The Wonderful World of Regatta Floats

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 6, 2015

Every year on the 4th of July the city Pittsburgh hosts an annual Three Rivers Regatta. Well, they had it this year except they didn’t feature the boat stuff since it had rained a lot lately and the water was too high. Besides, there was a lot of debris floating in the rivers anyway. But they kept the other stuff in. Still, technically a regatta is supposed to be a series of boat races usually pertaining to sail and row boats. It’s usually a competition among amateurs. But it’s a formally structured event with comprehensive rules describing the schedule and procedures. Nevertheless, most of them are done for fun. Still, take the boats out of the Three Rivers Regatta, and it’s not really a regatta at all. It’s just a 4th of July festival. Nevertheless, there all kinds of regattas depending on the type of boat or particular area with most taking place in the summer. You might have a regatta organized by the rich snooty yacht club consisting entitled Ivy League prep school brats on their row boats. But these I’ll show will pertain to boats that have a more creative or humorous spin to them. So without further adieu, here are some lovely regatta floats you might want to see.

1. Well, at least we know that the giant whale didn’t swallow anybody.

Still, I think this float looks quite awkward with this boat not having the cover down the middle. Reminds me of a fish skeleton of some sort.

2. So is this for the regatta or the air show?

Probably regatta because highly doubt that this plane could fly. But whether it will float, I’ll have to see for myself. Hope it doesn’t get too wet.

3. All these people wanted was a nice raft with a cottage house covered with ivy.

“People navigate along the Lielupe river as they participate in the milk carton boat regatta in Jelgava August 30, 2014. Thirty eight teams used about 40,000 empty milk tetra packs to build rafts as part of the XIV International festival of milk, bread and honey.” from Reuters. Still, I wonder if that structure or the people on it will cause some accident of sorts.

4. All you need for a regatta float are a couple of barrels and a bathtub.

And I see they gave the bathtub a paint job. Not sure if that will help. Also, hope there’s nothing in the barrels.

5. Guess Cinderella has to leave the pirate ship party by midnight.

Hope Cinderella doesn’t share a dance with Captain Morgan. Heard that guy really has a drinking problem. Then again, most Golden Age pirates were former sailors impressed while drunk at a tavern. Seriously, it’s no wonder they loved their rum.

6. Seems like we have a man overboard with the large truck on a raft.

Well, at least he has a life jacket on so I hope he lands in the water. Didn’t know they had a Sweet & Low upholstery service.

7. For a regatta float: If you don’t have cardboard, then barrels and a trampoline will do.

Well, I’m not sure if bouncing on a trampoline is a good idea in a body of water. Of course, they’re wise to have some safety procedures.

8. Got a swing set in your yard? Why not build a boat out of it?

And for a patriotic touch, they painted it red, white, and blue. Sure wonder whether they’re using the swings.

9. Now this is a manly kind of float that’s included with studio wrestling.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure if engaging in WWE antics will help win the boat race. Perhaps these two should just spend more time rowing than fighting.

10. Sure you can make a regatta float, but you can’t make one that might also serve as a tiki bar.

Of course, I wouldn’t be surprised if this float was built in Hawaii. But, hey, at least these people have a roof over their heads. I just want to know the maximum weight.

11. Nothing makes a better regatta float than one of a rat over raisins.

Okay, now this is quite disturbing. Not sure why anyone would want a rat float. Rats are disgusting vermin. And a giant one is the stuff of nightmares.

12. Looks like it’s a job for the water caterpillar.

Unlike real caterpillars, I’m sure this one helps with landscaping and construction in Atlantis. Then again, if it did, it would’ve been a submarine.

13. There are regattas that have races for sail boats. Yet, some tend to go on with a ship.

Seems like a boat like this can go with sails and rows. Wonder why they have rope ladders to the masts.

14. Introducing team log jammer.

Wonder if they’ll get to see their photos of themselves as they go down the waterfall portion. Like they have at Splash Mountain or Kennywood in my neck of the woods.

15. You heard of the Batmobile. Well, prepare to meet the Batcanoe.

I’m sure the real Batcanoe would be far more impressive. But this kid looks quite cute rowing it and it’ll probably stand a better chance of floating, too.

16. At the regatta, it helps if you spruce up your amphibious vehicle with an umbrella and flowers to give it a nice cozy feel.

Of course, with the color scheme, I would’ve sworn it was more suited as a construction vehicle. And find the flowers and umbrella a very odd decorating scheme, indeed.

17. Ahoy, mateys! Get on board the ol’ pumpkinship.

I think there’s an actual regatta with pumpkin boats as far as I’ve seen on Google Images. Still, how they managed to find pumpkins this big to carve out, I’ll never know.

18. Of course, even a giant pencil can make a great canoe if you put in the effort.

Hope it doesn’t run into the writing paper raft. Because any marks it leaves will leave to smudges if they’re ever erased. Well, in some pencil boats anyway.

19. You can always build a float out of barrels and piping if you set your mind to it.

Now I wonder who the hell thought of adding a canopy like that. Just seems quite alien to me. Then again, maybe it was designed by someone from another planet or galaxy.

20. When it comes to regatta floats, you can always decorate it as a 1950s hangout.

Let’s hope nobody falls overboard during the sock hop. Because that certainly won’t be cool, especially if it’s a woman wearing a poodle skirt. Love the LP decorations though and the pink.

21. Yes, your boat may be cool, but does it have its own waterslide?

Okay, not this looks like fun. Sure it’s not a great photo since it’s shown at a distance. But sometimes you have to take what you can get.

22. It’s been said that beer cans tend to be the best material for boats for those who want to build one.

This might be from a beer can regatta in Australia which takes place around the Christmas season or before March. Still, if I saw that many beer cans to build a boat here, I’d wonder if any of the crew members have a drinking problem.

23. Oh, look there’s a shark and it wants to eat us!

Now I know this is a regatta float with a Jaws theme and I’m sure the shark isn’t real. Still, I’m wondering if these kids are going need a bigger boat.

24. Now this regatta float theme is, a tribute to Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger.

Yes, a regatta float tribute to a great pilot of great competence and know how who became a hero of the Hudson. Still, I’m sure this won’t fly though but who cares? It’s the thought that counts.

25. We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine.

Of course, in a regatta float post like this, you should know that a yellow submarine float was coming. Still, I’d really would want a yellow submarine float picture from a different angle than this.

26. Now this regatta float was made possible by your neighborhood crazy cat ladies.

Let me guess, this float is manned by a bunch of middle aged to elderly women who are either lesbians or terminally single that they see cats like their own children. Then again, they could just be a bunch of cat hoarders who take in any feral feline they can find which is very much ill-advised. But I really don’t want to be stereotypical here.

27. Like the ill-fated 1912 ship, this Titanic float seems headed for disaster.

But unlike the real disaster, there will probably be no major fatalities from this sinking. Of course, you have to be careful with cardboard, especially if you’re on a boat made from that stuff.

28. Of course, at any regatta event, you’re eventually bound to run into a pirate ship.

Of course, it’s probably as an accurate rendition to a Golden Age pirate ship as you see in the movies. Still, because of pirate movies, I’m sure these people have no idea what real Golden Age pirates actually did.

29. When it comes to river transportation, you can’t do better than double decker bus.

What’s surprising about this float is that it’s in a Canadian competition. Which is strange to me since I always associate red double decker buses with Great Britain. Then again Canada was once a British colony.

30. Now your regatta rowboat always needs an intimidating figure head. I’m not sure if this one cuts it.

Reminds me of a cartoon sketch in which a Viking is trying to buy a boat with a gruesome figurehead only to find that all the boats have cute little animals on them. However, unlike that sketch, I really think this duck head was intentional.

31. These two pilots seem to be flying high in the open water.

Of course, while duct tape does make a great adhesive, it’s also great for decoration on floats like these. Still, wish I can see the whole thing but photos can only fit so much.

32. Big wheel, keep on turnin.’ Proud Mary keep on burnin.’ Rollin,’ rollin,’ rollin’ on the river.

And boy, what a big wheel it is that it seems so vastly out of proportion to the boat it’s attached to. Seriously, look at the thing. It’s freaking huge!

33. Well, at least during the regatta, there will be an ambulance standing by in case of a boating accident.

Of course, I’m sure this float is too small for any real medical emergencies. Still, it’s pretty clever. Not sure if it’s from Great Britain though. Probably not.

34. Show your patriotic spirit at the regatta with this American flag raft.

Whoever did a raft like this has way better drawing and painting skills than I do. Still, at least they used crates and barrels.

35. Hate to know what’s coming out of that funky trailer truck smokestack.

Now this float is said to be sponsored by the local food bank. However, I think it's just a front for Willy Wonka. Seriously, no semi discharges smoke like that. Not in a million years.

Now this float is said to be sponsored by the local food bank. However, I think it’s just a front for Willy Wonka. Seriously, no trailer truck discharges smoke like that. Not in a million years.

36. Play the guitar? How about a guitar raft?

Yeah, I think this guitar really isn’t for playing since it’s derived from cardboard. But it’s a pretty accurate rendition, artistically speaking, that is.

37. For their regatta float, these people decided to take their whole house with them.

Of course, this is too small to be a real house as well as much prettier than what many people could afford (as a real house, that is). Still, this team must have a very good designer or architect.

38. Look out, here comes two girl rowers on an aircraft carrier.

Now I wonder if this event is just a regatta or some weird form of Battleship. Seems like it’s made from Styrofoam which I highly advise against as a packing material.

39. Well, at least the people on this float have a place for their private business.

Sure it’s nice to go with the whole rustic Texas theme. But I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to perpetuate possible stereotypes about yourselves. You don’t want people to get the wrong idea about you.

40. For your regatta float, you can’t go wrong with the turtle.

Now this is definitely a pumpkin float if you look inside. And I’m sure it’s only made for one person. Still, wherever this guy lives, I’m sure the pumpkins there have some kind of abnormality that makes the grow excessively huge.

41. Hey, look, is that the Scooby Doo Mystery Machine?

Just for the record, Scooby Doo is a horribly written mystery cartoon about a group of teenagers who travel in a hippie van with their oversized dog. Oh, and the villains are usually people in monster masks. Seriously, couldn’t they just have the villains not wear the masks sometimes? Like real murder mysteries akin to Agatha Christie, Dashiell Hammet, Raymond Chandler, or Arthur Conan Doyle?

42. Nothing makes a regatta float than one of a dead possum covered in duct tape.

For those familiar with Canadian Television or PBS several years ago might get this reference. For those who don’t, well, it’s pretty hard for me to explain.

43. Remember, a couch may be comfy to sit on. But it also makes a rather handy flotation device.

Of course, I have to make a special discretion for those at West Virginia University. Remember, you can do more with couches than just burn them in the event of a victory party at your sporting events. Seriously, couch burning is illegal in Morgantown. In fact, it’s illegal anywhere, especially if the couch in question is not yours.

44. For those hard to reach spots, a crane truck can do just fine.

Not sure if it actually works. But it seems to do quite well in the water and really stand out. Got to appreciate the magic of cardboard.

45. Seems like this pirate ship has too many people rocking the boat.

Looks like they have to throw a man or two overboard before they could get ship shape. Either that or at least perhaps try to give the boat an equal weight distribution.

46. Of course, what’s a regatta if you don’t have an old timey riverboat there?

Nevertheless, from what I’ve read, real steamboats weren’t the safest things and were very prone to catching fire. So this cardboard cut out is probably much safer than the real thing.

47. Introducing the one and only water dragon.

Not sure how they manage to keep this one together before it was in the water. Oh, yes, ropes. But still, will it be in one piece at the finish line? I’m not so sure.

48. Of course, when it comes to regattas, even Disney fans want to cash in on the action.

And it seems that these people are avid fans of Aladdin. I mean they have a Genie float after plans for a magic carpet raft fell through.

49. Want to decorate your float but don’t want it to sink? Remember, that pool toys are just as good decorations as any.

Not sure if I share these girls’ taste in decorating. In fact, I actually think this float is kind of tacky. But I’m sure it’ll probably not sink as long as it’s not carrying more than its capacity.

50. In ancient times, it wasn’t uncommon for people to build sail boats out of aluminum beer cans.

Actually, I’m just kidding about that. This is probably for a beer can regatta in Australia. But still, it kind of gives you an impression that it was used during an ancient civilization.

51. Now a float like this can take any spectator into the Prehistoric Era.

Well, if you imagine the Prehistoric Era akin to what you see on The Flinstones or in some stupid Creationist museum in Kentucky. Still, that T-Rex seems to come straight from some cheap theme park, not Jurassic Park.

52. See the Pharaoh being rowed on his Nile River cruise by his royal attendants.

Now I don’t have an issue with the boat here even if the side is in hieroglyphics. What my problem is with the guys in red hats. Seriously, those are Pharaoh hats for Lower Egypt. I’m not sure if there should be 2 of them.

53. I’m sure this Viking boat will make a grand addition at Valhalla.

Now these guys may like Vikings. But I’m not sure if they know a lot about them. For instance, real Vikings didn’t wear horned helmets. Seriously, it wouldn’t be practical in the heat of battle.

54. While some race on the regatta by boat, some just take the shuttle.

And by “shuttle” I mean space shuttle. Of course, it may not take these girls to space. But it just as well might take them to the finish line, which is just as well.

55. Of course, if you’re entering a regatta with your Sunday school class, you’d probably do a float of Noah’s Ark.

Now this doesn’t look like a good rendition of Noah’s Ark. And believe me, I saw the Darren Aronofsky movie. Then again, these people were on a tight budget so their cardboard ark is understandable. Darren Aronofsky on the other hand…..

56. Of course, nothing at the regatta makes your team look fierce than having a pink dragon boat.

Now I get the dragon. But I’m not sure about the pink other than to really stand out. On the other hand, there whole scheme might be about raising breast cancer awareness.

57. Oh, my God, it’s the cops. Quick, let’s get out of here before they make us pull over.

My mistake, it’s just a couple of people having a good time in a float that happens to be of a police car. Yeah, sorry for the false alarm here.

58. Not I’m sure this team has a real shot at winning one of the regatta races.

Now I don’t know about you but sometimes a float of a hypodermic needle can be a fine line between clever and intimidating. I mean my dad squirms when he sees needles being injected onscreen.

59. Nothing makes a regatta worthwhile than having a float with a brightly colored macaw on it.

Of course, this macaw seems like a rather happy camper to many. Still, quite colorful to say the least.

