NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition) (Sixth Edition)

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During the holiday season, it’s become a tradition to introduce kids to the modern surveillance state with the ever nebby Elf on the Shelf. Each year, the Elf down from the North Pole to their designated family home where they watch and report to Santa on the children’s behavior during the days leading up to Christmas. After all, how can Santa know whether a child has been good or bad? However, elves being mere individuals aren’t always up to the most impeccable standards. Sure there are plenty of elves who may be on their best behavior. Yet, many do not and some of their deeds aren’t suited for the eyes of innocent children. So parental responsibility calls that parents report bad elf behavior at 1-800-BAD-ELF1. In the meantime, feel free to look at another assortment of shelf elves behaving badly. Enjoy. By the way, these aren’t safe for work.

  1. Tinker is about to make an incision.
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Apparently, he’s about to give Barbie a boob job. Still, I don’t think this is even legal. Or safe.

2. I don’t like the look of this scene.

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This seems straight out of Silence of the Lambs. Yes, that’s a skeleton hanging with outstretched arms.

3. I’m sure Izzy and Winky aren’t up to any trouble.

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They’re basically doodling on a boy when he’s sleeping. Hope this isn’t a school night.

4. Quinky’s had far too many.

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Here he’s fallen drunk in front of Shrek and Gingy. Still, Quinky better get off the vodka. Maybe join a 12 step.

5. Yinzer’s putting on a donkey show.

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Actually it might have nothing to do with donkeys. And no, I don’t want to see it.

6. At the elf planetarium, you can see Uranus.

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Okay, that’s a rather dirty joke. And no, I don’t want to see an elf’s butt.

7. “Time to die, Ken.”

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Yes, this is another takeoff from Dexter. And yes, it’s somehow a rather popular motif in these R-rated elf photos.

8. It’s never too late to go to the beach.

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Oh, no, Cringle’s with Barbie on the carpet with Don Julio. This won’t end well.

9. Elliot prefers guests go through the back door.

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But he’s also showing his but as if he’s mooning. Look, I really don’t want to know whether he enjoys butt stuff.

10. Jumbo’s made a confession.

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He’s confessing to be a dirty elf. Yet, I don’t know if “Jumbo” is his name or a moniker he chose for himself. If the latter, I know what it implies.

11. To Ningle, chimneys are always easier.

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Here he’s fastened onto a door with band-aids. Don’t really want to know what happened here.

12. “Sir, I’d like to see your license and registration.

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Not sure what Gleeker did. But whatever it was, it seems pretty bad. Oh, it’s cocaine possession.

13. What the hell is Quigley doing to Barbie?

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Yes, he’s pushing her down the drain. Not sure if he’s either dumping her dead body or torturing her. Nor do I want to know.

14. “Now kiss, girls.”

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Yes, there are guys who are into lesbian porn. And I’m sure Winker is one of them. But he prefers to see it live.

15. Dinky likes to watch bad reality shows.

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Don’t tell me they have a North Pole version of The Real Housewives. That stuff rots your brain.

16. Oh, crap, Bilker’s into the Colombian snow again.

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By that I mean, cocaine. And he’s using hte parents’ Master Card.

17. “Goodbye, and f*ck you.”

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Wesley always had an attitude. But I didn’t think he had it in him to cook someone in the microwave.

18. Vinny’s got a new look.

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A man bun may look good on a samurai. But it looks downright tacky on most other men.

19. “Just need a couple for my collection.”

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He’s collecting heads. Yes, doll heads. Barbie and Ken, you will be missed.

20. Elfiwise wants to play.

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Okay, he’s after children. And I’m sure this is an elf Stephen King would want to watch his grandkids.

21. What the hell is Yinker texting?

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Uh, this seems really dirty. And no, I don’t want to see his jingles.

22. “Say your prayers, Elmo.”

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Don’t tell me Hinkle’s going to throw darts at Elmo. What did Elmo do to him?

23. “Get your dick in a box.”

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He’s even wearing chains and glasses like you see in the SNL sketch. Still, thanks but no thanks.

