Welcome Aboard to the Maritime World of Boats

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Whether to get across a large body of water, fish, or just to cruise around, boats have always been with us. From the small paddle boats to the humongous cruise ships across the ocean, you’ll find plenty of all shapes and sizes. This is especially the case during the summer. At that time you’ll find rowboats, canoes, and kayaks on the rivers, lakes, and streams. While you may see sailboats and yachts on the oceans. Other boats include cargo ships, fishing boats, house boats, barges, tugboats, motorboats, gondolas, and pontoon boats. However, some of these boats you see on the water can be quite unusual these days, which is where I come in. So for your reading pleasure, I give you a treasure trove of boats that’ll make you scratch your heads if you saw them floating by.

  1. Bet you didn’t know a boat can have wings.

It’s actually a hovercraft with glider features. And by the way, they normally can’t fly unlike what you’d see in the Hunger Games.

2. If you’re an old timey spy, this boat might suit you.

It’s an old-fashioned amphibious vehicle. You’ll see a few of these on this post. Yet, this one resembles what you’d see in a 1960s spy movie.

3. You can go far on the water with this sneaker.

Yes, this is a giant shoe boat. And it seems like it has a motor inside it. Need I say more?

4. Now you don’t need to leave the lake if you want to soak into a hot tub.

Sure it’s impossible to make a hot tub time machine. But jacuzzi boats exist which looks quite strange, indeed.

5. Never thought I’d see a pumpkin boat before.

From what I see, I think they have a race involving these enormous pumpkin boats. Wonder what they use to make them so huge. Gamma rays?

6. While hotdogs normally get soggy in water, may I make an exception?

And this one is made of metal while equipped with a motor. Wonder if it serves hotdogs to boat racers.

7. Sometimes you just have to choose an unusual picnic spot.

Though having one on the water is kind of a stretch. But I guess you can always attach logs for buoyancy.

8. A motor boat must always make an impression.

This one is painted in bright red and yellow. So you can see it from miles away.

9. Perhaps a small, sleek, geometric boat might suit you.

Though it’s only available in black. And you most likely can’t afford it.

10. If you want a more naturalistic houseboat, we’ve got you covered.

This one seems to resemble a small cave home. Though I’m sure the rock facade is fake.

11. All you need to make a boat is a motor and a large dining room table.

Well, that seems to work for some reason. But not exactly the ideal boat most people would have in mind.

12. How about a tiki bar on the water?

It’s a pontoon boat with a bar, deck chairs, and artificial grass. You can even try to play golf on it.

13. Need a lift from the lake? This is the boat for you.

Yet, another boat that can fly. This one combines a small motor boat and an ultralight plane.

14. Let’s hope nobody runs into a pirate ship in traffic.

It’s an amphibious pirate ship, all right. But don’t worry, they only rob tractor trailer trucks.

15. When you’re stuck on the river’s shore, a truck bed boat comes in handy.

Indeed, you’ll find quite of few boats people made themselves in this post. This consists of a bed from an old Dodge.

16. Well, never saw a fly that big on the water before.

Well, it’s a large zipper fly. But it runs on water, not on teeth.

17. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the hamma kayak.

This is one consists of a hammock and a kayak. But unlike most kayaks, it has shade.

18. Perhaps you’d like a small cottage on the water.

It’s just a small house on a barge. Still, it’s rather quaint.

19. This seems to give a fishing boat a whole new meaning.

Well, it’s a literal fish boat. But it’s seems more suited for the winter weather as you can see.

20. Whether on ice or water, best take an Arctic Ant.

It’s also known as a hydrocopter. And it’s a boat suited for adverse conditions as far as I know.

21. Got a shit load of cans? Make a boat out of it.

Though it’ll take a lot of cans. And make sure they’re washed and dried before assembly.

22. Now that’s what I call a recreational vehicle.

Indeed, most people can’t go on the water in an RV. But this is an exception, apparently.

23. Want to fly from the water? Just add wings.

I know this is another boat the flies. But I’m not sure if the wings did the trick in this case.

24. Perhaps you want to ride the waves in comfort.

This one has a couch on a pontoon. And it seems this family is enjoying themselves.

25. Apparently, a giant guitar makes a great floatation device.

This large guitar may not make a great instrument. But it’s perfect for a hipster’s boat trip across the river.

26. You’d find this small boat almost transparent.

And yes, it’s certainly made of plastic. But you can what’s underneath the water on the floor.

27. This boat operates on paddle power.

Seems like it’s a boat with an exercise machine. But the machine powers the boat.

28. With this boat, it’s some assembly required.

It’s a boat kit boat. Includes oars, rudder, and something resembling a motor, apparently.

29. You’ll find this boat out of the blue.

Since it’s mostly blue without it. But I don’t think it blends in the sky.

30. You’d almost assume this boat was folded.

It’s based on Japanese origami design. And I hope it’s not made out of real paper.

31. An amphibious vehicle should always have the right varnish.

It’s a car boat made out of wood. And for some reason actually seems to work.

32. Speaking of amphibious vehicles, this red boat car is state of the art.

Indeed, you probably cant’ afford it. But it’s quite stunning on the water.

33. Care for music on the water?

As you can see, this guy has his instruments all laid out. While his boat is painted in all kinds of colors. Don’t ask if he has weed.

34. A houseboat should always be one’s castle.

However, I don’t think medieval house boats looked like that. Since they’d more likely be made of wood and have sails.

35. I guess this car boat is used for safari tours.

Though it doesn’t seem to offer much protection. Since you can stick your head out the windows.

36. You’d almost think this car boat has Formula 1 caliber.

Since this boat seems to resemble a race car. But it works well in land or on the water.

37. Perhaps you may prefer a fancy wooden ship.

Yet, this seems to take the notion to unrealistic proportions. I mean real wooden ships were never that colorful.

38. Wonder how well you can row a cup.

This is seen as a coffee cup boat. And yes, it includes a saucer.

39. Behold, I give you the Cosmic Muffin.

I know it resembles a space shuttle you’d see on Star Trek. But it’s a boat recycled from a Howard Hughes plane.

40. If you want to stand out, a boat like this might do the trick.

What is that large black thing on the front of it? Is it a loudspeaker? Or something else?

41. You got to pedal hard to move a waterwheel.

Well, it’s a paddle wheel more or less. And there’s really not much room on it either.

42. This Earth Race boat will come in handy for supervillains.

Because it seems exactly like the boat you’d imagine Lex Luthor to have. And yes, it seems rather menacing.

43. If you’re stranded on a deserted island, why I have a boat for you.

It mostly consists of a tent on a sail raft. Then again, in some deserted island situations, this might not be feasible.

44. Perhaps you might want a boat in pink.

Yes, it’s the kind of boat you’d imagine Barbie to have. But this one is life size and way more expensive.

45. Aaaah! Shark!

Don’t worry. it’s just a shark submarine. Still, it looks really cool.

46. I give you the royal swan boat.

While swan boats exist, they’re nothing compared to this boat. Wonder if it’s a ferry.

47. This marlin seems to have a lot to say.

Not sure if I can make out the words. But this fish boat seems to have whimsical quality to it.

48. Hope you can get a load of these fly boats.

These are quite small compared to the other fly boats I’ve shown. Yet, they must be a sight to behold in the sky.

49. Check out this foot print boat across the water.

Of course, this kind of resembles something you’d see from a sci-fi shoe or movie. Yet, it doesn’t impress onlookers.

50. I’m sure you can enjoy a gazebo anywhere.

Well, it’s more like a gazebo house boat. But at least it includes a nice porch to fish from.

51. To keep up with the times, a boat car needs a sleek design.

If it was just a road car, it would’ve been considerably cheaper. Since it seems to resemble a slightly more expensive sedan.

52. Someone’s yacht must come with a glass top.

Yet, another sci-fi looking boat on the water. Seems like one Padme would vacation in on Naboo.

53. Sometimes it helps to rest on the water in style.

This one has a high chair with empty plastic barrels. Would be perfect for any lifeguard.

54. Never thought I’d see a houseboat like this before.

It seems to resemble an actual house with siding. Though it includes 2 decks and ladders.

55. You’d think this house boat came from a junk yard.

Well, it’s made from an old bus and other parts. But you can see how it can fit in a house boat design.

56. This house boat has some rather tropical luxury accommodations.

This one is more suited for island areas near the Equator. But the roof almost makes it seem like it’s somewhat affordable.

57. Where are the sails on this thing?

You have to wonder about that. Still, what are those tall things supposed to be? I can’t even imagine.

58. Perhaps this boat can be a bridge on the waterways.

Heard this is called a Proteus ship. Yet, it’s the kind of boat with its own jet skis, apparently.

59. With this camper, you can have your site on water or land.

Well, that’s one way to make a house boat. Still, don’t forget to have chairs for a patio.

60. Sometimes it helps if you raise the trailer up a bit.

Yet, another redneck house boat. And one that can really use a paint job since it’s quite rusty.

61. A boat of reeds can surely float.

Though it appears rather flammable if you ask me. Still, the figurehead is quite cute.

62. This rowboat operates on solar power.

You’d think she wouldn’t need oars for a solar powered boat. But you’d be wrong.

63. May I give you the Sea Shadow.

This is supposed to be the naval equivalent to a stealth plane. Though it seems like the kind of boat you’d imagine Darth Vader using.

64. Oh, my God, it’s a Orca on the shore!

Actually it’s an orca submarine. And yes, it can jump out of the water.

65. This boat runs with the sun.

And yet, this boat is made by the genius company behind the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. And that is why I oppose offshore oil drilling.

66. Looks like these settlers decided to row across the river.

Sadly, after their crossing, Brad would later fall ill and die of dysentery. He will be missed.

67. I dub thee the HMS Wooden Subby.

Yes, it’s supposed to be a wooden submarine. But no, I don’t think it was present during the Battle of Trafalgar.

68. You’d almost think someone was living inside a nut.

It’s actually a weirdly designed houseboat. And yes. it even has a window.

69. This boat seems to have a rather Dutch disposition.

It’s a clog boat with tulips painted on it. Must’ve been made in the Netherlands.

70. This gives a whole new meaning to the word, “duck boat.”

It’s a boat resembling a duck. But please don’t pay attention to the windows and marks on it.

71. A boat will ride like the wind with a wind turbine.

Though it may not travel very far. But it does have a homespun look to it.

72. Perhaps a modern windmill boat may suit you.

And this one is mainly used as a sail. And yet, sticks out like a sore eye.

73. A wooden boat should always be one of good taste.

This one even has 2 decks and a porch. Yet, it’s best not to leave any fires on it alone for too long.

74. Perhaps a simple wooden boat will suit your fancy.

This one even has wooden cabins and windows. Quaint for relaxing on a Sunday afternoon.

75. I almost thought it was a cruise ship.

It’s actually a small boat that can only fit one guy. Yet, it’s quite lovely to look at.

76. Behold, the Nautlimo.

It’s a pink limo on the water. So you can travel on the river in style.

77. You’d almost think it’s a canned truck.

This one has a pink cross on the side. Not to mention, it has tires to act as wheels on the water.

78. Care to cruise in a muscle car?

It’s a 1950’s style car boat. And you can drive it on land or water.

79. Got a bike with large tires? Make a boat out of it.

You’ll have to row it. But you can rest your head on the rubber and paint the flowers on the tires.

80. Children would love a treehouse on the river.

Yes, they seem quite happy. Yet, I wonder what the tree house could fit in.

81. Got plastic bottles? Make a boat out of them.

Well, at least these people made something constructive out of this junk. And I’m sure it’ll last for years.

82. Boat or a resort home?

It’s more of a yacht that has a house on top. Includes trees and a deck.

83. You can’t have a well-dressed boat without curtain.

And yes, the curtains are on the top. What they’re used for, I don’t know.

84. A fancy boat should always include windows.

Yes, it does resemble a piece of bad architecture. But it’s a sleek metal boat from Russia.

85. Wouldn’t you want to fish in comfort?

This one has a comfy chair on a barrel barge. But someone has their fishing rods on the edge.

86. Don’t like scuba diving but like to see what’s underwater? This EGO Submarine boat is for you.

This is a personal-semi-submarine. Expensive but quite cool to look at.

87. “We all live in a yellow submarine…”

When I saw one of these in Google Images, I had to include it. Ironically, it’s in Liverpool.

88. Anyone would flip over this dolphin submarine.

Though I wonder how big it is compared to a dolphin. Still, looks kind of cool.

89. So I guess there’s a biblical flood looming.

Don’t worry, it’s some Dutch guy’s replica of Noah’s Ark. Sadly it doesn’t have any unicorns.

90. Even you can put solar panels on your boat.

And yes, they’re well suited for powering boats, too. Though the sun isn’t as effective as gasoline.

91. You’d find this wooden house boat quite charming.

Well, it’s rather small. But includes a deck, ladder, and windows.

92. Now you can have your own Viking long ship.

I know it’s kind of a home made attempt. Still, I hope the monastery nearby has a high tech security system.

93. You can go anywhere on the water in this red boat.

It’s of redneck design by the way. Though it almost seems like someone spent a fortune on it.

94. You’d almost mistake this boat for the Magic School Bus.

It’s actually a duck boat from London. And no, it can’t shrink and travel through your body.

95. Bet you can’t go across the river in a hydrocopter.

This one has blades on the bottom to move it along. But only room for a few.

96. Oh, no, the ship’s sinking! We’re sinking!

Actually, the boat was designed that way. The guy’s fine.

97. You’d think this house boat was futuristic.

It’s actually made from an old camper. And I don’t think it’s for sale.

98. This boat makes for a whale of a tale.

It’s a whale boat, get it. Nonetheless, it’s quite huge if you ask me.

99. Sometimes a simple boat house will do.

This is a pre-fab boat house. And it’s ultramodern as well as not quite fancy.

100. Looking at this boat, you’d wonder if your eyes hurt.

This one is painted in a bizarre pattern. Still, I’m sure onlookers would complain.

The Lofty World of Hot Air Balloons

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In some areas during the spring, summer, and fall, you might see a hot air balloon or two effortlessly floating in the sky.  Though you may not see them often in the sky, you might see them in decorations and in many postcard worthy pictures like the one above. Still, these lighter than air aircraft consist of a large envelope bag containing heated air which makes it buoyant, usually with an open flame. Invented by the Mongolfier brothers in the 1780s, the hot air balloon was the first successful human-carrying flight technology with the first manned flight taking place in 1783 Paris. Though unmanned ones have existed in China since the 3 Kingdoms era. Today modern hot air balloons are mainly used for advertising and recreation. Yet, they can fly at extremely high altitudes and long distances if need be. Unlike other aircraft, hot air balloons can come in various shapes, sizes, and colors. There are even hot air balloon festivals from around the world which can include races, evening “night glows,” rides, and other activities. But here, I bring you a treasure trove of these fabulous flying machines for your unique reading pleasure.

  1. You’d almost think this balloon is out of this world.

Though the space shuttle seems quite out of place among balloons. Yet, it’s quite awesome to look at.

2. “I tawt I taw a puddy tat.”

You can guess that this balloon has attributes of Tweety Bird. Though you’d probably never saw him up that high before.

3. A balloon like this is reserved for high flying celebrations.

Must be honoring someone or some establishment’s 100th birthday. Yet, I don’t think the candles add up.

4. Now that’s what I call a fly ball.

Okay, “fly ball” is a baseball term and this is a football balloon. Still, football season’s coming up soon.

5. There’s something magical about this castle in the air.

This is for Disneyland. Guess they have their own hot air balloon festival for the tourists.

6. Never thought I’d see a perching bird that huge.

Don’t worry, it’s just a hot air balloon. Not the result of a nuclear power plant accident. So just relax.

7. How about a nice cold pint in the sky?

Yes, apparently, they have beer shaped hot air balloons. But I suppose this is for an advertiser.

8. Watch our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ ascend into the heavens.

May not be like the lauded paintings from the Renaissance. But it’s close enough. And kind of hilarious.

9. Who says that pigs don’t fly?

Though the wings are quite small on this one. Yet, I like the cool shades.

10. Since it’s the Trump administration, I’d have to add a zebra.

The zebras were a bunch of people in costumes in La Paz, Bolivia to calm down traffic. Yet, this kind of resembles one of them.

11. A bouquet of tulips always looks stunning in the air.

Sure they’re not real. But you can’t help but admire them from hundreds of feet. Guess these are for spring.

12. Hope this blue clown can put a smile on your face.

On second thought, that’s kind of creepy. Don’t know why we have clowns stuff like this.

13. Nobody can resist this cute balloon penguin.

Looks a little sad. Still, it’s so adorable that you’d want to hug it and keep it for your very own.

14. The cactus looks as if it’s about to get high right now.

Well, it’s wearing sunglasses. But I’d watch the arms if I were you.

15. Seems like this little bee is quite flighty.

After all, this bee is about as sweet as honey. Seeing it fluttering in the sky is an absolute joy.

16. Wells Fargo sure enjoy their piggy banks.

So much so that they were involved in a scandal pertaining to savings accounts. Though you have to love the hearts on its cheeks.

17. Wonder how this shoe house will get off the ground.

This is perhaps a rendition of the “Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe.” But in this case, it’s a Timberland.

18. A star-spangled balloon never fails to please.

It’s blue with white stars on top. Yet, the rest of it consists of red and white checks.

19. Seems like you can find this happy Jack in a box.

Well, it’s a jack-in-the-box. Though it’s not as creepy as some of the real things.

