Make a Wish and Blow Out the Candles for These Birthday Party Cakes

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My birthday is on January 13th in which I’ll turn 25 this year and since I don’t have many ideas for January that involve cakes (save maybe Martin Luther King Jr. Day but I don’t want to go there), I thought a post about birthday cakes would be appropriate. I mean I’ve done one on baby shower and wedding cakes, so why not? Nevertheless, birthdays are usually celebrated with cakes and presents for the guest of honor at parties and such. Still, when you get technical about birthdays, you basically only have one of them such as the day you were born. The rest of what we call, “birthdays” are basically anniversaries of that moment as we get older. Of course, I’ve also been to a lot of birthday parties as well, mainly for little babies since I’m the oldest of 24 grandchildren on my mother’s side (the youngest who celebrated her first birthday this year, but I didn’t go to her party since she lives in Maryland), which is why I really don’t look forward to parties in general (other reasons being booze and loud music). Still, it’s always been tradition for people to have cakes specifically designed for them whether it be homemade or ordered from the store (the main focus of this post). And I bet birthday cakes make up a large percentage of bakeries’ earnings followed by weddings, christenings, anniversaries, etc. Though I can go on and on about the cute little birthday cakes I’ve seen, chances are you’d probably be bored to tears. Instead, I’ll show you all the kinds of cakes that are, horribly done, inappropriate for the birthday person’s age, offensive, or just so bad they’re unintentionally funny. Some of these might not be safe for work just to make that clear. So for your pleasure, here are some birthday cakes, gone horribly wrong.

1. What better cake for a boy’s birthday than a Star Wars one, featuring Jedi with light sabers, Boba Fett, Imperial Stormtroopers, and the Enterprise?

Let's hope this 7-year-old boy isn't part of the Star Wars vs. Star Trek fandom rivalry or else he's probably throw a tantrum. Still, we all should know that the Enterprise is from a whole different franchise! Such cake would certainly piss geeks off, at Comic Con and I'm sure this baker wouldn't want to be seen there.

Let’s hope this 7-year-old boy isn’t part of the Star Wars vs. Star Trek fandom rivalry or else he’s probably throw a tantrum. Still, we all should know that the Enterprise is from a whole different franchise! Such cake would certainly piss geeks off, at Comic Con and I’m sure this baker wouldn’t want to be seen there.

2. Nothing is better for a girl’s 21st birthday than a cake with Drunk Barbie puking in the toilet.

And I thought Barbie was supposed to be a good role model for girls, other than in terms of body image that is. Still, binge drinking is a real problem of teenagers and young adults, especially on college campuses. And it's a behavior that should never be encouraged. Still, they have a few of these and one with Ken, too, for boys.

And I thought Barbie was supposed to be a good role model for girls, other than in terms of body image that is. Still, binge drinking is a real problem of teenagers and young adults, especially on college campuses. And it’s a behavior that should never be encouraged. Still, they have a few of these and one with Ken, too, for boys.

3. Happy Birthday to the world’s youngest dad ever.

Now I think it's more likely that this was an inscriber's mistake and the guy who receives this is probably 80, not 8. Still, it's very disturbing if you think about it since a boy's chances of fatherhood in the second grade would be highly unlikely. That is, unless some woman molested him.

Now I think it’s more likely that this was an inscriber’s mistake and the guy who receives this is probably 80, not 8. Still, it’s very disturbing if you think about it since a boy’s chances of fatherhood in the second grade would be highly unlikely. That is, unless some woman molested him.

4. Happy birthday to the person who might need to see a podiatrist.

I know that this foot is supposed to represent a step or something. But still, that looks disgusting. Let's just say no to a cake pertaining to foot disease, shall we?

I know that this foot is supposed to represent a step or something. But still, that looks disgusting. Let’s just say no to a cake pertaining to foot disease, shall we?

5. For the girl who’s just become a teenager, I suppose a cake with boobs would go quite nicely.

For God's sake, as if sexualizing young girls and teenagers isn't enough. Seriously, sure girls may have breasts by the time they're 13, but that's no reason for getting a boob cake for them on their 13th birthdays! Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this girl's parents?

For God’s sake, as if sexualizing young girls and teenagers isn’t enough. Seriously, sure girls may have breasts by the time they’re 13, but that’s no reason for getting a boob cake for them on their 13th birthdays! Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this girl’s parents?

6. There is a no more appropriate cake for a 16-year old than one with the Bud Light logo on it….when he or she turns 21 five years later.

Seriously, what the fuck? Putting a Bud Light logo for a 16 year old's birthday cake? Teen drinking is illegal and anyone caught with a Bud Light gets arrested for under aged drinking. It's even worse for adults who serve alcohol to teens. For God's sake, why?

Seriously, what the fuck? Putting a Bud Light logo for a 16 year old’s birthday cake? Teen drinking is illegal and anyone caught with a Bud Light gets arrested for under aged drinking. It’s even worse for adults who serve alcohol to teens. For God’s sake, why?

7. Happy 17th birthday, baby girl, and hope you don’t go into labor at prom.

Those who've seen my post on baby shower cakes would be familiar with this design. And if a pregnant torso cake is bad enough for a baby shower, then one for girl's 17th birthday is just very inappropriate. Seriously, we have 16 and Pregnant, daytime talk shows, and Teen Mom, do we have to have anything else pertaining to teen pregnancy?