60. Of course, this barrel monster is sure to strike terror in the souls of competitors.

Of course, this sea monster might not be anywhere near intimidating. But I’m sure the plastic barrels will do just fine in regards to flotation.

61. If they row any faster, I wonder if this boat will fly.

Of course, it won’t fly even with the propellers spinning. But you got to hand it to them, it sure pays to be in the shade.

62. When it comes to regattas, everyone should be able to float their own tree houses.

I’m not sure if anyone could fit in that house. But these kids really seem to be proud of it even if it’s made from cardboard.

63. Seems like someone wants to really hammer in the competition.

I know this is for Australia’s Darwin Beer Can Regatta. Still, I can’t help but wonder whether the owners may be cheating.

64. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the Ill Eagle.

Now this might be a play on words here. But I’m sure this is from an American team where the bald eagle is its national symbol.

65. Hmmm….not sure if I’d want fries with that or not.

Still, you have to question whether this might add on to the obesity crisis in America and abroad. Seriously, let’s just say that fast food isn’t for me. Nor will it ever be.

66. Nothing makes a regatta like a float of a pink jeep.

Now I’m not sure whether it looks badass, clever, or tacky. May be a combination of all 3 for all I know.

67. For all I know, this Energizer Bunny float can just keep going and going.

Wait a minute, is that really an Energizer Bunny float or just a pig with sunglasses? If so, then where the hell is its drum? If not, then I’ll put it on here.

68. Of course, in case of a fire, we have a firetruck and other emergency vehicles standing by.

$Sure it might be a bit redundant having a fire truck on the water. But still, the water could be contaminated with flammable chemicals for all we know like fracking fluid. So it pays to stay on the safe side.$

Sure it might be a bit redundant having a fire truck on the water. But still, the water could be contaminated with flammable chemicals for all we know like fracking fluid. So it pays to stay on the safe side.

69. Have a duck float and pretty soon everyone is going around making duck faces.

Then again, it may be a swan or a goose for all I know. The bill doesn’t seem ducklike to me for some reason. But the costumes certainly do.

70. Now this hotdog float is bound to give the $5 foot long a whole new meaning.

Okay, maybe not since the $5 foot long is from Subway. But I’m sure that you wouldn’t want ketchup or mustard on this thing in the very least.

71. Now by Thor’s hammer, this is a Viking ship well fitting for any regatta.

Now something tells me that the crew will be wearing horned Viking helmets. I’m sure this will give the Mighty Thor and Loki a facepalm.

72. For those who like motorcycles, now you can ride one on the water.

I’m sure whoever designed this float must either be in a midlife crisis or compensating for something. I’m not sure what else. Seriously, motorcycles are called by a different name in the medical field for a reason.

73. Seems like this guy wants to take up a foot in regards to the competition.

Now I’m sure we all wear sneakers. But how many of us have a sneaker boat? I’m sure there could only be one.

74. Of course, you can always seem to hop to it at the regatta with this froggie float.

Now this may not look like Kermit. Then again, it appears pretty demented as if it has no soul to speak of. Still, its tongue seems to be in the water.

75. For those who look forward to Shark Week, a float like this might be for you.

Now Jaws begins when a shark devours a woman swimming on the beach. In this case the woman is using the shark as a rowboat. Reminds us of how far we’ve come.

76. Got a rusty old farm truck? Perhaps you should make a float for it with some rusty barrels.

Now I’m sure this is probably a Deere if it’s in an American regatta. Of course, at least it’s carrying an appropriate load.

77. Now there’s nothing better than having a regatta boat of a bunny or mouse.

Okay, that's definitely a mouse. But at least these people seem to make the whole regatta sort of a family affair. Even if it's subjecting the kid to wearing mouse ears.

Okay, that’s definitely a mouse. Then again, it may be a bunny. But at least these people seem to make the whole regatta sort of a family affair. Even if it’s subjecting the kid to wearing bunny ears.

78. Why use oars to move around when you already have water wheels on each side?

Not sure if it does away with oars completely. But even if it doesn’t, it still looks pretty cool. Wouldn’t mind having one of those myself.

79. Only at a regatta could you make a caterpillar out of a bathtub.

Now the picture in the window is obviously photoshopped. Still, you have to hand it to these ladies for their creative spirit.

80. Well, if anyone needs a snack, there’s always Dunkin’ Donuts.

Still, you don’t want to have too many if you want to look good in a swimsuit. And this goes for women and men here. Or if you don’t want diabetes or other health problems like obesity.

The Little World of Miniature Gardens

Posted by historymaniacmegan on June 22, 2015

While gardening can be quite an art form, there are plenty of people who can’t really have a garden of their own, possibly due to living in the city. There are some people who really don’t like to do all the hard yard work such as digging, planting, and weeding. And there are some who may not be able to grow a garden due to some health issue or simply can’t deal with the changing seasonal weather. Fortunately, there’s a growing trend in the realm of miniature gardening in which you build a garden landscape in the confines of a container or limited space of dirt consisting miniature structures and real plants. Since many tend to be in containers, you can tend to them year round but have a rather slow growth rate. Still, they can last up to 8 years without needing too much care besides watering the plants, of course. So for those who love gardening but hate gardening maintenance, this might be the kind of gardening for you which requires no backbreaking digging, no weeding, no garden pests, no chemical fertilizers or pest controls, and no need to clean out the dead foliage every spring. Now that’s the good news. Also, you can put your miniature garden in just about anything and take it indoors if the weather gets cold. The bad news, well, it can become a very expensive hobby once you add some of the accessories involved. Nevertheless, despite it being a seemingly recent trend, miniature gardening originated with the bonsai dish garden from Japan (which is actually no surprise to me since the bonsai gardens totally make sense. I mean we’ve all know that the bonsai is a Japanese tree). And it was at the Japanese Pavilion at the Chicago 1893 World’s Fair where they debuted in the United States in which these garden creations were featured in an article by The New York Times. Nevertheless, these little gardens immediately became popular in a lot of places this art form has been passed from one generation to the next as well as seen as an activity for families to do together. Still, it’s very much a subculture of its own with places you can buy plants and accessories as well as its own competitions (there’s at least one in the Boston Flower and Garden Show). Oh, and at some colleges, you can even take a class or workshop in it, too. Still, if you’re one of the creative green thumbs desperate for an outlet to express yourself, the this is for you. In this post, you’ll see a treasure trove of the small garden world filled with the green glory enchantment with none of the heavy yard work. So for your reading pleasure here is a treasure trove of specimens depicting the tiny life of miniature garden landscapes.

1. Flowers are in bloom in the tiny garden village, possibly in the spring.

Reminds you of the beautiful stone villages you see in fairy tales. Of course, this is a more large scale venture by some person who’s certainly not poor. Still, I wonder how you can get those very tiny flowers.

2. Here is a flower pot garden with two fawns in a forest clearing during the spring.

Now for those on a budget, this is a more financially manageable scene. Still, let’s hope those fawns have someone to look after them. Because you know what happened to Bambi’s mom.

3. Of course, you don’t always have to put a lot of plants in your garden patio.

Now the top layer consists of much which most people usually don’t put in their patio areas. But this is a rather idyllic scene on the birdbath. And it doesn’t use a lot of accessories in the process.

4. Seems like the fairies have hung their clothes out to dry.

And they seem to wash their clothes with pre-20th century washing technology. Seems like these fairies have never heard of a washer or dryer in any way, shape, or form. Still, if they want their clothes cleaned, shouldn’t they just use magic?

5. Not all miniature gardens need accessories. This one goes for a more naturalistic approach.

Now this is a lovely miniature garden that’s set up like a forest. But though there’s not much undergrowth under the bonsais, I’m sure the rocks give it a more realistic touch.

6. Now this miniature garden is very pretty when it lights up at night.

Now this garden really brings emphasis to the flowers which are simply beautiful. Man, I wonder how these light bulbs can be so small. Really gives you a lovely night impression, does it?

7. Is that bridge over a stream of water or gravel?

It’s not uncommon for garden miniatures to contain waterways made from gravel than actual water. Just because real water doesn’t really conform to aesthetics and would be absorbed by the plants.

8. When it comes to miniature gardens, a broken flower pot will do just as good as any.

While broken flower pots may not be used for regular plant, you can plant a miniature garden in one just fine, especially if you want it to include elevation like a garden path up to a house.

9. In a small garden plot, a reasonable space can be whole miniature garden village.

Now I’m sure this garden is in a warmer place since it probably wouldn’t last a winter where I live. Still, it’s very elaborate and beautiful with rows of grass, bushes, and gravel paths.

10. Now this rock garden has a lovely stonework path.

Now this really gives you an impression with the bench, birdhouse, and small water hole. Whether it’s supposed to be somebody’s yard or a public park, you can never be exactly sure.

11. Now this beautiful miniature garden seems like it’s taken from a mansion or some large fairy tale palace grounds.

Now I just have to love the beautiful waterfall on this, even if the water isn’t real. Still, I wish some of the dirt patches can have some greenery on it. But still, these gardens can get pretty elaborate if I do say so myself.

12. A garden like this can be any fairy’s dream, if one decides to adopt a more suburban lifestyle.

Now sometimes these are also called, “fairy gardens.” Not sure why because a lot of miniature gardens come in a variety of different types. So I used an all encompassing term.

13. While some miniature gardens are seen as hangouts for fairies, this one clearly seems to go to the birds.

Now I’m sure this isn’t for real birds since the birdhouses are so small. For places for birds to call home, see a previous post I have called “This Old Birdhouse.” Do it now.

14. A little patch like this is a miniature version of what every gardener needs.

Now this is a lovely miniature garden with a shed, place for seedlings, and even a scarecrow. Yet, you can tell which side is for flowers and which is for vegetables.

15. If it wasn’t for a container, I would’ve sworn this was a real place.

As I’ve said miniature garden designs can get very elaborate and this is no exception. Still, you would more likely see this as your next door neighbor’s place than a fairy though.

16. A faux water miniature garden like this is a fairy’s paradise.

Now I really like the flowers on this. And while the water may consist of a bunch of blue gravel, at least it looks better than white.

17. While an algae pond may be disgusting in real life, it’s not always the case in a mini garden.

Now in a real garden, such a scene would pretty much look like shit at certain times of the year. But in this scene, it’s quite beautiful and you don’t have to do a ton of maintenance.

18. A rusty wheelbarrow makes the perfect place for a miniature garden of a log cabin settlement.

Of course, this place has a lot of plants as well as some farm animals. Still, as a whole it looks wonderful. See I said that you can use any container for a miniature garden. Even a wheelbarrow.

19. Have your miniature garden near a tree? Put some windows and a door to pass it as a fairy house.

Other than the accessories, I’m sure this fairy garden didn’t cost much. Then again, I’m not sure if the moss was already there. Probably not.

20. Other than the path and the bridge, almost everything seems to be made from sticks here.

Now this was made from 2 flower pots with one on top of the other. Reminds me of some tropical paradise despite that this fairy seems to have his or her own vegetable garden.

21. A rustic wooden wagon makes an excellent planter.

Also, if your miniature garden is in a wagon, it’s easier to transport and you don’t have to worry about potentially dumping it, unlike a wheelbarrow. Still, it’s quite beautiful and an ideal fairy mecca as I see it.

22. A wooden bucket might not be good for much, but you miniature garden will thrive in it.

Seems like this is a little housing block we have here and a lovely one at that. Also seems like there’s a satyr underneath that toadstool.

23. Only in miniature can a castle garden stand in your back yard. Or front.

I don’t know about you, but if Albus Dumbledore had a vacation home in Florida, I think it would look exactly like that. Don’t know why he’d have one or what he’d do there. Still, it’s very pretty nevertheless.

24. In real life you’d swear this scene was of an abandoned place gone to shit. As a miniature garden, it’s a work of art.

For a person, a place like this life size would be one people would want to avoid at all costs (save maybe for a few idiot teenagers in slasher movies, particularly if they’re black guys {since they’re usually killed first}). For a fairy garden, it’s a beautiful nature scene.

25. You can always find beauty near the beach so why not integrate it with your miniature garden?

You can create all kinds of scenes with these mini gardens. Still, I’m not sure if those are real beach plants, but they go with the garden very well. Also love how the stones are used for ocean.

26. For Christmas, you can put your miniature garden in the festive spirit.

Yes, they have Christmas decorations for mini gardens. They have decor for other holidays, too. Well, you can keep these kinds of gardens all year round. There’s no weather to stop you.

27. Now this is a flower garden with its own fountain and fence all covered in ivy.

I’m sure that this comes from some decrepit estate or pleasure garden. But I think it’s quite beautiful to say the least.

28. Seems like the fairies are real soccer fans in these parts.

And they seem to really like to party from what I see on the patio. Also, that’s a very full bonsai tree. Really like the flags, too. And the dog.

29. On this miniature garden, everything seems covered with green.

Now this seems like a fairy hideaway you might see in Florida from my perspective. Yet, most of the “grass” you see is moss. But I think it’s quite lovely.

30. In a miniature garden, you can only get to the shrine when you climb the steps.

From a unbroken flower pot, this mountainside shrine would’ve been almost impossible. Though I know it would be almost impractical, it would’ve been nice to have a waterfall there.

31. You can make a miniature garden in almost anything, even a chair.

Seems that a lot of fairies tend to reside in this beautiful chair garden. The flowers are simply breathtaking in this.

32. Now this village is quite an idyllic miniature world, even if all the foliage seems overgrown.

This little corner has a church, a birdhouse, a wheelbarrow, and a happy little tire swing. Also, has a few little figures, too.

33. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you a mini garden of Stonehenge.

Now I couldn’t pass this one up since Stonehenge is a very significant monument, especially in England. And no, I’m sure it wasn’t built by aliens. Sorry, History Channel.

34. As far as accessories go, they can be as small as you want them to be.

Now I really like the landscaping on this one. Seems like they planted everything on a carpet of grass and then added little structures and fairies on it.

35. As for furniture, you can always try wooden chairs of twig.

Now I like this kind of patio furniture. Quite rustic, I daresay. But I think the garden stuff and beehive is adorable.

36. A gardener’s work is never done. However, sometimes the watering can is up at the stick gate.

Lovely to see how this seems to be the beginnings a of a beautiful mini cabbage patch. Love the little wheelbarrow, birdhouse, and bird bath though.

37. When it comes to a mini wild flower garden, then you can let it be as overgrown as you please.

The flowers are simply beautiful on this one and I’m sure the grass isn’t just moss. Still, I really like the multicolored toadstools, even though they’re not real.

