Not So Great Tidings of Not Much Comfort and Joy Christmas Gift List (Fourth Edition)

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As anyone would guess, Christmas gifts are among the most important holiday traditions. Since if we didn’t exchange gifts during this time of year, we wouldn’t have all this Christmas commercialism in the first place. Nonetheless, while we always look forward to opening our Christmas presents, not all gifts will be winners. In fact, everyone has probably received a terrible Christmas gift at one point of their lives. After all, there are plenty of people who are very hard to buy for. Or many of the people in your life are on a budget. Or you had to buy a gift for someone you didn’t know or a secret Santa. But there are some gifts that go beyond the conventional bad Christmas presents. You’ll probably never receive any of these. But if you do, know that you’re probably not alone. Or someone has seen my bad gift posts and possibly hates you. In any case, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of holiday gift disasters. Some of these may not be safe for work, by the way.

  1. Jewel Encrusted Kleenex box
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Basically says, “you sneeze a lot and have very expensive tastes.” Besides, you can get cheaper tissue boxes than this.

2. Creative Cursing: A Mix and Match Profanity Generator

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If you want to protest Donald Trump like a Brit, this is the book for you. Otherwise, best not to give to children who might make their parents think you’re setting a bad example.

3.  Chambong  Shooter Set

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Now you can shoot champagne straight into your mouth. Might make people think you have a drinking problem.

4. Trumpy Bear

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He’s basically a Donald Trump teddy bear that will turn everything you love into shit. Great for inflicting harm on your enemies. Still, for the love of God, kill it. Kill it with fire.

5. Toothed Mug

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Guaranteed to creep people out when you have your coffee. Seriously, who puts teeth on a mug?

6. Toilet Donald

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From Huffington Post: “Imagine waking up at 3 a.m. and seeing this Toilet Donald statue angrily tweeting about some imagined slight. Oh, sorry. That’s a nightmare.”

7. Praying Mantis Angel

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From Huffington Post: “This praying mantis statue definitely offers a new angle on angels. If the recipient looks at you incredulously (a good possibility), just look beatifically at the sky and say, ‘the Lord does work in strange and mysterious ways.'”

8. Impeach Toaster and Jam

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From Huffington Post: “Looking for a gift for the person still feeling burned by the 2016 election? Want something special for the person who thinks Trump is toast in 2020? This Trump toaster burns the face of The Donald on one side of bread, with ‘You’re Fired!’ on the other. The product’s website also sells ‘Impeach Jam.'”

9. Tactical Kilt

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From Huffington Post: “If you’re in a situation where you’re wearing a kilt, it’s not a bad idea for it to be camouflaged (why call attention to yourself?). The Tactical Kilt is especially handy because it has pockets and compartments that allow you to hide weapons, the better to protect yourself if people make fun of you.”

10. Life Preserver Bottle Cover

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From Huffington Post: “Why a life preserver for a bottle of wine? If you have to ask why, you’ll never understand.”

11. Moose Foot Rest

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From Huffington Post: “After a hard day, there is nothing like resting your feet on a moose-shaped Ottoman. And there is probably nothing in your house that matches a moose-shaped Ottoman. Just a warning: If you get this for Christmas, your kids will never let you get rid of it.”

12. Potty Texter

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From Huffington Post: “Texting in a bathroom isn’t easy. You have to hold the phone with both hands, leaving nothing to hold a glass of wine (or anything else). The Potty Texter apparently makes it easier to answer nature’s call while answering emails or checking out social media feeds. Just promise me you won’t use this to do a Facebook Live feed, please?”

13. Hand Turkey Statue

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From Huffington Post: “Hand turkeys are a common art project for school kids, but few of them are as elaborate as this statue that combines a turkey head with a human hand. Or as creepy. Yep, definitely creepy.”

14. Beard Bib

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From The Huffington Post: “Some weird gifts are actually weirdly useful, such as the Beard Bib. Hook it to a mirror with suction cup and it will catch all the facial hair before it gets stuck on the sink. I assume it could also work for vomit, spittle, last night’s dinner and other things you don’t want in the sink, but that’s a little gross to think about.”

15. Vladimir Putin Scratching Post

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From The Huffington Post: “If Donald Trump can scratch Vladimir Putin’s back, why can’t your cat scratch everywhere else. Yes, all cats will be rushin’ to use this scratching post of the Russian dictator, even though others would rather scratch his eyes out.”

16. Mini Mobile LED Disco Ball

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That way, you can bring the party anywhere. But make sure you plug it in first.

17. Emergency Underwear

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If you need a pair on the go, these will serve you well. Just go into a bathroom and change first. Still, this is a pretty terrible gift.

18. You Said You Wanted Nothing Box

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For the person who said they wanted nothing. But you didn’t get the memo that they expected you to give them a gift anyway.

19. How to Traumatize Your Children: 7 Proven Methods to Help You Screw Up Your Kids Deliberately and with Skill by Knock Knock

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An ideal gift for the parent who wants to scare the kids straight. Then again, this might not be good for any children.

20. Chanel Lightbulb Heels

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For the woman who wants to make an electric entrance. Then again, I’m not sure if the light actually works. Also, looks pretty ridiculous.

21. Nude Art Purse

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As you can see, the art isn’t the greatest. Faces range from Cubist to goblin.

22. Nicholas Cage Sequin Pillow

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On one side, it’s shiny red. On the other is Nicholas Cage’s face. Hope your loved one enjoys this one.

23. Glow in the Dark Toilet Seat

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Now if you have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, you can find your way. Yet, it’ll make your toilet appear like a nuclear disaster area.

24. The Hungoevr Cookbook by Milton Crawford

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For the person in your life who loves food. But is often seen holding bottle of booze at a party when you see them.

25. Fifty Shades of Chicken by FL Fowler

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It’s like Fifty Shades of Grey. But with kinky chicken recipes to try with your partner. Then again, that might be a better idea than the real book.

26. Bernie Sanders Chia Head

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For the democratic socialist with a green thumb. Nonetheless, Bernie certainly has hair like that.

27. Farting Teddy Bear

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It’s a cuddly teddy bear known to break wind. Kids will love it. Parents not so much.

28. Motorized Rolling Pin

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Okay, this is a prank pack. But I’m sure many would want something that would roll the dough itself.

29. Big Head Squirrel Feeder

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Allows you to feed the critters outside. Though a bird feeder works just as well. Seriously, I’ve seen it in action.

30. Bluetooth Bathroom Scale

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It’s the hot new tech gift that nobody wants, especially women. Great for making that special someone hate you for the rest of your life.

31. Toilet Office Organizer

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You can store paper clips in the seat. While the figure holds tape as toilet paper and pencil at the mouth.

32. Crumpled Trash Throw Pillow

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From Buzzfeed: “Crumpled trash is the pinnacle of true love.” I’d beg to differ on that.

33. Chopstick Pencils

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Now you can eat and write with the same utensils. Okay, that’s quite unsanitary.

34. Star Trek: Next Generation Tiki Mugs

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From The Huffington Post: “This collection of tiki mugs — modeled on the mugs of various characters from ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’ — is perfect for the person who loves foofy drinks and ‘90s sci-fi. As Jean-Luc Picard might say: ‘Make it so … alcoholic.'” Wait a minute, Cardassians and Ferengi are much more appropriate for Deep Space Nine.

35. Syringe Highlighters

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From Buzzfeed: “For the friend who has to endure medical school.” Or nursing school. Come in 6 different colors.

36. Eyebrow Razors

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It’s a cute way of telling your loved one that they remind you of the Wolfman. And that it might not be a good thing.

37. GameMaxx Hydrating Game Controller

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It’s supposed to keep you hydrated while you play video games. Okay, it’s actually a prank pack. Sorry to disappoint you.

38. iDrive Mobile Device Mount Accessory

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It’s a mount you can use to put your device up. Yes, it’s another prank pack. But that’s beside the point.

39. Anti-Fatigue Mat

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From Refinery29: “Because ladies LOVE doing dishes in their heels.” Actually we women do not.

40. Beginner’s Whittling Kit

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From Refinery29: “For the recent retiree or gentleman/woman/homesteader of leisure in your life, a gift that truly says, ‘This should keep you busy while you run out the ol’ life-clock.’ Your giftee will know you value traditional, rural handicraft and savings when you show them that it comes with a free issue of Carving Magazine!”

41. Bracelet Assistant

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From Refinery29: “Finally, a gift that reminds me of my arthritic wrists.” Maybe if you have arthritis, you shouldn’t wear bracelets.

42. Personal Pie Maker

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From Refinery29: “Finally, a girl can make four pies simultaneously, in a weird iron-maiden-type device, in the comfort and safety of her own home. Psych, everyone — this is actually the best gift.”

43. Wrap Purse

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From Refinery29: “It’s a scarf! No, it’s a purse! It’s a scurseparf! Forget those bras with pockets: Here’s the today way to sassily sport the valuables you need most, like your bling-y barrettes and Sophie Kinsella novels.”

44. Wine-Cork Trivet

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From Refinery29: “This is a super-classy, MoMA-approved way to commemorate the 36 most special times you ever got lit (precious memories). Don’t buy it for us, though. Our boxes of Chardonnay don’t come with corks.”

45. Edible Eyes

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They’re eyes you can stick on your food. Takes playing with it to a whole new level.

46. The Very Embarrassing Book of Dad Jokes by Ian Allen

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I’m sure it’s given to dads everywhere. With this book, they can be lame like the dad in that 1970s style cover.

47. Sushi Cat Keychains

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Indeed, these are cats on vinegar rice you can hang on your backpack or purse. For cat and sushi lovers everywhere.

48. Napsack Sleep Hood

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With this you can take a nap anytime and anywhere. Okay, this is actually a prank pack. But many would wish it can be the real thing.

49. Couch Potato Chips Pillow

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Guaranteed to last longer than a real bag of potato chips. Though this woman doesn’t know the difference.

50. Floppy Disk Coffee Table

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Comes with a secret compartment. Though your younger guests might think it resembles a save icon.

51. Chewing Gum Magnets

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From Buzzfeed: “HA HAR HA. Tell ’em how you really feel.” Wonder how people would react if you put them on your fridge.

52. Hinge Packing Tape

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It’s packing tape with hinges on it. Makes it seem that packages are easier or harder to open than they really are.

53. Cinema Place Mat

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Makes you think that your dinner is a preview. Not sure if that helps matters.

54. Pizza Bedsheets

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Do you love pizza so much you’d want to go to bed with it? Now you can in a way. Still, it’s kind of tacky.

55. Plop Trumps Card Game

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It’s a card game on the different kinds of poop there are. Disgusting? I know.

56. Polaroid Toilet Paper Holder

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That way you can get toilet paper like you got polaroids. Yet, many younger people may not know what this is supposed to resemble.

57. Beerzicle

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It’s to keep your beer cool when you don’t have a fridge in sight. Yeah, they seem to make so many beer products for some reason.

58. Coffee Talkies

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They’re coffee mugs with a 2 way radio. Okay, it’s a prank pack. I know it’s disappointing.

59. Quotations from Chairman Trump edited by Carol Pogash

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It’s supposed to be like Mao Zedong’s Little Red Book but with Donald Trump quotes. Let’s just say Mao was more eloquent in his oratory.

60. Rockin’ Wooden Spoons

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They’re wooden spoons shaped like guitars. Come in acoustic and electric.

61. Sarcastic Ball

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It’s like a Magic 8 Ball. But it’s gives you sarcastic answers. Then again, a real Magic 8 Ball was like that, too.

62. Emoji Golf Balls

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Well, they have a lot of other kinds of emoji stuff. Yet, imagine having to tee off with one of these.

63. Money Duck Soap

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It’s supposed to be a soap duck with money inside. By the way, the money’s not real as you can see.

64. I Could Pee on This and other Poems by Cats by Francesco Marciuliano

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So this is a poetry book by cats. Didn’t know they can write poems. Oh wait, they can’t.

65. Sloth Pillow

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It’s a pillow resembling a sloth. Blends in with the right kind of carpet.

66. The Proust Questionnaire

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I think it’s supposed to be a book asking questions about some French guy that no one reads. Well, that’s as far as I know.

67. Sleep in a Bucket: a Party Game

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It’s a card game featuring a variety of horrible and hilarious scenarios. Though Odo from Deep Space Nine slept in a bucket during the early seasons like it was nothing. Since he’s a shape-shifter.

68. Mitten Flask

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It’s supposed to keep your drink warm on a cold winter day. Though if you have one of these, you might also have a drinking problem.

69. Stress Balls

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For the woman who’s dealt with so much shit from men that squeezing a couple of nuts brings such sweet relief. Disgusting but kind of hilarious.

70. Waterproof Notepad

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It’s for writing notes while you’re in the shower. When you’re supposed to be cleaning yourself.

71. Tiki Fondue Set

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It’s a fondue for a luau party. Will go well with the Star Trek Next Gen tiki cups.

72. Tipsy Squirrel Water Bottle

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It’s a water bottle that resembles a bottle of moonshine. Though you have to love the passed out squirrel.

73. Turkey Pop Up Timer

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When it pops, the turkey’s done. Simple as that. Perfect for Thanksgiving.

74. Butt/Face Soap

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One side you use for your butt. The other side you use for scrubbing your face. Yeah, I know it’s pretty lame.

75. Fifty Shades of Brown Lavatory Mist

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It’s toilet spray for the kinky kind. Of course, it’s a way to tell someone that their bathroom smells like shit.

76. Smoking Donkey

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It’s supposed to be a donkey cigarette dispenser. Indeed, it’s in poor taste and fosters bad health habits.

77. Eyeball Lunch Box

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It’s a way you can carry your lunch and freak people out at the same time. Comes with eye chart.

78. Waxed Ranch Flavored Dental Floss

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It’s dental floss with a ranch dressing taste. While using it will clean your teeth, your mouth won’t smell like minty freshness.

79. Instant Audience

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For the person who needs constant reactions but can’t afford a crowd. Perfect for the person who has to work closely for Donald Trump.

80. Shittens

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They’re mittens for wiping your butt when you go to the bathroom. I’m sure they’re disposable.

81. Pizza Box Seat

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It’s a seat made from pizza boxes. Great way to show the world you love pizza and are poor.

82. Ryan Gosling Panties

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For the girl who loves Ryan Gosling. But if you’re her boyfriend, you’ll eventually get sick of looking at his face after awhile.

83. Selfies: A Photo Album of Me, Myself, and I

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Finally, a photo album for the pictures you take of yourself. Perfect for the narcissists in your life.

84. Drunk, Stoned, or Stupid: A Party Game

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It’s one of those party games where players decide who’s most likely to do what. By the way, no one wins at the game.

85. Happy Guy Cork Screw

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I’m sure this guy will make your parties. Though you wouldn’t want children to attend them. Since he has a rather swirly appendage.

86. Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrush

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Now you can hear the music of Justin Bieber while cleaning your teeth. Perfect for that special someone who you want to see suffer.

