What I Want for Christmas Letters to Santa

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Every Christmas it’s not uncommon for kids to write letters to Santa Claus on what they want for Christmas. Normally this would consist of kids writing requests for toys. But it’s not always the case. This letter above is by my cousin Ben wrote in preschool. Of course, he can be a little smartass since he’s asking for the whole kit and caboodle. Seeing this letter on Facebook got me thinking about the kind of letters kids write to Santa. Turns out the internet has plenty of letters from various sites like Buzzfeed. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you a treasure trove of children’s letters to the big guy at the North Pole. In case you want to know about letters to Santa, it’s perfectly fine to send your letter to the North Pole since the United States Postal Service has their own Letters from Santa program.

  1. Dear Santa, give me a Lady Gaga doll or I’ll break your legs.
Little Tommy isn't fooling around either, Santa. You better give this kid a Lady Gaga doll. Sounds like a mobster at the end.

Little Tommy isn’t fooling around either, Santa. You better give this kid a Lady Gaga doll. Sounds like a mobster at the end.

2. If you want to know what this kid wants for Christmas, here’s the link.

Makes me wonder why children don't e-mail Santa more often. Might make Santa's work much easier.

Makes me wonder why children don’t e-mail Santa more often. Might make Santa’s work much easier.

3. Apparently, one kid isn’t happy about Santa Claus this year.

Guess this kid saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus last Christmas. Seems to be a little Grinch in the making.

Guess this kid saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus last Christmas. Seems to be a little Grinch in the making.

4. Well, at least this little girl is honest.

Then again, she may not be that greedy. Or she just might be blurting out song lyrics. Not sure which.

Then again, she may not be that greedy. Or she just might be blurting out song lyrics. Not sure which.

5. Send a computer to Jack if you have the money, Santa.

Sure a computer might be expensive and bulky. But if Santa will give one, it'll be for the whole family, not just the kid.

Sure a computer might be expensive and bulky. But if Santa will give one, it’ll be for the whole family, not just the kid.

6. Someone seems worried that Santa would get stuck in the chimney.

Uh, I'm sure Santa will have no problem coming down chimneys. But the kid makes an excellent point.

Uh, I’m sure Santa will have no problem coming down chimneys. But the kid makes an excellent point.

7. Dear Santa, if you don’t give me what I want, I will hunt you down and kill you.

Santa, you might want to give the little girl what she wants. Because she certainly means business. Then again, I don't think Santa and his reindeer could die.

Santa, you might want to give the little girl what she wants. Because she certainly means business. Then again, I don’t think Santa and his reindeer could die.

8. Dear Santa, I’ve been a good boy this year so why did you give me stupid presents?

Boy, seems like Johnny was very disappointed with what he got for Christmas. And he doesn't seem to take it well.

Boy, seems like Johnny was very disappointed with what he got for Christmas. And he doesn’t seem to take it well.

9. So, Santa, how are things at the North Pole.

Well, at least this one is friendly. But the Hot Topic gift card request kills me.

Well, at least this one is friendly. But the Hot Topic gift card request kills me.

10. Dear, Santa, if you’re real, please prove it to me.

Good luck with asking proof from Santa that he exists. Still, you can't really blame the kid for trying.

Good luck with asking proof from Santa that he exists. Still, you can’t really blame the kid for trying.

11. Dear Santa, I’ve been okay this year, here’s what my family wants for Christmas.

This little girl even listed her home and cell number to Santa. I think Santa doesn't need to know that.

This little girl even listed her home and cell number to Santa. I think Santa doesn’t need to know that.

12. Dear Santa, bring me toys or I will hurt Rudolph further.

The kid even has a graphic of Rudolph's nose in a box. Still, I don't think that'll sway Santa.

The kid even has a graphic of Rudolph’s nose in a box. Still, I don’t think that’ll sway Santa.

13. Dear Santa, just sand me Hannah Montana everything.

I'm sure this letter was written before 2013 when Miley Cyrus's Hannah Montana was extremely popular with young girls. Yet, her wholesome image would soon change after her Disney Channel show ended.

I’m sure this letter was written before 2013 when Miley Cyrus’s Hannah Montana was extremely popular with young girls. Yet, her wholesome image would soon change after her Disney Channel show ended.

14. This year Lucy wants a bank account and a slim body and not get the two mixed up.

I'm sure Lucy's wishes echo what a lot of adults want for Christmas. However, I'd just ask for the fat bank account.

I’m sure Lucy’s wishes echo what a lot of adults want for Christmas. However, I’d just ask for the fat bank account.

15. This kid seems to have a lot of questions about Santa.

Yet, little Spencer still sneaks in what he wants for Christmas. Still, this is cute.

Yet, little Spencer still sneaks in what he wants for Christmas. Still, this is cute.

16. Dear Santa, give me a camera because I want one.

Well, at least this kid gets straight to the point. Didn't really say why though.

Well, at least this kid gets straight to the point. Didn’t really say why though.

17. Santa, bring me a smartphone and something for my brother, too.

Judging from the crayon, I think she might be a bit young for a smart phone. But at least she keeps her brother in mind.

Judging from the crayon, I think she might be a bit young for a smart phone. But at least she keeps her brother in mind.

18. Santa, please give me Hannah Montana concert tickets and here’s why.

Looks like this little girl really did her homework on the music business. Like how she talked about scalpers.

Looks like this little girl really did her homework on the music business. Like how she talked about scalpers.

19. Please give me Yu-gi-oh for Christmas to impress the boys.

I guess this girl really has some inadequacy issues. Hey, girl, you don’t need to impress boys to be fulfilled in life. Also, how old are you?

20. Seems like this kid wants a bunch of hunting equipment for Christmas.

I think this guy might be a little old to write to Santa. Still, if he wants all that stuff for Christmas, he could easily go to places like Gander Mountain or Cabela's.

I think this guy might be a little old to write to Santa. Still, if he wants all that stuff for Christmas, he could easily go to places like Gander Mountain or Cabela’s.

21. Dear Santa, I want a lot of things for Christmas, does 39 items seem too much?

Guess this girl has a long list of what she wants for Christmas. But yes, 39 is a bit much.

Guess this girl has a long list of what she wants for Christmas. But yes, 39 is a bit much.

22. Dear Santa, if you bring anything with batteries make sure they’re included.

At least this seems pretty reasonable. Having gifts that require batteries that aren't included is a real pain in the ass.

At least this seems pretty reasonable. Having gifts that require batteries that aren’t included is a real pain in the ass.

23. Dear Santa Claus, give me $5.3 billion.

I'm sure people would want $5.3 billion at some point. But I think asking for a few hundred is much more reasonable.

I’m sure people would want $5.3 billion at some point. But I think asking for a few hundred is much more reasonable.

24. Dear Santa, please give me Taylor Swift tickets, Nordstrom clothes, and a boyfriend.

On second thought, the boyfriend seems more reasonable than the other two. However, dating doesn't work this way.

On second thought, the boyfriend seems more reasonable than the other two. However, dating doesn’t work this way.

25. Santa, I’m perfectly fine with getting coal and spending time with my family but I enjoy opening presents.

Seems like she's really buttering the big guy up. What a way to sneak it in, girl.

Seems like she’s really buttering the big guy up. What a way to sneak it in, girl.

26. Since Mommy’s on a diet, is Cheez-Its all right with you?

To be fair, kids don't understand much about nutrition. Also goes on to talk about pets.

To be fair, kids don’t understand much about nutrition. Also goes on to talk about pets.

27. For Christmas I’d want a stuffed chicken.

So this could mean a delectable dish or taxidermy. Hope it's the former. Because taxidermied animals are creepy.

So this could mean a delectable dish or taxidermy. Hope it’s the former. Because taxidermied animals are creepy.

