Not So Great Tidings of Not Much Comfort and Joy Christmas Gift List

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Me with my mom, dad, and sister Molly at KDKA in 2007 for my Hometown HiQ appearance. It was my senior year in high school when my team ended up in the semi-finals and won $2,000 for our high school. This image might’ve appeared on my family Christmas card that year.

Of course, we all receive bad Christmas gifts at least once in our lives. I myself have received some body lotion in my teenage years that I haven’t had any use for. However, when it comes to giving presents, it tends to be very hard to find the perfect gift that you can afford. This is especially true when it comes to giving something to my sister who tends to the finer things in life and I’ll leave it at that. Then you have my dad who can be rather hard to buy for some years since he’s a guy. Luckily, I’m fortunate enough to have a gift list that only includes 5 people. Nevertheless, while finding a gift for someone can be rather nerve-wracking, determining what doesn’t make a great gift is fairly easy. And let’s just say, most of the gifts I’m about to feature in this article are clearly gifts that the people on your list really don’t want for Christmas. Nor would you want to receive any of these yourself. Now there are some gifts people don’t want like scales, neckties, outdated gadgets, bad movies, fruitcake, or what not. But listing those ideas would be boring and won’t glue you on this post for long. So instead, I list some of the more outrageous gift ideas of things you didn’t know you didn’t want. You know stuff that’s so terrible, offensive, insulting, unnecessary, or inappropriate that it’s unintentionally hilarious. That is when it comes to someone else this Christmas, anyway. So without further adieu, here are some gifts I strongly suggest you avoid giving your loved one for Christmas. Also, some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

  1. Kitty Carpet Reusable Downstairs Toupee
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And I thought head toupees for bald men were stupid enough. Now they have one for pubes. As if shaving your pubes isn’t a stupid idea already. A pube toupee is even dumber than that.

2. Accu‑Measure Fitness 3000 Personal Body Fat Tester

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From Refinery29: ” Seriously? Fancy perfumes, designer handbags, luxurious chocolates — there are so many delightful presents in the holiday-gifting palette. So, why would anyone choose the one that says, ‘Watch that holiday weight gain, cakey’?” Yeah, they have a point.

3. Willy Warmer

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Because what the man in your life really needs this winter is a snug for his junk. After all, he doesn’t want his genitals to freeze. Then again, why would a guy need this if underwear and pants do the trick just as well?

4. Cyber Clean Putty

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Think about it as silly putty but it’s meant for cleaning your cell phone, computer, and other electronics. Yeah, loads of fun with that (sarcasm).

5. Hobo Tool

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Handy for the times when you’re a homeless bum who’s always on the move and on a budget. Beats having to use rusty tools you found in junkyard for cutlery doesn’t it?

6. Achoo! Pepper Mill

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Now you enjoy freshly ground pepper on your food coming straight from a giant, plastic disembodied nose. Sounds kind of disgusting, doesn’t it? Well, that’s because it is.

7. Extreme Chores: Motioned Controlled Video Game

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Now you can enjoy all the fun of racing against the clock doing yard work, doing dishes, raking leaves, and cleaning the litter box. Makes doing household tasks fun for the whole family. Available on Ninentdo Wii.

8. 23andMe DNA Testing Kit

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From Refinery29: “Despite all the chair-throwing and sexy moms, we’ve always felt our family holidays didn’t resemble an Maury episode enough. Enter, 23andMe’s DNA home-testing kit. Enjoy that holiday family-togetherness vibe while you still can, because with this gift, you might be just one saliva sample away from ‘You are NOT the father.'” Seriously, do you really want being home for the holidays to be like Maury? I don’t.

9. Spaghetti Fork with Rotating Head

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Finally, a fork designed for specifically eating spaghetti. Just turn it on and see your fork twirl the noodles around it. Funny, I’ve been eating spaghetti for years and turned my regular fork to get the same result.