Those who’ve seen my post on baby shower cakes would be familiar with this design, which I thought was in very poor taste. And if a pregnant torso cake is bad enough for a baby shower, then one for girl’s 17th birthday is just very inappropriate. Seriously, we have 16 and Pregnant, sex ed, daytime talk shows, and Teen Mom, do we have to have anything else pertaining to teen pregnancy?

8. Sure I’m perfectly fine with a castle cake for a little girl’s birthday party, especially if it has a princess theme. What can possibly go wrong with that?

Then again, perhaps this cake isn't appropriate for Aubrie's birthday party and perhaps more suitable for her bachelorette party when she gets older. Seriously, there's just something phallic about those pink castle towers for some reason. Maybe the baker shouldn't have gone with cones.

Then again, perhaps this cake isn’t appropriate for Aubrie’s birthday party and perhaps more suitable for her bachelorette party when she gets older. Seriously, there’s just something phallic about those pink castle towers for some reason. Maybe the baker shouldn’t have gone with cones.

9. Happy 4th Birthday, Dylan, and by the way, we had Peanut put down.

The parents probably thought their plan was a success since their son Dylan still hadn't learned to read. But still, if Peanut had died when Dylan turned 5, then he probably would've ran out of the room crying. Nevertheless, is there any birthday cake for a 4-year-old more depressing than this?

The parents probably thought their plan was a success since their son Dylan still hadn’t learned to read. But still, if Peanut had died when Dylan turned 5, then he probably would’ve ran out of the room crying. Nevertheless, is there any birthday cake for a 4-year-old more depressing than this?

10. Happy Birthday, to uh, what’s his name again?

Of course, if you're the person at the office who has to order a cake for a co-worker and you can't remember his or her name, then this is the perfect cake for you.

Of course, if you’re the person at the office who has to order a cake for a co-worker and you can’t remember his or her name, then this is the perfect cake for you.

11. Nothing makes a better birthday cake for a 6-year-old girl than one with a lot of dangerous weapons that can kill you, courtesy of the NRA.

Why the fuck would anybody order a birthday cake like that for a little girl? Now gender differences aside, I think a cake pertaining to Disney Princesses, Barbie, or My Little Pony would've been more appropriate. Also, cakes that look pink and feminine as well as catered to little girls. Any of those choices would've been much more appropriate than having a theme for a little girl's cake that advocates violence. I just wonder what's going through Mercedes' parents' minds.

Why the fuck would anybody order a birthday cake like that for a little girl? Now I have nothing against this cake being for a girl. Yet, I think a cake pertaining to Disney Princesses, Barbie, or My Little Pony would’ve done fine (same goes for boys as well). Also, cakes that look pink and feminine as well as catered to little girls (though if boys like that, that’s okay, too). Any of those choices would’ve been much more appropriate for any 6 year old’s cake than a theme advocating violence. I just wonder what’s going through Mercedes’ parents’ minds (NRA diehards who probably did this to show their support for the 2nd Amendment, assholes). This is just fucking insane!

12. Of course, what better venue could there be for a baby’s first birthday than Hooters?

Jesus Christ, can there be a worse place to celebrate a baby's first birthday than at a restaurant known for their scantily clad waitresses with enhanced sex appeal? Then again, there are strip clubs and night clubs. Still, just E. J. is the child of one of the staff.

Jesus Christ, can there be a worse place to celebrate a baby’s first birthday than at a restaurant known for their scantily clad waitresses with enhanced sex appeal? Then again, there are strip clubs and night clubs. Still, just E. J. is the child of one of the staff.

13. No cake theme commemorates a baby’s first birthday better than deer hunting season.

Sure the scenery may be pretty and S. J. won't remember a thing about this special day. But, c'mon, is a cake depicting the last moments of a buck's life an appropriate subject for a first birthday cake? Perhaps it would be better just to remove the hunter.

Sure the scenery may be pretty and S. J. won’t remember a thing about this special day. But, c’mon, is a cake depicting the last moments of a buck’s life an appropriate subject for a first birthday cake? Perhaps it would be better just to remove the hunter.

14. Man, turning a year old must be a big milestone in a person’s life isn’t it?

If by, Levi, you mean your pet hamster, then yes, I'm sure this will do fine since they only live for 2-4 years anyway. However, if by Levi, you mean your child, then what the hell? One year olds are still babies who might be on the verge of walking if they aren't all ready. That isn't over the hill at all. Not even close. That's barely climbing it.

If by, Levi, you mean your pet hamster, then yes, I’m sure this will do fine since they only live for 2-4 years anyway. However, if by Levi, you mean your child, then what the hell? One year olds are still babies who might be on the verge of walking if they aren’t all ready. That isn’t over the hill at all. Not even close even for Benjamin Button. That’s barely climbing it.

15. Happy second, I mean first birthday little Ritchie. I’m confused.

Maybe the boy's parents couldn't get a cake shaped like a 1 so they got him a 2 cake instead. Either that, or the bakers made a mistake. Still, talk about getting your years mixed up.

Maybe the boy’s parents couldn’t get a cake shaped like a 1 so they got him a 2 cake instead. Either that, or the bakers made a mistake. Still, talk about getting your years mixed up.

16. Now this is certainly a first birthday cake with a 1 on it or so it’s suppose to be.

Okay, now that may not look like a 1. Seriously, there's something phallic about that number for some reason. Nevertheless, if a baker can't do a 1 properly, he or she could just have cut a straight line. This cake seems like it's more cut out for a bachelorette party than a baby one.

