I may be a non-pregnant single woman who doesn’t have kids, but even I know that like pets, babies need certain things that the rest of us don’t. Yes, we know they’re a lot of work and hassle since they can’t do anything for themselves save maybe the standard bodily functions and crying for someone to meet their every whim. However, despite what the media may seem, babies don’t stay babies for long so there are plenty of ways for new or expectant parents to get all their baby needs without breaking the bank as much. Seriously, I can’t remember how many times I’ve seen baby stuff at yard sales. Nevertheless, as the oldest of 24 grandchildren, I’ve probably been around babies longer than a lot of people that I’ve lost count to how many baptisms I’ve been to growing up. Still, this doesn’t stop some enterprising person from inventing some baby stuff these little tykes really don’t need or want in that matter. Some baby things out there will not see much use like certain clothes whether by designers or not. Some baby things are just downright inappropriate or ridiculous. And other products just may traumatize the wee things. Then there are the baby products that would make some people wonder whether they should call Child Services on their parents. Of course, as long as the human race keeps reproducing, there will always be someone trying to cash in on it. So without further adieu, here is an assortment of products for babies that parents should probably stay away from.
1. Laugh and Learn Apptivity Case
I know future generations will need to learn to live with technology. But c’mon, do babies really need iPhones this badly? In fact, I’m sure nobody wants their babies learn cognitive skills by organizing their contacts folder.
2. The WhyCry Mini Cry Analyzer
Yes, I know babies cry a lot. But I’m sure it doesn’t take much for parents to know what their babies want without one, especially when it comes to diaper changes. Nevertheless, I suspect this is a scam or an annoying game of Simon for infants.
3. Gotta Go Mitts
Now I know this is for little kids. But still, wouldn’t it be better to teach them to clean their messes. Also, there are already products that keep kiddie hands clean. It’s called soap. You may have heard of it.
4. Heelarious Baby Heels
Oh, hell no! Seriously, now’s not the time to give baby Maddie a lifetime of foot problems or see a podiatrist before her time, especially when she’s barely learned to walk. Seriously, why does this product even exist?
5. The Baby Lasso
Yes, it may be hard to keep babies still for a diaper change. But still, what the hell is this thing even used for? Is the baby a piece of cattle?
6. Pee Pee Teepee
Now these are supposed to cover a baby boy’s junk during a diaper change in order to avoid any accidents. Of course, some baby boys might think it takes all the fun out of it. May only be useful about once or twice.
7. Poop Alarm
Now this device is designed to alert parents when the baby needs changing. However, there is a cheaper and more reliable device that already does this which doesn’t attach to a baby’s butt. It’s called the nose.
8. The Baby Flower Shower Visor
It’s said to help protect babies from getting soap and shampoo in their eyes. However, my question is how do you wash and rinse what’s under the cap? Also, the baby doesn’t seem happy in it.
9. Snail Vacuum Cleaner
The toy that combines the independence of riding free with the wind with the joys of housecleaning. I’m sure my mom would’ve wanted me to have one of these while I was a baby. Of course, I probably wouldn’t use it since I hate the noise of vacuum cleaners.
10. Baby Toupee
As to why anyone would want their babies to look like Donald Trump, I don’t have the slightest idea. Seriously, I’m sure the hair is as fake as the ugly mop Donald Trump has on his own head. And let’s just say, your baby is much less whiny and self-centered than he is.
11. The Tummy Tub
It’s basically a bucket that costs $45 that’s supposed to replicate the feeling of being in the womb. Nevertheless, if that does the trick, you should just hold on to your $45 and use a regular bucket, which comes with a handle.
12. The Grillz Pacifier
I’m sure Kanye West probably bought one of these for his daughter North. Nevertheless, I see a a lot of bad rap songs and crime in this child’s future, not to be stereotypical.
13. Baby Bangs
Just wait and their hair will come soon enough. That’s how it works. In the meantime, you don’t need me to tell you that these Baby Bangs look so ridiculous. Seriously, why does this even exist?
14. Baby Knee Pads
Because crawling babies have a chance to bust their knees while they’re on the mood and must need protection. This doesn’t account for the fact that ever since the dawn of time, most babies had to crawl without them and did just fine.
