Two years ago, I did a post on vintage Christmas cards that proved to be wildly popular in 2014. And because of that popularity, I decided to do another one, even if it’s so close to Christmas. Now there are plenty of vintage Christmas cards that might make you yearn for the good old days. For instance, this card of a nativity scene would certainly melt your heart with its artistic value despite that almost everyone in it but Balthasar looks way too white. And Jesus looks too old for a 12 day old newborn. Then again, this wasn’t aiming for realism and in Matthew it’s said that Jesus might’ve been a toddler when the magi arrived anyway. Nevertheless, with the exception of Balthasar, if the nativity story was more accurate, everyone should look like they wouldn’t be able to board their plane on time in an American airport. Still, when it comes to sending vintage Christmas cards, you can do worse than sending one with religious connotations. Because there are some cards out there that make you glad you live in the 21st century. And that’s what I’m going to show to you today. So without further adieu, here are some more vintage Christmas cards your grandparents never told you about.
- Most of the year, the Big Bad Wolf wants to harass little pigs with intent to eat them. But on Christmas, they’re having a good old time together.
I don’t know about you. But these pigs should know that this is a wolf in Santa clothing. He wants to eat them. But do they really have a clue? I don’t know.
2. “A Happy Christmas and let me scare you while I’m walking my new teddy bear.”
Oh, please God, please let it be just a toy. But from the look on that girl’s face, it seems that bear might be real and it might maul those other two kids. And she’s taking delight in the possibility.
3. “Santa’s sleeping, quick, let’s take some toys before he wakes up.”
Really, kids? Stealing toys from Santa? Then again, the look on their faces might imply that they intend to do worse things. to St. Nick. The big guy better get up and run for it.
4. Hope sausaging this card will give you a merry Christmas.
Okay, what does “sausage a card” mean exactly? Then again, I’m not sure I want to know. Really, it might mean something dirty.
5. Merry Christmas, now watch Santa give this kid a good spanking.
Man, you think Santa’s a jolly old grandpa. But this one he seems like a child’s worst nightmare. Yeah, Santa’s not real nice when it comes to doling out corporal punishment on minors.
6. Merry Christmas from the Snowman family.
Now here’s Papa snowman about to carve a turkey. Now making one requires putting it in the oven at a high temperature. Which begs the question, how was this possible for Mama snowman to pull that off? Also, what’s with the snow cat and the snow bird?
7. Snowman wishes you to a warm and bright Christmas.
Because since he’s now surrounded by candle’s he’s basically trapped. One step out and he’s a puddle for sure.
8. Seems like this guy has messed with the wrong Christmas dinner. Of course, when they say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy New Year” they mean it in irony.
Now this is just so fucked up. This guy’s basically living a nightmare. I mean the turkeys, gingerbread man, and ham have basically kidnapped him, put him on a spit, and are now going to cook him rotisserie style.
9. Merry Christmas, courtesy of WWII Nazi Germany.
Yes, that’s a German soldier in the background and it seems like it’s from WWII. But those kids singing carols seem so menacing to me for some reason. Wonder if they’re dreaming of a white Christmas, but with them as the master race
10. Of course, no Christmas card post would be complete without examining the Christmas Eve dreams of a young child named Edgar Allan Poe.
For some reason, it appears this kid is having a nightmare on how the toys might be ganging up on him. That Jack-in-the-Box with the flaming hair is especially terrifying to me. And he seems to be rising from a grave.
11. “May your balls be kept out of the rough! Merry Christmas!”
This would make a great one for Tiger Woods since he’s a professional golfer. But I’d change the saying to, “May your balls be kept in your pants!”
12. “Christmas joys be thine.”
Now this is quite freaky. Seems like this pig is walking upright with human hands and is wearing clothes. She’s also using binoculars and carrying a book. Wonder how, oh, I don’t want to know.
13. Merry Christmas, now watch Old St. Nick strike a kid tied to a tree.
Is it just me, or did our ancestors view Santa as a much darker figure than we do today? I mean he’s about to beat a kid who’s tied to a tree. How can you get more messed up than that?
14. “Tis Christmas, dear,/I hope you’ll see,/The joys of Kewpies/On your tree.”
Seriously, those Kewpie dolls are absolutely creepy. I wouldn’t want one anywhere near my house, let alone on a Christmas tree. Also, that girl’s like, “I’ll hug em’ and squeeze em’ and keep em’ for ever and ever.” Gah.