Okay, now that may not look like a 1. Seriously, there’s something phallic about that number for some reason. Nevertheless, if a baker can’t do a 1 properly, he or she could just have cut a straight line. This cake seems like it’s more cut out for a bachelorette party than a baby one.

17. Best wishes for your second birthday, John, courtesy of angry Big Bird.

If Sesame Street's Big Bird was a character from the Angry Birds game, he'd look like this. Seriously, that's such a a terrible rendition and I'm sure every 2 year old would know that Big Bird doesn't look like that.

If Sesame Street’s Big Bird was a character from the Angry Birds game, he’d look like this. Seriously, that’s such a a terrible rendition and I’m sure every 2 year old would know that Big Bird doesn’t look like that.

18. Hope your birthday is filled with high times, Tawn.

If this cake is made from hashish brownies, then it's safe to say that it probably came from a marijuana bakery from Colorado or Washington. Still, other than the brown patch in the corner, it's a birthday cake Willie Nelson would approve.

If this cake is made from hashish brownies, then it’s safe to say that it probably came from a marijuana bakery from Colorado or Washington. Still, other than the brown patch in the corner, it’s a birthday cake Willie Nelson would approve. Hope the guests manage to toke a piece from this pastry of weed.

19. Happy Birthday, Mel, from your defecating My Little Pony.

Seems that Rarity doesn't take too well to Mexican food for some reason. Either that, or she has a case for diarrhea real bad with a perhaps spastic colon. Guess she should go see the vet about that.

Seems that Rarity (and I had to look her name up) doesn’t take too well to Mexican food for some reason. Either that, or she has a case for diarrhea real bad with a perhaps spastic colon. Guess she should go see the vet about that. Yet, her shitting is a rarity, folks.

19. Of course, you can’t throw a kid’s birthday party without a cake of Cookie Monster having a beer.

Sure cookies may not be nutritious snacks, but at least they're better for Cookie Monster to consume on a child's birthday cake than a swig of beer. Seriously, Cookie Monster's alcohol consumption really isn't making him a good role model on Sesame Street. Still, I kind of wish Cooke Monster would go back to eating cookies.

Sure cookies may not be nutritious snacks, but at least they’re better for Cookie Monster to consume on a child’s birthday cake than a swig of beer. Seriously, Cookie Monster’s alcohol consumption really isn’t making him a good role model on Sesame Street. Still, I kind of wish Cooke Monster would go back to eating cookies. And is that pink spot a nipple? Gross!

20. Happy a-5th Birthday, Tony, courtesy of the 1970s porn incarnation of Mario.

Sure Mario may be wearing overalls, but this isn't really a picture of him I'd like to see on a child's birthday cake, especially for a 5-year-old. Still, Princess Peach must've thought Mario looked sexy in that outfit.

Sure Mario may be wearing overalls, but this isn’t really a picture of him I’d like to see on a child’s birthday cake, especially for a 5-year-old. Still, Princess Peach must’ve thought Mario looked sexy in that outfit.

21. Happy 40th birthday, Shelley, from the Dominatrix Hello Kitty.

This is the kind of birthday cake you give to a woman who has a thing for Hello Kitty as well as the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy. What would even be funnier would be if Hello Kitty was with a grey Tomcat in this one. Nevertheless, unlike some of the other cakes so far, this is at least age appropriate despite its disturbing implications.

This is the kind of birthday cake you give to a woman who has a thing for Hello Kitty as well as the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy. What would even be funnier would be if Hello Kitty was with a grey Tomcat in this one. Nevertheless, unlike some of the other cakes so far, this is at least age appropriate and doesn’t promote bad behavior despite its disturbing implications.

22. Nothing makes a better birthday cake than one depicting a standing 2 legged horse with chainsaws.

If Leatherface wanted a pony when he was growing up, this bronco would've been perfect. Still, whoever came up with this idea must not have been right in the head to say the least. That, or probably thought a cake with a horse and chainsaws would've been cool.

If Leatherface wanted a pony when he was growing up, this bronco would’ve been perfect. Still, whoever came up with this idea must not have been right in the head to say the least. That, or probably thought a cake with a horse and chainsaws would’ve been cool.

23. You see, kids, unicorns do expel rainbows from their behinds.

Of course, we all know that horses shit a lot, do we? Still, unlike the boob cake, this is certainly appropriate for a 13 year old girl. Disgusting, but appropriate.

Of course, we all know that horses shit a lot, do we? Still, unlike the boob cake, this is certainly appropriate for a 13 year old girl. Disgusting, but appropriate.

24. Nothing says, “Happy Birthday” better for a girl than a dangerous impaling unicorn on the rampage.

Still, while the other unicorn cake was probably accidental in the design, this one was probably done on purpose. I'm sure Katherine isn't a young girl in the least. Still, despite being traumatizing to kids, it's pretty funny.

Still, while the other unicorn cake was probably accidental in the design, this one was probably done on purpose. I’m sure Katherine isn’t a young girl in the least. Still, despite being traumatizing to kids, it’s pretty funny.

25. Happy Birthday, Scott, from Shitting Bull.

Of course, with Scott being at least a teenager, I'm sure he'd find a cake like this hilarious. Seriously, there's a lot of bathroom humor on Comedy Central, which is a channel popular for boys his age.

Of course, with Scott being at least a teenager, I’m sure he’d find a cake like this hilarious. Seriously, there’s a lot of bathroom humor on Comedy Central, which is a channel popular for boys his age.