20. Tesco is the supermarket with the great large shopping carts in the sky.

Well, that’s kind of clever. Yet, I’m sure this isn’t a for a US chain store. Because I’ve never heard of the company.

21. You’d almost think you can fly when you’re on this balloon.

It’s supposed to depict Disney’s Peter Pan. Though considered a classic, it’s one of my least favorite Disney movies.

22. There’s a no more American hot air balloon than one of Uncle Sam.

This one has an Uncle Sam face and hat. But at least he seems happy to take to the skies.

23. This one of a kind hot rod is powered only through hot air.

Yes, you can have hot air balloons of cool stuff like this. Though you’d have to use a lot of canvas or nylon.

24. How about a balloon with a more prehistoric flair?

This T-Rex in the sky doesn’t really look like much. Yet, aerial photography isn’t always the best.

25. I’m sure you’ll have it easy getting this Humpty Dumpty over a wall.

Even if it’s Trump’s wall which would do absolutely nothing to keep undocumented immigrants out. But this is cute.

26. Tonight, I hear you can watch a cow jump over the moon.

This is from another nursery rhyme called “Hey Diddle Diddle.” Let’s just say its lines make no sense whatsoever.

27. You’d almost think this hot air balloon came from outer space.

Well, at least the default shape is perfect for the alien head. Hope it doesn’t land in Roswell, New Mexico.

28. This cute little clownfish may not be Nemo but it’ll do.

This one seems to have a little curious grin on its face. Yet it seems to take sailing the skies like swimming in the ocean.

29. These sky carrots apparently belong in their own patch.

Looks like we have a lovely bunch of nylon carrots. Too bad they’ll be devoured by rabbit balloons later.

30. You might find this hot air balloon quite finger lickin’ good.

Yes, there’s KFC hot air balloon, too. Yet, whatever’s in it won’t be good for your blood vessels. I guarantee it.

31. A Lisa Frank hot air balloon shows your girly rainbow pride.

Man, I loved Lisa Frank when I was a kid. Still, this has enough rainbow and glitter to spare.

32. Apparently, this balloon is filled with the luck of the Irish.

Well, it’s a shamrock balloon. So it’s perfect for flying over your local Saint Patrick’s Day parade.

33. A windmill hot air balloon has a fine country touch.

Seems like this one’s from the Netherlands. Mostly because the blades have the Dutch flag. Also, it’s a windmill.

34. With this balloon, the stars and stripes surely fly.

Yes, that’s a big hot air balloon. But at least it has all the stars and stripes.

35. Never though a house in the sky could be this haunted.

This one is for Halloween. Nevertheless, you’ll find hot air balloons for all sorts of occasions.

36. Is there a fire somewhere in the sky?

Seems like this fire truck balloon has a little face on it. Hope it can put out the fire in time.

37. Famous Footwear really put their foot on this one.

Yes, you’ll see a lot of advertiser balloons at a festival. Still, Famous Footwear’s one is perfect.

38. Wonder what creature head this one belongs to.

Resembles a green pointy eared antenna space alien to me. But yes, that’s a very gruesome show of fangs.

39. You might want to take a cue from a pink elephant.

Of course the whole expression of “pink elephant” is totally lost on kids. And yet, this guy looks wasted.

40. Care for a bouquet in the clouds?

This just consists of a bunch of balloons on a pile to make it resemble flowers. Yet, it also looks a bit like rainbow ice cream.

41. Wonder how much a lighthouse can see if it can fly.

A lot more than a regular lighthouse. But this lighthouse balloon is right on the money.

42. A Mardi Gras clown balloon is perfect for a high flying carnival.

As you can see, it has a yellow, green, and purple hat with jingles. Still, not scary as the previous clown.

43. Thought you’d never see a hot air balloon shimmer in the night life.

Yes, this is a hot air balloon in neon lights. And boy, do those lights dazzle like an electric sign?

44. This princess really has her head in the clouds.

She wears a golden crown and has on a pearl necklace. So pretty.

45. With this hot air balloon, adventure awaits at Paradise Falls.

You can bet I had to include the Up house in this hot air balloon post. Still, the house is the basket.

46. Is that a gambling bug flying around?

Well, it has card suites, antennae, and 6 digit.s Yet, it seems to be quite handy with a full deck.

47. The King has made landfall.

But I have to tell you that Elvis has been dead since 1977. Not kidnapped by aliens. But enjoy this hot air balloon in his likeness in the meantime.

48. With this hot air balloon, you’ll have a sea fantasy on a snowy day.

Consists of a happy octopus with a smiling fish and starfish. So adorable but more appropriate at the beach.

49. Celebrate American independence with this hot air balloon.

It’s decked in American flag colors with the Declaration of Independence. Another piece of Americana I had to include.

50. Why modernize when you can just copy an original?

This is a modern rendition of the Mongolfier balloon they used in the 18th century. Strangely it has a Belgian flag instead of the French one in that basket.

51. This rocket balloon will always soar in American glory.

Sure it won’t take you to outer space. But you’ll certainly take to the skies.

52. This hot hair balloon has become this dragon’s true domain.

Okay, it doesn’t look scary. But it goes around the balloon and breathes fire.

53. Someone has to keep law and order in the skies.

Well, this sheriff balloon has a rather quaint look to it. Even has a bobby hat and a sheriff star.

54. I guess this hot air balloon has a medical disposition.

This one has the caduceus insignia on it to symbolize medicine. Guess a simple red cross was already taken.

55. A polar bear hot air balloon is filled with Arctic might.

Guess this was to spread more awareness on climate change. Still, it’s huge when you look at it from the ground.

56. A sky high panda bear is always a wondrous sight to see.

Because what’s cuter than a bear balloon is a panda bear balloon. So adorable you want to cuddle it.

57. Apparently, balloon isn’t meant for the whole family.

Is this to advertise condoms, vibrators, or dildos? At any rate, wouldn’t want to see it from a mile away.

58. This pot seems to have its lid screwed on just right.

Yet, it doesn’t seem to be worried in the open air. From here on, it’s smooth sailing.

59. You’d almost imagine little green men coming out of this one.

Well, it’s a UFO hot air balloon. But some people might not see it this way and perhaps wish whoever’s operating it to take them to their leader.

60. This basset hound is always on the trail up in the air.

This hound is of orange, black, and white. But you’d never find a dog in the skies like it.

61. The Orient Express now offers air service.

Okay, it doesn’t provide air service because it’s a train. But still, this balloon is a near perfect likeness of a steam engine.

62. This skyward barn has much to offer.

Sure it looks like what you’d see in a kiddie’s play set. Even has a cow sticking out of it.

63. This alarm clock balloon will always tell you the time of day.

Well, it’s surely happy to tell you the time. Seems to sport such a happy face.

64. “She keeps a Moet et Chandon in  a pretty cabinet…”

It it’s a kind of wine. But the balloon of it here only consists of the cork.

65. “The Wells Fargo wagon is a-comin’ down the street…”

Well, a stage coach like this is a Wells Fargo icon. So it’s only fitting I include it here.

66. Someone’s got their mind up in the air.

Well, that’s quite a brainy balloon. I know it’s kind of sick but I’m sure some readers will find it pleasing.

67. While the United States has the stars and stripes, Canada has the red maple leaf.

Still, living in the Trump administration, I have to envy them for having a good looking prime minister like Justin Trudeau. Nevertheless, I’ll probably hear more about them come hockey season.

68. A caravel always sails effortlessly through the skies.

Though a real wooden ship wouldn’t look as pretty as this outside the movies. But it’s surely lovely to behold.

69. Now here’s a fire extinguisher that could put out a wildfire.

Okay, I’m kidding on that one. But I’m sure the people of California could only wish this was a real fire extinguisher instead of a balloon of one.

70. Of course, you can’t have a hot air balloon festival without including Noah’s Ark.

Because it’s a big boat with all the animals on it which kids can enjoy. Sure they were on there to wait out a flood. But nobody cares when it’s a balloon festival.

71. No hot air balloon festival is ever complete without a butterfly.

This one has especially colorful wings. And an adorable little face to go with them.

72. Perhaps you might want to see EPCOT fly these days.

Now EPCOT is a part of the Walt Disney World in Florida. Also, I’ve actually been there back in 2008.

73. Even in the sky you’ll bound to behold a tasty chocolate sundae.

This one includes a cone and a cherry on top. But don’t bet on them serving ice cream there.

74. This turtle is always ready to take off from anywhere.

Too bad he has his shoes untied. Then again, he’ll probably still beat the hare anyway.

75. Never thought I’d see a green Jaguar in the air.

I’m sure people attending the festival would later buy a Jaguar. If they happen to possess a Swiss bank account or a yacht.

76. Even at a hot air balloon festival, Mr. Peanut always knows how to make an entrance.

And even after so many years, he’s as dapper as ever. Only difference is that he’s voiced by Bill Hader.

77. In case of a blaze, you can always count on this guy.

Okay, he won’t actually put out fires. But you have to love him in his large, red fireman hat.

78. Now here’s a hot air balloon that keeps going and going…

Because that’s what the Energizer Bunny does. Well, until the batteries inside it die.

79. A US spaceman takes it to infinity and beyond.

Sure it has an over-sized head and short limbs. But I’m sure space geeks will adore it.

80. A jack-o-lantern hot air balloon is pure Halloween delight.

I guess this is for a fall hot air balloon festival. Wonder if it lights up at night like the real thing.

81. A Remax house always makes for a happy home.

Too I can’t see more of this thing. Then again, it’s sometimes hard to take pictures of hot air balloons that do justice.

82. Not sure if this is the kind of atmosphere for a deep sea diver.

And this one is dressed in a black and yellow suit. Cute but not sure if the sky is the best place for it.

83. There’s nothing more fluffy in the sky than a small cottage

This is for bread, I recall. Yet, the home appears rather quaint and cozy like a Keebler elf house.

84. A macaw in the sky is a colorful parrot to behold on a ledge.

Yes, it’s in a perching position. But the bird itself really can fly. Guess sitting is more regal in a hot air balloon form.

85. The sky is a wonderful place for a peacock to spread its wings.

Well, doesn’t seem to have much of a train. But a colorful tail like that will surely do for me.

86. A lofty hot air balloon can depict a symbol of the nation.

Though I’d much rather like a bald eagle attack Donald Trump. Because he’s an illegitimate president and narcissistic sociopath with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

87. This hot air balloon seeks to raise awareness and fight for the cure.

Then again, I kind of wish the Breast Cancer Awareness should focus on prevention. But yes, we should talk about it more. And not just in October.

88. Horton the Elephant will always be faithful 100% in flight.

Nice to see a hot air balloon of Horton from the Jungle of Nool. Yet, I have no idea where his clover is which has the speck of dust of Whoville.

89. Seems like this hot air balloon comes straight from the Dark Side.

I can almost hear the notes to the “Imperial March.” Still, this Darth Vader balloon is pretty damn cool.

90. If you liked Mike Wazowski from Monster’s Inc., then you’ll like this hot air balloon.

Yes, he’s everyone’s favorite cyclops. Though you’d have to hear him and Sully sing, “Put That Thing Back Where It Came From or So Help Me.”

91. Odd to see a pair of pants in the air. Wonder who put them there.

I know you’d think it’s a strange hot air balloon shape. But at least it’s an original design.

92. This penguin is all ready for fun in the sun.

It even has sunglasses, sandals, a hat, and Hawaiian shirt. So adorable.

93. Perhaps you’d want a bottle of wine for the skies.

Not sure what the wine is. But it sure has a lovely bottle design. Quite distinctive.

94. Not sure how a forklift operates in the sky.

Well, it’s for a forklift company. Still, you’d have to give kudos for this balloon design.

95. Large green balloon, Yoda is.

Little wrinkled and green man, Yoda is. But balloon amplifies his head tremendously, it does.

96. You wouldn’t expect Santa Claus to show up in a balloon of his own likeness.

Yes, they have hot air balloon festivals all year long. Even around Christmas. And this Santa is huge.

97.  Wonder if this scarecrow can frighten the crows this high.

Probably since it’s so high. But on the other hand, it’s so adorable with its smile.

98. Oust will always keep the air fresh, even in the skies.

Though I’m not sure this will help you ward off odors of cow manure. Because it’s a hot air balloon.

99. Christ the Redeemer rises in Rio.

Bet this was for the Olympic Games in Rio. Still, have to admire Jesus’s jersey.

100. You can never have a great balloon fest without including Ben and Jerry.

Though this balloon doesn’t have any of its wacky flavors. Still, it soars.

The Spouting World of Water Fountains

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Whether in a scenic garden, a street, or a public park, you’re bound to find fountains spouting jets of water into the air during the spring and summer months. Though you may often see them as fancy water jets for people to look at and throw pennies in, they originally used for providing water from springs, reservoirs, mountain rivers, and aqueducts to cities, towns, and villages before the days of indoor plumbing. And until the late 19th century, most fountains were operated by gravity and needed a source of water from higher ground. But many also used siphoning to make water spout, too. Though we often think fountains were invented in Ancient Rome along with the aqueduct, both technologies actually come from the Greeks. Ancient Greek fountains were mainly made from stone or marble with water flowing through bronze pipes and emerging from the mouth of a sculpted mask representing a lion’s head or an animal’s muzzle. The most famous fountain in Ancient Greece was the Enneacrounos in Athens’ Agora which had 9 large spouts. But even that isn’t as impressive as the fountains of ancient Rome that contained decorations of bronze or stone masks of animals or heroes. Medieval Islamic as well as European Renaissance and Baroque fountains are often held as artistic masterpieces. Nevertheless, since we now have indoor plumbing, most fountains are now seen as decoration. Well, save for the occasional drinking fountain. Now since they tend to be popular in gardens, you can find many of them sold at any home improvement or garden store. And they come in all different, shapes, sizes, and forms. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you a treasure trove of water fountains to delight in.

  1. You can always make water spout through pipes.

Sure this mostly consist of pipe from the gutter drain. But it certainly works.

2. Even a miniature garden can use its own fountain.

Not sure if a mini garden fountain is quite right. Yet, I can see why someone would want one.

3. A small indoor fountain can bring some watery joy.

Helps if it has a colorful seahorse, coral, and golden shells. Then again, I kind of consider fountains more of an outdoor thing.

4. Sometimes a hollow stone column, a basin, and a metal spout is all you need.

Well, it doesn’t look like much. But it certainly goes with the garden scenery.

5. A watering can makes a wonderful fountain spout.

Well, that’s pretty inventive. Doesn’t hurt to put plants in it either.

6. What do you mean water can spring up from rocks?

This is a more naturalistic fountain for gardens. And yes, you barely notice it except for the water spouting at the top.

7. Even a small ceramic fountain is no less impressive.

Yes, it’s a rather small structure. But its deep blue color will certainly make an impression.

8. With copper pipes and water jets, you can make the water flow anywhere.

This one is shaped in a wheel with holes in the pipes. So the water can trickle down exactly where it’s supposed to.

9. You can go as high as you want with buckets and a watering can.

Yes, you’ll find quite a few DIY varieties on here like this one. Yet, this fountain has a certain kind of charm.

10. In this fountain, it takes a long time for the water to flow down.

This one appears to be made of copper from what I can tell. And are those things shaped like leaves?

11. Though most fountains are made of stone and marble, a tree stump one is always close to nature.

This one is even made with tiers still containing the bark. Great for any rustic garden.

12. Even a simple design can do the trick.

This one just consists of a stone bowl and a small jet. It’s not fancy but it will do.

13. With this fountain, you’ll find water flowing down all the steps.

This one is best suited for a wall as you can see. But it will surely go well with wooden fencing.

14. A mosaic fountain should always boast magnificent tiling.

After all, who doesn’t go for colorful decorations now and then? Love the brilliant blue.

15. A stone basin can sometimes be a lasting feature.

Here’s another mosaic fountain with blue tiling. Yet, this one also has lovely white edging and a stone basin tricking water down once it’s full.

16. A bowl and pitcher can be just as nice.

Even helps if both are intricately decorated. As long as you have the pitcher pouring into the bowl.

17. The larger the water receptacle the better.

This one uses a large stone jar that’s against a stone wall. Perfect for a garden, though I wouldn’t drink the water in it.

18. Sometimes an old bathtub can make the perfect fountain pond.

Well, that’s pretty ingenious. Just put the jet in with a bunch of rocks and you’re done.

19. With a box fountain, you sometimes need to cut corners.

Because if you don’t, where could the water flow like this? Well, it can overflow but that would make a mess.

20. When you have a pump, expect water to flow from buckets.

This one uses 3 buckets and a faucet. Certainly an interesting fountain to see.

21. A long thick log of bamboo is great for making a water wall.

A water wall is a certain type of fountain that has water flowing from the top down like a waterfall. Pretty simple explanation, really.

22. Speaking of water walls, check this one out of a Japanese arch.

This one is made from wood in the Japanese arch style. But it still has water trickling down from it.

23. Sometimes a large stone water jar is all you need.

This fountain has a stone jar tipped to have water spilling over the rocks. Fairly simple concept to apply.

24. Got some old tubas? Make a fountain out of them.

Hey, if the old Sousaphones don’t work, you might as well. Since you can surely have water flowing in them.

25. For a simple but modernist concept, try a fountain of raised metal bowls.

Sure it might not look like much without the water. But it spouts where it should and creates a couple waterfalls, too.

