Tag Archives: NSFW

Personal Ads Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Whether it be on Craigslist or the newspaper classifieds, personal ads have served as a way for people to meet one another for dates. Some do personal ads since they may not know people in the area or live in places with a small dating pool such as gays and those who probably dated everyone in town who’s not married as well as too old to be their child but too young to be their parents. Others want to meet people but don’t want it to be known in their public life. Of course, we all have reasons for seeking dates this way whether it be looking for a spouse or just a one night stand. Some people who put out personal ads may already be married and just looking to either swing or have a little on the side. Still, not all personal ads pertain to necessarily dating but plenty of them do, at least those we tend to make fun of. They usually include a description of the person and their interests. Those who are interested contact the person posting either through listed information or a forwarding service. Nevertheless, though some may post photos, the person posting it usually does it anonymously. Now I can go on and on about the great personal ads I’ve seen but that’s limited and I’m not sure if I want to resort to that when I have internet dating (but I’m far more interested in trying to establish myself as a writer and get a long term steady job that’ll get me out of my parents home, though I will take exceptions if the right guy comes along). Instead, I’ll post some of the more unusual and funny personal ads of people you may or may not want to date. Some of these may not be safe for work. So without further adieu, here are some personal ads to laugh at this Valentine’s Day season.

1. While some try to make sure the message fits the ad, this one took two placements to get his message across.

He just had to take 2 spots in the paper to ask his girlfriend a very important question: to make dinner so he could finish Breaking Bad. Of course, some people might agree.

He just had to take 2 spots in the paper to ask his girlfriend a very important question: to make dinner so he could finish Breaking Bad. Of course, some people might agree.

2. Some guys put themselves out there on the dating scene with the local classifieds. Some do it with Craigslist and online dating. But this guy does it with an entire billboard.

Then again, if he has to put his personal ad on a billboard, he's probably very rich and very desperate. Still, I wouldn't date this guy since he's a returned missionary (since I'm Catholic, it's a deal breaker) and his sense of humor is questionable.

Then again, if he has to put his personal ad on a billboard, he’s probably very rich and very desperate. Still, I wouldn’t date this guy since he’s a returned missionary (since I’m Catholic, it’s a deal breaker) and his sense of humor is questionable.

3. When a female farmer is looking for a man, she does her own personal ad with a tractor.

Never has looking for love ever used up so much gasoline. And she isn't even involved in a long distance relationship either.

Never has looking for love ever used up so much gasoline. And she isn’t even involved in a long distance relationship either.

4. I’m sure this ad is only honest when you read lines 1, 3, and 5. Pervert.

When you just read lines 1, 3, and 5 it says: "A tall well-built woman with good legs who appreciates a good fucking without getting too serious." Yeah, he's not looking for a relationship with a woman who can cook frog legs and likes fuchsia gardens and classical music. He wants to get laid.

When you just read lines 1, 3, and 5 it says: “A tall well-built woman with good legs who appreciates a good fucking without getting too serious.” Yeah, he’s not looking for a relationship with a woman who can cook frog legs and likes fuchsia gardens and classical music. He wants to get laid.

5. While some may long for a companion, others want someone to satisfy their particular uh, fetishes.

I can't believe that this was posted by a senior citizen. I think this might be by the dead father from Death at a Funeral if I'm not mistaken. Then again, Peter Dinkledge wasn't a carnie and I'm not sure about the scat and diaper sniffing fetish.

I can’t believe that this was posted by a senior citizen. I think this might be by the dead father from Death at a Funeral if I’m not mistaken. Then again, Peter Dinkledge wasn’t a carnie and I’m not sure about the scat and diaper sniffing fetish.

6. Of course, it’s not always the young who seek just to hook up with during a one night stand.

The fact the guy has Viagra basically means he's above a certain age and has erectile dysfunction. However, I'm not surprised that he's looking for women between 18 and 80 since Idaho doesn't have a lot of people living there to begin with.

The fact the guy has Viagra basically means he’s above a certain age and has erectile dysfunction. However, I’m not surprised that he’s looking for women between 18 and 80 since Idaho doesn’t have a lot of people living there to begin with.

7. So that’s how Kermit met Piggy. Wait, I’ve seen The Muppet Movie and I’m pretty sure they met in person.

The description in this ad basically sums up Miss Piggy perfectly. Not sure how a frog and pig would be sexually compatible, let alone be able to have children.

The description in this ad basically sums up Miss Piggy perfectly. Not sure how a frog and pig would be sexually compatible, let alone be able to have children.

8. Basically this ad says: “Go out with me because I spent $340 on this ad though I can’t pay for your dinner.”

He also wants a woman to have restaurant coupons if you read the fine print on the bottom. Still, according to his description may be good looking enough since he's 6'1," 170 lbs with brown hair and blue eyes as well as 28. Then again, his spending habits are questionable.

He also wants a woman to have restaurant coupons if you read the fine print on the bottom. Still, according to his description may be good looking enough since he’s 6’1,” 170 lbs with brown hair and blue eyes as well as 28. Then again, his spending habits are questionable.

9. Sometimes in personal ads, you find guys who have impossible standards.

Sorry, dude, but I think it's time to lower your standards. For God's sake, you might need to drop the double jointed supermodel with open minded twin sister to start with. Also, you don't want a girl who grows pot unless you live in Colorado or Washington State. And you thought women were picky.

Sorry, dude, but I think it’s time to lower your standards. For God’s sake, you might need to drop the double jointed supermodel with open minded twin sister to start with. Also, you don’t want a girl who grows pot unless you live in Colorado or Washington State. And you thought women were picky.

10. 33 year old male seeks meeting and boning women and couples as well as form or join a sex club.

It's kind of funny how you see a picture of a geeky professional with plastic rimmed glasses while reading a description of wanting to be a swinger. Of course, this is from the 1960s. Guess hippies weren't the only ones believing in free love at the time.

It’s kind of funny how you see a picture of a geeky professional with plastic rimmed glasses while reading a description of wanting to be a swinger. Of course, this is from the 1960s. Guess hippies weren’t the only ones believing in free love at the time.

11. Wanted: Women for our swingers club because we’re executives and there aren’t man women among us because it’s the 1960s.

Of course, this is a perfect place for the cast of Mad Men, well, at least those who are young like Don Draper. Nevertheless, have to appreciate that they're not picky since they'll even take gay divorcees, yet I'm not sure it that means divorced lesbians.

Of course, this is a perfect place for the cast of Mad Men, well, at least those who are young like Don Draper. Nevertheless, have to appreciate that they’re not picky since they’ll even take gay divorcees, yet I’m not sure it that means divorced lesbians.

12. Now personal ads don’t always have to be about getting dates. This woman just wants her purse back.

Woman was probably drunk at the time when the person she's seeking out in question drove her home. She could also try one of the the bars. Has to be around somehow.

Woman was probably drunk at the time when the person she’s seeking out in question drove her home. She could also try one of the the bars. Has to be around somehow.

13. Some people find that personal ads sometimes make them express their poetic inclinations.

Now it seems this guy wants to find this Francesca who's possibly upset with him. Yet, if he can't get her back, he'd settle for a dominatrix. This is according to my interpretation.

Now it seems this guy wants to find this Francesca who’s possibly upset with him. Yet, if he can’t get her back, he’d settle for a dominatrix. This is according to my interpretation.

14. Now this is what I call a dirty old man who may a possible candidate for John Boehner’s biological father.

Yes, he has the Boehner "Groot" tan we all remember from the House Speaker's appearance during Obama's last State of the Union speech. Unlike the gentleman from Ohio though, there's a good chance his tan is natural.

Yes, he has the Boehner “Groot” tan we all remember from the House Speaker’s appearance during Obama’s last State of the Union speech. Unlike the gentleman from Ohio though, there’s a good chance his tan is natural.

15. Young educated Frenchman seeks rich older woman in the 19th century. I wonder what’s this for?

I don't know about you, but would it be rude of me to say that this guy is advertising for a sugar mama? Seriously, if he had a thing for older women, he wouldn't have to include the word, "wealth" right?

I don’t know about you, but would it be rude of me to say that this guy is advertising for a sugar mama? Seriously, if he had a thing for older women, he wouldn’t have to include the word, “wealth” right?

16. Sometimes there are some people who post personal ads who really shouldn’t, like married people or priests.

I almost didn't post this but I had to since it's just so ridiculous and disturbing. Now this priest isn't really breaking his vow of celibacy by confessing to being turned on by a lady he met in the confessional (though he might intend to as the subtext reads). His real Catholic crime is breaking the seal of confession by posting certain details of this woman's sins on Craigslist. Of course, chances are he's probably not a real priest if he's Catholic. If not, then someone's about to be defrocked if the bishop finds out.

I almost didn’t post this but I had to since it’s just so ridiculous and disturbing. Now this priest isn’t really breaking his vow of celibacy by confessing to being turned on by a lady he met in the confessional (though he might intend to as the subtext reads). His real Catholic crime is breaking the seal of confession by posting certain details of this woman’s sins on Craigslist. Of course, chances are he’s probably not a real priest if he’s Catholic. If not, then someone’s about to be defrocked if the bishop finds out.

17. Sometimes it’s love at first sight. Other times, at first smell.

Now this is the kind of personal ad my grandfather would love, for entertainment purposes. I mean farting in the bread aisle, that's too much.

Now this is the kind of personal ad my grandfather would love, for entertainment purposes. I mean farting in the bread aisle, that’s too much.

18. Of course, you’d find a lot of divorced people posting personal ads but I’m not sure if this woman is ready to move on yet.

From what I've read in this ad, it's very clear that this middle age woman needs a therapist since she's certainly not ready to start dating again. Yes, I know she's upset about her husband's cheating but still.

From what I’ve read in this ad, it’s very clear that this middle age woman needs a therapist since she’s certainly not ready to start dating again. Yes, I know she’s upset about her husband’s cheating but still.

19. 35 year old engineer seeks woman to marry so he can get ahead in his business.

Man, seems like engineers haven't changed much since the 1920s. Who's to bet that he's the great grandfather of somebody from The Big Bang Theory? Probably the Sheldon Cooper of his day. Also like how he says that flappers and divorcees save their stamps.

Man, seems like engineers haven’t changed much since the 1920s. Who’s to bet that he’s the great grandfather of somebody from The Big Bang Theory? Probably the Sheldon Cooper of his day. Also like how he says that flappers and divorcees save their stamps. Also, the bank reference bit suggests, “gold digger.”

20. Two guys request two women to live happily ever after with-in the closet.

Man, this one shows how we came a long way with gay rights. Guess these guys don't have a gay friendly boss. Still, I'm not sure if marrying lesbians is their idea of "fun."

Man, this one shows how we came a long way with gay rights. Guess these guys don’t have a gay friendly boss. Still, I’m not sure if marrying lesbians is their idea of “fun.”

21. Now this guy certainly has his mojo rising.

I wonder if this is Jim Morrison's personal ad. I mean he was born in early December, was of normal height, had brown hair and blue eyes, was a baritone who performed with the Doors, a lounge act, and considered himself a poet. Yet, if it is, offer is for a limited time only until he gets fat and is found dead in his bathtub in 1971 at 27. It doesn't look good, ladies. And you don't want me to tell you about his substance abuse and reputed womanizing.

I wonder if this is Jim Morrison’s personal ad. I mean he was born in early December, was of normal height, had brown hair and blue eyes, was a baritone who performed with the Doors, a lounge act, and considered himself a poet. Yet, if it is, offer is for a limited time only until he gets fat and is found dead in his bathtub in 1971 at 27. It doesn’t look good, ladies. And you don’t want me to tell you about his substance abuse and reputed womanizing.

22. Of course, while some guys put out personal ads for hos, some try to get bros to do, you know, guy stuff.

Now I got to wonder about this guy's sexual orientation for methinks he may doth protesteth too much. I mean this ad screams closet case or as if he's trying to prove he's not light in the loafers by engaging in "manly" pursuits. Seriously, I have neighbors who go bowhunting together and they're husband and wife.

Now I got to wonder about this guy’s sexual orientation for methinks he may doth protesteth too much. I mean this ad screams closet case or as if he’s trying to prove he’s not light in the loafers by engaging in “manly” pursuits. Seriously, I have neighbors who go bow hunting together and they’re husband and wife.

23. Middle aged man seeks wife, no pretty rich bitches please!

This kind of reminds me of a personal ad you'd expect a guy like Jane Eyre's Mr. Rochester to write. Of course, the last part would read, "Oh, that mad woman in the attic? Totally not my wife."

This kind of reminds me of a personal ad you’d expect a guy like Jane Eyre’s Mr. Rochester to write. Of course, the last part would read, “Oh, that mad woman in the attic? Totally not my wife.”

24. Young beautiful woman seeks attractive sugar daddy.

Of course, this woman is what a guy like Kanye West would call a "gold digger." Sure this ad is from the 19th century, but c'mon, she's looking for a hot guy with a large bank account. Of course, note that she doesn't mention whether he has to be single.

Of course, this woman is what a guy like Kanye West would call a “gold digger.” Sure this ad is from the 19th century, but c’mon, she’s looking for a hot guy with a large bank account. Of course, note that she doesn’t mention whether he has to be single.

25. Single mom-to-be seeks stepfather because baby daddy is behind bars.

I'm sure any nice guy would be willing to be with a woman and raise somebody else's baby, particularly if its dad is rotting in the penitentiary. Well, if he really likes the kid's mother or is sterile. Seriously, this is messed up.

I’m sure any nice guy would be willing to be with a woman and raise somebody else’s baby, particularly if its dad is rotting in the penitentiary. Well, if he really likes the kid’s mother or is sterile. Seriously, this is messed up.

26. Handsome Italian businessman seeking lifelong companion to give up everything and join him in an undisclosed location.

Now I don't want to be stereotypical here or offend any Italians reading this. Yet, I'm not saying this guy is from the Mafia but reading about an "Italian businessman entering witness protection" you have to wonder. Seriously, ladies, you might want to take a pass on this one. Besides, being on witness protection is a bad time to post a personal ad.

Now I don’t want to be stereotypical here or offend any Italians reading this. Yet, I’m not saying this guy is from the Mafia but reading about an “Italian businessman entering witness protection” you have to wonder. Seriously, ladies, you might want to take a pass on this one. Besides, being on witness protection is a bad time to post a personal ad.

27. Homeless musician seeks vulnerable runaway who’s at least 18.

Well, the good news is a Dodge Dart isn't a windowless van. But still, I wonder how old this guy is. Let's hope he's at least under 30.

Well, the good news is a Dodge Dart isn’t a windowless van. But still, I wonder how old this guy is. Let’s hope he’s at least under 30.

28. Single man seeks woman so he can enjoy a threesome with his furniture.

I'm sure if he wanted any action with his antique Danish furniture, I'm sure he wouldn't post a personal ad in the paper. Unfortunately, English was not his best subject in school, which makes him the kind of guy who likes to hump inanimate objects.

I’m sure if he wanted any action with his antique Danish furniture, I’m sure he wouldn’t post a personal ad in the paper. Unfortunately, English was not his best subject in school, which makes him the kind of guy who likes to hump inanimate objects.

29. Farmer seeks housekeeper and possible girlfriend.

I know that this guy is lonely, but I think this farmer can't help himself with "mate" as if he wants to put his housekeeper together with a bull.

I know that this guy is lonely, but I think this farmer can’t help himself with “mate” as if he wants to put his housekeeper together with a bull or other animal.

30. Unemployed screenwriter in this 50s seeks 20 some blond girl as muse. Oh, she’s paying for her own dinner.

Hmmm....this almost seems like a personal ad Dixon Steele would post from In a Lonely Place since he fits the guy's description though he may not be technically unemployed. Yet, he did date a 20 some blonde played by Gloria Grahame. Of course, he may have forgotten to include "under suspicion of murder" and "has major anger issues."

Hmmm….this almost seems like a personal ad Dixon Steele would post from In a Lonely Place since he fits the guy’s description though he may not be technically unemployed. Yet, he did date a 20 some blonde played by Gloria Grahame. Of course, he may have forgotten to include “under suspicion of murder” and “has major anger issues.”

31. Sometimes you can tell what a man does just by the way he describes himself.

This man is a mechanic since he's describing himself like he's a car. Of course, being a 1932 issue, it's no surprise he's a senior citizen who's had parts replaced.

This man is a mechanic since he’s describing himself like he’s a car. Of course, being a 1932 issue, it’s no surprise he’s a senior citizen who’s had parts replaced.

32. From how I read this, I guess this is a manga/anime nerd with a Japanese fetish.

By the way, endmame is preparation of immature soy bean pods while a bento box is a serving dish container mostly used for Japanese food. However, I'm not sure of what to make with "samurai sensuality" which may suggest that the author is female but I could be wrong.

By the way, edamame is an Asian preparation of immature soy bean pods while a bento box is a serving dish container mostly used for Japanese food. However, I’m not sure of what to make with “samurai sensuality” which may suggest that the author is female but I could be wrong. Then again, I’m not sure if this person knows what “edamame” or “bento box” mean.

33. Single male seeks single woman to entertain at kiddie birthday party?

Okay, if a guy wants someone to entertain for his kid's birthday party, I'm sure a clown of either sex would do nicely, especially when it pertains to balloon animals. This guy is looking for something more but won't admit it.

Okay, if a guy wants someone to entertain for his kid’s birthday party, I’m sure a clown of either sex would do nicely, especially when it pertains to balloon animals. This guy is looking for something more but won’t admit it.

34. For those seeking a good Christian man and an open marriage, you can’t do better than this guy ladies.

Of course, this guy is divorced. Apparently, the ex wasn't too keen on his unconventional lifestyle. Also likes skinny dipping just so you know.

Of course, this guy is divorced. Apparently, the ex wasn’t too keen on his unconventional lifestyle. Also likes skinny dipping just so you know.

35. Of course, some people like to post personal ads just to say how much they miss their ex or not.

When you first read this you think this guy wants his ex-girlfriend back. Turns out he just wants the TV. Man, what's with people these days?

When you first read this you think this guy wants his ex-girlfriend back. Turns out he just wants the TV. Man, what’s with people these days?

36. Well, when you hit a certain age, sometimes you have to be honest in your expectations.

Yeah, when you're a 69 year old woman, you really can't ask for fit and handsome, can you?

Yeah, when you’re a 69 year old woman, you really can’t ask for fit and handsome, can you? Of course, she’s probably honest about the low energy lifestyle since she’s overweight and likes to eat.

37. Be wary of the personal ad by those seeking forbidden fruit.

Let's see Palestinian woman wants to meet Jewish man and travel to Israel. What can possibly go wrong with that? I can name a lot of reasons why this woman is asking for trouble.

Let’s see Palestinian woman wants to meet Jewish man and travel to Israel. What can possibly go wrong with that? I can name a lot of reasons why this woman is asking for trouble.

38. When it comes to the rebound, some people just don’t know when they should start dating again.

Seems like Jim Stone isn't quite over Marcy Teddle despite her cheating on him. Seriously, he might need to see a therapist and work out his feels before putting himself out there. Did somebody say too soon?

Seems like Jim Stone isn’t quite over Marcy Teddle despite her cheating on him. Seriously, he might need to see a therapist and work out his feels before putting himself out there. Did somebody say too soon?

39. Some people think personal ads are beneath their dignity, others not so much.

Seems like this woman isn't afraid to put herself out there by putting down prospective suitors. Or lowering her standards in regards to men and footwear. Probably not helping her case.

Seems like this woman isn’t afraid to put herself out there by putting down prospective suitors. Or lowering her standards in regards to men and footwear. Probably not helping her case.

40. Some people can also use personal ads for not just getting a date but also seeking employment or shelter.

Man, this guy may be a homeless gold digger but at least he admits and is willing to work hard for his keep as a Pilates instructor/giggolo. Now I haven't heard that before.

Man, this guy may be a homeless gold digger but at least he admits and is willing to work hard for his keep as a Pilates instructor/gigolo. Now I haven’t heard that before.

41. Of course, unrealistic expectations don’t always have to pertain to looks.

Now outdoor enjoyment is fine but understanding DNA replication? That's kind of impossible. However, if this was Sheldon Cooper's personal ad, it somehow seemed to pay off.

Now outdoor enjoyment is fine but understanding DNA replication? That’s kind of impossible. However, if this was Sheldon Cooper’s personal ad, it somehow seemed to pay off on The Big Bang Theory.

42. Of course, it’s not single men who posts personals in the paper.

Ladies, remember when a guy's personal ad contains the word, "mistress" understand that he's married, not looking for anything serious or long term, and won't leave his wife for you. Nice try, Don Draper.

Ladies, remember when a guy’s personal ad contains the word, “mistress” understand that he’s married, not looking for anything serious or long term, and won’t leave his wife for you. Nice try, Don Draper.

43.Of course, there are some things happen in Vegas, that should stay in Vegas.

Man, whoever "Ann" is, seems like she'll be pretty embarrassed when she sees this. Also, I don't know what to make of the guy's picture. But at least he's smart enough to include it.

Man, whoever “Ann” is, seems like she’ll be pretty embarrassed when she sees this. Also, I don’t know what to make of the guy’s picture. But at least he’s smart enough to include it.

44. We all know that looks shouldn’t matter but some guys just can’t resist.

Basically this guy is saying to women, "I don't care what you look like as long as you fit into my ideal physical specifications. Hey, I'm not picky since I didn't specify race, color, creed or hair color." Well, he's probably the most open minded guy you'd see---at a Victora's Secret fashion show!

Basically this guy is saying to women, “I don’t care what you look like as long as you fit into my ideal physical specifications. Hey, I’m not picky since I didn’t specify race, color, creed or hair color.” Well, he’s probably the most open minded guy you’d see—at a Victora’s Secret fashion show!

45. Now when it comes to personal ads, it’s important that you’d be a nonsmoker to some, most of the time.

Apparently, this woman thinks that a "nonsmoker" is someone who only smokes cigarettes. However, conventional wisdom and/or personal experience shows that the vast majority of tobacco users usually smoke cigarettes. Seriously, almost all the smokers I've seen in my life use them.

Apparently, this woman thinks that a “nonsmoker” is someone who only smokes cigarettes. However, conventional wisdom and/or personal experience shows that the vast majority of tobacco users usually smoke cigarettes. Seriously, almost all the smokers I’ve seen in my life use them.

46. Crazy Christian lady seeks good Christian man.

I know that most people with mental health issues are perhaps only marginally violent as everyone else. Yet, I can't help looking at this and think about Margaret White from the famous Stephen King novel, Carrie. Yet, I don't think she was a schizophrenic. Just nuts.

I know that most people with mental health issues are perhaps only marginally violent as everyone else. Yet, I can’t help looking at this and think about Margaret White from the famous Stephen King novel, Carrie. Yet, I don’t think she was a schizophrenic. Just nuts.

47. Middle aged man seeks guy to hang out with him, play with trains and mutual touching. But is totally not gay.

This guy may be open about his model trains, but he's totally in the closet as far as I'm concerned. Also, the selfie kind of creeps me out.

This guy may be open about his model trains, but he’s totally in the closet as far as I’m concerned. Also, the selfie kind of creeps me out.

48. Even muppets can have personal ads. This is Snuffy’s.

Man, you remember watching Sesame Street as a child and when you read stuff by them, it kind of ruins your childhood. I'll certainly never think of Snuffy the same way again. By the way, how does he? Oh, never mind.

Man, you remember watching Sesame Street as a child and when you read stuff by them, it kind of ruins your childhood. I’ll certainly never think of Snuffy the same way again. By the way, how does he? Oh, never mind.

49. While some people have impossible relationship standards, others can’t raise their standards high enough.

This woman has a sever case of classic co-dependent syndrome. I bet the guy who fits the "you" description is probably her ex and I can see she may still miss him. This woman needs a therapist badly.

This woman has a sever case of classic co-dependent syndrome. I bet the guy who fits the “you” description is probably her ex and I can see she may still miss him. This woman needs a therapist badly.

50. When it comes to sexual harassment, sometimes people just take it a little bit to extreme.

Hey, you have to give this woman credit for trying to be consistent. Yet, I'm not sure if the guy who groped her in a bar is willing to give his address after she threatened to kill him.

Hey, you have to give this woman credit for trying to be consistent. Yet, I’m not sure if the guy who groped her in a bar is willing to give his address after she threatened to kill him.

51. There’s nothing like a personal ad that says, “I’m turned off by your sarcasm and indifference but if you still want me, I’ll buy an extra ticket to Europe.”

Hey, Emilie, I think you might want to take a tip from Elsa and just let it go if he's just not into you. Then again, you're probably living in the 19th century and are probably trying to please your parents.

Hey, Emilie, I think you might want to take a tip from Elsa and just let it go if he’s just not into you. Then again, you’re probably living in the 19th century and are probably trying to please your parents.

52. Go back in time with me, and bring your own weapons.

Good: This guy is willing to pay money. Bad: Asks to bring weapons and says the time travel idea isn't a joke. Says he's done this before and safety isn't guaranteed. Verdict: Must be nuts.

Good: This guy is willing to pay money.
Bad: Asks to bring weapons and says the time travel idea isn’t a joke. Says he’s done this before and safety isn’t guaranteed.
Verdict: Must be nuts.

53. Sometimes I can’t tell whether this guy is looking for a woman or a piece of meat.

I'm sure this guy is either hungry for love or just plain hungry for a hotdog or burger with mustard. Also describes himself as a rib eye, but I don't know what he means by that.

I’m sure this guy is either hungry for love or just plain hungry for a hotdog or burger with mustard. Also describes himself as a rib eye, but I don’t know what he means by that.

54. Some people do personal ads just to know where they stand, sexually.

Since when does making a certain noise make you seem gay? Also, why talk about getting brain surgery in a newspaper? Besides, what's the deal with the noise and what kind does it make?

Since when does making a certain noise make you seem gay? Also, why talk about getting brain surgery in a newspaper? Besides, what’s the deal with the noise and what kind does it make?

55. When it comes to the perfect woman, some already know what they’re looking for.

I bet "H. M. C." stands for "the Honorable Matthew Crawley." I mean this description just screams Lady Mary here. Too bad what happened to him in Season 3. So remember, boys, drive responsibly.

I bet “H. M. C.” stands for “the Honorable Matthew Crawley.” I mean this description just screams Lady Mary here. Too bad what happened to him in Season 3. So remember, boys, drive responsibly.

56. Some guys have impossible standards, others have enormous egos.

Now if a guy says he's a perfect human specimen, you know he's full of it. Also says that he wants them disease free and not overweight. And he talks about how his van is broken down.

Now if a guy says he’s a perfect human specimen, you know he’s full of it. Also says that he wants them disease free and not overweight. And he talks about how his van is broken down.

57. Man seeks German woman with bookkeeping skills and titanic Teutonic titties.

I wonder what a 36 bust translates nowadays in bra sizes? Guess that the old timey Hooters owner needs a secretary and/or mistress.

I wonder what a 36 bust translates nowadays in bra sizes? Guess that the old timey Hooters owner needs a secretary and/or mistress.

58. Charge up and jerk off with this guy.

Okay, this guy doesn't look too bad. Yet, though his crystal wearing masturbation might work well for him, let's just say he won't be a motivational speaker with that kind of material.

Okay, this guy doesn’t look too bad. Yet, though his crystal wearing masturbation might work well for him, let’s just say he won’t be a motivational speaker with that kind of material.

59. Divorced cat lady wants to ride a blue balled man’s ivory tower.

Man, this cat lady already has 7 cats and is desperate for companionship. Hey, at least she knows where to look for a change. Besides, she's been divorced.

Man, this cat lady already has 7 cats and is desperate for companionship. Hey, at least she knows where to look for a change. Besides, she’s been divorced.

60. Social climber seeks friend to score middle aged rich men.

And she wants a lady friend to drive her places to score with high class men, kind of like Anna Nicole Smith. Of course, she could just get a chauffeur or drive herself.

And she wants a lady friend to drive her places to score with high class men, kind of like Anna Nicole Smith. Of course, she could just get a chauffeur or drive herself.

61. Snob seeks hipster to have dinner and complain about eating shitty restaurant food.

Of course, seeing the word, "white" on this doesn't make me think this is a nice guy. Also, I'm not sure if a cultural imperialist and a hipster would make a great couple, if they're totally different things.

Of course, seeing the word, “white” on this doesn’t make me think this is a nice guy. Also, I’m not sure if a cultural imperialist and a hipster would make a great couple, if they’re totally different things.

62. Ang Lee fan seeks camping and fishing buddy. Must be married and not act gay.

Of course, Ang Lee is well known to direct a film about two married men who go on a weekend camping and fishing trip. And we all know how that turned out.

Of course, Ang Lee is well known to direct a film about two married men who go on a weekend camping and fishing trip. And we all know how that turned out.

63. Chess champ seeks queenside for special endgame.

When it comes to that night in Bangkok, Gary K is the guy who doesn't just get his kicks above the waistline, baby. Bangkok, gets the creme de la creme of the chess world which has everything but Yul Brynner because The King and I is banned there.

When it comes to that night in Bangkok, Gary K is the guy who doesn’t just get his kicks above the waistline, sunshine. Bangkok, gets the creme de la creme of the chess world which has everything but Yul Brynner because The King and I is banned there.

64. Single woman wants man to buy her a drink, and no alcoholics please.

Something tells me that she's been with a few alcoholics a bars before. Not to mention, I wouldn't be surprised if a drunk answered her ad since some of the worst alcoholics don't realize they have a drinking problem.

Something tells me that she’s been with a few alcoholics a bars before. Not to mention, I wouldn’t be surprised if a drunk answered her ad since some of the worst alcoholics don’t realize they have a drinking problem.

65. This guy has everything a woman wants, save one testicle.

Hey, at least the guy is somewhat attractive, smart, and has a good job. Maybe having one ball shouldn't be grounds against him. Seriously, ladies, you might want to give this guy a chance, unless he's Lance Armstrong.

Hey, at least the guy is somewhat attractive, smart, and has a good job. Maybe having one ball shouldn’t be grounds against him. Seriously, ladies, you might want to give this guy a chance, unless he’s Lance Armstrong.

66. You know a guy is behind the times when he mentions “payphone” and “beeper” in his personal ad.

Also, while this guy seems rich enough to fly places, he's still poor enough to call from the nearest payphone. As if he doesn't have a phone of his own. Also, beepers are bygone 1990s technology that's only used by doctors these days.

Also, while this guy seems rich enough to fly places, he’s still poor enough to call from the nearest payphone. As if he doesn’t have a phone of his own. Also, beepers are bygone 1990s technology that’s only used by doctors these days.

67. Sugar daddy seeks college girl. Will pay for everything.

This guy may be a pig, but he's not stupid. Seriously, ladies, he basically offers to pay for student loans and teach business skills. Still, no matter how broke or single I am, I'm not that desperate.

This guy may be a pig, but he’s not stupid. Seriously, ladies, he basically offers to pay for student loans and teach business skills. Still, no matter how broke or single I am, I’m not that desperate.

68. 33 year old man seeks lady that smells like strawberry air freshener.

Guess any girl interested must buy their strawberry smelling perfume from Glade. You know, basically they have to smell that way before he could plug it in, plug it in.

Guess any girl interested must buy their strawberry smelling perfume from Glade. You know, basically they have to smell that way before he could plug it in, plug it in.

69. Of course, it’s hard for people to make it in the dating world, especially if they have STDs.

Hey, he may have genital warts but you have to admire his honesty. Also, for those who don't know "420" is marijuana.

Hey, he may have genital warts but you have to admire his honesty. Also, for those who don’t know “420” is marijuana.

70. Miniature stallion breeder seeks mare to ride on.

I'm sure "miniature" just applies to the horses and not the man. Nevertheless, he does have a way with words and knows what he's looking for.

I’m sure “miniature” just applies to the horses and not the man. Nevertheless, he does have a way with words and knows what he’s looking for.

71. Woman wanted for excursion on taco truck and maybe a little tongue.

By the way, "lengua" is Spanish for tongue and it's used to refer to "beef tongue." Of course, to eat that, a woman must have a stomach of steel so I don't. Also, the beans might give you gas, as seen on Blazing Saddles.

By the way, “lengua” is Spanish for tongue and it’s used to refer to “beef tongue.” Of course, to eat that, a woman must have a stomach of steel so I don’t. Also, the beans might give you gas, as seen on Blazing Saddles.

72. In some cases, there are guys who think bigger is better.

I don't know about you but what are the chances that this is one of those Hummer driving guys who's probably compensating for something. Also, seeks women with big boobs.

I don’t know about you but what are the chances that this is one of those Hummer driving guys who’s probably compensating for something. Also, seeks women with big boobs.

73. Seems like a lot of Amazons want to swing from Tarzan’s big vine these days, figuratively speaking.

Of course, anyone who's seen Tarzan movies or read the book by Edgar Rice Burroughs, we all know that Tarzan is already taken since he has Jane. Also, how is it possible to have Amazons in Africa, they're from Russia as far a Greek mythology is concerned.

Of course, anyone who’s seen Tarzan movies or read the book by Edgar Rice Burroughs, we all know that Tarzan is already taken since he has Jane. Also, how is it possible to have Amazons in Africa, they’re from Russia as far a Greek mythology is concerned.

74. Perverted reclusive dirty old movie star seeks Chinese girl but has Japanese fetish.

For God's sake, the only way you can tell an East Asian from another is by their names or culture. Unless you live there, you can't tell a Chinese apart from a Japanese if you see them on the street. At least in America. Still, this guy's kind of a pervert with an East Asian fetish for some reason. So a Chinese girl isn't much of a new leaf for him.

For God’s sake, the only way you can tell an East Asian from another is by their names or culture. Unless you live there, you can’t tell a Chinese apart from a Japanese if you see them on the street. At least in America. Still, this guy’s kind of a pervert with an East Asian fetish for some reason. So a Chinese girl isn’t much of a new leaf for him.

75. Guy in track suit bottoms seeks girl in pajamas with possible substance issues.

I don't know about you but when I see someone smoking in their pajamas with a bottle of vodka on the street, "gorgeous" doesn't enter my mind. Also, I don't want to know what the guy does in his sweatpants. Seriously, I don't want to know.

I don’t know about you but when I see someone smoking in their pajamas with a bottle of vodka on the street, “gorgeous” doesn’t enter my mind. Also, I don’t want to know what the guy does in his sweatpants. Seriously, I don’t want to know.

76. Internet dating? That’s for creeps. Real men use flyers to put themselves out there.

Not only that, but this guy mostly uses lower case letters and misspelled the word, "tacos." Also "blue rays" has an apostrophe. Not to mention, I don't know who this guy is but he's not scoring points with English teachers.

Not only that, but this guy mostly uses lower case letters and misspelled the word, “tacos.” Also “blue rays” has an apostrophe. Not to mention, I don’t know who this guy is but he’s not scoring points with English teachers.

77. For the handsome Game of Thrones fan, this New Orleans woman just might be the girl of your dreams.

Now when she finds her Robb Stark, she probably wouldn't want to have a Game of Thrones wedding. I mean we all wouldn't want George R. R. Martin as a wedding planner do we? That's like asking Quentin Tarantino to plan a child's birthday party. Nevertheless, at least she didn't request Ned Stark who only lasts one season on the HBO show.

Now when she finds her Robb Stark, she probably wouldn’t want to have a Game of Thrones wedding. I mean we all wouldn’t want George R. R. Martin as a wedding planner do we? That’s like asking Quentin Tarantino to plan a child’s birthday party. Nevertheless, at least she didn’t request Ned Stark who only lasts one season on the HBO show.

78. Even homeless guys might want to look for love some time, sort of.

Of course, this guy isn't really homeless, he just pretends to be one to get girls. Why he does it, I have no idea. Not to mention, I bet he got the name, "Bubbles" from The Wire.

Of course, this guy isn’t really homeless, he just pretends to be one to get girls. Why he does it, I have no idea. Not to mention, I bet he got the name, “Bubbles” from The Wire.

79. Trailer man seeks woman just so he can pay the bills.

Actually, he's only seeking a "girlfriend" because he can't seek a guy to move in with him. Also seems to want a woman who just minds her own business but she can't have a cat. Of course, I'm not sure what to think of his sexual preference or financial situation.

Actually, he’s only seeking a “girlfriend” because he can’t seek a guy to move in with him. Also seems to want a woman who just minds her own business but she can’t have a cat. Of course, I’m not sure what to think of his sexual preference or financial situation.

80. Web slinging Spiderman seeks bondage buddy, but not in a gay way, please.

I don't know about you but it seems to me that Spidey might be trapped in the closet. And I thought he and Mary Jane were getting along fine. Guess not.

I don’t know about you but it seems to me that Spidey might be trapped in the closet. And I thought he and Mary Jane were getting along fine. Guess not.