10. Bestow Wall Mounted Vase

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Ah, nothing like a disembodied hand carrying a fresh bouquet of flowers from a wall. Reminds me of something you’d see in a horror movie.

11. Poopy Time Fun Shapes

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Finally, a toy that makes toilet time so much fun. Now they can stick these up their asses and make adorable shapes as they do a No. 2. Has received 2 thumbs up from the late Billy Mays himself.

12. Toilet Teapot

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The kind of pot for when you have tea time but are sitting on the porcelain in the smallest room in the house. Has lovely floral decorations.

13. Onion-Chopping Goggles

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From Refinery29: “In holiday gifts, versatility is key. These handy kitchen goggles in lady-friendly pink are just the thing for when you get thrown in a gulag on onion-chopping detail again — or when outfitting your rap crew for a Mariah Carey remix video.”

14. Flashing Wine Glass

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For the times when you throw a house party at night but can’t decide whether to theme it as a disco or a rave. Yeah, these are quite tacky to say the least.

15. GAMAGO Spray Can Projection Clock

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The kind of clock you use when you need to know what time it is in the dumbest way possible. Seriously, who’s ever heard of getting the time from an aerosol can?

16. Coffin Couch

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For those who think, “I wish my living room looked just like walking into a funeral parlor.” Still, I doubt that most funeral homes have a couch made from one of their fancy boxes for dead people.

17. Enlighted Bra

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Finally, a lingerie item that provides bust support, lets you see in the dark, and helps you get noticed like a stripper at a rave. Yeah, not sure if I want any light up lingerie. That’s just too much.

18. Poo-Pourri

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It’s the kind of spray you use before you go to the bathroom so you don’t leave a stink. Comes in a variety of scents like Call of the Wild, Deja Poo, No. 2, Poo La La, Royal Flush, Trap-a-Crap, and Secret Santa.

19. Underwear Safe

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They’re the kind of tidy whitey underwear where Walter White might keep his meth money while traveling. Yeah, I’m sure nobody would want to touch those Benjamins after where they’ve been.

20. Home Stripper Pole

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Finally, a way to exercise that makes your kids think you’re “training to be a firefighter.” And a workout routine that might help you earn a living dancing on tables.

21. Life Gem Memorial Diamond Ring

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Because nothing says, “I love you” than giving your girlfriend a ring with a diamond made from the ashes of your dead grandma. If my boyfriend asks me to marry him, he should just stick to a normal-sized diamond. A LifeGem one is just too disturbing.

22. Cell Mate Cell Phone Earpiece Holder

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Now you can make phone calls on your cell in a way that leaves your hands free on the wheel. Too bad getting a bluetooth would’ve saved you a lot of embarrassment.

23. iPanties

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Now these slip crotch panties have a feature that allows you to slide to unlock. Sorry, fellas, I was just kidding. Still, wouldn’t want to receive these from my boyfriend for Christmas.

24. iCarta iPod Toilet Paper Holder

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Now you can listen to your iPod music as go on the pot and in speaker mode. Then again, it might be cheaper just to listen to your music while you’re wearing headphones on the throne.

25. Steak Brander

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Because a grillmeister always has to give his meat his own personal signature. Seriously, is branding your steak really necessary? Seriously, why?

26. Mobile Back Massage

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Not sure if it’s effective against back pain. But I think it will be great for a Ninja Turtles Halloween costume. Seriously, it looks too much like a turtle shell to take seriously.

27. Goatee Saver

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From The Telegraph: “A very good idea disguised as something that looks very stupid.” Guy has to bite into a plastic template in order not to mess up his goatee. I’ll let you figure out how stupid it is for yourself.

28. Beer Scented Candle

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Because nothing makes your home smelling fresh like a candle giving off a fragrance that makes it smell like a bar. Yeah, pretty much the same reason why I thought a Haymitch scented candle was utterly ridiculous.