38. Inside this stone birdbath lies a miniature garden containing a smaller and more ornate bird bath.

Now this birdbath seems to have a little bird on its ledge while it’s surrounded by ivy. Still, at least the bird bath mini garden looks better than what’s inside an actual bird bath (which is disgusting).

39. Now this miniature garden has a pond, a bench, and a few nice pieces of shrubbery.

Now they may be little but these plants almost resemble real bushes for some reason. I also like the stonework on the patios. Fine landscaping here.

40. Just because we don’t use metal wash tubs for washing clothes, doesn’t mean you can’t build a garden in it.

Now I like the moss roof on that house along with the moss landscaping. Oh, and the hedgehog is quite cute, too. Seems like ideal fairy abode.

41. Among the tall grass and the plants, you can sometimes find a way to kick back and relax near the seashore.

Now this is a lovely seashore scene. Love the stone work on the path, the bike, and the ocean stones. Simply devine, it sure is.

42. Even in the white sand banks and shrines, the fairies will find a home wherever plants grow.

Now the river is a beautiful blue while the rainbow stones lead up to some zen garden like shrine. The bird seems filled, too.

43. When it comes to miniature gardens, you can’t go wrong with a waterfall. Even if there’s no actual water coming from it.

Now this almost looks like a real waterfall coming from the rock. Like the little house nearby, too by the way.

44. In a miniature garden like this, everything is always in its proper place.

Now this garden really seems like a wide field mostly consisting of vegetables. But there’s also a shed and greenhouse along with a little shed. Man, such an extensive collection of plants here.

45. Whether in a mini garden or in the front yard, there’s no place like home to a gnome.

Love how there are plants growing from out of the areas of the broken flower pot. Also, I think this gnome has very good taste in architecture.

46. A lovely pavilion will give any fairy some much needed shade.

Love the pig flying which I think is kind of funny. But I especially love the metal pavilion even if it doesn’t provide much shade.

47. In a miniature garden, the plants can just go about anywhere.

The little potted plants are so cute in this little pot. Love the bird hanging from the arch way, too. Seems that this one has plants all over the place.

48. In fairy gardens, you can’t go wrong with too many flowers.

I really love the flowers in this, especially since a lot of them are purple. Nice t o have some substitute for trees, too.

49. Even fairies tend to enjoy the game of baseball in their neck of the woods.

I don’t know about you, but a field in this shape wouldn’t be used for baseball games. But fairies have wings so it’s all good.

50. In this tree stump, you will find a beautiful miniature garden with everything fairies would want.

Strange how stumps tend to be taken out of their respective places whenever a tree gets cut down. Little did they know that you can make a little mini garden like this. I mean look at all the pretty flowers.

51. In mini gardens, there’s nothing that brings in the country spirit such as being down on the farm.

Now I’m sure it may not grow actual crops because farming is a bit more complicated. But it’s nevertheless adorable and less laden with pesticides.

52. Not all miniature gardens have to be forest oriented. This one creates a desert paradise in a flower pot.

Of course, this uses a lot of desert plants so whether this is a desert garden is any guess. But I’m not sure if I’d lay a finger on it because the plants mostly consist of cacti.

53. In a flower and garden shop, a large fairy garden is a great marketing strategy.

Of course, this mini garden should make it clear to everyone that it can become an expensive hobby. Still, love the flowers and stream in this.

54. If it weren’t for the pot, you would’ve thought this was an actual rocky landscape with a small pond.

Now I’m sure this set up didn’t really costs much, especially with the rocks which you can find anywhere. But it does seem like a piece of nature, does it?

55. A church in a garden like this has its own garden of Eden.

I’m sure any Christian fairies will certainly worship in that church. Love the flowers on this and how they tower the church and steeple. Kind of reminds you of Hawaii.

56. A desert gnome knows only peace and solace in his trailer home.

And it even has one of those tacky flamingo lawn ornaments. Then again, the gnome may just be an ornament, too. But I do love the desert scenery.

57. In mini gardens a plant would look just as fine in dirt as surrounded by sand.

Like how the sand seems so evenly raked like I’d never see at a golf course. Like the little plants in it, too.

58. Of course, what mini garden would be without its own water mill?

Funny how grass can grow so high even thought this tray is about as thick as some flat table displays. Guess mini garden plants tend to have very tiny roots.

59. Of course, if you live near a river, you’ll always have to have a canoe.

Now with the forest background, it almost looks like a house near a river. Well, if you take out the wooden box. Still, adorable.

60. When your kids grow up, they may not need their rusty red wagon. So use it to plant your miniature garden paradise.

Now this garden has so much going for it. I mean it has birdhouses, a wooden house, and glass toadstools. Oh, and the flowers are so beautiful, too.

61. What makes a better seaside garden than one of a desert coast?

Didn’t think you’d see cacti on the beach would you? By the way, I’m sure the seashells were real. Like the sand castle though.

62. With the right furniture and creativity, you can create a little miniature patio for your mini garden.

I’m sure this is set in somebody’s yard since the porch seems to have some colored stones encased in concrete. But I love how everything seems to go together here.

63. Though many miniature gardens tend to have tiny flowers, this doesn’t always have to be the case.

Now this garden contains a lot of flowers you’d see in any regular garden during the summer. Yet, it’s considered as such because of the two little lawn chairs and that it’s in a pot.

64. Now this desert seems as if it’s in an almost natural state in its own flower pot.

Seems to have a lot of cacti for a desert. But I’m sure you’ll never get a desert sunset with this one. Still, it’s quite beautiful to say the least.

65. Nothing would make the rich fairy an envy of everyone than a little mini garden mansion.

Kind of reminds me of a fairy garden murder mystery mansion. Really wouldn’t want to get inside. But I really like the landscaping on this.

66. Miniature gardens usually tend to be easy to carry, especially if they were created from a suitcase.

You might not want to take this to an airport. I mean the TSA wouldn’t take many precautions upon inspection. But it’s a cute little world you can carry around.

67. While many miniature gardens usually contain flowers, this one specializes in vegetables.

Okay, they may not be real veggies. Nor are they edible by any means. But still, it’s a pretty cute scene nevertheless. Hope it has a container though.

68. Under the ivy covered canopy, you will find a fairy park where they frolic.

Now I think this is put on some garden bench since I can see legs below the planter. Nevertheless, it’s quite pretty and I like the ivy on this.

69. Nothing makes a rustic patio look idyllic than wooden furniture, especially in fairy gardens.

Now the furniture really goes well with the path and the bonsai. Of course, the vines are painted by the way. But I’m not sure if it makes any difference.

70. Any Tolkein fan would find a miniature garden of Bag End would be almost a dream come true.

I’m sure that a die hard Middle Earth fan had too much time on their hands. Still, I’m sure this miniature Bag End is tended by no other than a miniature Samwise Gamgee.

71. For Christmas, celebrate the birth of Christ with this miniature garden nativity scene.

Of course, the figures were probably taken from an actual nativity set. But these gardens can stay indoors and last all year long. So you might as well put a nativity scene in there.

72. This wooden church seems to have its gates near the rocky shore.

Now this seems like a lovely atmosphere to have a church, especially a wooden one. Love the little gate near the shore. Probably based on some rocky New England coastline.

73. Nothing makes the ideal fairy town more than having it at the base of a tree.

Now I’m sure the fairies will get plenty of shade under that tree. Yet, even this sturdy tree couldn’t completely shield them from the elements of nature.

74. A little house always tends to be shadowed by large trees, even in mini gardens like this one.

Now this is from a broken flower pot in which the plants inside surrounding the house represent towering conifer trees. Hope the rock doesn’t do anything though.

75. If you want a garden easy to carry, then perhaps you should plant it in a basket.

Love the little swing on the basket handle as well as the flowers. Still, you have to like the wooden twig and branch chair, too.

76. You can create a whole world of nature from a very large teacup.

This bonsai really goes well with the small lupin plants if I stand corrected. Still, I think the little bench and coffee table is simply charming.

77. Even in a small gravel garden, it’s best to put a birdbath as a centerpiece.

Let’s hope the little birdies wanting to wash up don’t shit in this birdbath. Like the bench and sundial though.

78. Sometimes you can put patio furniture in a miniature garden you can only wish to put in your regular patch.

Now this patio furniture seems too finely painted for anyone to want to have in your outdoor patio. I mean there’s a chance that rain might wash out the lovely craftsmanship. Still, this is a quite beautiful garden in these flower pots.

79. A few statues in a garden can really enhance it beauty in many ways.

Now this one gives the impression that ruins are in the midst. Love how the bonsai really brings in the vibrancy of this. Not to mention, some of the plants, too.

80. In a garden shop like this, you might as well have a large mini garden village.

Now I’m sure this isn’t the whole mini garden as some of it is cut from the photo. But you can see how elaborate these mini gardens can really get.

Not So Fun in the Sun Swimsuits

Posted by historymaniacmegan on June 18, 2015

Whether used to cover up private parts while swimming or fanservice, swimsuits have always been a mainstay in our culture since modern times. Now while recreational swimming has been a mainstay of civilization public or otherwise, most people basically wore the same type of outfit they’d wear for sleeping: absolutely nothing. And this went for both genders of all ages. However, the first swimsuits weren’t made just to put on the cover for the Ye Olde Sports Illustrated swimsuit contest. In fact, they were to deter such a thing since it would’ve been improper for a woman to show her ankles. Of course, in much of the 18th and 19th century it was also fashionable to be pale, too, so nobody wanted to risk their white skin to sun exposure. They also had bathing machine cabanas on wheels that allowed women to change into their bathing suits in complete privacy during this time. Of course, early swimsuits weren’t well known for their practicality since they tended to be made of wool and took a long time to get in. It had to take the Olympics and the 1920s to have swimsuits be seen as anything suitable for the swim team, at least for women. Nevertheless, when it comes to swimwear aesthetics, most women tend to have it easy since the one piece, two piece, and the bikini have come on the scene. Men’s bathing suits on the other hand, well, a man’s ability to look good in a swimsuit is heavily dependent on his body type regardless of the outfit. Now I can go on and on about the great swimsuits you’d find at the beach, but I don’t want to put Sports Illustrated or Victoria’s Secret out of a job. Instead, I’ll feature swimsuits that you wouldn’t want to be caught dead in at the beach. Some of them might be a tad bit or borderline inappropriate as well as wardrobe malfunctions waiting to happen (which is why this is tagged NSFW). Some are plain impractical and possibly more suited for a Northern Alaska or New England chapter of the Polar Bear Club than anything. And some are just either plain ugly or tacky, possibly both. Still, the wearers I have in this post will most likely be gorgeous models these swimsuits were made for since I don’t want to shame people’s bodies in this post. This is about the outfits, not the people wearing them contrary to the purpose of a lot of swimsuit competitions or swimsuit photos which are certainly intended for fanservice. Also, if a swimsuit looks ridiculous on a gorgeous model, it’ll probably look terrible on you. Still, there are some exceptions. Not to mention, some things here may not be safe for work. So without further adieu, here are some tacky, ugly, and poor taste swimsuits for all of you to see.

1. Now I have no qualms about bikinis, but I do wish the bottoms should adequately cover a woman’s genitalia.

If you look closely, you can see this woman’s bikini bottom doesn’t quite cover her between the legs as it should. And as for posting this photo, it’s really on the borderline between PG -13 and R because I try to avoid showing pictures of exposed private parts (sans boobs). But I’ll have to make this an exception because I’m sure it happens at a pool or beach all the time, where you see people of all ages. If your swimsuit bottoms run the risk of wardrobe malfunction, it’s time to go to the store.

2. Now here is a picture of very slutty swimsuit worn by pro swimmer Annette Kellerman in 1907, which got her arrested in Massachusetts for indecent exposure (and I’m not making this up).

Of course, Kellerman wasn’t a fashion model by any means. She was a swimmer and performer who pretty much invented synchronized swimming. She wore this get up for practicality since women’s swimsuits weren’t really designed for actual swimming. But she caused such a scandal because it exposed her body form which was a Victorian no-no. Of course, today, it would seem more like gymnast attire than anything.

3. Of course, vaginal wardrobe malfunctions don’t always have to apply to bikinis or two pieces alone.

While this woman might feel sexy in this one piece bathing suit, I see this outfit as a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen. Call me a prude, but I think a swimsuit bottom should be designed similar to underwear as well as cover the hips for support. Hate to see what the back looks like.

4. While the rare sight of washboard abs is a sexy and magnificent sight on the beach, a leopard print speedo is not.

Of course, I always considered leopard prints tacky for some reason or another. But still, the guy looks sexy despite it. However, I tend to recommend that most guys stick to trunks instead of speedos for obvious reasons.

5. Back in the 1890s and early 1900s, it wasn’t unusual for women to wear a 2 piece swimsuit. And by that I mean a knee length dress and bloomers. Sometimes even tights.

Now in the Victorian and early 20th century, modesty was the best policy even in swimwear. Showing too much leg or a collar bone would’ve gotten you arrested for indecent exposure. Same goes for men. However, if you were a woman who wanted to actually swim, these weren’t for you. But, too bad because as far as swimwear went, you didn’t have any legally viable options.

6. Sometimes bikinis are much easier to assemble if they have straps in the midriff.

Now this is actually a reasonably fine bikini without any need for improvement. Well, except cutting the white midriff straps with a pair of scissors because they’re so non-essential and make the outfit look ridiculous.

7. When it comes to string bikinis, sometimes there can be too many strings attached.

Leopard print aside, if that woman can’t keep her string bikini up right without the large strings at her midriff, then it’s a terrible swimsuit. Also, the look can use some scissors.

8. When buying a string bikini, make sure that you buy a top that closely corresponds with your bra size.

Now I know this is a fanservice shot. But while the bottom is fine, the top part should be below the breast, for God’s sake. This woman’s obviously doesn’t. Still, while this chest look might seem sexy on her, most people wouldn’t.

9. Nothing makes a great swimsuit pattern than of cats shooting eye lasers.

Hmm…this is an interesting case. Now this is quite funny, but would I really want to wear it at a pool party? Probably not.

10. If you think speedos are bad, you should see when they’re attached to the neck.

Okay, now this seems to be a cross between a speedo and a high school wrestling get up you’d see in Foxcatcher. As bad as speedos are in swimwear, they guy looks much better without the neck strap. Might want to give him scissors.

11. Sometimes one piece swimsuits are so skimpy for women that they seem to come with a bunch of straps to hold them together.

I’m sure she’ll run the massive risk of a wardrobe malfunction. Well, if she’s caught by the villain and her only means of escape is cutting through those straps. Also, I’m sure if enough straps break on both sides, well, it’s going to be embarrassing.