87. Fortune Telling Tumbler

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From The Huffington Post: “Some people look for happiness in the bottom of a glass. Now you can see the future. The Fortune Teller Tumbler uses the same ‘technology’ of the Magic 8 Ball kids toy to answer life’s most pressing questions. ‘Am I going to get stupid drunk tonight trying to get a decent fortune out of this glass?’ ‘All signs point to yes.'”

88. Portable Breathalyzer

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From The Huffington Post: “Drinking more during the holidays? The AlcoMate portable breathalyzer can come in handy. However, take it from me: People get awfully competitive when you have a portable breathalyzer: Everyone will try to beat the other person’s score and the only one who wins is the Uber driver.” Perfect for choosing who’s going to be the designated driver.

89. Poop: The Game

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From The Huffington Post: “Just to be clear: Poop is a game, not actual poop itself. The game requires players to get rid of their ‘poop’ cards without clogging the toilet. Certainly, there are crappier gifts to get.”

90. Ben & Jerry’s Euphoir-Ice Cream Pint Combination Lock Protector

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For the person who’s a bit too possessive about their ice cream. Surely there’s enough to share around.

91. The Grilled Cheesus Sandwich Press

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Want to make a delicious grilled cheese and drive Bible Belt Christians nuts? This is for you.

92. Beer Helmet

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Perfect for the drunken frat boy in your life who loves beer. Like Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

93. 64oz Huge Giant Flask

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Comes with 2 shot glasses for a drinking game. Perfect for the drunk uncle in your life.

94. Fart Extinguisher

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It’s a way to manage those silent but deadlies. Though I don’t think it does shit.

95. Talking Donald Trump Statue

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From The Huffington Post: “Just what everyone wants for Christmas: A Donald Trump doll that spouts 17 of the trademark phrases he repeats at all of his rallies. Give this to a Trump supporter at your own risk, because they will keep pushing the button in order to push your buttons.” Unlike the real Trump, at least this one shuts up when you want it to and doesn’t take its unstoppable rage on Twitter.

96. DNA Wine

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From The Huffington Post: “Know someone who is really picky about their wine, but doesn’t know why they like what they like? Let DNA do the dirty work. The Vinome wine club selects wine based on the flavor preferences found in certain gene markers. The DNA spit test can help determine if the drinker is partial to bitter flavors, fruity flavors, and certain types of reds or whites. It worked for me and determined I like wine. Lots of it! Thank you, science!”

97. Gunsticles

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From The Huffington Post: “Gunsticles are metal balls in the shape of testicles designed to be attached to a gun. They serve no purpose whatsoever, other than to: A) tell others you have ‘balls,’ and B) letting others at the gun range easily spot the tool.”

98. Fish Sandals

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From The Huffington Post: “Fish sandals. Two words you never realized sounded so good together until you read them just now.” Still, they look kind of disgusting.

99. Hidden Door

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From The Huffington Post: “It’s not for everyone, but you know there is at least one person in your life who would love a hidden door. Bonus points if they are a legit mad scientist. Negative points if they operate a meth lab.”

100. Singing Pasta Timer

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From The Huffington Post: “Figuring out whether pasta is ready is one of life’s hassles, requiring a person to repeatedly pick spaghetti out of a boiling pot and fling it against a wall. Wouldn’t it better to have a singing piece of plastic to let you know? Please don’t answer that. I can’t hear you anyway.”

 

 

 

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Not So Great Tidings of Not Much Comfort and Joy Christmas Gift List (Third Edition)

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Now we come to the major retailers’ reason for the season, presents. Since it’s in the presents that all the incessant Christmas shopping and advertising is all about. So much so that you find companies advertising as early as October and stores decking the halls as early as November. Yet, looking for the perfect gift for that special someone during the holidays could be a challenge (unless those recipients are children). This is especially if they don’t tell you what they want outright or if you barely know the person. And don’t get me started for those who have to buy a Secret Santa gift where it’s basically one size fits all. However, there are plenty of gifts you most definitely shouldn’t give your loved ones and that’s where I come in. And let’s just say you find plenty of terrible gift ideas on the internet if you know where to look. Nevertheless, the bad gift ideas I look for aren’t the traditional ones like neckties, bathroom scales, or candles. But rather stuff that you’d best avoid unless you’re buying for someone you don’t like. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of holiday gift ideas you best not abide. By the way, some of these might not be safe for work.

  1. Wondermade Bourbon Marshmallows

Now you can have marshmallows that taste like booze. Why anyone would want that, I have no idea.

2. Desktop Basketball

Shoot hoops at the office with this fun desk game. All fun and games until the ball hits Jeff from accounting.

3. “I Am Not a Paper Cup…” Porcelain Cup

Here’s the perfect coffee cup for those who enjoy coffee and abhors cardboard. Comes with a silicon lid.

4. Reliance Luggable Loo

Bring the port a potty experience to your life with this. But during an outdoor camping trip in the woods. Because publicly relieving yourself on this won’t win you many friends.

5. Damn! Guy Talking Stress Ball

Because squeezing a talking stress ball is a great way to blow off steam. Prone to annoy co-workers for hours.

6. Tattly Watch Tattoos

That way, you can make yourself look like you’re wearing a watch but aren’t. Come in several different colors.

7. I Judge You When You Use Poor Grammar: A Collection of Egregious Errors, Disconcerting Bloopers, and Other Linguistic Slip-Ups by Sharon Eliza Nichols

Enjoy countless hours of laughing at mistakes of those who fail at basic syntax. Fun for the whole family.

8. Jane Austen Tattoos

Give your Austen fan a way to look like a bad bitch with these tattoos. Tramp stamp not included since that’s just plain improper.

9. Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer

It’s the kind of gift that suggests, “I know you look at porn, Bob.” If you’re a woman, it’s a great way to tell your boss he’s a total creep. This is especially if he happens to be Louis C.K.

10. Santa Hat Hip Flask

Makes a handy way to store your eggnog for the office Christmas party. A must have for any Santa pub crawl.

11. Toe Tunes Slipper Speakers.

Spend endless hours dancing to music with these slippers. Also double as headphones. Okay, this is a prank pack. But it’s quite amusing.

12. Roulette Drinking Game

A way to gamble and get drunk during a party. Just like so many do in Las Vegas.

13. LED Light Up Cocktail Shaker

Best way to make cocktails at a rave. Though I’m sure James Bond would beg to differ.

14. Adulting Stickers

After all, children receive stickers for their achievements. So why not adults? Reward yourself with these stickers for mundane adulthood accomplishments.

15. Smart Water Bottle

The kind of gift that says, “I know you like to work out. Yet, you also lose a lot of important stuff.” Has a compartment for your keys, money, and credit cards.

16. Glitter Christmas Light Up Flashing LED Sunglasses

From B+C: “What lights up and will instantly turn you into the opposite of the grinch?” Think it as something Elton John would wear to a Christmas party.

17. Stone Cask Shot Flask

For those who wish to drink with sophistication. And probably have a drinking problem.

18. Animal Head Shot Glasses

These are the kind of shot glasses for a hunting party. Though they seem somewhat impossible to set down. Well, unless you remove the heads first.

19. Hot Seat Board Game

In this game, each player answers personal questions while pretending to be in the “hot seat.” Depending on the crowd, can result in lots of laughs, fights, relationship breakdowns, and possibly a lifetime of therapy.

20. Chambong

Down champagne like a fish with this Chambong glass. Though it might make you look like an idiot during more formal occasions.

21. Foodie Dice

Not sure what to make for dinner? Then foodie dice provides the answer. Though you can also check your fridge for leftovers, too.

22. Transparent Kitchen Safe

From B+C: “Protect your cookies from… people who apparently steal your cookies so often that you need a safe?” Try getting those chocolate chip cookies now, Cookie Monster.

23. BigMouth Inc German Shepherd Mask

From B+C: “Could the German Shepherd mask be the new creepy horse mask? Only time will tell.” Me: Absolutely.

24. Ta-Ta Towel

Because any woman could use a special towel to dry her boobs. Instead of like an actual towel she normally uses for drying everything.

25. Travel John Disposable Urinal

It’s the kind of gift for someone who can’t hold it in between rest stops. Not something you’d want to receive in a gift exchange.

26. Marie Antoilette Toilet Spray

It’s basically Poopourri for those who expect to be treated like royalty. Not sure if anyone would lose their head over this.

27. Sasswear Pink Star Light Up LED Pasties

Now you can go to a rave with light up pasties. Goes great with glow sticks or your Lady Gaga costume.

28. $100 Bill Toilet Paper

From Dodoburd: “This toilet paper is in the likeness of $100 bills, so you can feel like Bill Gates or Warren Buffett and take care of business with money instead of toilet paper. It’s a way to get a taste of the good life without having to manage a multi-billion dollar corporation.”

29. Demeter Pizza Perfume

Because there’s nothing more irresistible than smelling you just came out of a pizza shop. Whether that’s a good or bad thing is hard to say.

30. Chippendale Bottle Ring

And you can guess where the bottle goes. Yep, the place where the sun don’t shine.

31. Unzipped Bag Glass Bowl

Hold candy in a glass bowl that’s shaped like a plastic bag. Sure it’s not the best looking bowl. But hey, what do you know?

32. Pet Rock

These were a fad in the 1980s. I know it’s kind of hard to fathom that now.

33. Hot Dog Toaster

Toast hotdogs with your very own hotdog toaster. Though to be fair, you can always use a toaster oven.

34. NapSack Sleep Hood

Finally, something you can use to take a nap anywhere or anytime. Though you can just use a sleep mask. Nevertheless, this is a prank.

35. Turn and Churn Ice Cream Maker

With this you can make ice cream treats on your car. Okay, this another prank gift. But it’s so hysterical I couldn’t ignore it.

36. Eye Clock

It’s the kind of clock that will make people feel rather uncomfortable. I me an it’s a giant eye that always seems like watching you.

37. Fish Plug

It’s kind of disturbing if you think about it. Seems like a fish going down the drain.

38. Game of Thrones Themed Wine

Because what else could you give a Game of Thrones fan? Just make sure that special someone isn’t getting married. Since this is more appropriate for a red wedding.

39. Snake Eyes: A Nicholas Cage Activity Book

Includes puzzles pertaining to National Treasure and Raising Arizona. Still, who’d really want something like this is beyond me.

40. Raining Men Umbrella

Though funny, it’s not the kind of umbrella you’d want in 2017. Seriously, have you heard of all the sexual misconduct allegations?

41. Chuao Baconluxurious Chocolate

It’s a chocolate bar with bacon. Though people love both bacon and chocolate, that doesn’t mean the two should be together.

42. Craftsman Beer Soap Sampler

Yes, they all smell like different kinds of beer. Now you can get yourself clean and smell like you’ve walked out of a bar.

43. Bakon Vodka

Because your cocktail drink should always taste of breakfast. I know, it’s pretty disgusting.

44. Bald Man’s Comb

You know, the kind of comb a bald guy uses. Notice the combs are on the ends.

45. Trim Beard Oil and Shampoo

From B+C: “Decorative beards and mustaches are definitely here to stay, so give that guy in your life the products he needs to keep things tidy.” Still, I’m a woman, and even I don’t like receiving hygiene products. I’m sure guys would feel the same.

46. Outlaw Soaps Fire in the Hole Solid Cologne

It’s cologne meant to smell of a campfire. And it’s said to be explosively awesome. Like you’ve just been to a bonfire and now smell literally like smoke.

47. Canned Air from Singapore

Really? Canned air? I’m sure it’s just a whole can of nothing. Air is air no matter where it comes from.

48. Crime Scene Scarf

It’s the kind of gift that says, “I didn’t know what to give you this year. But I heard you enjoyed Law and Order. So there.”

49. Dad Bag Beer Belly Fanny Pack

Look, I don’t mean to offend. But a beer belly fanny pack is disturbing. By the way, I know the British definition of a “fanny pack” but that’s what I call it.

50. Fake Tampon Flasks

Now women can sneak in booze with flasks that resemble what they stick up their butt during their time of the month. Yeah, I know that’s gross.

51. Earwax Candle Kit

Yes, it’s a kit in which you make candles with the stuff in your ears. Fortunately it’s one of those prank boxes. So it’s not as truly disgusting as the image depicts.

52. Electric Wine Bottle Opener

Look, I understand an electric bottle opener’s useful. But I’m not sure if it’s something you give someone. Besides, a regular corkscrew works just as well.

53. Emergency Inflatable Brain

You’re supposed to use it to replace it when your brain goes wrong as far the description says. Except you can’t really replace your brain. And this is just a plastic balloon.

54. Wood Wick Fireside Candles

It’s a candle that cackles like a fireplace for those who don’t have them. Still, think it’s kind of stupid.

55. Flying Alarm Clock

Okay, that’s guaranteed to cause some injury. Should probably buy something else for secret Santa.

56. Smore Slippers

Makes you seem like you have gooey feet. But they’re not necessarily ideal outdoor wear either.

57. iDrive Mobile Device Mount

It’s supposed to hold your iPad while you’re in the car. Perfect when you’re stuck in traffic. Actually it’s a prank pack so it’s probably too good to be true.

58. A Jar of Nothing

A great to tell your Secret Santa you hate them. Because there’s nothing in this jar.

59. Drake Underwear

It’s a pair of underwear with Drake’s face on it. Since my sister did a portrait of him in high school, I feel rather tempted to give her one of these.

60. Nature Dick Pics 2018 Calendar

It’s a calendar featuring pictures of natural features that resemble male genitalia. So you can spend all month arguing how some National Monument looks like a penis.

61. Brookstone Virtual Keyboard

From Refinery29: “The kind of people who like to text in full paragraphs do not need any encouragement, please.” Costs $89.

62. Sharper Image Adjustable Tablet Stand

From Refinery29: “For those moments when lying around with your tablet is still too much effort.” Available at $159.00.

63. Brookstone Desk Elliptical Trainer

From Refinery29: “For the exercise-averse who are also people-averse.” Available at $109.

64. Infectious Disease Ball

From Refinery29: “If you don’t have trypophobia already, you will after squeezing one of these things and watching the “blisters protrude from the bag.” Blech.” Disgusting indeed.

65. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez CD Clock

From Refinery29: “Ever wonder what happened with the world’s supply of CD-ROMs? A man named Dick in Chicago turned them into clocks and is now marketing them to our youth.” Besides, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez aren’t together anymore.

66. Hop Balls Adult Jumping Ball

From Refinery29: “This is a toy that will get you arrested for playing in public.” Still, looks like fun.

67. SkyMall Posture Corrector

From Refinery29: “Like a firm hand on your back forcing you to sit up straighter — all the time.” Doesn’t look comfortable.

68. Lillian Vernon Knit Sweater and Hat Bottle Toppers

Refinery29: “Transform that tacky bottle of three-buck Chuck you’re gifting this season into the most festive bunch of barrel-chested revelers you ever did see!” Perfect for any ugly sweater party. Or not.

69. Oscar Mayer Bacon Gift Set

From Refinery29: “Who wouldn’t want a handsome, velveteen box — with engraved money clip or 9-in-1 tool — just bursting with sodium nitrate?” Uh, me.

70. Dance and Embrace Spirit Candles

From Refinery29: “Don’t you love when the lights are out, you’re burning your favorite candle, and it slowly melts to reveal a cluster of wraiths trapped in a ghostly embrace?” Okay, that’s really creepy.