29. Sing Along Tongs Silicon Tipped Cooking Tongs

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Now you can sing along while cooking in the kitchen while annoying the shit out of the whole family. Yeah, nothing more fun than tossing your salad while getting on your family’s nerves.

30. Retro Phone

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When you want to have wireless communication while wanting to hold your phone the old fashioned way. Some might call this being ironic. I call it idiotic.

31. Smoking Mittens

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The kind of mittens that allow people to light up outside in the cold while keeping their hands nice and warm. Of course, you could save money and years of your by just quitting smoking. Also, might encourage clothing fires or kill you.

32. Candy Kitten Crap

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Sure these candies might taste pretty good. However, by the shape of them, you wouldn’t know it. Still, a pretty gross concept if you think about it.

33. Hairy Leggings

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Great for wearing when you really want to get out of a second date with the guy who was mean to the waiter on the first one. Am I right, ladies? Probably better if you just don’t shave.

34. Dead Fred Pen Holder

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The kind of pen holder that makes your co-workers think that a. you moonlight as a serial killer, b. you have a sick sense of humor, or c. both a and b. Yeah, doesn’t look appropriate for a desk.

35. Coal Candy

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Yes, enjoy the great taste of being bad for Christmas. Also, tastes like suffocating air pollution responsible for deadly smog attacks, carbon emissions causing climate change, and harmful acid rain. Enjoy.

36. Toothpaste Tube Wringer

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Now your friend can use all the toothpaste in the tube before he or she has to buy more. Basically a way to tell them how much of a cheapskate they are.

37. Shove It Pen Holder Set

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Yes, nothing says professionalism at the office than having your pen stuck up inside a rear end with a chain. Might be a subtle way of a co-worker saying what asshole you are.

38. Ab Enhancer

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For the guy who wants a beach bod but has a work ethic akin to George Costanza. And they don’t mind wearing a grill for several minutes a day either.

39. Toilet Bank

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Helps teach kids the value of saving money while putting their weekly allowance down the toilet. But only because this bank is shaped like a commode.

40. Bacon Lube

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The kind of personal massage oil and lubricant for a man who likes to smell like a crispy pig in the sack or breakfast. Honestly, does anyone in their right mind would be sexually aroused by the smell of bacon? Seriously, why?

41. Fish Deboning Playset

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Hey, kids, learn how to gut and debone a fish. It’s fun. Yeah, just the kind of toy to freak out their parents.

42. Chalk Outline Guy Blanket Throw

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Now this blanket is guaranteed to make anywhere in your living room look like a crime scene investigation. Well, a televised crime scene investigation anyway. They don’t do chalk outline guy in real life.

43. Big Ox Oxygen

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For the low price of $5, you can give your loved one a bottle of air to breathe in. Then again, $5 is a high price to pay for something you already get every day for free.

44. Family Blankeez

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Because nothing makes family togetherness more worthwhile than sitting on the couch sharing a whole snuggie. Holds up to 8 people. Seriously, this is just plain weird to me.

45. Campfire Cologne

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Because anyone should be able to smell like you’ve spent a night with smoke blowing in your face. Not to be confused with Burning Building Cologne.

46. Moose Poop Necklace

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Because nothing says romance than receiving a moose turd on a gold chain from your boyfriend. Seriously, this has to be one of the shittiest jewelry present ever.

47. Lipstick Hip Flask

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From Refinery29: “Prediction: The woman who thinks a lipstick-shaped flask is cute is also waiting eagerly for Sophie Kinsella’s next novel.” By the way, Sophie Kinsella is a chick lit author best known for her Shopaholic series.

48. Gold Rush Dirt of the Month Club

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Nothing makes a great gift than having different kinds of dirt sent to you on a monthly basis. I’m sure some of the dirt they send you can easily dig up for free. This is stupid.

49. Eyeglass Lights

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Helps you see in the dark at night while losing all your sense of dignity. And it makes this guy look like he’s had one restraining order too many.