12. Now a shark bathing suit. Hmmm….wonder if anyone would take a bite out if it.

Now I know sharks play a vital role in the ecosystem and yes, they shouldn’t be killed by humans like they are right now. But since there have been people attacked by sharks, well, this probably won’t go well with them.

13. When it comes to two piece swimsuits, you can always get a bright green one with elaborate trimmings.

Okay, while the bottom is fine, the top is pretty disgusting. Seriously, it just sags from the breasts. Swimsuit tops aren’t supposed to do that.

14. Back in the day, men were just as obliged to cover their chests as women.

Now you’d think a fat guy would actually look good in one of these outfits. Turns out that’s really not the case, especially the top is a skirt.

15. When wearing a bikini, the top waistline must be below the breasts, not on them.

Now it seems this top on a string bikini is too small for this woman’s possibly plastic surgery altered big boobies. Also, please get a bikini top that corresponds to your bra size. Like I said, this pose wouldn’t be sexy if a normal woman attempted it.

16. When wearing a swimsuit, you always want to look neat and tidy, not like you’re a rescued castaway from a deserted island.

Now Melanie was a deep sea diver who was stranded on a deserted island in the Caribbean. She tore her blue diving suit into shreds just to be more comfortable. This is her when she was rescued.

17. Now with the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey, there is now a dominatrix swimsuit line.

I’m sure this beautiful purple getup comes with its own cat o’nine tails. Great for the pool, beach, or sex dungeon. Featured in a movie called BDSM Beach Party Bingo.

18. Now this spiky one piece is equipped with a flotation device at its waist.

This would be a great swimsuit for those at the beach who fear drowning and sharks. However, tends to make the wearer look like a complete psycho.

19. For black tie beach parties, this tuxedo one piece is for you.

Well, assuming that you’re a girl and among the help. Other than that, I’m not sure why anyone would want to pull off a black tie beach party.

20. This swimsuit brings a concept of string bikini to a whole new meaning.

I don’t know about you but I think this model should’ve had a hell of a time putting this damn thing on. I can imagine the possibility of being tangled among the ribbons.

21. Of course, in recent trends, swimsuits have become skimpier and skimpier.

I’m sorry but this is way too sleazy as a bathing suit and doesn’t look good on anyone. Seriously, I can totally see the possible wardrobe malfunctions on this one.

22. “My infiltration into the ladies’ room was a cinch.”

I’m sure this guy forgot to shave his beard. And legs. And armpits. Still, I’m sure the guys in the county pen will get a kick out the notion of a guy being arrested in a swimsuit like this one. This might be a woman’s swimsuit even the fact he could fit one of these is kind of disturbing.

23. Fringes always tend to make a swimsuit look more festive at the beach.

But long fringes also have the potential to weight the swimmer down while they’re in the water. Yeah, long fringes on swimsuits aren’t a good idea.

24. Of course, a true Tolkein fan always wear a swimsuit of Lord of the Rings.

I’m sure this will have all the girls ogle at you, but not necessarily for what you think. Seriously, this swimsuit has more hot guys on it than what many would typically see on a beach.

25. I wonder how long it took her to be laced into a swimsuit.

Let’s just say while this might look good on a model, it won’t look good on a normal person. Also, might take a long time to get in. But if you’re into figure control or kinky BDSM stuff, this might be for you.

26. Nothing says fun in the sun like a swimsuit top made out of lifesavers. Now that gives a whole new meaning to the word, “eye candy.”

Let’s hope that these aren’t real lifesavers because odds are that she’ll probably be arrested for indecent exposure. I mean real lifesavers dissolve in liquids like water and saliva.

27. When it comes to women’s swimwear, sometimes the one piece suits have interesting areas for the breasts.

Now I can see why the straps are essential on this one. However, I’m sure it doesn’t really deter the potential for a wardrobe malfunction. Seriously, I’m not sure if any woman can wear that.

28. Now this swimsuit is guaranteed to make any woman look like a badass.

By that, I mean as if she had been wearing it while escaping from some gigantic monster in the jungle that part of it was torn while she was caught in a much of thorns. Yeah, she looks totally ripped, but I don’t mean in the usual context.

29. Think your swimsuit is missing something? Just add more fabric.

I’m sure what she has on underneath isn’t much better. But still, I think the upper part kind of weighs her neck down. Also, I’m sure it takes a long time to get into.

30. Though conventional women’s swimsuit culture always states that less is more, this isn’t always the case.

“Well, we put them in the laundry and somehow they seemed to shrink for some reason.” Still, a string bikini should cover your entire vaginal region, not just part of your pubic area. Seriously, that’s disgustingly vulgar. And for heaven’s sake, think of the children who have to see this.

31. Now this is the kind of swimsuit that begs the question, “How are her boobs covered in this?”

Now being apparent that she only covers her boobs with her long flowing hair, I’m sure that no woman should wear this swimsuit. Seriously, I think you’d be arrested for indecent exposure if you ever dare wear it in public.

32. A swimsuit like this can turn any woman into a bonafide action heroine with sex appeal.

I swear this is the kind of get up that says, “Yes, I’m a badass sexy fighter, but I still need the white male hero to rescue me so we can make sweet love in the end. And I don’t care if he’s old enough to be my dad or looks like Paul Giamatti.”

33. Seems all this woman is made of is just skin and bone.

Oh, my mistake, it’s just that her swimsuit depicts a skeleton. But still, one piece or not, it’s kind of disturbing.

34. Of course, you can’t attract all the guys on the beach without a one piece of faux black leather.

Recommended for dominatrixes and doubles as a BDSM gimp suit. Cat o’nine tails not included. Guaranteed to make you look like a goddess in the pool party or the sex dungeon any day.

35. Sure she can be all skin and bone. But inside she’s all muscle.

Yeah, I’m sure we all want to see your muscles like that. Seriously, lady, get some skin on for a change. At least a naked body doesn’t look that disturbing.

36. Thought regular speedos were bad? Wait until you see one on a guy’s shoulders.

Of course, we all remember this moment from Borat but Sacha Baron Cohen could pull this off better than a lot of men. With a man less fit than he is, you’d be much more obliged to turn away.

37. Need to fancy your swimsuit up a bit? Add a nice big bow.

I don’t know about you but something tells me that putting a big white bow on a swimsuit kind of makes it look stupid. Ditto with the green straps, too.

38. Of course, when I said that swimsuit bottoms should be similar to underwear, I’m sure multicolored tidy whities doesn’t come to mind.

Now these don’t just look like any pair of tidy whities, but ones you’d see on a young boy. Yeah, not something a grown man should wear at the beach, or anyone else.

39. Now this overstrapped bikini is well suited for the beach, swimming, karate, and combat.

Rumor has it that this was the original costume design for Leeloo in The Fifth Element. It was rejected for a more practical design as Milla Jovovich got tangled when getting in and out of it. So it was marketed as a swimsuit instead.

40. Don’t have a swimsuit? Crotchet one.

Hmm….now while crotcheting your swimsuit may seem like a good idea, remember that most old fashioned swimsuits were made from wool. And I’m sure that’s not a viable swimsuit material. Just saying.

41. Though she managed to find a suitable bikini bottom, I’m not so sure about the top.

This is known as a triangle bikini and it’s crocheted. Still, while the bottom is fine, I don’t think the top part adequately covers her nipples. Seriously, I can totally see them. Might be suitable for porn but not on the beach.

42. In Japan, men’s swimsuits tend to be designed in ways you’d never think possible.

While this swimsuit adequately covers a man’s junk, it has the unfortunate side effect of inducing a massive wedgie. Seems like someone is trying to justify their job’s existence.

43. While the male speedo may remind you of Channing Tatum from Magic Mike, this one reminds you of Channing Tatum from Foxcatcher.

Yep, that swimsuit definitely reminds me of a high school or Olympic wrestling uniform. And let me say, while Foxcatcher is way better than Magic Mike, I’m sure most fangirls would more likely flock to theaters to see male strippers than Olympic wrestlers and deranged, homicidal billionaires.

44. Of course, when getting a new swimsuit, some people tend to see themselves as better looking than they actually are. Others tend to buy swimsuits that wouldn’t look good on a model in the first place.

Yes, I think this one can leave room for a wardrobe malfunction in the nether regions. But while donning a conventional bikini would not put her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, it would’ve been at least a more modest choice.

45. We all know that Armani specializes in men’s suits. But did you know that they also design swimsuits as well?

Now I’m sure this one piece is best suited for those formal black tie pool party affairs, if they even exist. Even if they did, I wouldn’t be caught dead in that.

46. If you ever thought there was nothing in swimwear ever worse than a speedo or a thong bikini, just wait until you see this guy.

Now this is basically a combination of the speedo and the swim thong. And it’s not pretty. Seriously, I can’t even think of any reason why a guy should wear this.

47. Hmm….swimsuit or gym leotard? You pick.

Of course, this might be a good swimsuit if you’re in the Polar Bear Club, but still. Nevertheless, I’m not sure long sleeves belong on a swimsuit. I’m just saying since most people wear them during the summer.

48. “Help, help! Somebody’s groping that woman’s breasts!”

Oh, wait, that’s her swimsuit top that resembles hands on her breasts. Also, the guy’s wearing a necklace with pot leaves on it. Explains a lot about the woman’s swimsuit is picture and the fact that both of them are totally high.

49. In the 1800s, men’s swimsuits had to cover his entire body from neck to toe and tend to resemble something like pajamas in the modern day sense.

They were also made from wool like the ladies’ and were just as impractical. But if you were a man in the 1880s and dared to go topless, you could be arrested for indecent exposure. So too bad.

50. Hmmm….though it’s supposed to be a man’s swimsuit, I’m confused on whether it’s meant for swimming or semi-nude rock climbing.

It’s said to be sexy in the picture but I’m just not buying it. In fact, I think it resembles more like a harness than any swimsuit I ever saw. Also induces wedgies.

52. When it comes to mesh swimsuits, there are always limits in transparency to consider.

Of course, this person thought a mesh swimsuit should show as much of the body as possible. While the bottom is covered all right, I’m not sure about the top in which the nipple areas are covered with stars.

52. Swimsuit or get up for action movie sex object?

Whenever I look at this one piece, there’s always a question I beg to ask like, “Does it have a back?” Seriously, her ass needs to be covered, too, and not just by a G-string.

53. With this swimsuit, you’d swear this was made to elicit fanservice in lederhosen during the 1970s.

Now let’s just say, less would definitely be more with this one. Sure it may not really look like lederhosen, it’s just the word’s pretty funny. Still, either way, the paisley bottom has got to go.

54. Don’t have a swimsuit? Well, make one from a plastic bag. That will solve everything.

Of course, he’ll always have to wear underwear if he plans to actually go to the beach in that. Still, I think it would make more sense if he just buys a pair of trunks at the store. Seriously, wearing a plastic bag makes you look like an idiot. Besides, plastic bags rip apart easily.

55. Boobs too big for the top on your two piece? Cut some holes and air them out.

I think the bikini tops shouldn't have holes in them. Seriously, why would anyone want to wear something like this?

I think the bikini tops shouldn’t have holes in them. Maybe that’s just me. Seriously, why would anyone want to wear something like this?

56. Now I think this idea for a swimsuit consisted of, “So instead of a speedo, how about we make sure that the guy’s genitals are covered and supported by one hip instead of two?”

As if you didn’t know if men’s swimsuits can get worse than the speedo. Think again. Seriously, why in the hell would any guy wear this?

57. For the fan of Superman, go to the beach in some super trunks.

Sure they may be made for adults, but I can’t help thinking that these are better suited for a seven-year-old. I’m not sure why. Oh, wait, they kind of resemble what you’d see on little boys’ underwear.

58. Shimmer in this bathing suit as you venture out for your pool party.

Sure she might shimmer in that bathing suit, but can she actually swim in it? Actually I don’t think she could. Also, remind me of some scantily clad villainous queen in a sci fi movie.

59. Sometimes in string bikinis, the strings are attached where they should and should not be.

Now looking at this, she looks as if she’s wearing a swimsuit as well as some form of figure control or action outfit. Still, this swimsuit can do without a few strings to say the least.

60. Introducing: The ta-ta top.

Man, I’d sure like to see when the police arrest her for indecent exposure. She’ll certainly have an interesting conversation. Talk about a big misunderstanding.

61. For a more festive look on the beach, I’m sure a fringed two piece will do you just fine.

Of course, if it was brown, I’m sure this swimsuit would make you look like you’re playing a Native American in a porn movie. Luckily, the blue color doesn’t get one called for that cultural appropriation.

62. It seems like she has to flaunt around leaving nothing to the imagination.

Now this is seriously disturbing. I mean, this lady should really get some muscle on her and skin. Nobody wants to see that, honestly. Save maybe a few necrophiles and medical students.

63. With Muslims, they have modesty swimsuits for women which are required by law in some Middle East beaches (if allowed). Still, don’t know what to think about CGI screen green.

I’m sure if you put her in a CGI green back with a green screen and you wouldn’t see much of her. Seriously, I swear many people in CGI animation wear outfits like that in Hollywood every day.

64. Nothing brings summer in than a swimsuit depicting Jaws and The Little Mermaid.

I’m sure a swimsuit like this is guaranteed to traumatized little girls as it becomes apparent that the shark is about to devour Ariel. Then again, Ariel isn’t one of my favorite Disney princesses and was kind of an idiot to exchange her voice for plastic surgery so she can be with a guy she just met.

65. Now I’m sure this idea for this swimsuit consisted of, “How about we use some weird shaped plastic pieces and the stuff you use to hang your clothes and make a two piece out of that. The girls will love it.”

Now I don’t know about you but what are the odds that this was designed by a guy who was a bit too into action movies? Seriously, it tends to look more like male eye candy than anything. Also, I wonder what it looks like in back.

66. Hmmm….wonder if this guy is wearing that for swimming or some nude athletic competition.

Yes, it looks like something Borat would wear but this outfit doesn’t resemble an overstretched speedo. Still, I’m sure a guy wouldn’t want to wear something like this for fear that he might look like a total idiot.

67. In the 1800s, it wasn’t unusual for women to frequent the beaches wearing swimsuits of long dresses and bloomers.

Yes, these are old fashioned 1800s women’s swimsuits. Not something you’d see in Sports Illustrated by any means. And of course, they weren’t practical in regards to actual swimming. But I’m sure if you show your ankles, you’d be arrested for indecent exposure.

