Despite that New Years is one of the most celebrated holidays in the world with widespread partying and celebrations, I usually skip blogging about it since it’s so close to Christmas which to me is a much bigger holiday. Not to mention, it’s a time that’s technically still in the Christmas season. And while Christmas is more or less of a holiday for everyone, New Years is more of a holiday for adults. I mean it involves drinking, partying, parades, and a stupid Division I college football tradition that makes absolutely no sense. Seriously, can’t Division I college football adopt a playoff system similar to March Madness? Because every other NCAA sport has their playoffs styled the exact same way. Anyway, when I came across some of these vintage greeting cards, I realized that I couldn’t avoid doing a New Years post any longer. Yes, you might expect people in the olden days to have some tact when it came to greeting cards such as the one above. But you would be wrong. Because this assortment is as weird and crazy as many New Years cards get in the days of old. So for your reading pleasure as shall old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mine, take your time to view these cards from the days of auld lang syne.
- Now I wonder whether these gnomes want a glass of wine or some sexual exhibition.
Now I have two questions regarding this card. One, is that woman in the glass naked? Two, why are those guys holding axes and what the hell are they doing with them?
2. Seems like these dachshunds all have a taste for champagne.
Seems like one dog is in the champagne while the other ones are licking the drops. Guess the one in the glass is bound to wake up with a doggy hangover the next morning.
3. Now these two bottles seem to be sharing a New Years toast together. Wait what?
Now these two store alcoholic beverages like wine and champagne, right? And they’re drinking these together, right? So how does this make any sense? I don’t get it.
4. Nothing brings in the New Year like sharing a glass of wine with the moon.
And it seems to me that the moon has had way too many. Either that, or he might be in the mood for something else. Still, its crescent face kind creeps me out.
5. An old New Years tradition for children where there’s snow was to make a barrel snowman.
Of course, these two kids seem like they’re building a snowman to carry on a rampage in a nearby town. And yes, this is to their diabolical intentions.
6. Wishing you a happy New Year from some creepy chimney sweeps.
Yes, these are chimney sweeps, not a group of home burglars in their robbing garb. Still, these guys do seem like they can make out with your jewelry and finer stuff. They also look unrealistically clean, healthy, and happy, too.
7. Of course, at some New Year’s Eve parties, it was possible that a romance could blossom.
However, I’m not sure about this case. I mean the guy here kind of seems like he’s waiting for this girl to pass out so he could have his way with her. That’s just a thought.
8. Nothing says “Happy New Year” like a soulless girl in winter about to throw snowballs at you.
Of course, in case of a snowball fight, Tess always made sure she had a stash of razor blades with her. Because she loved to see the other kids scream in unbearable pain from the snowballs she threw.
9. “Welcome to wish you all to a bright New Year.”
Seems like this person’s idea of a bright New Year is seeing a bunch of winged kids flying on bats in the sunrises. Now that’s just messed up.
10. When it comes to greeting the year 1890, best to throw the 1889 boy in a boiling hot cauldron of soup.
Is it just me or does anybody think throwing a kid into a steaming hot cauldron of soup is disturbing? Also are those legs? Almost makes me want to throw up.
11. May your joyous New Year have a pierrot dressed boy drinking a glass of champagne.
Okay, this boy might give me the creeps. And I have to admit, clowns be quite terrifying as well. Still, I’m sure raising a glass of champagne won’t go well today among civilized society.
12. On New Year’s Eve it’s not uncommon for a snowman and pig to drink to the Man in the Moon.
Of course, the snowman and the pig each brought their own bottle. And I’m sure the pig is going to be totally wasted by the next morning. And he’s on his two hind legs. Yeah, that’s crazy.
13. Of course, New Year’s Eve is also a time when the Man in the Moon also has his fill of spirits.
Wait a minute, the moon can get sloshed? Why hasn’t NASA told us about this? Oh, wait, there is no Man in the Moon. Still, it’s pretty messed up if you think about it.
14. Seems like the Man in the Moon has his own entourage of Star People for this New Year’s celebrations.
Now the concept of the Man in the Moon on these cards is creepy enough. But the star people on this card seem like they’re straight out of some crazy sci-fi film with bad special effects. And yes, they might give you nightmares.