50. Dashboard Eyeball Wiggler

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Now this looks like a great dashboard decoration. For Halloween. Other times a year it might make people think you’re a sicko. And that fez might offend some Shriners.

51. Betty Beauty Hair Dye for Pubic Area

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Okay, why would anyone think of dying their pubes? Nobody’s going to see them other than people in the locker rooms or your significant other. I don’t understand it.

52. Gangster Cheese Grater

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If the gift receiver’s Italian, he or she is bound to either really like it or think it expresses a very offensive Italian mafia stereotype. Maybe both. So I wouldn’t risk it.

53. Giant Microbe Plushies

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Ah, yes, kids, cuddle up with an adorable microscopic plushie representing something that might kill you or make you sick. Range from fatal diseases, STDs, parasites, body cells, and others.

54. Heaven Travel Kit

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Now you can reserve a spot in Heaven and eternal life with this travel kit. Contains letters, forms, ticket, certificate, and travel guide. Sorry, but I don’t think getting isn’t like reserving a spot on a plane. This is probably a joke.

55. Bluetooth Unisex Gloves

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Because talking to your friends looks way less crazy this way. Then again, it’s sure to make people think that you might need psychiatric help.

56. Life Countdown Watch

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This Christmas, give the gift of impending mortality (that also comes fitted with a comfy wrist strap). Costs $79.99. For some reason, I think this is either a joke or a shameless ripoff.

57. Beard Bells

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From Refinery29: “On the bright side, you can hear any fool who chooses to wear these coming from a mile away.” I’m sure these will be annoying as hell and hard to get off once the fun is over.

58. Desktop Drum Set

 

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From Refinery29: “For when you’re just one spot away from earning the title of ‘World’s Worst Coworker.'” I have a friend who was a drummer in high school. He may enjoy this but that doesn’t mean I’d recommend anyone give it to him.

59. 360 Degree Mirror

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From Refinery29: “Handy for developing insecurities about the one spot on the back of your head you never noticed before!” Totally don’t need this in my life. Got enough insecurities to worry about already like social skills.

60. Individualized Beverage Warmer

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From Refinery29: “A passive-aggressive way to tell someone that you think it takes them way too fucking long to drink their coffee.” I’ll say.

61. The Fizzics Beer System

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From Refinery29: “Ever wished your $2 beer tasted like a $3 beer? Here is a thing that costs $170 that will make your dreams a reality!” Then again, you could just save more money with buying $3 beer. It’s cheaper than that.

62. USB Typewriter Keyboard

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Think of it as a typewriter for the digital age that you can use with your iPad. But you can also do spell and grammar checks with it as well. Kind of like what you do with a computer.

63. Hoverboard with Bluetooth Speaker System

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From Refinery29: “This hoverboard comes with a speaker system so you can announce to the entire world that the village douchebag has arrived.” Costs $674.99 or a massive waste of money.

64. Wireless Eye Massage

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From Refinery29: “Not sure about you, but there’s nothing soothing sounding about an ‘eye massage.'” Costs $149.99 so not worth it.

65. Gift of Nothing

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Yes, nothing makes a great Christmas gift for the person who has everything than a ball of nothing costing $9.99. Could’ve been cheaper if you made it yourself. Or just come with nothing.

66. Stress Buster Desktop Punching Ball

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From Refinery29: “You managed to fool HR’s personality test — don’t blow it now by violently punching a mini hot-air balloon every time your boss walks by.” Yeah, probably not the best way to deal with stress at work.

67. Grandma’s Last Christmas Tree Scented Candle

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Perfect for anyone who wants their living room to smell of apples, cinnamon, and creeping mortality. Seriously, what the hell were they thinking?

68. Hand Fitness Trainer

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It’s like a fitness trainer for your hand. Not sure how this works. And I’m not sure if I want to know.

69. Menu Wine Tote

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It’s like if a tote bag and a box of wine got together and had a baby. But this is more classier than boxed wine. Not sure if that might lead people to think you have a drinking problem.