15. Have a festive Christmas as you watch the pinecone guys dance with a sugarplum, candle, and heart cookie.
On second thought, that dance looks like a creepy cult ritual than anything. Doesn’t help that the pine cones have creepy looking faces with gray hair and bears. And the sugar plum looks demonically possessed. This looks like something from nightmares.
16. Merry Christmas greetings from the partying dogs and monkeys.
I don’t know what that monkey is doing with that dog near the chandelier. But it doesn’t look good. That one monkey and dog on the couch seem to have a lively conversation, on the other hand.
17. So I guess these are Scottish dogs, I reckon.
Upright dogs playing bagpipes in plaid. Now I haven’t seen that before. Makes me wonder whether this designer was on too much whiskey or hashish.
18. A Merry Christmas from the kids and the dogs.
Now the siblings in this look rather terrifying to say the least. But my attention is with the dog leading the other dog on the leash. Seriously, what does that mean? And how does that happen? Because that looks so fucked up.
19. Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a dapper rich kid whipping hopeless victim to the wall.
Yes, this is a Victorian card and that boy in the coat is obviously an entitled brat. But that’s not going to help the poor boy’s case, especially when it comes to an umbrella.
20. Merry Christmas, courtesy of good old St. Nicholas, from your nightmares.
For the love of God, I have no idea what’s up with the Germans. It seems to them, that Santa Claus is a shadowing figure bringing toys for the good children while murdering the bad ones in their sleep.
21. Aw, looks like this polar bear and walrus are great friends.
On second thought, that polar bear is looking at the young walrus like it’s a nice chunk of meat for Christmas dinner. The walrus better get out and dodge before the polar bear plans to pounce on him.
22. “May yours be a joyful Christmas.”
Unfortunately, you can’t say the same about this dead bird. Now I wonder why anyone would think it’s a good idea to stick a dead bird on a Christmas card. Is it meant to be ironic to Victorians with a sick sense of humor? Because it totally kills the joyful mood.
23. Let’s see if these Soviet satellites can compete with Santa and his magical space horses.
As you can guess, this is a Soviet Era Christmas card during the Space Race. Because American Santa would be racing with a sleigh of reindeer. But this is just a crazy card nonetheless.
24. Be nice to Santa this year, kids, because he seems to be in a grumpy mood.
Because this year, Santa’s sleigh team went on strike and wrecked his sleigh. So now he’s stuck with this. So be extra good for Christmas this year, kids. Because Santa’s really grumpy.
25. Nothing says “Merry Christmas Greetings” like two gambling pigs playing farkle.
Wonder what these pigs are betting on. Are they gambling to determine which one goes in the oven? Or are they just playing for kicks? Hard to say.
26. “Okay, you ungrateful brat, here you go in my sack.”
Despite the card saying, “Loving Christmas wishes,” it seems that Santa Claus has resorted to child abduction. No word on what the boy’s parents have to say about his sudden Christmas Eve disappearance.
27. Of course, when the toys come alive and surround your bed on Christmas, it can be an unsettling experience, indeed.
Yeah, if I were that kid, I’d be scared shitless, too. Not sure if I’d cling to my bed at the sight of them. Then again, this child will probably not get up the next morning with clean underwear.
28. Nothing says Christmas like a frog dancing with a beetle on the beach.
Now this is freaky on so many levels. Even freakier is the fly playing the tambourine. Now frogs eat insects, right? I think so. Still, this card had to be made on drugs, which is the only sensible explanation.
29. Hey look, there’s Santa with his sack of toys. Wait a minute, those are children!
Yes, those kids look terrifying. But this card implies that Santa is kidnapping children for God’s sake! Seriously, that’s pretty insane if you think about it. And terrifying to say the least.
30. Merry Christmas, courtesy of the Abominable Snowman and Sasquatch.
Seems like Bigfoot and the yeti are in a fight to the death this winter. And it seems the squatch is digging his claws into the Abominable Snowman. But who will win remains to be seen.
31. “Wishing you a Merry Christmas and we are hoping to see your face again soon.”
Uh, guys, I hate to break it to you. But I don’t think Dave is coming back after falling in the frozen lake like that. Well, unless someone pulls his feet and tries to save his ass. Which is what none of you are doing.
32. “Freeze, Santa, your toys or your life!”