28. Looks like the game cops and robbers has become more advanced these days.

Wonder what asking for such police stuff says about our culture these days. I think handcuffs would've been more reasonable.

Wonder what asking for such police stuff says about our culture these days. I think handcuffs would’ve been more reasonable.

29. Santa, this year I want a puppy, a real puppy, not a stuffed one.

As we all know, puppies make terrible Christmas gifts since many would prefer to pick the animal. But this kid doesn't understand that.

As we all know, puppies make terrible Christmas gifts since many would prefer to pick the animal. But this kid doesn’t understand that.

30. Dear Santa, please take everyone’s guns away.

Hey, kid, maybe you should ask Santa for reasonable gun control laws like universal background checks and an assault weapons ban. No need to resort to drastic measures.

Hey, kid, maybe you should ask Santa for reasonable gun control laws like universal background checks and an assault weapons ban. No need to resort to drastic measures.

31. Dear Santa, send diapers for my baby brother.

I'm guessing this kid is at least pre-school age. From how I look at it. The incident with the pee is disgusting.

I’m guessing this kid is at least pre-school age. From how I look at it. The incident with the pee is disgusting.

32. Santa, give me a puppy. By the way, you suck.

This kid doesn't seem very happy. Yeah, please rub it in Santa's face, how could you?

This kid doesn’t seem very happy. Yeah, please rub it in Santa’s face, how could you?

33. Dear Santa, either turn me into a dragon or give me a pet dragon.

Sure dragons may be cool. But that doesn't mean you'd want one. Just read Harry Potter or any fantasy story. Besides, they're mythical creatures anyway.

Sure dragons may be cool. But that doesn’t mean you’d want one. Just read Harry Potter or any fantasy story. Besides, they’re mythical creatures anyway.

34. Dear Santa, I’m beginning to wonder about your elves’ work quality.

Well, elf competency concerns is reasonable. Too bad that a lot of the products this kid describes is probably made from cheap labor in an Asian nation.

Well, elf competency concerns is reasonable. Too bad that a lot of the products this kid describes is probably made from cheap labor in an Asian nation.

35. This Christmas give a turtle since they’re cool.

Sure turtles may be cool in their own way. They're also a lot of work and aren't very nice.

Sure turtles may be cool in their own way. They’re also a lot of work and aren’t very nice.

36. Santa, is it true you’re not coming to my house because Obama got reelected?

From reading this, I wonder what this kid's parents listen to. I'm sure they voted for that steaming piece of shit Donald Trump this year.

From reading this, I wonder what this kid’s parents listen to. I’m sure they voted for that steaming piece of shit Donald Trump this year.

37. Santa, if you give anyone a monkey, it will be bad.

At least the kid knows a think or two about why keeping exotic pets is a bad idea. If I had a kid who wants a monkey, they could forget it.

At least the kid knows a think or two about why keeping exotic pets is a bad idea. If I had a kid who wants a monkey, they could forget it.

38. Dear Santa, please don’t give me a little sister in 2 years.

I'm sure Samantha won't like it if her mom has to tell her she's pregnant. That won't go well.

I’m sure Samantha won’t like it if her mom has to tell her she’s pregnant. That won’t go well.

39. Santa, could you get me a couple of things for Christmas? Here’s a list.

Note: When a letter to Santa says, "Flip page" you can tell it's not just a couple of things. Yeah, kid has a long list.

Note: When a letter to Santa says, “Flip page” you can tell it’s not just a couple of things. Yeah, kid has a long list.

40. Dear Santa, please give me these presents for my life depends on it.

I'm sure this kid won't get a lot of these presents. And it's not going to be the end of the world. Though there always has to be one who makes everything seem dramatic.

I’m sure this kid won’t get a lot of these presents. And it’s not going to be the end of the world. Though there always has to be one who makes everything seem dramatic.

41. Haven’t been too good this year, but could you send me a LEGO train anyway.

Uh, doesn't Santa give presents to the good kids? Not sure if this child knows how it works.

Uh, doesn’t Santa give presents to the good kids? Not sure if this child knows how it works.

42. Dear Santa, could you give me superpowers if possible?

Sorry, kid, but superpowers don't work that way. You can't just ask Santa for them.

Sorry, kid, but superpowers don’t work that way. You can’t just ask Santa for them.

43. For Christmas this year I want hair like Rapunzel.

No, kid, you don't want 5 feet long hair. Because you'd probably have to spend a lot on hair care products and hours brushing it.

No, kid, you don’t want 5 feet long hair. Because you’d probably have to spend a lot on hair care products and hours brushing it.

44. No, Santa, I didn’t mean that. I would never do that.

From PopSugar: "Dear Santa, sorry for saying, 'I'm going to punch you in the face!' I would never do that because I am a good boy and I know hitting is wrong. Love, Ryder."

From PopSugar: “Dear Santa, sorry for saying, ‘I’m going to punch you in the face!’ I would never do that because I am a good boy and I know hitting is wrong. Love, Ryder.”

45. Here’s all the stuff I want for Christmas.

Man, those look pretty expensive. But at least she's smart to use the Wal Mart catalog.

Man, those look pretty expensive. But at least she’s smart to use the Wal Mart catalog.

46. Dear Santa, how do you get into my house?

I'm guessing this kid's family doesn't have a chimney. I'm sure Santa has other ways.

I’m guessing this kid’s family doesn’t have a chimney. I’m sure Santa has other ways.

47. Dear Santa, please help the homeless and here’s what I want.

Sure the kid may want Santa to help the homeless. But everyone has a list of their own toys.

Sure the kid may want Santa to help the homeless. But everyone has a list of their own toys.

48. Santa, my dad talked about the Krampus and he gave me nightmares.

Either this girl is scared of the Krampus or she's using the monster as a bargaining chip. Not sure which.

Either this girl is scared of the Krampus or she’s using the monster as a bargaining chip. Not sure which.

49. Dear Santa, please give me $100 and a $50 gift card and it cant’ be to food places.

This girl really doesn't mess around. Also wants to be able to paint her nails.

This girl really doesn’t mess around. Also wants to be able to paint her nails.

50. Dear Mr. Claus, I’ve been very bad so please send me coal.

This is certainly not from a kid but a CEO of a coal company. And no, Santa, coal won't teach him a lesson. How about give him a possible long jail sentence for environmental and worker safety violations?

This is certainly not from a kid but a CEO of a coal company. And no, Santa, coal won’t teach him a lesson. How about give him a possible long jail sentence for environmental and worker safety violations?

51. What I want for Christmas is a McDonald’s in my neighborhood.

I'm not sure what to think of this. Because a McDonald's is one of the last things I'd want in my community.

I’m not sure what to think of this. Because a McDonald’s is one of the last things I’d want in my community.

52. Dear Santa, can you send me a mixed elf on the shelf?

Yes, I know there are plenty of families that do Elf on the Shelf. But to be honest, Elf on the Shelf is creepy which is why I like to make fun of it around the holidays.

Yes, I know there are plenty of families that do Elf on the Shelf. But to be honest, Elf on the Shelf is creepy which is why I like to make fun of it around the holidays.

53. Dear Santa, I don’t ask for much. Maybe about 100 things.

Uh, asking for 100 things is going way overboard. How about you narrow it down a bit?

Uh, asking for 100 things is going way overboard. How about you narrow it down a bit?

54. Santa, if you can please don’t send me any clothes!

Yeah, we all know kids don't like getting clothes for Christmas. They're not fun like toys. But kids have no idea that they need them.

Yeah, we all know kids don’t like getting clothes for Christmas. They’re not fun like toys. But kids have no idea that they need them.

55. Give it to me straight, Santa, am I on the naughty list?

Well, that might be a good question. But would you really want to know?

