In our day in age, playgrounds are seen as places for children to experience the great outdoors, exercise, and frolic in a set of equipment in an urbanized environment. Of course, what kid doesn’t like to go on a slide, monkey bars, seesaws, swings, or the merry go round. Sometimes there may be a carousel where kids can ride on the horses as carnival music plays in the background. Now I can go on and on how so many of these playgrounds have cutesy and kid friendly imagery that makes such an outdoor wonderland all kid friendly and fun for the whole family. But of course, you wouldn’t want to see that. Instead, I’ll show you pictures of playgrounds that might traumatize your kids in years to come or may be just plain inappropriate. And I’m not going to show pictures of abandoned playgrounds which may be unsafe and unsanitary either. They’re either playground pieces designed by people on drugs, wanting to show artistic expression, or have no artistic skills to pull off any child friendly imagery. So without further adieu, here are some playground pieces that might scare off the kiddies. Also, most of these are in Russia by the way and some of these images may not be safe for work.
1. Jump over the low hanging bars with the white rhino and pig.
I’m sure if these were real, they wouldn’t be very friendly. In fact, they seem like they would more likely eat children than play with them.
2. Oh, look, a peasant family seems to be trying to uproot a new turnip.
I’m not sure what’s going on between the mom and the dad but whatever it is, I don’t want to know. Still, I don’t know whether that’s really a plant or not.
3. Go ahead, climb up that friendly snake or dinosaur.
No, I don’t think I’d want kids climbing on top of that thing. After all, it seems hungry for children as I could tell from its blank eyes and smile.
4. Hey, kids, here is the Mirror People.
Of course, I’m sure they’re not dangerous. Yet, I can’t really tell by their blank but reflective expressions. Still, they’d be very great for a horror movie and could be aliens with ambitions for world domination for all I care.
5. You can always have great fun while playing in somebody’s chest cavity.
Now I wonder where those yellow feet came from. Still, this is kind of fucked up if you know what I mean.
6. Oh, look, here’s Poseidon just arrived out of the ocean.
Now I think I’ve just become afraid of Poseidon since his arrival with his Hippocampi seem like he’s just arrived from Hell instead of the sea.
7. Of course, he’s just an old harmless elf from the Keebler Tree.
Of course, he only has a machine gun and thinks he’s the psycho soldier you see in any Vietnam War themed epic. You don’t want to go near him.
8. Climb up and slide down this giant man’s legs.
Now how many legs does this guy have? It doesn’t seem to be just two. Also, he doesn’t have a nice expression on his face.
9. Just a pig minding his own business.
Of course, Crispy Bacon just needed to take a short whiz since he’d been holding it in all day. He didn’t expect to be caught by police for the crime of public urination or indecent exposure.
10. C’mon, kids, why don’t you just roll this beam with Bearikins and his pal Satan.
Now to see the Prince of Darkness in a playground piece would make me want to question the designer’s judgement. I mean why is Satan in a playground seriously? He’s the Devil.
11. Hey, there’s Harry the Hedgehog with an apple.
Don’t look at me, but I think that apple is poisoned. I mean Harry the Hedgehog doesn’t seem like he’s up to any good. Also wants your soul.
12. Now isn’t that nice? Here’s the Big Bad Wolf and Peter Cottontail playing Twister.
Now this scene could either have the wolf eating the rabbit or something you wouldn’t want to see in a Disney movie. Either way, it ain’t good and may take playing with your food to a whole new meaning.
13. “Greetings, earthlings, we come in peace.”
Now what the hell are these? They are either aliens from another galaxy or possibly the children of the corn. Yet, judging from their red eyes, I’m not sure they’re harmless.
14. Oh, dear, the poor dog hurt his leg.
I’m sure Scruffy set the mailman straight once and for all. Of course, he didn’t have time to clean up the blood all over his fur though.
15. It’s fun to play on top of these, uh whatever they are.
Looks like these animals seemed to be some post-apocalyptic monsters that arisen from some nuclear fall out from what I can tell. I wonder if these two souls know the truth.