24. Frinkle’s nabbed baby Jesus.

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Stealing from the nativity scene. That will surely get you sent to Hell.

25. So that’s why we can’t touch him.

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Wonder what Vinker did to receive that court order. Is he a sex offender? What’s the North Pole’s background check policy?

26. “Time to cook, Jesse.”

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Seems like the North Pole’s not paying the elves enough. So Benny had to take a side gig, which is selling blue meth a la Breaking Bad.

27. Okay, Randall, this is going too far.

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What did he do to Barbie? Did he rape her? Does he know rape is a felony? For God’s sake this is just a whole level of disturbing.

28. “Are you ready for your colonoscopy?”

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That’s when they put a tube up your ass to see if you have cancer. You’re also knocked out during the whole thing.

29. Quilly’s all tied up at the moment.

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Apparently, he seems to be into it for some reason. Don’t want to know what happens next.

30. E-Con kills elves dead.

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Dinky didn’t know he had it coming. Those mints are brutal.

31. Looks like Silvy’s blown his brains out.

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Said he has information on Hillary Clinton to ensure her arrest. For God’s sake is this a take off on some Clinton conspiracy theory?

32. “Any last words, Santa?”

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Vinty’s about to set Santa on fire. And he’s not afraid to use a lighter on the candle.

33. This train’s never stopping.

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And he’s gotten a Kelly doll died to the tracks. Only a matter of time until she gets run over.

34. Here Quentin hangs out with trolls.

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And they’re snorting cocaine. Not setting a good example isn’t he? Of course not.

35. Hinky’s making cookies.

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Those aren’t Hershey’s Kisses are they? So he’s basically shitting them out.

36. Linky’s got a message for the Cardinis.

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It says, “Suck mah balls” in toothpaste. Guy’s got a potty mouth.

37. Okay, who toilet papered the tree?

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Seems like Larry has some explaining to do. Still, there’s always another roll around somewhere.

38. Well, he did promise to get rid of Justin Bieber.

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But that didn’t include murdering him and putting his head in a fridge. What kind of sicko elf does that?

39. How sweet. Jax invited Rudolph for dinner.

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Actually he’s planning to kill Rudolph and serve him for dinner. Watch out for that knife, Rudolph!

40. Ninky’s a bit under the table at the moment.

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Mostly because he’s puking in the toilet. For God’s sake, that whiskey looks like strong stuff.

41. Nicky has something to say.

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No wonder they were able to find Bin Laden. Guess he’s an elf at a house of a Seal Team 6 member.

42. The Lego figures aren’t pleased with Dinkle.

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So they tie him up and put him on a car. Not sure what they’re going to do with him.

43. Dinny just wants to unwind.

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So he’s got himself a bottle of booze and some pills. Guess he’s watching over Donald Trump’s grandchildren.

44. “This won’t hurt a bit.”

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Sparkles has a guy tied to a bed and is wielding a mallet. Sure this won’t end well at all.

45. “Spank me, Barbie. Spank me.”

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Winko’s got some kind of kinks. As dominatrix Barbie is here to oblige.

46. Glinker’s always a generous customer.

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Yet, he’s paying plush dolls to pole dance. For God’s sake, please don’t subject Jessie to this.

47. Jingle’s got an interest in politics.

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He says he wants to build a big wall in the North Pole. And make the polar bears pay for it.

48. Slinky burned down Cheryl’s she-shed.

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You can see his eyes lack any shame. But our arsonist was never caught.

49. Just let Snowball lie.

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Yes, he’s passed out drinking. And yes, his late night party sprees have become a bit of a problem. That’s putting it mildly.

50. “Hanky, why did you have to cut the cheese?”

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By the way, don’t light your farts. Or you’ll end up with a burned face like Andy.

51. Klinkle knows how to get rid of the Wicked Witch of the West.

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Just throw water and she melts. Then show her broomstick to the wizard.

52. Sleigh Bell’s really gets around.

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Guess this is a takeoff on Maury’s “Who’s My Baby’s Daddy?” segment. So is it Santa or Frosty? If Santa, Mrs. Claus won’t be happy at all.