Well, that might be a good question. But would you really want to know?

56. Dear Santa, is it true you read all the letters because I doubt it.

Well, at least this girl is being reasonable about the letters. Yet, she still made a list.

Well, at least this girl is being reasonable about the letters. Yet, she still made a list.

57. Dear Santa, I’ve been good this year. I’ve brought beer to my dad from the fridge.

To be fair, this girl may not understand that bringing beer for Daddy from the fridge may not be a good idea. This is especially if Daddy has a problem.

To be fair, this girl may not understand that bringing beer for Daddy from the fridge may not be a good idea. This is especially if Daddy has a problem.

58. If Santa was wise, he might consider giving this kid a dictionary for Christmas.

I don't expect these letters to be grammatically sound with proper spelling. But this one contains the words "slay" for "sleigh" and "rape" for "wrap." So it's pretty noteworthy for a post like this.

I don’t expect these letters to be grammatically sound with proper spelling. But this one contains the words “slay” for “sleigh” and “rape” for “wrap.” So it’s pretty noteworthy for a post like this.

59. Dear Santa, sorry for being bad but could you give me a few things.

You know these kind of letters are usually followed by a long list. Yeah, those aren't just a few things.

You know these kind of letters are usually followed by a long list. Yeah, those aren’t just a few things.

60. Dear Santa, I have a few questions to ask.

I'm sure Santa could answer those for you soon. And yes, he will be quiet, believe me.

I’m sure Santa could answer those for you soon. And yes, he will be quiet, believe me.

61. Dear Santa, can you please bring me pizza?

If you want pizza, there are better ways than asking Santa for it. How about calling your local pizza place?

If you want pizza, there are better ways than asking Santa for it. How about calling your local pizza place?

62. Dear Santa, please, please, please give me these things.

Hey, kid, you don't need to say please all the time. I'm sure Santa understands.

Hey, kid, you don’t need to say please all the time. I’m sure Santa understands.

63. Santa better bring a pony this year.

Still, that's a terrible pony drawing. What the hell is it? Looks like some weird cartoon alien.

Still, that’s a terrible pony drawing. What the hell is it? Looks like some weird cartoon alien. Still, the kid’s not fooling around.

64. Dear Santa, I’ve been good this year since I’ve picked up a lot of crap.

Picking up dog poop is nothing to be humble about. But where I live, you don't have to do that.

Picking up dog poop is nothing to be humble about. But where I live, you don’t have to do that.

65. Santa, can you fill this questionnaire for me?

Seems like this kid wants to know a little bit more about Santa. Not sure if Santa has any time for that.

Seems like this kid wants to know a little bit more about Santa. Not sure if Santa has any time for that.

66. Santa, show yourself to me that you’re real.

Guess this kid doesn't buy in the whole Santa thing. You probably have that with kids sometimes.

Guess this kid doesn’t buy in the whole Santa thing. You probably have that with kids sometimes.

67. Dear Santa, can you send me a real pet cub, please?

I'm sure this kid will be very disappointed on Christmas. Because a real cub for Christmas is worse than a puppy. For the love of God, they grow up to be fierce wild cats. Maybe a stuffed one would be better.

I’m sure this kid will be very disappointed on Christmas. Because a real cub for Christmas is worse than a puppy. For the love of God, they grow up to be fierce wild cats. Maybe a stuffed one would be better.

68. Dear Santa, I’ve been okay but if you don’t give me anything I understand.

Well, at least this kid is trying to have a more realistic self-awareness. And at least shows appreciation.

Well, at least this kid is trying to have a more realistic self-awareness. And at least shows appreciation.

69. Dear Santa, please give me a new football because my evil little brother stole mine.

Sibling rivalries always start young, don't they? Also, probably doesn't have a chimney.

Sibling rivalries always start young, don’t they? Also, probably doesn’t have a chimney.

70. Dear Santa, I have big butts and I cannot lie…

Well, at least the kid didn't use the whole song. Because it has rather adult lyrics. But it's funny.

Well, at least the kid didn’t use the whole song. Because it has rather adult lyrics. But it’s funny.

71. Dear Santa, please send me a Venus flytrap.

Okay, other than the Venus Flytrap bit, the letter is mostly normal. However, you have to wonder about this kid when you see the illustrations.

Okay, other than the Venus Flytrap bit, the letter is mostly normal. However, you have to wonder about this kid when you see the illustrations.

72. Santa, does Rudolph have two noses?

No, Rudolph just has one nose, kid. What made you ask that question?

No, Rudolph just has one nose, kid. What made you ask that question?

73. Dear Santa, I know you’re a marketing ploy but I just want stuff or else.

The boy even says that Santa and his wife are gambling addicts and has a picture of the Grim Reaper. Also, talks about the Dolphin mafia.

The boy even says that Santa and his wife are gambling addicts and has a picture of the Grim Reaper. Also, talks about the Dolphin mafia.

74. Dear Santa, please get my boat to work for it’s just in my yard.

Too bad this kid has no idea if a boat should work, it should be in water. And please let the boat be a toy.

Too bad this kid has no idea if a boat should work, it should be in water. And please let the boat be a toy.

75. Dear Santa, give me a signed picture of you and your elves.

I don't think Santa gives out autographed photos, kid. And I'm sure elves might not be allowed to send their photos out to children either.

I don’t think Santa gives out autographed photos, kid. And I’m sure elves might not be allowed to send their photos out to children either.

76. Dear Santa, here are the things I want and can you send me Steeler stuff?

Looks like he left somethings out in his original letter. Not sure if he lives in my area since the Steelers are my local NFL team.

Looks like he left somethings out in his original letter. Not sure if he lives in my area since the Steelers are my local NFL team.

77. Santa, you’re fat you’ll be getting no cookies at my house this year.

Man, this girl says that Santa needs to lose some pounds so she and her mom are giving him veggies. Not sure if the big guy would appreciate it.

Man, this girl says that Santa needs to lose some pounds so she and her mom are giving him veggies. Not sure if the big guy would appreciate it.

78. Dear Santa, please give my brother Mitch some things since he writes bad and hates reading.

Seems like this girl doesn't have a lot of nice things to say about him. Also, she tells Santa that's not his sign.

Seems like this girl doesn’t have a lot of nice things to say about him. Also, she tells Santa that’s not his sign.

79. Dear Santa, please bring Leonardo DiCaprio to my house this year.

Sorry, but I don't think Santa could do that. Also, I'm not sure if he's cute at the moment, especially since the Revenant. But if you live in an area adversely affected by climate change, maybe he'll stop by.

Sorry, but I don’t think Santa could do that. Also, I’m not sure if he’s cute at the moment, especially since the Revenant. But if you live in an area adversely affected by climate change, maybe he’ll stop by.

80. Dear Santa, can you sign this to prove you’re real?

And I see, "Ho Ho Ho" on the line. Not sure if that's what this little boy wants.

And I see, “Ho Ho Ho” on the line. Not sure if that’s what this little boy wants.

81. Santa, can you please come before 6:00 a.m.?

Because Santa shouldn't want to wake up this early bird. Also stocking on the left.

Because Santa shouldn’t want to wake up this early bird. Also stocking on the left.

82. Santa, will you give me a second chance this year? Explain.

This kid put "yes/no" and lines for Santa to write on. Not sure if Santa wants to answer that.

This kid put “yes/no” and lines for Santa to write on. Not sure if Santa wants to answer that.

83. Santa, I just want my family to be happy and these things.

The materialism is bound to creep up somehow. It always does in these kind of letters.

The materialism is bound to creep up somehow. It always does in these kind of letters.

84. Dear Santa, I have a lot of questions to ask you.

This one asks what Santa is giving his sisters, whether his friend is on nice list and what Santa does with the gifts he can't fit in his sleigh. Also, how tall are elves.

