For when you’re dressed as a hobbit at a Lord of the Rings convention. Other than that I’m not sure what else.

If you need to relieve yourself and can’t get to the bathroom in time during a drunken party. Okay, it’s actually a prank pack.

Because nothing says you really need to lose a few and monitor your weight at all times like a smart scale. Perhaps the most expensive smart device your loved one will throw out a window.

Why go with a boring dog calendar when you can get one featuring dogs taking a shit? After all, dogs poop out in the open without shame, anyway.

Yes, everyone likes pizza. But most people prefer to eat with it than cuddle with it on the couch.

Actually this might be a good gift to the recipient. But it’ll be hell on earth for the neighbors. Still, it’s available in splashy colors.

The kind of gift you give your boss that says “I hate you.” But in a rather subtle fashion that doesn’t get you fired.

Has some decorations as well. If you receive this, please don’t wear it during a Christmas party. Or like ever.

Protects parents from their baby’s pee while changing its diaper. Unfortunately, it’s a prank pack. Sorry, new parents.

From All Gifts Condsidered: “I know these are just stuffed animal plush pillow, but… ewwwww. A cockroach plush pillow? It’s gross to even look at the photo. Don’t do this to anyone, please. But seriously. It’s bad enough already, but if anyone has ever had to deal with a cockroach infestation, this is like snuggling with a nightmare.”

Okay, I get why you’d buy it as a prank. But the feet here are utterly disgusting. Seriously, why?

It’s a piggy bank with a butt crack. Nonetheless, the British version is extremely inappropriate for children (because “fanny” means vagina over there).

Because slacktivists also need their toiletries. Can also bring reminders of those good old days when we considered Lance Armstrong a great role model for children.

Since smoking that cancer death stick isn’t enough for you. Who the fuck came up with this noxious idea?

It’s the kind of gift that says, “you’re having problems controlling your anger. Calm the fuck down already.”

Got that kid who wouldn’t sit still? This will put them in their place.

Want your car to smell like breakfast or attract neighborhood dogs? Here’s the perfect gift for you.

Unfortunately, it’s not made out of real gold. If it was, it would be way worth more than $5.

The tissues come out of the nose. Yes, it’s disgusting.

It’s a bacon chocolate bar. Please don’t tell me how it tastes like.

Because nothing says “you’re an asshole with bad social skills” like a book about manners. Seriously, who’d want to get one of these?

Just because your boyfriend’s a fan of Borat doesn’t mean you should get him one of these. He’ll either not wear it or embarrass you on your summer trip to the beach.

This crocheted winter gear will make a man warm during the winter. But it’ll also make him look like an idiot.

Because who wants to smell like they just walked out of a bar? Not me. Not anyone.

Sure your teeth will be clean. But they’ll certainly not smell like it.

For when you want to blind and perhaps suffocate your cat. Probably not approved by the ASPCA.

It’s basically beer pong for high class frat boys. Think a sexual assaulting Brett Kavanaugh during his college days showing his dong.

Think of it as a rave in your water glass. Yes, I know it’s kind of crazy. Like something they’d have at a club Stefon describes.

Well, it always helps to plan ahead. But is cremation urn really a great Christmas gift? Absolutely not. This is especially if the recipient is old, sick, or injured.

For the person who has irritable bowel syndrome. But I’m not sure if they’ll appreciate it one bit.

For when you want to confuse your purse with your lunch. Or is it your lunch with your purse?

Yes, this is a real sport. But for the love of God, please don’t try it at home. Seriously, don’t.

You mean they have floss for butts? Please you can clean your crack in the shower. In fact, I recommend you do.

Now you can put Nic Cage on your Christmas tree. Seriously, how much of Nic Cage stuff can you get?

Basically one of the worst gifts you can receive. Love the inscription though. Hilarious.

He who receives it will feel proud of himself to the detriment of his family. Until his wife accidentally on purpose breaks it.

Said to be authentic and to guarantee results. Despite that it’s actually booze and will only guarantee results if the subject drinks enough of it.

Quite an interesting take on the late painter and PBS TV host. The “Everybody Needs a Friend” message is quite disturbing.

For when you want to hold things without using your fingers. Seriously, why?

Either a parent or in-law’s way of saying they want grandkids. Or a way to cheer up a couple experiencing fertility issues. Either way, it’s kind of disturbing.

These are for office stuff. Pencils and scissors go in trash. Pens in recycle. Probably not something you give someone for Christmas.

For baking stuff while in your winter cabin. Still. you might want to go with the female version. At least it doesn’t have antlers.

For the person who wants to set the sleeping arrangements straight. Wonder if my dad would want this but my mom wouldn’t let him.

Yes, this shirt has Nic Cage’s face on it. Yes, it’s creepy as hell. I don’t understand the craze behind such disturbing merchandise.

Called, “The Gourmet Memos” these are post-its of salami slices. Even has a net you can put it in.

For when you’re ready for a cold one. But it’s very hard to open it. Not great for romantic candlelight dinners.

Now you can brand your stuff with your own initials. Heat these and try them on your pets. I dare you the won’t take it well.

These ones have noses on them. Yeah, I know it’s rather strange. Makes a great party and drinking game though.

For when you want to practice your flies when you’re on the shitter. Of course, the fish aren’t real.

For practicing putting when you’re at the office. This makes the potty golf products seem less lame in comparison.

For the scooter traveler. Though I don’t know anyone who travels by scooter since it’s not a very reliable mode of long distance transportation.

Because nothing says friendship like a smelly, embarrassing prank. Though you’re more likely to use it on your enemies.

It’s supposed to bring you good fortune. But I don’t think it does shit.

Now you can put your lady love on your Christmas boxers. Not sure if the lady love should be flattered or confused.

Now you can have your own picture on a pillow. Seems like the only thing that a narcissist like Donald Trump would love and not be creeped out by it.

Yes, that’s a calendar of cats crapping. This one’s not even going in the litter box.

For men need to take care of their, um naughty bits. Still, guys, if your girlfriend gives you these, you might need to wash them.

Actually this is a prank pack, So relax, guys. Still, the guy’s expression on this box is priceless.

Well, this might actually be a great gift for the recipient. But bad for everyone who has to put up with it. Still, it’s pretty funny.

A great way to relieve stress if you have a bad boss. Best recommended for anyone who works for Donald Trump.

How else will you make your ass and toilet clean again? Great for your Trump supporting Uncle. Or not. You’ll never know.

Great for the germaphobe in your life. Okay, this is a prank pack but could you imagine Adrian Monk getting one of these?

Recommended for the alcoholic in your life. And yes, this is a prank pack. The wine looks like an IV stand.

Notice how you put the pencil up his ass. Though Republican congressmen put their heads inside voluntarily and out of personal self-interest.

Why should kids have all the fun at the playground? Comes with harness. Okay, this is just a prank.

Because why should little kids be banned from playing with matches? Actually this is a prank pack. But imagine the parents’ faces when their kid gets this thing.

What the fuck is this shit? Seriously, do we really need to talk to our pets about gun safety? Would it be worth it?