15. When the clock strikes midnight, the old year leaves and the new year begins.
I don’t know about you. But it seems Old Father Time seems to have a lustful eye on this young woman in purple with her hands in a muff. Not to be critical. But he seems a bit of a perv.
16. Nothing says a “Joyous New Year” like being chased by gigantic killer bees.
Well, if I saw a bee as big as that, I’d run for the hills, too. Then again, I’d probably shit myself in the process. Still, I have no idea why someone thought this was a good idea for a New Years card.
17. Seems like the pig sty is a happening place on New Year’s Eve.
Yeah, even pigs are getting wasted on New Year’s Eve for some reason. Not sure why. And there are even a couple dancing on their hind toes. Also, the kid is watching the whole thing.
18. You know it’s New Years, when you see a tuxedo guy sharing a bottle of booze with a snowman.
Of course, he should be lucky to be awakened by kids throwing snowballs than a policeman. Still, wonder how he’s going to feel when he’s awake. Not good.
19. “Looking into things far off….a Happy New Year.”
Okay, does anyone have any idea what the hell a beetle looking through a telescope at the sky has to do with New Year’s? Because I have no idea and think this is freaky.
20. This mutant potato in a fedora wishes you a Happy New Year.
I don’t know about you. But for some reason, I find this rather horrifying to say the least. Not sure if it’s the snide face or the rooted arms.
21. “Wishing you a New Year Jan. 1st.”
Is it just me or does that stork look like it wants to eat that naked cherub baby? Because it kind of looks rather sinister than you’d expect of such a bird.
22. Nothing tells you that it’s New Year’s Day than waking up in the morning with a terrible hangover.
Hey, it could’ve been worse. He could’ve woken up at a home of a complete stranger and right next to a woman he doesn’t know. Still, he sure has a face of “What the hell happened last night?” Yeah, seems to remind me of Billy Joel’s “Big Shot.”
23. Nothing rings in the spirit of the new year than some hot bottle on bottle action.
Makes you wonder what the people who designed this card were drinking when they came up with this idea. Of course, you probably know where this goes.
24. On New Year’s Day it’s said that breaking an old man’s back is good luck.
Not sure if this encourages young people to mistreat the elderly. But still, kids, don’t do this to your grandparents. In fact, I’m not sure why the designer thought a kid mowing his sled on top of an old man was a great idea for a greeting card.
25. Of course, when it comes to New Year’s Eve celebrations, getting wasted shouldn’t just be reserved for the adults.
Of course, if they’re parents had anything to do with their access to alcohol, they’re going to be so busted nowadays. Still, seems like these kids all want some wine. Yeah, this card is pretty disturbing.
26. May you enjoy your New Year’s with a sled pulled by pigs and assisted by a mushroom person.
From Buzzfeed: “Even that bird wearing pants and shoes is saying WTF.” Yeah, kind of explains how I feel about this picture. Probably designed under the influence of powerful hallucinogenic drugs.
27. Nothing rings in the New Year like a smoking man in the moon and some champagne bottles.
From Buzzfeed: ” If you’ve ever had an irrational fear that the Moon is watching your every move, then this is the card for you.” Yes, this card is completely terrifying to say the least.
28. Of course, this naked lady brings in the new year by dumping a glass of wine on a gnome’s head.
Then again, these stupid drunk elves deserve to be pranked. Still, wonder how tiny this naked woman is. Surely she’s bigger than them.
29. Hope this guy sobers enough to wake up before the horse devours his hair off.
Yeah, you know this tuxedo guy has partied hard if he passes out drunk only to wake up with a horse munching on his hair. Of course, it might’ve been worse had he woken up at the other end of the horse.
30. Nothing brings in the spirit of the New Year than cute angels feeding champagne to an inebriated Man in the Moon.
Yes, I know the Man in the Moon was a common motif for the era, but this is kind of creepy. Also, he’s probably totally wasted by this point or once he gets through the bottle.
31. New Years is the time of year when the Man in the Moon can also be seen as a gnome’s ATM machine.
From College Humor: “May the New Year bring you riches in the form of a moon puking up gold coins. ” Now that’s just freaky. No, I don’t think the moon works that way.
32. There’s nothing like it on New Year’s Day than seeing a letter delivered to your home by a creepy child soldier.
I don’t know about you. But if I received a letter from that terrifying moppet, I’d certainly call in to have it checked to see if it doesn’t contain a poisonous white powder. Better be safe than sorry.