This one asks what Santa is giving his sisters, whether his friend is on nice list and what Santa does with the gifts he can’t fit in his sleigh. Also, how tall are elves.

85. Seems like Calvin knows what he wants for Christmas.

Okay, I don't think this is from a kid. Because I don't think children would even watch The Internship that stars Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn.

Okay, I don’t think this is from a kid. Because I don’t think children would even watch The Internship that stars Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn.

86. Sorry, we couldn’t give you any cookies, Santa, and the gingerbread made us sick.

Well, what can I say? Shit happens. We all have Christmas disasters.

Well, what can I say? Shit happens. We all have Christmas disasters.

87. Dear Santa, I haven’t seen a reindeer so can you leave Rudolph at our house?

No, I don't think Santa will leave Rudolph. He needs his lead reindeer.

No, I don’t think Santa will leave Rudolph. He needs his lead reindeer.

88. Dear Santa, can you please send pacifiers for my sister so we can sleep?

Guess her sister really likes to make a lot of noise all the time. It's probably because she's a baby.

Guess her sister really likes to make a lot of noise all the time. It’s probably because she’s a baby.

89. What I want for Christmas this year is some toys and an AK-47.

No, you don't want to give an AK-47 for Christmas. What about a better gift like almost anything else?

No, you don’t want to give an AK-47 for Christmas. What about a better gift like almost anything else?

90. Dear Santa, there are some things I want so I devised a list for you.

This girl goes on to describe how she listed what she want. It gets pretty complicated.

This girl goes on to describe how she listed what she want. It gets pretty complicated.

91. Dear Mr. Claus, in accordance with the Christian holiday, here are the things I want for Christmas.

He goes on to say that other items would be added at a later date. So Santa should stay tuned.

He goes on to say that other items would be added at a later date. So Santa should stay tuned.

92. Dear Santa, I really want a puppy, just give me one.

Seems like this girl really wants a puppy for Christmas. As I said before, puppies make terrible Christmas gifts. Better to have her pick out her own.

Seems like this girl really wants a puppy for Christmas. As I said before, puppies make terrible Christmas gifts. Better to have her pick out her own.

93. Dear Santa, I always enjoy your presents but forgive the bad stuff I did this year.

This kid really knows how to lap it up. Also requests that Santa come when parents are sleeping.

This kid really knows how to lap it up. Also requests that Santa come when parents are sleeping.

94. Dear Santa, I’ve been good but I’m not sure about my sister.

Well, sibling problems are quite common. But this boy really wants to say his sister hasn't been that great.

Well, sibling problems are quite common. But this boy really wants to say his sister hasn’t been that great.

95. Dear Santa, please make my brother nicer and bring him back.

I don't know about you. But I worry whether this boy wants Santa to kidnap his brother. This is kind of disturbing.

I don’t know about you. But I worry whether this boy wants Santa to kidnap his brother. This is kind of disturbing.

96. This Christmas Evie’s been a bad girl but she needs presents.

But Evie doesn't being bad should disqualify her from presents. But still, this is cute.

But Evie doesn’t being bad should disqualify her from presents. But still, this is cute.

97. Dear Santa, please give me a DS, I’ll give you money.

This boy seems like a smooth talker. Wonder how far it would get him.

This boy seems like a smooth talker. Wonder how far it would get him.

98. If you want to see my Christmas list, text my dad.

Chances are this is going to be a long list. Since I know where this is going.

Chances are this is going to be a long list. Since I know where this is going.

99. Dear Santa, please leave the gifts at the door because I won’t be home for Christmas.

I suppose there are some kids who would be away for Christmas. But I'm sure Santa could manage.

I suppose there are some kids who would be away for Christmas. But I’m sure Santa could manage.

100. Dear Santa, how do you poop? Does it look different?

Uh, I think that's a question no one wants to ask. Except the kid who wrote this.

Uh, I think that’s a question no one wants to ask. Except the kid who wrote this.

Jolly Old Sketchy Saint Nicholas

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It’s always been a Christmas tradition for kids to see their local Santa Claus impersonator to request on what they want for Christmas. It’s also been a tradition that children have their picture taken with Santa as well. Still, while Santa Claus is supposed to be an old jolly bearded fat man in a red suit who’s supposed to inspire holiday cheer and adoration from children, sometimes the portrayal doesn’t go too well. Of course, there are times when people have to make do with what they got when it comes to having a Santa Claus, yet when it goes wrong, the side effects could range from unfortunate photo ops, frightened children, and the jolly Christmas icon seeming more suited for a horror movie than the festive holiday season. Nevertheless, there have been moments in which Santa doesn’t seem so nice and it’s the sketchy Santas I’ll show you in this post. So without further adieu, I present a treasury of Santas whose laps nobody would want to sit on. Some of these may not be safe for work.

1. Looks like Santa Claus has been drained of the spirit of Christmas.

"Yes, I get that you'd want Elsa from Frozen like every other goddamn kid I've seen today. And for God's sake can't you just take the picture to get it over with? I'm holding a screaming kid in my arms."

“Yes, I get that you’d want Elsa from Frozen like every other goddamn kid I’ve seen today. And for God’s sake can’t you just take the picture to get it over with? I’m holding a screaming kid in my arms.”

2. Someone doesn’t feel jolly this holiday season and I don’t think it’s the kid.

Kind of reminds me of the mall Santa on A Christmas Story who told Ralphie, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid. Ho, ho, ho" before pushing him down the chute. Still, this guy must hate his job.

Kind of reminds me of the mall Santa on A Christmas Story who told Ralphie, “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid. Ho, ho, ho” before pushing him down the chute. Still, this guy must hate his job.

3. Seems like Punisher Santa doesn’t really understand children.

"So I asked the kid what he wanted for Christmas and I stood for the picture. So it ain't my fucking fault that he burst into tears at the sight of me!"

“So I asked the kid what he wanted for Christmas and I stood for the picture. So it ain’t my fucking fault that he burst into tears at the sight of me!”

4. While the baby doesn’t seem to be too upset, I’d be scared to death if this Santa was posing with my baby.

Yes, I'm sure that this babe will do nicely for being Santa Claus' next meal, literally. Santa always loves feasting on the fresh bodily flesh of innocent babies.

Yes, I’m sure that this babe will do nicely for being Santa Claus’ next meal, literally. Santa always loves feasting on the fresh bodily flesh of innocent babies.

5. “Why, Johnny, that’s an interesting balloon you have, I wonder if that’s a present for your parents. And I’m sure I wouldn’t put it between your legs if I were you.”

Now this Santa and kid photo op is quite awkward because there's something rather inappropriate about it. And I don't think Santa putting his arm around the boy does anything to help.

Now this Santa and kid photo op is quite awkward because there’s something rather inappropriate about it. And I don’t think Santa putting his arm around the boy does anything to help.

6. Nothing turns off anyone more than the presence of a Santa Claus in his underwear.

Only Mrs. Claus could ever find such a man attractive and probably took the picture. At least I hope so. Too bad someone found it to post on the Internet.

Only Mrs. Claus could ever find such a man attractive and probably took the picture. At least I hope so. Too bad someone found it to post on the Internet.

7. Take it easy on him, kids, since Santa’s been implicated in some barroom brawl the night before and hasn’t been feeling himself lately.

Yes, and Santa is now sporting a shiner due to being punched in the face and being hit on the head with a bottle.

Yes, and Santa is now sporting a shiner due to being punched in the face and being hit on the head with a bottle.

8. Now I know he’s supposed to be Santa Claus but his face kind of reminds me of Old Man Winter.

"Your roads and driveway will be a bitch to clean up once I'm done with them. So expect being late to work more often this holiday season. Ho, ho, ho."