Uh, one dick pic is one too many. Now imagine 5,000 times that. Yeah, you get the picture.

Yes, this is a male hygiene kit for his nether regions. It’s basically the men’s equivalent to receiving body wash and lotion for Christmas.

Not only cleans your toilet, but also plays music while you go No. 1 or No. 2. Okay, this is a prank pack. But you’d wish this was real.

For what’s more fun than picking up a pack of needles to get some straw? Of course, this is a prank. They’d never make a board game like this in real life.

For the person you know likes to cook but might have drinking problem. But with enough corks, the trivet makes a handy hot pad.

Has a few things relating to shit. Most of them seem like hot sauce bottles. Not sure why.

They’re socks resembling dog paws. Great for the person who’s way too into their dog.

It’s soap with money inside it. Yet, there’s only a dollar so it doesn’t seem worth it.

Of course, the turd’s not real. Yet, makes a great gag gift for friends. Or a form of revenge for enemies.

A form on what went on and what you need. Great for the person who seems to screw up everything.

Kids can build this house and power it up. Still, not sure if it’s necessarily safe for kids to experiment with electricity. $50

The kind of gift you give to someone at work who’s got some anger issues. Great for office secret Santa.

Now you can put your personal brand on everything. Okay, this is a prank pack box. So you have nothing to worry about.

For the indecisive person who just can’t make up their minds. So you get them something like this to help them along.

They’re socks with your pictures on them. Why would anyone do this, I have no idea.

From Love to Know: “If your friends or relatives are into the fanny pack look, this can be a nice gift to give. However, you want to make sure that you choose the right kind of fanny pack. Not too many people on your friends list can truly appreciate the belly fanny pack, which retails for about $13. If you are thinking about buying this, just don’t.”

She’s a cross between a Barbie and a Sasquatch. And you get to shave all her body hair off from mouth to legs.

Makes a great gift for the motorcycle enthusiast who can’t afford one. So you give them this to compensate.

From Dodoburd: “This magnet set features an assortment of dog butts, including a fire hydrant so you complete the theme. This would be a funny gift for dog lovers, because you have to take the good with the bad when you love something. Whoever gets stuck with this might say they got the tail end of the deal.”

After all nothing feels softer than bread. Except they’re not actually made from bread. Or made in France.

Now I and my fellow women can pee standing up with this funnel thing. Then again, it might not be as practical for indoors as outdoors.

For when you want to make your living room more like your kitchen. Nonetheless, despite how tasty they look, you can’t eat these.

It’s lingerie with a thick ribbon bow as a bra. But the underwear is just a few strings attached. And doesn’t look comfortable.

Yes, it’s a women’s one piece of a man’s hairy chest. Try to explain that one to children.

From Worst Gifts: “But really, what happens when the adventure calls? It happens when you least expect it! So it’s a good thing you’re burning dozens of calories with all this typing you’re doing! If you are looking to feel a little more comfortable on the adventure trail, you need a pair of Hobbit size slippers. They’re not ugly, I mean…. , in any case they’re comfortable. Oh, yes, so comfortable. You will want to stay in your underground home all day and will never venture to steal a dragon’s loot.”

Fill this with green shower gel and you can use the mucus to clean yourself. Ugh, did that come out really gross?

Learn how to break wind with this handy guide. But keep your ass far away from the candles.

Let’s just say, though Pepe’s a relatively harmless character, he’s become associated with the Alt-Right in recent years. So getting anything with his face on it isn’t a good idea.

For the stoner who might’ve smoked too many. Or someone who wants to know whether their dazed loved ones are stoned out of their minds.

Want to make a grand entrance in traffic? This is for you. Makes a great gift for some asshole drivers who like to announce their presence in a big way. But it’s hell for everyone else.

So how does this work exactly? Because dehydrated water simply can’t exist. Seriously, what the hell is this? A joke?

Basically says, “you sneeze a lot and have very expensive tastes.” Besides, you can get cheaper tissue boxes than this.

If you want to protest Donald Trump like a Brit, this is the book for you. Otherwise, best not to give to children who might make their parents think you’re setting a bad example.

Now you can shoot champagne straight into your mouth. Might make people think you have a drinking problem.

He’s basically a Donald Trump teddy bear that will turn everything you love into shit. Great for inflicting harm on your enemies. Still, for the love of God, kill it. Kill it with fire.

Guaranteed to creep people out when you have your coffee. Seriously, who puts teeth on a mug?

From Huffington Post: “Imagine waking up at 3 a.m. and seeing this Toilet Donald statue angrily tweeting about some imagined slight. Oh, sorry. That’s a nightmare.”

From Huffington Post: “This praying mantis statue definitely offers a new angle on angels. If the recipient looks at you incredulously (a good possibility), just look beatifically at the sky and say, ‘the Lord does work in strange and mysterious ways.'”

From Huffington Post: “Looking for a gift for the person still feeling burned by the 2016 election? Want something special for the person who thinks Trump is toast in 2020? This Trump toaster burns the face of The Donald on one side of bread, with ‘You’re Fired!’ on the other. The product’s website also sells ‘Impeach Jam.'”

From Huffington Post: “If you’re in a situation where you’re wearing a kilt, it’s not a bad idea for it to be camouflaged (why call attention to yourself?). The Tactical Kilt is especially handy because it has pockets and compartments that allow you to hide weapons, the better to protect yourself if people make fun of you.”

From Huffington Post: “Why a life preserver for a bottle of wine? If you have to ask why, you’ll never understand.”

From Huffington Post: “After a hard day, there is nothing like resting your feet on a moose-shaped Ottoman. And there is probably nothing in your house that matches a moose-shaped Ottoman. Just a warning: If you get this for Christmas, your kids will never let you get rid of it.”

From Huffington Post: “Texting in a bathroom isn’t easy. You have to hold the phone with both hands, leaving nothing to hold a glass of wine (or anything else). The Potty Texter apparently makes it easier to answer nature’s call while answering emails or checking out social media feeds. Just promise me you won’t use this to do a Facebook Live feed, please?”

From Huffington Post: “Hand turkeys are a common art project for school kids, but few of them are as elaborate as this statue that combines a turkey head with a human hand. Or as creepy. Yep, definitely creepy.”

From The Huffington Post: “Some weird gifts are actually weirdly useful, such as the Beard Bib. Hook it to a mirror with suction cup and it will catch all the facial hair before it gets stuck on the sink. I assume it could also work for vomit, spittle, last night’s dinner and other things you don’t want in the sink, but that’s a little gross to think about.”

From The Huffington Post: “If Donald Trump can scratch Vladimir Putin’s back, why can’t your cat scratch everywhere else. Yes, all cats will be rushin’ to use this scratching post of the Russian dictator, even though others would rather scratch his eyes out.”

That way, you can bring the party anywhere. But make sure you plug it in first.

If you need a pair on the go, these will serve you well. Just go into a bathroom and change first. Still, this is a pretty terrible gift.

For the person who said they wanted nothing. But you didn’t get the memo that they expected you to give them a gift anyway.