68. You heard of ugly knitted Christmas sweaters right? Now here is an knitted ugly swimsuit for the holidays?

Now I’m sure this is available in places like Australia and New Zealand where Christmas falls during the summer. Still, I’m not sure about the unicorn and the Tyrannosaurus Rex.

69. Now this swimsuit comes with plenty of adjustable straps for your comfort and convenience.

Now I’m sure this swimsuit was totally not designed for fetish fuel (sarcasm). Still, adjustable straps or not, this model wouldn’t look good if we added a little flab, a few stretch marks, and perhaps 10 more pounds.

70. I’m sure wearing a bikini like that, the boys will certainly go nutty for her.

However, I’m sure she might want to watch out for critters, particularly squirrels who might find her acorn breasts tasty despite not being ripe. Yeah, I’m sure she’d want to stay away from the forest and the oak trees.

71. Introducing the Mr. Nice Guy swimsuit.

Now the reason why we call him Mr. Nice Guy is that he’s very chill when he’s high on pot and tripping balls. Still, like the tie dye. But I’m not sure if this is appropriate swimwear in most states other than in Washington and Colorado.

72. Now this is what a swimsuit needs, bright colors and diamond shapes.

Now the colors consist of hot pink, reddish orange, and PennDOT yellow. Still, can’t help but think that this seems what a young woman would wear in an action movie, particularly if it was with James Bond.

73. If it weren’t for the hot pink, I’d be sure it was in some Native American style.

Now I wonder if this is a form of cultural appropriation due to the presence of seemingly Native American jewelry. Then again, I’m sure Victoria’s Secret tends to offend everybody. Also, I’m sure the pink get up is fetish fuel for sure.

74. Nothing makes it fun in the sun like a swimsuit made from body paints.

For those thinking about having a body paint swimsuit, my advice to you: don’t. Seriously, do you know why she has her hand between her legs. And I’m sure she’s a model so she could get away with it while most people would get arrested.

75. For those yearning for childhood videogame nostalgia, this Nintendo Game Boy one piece is for you.

Hmm…let’s home the guys don’t try to push her buttons too much, especially on her butt. Still, I wonder why a woman would want to subject herself to this. Then again, to each her own.

76. When it comes to swimsuits, some people want them to be clear and blue like the ocean.

I don’t know about you, but I’m sure this was made from some kind of sheet that’s supposed to wrap around her. Also, I’m not sure about the bottoms being cut around the middle. Still, makes her look like a comic book super heroine like Storm’s mutant sister Tsunami (whom I made up at the spur of the moment).

77. In speedos, some are harder to get in than others. Luckily, this one has a zipper in front.

I’m sure the zipper really helps keep the junk under wrap, as long as it’s totally zipped. Still, there’s a reason why we have buttons on top of jeans. And I’m sure this one has, “standard male grab area” written all over it.

78. I call this one the State Auto swimsuit since it has minimum coverage for minimum budgets.

However, sometimes on the beach I’m sure that minimum coverage won’t do, especially when you’re putting yourself at risk for a wardrobe malfunction. Seriously, do people have any decency when it comes to swimsuits? As far as beaches and pools go, you want to play it safe with the swimsuits.

79. For Star Wars fans, say hello to this R2 D2 one piece get up for pool parties a long, long, time ago in a galaxy far, far away…..

Okay, now when R2 D2 tends to save everyone’s ass in the Star Wars movies, I don’t think viewing R2 D2 as sexy is a good idea. Still, I’m sure the geeks will love it.

80. Now this 77 two piece is sure to bring you into the team spirit.

Hate to say this, but I’m not sure whether this is a swimsuit or a powderpuff football sex costume. Either way, you can bet that some teenage girl’s father is certainly not going to let her wear that. And not for religious reasons either.

The Strange World of Ceramic Mugs

Posted by historymaniacmegan on June 15, 2015

Ever since humans learned to make something to carry their consumable liquid and put their food on, it wasn’t long until they started wanting to have their personal drinking vessels to carry some personal touch. Thus, ceramics have become an art form as well as a practical house ware ever since. In fact, every civilization on earth basically has their own set of decorated ceramics and there are many archaeologists who can tell you where certain ceramics are from and what they were used for based on decoration alone. Of course, mugs are such a common feature in daily life that you can buy one from basically anywhere but the grocery store. Seriously, you can buy one as a souvenir if you go on vacation or if you want to buy someone a present. Nevertheless, in our 21st century, most people use mugs for their drinks as well as have them customized to their own designs. Some have pictures, some have words, and some don’t have anything at all. People have even made their own mugs in pottery classes. Now I can go on and on about all the great mugs out there, but you’d think it would be boring. So instead, I’ll show some of the tackiest mugs out there you wouldn’t want to miss. So for your reading pleasure, here are some specimens from the strange world of ceramic mugs. By the way, some of these might not be safe for work. Don’t ask. Oh, and not all will actually be made from ceramic by the way, it’s just the default material.

1. If you love peacocks, then this set of mugs would be simply to die for.

Now if I saw these at a person’s house, then I’d question their taste in interior housewares. Seriously, I expect these to be found at a house with at least one pink flamingo on their lawn minimum.

2. Now this mug tells you exactly what it’s for.

Now if there’s a chemist or chemistry major in your life, this would be the perfect gift for them. And yes, that molecule is caffeine, the pick me up for the masses.

3. Now I’m udderly confused? Is this used for milk or tea?

Now this is a Cow Breast Shaped Milk Glass Mug. You heard me. I’m sure no milk is coming from those udders or in them. Perfect for the dairy farmer’s morning coffee.

4. If you’re looking for something to give a person who loves the 1980s and videogames, this is the perfect mug for them.

I’m sure this Atari game mug will bring anyone into feeling 1980s nostalgia. That, or help someone stay awake long enough to play videogames.

5. For the golfer in your life, this one will help them improve their game before venturing to the country club.

Of course, I wonder if it’s more suited for those who play miniature golf. Just a hunch. I mean the golf club and ball are really, really tiny.

6. “All right, stop right there, give me your coffee or your life.”

Now this is the gun every gangster reaches for first thing in the morning, every morning. Tony Soprano must have one of these or I’ll be damned. Seriously, it’s a perfect coffee mug for him.

7. Once you’re done your coffee, you can use this mug to recycle it and protect the planet.

Yes, this may appear eco-friendly. But I wonder if it goes with similar mugs that resemble a garbage and biohazard bins respectively. Also, is this one for paper or plastic?

8. With this Black Knight mug, if anyone but you shall drink from it, then they shall die.

Of course, unlike the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, this one doesn’t come with limbs to hack off. Which kind of takes all the fun out of it.

9. For the chemist or anyone majoring in chemistry, this mug is great whether in the home or in the lab.

Of course, if you want to use it for both lab and home, make sure you wash and dry it before either use. You don’t want anything unfortunate happen like an accident.

10. Practice your basketball skills with this mug of a ball and court.

Of course, it’s best for hot chocolate so you can put the mini marshmallows through the basket. Also great to drink from during March Madness.

11. This mug seems to stand on its own two feet.

Of course, I don’t know what to think about the human feet though. Seems kind of creepy in a way. Like something from a creepy surrealist film.

12. A guy always needs a cup of joe before he goes behind a bulldozer.

Now I’m sure this kind would make any male construction worker a laughingstock at work. Then again, maybe not. Still, pretty clever.

13. I’m sure the dial tells how hot your coffee is inside.

Then again, it might be for show. Still, it’s said to be a hotrod type coffee mug. But it looks Steampunk to me for some reason. Even in bright red.

14. With a mug like this, those knuckles will come in handy while you’re in a dark alley and know how to use them.

Of course, getting in a fight with this mug might ruin its use as a drinking vessel. Still, not sure how these would fare in hand to hand combat. Banned in Canada.

15. Get up in the morning with a cup from R2 D2.

R2 D2: most likely the most underrated character in the whole Star Wars franchise. Seriously, if it weren’t for this ornery and courageous little droid, the good guys would be sunk. Yeah, basically saves everyone’s ass.

16. Though coffee is seen as a morning beverage, ninjas tend to drink it under cover of darkness.

Of course, this ninja is cute. But still, real Japanese ninjas didn’t dress in black. Their penchant for invisibility was psychological. Rather they typically dressed like peasants who no high ranking Japanese samurai would suspect. Oh, and most ninjas were samurai in Japan.

17. For couples, you always want a distinctive mug to distinguish from your significant other.

I try to keep any images of private parts to a minimum. But since these mugs are among the worst things to give any couple, I had to make special mention. Seriously, I’m not sure if anyone would want to be seen at home with these, let alone in public.

18. This battle designed mug was made to handle anything.

Now how is in the hell is this a battle designed mug? It looks like it was made from plastic, which isn’t the strongest material. Oh, you can put your guns on it. Seriously, why does this even exist?

19. When on an assignment, photographers love to get some zoom in action from their morning brew.

Let’s hope a real photographer doesn’t get this camera lens mug mixed up with a real camera lens. It can get awkward.

20. I’m sure when you see a yellow triangle with an exclamation mark, you should know not to mess with the contents.

Unfortunately, someone didn’t listen and pulled the plug. Resulted in a massive spill of hot coffee all over. Luckily no furniture was damaged.

21. For the more modern artistic type, this is one of the sleekest mugs money can buy.

Hmmm….not sure if it’s practical as a drinking vessel. Also, seems a bit too artsy for my taste. I think a conventional mug is perfectly reasonable.

22. If you like to drink your coffee the way you sample soup, this slurp mug is for you.

Know what this can also be used for? Soup, no less. Also, you can even hang it on a hook if you want. Man, I wonder what they cost on Amazon.

23. Of course, some people tend to lose it when they get angry and need caffeine.

Remind me to stay away from the guy who owns this mug. Seriously, flunking anger management really doesn’t say much good about you, especially if your name is Bruce Banner.

24. This mug makes you drink your coffee as if it’s from a porcelain pop can.

Man, I wonder if the ancient Chinese drank from porcelain pop cans. Probably not. Still, doesn’t give off the aluminum after taste doesn’t it.

25. Hmmm….I wonder if that person’s drinking from a turd or is it just me?

Love the slogan on this: “Is it just me or is everything crap?” Well, I think it’s just then. But on the hand, many of the farmers in my neighborhood use cow shit as fertilizer.

26. Now this mug doubles as a boombox if you turn it on the side.

Now this doesn’t actually play music since it’s painted on. But you get the idea. Okay, c’mon, use your imagination.

27. Ever wish you guys can drink beer from your cowboy boot? Well, now you can.

Well, if you’re Cinderella of the Wild West, that is. Then again, she seems to leave one of these when she had to leave the hoe-down. Not sure if Sheriff Charming will follow her home.

28. Alas, Poor Yorick for Hamlet hath fashioned you into a drinking vessel for his morning joe.

Now I’m sure people will freak out if you drink something from this one like red wine. Even if it is made from porcelain.

29. I’m sure this mug will store your milk and your cookies in the same place.

Kind of strange that the mug has a human face with a big mouth. But at least it doesn’t devour them. Still, quite a nifty device if I do say so myself.

30. When it comes to drinking decaf, some people can be so judgmental and it shows.

Well, sure decaf is for wimps but it’s like drinking coffee for the taste and not for the reason why most people drink coffee. Kind of defeats the whole purpose.

31. You’ve heard about coffee with donuts. So how about some coffee in your donut?

Now this would be a great mug to give that neighborhood police officer. Then again, he’d probably appreciate an actual donut much more.

32. Now this is the kind of mug you’d want to give to somebody who loves the smell of napalm in the morning.

Okay, napalm may not be radioactive but I’m sure it’s quite explosive and you wouldn’t want to be anywhere near it. Still, this grenade one is pretty crazy. At least it doesn’t blow up when you pull the pin.

33. For Sesame Street fans, this Cookie Monster mug will store your cookies and your coffee. And I’m sure your kids will love it.

As tacky as it seems, you can’t hate this mug for God’s sake. Seriously, everyone loves Cookie Monster even though he’s not the best role model on Sesame Street since his dietary choices aren’t the greatest. But we love him anyway.

34. Now this mug is able to indicate to your company whether to talk to you or not.

When it’s full, it means they can’t communicate in complete sentences. When it’s half, it means they can’t carry on a conversation. Only when it’s nearly empty, you may talk.

35. Seems like someone prefers their coffee on the Dark Side.

And I’m sure if he doesn’t like it, he’ll probably force choke you until you suffocate to death. Must be a complete hell working for a guy like that. Cue “Imperial March.”

36. Now this is a coffee mug that seems like 65 million years in the making or hanging around in the Jurassic Park souvenir shop.

However, I’m not sure why anyone would want to go to Jurassic Park. Seems like going to the park is an absolute death wish.

37. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the boob mug.

Now this would be a great souvenir mug for some strip club or sex shop. Very bad commemorative gift to buy for anybody.

38. Now this cow mug tends to stand on its udders.

I’m sure there’s no milk in these udders but I’m sure it’s tacky enough to go with those peacock mugs. Then again, it might be even in more poor taste.

39. Now this coffee mug appears to come from out of this world and land in some undisclosed location.

I wonder if they sell these on Roswell. Probably do. Seems like those crazy UFO seekers will go anywhere to see a flying saucer land, especially at a location of a recent UFO sighting. Hate to know what the aliens put in their coffee, if they drink it at all.

40. Since there’s an obsession with women’s butts, I thought this would be an appropriate mug for our times.

Of course, this would be a great coffee mug for Kim Kardashian. Then again, I’m not sure if giving it to anyone else would be a compliment or an insult.

41. Of course, in Louisiana, some coffee mugs have pelican bills.

Of course, you can hold liquids in its bill. Not sure how much. Hope none of it contains oil, after what happened with Deepwater Horizion in the Gulf of Mexico.

42. Now this metal beer mug would make a fine addition to any man cave, and only in a man cave.

Now this is probably a perfect gift for a guy’s pervy friend whose truck has the mudflaps with the naked ladies and a stash of porn. Then again, I’m not sure who’d really think getting a mug like this is a good idea.

43. Like your behind, your mug should also be covered in denim.

Think of it as a souvenir from the Levi’s factory. Not sure whether they are 501s, 527s, 512, or 529s. Yeah, you learn how to identify the types of jeans while working in the men’s department at Macy’s over the holidays.

44. In Scotland, even the mugs are wearing kilts down there.

Now this ceramic red kilt mug also has legs to go along with it. Nevertheless, I can’t help whether they wear anything under there. Then again, I must’ve gotten me mind in the gutter.

45. “That’s one small step for a mug, one giant leap for mug kind.”