16. Now this creature seems like he’s really enjoying himself.
Unfortunately this young woman and her companion in the picture were never seen again after this. They thought going in the monster’s mouth would just be a nice photo op. They had no idea of what lay before them.
17. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Joker.
Of course, seeing the Joker at a playground is never a good thing. He might blow it up and send the kiddies to kingdom come unless Batman shows up first.
18. C’mon kiddies, we want to play with you. Don’t be scared.
I’m an adult and even I find these supposedly kiddie figures terrifying for some reason. I’m sure they intend to suck the souls out of the children which is why they don’t come out to play.
19. Come and enjoy accordion music with Crocky and his friends.
I’m sure Crocky won’t harm anybody but I’m not sure if I could trust him beneath his Elton John glasses. Also, his gremlin friend is missing an arm and is not happy about it. Now I’m not sure if I want to hear, “Crocodile Polka.”
20. Take a trip on this lovely amusement park ride with Cthulhu.
I’m sure Cthulhu is a perfectly decent figure who won’t do any harm to your kids. Of course, I was being sarcastic because Cthulhu is one of the more dangerous mythological entities that would annihilate you.
21. Come up and play with the house monsters and have a great time.
Those house monsters seem empty and only appear to have playground equipment with them so they could lure in children to devour.
22. Nurse wants you to take your medicine.
Of course, this nurse may make you want to not venture into a doctor’s office. Also, despite the stuffed rabbit in her arms, she is simply terrifying.
23. The doctor will now administer your shot please.
Now why in the hell would anyone have a playground figure like this? I mean there are adults terrified of needles, let alone kids. Horrifying indeed.
24. C’mon, play under the giant green octopus.
Let’s hope this giant green octopus doesn’t come to life and eat any children passing under it. Of course, there’s suspicion that he may be responsible for eating some missing children in these parts.
25. Climb up and slide down this giant fly.
Now take it from someone who knows. It’s a verified fact that large monstrous insects are terrifying. And this giant playground fly slide is no exception.
26. Come up and slide on the giant lizard.
Now a realistic giant lizard for a slide is just too realistic and creepy. Still, why do this if it’s not a playground associated with reptiles?
27. Have some fun playing in a giant spider web.
Now I don’t care what anyone else says about this. However, giant spiders are creepy, especially if they make giant webs. And we all know what a spider web is for.
28. Come and play at the playground with the giant bugs.
Now, kiddos, I bring you the playground of your nightmares. Or rather my nightmares. Seriously, what’s with the giant bugs?
29. Now have your kids relive the Lilliputian experience with the Gulliver’s Travels playground set.
Still, I wonder if the designer realized that Gulliver’s Travels isn’t for kids. Seriously, Jonathan Swift wrote for adults and yet Gulliver’s travels on Lilliput seem to be continuously adapted in children’s media.
30. Aw, look at the cute little playground animals.
Now this is no playground I want to be in. Seriously, this looks like a “Carnival of Nightmares,” especially with that 4 footed clown faced statue. Just because it’s in bright colors doesn’t mean it’s not scary.
31. These little black monsters just want to play with you.
Seriously, these aren’t cute. They’re creepy as hell, especially at night. I mean they seem like they want to eat you alive or something.
32. Now every playground has to have a nice dog since everyone loves them.
I guess the inspiration for this was the designer seeing a ferocious junk yard dog that you wouldn’t want to go near. More like a junk yard dog you’d see from the Muppets.
33. Oh, look here’s a centaur.
Please let this be a creature that walks on all fours. However, I really don’t want to know which end is used for what. Just don’t ask me.
34. Look, kiddies, see the bird now go play on it.
I think I just regret saying that because this piece just scares the living crap out of me. Also, I’m not sure if I’d call it a bird or not.
35. Now let’s just frolic with this serpent thing near a manhole.
Let’s just say whoever’s fixing the pipes from under there should better get out from a different manhole. I mean this beast is prepared to kill you.
36. Playing on a mouse trap is so fun.
Seriously, Russia, this is one of the most fucked up pieces of playground equipment I’ve ever seen. I mean why would anyone think that a dead mouse in a mousetrap is a good idea for a kids’ playground piece. Giant rats are terrifying enough but seeing them dead in a giant mouse trap, well, that’s sick.