Make a Wish and Blow Out the Candles for These Birthday Party Cakes

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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My birthday is on January 13th in which I’ll turn 25 this year and since I don’t have many ideas for January that involve cakes (save maybe Martin Luther King Jr. Day but I don’t want to go there), I thought a post about birthday cakes would be appropriate. I mean I’ve done one on baby shower and wedding cakes, so why not? Nevertheless, birthdays are usually celebrated with cakes and presents for the guest of honor at parties and such. Still, when you get technical about birthdays, you basically only have one of them such as the day you were born. The rest of what we call, “birthdays” are basically anniversaries of that moment as we get older. Of course, I’ve also been to a lot of birthday parties as well, mainly for little babies since I’m the oldest of 24 grandchildren on my mother’s side (the youngest who celebrated her first birthday this year, but I didn’t go to her party since she lives in Maryland), which is why I really don’t look forward to parties in general (other reasons being booze and loud music). Still, it’s always been tradition for people to have cakes specifically designed for them whether it be homemade or ordered from the store (the main focus of this post). And I bet birthday cakes make up a large percentage of bakeries’ earnings followed by weddings, christenings, anniversaries, etc. Though I can go on and on about the cute little birthday cakes I’ve seen, chances are you’d probably be bored to tears. Instead, I’ll show you all the kinds of cakes that are, horribly done, inappropriate for the birthday person’s age, offensive, or just so bad they’re unintentionally funny. Some of these might not be safe for work just to make that clear. So for your pleasure, here are some birthday cakes, gone horribly wrong.

1. What better cake for a boy’s birthday than a Star Wars one, featuring Jedi with light sabers, Boba Fett, Imperial Stormtroopers, and the Enterprise?

Let's hope this 7-year-old boy isn't part of the Star Wars vs. Star Trek fandom rivalry or else he's probably throw a tantrum. Still, we all should know that the Enterprise is from a whole different franchise! Such cake would certainly piss geeks off, at Comic Con and I'm sure this baker wouldn't want to be seen there.

Let’s hope this 7-year-old boy isn’t part of the Star Wars vs. Star Trek fandom rivalry or else he’s probably throw a tantrum. Still, we all should know that the Enterprise is from a whole different franchise! Such cake would certainly piss geeks off, at Comic Con and I’m sure this baker wouldn’t want to be seen there.

2. Nothing is better for a girl’s 21st birthday than a cake with Drunk Barbie puking in the toilet.

And I thought Barbie was supposed to be a good role model for girls, other than in terms of body image that is. Still, binge drinking is a real problem of teenagers and young adults, especially on college campuses. And it's a behavior that should never be encouraged. Still, they have a few of these and one with Ken, too, for boys.

And I thought Barbie was supposed to be a good role model for girls, other than in terms of body image that is. Still, binge drinking is a real problem of teenagers and young adults, especially on college campuses. And it’s a behavior that should never be encouraged. Still, they have a few of these and one with Ken, too, for boys.

3. Happy Birthday to the world’s youngest dad ever.

Now I think it's more likely that this was an inscriber's mistake and the guy who receives this is probably 80, not 8. Still, it's very disturbing if you think about it since a boy's chances of fatherhood in the second grade would be highly unlikely. That is, unless some woman molested him.

Now I think it’s more likely that this was an inscriber’s mistake and the guy who receives this is probably 80, not 8. Still, it’s very disturbing if you think about it since a boy’s chances of fatherhood in the second grade would be highly unlikely. That is, unless some woman molested him.

4. Happy birthday to the person who might need to see a podiatrist.

I know that this foot is supposed to represent a step or something. But still, that looks disgusting. Let's just say no to a cake pertaining to foot disease, shall we?

I know that this foot is supposed to represent a step or something. But still, that looks disgusting. Let’s just say no to a cake pertaining to foot disease, shall we?

5. For the girl who’s just become a teenager, I suppose a cake with boobs would go quite nicely.

For God's sake, as if sexualizing young girls and teenagers isn't enough. Seriously, sure girls may have breasts by the time they're 13, but that's no reason for getting a boob cake for them on their 13th birthdays! Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this girl's parents?

For God’s sake, as if sexualizing young girls and teenagers isn’t enough. Seriously, sure girls may have breasts by the time they’re 13, but that’s no reason for getting a boob cake for them on their 13th birthdays! Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this girl’s parents?

6. There is a no more appropriate cake for a 16-year old than one with the Bud Light logo on it….when he or she turns 21 five years later.

Seriously, what the fuck? Putting a Bud Light logo for a 16 year old's birthday cake? Teen drinking is illegal and anyone caught with a Bud Light gets arrested for under aged drinking. It's even worse for adults who serve alcohol to teens. For God's sake, why?

Seriously, what the fuck? Putting a Bud Light logo for a 16 year old’s birthday cake? Teen drinking is illegal and anyone caught with a Bud Light gets arrested for under aged drinking. It’s even worse for adults who serve alcohol to teens. For God’s sake, why?

7. Happy 17th birthday, baby girl, and hope you don’t go into labor at prom.

Those who've seen my post on baby shower cakes would be familiar with this design. And if a pregnant torso cake is bad enough for a baby shower, then one for girl's 17th birthday is just very inappropriate. Seriously, we have 16 and Pregnant, daytime talk shows, and Teen Mom, do we have to have anything else pertaining to teen pregnancy?

Those who’ve seen my post on baby shower cakes would be familiar with this design, which I thought was in very poor taste. And if a pregnant torso cake is bad enough for a baby shower, then one for girl’s 17th birthday is just very inappropriate. Seriously, we have 16 and Pregnant, sex ed, daytime talk shows, and Teen Mom, do we have to have anything else pertaining to teen pregnancy?

8. Sure I’m perfectly fine with a castle cake for a little girl’s birthday party, especially if it has a princess theme. What can possibly go wrong with that?

Then again, perhaps this cake isn't appropriate for Aubrie's birthday party and perhaps more suitable for her bachelorette party when she gets older. Seriously, there's just something phallic about those pink castle towers for some reason. Maybe the baker shouldn't have gone with cones.

Then again, perhaps this cake isn’t appropriate for Aubrie’s birthday party and perhaps more suitable for her bachelorette party when she gets older. Seriously, there’s just something phallic about those pink castle towers for some reason. Maybe the baker shouldn’t have gone with cones.

9. Happy 4th Birthday, Dylan, and by the way, we had Peanut put down.

The parents probably thought their plan was a success since their son Dylan still hadn't learned to read. But still, if Peanut had died when Dylan turned 5, then he probably would've ran out of the room crying. Nevertheless, is there any birthday cake for a 4-year-old more depressing than this?

The parents probably thought their plan was a success since their son Dylan still hadn’t learned to read. But still, if Peanut had died when Dylan turned 5, then he probably would’ve ran out of the room crying. Nevertheless, is there any birthday cake for a 4-year-old more depressing than this?

10. Happy Birthday, to uh, what’s his name again?

Of course, if you're the person at the office who has to order a cake for a co-worker and you can't remember his or her name, then this is the perfect cake for you.

Of course, if you’re the person at the office who has to order a cake for a co-worker and you can’t remember his or her name, then this is the perfect cake for you.

11. Nothing makes a better birthday cake for a 6-year-old girl than one with a lot of dangerous weapons that can kill you, courtesy of the NRA.

Why the fuck would anybody order a birthday cake like that for a little girl? Now gender differences aside, I think a cake pertaining to Disney Princesses, Barbie, or My Little Pony would've been more appropriate. Also, cakes that look pink and feminine as well as catered to little girls. Any of those choices would've been much more appropriate than having a theme for a little girl's cake that advocates violence. I just wonder what's going through Mercedes' parents' minds.

Why the fuck would anybody order a birthday cake like that for a little girl? Now I have nothing against this cake being for a girl. Yet, I think a cake pertaining to Disney Princesses, Barbie, or My Little Pony would’ve done fine (same goes for boys as well). Also, cakes that look pink and feminine as well as catered to little girls (though if boys like that, that’s okay, too). Any of those choices would’ve been much more appropriate for any 6 year old’s cake than a theme advocating violence. I just wonder what’s going through Mercedes’ parents’ minds (NRA diehards who probably did this to show their support for the 2nd Amendment, assholes). This is just fucking insane!

12. Of course, what better venue could there be for a baby’s first birthday than Hooters?

Jesus Christ, can there be a worse place to celebrate a baby's first birthday than at a restaurant known for their scantily clad waitresses with enhanced sex appeal? Then again, there are strip clubs and night clubs. Still, just E. J. is the child of one of the staff.

Jesus Christ, can there be a worse place to celebrate a baby’s first birthday than at a restaurant known for their scantily clad waitresses with enhanced sex appeal? Then again, there are strip clubs and night clubs. Still, just E. J. is the child of one of the staff.

13. No cake theme commemorates a baby’s first birthday better than deer hunting season.

Sure the scenery may be pretty and S. J. won't remember a thing about this special day. But, c'mon, is a cake depicting the last moments of a buck's life an appropriate subject for a first birthday cake? Perhaps it would be better just to remove the hunter.

Sure the scenery may be pretty and S. J. won’t remember a thing about this special day. But, c’mon, is a cake depicting the last moments of a buck’s life an appropriate subject for a first birthday cake? Perhaps it would be better just to remove the hunter.

14. Man, turning a year old must be a big milestone in a person’s life isn’t it?

If by, Levi, you mean your pet hamster, then yes, I'm sure this will do fine since they only live for 2-4 years anyway. However, if by Levi, you mean your child, then what the hell? One year olds are still babies who might be on the verge of walking if they aren't all ready. That isn't over the hill at all. Not even close. That's barely climbing it.

If by, Levi, you mean your pet hamster, then yes, I’m sure this will do fine since they only live for 2-4 years anyway. However, if by Levi, you mean your child, then what the hell? One year olds are still babies who might be on the verge of walking if they aren’t all ready. That isn’t over the hill at all. Not even close even for Benjamin Button. That’s barely climbing it.

15. Happy second, I mean first birthday little Ritchie. I’m confused.

Maybe the boy's parents couldn't get a cake shaped like a 1 so they got him a 2 cake instead. Either that, or the bakers made a mistake. Still, talk about getting your years mixed up.

Maybe the boy’s parents couldn’t get a cake shaped like a 1 so they got him a 2 cake instead. Either that, or the bakers made a mistake. Still, talk about getting your years mixed up.

16. Now this is certainly a first birthday cake with a 1 on it or so it’s suppose to be.

Okay, now that may not look like a 1. Seriously, there's something phallic about that number for some reason. Nevertheless, if a baker can't do a 1 properly, he or she could just have cut a straight line. This cake seems like it's more cut out for a bachelorette party than a baby one.

Okay, now that may not look like a 1. Seriously, there’s something phallic about that number for some reason. Nevertheless, if a baker can’t do a 1 properly, he or she could just have cut a straight line. This cake seems like it’s more cut out for a bachelorette party than a baby one.

17. Best wishes for your second birthday, John, courtesy of angry Big Bird.

If Sesame Street's Big Bird was a character from the Angry Birds game, he'd look like this. Seriously, that's such a a terrible rendition and I'm sure every 2 year old would know that Big Bird doesn't look like that.

If Sesame Street’s Big Bird was a character from the Angry Birds game, he’d look like this. Seriously, that’s such a a terrible rendition and I’m sure every 2 year old would know that Big Bird doesn’t look like that.

18. Hope your birthday is filled with high times, Tawn.

If this cake is made from hashish brownies, then it's safe to say that it probably came from a marijuana bakery from Colorado or Washington. Still, other than the brown patch in the corner, it's a birthday cake Willie Nelson would approve.

If this cake is made from hashish brownies, then it’s safe to say that it probably came from a marijuana bakery from Colorado or Washington. Still, other than the brown patch in the corner, it’s a birthday cake Willie Nelson would approve. Hope the guests manage to toke a piece from this pastry of weed.

19. Happy Birthday, Mel, from your defecating My Little Pony.

Seems that Rarity doesn't take too well to Mexican food for some reason. Either that, or she has a case for diarrhea real bad with a perhaps spastic colon. Guess she should go see the vet about that.

Seems that Rarity (and I had to look her name up) doesn’t take too well to Mexican food for some reason. Either that, or she has a case for diarrhea real bad with a perhaps spastic colon. Guess she should go see the vet about that. Yet, her shitting is a rarity, folks.

19. Of course, you can’t throw a kid’s birthday party without a cake of Cookie Monster having a beer.

Sure cookies may not be nutritious snacks, but at least they're better for Cookie Monster to consume on a child's birthday cake than a swig of beer. Seriously, Cookie Monster's alcohol consumption really isn't making him a good role model on Sesame Street. Still, I kind of wish Cooke Monster would go back to eating cookies.

Sure cookies may not be nutritious snacks, but at least they’re better for Cookie Monster to consume on a child’s birthday cake than a swig of beer. Seriously, Cookie Monster’s alcohol consumption really isn’t making him a good role model on Sesame Street. Still, I kind of wish Cooke Monster would go back to eating cookies. And is that pink spot a nipple? Gross!

20. Happy a-5th Birthday, Tony, courtesy of the 1970s porn incarnation of Mario.

Sure Mario may be wearing overalls, but this isn't really a picture of him I'd like to see on a child's birthday cake, especially for a 5-year-old. Still, Princess Peach must've thought Mario looked sexy in that outfit.

Sure Mario may be wearing overalls, but this isn’t really a picture of him I’d like to see on a child’s birthday cake, especially for a 5-year-old. Still, Princess Peach must’ve thought Mario looked sexy in that outfit.

21. Happy 40th birthday, Shelley, from the Dominatrix Hello Kitty.

This is the kind of birthday cake you give to a woman who has a thing for Hello Kitty as well as the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy. What would even be funnier would be if Hello Kitty was with a grey Tomcat in this one. Nevertheless, unlike some of the other cakes so far, this is at least age appropriate despite its disturbing implications.

This is the kind of birthday cake you give to a woman who has a thing for Hello Kitty as well as the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy. What would even be funnier would be if Hello Kitty was with a grey Tomcat in this one. Nevertheless, unlike some of the other cakes so far, this is at least age appropriate and doesn’t promote bad behavior despite its disturbing implications.

22. Nothing makes a better birthday cake than one depicting a standing 2 legged horse with chainsaws.

If Leatherface wanted a pony when he was growing up, this bronco would've been perfect. Still, whoever came up with this idea must not have been right in the head to say the least. That, or probably thought a cake with a horse and chainsaws would've been cool.

If Leatherface wanted a pony when he was growing up, this bronco would’ve been perfect. Still, whoever came up with this idea must not have been right in the head to say the least. That, or probably thought a cake with a horse and chainsaws would’ve been cool.

23. You see, kids, unicorns do expel rainbows from their behinds.

Of course, we all know that horses shit a lot, do we? Still, unlike the boob cake, this is certainly appropriate for a 13 year old girl. Disgusting, but appropriate.

Of course, we all know that horses shit a lot, do we? Still, unlike the boob cake, this is certainly appropriate for a 13 year old girl. Disgusting, but appropriate.

24. Nothing says, “Happy Birthday” better for a girl than a dangerous impaling unicorn on the rampage.

Still, while the other unicorn cake was probably accidental in the design, this one was probably done on purpose. I'm sure Katherine isn't a young girl in the least. Still, despite being traumatizing to kids, it's pretty funny.

Still, while the other unicorn cake was probably accidental in the design, this one was probably done on purpose. I’m sure Katherine isn’t a young girl in the least. Still, despite being traumatizing to kids, it’s pretty funny.

25. Happy Birthday, Scott, from Shitting Bull.

Of course, with Scott being at least a teenager, I'm sure he'd find a cake like this hilarious. Seriously, there's a lot of bathroom humor on Comedy Central, which is a channel popular for boys his age.

Of course, with Scott being at least a teenager, I’m sure he’d find a cake like this hilarious. Seriously, there’s a lot of bathroom humor on Comedy Central, which is a channel popular for boys his age.

26. Of course, for a 4 year old girl, you can’t go wrong with a horse cake.

Man, that horse sure looks creepy and it doesn't seem in the mood for sugar cubes. Perhaps it's after little girls' souls.

Man, that horse sure looks creepy and it doesn’t seem in the mood for sugar cubes. Perhaps it’s after little girls’ souls. Still, at least it doesn’t look like it’s from The Godfather.

27. Now this would be a perfect cake for someone in the exterminating business.

Then again, the dead hamster on its wheel kind of suggests that it wasn't ordered by a person who had much esteem for the guest of honor. In fact, he or she is probably someone who let the other person watch their pet hamster who died while he or she was on vacation. Still, it's possible that the hamster probably was 2-4 years old and died of natural causes.

Then again, the dead hamster on its wheel kind of suggests that it wasn’t ordered by a person who had much esteem for the guest of honor. In fact, he or she is probably someone who let the other person watch their pet hamster who died while he or she was on vacation. Still, it’s possible that the hamster probably was 2-4 years old and died of natural causes.

28. Looks like somebody doesn’t like Jarman.

This cake was supposed to say, "Happy Birthday, Jarman/You're an ace." Guess that someone really doesn't know the difference between "ass" or "ace" or the person ordering it just had really bad handwriting.

This cake was supposed to say, “Happy Birthday, Jarman/You’re an ace.” Guess that someone really doesn’t know the difference between “ass” or “ace” or the person ordering it just had really bad handwriting.

29. Of course, when it comes to little girl birthday cakes, you can’t go wrong with Disney Princesses.

Okay, some baker managed to make many of the Disney princesses I grew up with seem strangely terrifying for some reason. Seriously, these look so freaky looking.

Okay, some baker managed to make many of the Disney princesses I grew up with seem strangely terrifying for some reason. Seriously, these look so freaky looking.

30. Happy 3rd Birthday, Princess Alyssa, from drunken skank whore Belle.

Man, and I thought Belle was supposed to be one of the best role models of all the Disney Princesses, sans the Stockholm Syndrome involved. Not to mention, Beauty and the Beast was my favorite Disney movie as a little girl. My childhood is ruined.

Man, and I thought Belle was supposed to be one of the best role models of all the Disney Princesses, sans the Stockholm Syndrome involved. Not to mention, Beauty and the Beast was my favorite Disney movie as a little girl. My childhood is ruined.

31. Now perhaps Snow White is a safe cake idea. What can go wrong with her?

Yikes! For God's sake what's with the hand coming out from her dress? Seriously, that's just terrifying if you ask me. That's not normal at all.

Yikes! For God’s sake what’s with the hand coming out from her dress? Seriously, that’s just terrifying if you ask me. That’s not normal at all.

32. Okay, so perhaps a princess birthday cake doesn’t need to be from Disney then.

So I suppose that this is the princess from "The Frog Prince" story transformed into a menacing evil sorceress. Then again, from what I read about it, the frog was kind of an asshole who thought she owed him sex after he found her golden ball from the well.

So I suppose that this is the princess from “The Frog Prince” story transformed into a menacing evil sorceress. Then again, from what I read about it, the frog was kind of an asshole who thought she owed him sex after he found her golden ball from the well.

33. Happy Birthday, to the unemployed 34-year-old person who hasn’t moved out of his or parents’ house yet.

Even funnier is that hist cake is decorated with a pacifier and Barbie rings. Still, the message is kind of sad yet fairly funny at the same time.

Even funnier is that hist cake is decorated with a pacifier and Barbie rings. Still, the message is kind of sad yet fairly funny at the same time.

35. Nothing makes a better birthday cake than one depicting a person guillotining him or herself.

Then again, Neil may just be a professor of history who's area of expertise is the French Revolution. Still, quite gory if you ask me and very likely to traumatize children.

Then again, Neil may just be a professor of history who’s area of expertise is the French Revolution. Still, quite gory if you ask me and guaranteed to traumatize children.

36. Now what better cake for a 4 year old boy than one depicting his favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? What can possibly go wrong with that?

Seems like life hasn't been going too well for Leonardo. Yet, why try to stab himself in the head for God's sake? Still, better call the suicidal hotline, pronto.

Seems like life hasn’t been going too well for Leonardo. Yet, why try to stab himself in the head for God’s sake? Still, better call the suicidal hotline, pronto.

37. A Buzz Lightyear cake. Surely, nothing bad can happen here.

Okay, so is Buzz Lightyear supposed to be an Egyptian Pharaoh or a space explorer. Having seen Toy Story, I'd say space explorer but he looks pretty stiff like a Pharaoh's sarcophagus.

Okay, so is Buzz Lightyear supposed to be an Egyptian Pharaoh or a space explorer. Having seen Toy Story, I’d say space explorer but he looks pretty stiff like a Pharaoh’s sarcophagus.

38. I’m sure a 3-year-old would delight in this Dora the Explorer cake.

Okay, so this baker seems to have done the unthinkable. Make the adorable Dora the Explorer utterly terrifying through the motif of of Pre-Columbian art or just plain terrible artistry. Still, this cake is bound to give little Lily nightmares when she sees this. Jesus Christ.

Okay, so this baker seems to have done the unthinkable. Make the adorable Dora the Explorer utterly terrifying through the motif of of Pre-Columbian art or just plain terrible artistry. Still, this cake is bound to give little Lily nightmares when she sees this. Jesus Christ.

39. Of course, clowns are often a theme of many kids’ cakes. Apparently parents seem to find them acceptable decor for some reason. Let’s see how this one figures out.

Actually I think clowns are quite freaky, lame, and perhaps scary. Unsurprisingly, I find this horrifying for obvious reasons. May lead any small child into a lifetime of therapy.

Actually I think clowns are quite freaky, lame, and perhaps scary. Unsurprisingly, I find this horrifying for obvious reasons. May lead any small child into a lifetime of therapy.

40. Now I’m sure a caterpillar is perfect for a baby’s first birthday cake. Nothing can go wrong with that.

Now I don't know about you but that is perhaps the scariest caterpillar I've ever seen. Makes me unlikely to want to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar ever again.

Now I don’t know about you but that is perhaps the scariest caterpillar I’ve ever seen. Makes me unlikely to want to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar ever again.

41. Oh, boy, a baseball cake. Perhaps there may be some scandals with steroid use in the MLB but I’m sure this is a perfectly appropriate cake theme for a boy’s birthday.

Okay, that now that long phallic thing certainly looks woody but it in now way resembles a baseball bat to me. Yet, I'm not sure if this 6-year-old birthday boy seems to notice. If he does, then he might find it funny.

Okay, that now that long phallic log certainly looks woody and hard but it in now way resembles a baseball bat to me. Yet, I’m not sure if this 6-year-old birthday boy seems to notice. If he does, then he might find it funny. Not sure if it would hit a home run with the parents though.

42. Now I’m sure a bear won’t do any harm for a baby boy’s first birthday cake.

For those who've learned how to write in cursive, you'd know exactly why I included this cake on this post. By the way, the boy''s name in question is supposed to be, "Tucker." Yeah. The bear is fine, by the way.

For those who’ve learned how to write in cursive, you’d know exactly why I included this cake on this post. By the way, the boy”s name in question is supposed to be, “Tucker.” Yeah. The bear is fine, by the way.

43. Happy first Birthday, Vanessa, from the homicidal giraffe.

I know that's just red icing but it just reminds me of blood for some reason. Also, that giraffe is utterly terrifying if you ask me. Yes, he's out to kill and he will find you!

I know that’s just red icing but it just reminds me of blood for some reason. Also, that giraffe is utterly terrifying if you ask me. Yes, he’s out to kill and he will find you!

44. Superheroes are certainly a decent party theme for boy’s birthdays at any age, even if it’s Marvel’s Avengers.

Still, if your son is turning 3, perhaps a cake depicting Thor's hammer isn't a good idea. I mean there's a chance that Mjolnir might have the tendency to resemble male genitalia. Just saying.

Still, if your son is turning 3, perhaps a cake depicting Thor’s hammer isn’t a good idea. I mean there’s a chance that Mjolnir might have the tendency to resemble male genitalia. Just saying.

45. If you’re kid likes marine life, a fish cake is certainly a decent choice.

Nevertheless, if you present a cake like this to little Tyler it's very likely he's going to cry if he knows about fish corpses floating at the surface upside down. Seriously, unless the parents turn the fish around, this is a pretty sad birthday cake for children. I mean birthdays are supposed to be happy occasions, not reminding kids of death.

Nevertheless, if you present a cake like this to little Tyler it’s very likely he’s going to cry if he knows about fish corpses floating at the surface upside down. Seriously, unless the parents turn the fish around, this is a pretty sad birthday cake for children. I mean birthdays are supposed to be happy occasions, not reminding kids of death.

46. I think it’s rather nice for 6 year old Jeff to show his feminine side.

Actually this cake is for a little 6 year old girl named Jess. Yeah, I have no idea how any decorator could make that mistake, especially on a birthday cake that's obviously for a girl. I mean Jeff is definitely a boy's name.

Actually this cake is for a little 6 year old girl named Jess. Yeah, I have no idea how any decorator could make that mistake, especially on a birthday cake that’s obviously for a girl. I mean Jeff is definitely a boy’s name.

47. As I know from watching my cousins grow up, Thomas the Tank Engine is very popular. Nonetheless, he’s become a viable birthday theme for young boys.

Seems that Thomas is very keen on running somebody over right now. Seriously, his eyes have this kind of a possessed look like a serial killer intent on killing somebody for the thrill of it all.

Seems that Thomas is very keen on running somebody over right now. Seriously, his eyes have this kind of a possessed look like a serial killer intent on killing somebody for the thrill of it all.

48. Now lighthouses make great picturesque sights in photos and paintings. So it’s only natural they should be on birthday cakes.

Seems like Billy Joel wasn't the only one working with the rod and the reel in "Downeaster Alexa." And if you saw this cake, you can even say it glows.

Seems like Billy Joel wasn’t the only one working with the rod and the reel in “Downeaster Alexa.” At least you don’t need to tell this baker’s wife he’s trawling Atlantis but I’m not sure he has his hands on the wheel.

49. Happy Birthday Jamie sponsored by Chevron, the company fracking land in my neighborhood (bastards).

Of course, the person who ordered this cake, wanted a chevron shape on this cake since the recipient is in the military. Instead, they got a a Big Oil company logo that's now causing widespread environmental damage. Not to mention, it's known for apologizing for a devastating gas well explosion to Greene County by giving them coupons for pizza and pop. Seriously, look it up.

Of course, the person who ordered this cake, wanted a chevron shape on this cake since the recipient is in the military. Instead, they got a a Big Oil company logo that’s now causing widespread environmental damage. Not to mention, it’s known for apologizing for a devastating gas explosion to Greene County by giving them coupons for pizza and pop. Lamest apology ever. Seriously, this really happened.

50. Of course, nothing says, “Happy Birthday” better than a cake of a headless woman in a poodle skirt.

Sure this cake won't frighten the kids, honestly. Yeah, right. Still, this woman is said to be a direct descendant of the Headless Horseman from The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.

Sure this cake won’t frighten the kids, honestly. Yeah, right. Still, this woman is said to be a direct descendant of the Headless Horseman from The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.

51. Now while Barney the Purple Dinosaur makes adults want to scream, he should be perfect for a child’s 4th birthday cake.

I have to admit, this ferocious Barney the Purple Dinosaur is actually kind of cool as well as an improvement to the original. However, this incarnation might make little Patrick pee his pants upon sight. But still, I can't blame the baker.

I have to admit, this ferocious Barney the Purple Dinosaur is actually kind of cool as well as an improvement to the original. However, this incarnation might make little Patrick pee his pants upon sight. But still, I can’t blame the baker.

52. Of course, when it comes to fairy tale themes on kids’ cakes, I’m sure you can’t go wrong with “The Three Little Pigs.”

On second thought, maybe "The Three Little Pigs" wasn't a good idea for 5-year-old Phillipas birthday cake. Yes, the Big Bad Wolf chasing his bacon will probably cause little kids nightmares. Of course, in the original version, he eats the first 2.

On second thought, maybe “The Three Little Pigs” wasn’t a good idea for 5-year-old Phillipas birthday cake. Yes, the Big Bad Wolf chasing his bacon will probably cause little kids nightmares. Of course, in the original version, he eats the first 2.

53. Of course, nothing commemorates a boy’s first birthday than a cake with elephants.

Oh, my God, have I ever seen a first birthday cake so depressing as this? I mean the elephants on this cake look as if they're all dead. Seriously, a first birthday cake is no platform to protest the black market ivory trade that funds terrorism and hurts the environment. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with this decorator?

Oh, my God, have I ever seen a first birthday cake so depressing as this? I mean the elephants on this cake look as if they’re all dead. Seriously, a first birthday cake is no platform to protest the black market ivory trade that funds terrorism and hurts the environment. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with this decorator?

54. Of course, when it comes to birthday cakes, some decorators follow order directions to perfection.

Then there are some cake decorators who write on the cakes everything they heard on the phone as well. Still, at least this one followed directions, but maybe a little overboard.

Then there are some cake decorators who write on the cakes everything they heard on the phone as well. Still, at least this one followed directions, but maybe a little overboard.

55. Of course, birthday cakes aren’t always for kids. This one is for an older guy as seen by the wheelchair.

Okay, I'm not sure why they call a wheelchair bound guy "Chucknuts" and I really don't want to know. Then again, this could just be for a party with the guy's friends, not his grandchildren.

Okay, I’m not sure why they call a wheelchair bound guy “Chucknuts” and I really don’t want to know. Then again, this could just be for a party with the guy’s friends, not his grandchildren.

56. For a 4-year-old girl, you can’t go wrong with just a standard cake with flowers.

Sure the yellow flowers are pretty, but wait a minute. What the hell is a burning house doing here for God's sake? Still, I'm sure it won't traumatize little Isabella. Yeah right.

Sure the yellow flowers are pretty, but wait a minute. What the hell is a burning house doing here for God’s sake? Still, I’m sure it won’t traumatize little Isabella. Yeah right.

57. For a young boy, I’m sure this shorts cake will do quite nicely.

There's something rising from this cake's shorts. And as I can see it from the candles, Eamon is at least 8 years old. And a Joe Boxer cake is certainly not appropriate for a boy that age. Basically the boy's version of the boob cake. Seriously, what the hell were they thinking?

There’s something rising from this cake’s shorts. And as I can see it from the candles, Eamon is at least 8 years old. And a Joe Boxer cake is certainly not appropriate for a boy that age. Basically the boy’s version of the boob cake. Seriously, what the hell were they thinking?

58. Happy 7th Birthday, Kailey, and by the way, you’re going to die.

I know we must all die someday. But is really all right to bring this up on a 7-year-old girl's birthday cake? Sure she may have a birthday near Halloween but still. I'm not sure a tombstone cake is a good idea.

I know we must all die someday. But is really all right to bring this up on a 7-year-old girl’s birthday cake? Sure she may have a birthday near Halloween but still. I’m not sure a tombstone cake is a good idea.

59. Looks like somebody’s holding a grudge here.

Okay, let's just hope this cake isn't at some party with the guest of honor surrounded by friends and family. Because that would be bad. And let's just say, this is about as inappropriate as they come.

Okay, let’s just hope this cake isn’t at some party with the guest of honor surrounded by friends and family. Because that would be bad. And let’s just say, this is about as inappropriate as they come.

60. Nevertheless, you can’t go wrong with space aliens here, especially when it pertains to a 2-year-old’s birthday.

Now the space aliens on this cake are find. It's just that the cake decorator seemed to think their faces were upside down, and thus that's why the writing is what it is. Still, the kid's 2 so it's not like he'll notice anyway.

Now the space aliens on this cake are find. It’s just that the cake decorator seemed to think their faces were upside down, and thus that’s why the writing is what it is. Still, the kid’s 2 so it’s not like he’ll notice anyway.

61. Happy Birthday….or not.

Seriously, if you were going to stage an intervention about someone's drinking problem, I'd sure as hell wouldn't think writing it on the cake is a good idea. Just saying.

Seriously, if you were going to stage an intervention about someone’s drinking problem, I’d sure as hell wouldn’t think writing it on the cake is a good idea. Just saying.

62. Seems like Kathy isn’t well liked by those who are supposed to love her. So sad.

According to the candle count, it's possible that Kathy is 4 years old. It may not be the case, but if she is, chances are she'll probably throw a tantrum at her party, if she's able to read it.

According to the candle count, it’s possible that Kathy is 4 years old. It may not be the case, but if she is, chances are she’ll probably throw a tantrum at her party, if she’s able to read it. Still, that’s pretty cruel.

63. Some cake decorators follow directions all too well, while others not in the intended context.

Of course, who ever ordered this birthday cake severely overestimated the cake decorator's intelligence. Seriously, the person just wrote, "the picture is in the flash drive" instead of getting the picture from the flash drive.

Of course, who ever ordered this birthday cake severely overestimated the cake decorator’s intelligence. Seriously, the person just wrote, “the picture is on the flash drive” instead of getting the picture from the flash drive.

64. Sure a donkey birthday cake is a splendid idea. Nothing can possibly go wrong with that.

Let's just say, you probably don't want to invite this cake decorator to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey. I mean even if he or she doesn't have blind fold, they still don't have any idea where a donkey's tail should be.

Let’s just say, you probably don’t want to invite this cake decorator to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey. I mean even if he or she doesn’t have blind fold, they still don’t have any idea where a donkey’s tail should be.

65. Of course, for ladies who enjoy sleazy Harlequin Romance novels, I’m sure a shirtless guy taking his pants off would just be the perfect cake for you.

Oh, no. Just no. Please, I'd perfectly fine if that cake was for a woman but Tracy is supposed to be a 14-year-old girl. Seriously, couldn't her parents just order a cake with The Hunger Games theme instead? At least that would've been more appropriate since the books are in the Young Adult genre.

Oh, no. Just no. Please, I’d perfectly fine if that cake was for a woman but Tracy is supposed to be a 14-year-old girl. Seriously, couldn’t her parents just order a cake with The Hunger Games theme instead? At least that would’ve been more appropriate since the books are in the Young Adult genre.

66. Now that Ashley has turned 18, she can start buying menthols for the whole family.

Seriously, just because a someone's able to buy cigarettes after they turn 18, doesn't mean a cigarette themed cake is a good idea. In fact, it's certainly not. I mean tobacco addiction is a worldwide health issue, which kills people every day from respiratory disease, cancer, COPD, emphysema. and other wonderful chronic and life threatening ailments.

Seriously, just because a someone’s able to buy cigarettes after they turn 18, doesn’t mean a cigarette themed cake is a good idea since tobacco kills a third of its users. In fact, it’s certainly not. I mean tobacco addiction is a worldwide health issue, which kills people every day from respiratory disease, cancer, COPD, emphysema. and other wonderful chronic and life threatening ailments.

67. Happy 20th Birthday, alleged teen dad.

This may either be an anniversary cake or a birthday cake with a typo. Either way, the 20th doesn't glowingly reflect his parenting skills. Seriously, most 20-year-old dads are either deadbeats or don't even know they are dads in the first place. Sure there may be some responsible dads that age, but they're a rarity.

This may either be a wedding anniversary cake or a birthday cake with a typo. Either way, the 20th doesn’t glowingly reflect his parenting skills. Seriously, most 20-year-old dads are either deadbeats or don’t even know they are dads in the first place. Sure there may be some responsible dads that age, but they’re a rarity.

68. If you have any Republicans in your family, celebrate their birthdays with a one of a kind Ronald Reagan cake.

Now I am not a fan of Ronald Reagan and don't think of him as a great president (in truth I view him as quite the opposite). However, I understand that many Republicans view him on the same level of Jesus for some reason. Nevertheless, even if you know a Republican who has a birthday, you probably want to keep politics out of it. Seriously, such subject can really ruin a party.

Now I am not a fan of Ronald Reagan and don’t think of him as a great president (in truth I view him as quite the opposite). However, I understand that many Republicans view him on the same level of Jesus for some reason. Nevertheless, even if you know a Republican who has a birthday, you probably want to keep politics out of it. Seriously, such subject can really ruin a party.

69. Happy 9th Birthday, sweetie, courtesy of Pedobear.

Okay, I know Pedobear is a character used to detect and make fun of pedophiles on the internet. However, this doesn't mean he's the kind of character you'd want on a 9-year-old's cake. Also, "herd" should be "heard."

Okay, I know Pedobear is a character used to detect and make fun of pedophiles on the internet. However, this doesn’t mean he’s the kind of character you’d want on a 9-year-old’s cake. Also, “herd” should be “heard.”

70. Now I have no problem with Spiderman being on a boy’s birthday cake since they love superheros.

Peter Parker, I know you're probably a young man. However, maybe it's not a good idea to twerk in front of kids, especially in your Spiderman suit. Okay?

Peter Parker, I know you’re probably a nice young man who the kids view as a role model. However, maybe it’s not a good idea to twerk in front of kids, especially in your Spiderman suit. Okay?

71. Of course, if you don’t think icing is a good idea for letters, maybe you should go with sugar letters seen at any grocery store.

Now seriously, that's a really mean thing to say to a 6-year-old, especially on his or her birthday. I mean the kid's most likely in kindergarten for God's sake, even if that may be true.

