Yet, double weddings and caves aren’t the only things Captain Widdershins discusses at dinner. He talks about how the V.F.D. submarines explored most of the seas and always had an author mascot on their uniforms. He recalls his time as part of the “Volunteer Fire Domestication” at Anwhistle Aquatics, which trained salmon to swim upstream and look out for forest fires. And I thought salmon swam upstream to reproduce and die. He discusses the Snickets siblings who had something as the Snicketsnee which stole the fleet along with Café Salmonella. But they also did more than that. Kit helped build the Queequeg. Jacques investigated the Royal Gardens Fire and sometimes worked aboard the Queequeg when he had nothing else going on. Then there’s a third sibling whose name he can’t remember but had marmosets. Of course, we know he’s Lemony though the Baudelaires don’t.

Once again, I go to Disney for the song parody with “A Whale of a Tale” from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, which had Kirk Douglas sing to his fellow sailors about the women he’s been with and end up double crossing him. In this version, I have Captain Widdershins discuss some V.F.D. stuff over dinner. Though I don’t expect him doing a dance like Kirk Douglas.

“A Whale of a Tale” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Captain Widdershins

Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, kids
A whale of a tale or two
‘Bout the submarines and that V.F.D.
On nights like this under the open seas
A whale of a tale and it’s all true,
I swear by my tattoo

I was at fire domestication
At Anwhistle Aquatics Center
We trained salmon
To look out for forest fires
As well as swim upstream
Then one day Café Salmonella
Stole the Snicketsnee’s fleet

Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, kids
A whale of a tale or two
‘Bout the submarines and that V.F.D.
On nights like this under the open seas
A whale of a tale and it’s all true,
I swear by my tattoo

There were the three Snickets
Queequeg was partly built by Kit
Jacques would help me
While he had no other projects
And his brother
He worked with marmosets
Though he and your dad were tight
He is your mother’s ex

Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, kids
A whale of a tale or two
‘Bout the submarines and that V.F.D.
On nights like this under the open seas
A whale of a tale and it’s all true,
I swear by my tattoo

All these V.F.D.’s submarines
Have explored most of the waters
Fiona’s mother, quite a stunner
When I had caught her
The best crewman
That I have ever seen
(He has ever seen)
But she had an accident with
Some freak manatee!

Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, kids
A whale of a tale or two
‘Bout the submarines and that V.F.D.
On nights like this under the open seas
A whale of a tale and it’s all true,
I swear by my tattoo