An ideal gift for the parent who wants to scare the kids straight. Then again, this might not be good for any children.

For the woman who wants to make an electric entrance. Then again, I’m not sure if the light actually works. Also, looks pretty ridiculous.

As you can see, the art isn’t the greatest. Faces range from Cubist to goblin.

On one side, it’s shiny red. On the other is Nicholas Cage’s face. Hope your loved one enjoys this one.

Now if you have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, you can find your way. Yet, it’ll make your toilet appear like a nuclear disaster area.

For the person in your life who loves food. But is often seen holding bottle of booze at a party when you see them.

It’s like Fifty Shades of Grey. But with kinky chicken recipes to try with your partner. Then again, that might be a better idea than the real book.

For the democratic socialist with a green thumb. Nonetheless, Bernie certainly has hair like that.

It’s a cuddly teddy bear known to break wind. Kids will love it. Parents not so much.

Okay, this is a prank pack. But I’m sure many would want something that would roll the dough itself.

Allows you to feed the critters outside. Though a bird feeder works just as well. Seriously, I’ve seen it in action.

It’s the hot new tech gift that nobody wants, especially women. Great for making that special someone hate you for the rest of your life.

You can store paper clips in the seat. While the figure holds tape as toilet paper and pencil at the mouth.

From Buzzfeed: “Crumpled trash is the pinnacle of true love.” I’d beg to differ on that.

Now you can eat and write with the same utensils. Okay, that’s quite unsanitary.

From The Huffington Post: “This collection of tiki mugs — modeled on the mugs of various characters from ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’ — is perfect for the person who loves foofy drinks and ‘90s sci-fi. As Jean-Luc Picard might say: ‘Make it so … alcoholic.'” Wait a minute, Cardassians and Ferengi are much more appropriate for Deep Space Nine.

From Buzzfeed: “For the friend who has to endure medical school.” Or nursing school. Come in 6 different colors.

It’s a cute way of telling your loved one that they remind you of the Wolfman. And that it might not be a good thing.

It’s supposed to keep you hydrated while you play video games. Okay, it’s actually a prank pack. Sorry to disappoint you.

It’s a mount you can use to put your device up. Yes, it’s another prank pack. But that’s beside the point.

From Refinery29: “Because ladies LOVE doing dishes in their heels.” Actually we women do not.

From Refinery29: “For the recent retiree or gentleman/woman/homesteader of leisure in your life, a gift that truly says, ‘This should keep you busy while you run out the ol’ life-clock.’ Your giftee will know you value traditional, rural handicraft and savings when you show them that it comes with a free issue of Carving Magazine!”

From Refinery29: “Finally, a gift that reminds me of my arthritic wrists.” Maybe if you have arthritis, you shouldn’t wear bracelets.

From Refinery29: “Finally, a girl can make four pies simultaneously, in a weird iron-maiden-type device, in the comfort and safety of her own home. Psych, everyone — this is actually the best gift.”

From Refinery29: “It’s a scarf! No, it’s a purse! It’s a scurseparf! Forget those bras with pockets: Here’s the today way to sassily sport the valuables you need most, like your bling-y barrettes and Sophie Kinsella novels.”

From Refinery29: “This is a super-classy, MoMA-approved way to commemorate the 36 most special times you ever got lit (precious memories). Don’t buy it for us, though. Our boxes of Chardonnay don’t come with corks.”

They’re eyes you can stick on your food. Takes playing with it to a whole new level.

I’m sure it’s given to dads everywhere. With this book, they can be lame like the dad in that 1970s style cover.

Indeed, these are cats on vinegar rice you can hang on your backpack or purse. For cat and sushi lovers everywhere.

With this you can take a nap anytime and anywhere. Okay, this is actually a prank pack. But many would wish it can be the real thing.

Guaranteed to last longer than a real bag of potato chips. Though this woman doesn’t know the difference.

Comes with a secret compartment. Though your younger guests might think it resembles a save icon.

From Buzzfeed: “HA HAR HA. Tell ’em how you really feel.” Wonder how people would react if you put them on your fridge.

It’s packing tape with hinges on it. Makes it seem that packages are easier or harder to open than they really are.

Makes you think that your dinner is a preview. Not sure if that helps matters.

Do you love pizza so much you’d want to go to bed with it? Now you can in a way. Still, it’s kind of tacky.

It’s a card game on the different kinds of poop there are. Disgusting? I know.

That way you can get toilet paper like you got polaroids. Yet, many younger people may not know what this is supposed to resemble.

It’s to keep your beer cool when you don’t have a fridge in sight. Yeah, they seem to make so many beer products for some reason.

They’re coffee mugs with a 2 way radio. Okay, it’s a prank pack. I know it’s disappointing.

It’s supposed to be like Mao Zedong’s Little Red Book but with Donald Trump quotes. Let’s just say Mao was more eloquent in his oratory.

They’re wooden spoons shaped like guitars. Come in acoustic and electric.

It’s like a Magic 8 Ball. But it’s gives you sarcastic answers. Then again, a real Magic 8 Ball was like that, too.

Well, they have a lot of other kinds of emoji stuff. Yet, imagine having to tee off with one of these.

It’s supposed to be a soap duck with money inside. By the way, the money’s not real as you can see.

So this is a poetry book by cats. Didn’t know they can write poems. Oh wait, they can’t.

It’s a pillow resembling a sloth. Blends in with the right kind of carpet.

I think it’s supposed to be a book asking questions about some French guy that no one reads. Well, that’s as far as I know.

It’s a card game featuring a variety of horrible and hilarious scenarios. Though Odo from Deep Space Nine slept in a bucket during the early seasons like it was nothing. Since he’s a shape-shifter.

It’s supposed to keep your drink warm on a cold winter day. Though if you have one of these, you might also have a drinking problem.

For the woman who’s dealt with so much shit from men that squeezing a couple of nuts brings such sweet relief. Disgusting but kind of hilarious.

It’s for writing notes while you’re in the shower. When you’re supposed to be cleaning yourself.

It’s a fondue for a luau party. Will go well with the Star Trek Next Gen tiki cups.

It’s a water bottle that resembles a bottle of moonshine. Though you have to love the passed out squirrel.

When it pops, the turkey’s done. Simple as that. Perfect for Thanksgiving.

One side you use for your butt. The other side you use for scrubbing your face. Yeah, I know it’s pretty lame.

It’s toilet spray for the kinky kind. Of course, it’s a way to tell someone that their bathroom smells like shit.

It’s supposed to be a donkey cigarette dispenser. Indeed, it’s in poor taste and fosters bad health habits.

It’s a way you can carry your lunch and freak people out at the same time. Comes with eye chart.

It’s dental floss with a ranch dressing taste. While using it will clean your teeth, your mouth won’t smell like minty freshness.

For the person who needs constant reactions but can’t afford a crowd. Perfect for the person who has to work closely for Donald Trump.

They’re mittens for wiping your butt when you go to the bathroom. I’m sure they’re disposable.

It’s a seat made from pizza boxes. Great way to show the world you love pizza and are poor.