Now seriously, that’s a really mean thing to say to a 6-year-old, especially on his or her birthday. I mean the kid’s most likely in kindergarten for God’s sake, even if that may be true.

72. When it comes to boys, I’m sure a birthday cake theme of his favorite video game will do no harm.

Unless it's a Grand Theft Auto cake for a 4-year-old. I mean that game is rated M for Mature due to violence and adult content. Seriously, this cake is not appropriate for a 4-year-old all. Nevertheless, what does a cake like this say about Lil' Derrick's parents for God's sake?

Unless it’s a Grand Theft Auto cake for a 4-year-old. I mean that game is rated M for Mature due to violence and adult content. Seriously, this cake is not appropriate for a 4-year-old all. Nevertheless, what does a cake like this say about Lil’ Derrick’s parents for God’s sake?

73. Now that this guy has turned 21, he can finally have a birthday cake of a stripper butt and a glass of beer.

Now just because turning 2l makes a guy legally eligible to enter a strip club or drink, doesn't mean you should commemorate that eligibility with a birthday cake. Not to mention, there are plenty of guys who are probably not into strip clubs anyway. Nevertheless, wouldn't be surprised if this cake was made for a frat boy.

Now just because turning 21 makes a guy legally eligible to enter a strip club or drink, doesn’t mean you should commemorate that eligibility with a birthday cake. Not to mention, there are plenty of guys who are probably not into strip clubs anyway. Nevertheless, wouldn’t be surprised if this cake was made for a frat boy or NCAA Division I college athlete.

74. Sure a baby picture cake seems like a cute and wholesome idea.

Okay, now that's a baby is just creepy. And even if Kelly looked like that, she was probably cuter. This baby seems like it wants to suck the soul out every person she encounters.

Okay, now that’s a baby is just creepy. And even if Kelly looked like that, she was probably cuter. This baby seems like it wants to suck the soul out every person she encounters.

75. Now I may not like Playboy, but I see nothing wrong with having a Playboy cake for a grown man’s birthday.

Jesus Christ! This is for a 12-year-old girl, which is just wrong. Seriously, now I have nothing against Holly having a bunny cake for her birthday. But a Playboy Bunny cake, well, that's just inappropriate on many levels.

Jesus Christ! This is for a 12-year-old girl, which is just wrong. Seriously, now I have nothing against Holly having a bunny cake for her birthday. But a Playboy Bunny cake, well, that’s just inappropriate on many levels. I wonder why her parents would even think of  ordering this.

76. Of course, when it comes to big birthday parties, sometimes 2 cakes are  better than one.

You'd think this is for a mother's 30th birthday party. Yet, when you see the other cake, turns out it's actually for her 60th. Nevertheless, pretty mean if you ask me.

You’d think this is for a mother’s 30th birthday party. Yet, when you see the other cake, turns out it’s actually for her 60th. Nevertheless, pretty mean if you ask me.

77. Happy Birthday, Dana, and if you’re scratching in your nether region, that that was me. Sorry.

Sure this cake may not be appropriate for a birthday, but at least the guy let Dana know about his STD and apologized. Also, he remembered her birthday and sent her a cake for the occasion. A lot of guys don't even do any of that.

Sure this cake may not be appropriate for a birthday, but at least the guy let Dana know about his STD and apologized. Also, he remembered her birthday and sent her a cake for the occasion. A lot of guys don’t even do any of that.

78. Now I’m sure a birthday cake with cars is perfectly fine for a boy.

Hmm, seems like there's been an accident on the the intersection, which could've been prevented with simply installing a goddamn traffic light. Then again, it's probably a country road. And now the birthday boy's just wet his pants. Still, the car position reminds me of Matthew Crawley's death scene from Season 3 of Downton Abbey.

Hmm, seems like there’s been an accident on the the intersection, which could’ve been prevented with simply installing a goddamn traffic light. Then again, it’s probably a country road. And now the birthday boy’s just wet his pants. Still, the car position reminds me of Matthew Crawley’s death scene from Season 3 of Downton Abbey.

79. Have a hairy Birthday, Emma, courtesy of 1970s Tom Selleck.

Then again, maybe Emma is a fan of Tom Selleck and his hairy chest. Still, doesn't help that he looks like a creepy 1970s porn star on this cake. By the way, his chest hair is represented by sprinkles.

Then again, maybe Emma is a fan of Tom Selleck and his hairy chest. Still, doesn’t help that he looks like a creepy 1970s porn star on this cake. By the way, his chest hair is represented by sprinkles.

80. Of course, I wonder if birthday cakes actually look like this from The Wire.

And if it was ordered by a character from The Wire, I wonder who made the request. Was it: a. Jimmy McNulty for one of his kids. b. Bunk Moreland for his wife or one of his kids, c. Cedric Daniels for Ronnie, d. One of the Barksdales, e. Someone else from the Baltimore Police Department, or f. all of the above. All I know is, it ain't from Omar for he doesn't swear at all but watch out for his shotgun.

And if it was ordered by a character from The Wire, I wonder who made the request. Was it: a. Jimmy McNulty for one of his kids. b. Bunk Moreland for his wife or one of his kids, c. Cedric Daniels for Ronnie, d. One of the Barksdales, e. Someone else from the Baltimore Police Department, or f. all of the above. All I know is, it ain’t from Omar for he doesn’t swear at all but watch out for his shotgun.

Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree at the Ugly Sweater Party

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Now that I’m back from my break doing posts on Christmas in Tackyland, let’s get down to business since I know many of you come to my blog around the holidays specifically to look at my treasure trove of bad and kitschy Christmas stuff. Another well-known Christmas tradition during the season is the idea of the ugly sweater party, where people gather to celebrate Christmas bringing gifts, food, and donning their gay apparel with their poor fashion sense. Some people get their ugliest sweaters online or at the store already premade, while others get creative and make their own. As with mine, well, I basically got it from my mother. Well, it’s not exactly what I’d call “ugly” per se, but it basically consists of a combination of two styles such as tacky Christmas sweater meets the traditional robes of the Ming Dynasty. Yet, compared to the other sweaters you’ll look at in this post, this is actually pretty tame (for an ugly Christmas sweater, but as a Chinese robe, it’s atrocious). But here I open a post with me sitting on my couch near the Christmas tree as my parents watch the Pittsburgh Penguins take on the Calgary Flames. Nevertheless, I wore this sweater at the Westmoreland Mall Macy’s for Black Friday while working for ten hours as well as for my family Thanksgiving dinner afterwards. So without further adieu, here are some of the great moments in Christmas dress tackiness. Enjoy for your pleasure though some may not be safe for work, by the way.

1. For our first Christmas fashion disaster, I bring you Santa Dress.

I suppose that this woman is a kindergarten teacher. And I think this dress was designed by one of her students.

I suppose that this woman is a kindergarten teacher. And I think this dress was designed by one of her students.

2. I call this one, “Elf Torpedo Tits.”

Of course, until I saw this picture, I didn't know that they hired strippers at the North Pole. Guess Santa's elves need some entertaining distraction from their lives.

Of course, until I saw this picture, I didn’t know that they hired strippers at the North Pole. Guess Santa’s elves need some entertaining distraction from their lives.

3. In Mexico, they don’t celebrate Christmas wearing ugly sweaters. They celebrate Navidad wearing Navidad ponchos.

Of course, this picture was taken during Chad's time as a foreign exchange student at the Universidad de Tijuana.

Of course, this picture was taken during Chad’s time as a foreign exchange student at the Universidad de Tijuana.

4. Of course, this sweater reminds that dogs will go where they may.

Also, the fact that Scruffy here has no respect whatsoever for Frosty the Snowman. Poor Frosty.

Also, the fact that Scruffy here has no respect whatsoever for Frosty the Snowman. Poor Frosty.

5. As Bob Dylan said, “The answer, my friends, is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the wind.”

Yes, the answer is certainly blowing in the wind and so is Frosty's head. Or was.

Yes, the answer is certainly blowing in the wind and so is Frosty’s head. Or was.

6. For this Christmas season, have your hair done in the style a la Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

Now this is how you style your hair for an ugly sweater party. Still, very funny. Why didn't I think of this?

Now this is how you style your hair for an ugly sweater party. Still, very funny. Why didn’t I think of this?

7. This lady is totally rocking it in her Frosty dress.

Of course, the kids are going to say, "What do you mean she's Frosty? She doesn't look like Frosty the Snowman to me!" Still, I wonder if the kids understand the concept of either "sexy costumes" or "making do with what they got."

Of course, the kids are going to say, “What do you mean she’s Frosty? She doesn’t look like Frosty the Snowman to me!” Still, I wonder if the kids understand the concept of either “sexy costumes” or “making do with what they got.”

8. I give you the gift bow dress.

Of course, if you have all those bows in your Christmas gift wrapping supplies, what else are you going to do?

Of course, if you have all those bows in your Christmas gift wrapping supplies, what else are you going to do?

9. Here’s a great Christmas sweater featuring the Great Emancipator in his Santa hat.

Seriously, I understand that Abraham Lincoln was a great American President who led the US while it was torn apart by civil war as well as has a very important person in American history. But what the hell does he have to do with Christmas?

Seriously, I understand that Abraham Lincoln was a great American President who led the US while it was torn apart by civil war as well as has a very important person in American history. But what the hell does he have to do with Christmas?

10. “.Fra-gee-lay. Must be Italian.”

I'm sure that reads "fragile" like easily breakable. Yet, I wonder if the guy is Italian though. Seems like he is.

I’m sure that reads “fragile” like easily breakable. Yet, I wonder if the guy is Italian though. Seems like he is.

11. So it’s Christmas and Hell must’ve frozen over. Or not.

Of course, when I see a picture of a skull wearing ear muffs and a scarf, I don't think it's a good sign. Rather, I might suspect that cannibalism was involved.

Of course, when I see a picture of a skull wearing ear muffs and a scarf, I don’t think it’s a good sign. Rather, I might suspect that cannibalism was involved.

12. Ugly Christmas sweater? Nah, how about an ugly Christmas suit instead?

Now I'm sure this guy looks even more ridiculous in the ski lodge with that Christmas suit on. Looks so silly I can't help but laugh.

Now I’m sure this guy looks even more ridiculous in the ski lodge with that Christmas suit on. Looks so silly I can’t help but laugh.

13. Got a black plain sweatshirt? Well, why don’t you take a knack at decorating it like a Christmas wreath with a red bow in the center?

I'm sure this woman took a lot of time to make this sweater as she stands as if she's proud of what she accomplished. Still, I love the wreath though.

I’m sure this woman took a lot of time to make this sweater as she stands as if she’s proud of what she accomplished. Still, I love the wreath though.

14. Have your Christmas sweater vest light up which will make you the life of the party.

Now this girl looks very excited rocking in her lit up Christmas sweater vest. I also wonder what's in that cup she's holding. Still, I wouldn't be caught dead acting like that at my Aunt Mary's place on Christmas Eve.

Now this girl looks very excited rocking in her lit up Christmas sweater vest. I also wonder what’s in that cup she’s holding. Still, I wouldn’t be caught dead acting like that at my Aunt Mary’s place on Christmas Eve.

15. For the little girl in your life, perhaps you can take her to the ugly sweater party dressed as a cute little Christmas tree.

Of course, this little angel is thinking, "why did mommy and daddy have me dress in this stupid tree costume? Everyone at Grandma's house is going to laugh at me."

Of course, this little angel is thinking, “why did mommy and daddy have me dress in this stupid tree costume? Everyone at Grandma’s house is going to laugh at me.”

16. Wake up on Christmas morning wearing Ralphie’s bunny pajamas.

Ironically, because of A Christmas Story, it's now acceptable for guys to wear pink bunny pajamas on Christmas morning. The expression on this guy's face is just hilarious.

Ironically, because of A Christmas Story, it’s now acceptable for guys to wear pink bunny pajamas on Christmas morning. The expression on this guy’s face is just hilarious.

17. Nothing says, “Merry Christmas” than donning a Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on your boob.

Okay, note to self: Don't ever think of trying this idea at your Aunt Mary's house on Christmas Eve. Your aunts and uncles might have a problem with their kids seeing this. Still, this might be great with nursing mothers.

Okay, note to self: Don’t ever think of trying this idea at your Aunt Mary’s house on Christmas Eve. Your aunts and uncles might have a problem with their kids seeing this. Still, this might be great with nursing mothers.

18. Either this is Santa’s female sidekick Plinkerbell or some kind of female Christmas Superheroine called Tinseltoe.

Of course, while this is certainly a festive outfit, I'm sure that it's one of the most atrocious Christmas costumes I've seen so far. Seems like this woman spared no expense whatsoever.

Of course, while this is certainly a festive outfit, I’m sure that it’s one of the most atrocious Christmas costumes I’ve seen so far. Seems like this woman spared no expense whatsoever.

19. I call this one, “Santa Spring Tits.”

Of course, I'm sure this woman is another North Pole stripper elf but she didn't want me to show her face due to privacy reasons.

Of course, I’m sure this woman is another North Pole stripper elf but she didn’t want me to show her face due to privacy reasons.

20. Okay, I understand why they called him “Frosty the Snow ‘man'” instead of “Frosty the Snow ‘woman.'”

Small Child: "Why does the snowman have a carrot and coal on the bottom like that on Uncle Bobby's sweater?" Dad: "You'll learn when you're older, sweetie."

Small Child: “Why does the snowman have a carrot and coal on the bottom like that on Uncle Bobby’s sweater?”
Dad: “You’ll learn when you’re older, sweetie.”

21. Bring the festive spirit of Christmas with this Christmas tree costume.

Of course, at the Christmas Party, you might have people trying to put presents under you than giving them to you.

Of course, at the Christmas Party, you might have people trying to put presents under you than giving them to you.

22. Of course, you can’t forget Jesus, since he’s the Birthday for Christmas.

I don't know about you, but I'm not sure if having Jesus on an ugly Christmas sweater is a great idea. In fact, it may possibly border on sacrilege, if you ask me. I mean Jesus kind of deserves more respect than that.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure if having Jesus on an ugly Christmas sweater is a great idea. In fact, it may possibly border on sacrilege, if you ask me. I mean Jesus kind of deserves more respect than that.

23. Of course, why be the only one in your family getting in the Christmas spirit while you can include your whole family?

Of course, I'm sure the whole family approved that they attend the Christmas Party at Grandma's house by wearing sweaters containing giant green candy canes. Then again, maybe it was just the parents' idea.

Of course, I’m sure the whole family approved that they attend the Christmas Party at Grandma’s house by wearing sweaters containing giant green candy canes. Then again, maybe it was just the parents’ idea.

24. For couples, you might want to try this lovely reindeer sweater combination.

Of course, I'm sure the woman usually wears the top half while the man wears the other for obvious reasons. Still, reminds me of "in one end and out the other."

Of course, I’m sure the woman usually wears the top half while the man wears the other for obvious reasons. Still, reminds me of “in one end and out the other.”

25. Now this hostess certainly has all the bows and tinsel on her dress.

Yes, this is another bow dress but this one also includes tinsel and seems more Christmasy. Also, she seems to be saying, "Who wants Christmas cookies?"

Yes, this is another bow dress but this one also includes tinsel and seems more Christmasy. Also, she seems to be saying, “Who wants Christmas cookies?”

26. Of course, you can always include a winter scene.

Yet, this woman seems to deck her outfit with a winter scene enclosed in a plastic bag with some cutouts for a barn and tree as well as lots and lots of cotton.

Yet, this woman seems to deck her outfit with a winter scene enclosed in a plastic bag with some cutouts for a barn and tree as well as lots and lots of cotton.

27. Christmas is always the time for joy.

Yet, when a woman is wearing a Christmas sweater reading, "Feel the Joy" and has two black hands on her chest, I don't think you want to abide.

Yet, when a woman is wearing a Christmas sweater reading, “Feel the Joy” and has two black hands on her chest, I don’t think you want to abide.

28. Seems like this woman is feeling festive in all her greenery.

Now this woman seems like she didn't have much choice to wear this sweater at her Christmas Party. Mainly because she's actually a waitress at the country club.

Now this woman seems like she didn’t have much choice to wear this sweater at her Christmas Party. Mainly because she’s actually a waitress at the country club.

29. “Up on the housetop, reindeer falls. Out jumps good ol’ Santa Claus. Down through the chimney with lots of toys, all for the good little girls and boys.”

Yet, I'm sure that this guy used a creepy psycho Santa Claus foe his chimney and fireplace Christmas sweater. Still, where the hell is the guy's face for God's sake?

Yet, I’m sure that this guy used a creepy psycho Santa Claus foe his chimney and fireplace Christmas sweater. Still, where the hell is the guy’s face for God’s sake?

30. At your Christmas party, come as Santa Claus decorating the tree.

Of course, my question about this outfit other than sheer tackiness is how the hell does this guy manage to sit down in this? Also, I'm sure he has to take it off once in a while.

Of course, my question about this outfit other than sheer tackiness is how the hell does this guy manage to sit down in this? Also, I’m sure he has to take it off once in a while.

31. Of course, what’s a Gingerbread Man without his can of Bud Light?

Just what I need, a drunk Gingerbread cookie. Now the last Christmas cookie I need is one that tastes like beer.

Just what I need, a drunk Gingerbread cookie. Now the last Christmas cookie I need is one that tastes like beer.

32. Seems like Crumpet just got drunk at his RV home.

So I guess that the North Pole has it's share of redneck elves who live in their trailers. Makes sense.

So I guess that the North Pole has it’s share of redneck elves who live in their trailers. Makes sense.

33. Deck the halls at your Christmas party by donning this sweater with a big red bow that lights.

Now I'm sure this is a very tacky Christmas sweater. Yet, at the same time it's all so charming.

Now I’m sure this is a very tacky Christmas sweater. Yet, at the same time it’s all so charming.

34. I’m sure dressing in pink is the height of Christmas fashion.

This Grandma is about as chic in her reindeer pink sweater as that aluminum Christmas tree in the background. Yeah, I'm sure she really stands out.

This Grandma is about as chic in her reindeer pink sweater as that aluminum Christmas tree in the background. Yeah, I’m sure she really stands out.

35. Show your love for the classic A Christmas Story, with this Christmas sweater featuring the legendary leg lamp.

Now I'm sure this guy is the life of the party. Yet, since it has appeared in a family film, I'm sure it's totally appropriate for even family occasions, even if leg lamps are better suited for strip clubs and bars.

Now I’m sure this guy is the life of the party. Yet, since it has appeared in a family film, I’m sure it’s totally appropriate for even family occasions, even if leg lamps are better suited for strip clubs and bars.

36. For your Christmas sweater, perhaps make this holiday beefcake a lovely trimming.

Now this sweater would've been perfectly all right. The Harlequin Romance hottie in the right hand corner just makes it seem more horrendous and in poor taste.

Now this sweater would’ve been perfectly all right. The Harlequin Romance hottie in the right hand corner just makes it seem more horrendous and in poor taste.

37. Seems that Santa just got stuck in the chimney.

Well, if Santa Claus had basically tried to manage his weight better, maybe he wouldn't keep getting stuck in people's chimneys.

Well, if Santa Claus had basically tried to manage his weight better, maybe he wouldn’t keep getting stuck in people’s chimneys.

38. Come to your Christmas Party, dressed up as Cousin Eddie from Christmas Vacation.

On second thought, perhaps dressing up as Cousin Eddie for your Christmas party probably isn't a good idea.

On second thought, perhaps dressing up as Cousin Eddie for your Christmas party probably isn’t a good idea.

39. Now this sweater has a stuffed reindeer that I’m sure your relatives would love.

Well, all seems quite well at the front but when you look it the back.....yeah.

Well, all seems quite well at the front but when you look it the back…..yeah.

40. Decorate your Christmas sweater with a lot of jingle bells.

Of course, ugly Christmas sweaters have the potential to make tough biker dudes be reduced to icons of utter ridiculousness.

Of course, ugly Christmas sweaters have the potential to make tough biker dudes be reduced to icons of utter ridiculousness.

41. Of course, Kris Kringle is here to mingle.

Now I'm sure that Santa Claus with a beer isn't going to go well with a G rated Christmas party. Seriously, why?

Now I’m sure that Santa Claus with a beer isn’t going to go well with a G rated Christmas party. Seriously, why?

42. Shimmer at the Christmas party house with this lovely leg lamp dress.

Yes, that's a leg lamp costume but I'm sure that the only thing keeping it from being a strictly stripper club outfit is the fact it's inspired by a prop from a family film.

Yes, that’s a leg lamp costume but I’m sure that the only thing keeping it from being a strictly stripper club outfit is the fact it’s inspired by a prop from a family film.

43. I call this one, “the Santa Claus Hat Spring Boobs.”

If Madonna had an ugly Christmas sweater for a party, it would certainly look like this.

If Madonna had an ugly Christmas sweater for a party, it would certainly look like this.

44. Remember, Jesus is the reason for the season.

Now I don't know about you but I think putting Jesus on an ugly Christmas sweater doesn't seem to be very respectful. Also, why is the Baby Jesus holding a present in his hand?

Now I don’t know about you but I think putting Jesus on an ugly Christmas sweater doesn’t seem to be very respectful. Also, why is the Baby Jesus holding a present in his hand?

45. Celebrate the season with a Christmas leopard sweater?

Okay, what do leopards have to do with Christmas? They're from India and Africa for God's sake! Seriously, why?

Okay, what do leopards have to do with Christmas? They’re from India and Africa for God’s sake! Seriously, why?

46. I’m sure your nutcracker is makes your pink sweater a perfect Christmas fashion item.

Actually, like the previous one, this pepto pink sweater seems horrendously tacky if you ask me. Also, nutcrackers are kind of creepy.

Actually, like the previous one, this pepto pink sweater seems horrendously tacky if you ask me. Also, nutcrackers are kind of creepy.

47. Be sure to have your Christmas suit contain snowmen and Christmas trees.

I'm sure this guy loves to model in this suit for the Amazon catalog site. Still, he doesn't look that bad, but he must feel embarrassed.

I’m sure this guy loves to model in this suit for the Amazon catalog site. Still, he doesn’t look that bad, but he must feel embarrassed.

48. Looks like Santa Claus needs to make a pit stop.

Well, if Santa has to go, he's gotta go. And if he doesn't have access to a bathroom at the moment, he'll go in the snow.

Well, if Santa has to go, he’s gotta go. And if he doesn’t have access to a bathroom at the moment, he’ll go in the snow.

49. Of course, this guy certainly rocks in his Christmas tree suit.

Sure this guy may be modeling very ugly suits, but he can take a ride in my one horse open sleigh any day.

Sure this guy may be modeling very ugly suits, but he can take a ride in my one horse open sleigh any day.

50. Seems that Twinkletoes has met a great reception for her North Pole gig.

Then again, seems like Santa's elves seemed starved for entertainment lately. Looks like there's not much you can do at the North Pole.

Then again, seems like Santa’s elves seemed starved for entertainment lately. Looks like there’s not much you can do at the North Pole.

51. Of course, why have a Christmas sweater when you can’t include a Santa frog on it?

Seriously, what do frogs have to do with Christmas? They don't live in the North Pole. Still, seems like this woman is proud of her creation.

Seriously, what do frogs have to do with Christmas? They don’t live in the North Pole. Still, seems like this woman is proud of her creation.

52. I call this one, “Angel Boobs.”

And I'm sure the "Ho, Ho, Ho," part of that sweater doesn't help matters if you know what I mean.

And I’m sure the “Ho, Ho, Ho,” part of that sweater doesn’t help matters if you know what I mean.

53. Rock in your Yuletide cheer in this Christmas sweater.

I know those are supposed to be bells, but they look so much like tighty whiteys to me.

I know those are supposed to be bells, but they look so much like tighty whiteys to me.

54. Seems like the Santa Police have been searching for the baby Jesus.

Wait a minute, didn't Santa Claus came after baby Jesus? Seriously, what's with the flashlight? I'm sure they didn't have those during the first century BCE.

Wait a minute, didn’t Santa Claus came after baby Jesus? Seriously, what’s with the flashlight? I’m sure they didn’t have those during the first century BCE.

55. I call this one, “Frosty the Snow Boobs.”

I don't know about you but this flashy Christmas sweater seems so wrong on so many levels. Seriously, why?

I don’t know about you but this flashy Christmas sweater seems so wrong on so many levels. Seriously, why?

56. You can’t possibly go overboard with tinsel and poinsettias.

Still, I think this guy kind of overdid it on the tinsel and the poinsettias. Still, I'm sure the woman won't have to worry about having a wardrobe malfunction.

Still, I think this guy kind of overdid it on the tinsel and the poinsettias. Still, I’m sure the woman won’t have to worry about having a wardrobe malfunction.

57. During the year, Santa Claus sits on his candy cane throne watching over to identify the good girls and boys.

Now I'm sure that this candy canes make a perfect background for Santa's chair. Still, this is quite hysterical.

Now I’m sure that this candy canes make a perfect background for Santa’s chair. Still, this is quite hysterical.

58. Who needs a Christmas tree when you can dress like one?

Okay, this guy seems to look less like a Christmas tree and more like a guy who likes to deck himself in tinsel and baubles.

Okay, this guy seems to look less like a Christmas tree and more like a guy who likes to deck himself in tinsel and baubles.

59. Because you can’t have too many candy cane lollipop lights for your Santa sweater.

On second thought, yes, I think there's just too many candy cane lollipop lights here. Also, the Santa might be quite hideous as well.

On second thought, yes, I think there’s just too many candy cane lollipop lights here. Also, the Santa might be quite hideous as well.

60. Of course, you’d always need to have tree on your Christmas sweater that shimmers.

Now I'm sure wearing this shiny Christmas will certainly make you really stand out. Also, may attract people with ADHD.

Now I’m sure wearing this shiny Christmas will certainly make you really stand out. Also, may attract people with ADHD.

For More: http://www.uglychristmassweater.com/

NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

wpid-elf-on-the-shelf

A popular holiday tradition that has caught on in recent years is the Elf on the Shelf which is based on a 2005 children’s book written and published by mother and daughter Carol Aebersold and Chanda Bell. The book tells of a story of how Santa Claus knows which kids are naughty or nice by sending elves to spy on children between Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, after which they return to the North Pole until the next holiday season. Each of these hardbound picture books come with a small soft toy in the form of a pixie scout elf so parents around the world can make this their own holiday tradition, just to make sure their kid belongs on Santa’s “nice” list. Now there are certain rules that parents and children must follow during the elf’s stay inside the home. First, it must maintain a distance and provide a watchful eye for Santa. Second, it must never move or speak while the residents are at home and awake, but can “move” from place to place when no one is around. Third, children must never touch the elf or it will lose its magic. Yeah, I know it’s stupid but what do you know? Still, while it does attract a lot of criticism from parenting experts and sometimes parents, the fact that the Internet is filled with pictures of the family’s elf getting into all kinds of hilarious mischief which got me thinking about doing a post where the Elf on the Shelf does things that would put it on the “naughty” list. Sure you’d like to think that these elves are reporting things about the kids to Santa in the evenings but you can’t really be so certain. So I ask you parents to spy on the Elf on the Shelf and use your camera and the Internet to report whenever the elf is doing something naughty. And I don’t mean the little harmless hijinks like making snow angels in flower. No, I mean stuff that could get a popular children’s show host suffer a fast and hard fall from grace like Pee Wee Herman did (like masturbating while watching a porno in a theater). So if you see your terrifying Elf on the Shelf doing any of these terrible at least PG-13 rated things, please remember to take a picture, show it on the Internet, and call this hotline number to report it via 1-800-555-BAD-ELF1. So without further adieu, here’s a great treasury of Elves on the Shelf gone horribly, wildly, and inappropriately bad. Warning: most of these images aren’t for kids and may be unsafe for work.

1. Seems like Crumpet is enjoying his stay bathing with the resident Barbie dolls.

Of course, he only gets a few weeks a year to bang these Barbie bitches so Crumpet just wants to make the most of it.

Of course, he only gets a few weeks a year to bang these Barbie bitches so Crumpet just wants to make the most of it.

2. Crinkles seems to have gone gangsta.’

Crinkles didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose him. Still, he seems decked in aluminum bling with a cup and a grill to match with the watch around his neck.

Crinkles didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose him. Still, he seems decked in aluminum bling with a cup and a grill to match with the watch around his neck.

3. Mom and Dad should’ve known not to play cards for cash with Sugar Bear. Else, he’ll make them bet their car keys.

It's very unlikely that Mom's new Hyundai Elantra and Dad's Toyota Truck will never be seen again after this Christmas Eve. Still, I kind of suspect that Sugar Bear might be cheating or counting cards.

It’s very unlikely that Mom’s new Hyundai Elantra and Dad’s Toyota Truck will never be seen again after this Christmas Eve. Still, I kind of suspect that Sugar Bear might be cheating or counting cards.

4. Things are about to get frisky between Dangles and Barbie in her pink Malibu SUV she always lets him drive.

Looks like Dangles is going to get in deep trouble once Ken finds out that he's screwing his girlfriend. Still, at least he wasn't with GI Joe's main squeeze. Now that's a doll you don't want to mess with.

Looks like Dangles is going to get in deep trouble once Ken finds out that he’s screwing his girlfriend. Still, at least he wasn’t with GI Joe’s main squeeze. Now that’s a doll you don’t want to mess with.

5. For Kringles, Monday night is Hustler night. It’s just a question what he’s in the mood for.

Let's hope that Johnny's parents don't catch Kringles masturbating in the middle of the night. He'll never be an Elf on the Shelf next year if he's caught doing a Pee Wee Herman, again.

Let’s hope that Johnny’s parents don’t catch Kringles masturbating in the middle of the night. He’ll never be an Elf on the Shelf next year if he’s caught doing a Pee Wee Herman, again.

6. “Okay, Pattykins, chug that Budlight on the count of three. One, two, three, chug!”

Seems like Pattykins will be totally wasted the next morning after a night of drinking at the Barbie Dolls' bikini party.

Seems like Pattykins will be totally wasted the next morning after a night of drinking at the Barbie Dolls’ all night bikini party.

7. Looks like Sourball has spent all the DeLazzaros’ money on Powerball tickets.Too bad he hasn’t won yet.

Still, little did Sourball take in mind is that you have less of a chance winning the lottery than being hit by a meteor. I'd also say that winning odds are similar with the Powerball as well.

Still, little did Sourball take in mind is that you have less of a chance winning the lottery than being hit by a meteor. I’d also say that winning odds are similar with the Powerball as well.

8. For dinner, Shrimpy is planning on serving oven baked Smurfs tonight.

Of course, for his oven baked Smurfs entree in the toaster oven, Shrimpy will be assisted by traitorous Smurf Chef, "Cannibal."

Of course, for his oven baked Smurfs entree in the toaster oven, Shrimpy will be assisted by traitorous Smurf Chef, “Cannibal.”

9. “You came in like a wrecking ball….”

I'm sure this rendition of the popular Miley Cyrus music video as well as hit song will not sit well with Santa at the North Pole at all.

I’m sure this rendition of the popular Miley Cyrus music video as well as hit song will not sit well with Santa at the North Pole at all.

10. Here’s Dingleberry pictured playing his favorite video game, Grand Theft Auto IV.

I don't know about you but shouldn't anyone be concerned whenever there's an Elf on the Shelf who enjoys graphically violent and possibly pornographic video games? Seriously, think of the children here.

I don’t know about you but shouldn’t anyone be concerned whenever there’s an Elf on the Shelf who enjoys graphically violent and possibly pornographic video games? Seriously, think of the children here.

11. “Do you want to slay a snowman? I’m sure it’s fun to do.”

Missy's latest homicidal rampage on snowmen might be the last straw for Santa if he receives word of it at the North Pole. Yes, this girl's very vicious with a gun and a sword.

Missy’s latest homicidal rampage on snowmen might be the last straw for Santa if he receives word of it at the North Pole. Yes, this girl’s very vicious with a gun and a sword.

12. It’s time for you to die, Dinkystinks, and fall victim to my dark passenger.

Looks like Dexter won't show any mercy to even serial killing Elves on the Shelf. This is especially true if he's known to kill three Barbie doll hookers, Dora the Explorer, and Cinderella. Yes, this is one sick elf.

Looks like Dexter won’t show any mercy to even serial killing Elves on the Shelf. This is especially true if he’s known to kill three Barbie doll hookers, Dora the Explorer, and Cinderella. Yes, this is one sick elf.

13. Seems like Gingy joined up with Justin Timberlake so they could present their lady friends with a “dick in a box.”

Men, I know this comes from an SNL sketch and sometimes don't put a lot of thought of getting gifts for your girlfriends. However, understand giving her your "dick in a box" is a very, very bad idea. You might want to stick to giving her something like jewelry this Christmas instead.

Men, I know this comes from an SNL sketch and sometimes don’t put a lot of thought of getting gifts for your girlfriends. However, understand giving her your “dick in a box” is a very, very bad idea. You might want to stick to giving her something like jewelry this Christmas instead.

14. Straight from the North Pole, we have Holly the Shelf Elf do her legendary yuletide pole dancing routine.

Well, Holly needs to supplement her income somehow. She can't live on the meager Elf on the Shelf salary she's been receiving and her male co-workers are paid in so much more.

Well, Holly needs to supplement her income somehow. She can’t live on the meager Elf on the Shelf salary she’s been receiving and her male co-workers are paid in so much more.

15. Just a few days more for Elsie and she’ll be off to the North Pole.

Yet, I'm not sure if Elsie's idea of relaxation method of lounging in a denim skirt and sandals while drinking Jim Beam will go well with Santa at the North Pole.

Yet, I’m not sure if Elsie’s idea of relaxation method of lounging in a denim skirt and sandals while drinking Jim Beam will go well with Santa at the North Pole.

16. Looks like Dobbie peed his own name on the little Christmas village.

Just between you and me, I'm sure the Dobby in Harry Potter is much cuter than this creepy elf. At least that Dobby didn't urinate anywhere in his masters' house as far as I know.

Just between you and me, I’m sure the Dobby in Harry Potter is much cuter than this creepy elf. At least that Dobby didn’t urinate anywhere in his masters’ house as far as I know.

17. Flickers thinks you might need some fire in your eyes.

I bet you Mrs. Fluglesburg is going to be pissed when she tries to put in her contacts in the morning. Naughty, Flickers!

I bet you Mrs. Fluglesburg is going to be pissed when she tries to put in her contacts in the morning. Naughty, Flickers!

18. Looks like Captain James T. Kirk isn’t the only guy partial to green girls.

And I see that Pringles has enough money to burn for Frankenstein's daughter's pole dancing routine. Shouldn't an Elf on the Shelf keep away from such joints?

And I see that Pringles has enough money to burn for Frankenstein’s daughter’s pole dancing routine. Shouldn’t an Elf on the Shelf keep away from such joints?

19. Seems like Snowball really likes to play with the family leg lamp.

Of course, I hope Snowball's fascination with what is better suited for a titty bar doesn't amount to anything inappropriate. Or did I say that too soon?

Of course, I hope Snowball’s fascination with what is better suited for a titty bar doesn’t amount to anything inappropriate. Or did I say that too soon?

20. Seriously, you don’t want to know what he’s doing with that toothbrush.

Oh, my God, that's really sick. Now I guess their toothbrushes are all covered in elf shit, this family might need to go to Wal Mart or Big Lots.

Oh, my God, that’s really sick. Now I guess their toothbrushes are all covered in elf shit, this family might need to go to Wal Mart or Big Lots.

21. Oh, dear, looks like Noggy just upskirted an angel.

Now Noggy isn't just in trouble with Santa and the North Pole, he'll also have to deal with the wrath of God on top of that. Really, God really doesn't take sexual harassment toward angels very lightly. And that angel will report him.

Now Noggy isn’t just in trouble with Santa and the North Pole, he’ll also have to deal with the wrath of God on top of that. Really, God really doesn’t take sexual harassment toward angels very lightly. And that angel will report him.

22. Seems like Hingle is trying to tell us something.

So when Hingle is talking about crabs, is he referring to those stuffed crabs or? Oh, my God, he didn't did he? Jesus Christ! Well, at least he's honest.

So when Hingle is talking about crabs, is he referring to those stuffed crabs or? Oh, my God, he didn’t did he? Jesus Christ! Well, at least he’s honest.

23. Man, seems like Thistlewhite is making some kind of blue candy. Oh, wait a minute!

Oh, my God, don't tell me that Thistlewhite has started his own crystal meth business! Seriously, we may need to report him for this before there's a meth problem among the toys.

Oh, my God, don’t tell me that Thistlewhite has started his own crystal meth business! Seriously, we may need to report him for this before there’s a meth problem among the toys.

24. Seems like Honey Bear has gotten in trouble with the Abominable Snowman and is being barbecued.

Seems like there will be one less Elf on the Shelf returning to the North Pole this Christmas Eve. Of course, the Abominable Snowman can't wait to eat some delicious elf ribs.