26. Of course, for a 4 year old girl, you can’t go wrong with a horse cake.

Man, that horse sure looks creepy and it doesn't seem in the mood for sugar cubes. Perhaps it's after little girls' souls.

Man, that horse sure looks creepy and it doesn’t seem in the mood for sugar cubes. Perhaps it’s after little girls’ souls. Still, at least it doesn’t look like it’s from The Godfather.

27. Now this would be a perfect cake for someone in the exterminating business.

Then again, the dead hamster on its wheel kind of suggests that it wasn't ordered by a person who had much esteem for the guest of honor. In fact, he or she is probably someone who let the other person watch their pet hamster who died while he or she was on vacation. Still, it's possible that the hamster probably was 2-4 years old and died of natural causes.

Then again, the dead hamster on its wheel kind of suggests that it wasn’t ordered by a person who had much esteem for the guest of honor. In fact, he or she is probably someone who let the other person watch their pet hamster who died while he or she was on vacation. Still, it’s possible that the hamster probably was 2-4 years old and died of natural causes.

28. Looks like somebody doesn’t like Jarman.

This cake was supposed to say, "Happy Birthday, Jarman/You're an ace." Guess that someone really doesn't know the difference between "ass" or "ace" or the person ordering it just had really bad handwriting.

This cake was supposed to say, “Happy Birthday, Jarman/You’re an ace.” Guess that someone really doesn’t know the difference between “ass” or “ace” or the person ordering it just had really bad handwriting.

29. Of course, when it comes to little girl birthday cakes, you can’t go wrong with Disney Princesses.

Okay, some baker managed to make many of the Disney princesses I grew up with seem strangely terrifying for some reason. Seriously, these look so freaky looking.

Okay, some baker managed to make many of the Disney princesses I grew up with seem strangely terrifying for some reason. Seriously, these look so freaky looking.

30. Happy 3rd Birthday, Princess Alyssa, from drunken skank whore Belle.

Man, and I thought Belle was supposed to be one of the best role models of all the Disney Princesses, sans the Stockholm Syndrome involved. Not to mention, Beauty and the Beast was my favorite Disney movie as a little girl. My childhood is ruined.

Man, and I thought Belle was supposed to be one of the best role models of all the Disney Princesses, sans the Stockholm Syndrome involved. Not to mention, Beauty and the Beast was my favorite Disney movie as a little girl. My childhood is ruined.

31. Now perhaps Snow White is a safe cake idea. What can go wrong with her?

Yikes! For God's sake what's with the hand coming out from her dress? Seriously, that's just terrifying if you ask me. That's not normal at all.

Yikes! For God’s sake what’s with the hand coming out from her dress? Seriously, that’s just terrifying if you ask me. That’s not normal at all.

32. Okay, so perhaps a princess birthday cake doesn’t need to be from Disney then.

So I suppose that this is the princess from "The Frog Prince" story transformed into a menacing evil sorceress. Then again, from what I read about it, the frog was kind of an asshole who thought she owed him sex after he found her golden ball from the well.

So I suppose that this is the princess from “The Frog Prince” story transformed into a menacing evil sorceress. Then again, from what I read about it, the frog was kind of an asshole who thought she owed him sex after he found her golden ball from the well.

33. Happy Birthday, to the unemployed 34-year-old person who hasn’t moved out of his or parents’ house yet.

Even funnier is that hist cake is decorated with a pacifier and Barbie rings. Still, the message is kind of sad yet fairly funny at the same time.

Even funnier is that hist cake is decorated with a pacifier and Barbie rings. Still, the message is kind of sad yet fairly funny at the same time.

35. Nothing makes a better birthday cake than one depicting a person guillotining him or herself.

Then again, Neil may just be a professor of history who's area of expertise is the French Revolution. Still, quite gory if you ask me and very likely to traumatize children.

Then again, Neil may just be a professor of history who’s area of expertise is the French Revolution. Still, quite gory if you ask me and guaranteed to traumatize children.

36. Now what better cake for a 4 year old boy than one depicting his favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? What can possibly go wrong with that?

Seems like life hasn't been going too well for Leonardo. Yet, why try to stab himself in the head for God's sake? Still, better call the suicidal hotline, pronto.

Seems like life hasn’t been going too well for Leonardo. Yet, why try to stab himself in the head for God’s sake? Still, better call the suicidal hotline, pronto.

37. A Buzz Lightyear cake. Surely, nothing bad can happen here.

Okay, so is Buzz Lightyear supposed to be an Egyptian Pharaoh or a space explorer. Having seen Toy Story, I'd say space explorer but he looks pretty stiff like a Pharaoh's sarcophagus.

Okay, so is Buzz Lightyear supposed to be an Egyptian Pharaoh or a space explorer. Having seen Toy Story, I’d say space explorer but he looks pretty stiff like a Pharaoh’s sarcophagus.

38. I’m sure a 3-year-old would delight in this Dora the Explorer cake.

Okay, so this baker seems to have done the unthinkable. Make the adorable Dora the Explorer utterly terrifying through the motif of of Pre-Columbian art or just plain terrible artistry. Still, this cake is bound to give little Lily nightmares when she sees this. Jesus Christ.

Okay, so this baker seems to have done the unthinkable. Make the adorable Dora the Explorer utterly terrifying through the motif of of Pre-Columbian art or just plain terrible artistry. Still, this cake is bound to give little Lily nightmares when she sees this. Jesus Christ.