For the girl who loves Ryan Gosling. But if you’re her boyfriend, you’ll eventually get sick of looking at his face after awhile.

Finally, a photo album for the pictures you take of yourself. Perfect for the narcissists in your life.

It’s one of those party games where players decide who’s most likely to do what. By the way, no one wins at the game.

I’m sure this guy will make your parties. Though you wouldn’t want children to attend them. Since he has a rather swirly appendage.

Now you can hear the music of Justin Bieber while cleaning your teeth. Perfect for that special someone who you want to see suffer.

From The Huffington Post: “Some people look for happiness in the bottom of a glass. Now you can see the future. The Fortune Teller Tumbler uses the same ‘technology’ of the Magic 8 Ball kids toy to answer life’s most pressing questions. ‘Am I going to get stupid drunk tonight trying to get a decent fortune out of this glass?’ ‘All signs point to yes.'”

From The Huffington Post: “Drinking more during the holidays? The AlcoMate portable breathalyzer can come in handy. However, take it from me: People get awfully competitive when you have a portable breathalyzer: Everyone will try to beat the other person’s score and the only one who wins is the Uber driver.” Perfect for choosing who’s going to be the designated driver.

From The Huffington Post: “Just to be clear: Poop is a game, not actual poop itself. The game requires players to get rid of their ‘poop’ cards without clogging the toilet. Certainly, there are crappier gifts to get.”

For the person who’s a bit too possessive about their ice cream. Surely there’s enough to share around.

Want to make a delicious grilled cheese and drive Bible Belt Christians nuts? This is for you.

Perfect for the drunken frat boy in your life who loves beer. Like Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

Comes with 2 shot glasses for a drinking game. Perfect for the drunk uncle in your life.

It’s a way to manage those silent but deadlies. Though I don’t think it does shit.

From The Huffington Post: “Just what everyone wants for Christmas: A Donald Trump doll that spouts 17 of the trademark phrases he repeats at all of his rallies. Give this to a Trump supporter at your own risk, because they will keep pushing the button in order to push your buttons.” Unlike the real Trump, at least this one shuts up when you want it to and doesn’t take its unstoppable rage on Twitter.

From The Huffington Post: “Know someone who is really picky about their wine, but doesn’t know why they like what they like? Let DNA do the dirty work. The Vinome wine club selects wine based on the flavor preferences found in certain gene markers. The DNA spit test can help determine if the drinker is partial to bitter flavors, fruity flavors, and certain types of reds or whites. It worked for me and determined I like wine. Lots of it! Thank you, science!”

From The Huffington Post: “Gunsticles are metal balls in the shape of testicles designed to be attached to a gun. They serve no purpose whatsoever, other than to: A) tell others you have ‘balls,’ and B) letting others at the gun range easily spot the tool.”

From The Huffington Post: “Fish sandals. Two words you never realized sounded so good together until you read them just now.” Still, they look kind of disgusting.

From The Huffington Post: “It’s not for everyone, but you know there is at least one person in your life who would love a hidden door. Bonus points if they are a legit mad scientist. Negative points if they operate a meth lab.”

From The Huffington Post: “Figuring out whether pasta is ready is one of life’s hassles, requiring a person to repeatedly pick spaghetti out of a boiling pot and fling it against a wall. Wouldn’t it better to have a singing piece of plastic to let you know? Please don’t answer that. I can’t hear you anyway.”

Now you can have marshmallows that taste like booze. Why anyone would want that, I have no idea.

Shoot hoops at the office with this fun desk game. All fun and games until the ball hits Jeff from accounting.

Here’s the perfect coffee cup for those who enjoy coffee and abhors cardboard. Comes with a silicon lid.

Bring the port a potty experience to your life with this. But during an outdoor camping trip in the woods. Because publicly relieving yourself on this won’t win you many friends.

Because squeezing a talking stress ball is a great way to blow off steam. Prone to annoy co-workers for hours.

That way, you can make yourself look like you’re wearing a watch but aren’t. Come in several different colors.

Enjoy countless hours of laughing at mistakes of those who fail at basic syntax. Fun for the whole family.

Give your Austen fan a way to look like a bad bitch with these tattoos. Tramp stamp not included since that’s just plain improper.

It’s the kind of gift that suggests, “I know you look at porn, Bob.” If you’re a woman, it’s a great way to tell your boss he’s a total creep. This is especially if he happens to be Louis C.K.

Makes a handy way to store your eggnog for the office Christmas party. A must have for any Santa pub crawl.

Spend endless hours dancing to music with these slippers. Also double as headphones. Okay, this is a prank pack. But it’s quite amusing.

A way to gamble and get drunk during a party. Just like so many do in Las Vegas.

Best way to make cocktails at a rave. Though I’m sure James Bond would beg to differ.

After all, children receive stickers for their achievements. So why not adults? Reward yourself with these stickers for mundane adulthood accomplishments.

The kind of gift that says, “I know you like to work out. Yet, you also lose a lot of important stuff.” Has a compartment for your keys, money, and credit cards.

From B+C: “What lights up and will instantly turn you into the opposite of the grinch?” Think it as something Elton John would wear to a Christmas party.

For those who wish to drink with sophistication. And probably have a drinking problem.

These are the kind of shot glasses for a hunting party. Though they seem somewhat impossible to set down. Well, unless you remove the heads first.

In this game, each player answers personal questions while pretending to be in the “hot seat.” Depending on the crowd, can result in lots of laughs, fights, relationship breakdowns, and possibly a lifetime of therapy.

Down champagne like a fish with this Chambong glass. Though it might make you look like an idiot during more formal occasions.

Not sure what to make for dinner? Then foodie dice provides the answer. Though you can also check your fridge for leftovers, too.

From B+C: “Protect your cookies from… people who apparently steal your cookies so often that you need a safe?” Try getting those chocolate chip cookies now, Cookie Monster.

From B+C: “Could the German Shepherd mask be the new creepy horse mask? Only time will tell.” Me: Absolutely.

Because any woman could use a special towel to dry her boobs. Instead of like an actual towel she normally uses for drying everything.

It’s the kind of gift for someone who can’t hold it in between rest stops. Not something you’d want to receive in a gift exchange.

It’s basically Poopourri for those who expect to be treated like royalty. Not sure if anyone would lose their head over this.

Now you can go to a rave with light up pasties. Goes great with glow sticks or your Lady Gaga costume.

From Dodoburd: “This toilet paper is in the likeness of $100 bills, so you can feel like Bill Gates or Warren Buffett and take care of business with money instead of toilet paper. It’s a way to get a taste of the good life without having to manage a multi-billion dollar corporation.”

Because there’s nothing more irresistible than smelling you just came out of a pizza shop. Whether that’s a good or bad thing is hard to say.

And you can guess where the bottle goes. Yep, the place where the sun don’t shine.

Hold candy in a glass bowl that’s shaped like a plastic bag. Sure it’s not the best looking bowl. But hey, what do you know?

These were a fad in the 1980s. I know it’s kind of hard to fathom that now.