71. High Heel Tape Dispenser

The office gift exchange item that enhances your desk’s tackiness. Still, I really don’t know what to think of this.

72. 12 Inch Classic Dammit Doll

It’s for stress relief which you can squeeze. Yet, in an age of Trump, you better go with a voodoo doll.

73. Ant Lollipops

They’re pastel lollipops with ants in them. Try licking these without wanting to puke.

74. Babe Cave Pillow

Because while a guy has his man cave, a woman needs a space of her own. Still, this is pretty tacky.

75. Bathroom Guest Book

That way, you can always know which people outside your home use the bathroom. Still, this is something I’d want if I have celebrities at my home.

76. Brooklyn Pet House

Now your pet can experience the blessings of overpriced housing. Seriously, this is ridiculous.

77. Bar Bell

Think of it as a lazy way to get someone to serve you a drink. But ring too many times and they’ll refuse.

78. Bear Mop Slippers

That way, you can clean the floors as you walk. They may be cute, but would anyone ask for these?

79. “I Pee in Pools” Cap

A great way to remind your friend why you don’t invite them to pool parties anymore. Though a cap of “I Poop in Pools” would be worse.

80. Public Toilet Survival Kit

Includes disposable gloves, antiseptic wipes, and a toilet seat cover. Perfect for the germaphobe in your life.

81. Dog Vomit Scented Candle

For nothing refreshes the room like your dog puking on the floor. Disgusting.

82. Richard Simmons Prayer Candle

Now you can light a candle to worship the patron saint of fitness. Though that might make your loved one say, “Who’s Richard Simmons?”

83. Inflatable Beard

Sure it’s supposed to make a man look like a Civil War general. Well, a Civil War general from cheap battle reenactment.

84. Instant Underpants

Just add water and you have a new pair of tidy whiteys. Actually, I’m not sure if this works.

85. Lisa Frank Makeup Brush

It’s basically the kind of makeup brush every young woman wanted when she was 6. She may like it, but is getting this a good idea?

86. Medical Marijuana Cigar Box

The kind of box you use to sneak some of those joints in. Except in Colorado, Washington State, and Massachusetts.

87. Biohazard Tape Dispenser

It’s for getting people to stay away from the messes you make. Like when your dog pukes on the carpet. Or does its business on the carpet.

88. Paris Hilton Siren Eau De Parfum Spray

Remember Paris Hilton? Here’s a perfume of hers. Prepare to reek of rich bitch with no brains or talent.

89. Paper Voodoo Doll

Because why stick pins into a doll while you can use a pencil for a paper one. Perfect for anyone suffering through the Trump administration. Like me.

90. Cast Away Wilson Volleyball

For the friend who lives far removed from civilization that he’s willing to make conversation with inanimate objects. Based on the Tom Hanks movie.

91. Nicholas Cage Rainbow Pillow

Yes, we all love to make fun of Nic Cage. He just has that intense stare. Though his career has never recovered since the 1990s.

92. Bear Oven Mitts

For a real beast in the kitchen. Good for protecting hands as well as letting everyone know who really gets the cookies.

93. Bigfoot Research Kit

Includes everything you need to find Sasquatch. Consists of stickers, a membership card, evidence flags, booklet, magnifier, seat bags, and more. Like you’ll ever find the guy.

94. Silk Suit Pajamas

Now your man can be ready for business time and bed. Though the sweat band kind of detracts.

95. Illumibowl Motion Activated Bathroom Light

So if you have to go at night, you don’t need to turn on the light in the bathroom. Useful but not desirable.

96. Splat Stan Coaster

From White Elephant Rules: “This rubber coaster makes it look like you’re crushing a little man with your coffee cup. Who wouldn’t enjoy that?”

97. Tiffany’s Crazy Straw

These are crazy straws for adults which costs $350. Certainly a rip off for the ages.

98. Throne Spray

From B+C: “As the dudes at Manready Mercantile describe, the idea behind this product was to ‘keep restrooms smelling like royalty.’ One question: When did restrooms ever smell like royalty? All reasonable questions aside, this citrus-inspired scent would be a welcome change in the loo.”

99. Weener Kleener Soap

It’s a man soap for his privates. A subtle way to tell your boyfriend that he has sweaty, smelly, and grimy junk.

100. The Very Best of David Hasselhoff CD

Since when did David Hasselhoff have a music career? Nevertheless, it probably sounds as good as anything by William Shatner or Terry Bradshaw.

Not So Great Tidings of Not Much Comfort and Joy Christmas Gift List (Second Edition)

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Of course, it’s always the gift giving that has made Christmas the kind of commercialized holiday it is today that many companies advertise their Christmas stuff as soon as Halloween is over. For some it’s even earlier than that. Now that Christmas shopping is well underway, I feel is a great time to discuss presents. Of course, other than wanting someone other than Donald Trump in the White House (which I know isn’t going to happen) and better blog earnings from WordPress, I haven’t given much thought to what I want this year. And I understand we all have people in our lives who are so hard to buy for that it’s nuts sometimes. Last year, I did a Christmas gift post that was late in the holiday season. However, though it’s may often be difficult on what to get for a special someone for Christmas, it’s easy to decide what not to get them. This is where I came in last year and do so again. Now like last year, the gifts I’m talking about don’t much pertain to traditional bad gifts like neckties, lotions, advice books, and bathroom scales. No, I’m going with much more crazier stuff than that. Like stuff the people in your life didn’t know they didn’t want. Or the hilarious gifts that don’t seem very funny to those who received them. So for your reading pleasure and gift giving caution, I give you another assortment of Christmas gifts no one dare wish to receive.

  1. Pizza Slice Sleeping Bag
I'm sure anyone who loves the great outdoors would want to sleep on a slice of pizza with plush toppings of broccoli, mushrooms, and olives. Available on Etsy for $200.

I’m sure anyone who loves the great outdoors would want to sleep on a slice of pizza with plush toppings of broccoli, mushrooms, and olives. Available on Etsy for $200.

2. Baked Potato Beanbag Chair

Because who doesn't dream about being inside a steaming hot mass of starch, sour cream, and chives. Includes butter pillow. Also available on Etsy for $200.

Because who doesn’t dream about being inside a steaming hot mass of starch, sour cream, and chives. Includes butter pillow. Also available on Etsy for $200.

3. Avenging Narwhal Playset

According the the product description, "The narwhal is an arctic-dwelling whale that has been called ”the unicorn of the sea” due to its long pointy tusk. There is debate about the true purpose of this tusk, but finally the truth is revealed! The narwhal uses its tusk to impale the cute animals of the world, specifically baby seals, baby penguins and koalas." Includes 4 magical tusks and 3 adorable animals to impale. Not sure the koala and baby penguin is included since they usually live in the Canadian Arctic. Besides, it's only the males sport the iconic tusks.

According the the product description, “The narwhal is an arctic-dwelling whale that has been called ”the unicorn of the sea” due to its long pointy tusk. There is debate about the true purpose of this tusk, but finally the truth is revealed! The narwhal uses its tusk to impale the cute animals of the world, specifically baby seals, baby penguins and koalas.” Includes 4 magical tusks and 3 adorable animals to impale. Not sure the koala and baby penguin is included since they usually live in the Canadian Arctic. Besides, it’s only the males sport the iconic tusks.

4. Lung Ashtray

There's nothing like a lung ashtray to remind the smoker in your life that they're making themselves susceptible to respiratory disease. Perhaps stick to Nicorette gum instead.

There’s nothing like a lung ashtray to remind the smoker in your life that they’re making themselves susceptible to respiratory disease. Perhaps stick to Nicorette gum instead.

5. Keurig Wine Dispenser

Because shouldn't that special someone in your life get their wine like they get their coffee? Also, box of wine is so overrated.

Because shouldn’t that special someone in your life get their wine like they get their coffee? Also, box of wine is so overrated.

6. Steering Wheel Workstation Tray

Because no gift says, "I found something that might help you catch up with work while you're stuck in traffic" like this. And I'm sure it's even worse if one receives during the office party.

Because no gift says, “I found something that might help you catch up with work while you’re stuck in traffic” like this. And I’m sure it’s even worse if one receives during the office party.

7. Moxie Girlz Poopsy Pets

These are dolls who have fantasy pets that leave magic poops. There's at least 6 of them and each pet has a unique poop. I'm not kidding about this.

These are dolls who have fantasy pets that leave magic poops. There’s at least 6 of them and each pet has a unique poop. I’m not kidding about this.

8. Potty Piano

Want to play foot piano when you're on the pot? Now you can. Even includes a songbook.

Want to play foot piano when you’re on the pot? Now you can. Even includes a songbook.

9. Headphone Earmuffs

These not only let you hear music but also keep your ears warm at the same time. As if using earbuds underneath my earmuffs wasn't a problem for me already.

These not only let you hear music but also keep your ears warm at the same time. As if using earbuds underneath my earmuffs wasn’t a problem for me already.

10. Dog Mustache

From Marie Claire: "Much like photographing infants decorated with fake leaves in flowerpots, the dog moustache is just plain cruel. But hey, this type of torture only costs $10 — those photos of babies in flowerpots are way pricier."

From Marie Claire: “Much like photographing infants decorated with fake leaves in flowerpots, the dog moustache is just plain cruel. But hey, this type of torture only costs $10 — those photos of babies in flowerpots are way pricier.”

11. Puppy Love Fragrance

From Marie Claire: "Want to make your friend feel totally worthless this holiday season? Buy her a bottle of perfume...for her dog." Costs $44. Seriously, dogs don't need this and don't want it either. A rawhide bone or squeaky toy is a much better choice.

From Marie Claire: “Want to make your friend feel totally worthless this holiday season? Buy her a bottle of perfume…for her dog.” Costs $44. Seriously, dogs don’t need this and don’t want it either. A rawhide bone or squeaky toy is a much better choice.

12. Butter Warmer

From Marie Claire: "Does your giftee need a break from watching paint dry? Now she can watch butter melt...a little faster this holiday season with help from this butter warmer."

From Marie Claire: “Does your giftee need a break from watching paint dry? Now she can watch butter melt…a little faster this holiday season with help from this butter warmer.”

13. Fish Bowl Bookends

From Marie Claire: "We're not rushing to call PETA about this one, but something about using fish bowls as bookends rubs us the wrong way." Yeah, like fish bowls shouldn't be used for bookends.

From Marie Claire: “We’re not rushing to call PETA about this one, but something about using fish bowls as bookends rubs us the wrong way.” Yeah, like fish bowls shouldn’t be used for bookends.

14. Maxi Pad Christmas Slippers

Because if they can be used to absorb menstrual blood, they should be great on your feet. Excuse me, but this is just in bad taste.

Because if they can be used to absorb menstrual blood, they should be great on your feet. Excuse me, but this is just in bad taste.

15. Mooning Butt Party Shorts

I understand this is a gag gift. But would anyone want to be caught dead wearing these? Or receiving them? I thought not.

I understand this is a gag gift. But would anyone want to be caught dead wearing these? Or receiving them? I think not.

16. Vinderalls

You guessed it, overalls for wine bottles. Even has a pocket for a special message. As if you can't just give the bottle with a special message already. This is stupid.

You guessed it, overalls for wine bottles. Even has a pocket for a special message. As if you can’t just give the bottle with a special message already. This is stupid.

17. Head in a Hole Ostrich Pillow

It's the kind of pillow that allows you to nap on your desk while on the job. Might be the kind of gift that says, "I hear you don't get enough sleep and are under a lot of stress."

It’s the kind of pillow that allows you to nap on your desk while on the job. Might be the kind of gift that says, “I hear you don’t get enough sleep and are under a lot of stress.”

18. Bacon Cologne

After all, who can't resist the smell of greased up meat? Might attract unwanted attention from animals.

After all, who can’t resist the smell of greased up meat? Might attract unwanted attention from animals.

19. Bacon Mints

For nothing says minty freshness like smelling like something you ate for breakfast. Honestly, nobody wants their breath to smell like bacon.

For nothing says minty freshness like smelling like something you ate for breakfast. Honestly, nobody wants their breath to smell like bacon.

20. Bathe and Brew Shower Coffee Maker and Soap Dispenser

Now you can get your morning shower and your coffee at the same time. By the way, it's actually not a real product.

Now you can get your morning shower and your coffee at the same time. By the way, it’s actually not a real product.

21. Face/Butt Towel

From Film Jackets: "This one will be particularly helpful for my dad. He often forgets which is the butt side and face side of a towel. My dad should love this, given that he is always paranoid by who used his towel and to whip what."

From Film Jackets: “This one will be particularly helpful for my dad. He often forgets which is the butt side and face side of a towel. My dad should love this, given that he is always paranoid by who used his towel and to whip what.”

22. Cobra Digital Dancing Cat Speaker

Sure a dancing cat speaker might be cute. But c'mon, would you really want a cat dancing to your favorite songs on your mp3 device? No.

Sure a dancing cat speaker might be cute. But c’mon, would you really want a cat dancing to your favorite songs on your mp3 device? No.

23. Choculator

It's a calculator that resembles a bar of chocolate. I'm sure this gift will spell disappointment for many.

It’s a calculator that resembles a bar of chocolate. I’m sure this gift will spell disappointment for many.

24. Facial Hair Removal for Ladies

The kind of gift that tells a woman that she might be sporting a mustache and should act accordingly. Guys, if you're planning on giving this to your girlfriend, expect to be dumped.

The kind of gift that tells a woman that she might be sporting a mustache and should act accordingly. Guys, if you’re planning on giving this to your girlfriend, expect to be dumped.

25. Mind Trainer Toilet Paper Roll

Because why be bored on the pot when you can use it to expand your mind? Seriously, I find this kind of sick.

Because why be bored on the pot when you can use it to expand your mind? Seriously, I find this kind of sick.

26. Cold, Cold, Heart 3D Ice Mold

The kind of gift that tells the recipient that their heart is as cold as ice. Best to give enemies who have no power over you or Donald Trump.

The kind of gift that tells the recipient that their heart is as cold as ice. Best to give enemies who have no power over you or Donald Trump.

27. Defrosty the Snowman Ice Cubes

From Neatorama: "They say Defrosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul. With a carrot nose and two eyes made out of coal. He used to call the kids to come laugh and play. Sadly, however, he melted away on some hot winter day. But don't be sad. Rumors are he will come back some day in a very useful way. Each Defrosty The Snowman Ice Cubes set comes with re-usable ice cubes shaped like lumps of coal and bright orange carrots. They are a wonderful way to commemorate your favorite melted snowman."

From Neatorama: “They say Defrosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul. With a carrot nose and two eyes made out of coal. He used to call the kids to come laugh and play. Sadly, however, he melted away on some hot winter day. But don’t be sad. Rumors are he will come back some day in a very useful way. Each Defrosty The Snowman Ice Cubes set comes with re-usable ice cubes shaped like lumps of coal and bright orange carrots. They are a wonderful way to commemorate your favorite melted snowman.”