26. Since fountains are water fixtures, I’d say a dolphin motif seems appropriate.

I guess this one is made for indoors or a courtyard. But since everyone likes dolphins, I’ll put it on this post.

27. With 3 large stone jars, who knows what fountain you’d have.

These jars are of all different shapes, sizes, and colors, too. Great to have in any garden.

28. If you want the water to flow somewhere, a trough of brick should do the trick.

Yes, that’s a fountain. And yes, it takes a lot of room. But it’s not too fancy and has a stone basin at the end.

29. Sometimes 3 rock fountains can be better than one.

This one consists of rocks of different shapes and sizes. Wonderful centerpiece for any rock garden.

30. No fountain can be nearly as impressive as one with 3 bronze horses.

And it has water spouting from all their mouths. Yes, they look majestic, but I’m not sure about the spouting part. Well, to each his own.

31. Sometimes a water fountain can leave room for flowers.

This one even has a place for water to fall in a rocky stream. Nevertheless, you can’t help but love it.

32. This fountain head is nothing short of angelic.

This is an impressive bronze fountain that’s probably seen in a park. Yet, it’s nowhere near the ones you’d see in Italy or France.

33. A rocky waterfall always gives a naturalistic charm.

Yes, it almost seems like water is flowing from the ruins. And yet, it’s perfect for a scenic garden that’s most likely near a mansion.

34. A mosaic fountain should always be tiled to impress.

This one even has a white border and a lion’s head. Love the floral design.

35. There’s nothing better than a fountain attached to an urn for flowers.

This might be from some French chateau. Yet, it certainly goes well with the landscape.

36. A wooden bucket and pump fountain is never complete without a washboard.

Well, it certainly has a rustic feel to it. Yet, you don’t need to prime the pump to get any water in this one.

37. A modern black fountain has a certain kind of elegance.

Though I wouldn’t say it goes with a wall of flowers. But you have to like having its spouts together.

38. You can’t have too many teapots with this fountain.

Seems to me this is for an Alice in Wonderland garden. Still, at least it’s original and clever.

39. This stone arch fountain almost resembles ancient ruins.

Though I’m not sure if an arch would have a stone bridge within it. Yet, I understand it works with the waterfall.

40. With enough metal teapots, you can fill a whole cup.

This one even has string holding the pots up. Not sure how that works. But I like it.

41. A square flat fountain can always please.

Well, it’s great among rocks. Love the water coming out of it. So pretty.

42. For a more Southwest feel, this fountain of ceramic pottery is just for you.

Well, large ceramic pottery, anyway. Still, the stand is totally supposed to resemble adobe.

43. A stone enclosed waterfall is always a wondrous sight of beauty.

Almost thought it was from Maymont at first. But then I realized the Maymont one had lions on it. Still, love it.

44. A large fountain should always have a bowl overflowing.

Guess this is supposed to be for a courtyard. Love the blue and purple tiles.

45. How about a fountain with a large wagon wheel?

Not sure if the wheel turns. But I guarantee there’s water coming out of it.

46. Who knows what you can come up with when you have a bunch of empty bottles?

Though only 3 of these spout water. The rest have their bottoms facing.

47. This stone fountain has 4 metal spouts coming from it.

Well, it may be rather plain to some. But I do like how it has a basin to go with the pavement.

48. A metal garden bicycle can fit all kinds of pots.

Well, this is an interesting concept. This one has a pottery pitcher pouring into multiple pots. And a flower pot in the front, too.

49. No fountain is as whimsical is a ferris wheel of buckets.

I know some people might think it strange. But it’s from Pinterest. Of course, you’d probably not see that at a garden store.

50. Glass bowls make great fountain tiers.

Well, whatever works I guess. Though I do love the artistry on this one. So pretty.

51. A blue mosaic fountain almost appears heavenly.

It even has water coming out of the sun which is kind of weird. But it’s nevertheless impressive.

52. Put a wheelbarrow near a pump and watch the water flow.

Helps if the wheelbarrow is quite rusty. And the receptacle is a rock edged pond.

53. When you pour a jar, you can make a waterfall.

Well, if you have something to constantly put the water in the jar first. But it goes well with the plants.

54. Sometimes inspiration can come in the strangest manifestations.

This one has bottles in a bucket like champagne or beer on ice. Yet, instead of ice or alcohol, it’s water.

55. Sometimes you can do with 3 spouts on a wall.

This one must be in the Spanish mission style. Simplistic yet with a certain elegance.

56. When you pour the kettle, water comes out for the flowers.

Sure the kettle is rusty. But at least pouring it in a large bucket makes does wonders. Love it.

57. From this fountain, the water almost resembles sails.

Yes, it’s certainly meant to impress. And it even has a boat bottom to go with it.

58. With the right stonework, a fountain can always have a serene water way.

Well, the fountain is far off in the back in this picture. But it surely appears pleasant as the water flows to the basin.

59. Presenting the vortex fountain.

It’s basically a fountain that creates a whirlpool. And yes, it looks pretty cool.

60. On a mosaic fountain, you can never have enough water jets.

Sure this looks incredibly expensive. But I’m sure many rich people have something like this in their gardens by now.

61. Female nudes appear in all kinds of art and fountains are no exception.

And I guess there’s water spraying from her nipples. Wonder what kind of garden this is supposed to be for.

62. A marble fountain should always have a black sphere on top.

Yet, it sure seems perfect in a courtyard setting. Still, think it’s quite spectacular.

63. What comes in one watering can, comes out in another.

This is more suited for steps. Yet, it certainly has a whimsical touch.

64. You’d almost be stumped to miss this fountain.

And as you can see, it’s within a stump. Helps if you have plants growing around it.

65. Sometimes a small black fountain is in simple elegance.

Well, it’s in an oval shape with a square receptacle. So classy.

66. A Moorish garden is always a spectacular sight.

This is from a botanical garden in Missouri. But yes, it’s in the Moorish style that’s supposed to be close to paradise.

67. Why stick with one waterfall when you can have 3?

Well, seems like the kind of fountain for a patio. Yet, you can’t hate this one.

68. A spherical spout is almost out of this world.

Now that’s interesting. Not necessarily my taste. But unique enough for this post.

69. Best to put some gravel if you have a stone waterfall.

Yes, I know it’s a compact waterfall for a patio. But it’s amazing to see nonetheless.

70. A fountain at a corner patio can always impress.

Still, I’m sure this one doesn’t come cheap. But it sure looks pretty cool.

71. For an old cabin look, a wooden fountain will surely do.

Sure it might somewhat resemble a Jacuzzi. Well, if it weren’t for the jet spout.

72. A wall fountain can be so much simpler if you have bamboo.

Sure bamboo may be cheap. But for some reason I don’t imagine ancient China or Japan having water fountains. Well, at least ones appear like those we’re used to.

73. Sometimes it’s best to go with nature when it comes to waterfalls.

Well, that certainly looks almost naturalistic. Quite lovely if you can get my drift.

74. For a more rustic fountain, a pump and 3 wooden buckets should do.

Well, it’s certainly quite unique to put on this post. Nevertheless, the buckets always overflow.

75. A flowery fountain has water coming from the petals.

Well, when you’re doing a fountain post, you have to go with some unusual examples. This surely takes the cake. Yet, you have to admire it.

76. A colonnade is a fine addition to surround a fountain.

This is from a park in Houston. And though it’s not fancy, it’s surely spectacular.

77. A small fountain in a patio works best when stacked with stone.

After all, everyone has to adore a water jet in a small pool. Stunning to say the least.

78. Well, everything seems square on this fountain.

This one is made from concrete. Not fancy, but not bad.

79. Sometimes concrete and stone have a simple magnificence to them.

This one’s title has the words, “affordable simple design.” Yet, it’s probably the case if your net worth is over $2 million and you run a casino.

80. You can always create wonders with enough stone fountains together.

For some reason, they remind me of steaming rocks. Yet, it’s a lovely garden addition.

81. A mosaic fountain can always use a vase.

This one has a blue one with arms. Also like how the tile is painted. Beautiful.

82. A stone ship should always have a water wheel.

So when the dragon spurts out water, the wheel turns. And it seems like it spilled some from what I could tell from the wet spot.

83. Peacocks look especially grand on a tile fountain.

After all, there’s almost no bird as pretty and with a long feathery train. Love the flowers, too.

84. This fountain boasts a real carnival of animals.

I guess this is for a zoo in California. But you have to admire the animal art on it.

85. This angel fountain boasts a wall of water.

This is a lovely structure. Love how each wing has water raining down.

86. A brick fountain always has a sold foundation.

Of course, it’s not graceful like some of the other fountains here. But it’s certainly interesting to look at.

87. A brick waterfall should always enchant.

Have to admire the brick work on this. Also has a gravel pool for the water.

88. Sometimes you can find a fountain in the most interesting formation.

Not sure what shape it’s supposed to be on the top. But you have to admire the waterfalls.

89. Never thought you’d see water coming out a glass sphere.

The glass ball fountain is supposed to be of a unique design. Not sure if I can understand the concept.

90. A Gothic fountain can always impress in the garden.

Well, it’s more like Gothic Revival. And more suited for old cathedral courtyards than anything.

91. You can’t take the Earth for granted in this fountain.

After all, there’s no other planet like it that we know of. Nevertheless, it’s quite lovely.

92. Didn’t know there were any adobe fountains out there.

Actually, it’s not made from adobe. But it depicts an Pueblo Indian scene as far as I can tell.

93. As water flows, this fountain ignite flames in no time.

Guess you need fire to make a fountain more spectacular. As if water doesn’t accomplish that already.

94. You’d almost swear the water’s coming from the sky.

I know it seems hard to wrap your head around. But there must be a device that makes the water come out from the floating faucet.

95. Things are getting grassy with this fountain.

Well, it’s a grass ball fountain. Makes sure you trim it once in a while though.

96. A dragon fountain is always a splendid sight.

This is from China, by the way. Though you’d probably already guessed that. Yes, it’s a magnificent dragon.

97. A hurricane eye fountain always flows water in a spiral.

It’s meant for a patio, especially one with stone pavement. Yet, it’s quite sublime.

98. It takes a broken large pot with some little ones to really make a splash.

Another fountain in the Southwest patio style. But this one is quite colorful to behold.

99. Here we come to a Japanese scene with its own water wheel.

Yes, it’s a fountain with a small picturesque scene. But you can’t help but love it.

100. It always rains a rainbow with a fountain wall of lights.

Well, at least at night, anyway. But the water and colors are simply spectacular.

The Cinematic Wilderness Survival Guide

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Since Daniel Defoe wrote Robinson Crusoe and even before then, survival stories have always been a source of endless entertainment to the masses living in civilization. Today you have survival movies like Castaway and The Revenant along with TV series like Lost and The Walking Dead, and even reality programs like Survivor or stuff from the Discovery Channel. Many of what you see about surviving in the wilderness or devastated urban environment isn’t necessarily what’s going to help you in real life. Reality shows have camera crews and don’t really depict reality anyway. And survival stories that took place in historical times may feature characters that do stuff that violate basic common sense. Here I have a list of survival tips you get from movies and why they’re totally wrong.

It’s likely that you will suddenly end up in a classic survival scenario. (Most people who end up in a classic survival scenario usually do so through a series of bad decisions that, if you don’t take immediate action, you might die. Real survival isn’t about being the toughest and most experienced, but keeping out of those situations through basic common sense. Not to mention, being flexible as well as swallowing stubbornness and pride. For instance, a lot of your classic survival heroes probably wouldn’t be in such situations if they {or someone else} didn’t make the decision to travel to the location in the first place. Still, if you’re fishing in a lake when you see lightning, get off the lake. It’s that simple).

You can live off the land with no problem. (From How to Survive It: “When the settlers landed on Plymouth Rock, they had plenty of experience living off the land (hunting, foraging, farming, etc.) and were well-versed in primitive skills like fire-starting and making the most of natural resources, yet they still nearly starved to death. Today there are fewer wild animals and edible plants and far more people than then, and few people possess even a fraction of the skills that our settlers had. If living off the land is your only plan to sustain yourself and your family, you’re in for some rough, potentially deadly times.”)

A gun is the most important thing you’ll need. (Guns may be great to have when surviving the wilderness or a post-apocalyptic scenario, but they will not help you if you’re thirsty or have a medical emergency. While a gun may protect you from criminals {though not always reliably}, you’re more likely to die of disease or accidents. So unless you’re in a situation similar to Oregon Trail, you’re better off stocking on food and medical supplies before buying a gun).

You don’t need to prepare for survival in a short hike. (Even short hikes can become dire survival situations. The weather may get bad. You might get lost or injured. Always have a few key items with you before you venture into the outdoors like extra clothes, a map, a compass, a flashlight, first aid kit, as well as extra snacks and water. Also, always let someone know where you’re going and when you plan to come back so they could notify a search party to rescue you if you don’t).

If you get into trouble, you can always be lifted to a hospital by helicopter. (Not if the area doesn’t have cell phone reception. Or if there’s severe weather conditions. Or in places where helicopters can’t reach you. If you’re hiking in South America, you will not have a helicopter to rescue you and emergencies must be handled by guides, porters, and other hikers. Some may not be able to speak English. And even if a helicopter rescue is possible, there’s still the matter of getting in touch with someone who can send it).

Space blankets are useless. (From Outdoor Life: “Those Mylar-coated emergency blankets certainly don’t look very warm. How on earth can something no thicker than a trash bag save your life? Well, though the aluminum coating on these blankets is very thin, it is thermal-reflective. In other words, it can redirect infrared energy, which means that it reflects heat. When you are getting cold due to shock or exposure, it’s because the heat you were radiating is lost to the air and not replaced. With a space blanket wrapped around you, however, the moisture in your clothes won’t evaporate {which causes cooling} and you won’t lose as much heat to the air moving around you {limiting convective heat loss}. So you will stay warm when you’re wrapped up in this sheet that looks like tin foil. And since these lifesaving blankets pack down so small and are so cheap, there’s no reason to run around in the bush without carrying a few of them.”)

You can depend on your cell phone to save you. (If you’re miles away from civilization, this might not be the case. Besides, batteries die, reception is spotty, and your phone isn’t invincible. You’re better off being appropriately prepared and letting people know where you’re going and when you’ll return. So if you don’t come back within a certain amount of time, that person can trigger a search and rescue operation for you).

Being able to survive in the wilderness takes a lot of skills and physical fitness. (This isn’t necessarily true because ordinary and unassuming men, women, and children can also survive and have as long as they have the will, the positive-realistic attitude, and the emotional resilience to endure. Also, it helps that you’re smart and use common sense as well as don’t get yourself in a deadly scenario).

Wearing wet clothes is better than no clothes at all. (From Survive All: “Water has a nasty habit of holding on to its temperature for long periods of time, so if you have just fallen through ice and you get out and keep your clothes on, all you are doing is keeping yourself cold. You are better off naked than in wet clothes.” Yeah, probably don’t want to risk getting hypothermia).

Wait a day or more to see if help arrives before starting anything. (Always plan if help isn’t coming though hope it does).

Dead or dormant poison ivy can’t hurt you. (From Backpacker: “Urushiol, the oil in poison ivy that prompts allergic reactions when in contact with skin, remains active for several years after the plant dies. Furthermore, the urushiol is not just in the leaves of the plant, but is also present in the roots and stems. So how do you pinpoint poison ivy when there are no leaves? Luckily, this toxic plant produces aerial roots, making the vines appear “hairy”—a handy sign for shoulder-season hikers.”)

Shelter:

Shelter means coverage. (Adequate shelter has very little to do with coverage and everything to do with protection from the elements. In a hot sunny climate, this means shade. In cold or temperate climate, this means warmth. Poorly built shacks with roofs and walls are a poor way to protect yourself from the cold. Making a small nest that insulates the ground and provides some wind protection vastly recommended before building a roof).

Lean-tos make great shelters. (Yes, they look cool and are easy, but it’s better to go with something that has 4 walls, a doorway, and a roof. And if it’s cold, try to insulate the ground before building a roof.)

During a thunderstorm, it’s best to seek shelter from lightning under a tree. (Since I was a kid, I knew hiding under a tree during a thunderstorm is just absolutely insane. Lightning is attracted to height, pointy objects, and isolation, which are often associated with trees. Also, unlike skyscrapers, towers, and other tall buildings, trees don’t have lightning rods. Best to seek shelter in a home or car. And if these aren’t options, crouch down on the balls of your feet. If you’re in a group do so at least 100 yards from the other members of your party to reduce the risk of being hit together, allowing the others to administer CPR if necessary. Lying flat on the ground might lower your profile even more but it increases your chance of picking up the ground current and it’s not advised).

Shelters should be built from dead materials. (From The Good Survivalist: “This one came from our friends in the ‘green’ survival movement. They are far more concerned that a few trees might get killed than they are about your life. All advice from them should be considered highly suspect. Imagine building your shelter as a big pile of dead leaves and wood. Now imagine having a campfire anywhere near that. Do you really want to climb in there and go to sleep? Nuff’ said.” Chopping down a few trees for a shelter the forest isn’t going to contribute to deforestation much).

Navigation:

You’ll never get lost with a GPS. (From Outdoor Life: “If you can afford one, you should always take a GPS unit with you into the backcountry. These high-tech navigational tools are easy to use, and more important, they always let you know where you are. But they aren’t a fail-safe against getting lost. If you misplace or break the unit, or your batteries die, you’d better have a map and compass (and the knowledge to use them) as a backup. Navigation isn’t just about knowing where you are; it’s about knowing which way to go as well.”)