Seems like there will be one less Elf on the Shelf returning to the North Pole this Christmas Eve. Of course, the Abominable Snowman can’t wait to eat some delicious elf ribs.

25. Oh, no, seems like Glitter Bug has a paint huffing problem. Dear Lord!

Looks like we need to report this to Santa Claus. Also, that paint huffing can't be good for Glitter Bug's magic.

Looks like we need to report this to Santa Claus. Also, that paint huffing can’t be good for Glitter Bug’s magic.

26. Oh, no, looks like Plinker has been sentenced to firing squad.

Either Plinker did something really bad or the Overly house is a repressive dystopian toy dictatorship. Man, wouldn't want to go there.

Either Plinker did something really bad or the Overly house is a repressive dystopian toy dictatorship. Man, wouldn’t want to go there.

27. Of course, if reindeer games amounted to stuff like this, maybe Rudolph was lucky.

Well, I know this reindeer is just a figurine, but I can't help suspecting this elf for bestiality. Still, Santa won't be happy about this.

Well, I know this reindeer is just a figurine, but I can’t help suspecting this elf for bestiality. Still, Santa won’t be happy about this.

28. Looks like Clinker is having a really wild life with a ballerina doll as far as I can see.

Still, let's hope that this was consensual and neither regret it in the morning. Still, they're drinking very strong stuff and will probably have massive hangovers when they wake up.

Still, let’s hope that this was consensual and neither regret it in the morning. Still, they’re drinking very strong stuff and will probably have massive hangovers when they wake up.

29. Looks like Blinker was arrested in a domestic dispute with Barbie. Luckily the action figure police was there.

Let's hope that he didn't do anything to Barbie and that Ken doesn't find out. Man, Blinker must be one very bad elf.

Let’s hope that he didn’t do anything to Barbie and that Ken doesn’t find out. Man, Blinker must be one very bad elf.

30. “Shut up, and give me all you got before I stab you!”

Did Tingles just rob a gas station convenience store? Let's just say he's not coming back to the Fosters' house after this year.

Did Tingles just rob a gas station convenience store? Let’s just say he’s not coming back to the Fosters’ house after this year.

31. “Quick, give him some oxygen, we’re losing him, I tell you!”

Man, seems like spending all night at raves really caught up to Charlie. Man, I love how Mrs. Tyler used her old breast pump as an oxygen mask.

Man, seems like spending all night at raves really caught up to Charlie. Man, I love how Mrs. Tyler used her old breast pump as an oxygen mask.

32. At least he found a toilet to puke in.

This all night drinking and partying doesn't seem to get Flinker on Santa's "nice" list. In fact, he may not return from the North Pole after this.

This all night drinking and partying doesn’t seem to get Flinker on Santa’s “nice” list. In fact, he may not return from the North Pole after this.

33. “I’m sure Frosty won’t suffer…..much.” (giggles)

Looks like Glingle might be exhibiting signs of being a possible psychopath or sociopath. Nevertheless, Glingle is evil.

Looks like Glingle might be exhibiting signs of being a possible psychopath or sociopath. Nevertheless, Glingle is evil.

34. Welcome to the annual Reindeer Games. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Of course, I'm sure Team Shelf Elf will kill a lot of the other North Pole Tributes with Katniskle's bow and candy canes.

Of course, I’m sure Team Shelf Elf will kill a lot of the other North Pole Tributes with Katniskle’s bow and candy canes.

35. Looks like Mickey is going to be in for a surprise when he comes home to Minnie. Let’s just say, I’d hate to see Iggie be punched by a Disney mouse.

Man, Minnie you're a very bad girl. Then again, I'm sure Mickey wouldn't be very good in bed. I mean his voice must be a major turn off. Still, it would be really funny to see an angry Mickey beat up the elf bedding Minnie.

Man, Minnie you’re a very bad girl. Then again, I’m sure Mickey wouldn’t be very good in bed. I mean his voice must be a major turn off. Still, it would be really funny to see an angry Mickey beat up the elf bedding Minnie.

36. Sleigh Bell always wants to lend a helping hand and sees nothing wrong with joining Tony Montana in their joint drug empire.

For those who've seen either the Brian DePalma or the 1933 version of Scarface, all of you should know that it won't end well for Tony Montana and Sleigh Bell.

For those who’ve seen either the Brian DePalma or the 1933 version of Scarface, all of you should know that it won’t end well for Tony Montana and Sleigh Bell.

37. Of course, since Chrissy won’t do it with him Mingles will have to take drastic action.

Oh, my God, is he sneaking a roofie in her drink? Seriously, Mingles is lucky that he's not at the North Pole right now or Santa would have his ass.

Oh, my God, is he sneaking a roofie in her drink? Seriously, Mingles is lucky that he’s not at the North Pole right now or Santa would have his ass.

38. Binky and Barbie were snorting cocaine and oh, my God, what the hell’s going on with Barbie?

Still, I'm really not sure if Binky is capable of showing any remorse for what's befallen Barbie. Hey, Binky, you're at a kid's house, not Wall Street!

Still, I’m really not sure if Binky is capable of showing any remorse for what’s befallen Barbie. Hey, Binky, you’re at a kid’s house, not Wall Street!

39. “Stop! You’re money or your life!”

Either this elf on the shelf is an Old West bandit or some 18th century highwayman. Either way, you wouldn't want to mess with him.

Either this elf on the shelf is an Old West bandit or some 18th century highwayman. Either way, you wouldn’t want to mess with him.

40. Pinky really seems to enjoy surfing online.

Unfortunately, Pinky seems on his way into developing an addiction to porn and violent video games. He needs serious therapy.

Unfortunately, Pinky seems on his way into developing an addiction to porn and violent video games. He needs serious therapy.

41. Looks like Jingles is stealing from Mr. Johnson’s wallet. I hope he’s not going to use the money for something naughty.

Oh, dear, now he has the Johnsons' cash and American Express card. Boy, the Johnsons are sure going to receive a large credit card bill once Jingles is done using it. Seems like Jingles is becoming a very expensive house guest.

Oh, dear, now he has the Johnsons’ cash and American Express card. Boy, the Johnsons are sure going to receive a large credit card bill once Jingles is done using it. Seems like Jingles is becoming a very expensive house guest.

42. Seems like Cup Cup’s drinking problem led to his North Pole termination.

Now Cup Cup is basically living on the streets sleeping under newspapers, warming himself to makeshift fires, and chugging down his Absolut Vodka.

Now Cup Cup is basically living on the streets sleeping under newspapers, warming himself to makeshift fires, and chugging down his Absolut Vodka.

43. During the holiday season at the McClanahan house, the toys all assemble for their very own Fight Club. Beginners usually have to face the elf first.

And looks like Grimble is literally kicking Ken's ass. Still, how the hell is he going to fight Thomas the Tank Engine?

And looks like Grimble is literally kicking Ken’s ass. Still, how the hell is he going to fight Thomas the Tank Engine?

44. Oh, my God, Nimble seems to have gotten hold of Mr. McGilicuddy’s gun. Hope it’s not loaded.

Okay, seems that Nimble has gone insane so before anyone gets hurt, now's the time to report him to Santa. Please do it now.

Okay, seems that Nimble has gone insane so before anyone gets hurt, now’s the time to report him to Santa. Please do it now.

45. Seems like the toys have been acting differently since Timmy arrived to the Lindauer’s home.

Of course, Timmy seems to be getting really rich off the toys money who seem to show up very high. Hope this picture is from Colorado since pot is totally legal there. I'm not sure if Santa will approve though.

Of course, Timmy seems to be getting really rich off the toys money who seem to show up very high. Hope this picture is from Colorado since pot is totally legal there. I’m not sure if Santa will approve though.

46. Of course, Numby always loves to help his family decorate for Christmas.

However, I'm not sure decorating the dog with Christmas lights is what the Griswolds have in mind. Also, it seems like Jake might be in fear of getting electrocuted. Yet, I'm not sure if he could sit still.

However, I’m not sure decorating the dog with Christmas lights is what the Griswolds have in mind. Also, it seems like Jake might be in fear of getting electrocuted. Yet, I’m not sure if he could sit still.

47. “$20 for Valium? What a bargain!”

Okay, I think Hanky may have a drug problem. Seriously, this was taken at some drug dealer's house.

Okay, I think Hanky may have a drug problem. Seriously, this was taken at some drug dealer’s house. Please report him to Santa.

48. “Okay, ladies, now I want you to make out under the mistletoe. And I want you girls to get down and dirty.”

While Freddy wasn't spying on the Parkers' kids during the holiday season, he had a side career as an amateur pornographer. And he also cast Maisie's Barbie dolls as actresses.

While Freddy wasn’t spying on the Parkers’ kids during the holiday season, he had a side career as an amateur pornographer. And he also cast Maisie’s Barbie dolls as actresses.

49. Seems like Heimel won’t be going back to the Bradfords this year. I wonder what caused Santa to fire him.

Now Heimel spends his days drinking pop, eating junk food, and watching daytime TV while wrapped in his Snuggie. Poor thing.

Now Heimel spends his days drinking pop, eating junk food, and watching daytime TV while wrapped in his Snuggie. Poor thing.

50. Looks like Ken has been very, very naughty to meet his end through the clutches of Buddy.

Oh, my God, did Ken really brutally murder all those women? Boy, at least he won't be able to kill Barbie. I didn't know he was a sick bastard.

Oh, my God, did Ken really brutally murder all those women? Boy, at least he won’t be able to kill Barbie. I didn’t know he was a sick bastard.

51. Oh, dear, seems like Twinkle Toes likes to steal money from children.

I'm sure he took much more than just a nickel from Johnny's first piggy bank. And I thought elves were supposed to be nice to children.

I’m sure he took much more than just a nickel from Johnny’s first piggy bank. And I thought elves were supposed to be nice to children.

52. “All right, Prince, if you want to see Snow White again, bring me $100,000 ransom. If you don’t meet my demands, she’s history.”

Little did this little elf know that Snow White also lives with seven little men who would be just as pissed. Yet, at least he enlisted the cooperation of Star Wars lego minifigs.

Little did this little elf know that Snow White also lives with seven little men who would be just as pissed. Yet, at least he enlisted the cooperation of Star Wars lego minifigs.

53. Seems like Flicker is planning a big party with the toys while the Polaskys are out Christmas shopping.

Okay, but I'd be very concerned about Flicker hauling a box filled with Red Stripe and a big bottle of bourbon. Yeah, the house is going to be a mess.

Okay, but I’d be very concerned about Flicker hauling a box filled with Red Stripe and a big bottle of bourbon. Yeah, the house is going to be a mess.

54. Oh, my God, what did Ringly do with Barbie and Ken?

Looks, like he caught Barbie and Ken together and he shot them dead. Either that, or he's just one sick evil bastard elf who should be reported to Santa.

Looks, like he caught Barbie and Ken together and he shot them dead. Either that, or he’s just one sick evil bastard elf who should be reported to Santa.

55. Seems like Glitter Bell has done something naughty enough to get a mugshot.

Oh, dear, things aren't looking good for Glitter Bell aren't they? Wonder what she did to get herself in trouble like this.

Oh, dear, things aren’t looking good for Glitter Bell aren’t they? Wonder what she did to get herself in trouble like this.

56. “Here’s your change for that pack of Marlboros, so thank you and good night.”

This isn't going to sit well with Santa at all. Then again, Santa is said to smoke a pipe. Still, Yule is being very, very, naughty.

This isn’t going to sit well with Santa at all. Then again, Santa is said to smoke a pipe. Still, Yule is being very, very, naughty.

57. Sorry, Walter White, but Dinky is the one who knocks.

And he seems to run a racket on dealing sweetner, which is now a nationwide epidemic. Hope Santa doesn't hear about this.

And he seems to run a racket on dealing artificial sweetner, which is now a nationwide epidemic. Hope Santa doesn’t hear about this.

58. Looks like Jerry loves to collect things.

Unfortunately, Jerry seems to becoming quite the hoarder. You should see his place at the North Pole.

Unfortunately, Jerry seems to becoming quite the hoarder. You should see his place at the North Pole.

59. Seems like Soapy has finally found the Bumgarners’ liquor and medicine cabinets.

So that's why the pain meds and wild turkey have been disappearing all of a sudden. Still, I think he may have a problem.

So that’s why the pain meds and wild turkey have been disappearing all of a sudden. Still, I think he may have a problem.

60. “I have your wallet now.”

Thanks to Bartilkins, Barry Madison hasn't been able to drive or buy anything again, which is quite a shame really. He has a lot of debt from his credit cards already.

Thanks to Bartilkins, Barry Madison hasn’t been able to drive or buy anything again, which is quite a shame really. He has a lot of debt from his credit cards already.

61. On second thought, maybe it was a bad idea for the Bateses to name their elf Norman.

Looks like Norman has a habit of using kitchen knives near the bath tub And since then, the family doesn't even want to step foot in the bath tub again or take a shower.

Looks like Norman has a habit of using kitchen knives near the bath tub And since then, the family doesn’t even want to step foot in the bath tub again or take a shower.

62. Seems like Bimble is in the mood for red rum as he writes on the wall.

Oh, wait a minute, I just forgot that "Red Rum" is murder spelled backwards. My mistake. Still, quite creepy.

Oh, wait a minute, I just forgot that “Red Rum” is murder spelled backwards. My mistake. Still, quite creepy.

63. So that’s how Krinkly reports back to Santa. Interesting.

Wait a minute, he's not texting to Santa. He's sexting to someone else. Boy, Krinkles seems to have some internet sexting addiction if you know what I mean. I hope the parents don't get in trouble.

Wait a minute, he’s not texting to Santa. He’s sexting to someone else. Boy, Krinkles seems to have some internet sexting addiction if you know what I mean. I hope the parents don’t get in trouble.

64. Great, Jangles just flashed at the Playmobil people.

Luckily the Playmobil wasn't on duty at the time or the elf would've been arrested for indecent exposure.

Luckily the Playmobil wasn’t on duty at the time or the elf would’ve been arrested for indecent exposure.

65. Seems like Igby really likes to work with his hands.

Unfortunately, he seems to have created some Barbie centipede which is pretty terrifying if you know what I mean. I wonder if these shelf elves have to undergo any background checks. They should.

Unfortunately, he seems to have created some Barbie centipede which is pretty terrifying if you know what I mean. I wonder if these shelf elves have to undergo any background checks. They should.

66. Oh, look, Dobbie’s written something on the eggs.

Not only does Dobbie pee on Christmas villages but he also has quite the potty mouth if you know what I mean.

Not only does Dobbie pee on Christmas villages but he also has quite the potty mouth if you know what I mean.

67. “Hello, Clarice.”

Next he'll be talking about how he ate a guy's liver with some fava beans and a fine chianti.

Next he’ll be talking about how he ate a guy’s liver with some fava beans and a fine chianti.

68. For the Fractellis, here’s your new elf on the shelf, Snooki.

Of course, we know that Snooki is fresh out of Elf on the Shelf school and ended up graduating last in her class, for obvious reasons.

Of course, we know that Snooki is fresh out of Elf on the Shelf school and ended up graduating last in her class, for obvious reasons.

69. Seems like Eddie really takes to living in a mobile RV home.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure if his living arrangement does any good for the environment. I mean dumping sewage down a storm drain is illegal as well as not a good idea.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure if his living arrangement does any good for the environment. I mean dumping sewage down a storm drain is illegal as well as not a good idea.

70. Aww, Plinko and Barbie sharing a- wait a minute, that’s twerking isn’t it?

Man, Plinko is going to get in a lot of trouble with Santa when the big guy hears about this at the North Pole. Still, great rendition of the 2013 VMAs.

Man, Plinko is going to get in a lot of trouble with Santa when the big guy hears about this at the North Pole. Still, great rendition of the 2013 VMAs.

71. Oh, my God, is Jingles planning on shooting Rudolph? Good heavens!

Yes, I know that December is deer hunting season. Yet, this doesn't mean that anyone has the right to shoot any of Santa's reindeer, especially Rudolph.

Yes, I know that December is deer hunting season. Yet, this doesn’t mean that anyone has the right to shoot any of Santa’s reindeer, especially Rudolph.

72. Man, looks like things at the North Pole aren’t going so well.

Looks like Crumpet was just arrested for taking part in his Occupy, North Pole demonstrations. Guess Santa isn't very nice after all.

Looks like Crumpet was just arrested for taking part in his Occupy, North Pole demonstrations. Guess Santa isn’t very nice after all.

73. Seems like the toys have had enough with Bimbles.

Hope that house doesn't have a child who's potty training or Bimbles is going to stink like hell. Really he'll smell like poo and pee.

Hope that house doesn’t have a child who’s potty training or Bimbles is going to stink like hell. Really he’ll smell like poo and pee from a 3-year-old.

74. Gristlekins really likes to get down and dirty with the blue girls.

Of course, perhaps he tends to be a very big fan of 50 Shades of Grey as well as very into BDSM. Yes, he likes to get kinky. But then again, not that there's anything wrong wit that.

Of course, perhaps he tends to be a very big fan of 50 Shades of Grey as well as very into BDSM. Yes, he likes to get kinky. But then again, not that there’s anything wrong wit that.

75. “Quick, get the defibrillator. I think we may be losing him.”

Oh, my God, guess a life of hard living eventually caught up with Puddy. Seems like he won't be going to the North Pole on Christmas Eve this year.

Oh, my God, guess a life of hard living eventually caught up with Puddy. Seems like he won’t be going to the North Pole on Christmas Eve this year.

76. All Frankie needs are his cigarette, a bottle of Absolut, and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

I hate to say this but it looks like Frankie has a bit of a drinking problem. I wonder if the North Pole has AA, rehab, or the 12-step programs? I mean Frankie will hit rock bottom before he knows it.

I hate to say this but it looks like Frankie has a bit of a drinking problem. I wonder if the North Pole has AA, rehab, or the 12-step programs? I mean Frankie will hit rock bottom before he knows it.

77. Seems like Blueball is filming his new flick, Barbies Gone Wild.

Not only that, but he's using Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins' camcorder, too. Seems like Santa won't be the only person who'll be pissed off at him.

Not only that, but he’s using Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins’ camcorder, too. Seems like Santa won’t be the only person who’ll be pissed off at him. He’ll be in a lot of trouble.

78. Oh, nice, Brimbles is having a party. Adorable.

Wait a minute, he's snorting cocaine with a Smurf and two Disney Princesses. This is a coke party! Hey, this is a family home, not The Wolf of Wall Street! Man, wait until the toy police show up.

Wait a minute, he’s snorting cocaine with a Smurf Mrs. Potts, and two Disney Princesses. This is a coke party! Hey, this is a family home, not The Wolf of Wall Street! Man, wait until the toy police show up. It was probably Brimbles’ idea.

79. Oh, my God! Jimbles killed Barbie!

I don't know about you but if Jimbles wants to get a good sentence, he might want to call his attorney this instant. Also, definitely not returning to the Elf on the Shelf program next year.

I don’t know about you but if Jimbles wants to get a good sentence, he might want to call his attorney this instant. Also, definitely not returning to the Elf on the Shelf program next year.

80. Seems like someone made a nice message on the fridge.

Okay, seems like Flynny may need serious counseling or else put up in a mental institution. Still, after this year, I don't think this family should do Elf on the Shelf again.

Okay, seems like Flynny may need serious counseling or else put up in a mental institution. Still, after this year, I don’t think this family should do Elf on the Shelf again.

Jolly Old Sketchy Saint Nicholas

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

santa-claus3

It’s always been a Christmas tradition for kids to see their local Santa Claus impersonator to request on what they want for Christmas. It’s also been a tradition that children have their picture taken with Santa as well. Still, while Santa Claus is supposed to be an old jolly bearded fat man in a red suit who’s supposed to inspire holiday cheer and adoration from children, sometimes the portrayal doesn’t go too well. Of course, there are times when people have to make do with what they got when it comes to having a Santa Claus, yet when it goes wrong, the side effects could range from unfortunate photo ops, frightened children, and the jolly Christmas icon seeming more suited for a horror movie than the festive holiday season. Nevertheless, there have been moments in which Santa doesn’t seem so nice and it’s the sketchy Santas I’ll show you in this post. So without further adieu, I present a treasury of Santas whose laps nobody would want to sit on. Some of these may not be safe for work.

1. Looks like Santa Claus has been drained of the spirit of Christmas.

"Yes, I get that you'd want Elsa from Frozen like every other goddamn kid I've seen today. And for God's sake can't you just take the picture to get it over with? I'm holding a screaming kid in my arms."

“Yes, I get that you’d want Elsa from Frozen like every other goddamn kid I’ve seen today. And for God’s sake can’t you just take the picture to get it over with? I’m holding a screaming kid in my arms.”

2. Someone doesn’t feel jolly this holiday season and I don’t think it’s the kid.

Kind of reminds me of the mall Santa on A Christmas Story who told Ralphie, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid. Ho, ho, ho" before pushing him down the chute. Still, this guy must hate his job.

Kind of reminds me of the mall Santa on A Christmas Story who told Ralphie, “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid. Ho, ho, ho” before pushing him down the chute. Still, this guy must hate his job.

3. Seems like Punisher Santa doesn’t really understand children.

"So I asked the kid what he wanted for Christmas and I stood for the picture. So it ain't my fucking fault that he burst into tears at the sight of me!"

“So I asked the kid what he wanted for Christmas and I stood for the picture. So it ain’t my fucking fault that he burst into tears at the sight of me!”

4. While the baby doesn’t seem to be too upset, I’d be scared to death if this Santa was posing with my baby.

Yes, I'm sure that this babe will do nicely for being Santa Claus' next meal, literally. Santa always loves feasting on the fresh bodily flesh of innocent babies.

Yes, I’m sure that this babe will do nicely for being Santa Claus’ next meal, literally. Santa always loves feasting on the fresh bodily flesh of innocent babies.

5. “Why, Johnny, that’s an interesting balloon you have, I wonder if that’s a present for your parents. And I’m sure I wouldn’t put it between your legs if I were you.”

Now this Santa and kid photo op is quite awkward because there's something rather inappropriate about it. And I don't think Santa putting his arm around the boy does anything to help.

Now this Santa and kid photo op is quite awkward because there’s something rather inappropriate about it. And I don’t think Santa putting his arm around the boy does anything to help.

6. Nothing turns off anyone more than the presence of a Santa Claus in his underwear.

Only Mrs. Claus could ever find such a man attractive and probably took the picture. At least I hope so. Too bad someone found it to post on the Internet.

Only Mrs. Claus could ever find such a man attractive and probably took the picture. At least I hope so. Too bad someone found it to post on the Internet.

7. Take it easy on him, kids, since Santa’s been implicated in some barroom brawl the night before and hasn’t been feeling himself lately.

Yes, and Santa is now sporting a shiner due to being punched in the face and being hit on the head with a bottle.

Yes, and Santa is now sporting a shiner due to being punched in the face and being hit on the head with a bottle.

8. Now I know he’s supposed to be Santa Claus but his face kind of reminds me of Old Man Winter.

"Your roads and driveway will be a bitch to clean up once I'm done with them. So expect being late to work more often this holiday season. Ho, ho, ho."

“Your roads and driveway will be a bitch to clean up once I’m done with them. So expect being late to work more often this holiday season.

9. Santa shares a photo op with a couple of kids and Beppo the clown.

Seems like Santa doesn't enjoy sharing the spotlight this Christmas season,especially with a clown that is more suitable for Halloween nightmares. Still, I'm sure the clown is going to get it once he and Santa get off from work.

Seems like Santa doesn’t enjoy sharing the spotlight this Christmas season,especially with a clown that is more suitable for Halloween nightmares. Still, I’m sure the clown is going to get it once he and Santa get off from work.

10. I can’t tell whether Santa is a bit peeved by getting squashed by two ladies on his lap or thrilled to death for the same thing.

"Sure I may be gasping for breath but at least I have girls on my lap who are over 18 years old. Hope they ask for a jolly fat sausage for Christmas this year."

“Sure I may be gasping for breath but at least I have girls on my lap who are over 18 years old. Hope they ask for a jolly fat sausage for Christmas this year.”

11. Looks like the boss had Vinnie play Santa for the annual Christmas party on behalf of the Family’s kids.

"Man, when Don Vito said he'll make me an offer I can't refuse, I didn't mean it would amount to posing with his kids in this stupid costume. God, I feel like I just want to whack somebody for this."

“Man, when Don Vito said he’ll make me an offer I can’t refuse, I didn’t mean it would amount to posing with his bratty kids in this stupid costume. God, I feel like I just want to whack somebody for this. Then again, maybe I should’ve refused the offer.”

12. Since Santa couldn’t make it today, I’m sure the evil Saruman from Isengard will make a good substitute. I mean he has a white beard doesn’t he?

"I think I'll take this little girl with me to Middle Earth. I'm sure the other one won't miss her sister that much."

“I think I’ll take this little girl with me to Middle Earth. I’m sure the other one won’t miss her sister that much.”

13. “Well, how would you feel if you had to spend once a year breaking into people’s houses through their chimneys just to leave something nice for their kids?”

Of course, I'm sure that while the kid seems perfectly composed, Santa seems to be a bit pissed. Then again, imagine if you had to deal with reindeer pooping on people's roofs.

Of course, I’m sure that while the kid seems perfectly composed, Santa seems to be a bit pissed. Then again, imagine if you had to deal with reindeer pooping on people’s roofs.

14. Here’s Santa Claus sitting with what appears to be Rhoda Penmark. You know the girl who killed that boy over not getting the Penmanship Award on a field trip.

"Of course, I see you when you're sleeping and know when you're awake. Also, I know you've been really, really, bad this year so no presents for you, kiddo."

“Of course, I see you when you’re sleeping and know when you’re awake. Also, I know you’ve been really, really, bad this year so no presents for you, kiddo.”

15. “I have you now, my pretty, and I could’ve gotten your little dog, too. But the mall doesn’t allow pets.”

"So if you want to see your daughter again this Christmas, give me some of those Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies near the tree with a bottle of Dom Perignon. Oh, and a ransom of $5,000 because those presents don't pay for themselves."

“So if you want to see your daughter again this Christmas, give me some of those Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies and a T-bone steak near the tree with a bottle of Dom Perignon. Oh, and a ransom of $5,000 because those presents don’t pay for themselves.”

16. “Did this girl just pee on my knee?”

"Man, that little shit just cost me a pair of red pants. Now what am I going to tell the manager? God, I hate kids."

“Man, that little shit just cost me a pair of red pants. Now what am I going to tell the manager? God, I hate kids.”

17. “I’ll just stick my hand right there for safety-sake, Bobby… Ol’ Santa wouldn’t want ya slippin’ of his lap, now would he?”

Hey, Santa, you aren't supposed to touch kids between their legs. Still, at least you won't see that Santa again because I'm sure those parents complained.

Hey, Santa, you aren’t supposed to touch kids between their legs. Still, at least you won’t see that Santa again because I’m sure those parents complained. Yet, this poor boy is scarred for life.

18. Zombie Santa Claus seems very hungry for little kids’ brains. Sadly, Ritchie would never be seen again after this picture was taken.

"Mommy, don't let him take me! He's dead, I tell you! And he wants to eat me!" But Ritchie's mom just wouldn't listen.

“Mommy, don’t let him take me! He’s dead, I tell you! And he wants to eat me!” But Ritchie’s mom just wouldn’t listen.

19. Yes, Santa Claus gives toys for the good girls and boys but he will come back for their souls later.

Sure these two girls may look happy, but little do they notice the evil lurking within the Sinister Mr. Kringle. Yes, kids, Santa Claus is evil incarnate.

Sure these two girls may look happy, but little do they notice the evil lurking within the Sinister Mr. Kringle. Yes, kids, Santa Claus is evil incarnate.

20. Seems like it’s Christmas in Disneyland.

Remind me not to go to visit Disneyland with my kids during the holiday season. Also, seems like Santa's about to do something kinky with Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

Remind me not to go to visit Disneyland with my kids during the holiday season. Also, seems like Santa’s about to do something kinky with Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

21. Now here’s Saint Nicholas with three of his helpers. Hey, wait a minute, those aren’t elves!

For those not familiar with David Sedaris, this picture was taken in the Netherlands. While we all seem to recognize Saint Nicholas as the bearded white guy, those three guys in blackface are 3 of the 6 to 8 black men. Of course, this is the main reason why I wouldn't recommend black people to travel to the Netherlands at this time in December.

For those not familiar with David Sedaris, this picture was taken in the Netherlands. While we all seem to recognize Saint Nicholas as the bearded white guy, those three guys in blackface are 3 of the 6 to 8 black men. Of course, this is the main reason why I wouldn’t recommend black people to travel to the Netherlands at this time in December.

22. While you want your kid’s first visit with Santa to be memorable, make sure it doesn’t traumatize them for life.

Now if a Santa Claus manages to be so menacing to frighten babies, then you might want to go to another Santa. Seriously, I can see why this baby is totally shitting its diaper right now.

Now if a Santa Claus manages to be so menacing to frighten babies, then you might want to go to another Santa. Seriously, I can see why this baby is totally shitting its diaper right now.

23. “Come sit on Santa’s lap. I have candy canes.”

"Mommy, please don't let me sit with the scary bearded man. Please, Mommy. It's not funny, Mommy."

“Mommy, please don’t let me sit with the scary bearded man. Please, Mommy. It’s not funny, Mommy. I’m serious, Mommy.”

24. Looks like eye shadowed Santa has a gift for all the kids who sit on his lap.

"And can you please give Mommy a boxed set of 50 Shades of Grey and a DVD of Secretary?"

“And can you please give Mommy a boxed set of 50 Shades of Grey and a DVD of Secretary? Also, can you please give Daddy a pair of wifebeaters?”

25. While he’s on break, Santa Claus likes to strum his guitar and drink a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Of course, who would've thought that Santa Claus is a terrible role model for children? Still, he'll probably be totally wasted once he's back to work.

Of course, who would’ve thought that Santa Claus is a terrible role model for children? Still, he’ll probably be totally wasted once he’s back to work.

26. Of course, this is what you get when you hire the homeless guy outside a Kmart to play Santa Claus.

And from how that baby's acting up, I'm sure this Santa certainly smells like a homeless guy. But at least this Santa didn't have to grow a beard.

And from how that baby’s acting up, I’m sure this Santa certainly smells like a homeless guy. But at least this Santa didn’t have to grow a beard.

27. “Oh, Ms Tammy! Those the set I brought ya last year? How ’bout Ol’ Santa brings you a nice shiny pole to go along with’em!?!?!?”

My, my, it seems that Santa Claus has been a very, very naughty boy this year. Guess he's not getting any presents at least from Mrs. Claus.

My, my, it seems that Santa Claus has been a very, very naughty boy this year. Guess he’s not getting any presents at least from Mrs. Claus.

28. Creepy Ghost Santa said, “So, Sally, what would you like for Christmas this year? Oh, wait a minute, you probably already answered that question in your nightmares.” Of course, this was right before he chopped her with an axe.

From Neatorama: "This Mr. Claus looks so cold and lifeless that I can’t help but wonder if they just let all the youngsters take their Santa photos with a dead Kris Kringle. Whatever the story behind this picture, the end result is horrifying."

From Neatorama: “This Mr. Claus looks so cold and lifeless that I can’t help but wonder if they just let all the youngsters take their Santa photos with a dead Kris Kringle. Whatever the story behind this picture, the end result is horrifying.”

29. Only in an adult club could a guy sit on Santa’s lap wearing a speedo and holding a tenor saxophone.

Santa Claus: "Okay, if I have to deal with this kind of shit on a daily basis during this gig, consider me not open to doing it next year."

Santa Claus: “Okay, if I have to deal with this kind of shit on a daily basis during this gig, consider me not open to putting the red suit on next year.”

30. “Looks like the Valium is about to kick in at any moment…..right about now.”

"Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus, Right on Santa Claus Lane, Zzzzzzz."

“Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Right on Santa Claus Lane, Zzzzzzz.”

31. “Ewww, Santa’s breath smells like our drunk Uncle Harry during a bender.”

"Sorry, kiddies, but Santa always has to drink at least a few shots of bourbon before breakfast."

“Sorry, kiddies, but Santa always has to drink at least a few shots of bourbon before breakfast. It’s how he manages to deal with cranky elves and out of control reindeer in their games. Now he needs another drink.”

32. Come to see Santa Claus, he’ll let you ride on his donkey.

From Neatorama: "Again, this vintage Santa picture is simply terrifying and the bearded man looks more like a monster than St. Nicholas. Even the taxidermied donkey looks more alive than this Santa Claus." Hope this little girl survives her visit to Santa and lives to tell the tale.

From Neatorama: “Again, this vintage Santa picture is simply terrifying and the bearded man looks more like a monster than St. Nicholas. Even the taxidermied donkey looks more alive than this Santa Claus.” Hope this little girl survives her visit to Santa and lives to tell the tale.

33. “Hold yer britches, Brittany, Daddy ain’t finished telling Santa Claus what he wants for Christmas.”

Santa: "I'm sure your little Brittany will get everything she wants for Christmas. Yet, as for you, I'll sure give you some shotgun shells, a six pack of beer, five years probation for your mama, and those mudflaps with the naked ladies."

Santa: “I’m sure your little Brittany will get everything she wants for Christmas. Yet, as for you, I’ll sure give you some shotgun shells, a six pack of beer, five years probation for your mama, and those mudflaps with the naked ladies.”

34. Remember, parents, don’t take your child to visit Santa Claus during the dead of night. Especially when he says, “This child is the right size for roasting.”

Santa: "So little girl, what would you want for Christmas this year?" Little Girl: "Mommy, please, don't make me sit on that man's lap. He looks like he wants to eat me."

Santa: “So little girl, what would you want for Christmas this year?”
Little Girl: “Mommy, please, don’t make me sit on that man’s lap! He looks like he wants to eat me!” (Runs off unable to stop screaming.)

35. Terrorists, say hello to Santa’s little friend, the assault rifle.

Granted, he's most likely an American soldier playing Santa during his tour of duty who's recently besieged by combat. But still, this is pretty damn funny.

Granted, he’s most likely an American soldier playing Santa during his tour of duty who’s recently besieged by combat. But still, this is pretty damn funny.

36. Sometimes adults like to take their picture with Santa Claus as well, especially couples.

I bet Santa is like, "Boy oh, boy, wish I could put my hands on that rack of hers. What knockers!" Pervert.

I bet Santa is like, “Boy oh, boy, wish I could put my hands on that rack of hers. What knockers!” Pervert.

37. While Santa Claus isn’t having kids sit on his lap, you can see him outside directing traffic.

Looks like Santa is very much enjoying this gig that he's doing a little dance at the intersection. Still, he better watch out since there may be a car coming right at him.

Looks like Santa is very much enjoying this gig that he’s doing a little dance at the intersection. Still, he better watch out since there may be a car coming right at him.

38. Why, yes, Virginia, you can have your cat pose in a picture with Santa Claus.

Now this Santa seems so terrifying that even the cat is freaking out. Still, I bet Santa is going to have a lot of scratch marks once this photo op is over.

Now this Santa seems so terrifying that even the cat is freaking out. Still, I bet Santa is going to have a lot of scratch marks once this photo op is over.

39. Before he started his career on 60 Minutes, the late Andy Rooney used to do stints playing Santa Claus at the mall. He wasn’t received well.

If you think Andy Rooney plays a terrifying Santa Claus, you should see Santa portrayed by actors like Gary Busey, Jack Nicholson, Peter Lorre, and Steve Buscemi. Then again, you'd rather not.

If you think Andy Rooney plays a terrifying Santa Claus, you should see Santa portrayed by actors like Gary Busey, Jack Nicholson, Peter Lorre, and Steve Buscemi. Then again, you’d rather not.

40. Would you let this man deliver presents for your kids around Christmas Eve?

I'm sure Santa Claus is back from his stint in jail and is vowing to catch the real culprit for the crime he didn't commit through any means necessary. Let me say, there will be hell to pay.

I’m sure Santa Claus is back from his stint in jail and is vowing to catch the real culprit for the crime he didn’t commit through any means necessary. Let me say, there will be hell to pay for someone this Christmas.

41. Hey, I didn’t know John Goodman’s character from The Big Lebowski was a mall Santa.

I haven't seen The Big Lebowski, but I'm sure things aren't going to be good if this baby's father is The Dude. Still, this Santa looks as if he has a score to settle.

I haven’t seen The Big Lebowski, but I’m sure things aren’t going to be good if this baby’s father is The Dude. Still, this Santa looks as if he has a score to settle.

42. “Now you be a good girl and go tell your momma Santa’s got a big, special present just for her…”

I don't like the look on that Santa's face and neither does the girl on his lap. In fact, she wishes she wouldn't want to sit on Santa's lap anymore.