“Your roads and driveway will be a bitch to clean up once I’m done with them. So expect being late to work more often this holiday season.

9. Santa shares a photo op with a couple of kids and Beppo the clown.

Seems like Santa doesn't enjoy sharing the spotlight this Christmas season,especially with a clown that is more suitable for Halloween nightmares. Still, I'm sure the clown is going to get it once he and Santa get off from work.

Seems like Santa doesn’t enjoy sharing the spotlight this Christmas season,especially with a clown that is more suitable for Halloween nightmares. Still, I’m sure the clown is going to get it once he and Santa get off from work.

10. I can’t tell whether Santa is a bit peeved by getting squashed by two ladies on his lap or thrilled to death for the same thing.

"Sure I may be gasping for breath but at least I have girls on my lap who are over 18 years old. Hope they ask for a jolly fat sausage for Christmas this year."

“Sure I may be gasping for breath but at least I have girls on my lap who are over 18 years old. Hope they ask for a jolly fat sausage for Christmas this year.”

11. Looks like the boss had Vinnie play Santa for the annual Christmas party on behalf of the Family’s kids.

"Man, when Don Vito said he'll make me an offer I can't refuse, I didn't mean it would amount to posing with his kids in this stupid costume. God, I feel like I just want to whack somebody for this."

“Man, when Don Vito said he’ll make me an offer I can’t refuse, I didn’t mean it would amount to posing with his bratty kids in this stupid costume. God, I feel like I just want to whack somebody for this. Then again, maybe I should’ve refused the offer.”

12. Since Santa couldn’t make it today, I’m sure the evil Saruman from Isengard will make a good substitute. I mean he has a white beard doesn’t he?

"I think I'll take this little girl with me to Middle Earth. I'm sure the other one won't miss her sister that much."

“I think I’ll take this little girl with me to Middle Earth. I’m sure the other one won’t miss her sister that much.”

13. “Well, how would you feel if you had to spend once a year breaking into people’s houses through their chimneys just to leave something nice for their kids?”

Of course, I'm sure that while the kid seems perfectly composed, Santa seems to be a bit pissed. Then again, imagine if you had to deal with reindeer pooping on people's roofs.

Of course, I’m sure that while the kid seems perfectly composed, Santa seems to be a bit pissed. Then again, imagine if you had to deal with reindeer pooping on people’s roofs.

14. Here’s Santa Claus sitting with what appears to be Rhoda Penmark. You know the girl who killed that boy over not getting the Penmanship Award on a field trip.

"Of course, I see you when you're sleeping and know when you're awake. Also, I know you've been really, really, bad this year so no presents for you, kiddo."

“Of course, I see you when you’re sleeping and know when you’re awake. Also, I know you’ve been really, really, bad this year so no presents for you, kiddo.”

15. “I have you now, my pretty, and I could’ve gotten your little dog, too. But the mall doesn’t allow pets.”

"So if you want to see your daughter again this Christmas, give me some of those Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies near the tree with a bottle of Dom Perignon. Oh, and a ransom of $5,000 because those presents don't pay for themselves."

“So if you want to see your daughter again this Christmas, give me some of those Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies and a T-bone steak near the tree with a bottle of Dom Perignon. Oh, and a ransom of $5,000 because those presents don’t pay for themselves.”

16. “Did this girl just pee on my knee?”

"Man, that little shit just cost me a pair of red pants. Now what am I going to tell the manager? God, I hate kids."

“Man, that little shit just cost me a pair of red pants. Now what am I going to tell the manager? God, I hate kids.”

17. “I’ll just stick my hand right there for safety-sake, Bobby… Ol’ Santa wouldn’t want ya slippin’ of his lap, now would he?”

Hey, Santa, you aren't supposed to touch kids between their legs. Still, at least you won't see that Santa again because I'm sure those parents complained.

Hey, Santa, you aren’t supposed to touch kids between their legs. Still, at least you won’t see that Santa again because I’m sure those parents complained. Yet, this poor boy is scarred for life.

18. Zombie Santa Claus seems very hungry for little kids’ brains. Sadly, Ritchie would never be seen again after this picture was taken.

"Mommy, don't let him take me! He's dead, I tell you! And he wants to eat me!" But Ritchie's mom just wouldn't listen.

“Mommy, don’t let him take me! He’s dead, I tell you! And he wants to eat me!” But Ritchie’s mom just wouldn’t listen.

19. Yes, Santa Claus gives toys for the good girls and boys but he will come back for their souls later.

Sure these two girls may look happy, but little do they notice the evil lurking within the Sinister Mr. Kringle. Yes, kids, Santa Claus is evil incarnate.

Sure these two girls may look happy, but little do they notice the evil lurking within the Sinister Mr. Kringle. Yes, kids, Santa Claus is evil incarnate.

20. Seems like it’s Christmas in Disneyland.

Remind me not to go to visit Disneyland with my kids during the holiday season. Also, seems like Santa's about to do something kinky with Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

Remind me not to go to visit Disneyland with my kids during the holiday season. Also, seems like Santa’s about to do something kinky with Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

21. Now here’s Saint Nicholas with three of his helpers. Hey, wait a minute, those aren’t elves!

For those not familiar with David Sedaris, this picture was taken in the Netherlands. While we all seem to recognize Saint Nicholas as the bearded white guy, those three guys in blackface are 3 of the 6 to 8 black men. Of course, this is the main reason why I wouldn't recommend black people to travel to the Netherlands at this time in December.

For those not familiar with David Sedaris, this picture was taken in the Netherlands. While we all seem to recognize Saint Nicholas as the bearded white guy, those three guys in blackface are 3 of the 6 to 8 black men. Of course, this is the main reason why I wouldn’t recommend black people to travel to the Netherlands at this time in December.

22. While you want your kid’s first visit with Santa to be memorable, make sure it doesn’t traumatize them for life.

Now if a Santa Claus manages to be so menacing to frighten babies, then you might want to go to another Santa. Seriously, I can see why this baby is totally shitting its diaper right now.

Now if a Santa Claus manages to be so menacing to frighten babies, then you might want to go to another Santa. Seriously, I can see why this baby is totally shitting its diaper right now.

23. “Come sit on Santa’s lap. I have candy canes.”

"Mommy, please don't let me sit with the scary bearded man. Please, Mommy. It's not funny, Mommy."

“Mommy, please don’t let me sit with the scary bearded man. Please, Mommy. It’s not funny, Mommy. I’m serious, Mommy.”

24. Looks like eye shadowed Santa has a gift for all the kids who sit on his lap.

"And can you please give Mommy a boxed set of 50 Shades of Grey and a DVD of Secretary?"

“And can you please give Mommy a boxed set of 50 Shades of Grey and a DVD of Secretary? Also, can you please give Daddy a pair of wifebeaters?”

25. While he’s on break, Santa Claus likes to strum his guitar and drink a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Of course, who would've thought that Santa Claus is a terrible role model for children? Still, he'll probably be totally wasted once he's back to work.

Of course, who would’ve thought that Santa Claus is a terrible role model for children? Still, he’ll probably be totally wasted once he’s back to work.

26. Of course, this is what you get when you hire the homeless guy outside a Kmart to play Santa Claus.

And from how that baby's acting up, I'm sure this Santa certainly smells like a homeless guy. But at least this Santa didn't have to grow a beard.

And from how that baby’s acting up, I’m sure this Santa certainly smells like a homeless guy. But at least this Santa didn’t have to grow a beard.

27. “Oh, Ms Tammy! Those the set I brought ya last year? How ’bout Ol’ Santa brings you a nice shiny pole to go along with’em!?!?!?”

My, my, it seems that Santa Claus has been a very, very naughty boy this year. Guess he's not getting any presents at least from Mrs. Claus.