Toast hotdogs with your very own hotdog toaster. Though to be fair, you can always use a toaster oven.

Finally, something you can use to take a nap anywhere or anytime. Though you can just use a sleep mask. Nevertheless, this is a prank.

With this you can make ice cream treats on your car. Okay, this another prank gift. But it’s so hysterical I couldn’t ignore it.

It’s the kind of clock that will make people feel rather uncomfortable. I me an it’s a giant eye that always seems like watching you.

It’s kind of disturbing if you think about it. Seems like a fish going down the drain.

Because what else could you give a Game of Thrones fan? Just make sure that special someone isn’t getting married. Since this is more appropriate for a red wedding.

Includes puzzles pertaining to National Treasure and Raising Arizona. Still, who’d really want something like this is beyond me.

Though funny, it’s not the kind of umbrella you’d want in 2017. Seriously, have you heard of all the sexual misconduct allegations?

It’s a chocolate bar with bacon. Though people love both bacon and chocolate, that doesn’t mean the two should be together.

Yes, they all smell like different kinds of beer. Now you can get yourself clean and smell like you’ve walked out of a bar.

Because your cocktail drink should always taste of breakfast. I know, it’s pretty disgusting.

You know, the kind of comb a bald guy uses. Notice the combs are on the ends.

From B+C: “Decorative beards and mustaches are definitely here to stay, so give that guy in your life the products he needs to keep things tidy.” Still, I’m a woman, and even I don’t like receiving hygiene products. I’m sure guys would feel the same.

It’s cologne meant to smell of a campfire. And it’s said to be explosively awesome. Like you’ve just been to a bonfire and now smell literally like smoke.

Really? Canned air? I’m sure it’s just a whole can of nothing. Air is air no matter where it comes from.

It’s the kind of gift that says, “I didn’t know what to give you this year. But I heard you enjoyed Law and Order. So there.”

Look, I don’t mean to offend. But a beer belly fanny pack is disturbing. By the way, I know the British definition of a “fanny pack” but that’s what I call it.

Now women can sneak in booze with flasks that resemble what they stick up their butt during their time of the month. Yeah, I know that’s gross.

Yes, it’s a kit in which you make candles with the stuff in your ears. Fortunately it’s one of those prank boxes. So it’s not as truly disgusting as the image depicts.

Look, I understand an electric bottle opener’s useful. But I’m not sure if it’s something you give someone. Besides, a regular corkscrew works just as well.

You’re supposed to use it to replace it when your brain goes wrong as far the description says. Except you can’t really replace your brain. And this is just a plastic balloon.

It’s a candle that cackles like a fireplace for those who don’t have them. Still, think it’s kind of stupid.

Okay, that’s guaranteed to cause some injury. Should probably buy something else for secret Santa.

Makes you seem like you have gooey feet. But they’re not necessarily ideal outdoor wear either.

It’s supposed to hold your iPad while you’re in the car. Perfect when you’re stuck in traffic. Actually it’s a prank pack so it’s probably too good to be true.

A great to tell your Secret Santa you hate them. Because there’s nothing in this jar.

It’s a pair of underwear with Drake’s face on it. Since my sister did a portrait of him in high school, I feel rather tempted to give her one of these.

It’s a calendar featuring pictures of natural features that resemble male genitalia. So you can spend all month arguing how some National Monument looks like a penis.

From Refinery29: “The kind of people who like to text in full paragraphs do not need any encouragement, please.” Costs $89.

From Refinery29: “For those moments when lying around with your tablet is still too much effort.” Available at $159.00.

From Refinery29: “For the exercise-averse who are also people-averse.” Available at $109.

From Refinery29: “If you don’t have trypophobia already, you will after squeezing one of these things and watching the “blisters protrude from the bag.” Blech.” Disgusting indeed.

From Refinery29: “Ever wonder what happened with the world’s supply of CD-ROMs? A man named Dick in Chicago turned them into clocks and is now marketing them to our youth.” Besides, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez aren’t together anymore.

From Refinery29: “This is a toy that will get you arrested for playing in public.” Still, looks like fun.

From Refinery29: “Like a firm hand on your back forcing you to sit up straighter — all the time.” Doesn’t look comfortable.

Refinery29: “Transform that tacky bottle of three-buck Chuck you’re gifting this season into the most festive bunch of barrel-chested revelers you ever did see!” Perfect for any ugly sweater party. Or not.

From Refinery29: “Who wouldn’t want a handsome, velveteen box — with engraved money clip or 9-in-1 tool — just bursting with sodium nitrate?” Uh, me.

From Refinery29: “Don’t you love when the lights are out, you’re burning your favorite candle, and it slowly melts to reveal a cluster of wraiths trapped in a ghostly embrace?” Okay, that’s really creepy.

The office gift exchange item that enhances your desk’s tackiness. Still, I really don’t know what to think of this.

It’s for stress relief which you can squeeze. Yet, in an age of Trump, you better go with a voodoo doll.

They’re pastel lollipops with ants in them. Try licking these without wanting to puke.

Because while a guy has his man cave, a woman needs a space of her own. Still, this is pretty tacky.

That way, you can always know which people outside your home use the bathroom. Still, this is something I’d want if I have celebrities at my home.

Now your pet can experience the blessings of overpriced housing. Seriously, this is ridiculous.

Think of it as a lazy way to get someone to serve you a drink. But ring too many times and they’ll refuse.

That way, you can clean the floors as you walk. They may be cute, but would anyone ask for these?

A great way to remind your friend why you don’t invite them to pool parties anymore. Though a cap of “I Poop in Pools” would be worse.

Includes disposable gloves, antiseptic wipes, and a toilet seat cover. Perfect for the germaphobe in your life.

For nothing refreshes the room like your dog puking on the floor. Disgusting.

Now you can light a candle to worship the patron saint of fitness. Though that might make your loved one say, “Who’s Richard Simmons?”

Sure it’s supposed to make a man look like a Civil War general. Well, a Civil War general from cheap battle reenactment.

Just add water and you have a new pair of tidy whiteys. Actually, I’m not sure if this works.

It’s basically the kind of makeup brush every young woman wanted when she was 6. She may like it, but is getting this a good idea?

The kind of box you use to sneak some of those joints in. Except in Colorado, Washington State, and Massachusetts.

It’s for getting people to stay away from the messes you make. Like when your dog pukes on the carpet. Or does its business on the carpet.

Remember Paris Hilton? Here’s a perfume of hers. Prepare to reek of rich bitch with no brains or talent.

Because why stick pins into a doll while you can use a pencil for a paper one. Perfect for anyone suffering through the Trump administration. Like me.

For the friend who lives far removed from civilization that he’s willing to make conversation with inanimate objects. Based on the Tom Hanks movie.

Yes, we all love to make fun of Nic Cage. He just has that intense stare. Though his career has never recovered since the 1990s.

For a real beast in the kitchen. Good for protecting hands as well as letting everyone know who really gets the cookies.

Includes everything you need to find Sasquatch. Consists of stickers, a membership card, evidence flags, booklet, magnifier, seat bags, and more. Like you’ll ever find the guy.