37. Climb atop on the dragon with the three colored bottles attached to him.
Sure it’s a dragon but I wonder if it has those bottles to lure in adults instead of kids. Then again, I don’t know what they symbolize.
38. Now come inside a giant guy’s head to keep yourselves warm.
Now this is just messed up. I really don’t understand why a playground piece like this exists and probably never will.
39. This little boy seems to enjoy riding the shroom monster.
Though it dwells in aquatic habitats, the shroom monster eats shrooms. Also, this sculpture was probably created by somebody on shrooms. Still, it does have a nightmarishly pleased look about it.
40. Now here’s a nice lovely little fountain for a great aesthetic playground look.
Now I may understand that the figures may have lost their arms due to years of neglect. However, why the hell are they naked? Aren’t playgrounds supposed to be for children for God’s sake?
41. The 3 headed green dragon really just wants to play.
Of course, I’ve never seen a 3 headed dragon this eager since Comic Con. I mean it certainly seems to take delight in devouring helpless nerds who want to pose with it for photo ops.
42. Of course, what’s a playground without climbing rope?
Is it just me or do these playground ropes seem to be tied like hanging nooses at the ends? Of course, I hope this isn’t in Russia and that kid doesn’t seem to want to end it all. Because I know a convenient place he could do it.
43. Have a ball on the cow tongue slide.
Looks like this giant mutant 3 tongued mad cow was the result of a genetic experiment gone horribly wrong. That or perhaps it being an alien from outer space.
44. Welcome to Satan’s fun house.
Now why would anyone think about using the Prince of Darkness as a mouth for a playground piece? Oh, I forget this is an Oni from Japan since it says Tokyo Times on the corner. My mistake. Still, Oni and demons tend to look very similar.
45. Oh, look at that cute little bear cub.
Okay, now real bear cubs don’t look like they’re something straight off from a science fiction TV show. This one does. Still, the fact that this cub lacks a nose makes it all the more disturbing.
46. Hey, at least this elephant sculpture in Russia isn’t so scary.
Wait a minute, this one has kids climb into the elephant and slide out of its rear end. Oh, that’s just gross. Seriously, why?
47. Now this is nice. A bunch of rainbow colored kids with hoops. Wonder what can go wrong there.
Is it just me or do these kids look like they’re peeing and those hoops are waves of their piss over the tracks? This is disgusting. I mean why does this structure exist in the first place?
48. Now here’s one with some girl about to get devoured by a giant wicked witch.
I know King Kong isn’t exactly for kids. Yet, I think if a giant gorilla was in the place of the scary witch, I think it would be less likely to give children nightmares. Just sayin.’
49. Oh, cute, a veterinarian trying to see if the wild animals are healthy. What can possibly go wrong with that?
Then again, it could be just Walter White administering his special blue meth to the woodland creatures. I mean there’s always a way to expand his drug operation isn’t there?
50. Now look at this nice little equipment piece.
This reminds me of a horror movie known as The Human Centipede except that it didn’t walk around in circles. Still, for a playground equipment, this is fucked up.
51. Now finally, a playground piece on “Little Red Riding Hood.”
Now this is just disturbing. Looks like the wolf is about to eat Little Red and he’s not even in Grandma’s nightie yet. Now that’s doomed to traumatized kids for years.
52. Okay, so there’s a statue of a bunch of kids playing. Now what can possibly go wrong with that?
Now this is just so inappropriate on many levels. Seriously, what the fuck? Also what’s that in the back kid’s butt? Okay, I don’t want to know.
53. You don’t want to cross this 3 headed dragon.
Now despite the graffiti and years of neglect, this statue is just as terrifying as ever. Seriously, it looks hungry for children.
54. Now join Hammy the pig and ride this magical carousel.
Ewww, seems that Hammy has man boobs or something. That’s just not right on so many levels. Perhaps he should just cover up before the butcher comes.
55. So while you’re at the park, kiddos, don’t forget to slide down the cheese grater.
This boy seems utterly scared for dear life landing on the cheese grating slide. Perhaps he didn’t see where he’d land before going down the slide.
