NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition) (Third Edition)

elf

Parents, it’s that time of year again when Santa sends his little visitor to your children’s home in order to monitor their behavior to make sure they’re good enough for Christmas presents when the big guy visits himself. Yet, be warned that these creepy sprites tend to act very badly when nobody’s looking. And I mean badly in terms of they do stuff that you wouldn’t even dare mention to your little ones. Sure I’ve done an Elf on the Shelf post 2 years in a row, and believe me, there is a lot of crazy shit your family elf can do. After all, an elf can only “move” whenever residents are asleep or away from home, so hours of no supervision can really get to your elf’s head. And since so many elves in so many houses don’t adhere to behavioral standards, I highly suggest parents need to keep an eye on their resident Elf on the Shelf and report professional misconduct on the Internet with aid of a camera. So when you see your resident elf behaving inappropriately, take a picture, show it on the Internet to let your friends know, and call this hotline to report it to Santa at 1-800-555-BAD-ELF1. And now for your reading pleasure, I give you even more instances of Elves on the Shelves that squarely belong on Santa’s “naughty list.” Warning: most of the pictures aren’t for kids and aren’t safe for work.

  1. Oh, no, what the hell happened to Gristlecrumbs?
Okay, so the dogs at him for being creepy. Sure it was a very naughty thing but I couldn't blame them.

Okay, so the dogs at him for being creepy. Sure it was a very naughty thing but I couldn’t blame them.

2. Nice to see Frickles being informed about current events.

Did he just take a dump in that wine glass? Shouldn't he go somewhere else like an elf toilet?

Did he just take a dump in that wine glass? Shouldn’t he go somewhere else like an elf toilet?

3. For Blinkyskins, fat bottomed girls make the rockin’ world go round.

"Are you gonna take me home tonight ?/Ah down beside that red firelight/Are you gonna let it all hang out ?/Fat bottomed girls/You make the rockin' world go round"

“Are you gonna take me home tonight ?/Ah down beside that red firelight/Are you gonna let it all hang out ?/Fat bottomed girls/You make the rockin’ world go round”

4. Noel would like to say something for the Ferguson family.

Hey, Noel, nice you can remind us why you're late and all. But please, not in front of the kids.

Hey, Noel, nice you can remind us why you’re late and all. But please, not in front of the kids.

5. Seems like Dinkler has a message for the Granger family.

Okay, is that "murder." Jesus Christ, God help this family. Because Dinkler may be on the homicidal side.

Okay, is that “murder.” Jesus Christ, God help this family. Because Dinkler may be on the homicidal side.

6. Jingle Bell is enjoying a nice quiet movie night with Ken.

Okay, I don't think Barbie will like this. But Jingle Bell doesn't seem to care one bit.

Okay, I don’t think Barbie will like this. But Jingle Bell doesn’t seem to care one bit.

7. No, Blinkle, you don’t light Max on fire!

Yet, he could just as well be trying to light his farts. Either way, this really doesn't bode well for him.

Yet, he could just as well be trying to light his farts. Either way, this really doesn’t bode well for him.

8. “I have you now, Rudolph!”

No, Crumby, you don't pull a knife on Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Hell, you don't pull a knife on anybody.

No, Crumby, you don’t pull a knife on Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Hell, you don’t pull a knife on anybody.

9. “So, ladies, how do we proceed from here?”

Think Freckles has a very dirty mind and a bit of a smoking habit. Clearly, he's not fit to monitor the Westover kids.

Think Freckles has a very dirty mind and a bit of a smoking habit. Clearly, he’s not fit to monitor the Westover kids at this point.

10. Looks like Grimler got into Daddy’s secret drawer.

Did he just get into Daddy's condoms and lube? No, I don't think that plastic thing is a hat, Grimler.

Did he just get into Daddy’s condoms and lube? No, I don’t think that plastic thing is a hat, Grimler.

11. Pinkleskins, how dare you dress like Miley Cyrus at the VMAs.

Apparently, he thought Miley's VMA performance in 2013 was worth remembering. He is sorely mistaken.

Apparently, he thought Miley’s VMA performance in 2013 was worth remembering. He is sorely mistaken.

12. Seems like some of Andy’s toys have taken quite well to Minter.

Is Minter drinking and playing poker with Woody, Buzz, and Rex? Jesus, now my childhood is ruined.

Is Minter drinking and playing poker with Woody, Buzz, and Rex? Jesus, now my childhood is ruined.