28. Pong Head: The Inflatable Beer Pong Hat Game

The kind of gift that's received by the lowliest frat brother everyone makes fun of. Yes, this is a very dumb product, indeed.

The kind of gift that’s received by the lowliest frat brother everyone makes fun of. Wearer must have great balance and high tolerance for public humiliation. Yes, this is a very dumb product, indeed.

29. Fish Eye Wearable Fish Camera

Let a fish do the fishing for you and it's great on land, too. This is a actually prank gift that's making fun of the wildlife cameras they use on nature shows.

Let a fish do the fishing for you and it’s great on land, too. This is a actually prank gift that’s making fun of the wildlife cameras they use on nature shows.

30. Netflix and Chill Scented Candle

From Refinery29: "Just like certain potential partners, this candle has no chill."

From Refinery29: “Just like certain potential partners, this candle has no chill.” Not sure what this smells like.

31. Himalayan Salt Tequila Glasses

From Refinery29: "Shot glasses you can't wash? You shouldn't have!" Let's just say if you can't wash glasses, they're not worth it.

From Refinery29: “Shot glasses you can’t wash? You shouldn’t have!” Let’s just say if you can’t wash glasses, they’re not worth it.

32. Animal Weighing Scale

The gift that not only tells someone they're fat but also compares them to a barn animal. Talk about adding insult to injuring.

The gift that not only tells someone they’re fat but also compares them to a barn animal. Talk about adding insult to injuring.

33. Lyfe Tea Bags

From Refinery29: "The only thing the gift of Lyfe Tea says is that you follow too many D-list celebrities on Instagram." Also costs $55.95 as in "overpriced."

From Refinery29: “The only thing the gift of Lyfe Tea says is that you follow too many D-list celebrities on Instagram.” Also costs $55.95 as in “overpriced.”

34. Donald Trump Butter Stamp

From Refinery29: "Not sure what's more offensive: Donald Trump himself or that someone thought this looked remotely like Donald Trump." As if there was a way to make your butter more offensive.

From Refinery29: “Not sure what’s more offensive: Donald Trump himself or that someone thought this looked remotely like Donald Trump.” How about having him as president?

35. Jewelry In A Bottle

From Refinery29: "Which is worse? To have tangled necklaces or to keep this thing on your dresser?" Costs $58, by the way.

From Refinery29: “Which is worse? To have tangled necklaces or to keep this thing on your dresser?” Costs $58, by the way.

36. Sloth Sleep Mask

From Refinery29: "Look, just because a lady loves a good nap, does not make her the world's laziest mammal who only comes out of her tree to pee." Or eat if you put it accurately.

From Refinery29: “Look, just because a lady loves a good nap, does not make her the world’s laziest mammal who only comes out of her tree to pee.” Or eat if you put it accurately.

37. The Shark Bait Sleeping Bag

From Refinery29: "Tell the tot in your life that he's as precious as a bucket of chum." Then again, the kid does seem happy with his shark sleeping bag. But it's pretty disturbing.

From Refinery29: “Tell the tot in your life that he’s as precious as a bucket of chum.” Then again, the kid does seem happy with his shark sleeping bag. But it’s pretty disturbing.

38. Siamese Cat Leggings

From Refinery29: "Nope. We can already spot the cutesy little jokes you're going to make when you hand this over, and just no. Shut it down. "

From Refinery29: “Nope. We can already spot the cutesy little jokes you’re going to make when you hand this over, and just no. Shut it down. “

39. A Girl’s Guide to Dating a Geek by Omi M. Inouye

From Refinery29: "Ugh. Is this going to be one of those sexist books that assume we don't sleep with our plush Daleks every night, and have strong opinions about the de-canonization of the Star Wars Expanded Universe?"

From Refinery29: “Ugh. Is this going to be one of those sexist books that assume we don’t sleep with our plush Daleks every night, and have strong opinions about the de-canonization of the Star Wars Expanded Universe?”

40. World’s Okayest Sister T-Shirt

From Refinery29: "So what if she takes three days to answer your texts and never pays you back for brunch? Holidays are a time when families come together and we all pretend we love each other."

From Refinery29: “So what if she takes three days to answer your texts and never pays you back for brunch? Holidays are a time when families come together and we all pretend we love each other.”

41. The Obsessive Chef Cutting Board

From Refinery29: "I told you to medium chop the onions and dice the shallots, YOU IDIOT. " Talk about a gift for the obsessive chef.

From Refinery29: “I told you to medium chop the onions and dice the shallots, YOU IDIOT. ” Talk about a gift for the obsessive chef.

42. YolkFish Egg Separator

From Refinery29: "Know what we hate worse than egg-white omelets? Watching a gaping-mawed Goldeen slurp up the yolks and barf them out into a separate bowl."

From Refinery29: “Know what we hate worse than egg-white omelets? Watching a gaping-mawed Goldeen slurp up the yolks and barf them out into a separate bowl.”

43. Hand Massager

From Refinery29: "Ladies have always known The Sharper Image was a great source for on-the-low "neck massagers." Now, it's guys' turns, with this gently undulating plastic mitten." Costs $129.

From Refinery29: “Ladies have always known The Sharper Image was a great source for on-the-low “neck massagers.” Now, it’s guys’ turns, with this gently undulating plastic mitten.” Costs $129.

44. Chewbacca Ladies’ Robe

From Refinery29: "This year, give the gift that says she's tall, kinda hairy, and it's not wise to upset her." Great to go with a Chewbacca mask though.

From Refinery29: “This year, give the gift that says she’s tall, kinda hairy, and it’s not wise to upset her.” Great to go with a Chewbacca mask though.

45. Sexy Santa Lingerie

From Refinery29: "'You remind me of Santa Claus. In a good way.' The question is, what’s more insulting – the fact someone is likening you to Father Christmas, or the fact they finds the resemblance attractive?"

What it says from Refinery29: “‘You remind me of Santa Claus. In a good way.’ The question is, what’s more insulting – the fact someone is likening you to Father Christmas, or the fact they finds the resemblance attractive?”

46. Dr. Phil Painting

What it says according to Refinery29: "'I give you the gift of eternal daytime TV-tinged nightmares.' (Subtext: 'Because I hate you.')"

What it says according to Refinery29: “‘I give you the gift of eternal daytime TV-tinged nightmares.’ (Subtext: ‘Because I hate you.’)”

47. Bloodbath Shower Curtain

As Refinery29 put it, it says: “I really think we need to get the Bates Motel vibe going on in the bathroom — then we can relive the Psycho shower scene as part of our morning routine!"

As Refinery29 put it, it says: “I really think we need to get the Bates Motel vibe going on in the bathroom — then we can relive the Psycho shower scene as part of our morning routine!”

48. “Merry Christmas from Heaven” Ornament

From Refinery29: "If someone you know has recently been rocked by the death of a dearly loved one, probably the best thing you can do is gift them with a reminder of their tragic loss. One that dangles darkly from their Christmas tree, inscribed with a poem that's a heart-jabbing combination of sadness and schmaltz. What better way to cast a bitterly painful pall over the holiday season?"

From Refinery29: “If someone you know has recently been rocked by the death of a dearly loved one, probably the best thing you can do is gift them with a reminder of their tragic loss. One that dangles darkly from their Christmas tree, inscribed with a poem that’s a heart-jabbing combination of sadness and schmaltz. What better way to cast a bitterly painful pall over the holiday season?”

49. La Newborn Anatomically Correct Real Boy Vinyl Doll

From Refinery29: "This anatomically correct grandpa-baby is the stuff toddler nightmares are made of. Ed Asner, is that you?"

From Refinery29: “This anatomically correct grandpa-baby is the stuff toddler nightmares are made of. Ed Asner, is that you?”

50. Tria Hair Removal Laser 4X Deluxe Kit

From Refinery29: "We love the Tria, but remember what we said about products that are best purchased for oneself? Giving this for the holidays is a heartwarming way to let your loved one know you've noticed their unsightly upper-lip problem — and it looks like it can only be solved by lasers."

From Refinery29: “We love the Tria, but remember what we said about products that are best purchased for oneself? Giving this for the holidays is a heartwarming way to let your loved one know you’ve noticed their unsightly upper-lip problem — and it looks like it can only be solved by lasers.”

51. I Love You More Blanket

From Refinery29: "Finally, a festive throw full of stalker-y sentiments to curl up under while your bunny boils gently on the stove top." Available at Sky Mall for $69.95.

From Refinery29: “Finally, a festive throw full of stalker-y sentiments to curl up under while your bunny boils gently on the stove top.” Available at Sky Mall for $69.95.

52. Potato Express Potato Baking Bag

From Refinery29: "Not that there's anything wrong with a cheery, pepper-red spud sack that promises to create a 'unique steam packet' and delivers 'perfect potatoes in four minutes.' And holds up to four potatoes. And softens day-old bread, too. It's just the type of gift that says to your recipient, 'You look like you'd like to gorge on four potatoes and stale bread — AND QUICK.'"

From Refinery29: “Not that there’s anything wrong with a cheery, pepper-red spud sack that promises to create a ‘unique steam packet’ and delivers ‘perfect potatoes in four minutes.’ And holds up to four potatoes. And softens day-old bread, too. It’s just the type of gift that says to your recipient, ‘You look like you’d like to gorge on four potatoes and stale bread — AND QUICK.'”

53. Ultrasonic Hand Moisturizer

From Refinery29: "Hey, giftee! Your cuticles look drier than the Sahara. Here, feed your hands to this monster with dyspepsia."

From Refinery29: “Hey, giftee! Your cuticles look drier than the Sahara. Here, feed your hands to this monster with dyspepsia.”

54. Working After Retirement For Dummies

From Refinery29: "Nothing like the one-two punch of a gift that simultaneously says, “You’re probably a financial dunce,” and “Don’t count on that 401k, kiddo.” We'd be really, really worried if we got this from our boss."

From Refinery29: “Nothing like the one-two punch of a gift that simultaneously says, “You’re probably a financial dunce,” and “Don’t count on that 401k, kiddo.” We’d be really, really worried if we got this from our boss.”

55. Kush Support Breast Separator

From Cracked: "Luckily, one plucky mammary researcher is fighting the impending boobocalypse with the Kush Support Breast Separator, a piece of in-no-way-phallic plastic that can be stuck between the breasts to prevent undue contact." Seriously, a breast separator? Does any woman need that? Thought so.

From Cracked: “Luckily, one plucky mammary researcher is fighting the impending boobocalypse with the Kush Support Breast Separator, a piece of in-no-way-phallic plastic that can be stuck between the breasts to prevent undue contact.” Seriously, a breast separator? Does any woman need that? Thought so.

56. Nose Pencil Sharpener

Now you can sharpen a pencil through the nostril. Guaranteed to freak out people you work or go to school with.

Now you can sharpen a pencil through the nostril. Guaranteed to freak out people you work or go to school with.

57. Only Fools and Horses Sheepskin Robe

From Telegraph: "This isn't a sheepskin coat, though that would probably be bad enough. No, this is a dressing gown that looks a little bit like a sheepskin coat. On the plus side, that does mean you won't be tempted to leave the house in it."

From Telegraph: “This isn’t a sheepskin coat, though that would probably be bad enough. No, this is a dressing gown that looks a little bit like a sheepskin coat. On the plus side, that does mean you won’t be tempted to leave the house in it.”

58. Universal Crocs Mobile Case

From the Telegraph: "Painfully, years after they first became so widely-worn, they’re still going strong. However, if you know someone who willingly wears these on their feet, there should be no reason why they’ll not happily use this to carry their phone around."

From the Telegraph: “Painfully, years after they first became so widely-worn, they’re still going strong. However, if you know someone who willingly wears these on their feet, there should be no reason why they’ll not happily use this to carry their phone around.”

59. Voodoo Doll Toothpick Holder

Great for storing toothpicks and wishing ill on your enemies. Goes great with Voodoo doll pincushion.

Great for storing toothpicks and wishing ill on your enemies. Goes great with Voodoo doll pincushion.

60. Quotations from Chairman Trump

From Film Jacket: "You can gift it to any Republican fan, and he will love it until he starts reading it. After that, I can’t guarantee anything. This is the newest rendition of “The Little Red Book” by Chairman Mao and is being termed as “The Little Bad Book” by D.J Trump."

From Film Jacket: “You can gift it to any Republican fan, and he will love it until he starts reading it. After that, I can’t guarantee anything. This is the newest rendition of “The Little Red Book” by Chairman Mao and is being termed as “The Little Bad Book” by D.J Trump.”

61. Polluted Glass

From Neatorama: "If you like drinks that are so strong that they're practically poison, this is the glass for you: Polluted Glass, shaped like a 'lil 55-gallon drum used by Evil Big Corp to dump their toxic waste."

From Neatorama: “If you like drinks that are so strong that they’re practically poison, this is the glass for you: Polluted Glass, shaped like a ‘lil 55-gallon drum used by Evil Big Corp to dump their toxic waste.”

62. Santa Willy Wear

Because his Santa Claus only comes out once a year. Seriously, a dick Santa hat?

Because his Santa Claus only comes out once a year. Seriously, a dick Santa hat?

63. Snake Oil Soap

From Neatoshop: "Let the oil of the cobra cleanse you! The Snake Oil Soap contains real cobra oil and can help clean your skin like a magical elixir which secret is passed down from generations to generations of handwashers. Would we lie to you? ;)" Sorry, but this is probably just either regular soap or soap that has no benefits.

From Neatoshop: “Let the oil of the cobra cleanse you! The Snake Oil Soap contains real cobra oil and can help clean your skin like a magical elixir which secret is passed down from generations to generations of handwashers. Would we lie to you? ;)” Sorry, but this is probably just either regular soap or soap that has no benefits.

64. Switchblade Folding Pocket Comb

From Neatorama: "Do you secretly wish you were a rebel with perfectly slicked back hair? Recapture the wild youth you never had with the Switchblade Folding Pocket Comb from the NeatoShop! Pretending to be a delinquent has never been so fun!"

From Neatorama: “Do you secretly wish you were a rebel with perfectly slicked back hair? Recapture the wild youth you never had with the Switchblade Folding Pocket Comb from the NeatoShop! Pretending to be a delinquent has never been so fun!”

65. The Moon Ring

From Film Jacket: "And behold the gift I have chosen to give to my old man. Just to make him admit that there are not only bad but worst Christmas gifts too. Despite what the name suggests it is not a ring, it just farts as soon as you open it. Making you feel embarrassed in front of the whole family. I have this moon ring all packed very decorously, and I will present it to him as humbly I can. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he opens it."

From Film Jacket: “And behold the gift I have chosen to give to my old man. Just to make him admit that there are not only bad but worst Christmas gifts too. Despite what the name suggests it is not a ring, it just farts as soon as you open it. Making you feel embarrassed in front of the whole family. I have this moon ring all packed very decorously, and I will present it to him as humbly I can. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he opens it.”

66. Traxedo

From Divine Secrets of A Domestic Diva: "Do you have a guy in your life that never wants to sacrifice comfort for fashion? Does he prefer sweats to suits and you just want to see him get a little dressier from time to time? Well, wait no longer because compromise has never been more comfortable with the Traxedo! That’s right, the Traxedo is the offspring of combining the dressy look of a tux and the comfort of a track suit! Available in powder blue, red, black, green and orange!"