53. At least Jingler’s honest.

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So how did he become an elf on the shelf if he’s a pill popping sex addict and a drunk. An elf like that shouldn’t be near children.

54. Pringle has stumbled on the wrong track at the wrong time.

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As a result, a train ran over him while he was passed out. Such as sad and violent way to die.

55. Don’t want to see Buzz Lightyear walk in.

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Apparently, Jessie likes to ride a few horses. But I’m sure Buzz won’t be happy about this situation, especially in Spanish mode.

56. Petey’s got quite the talent.

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Too bad he defaced a baby picture. Seriously, doesn’t he have anything better to do?

57. “It puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again.”

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This is a take off from Silence of the Lambs. Here he lowers something for his hostage that he keeps in a hole in the ground.

58. Noel’s a big fan of Magic Mike.

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Seems like she’s having a wet dream of Channing Tatum. Still, despite being a heterosexual woman, I didn’t like Magic Mike.

59. Perry’s offering free mustache rides.

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You might want to pass on that. Even if he’s wearing a Santa suit. Guess watching children is a very boring job.

60. You don’t want to know what’s lurking in the storm drain.

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You can see Blanky with his cold eyes looking at the red balloon. Now he’s out for murder.

61. Impy has a message.

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He wants everyone to piss off. And he wrote it in pee on the ice.

62. McJingle would like to thank the Kelseys for taking him in.

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Is that in blood? And is he holding a knife? Quick hide the kids. Don’t want him to murder them in their sleep.

63. Brinker messed with the wrong ice queen.

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Mess with Queen Elsa and you’ll be frozen. That’s just how it goes. Brinker learned the hard way.

64. Flinker’s got the keys.

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Let’s hope he doesn’t decide to go on a joy ride. Because that would be bad.

65. Clinkers just wants some time to himself.

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So he’s looking at elf porn. Nonetheless, does he know those women aren’t really elves? Or doesn’t he care?

66. Susie needs to support herself somehow.

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Apparently, working at the North Pole doesn’t pay well. So Susie must do what she can to get by. Even by pole dancing.

67. “What happens when I pull this trigger?”

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Don’t try it, Bunky! Since you can’t assume a gun is loaded. No wonder I support gun control.

68. Pinkler always gets the money he needs.

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Sure he resorts to armed robbery. But he’s rolling in coins and bullets after robbing a gun and ammo store.

69. “Give me the money or else Santa dies.”

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What, kill Santa? Why would Evan even do such a thing? God, he should be in prison.

70. “Let’s cook.”

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Okay. Ingle cooks meth a la Walter White. Mostly because being an elf doesn’t pay the bills.

71. Stanley wants Santa’s soul.

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If I was Santa, I’d strongly put him on the naughty list. Because he’s a sociopathic demon.

72. Hope Ken doesn’t walk in.

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Here Minker is in bed and smoking cigarettes with Barbie. Wrong on so many levels.

73. How many Disney ladies can Ellis bed?

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Here he’s in bed with Ariel, Mulan, and Tinkerbell. Don’t want to ruin my childhood just yet.

74. Frinkle will have the Iron Throne.

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Bet he doesn’t want to know as long as he sits there, he’s in the hot seat. And he’ll eventually die, especially if he’s a disaster as ruler of the Seven Kingdoms.

75. Don’t want to know what Engle’s going to do with that beaver.

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He seems to be riding it with a rather suggestive grin. Also note that beaver is a slang term for female genitalia.

76. Lingle’s just reading a magazine.

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Apparently, that magazine is Playboy. And he’s certainly not reading it for the articles.

77. I think Drizzle’s a bit tied up.

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Is this supposed to be autoerotic asphyxiation? You know what actually killed David Carradine?

78. Here Glinko has two witches with him.

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And they’re Glinda and Elphaba. Wonder what can go wrong with that.

79. Queenie isn’t used to this toilet.

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Apparently, she shits mints. Don’t want to fish it out. No thanks.

80. Wringle’s just lounging around.

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Basically watching Barbie doing a naked pole dance. And he seems to enjoy it. That pervert.

 

 

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