I don’t like the look on that Santa’s face and neither does the girl on his lap. In fact, she wishes she wouldn’t want to sit on Santa’s lap anymore.

43. “Oh, yes, I’m making a list and checking it twice.”

However, judging by this Santa's face and the kids' faces, I can't really decide whether this Kris Kringle is naughty or nice.

However, judging by this Santa’s face and the kids’ faces, I can’t really decide whether this Kris Kringle is naughty or nice.

44. Santa Claus really likes children sitting on his lap.

Unfortunately, this little boy is absolutely terrified of him and perhaps so am I. Still, you'll never escape from the man they call, "The Claus."

Unfortunately, this little boy is absolutely terrified of him and perhaps so am I. Still, you’ll never escape from the man they call, “The Claus.”

45. A tired Santa Claus prepares his way to go down the chimney.

From Neatorama: "If Santa looked like that in modern Christmas movies, I think kids would stay up at night in horror rather than excitement as they went to bed expecting him to come down the chimney."

From Neatorama: “If Santa looked like that in modern Christmas movies, I think kids would stay up at night in horror rather than excitement as they went to bed expecting him to come down the chimney.”

46. “All right, photo 1,546 coming right up. Damn, you’d think I’d have migraines after a spending a day with people flashing cameras in my face.”

"Ho, ho, ho, Santa needs a break from this, really. How many more kids do I have to pose with before I pass out?"

“Ho, ho, ho, Santa needs a break from this, really. How many more kids do I have to pose with before I pass out?”

47. Just Old Kris Kringle curled up with a bottle of booze on his lunch break.

He's probably trying to drown his sorrows over the fact that Mrs. Claus may be fooling around with one of the elves. Still, I think Santa may have a drinking problem here.

He’s probably trying to drown his sorrows over the fact that Mrs. Claus may be fooling around with one of the elves. Still, I think Santa may have a drinking problem here.

48. “I’ve got plans for you, Goldilocks.”

Santa seems to be plotting something and I don't like the look on his face either. Neither does the boy. Seriously, how can anyone think Santa doesn't look evil in this?

Santa seems to be plotting something and I don’t like the look on his face either. Neither does the boy. Seriously, how can anyone think Santa doesn’t look evil in this?

49. Heeeere’s Santa!

Perhaps this Santa should tone the holiday cheer down a bit. Because he almost seems to have the appearance of the neighborhood psychokiller with a $50,000 reward dead or alive.

Perhaps this Santa should tone the holiday cheer down a bit. Because he almost seems to have the appearance of the neighborhood psychokiller with a $50,000 reward dead or alive.

50. Santa Claus: Jolly old gift giver who brings tidings of comfort, joy, and good cheer or Snidely Whiplash in disguise.

Okay, Dudley Do-Right, you win. Still, Snidely hasn't really aged all too well has he? And he's put on a lot of weight, too.

Okay, Dudley Do-Right, you win. Still, Snidely hasn’t really aged all too well has he? And he’s put on a lot of weight, too.

51. “Certainly, Mr. Gregson, I’ll take very good care of that redheaded stepson of yours….for a while.”

From Neatorama: "Indeed, poor little Zak looks like he’s being kidnapped for ransom money by this gruff-looking Mr. Claus."

From Neatorama: “Indeed, poor little Zak looks like he’s being kidnapped for ransom money by this gruff-looking Mr. Claus.”

52. These eyes have certainly seen a darker side of Christmas.

I'm sure your child is perfectly safe with this guy who might be on some kind of "registered offenders" list in some states.

I’m sure your child is perfectly safe with this guy who might be on some kind of “registered offenders” list in some states.

53. “I saw Mommy spanking Santa Claus/Underneath the mistletoe last night.” And looks like Santa didn’t seem to mind.

Oh, yes, spank that fat Santa ass will you. Because Santa has been a very naughty boy if you know what I mean.

Oh, yes, spank that fat Santa ass will you. Because Santa has been a very naughty boy if you know what I mean.

54. Don’t look now but I think there’s a scary red suited beardy man behind you.

"All right, which one of you told Daddy that they saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus? Well, that's no presents for you Chloe."

“All right, which one of you told Daddy that they saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus? Well, that’s no presents for you Chloe.”

55. “For the love of God, how much time do I have left for this?”

"Be a mall Santa, they said. It would be fun, they said. Boy, those bastards were terribly wrong."

“Be a mall Santa, they said. It would be fun, they said. Boy, those bastards were terribly wrong.”

56. Just because  a little girl may have a shirt that says she loves Santa, doesn’t mean she actually does.

Of course, Santa is only taking the job because it looks good on his resume as well as impresses his parole officer, not to be critical.

Of course, Santa is only taking the job because it looks good on his resume as well as impresses his parole officer, not to be critical.

57. Sorry, kids, looks like Santa has been drinking too much eggnog lately.

Perhaps this picture perfectly explains why Grandma got run over by a reindeer that fateful Christmas Eve. Obviously, Santa was drunk that night, too. Wonder if he's heard of Alcoholics Anonymous?

Perhaps this picture perfectly explains why Grandma got run over by a reindeer that fateful Christmas Eve. Obviously, Santa was drunk that night, too. Wonder if he’s heard of Alcoholics Anonymous or the 12 step program?

58. “I always love it when they squeal.”

"Yes, cry my little one! I'm always energized and refreshed by the cries of innocent children! Ho, ho, ho!"

“Yes, cry my little one! I’m always energized and refreshed by the cries of innocent children! Ho, ho, ho! Their tears always give me great nourishment.”

59. Santa: “So, little lady have you been a good little girl this year?”

Little Girl: "Mommy, get me off this scary man's lap! I'll be good, honest I will! Just get me out of here! Please don't force me to sit on his lap, please!"

Little Girl: “Mommy, get me off this scary man’s lap! I’ll be good, honest I will! Just get me out of here! Please don’t force me to sit on his lap, please!”

60. Sorry, kid, but there’s no escaping Santa now!

"The best part about this job is that they let kids sit on your lap and you don't have to go through a background check."

“The best part about this job is that they let kids sit on your lap and you don’t have to go through a background check.”

61. “I was only kidding about Rudolph being hit by a 747.”

"Hey, can't a little kid take a bit of gallows humor this holiday season? What the hell is wrong with this boy?"

“Hey, can’t a little kid take a bit of gallows humor this holiday season? Jesus, what the hell is wrong with this boy?”

62. It’s said while Santa gives bad kids coal for Christmas, he puts bad elves in the fire for kindling.

Let's just hope that if this is a good kid because I would be terrified if I find out that she's a horrible little elf. Still, I could see evil in this Santa's eyes.

Let’s just hope that if this is a good kid because I would be terrified if I find out that she’s a horrible little elf. Still, I could see evil in this Santa’s eyes beneath his fluffy white beard.

63. “Here, you take him, I think he just spoiled my robe here.”

I don't know about you but if this photo didn't take place somewhere in Europe, then the Santa hood has got to go. Otherwise, Santa looks like some evil red cloaked wizard.

I don’t know about you but if this photo didn’t take place somewhere in Europe, then the Santa hood has got to go. Otherwise, Santa looks like some evil red cloaked wizard.

64. Yes, Virginia, Santa loves cats.

He also knows a lot a ways to skin them as well, not to be critical. Still, would you want your cat to sit with this man?

He also knows a lot a ways to skin them as well, not to be critical. Still, would you want your cat to sit with this man?

65. “Do you think the child is frightened by the wig? Or is it just me?”

Let's just sum up what makes this Santa terrifying as hell: 1. The ugly wig you'd see on someone playing George Washington. 2. The beard you'd see on a homeless bum. 3. The red hood which doesn't go good on him. Still, I can see why this baby isn't a happy camper.

Let’s just sum up what makes this Santa terrifying as hell: 1. The ugly wig you’d see on someone playing George Washington. 2. The beard you’d see on a homeless bum. 3. The red hood which you’d likely see on a cult leader.
Still, I can see why this baby isn’t a happy camper.

66. While parents love to take their kids to see Santa, they always try to avoid seeing a flashing one.

We may divided on whether to see Santa at the mall this year, but there's certainly a consensus that nobody wants to see a naked Santa. Ho, ho, hell no!

We may divided on whether to see Santa at the mall this year, but there’s certainly a consensus that nobody wants to see a naked Santa. Ho, ho, hell no!

67. Sorry, kids, but Santa has to get a lap dance from Mrs. Claus.

Nice to see the two having that spark after all these years together at the North Pole. Still, do they have to make out in front of everyone? That ain't right.

Nice to see the two having that spark after all these years together at the North Pole. Still, do they have to make out in front of everyone? That ain’t right.

68. He sees you when you’re sleeping, He knows when you’re awake, He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.

Okay, the concept of posing with your kid while Santa watches out the window is actually rather terrifying if you ask me.

Okay, the concept of posing with your kid while Santa watches out the window is actually rather terrifying if you ask me.

69. Come into Santa’s car. He’ll take your requests and give you free candy.

Sure he may be Santa Claus or some known sicko dressed up as Santa Claus to lure children with free candy. Either way, I wouldn't risk it and keep the hell a way from him.

Sure he may be Santa Claus or some known sicko dressed up as Santa Claus to lure children with free candy. Either way, I wouldn’t risk it and keep the hell a way from him.

70. Sometimes it’s every child’s wish to see Santa during the Christmas season.

Sometimes, it's Santa visits like this that will forever live in these children's nightmares. Still, this Santa seems like he wants to do very naughty things to these innocent souls in his workshop.

Sometimes, it’s Santa visits like this that will forever live in these children’s nightmares. Still, this Santa seems like he wants to do very naughty things to these innocent souls in his workshop.

For more: Bad Santas- http://suburbanturmoil.com/the-very-best-of-bad-santa/2013/12/18/

Don’t Try This at Home Craft Projects

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

Crafts

Crafts have always been with us and will probably go on forever. Whether it’s from the kid made to do some project in art class or the adult with repressed creative impulses who wants to make money from Etsy, we’ve seen them all. Such arts could range from the DIY to sewing and knitting, upholstery, taxidermy, beading, jewelry making, or what not. After all, some people create stuff to use as gifts for others. Yet, while some craft projects might inspire love and adoration, others not so much. Still, while I could go on and on about the nice little craft ideas and such, you would find that boring. Instead, I’ll feature pictures of DIY craft projects that are so crazy and terrible that you’d wonder why anyone would buy them off Etsy. If not, then perhaps make you scratch your head as to why anyone would create such a craftastrophe in the first place. So without further adieu, here are some craft projects you might not want kids doing art class. By the way, this post may not be safe for work.

1. If you want to make baby’s first Thanksgiving memorable, perhaps you can put them in this cute little turkey costume.

Let's just say, when this baby grows up, he's going to look at his old baby pictures and wonder what the hell were his parents thinking. Seriously, this is pretty disturbing.

Let’s just say, when this baby grows up, he’s going to look at his old baby pictures and wonder what the hell were his parents thinking. Seriously, this is pretty disturbing.

2. Brave the elements with this knitted poncho headdress.

Now while I'm sure this poncho can keep you warm, I'm not sure if it can keep you immune from embarrassment. Still, seems more of a cross between knitted table cloth and something you'd see in a fashion show in Saudi Arabia.

Now while I’m sure this poncho can keep you warm, I’m not sure if it can keep you immune from embarrassment. Still, seems more of a cross between knitted table cloth and something you’d see at a fashion show in Saudi Arabia.

3. Behold, a style of sunglasses inspired by the flamboyant fashion sense of Lady Gaga and the 1340s Bubonic Plague doctor.

Yeah, I'm sure this sunglasses style plays less what you'd see in a Lady Gaga music video and more of a cross between Lady Gaga meets Big Bird's evil twin.

Yeah, I’m sure this sunglasses style plays less what you’d see in a Lady Gaga music video and more of a cross between Lady Gaga meets Big Bird’s evil twin.

4. Bundle up with this state of the art boob scarf.

Now I don't know this item's effectiveness against winter weather. However, I'm sure that wearing it will give you a lot of unwanted attention, especially if you're a guy.

Now I don’t know this item’s effectiveness against winter weather. However, I’m sure that wearing it will give you a lot of unwanted attention, especially if you’re a guy.

5. Ladies, walk on the street in style with these fancy slug brooches.

Seriously, what kind of girl would want to be seen wearing these things? I mean they may seem rather nice but the concept of slug brooches is kind of disgusting.

Seriously, what kind of girl would want to be seen wearing these things? I mean they may seem rather nice but the concept of slug brooches is kind of disgusting. More like collectibles for young boys.

6. Scrub yourself off after the big game with some Buffalo Wings and celery soap.

I'm sure no little kid is going to see these and mistake this soap set for the real thing. Yeah right. Still, why make soap that resembles food?

I’m sure no little kid is going to see these and mistake this soap set for the real thing. Yeah right. Still, why make soap that resembles food?

7. Give your sweetheart a reminder to practice safe sex with this lovely condom flower bouquet.

I'm sure every girl out there wants their boyfriend to send them a dozen condom flowers for Valentine's Day. For God's sake this bouquet is in such poor taste as well as the fact you'd be embarrassed to have such a display in your home. This is especially true if you or your guests have kids. Perhaps these would look better in a love nest or sex dungeon.

I’m sure every girl out there wants their boyfriend to send them a dozen condom flowers for Valentine’s Day. For God’s sake this bouquet is in such poor taste as well as the fact you’d be embarrassed to have such a display in your home. This is especially true if you or your guests have kids. Perhaps these would look better in a love nest or sex dungeon.

8. Now grace your house with this knitted pig being cut open on a platter.

I wonder if Jewish or Muslim parents would buy such an item for their kids so they could make them too traumatized to eat pork, ham, sausage, or bacon. Yeah, this is very disturbing.

I wonder if Jewish or Muslim parents would buy such an item for their kids so they could make them too traumatized to eat pork, ham, sausage, or bacon. Yeah, this is very disturbing.

9. Scrub yourself squeakly clean with these soap dentures.

Let's hope that these never show up in any home for the elderly shall we? After all, some may mistake this for their own set of dentures if you know what I mean.

Let’s hope that these never show up in any home for the elderly shall we? After all, some may mistake this for their own set of dentures if you know what I mean.

10. Add a little character to you lawn with this Duck Lady statue.

Now having a statue of a naked woman is one thing, but with her sporting a duck's head. Well, that's just an all too tacky lawn ornament to ignore. Seriously, this is just a terrible statue.

Now having a statue of a naked woman is one thing, but with her sporting a duck’s head. Well, that’s just an all too tacky lawn ornament to ignore. Seriously, this is just a terrible statue.

11. Protect yourself with this tampon gun and bullets.

I always thought tampons were just feminine hygiene products meant to protect women from dirtying their clothes during their time of the month. I guess they're also great for home security as well.

I always thought tampons were just feminine hygiene products meant to protect women from dirtying their clothes during their time of the month. I guess they’re also great for home security as well.

12. Now these soaps with razor blades make great gifts for the whole family.

I'm sure everyone in your family would love to have soaps like these. Well, anyone in your family serving time in the state penitentiary that is. However, I'm sure these would get confiscated by the guards upon entry regardless.

I’m sure everyone in your family would love to have soaps like these. Well, anyone in your family serving time in the state penitentiary that is. However, I’m sure these would get confiscated by the guards upon entry regardless.

13. Give your child a unicorn bike they will certainly treasure.

I'm sure this boy is very happy with his new bike as the boy in the background is looking at him with some confused disdain. Still, it's all fun and games until he gets beat up in school for it.

I’m sure this boy is very happy with his new bike as the boy in the background is looking at him with some confused disdain. Still, it’s all fun and games until he gets beat up in school for it.

14. For the upcoming movie 50 Shades of Grey, here’s Barbie as Anastasia Steele with her very own sex dungeon.

Then again, I hear there's a BDSM Dominatrix Barbie as well. Of course, this one comes with her own cat o' nine tails. Yet, I wonder what BDSM Ken looks like.

Then again, I hear there’s a BDSM Dominatrix Barbie as well. Of course, this one comes with her own cat o’ nine tails. Yet, I wonder what BDSM Ken looks like.

15. Please your man this Christmas with these homemade knitted men’s shorts.

Let's just say even if your guy says he likes these, he will never wear them. Seriously, this is a perfectly terrible waste of yarn. Making him an ugly Christmas sweater would've been a better idea.

Let’s just say even if your guy says he likes these, he will never wear them. Seriously, this is a perfectly terrible waste of yarn. Making him an ugly Christmas sweater would’ve been a better idea.

16. Got beer cans? Well, make a lovely flower display with them for your living room.

I'm sure this Heineken six pack tulip planter will only please two kinds of people: rednecks and environmentalists. Other than that, most people would question your taste in interior decorating upon viewing this.

I’m sure this Heineken six pack tulip planter will only please two kinds of people: rednecks and environmentalists. Other than that, most people would question your taste in interior decorating upon viewing this. I’m sure this is a remnant from Martha Stewart’s college years.

17. Be the life of the party with this Pabst can skirt.

Now if this girl's in college, it's very likely that her boyfriend's in a fraternity. Else, how else could she collect all the Pabst beer cans to make this.

Now if this girl’s in college, it’s very likely that her boyfriend’s in a fraternity. Else, how else could she collect all the Pabst beer cans to make this. Still, at least this skirt is bound to slice the crap out of a potential rapist.

18. Make these figurines by creating clay made from the lint in your clothes dryer.

Sure this may look cute but making figurines with dryer lint. Well, that's about up there with knitting with dog hair. Yeah.

Sure this may look cute but making figurines with dryer lint. Well, that’s about up there with knitting with dog hair. Yeah.

19. Step in style with these duck foot pumps to go with your duckface.

Unless your job is to play Daisy Duck in Disney World, then I don't have the slightest idea why any woman wouldn't look stupid in these. Seriously, these are just crazy.

Unless your job is to play Daisy Duck in Disney World, then I don’t have the slightest idea why any woman wouldn’t look stupid in these. Seriously, these are just crazy.

20. Keep your feet warm with these colorful knitted knee socks.

Now I can't decide whether these are clown socks or psychedelic socks. Then again, if they were created by someone who's high and smell like reefer, then it's probably the latter.

Now I can’t decide whether these are clown socks or psychedelic socks. Then again, if they were created by someone who’s high and smell like reefer, then it’s probably the latter.

21. May your DIY crown of thorns not only show your love for Jesus on Easter but also be used a a prop for your local Passion Play.

Now I'm sure there's nothing wrong with using a crown of thorns as a DIY project or Easter decoration. However, it's best that you don't make this item a sacrilegious artifact by using it as an hors de' oerdurve tray. Else, the Lord will smite you.

Now I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with using a crown of thorns as a DIY project or Easter decoration. However, it’s best that you don’t make this item a sacrilegious artifact by using it as an hors de’ oeuvres tray despite the tempting toothpicks. Else, the Lord will smite you. If not, then my grandma certainly will.

22. With this breakfast hat and purse, you will always have it to go.

I'm sure this woman looks so smart with her eggs, sausage, and has browns purse as well as her bacon and eggs hat. Still, I doubt she'd want to show up at the office wearing them.

I’m sure this woman looks so smart with her eggs, sausage, and has browns purse as well as her bacon and eggs hat. Still, I doubt she’d want to show up at the office wearing them, even in the 1980s.

23. Adorn yourself with these lovely earrings with toilet paper made of pearls.

I'm sure no woman would be caught dead wearing these. That is, unless she's interviewing for a job with the sewage authority.

I’m sure no woman would be caught dead wearing these. That is, unless she’s interviewing for a job with the sewage authority or waste management. Or perhaps dating someone from those fields.

24. No girl isn’t all dressed and ready to go unless she has her very own Louis Vuitton assault rifle.

While the Louis Vuitton assault rifle may be one of the most fashionable firearms, but it can kill you. Still, why the hell would anyone make this? It's just so fucked up.

While the Louis Vuitton assault rifle may be one of the most fashionable firearms, but it can kill you. Still, why the hell would anyone make this? It’s just so fucked up.

25. Have any child feel at home with this nice little coat rack of disembodied doll parts.

Now this might be perfectly fine with the Addams family nursery. Yet, I don't think I could say the same about any other kid's room. Seriously, this is bound to cause nightmares.

Now this might be perfectly fine with the Addams family nursery. Yet, I don’t think I could say the same about any other kid’s room. Seriously, this is bound to cause nightmares.

26. Light your rooms with these lovely handbag lamps with feet.

This is basically a perfectly good waste of things you can carry stuff in. Besides, you may have no idea whether these materials are flammable.

This is basically a perfectly good waste of things you can carry stuff in. Besides, you may have no idea whether these materials are flammable.

27. Of course, handbags also make a rather great decoration for lamps as well.

Now if everything is going to hell in a hand basket, might as well scare the hell out of the Devil with this tacky creation.

Now if everything is going to hell in a hand basket, might as well scare the hell out of the Devil with this tacky creation.

28. No woman’s look is complete without a pair of high heels made from deer hooves.

Now I'm sure PETA won't be happy with me posting this. Also, I'm sure deer hoof high heels would make anyone wearing them look absolutely ridiculous.

Now I’m sure PETA won’t be happy with me posting this. Also, I’m sure deer hoof high heels would make anyone wearing them look absolutely ridiculous.

29. This stack of pancakes doesn’t look too happy.

I mean you'd feel upset too if you were covered in butter and maple syrup. I mean nobody wants that.

I mean you’d feel upset too if you were covered in butter and maple syrup. I mean nobody wants that.

30. Now that is one fancy ring.

From Regretsy: "It’s called a 'cocktail ring' because you can balance a 12 ounce tumbler on it. And it’s ceramic, so you’re all set when the hot hors d’oeuvres come out." Yet, I'm not sure if it's also used as a top hat for parrots.

From Regretsy: “It’s called a ‘cocktail ring’ because you can balance a 12 ounce tumbler on it. And it’s ceramic, so you’re all set when the hot hors d’oeuvres come out.” Yet, I’m not sure if it’s also used as a top hat for parrots.

31. Reach for the sky with this Balloon poncho.

From Regretsy: "Kind of like, 'one-size-fits-most' and 'must have.' I'm not sure about 'elegant' and 'poncho,' but then, I haven't seen it in 'Blue Moose in the Woods.'" Also, since I'm way over say, six I'd be embarrassed to wear it.

From Regretsy: “Kind of like, ‘one-size-fits-most’ and ‘must have.’ I’m not sure about ‘elegant’ and ‘poncho,’ but then, I haven’t seen it in ‘Blue Moose in the Woods.'” Also, since I’m way over say, six I’d be embarrassed to wear it.

32. This Gumball Baby Doll is a perfect gift for anyone during all occasions.

Now this doll is bound to give children nightmares. Hell, it's giving me nightmares already. Still, despite the rainbow appearance, it's as creepy as hell.

Now this doll is bound to give children nightmares. Hell, it’s giving me nightmares already. Still, despite the rainbow appearance, it’s as creepy as hell.

33. Honor your home with this one of a kind, Groundhog Native American Shield.

Now from the moment people saw this, they knew there would be 6 more weeks of crap. Also, is that groundhog eating a potato chip? Why?

Now from the moment people saw this, they knew there would be 6 more weeks of crap. Also, is that groundhog eating a potato chip? Why?

34. Have a holly, jolly, hooftastic Christmas with this deer hoof ornament.

For Rudolph so loved the world that he gave his only foot. Still, would you want this thing on your Christmas tree? I doubt it.

For Rudolph so loved the world that he gave his only foot. Still, would you want this thing on your Christmas tree? I doubt it.

35. Enhance your beauty with this eye lash necklace made from real human hair.

Hey, is this necklace winking at me? Still, why would anyone come up with this idea? I mean it's fairly creepy. Also, how?

Hey, is this necklace winking at me? Still, why would anyone come up with this idea? I mean it’s fairly creepy. Also, how?

36. Every girl this Christmas wants an alien nut doll with hair extensions riding a pony.

From Regretsy: "QUESTIONS 1. What am I looking at? 2. Where did the alien get the horse? Is it an alien horse? If so, does it contain nuts? 2. What if I wanted the head made out a filbert? 3. How much is shipping to Earth? 4. Can I buy this if I have squirrels?"

From Regretsy:
“QUESTIONS
1. What am I looking at?
2. Where did the alien get the horse? Is it an alien horse? If so, does it contain nuts?
2. What if I wanted the head made out a filbert?
3. How much is shipping to Earth?
4. Can I buy this if I have squirrels?”

37. I’m sure a rose hair decoration made from orange peel is a piece of beauty.

I don't know about you but I don't think using a compost piece as a hair decoration is a good idea. In fact, I think it's rather disgusting and highly unsanitary.

I don’t know about you but I don’t think using a compost piece as a hair decoration is a good idea. In fact, I think it’s rather disgusting and highly unsanitary.

38. Make a great presence with this ornate macreme mask.

Of course, this might make a great prop for a Halloween costume. Yet, I'm sure this mask will steal your soul. So don't look at it!

Of course, this might make a great prop for a Halloween costume. Yet, I’m sure this mask will steal your soul. So don’t look at it!

39. “*CIRCLES OF VERISIMILITUDE* represents numerous useful platters, clocks, and mirrors, all created from large metal container lids, 24 inches inches in diameter, and formed from collections of miscellaneous ‘stuff.'”

Well, I'm sure there are worse things you can do with disposable razors. I suppose killing yourself ranks among them. Still, I'm sure if I'd want this for my bourdoir since the mirror seems too small.

Well, I’m sure there are worse things you can do with disposable razors. I suppose killing yourself ranks among them. Still, I’m sure if I’d want this for my bourdoir since the mirror seems too small.

40. Now what young girl doesn’t want a pillow with Tinkerbell’s face on it?

Man, Tinkerbell certainly hasn't aged very well. Also, I don't know about you, but I'm sure she's had Botox injections if you know what I mean. Still, she's really gone downhill since Peter Pan.

Man, Tinkerbell certainly hasn’t aged very well. Also, I don’t know about you, but I’m sure she’s had Botox injections if you know what I mean. Still, she’s really gone downhill since Peter Pan.

41. “Victorian inspired turtle foot, with gold foil, brass wire, and bee detail. Antique green point-back rhinestones add extra sparkle, and the brass dangle gives a touch of whimsy.”

Just what I need for my new outfit: a decaying disembodied turtle foot encrusted in jewels. Wonder what happened to the rest of the turtle.

Just what I need for my new outfit: a decaying disembodied turtle foot encrusted in jewels. Wonder what happened to the rest of the turtle.

42. Light up the party with this one of a kind Yarn Monster Dress.

From Regretsy: "This might be the best 'Girl trying to look sexy in a stupid $335 dress' costume I've seen this year."

From Regretsy: “This might be the best ‘Girl trying to look sexy in a stupid $335 dress’ costume I’ve seen this year.”

43. Use your dad’s unwanted neckties to make your own sexy lingerie.

Seriously, these are thongs and they don't look comfortable by any means. Also, why would anyone do this? It's pretty disturbing if you know what I mean.

Seriously, these are thongs and they don’t look comfortable by any means. Also, why would anyone do this? It’s pretty disturbing if you know what I mean.

44. For those who want to keep their bong with their lighter, here’s a rainbow bong cozy.

Now unless you live in an area where pot's legalized, I'm sure you'll be arrested for selling either of these drug paraphernalia items on the internet. I mean look what happened to Tommy Chong.

Now unless you live in an area where pot’s legalized, I’m sure you’ll be arrested for selling either of these drug paraphernalia items on the internet. I mean look what happened to Tommy Chong.

45. Finally a doll house giving a tribute to the hit TV show Hoarders.

This woman really needs to clean her house. And I suppose that she has a ton of cats as well. Still, this is a doll house you'd give to a young girl.

This woman really needs to clean her house. And I suppose that she has a ton of cats as well. Still, this is a doll house you’d give to a young girl.

46. Finally, a little coat and hat set for a cute little chihuahua.

Man, Tinkerbell doesn't look very happy in her new crocheted bundle up set. In fact, she looks really pissed.

Man, Tinkerbell doesn’t look very happy in her new crocheted bundle up set. In fact, she looks really pissed off.

47. Now how about a nice diamond encrusted pennant with some vintage tin can?

Then again, I'm not sure if I'd want to wear a necklace with a tin that says "Ex-Lax, the Chocolate Laxative" on it. Vintage or otherwise.

Then again, I’m not sure if I’d want to wear a necklace with a tin that says “Ex-Lax, the Chocolate Laxative” on it. Vintage or otherwise.

48. Make a giant dream catcher by weaving neck ties and panty hose around a hula hoop.

Then again, I don't know what the hell this thing is. Seriously, the dreamcatcher was the closest approximation in my book. Perhaps it's what a teacher of mine called a "gok" meaning "God Only Knows."

Then again, I don’t know what the hell this thing is. Seriously, the dreamcatcher was the closest approximation in my book. Perhaps it’s what a teacher of mine called a “gok” meaning “God Only Knows.”

49. Take your mom’s tacky garden flamingos and turn them into dragons.

Never in the history of the world has something been so tacky yet so awesome at the same time. Yet, it kind more or less resembles a flamingo cyborg dragon that's painted purple and sprinkled with glitter.

Never in the history of the world has something been so tacky yet so awesome at the same time. Yet, it kind more or less resembles a flamingo cyborg dragon that’s painted purple and sprinkled with glitter.

50. I’m sure your cat would love this little mobile hat of the solar system.

I'm sure this cat seems board of its mind as well as embarrassed to have its picture taken with this solar system hat on its head. Nice try, Sheldon Cooper.

I’m sure this cat seems board of its mind as well as embarrassed to have its picture taken with this solar system hat on its head. Nice try, Sheldon Cooper.

51. If your cat loves to snuggle on your lap, why don’t you give them the next best thing?

This cat is probably thinking: "There's no way in God's green acres that I'm sitting sleeping on this pair of legs. No way in hell. Also, where are the torso and hands to stroke my fur? And where's it's head?"

This cat is probably thinking: “There’s no way in God’s green acres that I’m sitting sleeping on this pair of legs. No way in hell. Also, where are the torso and hands to stroke my fur? And where’s it’s head?”

52. For the first time ever, I bring you Potato Sack Couture.

Now I didn't know that the Paris Runway was featuring Boise for Fashion week this year. Guess those down home farm fashions are coming back.

Now I didn’t know that the Paris Runway was featuring Boise for Fashion week this year. Guess those down home farm fashions are coming back.

53. For those who want to relive key moments from The Wire, here are some miniature blocks of crack or what’s referred to as, “product.”

Now if only if they come up with a line of The Wire action figures like they did with Breaking Bad. Of course, Omar's would sell off the charts.

Now if only if they come up with a line of The Wire action figures like they did with Breaking Bad. Of course, Omar’s would sell off the charts.

54. And now a replica of Roary, mascot for the Detroit Lions.

Looks more like an appropriate mascot for the Detroit Pistons to me. That or perhaps what you get if the Terminator mated with the giant demonic blue horse at the Denver Airport.

Looks more like an appropriate mascot for the Detroit Pistons to me. That or perhaps what you get if the Terminator mated with the giant demonic blue horse at the Denver Airport.

55. Now nothing says cozy than a pair of bedroom slippers made from Maxi pads.

Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? And yes, I do wear Maxi pads on a monthly basis but that's where the sun don't shine. So if I had some kind of emergency during my time of the month does that mean I could wear one of these in my underwear?

Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? And yes, I do wear Maxi pads on a monthly basis but that’s where the sun don’t shine. So if I had some kind of emergency during my time of the month does that mean I could wear one of these in my underwear?

56. And now a crocheted reenactment of The Exorcist.

Now this scene is disgusting enough. Yet, let's just say if this makes your stomach upset, then you don't want to see how this scene plays out in the movie. Seriously, you don't.

Now this scene is disgusting enough. Yet, let’s just say if this makes your stomach upset, then you don’t want to see how this scene plays out in the movie. Seriously, you don’t.

57. Finally, a nice soap for young girls.

For God's sake, what's with the "Face Soap, Not Balls Soap" disclaimer. I'm sure there's no man who'd want to scrub his testicles with a soap that's meant for young girls. I mean what the hell?

For God’s sake, what’s with the “Face Soap, Not Balls Soap” disclaimer. I’m sure there’s no man who’d want to scrub his testicles with a soap that’s meant for young girls. I mean what the hell?

58. Seems E. T. didn’t have a good time in Las Vegas.

And I thought E. T. was such a sweet alien from what I've seen in the movie. Looks like my childhood is ruined since E. T.'s hung over, fresh from a fight, and has a real attitude problem.

And I thought E. T. was such a sweet alien from what I’ve seen in the movie. Looks like my childhood is ruined since E. T.’s hung over, fresh from a fight, and has a real attitude problem.

59. Now even a young girl can have her very own Sasquatch baby doll to call her own.

Eddie Munster, meet your new baby sister Debbie. I'm sure you two will get along great together since she looks a lot like you.

Eddie Munster, meet your new baby sister Debbie. I’m sure you two will get along great together since she looks a lot like you.

60. Relive your experience in high school biology class with this dissected frog knit display.

Now I remember why I didn't want to take a biology class in college and opted for geology and chemistry instead during my sophomore year. Of course, the chemistry class pertained to nutrition and hearing about Type II Diabetes every week, but that's beside the point.

Now I remember why I didn’t want to take a biology class in college and opted for geology and chemistry instead during my sophomore year. Of course, the chemistry class pertained to nutrition and hearing about Type II Diabetes every week, but that’s beside the point.

61. Nothing makes an ocean home better than a mirror decorated from inedible crab legs.

Now in regards to ocean style decor, this is quite terrifying if you know what I mean. This especially true if you have some idea where these legs came from.

Now in regards to ocean style decor, this is quite terrifying if you know what I mean. This especially true if you have some idea where these legs came from.

62. Now this seems like a truly relaxing couch pillow.

If the famous Cubist painter Pablo Picasso did couch pillows, they would've looked like this. Yet, I suppose they would've been more colorful.

If the famous Cubist painter Pablo Picasso did couch pillows, they would’ve looked like this. Yet, I suppose they would’ve been more colorful.

63. And now, three new flavors of lip balm for men.

I don't know about you but I kind of consider the idea of bacon, pizza, and dill pickle lip balm flavors rather disgusting. I mean applying these might make some people think you have a severe case of halitosis or just haven't brushed your teeth.

I don’t know about you but I kind of consider the idea of bacon, pizza, and dill pickle lip balm flavors rather disgusting. I mean applying these might make some people think you have a severe case of halitosis or just haven’t brushed your teeth.

64. May I present to you a unique artistic rendition of a liver transplant.

Now I don't know about you but I see something sinister in that surgeon. Also, is that patient George W. Bush? Looks like it. Then again, Bush is an alcoholic whether he's been drinking or not as well as a horrible president.

Now I don’t know about you but I see something sinister in that surgeon. Also, is that patient George W. Bush? Looks like it. Then again, Bush is an alcoholic whether he’s been drinking or not as well as a horrible president. Also, I wonder if there’s one of a proctologist or someone getting a colonoscopy.

65. I’m sure these are salt and pepper shakers, honestly.

Still, knowing that the "P" can mean "pee" or "piss" while the "s" could pertain to "shit," let's just say the premise of outhouse salt and pepper shakers is rather disgusting once you really think about it.

Still, knowing that the “P” can mean “pee” or “piss” while the “s” could pertain to “shit,” let’s just say the premise of outhouse salt and pepper shakers is rather disgusting once you really think about it.

66. Adorn your living room with these giant pillows of rotten bananas.

I'm sure the person who made these was planning on doing banana pillows but couldn't find any yellow fabric. So he or she probably settled with black instead. Still, rather disgusting if you know what I mean.

I’m sure the person who made these was planning on doing banana pillows but couldn’t find any yellow fabric. So he or she probably settled with black instead. Still, rather disgusting if you know what I mean.

67. And now, a great fashion runway show featuring the Hamburger Monster Yarn Dress.

I guess this Yarn Hamburger Queen dress was one of the failed attempts for McDonalds to find a new companion for the Hamburglar. Yet, only the Hamburglar would know that this dress was good enough to eat.

I guess this Yarn Hamburger Queen dress was one of the failed attempts for McDonalds to find a new companion for the Hamburglar. Yet, only the Hamburglar would know that this dress was good enough to eat.

68. I now introduce you to Chewbacca, master of seduction.

Now let's say that there are some women who may find a walking carpet like Chewie rather sexy, but those girls usually attend furry conventions. Still, this is a great Star Wars take off from that picture of George in that Seinfeld episode.

Now let’s say that there are some women who may find a walking carpet like Chewie rather sexy, but those girls usually attend furry conventions. Still, this is a great Star Wars take off from that picture of George in that Seinfeld episode.

69. In the NSA even the coffeemakers are spies.

Don't look now but whenever someone in the NSA gets a cup of joe, this coffee machine is watching them every second of the day. Talk about terrifying.