Now this is a mug of the lunar module. But to me, it seems to resemble an alien spacecraft more or less. Guess the lunar module doesn’t translate well in mug form.

46. I don’t know about you, but I sure wouldn’t want to drink whatever’s in that mug.

Of course, this radioactive mug contains some of the best coffee grown fresh from the coffee plantations of Three Mile Island. Okay, I know Three Mile Island is in Pennsylvania and doesn’t grow coffee, but it’s not like I know any exotic coffee growing place that’s famous for a nuclear meltdown.

47. Of course, any Star Wars fan couldn’t do without a mug of an Imperial Stormtrooper.

Still, I'm not sure if I'd want to have an Imperial Stormtrooper coffee pot. Sure it will pour but it will always miss. Yeah, Imperial Stormtroppers never really seem to hit their targets for some reason.

Still, I’m not sure if I’d want to have an Imperial Stormtrooper coffee pot. Sure it will pour but it will always miss. Yeah, Imperial Stormtroopers never really seem to hit their targets for some reason.

48. Now this mug set seems to either be of Adam and Eve or from a nudist colony.

Either way, I wouldn’t want to be caught dead drinking from either in front of kids or in public. Seriously, why do these even exist is beyond me. Do not buy.

49. Seems like this mummy got up on the wrong side of the sarcophagus this morning.

Yeah, you really don’t want to anger a mummy in the morning. Best give them a cup of coffee to keep them under wraps so to speak.

50. Only in Myrtle Beach can you get a souvenir mug of a sunbathing man with one leg.

I’m sure this has to do with a design flaw of some type or anything in the artistic depiction. Still, it’s quite weird even if you don’t have anything against amputee sunbathers.

51. “All right, take two cups of espresso and call me in the morning.”

Seems that this person better check the dosage or else he or she might develop an addiction to medicinal coffee addiction. Yes, that bean is quite powerful stuff.

52. “Hello, I am Coffee bot and I am here to serve you.”

Okay, maybe it’s not a real robot which actually works. Still, you’d want to pour coffee into him would you? Kind of disappointing he doesn’t work though.

53. Lift off this morning with this one of a kind coffee mug.

Of course, when it it spills it’s basically, “Houston, we have a problem.” Still, kind of wish it came with a lid because it seems more like half a rocket to me.

54. Sometimes people like to stack their mugs together, especially if they have their own boxes.

Seems like having a bunch of stackable brick mugs might be quite convenient to have. Then again, people might wonder why you’re drinking from a square mug.

55. Finally, now this is the kind of mug which can help you tell your boss what you really feel about him.

Okay, now as much as I think it’s amusing, I’m not sure if you want to show your boss that mug. I mean fewer of us aren’t working in unionized workplace. So George Jetson job security is very common, especially to low wage workers.

56. Of course, for those going to Hawaii this summer, I’m sure you’d want a tiki mug as as souvenir.

Man, tacky tiki stuff never gets old, doesn’t it? I don’t know about you but culture biases aside, tiki sometimes can range from cool to poor taste depending on the setting.

57. Why should you have to guess your coffee’s temperature when your mug can do it instead?

Now with this mug, I’m sure heating up your coffee will be much easier. Of course, you can also use something called, “the hands.”

58. For the genius in your life, a Rubix Cube mug will help them solve their problems.

Of course, in order for the Rubix Cube to be a workable mug, it has to be solved first. Still, not sure if it takes the fun or frustration out of it.

59. Of course, just because you shouldn’t have a dirty mouth, does not mean your mug shouldn’t either.

Okay, now these seem like they’re straight out from Nasty Teeth.com. Unless the other person is in on the joke, these don’t make very good gifts.

60. Now if a guy has a mug like this, you don’t want to see him when he’s angry.

This is especially the case when the person in question is none other than Dr. Bruce Banner. So yeah, you might want to get Dr. Banner his coffee before he, you know.

61. Of course, when it comes to modern mug design, you should go with vibrant colors.

Now I like these. But I’m sure anyone who drinks from these is a hipster. But what the hell? Seems like a rather futuristic design if you get my drift.

62. Some people tend to wake up feeling like a horse’s ass.

Now I’m not sure what to make of this. I guess this is more of a gag gift for some people. Is there a head on the other side?

63. For your under the sea mug collection, this pink octopus mug will do nicely.

Now I’m sure any maritime fan would want this in their collection. Wonder if it will freak out anyone or stand out like a sore thumb among some of the better looking maritime mugs. Kind of like the pink flamingo of maritime mugs.

64. Of course, it’s some companies’ custom to sell mugs with their logo on them this is from a power company.

I’m sure British Petroleum’s company mug not only looks like an oil drum, but it also contains some salty black liquid inside of it. And I’m sure it’s not coffee.

65. Some people sleep till noon while others are found wide awake at the crack of dawn.

Okay, now this was probably made from some frat boy in pottery class. Still, I’m sure this is certainly not on the dark side of the moon.

66. Of course, morning is the time of day when you can check your e-mail.

So I guess this is expensive as hell or doesn’t really work. Talk about going online while you drink your coffee in the morning. Seems kind of ridiculous to me.

67. In some pottery classes, there’s a fine line between what’s acceptable and what’s not. Still, these are downright sleazy.

I’m sure these would make perfect gifts for any sleazy guy with a penchant for pottery. Still, I think nudity shouldn’t be in ceramics for obvious reasons. Seriously, you want to have mugs with content that’s at least PG-13.

68. When it comes to creating mugs, you can pretty much make one from just about everything.

This seems like it was made of an aluminum can and some wooden handle. Looks like something a hobo might use. Then again, it appears too shiny for some reason.

69. When it comes to morning routine, it’s said that coffee is known to get people wired up for the day.

Of course, I’m sure the wire is fake but it seems to make a great handle. Still, I think this is a pretty inventive mug if you think about it.

70. Of course, when it comes to mugs, a real maritime fan has to have one of a fish in the darkest depths of the ocean.

On second thought, this deep sea fish is one of the ugliest sea creatures ever. I mean it’s almost the stuff of nightmares. Why anyone would want to have mug like this is anyone’s guess.

71. “All right, men, let’s set our phasers to decaf just to be safe.”

Of course, all Starfleet officers must have their coffee, too. But I’m sure anyone wearing a red shirt will be more susceptible for spill burns. Because redshirts tend to be expendable human cannon fodder.

72. This mug seems to blur the lines between the notion of coffee mug and coffee machine.

Of course, if you use it as a coffee machine, what do we use under it? I think that’s a viable question. Then again, maybe the machinery look is more for decoration.

73. A fashionable lady always needs to drink her morning joe in style.

I’m not sure if a stiletto heel mug is very practical as a drinking vessel. Nevertheless, sort of give a whole new meaning to the word, “hip flask.”

74. With this rattler mug, nobody will ever dare drink your coffee ever again.

Now this is perhaps one of the most intimidating mugs I’ve ever seen. Seems like this rattlesnake really isn’t too happy and guards his morning joe with a vigilance.

75. Be at the height of fashion with this trendy zebra print handbag mug.

Of course, while some may think this fancy mug is the most fashionable thing you’d see in the Prada break room, I think it’s as tacky as any overpriced handbag they sell on Saks Fifth Avenue. Sorry, but I’m no fan of the high fashion industry or the concept of wearing expensive name brand clothes made from the hands of children in some Third World country.

76. Sometimes a handy coffee mug can also make a useful paperweight.

Now I’m sure this would definitely appear in the Jurassic Park gift shop. Then again, I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be a dinosaur’s foot anyway. Could come from any reptile as I see it.

77. Want to know where a driver’s coffee goes? Perhaps this mug will tell you.

Now according to this, very little of the coffee in the mug actually gets sipped. However most of it is either thrown out in the parking lot or spilled over on someone’s brand new jacket.

78. Of course, a coffee mug from the Hundred Acre Wood can be quite deceptive in its use.

I’m sure Winnie the Pooh has fans of all ages from kids to adults. But having a coffee mug as a one of Pooh’s honey pots, well, I’m not so sure.

79. Is this an upside down mug right side up or just a regular mug upside down?

The glaze tells me that it might be a mug that’s supposed to look upside down. But I’m not sure if it goes too deep. Yet, I’m sure this might cause some confusion.

80. Of course, have your coffee in a mug that’s designed like a water cooler at some high school or college football game.

Of course, it’s well known what’s in this mug so you don’t have to pour it out on someone after a team victory. Then again, I have no idea why football players dump these things on themselves after a game. Must be tradition. Still, I think the design is quite clever for some reason.

This Old Birdhouse

Posted by historymaniacmegan on June 7, 2015

Seeing birds in one’s back yard can be seen as a pleasant sight for many during the spring and summer when all the birds seem to be fluttering around after spending the winter down south (though maybe the South likes the winter birds as well). Of course, there are plenty of ways to draw their attention such as bird baths as well as bird feeders. One particular feeder I have in mind is a bird house, which not only feeds them but also can house a nest now and then in some cases (for instance, they have bluebird houses). But bird houses are mostly bird feeders. Still, when it comes to feeding birds, people have been making birdhouses for a very long time, perhaps centuries. Now there are plenty of bird houses out there since many people tend to uses them as a craft project as well since it tends to involve some easy DIY know-how. I mean most of the time it involves putting a hole in a piece of wood, as well as nailing a bunch of wood pieces into a small house. And it’s inevitable that many tend to have certain finishing touches on them. So without further adieu, I welcome you to enjoy the wonders in the world of bird houses.

1. We begin with a look at the historical Franciscan bird missions of the American Southwest.

Though the Franciscan birds tend to be seen as benevolent to the indigenous birds at times, it’s said that many of these bird missionaries tended to destroy a lot of indigenous cultures in the process. Then again, I heard that bird small pox tend to kill more indigenous birds than anything else.

2. In the winter, instead of flying south for warmer climates, your local birds could spend the winter in this swanky ski lodge built just for them.

Nevertheless, I hear they charge their avian lodgers fortune in birdseed. Maybe flying south for a winter in Boca Raton is a cheaper bet, but I’m sure the rates aren’t much better there either.

3. If your local birds want a more rustic look, this house is for them.

Now I think this might be a bird farmhouse made from scrap wood. But I’m sure it’ll have plenty of room with stores of birdseed in the pantry. Not sure if any hill billy birds live there though.

4. For their birdseeding needs, your fine feathered friends can just stop at this avian general store.

I’m sure this place has everything your birds need for the winter whether it’s seed, bugs, potential prey, hardware, clothes, and what not. They’ll find it all here.

5. When it comes to avian accommodations, nothing makes birds feel more at home than having a little log cabin in the woods.

Now for the bird wishing to get out from the cold and start a homestead, this little log cabin is the perfect fit, when there are trees around. Still, has a rustic feel to it like you’d see in a fancy set of Lincoln logs. It’s popularly noted that Aviraham Lincoln was born in a log cabin.

6. While putting real flowers on a birdhouse might be impractical, they’d certainly appreciate the floral artwork.

Now this is a lovely little birdhouse I wouldn’t mind having in my yard. It seems so picturesque, especially the floral wreath around the hole.

7. If you’re living in the world of Dr. Seuss, these birdhouses are just the ticket.

And Lord knows how many birds you get to see coming to these houses in Dr. Seuss stories. However, it’s kind of disappointing that these houses won’t get the kind of birds you’d see in Horton Hears a Who.

8. Do any migrating birds need a place to eat during their journey south, then I’m sure they’ll enjoy this avian diner.

Of course, while they specialize in hamburgers and hotdogs, I’m sure they have plenty of other entrees migrating birds would love. Not sure if they have any bird waitresses on roller skates or avian juteboxes though.

9. Of course, there are quite a few birds who belong to some kind of fraternal lodge order.

This one seems to belong to the Moose Lodge but I’m not sure whether the bears are a lodge order or not. Then again, they could be talking about actual bears.

10. If you have any fishing birds in your area, this bait shop would be of service to their needs.

Of course, most fishing birds don’t need a bait and tackle shop to catch fish. They just catch them with their beaks as God intended. Still, it’s pretty clever.

11. For the birds who think the ski lodge is cramped, say hello to this wooden bird castle complex.

Now this seems like a castle because it just appears so big from other birdhouses. But if it was in better proportion it would resemble something like a Victorian house. Still, it was either sitting in the garage for long periods or someone just had too much time on their hands.

12. Every bird should enjoy the comforts of home now and then.

Now this birdhouse has a nice stairwell as well as some of the latest styles of avian furniture, blinds, and a a swimming pool. Yes, this is the best birdhouse life has to offer.

13. If the mission style doesn’t suit your local Christian birds, you can always go with an avian meeting house.

Yes, I'm sure there will be some avian gospel choir in their singing hymns to Cheepsus. Okay, maybe not that, but it has a ringing bell for avian services.

Yes, I’m sure there will be some avian gospel choir in their singing hymns to Cheepsus. Okay, maybe not that, but it has a ringing bell for avian nondenominational services.

14. May I present to you, the Grand Birdepest Hotel.

Sorry, but I couldn’t resist that pun. But still, I hope it has those interwar luxury interior accommodations and nothing resembling anything from the post WWII era. Still, I’m sure it houses a lot of birds during the seasonal migration periods, particularly rich ones with greedy backstabbing sons, no doubt.

15. For those who prefer a more urbane avian accommodations, perhaps your birds might like this avian hotel.

Now this resembles something that you might see in almost any town or city. Still, I’m sure it would remind many city pigeons of home if they ever see something like this.

16. Like birds but don’t like birdhouses? Then feed your birds with this bird gazebo.

Now this provides a nice resting place for local birds where they can relax and enjoy nature. Can also be used for weddings. Let’s just hope that they don’t smoke cigarettes under them.

17. For migrating barn swallows, nothing makes it seem right at home for them than an actual barn.

Now this one has a little farmer and tractor. But I have to love the rustic woodwork in this as well as the fine craftsmanship. But I’m sure this is way too small for any actual farm animals.

18. There are some birds who have a taste in the more modern architectural house styles.

Sometimes what might cool in one way, might not in another. For instance, as a birdhouse this structure looks cool. But as an actual house, it would look ugly.

19. Of course, even birds must have their own McDonald’s for a quick bite to eat.

Nevertheless, as a fast food restaurant, McDonald’s is known to be a big contributor in avian cardiovascular disease, Type II diabetes, and obesity. Also, I hear their bird employees are only paid minimum wage, too.

20. For the birds still missing being near the beach, this tiki beach tavern is for them.

I do like how this one is built like a tiki bar with all the little bird stools. Still, keep away from avian alcoholics. Of course, some of these birds are there for the worms, not the tequila.