39. Of course, clowns are often a theme of many kids’ cakes. Apparently parents seem to find them acceptable decor for some reason. Let’s see how this one figures out.

Actually I think clowns are quite freaky, lame, and perhaps scary. Unsurprisingly, I find this horrifying for obvious reasons. May lead any small child into a lifetime of therapy.

Actually I think clowns are quite freaky, lame, and perhaps scary. Unsurprisingly, I find this horrifying for obvious reasons. May lead any small child into a lifetime of therapy.

40. Now I’m sure a caterpillar is perfect for a baby’s first birthday cake. Nothing can go wrong with that.

Now I don't know about you but that is perhaps the scariest caterpillar I've ever seen. Makes me unlikely to want to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar ever again.

Now I don’t know about you but that is perhaps the scariest caterpillar I’ve ever seen. Makes me unlikely to want to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar ever again.

41. Oh, boy, a baseball cake. Perhaps there may be some scandals with steroid use in the MLB but I’m sure this is a perfectly appropriate cake theme for a boy’s birthday.

Okay, that now that long phallic thing certainly looks woody but it in now way resembles a baseball bat to me. Yet, I'm not sure if this 6-year-old birthday boy seems to notice. If he does, then he might find it funny.

Okay, that now that long phallic log certainly looks woody and hard but it in now way resembles a baseball bat to me. Yet, I’m not sure if this 6-year-old birthday boy seems to notice. If he does, then he might find it funny. Not sure if it would hit a home run with the parents though.

42. Now I’m sure a bear won’t do any harm for a baby boy’s first birthday cake.

For those who've learned how to write in cursive, you'd know exactly why I included this cake on this post. By the way, the boy''s name in question is supposed to be, "Tucker." Yeah. The bear is fine, by the way.

For those who’ve learned how to write in cursive, you’d know exactly why I included this cake on this post. By the way, the boy”s name in question is supposed to be, “Tucker.” Yeah. The bear is fine, by the way.

43. Happy first Birthday, Vanessa, from the homicidal giraffe.

I know that's just red icing but it just reminds me of blood for some reason. Also, that giraffe is utterly terrifying if you ask me. Yes, he's out to kill and he will find you!

I know that’s just red icing but it just reminds me of blood for some reason. Also, that giraffe is utterly terrifying if you ask me. Yes, he’s out to kill and he will find you!

44. Superheroes are certainly a decent party theme for boy’s birthdays at any age, even if it’s Marvel’s Avengers.

Still, if your son is turning 3, perhaps a cake depicting Thor's hammer isn't a good idea. I mean there's a chance that Mjolnir might have the tendency to resemble male genitalia. Just saying.

Still, if your son is turning 3, perhaps a cake depicting Thor’s hammer isn’t a good idea. I mean there’s a chance that Mjolnir might have the tendency to resemble male genitalia. Just saying.

45. If you’re kid likes marine life, a fish cake is certainly a decent choice.

Nevertheless, if you present a cake like this to little Tyler it's very likely he's going to cry if he knows about fish corpses floating at the surface upside down. Seriously, unless the parents turn the fish around, this is a pretty sad birthday cake for children. I mean birthdays are supposed to be happy occasions, not reminding kids of death.

Nevertheless, if you present a cake like this to little Tyler it’s very likely he’s going to cry if he knows about fish corpses floating at the surface upside down. Seriously, unless the parents turn the fish around, this is a pretty sad birthday cake for children. I mean birthdays are supposed to be happy occasions, not reminding kids of death.

46. I think it’s rather nice for 6 year old Jeff to show his feminine side.

Actually this cake is for a little 6 year old girl named Jess. Yeah, I have no idea how any decorator could make that mistake, especially on a birthday cake that's obviously for a girl. I mean Jeff is definitely a boy's name.

Actually this cake is for a little 6 year old girl named Jess. Yeah, I have no idea how any decorator could make that mistake, especially on a birthday cake that’s obviously for a girl. I mean Jeff is definitely a boy’s name.

47. As I know from watching my cousins grow up, Thomas the Tank Engine is very popular. Nonetheless, he’s become a viable birthday theme for young boys.

Seems that Thomas is very keen on running somebody over right now. Seriously, his eyes have this kind of a possessed look like a serial killer intent on killing somebody for the thrill of it all.

Seems that Thomas is very keen on running somebody over right now. Seriously, his eyes have this kind of a possessed look like a serial killer intent on killing somebody for the thrill of it all.

48. Now lighthouses make great picturesque sights in photos and paintings. So it’s only natural they should be on birthday cakes.

Seems like Billy Joel wasn't the only one working with the rod and the reel in "Downeaster Alexa." And if you saw this cake, you can even say it glows.

Seems like Billy Joel wasn’t the only one working with the rod and the reel in “Downeaster Alexa.” At least you don’t need to tell this baker’s wife he’s trawling Atlantis but I’m not sure he has his hands on the wheel.

49. Happy Birthday Jamie sponsored by Chevron, the company fracking land in my neighborhood (bastards).

Of course, the person who ordered this cake, wanted a chevron shape on this cake since the recipient is in the military. Instead, they got a a Big Oil company logo that's now causing widespread environmental damage. Not to mention, it's known for apologizing for a devastating gas well explosion to Greene County by giving them coupons for pizza and pop. Seriously, look it up.