From Divine Secrets of A Domestic Diva: “Do you have a guy in your life that never wants to sacrifice comfort for fashion? Does he prefer sweats to suits and you just want to see him get a little dressier from time to time? Well, wait no longer because compromise has never been more comfortable with the Traxedo! That’s right, the Traxedo is the offspring of combining the dressy look of a tux and the comfort of a track suit! Available in powder blue, red, black, green and orange!”

67. Turbospoke Bicycle Exhaust System

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: "Turn your man’s regular bike into something that looks and sounds like a real motorcycle! The set includes 3 Turbospoke Motocards, acoustic Exhaust Pipe, 15 custom Turbospoke decals, universal fitting clamp and tools. Fits 95% of bikes with wheels over 16″ and is perfect for any guy who’s a kid at heart!"

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Turn your man’s regular bike into something that looks and sounds like a real motorcycle! The set includes 3 Turbospoke Motocards, acoustic Exhaust Pipe, 15 custom Turbospoke decals, universal fitting clamp and tools. Fits 95% of bikes with wheels over 16″ and is perfect for any guy who’s a kid at heart!”

68. Universal Remote Control Pillow

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: " Do you know a guy who is always losing the remote? With this giant universal remote that doubles as a pillow, he’ll have a hard time misplacing it when it’s under his head!"

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: ” Do you know a guy who is always losing the remote? With this giant universal remote that doubles as a pillow, he’ll have a hard time misplacing it when it’s under his head!”

69. Washing Machine Exercise Bike

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: " I can’t imagine the bravery it would take to present a woman, your mother or the mother of your children no less, this exercise bike that doubles as a washing machine. Personally, the only thing I loathe more than exercising is doing the laundry. Approach this gift idea with extreme caution."

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: ” I can’t imagine the bravery it would take to present a woman, your mother or the mother of your children no less, this exercise bike that doubles as a washing machine. Personally, the only thing I loathe more than exercising is doing the laundry. Approach this gift idea with extreme caution.”

70. Therassage Portal Infared Sauna

From Slap Dash Mom: "Wow! Save $55.00! It’s ONLY $545.00! I don’t know how I will ever contain myself." Seriously, that makes someone look like a walking tent.

From Slap Dash Mom: “Wow! Save $55.00! It’s ONLY $545.00! I don’t know how I will ever contain myself.” Seriously, that makes someone look like a walking tent.

71. Cat Butt Magnet Set

From Slap Dash Mom: "For $9.69 you can give someone butts. Sweet! So maybe, just maybe, if you know someone with a really messed up and twisted sense of humor (like myself), this could be considered a good gift. I think it’s one I’d like to give to someone that really hates cats. Double Whammy!"

From Slap Dash Mom: “For $9.69 you can give someone butts. Sweet! So maybe, just maybe, if you know someone with a really messed up and twisted sense of humor (like myself), this could be considered a good gift. I think it’s one I’d like to give to someone that really hates cats. Double Whammy!”

72. Last Suppers: Famous Final Meals from Death Row by Ty Treadwell and Michelle Vernon

Because there's nothing that brings in the spirit of the holidays like reading about what death row inmates ate just before their execution. That's disturbing.

Because there’s nothing that brings in the spirit of the holidays like reading about what death row inmates ate just before their execution. That’s disturbing.

73. Lawsuit: The Game

Now the process of civil litigation can be fun for the whole family. What more can you want?

Now the process of civil litigation can be fun for the whole family. What more can you want?

74. Shapewear for Men

Because why should only women receive gifts that insult their bodies? Also, resembles some tight S&M get up.

Because why should only women receive gifts that insult their bodies? Also, resembles some tight S&M get up.

75. Horse Lamp

The kind of Christmas gift that would make one at a loss for words. Mostly because they couldn't say how tacky it is.

The kind of Christmas gift that would make one at a loss for words. Mostly because they couldn’t say how tacky it is.

76. Men’s Rainbow Dash Boxer Shorts

It's the kind of gift that says, "I knew you liked My Little Pony but wanted to say it in the most embarrassing way possible." Yeah, I don't think any guy would want these.

It’s the kind of gift that says, “I knew you liked My Little Pony but wanted to say it in the most embarrassing way possible.” Yeah, I don’t think any guy would want these.

77. Sushi Cologne Spray

Because there's nothing that smells so sweet like raw fish. Okay, not all sushi has raw fish or even fish, but you know what I mean. Available for women.

Because there’s nothing that smells so sweet like raw fish. Okay, not all sushi has raw fish or even fish, but you know what I mean. Available for women.

78. Titanic Commemorative Heart Necklace

Yes, I know it's from the movie and it's a cheap imitation of Rose's necklace. But still, tie-in jewelry that commemorates a major disaster that killed over 1,500 people isn't romantic. It's disturbing.

Yes, I know it’s from the movie and it’s a cheap imitation of Rose’s necklace. But still, jewelry that commemorates the 100th anniversary a major disaster that killed over 1,500 people isn’t romantic. It’s extremely insensitive.

79. Armadillo Beverage Holder

From Huffington Post: "It's a struggle to come up with a practical use for this. Unless you have some really kleptomaniacal dinner guests, we're not sure why you need an armadillo to protect your beer."

From Huffington Post: “It’s a struggle to come up with a practical use for this. Unless you have some really kleptomaniacal dinner guests, we’re not sure why you need an armadillo to protect your beer.”

80. Beard Beer Can Koozie

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: "I don’t even know what to say about this 1st place winner of the 2012 PBR Craft Show, so I’ll just tell you what amazon says…Give your favorite brew a manly mane of (facial?) hair with the Beard Koozie. Made from crafting fur that’s mounted to a stretchy band for maximum beer container compatibility, they feature a “mouth” opening to let a portion of the label shine through, and will instantly make you the coolest drunk at the party. I’m not sure there’s ever going to be a burlier – or funnier – way to drink a beer."

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “I don’t even know what to say about this 1st place winner of the 2012 PBR Craft Show, so I’ll just tell you what amazon says…Give your favorite brew a manly mane of (facial?) hair with the Beard Koozie. Made from crafting fur that’s mounted to a stretchy band for maximum beer container compatibility, they feature a “mouth” opening to let a portion of the label shine through, and will instantly make you the coolest drunk at the party. I’m not sure there’s ever going to be a burlier – or funnier – way to drink a beer.”

81. Remote Control Holder Headband

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: "Do you know someone who is always losing their remotes? Do they seem to just get up and walk away? Well, I’d love to see them try while they were stuck to their head! Never lose another remote! What a practical gift! Unfortunately, this is another DIY, and is not yet available in stores."

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Do you know someone who is always losing their remotes? Do they seem to just get up and walk away? Well, I’d love to see them try while they were stuck to their head! Never lose another remote! What a practical gift! Unfortunately, this is another DIY, and is not yet available in stores.”

82. Men’s Odor Eliminating Underwear

It's the kind of gift for him that says he smells at his crotch region even after taking a shower. Yes, not going to go well.

It’s the kind of gift for him that says he smells at his crotch region even after taking a shower. Yes, not going to go well.

83. Spray the Bitch Away Aromatherapy Spray

From Store Envy: "Spray the Bitch Away--- An aromatherapy spray/ perfume for when you're irritated, pissed off, annoyed, tired, peeved, frustrated, enraged, or have an overall bad attitude!" A good way to remind your friend about their temper.

From Store Envy: “Spray the Bitch Away— An aromatherapy spray/ perfume for when you’re irritated, pissed off, annoyed, tired, peeved, frustrated, enraged, or have an overall bad attitude!” A good way to remind your friend about their temper and piss them off.

84. Double Kitchen Canisters

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: "Let’s call a spade a spade on this one. This is entrapment. Who hasn’t had a morning where you want to sleep in and tell your toddler to go make breakfast themselves? With this automated cereal dispenser, you can pretend you toddler is a cat and they can eat what they can dispense while you sleep in."

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Let’s call a spade a spade on this one. This is entrapment. Who hasn’t had a morning where you want to sleep in and tell your toddler to go make breakfast themselves? With this automated cereal dispenser, you can pretend you toddler is a cat and they can eat what they can dispense while you sleep in.”

85. Pet Petter

Because why show your pet affection when there's a contraption that can do it for you? With this you can never touch your pets again. Okay, this is a joke.

Because why show your pet affection when there’s a contraption that can do it for you? With this you can never touch your pets again. Okay, this is a joke.

86. Musti Baby Perfume

Because your little one is never too young to stink like someone from France. Seriously, baby perfume? Why?

Because your little one is never too young to stink like someone from France. Seriously, baby perfume? Why?

87. Spyder III Laser

From NBC News: "Wicked Laser's Spyder III is quite simply the most powerful handheld laser that you can legally own. In fact, when it was released earlier this year, references describing it as a "lightsaber" were enough to catch the attention of George Lucas' legal team. That having been said, its 1,000 mW blue laser output is powerful enough to burn holes in plastic, flesh, eyeballs, etc. — and this brings me to my point. Nothing good can come from owning one. The only real function of the Spyder III, it seems, is to draw the attention of the police should you ever point it at someone else or at any aircraft that happens to be flying overhead."

From NBC News: “Wicked Laser’s Spyder III is quite simply the most powerful handheld laser that you can legally own. In fact, when it was released earlier this year, references describing it as a “lightsaber” were enough to catch the attention of George Lucas’ legal team. That having been said, its 1,000 mW blue laser output is powerful enough to burn holes in plastic, flesh, eyeballs, etc. — and this brings me to my point. Nothing good can come from owning one. The only real function of the Spyder III, it seems, is to draw the attention of the police should you ever point it at someone else or at any aircraft that happens to be flying overhead.” Costs $300.

88. Razor Blade Soap

From NBC News: "Soaps, lotions and oils are old standby gifts during the holidays, but this soap helps you clean those hard to reach areas … like the ones underneath your skin. Yes indeed, that's a real razor blade in there — and the glycerin in the soap will oxidize the metal over time. So how about a simultaneous shower and a shave with a rusty metal blade? Let's just hope that it comes with a tetanus-fresh scent."

From NBC News: “Soaps, lotions and oils are old standby gifts during the holidays, but this soap helps you clean those hard to reach areas … like the ones underneath your skin. Yes indeed, that’s a real razor blade in there — and the glycerin in the soap will oxidize the metal over time. So how about a simultaneous shower and a shave with a rusty metal blade? Let’s just hope that it comes with a tetanus-fresh scent.”

89. Coyote Urine

From Dave Barry: "If you’re looking to give a unique gift that will definitely “make an impression,” consider coyote urine. It comes in a convenient bottle, and it has countless uses. For example, you can sprinkle some on the ground around your house or garden, and small pests, thinking that a coyote has recently urinated there, will avoid the area. On the other hand, the urine might actually attract coyotes, not to mention larger animals such as wolves and bears that are interested in eating coyotes. So you could wind up having a very exciting yard. And that’s only one of the uses of coyote urine. We frankly don’t know what the other ones are. Maybe if you got called in by the IRS for an audit, you could sprinkle it on your tax records, and maybe that would scare off the auditor. There is only one way to find out. We don’t know how they collect the urine from the coyotes. But that could explain why they’re always howling."

From Dave Barry: “If you’re looking to give a unique gift that will definitely “make an impression,” consider coyote urine. It comes in a convenient bottle, and it has countless uses. For example, you can sprinkle some on the ground around your house or garden, and small pests, thinking that a coyote has recently urinated there, will avoid the area. On the other hand, the urine might actually attract coyotes, not to mention larger animals such as wolves and bears that are interested in eating coyotes. So you could wind up having a very exciting yard. And that’s only one of the uses of coyote urine. We frankly don’t know what the other ones are. Maybe if you got called in by the IRS for an audit, you could sprinkle it on your tax records, and maybe that would scare off the auditor. There is only one way to find out.”

90. Black Toilet Paper

From Dave Barry: "Why would you give somebody black toilet paper? To answer that question, let’s quote the Amazon Product Description: 'Black toilet paper will make a statement in any bathroom.' Ask yourself: Do you know anybody who would NOT want to make a statement in the bathroom? Neither do we! That’s why we think you should give black toilet paper to everybody on your holiday list. It’s that very special kind of gift that makes everyone say, 'I can’t tell whether this has been used.'"

From Dave Barry: “Why would you give somebody black toilet paper? To answer that question, let’s quote the Amazon Product Description: ‘Black toilet paper will make a statement in any bathroom.’ Ask yourself: Do you know anybody who would NOT want to make a statement in the bathroom? Neither do we! That’s why we think you should give black toilet paper to everybody on your holiday list. It’s that very special kind of gift that makes everyone say, ‘I can’t tell whether this has been used.'”

91. Facelift Bra

From Dave Barry: "This product — another scientific beauty advance from Japan — is a brassiere that you wear on your head. If we understand it correctly, it pulls your cheeks sideways, thereby eliminating those lines on the side of your nose and mouth that make you look like the old witch who gave the apple to Snow White. Of course, it seems to us that when you take the face bra off, the lines would come right back. But what do we know? We’re just a gift guide. And that’s why we recommend this product as the perfect way to send the festive holiday message: 'You’re looking old.'"

From Dave Barry: “This product — another scientific beauty advance from Japan — is a brassiere that you wear on your head. If we understand it correctly, it pulls your cheeks sideways, thereby eliminating those lines on the side of your nose and mouth that make you look like the old witch who gave the apple to Snow White. Of course, it seems to us that when you take the face bra off, the lines would come right back. But what do we know? We’re just a gift guide. And that’s why we recommend this product as the perfect way to send the festive holiday message: ‘You’re looking old.'”

92. Vac Ride

It's the combination of a vacuum cleaner and a riding mower. Only you use it to clean your floor. Still, God I hate vacuums.

It’s the combination of a vacuum cleaner and a riding mower. Only you use it to clean your floor. Still, God I hate vacuums.

93. Gravity Defying Boob Glue Instant Breast Lift in a Bottle

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: "One time I was a guest on the Dr. Oz Show, and I told a joke about how long and lean were adjectives that once described my legs, but now it more aptly describes my breasts (true story, you can see me in the clip here starting around 1 minute in). Anyway, there’s not much I can do at this point other than roll them up like sardines and stuff them into my bra because plastic surgery isn’t an option. But now there’s a solution – and it’s less than $30! Introducing Bosom Gravity Defying Boob Glue! Now instead of stuffing them into place, only to have them fall flat moments later, I’d be able to glue those bad boys into place! As one of the reviewers said, “This is my new breast friend!” I’m going to ask for four bottles to start with because I’ve got a lot of gravity defying to do."

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “One time I was a guest on the Dr. Oz Show, and I told a joke about how long and lean were adjectives that once described my legs, but now it more aptly describes my breasts (true story, you can see me in the clip here starting around 1 minute in). Anyway, there’s not much I can do at this point other than roll them up like sardines and stuff them into my bra because plastic surgery isn’t an option. But now there’s a solution – and it’s less than $30! Introducing Bosom Gravity Defying Boob Glue! Now instead of stuffing them into place, only to have them fall flat moments later, I’d be able to glue those bad boys into place! As one of the reviewers said, “This is my new breast friend!” I’m going to ask for four bottles to start with because I’ve got a lot of gravity defying to do.”