Always walk your way to safety. (In some situations, conserving energy and hydrating might be your best bet like in the desert. It’s also best that you take 30 minute breaks to let the adrenaline flush out of your system so you can make decisions with a clear frame of mind as well as assess your injuries, which is often overlooked in survival manuals).

It’s always a good idea to climb a tree to look for the trail ahead. (From Getting Out Alive: “Although gaining a high vantage point can give you a better view of things ahead, climbing a tree is both exhausting and dangerous and is not worth the energy expenditure, nor the risk of injury.”)

As long as you can find North, you can navigate to safety. (From Getting Out Alive: “North is meaningless unless you know which direction you must travel to reach safety. Knowing where you are in relation to a safe destination is the only important issue.”)

Always hike through the night to avoid the heat during the day. (From Getting Out Alive: “In hot regions, use the morning hours for hiking, from just after daybreak until the heat comes up. Hunker down during the heat of the day, but do not travel through the night or you risk injury or becoming lost.”)

Always travel swiftly to get out of a survival situation as quickly as possible. (Travel cautiously and avoid injury at all cost. Because suffering an injury might be the very thing that kills you.)

Wildlife:

Holding a baby animal in front of its parents will not bring you any harm. Heck, the adult animals may even let you hold their cubs. (This was in Disney’s Pocahontas. Holding a baby animal in front of its parents will result in an emergency room visit or some time in the ICU if you’re lucky {assuming the animal is large enough like a deer or a bear}. Because doing so will lead its parents to perceive you as a threat and they will attack you. If you value your life, do not go anywhere near baby animals. If you see a helpless baby animal that’s alone for more than 24 hours, malnourished, or sick call animal control if you can. Else, just beat it and leave the animal alone. Sure it might fall prey to predators or the elements, but at least you’ll be alive. Note that what you see happen to Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant was not something most people survived without medical treatment. In fact, quite the contrary {though Leo’s case in that movie can be excused since the real Hugh Glass was attacked by a bear in the 1820s and did survive but it was through sheer dumb luck [because we do know he was killed by Native Americans in 1833]. And it’s unlikely that the bear attacked him that way since it would’ve paralyzed him. Still, while Fitzgerald and Bridger left Glass for dead, they did so because they were so convinced he wouldn’t survive}).

You can always count on the woodland creatures to help you when you’re stranded in the woods. (Sorry, but this isn’t Snow White for crying out loud. Seriously, the best way the woodland creatures could help you is by being your dinner).

Always punch an attacking shark in the nose. (Most people lack the upper body strength to strike a blow powerful enough to stun a shark, especially when punching in the water. Shark attack experts generally recommend clawing the shark in the gills and eyes instead. Because sharks will naturally try to protect their vision and respiration capabilities. A sharp blow or a scratch to either may be enough to scare a shark away. Sharks look for easy prey and most won’t risk safety for a quick meal.)

If a bear approaches you, just play dead. (Maybe if it’s a mother grizzly defending her cubs. But if it’s any other kind of bear {namely a black bear which you’re more likely to encounter in North America}, it might attack you anyway. Your best bet is making yourself look intimidating which can be accomplished by opening your jacket, spreading out your arms, and shouting. Hopefully the bear would be spooked and run away. Also avoid making eye contact with a grizzly or it might consider it a challenge).

When in contact with a bear, the best way to avoid an attack is to out run it. (If you run into a bear, don’t ever try to outrun it. Because you can’t. Bears run at 30mph which is faster than Usain Bolt. Yes, even he can’t outrun a bear, let alone you. Instead, stay where you are. If it’s a black bear, make yourself look big such as opening your coat, holding out your arms over your head, as well as shout and scream until it’s spooked and takes off. If it’s a grizzly, avoid eye contact and back away slowly. If it charges, stand your ground. If it makes physical contact, cover your vitals and play dead. Either way, bring bear or pepper spray).

If you come across a sick or injured animal, try to help it. (Stay the hell away from it or run like hell. Because sick and wounded animals can be very dangerous, especially if they have rabies. Besides, wounded animals can still attack you. Best to call animal control if you can).

Water is a good escape from a bee attack. (I’ve seen this a lot in movies, TV, and cartoons. Nevertheless, despite multiple accounts of people avoiding swarms doing so, they proved to be fruitless since the bees were there waiting when the people came up for air. Instead of running into the water, seek refuge in a car or building. If these options aren’t available, just keep running, especially through a brush or thicket. Bees have been known to pursue people for half a mile and the run will be worth a reprieve).

Wildlife is always your biggest problem. (As long as you don’t do anything to disturb or try to feed them, the animals will not bother you. You’re more likely to encounter a wild animal in more urbanized areas than in the woods. Then again, this might be relevant in Africa, but if your stranded in North America, wildlife is the least of your worries).

Immediately put up protection against animals like wolves. (The best you can protect yourself against an animal is to stay away from It and don’t do anything to piss them off. If you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you. Besides, predators like wolves are more interested in easy prey. A big fire is normally enough).

Garlic repels mosquitoes. (What repels mosquitoes is mosquito repellant like DEET, not garlic.)

Venomous snakes have triangular heads. (A snake’s head shape is irrelevant on whether it’s poisonous or not).

Bears are only active at dawn or dusk. (Bears can be active at any time of the day but are mostly out at dusk).

First Aid:

If you or your friend is bitten by a poisonous snake, cutting an “X” and orally sucking is advised. (Yes, this method was used by 19th century American pioneers which you see in westerns, where it would be appropriate. But like a lot of 19th century medical advice, this is idiotic and disgusting as well as medically worthless. What’s best advised is washing the wound, putting a bandage on it, and seeking medical attention immediately such as calling 911. Because sucking the venom poses a risk for both the victim and the person sucking the poison out {even if one’s careful not the swallow the envenomed blood}. And if there are sores on the mouth, the venom may likely end up in the sucker’s bloodstream. In addition, consider the pathogens present in a person’s mouth. Still, it’s better to prevent poisonous snake bites by simply not putting your hands or feet where you can’t see. Also a dead rattlesnake can still bite you long after it’s been squished on the highway since its bite reflex is still intact for several hours.  In addition, out of the 5600 who get bitten by rattlesnakes in North America, only 5 or 6 died while 30% only experienced a dry bite, meaning there may not be poison in the bite at all).

If CPR doesn’t work, then it’s perfectly fine to strike random hammer fists to the center of a victim’s heart to restart the heart. (This is called a precordial thump, and it’s not a free beating, but a precisely aimed blow delivered by an expert in an attempt to interrupt a life-threatening rhythm if there’s no defibrillator available and can only be attempted once).

To treat frostbite, rub the frozen tissue with snow or immerse it in cold water. (Immerse the tissue in warm water but only when it’s certain the tissue won’t refreeze. Otherwise, doing so will only increase risk of permanent damage just like rubbing it with snow or immersing it in cold water would. You could also use painkillers if available).

If someone is suffering from hypothermia, it’s best that you throw them in hot water. (This would actually cause their core temperature to shoot right up, inviting the colder fluid from the extremities in. Such treatment would make the person even colder or worse mess up their heart. While alcohol can create a quick rush of warmth by dilating blood vessels, the same effect can cause a faster and very dangerous drop in temperature. Also keep in mind about causing excruciating pain or a heart attack. Better to put hot water bottles in both armpits or skin to skin rewarming).

Giving alcohol to someone suffering from hypothermia always keeps them warm. (Alcohol only gives you the illusion of warmth when you’re freezing but actually drops your core temperature. Might make you feel better for a few minutes even though it’s actually killing you faster).

If someone isn’t breathing or if there’s no pulse, slapping your unconscious buddy a couple of times after getting all angry and yelling at them will make them come around. (Best to move them to a place with cell phone reception and call 911).

Treat burns with butter or oil. (Butter or oil will worsen any burn from sunburn to 3rd degree and possibly get it infected. Skin that’s recently burned/still burning is 1st or 2nd degree (like sunburns, contact with a hot object, dropped cigarette on leg, etc.), immerse it in spray or spray it with cool water to stop ongoing damage. If it’s 3rd degree, then try to keep it cool and clean, but call 911 and wait for professionals to arrive rather than using cold running water).

Always remove impaling foreign objects from wounds. (Dr. McCoy does this to Spock in the new Star Trek movie even though he should’ve known better. From TV Tropes: “Generally they’ve smashed all the bits they’re going to smash, and are now acting as a plug on the wound – and an infection can be fought off with antibiotics at the hospital. Pull the plug, and you may be dead in minutes. Barbed weapons might tear more flesh and if they don’t, you’re unlikely to be able to pull it out at the exact angle it went in.” So if you’re in a wilderness area with cell phone reception, just call 911. If not, then get to one).

Bullets should always be removed from gunshot wounds. (Hunting seasons aside, getting shot in the wilderness isn’t very likely to happen in real life. But in movies and TV, you might see this a lot, especially in war or post-apocalypse movies. A bullet can remain undetected inside someone for years and not cause any problems. The only times when a bullet should be removed is if it’s still traveling in the body, its becoming dislodged can cause fatal injury {in which case the doctors want to remove it in a controlled environment rather than it becoming dislodged on its own at random}, or if it’s serving as a source of infection or immune reaction. This despite the fact that firing a bullet heats it to the point that most possibilities of infection would be gone. In fact, getting the bullet out is usually the last thing surgeons bother to do. Also consider the fact that Andrew Jackson was shot close to his heart and lived with that bullet in his chest for decades and he was around during the 19th century).

Is someone is bleeding, always use a tourniquet to stop it, such as from clothing. (This is a very bad idea. As TV Tropes put it, “In real life the clothing will probably stick to the drying blood, causing other problems later when real help arrives. If the tourniquet is left on the limb in question for too long, this will result in the limb becoming necrotic and falling off or getting Compartment Syndrome. This one is subject to a bit of Science Marches On as the US Army, who have been using makeshift tourniquets out of cravats and windlasses {basically bandannas and sticks} for decades, have shown that advances in combat medicine allow a limb to have a tourniquet applied and blood flow completely cut off for up to 2 hours without permanent damage and up to 4 hours while still keeping the limb. This has gained modern tourniquets such as the CAT {Combat Application Tourniquet} a place in the gear of most modern combat soldiers, and indeed, is the US Military’s preferred method of treatment for significant extremity hemorrhage and/or total limb amputation. The current consensus is that when used properly tourniquets work, but should only be used under specific circumstances by professionals unless the situation is that dire. ‘Dire’ in this case meaning that the person is almost certain to die from blood loss before any professional medical aid arrives on site, typically meaning a limb being fully severed.” You’re better off using plain old bandages.)

If someone has consumed something poisonous or infectious, induce vomiting. (If they aren’t already vomiting, just call 911 or get them to a hospital. And if they are, do the same. Supportive treatment begun early often does far more good than trying to purge the substance from the body. Also, in some cases a drug, alcohol, or other overdose can cause unconsciousness and someone vomiting can breathe in their own vomit, complicating potential survival with a nasty case of pneumonia or asphyxiation. You can also call the poison control hotline which can offer expert advice and specific instructions for the particular poison ingested {if known}. However, if these guys say to induce vomiting, this is a situational precaution and shouldn’t be attempted unless it’s known for certain that it’s the right thing to do).

Always give someone a laxative to someone experiencing unknown stomach or intestinal pain. (Laxatives are meant to treat constipation and should only be administered if there’s no lower abdominal pain worse than mild discomfort that has persisted no longer than a week and when the obstruction is only known to be poop. Otherwise, just call 911 and get them to a hospital if that option is available. If not, then just use a signal to get a rescue party, pronto. If they have appendicitis, giving a laxative can lead to a ruptured appendix, horrific peritonitis infection, and possibly death. If they have an immobile object, their entire large intestine, leading to almost to certain death).

Always take dressing off of bleeding wounds and apply new ones. (This is a bad idea since it doesn’t give the blood enough time to clot and possibly removes clots already formed. The correct course is to add new bandaging over that’s already soaked through as needed, and even if you wind up with a huge wad of bandaging that’s unruly, it’s still better than disrupting the clotting process).

Open wounds should immediately be closed in all cases. (Dr. McCoy does this to Spock in the new Star Trek movie, even though he knows this isn’t the best treatment for him {though neither was removing a metal object from him either}. Then you see Leo cauterize a neck wound in The Revenant which is pretty drastic as well as certainly not a safe and sanitary option {yet, since this movie takes place in the 1820s, it can be forgiven. But you shouldn’t try it}. Though to be fair, he didn’t have many options since the wound was close to Spock’s heart and he would’ve bled to death if he hadn’t. However, according to TV Tropes: “While most wounds get cleaned and immediately shut, deep wounds, especially infected ones, often stay open. Treatment of big abscesses or infected wounds often involves opening it, cleaning it and then leaving it open for a few days {with a bandage IN the wound to keep it open and a plaster over it to keep it clean and avoid fluids sipping out}. This allows the tissue to heal from bottom up and the doctors to check on the infection and keep it clean. Instantly sewing it shut would close the hole, inviting bacteria to create a new or even worse infection which could lead to a lethal sepsis {blood poisoning}.” So if you have deep wounds, best call 911 if you can).

Wounds should never get in contact with water unless it’s a burn. (Those who’ve had surgery usually find that saunas and swimming pools are forbidden but showering is okay as long as the wound itself isn’t covered in soap {run water is fine}. In many cases, washing the wound is often encouraged such as when there’s a risk for infection. Certain abscess cases even might involve the patient holding the shower head straight at the wound and using the water pressure to thoroughly clean it).

When someone goes into shock, assume the victim is fine if there’s no blood flowing or anything stuck in them. (From TV Tropes: “Anyone trained in first aid can tell you that shock {the body failing to circulate blood properly} is actually one of the more dangerous threats posed to almost any accident victim. Many cases of shock can stem from what amounts to the body creating errors while responding to stressful stimuli, which means that even a comparatively minor wound {such as a cut on the thumb} can throw a person into shock. Symptoms can be anything from anxiety and confusion to irregular pulse and blackouts, and it’s not unheard of for a patient who at first glance does not appear to have any life-threatening injuries to die from shock simply because the body unintentionally shut itself down. One of the best ways to prevent shock is to simply interact with the patient in a reassuring and calm tone, as well as keeping them warm and ensuring proper blood flow to the head and vital organs {usually achieved by propping up the legs}.”)

If someone is not breathing or there’s no process, provide mouth on mouth and compression CPR. (The purpose of CPR is to buy time until advanced help is available by circulating blood and preventing brain damage from lack of oxygen. And you’re not supposed to give up after a minute or 2 just because they haven’t started breathing on their own, but rather continue until advanced help gets there. It’s also expected for the victim’s ribs to get broken during CPR, something that almost never happens on TV. Still, CPR rarely results in a full recovery and if the person’s heart and breathing have actually stopped to the point of needing it, chances of recovery at all is usually less than 10%. Even if the proper medical care can be brought in time to keep them from outright dying, such patients generally die within 1-2 years. Also, there’s a large chance of permanent brain damage. Not only that, but remember that CPR alone does not revive someone. And do not attempt to do CPR if someone collapses from cyanide poisoning because doing so will end up killing you).

Booze always makes a great wound disinfectant and anesthetic. (Well, rubbing alcohol is great as a disinfectant. But other than that, this advice belongs in the 19th century).

Booze is always great to have when it comes to surviving in the desert. (Sorry but booze can cause dehydration).

Hypothermia only happens in cold climates. (It can happen in wet environments as well as at higher elevations. So stay dry and warm in order to prevent your temperature from dropping to dangerous levels).

Don’t feed a victim of hypothermia. (From Outdoor Life: “Normal shock treatment and hypothermia treatment are different—you don’t, for example, want to feed someone who may be going into shock because he can vomit and choke while unconscious. However, in mild to moderate hypothermia cases, high-calorie foods can be given in small, repeated doses to create metabolic heat in the victim and help him restore his own heat-generating ability.” Unfortunately, shock treatment and hypothermia treatment are practically indistinguishable in Hollywood).

Let a hypothermia victim get some sleep. (From Outdoor Life: “After the shivering, confusion, slurred speech, and clumsiness of hypothermia have manifested, an exposure victim also gets drowsy. This is a serious warning sign because sleep can lead to death. Keep the victim awake as you warm him up.”)

Always use fire to remove an embedded tick. (Since ticks cause frustrating and debilitating illnesses like Lyme disease, there’s a lot of confusion to approach this. The medical community currently advocates taking fine tipped tweezers and gently pulling the tick out by the mouth, which helps avoid releasing as much infected fluid as possible. Grabbing the tick by the body only leads to a higher risk while smothering or applying fire should be avoided as well because these tactics cause infection. After the tick’s removed, wash hands and wound thoroughly after the tick has been removed).

If you suffered a sprained ankle, best to apply warmth immediately. (From Trails.com: “How to treat a badly sprained ankle, which for a hiker or backpacker can be a serious situation when out in the wilderness, has always been subject to myth, with a large portion of the population thinking that warmth should immediately be applied. However, the opposite is true since heat will make the swelling and pain increase and slow down the healing process. If you spend time on trails and out camping, remember the acronym RICE. This stands for Rest, Ice, Compression and Elevation. The ankle should be quickly rested and iced if possible or soaked in cold water from a stream. Even snow can be used as a substitute for ice. Ice the ankle for 20 minutes to half an hour and then put a compression bandage such as an elastic wrap on it to give it support. Elevate the affected foot. Repeat this procedure up to four or five times a day until the swelling goes down.”