13. Seems like someone really wants Tinkleskins to stick it.

But did they really have to decapitate a My Little Pony? That's just fucked up.

But did they really have to decapitate a My Little Pony? That’s just a fucked up way to make an offer he can’t refuse.

14. What did Quinty get himself tied up in this time?

I don't know about you. But if he got this way through BDSM, he's going be in big trouble after Christmas.

I don’t know about you. But if he got this way through BDSM, he’s going be in big trouble after Christmas.

15. Oh, my God, not you, too Wrinklebrush!

What's with the Miley Cyrus routine? Then again, seems like the plushies like it which is disturbing.

What’s with the Miley Cyrus routine? Then again, seems like the plushies like it which is disturbing.

16. No, Hinkly, Mr. Ruskin will not like you getting into his wallet.

Boy, is he going to be in for a world of trouble when Mr. Ruskin gets home. Hinkly ought to be ashamed of himself.

Boy, is he going to be in for a world of trouble when Mr. Ruskin gets home. Hinkly ought to be ashamed of himself.

17. “Say your prayers for stealing Christmas, Grinch!”

Dankles, just because the Grinch doesn't like Christmas doesn't mean you could kill him! And a la Dexter on top of presents? That's fucked up!

Dankles, just because the Grinch doesn’t like Christmas doesn’t mean you could kill him! And a la Dexter on top of presents? That’s fucked up!

18. Looks like Clinky has taken some time off at the North Pole.

What the hell is he doing to Santa? Why the hell is the Abominable Snowman taking pictures? This is messed up on so many levels.

What the hell is he doing to Santa? Why the hell is the Abominable Snowman taking pictures? This is messed up on so many levels.

19. Elfie wants to tell Santa to stick it on Christmas Eve.

Seems like Santa doesn't treat his Elves on the Shelves too well. That or Elfie is such a prick. I don't know how workplace relations are at the North Pole.

Seems like Santa doesn’t treat his Elves on the Shelves too well. That or Elfie is such a prick. I don’t know how workplace relations are at the North Pole.

20. Seems like the Vitales couldn’t handle any more of Winkleross’s insane antics.

Guess this what happens to an Elf on the Shelf if they've behaved really naughty during the Christmas season. Guess it was for the best.

Guess this what happens to an Elf on the Shelf if they’ve behaved really naughty during the Christmas season. Perhaps it was for the best.

21. Seems like the Lego people have had enough of Sugar Plum.

Of course, everyone should've know it would come to this. The Lego people were against him from the very beginning.

Of course, everyone should’ve know it would come to this. The Lego people were against him from the very beginning.

22. Vinklevoss apparently takes well to sheep.

No, that's not how you treat a sheep. Bestiality is depraved and wrong for a reason. And no, the animals don't like it.

No, that’s not how you treat a sheep. Bestiality is depraved and wrong for a reason. And no, the animals don’t like it.

23. Let us leave and give Trinkler his privacy.

Is he licking that candy cane through a glory hole? Please don't tell me it's as dirty as it looks.

Is he licking that candy cane through a glory hole? Please don’t tell me it’s as dirty as it looks.

24. Oh, look, Elksie made a pie. Isn’t that sweet?

Uh, on second thought, maybe it's better to pass. Because I don't want to know what's in it. Also, that looks like a finger.

Uh, on second thought, maybe it’s better to pass. Because I don’t want to know what’s in it. Also, that looks like a finger.

25. Okay, what the hell’s going on with Rinky?

Guess the toys have had enough with him that they put him in a blender and served him as a smoothie. Yes, that's really sick, indeed.

Guess the toys have had enough with him that they put him in a blender and served him as a smoothie. Yes, that’s really sick, indeed.

26. Aww, Finley just spelled out Santa in blocks.

On second thought, he spelled out "Satan." And I'm not sure if he did it by accident.

On second thought, he spelled out “Satan.” And I’m not sure if he did it by accident.

27. No, Quinkler, don’t you dare hold Barbie hostage!

He even wrote a ransom note for Ken in the meantime requesting unmarked bills to his lawyer. Or else, Barbie gets it. Ken, I think you might want to take the deal.

He even wrote a ransom note for Ken in the meantime requesting unmarked bills to his lawyer. Or else, Barbie gets it. Ken, I think you might want to take the deal.

28. Sometimes Pinker just pisses off the wrong people.

Queen Elsa is perhaps the last person he'd want to piss off right now. Because he's now a giant ice cube. Hope he likes dealing with hypothermia.