Of course, the person who ordered this cake, wanted a chevron shape on this cake since the recipient is in the military. Instead, they got a a Big Oil company logo that’s now causing widespread environmental damage. Not to mention, it’s known for apologizing for a devastating gas explosion to Greene County by giving them coupons for pizza and pop. Lamest apology ever. Seriously, this really happened.

50. Of course, nothing says, “Happy Birthday” better than a cake of a headless woman in a poodle skirt.

Sure this cake won't frighten the kids, honestly. Yeah, right. Still, this woman is said to be a direct descendant of the Headless Horseman from The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.

Sure this cake won’t frighten the kids, honestly. Yeah, right. Still, this woman is said to be a direct descendant of the Headless Horseman from The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.

51. Now while Barney the Purple Dinosaur makes adults want to scream, he should be perfect for a child’s 4th birthday cake.

I have to admit, this ferocious Barney the Purple Dinosaur is actually kind of cool as well as an improvement to the original. However, this incarnation might make little Patrick pee his pants upon sight. But still, I can't blame the baker.

I have to admit, this ferocious Barney the Purple Dinosaur is actually kind of cool as well as an improvement to the original. However, this incarnation might make little Patrick pee his pants upon sight. But still, I can’t blame the baker.

52. Of course, when it comes to fairy tale themes on kids’ cakes, I’m sure you can’t go wrong with “The Three Little Pigs.”

On second thought, maybe "The Three Little Pigs" wasn't a good idea for 5-year-old Phillipas birthday cake. Yes, the Big Bad Wolf chasing his bacon will probably cause little kids nightmares. Of course, in the original version, he eats the first 2.

On second thought, maybe “The Three Little Pigs” wasn’t a good idea for 5-year-old Phillipas birthday cake. Yes, the Big Bad Wolf chasing his bacon will probably cause little kids nightmares. Of course, in the original version, he eats the first 2.

53. Of course, nothing commemorates a boy’s first birthday than a cake with elephants.

Oh, my God, have I ever seen a first birthday cake so depressing as this? I mean the elephants on this cake look as if they're all dead. Seriously, a first birthday cake is no platform to protest the black market ivory trade that funds terrorism and hurts the environment. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with this decorator?

Oh, my God, have I ever seen a first birthday cake so depressing as this? I mean the elephants on this cake look as if they’re all dead. Seriously, a first birthday cake is no platform to protest the black market ivory trade that funds terrorism and hurts the environment. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with this decorator?

54. Of course, when it comes to birthday cakes, some decorators follow order directions to perfection.

Then there are some cake decorators who write on the cakes everything they heard on the phone as well. Still, at least this one followed directions, but maybe a little overboard.

Then there are some cake decorators who write on the cakes everything they heard on the phone as well. Still, at least this one followed directions, but maybe a little overboard.

55. Of course, birthday cakes aren’t always for kids. This one is for an older guy as seen by the wheelchair.

Okay, I'm not sure why they call a wheelchair bound guy "Chucknuts" and I really don't want to know. Then again, this could just be for a party with the guy's friends, not his grandchildren.

Okay, I’m not sure why they call a wheelchair bound guy “Chucknuts” and I really don’t want to know. Then again, this could just be for a party with the guy’s friends, not his grandchildren.

56. For a 4-year-old girl, you can’t go wrong with just a standard cake with flowers.

Sure the yellow flowers are pretty, but wait a minute. What the hell is a burning house doing here for God's sake? Still, I'm sure it won't traumatize little Isabella. Yeah right.

Sure the yellow flowers are pretty, but wait a minute. What the hell is a burning house doing here for God’s sake? Still, I’m sure it won’t traumatize little Isabella. Yeah right.

57. For a young boy, I’m sure this shorts cake will do quite nicely.

There's something rising from this cake's shorts. And as I can see it from the candles, Eamon is at least 8 years old. And a Joe Boxer cake is certainly not appropriate for a boy that age. Basically the boy's version of the boob cake. Seriously, what the hell were they thinking?

There’s something rising from this cake’s shorts. And as I can see it from the candles, Eamon is at least 8 years old. And a Joe Boxer cake is certainly not appropriate for a boy that age. Basically the boy’s version of the boob cake. Seriously, what the hell were they thinking?

58. Happy 7th Birthday, Kailey, and by the way, you’re going to die.

I know we must all die someday. But is really all right to bring this up on a 7-year-old girl's birthday cake? Sure she may have a birthday near Halloween but still. I'm not sure a tombstone cake is a good idea.

I know we must all die someday. But is really all right to bring this up on a 7-year-old girl’s birthday cake? Sure she may have a birthday near Halloween but still. I’m not sure a tombstone cake is a good idea.

59. Looks like somebody’s holding a grudge here.

Okay, let's just hope this cake isn't at some party with the guest of honor surrounded by friends and family. Because that would be bad. And let's just say, this is about as inappropriate as they come.

Okay, let’s just hope this cake isn’t at some party with the guest of honor surrounded by friends and family. Because that would be bad. And let’s just say, this is about as inappropriate as they come.

60. Nevertheless, you can’t go wrong with space aliens here, especially when it pertains to a 2-year-old’s birthday.

Now the space aliens on this cake are find. It's just that the cake decorator seemed to think their faces were upside down, and thus that's why the writing is what it is. Still, the kid's 2 so it's not like he'll notice anyway.

Now the space aliens on this cake are find. It’s just that the cake decorator seemed to think their faces were upside down, and thus that’s why the writing is what it is. Still, the kid’s 2 so it’s not like he’ll notice anyway.