Don’t look now but whenever someone in the NSA gets a cup of joe, this coffee machine is watching them every second of the day. Talk about terrifying.

70. Grace your living room with this lovely coffin couch.

I'm sure this coffin would go very well in Dracula's Transylvania Castle. I'm sure it would be a great place for him to sleep whenever his wife banishes him from their double coffin during the day.

I’m sure this coffin would go very well in Dracula’s Transylvania Castle. I’m sure it would be a great place for him to sleep whenever his wife banishes him from their double coffin during the day.

71. During Halloween, perhaps you can dispense little pumpkin soaps to trick or treaters.

I'm sure kids would know that these pumpkin soaps aren't real candy they could eat. Well, any kid over the age of 6 anyway.

I’m sure kids would know that these pumpkin soaps aren’t real candy they could eat. Well, any kid over the age of 6 anyway.

72. Finally, a nice hand crocheted cozy for your vibrator.

Seriously, a cozy for a vibrator? Now I haven't heard that before. Still, why?

Seriously, a cozy for a vibrator? Now I haven’t heard that before. Still, why make a cozy for a sex toy? Why?

73. Get in the fall spirit wit this turkey feather headdress.

Looks more like something I'd see on my next door neighbor's living room wall than something I'd actually wear on my head. Of course, the turkey in question would've been shot by my neighbors' anyway.

Looks more like something I’d see on my next door neighbor’s living room wall than something I’d actually wear on my head. Of course, the turkey in question would’ve been shot by my neighbors’ anyway.

74. Now I’m sure this is a great Thanksgiving outfit for a toddler girl.

Seriously, this is the toddler equivalent of the ugly Christmas sweater. Also, it's incredibly hideous. If I had a daughter, there's no way in hell I'd have her wear that. That would be too cruel.

Seriously, this is the toddler equivalent of the ugly Christmas sweater. Also, it’s incredibly hideous. If I had a daughter, there’s no way in hell I’d have her wear that. That would be too cruel.

75. While adults have pumpkin spice lattes, it’s only natural for kids to have pumpkin spice Play Dough.

Then again, maybe this autumn pumpkin spice craze might be going too far. Thanks a lot, Starbucks. Of course I was being sarcastic.

Then again, maybe this autumn pumpkin spice craze might be going too far. Thanks a lot, Starbucks. Of course I was being sarcastic.

76. To decorate your living room for Thanksgiving, here’s a painting of a dysfunctional family dinner.

Still, may this dysfunctional family dinner painting be a reminder that you're thankful for having a family that's not like them.

Still, may this dysfunctional family dinner painting be a reminder that you’re thankful for having a family that’s not like them. I mean these people seem very screwed up with several members being alcoholics.

77. For Thanksgiving, why don’t you eat pretzels with these turkey pretzel holders.

Of course, these Thanksgiving pretzel holders could also double as dildos. However, I'm sure a dildo with a turkey face could totally kill the mood.

Of course, these Thanksgiving pretzel holders could also double as dildos. However, I’m sure a dildo with a turkey face could totally kill the mood.

78. Greet the new year with this stunning New Year’s Eve dress.

You may not know it, but this dress also doubles as a bedsheet or drapery. Still, hope this woman has a holed hood to go with it or she may offend many from the African American community.

You may not know it, but this dress also doubles as a bedsheet or drapery. Still, hope this woman has a holed hood to go with it or she may offend many from the African American community.

79. To get in the Christmas spirit, I give you the coal angel.

Of course, this coal angel doesn't seem too happy here. Then again, I'm sure there aren't many kids who'd want her in their stocking. Yet, at least you can toss her in the fire come January.

Of course, this coal angel doesn’t seem too happy here. Then again, I’m sure there aren’t many kids who’d want her in their stocking. Yet, at least you can toss her in the fire come January.

80. Grace your office with this lovely glass paper weight of Swedish ice.

I don't know about you, but this doesn't seem to resemble much of a Swedish iceberg as it tends to look like a glass turd.

I don’t know about you, but this doesn’t seem to resemble much of a Swedish iceberg as it tends to look like a glass turd.

NSFW Business Naming and Design

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

When it comes to starting a business, branding is everything. Branding is how businesses market their products and services to potential customers in a way that defines as well as advertises. Now one of the first ways to come up with a brand is in the business’s name. Think of how the name in many of the brands we see today defines the products and services in a lot of today’s enterprises. Still, to the aspiring entrepreneur, the business name could come in many different forms. Some could be just the name and the business you’re offering such as “Dan Paisley’s Auto Parts Store.” Some can be more creative like “Honest John’s Used Car Dealership” or “Handsome Greg’s Hardware Store.” Sometimes you can go with a clever name like many of the businesses in The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency Series like “Speedy Motors,” “Last Chance Salon,” or “The Handsome Men’s Go-Go Bar.” Yet, however you name your business, make sure it’s suited for a PG or G rated audience and defines what you’re selling. And even if you have a good business name, make sure it’s designed in aw way it doesn’t have unfortunate implications. Still, while there may be a lot of good business names out there, this isn’t the post for them. Rather it’s for those who probably should’ve considered hiring a marketing consultant but didn’t. So without further adieu, here are some bad business names and sign designs that may make you question what the hell the owner was thinking.

1. Doggy Style Pet Shop

I'm sure a great name for a pet store pertains to a sex position deriving from the idea of two dogs humping each other. Anyone who's been around dogs would know what that means.

I’m sure a great name for a pet store pertains to a sex position deriving from the idea of two dogs humping each other. Anyone who’s been around dogs would know what that means.

2. Megaflicks Video Store

While Megaflicks is a perfectly good name for a video store, perhaps the sci-fi font wasn't a good idea. Then again, this might be more appropriate sign for an adult film store.

While Megaflicks is a perfectly good name for a video store, perhaps the sci-fi font wasn’t a good idea. Then again, this might be more appropriate sign for an adult film store.

3. Know Knew Books Used Bookstore

What business owner sees as a clever pun, another sees the sign wondering if the person who designed it knows how to spell.

What business owner sees as a clever pun, another sees the sign wondering if the person who designed it knows how to spell.

4. Retarded Children’s Thrift Store

You may need to get a new business name if the one you currently have contains highly offensive term for mentally disabled people. Seriously, it's as bad as naming your football team the Redskins.

You may need to get a new business name if the one you currently have contains highly offensive term for mentally disabled people. Seriously, it’s as bad as naming your football team the Redskins.

5. Dong Welding

When choosing an appropriate name for a business, make sure yours doesn't refer to synonym for genitalia. Also, I'm sure this business name makes men cringe if they don't know anyone named Dong.

When choosing an appropriate name for a business, make sure yours doesn’t refer to synonym for genitalia. Also, I’m sure this business name makes men cringe if they don’t know anyone named Dong.

6. Stoner Drug Pharmacy

I'm sure "Stoner Drug" is a great name for a drugstore. I can see it now, "Stoner Drug: Our Stash Will Make You High." Hope this is just a medical marijuana dispensary.

I’m sure “Stoner Drug” is a great name for a drugstore. I can see it now, “Stoner Drug: Our Stash Will Make You High.” Hope this is just a medical marijuana dispensary.

7. Blood’s Seafood & Catering

Now while Blood may be a great name for a pirate captain, it's not so much for a seafood restauranteur.

Now while Blood may be a great name for a pirate captain, it’s not so much for a seafood restauranteur. Then again, you can say that for anything else other than pirate or serial killer.

8. Boring Business Systems

I'm sure if I hear if someone has "Boring" in their business name, that I might be interested in what they have to offer. Not.

I’m sure if I hear if someone has “Boring” in their business name, that I might be interested in what they have to offer. Not.

9. Hooker Cockram Construction Firm

From a comment on a Tumblr site Awkward Names: "Just found this company in our contact database. They have an employee called R. Wang. So there's a guy called R. Wang, working at a company that specialises in erections, called Hooker Cockram."

From a comment on a Tumblr site Awkward Names: “Just found this company in our contact database. They have an employee called R. Wang.
So there’s a guy called R. Wang, working at a company that specializes in erections, called Hooker Cockram.” It’s a construction company in Australia now known as just Cockram and they even have a website, too.

10. Goin’ Postal Shipping Center

Aside from being a name of a major shipping franchise, "going postal" also means becoming extremely or uncontrollably angry, often to the point of violence, and usually in a workplace environment. It gets its name from a bunch of post office incidents from 1986s onwards about postal workers attacking and killing their fellow employees and managers.

Aside from being a name of a major shipping franchise, “going postal” also means becoming extremely or uncontrollably angry, often to the point of violence, and usually in a workplace environment. It gets its name from a bunch of post office incidents from 1986 onwards about postal workers attacking and killing their fellow employees and managers.

11. The Barfer Shoppe Pet Food Store

Now this one gets its name from its slogan "Biologically Appropriate Raw Food for Cats and Dogs." Of course when I hear "barfer" I usually think of someone regurgitating food that's been digested.

Now this one gets its name from its slogan “Biologically Appropriate Raw Food for Cats and Dogs.” Of course when I hear “barfer” I usually think of someone regurgitating food that’s already been digested.

12. Poo-Ping Palace Thai Cuisine

This is a Thai restaurant in Australia. Still, I'm not sure what Poo-Ping means in Thai. Then again, perhaps this sign is just explaining what happens a few hours later.

This is a Thai restaurant in Australia. Still, I’m not sure what Poo-Ping means in Thai. Then again, perhaps this sign is just explaining what happens a few hours later. Either way, still pretty funny.

13. B. A. A. D. Carpet Care

Gets its name from its slogan, "'Best All Around Deal' Company." Still, if you have "bad" in your business name, I'm sure people wouldn't want to buy it.

Gets its name from its slogan, “‘Best All Around Deal’ Company.” Still, if you have “bad” in your business name, I’m sure people wouldn’t want to buy it.

14. The Tranny Shop Auto Transmission Repair Service

Of course, "tranny" here is supposed to be short for transmission. Yet, when everyone else here's the word, "tranny," they think of someone who's been through a sex change.

Of course, “tranny” here is supposed to be short for transmission. Yet, when everyone else here’s the word, “tranny,” they think of someone who’s been through a sex change.

15. B. J. Queen Enterprises LLC Mechanical Contractor

Now I supposed, "B. J." is the guy's name. And I also suppose that he hasn't seen the South Park episode with the Jonas Brothers. Oh, and I'm sure no girl in her right mind may want to be referred to as "B. J. Queen."

Now I supposed, “B. J.” is the guy’s name. And I also suppose that he hasn’t seen the South Park episode with the Jonas Brothers. Oh, and I’m sure no girl in her right mind may want to be referred to as “B. J. Queen.”

16. Bong’s Cleaners Dry Cleaning

For the businessman who needs his designer suit cleaned after he's smoked one. I guess this is a dry cleaning store in the "Rocky Mountain High" Colorado.

For the businessman who needs his designer suit cleaned after he’s smoked one. I guess this is a dry cleaning store in the “Rocky Mountain High” Colorado.

17. Butt Drilling Water Well Engineers

This is a water well engineering firm in New Zealand. Still, I wonder if they have a lot of assholes working for them. Then again, that business probably made them assholes.

This is a water well engineering firm in New Zealand. Still, I wonder if they have a lot of assholes working for them. Then again, that business probably made them assholes.

18. Bill Buttram Photography

Of course, the logo design doesn't deter much shits and giggles either. As someone said on Awkward Names, "Buttram, with a nice logo to show a demonstration as to what is being said :)."

Of course, the logo design doesn’t deter much shits and giggles either. As someone said on Awkward Names, “Buttram, with a nice logo to show a demonstration as to what is being said :).”

19. Cock Polishing Services

For the man searching for a clean and polished look for where the sun don't shine. Of course, this won't count for the guy living in a nudist colony.

For the man searching for a clean and polished look for where the sun don’t shine. Of course, this won’t count for the guy living in a nudist colony.

20. Cuchi’s Barbershop and Beauty Salon

Of course, when I hear the word, "Cuchi" I think of a family hair salon. Actually not really. Still, I wonder if this place does Brazilians.

Of course, when I hear the word, “Cuchi” I think of a family hair salon. Actually not really. Still, I wonder if this place does Brazilians.

21. Dick’s Pumping Concrete Service

Doesn't help that their slogan is, "We'll put our hose anywhere." Still, I wonder if this business also sells those pumps to old men with erectile dysfunction.

Doesn’t help that their slogan is, “We’ll put our hose anywhere.” Still, I wonder if this business also sells those pumps to old men with erectile dysfunction.

22. The Dress Barn Clothing Store

Now there's nothing wrong with the name. However, it's a clothing store that caters to plus-sized women so calling one's clientele livestock won't get them rushing to the door.

Now there’s nothing wrong with the name at first.
However, it’s a clothing store that caters to plus-sized women so calling one’s clientele livestock won’t get them rushing to the door.

23. Dykes Lumber Company

Probably the only Lumber Company facility in these parts that probably has speakers blasting to Melissa Etheridge music. Also, they even have their own website.

Probably the only Lumber Company facility in these parts that probably has speakers blasting to Melissa Etheridge music. Also, they even have their own website.

24. Family Beer & Liquor Store

This is a liquor store in Illinois. Now I'm sure they came up with "Family" just to give it a down home feel. Still, I don't think a place that sells alcoholic drinks should put "family" in its name. Makes one wonder whether they sell schnapps for kindergarten kids or something.

This is a liquor store in Illinois. Now I’m sure they came up with “Family” just to give it a down home feel. Still, I don’t think a place that sells alcohol should put “family” in its name. Makes one wonder whether they sell schnapps for kindergarten kids or something.

25. P. C. P. Dining Chinese Restaurant

Possibly the Chinese restaurant that offers the trippiest food in the business. Said that the food is so good, you might want to rip off you clothes and bite your neighbor for some leftovers.

Possibly the Chinese restaurant that offers the trippiest food in the business. Said that the food is so good, you might want to rip off you clothes and bite your neighbor for some leftovers.

26. Gross Convenient Store

At least this place lives up to the reputation of most convenient stores. Let's just say people are scared enough of convenient store food as it is. Not to mention, "Gross," isn't a name you'd want to use on a business sign.

At least this place lives up to the reputation of most convenient stores. Let’s just say people are scared enough of convenient store food as it is. Not to mention, “Gross,” isn’t a name you’d want to use on a business sign.

27. Hindenburger Restaurant

Basically their burgers are said to taste so great, that you'd say "Oh, the humanity!" Seriously, why name a burger place after a 1937 aviation disaster?

Basically their burgers are said to taste so great, that you’d say “Oh, the humanity!” Seriously, why name a burger place after a 1937 aviation disaster? It’s like naming a business after the Titanic.

28. Nude Furniture Store

Basically this is a store for furniture without the covers. Nevertheless, while trying to look it up on Google Images, I got more pictures of naked women than this business.

Basically this is a store for furniture without the covers. Nevertheless, while trying to look it up on Google Images, I got more pictures of naked women than this business.

29. PMS Firearms

The gun store for those women experiencing that time of the month when they need to go on a homicidal rampage. Yeah, firearms, that's what all moody women need while on their periods.

The gun store for those women experiencing that time of the month when they need to go on a homicidal rampage. Yeah, firearms, that’s what all moody women need while on their periods.

30. Prom Discount Liquors Store

Because there always has to be the store where all the high school kids get their booze on the night that leads to more teens getting pregnant and contracting STDs than any other.

Because there always has to be the store where all the high school kids get their booze on the night that leads to more teens getting pregnant and contracting STDs than any other.

31. Hump It & Dump It Waste Removal and Demolitions

This is a business in Britain. Still, it's name can also be referred to as "one night stand." Yeah, not something that should be encouraged.

This is a business in Britain. Still, it’s name can also be referred to as “one night stand.” Yeah, not something that should be encouraged.

32. Spermies T-Shirt Design

Now seriously, what's with naming a T-shirt design business Spermies? Even worse, why is their mascot an actual sperm?

Now seriously, what’s with naming a T-shirt design business Spermies? Even worse, why is their mascot an actual sperm?

33. Butcher Family Funeral Home

Now I'm sure many people who go in there for a viewing are pleasantly surprised that the place doesn't remind them of anything related to Sweeny Todd.

Now I’m sure many people who go in there for a viewing are pleasantly surprised that the place doesn’t remind them of anything related to Sweeny Todd.

34. Booty’s House of Crabs Restaurant

I'm sure those crabs aren't the ones you get in your nether region. Still, this sign is just too dirty to ignore.

I’m sure those crabs aren’t the ones you get in your nether region. Still, this sign is just too dirty to ignore.

35. Dumploads OnUs Junk Removal Specialists

Of course, by dumping loads they mean junk, not poop. Still, I have to admit the business name certainly suits it.

Of course, by dumping loads they mean junk, not poop. Still, I have to admit the business name certainly suits it.

36. Vagina Tandoori Indian Cuisine

Now I'm sure restaurants from East Asia aren't the only ones with dirty names. Hope "vagina" doesn't mean anything inappropriate in Hindi. Then again, people in India speak a lot of different languages.

Now I’m sure restaurants from East Asia aren’t the only ones with dirty names. Hope “vagina” doesn’t mean anything inappropriate in Hindi. Then again, people in India speak a lot of different languages.

37. Fashion Do-Do Clothing Store

Basically this is the clothing store pertaining to wardrobe malfunctions. That, or designer clothes made from shit.

Basically this is the clothing store pertaining to wardrobe malfunctions. That, or designer clothes made from shit.

38. Hand Job Nails & Spa

Basically, this is a place where anyone can get a manicure, pedicure, and massage. Yet, it's also where a man could get his dick manually stimulated. Nevertheless, it's on Castro Street in San Francisco.

Basically, this is a place where anyone can get a manicure, pedicure, and massage. Yet, it’s also where a man could get his junk manually stimulated. Nevertheless, it’s on Castro Street in San Francisco, home of Harvey Milk.

39. Dirty Dick’s Crab House

Let's hope the crabs you got from Dirty Dick's are the ones you ate on your plate. Of course, Dirty Dick may be laden with STDs for all you know. Still, seriously, why go with the STD angle on crab shacks? Come on.

Let’s hope the crabs you got from Dirty Dick’s are the ones you ate on your plate. Of course, Dirty Dick may be laden with STDs for all you know. Still, seriously, why go with the STD angle on crab shacks? Come on. Don’t you want people to bring their kids?

40. Analtech Thin Laser Chromatography

This is a technology company that makes laser chromatographic plates. However, the name is more appropriate for a tech company that makes probes that go all the way up in your ass.

This is a technology company that makes laser chromatographic plates. However, the name is more appropriate for a tech company that makes probes that go all the way up in your ass.

41. FAG Bearings Corporation

This is a ball bearings company in Germany and apparently FAG is an abbreviation for a German saying. Yet, in English, "fag" is short for "faggot," which is a derogatory slur to gay people.

This is a ball bearings company in Germany and apparently FAG is an abbreviation for a German saying. Yet, in English, “fag” is short for “faggot,” which is a derogatory slur to gay people.

42. Suck Bang Blow Restaurant and Saloon

Despite the name, it's probably not an Asian restaurant. Actually, it's a biker bar at Myrtle Beach believe it or not. Still, I bet this sign gets a lot of complaints from parents.

Despite the name, it’s probably not an Asian restaurant. Actually, it’s a biker bar at Myrtle Beach believe it or not. Still, I bet this sign gets a lot of complaints from parents.

43. Pho King Way Noodles & Grill

Now this is one of more dirty named Asian restaurants. This one is Vietnamese. Sometimes I wonder why these Asian establishments have such names as a joke or something.

Now this is one of more dirty named Asian restaurants. This one is Vietnamese. Sometimes I wonder why these Asian establishments have such names as a joke or something.

44. The Chocolate Log Confectionary and Coffee Shop

Now there are great names for a candy and coffee store. Yet, I'm sure "chocolate log" isn't one of them because it's another word for "shit."

Now there are great names for a candy and coffee store. Yet, I’m sure “chocolate log” isn’t one of them because it’s another word for “shit.”

45. Ho-Made Restaurant

Now the "Eat In" and "Carry Out" slogan seem to give "Ho-Made" a whole new meaning. Then again "Ho-Made" is said to be short for "homemade" yet we all know what a "ho" is.

Now the “Eat In” and “Carry Out” slogan seem to give “Ho-Made” a whole new meaning. Then again “Ho-Made” is said to be short for “homemade” yet doesn’t make the sign sound less dirty does it?

46. S & M Mini Mall

S & M Mini Mall: the shopping center that caters to all your BDSM needs. I bet this is the ultimate shopping destination for the dominatrix where she could buy a gimp suit and the latest designer cat o' nine tails.

S & M Mini Mall: the shopping center that caters to all your BDSM needs. I bet this is the ultimate shopping destination for the dominatrix where she could buy a gimp suit and the latest designer cat o’ nine tails.

47. Stiff Nipples Air Conditioning Service

Because you never know when you'll need a cooling service that would make your house so cold that it hurts the sensitive regions of your chest.

Because you never know when you’ll need a cooling service that would make your house so cold that it hurts the sensitive regions of your chest.

48. Big Dick’s Halfway Inn Resort

Doesn't help when it's slogan is "Home of the Original Minnow Shot." Also, the arrow just kills me. Still, name of a restaurant and bar in Missouri.

Doesn’t help when it’s slogan is “Home of the Original Minnow Shot.” Also, the arrow just kills me. Still, name of a restaurant and bar in Missouri.

49. The Sweet Dairy Air Shop

Of course, while it may be a store for dairy products, the name sounds like another word for butt. Doesn't help that there's something phallic about that sheep.

Of course, while it may be a store for dairy products, the name sounds like another word for butt. Doesn’t help that there’s something phallic about that sheep.

50. Toylet Anime and Airsoft

Where anime comics and airsoft make good company. Still, I could understand anime comics at least in manga form but airsoft guns? I mean how do you play paint ball when you're sitting on the commode?

Where anime comics and airsoft make good company. Still, I could understand anime comics at least in manga form but airsoft guns? I mean how do you play paint ball when you’re sitting on the commode?

51. Herpes Pizza

Where you order pizza once and pay for it over the rest of your life. I heard the extra sores special is sensational. Still, what's with the corn ear on the sign? Seriously, what does corn have to do with pizza?

Where you order pizza once and pay for it over the rest of your life. I heard the extra sores special is sensational. Still, what’s with the corn ear on the sign? Seriously, what does corn have to do with pizza?

52. Cabbages & Condoms Thai Restaurant

Seriously, what do cabbages and condoms have to do with Thai food? Is this place trying to promote healthy eating habits and safe sex? Then again, it's in Bangkok.

Seriously, what do cabbages and condoms have to do with Thai food? Is this place trying to promote healthy eating habits and safe sex at the same time? Then again, it’s in Bangkok.

53. Hooker’s Funeral Home

Well, it has to be nice that there's a funeral that takes in all those poor sex workers who've been killed on cop shows. Their viewings must be very interesting.

Well, it has to be nice that there’s a funeral that takes in all those poor sex workers who’ve been killed on cop shows. Their viewings must be very interesting.

54. Kids Exchange

Never underestimate the value of spacing. If two close, the words, "kids exchange" may read "kid sex change." Yeah, it happens.

Never underestimate the value of spacing. If two close, the words, “kids exchange” may read “kid sex change.” Yeah, it happens.

55. Mammoth Erection Scaffolders

Remember this is a construction company, not what old man gets when he's had too many Viagra. Still, if you call this company asking for long, firm poles, they may hang up on you.

Remember this is a construction company, not what old man gets when he’s had too many Viagra. Still, if you call this company asking for long, firm poles, they may hang up on you.

56. Curl Up & Dye Hair Salon

If Sweeny Todd could expand into the beauty parlor business, this would be the perfect name for it. Still, I'm sure people don't want to have any thoughts about death while getting their haircut, especially after watching Sweeny Todd.

If Sweeny Todd could expand into the beauty parlor business, this would be the perfect name for it. Still, I’m sure people don’t want to have any thoughts about death while getting their haircut, especially after watching Sweeny Todd.

57. Badcock Home Furniture & More

Now this would be one of the most ironic places for a man to be caught with his pants down. Ironically, it's a store chain in the South, which means perhaps the place where David Vitter, Mark Sanford, and John Edwards bought their dining chairs.

Now this would be one of the most ironic places for a man to be caught with his pants down. Ironically, it’s a store chain in the South, which means perhaps the place where David Vitter, Mark Sanford, and John Edwards bought their dining chairs. Then again, you may not know who these guys are.

58. The Dirty Hoe Garden Shed

Finally, a perfect place for lonely men to get petunias, fertilizer, and a watering can for their mothers as well as a female escort for themselves.

Finally, a perfect place for lonely men to get petunias, fertilizer, and a watering can for their mothers as well as a female escort for themselves. Well, if they’re into that sort of thing and can live with the STDs for the rest of their lives.

59. Barf Bed & Breakfast

Heard they have excellent guest accommodations but the food is just disgusting. I mean it's bad enough to make you puke if you know what I mean. Still, you might want to eat out if you ever stop there.

Heard they have excellent guest accommodations but the food is just disgusting. I mean it’s bad enough to make you puke if you know what I mean. Still, you might want to eat out if you ever stop there.

60. Blue Balls Boutique

Now here's a nice little boutique for all the guys who are saving it for marriage, thinking about entering a monastery or priesthood, or men who just aren't getting any right now.

Now here’s a nice little boutique for all the guys who are saving it for marriage, thinking about entering a monastery or priesthood, or men who just aren’t getting any right now.

61. Knobs & Knockers Door Accessories

While this may be a cute name for a door accessories or hardware store, it's also a very appropriate name for a sex shop. I mean I've seen Young Frankenstein, when Gene Wilder says, "What knockers!" And Inga goes, "Oh, thank you, doctor."

While this may be a cute name for a door accessories or hardware store, it’s also a very appropriate name for a sex shop. I mean I’ve seen Young Frankenstein, when Gene Wilder says, “What knockers!” And Inga goes, “Oh, thank you, doctor.”

62. S. T. D. Central Flea Market

Where you come for the cheap crap you pay for the rest of your life on antibiotics and safe sex. Perhaps I should pass this resale shop if I ever come across it.

Where you come for the cheap crap you pay for the rest of your life on antibiotics and safe sex. Perhaps I should pass this resale shop if I ever come across it.

63. Pee & Poo Food & Drink

Please let this be an Asian restaurant and not some reflection of the fare this business has to offer. Because that would be disgusting.

Please let this be an Asian restaurant and not some reflection of the fare this business has to offer. Because that would be disgusting beyond all reason.

64. Shemale Hair Salon

Let's just hope this salon's "body works" and "fast altercations" don't pertain to a quick sex reassignment surgery. Because I'm perfectly fine with being a woman, thank you.

Let’s just hope this salon’s “body works” and “fast altercations” don’t pertain to a quick sex reassignment surgery. Because I’m perfectly fine with being a woman, thank you.

65. Pussy Cleaners Dry Cleaning

Finally, the place where I can take my formalwear to be dry cleaned and have my private parts cleaned at the same time. Then again, I usually clean my nether regions myself in the shower, thank you very much.

Finally, the place where I can take my formal wear to be dry cleaned and have my private parts cleaned at the same time. Then again, I usually clean my nether regions myself in the shower, thank you very much.

66. Menlove Dental Practice

If you're a straight man, then going to this dentist might give the words "open wide" and "it's just a little prick" a whole disturbing new subtext.

If you’re a straight man, then going to this dentist might give the words “open wide” and “it’s just a little prick” a whole disturbing new subtext.

67. Camel Towing Removal Service

Whether it's clearing a tree down the road or relieving a woman from the embarrassment of showing her crotch in really tight pants, these are the guys for you.

Whether it’s clearing a tree down the road or relieving a woman from the embarrassment of showing her crotch in really tight pants, these are the guys for you.

68. Fuk Mi Sushi Bar & Seafood Buffet

Now this Japanese restaurant has everything such as sushi, seafood, and an escort service to boot. Still, what a terrible name.

Now this Japanese restaurant has everything such as sushi, seafood, and an escort service to boot. Still, what a terrible name.

69. Long Poo Gas Supplies

Whether it's methane, propane, or whatever's coming from your rear end, these people got it all. Nevertheless, proceed with caution since natural gas is flammable and doesn't solve global warming at all.

Whether it’s methane, propane, or whatever’s coming from your rear end, these people got it all. Nevertheless, proceed with caution since natural gas is flammable and does nothing to stop global warming.

70. Hammered Liquor Store

May not be the most appropriate business name, but it fits. Yes, liquor and alcohol will get you hammered if you drink enough of it.

May not be the most appropriate business name, but it fits. Yes, liquor and alcohol will get you hammered if you drink enough of it.

71. Scandinavian Sun Tanning Salon

Sure Scandinavian people have good tans, yet understand that some places in Scandinavia don't get sunshine during certain times of the year. So it's kind of a stretch.

Sure Scandinavian people have good tans, yet understand that some places in Scandinavia don’t get sunshine during certain times of the year. So it’s kind of a stretch.

72. Sherrill’s Eat Here and Get Gas Rest Stop

I know this is a rest stop, but the word "gas" has another meaning than just fuel for the car. Remind me not to order anything with beans at this place if you know what I mean.

I know this is a rest stop, but the word “gas” has another meaning than just fuel for the car. Remind me not to order anything with beans at this place if you know what I mean.

73. Brick Furniture Store

Let's just say, you wouldn't expect a anything from Brick Furniture to be very comfortable. In fact, quite the opposite.

Let’s just say, you wouldn’t expect a anything from Brick Furniture to be very comfortable. In fact, quite the opposite.

74. Tom Raper RVs

Now having your own name in the business is fine but not if your name is Raper. This is especially true when you sell RVs.

Now having your own name in the business is fine but not if your name is Raper. This is especially true when you sell RVs.

75. Killer for Hire Exterminators

This is an exterminator business, yet you wouldn't know it by the presentation, which suggests a completely different service. I'm sure this business will take care of those unwanted pests at and will make you an offer you can't refuse.

This is an exterminator business, yet you wouldn’t know it by the presentation, which suggests a completely different service. I’m sure this business will take care of those unwanted pests at and will make you an offer you can’t refuse.

The Wonderful World of Playgrounds

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

playground

In our day in age, playgrounds are seen as places for children to experience the great outdoors, exercise, and frolic in a set of equipment in an urbanized environment. Of course, what kid doesn’t like to go on a slide, monkey bars, seesaws, swings, or the merry go round. Sometimes there may be a carousel where kids can ride on the horses as carnival music plays in the background. Now I can go on and on how so many of these playgrounds have cutesy and kid friendly imagery that makes such an outdoor wonderland all kid friendly and fun for the whole family. But of course, you wouldn’t want to see that. Instead, I’ll show you pictures of playgrounds that might traumatize your kids in years to come or may be just plain inappropriate. And I’m not going to show pictures of abandoned playgrounds which may be unsafe and unsanitary either. They’re either playground pieces designed by people on drugs, wanting to show artistic expression, or have no artistic skills to pull off any child friendly imagery. So without further adieu, here are some playground pieces that might scare off the kiddies. Also, most of these are in Russia by the way and some of these images may not be safe for work.

1. Jump over the low hanging bars with the white rhino and pig.

I'm sure if these were real, they wouldn't be very friendly. In fact, they seem like they would more likely eat children than play with them.

I’m sure if these were real, they wouldn’t be very friendly. In fact, they seem like they would more likely eat children than play with them.

2. Oh, look, a peasant family seems to be trying to uproot a new turnip.

I'm not sure what's going on between the mom and the dad but whatever it is, I don't want to know.

I’m not sure what’s going on between the mom and the dad but whatever it is, I don’t want to know. Still, I don’t know whether that’s really a plant or not.

3. Go ahead, climb up that friendly snake or dinosaur.

No, I don't think I'd want kids climbing on top of that thing. After all, it seems hungry for children as I could tell from its blank eyes and smile.

No, I don’t think I’d want kids climbing on top of that thing. After all, it seems hungry for children as I could tell from its blank eyes and smile.

4. Hey, kids, here is the Mirror People.

Of course, I'm sure they're not dangerous. Yet, I can't really tell by their blank but reflective expressions. Still, they'd be very great for a horror movie.

Of course, I’m sure they’re not dangerous. Yet, I can’t really tell by their blank but reflective expressions. Still, they’d be very great for a horror movie and could be aliens with ambitions for world domination for all I care.

5. You can always have great fun while playing in somebody’s chest cavity.

Now I wonder where those yellow legs came from. Still, this is kind of fucked up if you know what I mean.

Now I wonder where those yellow feet came from. Still, this is kind of fucked up if you know what I mean.

6. Oh, look, here’s Poseidon just arrived out of the ocean.

Now I think I've just become afraid of Poseidon since his arrival with his Hippocampi seem like he's just arrived from Hell instead of the sea.

Now I think I’ve just become afraid of Poseidon since his arrival with his Hippocampi seem like he’s just arrived from Hell instead of the sea.

7. Of course, he’s just an old harmless elf from the Keebler Tree.

Of course, he only has a machine gun and thinks he's the psycho soldier you see in any Vietnam War themed epic. You don't want to go near him.

Of course, he only has a machine gun and thinks he’s the psycho soldier you see in any Vietnam War themed epic. You don’t want to go near him.

8. Climb up and slide down this giant man’s legs.

Now how many legs does this guy have? It doesn't seem to be just two. Also, he doesn't have a nice expression on his face.

Now how many legs does this guy have? It doesn’t seem to be just two. Also, he doesn’t have a nice expression on his face.

9. Just a pig minding his own business.

Of course, Crispy Bacon just needed to take a short whiz since he'd been holding it in all day. He didn't expect to be caught by police for the crime of public urination or indecent exposure.

Of course, Crispy Bacon just needed to take a short whiz since he’d been holding it in all day. He didn’t expect to be caught by police for the crime of public urination or indecent exposure.

10. C’mon, kids, why don’t you just roll this beam with Bearikins and his pal Satan.

Now to see the Prince of Darkness in a playground piece would make me want to question the designer's judgement. I mean why is Satan in a playground seriously?

Now to see the Prince of Darkness in a playground piece would make me want to question the designer’s judgement. I mean why is Satan in a playground seriously? He’s the Devil.

11. Hey, there’s Harry the Hedgehog with an apple.

Don't look at me, but I think that apple is poisoned. I mean Harry the Hedgehog doesn't seem like he's up to any good. Also wants your soul.

Don’t look at me, but I think that apple is poisoned. I mean Harry the Hedgehog doesn’t seem like he’s up to any good. Also wants your soul.

12. Now isn’t that nice? Here’s the Big Bad Wolf and Peter Cottontail playing Twister.

Now this scene could either have the wolf eating the rabbit or something you wouldn't want to see in a Disney movie. Either way, it ain't good and may take playing with your food to a whole new meaning.

Now this scene could either have the wolf eating the rabbit or something you wouldn’t want to see in a Disney movie. Either way, it ain’t good and may take playing with your food to a whole new meaning.

13. “Greetings, earthlings, we come in peace.”

Now what the hell are these? They are either aliens from another galaxy or possibly the children of the corn. Yet, judging from their red eyes, I'm not sure they're harmless.

Now what the hell are these? They are either aliens from another galaxy or possibly the children of the corn. Yet, judging from their red eyes, I’m not sure they’re harmless.

14. Oh, dear, the poor dog hurt his leg.

I'm sure Scruffy set the mailman straight once and for all. Of course, he didn't have time to clean up the blood all over his fur though.

I’m sure Scruffy set the mailman straight once and for all. Of course, he didn’t have time to clean up the blood all over his fur though.

15. It’s fun to play on top of these, uh whatever they are.

Looks like these animals seemed to be some post-acpocalyptic monsters that arisen from some nuclear fall out from what I can tell. I wonder if these two souls know the truth.

Looks like these animals seemed to be some post-apocalyptic monsters that arisen from some nuclear fall out from what I can tell. I wonder if these two souls know the truth.

16. Now this creature seems like he’s really enjoying himself.

Unfortunately this young woman and her companion in the picture were never seen again after this. They thought going in the monster's mouth would just be a nice photo op. They had no idea.

Unfortunately this young woman and her companion in the picture were never seen again after this. They thought going in the monster’s mouth would just be a nice photo op. They had no idea of what lay before them.

17. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Joker.

Of course, seeing the Joker at a playground is never a good thing. He might blow it up and send the kiddies to kingdom come unless Batman shows up first.

Of course, seeing the Joker at a playground is never a good thing. He might blow it up and send the kiddies to kingdom come unless Batman shows up first.

18. C’mon kiddies, we want to play with you. Don’t be scared.

I'm an adult and even I find these supposedly kiddie figures terrifying for some reason. I'm sure they intend to suck the souls out of the children which is why they don't come out to play.

I’m an adult and even I find these supposedly kiddie figures terrifying for some reason. I’m sure they intend to suck the souls out of the children which is why they don’t come out to play.

