about Olaf
Now let’s do this
Baudelaire kids, where’s the damn Sugar Bowl?

Violet:
Sorry, we don’t really know and that’s all