15. Baby Onesie Dust/Mop
Because if your baby can crawl, it can clean. Yeah, I’m sure your baby will be thrilled about that. Just wait until it needs a diaper change or slips on a hardwood floor and loses a tooth.
16. The Peekaru
For the Alien lover inside you. Sorry, but this seems like a choking hazard and a waste of money. Also, pretty creepy if you think about it.
17. J&D’s Bacon Flavored Baby Formula
Because it’s never too early to hop aboard the obesity train where all the stops consist of fat camp, body shaming, Type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and early death.
18. Crumb Cap
For those worried about a messy baby, then you shouldn’t even have a baby. Also, doubles as a scuba suit.
19. The Windi
This is a baby but plug supposed to help its gastrointestinal problems. However, I just see it as a big waste of money.
20. The Kickbee
This is a motion sensing belt that sends a tweet every time a kick is detected. Basically sets up your kid into being an annoying douche from inside the womb. Seriously, what does a fetus have to tweet about?
21. The Thudguard
Sure babies have softer heads than the rest of us. But still, I’m sure most of us have transitioned from infancy and toddlerhood just fine without the need for a stupid helmet like this. Seriously, kids get bumps and bruises all the time. The best we can do is make sure they’re more careful.
22. The Zaky Hand Pillow
Because nothing comforts your child more than a disembodied arm. Or in that case, gives parent’s nightmares. Luckily, the baby below just sees it as a toy.
23. NoseFrida the Snotsucker
Now I know a lot of people have snot coming out of their noses which is gross enough. However, sucking your baby’s snot with this thing is perhaps the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. Seriously, there’s a better way to clean your baby’s snot ridden face. It’s called a tissue or Kleenex.
24. The Bottle Holder
Is it so much effort just to hold a bottle to your child? Or do you have to get a contraption inspired by those beer holders we see at an NFL game? Also doubles as a baby paraglider.
25. The Crib Dribbler
Okay, this is just wrong. Seriously, cribs aren’t cages and babies aren’t pets. Also, while you’re at it, why don’t you just get a baby crib exercise wheel for your baby to run on? Fortunately, this isn’t a real product, just a prank box for a baby shower. Well, as far as we know.
26. The iPotty
With all the crap on Twitter and Facebook these days, it’s never too early to start trolling with this costing $499. Nevertheless, an iPad is probably not necessary for a potty training toddler. Still, does it come in adult size?
27. Baby Butt Fan
This is a fan that dries your baby’s butt. However, there’s a much cheaper alternative to this that only takes 10 seconds.
28. Baby Keeper
Because when mommy and daddy have their hands full, baby needs to be strung up and put against the wall. Guaranteed to traumatize the little tykes that they’ll need a diaper change every time they’re out of it.
29. Swimming Neck Ring
Otherwise known as, “My First Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Trainer.” Supposed to keep babies afloat. Seriously, this looks like it could suffocate them. I’m sure they have other baby floatation devices.
30. My Carry Potty
I hate to say this, but wouldn’t just be easier for your potty trained kid to just use a public toilet? Would make much better sense than having them carry their crap around with them. Disgusting.
31. Baby Bomb Shelter
For the crazy survivalist parent who believes that the apocalypse will soon be upon us. I’m sure this baby will totally use this thing. Not.
32. The Po-Knee
This device brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millennium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated. Parents, make sure the individual giving out pony rides is always wearing pants.
33. The Baby Bubadoo
Basically this is a baby straitjacket for the changing table.Seriously, why don’t you put on a baby Hannibal Lecter mask while you’re at it?
34. Baby Perfume
Sure babies tend to stink a lot since they pee and poo in their diapers. But this doesn’t mean you should buy perfume for them. Seriously, they’re too young for that.
35. Baby Bikini
Because it’s never too early to sexualize your little girl with swimwear. Seriously, why does this thing even exist?
36. Toe Blooms
Now these would be perfect for my cousin Ava’s very first trip to Las Vegas. Of course, this is assuming her parents are incredibly irresponsible people (which they’re not). Seriously, Vegas is a terrible place for babies. You’re better off taking them to Disney World.
37. Ashton Martin Stroller
For God’s sake, $3,000 is way too much for a baby stroller. Seriously, what kind of parent in their right mind would buy this thing?