19. Come and enjoy accordion music with Crocky and his friends.

I'm sure Crocky won't harm anybody but I'm not sure if I could trust him beneath his Elton John glasses. Also, his gremlin friend is missing an arm and is not happy about it.

I’m sure Crocky won’t harm anybody but I’m not sure if I could trust him beneath his Elton John glasses. Also, his gremlin friend is missing an arm and is not happy about it. Now I’m not sure if I want to hear, “Crocodile Polka.”

20. Take a trip on this lovely amusement park ride with Cthulhu.

I'm sure Cthulhu is a perfectly decent figure who won't do any harm to your kids. Of course, I was being sarcastic because Cthulhu is one of the more dangerous mythological entities that would annihilate you.

I’m sure Cthulhu is a perfectly decent figure who won’t do any harm to your kids. Of course, I was being sarcastic because Cthulhu is one of the more dangerous mythological entities that would annihilate you.

21. Come up and play with the house monsters and have a great time.

Those house monsters seem empty and only appear to have playground equipment with them so they could lure in children to devour.

Those house monsters seem empty and only appear to have playground equipment with them so they could lure in children to devour.

22. Nurse wants you to take your medicine.

Of course, this nurse may make you want to not venture into a doctor's office. Also, despite the stuffed rabbit in her arms, she is simply terrifying.

Of course, this nurse may make you want to not venture into a doctor’s office. Also, despite the stuffed rabbit in her arms, she is simply terrifying.

23. The doctor will now administer your shot please.

Now why in the hell would anyone have a playground figure like this? I mean there are adults terrified of needles, let alone kids. Horrifying indeed.

Now why in the hell would anyone have a playground figure like this? I mean there are adults terrified of needles, let alone kids. Horrifying indeed.

24. C’mon, play under the giant green octopus.

Let's hope this giant green octopus doesn't come to life and eat any children passing under it. Of course, there's suspicion that he may be responsible for eating some missing children in these parts.

Let’s hope this giant green octopus doesn’t come to life and eat any children passing under it. Of course, there’s suspicion that he may be responsible for eating some missing children in these parts.

25. Climb up and slide down this giant fly.

Now take it from someone who knows. It's a verified fact that large monstrous insects are terrifying. And this giant playground fly slide is no exception.

Now take it from someone who knows. It’s a verified fact that large monstrous insects are terrifying. And this giant playground fly slide is no exception.

26. Come up and slide on the giant lizard.

Now a realistic giant lizard for a slide is just too realistic and creepy. Still, why?

Now a realistic giant lizard for a slide is just too realistic and creepy. Still, why do this if it’s not a playground associated with reptiles?

27. Have some fun playing in a giant spider web.

Now I don't care what anyone else says about this. However, giant spiders are creepy, especially if they make giant webs. And we all know what a spider web is for.

Now I don’t care what anyone else says about this. However, giant spiders are creepy, especially if they make giant webs. And we all know what a spider web is for.

28. Come and play at the playground with the giant bugs.

Now, kiddos, I bring you the playground of your nightmares. Or rather my nightmares. Seriously, what's with the giant bugs?

Now, kiddos, I bring you the playground of your nightmares. Or rather my nightmares. Seriously, what’s with the giant bugs?

29. Now have your kids relive the Lilliputian experience with the Gulliver’s Travels playground set.

Still, I wonder if the designer realized that Gulliver's Travels isn't for kids. Seriously, Jonathan Swift wrote for adults.

Still, I wonder if the designer realized that Gulliver’s Travels isn’t for kids. Seriously, Jonathan Swift wrote for adults and yet Gulliver’s travels on Lilliput seem to be continuously adapted in children’s media.

30. Aw, look at the cute little playground animals.

Now this is no playground I want to be in. Seriously, this looks like a "Carnival of Nightmares," especially with that 4 footed clown faced statue.

Now this is no playground I want to be in. Seriously, this looks like a “Carnival of Nightmares,” especially with that 4 footed clown faced statue. Just because it’s in bright colors doesn’t mean it’s not scary.

31. These little black monsters just want to play with you.

Seriously, these aren't cute. They're creepy as hell, especially at night. I mean they seem like they want to eat you alive or something.

Seriously, these aren’t cute. They’re creepy as hell, especially at night. I mean they seem like they want to eat you alive or something.

32. Now every playground has to have a nice dog since everyone loves them.

I guess the inspiration for this was the designer seeing a ferocious junk yard dog that you wouldn't want to go near. More like a junk yard dog you'd see from the Muppets.

I guess the inspiration for this was the designer seeing a ferocious junk yard dog that you wouldn’t want to go near. More like a junk yard dog you’d see from the Muppets.

33. Oh, look here’s a centaur.

Please let this be a creature that walks on all fours. However, I really don't want to know which end is used for what. Just don't ask me.

Please let this be a creature that walks on all fours. However, I really don’t want to know which end is used for what. Just don’t ask me.

34. Look, kiddies, see the bird now go play on it.

I think I just regret saying that because this piece just scares the living crap out of me. Also, I'm not sure if I'd call it a bird or not.

I think I just regret saying that because this piece just scares the living crap out of me. Also, I’m not sure if I’d call it a bird or not.

35. Now let’s just frolic with this serpent thing near a manhole.

Let's just say whoever's fixing the pipes from under there should better get out from a different manhole. I mean this beast is prepared to kill you.

Let’s just say whoever’s fixing the pipes from under there should better get out from a different manhole. I mean this beast is prepared to kill you.

36. Playing on a mouse trap is so fun.

Seriously, Russia, this is one of the most fucked up pieces of playground equipment I've ever seen. I mean why would anyone think that a dead mouse in a mousetrap is a good idea for a kids' playground piece. Giant rats are terrifying enough but seeing them dead in a giant mouse trap, well, that's sick.

Seriously, Russia, this is one of the most fucked up pieces of playground equipment I’ve ever seen. I mean why would anyone think that a dead mouse in a mousetrap is a good idea for a kids’ playground piece. Giant rats are terrifying enough but seeing them dead in a giant mouse trap, well, that’s sick.

37. Climb atop on the dragon with the three colored bottles attached to him.

Sure it's a dragon but I wonder if it has those bottles to lure in adults instead of kids. Then again, I don't know what they symbolize.

Sure it’s a dragon but I wonder if it has those bottles to lure in adults instead of kids. Then again, I don’t know what they symbolize.

38. Now come inside a giant guy’s head to keep yourselves warm.

Now this is just messed up. I really don't understand why a playground piece like this exists and probably never will.

Now this is just messed up. I really don’t understand why a playground piece like this exists and probably never will.

39. This little boy seems to enjoy riding the shroom monster.

Though it dwells in aquatic habitats, the shroom monster eats shrooms. Also, this sculpture was probably created by somebody on shrooms. Still, it does have a nightmarishly pleased look about it.

Though it dwells in aquatic habitats, the shroom monster eats shrooms. Also, this sculpture was probably created by somebody on shrooms. Still, it does have a nightmarishly pleased look about it.

40. Now here’s a nice lovely little fountain for a great aesthetic playground look.

Now I may understand that the figures may have lost their arms due to years of neglect. However, why the hell are they naked? Aren't playgrounds supposed to be for children for God's sake?

Now I may understand that the figures may have lost their arms due to years of neglect. However, why the hell are they naked? Aren’t playgrounds supposed to be for children for God’s sake?

41. The 3 headed green dragon really just wants to play.

Of course, I've never seen a 3 headed dragon this eager since Comic Con. I mean it certainly seems to take delight in devouring helpless nerds who want to pose with it for photo ops.

Of course, I’ve never seen a 3 headed dragon this eager since Comic Con. I mean it certainly seems to take delight in devouring helpless nerds who want to pose with it for photo ops.

42. Of course, what’s a playground without climbing rope?

Is it just me or do these playground ropes seem to be tied like hanging nooses at the ends? Of course, I hope this isn't in Russia and that kid doesn't seem to have to end it all. Because I know a convenient place he could do it.

Is it just me or do these playground ropes seem to be tied like hanging nooses at the ends? Of course, I hope this isn’t in Russia and that kid doesn’t seem to want to end it all. Because I know a convenient place he could do it.

43. Have a ball on the cow tongue slide.

Looks like this giant mutant 3 tongued mad cow was the result of a genetic experiment gone horribly wrong. That or perhaps it being an alien from outer space.

Looks like this giant mutant 3 tongued mad cow was the result of a genetic experiment gone horribly wrong. That or perhaps it being an alien from outer space.

44. Welcome to Satan’s fun house.

Now why would anyone think about using the Prince of Darkness as a mouth for a playground piece? Oh, I forget this is an Oni from Japan since it says Tokyo Times on the corner. Still, Oni and demons tend to look very similar.

Now why would anyone think about using the Prince of Darkness as a mouth for a playground piece? Oh, I forget this is an Oni from Japan since it says Tokyo Times on the corner.  My mistake. Still, Oni and demons tend to look very similar.

45. Oh, look at that cute little bear cub.

Okay, now real bear cubs don't look like they're something straight off from a science fiction TV show. This one does. Still, the fact that this cub lacks a nose makes it all the more disturbing.

Okay, now real bear cubs don’t look like they’re something straight off from a science fiction TV show. This one does. Still, the fact that this cub lacks a nose makes it all the more disturbing.

46. Hey, at least this elephant sculpture in Russia isn’t so scary.

Wait a minute, this one has kids climb into the elephant and slide out of its rear end. Oh, that's just gross. Seriously, why?

Wait a minute, this one has kids climb into the elephant and slide out of its rear end. Oh, that’s just gross. Seriously, why?

47. Now this is nice. A bunch of rainbow colored kids with hoops. Wonder what can go wrong there.

Is it just me or do these kids look like they're peeing and those hoops are waves of their piss over the tracks? This is disgusting. I mean why does this structure exist in the first place?

Is it just me or do these kids look like they’re peeing and those hoops are waves of their piss over the tracks? This is disgusting. I mean why does this structure exist in the first place?

48. Now here’s one with some girl about to get devoured by a giant wicked witch.

I know King Kong isn't exactly for kids. Yet, I think if a giant gorilla was in the place of the scary witch, I think it would be less likely to give children nightmares. Just sayin.'

I know King Kong isn’t exactly for kids. Yet, I think if a giant gorilla was in the place of the scary witch, I think it would be less likely to give children nightmares. Just sayin.’

49. Oh, cute, a veterinarian trying to see if the wild animals are healthy. What can possibly go wrong with that?

Then again, it could be just Walter White administering his special blue meth to the woodland creatures. I mean there's always a way to expand his drug operation isn't it?

Then again, it could be just Walter White administering his special blue meth to the woodland creatures. I mean there’s always a way to expand his drug operation isn’t there?

50. Now look at this nice little equipment piece.

This reminds me of a horror movie known as The Human Centipede except that it didn't walk around in circles. Still, for a playground equipment, this is fucked up.

This reminds me of a horror movie known as The Human Centipede except that it didn’t walk around in circles. Still, for a playground equipment, this is fucked up.

51. Now finally, a playground piece on “Little Red Riding Hood.”

Now this is just disturbing. Looks like the wolf is about to eat Little Red and he's not even in Grandma's nightie yet. Now that's doomed to traumatized kids for years.

Now this is just disturbing. Looks like the wolf is about to eat Little Red and he’s not even in Grandma’s nightie yet. Now that’s doomed to traumatized kids for years.

52. Okay, so there’s a statue of a bunch of kids playing. Now what can possibly go wrong with that?

Now this is just so inappropriate on many levels. Seriously, what the fuck? Also what's that in the back kid's butt? Okay, I don't want to know.

Now this is just so inappropriate on many levels. Seriously, what the fuck? Also what’s that in the back kid’s butt? Okay, I don’t want to know.

53. You don’t want to cross this 3 headed dragon.

Now despite the graffiti and years of neglect, this statue is just as terrifying as ever. Seriously, it looks hungry for children.

Now despite the graffiti and years of neglect, this statue is just as terrifying as ever. Seriously, it looks hungry for children.

54. Now join Hammy the pig and ride this magical carousel.

Ewww, seems that Hammy has man boobs or something. That's just not right on so many levels. Perhaps he should just cover up before the butcher comes.

Ewww, seems that Hammy has man boobs or something. That’s just not right on so many levels. Perhaps he should just cover up before the butcher comes.

55. So while you’re at the park, kiddos, don’t forget to slide down the cheese grater.

This boy seems utterly scared for dear life landing on the cheese grating slide. Perhaps he didn't see where he'd land before going down the slide.

This boy seems utterly scared for dear life landing on the cheese grating slide. Perhaps he didn’t see where he’d land before going down the slide.

56. Climb up and go down the slide through somebody’s giant disembodied head.

Now this is messed up. Let's just say modern sculpture and playground equipment don't mix okay? Also, kind of creepy to slide through somebody's ear to their neck.

Now this is messed up. Let’s just say modern sculpture and playground equipment don’t mix okay? Also, kind of creepy to slide through somebody’s ear to their neck.

57. Come up and play on this giant robot.

Of course, it's very angry and keeps telling itself to, "Kill the humans!" but being partway stuck in green astroturf makes it impossible.

Of course, it’s very angry and keeps telling itself to, “Kill the humans!” but being partway stuck in green astroturf makes it impossible.

58. Now let’s sit beside this nice old lady.

Okay, she seems like she seems less inclined in giving out sugar cookies and more likely to put you in the oven. Trust me, her eyes reveal the depths of her evil soul.

Okay, she seems like she seems less inclined in giving out sugar cookies and more likely to put you in the oven. Trust me, her eyes reveal the depths of her evil soul.

59. Now, kids, you can slide down a ferocious gorilla.

Now why did they put a slide at King Kong's right boob for God's sake? This is crazy. Then again between his legs would've been worse.

Now why did they put a slide at King Kong’s right boob for God’s sake? This is crazy. Then again between his legs would’ve been worse.

60. Now here’s a statue of a nice little creature we may not know about.

My mistake. Actually this little creature seems quite terrifying to say the least. I mean it doesn't seem to be quite happy.

My mistake. Actually this little creature seems quite terrifying to say the least. I mean it doesn’t seem to be quite happy as well as has a certain blood lust for vengeance.

61. Now that’s nice a cute little sheep playground piece. What can go wrong with that?

Wait a minute, that's not a sheep. It's a mutant creature with a sheep's head from Soviet genetic engineering. Now that's one of the scariest things I've ever seen.

Wait a minute, that’s not a sheep. It’s a mutant creature with a sheep’s head from Soviet genetic engineering. Now that’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen.

62. Now these two seem to have a very good time.

Oh, God, please don't tell me what I think the deer and the crocodile are doing. Either this will end in a bloodbath or something more depraved and ghastly I can't post on this blog.

Oh, God, please don’t tell me what I think the deer and the crocodile are doing. Either this will end in a bloodbath or something more depraved and ghastly I can’t post on this blog.

63. Come to the pool to swim with the wolf and the rabbit.

Now the wolf seems rather friendly. The rabbit on the other hand, not so much. In fact, from the look on his face, he seems to secretly hope that you drown.

Now the wolf seems rather friendly. The rabbit on the other hand, not so much. In fact, from the look on his face, he seems to secretly hope that you drown.

64. Now climb aboard this funky bird or psychedelic cuckoo.

Now this playground piece was perhaps created by someone on acid or too much vodka. Either that, or it's a bird that's simply out of its world. Still, very freaky and unlike anything that I ever saw to say the least.

Now this playground piece was perhaps created by someone on acid or too much vodka. Either that, or it’s a bird that’s simply out of its world. Still, very freaky and unlike anything that I ever saw to say the least.

65. Hey, kids, climb upon the giant crocodile.

For one, that croc seems very scary and perhaps too realistic to be kid friendly in any way. Second, are those knives coming out of it? Third, I don't think this is a safe piece for children to climb on to say the least.

For one, that croc seems very scary and perhaps too realistic to be kid friendly in any way. Second, are those knives coming out of it? Third, I don’t think this is a safe piece for children to climb on to say the least.

66. Now here is a nice girl statue in the park.

Well, now I know which playground the girl from The Exorcist hangs out at. Remind me to stay away from that place.

Well, now I know which playground the girl from The Exorcist hangs out at. Remind me to stay away from that place.

67. Aw, look at that little girl sitting with Cthulhu?

I'm sure this is nothing like having your kid sit on Santa Claus' lap. Rather this is much more disturbing since Cthulhu is pure evil. Hey, why is Cthulhu in a playground anyway?

I’m sure this is nothing like having your kid sit on Santa Claus’ lap. Rather this is much more disturbing since Cthulhu is pure evil. Hey, why is Cthulhu in a playground anyway?

68. Let’s play on this large yellow, whatever it is?

The fact this creature is eyeless with a toothy smile makes me not want to go near it. I mean, it's the stuff of nightmares.

The fact this creature is eyeless with a toothy smile makes me not want to go near it. I mean, it’s the stuff of nightmares.

69. Aw, look at that cute little sheep.

This piece of mutton may look harmless. Yet, look into its eyes and it seems to have a sinister disposition.

This piece of mutton may look harmless. Yet, look into its eyes and it seems to have a sinister disposition. I would worry about that coming to life.

70. Climb aboard and play on this large, block monster.

Now this guy reminds me of the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. Well, the Tin Man if he didn't have a heart and didn't want one.

Now this guy reminds me of the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. Well, the Tin Man if he didn’t have a heart and didn’t want one.

71. Now let’s run through the tall guy in green’s legs.

I'm sure the tall guy reminds me of the giant from "Jack in the Beanstalk" if he was a really natty dresser. Still, he may lust for the blood of an Englishman, or a Russian in that matter. Of course, he'll take what he can get.

I’m sure the tall guy reminds me of the giant from “Jack in the Beanstalk” if he was a really natty dresser. Still, he may lust for the blood of an Englishman, or a Russian in that matter. Of course, he’ll take what he can get.

72. Hey, look at that nice friendly robot.

This is actually one of the few American playground pieces on this list. Still, it doesn't seem to look very friendly or has some sneaky side. Also, its walls remind me of a prison.

This is actually one of the few American playground pieces on this list. Still, it doesn’t seem to look very friendly or has some sneaky side. Also, its walls remind me of a prison.

73. Now let’s play on this old Soviet tank. It’s fun.

Now there are some pieces that should never be recycled into playground equipment. Tanks are one of these. Still, why Russia, why?

Now there are some pieces that should never be recycled into playground equipment. Tanks are one of these. Still, why Russia, why?

74. Now there’s Count Orlok sucking his fingers.

Yes, that certainly reminds me of the vampire I've seen from the 1922 horror classic Nosferatu. At least he didn't sparkle in the sunlight unlike another vampire we're familiar with.

Yes, that certainly reminds me of the vampire I’ve seen from the 1922 horror classic Nosferatu. At least he didn’t sparkle in the sunlight unlike another vampire we’re familiar with.

75. Oh, look it’s the 3 little pigs.

Or at least the soulless recreations of them. Still, I don't mind if the Big Bad Wolf eats them for I'd fear they'd eat me.

Or at least the soulless recreations of them. Still, I don’t mind if the Big Bad Wolf eats them for I’d fear they’d eat me.

The Wonderful World of Halloween Pumpkin Carving

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

Jack-o-lantern

Carving pumpkins has always been a Halloween traditions since the legend of the Jack-o’-lantern. People tend to open a pumpkin, empty out all the seeds and entrails, carve a face, and put a light in it to for the outside. Of course, there are people who engage themselves in this Halloween tradition and some who don’t. Still, many people do carve some amazing pumpkins for this Halloween season. I can go on with how amazing some of these carvings are but you probably don’t want to hear that. Instead I’ll do a post on pumpkin carvings that are either not family friendly and/or doomed to offend your neighbors or drive trick or treaters away. Nevertheless, Halloween is one of those holidays where you could get away with being tacky or creepy so this was a hard post and some images may be not safe for work. Viewer discretion is advised. So without further adieu and your viewing pleasure, here’s an assortment of Halloween pumpkins you don’t want to see on your block.

1. Guess, pumpkins need a way to cope when nature calls.

I'm sure a display saying "2 Pumpkins, 1 Cup" won't go well with guests. Also, it's pretty disgusting on what's implied to be in the cup.

I’m sure a display saying “2 Pumpkins, 1 Cup” won’t go well with guests. Also, it’s pretty disgusting on what’s implied to be in the cup. This just takes bathroom humor a little too far.

2. Now this jack-o’-lantern seems to be too jackshit crazy over burning his own kind.

Okay, that's a little too disturbing and very unsafe. I mean this pumpkin is just vile taking over the grill burning his smaller counterparts. Sheesh.

Okay, that’s a little too disturbing and very unsafe. I mean this pumpkin is just vile taking over the grill burning his smaller counterparts. Sheesh.

3. Now I’m sure the kiddies will appreciate this reenactment of the Death Star blowing up Alderaan.

Now this isn't a safe pumpkin and a rather traumatizing one to Star Wars fans. Hope this isn't where kids could walk through.

Now this isn’t a safe pumpkin and a rather traumatizing one to Star Wars fans. Hope this isn’t where kids could walk through.

4. Pumpkin in a plastic bag, what can go wrong here?

Is it just me or does it just seem like a depiction of a jack-o'-lantern drowning or suffocating? Either way it's pretty bad since people have been killed through plastic bags.

Is it just me or does it just seem like a depiction of a jack-o’-lantern drowning or suffocating? Either way it’s pretty bad since people have been killed through plastic bags.

5. Looks like someone is taking pleasure in his meal.

Of course, having his orange friend feasting on his innards won't go so well for the white pumpkin. Still, this is just sick and very disturbingly cannibalistic.

Of course, having his orange friend feasting on his innards won’t go so well for the white pumpkin. Still, this is just sick and very disturbingly cannibalistic.

6. Behold, the jack-o’-centipede.

For those who've seen the terrible Human Centipede movies, I'm sure you'd probably not want your kids to visit a house with a pumpkin carving designed to imitate this. Seriously, it's disturbing.

For those who’ve seen the terrible Human Centipede movies, I’m sure you’d probably not want your kids to visit a house with a pumpkin carving designed to imitate this. Seriously, it’s disturbing.

7. Of course, some pumpkins still need to do the time.

But having them spend prison in a pumpkin shell, well, I can't even think about it. Of course, this is one of the least inappropriate of the bunch.

But having them spend prison in a pumpkin shell, well, I can’t even think about it. Of course, this is one of the least inappropriate of the bunch.

8. I’m sure Jack must’ve done something terribly wrong to get the chair.

Seriously, the death penalty isn't really a subject you should mock, especially since the electric chair is still used for execution in a few states as well as seen as cruel and unusual punishment.

Seriously, the death penalty isn’t really a subject you should mock, especially since the electric chair is still used for execution in a few states as well as seen as cruel and unusual punishment.

9. Now here’s a good idea on what to do when you have an old aquarium you haven’t used since your pet turtle died.

However, just don't create the impression of your carved pumpkins drowning. I mean drowning isn't something people should joke about, even on Halloween. This is especially true for those who live near the coast or work at a pool.

However, just don’t create the impression of your carved pumpkins drowning. I mean drowning isn’t something people should joke about, even on Halloween. This is especially true for those who live near the coast or work at a pool.

10. Behold, a Halloween pumpkin tribute to the Alien movies.

Actually, I'm 24 years old and this display just makes me puke. Still, this is just far too graphic for any Halloween display.

Actually, I’m 24 years old and this display just makes me puke. Still, this is just far too graphic for any Halloween display. Guaranteed to traumatize the kiddies for sure.

11. Congratulations, it’s quintuplets. and a bunch of red pumpkins.

Let's just say, displays that show the delivery room and nature's bounty in a cornucopia don't go together.

Let’s just say, displays that show the delivery room and nature’s bounty in a cornucopia don’t go together. Nice to make those gourds look like boobs though.

12. I didn’t say “Let’s play doctor.” I said, “Let’s play Medieval doctor.”

Now this is just graphic and sick. I understand gory Halloween displays, but this just frightens trick or treaters.

Now this is just graphic and sick. I understand gory Halloween displays, but this just frightens trick or treaters. Besides, that pumpkin with a saw needs to be put to jail.

13. Oh, no, it’s the claw.

This display makes me more terrified of vending machines than I ever had since watching Toy Story. Also, I don't think the big pumpkin's intentions are good.

This display makes me more terrified of vending machines than I ever had since watching Toy Story. Also, I don’t think the big pumpkin’s intentions are good.

14. Hmmm…pumpkin brain surgery, now I’ve seen everything.

Sure it may look clever but that brain gourd seems too close to the real thing. Also, it might scare the kids.

Sure it may look clever but that brain gourd seems too close to the real thing. Also, it might scare the kids.

15. Use your pumpkin to store your beer for this year’s Oktoberfest by attaching a tap on it.

Warning: must try to store it in a safe place when Halloween comes around. Also, don't attempt this if your friends suspect you of alcoholism.

Warning: must try to store it in a safe place when Halloween comes around. Also, don’t attempt this if your friends suspect you of alcoholism.

16. Oh, look a man and a oh, my God!

What the fuck? Seriously, bestiality is animal abuse! Why does anyone think this is funny? Seriously, such display basically offends everyone and won't attract trick or treaters.

What the fuck? Seriously, bestiality is animal abuse! Why does anyone think this is funny? Seriously, such display basically offends everyone and won’t attract trick or treaters. WTF is right. Not cool.

17. Oh, look a princess pumpkin carving. Wait a minute, this is a reenactment of Carrie!

Now perhaps we shouldn't carve pumpkins to pay tribute to Stephen King novels. Still, at least it's not a tribute to the Shawshank Redemption or the Green Mile.

Now perhaps we shouldn’t carve pumpkins to pay tribute to Stephen King novels. Still, at least it’s not a tribute to the Shawshank Redemption or the Green Mile.

18, Looks like this pumpkin seems to take advice from the Tim Taylor School of Technology.

I don't think making a pumpkin depicting a garage mishap may not be very funny as it is on Home Improvement. Sad to say. Still, when you want to do a hammer head pumpkin, stick wit the shark.

I don’t think making a pumpkin depicting a garage mishap may not be very funny as it is on Home Improvement. Sad to say. Still, when you want to do a hammer head pumpkin, stick with the shark.

19. Now this pumpkin macdaddy sure is stylin’ with his foil grill and sunglasses.

Now this is just in really poor taste. Seriously, pimps are never good idea for Halloween costumes or pumpkins, especially if you have black people in your neighborhood.

Now this is just in really poor taste. Seriously, pimps are never good idea for Halloween costumes or pumpkins, especially if you have black people in your neighborhood.

20. Now this will be a perfect pumpkin for my sex dungeon.

Now this is just very inappropriate to children and perhaps offensive to those in the BDSM community. Then again, children may not know anything about BDSM as far as I know.

Now this is just very inappropriate to children and perhaps offensive to those in the BDSM community. Then again, children may not know anything about BDSM as far as I know.

21. Oh, no, the jack-o’-lantern just blew his brains out!

Now this is just simply inappropriate and certain to offend neighbors. Using a gun in a Halloween display is never okay. Seriously, gun violence is nothing to joke about at all.

Now this is just simply inappropriate and certain to offend neighbors. Using a gun in a Halloween display is never okay. Seriously, gun violence is nothing to joke about at all, especially suicide.

22. Looks like this pumpkin baby needs a diaper change.

I'm sure all parents have memories of this. Still, this is downright sick if you know what I mean. Besides, there are just some subjects that shouldn't be used in decoration.

I’m sure all parents have memories of this. Still, this is downright sick if you know what I mean. Besides, there are just some subjects that shouldn’t be used in decoration.

23. Now here’s a flasher pumpkin with a gourd genitalia.

Now this is a very inappropriate pumpkin carving, indeed. Seriously flashing is considered indecent exposure and sometimes street harassment that will get you arrested. Seriously, why?

Now this is a very inappropriate pumpkin carving, indeed. Seriously flashing is considered indecent exposure and sometimes street harassment that will get you arrested. Seriously, why?

24. Okay, keep your hands off your pumpkin butt.

Now this is just a really inappropriate design to display in your front yard. Not to mention, your neighbors might think it contains sexual connotations or feel very insulted.

Now this is just a really inappropriate design to display in your front yard. Not to mention, your neighbors might think it contains sexual connotations or feel very insulted.

25. Now there’s nothing like a hanging in a cemetery scene.

Wait a minute, we should remember, people in the South used to lynch black people by hanging them on a tree during segregation. Also, people kill themselves this way. This explains why hangings are never a good idea in a Halloween decoration.

Wait a minute, we should remember, people in the South used to lynch black people by hanging them on a tree during segregation. Also, people kill themselves this way. This explains why hangings are never a good idea in a Halloween decoration.

26. Now here’s a pumpkin design taken straight from a truck’s sleazy mudflaps.

A naked mudflap lady on your decoration basically says, "Hi, I'm a single man and I'm a male chauvinist pig." I know it may not apply to all men who have a thing for the mudflaps with the naked ladies, but it's pretty much the stereotype.

A naked mudflap lady on your decoration basically says, “Hi, I’m a single man and I’m a male chauvinist pig.” I know it may not apply to all men who have a thing for the mudflaps with the naked ladies, but it’s pretty much the stereotype.

27. Now here’s a pumpkin of how babies are made.

Now I've seen a lot of these pumpkin carvings with sex imagery. This one is about as tame as you can get. Still, I'm sure such pumpkin imagery is sure to offend parents.

Now I’ve seen a lot of these pumpkin carvings with sex imagery. This one is about as tame as you can get. Still, I’m sure such pumpkin imagery is sure to offend parents.

28. Of course, there will certainly be a full moon tonight.

I've seen a lot of pumpkins featuring naked backsides as well. The lady ones usually pertain to a witch. This one was about the least offensive but still inappropriate.

I’ve seen a lot of pumpkins featuring naked backsides as well. The lady ones usually pertain to a witch. This one was about the least offensive but still inappropriate.

29. Ladies and gentlemen, the crack-ho’-lantern.

Now this is just plain offensive and racist even if the hair isn't exactly black. Yet, we know how crack hos tend to be stereotyped. Seriously, why?

Now this is just plain offensive and racist even if the hair isn’t exactly black. Yet, we know how crack hos tend to be stereotyped. Seriously, why?

30. Now here’s a pumpkin on how babies are made.

Now this is just in poor taste. This is a more appropriate Halloween display for sex ed or a doctor's office than anything else.

Now this is just in poor taste. This is a more appropriate Halloween display for sex ed or a doctor’s office than anything else.

31. Nothing indicates a stoner residence like a carved pumpkin of a marijuana leaf.

Now I'm sure police wouldn't want to search your house if they saw that pumpkin carving would they? Of course, that only goes for people who live outside of Colorado and Washington.

Now I’m sure police wouldn’t want to search your house if they saw that pumpkin carving would they? Of course, that only goes for people who live outside of Colorado and the state of Washington. Still, Willie Nelson would be proud.

32. Great, now these pumpkins are devouring people!

Now this is pretty sick if you really think about it. Still, this pumpkin display is guaranteed to give young trick or treaters nightmares.

Now this is pretty sick if you really think about it. Still, this pumpkin display is guaranteed to give young trick or treaters nightmares.

33. Well, maybe the pumpkin ate your baby.

Now having a carved pumpkin gnaw at some human leg is one thing. Yet, one devouring a little kid, now that's just too disturbing to put in one's yard.

Now having a carved pumpkin gnaw at some human leg is one thing. Yet, one devouring a little kid, now that’s just too disturbing to put in one’s yard.

34. Behold, the Hannibal-Lect-o’-lantern.

Now I'm sure using Silence of the Lambs isn't an appropriate subject for pumpkin carvings. This is especially true when its a carving of a guy who said, "I ate his liver with a fine chianti and some fava beans." Then again, Buffalo Bill would be a worse choice.

Now I’m sure using Silence of the Lambs isn’t an appropriate subject for pumpkin carvings. This is especially true when its a carving of a guy who said, “I ate his liver with a fine chianti and some fava beans.” Then again, Buffalo Bill would be a worse choice.

35. The Jack-o’-Lantern goes to the doctors.

Of course, this decoration should only be appropriate for medical offices that don't take any children. Also, I'm not sure if the gown is put on the right way.

Of course, this decoration should only be appropriate for medical offices that don’t take any children. Also, I’m not sure if the gown is put on the right way.

36. Use your pumpkin to store your nice cold beer for football season.

Now I'm sure this isn't the kind of pumpkin carving suited for families. Might want to store this away from trick or treaters.

Now I’m sure this isn’t the kind of pumpkin carving suited for families. Might want to store this away from trick or treaters.

37. Oh, no, some pumpkin is wearing a thong!

Now this is just not an appropriate decoration that will offend parents traveling with their kids during trick or treating. Seriously, why?

Now this is just not an appropriate decoration that will offend parents traveling with their kids during trick or treating. Seriously, why?

38. Yikes! someone has pulled a grenade!

Now I'm sure a pumpkin grenade isn't dangerous but it may trigger some painful memories among the war veterans in your life. Also, I'm sure that pumpkin on the left is scared shitless.

Now I’m sure a pumpkin grenade isn’t dangerous but it may trigger some painful memories among the war veterans in your life. Also, I’m sure that pumpkin on the left is scared shitless.

39. Pedobear says there’s free candy.

Now I know that Pedobear is actually used to mock pedophiles as well as child sexualization like kiddie pageants and not as a mascot for pedophilia. However, this doesn't stop people from being offended by him. Also, it might repel more trick or treaters than attract especially if they're with their parents.

Now I know that Pedobear is actually used to mock pedophiles and not as a mascot for pedophilia. Whenever, he’s on a picture it means, “you’re being creepy about a kid” and has been used to track down real pedophiles by authorities and Chris Hansen. However, this doesn’t stop people from being offended by him. Also, it might repel more trick or treaters than attract especially if they’re with their parents.

40. Come to this house and see nude girls now.

Now this gives "trick or treat" an inappropriate new meaning. Still, I hope this pumpkin display is at an actual strip joint and not some private residence. Seriously, why?

Now this gives “trick or treat” an inappropriate new meaning. Still, I hope this pumpkin display is at an actual strip joint and not some private residence. No one in their right mind would want this on their doorstep. Seriously, why?

41. Here the pumpkin chef reads a recipe while relieving himself.

If this is how the filling in pumpkin pie is made, then I'm going to barf. Seriously, this is really disgusting.

If this is how the filling in pumpkin pie is made, then I’m going to barf. Seriously, this is really disgusting.

42. For those in the family way, why not break the news with a pumpkin display like this?

This pumpkin reminds me of those stomach cakes I saw when researching baby shower cakes. Let's just say this is less heartwarming than just poor taste. Sorry, expectant parents.

This pumpkin reminds me of those stomach cakes I saw when researching baby shower cakes. Let’s just say this is less heartwarming than just poor taste. Sorry, expectant parents.

43. For those welcoming their bundle of joy on this Halloween, here’s a little pumpkin to  commemorate the occasion.

I've seen a lot of pumpkin birth scenes on the internet. And let me say, it's hard to believe unless you've seen them. Still, not an appropriate Halloween subject no matter how scary birth may be.

I’ve seen a lot of pumpkin birth scenes on the internet. And let me say, it’s hard to believe unless you’ve seen them. Still, not an appropriate Halloween subject no matter how scary birth may be.

44. When you get Ablolut Vodka, you get absolutely buzzed.

Can't believe that this won second place at a pumpkin carving contest. Too bad it's bound to offend the neighbors, especially with the little pumpkin puking.

Can’t believe that this won second place at a pumpkin carving contest. Too bad it’s bound to offend the neighbors, especially with the little pumpkin puking.

45. Never put  a jack-o’-lantern in your yard for you’d never know when they’ll attack.

This is just too graphic for children trick or treaters. Let's just say, one look at this and a child may be too traumatized to either carve pumpkins or do any landscaping.

This is just too graphic for children trick or treaters. Let’s just say, one look at this and a child may be too traumatized to either carve pumpkins or do any landscaping.

46. And now, kids, this is how pumpkin pie is made.

So this is basically a way you can get a kid not to eat pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving again since they'll think it's pumpkin shit.

So this is basically a way you can get a kid not to eat pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving again since they’ll think it’s pumpkin shit.

47. Sometimes pumpkins need to pay for college somehow.

A stripper pumpkin with a thong full of money, now I've seen everything. Still, this pumpkin display would make kids ask their parents, "Why does this pumpkin have its underwear with money?" I don't think they want to answer that.

A stripper pumpkin with a thong full of money, now I’ve seen everything. Still, this pumpkin display would make kids ask their parents, “Why does this pumpkin have its underwear with money?” I don’t think they want to answer that.

48. Guess this pumpkin couldn’t stand this cruel world any longer.

Okay, now this is just plain wrong. Seriously, suicide is nothing to laugh about, especially via shotgun. Also, very graphic with the pumpkin stuff on the wall.