My, my, it seems that Santa Claus has been a very, very naughty boy this year. Guess he’s not getting any presents at least from Mrs. Claus.

28. Creepy Ghost Santa said, “So, Sally, what would you like for Christmas this year? Oh, wait a minute, you probably already answered that question in your nightmares.” Of course, this was right before he chopped her with an axe.

From Neatorama: "This Mr. Claus looks so cold and lifeless that I can’t help but wonder if they just let all the youngsters take their Santa photos with a dead Kris Kringle. Whatever the story behind this picture, the end result is horrifying."

From Neatorama: “This Mr. Claus looks so cold and lifeless that I can’t help but wonder if they just let all the youngsters take their Santa photos with a dead Kris Kringle. Whatever the story behind this picture, the end result is horrifying.”

29. Only in an adult club could a guy sit on Santa’s lap wearing a speedo and holding a tenor saxophone.

Santa Claus: "Okay, if I have to deal with this kind of shit on a daily basis during this gig, consider me not open to doing it next year."

Santa Claus: “Okay, if I have to deal with this kind of shit on a daily basis during this gig, consider me not open to putting the red suit on next year.”

30. “Looks like the Valium is about to kick in at any moment…..right about now.”

"Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus, Right on Santa Claus Lane, Zzzzzzz."

“Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Right on Santa Claus Lane, Zzzzzzz.”

31. “Ewww, Santa’s breath smells like our drunk Uncle Harry during a bender.”

"Sorry, kiddies, but Santa always has to drink at least a few shots of bourbon before breakfast."

“Sorry, kiddies, but Santa always has to drink at least a few shots of bourbon before breakfast. It’s how he manages to deal with cranky elves and out of control reindeer in their games. Now he needs another drink.”

32. Come to see Santa Claus, he’ll let you ride on his donkey.

From Neatorama: "Again, this vintage Santa picture is simply terrifying and the bearded man looks more like a monster than St. Nicholas. Even the taxidermied donkey looks more alive than this Santa Claus." Hope this little girl survives her visit to Santa and lives to tell the tale.

From Neatorama: “Again, this vintage Santa picture is simply terrifying and the bearded man looks more like a monster than St. Nicholas. Even the taxidermied donkey looks more alive than this Santa Claus.” Hope this little girl survives her visit to Santa and lives to tell the tale.

33. “Hold yer britches, Brittany, Daddy ain’t finished telling Santa Claus what he wants for Christmas.”

Santa: "I'm sure your little Brittany will get everything she wants for Christmas. Yet, as for you, I'll sure give you some shotgun shells, a six pack of beer, five years probation for your mama, and those mudflaps with the naked ladies."

Santa: “I’m sure your little Brittany will get everything she wants for Christmas. Yet, as for you, I’ll sure give you some shotgun shells, a six pack of beer, five years probation for your mama, and those mudflaps with the naked ladies.”

34. Remember, parents, don’t take your child to visit Santa Claus during the dead of night. Especially when he says, “This child is the right size for roasting.”

Santa: "So little girl, what would you want for Christmas this year?" Little Girl: "Mommy, please, don't make me sit on that man's lap. He looks like he wants to eat me."

Santa: “So little girl, what would you want for Christmas this year?”
Little Girl: “Mommy, please, don’t make me sit on that man’s lap! He looks like he wants to eat me!” (Runs off unable to stop screaming.)

35. Terrorists, say hello to Santa’s little friend, the assault rifle.

Granted, he's most likely an American soldier playing Santa during his tour of duty who's recently besieged by combat. But still, this is pretty damn funny.

Granted, he’s most likely an American soldier playing Santa during his tour of duty who’s recently besieged by combat. But still, this is pretty damn funny.

36. Sometimes adults like to take their picture with Santa Claus as well, especially couples.

I bet Santa is like, "Boy oh, boy, wish I could put my hands on that rack of hers. What knockers!" Pervert.

I bet Santa is like, “Boy oh, boy, wish I could put my hands on that rack of hers. What knockers!” Pervert.

37. While Santa Claus isn’t having kids sit on his lap, you can see him outside directing traffic.

Looks like Santa is very much enjoying this gig that he's doing a little dance at the intersection. Still, he better watch out since there may be a car coming right at him.

Looks like Santa is very much enjoying this gig that he’s doing a little dance at the intersection. Still, he better watch out since there may be a car coming right at him.

38. Why, yes, Virginia, you can have your cat pose in a picture with Santa Claus.

Now this Santa seems so terrifying that even the cat is freaking out. Still, I bet Santa is going to have a lot of scratch marks once this photo op is over.

Now this Santa seems so terrifying that even the cat is freaking out. Still, I bet Santa is going to have a lot of scratch marks once this photo op is over.

39. Before he started his career on 60 Minutes, the late Andy Rooney used to do stints playing Santa Claus at the mall. He wasn’t received well.

If you think Andy Rooney plays a terrifying Santa Claus, you should see Santa portrayed by actors like Gary Busey, Jack Nicholson, Peter Lorre, and Steve Buscemi. Then again, you'd rather not.

If you think Andy Rooney plays a terrifying Santa Claus, you should see Santa portrayed by actors like Gary Busey, Jack Nicholson, Peter Lorre, and Steve Buscemi. Then again, you’d rather not.

40. Would you let this man deliver presents for your kids around Christmas Eve?

I'm sure Santa Claus is back from his stint in jail and is vowing to catch the real culprit for the crime he didn't commit through any means necessary. Let me say, there will be hell to pay.

I’m sure Santa Claus is back from his stint in jail and is vowing to catch the real culprit for the crime he didn’t commit through any means necessary. Let me say, there will be hell to pay for someone this Christmas.

41. Hey, I didn’t know John Goodman’s character from The Big Lebowski was a mall Santa.

I haven't seen The Big Lebowski, but I'm sure things aren't going to be good if this baby's father is The Dude. Still, this Santa looks as if he has a score to settle.

I haven’t seen The Big Lebowski, but I’m sure things aren’t going to be good if this baby’s father is The Dude. Still, this Santa looks as if he has a score to settle.

42. “Now you be a good girl and go tell your momma Santa’s got a big, special present just for her…”

I don't like the look on that Santa's face and neither does the girl on his lap. In fact, she wishes she wouldn't want to sit on Santa's lap anymore.

I don’t like the look on that Santa’s face and neither does the girl on his lap. In fact, she wishes she wouldn’t want to sit on Santa’s lap anymore.

43. “Oh, yes, I’m making a list and checking it twice.”

However, judging by this Santa's face and the kids' faces, I can't really decide whether this Kris Kringle is naughty or nice.

However, judging by this Santa’s face and the kids’ faces, I can’t really decide whether this Kris Kringle is naughty or nice.

44. Santa Claus really likes children sitting on his lap.

Unfortunately, this little boy is absolutely terrified of him and perhaps so am I. Still, you'll never escape from the man they call, "The Claus."

Unfortunately, this little boy is absolutely terrified of him and perhaps so am I. Still, you’ll never escape from the man they call, “The Claus.”

45. A tired Santa Claus prepares his way to go down the chimney.

From Neatorama: "If Santa looked like that in modern Christmas movies, I think kids would stay up at night in horror rather than excitement as they went to bed expecting him to come down the chimney."

From Neatorama: “If Santa looked like that in modern Christmas movies, I think kids would stay up at night in horror rather than excitement as they went to bed expecting him to come down the chimney.”

46. “All right, photo 1,546 coming right up. Damn, you’d think I’d have migraines after a spending a day with people flashing cameras in my face.”

"Ho, ho, ho, Santa needs a break from this, really. How many more kids do I have to pose with before I pass out?"

“Ho, ho, ho, Santa needs a break from this, really. How many more kids do I have to pose with before I pass out?”