94. Homemade Gin Kit

Now you can make that liver destroying alcoholic stuff without the bathtub. Seriously, gin is one of the worst things for you.

Now you can make that liver destroying alcoholic stuff without the bathtub. Seriously, gin is one of the worst things for you.

95. Reversible Disco Hoodie

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: "Who doesn’t love a nice hoodie? If you want to give something a little snazzier than the same old gear, go for this reversible Disco deal! If you really want to jazz it up check out the matching vest, shorts and bikini top. Look out – the Holidays just got HAWT!"

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Who doesn’t love a nice hoodie? If you want to give something a little snazzier than the same old gear, go for this reversible Disco deal! If you really want to jazz it up check out the matching vest, shorts and bikini top. Look out – the Holidays just got HAWT!”

96. Bacon Soda

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: "No, not baking soda, Bacon Soda. Now I love bacon as much as the next girl, maybe a little more even, but there are some things I don’t want my bacon in – like perfume/cologne, coffee, wine and soda. However, if you want to give the gift that keeps on giving, check out their bacon of the month club!"

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “No, not baking soda, Bacon Soda. Now I love bacon as much as the next girl, maybe a little more even, but there are some things I don’t want my bacon in – like perfume/cologne, coffee, wine and soda. However, if you want to give the gift that keeps on giving, check out their bacon of the month club!”

97. Bacon Scented Sizzl Dyer Sheets

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These are bacon scented dryer sheets and includes a wall dispenser to give you a breakfast fresh scent. Okay, it’s a prank box. But just because you love the smell of bacon doesn’t mean you’d love it on your clothes.

98. Tattoo Sleeves

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: "Does your man’s corporate day job leave you fantasizing about a tougher tatted man? Problem solved with the tattoo sleeves! Your man can sport his suit by day and these sexy tattoo sleeves by night,or maybe your Grandpa has always wanted to go a little wild. Really, who wouldn’t love this gift- and all for less than $20 (while the sale lasts!)"

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Does your man’s corporate day job leave you fantasizing about a tougher tatted man? Problem solved with the tattoo sleeves! Your man can sport his suit by day and these sexy tattoo sleeves by night,or maybe your Grandpa has always wanted to go a little wild. Really, who wouldn’t love this gift- and all for less than $20 (while the sale lasts!)”

99. Diva Cup

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: "That yodeling pickle got me thinking about going “green,” so this next item shows your recipient that you love the environment just as much as you love them. And really, what doesn’t say love like a reusable cup you use during your period? I’d write more but I don’t want to spoil the details."

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “That yodeling pickle got me thinking about going “green,” so this next item shows your recipient that you love the environment just as much as you love them. And really, what doesn’t say love like a reusable cup you use during your period? I’d write more but I don’t want to spoil the details.”

100. White Stretch Bikini Jeans

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: "These white bikini jeans would be a hit at the office party…talk about casual Fridays! Hot! Just do not pair with the Hot Pink Pubic Hair Dye. I’m sure it would show through and that would just be tacky."

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “These white bikini jeans would be a hit at the office party…talk about casual Fridays! Hot! Just do not pair with the Hot Pink Pubic Hair Dye. I’m sure it would show through and that would just be tacky.”

Valentine’s Day Gifts That Really Kill the Romance

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For some couples, it’s not unusual to buy gifts for each other to express their mutual love. As for a perpetually single woman like me, I usually receive gifts of candy from my parents. Nevertheless, unless it pertains to expensive jewelry, most Valentine’s Day gifts shouldn’t be too expensive. For women, candy, roses, and a possible stuff toy will do. Jewelry is fine,too. For men, well, candy and whatever they like because Valentine’s Day isn’t the best holiday for guy gifts. Now I can talk about the best Valentine’s gifts to give your significant other all I want. But I know that you would find it boring that you’d avoid me like the plague. So instead, I’ll show you a treasure trove of possible Valentine’s Day gifts you want to avoid. Some of these are rather inappropriate. Some are just tacky beyond belief. Some are sexist. And some will more than ensure a Valentine’s Day breakup. And Valentine’s Day is the worst day for breaking up isn’t it? So for your reading pleasure, here are some stuff you want to avoid giving your sweetheart this Valentine’s Day. Some of these aren’t safe for work by the way.

  1. Deluxe Comfort Girlfriend Body Pillow
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Because there’s no gift on Valentine’s Day that says “I love you, but I’m not big on giving you affection.” That or “if your’re starved for hugs, don’t come to me.”

2. Deluxe Comfort Boyfriend Body Pillow

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It’s the kind of Valentine’s Day gift you’d expect Spock to give Uhura in the Star Trek movies. You know to show that he cares.

3. Luxury Plush Body Wrap/Blanket

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Things are sure to heat up on Valnentine’s Day wen your girlfriend puts on a dress made out of a sleeping back. C’mon, look at that sexy lady. She looks totally hot in this sexy uh, thing.

4. Control a Woman Remote Control

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Okay, I know this is supposed to be a gag gift. But it’s just so wrong on so many levels. For one, it’s incredibly sexist toward women. Second, it doesn’t work. Trust me.

5. Romantic Sweetheart Mini Garden Planter

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Well, “romantic sweetheart” for those who are members of the Munsters or the Addams Family. Still, this is incredibly creepy.

6. The Sweat-heart Sweet-shirt

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From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “It’s a sweatshirt built for two! So whether you want to take a walk in the park, go tailgating at a football game, or just to snuggle on the couch, the Sweat-Heart Sweet-Shirt will make sure your honey can’t escape.” Okay, that’s a little too close for comfort. Love that guy’s face though.

7. Smittens

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From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Smittens are perfect for the couple who loves to hold hands, but want to have their skin touching (and probably sweating) as long as they are bound together by fabric. ” I think I’ll pass on this one.

8. Cigarette Holder for Two

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Because why should it just be one of you who comes down with lung cancer? With this you can fill your lungs with tar together. And look ridiculous doing it.

9. His and Her Furniture

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Not recommended for couples with children. Or couples who entertain a lot. Or couples who have elderly parents living with them. Or anyone who doesn’t have their home decorated like a strip club.

10. His and Her Bikini Jeans

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Okay, some people might like denim and bikinis as much as the next person. However, this doesn’t mean the two things should be combined into one product. This just guarantees you to look stupid together.

11. Trouser Expander

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Because nothing says “I love you” on Valentine’s Day than making your boyfriend feel inadequate about his penis size. Ladies, you might want to avoid giving your man this. Seriously, don’t do it.

12. Oyster in a Can Pearl Necklace

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I’ve heard of homemade necklaces but this is outrageous. Seriously, guys, as far as homemade necklaces are concerned, give your girlfriend a plastic pearl one instead.

13. Brief Jerky Edible Meat Underwear

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Personally, I don’t like the idea of edible underwear at all. However, these sure give a new meaning for the word, “man meat.” Seems more like a gift to give for the beef jerky in your life.

14. Cork Pants

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Yes, these are homemade and this guy is a very brave man to pose for them. Nevertheless, just because you can craft something doesn’t mean you should. And these prove it.

15. Anti-Wrinkle Bra

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Yes, it’s a bra that’s supposed to keep your cleavage smooth and attractive as well as fight vertical boob wrinkles. Still, don’t buy a woman this ever, unless you’re looking for a break up.

16. Hug Me Jacket

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That’s a cute name for something that seems to appear from straight out of your darkest nightmares. When I look at this, I don’t think of hugs. I think of horror.

17. Love Life Calendar

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This calendar allows you to record exactly how you feel about the state of your relationship every single day. Not sure if that’s a Valentine’s Day worthy gift.

18. Pizza Hut Proposal

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When it comes to proposal dinners, this probably falls along the lines of what not to do. Unless she really likes Pizza Hut, you might want to stick to a fancy restaurant or cook the dinner yourself.

19. Elephant Poop Paper Roses

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Because there is nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than presenting your sweetheart paper roses made of what came out of an elephant’s ass. Sure they may be eco-friendly, but that doesn’t mean you should buy them for your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day.

20. His and Her Tongue Scrapers

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The Valentine’s gift that says, “I love you but your oral hygiene stinks.” Still, are tongue scrapers really necessary? Because for cleaning tongue, I usually use a toothbrush. It’s cheaper.

21. Fundies

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I know in relationships you and your partner share a lot of things like a life together. However, underwear shouldn’t be one of them.

22. Chocolate Covered Scale

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The kind of Valentine’s gift that says, “Heard you like chocolate and you’re fat.” The kind of gift given by some unrepentent jerk who wants to entice and ruin his girlfriend’s self-esteem at the same time.

23. Hooters Valentine’s Day Dinner Surprise

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Because there’s nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than a dinner date at a place known for its scantily clad, big boobed waitresses. Seriously, Hooters is the worst place to have a dinner date on Valentine’s Day for very obvious reasons.

24. 2-Carat Mug

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Sure it might come in a nice box. But don’t be fooled, ladies. He’s not proposing. He’s just giving you a Valentine’s Day gift mug. Sorry to disappoint you.

25. Diamond Ring Keychain

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I’m sure presenting your girlfriend with a keychain diamond ring won’t go well at all. She will not think it’s funny. In fact, she’ll probably be furious.

26. Man Crates Jerky Heart

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Ladies, want to please your man while sending him to an early grave to high blood pressure? This is Valentine’s Day gift you’ve been waiting for. While you’re at it, have him wash them down with some Campbell’s soup. Or just give him a carton of cigarettes.

27. “You’re My Favorite Thing To Do” Mug

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From Refinery 29: “Yes, it does look like that’s one person mercilessly strangling another. And yes, that will happen to you if you gift this to your S.O.” Also, might look a bit like rape.

28. Willie Egg Fryer

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Guess this is used as a part of an R-Rated breakfast. And I see the yolks are standing in for balls. Seriously, this is just crazy!

29. “Be Brave & Keep Going” Bracelet

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From Refinery29: “The subtext is, ‘Just keep riding until you drop off that cliff up ahead, because I never want to see you again.'” Yeah, you might be headed for a breakup after Valentine’s Day.

30. Valentine’s Day Controller

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From Refinery29: “Nothing says ‘stunted adolescence’ quite like un-ironically gifting someone milk chocolate. Oh, and the fact that it’s shaped like a PlayStation controller makes it that much worse.”

31. Papi Jock Strap

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From Refinery29: “If every kiss begins with ‘K,’ then every breakup begins with ‘performance jock strap.'” Ladies, if you love your man, avoid giving him this. Will save you a lot of trouble.

32. Shot to the Heart Pencil Holder

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From Refinery29: “This unintentionally macabre ‘shot to the heart’ desk accessory is just what the witch doctor ordered.” Yeah, that’s incredibly creepy if you ask me. Best gift for someone who’s into office work and voodoo.

33. Heart in Hand

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Sure it might seem touching. But keep in mind that this is a kitschy, disembodied hand. Probably the kind of gift that says, “I don’t know you at all.”

34. Monna Candle

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From Refinery29: “A candle that looks like if Georgia O’Keeffe designed a massive dildo for The Lord of the Rings — sign me up!”

35. Sex Checks

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From Huffington Post: “The description boasts, ‘Who says money can’t buy you love?’ which we’re pretty sure was the original slogan for prostitution.” Also, I’m sure they’re not worth anything, unlike cash.

36. The Fifty Shades of Grey Toy Collection

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Unless you and your partner are into BDSM or the E. L. James Trilogy, this says, “I have terrible taste and I’m even worse in bed.” Best to settle with flowers and candy.

37. Sex Scratch-Offs

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Compared to this, scratch off Lotto tickets are more desirable. And your chances of winning the lottery are less than being struck by a meteor. Or a satellite.

38. “Fresh Balls”

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I’m sure Valentine’s Day is a perfect occasion for you to tell your boyfriend that he has sweaty balls and you don’t like it. Ladies, avoid this like the plague.

39. Massage Chair

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A nice little way to tell your partner that you’re dumping a lot of money on a gift that’s clearly for you. Just another example of your failure as a partner. Cooking a romantic dinner is much cheaper and your partner is more likely to appreciate it.

40. Bliss Fat Girl Six Pack

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Okay, another way to tell your girlfriend that she’s fat and needs to lose weight. Really not something to tell her on Valentine’s Day. Also, I don’t think this works.

41. Love Message Disc Shooter

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From Village Voice: “Ow! Oh, that’s cute, honey, I love you too. Ow! I said I love you! Okay? Ow! It’s not funny anymore! Cut it out! OW! Okay, fucker, give me that thing….”

42. Don’t Forget Ring

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What you think this gift says about you: “I gave this to you so you won’t forget that I love you and enjoy life.” What it really says about you: “I didn’t know what to get you for Valentine’s Day so I wasted $7 on this piece of crap.”

43. Cleopatra Clamp

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Because nothing says “I love you” on Valentine’s Day than telling your partner that their looks aren’t good enough. So they gave you a way to get a dirt cheap nose job in one of the most painful ways possible. I also call this one, “the fastest way to get dumped by Adrien Brody.”

44. Bald Guyz Head Wipes

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From Inventor Spot: “This great product can remind him that he’s not only bald, but that he’s disgustingly sweaty too. Hooray for destroying your lover’s self confidence!”

45. Mangroomer

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I guess this gift says, “Honey, I love you, but I’m rather turned off by how you look like a gorilla. So I gave you an electric shaver for back hair.”

46. Eau de Pizza Hut Perfume

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Just because someone might like the smell from Pizza Hut doesn’t mean that they want to smell like Pizza Hut. Still, I can’t believe this actually existed and was only made for promotional purposes.

47. Naked Bacon Cooking Armor

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Because nothing says “I love you” on Valentine’s Day than a gift to your man suggesting how you want to see him cook breakfast without much on. If you want to see that, being naked in an apron works just as well.

48. Bitch Perfume

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Not sure what it’s supposed to smell like. But I don’t think many women would want their man giving them something with the word, “Bitch” on it. Then again, maybe that’s just me.

49. Adjoining Toilets

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For one, I think this might require a big bathroom since you just can’t prop this to a wall. Second, ever heard a thing called “privacy?” It’s the reason why public toilets are in stalls.

50. Penis Pasta

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Because nothing makes a great romantic dinner for two on Valentine’s Day than a pasta dish full of dicks. Yeah, I’m sure they’re serving that for dinner at some high end whorehouse.

51. Whiskey and Tobacco Cologne

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Because nothing makes a man more attractive on Valentine’s Day than smelling like he’s just came out of a bar. It’s the kind that makes you wonder whether he might have a problem and think about getting a divorce.

52. T’s for 2

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I’m sure making love in a T-shirt built for 2 isn’t as fun as it looks. Again, there are things couples might share in relationships. But I don’t think T-shirts should count.

53. Touch and Know Drug Test

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Because nothing says Valentine’s Day than telling your partner that you suspect that they might have a substance abuse problem. And that you have issues of trust.