70. Rox The Eternal Ice Cube

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Refinery29: “Sure, they water down your whiskey, but what ice cubes don’t do is chip your teeth when you’re knocking back a stiff one.” These look more like, well, rocks so to speak.

71. Teddy Bear Lamp

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Yes, parents, nothing lights up a child’s room while traumatizing them at the same time than a lamp of a decapitated teddy bear. Sure to send any small child for a lifetime of psychotherapy. That or have nightmares.

72. Tampon Flash Drive

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I don’t know about you. But when a woman is on her time of the month the last thing she needs is to not be able to tell the difference between her tampons and her flash drives. Don’t want to make a mistake flushing these down the toilet.

73. BluePrint Excavation Cleanse

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From Refinery29: “When you truly, deeply care about your loved one’s toxic colon, give them BluePrint’s signature Excavation Cleanse. Excavation’s refreshing green juices and agave-sweetened lemonades promise an internal deep-cleaning that ‘takes you much deeper, so you can finally unearth those crayons you ate when you were three.’ Wait a minute — juice and crayons? It’s DOUBLE PRESENTS, people!”

74. Anti Sag V-Line Chin Sauna Mask

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Now this might be an anti-wrinkle beauty treatment mask. But to me it’s a mask perfect for anyone who plans to dress up as a sexy Hannibal Lecter for Halloween.

75. Grayson Perry Scrotal Sack Handbag

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From Refinery29: “We’re really, really sorry about this one, people. NOPE, it’s not a Fendi, Hermès, or Mulberry. This is a Grayson Perry original, made by the British artist as a one-off gift for a friend (presumably not a frenemy). Thus, we’d like to nominate this jingle-bell-festooned “sac” as history’s worst gift. Worse than the Trojan Horse and small-pox blankets combined. Thankfully, Perry has no intentions of ever producing another, despite a flood of requests. And, that, dear readers, is our gift to you.”

76. Fifty Shades of Grey Charm Bracelet

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Let me give you a word of advice for my male viewers trying to think of what to give to their female significant other: Just because she might want a Fifty Shades of Grey charm bracelet, doesn’t mean you should get one for her. Keep that in mind and give her a Hunger Games bracelet instead.

77. Touchscreen Leather Gloves

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From Refinery29: “Perfect for the on-the-go techie who hates unsightly screen smudges and maybe does a bit of murder on the side.” Was thinking the same thing myself.

78. Spanx Skinny Britches

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From Refinery29: “What it says: ‘Whoa there, lady, you really went crazy on the mince pies this yuletide season, didn’t you? Don’t worry, you can squelch up the fat in these bad boys.’ Control pants are fine to buy for yourself, but never okay as a gift. Same applies to anti-aging moisturisers, acne treatments, and fitness DVDs.” Agreed.

79. Gun Lamp

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From Huffington Post: “The Bill of Rights not only guarantees the right to bear arms, but it allows Americans the right to have lamps with gun-shaped bases. Regardless of where your views fall in the gun rights battle, it’s safe to say there are many Americans who would love to use this for target practice.” Let’s just say I would never want this to be in my living room. No way in hell.

80. Old Man Peeing Liquor Beverage Dispenser

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When it comes to great tasting liquor, some think there’s nothing better than having it from an old man’s genitalia. Of course, I’m not one of these people who thinks the slogan, “Urine for a treat” is appealing.

81. Sandal Socks

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Guaranteed to keep your feet warm and your virginity intact (if you haven’t lost it already). But it’ll cost you all your sense of dignity.

82. Slicey the Pig Dashboard Wiggler

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Now this just look so fucked up for God’s sake! Seriously, the pig is basically cutting itself in half and doesn’t seem upset about it. Also, it’s eyes are terrifying. No, don’t put this on your car, ever.