21. There are birdhouses and then there are bird mansions.

Now this is supposed to be a replica of a house in Maryland created by a guy who specializes in these kinds of birdhouses. Still, whether bird or human, I’m sure one like this won’t be very cheap in any case.

22. At times, you can build your very own bird log cabin from a bunch of twigs.

Now this one was built from willow twigs. Not sure what this person used to keep the pieces together. Still, it’s quite a marveling effort in many respects.

23. A birdhouse like this will certainly make any homesick bird feel at home for the holidays.

I’m not sure of what to make with Christmas themed birdhouses. I mean these birdhouses are only appropriate for a certain time of the year. And birdhouses need to look appropriate all year round. Then again, maybe this is just built for decoration.

24. As migratory birds always need rest now and then, a bird town offers a perfect rest stop.

Now there are a bunch of birdhouses like these. These 3 shown are Jail Birds Bail Bonds, Night Owls Bar, and Seedy’s Liquors. Seems kind of like a seedy place to me. But I’m sure some birds must enjoy the place.

25. Of course, birds always need a place to go where nature calls.

I’m sure these outhouses aren’t used for certain bodily functions. Because birds don’t really care where or how they crap. I mean they’d crap when they fly if they want to.

26. Now this birdhouse not only gives the birds a place to eat, but also makes your neighbors think twice about possibly stealing any belongings from you.

Now this is actually pretty clever if you think about it. I mean it’s a birdhouse but looks like a surveillance camera. It’s also made from metal in some parts.

27. This birdhouse has a built in birdbath where the local birds could feed and clean in the same spot.

I’m sure if this was put to use it would be covered in bird shit like most bird baths would. Seriously, birdbaths are disgusting. I’m not sure how some of them expect to get clean while bathing in their own shit most of the time.

28. Any lovebirds wanting to get hitched might want to check out this wedding chapel while they’re at it.

I wonder if any lovebirds are married there by an Elvis impersonator, if it’s in Las Vegas. Still, I’m sure birds have been mating millions of years without one. Just see some of the birds on my back porch.

29. For the birds wanting the punk rocker look, check out the Painted Bird Tattoo Parlor. They even do beak piercings.

Of course, this place doesn't take warblers. Sorry guys. Still, a lot of young birds' mothers won't be happy about this place.

Of course, this place doesn’t take warblers. Sorry guys. Still, I’m sure certain birds don’t understand how their avian employers tend to look down on those with tattoos and piercings.

30. A lot of times, birdhouses can range from the modern to rustic as well as from traditional to whimsical.

I don’t know about you, but this one reminds me of the Burrow from the Harry Potter series for some reason. You know the Weasley family’s house. I swear it looked just like that in the movies.

31. Every bird kingdom always needs its own bird castle fortress if you think about it.

Now this one certainly looks like a castle as I can see. Yet, I’m not sure if it will protect the finches from the possible eagle invasion.

32. While most birdhouses are made of wood, this one is fashioned from metal and blue tile or glass as it looks like.

Not sure whether the birds like it or not. But I like the blue finish to it. Looks like the ocean waves for some reason. Yeah, it’s cool.

33. Of course, every bird should always know to knock first before entering.

Yes, this is another birdhouse outhouse. And it seems that a little man has been occupying it for quite some time. Still, I think it’s quite funny.

34. When it comes to birdhouses, some may opt for a sleek modern design.

Now this looks as if it can be an actual house, though perhaps I wouldn’t be as in awe of it. Still, I like the flowers on it though.

35. Nevertheless, it can be said that birdhouses can come in a wide variety of shapes, sizes, and colors.

Now these birdhouses seem to almost blend in with the flowers. But funky colors will certainly draw a bird’s attention, if anything. But I do think they’re all lovely in their own way.

36. I daresay, I was going to put my mail in until I realized that it was not a letterbox.

Now this is a birdhouse from Britain as you can see by how it’s painted red and has the initials ER on it. Still, seems like Britain seems to have a problem with birds living in their mailboxes as it looks like.

37. Have some local birds spend the holidays in this Christmas cabin.

Guess building Christmas themed birdhouses is a thing in the South, when many of the migrating birds make do for the winter. Still, it’s quite ornate and cozy looking. Just needs some snow.

38. Hope the birds could make themselves at home in this cozy cottage.

Now this almost resembles a doll’s house at first glance. That is, until you see it mounted on a tree. Still, love the small chairs.

39. With birdhouses like these, you can start an avian neighborhood.

I like how these have a sleek design as well as come in a variety of colors. I’m sure any bird is going to recognize a birdhouse like that, that’s for sure.

40. For the coastal birds, perhaps they can enjoy the view of the ocean with this lovely beach house.

Of course, this might look a little small but at least it’s in bright colors and has a nice inner tube. But you can’t really take that off if a bird is drowning since it’s only used for decoration.

41. When you can’t get a rustic wooden barn birdhouse, an aluminum one will do nicely.

Now this seems almost like a model toy barn you’d see next to some antique doll’s house. Still, I think I like the wooden rustic barn better. Aluminum makes it seem more industrial looking.

42. For the hippie birds in your area, you can’t do better than a hippie van.

Of course, they’d be certainly tripping balls if you put some bird seed laced with marijuana and brown acid. But they’d probably love it anyway. Man, I’d love to see a stoned bird fly high.

43. For the country brid’s needs, here’s an old country store to their liking.

Love the little merchandise pieces on here. Really go wit the set up. But do the birds really need crap like that? Probably not, besides birdseed and possibly bugs.

44. For the Canadian birds out there, there’s nothing like staying in a large Canadian bird lodge.

I’m sure room and board at this Canadian bird lodge isn’t cheap. But I do like the red roof on this thing. Wonder how many of the birds who stay there are professional hockey players.

45. Don’t like birdhouses? Then how about a bird swing?

Sure it might have a couple of bird towers for birdseed. But I think any bird would find a swing like this quite fun. Only wish they’d make stuff like this for humans.

46. Introducing the Burger King Fly Through.

Hey, when it comes to avian fast food restaurants, McDonald’s isn’t the only one out there. But it’s apparent this one definitely serves burgers to the birds. Of course, its staff are paid low and their food will lead to all kinds of health problems. Also known as “Burger Barf.”

47. Yes it has a faucet, but does it have running water?

I know this is supposed to be a garden birdhouse. But I’m not sure what any bird would want to do with fake pansies and artificial turf. Also, I’m sure the faucet is for decoration.

48. A welcoming sight for birds is a brown house with some bright pink columns as well as pink and baby blue trim.

Now I wonder if I ever saw an actual house like this. Still, love the pink and baby blue on this house. They really stand out. I also like the flowers in the planter and pots.

49. When it comes to birdhouses, some just prefer a cottage in pink.

Now this is basically an avian equivalent to a Barbie dream house. Well, maybe not. But I think it’s pretty nonetheless even in pink.

50. When it comes to decorating birdhouses, you can use just about anything.

Now this one is decked with corks, stones, and other things. Looks like it was assembled from stuff found from a dumpster dive. But I kind of like it. Go figure.

51. Remember birdhouses could always be made from anything around the house.

Seems like this is a combination of an old timey coffee pot now used on camping trips and some sort of large barrel. Now what once served a cup of joe, now serves birdseed.

52. When it comes to birdhouses, you can’t always have a garden. But you can always paint one on there.

Now I really like the little birdhouse and the cute little milk bottles. Really seems to create an idyllic feel to this birdhouse, does it?

53. Seems like this log cabin has gone to the birds.

Yep, it says on the sign. Still, almost likens you to a Lincoln log cabin made from Lincoln logs. Love the rocking chair, by the way.

54. For the more mobile bird, you can’t do worse than a camper.

I’m sure this will probably be either pulled by a toy truck of some type. Still, I’m sure if it would be big enough.

55. For a more retro camper, go with this shiny one here. Sure the birds will love it.

Now this is more for the bird yearning for 1950s nostalgia. Can’t really see why because it looks like something straight out of the space age.

56. Of course, you can always have a birdhouse of an unusual shape like a cyclone.

Now I’m not sure a cyclone is a good shape for a birdhouse. Then again, it probably holds plenty of birdseed to last the winter.

57. In this case, this birdhouse was built along the tree.

Now I’m sure this is the architectural brainchild of a Mr. Frank Lloyd Wren, no doubt. Still, I’m sure snotty rich birds will love it anyway.

58. Yes, even birds feel like they have to confide to a psychic once in awhile.

I think this is Madame Cuckoo’s Psychic place. Of course, her slogan is, “Count your chickens before they hatch.” Still, you can’t put all your eggs in one basket.

59. This birdhouse comes with express free delivery. But don’t put your mail in it.

Yes, this birdhouse looks like a mailbox. And it seems to be made from wood and plastic. Still, I’m sure it’s more of a place for birdseed than bills.

60. Now I do declare this is a mighty fine avian plantation mansion there.

Now this seems like a kind of birdhouse you’d see in the antebellum South. Of course, you know what the rich planter birds used to harvest the birdseed.

61. Now there’s a birdhouse you can use to feed the birds and grow your plants at the same time.

Yes, I know it’s kind of crazy, but I’m sure it must work somewhat. Then again, the plant might be in a smaller pot.

62. For you Bible believing folks out there, perhaps this Noah’s Ark birdhouse would look great in your backyard.

Of course, this one comes with its own animals such as giraffes, elephants, zebras, and a dove on top. Still, quite amazing though.

63. For Halloween, the local birds would find these bridhouses quite spooktacular if you get my drift.

Once again, I’m not sure about holiday themed birdhouses. This is especially the case on Halloween in the fall, when most of the birds would be flying south for the winter. Then again, maybe not so much in the South.

64. The coastal birds would really find themselves at home with this lighthouse birdhouse.

This one is called, “The Nautical Nest.” I’m sure the light in this doesn’t actually light up at night in search of stranded sea birds though.

65. This avian restaurant has everything to the birds’ content as a rest stop.

Let’s hope the Live Entertainment doesn’t include titmice actually showing their tits (which they actually don’t have because they’re birds for God’s sake). Still, it’s called “Wagon Wheel Restaurant.”

66. While you’ve heard of gingerbread houses, I’m sure birds will take to this gingerbread birdhouse during the winter holidays.

I’m sure this isn’t intended for actual use because a gingerbread birdhouse wouldn’t be a long lived one. Seriously, I’m sure birds and other woodland creatures will surely devour it at some point.

67. Hmmm….didn’t know the birds have their own yacht club. Hell, didn’t even know birds had yachts.

I’m sure this place is filled with the spoiled rich birds from Ivy League schools you hear about . Bunch of 1% avian snobs.

68. For the birds traveling the Oregon Trail, this covered wagon would be a great place for their food and belongings.

Of course, any bird that decides to go on the Oregon Trail will sometimes have to deal with a chance of catching dysentery. Of course, that would mean a lot of birds shitting on cars.

69. Of course, while some have birdhouses, others have bird palaces.

This is an ornate bird house in the Maharajah Jungle Trek aviary in Disney’s Animal Kingdom. Of course, it’s certainly not for sale as far as I know. Still, very elaborate if you get my drift.

70. While most birdhouses are made from wood, many can be molded from ceramics.

Now these are very much elaborately painted with designs that put some art major’s drawing skills to shame. However, if it weren’t the holes and rods, I would’ve mistook them for very fancy firecrackers.

71. Of course, while birdhouses can be quite elaborate, you can paint them however you like.

Now I really like this house by how it’s so finely painted. Not to mention, it’s purple too. And sparkly.

72. Now this birdhouse cabin provides the perfect avian nature retreat in the wild.

Now this cabin not only has a porch, it also has a gazebo along with it, too. Not to mention, one pair has already built a nest in it as well.

73. Most birdhouses are usually plain, but this one seems to come straight out from Game of Thrones.

Now I love the ornate style of this such as the clam shell roof and the metal on the front. Still, I’m sure any birds on Game of Thrones would love this, even if many of them get killed off fighting for it.

74. Now your birds can work out their wings in this birdhouse avian gym.

Seems Tom’s Gym’s offering $50 off for personal training and guarantees results in 2 weeks. Still, I’m sure most birds tend to be in good shape without needing to visit a gym. Yet, I like the gym equipment in this though.

75. If you like old style houses, then this birdhouse with a waterwheel will certainly make your birds feel in another time.

Now this is said to be a watermill cottage with a porch all around. I’m sure the waterwheel is fake in this. But at least this birdhouse doesn’t include a birdbath.

76. At times some of these birdhouses tend to take a turn for the more abstract or moderne.

I’m sure many birds in the architectural world would see this as a masterpiece. Regular birds on the other hand, might see it as utter crap. Still, I think it’s kind of neat as it kind of reminds me of a person looking in.

77. You can always build a birdhouse with even the most minimum materials at hand.

Now I’m sure this was made from an old electrical outlet shield and an erector set. Seems like some birds have already made a nest there, too.

78. This birdhouse, is bound to make a bird feel at home in its natural habitat.

Now while birds might find a birdhouse like this quite attractive, I’m not sure about people in your neighborhood. They might wonder why this birdhouse seems to be covered in twigs.

79. Why build a birdhouse, if you can have a beautiful bird tower?

I wonder if they design birdhouses like that in Asia. I mean this kind of resembles a kind of avian pagoda to me for some reason. Still, I’m sure the birds will love it.

80. When it comes to birdhouses, you can always make the birds feel at home if you cover one with mosaics of some.

Now I’m sure this is a birdhouse even the biggest artistic bird lover would want. Still, I wonder how that person manage to get some of the brightly colored stone tiles. Probably some hardware store like Lowes or Home Depot.

To Have and to Hold Wedding Cake Toppers

Posted by historymaniacmegan on June 3, 2015

Now last year I did a post on wedding cakes which has received a lot of views since July. But even so, most wedding cakes usually have decorations of some sort, particularly on the top. Now toppers usually range from a floral arrangement with fake flowers to the traditional standing bride and groom. And a lot of times, you can customize as you and significant others please. However, despite this being a food post, most of what I have to feature isn’t at all edible and sometimes tends to be used as a keepsake. For instance, my grandparents have their wedding cake topper. Nevertheless, while I can tell you of all the great wedding cake toppers out there, you probably wouldn’t want to hear it since it would be quite boring and sentimental that it’ll make you puke in sheer boredom. So instead I’ll show wedding cake toppers that should never be on wedding cakes or see a wedding reception. I mean you have to wonder why couples would ever want them gracing their cakes. So for your reading pleasure, here are some ill-advised wedding cake toppers you shouldn’t put on your wedding cake. Some of these might not be safe for work.