Okay, now this is just plain wrong. Seriously, suicide is nothing to laugh about, especially via shotgun. Also, very graphic with the pumpkin stuff on the wall.

49. Have the time of your reich, I mean life with this pumpkin tribute of Dirty Dancing.

What it's supposed to be: A scene from Dirty Dancing featuring Patrick Swayze. What it looks like: Someone doing a Nazi salute. Moral: some scenes in pumpkins may look really different than what the carver intended.

What it’s supposed to be: A scene from Dirty Dancing featuring Patrick Swayze. What it looks like: Someone doing a Nazi salute. Moral: some scenes in pumpkins may look really different than what the carver intended.

50. Looks like this pumpkin had a bit too much to drink.

Now humor relating to drunk people puking may be funny for an adult audience. Yet, it's not appropriate Halloween humor for most trick or treaters. Also, very messy.

Now humor relating to drunk people puking may be funny for an adult audience. Yet, it’s not appropriate Halloween humor for most trick or treaters. Also, very messy.

Never Judge a Book By Its Cover- Well, Most of the Time (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

Since my post on bad book covers has now become the most popular post, I have now decided to do another post. Now if you thought the last ones were funny, you’ll like these as well. While it’s important not to judge a book from its cover before reading it, sometimes its hard to do so when the cover is so bad that it inspires a lot of shits and giggles. Some of them may have bad pictures that might have absolutely nothing to do with what the book is about. Some may have images and titles bearing inappropriate or disgusting connotations. Other books may be rather telling whether the material is good or not, especially when the title and book’s image give you some idea on what the book is about. I mean if a book has a cover about Amish people in space, you’d probably want to stay away from it, right? So for all you guys who enjoyed my last post on bad book covers, here is a list of even more unintentionally funny and disturbing covers for all you to enjoy. Still, some of these may not be safe for work.

1. The Hungry Ones by Craig Douglas

Seriously, the positioning might suggest it's a romance novel. Yet, the fact, that the leading man is a scary looking clown with his hand on the girl's shoulder hints that he may be some sort of psycho killer to me.

Seriously, the positioning might suggest it’s a romance novel. Yet, the fact, that the leading man is a scary looking clown with his hand on the girl’s shoulder hints that he may be some sort of psycho killer to me.

For some reason I can’t decide whether this is a romance novel or one about a very disturbed clown.

2. Jizzle by John Wyndham

I don't know about you, but when I hear the word "jizzle," I don't think about mythological monsters about to go at it. Did I just say that? Shit.

I don’t know about you, but when I hear the word “jizzle,” I don’t think about mythological monsters about to go at it or fight to the death. Hope it’s just fight to the death.

Now this may be a collection of sci-fi/fantasy stories but the title is a sexual slang term.

3. People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead by Gary Leon Hill

Seriously, how can somebody deny that they're dead? Also, its entry on Amazon.com is kind of disturbing to read along the lines, "When people die by accident, in violence, or maybe they're drunk, stoned, or angry, they get freeze-framed. Even if they die naturally but have no clue what to expect, they might not notice they're dead. It's frustrating to see and not be seen. It's frustrating to not know what you're supposed to do next. It's especially frustrating to be in someone else's body and think it's your own. That's if you're dead. If you're alive and that spirit has attached itself to you, well that's a whole other set of frustrations." Also, the photo is kind of creepy.

Seriously, how can somebody deny that they’re dead? Also, its entry on Amazon.com is kind of disturbing to read along the lines, “When people die by accident, in violence, or maybe they’re drunk, stoned, or angry, they get freeze-framed. Even if they die naturally but have no clue what to expect, they might not notice they’re dead. It’s frustrating to see and not be seen. It’s frustrating to not know what you’re supposed to do next. It’s especially frustrating to be in someone else’s body and think it’s your own. That’s if you’re dead. If you’re alive and that spirit has attached itself to you, well that’s a whole other set of frustrations.” Basically this is All of Me turned into a horror movie premise. Also, the photo is kind of creepy.

Of course, despite the title, it’s actually based on a true story about people possessing other individuals’ bodies as far as the author’s concerned. But still, I would suggest it’s paranormal fiction because we can’t really communicate with the dead.

4. Exo-Vaticana: Petrus Romanus, PROJECT LUCIFER, and the Vatican’s astonishing exo-theological plan for the arrival of an alien savior by Chris Putnam and Thomas Horn

Of course, I read a summary of what its about on Amazon.com, this is about the Catholic Church's involvement with extraterrestrial conspiracy theories. Also, let's just say that this books provides as much accurate information about the Catholic Church as Dan Brown or the Left Behind series: None at all. Also, the ridiculous cover design with a UFO hovering over Saint Peter's Basilica kind of gives the divine revelation that this book is full of shit.

Of course, I read a summary of what its about on Amazon.com, this is about the Catholic Church’s involvement with extraterrestrial conspiracy theories. Also, let’s just say that this books provides as much accurate information about the Catholic Church as Dan Brown or the Left Behind series: None at all. Also, the ridiculous cover design with a UFO hovering over Saint Peter’s Basilica kind of gives the divine revelation that this book is full of shit.

Basically this is a cross of Dan Brown with The Left Behind series.

5. Blazing Embers by Angela Ashley

I don't know about you, but I certainly hope this isn't a romance novel because it doesn't remind me of burning embers as far as I'm concerned. Rather, I kind of feel a bit creeped out by such images of hairy middl aged men bathing with younger naked women. That's just sick.

I don’t know about you, but I certainly hope this isn’t a romance novel because it doesn’t remind me of burning embers as far as I’m concerned. Rather, I kind of feel a bit creeped out by such images of hairy middle aged men bathing with younger naked women. That’s just sick.

I’m not sure that any woman would love to take a bath with a hair man that resembles Larry David.

6. Amish Vampires in Space by Kerry Nietz

Seriously, how could anyone write a good story about a group of people who rejected advanced technology beyond the 17th century and have them in space? I absolutely don't get it. And making them vampires, good Lord.

Seriously, how could anyone write a good story about a group of people who rejected advanced technology beyond the 17th century and have them in space? I absolutely don’t get it. And making them vampires, good Lord.

Now this is the most fucked up cover presentation I’ve ever seen. Of course, Amish vampires are one thing, but having them in space, well, that’s just crazy.

7. Christianity Lite: Stop Drinking a Watered-Down Gospel by Glen Berteau

Seriously, what's with the beer bottle on the cover? It's a Christian book and yet it has a picture of something that sometimes leads to date rape and sin if you drink excessive amounts.

Seriously, what’s with the beer bottle on the cover? It’s a Christian book and yet it has a picture of something that sometimes leads to date rape and sin if you drink excessive amounts. Also, the beer bottle presented as if it’s from a beer commercial.

Now I get the idea of a watered down Gospel but why do you have to compare it to beer?

8. Why Cat’s Paint: A theory of feline aesthetics by Heather Busch and Burton Silver

Wow, I didn't believe cats could paint on walls for artistic expression. Oh, yeah, I forgot they don't. The cat is probably just playing with the paints as any cat would do.

Wow, I didn’t believe cats could paint on walls for artistic expression. Oh, yeah, I forgot they don’t. The cat is probably just playing with the paints as any cat would do.

Finally, a book about cats, painting?

9. Everything I Want to Do Is Illegal by Joe Salatin

Let's just say that Joe Salatin is terrible at choosing titles. I mean the statement "everything I want to do is illegal" can apply to almost anyone from serial rapists and murderers wanting to do their thing to the Koch brothers wanting to dump chemicals in the Mississippi. Also, who knows what that farmer is thinking about doing that's illegal. Not to mention, it's worth noting that Joe Salatin is a libertarian who blames the government for the food industrial complex we have today, which has no basis in fact. That, my friend goes to the food business instead.

Let’s just say that Joe Salatin is terrible at choosing titles. I mean the statement “everything I want to do is illegal” can apply to almost anyone from serial rapists and murderers wanting to do their thing to the Koch brothers wanting to dump chemicals in the Mississippi. Also, who knows what that farmer is thinking about doing that’s illegal. Not to mention, it’s worth noting that Joe Salatin is a libertarian who blames the government for the food industrial complex we have today, which has no basis in fact. That, my friend goes to the food business and urbanization instead.

Now this book talks about stories pertaining to the local food front, but this title could have other interpretations as far as anyone is concerned.

10. Castration: The Advantages and Disadvantages by Victor T. Cheney

I'm sure a book is less about the advantages of castration and more about the disadvantages since it's written by a guy. Much of the advantages basically pertain to not having to worry about paternity suits, paying child support, or appearing on the Maury Povich Show.

I’m sure a book is less about the advantages of castration and more about the disadvantages since it’s written by a guy. Much of the advantages basically pertain to not having to worry about paternity suits, paying child support, or appearing on the Maury Povich Show.

Finally, a title that would make any member of the male species clutch their junk in horror, except the author.

11. Harpo’s Horrible Secret by Barbara Kelly

Well, according to the cover, Harpo is either the kid who was molested by his grandpa during a fishing trip or the grandpa doing the molesting. Either way, this image doesn't seem to make Harpo's situation seem good here. And yet, the frog is watching in earnest.

Well, according to the cover, Harpo is either the kid who was molested by his grandpa during a fishing trip or the grandpa doing the molesting. Either way, this image doesn’t seem to make Harpo’s situation seem good here. And yet, the frog is watching in earnest.

I think the cover just spoiled the whole story for me in the most disturbing way possible.

12. Everything I Know About Women I Learned From My Tractor by Roger Welsch

This title is rather disturbing but I hope the best thing Roger learned about women from his tractor is that women aren't farm machinery that can plow your fields for you. Oh, and that they don't run on petroleum either.

This title is rather disturbing but I hope the best thing Roger learned about women from his tractor is that women aren’t farm machinery that can plow your fields for you. Oh, and that they don’t run on petroleum either.

Seriously, I don’t want to know about how your tractor fits in with your sex life. I’m sorry but that’s just me.

13. 1984 by George Orwell

What the hell is O'Brien doing in a gimp suit? Also, the romance is only part of the novel which also included elements of a dystopian society as well as a third act that's mostly filled with torture. Also, Winston isn't supposed to be sexy.

What the hell is O’Brien doing in a gimp suit? Also, the romance is only part of the novel which also included elements of a dystopian society as well as a third act that’s mostly filled with torture. Also, Winston isn’t supposed to be sexy.

All right, why is Orwell’s dystopian masterpiece being marketed as a Harlequin Romance? Seriously, though it contains romance, it’s not the only thing in it.

14. Mansfield Park by Jane Austen

Oh, it's not about that. So why come up with this creepy misleading cover design at all? The designers could've made the guys normal size like they do in posters for movies revolving around love triangles practically every single time.

Oh, it’s not about that. So why come up with this creepy misleading cover design at all? The designers could’ve made the guys normal size like they do in posters for movies revolving around love triangles practically every single time.

Read the Jane Austen classic about a normal size woman who can’t decide between two little men sitting on her shoulders.

15. Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

I'm sure a girl's legs in black and white striped tights is either going to remind readers of novels for teenage girls or the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz. Or maybe this book is trying to tell us that maybe Alice is the Wicked Witch of the West, which is really disturbing.

I’m sure a girl’s legs in black and white striped tights is either going to remind readers of novels for teenage girls or the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz. Or maybe this book is trying to tell us that maybe Alice is the Wicked Witch of the West, which is really disturbing.

With the legs in the black and white stripe tights, I almost thought it was Wicked.

16. Baby, Come Out! by Fran Manushkin

Never in my lifetime, I have seen depictions of pregnancy in children's books look so creepy. I mean how could the the baby be receptive to its older sister's screams from in utero? And why isn't it situated in a fetal position?

Never in my lifetime, have I seen depictions of pregnancy in children’s books look so creepy. I mean how could the the baby be receptive to its older sister’s screams from in utero? And why isn’t it situated in a fetal position?

I wonder if these pictures really provide an accurate description of fetal development. Also, why have the fetus featured in the mother’s swelling abdomen at all?

17. The Zen of Farting by Reppah Gud Wan

I'm sure Buddhist monks seem to let it all hang out during meditation as depicted by the putrid smell illustration from the cover. Well, I guess everyone breaks wind from time to time even Buddhist monks but pop culture seems to neglect this.

I’m sure Buddhist monks seem to let it all hang out during meditation as depicted by the putrid smell illustration from the cover. Well, I guess everyone breaks wind from time to time even Buddhist monks but pop culture seems to neglect this. Then again, the Buddhist monk featured may just have had eaten too much tofu burritos at lunch.

I’m sure this is perhaps the most popular Zen book for guys since it’s the only Zen art most of them have actually mastered.

18. Bombproof Your Horse by Sgt. Rick Pelicano

Yes, horses are skittish creatures and their primary defense mechanism consists of running like hell. I'm sure bombproofing it isn't going to be 100% effective. Seriously, this is why most modern militaries no longer have a cavalry.

Yes, horses are skittish creatures and their primary defense mechanism consists of running like hell. I’m sure bombproofing it isn’t going to be 100% effective. Seriously, this is why most modern militaries no longer have a cavalry.

Finally, a book for the equestrian on how to make your horse stamp out all his biological impulses, even in common sense instances that cause trauma.

19. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl

Who the hell thought that this would make a good cover for a children's book? I mean this girl on the cover seems more like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras than a regular spoiled rich brat. And shouldn't there be a young boy or Willy Wonka on the cover instead? Seriously, why?

Who the hell thought that this would make a good cover for a children’s book? I mean this girl on the cover seems more like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras than a regular spoiled rich brat. And shouldn’t there be a young boy or Willy Wonka on the cover instead? Seriously, why?

I’m sure this is a perfectly safe book that families can enjoy, but you wouldn’t know it from the cover which seems like a rejected design for Lolita.

20. Children Are No Match for Fire by Carol Dean

Let's just say despite a trauma inducing cover design, I'm sure this book will discourage your kid from playing with matches. Of course, this book may not work for budding pyromaniacs whose parents may need to seek more extraordinary measures like psychiatric assistance.

Let’s just say despite a trauma inducing cover design, I’m sure this book will discourage your kid from playing with matches. Of course, this book may not work for budding pyromaniacs whose parents may need to seek more extraordinary measures like psychiatric assistance.

Nothing scares your kids straight about fire safety than a cover featuring children running away from a burning bad lighter, candle, firecracker, and match.

21. Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery

Seriously, why should that girl even be on the cover? Anne of Green Gables wasn't a girl in a joke about the farmer's daughters. Also, she's supposed to be a plucky redheaded girl not Daisy Duke's cousin.

Seriously, why should that girl even be on the cover? Anne of Green Gables wasn’t a girl in a joke about the farmer’s daughters. Also, she’s supposed to be a plucky redheaded girl not Daisy Duke’s cousin.

I’m sure these books are decent for girls since they were written for them. It’s just that the publishers thought it would be a good idea to have some girl from a country music video pose for the cover.

22. Hiroshima No Pika by Toshi Maruki

Now the atomic bomb blasts on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were horrible events in our history but why would anyone think it's a good idea for a children's book? Also, what's with the topless woman on the cover and the blood spattering? This is disturbing.

Now the atomic bomb blasts on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were horrible events in our history but why would anyone think it’s a good idea for a children’s book? Also, what’s with the topless woman on the cover and the blood spattering? This is disturbing.

Finally a book for children about the atomic bomb blasts at Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Great for giving kids nightmares at bedtime.

23. Give Baldy Your Tit: What to Do with It Now that It’s Out by Omerta Hickey

This is a pretty terrible title and insensitive title for a book on baby care. Seriously, "Give Baldy Your Tit" seems what some guy would say at a stripper joint or something.

This is a pretty terrible title and insensitive title for a book on baby care. Seriously, “Give Baldy Your Tit” seems what some guy would say at a stripper joint or something.

According to the title, it appears as if it’s a book on baby care as written by a frat boy using a woman’s name as a pseudonym.

24. Sexy Food for Seniors by Lorraine

I mean those two things making out on the cover seem to have human heads and cornucopia bodies for some reason. Also, what's with the "Sexy Food for Seniors" thing? I mean food isn't supposed to be sexy nor or are senior citizens either.

I mean those two things making out on the cover seem to have human heads and cornucopia bodies for some reason. Also, what’s with the “Sexy Food for Seniors” thing? I mean food isn’t supposed to be sexy nor or are senior citizens either.

Now what the hell are those things on the covers?

25. Shag Tae Pony and Other Stories by Peter Crabbe

I know the author probably intended to have the word "shag" contain any sexual connotations. Yet, thanks to Austin Powers in the 1990s, this title is absolutely hilarious nowadays.

I know the author probably intended to have the word “shag” contain any sexual connotations. Yet, thanks to Austin Powers in the 1990s, this title now is likened to bestiality.

Who the fuck names their pony Shag? Or is it shag the pony? Oh, dear.

26. Armed America: Portraits of American Gun Owners in Their Homes by Kyle Cassidy

Now I suppose the couple on the cover are very nice people despite that they own a couple of assault weapons and see nothing wrong with sitting with them for a photograph in front of their 3 year old kid. Just lovely! Hope that kid doesn't grow up to shoot up a high school because I know exactly what guns he'll use.

Now I suppose the couple on the cover are very nice people despite that they own a couple of assault weapons and see nothing wrong with sitting with them for a photograph in front of their 3 year old kid. Just lovely! Hope that kid doesn’t grow up to shoot up a high school because I know exactly what guns he’ll use.

Great! Now a coffee table book filled with photos of American families that scare me.

27. Cranford by Elizabeth Cleghorn Gaskell

Actually despite the cover image, Cranford is really a 1853 novel about 2 unmarried sisters in England. Yeah, other than fire, none what's featured in the cover is actually in the book because it takes place in the freaking 19th century.

Actually despite the cover image, Cranford is really a 1853 novel about 2 unmarried sisters in England. Yeah, other than fire, none what’s featured in the cover is actually in the book because it takes place in the freaking 19th century.

Of course, a book cover like this is bound to leave many teenage boys who buy this very disappointed that Cranford isn’t a science fiction novel that pertains to a dystopian society.

28. A Day in the Life of Canada by David Cohen

Actually I think what that girl is wearing is a First Holy Communion dress not a bridal gown or at least I hope so. Still, I wonder why is she holding a baseball bat instead of a hockey stick I can't be sure. And why are the boy's shorts so short? This is a terrible cover design.

Actually I think what that girl is wearing is a First Holy Communion dress not a bridal gown or at least I hope so. Still, I wonder why is she holding a baseball bat instead of a hockey stick I can’t be sure. And why are the boy’s shorts so short? This is a terrible cover design.

Hey, I didn’t know they had child brides in Canada.

29. I Found a Dead Bird: The Kids’ Guide to the Cycle of Life and Death by Jan Thornhill

Seriously, I know that teaching kids about death is important. Still, it doesn't help that they have to put a dead hummingbird on the cover. Of course, when it came to finding dead birds while I was a kid, my parents would usually say things like, "don't touch" or "don't go anywhere near it because it make you sick."

Seriously, I know that teaching kids about death is important. Still, it doesn’t help that they have to put a dead hummingbird on the cover. Of course, when it came to finding dead birds while I was a kid, my parents would usually say things like, “don’t touch” or “don’t go anywhere near it because it make you sick.”

Now here is a book that teaches kids about death in perhaps one of the sickest ways possible.

30. Kids Are Americans Too by Bill O’Reilly and Charles Flowers

Of course, only serial killers and teachers write in that kind of font featured on the cover. Also, knowing that O'Reilly is an asshole on Fox News, it would be best to keep him away from your kids.

Of course, only serial killers and teachers write in that kind of font featured on the cover. Also, knowing that O’Reilly is an asshole on Fox News, it would be best to keep him away from your kids and I’m sure his book is certainly full of shit. Besides, most kids aren’t interested in right wing political talk shows anyway, I hope.

Note: It now comes a time that Bill O’Reilly doesn’t really believe this 100% of the time, especially if those kids were from Latin American countries like El Salvador, Guatemala, and Honduras.

31. I Knocked Up Satan’s Daughter by Carlton Mellick III

Of course, this book is labeled "A Demonic Romantic Comedy." Yet, I'm sure most guys in that situation would think it was a living Hell on Earth, especially if her dad was Satan. I mean she's a red demon with horns and tail so the guy in the story should've known better.

Of course, this book is labeled “A Demonic Romantic Comedy.” Yet, I’m sure most guys in that situation would think it was a living Hell on Earth, especially if her dad was Satan. I mean she’s a red demon with horns and tail so the guy in the story should’ve known better.

I’m sure if you knocked up Satan’s daughter, you wouldn’t be in a good position. Let’s just say your life would be a literal Hell.

32. Lumberjack in Love by Penny Watson

Sure the lumberjack on the cover may be a hunky man who many women would find attractive. Yet, it seems that he also has a habit of beheading his lovers with an axe, which I think he's going to do to this blonde woman soon. Seriously, this cover is messed up!

Sure the lumberjack on the cover may be a hunky man who many women would find attractive. Yet, it seems that he also has a habit of beheading his lovers with an axe, which I think he’s going to do to this blonde woman soon. Seriously, this cover is messed up!

Don’t look now, but I don’t think the lumberjack is in love with the woman on the cover.

33. Murder in the Hellfire Club by David Zochert

I don't think Ben Franklin was a member of the Hellfire Club despite his reputation as a ladies man. But still, having him on a lightning bolt while seeing a bunch of wigged gentlemen engage in debauchery is actually quite funny to see.

I don’t think Ben Franklin was a member of the Hellfire Club despite his reputation as a ladies man. But still, having him on a lightning bolt while seeing a bunch of wigged gentlemen engage in debauchery is actually quite funny to see.

Featuring Ben Franklin sliding down a lightning shaped bannister.

34. The Moose with Loose Poops by Charlotte Cowan M. D.

Seriously, this idea pertaining to using woodland creatures for bathroom activities has to stop. Also, why does that kid moose have antlers already? I mean moose calves don't have them yet.

Seriously, this idea pertaining to using woodland creatures for bathroom activities has to stop. Also, why does that kid moose have antlers already? I mean male moose calves don’t have them yet.

Great! Now there’s a children’s book about moose bowel movements. Wonder if they should consult the Charmin bears.

35. Eating People Is Wrong by Malcolm Bradbury

Still, you have to love the pictures depicting people on plates being presented as dinner. Sure it's sick but it's just so damn funny. I wonder if this book was written for laughs since we know that most cases of cannibalism usually pertain to desperate people in areas with very few edible things available like the Donner Party.

Still, you have to love the pictures depicting people on plates being presented as dinner. Sure it’s sick but it’s just so damn funny. I wonder if this book was written for laughs since we know that most cases of cannibalism usually pertain to desperate people in areas with very few edible things available like the Donner Party.

Of course, I didn’t have to read this to know that cannibalism is wrong.

36. One Two Three Pull! by Sophie Schmid and Sabine PrawlI

Still, whatever the rabbit may be doing to the chicken, I don't think the chicken likes it one bit. Yet, then again, it may not be what it looks like I hope.

Still, whatever the rabbit may be doing to the chicken, I don’t think the chicken likes it one bit. Yet, then again, it may not be what it looks like I hope.

Just a harmless children’s book or I hope that the rabbit isn’t doing anything terrible to the chicken.

37. My Parents Open Carry by Brian Jeffs and Nathan Nephew

Not surprisingly, this cover illustration is kind of creepy as if the girl and her family seem to want to kill you on site. Also, this idea was conceived when the two authors couldn't find any pro-gun children's books. Well, no shit, Sherlock, because guns are dangerous things and open carry is a lifestyle that should never be promoted in a kids' book. I mean there's nothing responsible and safe about open carry and all it's going to do is to make people afraid of you.

Not surprisingly, this cover illustration is kind of creepy as if the girl and her family seem to want to kill you on site if you anger them. Yeah, I’m sure the girl’s parents are perfectly harmless people (no way in hell). Also, this idea was conceived when the two authors couldn’t find any pro-gun children’s books. Well, no shit, Sherlock, because guns are dangerous things and open carry is a lifestyle that should never be promoted in a kids’ book. I mean there’s nothing responsible and safe about open carry and all it’s going to do is to make people afraid of you.

Here’s a children’s book about a kid asking people to accept her parent’s scary behavior that shouldn’t be encouraged at all. I mean you wouldn’t want your kids to read a book promoting drugs, smoking, and alcohol. The idea of a children’s book encouraging open carry is absolutely insane.

38. Lord of Thunder by Andre Norton

I wonder if this cover design either pertains to the story or just consists of a bunch of stuff that the cover artist thought would look very cool. I mean, a cat about to devour a spaceship, that's fucked up. And what the hell is a bald eagle doing here?

I wonder if this cover design either pertains to the story or just consists of a bunch of stuff that the cover artist thought would look very cool. I mean, a cat about to devour a spaceship, that’s fucked up. And what the hell is a bald eagle doing here?

Man, I sure hope that spaceship doesn’t get eaten by that giant evil cat.

39. Satan Was a Lesbian by Fred Haley

Now if Satan was a lesbian, he'd have to be a woman who likes chicks. This cover shows Satan as a guy who seems to delight in watching threesomes engaging in S&M stuff. For God's sake he's depicted with a mustache, goatee, and bare chest. If that doesn't say that Satan isn't a lesbian, I don't know what is.

Now if Satan was a lesbian, he’d have to be a woman who likes chicks. This cover shows Satan as a guy who seems to delight in watching threesomes engaging in S&M stuff. For God’s sake he’s depicted with a mustache, goatee, and bare chest. If that doesn’t say that Satan isn’t a lesbian, I don’t know what is.

From what the cover shows of Satan, it sure as hell doesn’t look like it to me.

40. The Turn of the Screw by Henry James

I'm sure handymen buying this edition would be greatly disappointed that this Henry James classic is a gothic horror story of messed up proportions. It has nothing to do with nuts, bolts, wrenches, or anything else found in a toolbox.

I’m sure handymen buying this edition would be greatly disappointed that this Henry James classic is a gothic horror story of messed up proportions. It has nothing to do with nuts, bolts, wrenches, or anything else found in a toolbox.

So it’s about tools right?

41. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

A Frankenstein cover with the Boris Karloff as the monster would've been a more appropriate cover design. Seriously, Frankenstein has been made into a movie several times already. Nobody thinks about warrior knights in regards to Frankenstein, nobody.

A Frankenstein cover with the Boris Karloff as the monster would’ve been a more appropriate cover design. Seriously, Frankenstein has been made into a movie several times already. Nobody thinks about warrior knights in regards to Frankenstein, nobody.

I’m sure Frankenstein isn’t about some medieval swordsman climbing some alien mountain since it takes place in the 19th century.

42. The Shining by Stephen King

The cover designers could've easily used Jack Nicholson saying "Here's Johnny!" for the book cover image. The creepy twin girls from the hotel is another good one. Having a blond woman in a warm weather backdrop on the cover is just very inexcusable.

The cover designers could’ve easily used Jack Nicholson saying “Here’s Johnny!” for the book cover image. The creepy twin girls from the hotel is another good one. Having a blond woman in a warm weather backdrop on the cover is just very inexcusable.

Of course, when people think about the famous Stephen King novel, I’m sure a sexy blond with a bad haircut from the 1980s doesn’t come into mind.

43. On the Night You Were Born by Nancy Tillman

Of course, if this book were written for polar bears, this could be titled On the Night You Were Conceived. Yet, I'm not sure if the polar bear dancing would break the ice quite literally. Also, there's global warming to worry about.

Of course, if this book were written for polar bears, this could be titled On the Night You Were Conceived. Yet, I’m not sure if the polar bear dancing would break the ice quite literally. Also, there’s global warming to worry about.

What the hell is it with the polar bears dancing in the moonlight? Seriously, why?

44. The Vampire’s Vacation by Ron Roy

Seriously, I thought that a sunny beach location would be one of the worst vacation destinations for vampires since they tend to disintegrate in the hot sun. I mean why would vampires would want to travel to such beach destinations anyway?

Seriously, I thought that a sunny beach location would be one of the worst vacation destinations for vampires since they tend to disintegrate in the hot sun. I mean why would vampires would want to travel to such beach destinations anyway?

I didn’t know Hawaii was a popular vacation destination for vampires.

45. Scream Street: Heart of the Mummy by Tommy Donbavand

Seriously, as the cover depicts, the mummy in this book seems to have illuminating genitalia that he's putting on display. Yet, one person doesn't really seem impressed here.

Seriously, as the cover depicts, the mummy in this book seems to have illuminating genitalia that he’s putting on display. Yet, one person doesn’t really seem impressed here.

Or as I call it Scream Street: Crotch of the Mummy since I can’t tell what’s illuminating from the mummy when he’s sitting down but the light seems to come from between its legs.

46. A Girl’s Best Friend by John Kellerman

Sure a dog may be a girl's best friend but this image is kind of disturbing and sort of suggest that they may be more than friends. Of course, this is known as bestiality and animal abuse.

Sure a dog may be a girl’s best friend but this image is kind of disturbing and sort of suggest that they may be more than friends. Of course, this is known as bestiality and animal abuse.

More like a girl’s best friend with benefits from what you can tell by the cover.

47. Impact for Murder by Cheri Galbiati

Of course, having a dog on a cover kind it makes me less likely to take this book seriously. I mean why do that? It just makes a book like this a joke.

Of course, having a dog on a cover kind it makes me less likely to take this book seriously. I mean why do that? It just makes a book like this a joke.

Let’s see, I’m sure hurricane footage and German shepherds in wreckage are what I think about when I read murder mysteries.

48. The Girl from Las Vegas by J. M. Flynn

Seriously, she may be a very attractive woman who won't hesitate to shoot people. Yet, those ugly dungarees totally kill the mood. I mean they're more suited for old men at the golf course than half-dressed pin ups with guns.

Seriously, she may be a very attractive woman who won’t hesitate to shoot people. Yet, those ugly dungarees totally kill the mood. I mean they’re more suited for old men at the golf course than half-dressed pin ups with guns.

Or why James Bond turned a sexy woman with a gun because of her ugly pants.

49. Night and Day by Virginia Woolf

Seriously, this is a work of classic literature not a trashy novel. Not to mention, it takes place in the early 20th century when women weren't wearing dresses like that or their hair flowing. I mean why would a cover designer do this?

Seriously, this is a work of classic literature not a trashy novel. Not to mention, it takes place in the early 20th century when women weren’t wearing dresses like that or their hair flowing. I mean why would a cover designer do this?

I’m sure the heroine in this story wasn’t a trashy spy unlike what the cover depicts.

50. Sewer, Gas, & Electric by Mark Ruff

I think this cover was designed by someone on a profound acid trip. I don't think that none of these things on the cover have much to do with each other, let alone basic utilities.

I think this cover was designed by someone on a profound acid trip. I don’t think that none of these things on the cover have much to do with each other, let alone basic utilities.

Since when do basic utilities have anything to do with polka dot submarines, Roman columns, sharks, sun dials, or the World Trade Center?

51. The Doctor’s Dilemma by Janet Lane Walters

Let me just say I wouldn't trust any baby with this man. Seems like the kind of guy who'd kill the babies for a Satanic ritual in his basement.

Let me just say I wouldn’t trust any baby with this man. Seems like the kind of guy who’d kill the babies for a Satanic ritual in his basement. That or a kind of guy who does taxidermy and has his mother as a skeleton in a dress.

From how I see it, it’s probably about a creepy psycho killing doctor who must decide whether to raise the two babies on his own or kill them.

52. Mind Pump: The Psychology of Bodybuilding by Tom Kubistant EdD.

Still, we need to realize that body builders aren't the most healthy individuals around physically or psychologically. Sure they may have bulging muscles but these guys are absolutely obsessed with their appearance and take a lot of steroids. Also, this guy has a mullet which is a terrible 1980s hairstyle.

Still, we need to realize that body builders aren’t the most healthy individuals around physically or psychologically. In fact, they’re just the opposite. Sure they may have bulging muscles but these guys are absolutely obsessed with their appearance and take a lot of steroids. Also, this guy has a mullet which is a terrible 1980s hairstyle.

I’m sure using telepathy to lift weights is going to bring great results. Actually it could kill you when they fall on your head.

53. Fellow Fags by Ethel Talbot

Seriously, you know how inappropriate the title is by today's standards. Nowadays "fag" is basically short for a pejorative slur directed at gay men. Yet, these guys playing soccer in the title don't seem to have a problem calling each other "fellow fags" for some reason.

Seriously, you know how inappropriate the title is by today’s standards. Nowadays “fag” is basically short for a pejorative slur directed at gay men. Yet, these guys playing soccer in the title don’t seem to have a problem calling each other “fellow fags” for some reason.

Considered as a book, “for kids, aged six to sixteen, by the Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge and Sheldon Press, London.” Of course, seeing the title I would’ve imagine it being about a bunch of gay soccer players.

54. That None Should Die by Frank G. Slaughter

According to one website's interpretation, the doctor is: a. preparing to shoot the newborn at the ceiling like a rubberband b. preparing to make “newborn tea” c. deciding whether to keep it or throw it back d. looking way too long and hard at the baby’s genital region, or e. so handsome that nobody cares what he’s actually doing. I might want to suggest f. all of the above.

According to one website’s interpretation, the doctor is: a. preparing to shoot the newborn at the ceiling like a rubberband b. preparing to make “newborn tea” c. deciding whether to keep it or throw it back d. looking way too long and hard at the baby’s genital region, or e. so handsome that nobody cares what he’s actually doing. I might want to suggest f. all of the above. Also, I hope those baby’s blue markings are pen marks by some person trying to deface it.

Says here it’s, “the story of a doctor whose ideals proved stronger than any temptation.” Could I say that certain temptation may be bloodlust? Because I don’t like how he’s looking at that baby.

55. The Manly Art of Knitting by Dan Fougner

We don't really associate the art of knitting with the lives of the cowboys but I'm sure everybody must have a hobby. This might especially be the case when you're on your horse for 18 hours but I don't see it.

We don’t really associate the art of knitting with the lives of the cowboys but I’m sure everybody must have a hobby. This might especially be the case when you’re on your horse for 18 hours but I don’t see it.

I’m sure we all yearn for the days when the lone cowboy roamed the range while scarves for his doagies.

56. Will-O-the Wisp by Thomas Burnett Swan

Hmm, either this is science fiction/fantasy and/or insect on human erotica. Still, the naked red haired woman's throws of physical ecstasy on the giant insect, suggests that this may be a rather disturbing relationship between them.

Hmm, either this is science fiction/fantasy and/or insect on human erotica. Still, the naked red haired woman’s throws of physical ecstasy on the giant insect, suggests that this may be a rather disturbing relationship between them.

This a blatant attempt to sell to teenage boys but what this naked redhead is doing on top of a giant insect, we’ll never know.

57. Dead Pet: Send Your Best Little Buddy Off in Style by Andrew Kirk and Jane Moseley

I know that the loss of a pet is perhaps one of the first sad moments a child will experience. Yet, this image of a dead cat on a rocket makes a child delightfully looking forward to his or her furry friend's demise. Still, I can't help but laugh.

I know that the loss of a pet is perhaps one of the first sad moments a child will experience. Yet, this image of a dead cat on a rocket makes a child delightfully looking forward to his or her furry friend’s demise. Still, I can’t help but laugh.

A kind of book you can give your kids when you’re thinking about putting Fluffy to sleep. I mean at least they can look forward to launching his corpse up in the sky.

58. How to Raise Your I. Q. by Eating Gifted Children by Lewis Burke Frumkes

Hmm..didn't know that cannibals had their own form of brain food. Still, this is just too much.

Hmm..didn’t know that cannibals had their own form of brain food. Still, this is just too much.

I hear this book says that mathletes are delicious.

59. Servants of the Wankh by Jack Vance

Of course, the word "wank" is a British expression for male genitalia. And yet, this is a sci-fi book probably geared for boys, not a porno at least that's what the cover tells me.

Of course, the word “wank” is a British expression for male genitalia. And yet, this is a sci-fi book probably geared for boys, not a porno at least that’s what the cover tells me.

All hail to the tiny toad king held by the man with a trapezoidial head.

60. Double Penetrator: Tokyo Purple/Northwest Contract by Chet Cunningham

Sure, calling a vigilante hero "the Penetrator" may seem cool at first but understand that the word "penetrate" is a verb used in regards to sexual intercourse. Also, it doesn't really help that he looks like a half-crazed Freddie Mercury either.

Sure, calling a vigilante hero “the Penetrator” may seem cool at first but understand that the word “penetrate” is a verb used in regards to sexual intercourse. Also, it doesn’t really help that he looks like a half-crazed Freddie Mercury either. Perhaps this may be a self-insertion fic for Anthony Weiner.

I’m sure when I hear of the Penetrator, I think of a 1970s porn stached vigilante gun man. Yeah, right.