38. Baby Flip Flops
Sorry, but if your baby can’t walk into a shower unsupervised, then it’s probably not the time to buy baby flip flops. Seriously, how do these things exist?
39. Clip-On Stroller Fan
Obviously designed by someone who’s never been around babies or small children. I mean that just looks like an accident waiting to happen.
40. Baby Cleats
Listen, if your baby isn’t walking, then it’s too early to get them to play soccer. Seriously, who the hell thinks babies can play soccer for God’s sake?
41. iPhone Teether
For one, it’s made from wood. Second, if you give your baby this, try telling your kid later that “phones are not toys.” Yeah, they’ll listen (sarcasm).
42. My Pee Pee Bottle
If your toddler has grown out of diapers then they should be potty trained to use a toilet. He or she should only pee in a bottle if there’s no place to pee in sight, like everyone else. Also, if it’s a girl, I especially recommend the toilet, for obvious reasons.
43. Toddler Urinal
I’m sure there’s a better way to teach your son how to pee standing up than buying his own training urinal. It’s called the toilet and he could even use it to pee sitting down, too. Also, what’s wrong with teaching him how to pee sitting down first?
44. Juppy Baby Walking Aid
Sure babies must learn to walk sometime. But putting them in a harness 57 times a day just seems too much trouble than just having them hold your freaking hand.
45. Paper High Chair
I’m sure this is supposed to be “sustainable” but I’m just not buying it, especially since it seems disposable. Of course, there’s a better way to be sustainable with high chairs. Just buy one at a yard sale for God’s sake.
46. Walk Up Toddler Changing Table
If your toddler is old enough for this, then they’re probably old enough to use a toilet. Seriously, why does this even exist? Better stick with a potty seat.
47. Riding Potty Chair
I don’t think mixing bathroom time with playground time is a good idea. Seriously, I just hope this girl knows that you don’t take a dump on the playground equipment nor do you ride on the toilet.
48. Penguin Urinal
Now if you thought the toddler urinal was crazy enough, this one tells little boys to pee into their, “penguin friend.” Also, it’s said you can place this thing anywhere, even the living room. Which begs the question, why?
49. Potty Mitts
Public bathrooms may be gross but still, I’m not sure you want your kids growing up to be the next Howard Hughes. Seriously, nobody wears mitts going to the bathroom, save maybe Alaska.
50. Poop Scoop Bag
Now as someone who lives in the country, I think a poop scoop bag is ridiculous enough in its original use. But using one for babies? Seriously, we have diapers for a reason. Still, if you’re going to clean up from your kid like that, why don’t you just line the floor with newspapers or buy a pooper scooper?
51. Baby Dumbbell
Sure babies need their exercise. But some workout routines should be started later than others. Weightlifting probably falls among the later.
This is supposed to be a cocoon like sack to get a baby to sleep and it’s stretchy enough for comfort and movement. However, it resembles something you’d see at the Ye Olde Insane Asylum.
Now this straps your baby onto a changing table so you won’t have a hard time cleaning up. Of course, my grandfather used to strap me onto a changing table in my infancy and it didn’t cost him $42. Still, this isn’t a medieval torture device.
54. Baby Stimulation Shirt for Adults
Yes, now parents can wear this shirt to stimulate their baby’s senses at the cost of the retail price and their dignity. Seriously, I’m sure plenty of parents just bought educational toys instead.
55. The Ritmo Advanced Pregnancy Sound System
I’m sure fetuses need a lot of things, but I’m not sure blasting music through the womb is one of them. Seriously, singing is cheaper and won’t cost $150.
56. Baby Tattoos
Of course, these aren’t real. But still, I’m sure grandma won’t be pleased assuming she’s not in a biker gang. Seriously, babies are too young for tattoos.
57. Beeni Baby Hat
Combine this with the Baby Bubadoo, and you’ve gotten a little Hannibal Lecter on your hands. Seriously, this is disturbing, not cute.
Thong diapers? Why in the hell do these exist? Seriously, these aren’t just inappropriate but they probably aren’t as effective as regular diapers.
59. The Bite Counter
Basically this is designed to count bites. But I think it’s maximum embarrassment with minimum effort. From Japan, no less.