Queen Elsa is perhaps the last person he’d want to piss off right now. Because he’s now a giant ice cube. Hope he likes dealing with hypothermia.

29. Guess Rumple messed with the Caped Crusader for the last time.

Sure Batman doesn't like killing, Rumple. But you must've done something really bad for him to hang you into the toilet.

Sure Batman doesn’t like killing, Rumple. But you must’ve done something really bad for him to hang you into the toilet.

30. What the hell are Tingle and Chuckie doing to Frosty the Snowman?

No, don't put him through the grater? Anything but the grater? Poor, Frosty.

No, don’t put him through the grater? Anything but the grater? Poor, Frosty.

31. Finnegan always enjoys going online.

I think it's best that the Quincys no longer allow him access to their technology ever again. Seriously, he can no longer be trusted.

I think it’s best that the Quincys no longer allow him access to their technology ever again. Seriously, he can no longer be trusted.

32. “I have plans for you, Tinkerbell.”

No, Finney, please don't. Sure Tinkerbell is annoying, but that gives you no right to set her house on fire.

No, Finney, please don’t. Sure Tinkerbell is annoying, but that gives you no right to set her house on fire.

33. “Hello, witches, show me your tits!”

Guess whatever happens in Oz, stays in Oz. Or at least we hope. But it seems that Kingsley has made them an offer.

Guess whatever happens in Oz, stays in Oz. Or at least we hope. But it seems that Kingsley has made them an offer.

34. Did Nibbler just decapitate Barbie? Holy shit!

Oh, God, he did! And he's saying that the Mullins family are next. They better call the police.

Oh, God, he did! And he’s saying that the Mullins family are next. They better call the police.

35. Inkling always loves to camp out in the great indoors.

Did he just shoot Rudolph and hang him from sticks to drain the blood? Santa's going to be furious.

Did he just shoot Rudolph and hang him from sticks to drain the blood? Santa’s going to be furious.

36. Seems like Prattle partied with the GI Joes while the Farquars were gone.

And it seems the GI Joes had him drink a lot of beer in the meantime. Wait until Santa hears about this.

And it seems the GI Joes had him drink a lot of beer in the meantime. Wait until Santa hears about this.

37. “Okay, ladies, it’s now lights, camera, action!”

The Morrises knew that Linky was into making films. They didn't know the kind of movies he made. Yes, he's deep shit.

The Morrises knew that Linky was into making films. They didn’t know the kind of movies he made. Yes, he’s deep shit.

38. Guess the chalupa was too much for Vinny.

Okay, that's really disgusting. But I'm sure it can be easily flushed away. Yeah, he's got diarrhea real bad.

Okay, that’s really disgusting. But I’m sure it can be easily flushed away. Yeah, he’s got diarrhea real bad.

39. What does Frinkleflam have here?

Jesus, did he ever learn from Elf on the Shelf school that the parents' toys are strictly off limits? Seriously, he wouldn't want to be caught dead with a dildo.

Jesus, did he ever learn from Elf on the Shelf school that the parents’ toys are strictly off limits? Seriously, he wouldn’t want to be caught dead with a dildo.

40. For a good time, call Buddy.

I hope it's not for what I think it is. Though I'm probably right.

I hope it’s not for what I think it is. Though I’m probably right as far as I know.

41. Poor, Peeta, he didn’t even stand a chance.

Yes, what elves like Flicker are capable of doing is quite chilling during the Hunger Games. Peeta never stood a chance.

Yes, what elves like Flicker are capable of doing is quite chilling during the Hunger Games. Peeta never stood a chance.

42. Zippy wishes the Bayrocks to sleep tight.

But saying while being near the knives? I really don't like how this will go down.

But saying while being near the knives? I really don’t like how this will go down.

43. That’s nice. Jax invited Rudolph for dinner.

Yet, from how I look at it, Jax wants Rudolph to be the main course. Poor Rudolph.

Yet, from how I look at it, Jax wants Rudolph to be the main course. Poor Rudolph.

44. Unfortunately, Snowballs got ensnared by the Abominable Snowman.

And it seems like this yeti likes to have his meat on the skillet. Not sure if he wants it rare, medium, or well done.

And it seems like this yeti likes to have his meat on the skillet. Not sure if he wants it rare, medium, or well done.