33. Happy New Year from the beetle with a branch.
I don’t understand why’d they put beetles on their cards. It just doesn’t make sense. What do these wretched bugs stand for?
34. Wishing you a happy New Year with a card depicting a boy serving dinner and a bottle of champagne.
I don’t know about you. But I think this kid might’ve poisoned something on his tray. Doesn’t have a nice look on his face. Don’t ask me why.
35. Ring in the New Year with some frogs going bowling with shrooms.
You can almost imagine this as an amphibious version of The Big Lebowski. Then again, this is freaky enough, especially with that one frog smoking a cigarette and their tacky pants.
36. Wishing a prosperous New Year from the kids carrying the punch and drinks.
Yeah, making the kids in carrying the drinks for the New Year’s Eve party. That is sure to work out (sarcasm). Seriously, no kids should be carrying anything made of glass or alcohol.
37. Looks like the New Year has just arrived.
And it seems to be a baby in a tweed coat, walking with a cane, carrying some luggage, and smoking a cigar. This is just messed up, man.
38. Seems like someone has been partying too much on New Year’s Eve.
Let’s hope these two people are married and the wife is the designated driver. Because I don’t think the guy looks anywhere sober in this one.
39. Nothing makes ringing in the New Year like two clowns sharing a toast.
Now the clown at the top is just terrifying and I wouldn’t take a drink from him if I were the female clown. Because a clown is never funny in the moonlight, as Lon Chaney would say. He had a good point.
40. Of course, don’t let your pigs loose from your sleigh or else it’ll upset your pot of gold.
Yeah, you don’t want to lose your pigs pulling your sleigh of gold and shamrocks (which I more likely associate with St. Patrick’s Day). Still, I don’t know why they used pigs for New Year’s.
41. Of course, you can’t welcome 1906 without mentioning the mushroom people.
Now I’ve heard about gnomes and fairies on toadstools. But this is ridiculous. Makes me wonder what the drug scene was in Kaiser Wilhem II’s Germany.
42. And look, one of those mushroom people freaks is serving some warm drinks.
Yes, this is as crazy as it sounds. One of them has a ladybug as a pet and on a leash. Seriously, people have been on acid trips during the 1960 that don’t come as freaky as this.
43. On New Year’s Eve parties, even pooches tend to get hammered.
Wonder if anyone has a recipe to relieve a canine hangover. Not that it matters. But these pooches seem to have partied hard the previous night.
44. Nothing makes a great New Year’s than seeing a kid with flowers, money, 4 leaf clovers and a glass of wine.
Now this isn’t a bad New Year’s greeting card. But still, that better be grape juice because that boy is certainly not legal. Also, I think he might want to get a new wallet because he’s dropping money everywhere.
45. Not sure if I want to sled down a hill with a bag of gold coins. But this gnome seems happy.
Still, this smiling gnome seems terrifying to me for some reason. Yet, I don’t think spilling a sack of gold is very smart.
46. For the homeless bum, staring at the clock till it strikes midnight is all you might need to do.
I know it’s supposed to be funny. But to me, this seems kind of depressing if you think about it. This is especially since they’re waiting until midnight to get drunk.
47. Happy New Year from the naked kid who just made off with the old year guy’s stuff.
Seems like this baby has made out with a cane, purse, and lantern. And it’s prancing in the snow in the buff. Yeah, it’s ridiculous if you really think about it. But I didn’t design this card. So don’t ask me.
48. Nothing makes your New Year’s bright than a baby giving a toast on a taxidermied cow head.
For one, this seems like this kid’s alcohol addled parents put him there. For what I don’t know. Second, I think that kid will fall off after he drinks that glass of wine.
49. Once again, it seems that the star people are now partying hard on New Year’s Eve with some champagne bottles.
I don’t know about you but I honestly think that these star kids are creepy as hell. Maybe it’s their star heads around their faces. Then again, I’m not sure of that either.
50. Looks like someone spent a little too much time with his drinking buddies on New Year’s Eve.
Wonder what’s going to hurt more for this guy in the morning. Will it be the hangover? Or will it be whatever wounds he sustained by being hit by a broom. You decide.