47. Just Old Kris Kringle curled up with a bottle of booze on his lunch break.

He's probably trying to drown his sorrows over the fact that Mrs. Claus may be fooling around with one of the elves. Still, I think Santa may have a drinking problem here.

He’s probably trying to drown his sorrows over the fact that Mrs. Claus may be fooling around with one of the elves. Still, I think Santa may have a drinking problem here.

48. “I’ve got plans for you, Goldilocks.”

Santa seems to be plotting something and I don't like the look on his face either. Neither does the boy. Seriously, how can anyone think Santa doesn't look evil in this?

Santa seems to be plotting something and I don’t like the look on his face either. Neither does the boy. Seriously, how can anyone think Santa doesn’t look evil in this?

49. Heeeere’s Santa!

Perhaps this Santa should tone the holiday cheer down a bit. Because he almost seems to have the appearance of the neighborhood psychokiller with a $50,000 reward dead or alive.

Perhaps this Santa should tone the holiday cheer down a bit. Because he almost seems to have the appearance of the neighborhood psychokiller with a $50,000 reward dead or alive.

50. Santa Claus: Jolly old gift giver who brings tidings of comfort, joy, and good cheer or Snidely Whiplash in disguise.

Okay, Dudley Do-Right, you win. Still, Snidely hasn't really aged all too well has he? And he's put on a lot of weight, too.

Okay, Dudley Do-Right, you win. Still, Snidely hasn’t really aged all too well has he? And he’s put on a lot of weight, too.

51. “Certainly, Mr. Gregson, I’ll take very good care of that redheaded stepson of yours….for a while.”

From Neatorama: "Indeed, poor little Zak looks like he’s being kidnapped for ransom money by this gruff-looking Mr. Claus."

From Neatorama: “Indeed, poor little Zak looks like he’s being kidnapped for ransom money by this gruff-looking Mr. Claus.”

52. These eyes have certainly seen a darker side of Christmas.

I'm sure your child is perfectly safe with this guy who might be on some kind of "registered offenders" list in some states.

I’m sure your child is perfectly safe with this guy who might be on some kind of “registered offenders” list in some states.

53. “I saw Mommy spanking Santa Claus/Underneath the mistletoe last night.” And looks like Santa didn’t seem to mind.

Oh, yes, spank that fat Santa ass will you. Because Santa has been a very naughty boy if you know what I mean.

Oh, yes, spank that fat Santa ass will you. Because Santa has been a very naughty boy if you know what I mean.

54. Don’t look now but I think there’s a scary red suited beardy man behind you.

"All right, which one of you told Daddy that they saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus? Well, that's no presents for you Chloe."

“All right, which one of you told Daddy that they saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus? Well, that’s no presents for you Chloe.”

55. “For the love of God, how much time do I have left for this?”

"Be a mall Santa, they said. It would be fun, they said. Boy, those bastards were terribly wrong."

“Be a mall Santa, they said. It would be fun, they said. Boy, those bastards were terribly wrong.”

56. Just because  a little girl may have a shirt that says she loves Santa, doesn’t mean she actually does.

Of course, Santa is only taking the job because it looks good on his resume as well as impresses his parole officer, not to be critical.

Of course, Santa is only taking the job because it looks good on his resume as well as impresses his parole officer, not to be critical.

57. Sorry, kids, looks like Santa has been drinking too much eggnog lately.

Perhaps this picture perfectly explains why Grandma got run over by a reindeer that fateful Christmas Eve. Obviously, Santa was drunk that night, too. Wonder if he's heard of Alcoholics Anonymous?

Perhaps this picture perfectly explains why Grandma got run over by a reindeer that fateful Christmas Eve. Obviously, Santa was drunk that night, too. Wonder if he’s heard of Alcoholics Anonymous or the 12 step program?

58. “I always love it when they squeal.”

"Yes, cry my little one! I'm always energized and refreshed by the cries of innocent children! Ho, ho, ho!"

“Yes, cry my little one! I’m always energized and refreshed by the cries of innocent children! Ho, ho, ho! Their tears always give me great nourishment.”

59. Santa: “So, little lady have you been a good little girl this year?”

Little Girl: "Mommy, get me off this scary man's lap! I'll be good, honest I will! Just get me out of here! Please don't force me to sit on his lap, please!"

Little Girl: “Mommy, get me off this scary man’s lap! I’ll be good, honest I will! Just get me out of here! Please don’t force me to sit on his lap, please!”

60. Sorry, kid, but there’s no escaping Santa now!

"The best part about this job is that they let kids sit on your lap and you don't have to go through a background check."

“The best part about this job is that they let kids sit on your lap and you don’t have to go through a background check.”

61. “I was only kidding about Rudolph being hit by a 747.”

"Hey, can't a little kid take a bit of gallows humor this holiday season? What the hell is wrong with this boy?"

“Hey, can’t a little kid take a bit of gallows humor this holiday season? Jesus, what the hell is wrong with this boy?”

62. It’s said while Santa gives bad kids coal for Christmas, he puts bad elves in the fire for kindling.

Let's just hope that if this is a good kid because I would be terrified if I find out that she's a horrible little elf. Still, I could see evil in this Santa's eyes.

Let’s just hope that if this is a good kid because I would be terrified if I find out that she’s a horrible little elf. Still, I could see evil in this Santa’s eyes beneath his fluffy white beard.

63. “Here, you take him, I think he just spoiled my robe here.”

I don't know about you but if this photo didn't take place somewhere in Europe, then the Santa hood has got to go. Otherwise, Santa looks like some evil red cloaked wizard.

I don’t know about you but if this photo didn’t take place somewhere in Europe, then the Santa hood has got to go. Otherwise, Santa looks like some evil red cloaked wizard.

64. Yes, Virginia, Santa loves cats.

He also knows a lot a ways to skin them as well, not to be critical. Still, would you want your cat to sit with this man?

He also knows a lot a ways to skin them as well, not to be critical. Still, would you want your cat to sit with this man?

65. “Do you think the child is frightened by the wig? Or is it just me?”

Let's just sum up what makes this Santa terrifying as hell: 1. The ugly wig you'd see on someone playing George Washington. 2. The beard you'd see on a homeless bum. 3. The red hood which doesn't go good on him. Still, I can see why this baby isn't a happy camper.

Let’s just sum up what makes this Santa terrifying as hell: 1. The ugly wig you’d see on someone playing George Washington. 2. The beard you’d see on a homeless bum. 3. The red hood which you’d likely see on a cult leader.
Still, I can see why this baby isn’t a happy camper.

66. While parents love to take their kids to see Santa, they always try to avoid seeing a flashing one.

We may divided on whether to see Santa at the mall this year, but there's certainly a consensus that nobody wants to see a naked Santa. Ho, ho, hell no!

We may divided on whether to see Santa at the mall this year, but there’s certainly a consensus that nobody wants to see a naked Santa. Ho, ho, hell no!

67. Sorry, kids, but Santa has to get a lap dance from Mrs. Claus.

Nice to see the two having that spark after all these years together at the North Pole. Still, do they have to make out in front of everyone? That ain't right.

Nice to see the two having that spark after all these years together at the North Pole. Still, do they have to make out in front of everyone? That ain’t right.

68. He sees you when you’re sleeping, He knows when you’re awake, He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.

Okay, the concept of posing with your kid while Santa watches out the window is actually rather terrifying if you ask me.

Okay, the concept of posing with your kid while Santa watches out the window is actually rather terrifying if you ask me.

69. Come into Santa’s car. He’ll take your requests and give you free candy.

Sure he may be Santa Claus or some known sicko dressed up as Santa Claus to lure children with free candy. Either way, I wouldn't risk it and keep the hell a way from him.

Sure he may be Santa Claus or some known sicko dressed up as Santa Claus to lure children with free candy. Either way, I wouldn’t risk it and keep the hell a way from him.