Something tells me that these children have been very bad this year and don’t like how Santa didn’t visit their homes. So they came in retaliation to steal his sack of toys.
33. This Christmas, it’s time to get kinky with the Krampus.
Now this looks pretty messed up to say the least. Is he trying to punish this woman? Or is that just the way he likes to make love? Also, what’s with the golden handcuffs?
34. Now here is the Krampus morbidly showing off a child he drowned.
Now that’s just scary beyond all reason. Yeah, I wonder what the Krampus did to that kid. Then again, maybe I don’t want to know.
35. Sometimes Krampus and St. Nicholas like to carpool on the town to pick up chicks.
Okay, so that’s what they mean. For some reason, the ladies don’t seem to mind so much. But from St. Nick’s face, he doesn’t seem to have good feeling about this.
36. “Sweet Adelaide, would you do me the honor of becoming Mrs. Krampus?”
Adelaide, no, don’t do it. Please for the love of God, don’t do it. Sure he may be a lonely Krampus, but it’s not like Beauty and the Beast. I swear it’s not.
37. Of course, when it comes to Krampus kidnapping the parents, the kids don’t seem to mind.
Yes, kids, it might be fun and games to frolic around the Krampus. But it’s over when he goes after and kidnaps you. Seriously, it’s not fun at all.
38. A happy Christmas to you from the kindly robin.
Uh, do these birds look like berry eaters to you, kindly robin? Because the beaks sure don’t look like it. Still, this is kind of freaky if you think about it.
39. Apparently there wasn’t enough rat to go around at the cat house.
Seems like Paw Paws got to the mouse first. But the other cats aren’t happy with it. Yeah, this dinner is really not going to end well. I’d be most scared of the one in the dress.
40. Nothing says Christmas like a clown coming up to a cop with a red hot poker.
Yeah, this clown is incredibly terrifying enough to murder you in your sleep. Still, he should know better than to mess with a cop, even if it’s a British bobby. This won’t end well for the clown.
41. Seems like these beetles are playing cricket.
Now this is just weird. Would’ve made more sense if it was the Beatles playing cricket. Still, how in the hell does this have to do with Christmas? And why does it exist?
42. Seems like the Pine Cone guy wants to wish this little girl in pink a Merry Christmas.
From Life in the Land of the Ice and Snow: “Don’t shake his hand, Little Girl! Don’t do it! There’s something off about this guy. I saw him on the subway last week. Stay away!” Yeah, why the hell would think this image was a good idea. Seems like the guy is about to whisk the kid away in his windowless carriage.
43. Yes, Santa will surely see you when you’re sleeping.
Now seeing Santa watching a girl sleep is pretty creepy. Still, whatever his thoughts are, they can’t be good. Not sure about hanging dolls on the tree either.
44. Of course, kids, if you want to see Santa looking out the window is your last chance.
I don’t know about you but Santa seems to have a sinister look in his face. And I think it’s freaking out one of the kids if you ask me. Yeah, they might want to stay away from the window.
45. Seems like Susie got just the doll she wanted.
From loaded hips: “I don’t think there’s enough going on here. I think we better add a floating pretzel and donut. That’ll really drive it on home.” Still, the Santa watching the girl doesn’t seem right as far as I’m concerned.
46. Looks like Santa Claus has been drinking too much egg nog.
Uh, Santa, I think you’ve had enough to drink. Seriously, you need to stop. This is how you ram your sleigh into little old ladies. Just so you know.
47. Nothing says Christmas than a scantily clad woman flirting with Frosty the Snowman.
Of course, Frosty is trying to get the nerve to tell her that this relationship isn’t meant to last. Because come spring time, he’s destined to be nothing but a puddle of water with his attributes.
48. Seems like a toy soldier has gotten into a fight with a pine cone guy.
Yeah, nothing says Christmas like fighting over a candy or possible explosive. Of course, both seem to be quite terrifying and nightmare inducing if you ask me. But that’s beside the point.
49. Beetle wishes gnome a merry Christmas.
Actually it kind of looks like the beetle wants to eat the gnome for Christmas dinner. Yeah, he’s not going to last long it seems.
50. Nothing says Christmas like a bunch of birds lining up with torches in their wings.
They card says, “May All Jollity Lighten Your Christmas Hours.” However, that doesn’t explain why all these birds look so militant. As if they were about to group into a mob to kill a neighborhood cat. Oh, that explains it.