56. Climb up and go down the slide through somebody’s giant disembodied head.
Now this is messed up. Let’s just say modern sculpture and playground equipment don’t mix okay? Also, kind of creepy to slide through somebody’s ear to their neck.
57. Come up and play on this giant robot.
Of course, it’s very angry and keeps telling itself to, “Kill the humans!” but being partway stuck in green astroturf makes it impossible.
58. Now let’s sit beside this nice old lady.
Okay, she seems like she seems less inclined in giving out sugar cookies and more likely to put you in the oven. Trust me, her eyes reveal the depths of her evil soul.
59. Now, kids, you can slide down a ferocious gorilla.
Now why did they put a slide at King Kong’s right boob for God’s sake? This is crazy. Then again between his legs would’ve been worse.
60. Now here’s a statue of a nice little creature we may not know about.
My mistake. Actually this little creature seems quite terrifying to say the least. I mean it doesn’t seem to be quite happy as well as has a certain blood lust for vengeance.
61. Now that’s nice a cute little sheep playground piece. What can go wrong with that?
Wait a minute, that’s not a sheep. It’s a mutant creature with a sheep’s head from Soviet genetic engineering. Now that’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen.
62. Now these two seem to have a very good time.
Oh, God, please don’t tell me what I think the deer and the crocodile are doing. Either this will end in a bloodbath or something more depraved and ghastly I can’t post on this blog.
63. Come to the pool to swim with the wolf and the rabbit.
Now the wolf seems rather friendly. The rabbit on the other hand, not so much. In fact, from the look on his face, he seems to secretly hope that you drown.
64. Now climb aboard this funky bird or psychedelic cuckoo.
Now this playground piece was perhaps created by someone on acid or too much vodka. Either that, or it’s a bird that’s simply out of its world. Still, very freaky and unlike anything that I ever saw to say the least.
65. Hey, kids, climb upon the giant crocodile.
For one, that croc seems very scary and perhaps too realistic to be kid friendly in any way. Second, are those knives coming out of it? Third, I don’t think this is a safe piece for children to climb on to say the least.
66. Now here is a nice girl statue in the park.
Well, now I know which playground the girl from The Exorcist hangs out at. Remind me to stay away from that place.
67. Aw, look at that little girl sitting with Cthulhu?
I’m sure this is nothing like having your kid sit on Santa Claus’ lap. Rather this is much more disturbing since Cthulhu is pure evil. Hey, why is Cthulhu in a playground anyway?
68. Let’s play on this large yellow, whatever it is?
The fact this creature is eyeless with a toothy smile makes me not want to go near it. I mean, it’s the stuff of nightmares.
69. Aw, look at that cute little sheep.
This piece of mutton may look harmless. Yet, look into its eyes and it seems to have a sinister disposition. I would worry about that coming to life.
70. Climb aboard and play on this large, block monster.
Now this guy reminds me of the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. Well, the Tin Man if he didn’t have a heart and didn’t want one.
71. Now let’s run through the tall guy in green’s legs.
I’m sure the tall guy reminds me of the giant from “Jack in the Beanstalk” if he was a really natty dresser. Still, he may lust for the blood of an Englishman, or a Russian in that matter. Of course, he’ll take what he can get.
72. Hey, look at that nice friendly robot.
This is actually one of the few American playground pieces on this list. Still, it doesn’t seem to look very friendly or has some sneaky side. Also, its walls remind me of a prison.
73. Now let’s play on this old Soviet tank. It’s fun.
Now there are some pieces that should never be recycled into playground equipment. Tanks are one of these. Still, why Russia, why?
74. Now there’s Count Orlok sucking his fingers.
Yes, that certainly reminds me of the vampire I’ve seen from the 1922 horror classic Nosferatu. At least he didn’t sparkle in the sunlight unlike another vampire we’re familiar with.
75. Oh, look it’s the 3 little pigs.
Or at least the soulless recreations of them. Still, I don’t mind if the Big Bad Wolf eats them for I’d fear they’d eat me.