70. Sometimes it’s every child’s wish to see Santa during the Christmas season.

Sometimes, it's Santa visits like this that will forever live in these children's nightmares. Still, this Santa seems like he wants to do very naughty things to these innocent souls in his workshop.

Sometimes, it’s Santa visits like this that will forever live in these children’s nightmares. Still, this Santa seems like he wants to do very naughty things to these innocent souls in his workshop.

For more: Bad Santas- http://suburbanturmoil.com/the-very-best-of-bad-santa/2013/12/18/

Here Comes Santa Decorations

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Of course, what Christmas wouldn’t be without the big guy himself, Santa Claus? Every year on Christmas Eve he travels all over the world on his reindeer powered sleight, breaks into people’s houses through the chimney, eats their milk and cookies (or Guinness in Ireland), and leaves presents for the kids. Still, there are many decorations depicting Santa Claus and while some of them may be nice, others may seem to belong in a Stephen King novel. Nevertheless, they come in all shapes and sizes. So you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout because I’m telling you why. Now here is a collection of some of the sketchiest Santa decor you will ever see.

1. This light up Santa figurine will haunt your dreams.

"He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. So be good for goodness sake." Or else Santa may kill you.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good. So be good for goodness sake.” Or else Santa may kill you.

2. Just because Santa’s sleigh may be pulled by reindeer, doesn’t mean other deer are safe from him.

Sorry, Bambi, be as good as you can, but you still won't be safe from Santa.

Sorry, Bambi, be as good as you can, but you still won’t be safe from Santa.

3. Just him and Frosty roasting by the fire or doing something else.

Seriously, you don't want to know. Also, why is Frosty near a fire?

Seriously, you don’t want to know. Also, why is Frosty near a fire?

4. Sometimes Santa just has an accident.

So now he's hanging on the gutters of someone's house.

So now he’s hanging on the gutters of someone’s house.

5. Hippie Santa says, “Peace on earth, and rock on, dude.”

So, kids, perhaps you should forget leaving Santa cookies and perhaps leave him some of those special hashish brownies, if it's legal in your jurisdiction.

So, kids, perhaps you should forget leaving Santa cookies and perhaps leave him some of those special hashish brownies, if it’s legal in your jurisdiction.

6. Looks like Santa hasn’t adjusted to greater air traffic.

And to think him of all people would know better than to crash into a 747.

And to think him of all people would know better than to crash into a 747.

7. Or vehicle traffic in general.

No wonder Santa would rather enter through the chimney.

No wonder Santa would rather enter through the chimney.

8. Looks like Santa has just had a few too many.

A good reason why you shouldn't leave any alcohol for Santa. But many people do, especially in Ireland.

A good reason why you shouldn’t leave any alcohol for Santa. But many people do, especially in Ireland.

9. Santa salutes America’s finest.

Seriously, why is Santa wearing camo. And doesn't he travel to other countries as well? I mean he's more of an international figure.

Seriously, why is Santa wearing camo. And doesn’t he travel to other countries as well? I mean he’s more of an international figure.

10. Hey, even Santa has to relieve himself once in awhile.

Of course, you don't want to go in there after Santa has done his duty.

Of course, you don’t want to go in there after Santa has done his duty.

11. Nothing says “Merry Christmas” than seeing a naked Santa at a pizza place.

Wearing nothing but his hat, socks, and mistletoe on his privates.

Wearing nothing but his hat, socks, and mistletoe on his privates.

12. Of course, sometimes there’s a reason why some kids may be scared of seeing Santa at the mall.

A perfect Santa figurine for Stephen King who probably has one in his house already.

A perfect Santa figurine for Stephen King who probably has one in his house already.

13. Who needs a sleigh when you have a camper?

Doesn't really have the same ring as sleigh, doesn't it? Also, he's sharing it with the reindeer?

Doesn’t really have the same ring as sleigh, doesn’t it? Also, he’s sharing it with the reindeer?

14. Cozy up for Christmas with the Hot Santa couch cushion.

Now I understand why Mommy was kissing Santa Claus.

Now I understand why Mommy was kissing Santa Claus.

15. Have a Santa Claus toilet set to grace your royal throne.

Now you can have your commode in the spirit of the season while your guests are taking a crap.

Now you can have your commode in the spirit of the season while your guests are taking a crap.

16. Why have a red suit when Santa can have Goldfinger’s pajamas?

I think James Bond gave them to him in order to compensate all the bad things he's done this year. Also, this Santa is pretty creepy and can give kids nightmares.

I think James Bond gave them to him in order to compensate all the bad things he’s done this year. Also, this Santa is pretty creepy and can give kids nightmares.

17. If you don’t have a chimney, you can always give him a ladder for him to climb through the front door.

But would you'd want to risk it with such a flimsy ladder?

But would you’d want to risk it with such a flimsy ladder?

18. Of course what wouldn’t your Christmas be like if Santa wasn’t on his white reindeer in a hula skirt?

Seriously, whoever designed this must've been on a brown acid trip in Hawaii.

Seriously, whoever designed this must’ve been on a brown acid trip in Hawaii.

19. Even Santa is quite an angler with the rod and the reel.

Actually doesn't seem to look much like Santa than as a creepy old fisherman. Still, I'm not sure if Santa is a fishing type.

Actually doesn’t seem to look much like Santa than as a creepy old fisherman. Still, I’m not sure if Santa is a fishing type.

20. Still, like many Santa can’t resist a John Deere Tractor.

Seriously, why the hell is Santa on a tractor? He lives in the North Pole so I'm not sure he has any use for one.

Seriously, why the hell is Santa on a tractor? He lives in the North Pole so I’m not sure he has any use for one.

21. And here’s a sweet lifelike Saint Nick you’d see in your neighborhood drugstore.

There can be such a thing as too lifelike. Also, I've seen a lot of these things over this time of year and let me say, they're not cute. They're creepy.

There can be such a thing as too lifelike. Also, I’ve seen a lot of these things over this time of year and let me say, they’re not cute. They’re creepy.

22. Would you want this guy leave presents for your kids?

Why is it about certain Santa decorations that makes them so terrifying?

Why is it about certain Santa decorations that makes them so terrifying?

23. Santa as a serial killer? And I thought he was good with kids.

Introducing Santa Claus the Homicidal Maniac. So, kids, be good, or else.

Introducing Santa Claus the Homicidal Maniac. So, kids, be good, or else.

24. Sometimes Santa just doesn’t have anything to wear.

But that doesn't explain why his pjs look like they're fresh from a comic book convention.

But that doesn’t explain why his pjs look like they’re fresh from a comic book convention.

25. Fill your drinks through a Santa drink dispenser.

Kind of looks like he's peeing when you press the button.

Kind of looks like he’s peeing when you press the button.

26. In a galaxy far, far away, children receive their presents from Yoda Claus.

"Been good this year, you have?" said Yoda Claus. "So what for Christmas this year you want?"

“Been good this year, you have?” said Yoda Claus. “So what for Christmas this year you want?”

27. Even Santa needs to come prepared.

So he can shoot bambi from the watchtower like all the other hunters.

So he can shoot bambi from the watchtower like all the other hunters.

28. Just Santa and the Mrs. taking some time off.

Not sure if I'm all right with seeing them like this, especially without their feet covered.

Not sure if I’m all right with seeing them like this, especially without their feet covered.

29. What the hell is Santa holding in his hand?

Looks more like a giant popsicle to me.

Looks more like a giant popsicle to me.

30. Even Santa may get the seventh year itch.

You know many parents would object to this. And I'm not sure if we want to see what Santa has underneath. Seriously, why?

You know many parents would object to this. And I’m not sure if we want to see what Santa has underneath. Seriously, why?