54. Candy Nipple Tassels

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Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a gift telling your girlfriend that you want her to do a stripper routine while wearing inedible candy. Seriously, why?

55. Sex Bell

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Because there’s nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than treating your partner the same way Pavlov treats his pooch. So if they’re good in bed, do they get any treats?

56. Single Shot Garter

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From Cracked: “Here’s a gift that has some honesty behind it. The garter says “Hey baby, I wanna see you in your underwear” and the flask says ‘But you’re gonna need to be drunk for this to work.'” Okay, I think any woman receiving this might think of seeing other people.

57. Jane Seymour Open Hearts Jewelry

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Show that you love her this Valentine’s Day with this overpriced mall necklace that resembles 2 butts in an ‘S’ shape. She’ll totally love it.

58. Plush Love Rat

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Because nothing says “I love you” than presenting your sweetheart with a plushie of a heart spotted vermin. You might want to stick with a teddy bear instead.

59. Sex for Dummies by Dr. Ruth Westheimer

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Because nothing says Valentine’s Day like receiving a manual from your sweetheart that suggest that you aren’t as great a lover as you initially thought. Or that you’re suspecting that your partner might be a virgin if you hadn’t done it already.

60. Bliss Poetic Personal Waxing Kit

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Nothing makes a more romantic Valentine’s Day than a gift to your girlfriend telling her that she needs to remove her disgusting body hair. And you don’t think anything not involving self-administered torture.

Not So Great Tidings of Not Much Comfort and Joy Christmas Gift List

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Me with my mom, dad, and sister Molly at KDKA in 2007 for my Hometown HiQ appearance. It was my senior year in high school when my team ended up in the semi-finals and won $2,000 for our high school. This image might’ve appeared on my family Christmas card that year.

Of course, we all receive bad Christmas gifts at least once in our lives. I myself have received some body lotion in my teenage years that I haven’t had any use for. However, when it comes to giving presents, it tends to be very hard to find the perfect gift that you can afford. This is especially true when it comes to giving something to my sister who tends to the finer things in life and I’ll leave it at that. Then you have my dad who can be rather hard to buy for some years since he’s a guy. Luckily, I’m fortunate enough to have a gift list that only includes 5 people. Nevertheless, while finding a gift for someone can be rather nerve-wracking, determining what doesn’t make a great gift is fairly easy. And let’s just say, most of the gifts I’m about to feature in this article are clearly gifts that the people on your list really don’t want for Christmas. Nor would you want to receive any of these yourself. Now there are some gifts people don’t want like scales, neckties, outdated gadgets, bad movies, fruitcake, or what not. But listing those ideas would be boring and won’t glue you on this post for long. So instead, I list some of the more outrageous gift ideas of things you didn’t know you didn’t want. You know stuff that’s so terrible, offensive, insulting, unnecessary, or inappropriate that it’s unintentionally hilarious. That is when it comes to someone else this Christmas, anyway. So without further adieu, here are some gifts I strongly suggest you avoid giving your loved one for Christmas. Also, some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

  1. Kitty Carpet Reusable Downstairs Toupee
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And I thought head toupees for bald men were stupid enough. Now they have one for pubes. As if shaving your pubes isn’t a stupid idea already. A pube toupee is even dumber than that.

2. Accu‑Measure Fitness 3000 Personal Body Fat Tester

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From Refinery29: ” Seriously? Fancy perfumes, designer handbags, luxurious chocolates — there are so many delightful presents in the holiday-gifting palette. So, why would anyone choose the one that says, ‘Watch that holiday weight gain, cakey’?” Yeah, they have a point.

3. Willy Warmer

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Because what the man in your life really needs this winter is a snug for his junk. After all, he doesn’t want his genitals to freeze. Then again, why would a guy need this if underwear and pants do the trick just as well?

4. Cyber Clean Putty

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Think about it as silly putty but it’s meant for cleaning your cell phone, computer, and other electronics. Yeah, loads of fun with that (sarcasm).

5. Hobo Tool

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Handy for the times when you’re a homeless bum who’s always on the move and on a budget. Beats having to use rusty tools you found in junkyard for cutlery doesn’t it?

6. Achoo! Pepper Mill

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Now you enjoy freshly ground pepper on your food coming straight from a giant, plastic disembodied nose. Sounds kind of disgusting, doesn’t it? Well, that’s because it is.

7. Extreme Chores: Motioned Controlled Video Game

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Now you can enjoy all the fun of racing against the clock doing yard work, doing dishes, raking leaves, and cleaning the litter box. Makes doing household tasks fun for the whole family. Available on Ninentdo Wii.

8. 23andMe DNA Testing Kit

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From Refinery29: “Despite all the chair-throwing and sexy moms, we’ve always felt our family holidays didn’t resemble an Maury episode enough. Enter, 23andMe’s DNA home-testing kit. Enjoy that holiday family-togetherness vibe while you still can, because with this gift, you might be just one saliva sample away from ‘You are NOT the father.'” Seriously, do you really want being home for the holidays to be like Maury? I don’t.

9. Spaghetti Fork with Rotating Head

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Finally, a fork designed for specifically eating spaghetti. Just turn it on and see your fork twirl the noodles around it. Funny, I’ve been eating spaghetti for years and turned my regular fork to get the same result.

10. Bestow Wall Mounted Vase

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Ah, nothing like a disembodied hand carrying a fresh bouquet of flowers from a wall. Reminds me of something you’d see in a horror movie.

11. Poopy Time Fun Shapes

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Finally, a toy that makes toilet time so much fun. Now they can stick these up their asses and make adorable shapes as they do a No. 2. Has received 2 thumbs up from the late Billy Mays himself.

12. Toilet Teapot

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The kind of pot for when you have tea time but are sitting on the porcelain in the smallest room in the house. Has lovely floral decorations.

13. Onion-Chopping Goggles

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From Refinery29: “In holiday gifts, versatility is key. These handy kitchen goggles in lady-friendly pink are just the thing for when you get thrown in a gulag on onion-chopping detail again — or when outfitting your rap crew for a Mariah Carey remix video.”

14. Flashing Wine Glass

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For the times when you throw a house party at night but can’t decide whether to theme it as a disco or a rave. Yeah, these are quite tacky to say the least.

15. GAMAGO Spray Can Projection Clock

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The kind of clock you use when you need to know what time it is in the dumbest way possible. Seriously, who’s ever heard of getting the time from an aerosol can?

16. Coffin Couch

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For those who think, “I wish my living room looked just like walking into a funeral parlor.” Still, I doubt that most funeral homes have a couch made from one of their fancy boxes for dead people.

17. Enlighted Bra

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Finally, a lingerie item that provides bust support, lets you see in the dark, and helps you get noticed like a stripper at a rave. Yeah, not sure if I want any light up lingerie. That’s just too much.

18. Poo-Pourri

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It’s the kind of spray you use before you go to the bathroom so you don’t leave a stink. Comes in a variety of scents like Call of the Wild, Deja Poo, No. 2, Poo La La, Royal Flush, Trap-a-Crap, and Secret Santa.

19. Underwear Safe

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They’re the kind of tidy whitey underwear where Walter White might keep his meth money while traveling. Yeah, I’m sure nobody would want to touch those Benjamins after where they’ve been.

20. Home Stripper Pole

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Finally, a way to exercise that makes your kids think you’re “training to be a firefighter.” And a workout routine that might help you earn a living dancing on tables.

21. Life Gem Memorial Diamond Ring

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Because nothing says, “I love you” than giving your girlfriend a ring with a diamond made from the ashes of your dead grandma. If my boyfriend asks me to marry him, he should just stick to a normal-sized diamond. A LifeGem one is just too disturbing.

22. Cell Mate Cell Phone Earpiece Holder

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Now you can make phone calls on your cell in a way that leaves your hands free on the wheel. Too bad getting a bluetooth would’ve saved you a lot of embarrassment.

23. iPanties

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Now these slip crotch panties have a feature that allows you to slide to unlock. Sorry, fellas, I was just kidding. Still, wouldn’t want to receive these from my boyfriend for Christmas.

24. iCarta iPod Toilet Paper Holder

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Now you can listen to your iPod music as go on the pot and in speaker mode. Then again, it might be cheaper just to listen to your music while you’re wearing headphones on the throne.

25. Steak Brander

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Because a grillmeister always has to give his meat his own personal signature. Seriously, is branding your steak really necessary? Seriously, why?

26. Mobile Back Massage

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Not sure if it’s effective against back pain. But I think it will be great for a Ninja Turtles Halloween costume. Seriously, it looks too much like a turtle shell to take seriously.

27. Goatee Saver

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From The Telegraph: “A very good idea disguised as something that looks very stupid.” Guy has to bite into a plastic template in order not to mess up his goatee. I’ll let you figure out how stupid it is for yourself.

28. Beer Scented Candle

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Because nothing makes your home smelling fresh like a candle giving off a fragrance that makes it smell like a bar. Yeah, pretty much the same reason why I thought a Haymitch scented candle was utterly ridiculous.

29. Sing Along Tongs Silicon Tipped Cooking Tongs

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Now you can sing along while cooking in the kitchen while annoying the shit out of the whole family. Yeah, nothing more fun than tossing your salad while getting on your family’s nerves.

30. Retro Phone

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When you want to have wireless communication while wanting to hold your phone the old fashioned way. Some might call this being ironic. I call it idiotic.

31. Smoking Mittens

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The kind of mittens that allow people to light up outside in the cold while keeping their hands nice and warm. Of course, you could save money and years of your by just quitting smoking. Also, might encourage clothing fires or kill you.

32. Candy Kitten Crap

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Sure these candies might taste pretty good. However, by the shape of them, you wouldn’t know it. Still, a pretty gross concept if you think about it.

33. Hairy Leggings

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Great for wearing when you really want to get out of a second date with the guy who was mean to the waiter on the first one. Am I right, ladies? Probably better if you just don’t shave.

34. Dead Fred Pen Holder

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The kind of pen holder that makes your co-workers think that a. you moonlight as a serial killer, b. you have a sick sense of humor, or c. both a and b. Yeah, doesn’t look appropriate for a desk.

35. Coal Candy

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Yes, enjoy the great taste of being bad for Christmas. Also, tastes like suffocating air pollution responsible for deadly smog attacks, carbon emissions causing climate change, and harmful acid rain. Enjoy.

36. Toothpaste Tube Wringer

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Now your friend can use all the toothpaste in the tube before he or she has to buy more. Basically a way to tell them how much of a cheapskate they are.

37. Shove It Pen Holder Set

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Yes, nothing says professionalism at the office than having your pen stuck up inside a rear end with a chain. Might be a subtle way of a co-worker saying what asshole you are.

38. Ab Enhancer

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For the guy who wants a beach bod but has a work ethic akin to George Costanza. And they don’t mind wearing a grill for several minutes a day either.

39. Toilet Bank

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Helps teach kids the value of saving money while putting their weekly allowance down the toilet. But only because this bank is shaped like a commode.

40. Bacon Lube

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The kind of personal massage oil and lubricant for a man who likes to smell like a crispy pig in the sack or breakfast. Honestly, does anyone in their right mind would be sexually aroused by the smell of bacon? Seriously, why?

41. Fish Deboning Playset

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Hey, kids, learn how to gut and debone a fish. It’s fun. Yeah, just the kind of toy to freak out their parents.

42. Chalk Outline Guy Blanket Throw

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Now this blanket is guaranteed to make anywhere in your living room look like a crime scene investigation. Well, a televised crime scene investigation anyway. They don’t do chalk outline guy in real life.

43. Big Ox Oxygen

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For the low price of $5, you can give your loved one a bottle of air to breathe in. Then again, $5 is a high price to pay for something you already get every day for free.

44. Family Blankeez

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Because nothing makes family togetherness more worthwhile than sitting on the couch sharing a whole snuggie. Holds up to 8 people. Seriously, this is just plain weird to me.

45. Campfire Cologne

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Because anyone should be able to smell like you’ve spent a night with smoke blowing in your face. Not to be confused with Burning Building Cologne.

46. Moose Poop Necklace

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Because nothing says romance than receiving a moose turd on a gold chain from your boyfriend. Seriously, this has to be one of the shittiest jewelry present ever.

47. Lipstick Hip Flask

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From Refinery29: “Prediction: The woman who thinks a lipstick-shaped flask is cute is also waiting eagerly for Sophie Kinsella’s next novel.” By the way, Sophie Kinsella is a chick lit author best known for her Shopaholic series.

48. Gold Rush Dirt of the Month Club

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Nothing makes a great gift than having different kinds of dirt sent to you on a monthly basis. I’m sure some of the dirt they send you can easily dig up for free. This is stupid.

49. Eyeglass Lights

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Helps you see in the dark at night while losing all your sense of dignity. And it makes this guy look like he’s had one restraining order too many.

50. Dashboard Eyeball Wiggler

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Now this looks like a great dashboard decoration. For Halloween. Other times a year it might make people think you’re a sicko. And that fez might offend some Shriners.

51. Betty Beauty Hair Dye for Pubic Area

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Okay, why would anyone think of dying their pubes? Nobody’s going to see them other than people in the locker rooms or your significant other. I don’t understand it.

52. Gangster Cheese Grater

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If the gift receiver’s Italian, he or she is bound to either really like it or think it expresses a very offensive Italian mafia stereotype. Maybe both. So I wouldn’t risk it.

53. Giant Microbe Plushies

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Ah, yes, kids, cuddle up with an adorable microscopic plushie representing something that might kill you or make you sick. Range from fatal diseases, STDs, parasites, body cells, and others.

54. Heaven Travel Kit

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Now you can reserve a spot in Heaven and eternal life with this travel kit. Contains letters, forms, ticket, certificate, and travel guide. Sorry, but I don’t think getting isn’t like reserving a spot on a plane. This is probably a joke.

55. Bluetooth Unisex Gloves

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Because talking to your friends looks way less crazy this way. Then again, it’s sure to make people think that you might need psychiatric help.

56. Life Countdown Watch

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This Christmas, give the gift of impending mortality (that also comes fitted with a comfy wrist strap). Costs $79.99. For some reason, I think this is either a joke or a shameless ripoff.

57. Beard Bells

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From Refinery29: “On the bright side, you can hear any fool who chooses to wear these coming from a mile away.” I’m sure these will be annoying as hell and hard to get off once the fun is over.

58. Desktop Drum Set

 

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From Refinery29: “For when you’re just one spot away from earning the title of ‘World’s Worst Coworker.'” I have a friend who was a drummer in high school. He may enjoy this but that doesn’t mean I’d recommend anyone give it to him.

59. 360 Degree Mirror

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From Refinery29: “Handy for developing insecurities about the one spot on the back of your head you never noticed before!” Totally don’t need this in my life. Got enough insecurities to worry about already like social skills.

60. Individualized Beverage Warmer

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From Refinery29: “A passive-aggressive way to tell someone that you think it takes them way too fucking long to drink their coffee.” I’ll say.

61. The Fizzics Beer System

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From Refinery29: “Ever wished your $2 beer tasted like a $3 beer? Here is a thing that costs $170 that will make your dreams a reality!” Then again, you could just save more money with buying $3 beer. It’s cheaper than that.