Now your man can be ready for business time and bed. Though the sweat band kind of detracts.

So if you have to go at night, you don’t need to turn on the light in the bathroom. Useful but not desirable.

From White Elephant Rules: “This rubber coaster makes it look like you’re crushing a little man with your coffee cup. Who wouldn’t enjoy that?”

These are crazy straws for adults which costs $350. Certainly a rip off for the ages.

From B+C: “As the dudes at Manready Mercantile describe, the idea behind this product was to ‘keep restrooms smelling like royalty.’ One question: When did restrooms ever smell like royalty? All reasonable questions aside, this citrus-inspired scent would be a welcome change in the loo.”

It’s a man soap for his privates. A subtle way to tell your boyfriend that he has sweaty, smelly, and grimy junk.

Since when did David Hasselhoff have a music career? Nevertheless, it probably sounds as good as anything by William Shatner or Terry Bradshaw.

I’m sure anyone who loves the great outdoors would want to sleep on a slice of pizza with plush toppings of broccoli, mushrooms, and olives. Available on Etsy for $200.

Because who doesn’t dream about being inside a steaming hot mass of starch, sour cream, and chives. Includes butter pillow. Also available on Etsy for $200.

According the the product description, “The narwhal is an arctic-dwelling whale that has been called ”the unicorn of the sea” due to its long pointy tusk. There is debate about the true purpose of this tusk, but finally the truth is revealed! The narwhal uses its tusk to impale the cute animals of the world, specifically baby seals, baby penguins and koalas.” Includes 4 magical tusks and 3 adorable animals to impale. Not sure the koala and baby penguin is included since they usually live in the Canadian Arctic. Besides, it’s only the males sport the iconic tusks.

There’s nothing like a lung ashtray to remind the smoker in your life that they’re making themselves susceptible to respiratory disease. Perhaps stick to Nicorette gum instead.

Because shouldn’t that special someone in your life get their wine like they get their coffee? Also, box of wine is so overrated.

Because no gift says, “I found something that might help you catch up with work while you’re stuck in traffic” like this. And I’m sure it’s even worse if one receives during the office party.

These are dolls who have fantasy pets that leave magic poops. There’s at least 6 of them and each pet has a unique poop. I’m not kidding about this.

Want to play foot piano when you’re on the pot? Now you can. Even includes a songbook.

These not only let you hear music but also keep your ears warm at the same time. As if using earbuds underneath my earmuffs wasn’t a problem for me already.

From Marie Claire: “Much like photographing infants decorated with fake leaves in flowerpots, the dog moustache is just plain cruel. But hey, this type of torture only costs $10 — those photos of babies in flowerpots are way pricier.”

From Marie Claire: “Want to make your friend feel totally worthless this holiday season? Buy her a bottle of perfume…for her dog.” Costs $44. Seriously, dogs don’t need this and don’t want it either. A rawhide bone or squeaky toy is a much better choice.

From Marie Claire: “Does your giftee need a break from watching paint dry? Now she can watch butter melt…a little faster this holiday season with help from this butter warmer.”

From Marie Claire: “We’re not rushing to call PETA about this one, but something about using fish bowls as bookends rubs us the wrong way.” Yeah, like fish bowls shouldn’t be used for bookends.

Because if they can be used to absorb menstrual blood, they should be great on your feet. Excuse me, but this is just in bad taste.

I understand this is a gag gift. But would anyone want to be caught dead wearing these? Or receiving them? I think not.

You guessed it, overalls for wine bottles. Even has a pocket for a special message. As if you can’t just give the bottle with a special message already. This is stupid.

It’s the kind of pillow that allows you to nap on your desk while on the job. Might be the kind of gift that says, “I hear you don’t get enough sleep and are under a lot of stress.”

After all, who can’t resist the smell of greased up meat? Might attract unwanted attention from animals.

For nothing says minty freshness like smelling like something you ate for breakfast. Honestly, nobody wants their breath to smell like bacon.

Now you can get your morning shower and your coffee at the same time. By the way, it’s actually not a real product.

From Film Jackets: “This one will be particularly helpful for my dad. He often forgets which is the butt side and face side of a towel. My dad should love this, given that he is always paranoid by who used his towel and to whip what.”

Sure a dancing cat speaker might be cute. But c’mon, would you really want a cat dancing to your favorite songs on your mp3 device? No.

It’s a calculator that resembles a bar of chocolate. I’m sure this gift will spell disappointment for many.

The kind of gift that tells a woman that she might be sporting a mustache and should act accordingly. Guys, if you’re planning on giving this to your girlfriend, expect to be dumped.

Because why be bored on the pot when you can use it to expand your mind? Seriously, I find this kind of sick.

The kind of gift that tells the recipient that their heart is as cold as ice. Best to give enemies who have no power over you or Donald Trump.

From Neatorama: “They say Defrosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul. With a carrot nose and two eyes made out of coal. He used to call the kids to come laugh and play. Sadly, however, he melted away on some hot winter day. But don’t be sad. Rumors are he will come back some day in a very useful way. Each Defrosty The Snowman Ice Cubes set comes with re-usable ice cubes shaped like lumps of coal and bright orange carrots. They are a wonderful way to commemorate your favorite melted snowman.”

The kind of gift that’s received by the lowliest frat brother everyone makes fun of. Wearer must have great balance and high tolerance for public humiliation. Yes, this is a very dumb product, indeed.

Let a fish do the fishing for you and it’s great on land, too. This is a actually prank gift that’s making fun of the wildlife cameras they use on nature shows.

From Refinery29: “Just like certain potential partners, this candle has no chill.” Not sure what this smells like.

From Refinery29: “Shot glasses you can’t wash? You shouldn’t have!” Let’s just say if you can’t wash glasses, they’re not worth it.

The gift that not only tells someone they’re fat but also compares them to a barn animal. Talk about adding insult to injuring.

From Refinery29: “The only thing the gift of Lyfe Tea says is that you follow too many D-list celebrities on Instagram.” Also costs $55.95 as in “overpriced.”

From Refinery29: “Not sure what’s more offensive: Donald Trump himself or that someone thought this looked remotely like Donald Trump.” How about having him as president?

From Refinery29: “Which is worse? To have tangled necklaces or to keep this thing on your dresser?” Costs $58, by the way.

From Refinery29: “Look, just because a lady loves a good nap, does not make her the world’s laziest mammal who only comes out of her tree to pee.” Or eat if you put it accurately.

From Refinery29: “Tell the tot in your life that he’s as precious as a bucket of chum.” Then again, the kid does seem happy with his shark sleeping bag. But it’s pretty disturbing.

From Refinery29: “Nope. We can already spot the cutesy little jokes you’re going to make when you hand this over, and just no. Shut it down. “

From Refinery29: “Ugh. Is this going to be one of those sexist books that assume we don’t sleep with our plush Daleks every night, and have strong opinions about the de-canonization of the Star Wars Expanded Universe?”