60. Baby Hjolster
Because in Texas, carrying a baby has to be like carrying a gun: from the hip. Seriously, why? It’s stupid.
61. The Boob Hat
Inspired by the mother’s breasts and the father’s NFL beer hat, this is supposed to feed an active baby or toddler without disrupting their lifestyles. However, has the unfortunate side effect of making your little one look like a complete idiot.
62. Colemom 1.5 Person Wearable Breastfeeding Tent
Good News: Will keep moms away from cops asking them to cover up while breastfeeding in public.
Bad News: Force moms to sacrifice their dignity upon feeding baby.
63. Mr. Milker Breastfeeding Vest for Men
Now I may be for gender equality and gay marriage as much as anyone, but I believe God created men and women as anatomically different for a reason. Seriously, the concept behind this is just very wrong. Besides, the idea that breastfeeding is the only way you can bond with your baby is just plain sexist.
64. The Baby Cage
Hey, stupid baby products aren’t just limited to the 21st century. When your grandparents were young, many of them were suspended over their family’s apartment windows with these. It’s a wonder how many of them managed to survive childhood without needing therapy.
65. Ice Skating Baby Holder
Another vintage baby product that makes the baby cage seem reasonable. Still, if mommy and daddy want to go ice skating, why can’t they just leave baby with a sitter or grandparents? Seriously, think about the baby’s safety here!
66. Bottle Sling
I don’t know about you, but this seems like an all around formula disaster waiting to happen. Seriously, why does this even exist?
67. Bathtub Divider
I’m sure plenty of parents bathed their babies just fine without one. Seriously, they have baby bathtubs available. Why can’t parents just use that?
68. Sun Smarties Swimwear
These suits are meant to protect babies and toddlers from sunburn. Still, sunscreen was invented like 100 years ago, so parents don’t have to dress their little ones at the beach with “My Very First Haz Mat Suit.” Yes, nothing says “fun in the sun” like a uranium leak that’s going to give your future grandchildren 3 heads.
69. Safety Trampoline
A kind of trampoline for your child minus the terrible injuries or fun. Seriously, if you kid thinks holding a bar while jumping repeatedly in place is fun, you might need to reconsider their sugar intake.
70. Time Out Pad
Now this is supposed to turn a common parental punishment into a fun game with sound effects and lights. Seriously, small children have no concept of time and time out isn’t supposed to be fun.
71. Lil’ Chompers
Just because babies are born without teeth, doesn’t mean you should buy dentures for them. The teeth will come before you know it, like in seven months. These just make your baby look freaky.
72. Nurse Me Tender
Just because you can’t breastfeed, doesn’t mean you should use this to feed your baby. Why else do we have baby formula or bottles? Seriously, why does this exist?
73. Toddler Tracker
Because toddlers tend to wander off, here’s a surveillance device in order to know where they are. Let’s hope it can’t be detached by kidnappers. Still, if you feel that your kid needs a tracker, what does it say about your parenting skills?
74. Wipe Warmer
I know these are supposed to keep wipes warm. However, a non-warm wipe will do just fine. So why waste your hard earned cash on this stupid thing?
75. Bling Binky
A diamond studded pacifier? For the love of God! Seriously, you can get a pacifier cheap at any store. So there’s no reason why parents should spend hundreds of dollars on a stupid binky.
76. Baby-Q Ribs
Just because your baby is teething doesn’t mean it’s time to teach them how to eat some baby back ribs. Seriously, BBQ ribs are for grown-ups.
77. The Nuroo Pocket Babywearing Shirt
This is supposed to make mothers look good as they have a baby down her shirt. However, to me, this just looks freaky.
78. Pacifier Wipes
You can easily wash pacifiers in the dishwasher or with soap and water. Like my parents did. So why to these even exist I’ll never know.
79. Baby Whirpool Spa
I’m sure this is as expensive as hell and totally unnecessary. Seriously, your baby can go without jetted water or a spa tub for that matter.
80. Formula Mixer
I’m sure there’s a cheaper gizmo that will mix baby formula just as well. You may have heard of it. It’s called a spoon.
Crazy products! I like your “keep it simple” approach. Very funny!