45. Looks like Pinsey doesn’t feel so good.

From what I could tell, he at least had 3 beers. Yeah, that's what a night drinking can do to you.

From what I could tell, he at least had 3 beers. Yeah, that’s what a night drinking can do to you.

46. Seems like Boxy likes to make some money on the side.

Look, Boxy, I understand if Santa doesn't pay you enough. But even if pot's legal in Colorado, doesn't mean you should be selling it. It might look bad in your next performance review.

Look, Boxy, I understand if Santa doesn’t pay you enough. But even if pot’s legal in Colorado, doesn’t mean you should be selling it. It might look bad in your next performance review.

47. Marky, why the hell did you set the gingerbread house on fire?

Now everyone in there will be burnt to a crisp. Jesus, Marky, are you psycho or something?

Now everyone in there will be burnt to a crisp. Jesus, Marky, are you psycho or something?

48. You might not want to look behind the shower curtain.

Seems like Frinkle has a knife on him. And he's out to kill. Stay on your guard.

Seems like Frinkle has a knife on him. And he’s out to kill. Stay on your guard.

49. Nankie and Glinkle, please stop that!

Look, twerking is fine at the North Pole and all. But please, this is a family establishment here!

Look, twerking is fine at the North Pole and all. But please, this is a family establishment here!

50. Mindy and Button always enjoy each other’s company.

For the love of God, please don't try lighting farts this time of year. That could cause a major house fire!

For the love of God, please don’t try lighting farts this time of year. That could cause a major house fire!

51. Himey always likes to explore new places in the Tortini house.

I believe Mrs. Tortini's underwear drawer is strictly off limits. Seriously, Himey, you dare not go in there!

I believe Mrs. Tortini’s underwear drawer is strictly off limits. Seriously, Himey, you dare not go in there!

52. Man, Grinsley is ripped!

Don't tell me he's a male stripper on the side. God, makes me wonder how much Santa pays them.

Don’t tell me he’s a male stripper on the side. God, makes me wonder how much Santa pays them.

53. Wilky, you’re not fooling me with your meth business.

You can wear the yellow suit and mustache all you want to. But you'll still go on the naughty list for this year.

You can wear the yellow suit and mustache all you want to. But you’ll still go on the naughty list for this year.

54. Trixie really takes to the cat for some reason.

No, Trixie, you can't cut the cat's head off. That's just sick and wrong on so many levels.

No, Trixie, you can’t cut the cat’s head off. That’s just sick and wrong on so many levels.

55. Seems like somebody made the cover of Wrapping Paper magazine.

Not sure what I think about the cookies and milk bit. But that's sure not a wholesome elf.

Not sure what I think about the cookies and milk bit. But that’s sure not a wholesome elf.

56. Blizter, let go of the cleaver!

For some reason, it won't end well with the family he's staying with. Chances are you'll regret being on his naughty list.

For some reason, it won’t end well with the family he’s staying with. Chances are you’ll regret being on his naughty list.

57. Winkles has a message for the Bobbsey kids.

Okay, Winkles, that's really not appropriate. Please keep your thoughts about Mrs. Bobbsey to yourself, thanks.

Okay, Winkles, that’s really not appropriate. Please keep your thoughts about Mrs. Bobbsey to yourself, thanks.

58. Moxie always had a mischievous side to her.

But this really goes way too far. For the love of God, please don't pull the lever and start a fire drill.

But this really goes way too far. For the love of God, please don’t pull the lever and start a fire drill.

59. Of course, Mitsy had to dress up as her favorite Star Wars character for the new movie.

Slave Leia, really? Hey, it's okay to like Princess Leia. But a more modest costume is best.

Slave Leia, really? Hey, it’s okay to like Princess Leia. But a more modest costume is best.

60. “I call this a lamb sandwich.”

Sorry, kids, but thanks to Bertie, lambkins is no more. I know it's a real shame.

Sorry, kids, but thanks to Bertie, lambkins is no more. I know it’s a real shame.

61. Before Christmas, Lingle means business.

Looks like he's dressed and ready for a crime spree. Okay, I think someone really needs to call the cops on him.

Looks like he’s dressed and ready for a crime spree. Okay, I think someone really needs to call the cops on him.

62. Mr. Jingles has something to say to the Heaths.

I think the Heaths are now shivering in dread at the moment. Yes, Mr. Jingles is dangerous.

I think the Heaths are now shivering in dread at the moment. Yes, Mr. Jingles is dangerous.

63. “Sorry, but all these Hostess mini muffins are mine!”