Water:

If you run out of water, drinking your own pee will keep you hydrated. (From The Clymb: “Your pee probably won’t kill you, but depending on your location, it might do more harm than good. If you are dehydrated in an extremely hot environment, drinking your urine will put unnecessary stress on your kid­neys, which in turn puts unnecessary stress on your body and leads to more overheating. Drink­ing urine is an acceptable short-term solution to dehydration in cooler climates, but is not the best idea in a heatstroke situation. In cases of dehydration com­bined with heat stroke, using the urine to soak a small bandana for evaporative cooling may be more effective.”)

Boiled water is always 100% safe to drink. (While boiling water can kill organisms and germs, it will not clean harmful particulates from it. For instance, no matter how long you boil chemically contaminated water, it won’t be safe to drink. Same goes with stagnant dirty water, too. And there’s a good chance the water you get will have dirt in it so it’s best to filter it out through a clean fabric or leave it to stand until the sediments sink to the water first. And then boil it preferably at 212 degrees Fahrenheit for a minute so the little microbes could die).

You can follow flying birds to find water. (From Outdoor Life: “While some aquatic birds rarely leave the water’s edge, others roam far and wide for food. It’s been said that geese fly toward water at dusk, but this isn’t always the case. They could simply be flying toward a known clearing to spend the night. Since we have no way of knowing a bird’s plans for the evening, we can’t rely on it to lead us anywhere.”)

Drink raw blood to survive and keep hydrated. (From Outdoor Life: “Sure, there’s water in blood. And some of the traditional cattle cultures of Africa still consume cattle blood with milk, but this is done for protein and minerals rather than hydration. While the consumption of animal blood has helped to keep survivors alive, the risk may not justify the gain. Drinking raw blood could mean you’re consuming pathogens.”)

You can keep hydrated by sucking from a stone. (From Outdoor Life: “This old survival trick has been practiced across the globe. The idea is that sucking on a stone causes saliva to flow. Obviously, you’re not sucking water from the stone, so there is no real gain. Most calamitously, you could even suck on the stone too hard and inhale it, which could cause you to choke.”)

Running water is safe to drink. (From Survival Cache: “Don’t count on it.  Remember it came from somewhere and the source or what it came in contact survival water with between the source and reaching your location could be suspect.  Typically if you have to choose between running water and stagnate water always default to the former but make sure you also treat and purify the water before you consume it.”)

Drinking saltwater in small amounts is safe. (Drinking saltwater in any amount will lead to further dehydration and death more quickly than if you went without water at all. However, you can use saltwater to cool your body. But drink it, never).

Water found in natural depressions is safe to drink. (It has all the risks associated with stagnate groundwater and run off. So it should be treated before drinking).

Never drink the water. (Because water is an important resource if you want to survive, it’s best you drink it. But please filter and purify it before you do so. Yet, if you don’t treat it, it’s likely you’ll be rescued before it becomes anything serious. So it’s better to offset dehydration with germ filled water than to take no water at all. Doctors can fix illnesses but they can’t fix death).

Only standing water is dangerous. (With running water, it’s best you know what the source is before you drink it. Because even that can be dangerous. But filter and purify it first).

Food:

You can survive in the wilderness by eating raw meat or fish. (Leo DiCaprio eats raw fish and buffalo does this in The Revenant. To be fair, the real Hugh Glass lived during the 1820s when most people didn’t know anything about germs so his actions could be forgiven. However, most of the time eating raw meat and fish, is generally not advised due to high risk of pathogens that could cause foodborne illness. Now there are some raw fish that are safe for consumption but they mostly come from saltwater environments and contain pathogens not compatible with the human body. Not only that, Glass eats from a buffalo that’s already been cut open so how long the animal is dead is a big concern here. Still, when it comes to meat consumption, always kill and cook it before eating it).

Always look for food first. (While starvation can certainly kill, it’s said humans can live up for 6 weeks before starving to death. That’s plenty of time for someone to figure out to missing and find you so you’ll probably be rescued before you starve. Injury, illness, poisoning, or exposure are much more likely to result in death than starvation. Besides, hunting and trapping prey are hit and miss activities, often producing nothing and simply end up expending energy and risking injury or illness. Instead, water, warmth, and protection should be top priorities as well as conserving energy and avoiding injury. Then again, people in movies and TV usually tend to be in significantly more dire circumstances than most modern day folks in their lives. So them finding food is more understandable because it’s part of a long term survival strategy. Fiction survival stories rarely ever pertain to short-term situations).

Plants are a good source of food in a survival situation. (Unless you have an edible wild plant guide with you, are a botanist, or know the Universal Edibility Test, only eat the ones you’re already familiar with. Else, you could end up like Foxface in The Hunger Games. If you need to find food, it’s safer to stick with eating mammals, freshwater fish, birds, or insects. Besides, there are a lot of deadly plants out there and those considered safe to eat don’t provide a lot of calories or nutrients anyway. As for wild mushrooms, for the love of God, don’t even think about it. So for all you vegetarians and vegans out there, if you find yourself stranded, your best solution is to eat meat or die).

You can quickly hunt and fish for food where game is plentiful. (As someone who’s been raised watching nature shows, I know for a fact that this isn’t true for a lot of predatory animals. And they go for days without getting a meal, even the babies. Even with the best fishing gear and hunting equipment, hunting and fishing still takes patience, practice, and experience. Under survival conditions when you’re not at your best, these meals may never arrive. Also, hunting might make you more prone to serious injury or get you killed. Your best bet is to set many simple deadfall traps, snares, and shallow fish containment pens to hopefully catch yourself a meal while you tend to other immediate matters like securing safe drinking water).

You could eat anything animals eat. (Despite our shared biology thanks to evolution, there’s still a massive difference between humans and other animals. Some animals might eat plants that are safe for human consumption, yet these same critters could eat plants that are dangerous to us. Birds eat a variety of berries, many of which could either nourish or kill us. Even mammals like squirrels who normally eat nuts perfectly safe for human cuisine, can munch on mushrooms and nuts that are toxic to humans. So just because an animal can eat it, doesn’t mean you can. This is especially if it’s poison ivy, which many animals do eat).

Black and blue berries are never poisonous. (Most black and blue berries aren’t poisonous but if you can’t positively identify a berry, don’t eat it. For instance, pokeberries and Virginia Creeper berries are lethal. Foxface learned the hard way when she ingested the Nightlock. And Peeta almost made the same mistake until Katniss told him that they were poisonous).

Fire:

Always stock up on matches. (Lighters are smaller, cheaper, and save more space than matches, taking long term costs to account. Besides, if you’re worried about your lighter getting wet, just get a magnesium fire starter. Seriously, you don’t want to end up with the two match situation like Rambo).

Anyone could start a fire by rubbing 2 sticks or striking 2 stones together. (Relying solely on friction to start a fire will not help you in areas with high humidity. Even under the best conditions, friction fire making is a challenge that take patience, practice, as well as luck, and is not reliable for most people. One guy who had 50 years experience in this technique, said it took him a day and a half to do this by sticks. As for stones, well, this only works with flint or quartz as well as need to create a groove in the one you’re holding still. Most experts recommend carrying at least 3 firestarters like storm-proof matches, spark rod, and lighter at all times).

Making a fire should be a top priority. (Yes, fire is important but there are few situations it would take precedence over shelter).

Build a fire in a cave for warmth. (Heat causes rock expansion. Rock expansion leads to breakage. When rocks break overhead in a cave, it’s cave-in. So lighting a cave fire is not a good idea. Rather make a fire outside the cave).

Big fires always beat shelter. (From Outdoor Life: “Large-log fires have kept people alive in the cold, but that doesn’t mean you can afford to skip building a shelter. What if it rains or becomes really windy? You never want to sleep out in the open if you can help it. Take the time to build a shelter. It will pay you back every time.”)

Use a thumbnail to test wood. (From Outdoor Life: “You may have heard that if you can dent a piece of wood with your thumbnail, the wood is suitable for starting a friction fire. This myth just won’t seem to go away, but it doesn’t hold up. Some denser woods are fine for friction fires, and are some softer woods don’t work at all. When the thumbnail test works, it isn’t an affirmation­—it’s a coincidence.”)

Nose grease is the perfect fire starter. (From Outdoor Life: “Is there enough oil on the side of your nose to lubricate the top of a bow-drill spindle? I don’t know about you, but I was never that greasy, even as a teenager. Furthermore, when you’re trying to build a friction fire, you’ll produce more sweat than grease on your face, and sweat doesn’t help.”)

Hardwood is best for friction fires. (From Outdoor Life: “Just because oak is a great firewood doesn’t mean it works for friction fire. Oak’s ignition temperature and density are not useful in friction-fire drills or boards. Instead, use soft woods that are non-resinous. Cedar, basswood, willow, and cottonwood will serve you much better than oak or other typical firewoods.”)

Wet matches work when dried. (From Outdoor Life: “Nope. The chemicals in match heads are very vulnerable to moisture. On typical safety matches, the package will have a striking surface that is made from a gritty material such as powdered glass mixed with phosphorus. The head of the match is similarly made with grit, but it also contains sulfur and an oxidizer. When you strike a match, the friction of the glass powder grinding together creates a small amount of heat. This warmth converts the phosphorus into white phosphorus, which begins to catch fire. If match heads are exposed to enough moisture, the careful chemical balance is changed and they simply won’t light. Invest in some waterproof matches if you’re heading someplace wet. Or keep your matches in a waterproof container.”)

Use an 8-sided bow drill to start a fire. (From Outdoor Life: “At some point, using an octagonal drill became popular. The conceit is that the edges help the drill grip the bow string in more places, resulting in more friction. But these sharp edges end up shredding the cord and causing it to vibrate horribly, while failing to grip the string any better than a round drill would.”)

Breaking a flashlight bulb and using the coil is a great way to start a fire. (From The Good Survivalist: “This is a method I’ve seen by which you can break the bulb of your flashlight, and then use the coil inside to light a fire. Simply put… give it a shot in your backyard and you’ll find that it’s great at destroying flashlights but terrible at actually starting fires! Recommendation… bring a lighter, and use your flashlight for… LIGHT!”)

Sitting by the fire is the best way to dry your clothes. (From Getting Out Alive: “Wet clothing literally sucks the warmth out of your body, so get out of the wet things and cover up with something dry while you dry your clothing by the fire.”)

Lakes, Rivers, and Other Bodies of Water:

Always swim parallel to the shore in a rip current. (From The Clymb: “Swimming parallel to the shore is a good way to escape a rip current that pulls straight out. Unfortunately, not all rip currents flow directly out to sea. In a longshore rip current, or a diagonal rip current, swimming parallel to the shore could tire a distressed swimmer to the point of drowning. Instead, if caught in a rip, swim perpendicular to the flow of the rip in the same direc­tion as the prevailing wind or prevailing ocean current. If at any point you feel like you are swimming upstream, you’re doing it wrong. Like all survival situations, avoiding fatigue and making calm, rational decisions increases your chance of survival.”)

If you’re lost the best thing to is to follow a river or stream to find civilization. (The best thing to do if you’re lost is to stay where you are unless necessary. From Survive All: “While a river can lead to human life, it can sometimes take weeks or more to get there, while meanwhile you are completely invading a search squad trying to find you. Survival on the go is also much harder then stationary survival; you tend to spend too much time traveling than working to survive. Stay in one spot, survive, wait for help to arrive.” Getting Out Alive adds: “Some waterways run their course for hundreds of miles without bumping into civilization, especially in the wilder parts of the world. And following a stream can sometimes be exceedingly difficult and dangerous.”)

Take off your boots before crossing a river, stream or lake so they won’t weigh you down. (From Getting Out Alive: “The greater risk is that of suffering injury to your feet while crossing a body of water. Keep boots on to protect feet, ‘cause you’ll need them to continue your trek.”)

Forest Areas:

If you’re lost in the woods, look for moss on trees as it only grows on the north side. (If you’re lost in the woods, your best bet is following signs of previous human activity {assuming that you don’t have a cell phone, GPS, or a compass on you first. Or if there’s no park or forest ranger around. Or if you don’t have any electronic equipment on you at any time}. If there are no footprints, then staying where you are and sending a signal is a sensible option as well like building a fire, using a whistle, signal fire, or beacon. You could even go to the closest place where there’s light like near a body of water. Using the sunshine as a way to find the direction is a good idea as well. As for the moss part, though it does grow better on the north side, it can grow on any side if the tree’s shaded or near water. So it’s not true. Following the myth could send you in the wrong direction or make you more lost. Field and Stream says that Aspens that exude a powdery natural sunscreen that will whiten your palms are a better indicator as well).

Desert:

If you’re dying of thirst in the desert, ingesting cactus is always the best solution. (From The Clymb: “So your car broke down in the desert. It’s miles to the nearest gas station. Your cell phone doesn’t have reception. You don’t have any water in your car. There’s no one around, and you are very, very thirsty. Now you chance upon a cactus. I’m saved, you think. I’ll just lop the top off this here prickly pear and go to town. Not so fast, partner. The liquid inside a cactus isn’t pure water and is actually a highly alkaline, noxious fluid. Chances are, if you drink from a cactus you will get very sick, and vomiting is one way to ensure you dehydrate faster. You can drink from a barrel cactus, but only one specific type, and unless you’re extremely into cacti botany, you’re better off conserving your energy or seeking out a purer water source.” It’s more recommended that walking downhill until you find wash and following it downstream until you find some areas where the water might’ve gathered. Still, don’t forget to purify it).

The first thing to do in the desert is to find water, even in the afternoon. (You’ve probably seen the guy on his knees crawling through the desert in the hot sun struggling to find water or die of thirst. However, that guy is an idiot and is likely to die within a few hours in real life. Trying to find water in the desert will just tax your body to the limits, especially during the afternoon heat. Your best strategy to survive in the desert is holing up in the shade. If you do run out of water, find a north facing boulder or canyon, sit in its shade, keep covered to prevent evaporative sweat loss, stay off hot ground by sitting on your pack or a pile of debris, and only move around during the cooler hours of the morning or evening. It also helps if there are wildlife and vegetation nearby like trees. And sometimes dry river beds may have water below the surface, so you might to check for moisture there, too. So if you need water, better search for it when the temperature drops. Besides, you’ll be rescued if you told someone where you’re going to be anyway).

Always ration your water in the desert. (From The Clymb: “Rationing your water or food is great and all, but if you are on the verge of death today, having water three days from now isn’t going to provide much help. People can survive for over two days without water in one hundred degree heat. The most important survival technique in this instance is to remember to avoid unnecessary exertion. Finding shade, drinking until you are reasonably hydrated (clearish urine), and reserving physical exer­tion for night hours are the most effective ways of staving off dehydration and heat stroke. Rationing water while running around in the heat is often more dangerous than laying low and hydrating as much as possible.” So while you certainly should ration water in the desert, you should try to conserve water you already have inside your body by laying low in the shade instead of venturing out in the hot sun during the afternoon. But if you’re on the verge of heat exhaustion or dying of thirst, drink up now in the shade because your body doesn’t care if you get thirsty later. Rationing water and pushing on in the hot sun will only help to cause heat stroke, which as killed people before running out of water has).

Use a solar still to get drinking water in the desert. (Building a solar still consists of digging a hole in the ground, placing a container in the middle, covering the hole with clear plastic, and weighing the plastic down in the middle so the so the condensation drips into the container. Yes, this is a good idea, assuming that the location in question has a higher humidity content as well as groundwater. You will not find either in the desert. You’ll sweat more than you get if you build one of these things there).

Cold Times and Climates:

It’s easy to survive from hypothermia after being carried down a freezing river, sometimes after being submerged. (Sorry, but while Hugh Glass did survive a bear mauling {which happened in May 1823, not in the winter}, he would most surely die from hypothermia after being carried off in that freezing stream).

If it’s very cold, move to higher ground. (Yes, warm air rises while cold air sets is consistent with thermodynamics. Creek bottoms and hollows are cold air sinks. However, unless you’re in either, moving to higher ground when it’s cold goes against what anyone would learn in basic geology. Higher elevation areas generally tend to be colder if you account for the wind chill factor. Hell, you don’t even need to know about the wind chill factor to figure this out. A picture depicting a snow capped mountain in spring should make it obvious to anybody. Besides, heat from fire will be carried away faster the higher you are. So if it’s cold, best to stay low unless there’s a flood).

If it’s available, consume snow and ice for hydration. (Yes, snow and ice is made from water. But doing so will lower your body temperature which can lead to hypothermia and waste energy. Best you melt it and let it cool to a moderate temperature before drinking it).

All base layers work equally well in cold weather. (From Outdoor Life: “Not true. Cotton kills—or, at least, could lead to hypothermia if you rely on it as your primary base layer in cold weather. It’s a great fabric to wear around the house, and it has great applications in hot, dry climates. But once cotton gets wet, it loses its insulating properties. Before you even break a sweat, normal skin moisture will soak into the cotton fibers and start to cool your body through conduction. These fibers can hold up to 27 times their weight in water and then store that moisture up to eight times longer than synthetics or wool. This doesn’t just leave you feeling clammy—it steals vital heat from your core. If it’s cold enough for long johns, then it’s too cold for cotton.”)