83. Car Eyelashes

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Enhance your car’s beauty for $32.99 with these lashes to fit on its headlights. Okay, this is just a waste of money. Not to mention, they’ll look pretty stupid on your pickup truck or SUV.

84. Portable Body Scale

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As if you thought a regular bathroom scale was bad enough for a gift. This one makes you insecure about your weight when you’re on the go. Yeah, makes you think twice before eating that burger does it?

85. Vibrating Sauna Pants

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Man, they still have these and now in a bright orange updated version. Simply adjust the temperature and experience the hot feeling of your sweaty underwear year round.

86. Neckline Trainer

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From the Guardian: “Available at all good pseudo-scientific retailers, the Neckline Trainer is a great gift for people who believe that two minutes a day nodding on springs will ‘dramatically reduce the appearance of a double chin’. ” Yeah, I’m sure that’s going to work (sarcasm).

87. Toilet Roll Puzzle

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Now this is the kind of gift for someone you hate. Watch the fun, games, and underwear stains as people try to work out how to wipe their ass. Make sure you read the instructions before you hand it over (heh, heh).

88. Which Wittchedy Grub?

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Oh, great just the kind of candy everyone wants. Chocolate maggots. Disgusting. Then again, can’t be as bad as crunchy frog, ram’s bladder cup, cockroach clusters, and spring surprise.

89. Marijuana Home Test Kit

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Well, if it’s legal, then testing positive won’t be a problem. If not, then you’re basically screwed. And yes, you wouldn’t want to show this to the cops.

90. USB Humping Dog

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It’s supposed to be a dog humping USB port. Yeah, it’s supposed to look like it’s humping your computer if you plug it in. Yeah, it’s pretty ridiculous.

91. Teatanic Tea Infuser

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Yes, you can now have a replica of a famous ocean liner that hit an iceberg in 1912 and sank into the North Atlantic leaving over 1,500 people dead. Yeah, seems pretty mean if you ask me.

92. Handerpants

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Yes, these are underpants for your hands. Don’t ask me why these exist. I wasn’t the one who thought about these.

93. Undercap

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Goes well with Handerpants and will make you look even more stupid. Who the hell thinks of these things I have no idea. Seriously, why?

94. Knife Holder Man

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Hmmm…..just what I need in the kitchen. A guy to stick knives in which would freak out the kids. Now why did they think this was a good idea? This is just disturbing if you ask me.

95. Canned Unicorn Meat

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Looks more like ground meat in glitter. Not sure if the meat is fit for digestion. Disgusting and unappetizing if you ask me.

96. Wake & Bake Dream Griddle Alarm Clock

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Might be a great way to wake up to breakfast in bed in the morning. But then you realize someone has to cook the eggs and pancakes. So I wouldn’t recommend this for people who live alone.

97. Animal Modesty Panels

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From Refinery29: “Nothing says, ‘Cover it up, Sister Wife’ like a convenient 3-pack of modesty panels!” I think I’d stick with exposing my cleavage than covering it up with tacky animal prints. That’s just stupid.

98. Vino 2 Go

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From Refinery29: “Name me one scenario in which a cupholder-sized “Vino2Go” is advisable.” That’s an excellent point. I mean you obviously can’t drink from it while you’re driving. That would get you a DUI. Then again, if you have to have wine on the go, you might need an intervention.

99. Work Boot Personalized Stocking

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Because why should you let boys hang their sissy looking Christmas stockings at the fireplace this year? This is the kind of stocking that’s for real men. Looks like some Hummer driving dad isn’t secure with his masculinity.

100. Hobbit Feet Slippers

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Because in order to be a big fan of Middle Earth, you have to walk around in a hobbit’s shoes. And since hobbits don’t wear them, you have walk around in slippers of big hairy feet. Gross.

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One response to “Not So Great Tidings of Not Much Comfort and Joy Christmas Gift List

  1. These items are crazy! Although I can see the value in a couple of them, like the onion goggles for instance. Mostly, I would pass on these gifts. Very funny!

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