From Refinery29: “So what if she takes three days to answer your texts and never pays you back for brunch? Holidays are a time when families come together and we all pretend we love each other.”

From Refinery29: “I told you to medium chop the onions and dice the shallots, YOU IDIOT. ” Talk about a gift for the obsessive chef.

From Refinery29: “Know what we hate worse than egg-white omelets? Watching a gaping-mawed Goldeen slurp up the yolks and barf them out into a separate bowl.”

From Refinery29: “Ladies have always known The Sharper Image was a great source for on-the-low “neck massagers.” Now, it’s guys’ turns, with this gently undulating plastic mitten.” Costs $129.

From Refinery29: “This year, give the gift that says she’s tall, kinda hairy, and it’s not wise to upset her.” Great to go with a Chewbacca mask though.

What it says from Refinery29: “‘You remind me of Santa Claus. In a good way.’ The question is, what’s more insulting – the fact someone is likening you to Father Christmas, or the fact they finds the resemblance attractive?”

What it says according to Refinery29: “‘I give you the gift of eternal daytime TV-tinged nightmares.’ (Subtext: ‘Because I hate you.’)”

As Refinery29 put it, it says: “I really think we need to get the Bates Motel vibe going on in the bathroom — then we can relive the Psycho shower scene as part of our morning routine!”

From Refinery29: “If someone you know has recently been rocked by the death of a dearly loved one, probably the best thing you can do is gift them with a reminder of their tragic loss. One that dangles darkly from their Christmas tree, inscribed with a poem that’s a heart-jabbing combination of sadness and schmaltz. What better way to cast a bitterly painful pall over the holiday season?”

From Refinery29: “This anatomically correct grandpa-baby is the stuff toddler nightmares are made of. Ed Asner, is that you?”

From Refinery29: “We love the Tria, but remember what we said about products that are best purchased for oneself? Giving this for the holidays is a heartwarming way to let your loved one know you’ve noticed their unsightly upper-lip problem — and it looks like it can only be solved by lasers.”

From Refinery29: “Finally, a festive throw full of stalker-y sentiments to curl up under while your bunny boils gently on the stove top.” Available at Sky Mall for $69.95.

From Refinery29: “Not that there’s anything wrong with a cheery, pepper-red spud sack that promises to create a ‘unique steam packet’ and delivers ‘perfect potatoes in four minutes.’ And holds up to four potatoes. And softens day-old bread, too. It’s just the type of gift that says to your recipient, ‘You look like you’d like to gorge on four potatoes and stale bread — AND QUICK.'”

From Refinery29: “Hey, giftee! Your cuticles look drier than the Sahara. Here, feed your hands to this monster with dyspepsia.”

From Refinery29: “Nothing like the one-two punch of a gift that simultaneously says, “You’re probably a financial dunce,” and “Don’t count on that 401k, kiddo.” We’d be really, really worried if we got this from our boss.”

From Cracked: “Luckily, one plucky mammary researcher is fighting the impending boobocalypse with the Kush Support Breast Separator, a piece of in-no-way-phallic plastic that can be stuck between the breasts to prevent undue contact.” Seriously, a breast separator? Does any woman need that? Thought so.

Now you can sharpen a pencil through the nostril. Guaranteed to freak out people you work or go to school with.

From Telegraph: “This isn’t a sheepskin coat, though that would probably be bad enough. No, this is a dressing gown that looks a little bit like a sheepskin coat. On the plus side, that does mean you won’t be tempted to leave the house in it.”

From the Telegraph: “Painfully, years after they first became so widely-worn, they’re still going strong. However, if you know someone who willingly wears these on their feet, there should be no reason why they’ll not happily use this to carry their phone around.”

Great for storing toothpicks and wishing ill on your enemies. Goes great with Voodoo doll pincushion.

From Film Jacket: “You can gift it to any Republican fan, and he will love it until he starts reading it. After that, I can’t guarantee anything. This is the newest rendition of “The Little Red Book” by Chairman Mao and is being termed as “The Little Bad Book” by D.J Trump.”

From Neatorama: “If you like drinks that are so strong that they’re practically poison, this is the glass for you: Polluted Glass, shaped like a ‘lil 55-gallon drum used by Evil Big Corp to dump their toxic waste.”

Because his Santa Claus only comes out once a year. Seriously, a dick Santa hat?

From Neatoshop: “Let the oil of the cobra cleanse you! The Snake Oil Soap contains real cobra oil and can help clean your skin like a magical elixir which secret is passed down from generations to generations of handwashers. Would we lie to you? ;)” Sorry, but this is probably just either regular soap or soap that has no benefits.

From Neatorama: “Do you secretly wish you were a rebel with perfectly slicked back hair? Recapture the wild youth you never had with the Switchblade Folding Pocket Comb from the NeatoShop! Pretending to be a delinquent has never been so fun!”

From Film Jacket: “And behold the gift I have chosen to give to my old man. Just to make him admit that there are not only bad but worst Christmas gifts too. Despite what the name suggests it is not a ring, it just farts as soon as you open it. Making you feel embarrassed in front of the whole family. I have this moon ring all packed very decorously, and I will present it to him as humbly I can. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he opens it.”

From Divine Secrets of A Domestic Diva: “Do you have a guy in your life that never wants to sacrifice comfort for fashion? Does he prefer sweats to suits and you just want to see him get a little dressier from time to time? Well, wait no longer because compromise has never been more comfortable with the Traxedo! That’s right, the Traxedo is the offspring of combining the dressy look of a tux and the comfort of a track suit! Available in powder blue, red, black, green and orange!”

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Turn your man’s regular bike into something that looks and sounds like a real motorcycle! The set includes 3 Turbospoke Motocards, acoustic Exhaust Pipe, 15 custom Turbospoke decals, universal fitting clamp and tools. Fits 95% of bikes with wheels over 16″ and is perfect for any guy who’s a kid at heart!”

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: ” Do you know a guy who is always losing the remote? With this giant universal remote that doubles as a pillow, he’ll have a hard time misplacing it when it’s under his head!”

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: ” I can’t imagine the bravery it would take to present a woman, your mother or the mother of your children no less, this exercise bike that doubles as a washing machine. Personally, the only thing I loathe more than exercising is doing the laundry. Approach this gift idea with extreme caution.”

From Slap Dash Mom: “Wow! Save $55.00! It’s ONLY $545.00! I don’t know how I will ever contain myself.” Seriously, that makes someone look like a walking tent.

From Slap Dash Mom: “For $9.69 you can give someone butts. Sweet! So maybe, just maybe, if you know someone with a really messed up and twisted sense of humor (like myself), this could be considered a good gift. I think it’s one I’d like to give to someone that really hates cats. Double Whammy!”

Because there’s nothing that brings in the spirit of the holidays like reading about what death row inmates ate just before their execution. That’s disturbing.

Now the process of civil litigation can be fun for the whole family. What more can you want?

Because why should only women receive gifts that insult their bodies? Also, resembles some tight S&M get up.

The kind of Christmas gift that would make one at a loss for words. Mostly because they couldn’t say how tacky it is.