Always try to dig yourself out of an avalanche. (Unless you’re only partially buried from the waist down, you will not be able to do so. Because being overtaken by a tumbling slab of snow is like being entombed in concrete, you can’t freaking move. Struggling to get free will only expedite the threat of asphyxiation. But if the snow is still moving, swim out of it facing downhill and try to create an air pocket by placing your hands and arms in front of your face while you work to get out. Still, you should always travel into avalanche country with a partner as well as have search beacons, probes, and shovels handy. The group involved should never be on the same avalanche prone slope at the same time because if everyone gets caught, there will be no one left to attempt a rescue. Also, take an avalanche safety course before going there so you can learn how to avoid triggering slides as well as what to do if you or your friends are caught in one).

Urban Disaster Scenarios:

In the event of a major disaster or war, flee the city and live off the land. (This might not be the best answer or even possible {for instance, had Adrien Brody’s character tried to do this in The Pianist instead of going into hiding, he would’ve been shot, blown up, or carted off to a Nazi death camp}. Sure surviving in the wilderness may be possible but most people have no idea how difficult it would be. This would mean having to hunt from sunup to sundown, sometimes into the night to find enough food so you’d have the energy to do it the next day. Only a good size group of experienced farmers and hunters would make it while most humans would slowly starve to death. If you have to leave, do it during an evacuation).

Urban survival is the same as wilderness survival. (Urban survival focuses more on safety and surveillance than hunting and camping. Special items in the former pack include pry bars and destruction tools, serpentine belt and fix-a-flat, bolt cutters, city maps, knee pads and gloves, dust or gas masks, crank or solar radio, monoculars, lock-picking kit, and assortment of weapons and self-defense tools).

If people remain in the city when the shit hits the fan, they will die either through starvation or killing each other. (Yes, people in the city are in more danger from war and terrorism. But it’s better if people band together to defend their area until order is restored. Whereas people in the country would be more in danger from criminals, looking for easy, isolated targets. They’ll also be the last to get supplies when trucks start moving again. Besides, many cities in Europe, China, Russia, and Japan had the living shit bombed out of them during WWII while their inhabitants still stayed despite the hell they’ve been through).

After the shit hits the fan in a city, it’s every man for himself. (While the media does tend to focus on looters and rioters after a disaster like Hurricane Katrina, it has more to do with ratings than anything. Hollywood also tends to portray survivalists as lone nuts who live in the country and shoot anyone who approaches their homestead. In reality, criminals only represent a very small portion of the population. Besides, most people tend to rely one another as well as work together to survive. WWII is a good example of this, particularly if you’re talking about the 1940 British Blitz).

It doesn’t hurt to brag about your preparations. (From Survival Expertise: “Sometimes this is hard to resist. You spend a lot of time thinking about prepping, saving up, looking for good deals, gathering supplies, etc., and it’s hard not to be proud of your efforts. And what do we do when we’re proud of something? We tell people about it. But in this case, you must only tell people you trust completely. Otherwise, someone somewhere is liable to say, ‘Hey, remember such-and-such from work who has food and supplies stockpiled? Let’s find out where he/she lives.’ Hunger can turn people into animals. If they are desperate enough, they will do anything to get your food.”)

Tap water is always safe after a natural disaster or war. (Tap water can become unsafe after natural disasters or in a combat zone when pipes are damaged and contaminants leak into them. So it’s better to purify it).

Always shoot looters on sight. (You see this a lot in movies. From Survival Expertise: “We’ve all seen thoselooters will be shot signs, but there are three reasons why this is a bad idea: 1) It advertises the fact that you have guns. If they see this, they may try to sneak in and ambush you. 2) If you shoot at them, they might shoot back. A few supplies aren’t worth your life. 3) After law and order is restored, you could be charged with murder. In fact, lawyers could use your sign to claim premeditation. Now to be clear, I’m not saying you shouldn’t defend yourself with guns. I’m saying you should wait until someone is actually attacking you. Shooting looters on sight is not self defense.”)

The Camping World of Tents and Campers

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Of course, when it comes to staying in the great outdoors, camping has been a long tradition whether it be at your national parks, state parks, or at some privately owned resort. And chances are, if you’re not sleeping under the stars, campers are probably going to stay in some sort of shelter like a tent or camper. If you live in southwest Pennsylvania, then I highly suggest you take some sort of shelter with you because you never know when it might rain. Honestly, it rains a lot in the summer in these parts. Hell, it rains all year round. Nevertheless, when you look at some outdoor area, you’re bound to find tents and campers of all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, setting up any of them is not nearly as easy as erecting a tent up in Harry Potter. And not nearly as luxurious either (seriously, the Weasley tent looks like something straight out of Lawrence of Arabia, with plenty of room as well as carpets and furniture). Mostly because we muggles don’t have access to magic. But that doesn’t stop me from seriously wanting one. Still, that doesn’t stop me from finding all kinds of unusual tents and campers on Pinterest that I decided to do a post separate from the outdoor gear. So for your reading pleasure, enjoy.

1, This wooden camper comes all set with all the amenities.

It's also very compact since it comes with an air conditioner and a roof. And to think it seemed rather small.

It’s also very compact since it comes with an air conditioner and a roof. And to think it seemed rather small.

2. With this tent, you can almost be among the trees.

Because it's shaped like an evergreen tree. However, this doesn't mean it will blend in with the forest. Because it won't.

Because it’s shaped like an evergreen tree. However, this doesn’t mean it will blend in with the forest. Because it won’t.

3. This tent can be set on top of your car and in high places.

I didn't know they had tents like that in the 1950s. Guess this couple really wanted to save space at their campsite. Or maybe they just wanted the view.

I didn’t know they had tents like that in the 1950s. Guess this couple really wanted to save space at their campsite. Or maybe they just wanted the view.

4. Who knew that you could camp out in a bubble?

Nevertheless, I wouldn't recommend you to undress in it due to its transparency. Still, it looks pretty cool.

Nevertheless, I wouldn’t recommend you to undress in it due to its transparency. Still, it looks pretty cool.

5. Perhaps setting a tent up from a tree would be easier.

Maybe but it doesn't seem to have a lot of room. Then again, it may not take much time to set up.

Maybe but it doesn’t seem to have a lot of room. Then again, it may not take much time to set up.

6. Those looking for a more rustic homey camping place might want to go with this camper.

You have to admire the front window and door on this thing. Very welcoming if you get my drift.

You have to admire the front window and door on this thing. Very welcoming if you get my drift.

7. With this camper, you might want to go with an open dining option.

Then again, it tends to resemble an open bar. But you get the idea.

Then again, it tends to resemble an open outdoor bar. But you get the idea.

8. For privacy in the wilderness, these camping stalls will suit you just fine.

Yes, these tents exist. But you can use one for going to the bathroom and one for taking a shower in. If you have the right equipment.

Yes, these tents exist. But you can use one for going to the bathroom and one for taking a shower in. If you have the right equipment.

9. Could you imagine camping in a shell or cocoon? Now you can.

Wonder how you set up a tent like this. Seems like it would be rather easy to bungle up.

Wonder how you set up a tent like this. Seems like it would be rather easy to bungle up. Comes solar powered, too.

10. There’s nothing like the camping experience in the great outdoors like sleeping in a tent camper shopping cart.

Now that just can't be comfortable. Seriously, you have to wonder if this guy sleeps being curled into a ball in there. Still, it's funny.

Now that just can’t be comfortable. Seriously, you have to wonder if this guy sleeps being curled into a ball in there. Still, it’s funny.

11. Ever thought about camping in a box?

Well, these two seem to in a box tent. Theirs even has a door, window, and table.

Well, these two seem to in a box tent. Theirs even has a door, window, and table.

12. Yes, I know this camper seems a bit lopsided.

However, I don't think it's been in a wreck because it seems designed that way. So perhaps we shouldn't judge on appearances.

However, I don’t think it’s been in a wreck because it seems designed that way. So perhaps we shouldn’t judge on appearances.

13. Now that must be an unusual hollow log.

Oh, wait, it's a log tent. Yeah, I kind of thought something didn't seem quite off. Still, it doesn't stand out much in brown.

Oh, wait, it’s a log tent. Yeah, I kind of thought something didn’t seem quite off. Still, it doesn’t stand out much in brown.

14. With a tent like this, you can literally sleep in a tree.

Yes, this resembles an abnormally large windowed punching bag. But I assure you, it's a tent.

Yes, this resembles an abnormally large windowed punching bag. But I assure you, it’s a tent.

15. With a mini nautic sleeper, you can now camp out on the water.

However, make sure you keep it well anchored so it won't float away. And make sure you don't decide to camp in some marina in Florida during hurricane season.

However, make sure you keep it well anchored so it won’t float away. And make sure you don’t decide to camp in some marina in Florida during hurricane season.

16. This RV comes solar powered.

So if you have to camp in the desert, this will help you get through it. Which begs the question, why would you want to camp in the desert?

So if you have to camp in the desert, this will help you get through it. Which begs the question, why would you want to camp in the desert?

17. This tent comes in handy for providing shelter for your bike.

Yes, this is an ideal biker tent indeed since it provides a place to store a motorcycle. Still, seems to make motorcycle gangs seem less badass for some reason.

Yes, this is an ideal biker tent indeed since it provides a place to store a motorcycle. Still, seems to make motorcycle gangs seem less badass for some reason.

18. This tent apparently hangs from a tree.

Yet, unlike the last tent I just showed you, it at least has a flatter surface. Wonder how long it takes to set up.

Yet, unlike the last tent I just showed you, it at least has a flatter surface. Wonder how long it takes to set up.

19. Who knew that you can camp under a dome?

Yes, these are dome tents. And yes, I have no idea how they're set up. But they do look quite cool.

Yes, these are dome tents. And yes, I have no idea how they’re set up. But they do look quite cool.

20. Kayak by day, tent by night.

I know people are scratching their heads thinking how could this tent exist. But it does and it must be expensive as hell.

I know people are scratching their heads thinking how could this tent exist. But it does and it must be expensive as hell.

21. With a tent like this, you’ll have your campsite set up in no time.

This is a pop up tent and the pictures show you how to set one up. Seems easy until you have to peg it down.

This is a pop up tent and the pictures show you how to set one up. Seems easy until you have to peg it down.

22. Ever imagined you can sleep in a tent camper like the Sydney Opera House? Now you can.

Okay, it doesn't really look like the Sydney Opera House. But it does have all the cozy fixtures you can't resist.

Okay, it doesn’t really look like the Sydney Opera House. But it does have all the cozy fixtures you can’t resist.

23. With a camping doughnut, experience a whole new kind of cozy spaces.

Now that's a very large tent. Not sure if that would be comfortable to stay in. But you get the idea.

Now that’s a very large tent. Not sure if that would be comfortable to stay in. But you get the idea.

24. Cinchi presents the ultimate pop up tent.

Comes with a solar power pack and LED lighting. Fits 2-4 people.

Comes with a solar power pack and LED lighting. Fits 2-4 people.

25. For self-contained shelter in the great outdoors, this canopy cot tent has got you covered.

Just make sure you put the cot outside before you set it up. Wonder if it's comfy though.

Just make sure you put the cot outside before you set it up. Wonder if it’s comfy though.

26. This bubble tent seems quite cozy when inflated.

Yes, this is another bubble tent. But at least this one has a place where you can change your clothes.

Yes, this is another bubble tent. But at least this one has a place where you can change your clothes. Unlike the last one.

27. At night, you can be sure to find this tent if you need to pee.

Because this one apparently glows in the dark or lights from the inside. Either way, seems stunning.

Because this one apparently glows in the dark or lights from the inside. Either way, seems stunning.

28. With large tents, you can’t go wrong with the teepee maze.

I know it seems like a tunnel. But you have to wonder what it looks from the inside.

I know it seems like a tunnel. But you have to wonder what it looks from the inside.

29. With this tent, you don’t have to worry about finding a secluded bathing spot again.

This is a portable camp shower as you can see. So if you want a place for your portable shower, it's got you covered.

This is a portable camp shower as you can see. So if you want a place for your portable shower, it’s got you covered.

30. Instead of camping in a hippie van, how about a hippie van tent?

Yet, it kind of looks ridiculous. But I have to admit that it's quite clever even if the designer might've been on something.

Yet, it kind of looks ridiculous. But I have to admit that it’s quite clever even if the designer might’ve been on something.

31. This hammock tent will provide you with the quality self-contained space you need.

I might've shown you something like this in my outdoor post. But I think it deserves a recap for this one. For obvious reasons.

I might’ve shown you something like this in my outdoor post. But I think it deserves a recap for this one. For obvious reasons.

32. You can wear this tent/sleeping bag/jacket as long as you please.

I know this is a rather ridiculous tent. But in the wilderness looking like an idiot is kind of the least of your worries.

I know this is a rather ridiculous tent. But in the wilderness looking like an idiot is kind of the least of your worries.

33. How about camp in some log cabin this year?

Oh, wait, that's a log cabin tent. But somehow, you can almost mistake it for the real thing.

Oh, wait, that’s a log cabin tent. But somehow, you can almost mistake it for the real thing.

34. This tent comes with so much room to spare.

This is a 10 room tent as you can see inside. So it's perfect for scouting trips to a degree.

This is a 10 room tent as you can see inside. So it’s perfect for scouting trips to a degree. Or MASH.

35. A pyramid teepee should set your campsite right.

Well, it's structured like a teepee by shaped like a pyramid. What more can I say? Also includes windows.

Well, it’s structured like a teepee by shaped like a pyramid. What more can I say? Also includes windows.

36. For beach bound surfers, this tent is just for you.

From Gadget Him: "Pack a surf and camp into one with this delectably compact and innovative surf tent design. The inner sleeping pod is an inflatable design that makes the tent non-bulky and easy-carry. Give your impulsiveness a free reign with this surf tent!"

From Gadget Him: “Pack a surf and camp into one with this delectably compact and innovative surf tent design. The inner sleeping pod is an inflatable design that makes the tent non-bulky and easy-carry. Give your impulsiveness a free reign with this surf tent!”

37. Nothing looks better than a tent on top of a jeep.

Sure it might be a home covered in canvas. But if I was on an African expedition, I want a tent like this.

Sure it might be a home covered in canvas. But if I was on an African expedition, I want a tent like this.

38. How about a nip at the Irish pub?

Yes, this is an inflatable Irish pub tent. May not give you authentic Irish cuisine. But it sure has the look nailed flat.

Yes, this is an inflatable Irish pub tent. May not give you authentic Irish cuisine. But it sure has the look nailed flat.

39. This tent is sure to have you fully booked.

Since it's shaped like a Natural World book. Get it? Cool though.

Since it’s shaped like a Natural World book. Get it? Cool though.

40. This tent is guaranteed to give you a taste of home.

Yes, it's a tent shaped like a house. I'm sure you can't see much through the windows. And I'm positive it won't withstand the Big Bad Wolf. Or will it?

Yes, it’s a tent shaped like a house. I’m sure you can’t see much through the windows. And I’m positive it won’t withstand the Big Bad Wolf. Or will it?

41. With this tent, you can just put it up a tree and watch it unfold.

Unlike the other tree tent I showed you, you don't set it down with ropes. Also called the Trepee.

Unlike the other tree tent I showed you, you don’t set it down with ropes. Also called the Trepee.

42. This decagon tent spreads in all directions.

Of course, it takes up a lot of space and is perhaps a pain in the ass to pitch. But it looks pretty cool.

Of course, it takes up a lot of space and is perhaps a pain in the ass to pitch. But it looks pretty cool.

43. Now this is the tent well suited for camping in the asphalt jungle.

Guess this was created for protestors of Occupied Wall Street. Then again, it definitely looks like a car.

Guess this was created for protestors of Occupied Wall Street. Then again, it definitely looks like a car.

44. Those who like the London Metro might enjoy camping in this tent.

Who knew they'd make a tent out of a subway? Guess they'll probably have one of the Hogwarts Express sometime soon.

Who knew they’d make a tent out of a subway? Guess they’ll probably have one of the Hogwarts Express sometime soon.

45. The Temper Fly Solar-Powered Tent can generate its own solar energy.

This tent is said to be tested by the US Army and could power so many gadgets. So it's kind of easy to see why.

This tent is said to be tested by the US Army and could power so many gadgets. So it’s kind of easy to see why.

46. RV or 2 cars stacked on each other?

Actually it's an RV. But yeah, it's bound to attract rather confused onlookers.

Actually it’s an RV. But yeah, it’s bound to attract rather confused onlookers.

47. Didn’t know that a camper can come with an open patio.

Guess this is a vintage design. Still, wouldn't mind having something like it.

Guess this is a vintage design. Still, wouldn’t mind having something like it. Talk about dining on the roof of your car.

48. This bike tent is well suited for cyclists on the go.

It's quite small but it can be pitched on the bike in no time. Not sure if I'd like that.

It’s quite small but it can be pitched on the bike in no time. Not sure if I’d like that.

49. For some people, the camper is their castle.

No, I don't know if the Victorians had campers like that. But if they did, it would pretty much look like it.

No, I don’t know if the Victorians had campers like that. But if they did, it would pretty much look like it.

50. Why stop at a log cabin when you can take it with you?

Well, that's one way of making the most of it. Wonder if the chimney actually works.

Well, that’s one way of making the most of it. Wonder if the chimney actually works.

51. Here’s a nice place to camp in the tree tops.

Sure it might be a hammock tent with a ladder. But I guess the view was worth it.