Guess Frankle's family is going to be incredibly pissed when they get home. Don't like the sound of that.

Guess Frankle’s family is going to be incredibly pissed when they get home. Don’t like the sound of that.

64. “Come on, Barbie, let’s get out of here.”

Did they just kill Ken? Together? Jesus Christ, Santa won't take this well from Glingle.

Did they just kill Ken? Together? Jesus Christ, Santa won’t take this well from Glingle.

65. Even Gollum thinks Quingle is a bit freaky.

Oh, God, please don't do anything to Gollum! All he wants his is precious the hobbitses stole from him.

Oh, God, please don’t do anything to Gollum! All he wants is his precious the hobbitses stole from him.

66. “Please, come and play with us.”

No, kids, you don't want to play with Ginger and Jenny. They want to kill you.

No, kids, you don’t want to play with Ginger and Jenny. They want to kill you.

67. Seems like Grangy really needs help after what happened last night.

He should hope that this sink doesn't have a garbage disposal. Because he won't last long if it's turned on.

He should hope that this sink doesn’t have a garbage disposal. Because he won’t last long if it’s turned on.

68. “Guess all bets are off, ladies.”

Man, seems like they really get into playing strip poker at that house. Wait a minute?

Man, seems like they really get into playing strip poker at that house. Wait a minute?

69. Guess Frazzle really makes himself at home with these teen boy dolls.

Are they drinking beer and smoking pot? Hope marijuana's legal wherever he is or he's busted.

Are they drinking beer and smoking pot? Hope marijuana’s legal wherever he is or he’s busted.

70. “Sorry, Woody, but a deal’s a deal.”

Did Stinker just behead Woody like that? Jesus, God Almighty. how could he?

Did Stinker just behead Woody like that? Jesus, God Almighty. how could he?

71. I think Frizzle really needs to find some better avenues for his imagination.

He seems to like Fifty Shades of Grey a bit too much. And now he's experimenting BDSM on Barbies.

He seems to like Fifty Shades of Grey a bit too much. And now he’s experimenting BDSM on Barbies.

72. Derry always likes to know what’s going on with the neighbors.

Let's hope he's just birdwatching or stargazing shall we? Because I really don't want to think he's spying on the neighbors as a peeping tom.

Let’s hope he’s just birdwatching or stargazing shall we? Because I really don’t want to think he’s spying on the neighbors as a peeping tom.

73. “Abominable Snowman, why did you have to mess with the time machine?”

Now it seems that Glinko and his friends are about to become a prehistoric banquet. Yeah, it doesn't look good.

Now it seems that Glinko and his friends are about to become a prehistoric banquet. Yeah, it doesn’t look good.

74. Waddly has a confession to make.

It seems that Waddly more than likely killed someone he thought deserved it. Sorry, but vigilantism is a crime for a reason.

It seems that Waddly more than likely killed someone he thought deserved it. Sorry, but vigilantism is a crime for a reason.

75. Bricker always likes to go for a ride.

However, from how I see it, he looks as if he's trying to break into one. Someone call the cops.

However, from how I see it, he looks as if he’s trying to break into one. Someone call the cops.

76. Penny always likes to check out the home copy machine.

And it seems like she's copying an image of her own ass. Now that's just real immature.

And it seems like she’s copying an image of her own ass. Now that’s just real immature.

77. Crinker really needs to cut down on the Reddi Whip.

And the small metal bottles, too. Seriously, Crinker needs help. Does the North Pole have any 12 step programs?

And the small metal bottles, too. Seriously, Crinker needs help. Does the North Pole have any 12 step programs?

78. Ringer, please, don’t disturb the baby.

And he seems to put a screwdriver in the baby's bassinet. Nothing good can come of this.

And he seems to put a screwdriver in the baby’s bassinet. Nothing good can come of this.

79. Querty, what did that North Pole seminar tell you about sexual harassment?

Please don't hang on the mother's tits. I don't care how you might find her attractive. That's just wrong.

Please don’t hang on the mother’s tits. I don’t care how you might find her attractive. That’s just wrong.

80. Minkler, you know very well not to have sexual relations in a stocking.

However, Minkler doesn't really seem to give a shit, does he? Guess he'll have to face a disciplinary hearing when he gets back to the North Pole.

However, Minkler doesn’t really seem to give a shit, does he? Guess he’ll have to face a disciplinary hearing when he gets back to the North Pole.

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