It’s the kind of gift that says, “I knew you liked My Little Pony but wanted to say it in the most embarrassing way possible.” Yeah, I don’t think any guy would want these.

Because there’s nothing that smells so sweet like raw fish. Okay, not all sushi has raw fish or even fish, but you know what I mean. Available for women.

Yes, I know it’s from the movie and it’s a cheap imitation of Rose’s necklace. But still, jewelry that commemorates the 100th anniversary a major disaster that killed over 1,500 people isn’t romantic. It’s extremely insensitive.

From Huffington Post: “It’s a struggle to come up with a practical use for this. Unless you have some really kleptomaniacal dinner guests, we’re not sure why you need an armadillo to protect your beer.”

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “I don’t even know what to say about this 1st place winner of the 2012 PBR Craft Show, so I’ll just tell you what amazon says…Give your favorite brew a manly mane of (facial?) hair with the Beard Koozie. Made from crafting fur that’s mounted to a stretchy band for maximum beer container compatibility, they feature a “mouth” opening to let a portion of the label shine through, and will instantly make you the coolest drunk at the party. I’m not sure there’s ever going to be a burlier – or funnier – way to drink a beer.”

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Do you know someone who is always losing their remotes? Do they seem to just get up and walk away? Well, I’d love to see them try while they were stuck to their head! Never lose another remote! What a practical gift! Unfortunately, this is another DIY, and is not yet available in stores.”

It’s the kind of gift for him that says he smells at his crotch region even after taking a shower. Yes, not going to go well.

From Store Envy: “Spray the Bitch Away— An aromatherapy spray/ perfume for when you’re irritated, pissed off, annoyed, tired, peeved, frustrated, enraged, or have an overall bad attitude!” A good way to remind your friend about their temper and piss them off.

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Let’s call a spade a spade on this one. This is entrapment. Who hasn’t had a morning where you want to sleep in and tell your toddler to go make breakfast themselves? With this automated cereal dispenser, you can pretend you toddler is a cat and they can eat what they can dispense while you sleep in.”

Because why show your pet affection when there’s a contraption that can do it for you? With this you can never touch your pets again. Okay, this is a joke.

Because your little one is never too young to stink like someone from France. Seriously, baby perfume? Why?

From NBC News: “Wicked Laser’s Spyder III is quite simply the most powerful handheld laser that you can legally own. In fact, when it was released earlier this year, references describing it as a “lightsaber” were enough to catch the attention of George Lucas’ legal team. That having been said, its 1,000 mW blue laser output is powerful enough to burn holes in plastic, flesh, eyeballs, etc. — and this brings me to my point. Nothing good can come from owning one. The only real function of the Spyder III, it seems, is to draw the attention of the police should you ever point it at someone else or at any aircraft that happens to be flying overhead.” Costs $300.

From NBC News: “Soaps, lotions and oils are old standby gifts during the holidays, but this soap helps you clean those hard to reach areas … like the ones underneath your skin. Yes indeed, that’s a real razor blade in there — and the glycerin in the soap will oxidize the metal over time. So how about a simultaneous shower and a shave with a rusty metal blade? Let’s just hope that it comes with a tetanus-fresh scent.”

From Dave Barry: “If you’re looking to give a unique gift that will definitely “make an impression,” consider coyote urine. It comes in a convenient bottle, and it has countless uses. For example, you can sprinkle some on the ground around your house or garden, and small pests, thinking that a coyote has recently urinated there, will avoid the area. On the other hand, the urine might actually attract coyotes, not to mention larger animals such as wolves and bears that are interested in eating coyotes. So you could wind up having a very exciting yard. And that’s only one of the uses of coyote urine. We frankly don’t know what the other ones are. Maybe if you got called in by the IRS for an audit, you could sprinkle it on your tax records, and maybe that would scare off the auditor. There is only one way to find out.”

From Dave Barry: “Why would you give somebody black toilet paper? To answer that question, let’s quote the Amazon Product Description: ‘Black toilet paper will make a statement in any bathroom.’ Ask yourself: Do you know anybody who would NOT want to make a statement in the bathroom? Neither do we! That’s why we think you should give black toilet paper to everybody on your holiday list. It’s that very special kind of gift that makes everyone say, ‘I can’t tell whether this has been used.'”

From Dave Barry: “This product — another scientific beauty advance from Japan — is a brassiere that you wear on your head. If we understand it correctly, it pulls your cheeks sideways, thereby eliminating those lines on the side of your nose and mouth that make you look like the old witch who gave the apple to Snow White. Of course, it seems to us that when you take the face bra off, the lines would come right back. But what do we know? We’re just a gift guide. And that’s why we recommend this product as the perfect way to send the festive holiday message: ‘You’re looking old.'”

It’s the combination of a vacuum cleaner and a riding mower. Only you use it to clean your floor. Still, God I hate vacuums.

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “One time I was a guest on the Dr. Oz Show, and I told a joke about how long and lean were adjectives that once described my legs, but now it more aptly describes my breasts (true story, you can see me in the clip here starting around 1 minute in). Anyway, there’s not much I can do at this point other than roll them up like sardines and stuff them into my bra because plastic surgery isn’t an option. But now there’s a solution – and it’s less than $30! Introducing Bosom Gravity Defying Boob Glue! Now instead of stuffing them into place, only to have them fall flat moments later, I’d be able to glue those bad boys into place! As one of the reviewers said, “This is my new breast friend!” I’m going to ask for four bottles to start with because I’ve got a lot of gravity defying to do.”

Now you can make that liver destroying alcoholic stuff without the bathtub. Seriously, gin is one of the worst things for you.

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Who doesn’t love a nice hoodie? If you want to give something a little snazzier than the same old gear, go for this reversible Disco deal! If you really want to jazz it up check out the matching vest, shorts and bikini top. Look out – the Holidays just got HAWT!”

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “No, not baking soda, Bacon Soda. Now I love bacon as much as the next girl, maybe a little more even, but there are some things I don’t want my bacon in – like perfume/cologne, coffee, wine and soda. However, if you want to give the gift that keeps on giving, check out their bacon of the month club!”

These are bacon scented dryer sheets and includes a wall dispenser to give you a breakfast fresh scent. Okay, it’s a prank box. But just because you love the smell of bacon doesn’t mean you’d love it on your clothes.

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Does your man’s corporate day job leave you fantasizing about a tougher tatted man? Problem solved with the tattoo sleeves! Your man can sport his suit by day and these sexy tattoo sleeves by night,or maybe your Grandpa has always wanted to go a little wild. Really, who wouldn’t love this gift- and all for less than $20 (while the sale lasts!)”

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “That yodeling pickle got me thinking about going “green,” so this next item shows your recipient that you love the environment just as much as you love them. And really, what doesn’t say love like a reusable cup you use during your period? I’d write more but I don’t want to spoil the details.”

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “These white bikini jeans would be a hit at the office party…talk about casual Fridays! Hot! Just do not pair with the Hot Pink Pubic Hair Dye. I’m sure it would show through and that would just be tacky.”