62. USB Typewriter Keyboard

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Think of it as a typewriter for the digital age that you can use with your iPad. But you can also do spell and grammar checks with it as well. Kind of like what you do with a computer.

63. Hoverboard with Bluetooth Speaker System

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From Refinery29: “This hoverboard comes with a speaker system so you can announce to the entire world that the village douchebag has arrived.” Costs $674.99 or a massive waste of money.

64. Wireless Eye Massage

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From Refinery29: “Not sure about you, but there’s nothing soothing sounding about an ‘eye massage.'” Costs $149.99 so not worth it.

65. Gift of Nothing

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Yes, nothing makes a great Christmas gift for the person who has everything than a ball of nothing costing $9.99. Could’ve been cheaper if you made it yourself. Or just come with nothing.

66. Stress Buster Desktop Punching Ball

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From Refinery29: “You managed to fool HR’s personality test — don’t blow it now by violently punching a mini hot-air balloon every time your boss walks by.” Yeah, probably not the best way to deal with stress at work.

67. Grandma’s Last Christmas Tree Scented Candle

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Perfect for anyone who wants their living room to smell of apples, cinnamon, and creeping mortality. Seriously, what the hell were they thinking?

68. Hand Fitness Trainer

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It’s like a fitness trainer for your hand. Not sure how this works. And I’m not sure if I want to know.

69. Menu Wine Tote

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It’s like if a tote bag and a box of wine got together and had a baby. But this is more classier than boxed wine. Not sure if that might lead people to think you have a drinking problem.

70. Rox The Eternal Ice Cube

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Refinery29: “Sure, they water down your whiskey, but what ice cubes don’t do is chip your teeth when you’re knocking back a stiff one.” These look more like, well, rocks so to speak.

71. Teddy Bear Lamp

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Yes, parents, nothing lights up a child’s room while traumatizing them at the same time than a lamp of a decapitated teddy bear. Sure to send any small child for a lifetime of psychotherapy. That or have nightmares.

72. Tampon Flash Drive

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I don’t know about you. But when a woman is on her time of the month the last thing she needs is to not be able to tell the difference between her tampons and her flash drives. Don’t want to make a mistake flushing these down the toilet.

73. BluePrint Excavation Cleanse

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From Refinery29: “When you truly, deeply care about your loved one’s toxic colon, give them BluePrint’s signature Excavation Cleanse. Excavation’s refreshing green juices and agave-sweetened lemonades promise an internal deep-cleaning that ‘takes you much deeper, so you can finally unearth those crayons you ate when you were three.’ Wait a minute — juice and crayons? It’s DOUBLE PRESENTS, people!”

74. Anti Sag V-Line Chin Sauna Mask

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Now this might be an anti-wrinkle beauty treatment mask. But to me it’s a mask perfect for anyone who plans to dress up as a sexy Hannibal Lecter for Halloween.

75. Grayson Perry Scrotal Sack Handbag

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From Refinery29: “We’re really, really sorry about this one, people. NOPE, it’s not a Fendi, Hermès, or Mulberry. This is a Grayson Perry original, made by the British artist as a one-off gift for a friend (presumably not a frenemy). Thus, we’d like to nominate this jingle-bell-festooned “sac” as history’s worst gift. Worse than the Trojan Horse and small-pox blankets combined. Thankfully, Perry has no intentions of ever producing another, despite a flood of requests. And, that, dear readers, is our gift to you.”

76. Fifty Shades of Grey Charm Bracelet

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Let me give you a word of advice for my male viewers trying to think of what to give to their female significant other: Just because she might want a Fifty Shades of Grey charm bracelet, doesn’t mean you should get one for her. Keep that in mind and give her a Hunger Games bracelet instead.

77. Touchscreen Leather Gloves

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From Refinery29: “Perfect for the on-the-go techie who hates unsightly screen smudges and maybe does a bit of murder on the side.” Was thinking the same thing myself.

78. Spanx Skinny Britches

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From Refinery29: “What it says: ‘Whoa there, lady, you really went crazy on the mince pies this yuletide season, didn’t you? Don’t worry, you can squelch up the fat in these bad boys.’ Control pants are fine to buy for yourself, but never okay as a gift. Same applies to anti-aging moisturisers, acne treatments, and fitness DVDs.” Agreed.

79. Gun Lamp

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From Huffington Post: “The Bill of Rights not only guarantees the right to bear arms, but it allows Americans the right to have lamps with gun-shaped bases. Regardless of where your views fall in the gun rights battle, it’s safe to say there are many Americans who would love to use this for target practice.” Let’s just say I would never want this to be in my living room. No way in hell.

80. Old Man Peeing Liquor Beverage Dispenser

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When it comes to great tasting liquor, some think there’s nothing better than having it from an old man’s genitalia. Of course, I’m not one of these people who thinks the slogan, “Urine for a treat” is appealing.

81. Sandal Socks

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Guaranteed to keep your feet warm and your virginity intact (if you haven’t lost it already). But it’ll cost you all your sense of dignity.

82. Slicey the Pig Dashboard Wiggler

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Now this just look so fucked up for God’s sake! Seriously, the pig is basically cutting itself in half and doesn’t seem upset about it. Also, it’s eyes are terrifying. No, don’t put this on your car, ever.

83. Car Eyelashes

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Enhance your car’s beauty for $32.99 with these lashes to fit on its headlights. Okay, this is just a waste of money. Not to mention, they’ll look pretty stupid on your pickup truck or SUV.

84. Portable Body Scale

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As if you thought a regular bathroom scale was bad enough for a gift. This one makes you insecure about your weight when you’re on the go. Yeah, makes you think twice before eating that burger does it?

85. Vibrating Sauna Pants

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Man, they still have these and now in a bright orange updated version. Simply adjust the temperature and experience the hot feeling of your sweaty underwear year round.

86. Neckline Trainer

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From the Guardian: “Available at all good pseudo-scientific retailers, the Neckline Trainer is a great gift for people who believe that two minutes a day nodding on springs will ‘dramatically reduce the appearance of a double chin’. ” Yeah, I’m sure that’s going to work (sarcasm).

87. Toilet Roll Puzzle

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Now this is the kind of gift for someone you hate. Watch the fun, games, and underwear stains as people try to work out how to wipe their ass. Make sure you read the instructions before you hand it over (heh, heh).

88. Which Wittchedy Grub?

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Oh, great just the kind of candy everyone wants. Chocolate maggots. Disgusting. Then again, can’t be as bad as crunchy frog, ram’s bladder cup, cockroach clusters, and spring surprise.

89. Marijuana Home Test Kit

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Well, if it’s legal, then testing positive won’t be a problem. If not, then you’re basically screwed. And yes, you wouldn’t want to show this to the cops.

90. USB Humping Dog

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It’s supposed to be a dog humping USB port. Yeah, it’s supposed to look like it’s humping your computer if you plug it in. Yeah, it’s pretty ridiculous.

91. Teatanic Tea Infuser

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Yes, you can now have a replica of a famous ocean liner that hit an iceberg in 1912 and sank into the North Atlantic leaving over 1,500 people dead. Yeah, seems pretty mean if you ask me.

92. Handerpants

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Yes, these are underpants for your hands. Don’t ask me why these exist. I wasn’t the one who thought about these.

93. Undercap

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Goes well with Handerpants and will make you look even more stupid. Who the hell thinks of these things I have no idea. Seriously, why?

94. Knife Holder Man

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Hmmm…..just what I need in the kitchen. A guy to stick knives in which would freak out the kids. Now why did they think this was a good idea? This is just disturbing if you ask me.

95. Canned Unicorn Meat

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Looks more like ground meat in glitter. Not sure if the meat is fit for digestion. Disgusting and unappetizing if you ask me.

96. Wake & Bake Dream Griddle Alarm Clock

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Might be a great way to wake up to breakfast in bed in the morning. But then you realize someone has to cook the eggs and pancakes. So I wouldn’t recommend this for people who live alone.

97. Animal Modesty Panels

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From Refinery29: “Nothing says, ‘Cover it up, Sister Wife’ like a convenient 3-pack of modesty panels!” I think I’d stick with exposing my cleavage than covering it up with tacky animal prints. That’s just stupid.

98. Vino 2 Go

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From Refinery29: “Name me one scenario in which a cupholder-sized “Vino2Go” is advisable.” That’s an excellent point. I mean you obviously can’t drink from it while you’re driving. That would get you a DUI. Then again, if you have to have wine on the go, you might need an intervention.

99. Work Boot Personalized Stocking

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Because why should you let boys hang their sissy looking Christmas stockings at the fireplace this year? This is the kind of stocking that’s for real men. Looks like some Hummer driving dad isn’t secure with his masculinity.

100. Hobbit Feet Slippers

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Because in order to be a big fan of Middle Earth, you have to walk around in a hobbit’s shoes. And since hobbits don’t wear them, you have walk around in slippers of big hairy feet. Gross.

Father’s Day Gifts Your Dad Doesn’t Want

Me with my father and sister at my sister's high school graduation in 2011.

Me with my dad and sister at my sister’s high school graduation in June of 2011.

I know Father’s Day won’t be around for another month or two but it doesn’t hurt to plan early, assuming he’s still alive and you’re on good terms with him. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to think about buying something for the father of your kids, too, assuming that you know who he is and whether he’s a man deserving of such honor. Still, fathers aren’t as prized as mothers since they their biological contributions to their children doesn’t take as much time and investment as mothers, typically don’t take much investment in raising the kid, usually stop living with their children in divorce cases, tend to commit more crimes against their families as far as official records show, and in some cases aren’t called jerks if they tend to neglect their family for their career ambitions. Furthermore, the idea of American masculinity doesn’t seem to jive well with parenting at times, especially when it comes to being more nurturing. Not to mention, fathers can be portrayed as hopeless with housework or complete idiots. Nevertheless, the kind working fathers who stay with their families should receive paid paternity leave because even though they’re not popping out babies, they certainly could use a break for everything they do. And sure, while fathers are typically seen as providers and protectors, they also need to be seen as nurturers willing to do whatever it takes to make sure their kids become well-adjusted human beings. And other than moms, dads tend to have a big influence on their children’s lives whether they like it or not. Of course, like Mother’s Day it’s also seething with commercialism but not to the same degree, save maybe with the funny card department as well as with certain stores and departments that cater toward men. Now I can go on and on about great gifts you should bestow on your dear old dad. But since it will be boring, I’ll focus on stuff that will make your pops clutch at his heart upon revelation that you’ll have to call 911 to send him to a hospital. Now I’m not talking about “World’s Greatest Dad” mugs and what not. I’m talking about stuff that’s more unusual. So without further adieu, I give you an assortment of gifts that certainly not please your old man. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

1. Handyman Tool Belt Lounge Pants

Basically this is for the dad who would like to see himself as a handyman but is too busy being a couch potato. Also, the tools are fake and these are sweatpants.

Basically this is for the dad who would like to see himself as a handyman but is too busy being a couch potato. Also, the tools are fake and these are sweatpants. Best for watching reruns of This Old House.

2. Toilet Mug

Just because your dad enjoys toilet jokes doesn't mean he wants to drink his coffee from one in the morning. Seriously, he'd totally wouldn't want to be seen with this.

Just because your dad enjoys toilet jokes doesn’t mean he wants to drink his coffee from one in the morning. Seriously, he’d totally wouldn’t want to be seen with this.

3. BBQ Big Boy

Even if your dad is Steven Raichlen of BBQ U and Primal Grill, this would make a very terrible Father's Day gift. Unless, of course, he's a grilling enthusiast currently in a fraternity. But even then, such a Father's Day gift would be awkward but for different reasons.

Even if your dad is Steven Raichlen of BBQ U and Primal Grill (as well as possibly the manliest cook on public television), this would make a very terrible Father’s Day gift. Unless, of course, he’s a grilling enthusiast currently in a fraternity. But even then, such a Father’s Day gift would be awkward but for different reasons.

4. 52 Things Kids Need from a Dad by Jay Payleitner

From Cosmo: "Add some real bite by tabbing individual pages that illustrate his fatherly shortcomings and make sure to annotate with specific examples from your childhood." Still, you're much better off giving him a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and rubbing it in your face that he'll measure up to Atticus Finch.

From Cosmo: “Add some real bite by tabbing individual pages that illustrate his fatherly shortcomings and make sure to annotate with specific examples from your childhood.” Still, you’re much better off giving him a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and rubbing it in your face that he’ll measure up to Atticus Finch.

5. Bill Cosby Sweater

For those who know what's been going on with Bill Cosby lately, you can see why this is no longer a great gift idea. Seriously, in this day in age what was once seen as, "loveable dad" could immediately transform into, "serial rapist" very quickly.

For those who know what’s been going on with Bill Cosby lately, you can see why this is no longer a great gift idea. Seriously, in this day in age what was once seen as, “loveable dad” could immediately transform into, “serial rapist” very quickly.

6. Emergency Underwear Dispenser

Now your dad has an embarrassing place to put his equally embarrassing tidy whiteys. Also, if he gets upset, you can tell him the diaper dispenser was on back order.

Now your dad has an embarrassing place to put his equally embarrassing tidy whiteys. Also, if he gets upset, you can tell him the diaper dispenser was on back order.

7. Wiener Roasters

For the dad who loves to grill and possesses no sense of taste. Seriously, I'm not sure if my dad would want to be caught dead roasting hotdogs from these.

For the dad who loves to grill and possesses no sense of taste. Seriously, I’m not sure if my dad would want to be caught dead roasting hotdogs from these.

8. Eagle Claw Portable Potty

From Farm and Fleet: "Carrying a “potty” in your pocket is not a good idea no matter how clever they think it might be!" Yes, this is basically "Go Girl" for men.

From Farm and Fleet: “Carrying a “potty” in your pocket is not a good idea no matter how clever they think it might be!” Yes, this is basically “Go Girl” for men.

9. Waxvac Ear Cleaner

There are more polite ways of telling your father that he's losing his hearing. And I'm sure hearing loss isn't always caused by wax buildup.

There are more polite ways of telling your father that he’s losing his hearing. And I’m sure hearing loss isn’t always caused by wax buildup.

10. RELIANCE Luggable Loo Portable Camping Toilet

From Farm and Fleet: "Could you imagine dad lugging this into a movie theater on family movie night? It doesn’t matter if the movie theater adds claim “So comfortable, you’ll feel like you’re watching a movie in the comfort of your own home”."  Of course, he could just as well use the facilities already available at any venue anyway, campground or not.

From Farm and Fleet: “Could you imagine dad lugging this into a movie theater on family movie night? It doesn’t matter if the movie theater adds claim “So comfortable, you’ll feel like you’re watching a movie in the comfort of your own home”.” Of course, he could just as well use the facilities already available at any venue anyway, campground or not.

11. Borat Mankini

If it looked bad on Borat, it will certainly look terrible on your dad. To quote my dad,  just say, "no way in hell," on this one.

If it looked bad on Borat, it will certainly look terrible on your dad. To quote my dad, just say, “no way in hell,” on this one.

12. The Slim & Lift Undershirt for Men