61. Happy Birthday….or not.

Seriously, if you were going to stage an intervention about someone's drinking problem, I'd sure as hell wouldn't think writing it on the cake is a good idea. Just saying.

Seriously, if you were going to stage an intervention about someone’s drinking problem, I’d sure as hell wouldn’t think writing it on the cake is a good idea. Just saying.

62. Seems like Kathy isn’t well liked by those who are supposed to love her. So sad.

According to the candle count, it's possible that Kathy is 4 years old. It may not be the case, but if she is, chances are she'll probably throw a tantrum at her party, if she's able to read it.

According to the candle count, it’s possible that Kathy is 4 years old. It may not be the case, but if she is, chances are she’ll probably throw a tantrum at her party, if she’s able to read it. Still, that’s pretty cruel.

63. Some cake decorators follow directions all too well, while others not in the intended context.

Of course, who ever ordered this birthday cake severely overestimated the cake decorator's intelligence. Seriously, the person just wrote, "the picture is in the flash drive" instead of getting the picture from the flash drive.

Of course, who ever ordered this birthday cake severely overestimated the cake decorator’s intelligence. Seriously, the person just wrote, “the picture is on the flash drive” instead of getting the picture from the flash drive.

64. Sure a donkey birthday cake is a splendid idea. Nothing can possibly go wrong with that.

Let's just say, you probably don't want to invite this cake decorator to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey. I mean even if he or she doesn't have blind fold, they still don't have any idea where a donkey's tail should be.

Let’s just say, you probably don’t want to invite this cake decorator to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey. I mean even if he or she doesn’t have blind fold, they still don’t have any idea where a donkey’s tail should be.

65. Of course, for ladies who enjoy sleazy Harlequin Romance novels, I’m sure a shirtless guy taking his pants off would just be the perfect cake for you.

Oh, no. Just no. Please, I'd perfectly fine if that cake was for a woman but Tracy is supposed to be a 14-year-old girl. Seriously, couldn't her parents just order a cake with The Hunger Games theme instead? At least that would've been more appropriate since the books are in the Young Adult genre.

Oh, no. Just no. Please, I’d perfectly fine if that cake was for a woman but Tracy is supposed to be a 14-year-old girl. Seriously, couldn’t her parents just order a cake with The Hunger Games theme instead? At least that would’ve been more appropriate since the books are in the Young Adult genre.

66. Now that Ashley has turned 18, she can start buying menthols for the whole family.

Seriously, just because a someone's able to buy cigarettes after they turn 18, doesn't mean a cigarette themed cake is a good idea. In fact, it's certainly not. I mean tobacco addiction is a worldwide health issue, which kills people every day from respiratory disease, cancer, COPD, emphysema.  and other wonderful chronic and life threatening ailments.

Seriously, just because a someone’s able to buy cigarettes after they turn 18, doesn’t mean a cigarette themed cake is a good idea since tobacco kills a third of its users. In fact, it’s certainly not. I mean tobacco addiction is a worldwide health issue, which kills people every day from respiratory disease, cancer, COPD, emphysema. and other wonderful chronic and life threatening ailments.

67. Happy 20th Birthday, alleged teen dad.

This may either be an anniversary cake or a birthday cake with a typo. Either way, the 20th doesn't glowingly reflect his parenting skills. Seriously, most 20-year-old dads are either deadbeats or don't even know they are dads in the first place. Sure there may be some responsible dads that age, but they're a rarity.

This may either be a wedding anniversary cake or a birthday cake with a typo. Either way, the 20th doesn’t glowingly reflect his parenting skills. Seriously, most 20-year-old dads are either deadbeats or don’t even know they are dads in the first place. Sure there may be some responsible dads that age, but they’re a rarity.

68. If you have any Republicans in your family, celebrate their birthdays with a one of a kind Ronald Reagan cake.

Now I am not a fan of Ronald Reagan and don't think of him as a great president (in truth I view him as quite the opposite). However, I understand that many Republicans view him on the same level of Jesus for some reason. Nevertheless, even if you know a Republican who has a birthday, you probably want to keep politics out of it. Seriously, such subject can really ruin a party.

Now I am not a fan of Ronald Reagan and don’t think of him as a great president (in truth I view him as quite the opposite). However, I understand that many Republicans view him on the same level of Jesus for some reason. Nevertheless, even if you know a Republican who has a birthday, you probably want to keep politics out of it. Seriously, such subject can really ruin a party.

69. Happy 9th Birthday, sweetie, courtesy of Pedobear.

Okay, I know Pedobear is a character used to detect and make fun of pedophiles on the internet. However, this doesn't mean he's the kind of character you'd want on a 9-year-old's cake. Also, "herd" should be "heard."

Okay, I know Pedobear is a character used to detect and make fun of pedophiles on the internet. However, this doesn’t mean he’s the kind of character you’d want on a 9-year-old’s cake. Also, “herd” should be “heard.”

70. Now I have no problem with Spiderman being on a boy’s birthday cake since they love superheros.

Peter Parker, I know you're probably a young man. However, maybe it's not a good idea to twerk in front of kids, especially in your Spiderman suit. Okay?

Peter Parker, I know you’re probably a nice young man who the kids view as a role model. However, maybe it’s not a good idea to twerk in front of kids, especially in your Spiderman suit. Okay?

71. Of course, if you don’t think icing is a good idea for letters, maybe you should go with sugar letters seen at any grocery store.

Now seriously, that's a really mean thing to say to a 6-year-old, especially on his or her birthday.  I mean the kid's most likely in kindergarten for God's sake, even if that may be true.