Sure it might be a hammock tent with a ladder. But I guess the view was worth it.

52. Guess this tent has a circular disposition.

Yeah, I know it's of a sphere and it's hung from trees. But it's a tent so it goes on the post.

Yeah, I know it’s of a sphere and it’s hung from trees. But it’s a tent so it goes on the post.

53. Ever wish your camper could be your home away from home?

Looks like this person took the concept to a whole another level. It even has a porch and steps.

Looks like this person took the concept to a whole another level. It even has a porch and steps.

54. Take a look at this old timey RV.

This was one of the first RV's out there. Made in 1926. I know it looks ridiculous. But I didn't design the thing.

This was one of the first RV’s out there. Made in 1926. I know it looks ridiculous. But I didn’t design the thing.

55. This RV is said to have a real mean caboose.

And it certainly resembles a caboose all right. Yeah, someone must really like to tinker.

And it certainly resembles a caboose all right. Yeah, someone must really like to tinker.

56. This tent could be easily pitched any time on the open road.

Yes, this tent can be pulled by a truck or car. I know it's weird. But that's why it's on this post.

Yes, this tent can be pulled by a truck or car. I know it’s weird. But that’s why it’s on this post.

57. Nothing beats camping on the roof of your car.

And here someone managed to pitch a rooftop tent. Yes, these things exist.

And here someone managed to pitch a rooftop tent. Yes, these things exist.

58. When it comes to camping, there’s only one camper to rule them all.

Yes, some one decorated a camper to look like Bag End from the Shire. I know it's perhaps one of the geekiest things one can ever do.

Yes, some one decorated a camper to look like Bag End from the Shire. I know it’s perhaps one of the geekiest things one can ever do.

59. Perhaps this shows what it’s like to camp during the Atomic Age.

Actually that might supposed to resemble a nuke. But it kind of reminds me of a fish.

Actually that might supposed to resemble a nuke. But it kind of reminds me of a fish. Charming.

60. This RV is the ultimate tiki machine.

Might be well suited for beach trips or Hawaii. But everywhere else? Not so much.

Might be well suited for beach trips or Hawaii. But everywhere else? Not so much.

61. An SUV is always a great place to pitch a tent.

Yes, this is another car roof tent. But it's smaller and is shaped more like a box.

Yes, this is another car roof tent. But it’s smaller and is shaped more like a box.

62. Sometimes it helps to blend with local surroundings.

Sure it looks great in the desert. But it will sure stand out like a sore thumb everywhere else.

Sure it looks great in the desert. But it will sure stand out like a sore thumb everywhere else.

63. This camper comes equipped with a few homey touches.

I know they probably went with some shingles and siding. But it sure looks amazing.

I know they probably went with some shingles and siding. But it sure looks amazing.

64. How about hop along on a magic camping trip?

Yes, this is one of those hippie colored campers. I know it looks quite tacky. But you have to admire the artwork.

Yes, this is one of those hippie colored campers. I know it looks quite tacky. But you have to admire the artwork.

65. Guess this tent is in a rather geometric position.

And I can't help but wonder whether they're finished pitching it. Or how big it is by stories.

And I can’t help but wonder whether they’re finished pitching it. Or how big it is by stories.

66. Fans of Titanic will surely adore this quality tent.

Actually it's very much in poor taste, especially with the iceberg hole. But I kind of had to include it.

Actually it’s very much in poor taste, especially with the iceberg hole. But I kind of had to include it.

67. This poncho tent makes an easy pitch.

Well, at least it saves backpack space. Other than that, I'm not sure if I want to wear one.

Well, at least it saves backpack space. Other than that, I’m not sure if I want to wear one.

68. This is a tent that’s bound to blend in with the landscape.

Sorry, but the sheep on the tent isn't real. Yet, I wasn't lying on the "blending in" part.

Sorry, but the sheep on the tent isn’t real. Yet, I wasn’t lying on the “blending in” part.

69. Seems like the trees have stretched these tents to their limits.

Then again, these tree tents were designed that way. Not sure if they're allowed at some campgrounds.

Then again, these tree tents were designed that way. Not sure if they’re allowed at some campgrounds.

70. You might have to climb a tree to reach this tent.

I know these tents could get quite outlandish. But at least this one gives you a great view.

I know these tents could get quite outlandish. But at least this one gives you a great view.

71. Seems like this tent is ready to take to the skies.

This is supposed to resemble a seaplane. But I doubt it could fly without any engine.

This is supposed to resemble a seaplane. But I doubt it could fly without any engine. Nor would you want it to.

72. This domed tent provides ideal camping shelter.

Not sure how you set one of these things up. But they seem rather comfortable.

Not sure how you set one of these things up. But they seem rather comfortable.

73. Presenting the new Cabela’s mansion tent.

Seems to resemble something you'd see off of MASH to me. No disrespect, but I almost imagine Hawkeye and his friends operating in their right this minute.

Seems to resemble something you’d see off of MASH to me. No disrespect, but I almost imagine Hawkeye and his friends operating in their right this minute.

74. Now this tent is said to be a real palace.

Yes, it may resemble a castle. But I bet it nowhere near resembles what the Weasleys' tent did on the inside.

Yes, it may resemble a castle. But I bet it nowhere near resembles what the Weasleys’ tent did on the inside.

75. For moving around, this teepee tent is just the ticket.

Of course, it's made from canvas instead of buffalo skins. But at least it does its job.

Of course, it’s made from canvas instead of buffalo skins. But at least it does its job.

76. Who knew a trampoline tent would make a great tent floor?

Well, a trampoline has a firm surface which beats dirt. However, might cause some bouncing during the night.

Well, a trampoline has a firm surface which beats dirt. However, might cause some bouncing during the night.

77. Guess these two really seemed to let themselves go.

Actually, it's just their tent. But yeah, this is pretty kitschy for the beach.

Actually, it’s just their tent. But yeah, this is pretty kitschy for the beach.

78. This camper surely lets in the sunlight.

I think this one came from the 1960s. And I'm sure it folds out at the destination.

I think this one came from the 1960s. And I’m sure it folds out at the destination.

79. Perhaps a wooden cabin fits best on the back of a truck.

Guess this RV was inspired by the Grapes of Wrath. Oh, wait that family didn't have an RV. What am I thinking?

Guess this RV was inspired by the Grapes of Wrath. Oh, wait that family didn’t have an RV. What am I thinking?

80. If you want to camp out on the water, a floating teepee will serve you well.

Even though Plains Indians didn't camp on the water or had rafts. Because the water ways weren't always navigable.

Even though Plains Indians didn’t camp on the water or had rafts. Because the water ways weren’t always navigable.

81. For camping on the bike trail, this tent trailer can’t be beat.

Sure it's quite small. But so is the thing that's pulling it. Let that sink in.

Sure it’s quite small. But so is the thing that’s pulling it. Let that sink in.

82. You’re sure to have plenty of room in this forest yurt.

Yurts are homes on the Mongolian steppe. Still, I'm sure the doors aren't real.

Yurts are homes on the Mongolian steppe. Still, I’m sure the doors aren’t real.

83. This rooftop tent comes with its own shade.

Well, it keeps the ladder concealed from view. However, the window is totally fake.

Well, it keeps the ladder concealed from view. However, the window is totally fake.

84. When you need a break, this tent might put you at ease.

This is a tent that turns into a hammock whenever need be. It just needs to be flipped over from time to time.

This is a tent that turns into a hammock whenever need be. It just needs to be flipped over from time to time.

85. With a tent like this, you can fall asleep while watching the stars.

Unless it's rainy. Because rain doesn't fall on clear nights, usually.

Unless it’s rainy. Because rain doesn’t fall on clear nights, usually.

86. Sometimes two stacked tents are better than one.

That seems like an interesting canvas watchtower. And unlike some of the rooftop tents on here, it's not attached to a car.

That seems like an interesting canvas watchtower. And unlike some of the rooftop tents on here, it’s not attached to a car.

87. A tent like this has to be out of this world.

Yes, this is a tent of a space module. No, I don't know if it goes with a space shuttle one but I'll try to find out.

Yes, this is a tent of a space module. No, I don’t know if it goes with a space shuttle one but I’ll try to find out.

88. How about camping out in a honeycomb?

Another crazy tent that I'd probably won't see at a campground. Guess this one has 3 stories at least.

Another crazy tent that I’d probably won’t see at a campground. Guess this one has 3 stories at least.

89. Are you sure you want to take your house with you?

Yes, this is a camper shaped like a house. Not sure about the architectural style here.

Yes, this is a camper shaped like a house. Not sure about the architectural style here.

90. Camper or mobile garden shed?

It's a camper that's supposed to resemble a gypsy caravan. Still, not a fan of the color.

It’s a camper that’s supposed to resemble a gypsy caravan. Still, not a fan of the color.

91. This camper comes with all the works.

Well, this seems to come with a desk and shelf for starters. And the shelf seems to store two bottles of wine.

Well, this seems to come with a desk and shelf for starters. And the shelf seems to store two bottles of wine.

92. There’s nothing like a camper with an aluminum roof.

Well, this seems to be a DIY by the looks of it. Like the windows. And it seems to match the truck colors, too.

Well, this seems to be a DIY by the looks of it. Like the windows. And it seems to match the truck colors, too.

93. Guess this one went with the BLT option.

Okay, it's a camper painted as a cheeseburger which is pretty tacky. But I'm sure my viewers would get a kick out of this.

Okay, it’s a camper painted as a cheeseburger which is pretty tacky. But I’m sure my viewers would get a kick out of this.

94. Guess the tent camper goes on top to save luggage room.

Well, the tent camper looks pretty normal sans the wheels. But this seems to be pretty crazy to put it on the roof of a truck.

Well, the tent camper looks pretty normal sans the wheels. But this seems to be pretty crazy to put it on the roof of a truck.

95. Apparently, you might want to make room for this RV.

Let's just say if you want to see Darth Vader camping, you'd could bet any money he'd be sleeping in this. Doesn't help that the front reminds me of an Imperial Storrmtrooper's squashed face.

Let’s just say if you want to see Darth Vader camping, you’d could bet any money he’d be sleeping in this. Doesn’t help that the front reminds me of an Imperial Storrmtrooper’s squashed face.

96. Well, this hot camper was made on fire.

I'm sure this person is a hot rod fan. Not sure if the flames make it look cool though.

I’m sure this person is a hot rod fan. Not sure if the flames make it look cool though.

97. How about a camper in the lap of luxury?

I know it seems like a resort lodge. But it's one of those campers that just happens to have a swimming pool. Like the woodwork though.

I know it seems like a resort lodge. But it’s one of those campers that just happens to have a swimming pool. Like the woodwork though.

98. Can’t decide whether this design is industrial or futuristic.

Or if it's a cross between a trailer truck and a prison. But I think it's pretty lucky. And I think the lights sticking up really don't help.

Or if it’s a cross between a trailer truck and a prison. But I think it’s pretty lucky. And I think the lights sticking up really don’t help.

99. Well, at least they don’t have to worry about fire emergencies.

Okay, maybe they do. But it's funny how this camper is attached to a fire truck. And not a red one.

Okay, maybe they do. But it’s funny how this camper is attached to a fire truck. And not a red one.

100. If you want more room, you could pitch the tent section.

It's called an ECOcombo off grid camper. Said to be solar powered and comes with its own boat.

It’s called an ECOcombo off grid camper. Said to be solar powered and comes with its own boat.

The Wonderful World of Playgrounds

playground

In our day in age, playgrounds are seen as places for children to experience the great outdoors, exercise, and frolic in a set of equipment in an urbanized environment. Of course, what kid doesn’t like to go on a slide, monkey bars, seesaws, swings, or the merry go round. Sometimes there may be a carousel where kids can ride on the horses as carnival music plays in the background. Now I can go on and on how so many of these playgrounds have cutesy and kid friendly imagery that makes such an outdoor wonderland all kid friendly and fun for the whole family. But of course, you wouldn’t want to see that. Instead, I’ll show you pictures of playgrounds that might traumatize your kids in years to come or may be just plain inappropriate. And I’m not going to show pictures of abandoned playgrounds which may be unsafe and unsanitary either. They’re either playground pieces designed by people on drugs, wanting to show artistic expression, or have no artistic skills to pull off any child friendly imagery. So without further adieu, here are some playground pieces that might scare off the kiddies. Also, most of these are in Russia by the way and some of these images may not be safe for work.

1. Jump over the low hanging bars with the white rhino and pig.

I'm sure if these were real, they wouldn't be very friendly. In fact, they seem like they would more likely eat children than play with them.

I’m sure if these were real, they wouldn’t be very friendly. In fact, they seem like they would more likely eat children than play with them.

2. Oh, look, a peasant family seems to be trying to uproot a new turnip.

I'm not sure what's going on between the mom and the dad but whatever it is, I don't want to know.

I’m not sure what’s going on between the mom and the dad but whatever it is, I don’t want to know. Still, I don’t know whether that’s really a plant or not.

3. Go ahead, climb up that friendly snake or dinosaur.

No, I don't think I'd want kids climbing on top of that thing. After all, it seems hungry for children as I could tell from its blank eyes and smile.

No, I don’t think I’d want kids climbing on top of that thing. After all, it seems hungry for children as I could tell from its blank eyes and smile.

4. Hey, kids, here is the Mirror People.

Of course, I'm sure they're not dangerous. Yet, I can't really tell by their blank but reflective expressions. Still, they'd be very great for a horror movie.

Of course, I’m sure they’re not dangerous. Yet, I can’t really tell by their blank but reflective expressions. Still, they’d be very great for a horror movie and could be aliens with ambitions for world domination for all I care.

5. You can always have great fun while playing in somebody’s chest cavity.

Now I wonder where those yellow legs came from. Still, this is kind of fucked up if you know what I mean.

Now I wonder where those yellow feet came from. Still, this is kind of fucked up if you know what I mean.

6. Oh, look, here’s Poseidon just arrived out of the ocean.

Now I think I've just become afraid of Poseidon since his arrival with his Hippocampi seem like he's just arrived from Hell instead of the sea.

Now I think I’ve just become afraid of Poseidon since his arrival with his Hippocampi seem like he’s just arrived from Hell instead of the sea.

7. Of course, he’s just an old harmless elf from the Keebler Tree.

Of course, he only has a machine gun and thinks he's the psycho soldier you see in any Vietnam War themed epic. You don't want to go near him.

Of course, he only has a machine gun and thinks he’s the psycho soldier you see in any Vietnam War themed epic. You don’t want to go near him.

8. Climb up and slide down this giant man’s legs.

Now how many legs does this guy have? It doesn't seem to be just two. Also, he doesn't have a nice expression on his face.

Now how many legs does this guy have? It doesn’t seem to be just two. Also, he doesn’t have a nice expression on his face.

9. Just a pig minding his own business.

Of course, Crispy Bacon just needed to take a short whiz since he'd been holding it in all day. He didn't expect to be caught by police for the crime of public urination or indecent exposure.

Of course, Crispy Bacon just needed to take a short whiz since he’d been holding it in all day. He didn’t expect to be caught by police for the crime of public urination or indecent exposure.

10. C’mon, kids, why don’t you just roll this beam with Bearikins and his pal Satan.

Now to see the Prince of Darkness in a playground piece would make me want to question the designer's judgement. I mean why is Satan in a playground seriously?

Now to see the Prince of Darkness in a playground piece would make me want to question the designer’s judgement. I mean why is Satan in a playground seriously? He’s the Devil.

11. Hey, there’s Harry the Hedgehog with an apple.

Don't look at me, but I think that apple is poisoned. I mean Harry the Hedgehog doesn't seem like he's up to any good. Also wants your soul.

Don’t look at me, but I think that apple is poisoned. I mean Harry the Hedgehog doesn’t seem like he’s up to any good. Also wants your soul.

12. Now isn’t that nice? Here’s the Big Bad Wolf and Peter Cottontail playing Twister.

Now this scene could either have the wolf eating the rabbit or something you wouldn't want to see in a Disney movie. Either way, it ain't good and may take playing with your food to a whole new meaning.

Now this scene could either have the wolf eating the rabbit or something you wouldn’t want to see in a Disney movie. Either way, it ain’t good and may take playing with your food to a whole new meaning.

13. “Greetings, earthlings, we come in peace.”

Now what the hell are these? They are either aliens from another galaxy or possibly the children of the corn. Yet, judging from their red eyes, I'm not sure they're harmless.

Now what the hell are these? They are either aliens from another galaxy or possibly the children of the corn. Yet, judging from their red eyes, I’m not sure they’re harmless.

14. Oh, dear, the poor dog hurt his leg.

I'm sure Scruffy set the mailman straight once and for all. Of course, he didn't have time to clean up the blood all over his fur though.

I’m sure Scruffy set the mailman straight once and for all. Of course, he didn’t have time to clean up the blood all over his fur though.

15. It’s fun to play on top of these, uh whatever they are.

Looks like these animals seemed to be some post-acpocalyptic monsters that arisen from some nuclear fall out from what I can tell. I wonder if these two souls know the truth.

Looks like these animals seemed to be some post-apocalyptic monsters that arisen from some nuclear fall out from what I can tell. I wonder if these two souls know the truth.

16. Now this creature seems like he’s really enjoying himself.

Unfortunately this young woman and her companion in the picture were never seen again after this. They thought going in the monster's mouth would just be a nice photo op. They had no idea.

Unfortunately this young woman and her companion in the picture were never seen again after this. They thought going in the monster’s mouth would just be a nice photo op. They had no idea of what lay before them.

17. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Joker.

Of course, seeing the Joker at a playground is never a good thing. He might blow it up and send the kiddies to kingdom come unless Batman shows up first.

Of course, seeing the Joker at a playground is never a good thing. He might blow it up and send the kiddies to kingdom come unless Batman shows up first.

18. C’mon kiddies, we want to play with you. Don’t be scared.

I'm an adult and even I find these supposedly kiddie figures terrifying for some reason. I'm sure they intend to suck the souls out of the children which is why they don't come out to play.

I’m an adult and even I find these supposedly kiddie figures terrifying for some reason. I’m sure they intend to suck the souls out of the children which is why they don’t come out to play.

19. Come and enjoy accordion music with Crocky and his friends.

I'm sure Crocky won't harm anybody but I'm not sure if I could trust him beneath his Elton John glasses. Also, his gremlin friend is missing an arm and is not happy about it.

I’m sure Crocky won’t harm anybody but I’m not sure if I could trust him beneath his Elton John glasses. Also, his gremlin friend is missing an arm and is not happy about it. Now I’m not sure if I want to hear, “Crocodile Polka.”

20. Take a trip on this lovely amusement park ride with Cthulhu.

I'm sure Cthulhu is a perfectly decent figure who won't do any harm to your kids. Of course, I was being sarcastic because Cthulhu is one of the more dangerous mythological entities that would annihilate you.

I’m sure Cthulhu is a perfectly decent figure who won’t do any harm to your kids. Of course, I was being sarcastic because Cthulhu is one of the more dangerous mythological entities that would annihilate you.

21. Come up and play with the house monsters and have a great time.

Those house monsters seem empty and only appear to have playground equipment with them so they could lure in children to devour.

Those house monsters seem empty and only appear to have playground equipment with them so they could lure in children to devour.

22. Nurse wants you to take your medicine.

Of course, this nurse may make you want to not venture into a doctor's office. Also, despite the stuffed rabbit in her arms, she is simply terrifying.

Of course, this nurse may make you want to not venture into a doctor’s office. Also, despite the stuffed rabbit in her arms, she is simply terrifying.

23. The doctor will now administer your shot please.

Now why in the hell would anyone have a playground figure like this? I mean there are adults terrified of needles, let alone kids. Horrifying indeed.

Now why in the hell would anyone have a playground figure like this? I mean there are adults terrified of needles, let alone kids. Horrifying indeed.

24. C’mon, play under the giant green octopus.

Let's hope this giant green octopus doesn't come to life and eat any children passing under it. Of course, there's suspicion that he may be responsible for eating some missing children in these parts.

Let’s hope this giant green octopus doesn’t come to life and eat any children passing under it. Of course, there’s suspicion that he may be responsible for eating some missing children in these parts.

25. Climb up and slide down this giant fly.

Now take it from someone who knows. It's a verified fact that large monstrous insects are terrifying. And this giant playground fly slide is no exception.

Now take it from someone who knows. It’s a verified fact that large monstrous insects are terrifying. And this giant playground fly slide is no exception.

26. Come up and slide on the giant lizard.

Now a realistic giant lizard for a slide is just too realistic and creepy. Still, why?

Now a realistic giant lizard for a slide is just too realistic and creepy. Still, why do this if it’s not a playground associated with reptiles?

27. Have some fun playing in a giant spider web.

Now I don't care what anyone else says about this. However, giant spiders are creepy, especially if they make giant webs. And we all know what a spider web is for.

Now I don’t care what anyone else says about this. However, giant spiders are creepy, especially if they make giant webs. And we all know what a spider web is for.

28. Come and play at the playground with the giant bugs.

Now, kiddos, I bring you the playground of your nightmares. Or rather my nightmares. Seriously, what's with the giant bugs?

Now, kiddos, I bring you the playground of your nightmares. Or rather my nightmares. Seriously, what’s with the giant bugs?

29. Now have your kids relive the Lilliputian experience with the Gulliver’s Travels playground set.

Still, I wonder if the designer realized that Gulliver's Travels isn't for kids. Seriously, Jonathan Swift wrote for adults.

Still, I wonder if the designer realized that Gulliver’s Travels isn’t for kids. Seriously, Jonathan Swift wrote for adults and yet Gulliver’s travels on Lilliput seem to be continuously adapted in children’s media.

30. Aw, look at the cute little playground animals.

Now this is no playground I want to be in. Seriously, this looks like a "Carnival of Nightmares," especially with that 4 footed clown faced statue.

Now this is no playground I want to be in. Seriously, this looks like a “Carnival of Nightmares,” especially with that 4 footed clown faced statue. Just because it’s in bright colors doesn’t mean it’s not scary.

31. These little black monsters just want to play with you.

Seriously, these aren't cute. They're creepy as hell, especially at night. I mean they seem like they want to eat you alive or something.

Seriously, these aren’t cute. They’re creepy as hell, especially at night. I mean they seem like they want to eat you alive or something.

32. Now every playground has to have a nice dog since everyone loves them.

I guess the inspiration for this was the designer seeing a ferocious junk yard dog that you wouldn't want to go near. More like a junk yard dog you'd see from the Muppets.

I guess the inspiration for this was the designer seeing a ferocious junk yard dog that you wouldn’t want to go near. More like a junk yard dog you’d see from the Muppets.

33. Oh, look here’s a centaur.

Please let this be a creature that walks on all fours. However, I really don't want to know which end is used for what. Just don't ask me.

Please let this be a creature that walks on all fours. However, I really don’t want to know which end is used for what. Just don’t ask me.

34. Look, kiddies, see the bird now go play on it.

I think I just regret saying that because this piece just scares the living crap out of me. Also, I'm not sure if I'd call it a bird or not.

I think I just regret saying that because this piece just scares the living crap out of me. Also, I’m not sure if I’d call it a bird or not.

35. Now let’s just frolic with this serpent thing near a manhole.

Let's just say whoever's fixing the pipes from under there should better get out from a different manhole. I mean this beast is prepared to kill you.

Let’s just say whoever’s fixing the pipes from under there should better get out from a different manhole. I mean this beast is prepared to kill you.

36. Playing on a mouse trap is so fun.

Seriously, Russia, this is one of the most fucked up pieces of playground equipment I've ever seen. I mean why would anyone think that a dead mouse in a mousetrap is a good idea for a kids' playground piece. Giant rats are terrifying enough but seeing them dead in a giant mouse trap, well, that's sick.

Seriously, Russia, this is one of the most fucked up pieces of playground equipment I’ve ever seen. I mean why would anyone think that a dead mouse in a mousetrap is a good idea for a kids’ playground piece. Giant rats are terrifying enough but seeing them dead in a giant mouse trap, well, that’s sick.

37. Climb atop on the dragon with the three colored bottles attached to him.

Sure it's a dragon but I wonder if it has those bottles to lure in adults instead of kids. Then again, I don't know what they symbolize.

Sure it’s a dragon but I wonder if it has those bottles to lure in adults instead of kids. Then again, I don’t know what they symbolize.

38. Now come inside a giant guy’s head to keep yourselves warm.

Now this is just messed up. I really don't understand why a playground piece like this exists and probably never will.

Now this is just messed up. I really don’t understand why a playground piece like this exists and probably never will.

39. This little boy seems to enjoy riding the shroom monster.

Though it dwells in aquatic habitats, the shroom monster eats shrooms. Also, this sculpture was probably created by somebody  on shrooms. Still, it does have a nightmarishly pleased look about it.

Though it dwells in aquatic habitats, the shroom monster eats shrooms. Also, this sculpture was probably created by somebody on shrooms. Still, it does have a nightmarishly pleased look about it.

40. Now here’s a nice lovely little fountain for a great aesthetic playground look.

Now I may understand that the figures may have lost their arms due to years of neglect. However, why the hell are they naked? Aren't playgrounds supposed to be for children for God's sake?

Now I may understand that the figures may have lost their arms due to years of neglect. However, why the hell are they naked? Aren’t playgrounds supposed to be for children for God’s sake?

41. The 3 headed green dragon really just wants to play.

Of course, I've never seen a 3 headed dragon this eager since Comic Con. I mean it certainly seems to take delight in devouring helpless nerds who want to pose with it for photo ops.

Of course, I’ve never seen a 3 headed dragon this eager since Comic Con. I mean it certainly seems to take delight in devouring helpless nerds who want to pose with it for photo ops.

42. Of course, what’s a playground without climbing rope?

Is it just me or do these playground ropes seem to be tied like hanging nooses at the ends? Of course, I hope this isn't in Russia and that kid doesn't seem to have to end it all. Because I know a convenient place he could do it.

Is it just me or do these playground ropes seem to be tied like hanging nooses at the ends? Of course, I hope this isn’t in Russia and that kid doesn’t seem to want to end it all. Because I know a convenient place he could do it.

43. Have a ball on the cow tongue slide.

Looks like this giant mutant 3 tongued mad cow was the result of a genetic experiment gone horribly wrong. That or perhaps it being an alien from outer space.

Looks like this giant mutant 3 tongued mad cow was the result of a genetic experiment gone horribly wrong. That or perhaps it being an alien from outer space.

44. Welcome to Satan’s fun house.

Now why would anyone think about using the Prince of Darkness as a mouth for a playground piece? Oh, I forget this is an Oni from Japan since it says Tokyo Times on the corner. Still, Oni and demons tend to look very similar.

Now why would anyone think about using the Prince of Darkness as a mouth for a playground piece? Oh, I forget this is an Oni from Japan since it says Tokyo Times on the corner.  My mistake. Still, Oni and demons tend to look very similar.

45. Oh, look at that cute little bear cub.

Okay, now real bear cubs don't look like they're something straight off from a science fiction TV show. This one does. Still, the fact that this cub lacks a nose makes it all the more disturbing.

Okay, now real bear cubs don’t look like they’re something straight off from a science fiction TV show. This one does. Still, the fact that this cub lacks a nose makes it all the more disturbing.

46. Hey, at least this elephant sculpture in Russia isn’t so scary.

Wait a minute, this one has kids climb into the elephant and slide out of its rear end. Oh, that's just gross. Seriously, why?

Wait a minute, this one has kids climb into the elephant and slide out of its rear end. Oh, that’s just gross. Seriously, why?

47. Now this is nice. A bunch of rainbow colored kids with hoops. Wonder what can go wrong there.

Is it just me or do these kids look like they're peeing and those hoops are waves of their piss over the tracks? This is disgusting. I mean why does this structure exist in the first place?

Is it just me or do these kids look like they’re peeing and those hoops are waves of their piss over the tracks? This is disgusting. I mean why does this structure exist in the first place?

48. Now here’s one with some girl about to get devoured by a giant wicked witch.

I know King Kong isn't exactly for kids. Yet, I think if a giant gorilla was in the place of the scary witch, I think it would be less likely to give children nightmares. Just sayin.'

I know King Kong isn’t exactly for kids. Yet, I think if a giant gorilla was in the place of the scary witch, I think it would be less likely to give children nightmares. Just sayin.’

49. Oh, cute, a veterinarian trying to see if the wild animals are healthy. What can possibly go wrong with that?

Then again, it could be just Walter White administering his special blue meth to the woodland creatures. I mean there's always a way to expand his drug operation isn't it?

Then again, it could be just Walter White administering his special blue meth to the woodland creatures. I mean there’s always a way to expand his drug operation isn’t there?

50. Now look at this nice little equipment piece.

This reminds me of a horror movie known as The Human Centipede except that it didn't walk around in circles. Still, for a playground equipment, this is fucked up.

This reminds me of a horror movie known as The Human Centipede except that it didn’t walk around in circles. Still, for a playground equipment, this is fucked up.

51. Now finally, a playground piece on “Little Red Riding Hood.”

Now this is just disturbing. Looks like the wolf is about to eat Little Red and he's not even in Grandma's nightie yet. Now that's doomed to traumatized kids for years.

Now this is just disturbing. Looks like the wolf is about to eat Little Red and he’s not even in Grandma’s nightie yet. Now that’s doomed to traumatized kids for years.

52. Okay, so there’s a statue of a bunch of kids playing. Now what can possibly go wrong with that?

Now this is just so inappropriate on many levels. Seriously, what the fuck? Also what's that in the back kid's butt? Okay, I don't want to know.

Now this is just so inappropriate on many levels. Seriously, what the fuck? Also what’s that in the back kid’s butt? Okay, I don’t want to know.

53. You don’t want to cross this 3 headed dragon.

Now despite the graffiti and years of neglect, this statue is just as terrifying as ever. Seriously, it looks hungry for children.

Now despite the graffiti and years of neglect, this statue is just as terrifying as ever. Seriously, it looks hungry for children.

54. Now join Hammy the pig and ride this magical carousel.

Ewww, seems that Hammy has man boobs or something. That's just not right on so many levels. Perhaps he should just cover up before the butcher comes.

Ewww, seems that Hammy has man boobs or something. That’s just not right on so many levels. Perhaps he should just cover up before the butcher comes.

55. So while you’re at the park, kiddos, don’t forget to slide down the cheese grater.

This boy seems utterly scared for dear life landing on the cheese grating slide. Perhaps he didn't see where he'd land before going down the slide.

This boy seems utterly scared for dear life landing on the cheese grating slide. Perhaps he didn’t see where he’d land before going down the slide.

56. Climb up and go down the slide through somebody’s giant disembodied head.

Now this is messed up. Let's just say modern sculpture and playground equipment don't mix okay? Also, kind of creepy to slide through somebody's ear to their neck.

Now this is messed up. Let’s just say modern sculpture and playground equipment don’t mix okay? Also, kind of creepy to slide through somebody’s ear to their neck.

57. Come up and play on this giant robot.

Of course, it's very angry and keeps telling itself to, "Kill the humans!" but being partway stuck in green astroturf makes it impossible.

Of course, it’s very angry and keeps telling itself to, “Kill the humans!” but being partway stuck in green astroturf makes it impossible.

58. Now let’s sit beside this nice old lady.

Okay, she seems like she seems less inclined in giving out sugar cookies and more likely to put you in the oven. Trust me, her eyes reveal the depths of her evil soul.

Okay, she seems like she seems less inclined in giving out sugar cookies and more likely to put you in the oven. Trust me, her eyes reveal the depths of her evil soul.

59. Now, kids, you can slide down a ferocious gorilla.

Now why did they put a slide at King Kong's right boob for God's sake? This is crazy. Then again between his legs would've been worse.

Now why did they put a slide at King Kong’s right boob for God’s sake? This is crazy. Then again between his legs would’ve been worse.

60. Now here’s a statue of a nice little creature we may not know about.

My mistake. Actually this little creature seems quite terrifying to say the least. I mean it doesn't seem to be quite happy.

My mistake. Actually this little creature seems quite terrifying to say the least. I mean it doesn’t seem to be quite happy as well as has a certain blood lust for vengeance.

61. Now that’s nice a cute little sheep playground piece. What can go wrong with that?

Wait a minute, that's not a sheep. It's a mutant creature with a sheep's head from Soviet genetic engineering. Now that's one of the scariest things I've ever seen.

Wait a minute, that’s not a sheep. It’s a mutant creature with a sheep’s head from Soviet genetic engineering. Now that’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen.

62. Now these two seem to have a very good time.

Oh, God, please don't tell me what I think the deer and the crocodile are doing. Either this will end in a bloodbath or something more depraved and ghastly I can't post on this blog.

Oh, God, please don’t tell me what I think the deer and the crocodile are doing. Either this will end in a bloodbath or something more depraved and ghastly I can’t post on this blog.

63. Come to the pool to swim with the wolf and the rabbit.

Now the wolf seems rather friendly. The rabbit on the other hand, not so much. In fact, from the look on his face, he seems to secretly hope that you drown.

Now the wolf seems rather friendly. The rabbit on the other hand, not so much. In fact, from the look on his face, he seems to secretly hope that you drown.

64. Now climb aboard this funky bird or psychedelic cuckoo.

Now this playground piece was perhaps created by someone on acid or too much vodka. Either that, or it's a bird that's simply out of its world. Still, very freaky and unlike anything that I ever saw to say the least.

Now this playground piece was perhaps created by someone on acid or too much vodka. Either that, or it’s a bird that’s simply out of its world. Still, very freaky and unlike anything that I ever saw to say the least.

65. Hey, kids, climb upon the giant crocodile.

For one, that croc seems very scary and perhaps too realistic to be kid friendly in any way. Second, are those knives coming out of it? Third, I don't think this is a safe piece for children to climb on to say the least.

For one, that croc seems very scary and perhaps too realistic to be kid friendly in any way. Second, are those knives coming out of it? Third, I don’t think this is a safe piece for children to climb on to say the least.

66. Now here is a nice girl statue in the park.

Well, now I know which playground the girl from The Exorcist hangs out at. Remind me to stay away from that place.

Well, now I know which playground the girl from The Exorcist hangs out at. Remind me to stay away from that place.

67. Aw, look at that little girl sitting with Cthulhu?

I'm sure this is nothing like having your kid sit on Santa Claus' lap. Rather this is much more disturbing since Cthulhu is pure evil. Hey, why is Cthulhu in a playground anyway?

I’m sure this is nothing like having your kid sit on Santa Claus’ lap. Rather this is much more disturbing since Cthulhu is pure evil. Hey, why is Cthulhu in a playground anyway?

68. Let’s play on this large yellow, whatever it is?