Now seriously, that’s a really mean thing to say to a 6-year-old, especially on his or her birthday. I mean the kid’s most likely in kindergarten for God’s sake, even if that may be true.

72. When it comes to boys, I’m sure a birthday cake theme of his favorite video game will do no harm.

Unless it's a Grand Theft Auto cake for a 4-year-old. I mean that game is rated M for Mature due to violence and adult content. Seriously, this cake is not appropriate for a 4-year-old all. Nevertheless, what does a cake like this say about Lil' Derrick's parents for God's sake?

Unless it’s a Grand Theft Auto cake for a 4-year-old. I mean that game is rated M for Mature due to violence and adult content. Seriously, this cake is not appropriate for a 4-year-old all. Nevertheless, what does a cake like this say about Lil’ Derrick’s parents for God’s sake?

73. Now that this guy has turned 21, he can finally have a birthday cake of a stripper butt and a glass of beer.

Now just because turning 2l makes a guy legally eligible to enter a strip club or drink, doesn't mean you should commemorate that eligibility with a birthday cake. Not to mention, there are plenty of guys who are probably not into strip clubs anyway. Nevertheless, wouldn't be surprised if this cake was made for a frat boy.

Now just because turning 21 makes a guy legally eligible to enter a strip club or drink, doesn’t mean you should commemorate that eligibility with a birthday cake. Not to mention, there are plenty of guys who are probably not into strip clubs anyway. Nevertheless, wouldn’t be surprised if this cake was made for a frat boy or NCAA Division I college athlete.

74. Sure a baby picture cake seems like a cute and wholesome idea.

Okay, now that's a baby is just creepy. And even if Kelly looked like that, she was probably cuter. This baby seems like it wants to suck the soul out every person she encounters.

Okay, now that’s a baby is just creepy. And even if Kelly looked like that, she was probably cuter. This baby seems like it wants to suck the soul out every person she encounters.

75. Now I may not like Playboy, but I see nothing wrong with having a Playboy cake for a grown man’s birthday.

Jesus Christ! This is for a 12-year-old girl, which is just wrong. Seriously, now I have nothing against Holly having a bunny cake for her birthday. But a Playboy Bunny cake, well, that's just inappropriate on many levels.

Jesus Christ! This is for a 12-year-old girl, which is just wrong. Seriously, now I have nothing against Holly having a bunny cake for her birthday. But a Playboy Bunny cake, well, that’s just inappropriate on many levels. I wonder why her parents would even think of  ordering this.

76. Of course, when it comes to big birthday parties, sometimes 2 cakes are  better than one.

You'd think this is for a mother's 30th birthday party. Yet, when you see the other cake, turns out it's actually for her 60th. Nevertheless, pretty mean if you ask me.

You’d think this is for a mother’s 30th birthday party. Yet, when you see the other cake, turns out it’s actually for her 60th. Nevertheless, pretty mean if you ask me.

77. Happy Birthday, Dana, and if you’re scratching in your nether region, that that was me. Sorry.

Sure this cake may not be appropriate for a birthday, but at least the guy let Dana know about his STD and apologized. Also, he remembered her birthday and sent her a cake for the occasion. A lot of guys don't even do any of that.

Sure this cake may not be appropriate for a birthday, but at least the guy let Dana know about his STD and apologized. Also, he remembered her birthday and sent her a cake for the occasion. A lot of guys don’t even do any of that.

78. Now I’m sure a birthday cake with cars is perfectly fine for a boy.

Hmm, seems like there's been an accident on the the intersection, which could've been prevented with simply installing a goddamn traffic light. Then again, it's probably a country road. And now the birthday boy's just wet his pants. Still, the car position reminds me of Matthew Crawley's death scene from Season 3 of Downton Abbey.

Hmm, seems like there’s been an accident on the the intersection, which could’ve been prevented with simply installing a goddamn traffic light. Then again, it’s probably a country road. And now the birthday boy’s just wet his pants. Still, the car position reminds me of Matthew Crawley’s death scene from Season 3 of Downton Abbey.

79. Have a hairy Birthday, Emma, courtesy of 1970s Tom Selleck.

Then again, maybe Emma is a fan of Tom Selleck and his hairy chest. Still, doesn't help that he looks like a creepy 1970s porn star on this cake. By the way, his chest hair is represented by sprinkles.

Then again, maybe Emma is a fan of Tom Selleck and his hairy chest. Still, doesn’t help that he looks like a creepy 1970s porn star on this cake. By the way, his chest hair is represented by sprinkles.

80. Of course, I wonder if birthday cakes actually look like this from The Wire.

And if it was ordered by a character from The Wire, I wonder who made the request. Was it: a. Jimmy McNulty for one of his kids. b. Bunk Moreland for his wife or one of his kids, c. Cedric Daniels for Ronnie, d. One of the Barksdales, e. Someone else from the Baltimore Police Department, or f. all of the above. All I know is, it ain't from Omar for he doesn't swear at all but watch out for his shotgun.

And if it was ordered by a character from The Wire, I wonder who made the request. Was it: a. Jimmy McNulty for one of his kids. b. Bunk Moreland for his wife or one of his kids, c. Cedric Daniels for Ronnie, d. One of the Barksdales, e. Someone else from the Baltimore Police Department, or f. all of the above. All I know is, it ain’t from Omar for he doesn’t swear at all but watch out for his shotgun.

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