1. All right, get him to the altar kicking and screaming where it’s legal.

I know it’s a gay marriage cake but still. It’s basically abduction if you really think about it, even if the guys are in tuxedos. And it being a gay wedding cake, it might have certain unfortunate implications to some people.

2. As in fairy tales, if you kiss a frog it’s said to turn into a prince.

Still, I’m sure if you kiss a frog he may still be a frog. And even if he’s a prince, he could still be a jerk. Seriously, the frog in the Frog Prince story was a jerk who thinks good deeds to girls should get him laid.

3. Sometimes the bride can just be too big that they fall into the cake.

Now while overweight women do get married (and not always to overweight men), this is just pretty insulting to them. Seriously, why does this cake topper even exist for God’s sake?

4. Nothing makes a better wedding cake topper than one paying tribute to a movie about a woman being pursued by her 12 feet tall and 800 pound city ravaging stalker.

Enjoy your honeymoon in New York City. Hope you like your view from the top of the Empire State Building. Seriously, King Kong is a very twisted love story if you really think about it.

5. Seems like she’s caught him by the buttocks. Now she just has to reel him in.

I’m sure if this guy wants to get loose, all he has to do is take his pants off. Then again, the hook might’ve dug into his skin by now. But I’m not sure if he’ll take it hook, line, and sinker.

6. “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you horse and unicorn head.”

Of course, you might think it’s demented. But keep in mind that a couple is actually wearing such masks in the background. Still, very demented as a cake topper of which your family members may never really understand.

7. Grace your wedding cake with the Dark Knight and his Catwoman bride.

Yeah, I’m sure a marriage between Batman and Catwoman would seem like a match made in heaven. But keep in mind, Batman is a psychological wreck with childhood induced PTSD who thinks dressing up as a bat as well as acts that his brand of vigilante justice and vengeance will honor his dead parents’ memories. And Catwoman, well, she’s a habitual thief and possibly can’t be trusted.

8. Now this wedding cake topper has the ultimate bridezilla.

Let me guess, their honeymoon will probably consist of storming the streets of Tokyo. It will probably be an utter disaster, for the Japanese at least.

9. This zombie wedding cake topper will show how true love lasts forever, even beyond the grave or during a zombie apocalypse.

Sure this might be a great wedding cake topper, if you plan to get married on Halloween. Otherwise, I’m sure nobody wants to think about zombie hordes hungry for your brains on what’s supposed to be a happy occasion.

10. Awww….Alien marries Predator. Isn’t that sweet?

I bet you any money that this cake topper was the groom’s idea in this wedding. Besides, since they already came out with Alien vs. Predator, I’m not sure if I’d think a Alien/Predator marriage would even work out. Then again, they might kill each other in the process, which may be fine by me.

11. Sometimes the secret to getting a man is to lasso him in.

This bride’s face reads: “Hmm…doesn’t seem like much, but he’ll do just the same.” Seriously, lassos are for cows, not men, especially at the neck.

12. I call this one “Armed in Matrimony.”

Because marriage is all about you and your partner against the rest of the world. Seems like the bride really loves her shotgun, perhaps a bit too much. Then again, at least the guns are for hunting as far as I know.

13. Get married and then spend your wedding day texting on your smartphones.

Now I have nothing against weddings but on your special day, mobile devices should be off limits at least until the honeymoon. Seriously, a cell phone interruption is the last thing you want at a wedding.

Now I have nothing against technology but on your special day, mobile devices should be off limits at least until the honeymoon. Seriously, a cell phone interruption is the last thing you want at a wedding.

14. “Ah…can I just play one more level of Halo?” “No way, Jose!”

Sorry, buddy, but it’s game over for you. Now pick up yourself by your bootsraps and grow up. Then again, I wonder if the bride is dragging him to the altar a little too soon.

15. Ah…there’s nothing like romantic moment like love at first fight.

I’m sure these two are only marrying each other because they want children and feel that they couldn’t find someone better. They can’t stand each other. Then again, they can be in a romantic comedy, which in this case would make them utterly perfect for each other.

16. Seems like this bride really loves her new husband’s cheeks.

Okay, I’m sure that would be hard to explain to the children. Nothing to see here, kids. You’ll find out when you’re older.

17. Congratulations to Mr. Right and Mrs. Always Right.

And it seems that Mrs. Always Right really wants to rub it in to Mr. Right. I’m not sure why. But she probably wants to show who’s boss.

18. Of course, weddings can be stressful. And after the big day, you just want to relax.

I can understand why the groom would want to kick back on his recliner and TV after the altar trip. Wish the bride could have something to relax on, too.

19. “Don’t make me aim my shotgun at you.”

I’m sure if you need a shotgun to stop a runaway groom, then I’m not sure if you should marry him. Him complying would be fear not love. And in romance, it’s better to be loved than feared and hated.

20. Seems like the latest wedding craze for brides is having their groom on a leash.

Now either this is utterly humiliating for the groom or some kind of BDSM routine. But by the look of their faces, it seems to lean toward the former for some reason.

21. These two newlyweds are as crazy as a couple of mad rabbits.

Sure rabbits are supposed to be cute little balls of fur. These are not in any way. Still, I’d watch out for the bride if I were you. She has a skillet and isn’t afraid to use it, and I’m not sure for cooking.

22. For your under the sea wedding theme, it’s best to have your wedding cake topped with a couple of mermice.

What the fuck? Seriously, this is fucked up beyond belief. How in the hell would anyone think that putting a fishtail on the animal you call an exterminator for is cute?I mean the person who came up with an idea like this must be a. a hippie who had too much brown acid at Woodstock, b. a mad scientist, c. a rogue taxidermist or some old timey impresario wanting to make a buck, or d. all of the above.

23. For those men about to marry significantly older women, a Harold and Maude wedding cake topper would do just fine.

Sure it’s a 1970s film about a barely legal emo teen and a geriactric bohemian old enough to be his grandma. But still, at least it has a good storyline, a strong female lead, and a Cat Stevens soundtrack. Also, at least it’s not a romance between 17 year old girl and a 107-year old vampire who hangs out at her high school. Now that would be very creepy.

24. “By the power vested in me, I pronounce you Chucky and Bride of Chucky.”

Okay, I think if my grandma saw this wedding cake topper she’d remark on how cute it was until she took a closer look. Yeah, I’m sure a topper of homicidal dolls is what you’d want on your wedding cake. Not.

25. Nothing drives the point of “till death do us part” than a couple of kissing skeletons emphasizing “how love never dies.”

Now skeletons are one thing but French kissing skeletons over a grave? Now that’s crazy. Even for a wedding on Halloween.

26. “I’m arresting you in the name of love for stealing my heart. You’ll be facing a lifetime of holy matrimony.”

I suppose this wedding cake topper is for a cop. Still, for a second I thought he either had her pulled over or she was giving a description of her runaway groom.

27. For more innocent fun, top your wedding cake with this PlayMobil couple.

Seems like this groom just married a black widow, or a woman who’d soon become one if he’s her first one. Yeah, and this is coming from a company that makes toys for children. That’s pretty twisted.

28. Seems like the couple packing heat together stays together. Then again, it’s possible that they’d probably die together, too in some domestic dispute that would go out of hand.

That groom better get off his cell phone now since I don’t like the look on the bride’s face. Seriously, all guns do is make these blushing newlyweds look like homicidal maniacs. Just saying.

29. For the guy from Baltimore getting married, this Baltimore Ravens cake topper is for you.

I could imagine my Aunt Jane’s husband recommending this cake topper for one of his kids when any of them get married. Still, I’m sure those aren’t taxidermied ravens since I’m sure the real birds are bigger.

30. For a little bit of night life, top your wedding cake with a couple of bats.

Okay, now this might seem fine for Halloween. But for any other time of year, it’s just batty. I mean there’s a reason why we don’t associate weddings with bats.

31. For your winter wedding you can’t do worse than a Snow Queen cake topper.

Okay, now despite that Frozen was inspired by the Snow Queen story. The tale is about a magical ice queen who abducts a child and keeps him in her castle for a long time. Hardly a subject for a wedding cake topper.

32. Seems like he either did something wrong or she made love like a praying mantis.

Okay, now this headless groom topper would be great for a divorce cake. But a wedding cake, c’mon, it’s disturbing. Seriously, the bride looks like as if she’s a new black widow than a new wife.

33. The family who stays together plays video games together.

And it seems that the bride is beating the groom every time. Hmmm..maybe the woman he married wasn’t as bad in video games as he thought.

34. Marriage is tying your beloved to a chair and threatening to cutting them up with a chainsaw.

Okay, who in the hell would want a wedding cake topper like this? This is utterly like something you’d see from your worst nightmares. Not on a wedding cake.

35. In the Lovecraftian universe, a Cthulhu wedding cake topper guarantees that you don’t have to orchestrate total global annihilation alone.

Of course, Cthulhu and his bride are basically evil Eldritch Abominations who wish to destroy the earth in oblivion. Not something you’d want to put on a wedding cake. But, hey, don’t judge me.

36. Nothing makes a great wedding cake than having it topped by two figures from Halo.

I guess the bride is the pink one. How could I have thought of that pray tell. Still, wonder how they’ll manage when, “you may kiss the bride,” are heard.

37. Seems like these two aren’t having a good start.

Now this isn't a good way to start a marriage. Once again, seems more appropriate for a divorce cake.

Now this isn’t a good way to start a marriage. Appears that these two are so mad that they’re giving each other the silent treatment. Once again, seems more appropriate for a divorce cake.

38. “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you Batman and Robin.”

Of course, if you’re thinking about the 1960s series, Batman and Robin’s sexuality comes as no surprise. Still, I don’t classify Batman as relationship material, since he really needs to see a therapist.

39. The couple who stays together gets drunk together.

Actually alcoholics make terrible marriage partners, even to each other. Couples who drink together don’t really stay together unless they go to rehab to get sober together. Seriously, marrying an alcoholic will certainly increase your chances of divorce.

40. For the couple who enjoys the James Bond movies, this wedding cake topper is for you.

Seems more like Mr. and Mrs. Smith to me. And let’s just say, it seemed like a marriage between two assassins trying to kill each other. Thus, more like a match made in hell.

41. “No way to run princess, you’re coming with me.”

Seems like the guy is more anxious to get married than the bride is. Then again, the bride probably wants to frolic in the open countryside and smell the flowers.

42. When getting a girl, try to lure her with something shiny and she’ll fall for it hook, line, and sinker.

I’m sure she’ll probably be in it for the jewelry. Of course, she’s not picky about the diamond size. But that doesn’t prevent her from being suspected as a gold digger.

43. “Can’t talk, honey, I’m running late for my golf game.”

Then again, at least I can be confident isn’t built like a gorgeous Swedish model and the groom doesn’t look anything like Tiger Woods. Still, I’m sure things between them are fine.

44. Here comes the bride….oh, wait, she’s still shopping.

Hope she makes it back in time to get married. I’d hate to see her keeping her groom hanging like that. Seriously, no woman in her right mind would want to shop on her wedding day.

45. It’s the bride at the bat with her groom pitching toward home plate.

Seems like the groom is in very close proximity. Hope the bride doesn’t hit a fast ball. I’m sure it wouldn’t look good for the groom.

46. Nothing makes a wedding cake better than a topper of the bride and groom on cell phones barely paying any attention to one another.

I’m not sure if these two are supposed to be talking to each other. However, it certainly doesn’t look like it. Seriously, unless one of you has a relative in the hospital, cell phones should be off at all times during weddings.

47. For horse lovers, nothing makes a better wedding cake topper than one of horses entwined together.

Now it’s one thing to have horses on your wedding cake, especially if you’re both horse lovers. But entwined horses, that’s just pushing the envelope into tacky if you ask me.

48. “Remember, Barry, chapel first, hunting lodge later.”

And it seems like the bride has the shotgun in hand to make sure her groom complies. Seriously, this is kind of crazy. Then again, the sign did state, “No Hunting.”

49. Seems like these two are nuzzling up like a couple of earthworms.

Earthworms on a wedding cake topper? Seriously? I mean they’re slimy ground dwelling creatures for God’s sake. There’s nothing cute about them whatsoever.

50. “May you two be mounted together in the sacred bond of holy matrimony.”

Now having mounted deer on a wedding cake. That’s just, well, tacky to say the least. Still, these two seemed to be together whether they like it or not. Nevertheless, the antler rings are in poor taste.

51. This NASCAR wedding cake topper will ensure your way to the finish line.

Of course, this would’ve been a perfectly nice wedding cake topper if it didn’t have the checkered flags on it. Yeah, that just looks tacky to say the least. Perhaps they should cover the bride and groom with corporate sponsor logos, too.

52. Nothing makes a wedding cake better than a topper consisting of pigs with wings.

I’ll highly recommend this topper to any couple about to get married….when pigs fly. Seriously, this almost make tacky flamingo lawn ornaments look like the Venus de Milo.

53. Nothing says true love like a wedding cake topper of two disembodied hands joined together as one.

Now unlike some of the creepier cake toppers, this one is supposed to elicit heartwarming feelings. However, it’s just plain creepy and terrifying.

54. For the die hard motorcycle fans, this wedding cake topper is one you can’t miss.

Now a motorcycle wedding cake topper is one thing. But one in a field of lace? Now that’s in poor taste. Just because lace is pretty and Harleys seem badass, doesn’t mean that the two should go together.

55. Nothing makes a circus themed wedding more festive than wedding cake toppers like these clowns.

Now I’m not sure why anyone would want a circus themed wedding. Still, this clown couple is pretty much the epitome of tacky. You’re better off with a topper of Cirque du Soleil.

56. Nothing says “I love you” like a cute deer who’s about to get himself shot on your wedding cake.

Like how the groom is dressed up like Davy Crockett in a suit. Yeah, really seems like he’s going to bring home a buck. Hope it has 3 or more points or else it ain’t legal to shoot.

57. As the old saying, marriage is the old ball and chain.

Seems like this bride is going to have her groom locked to the ball for awhile. And he doesn’t seem to be too happy about it. Now I know this is from an old saying. But still, there are plenty of men around who want to get married.

58. Newlyweds are supposed to be happy as a couple of pigs in the lilacs.

Now this would make a perfectly good wedding cake topper, if it weren’t for the pigs in it. Seriously, why put pigs on a wedding cake? They’re not cuddly creatures.

59. “I’ll get you to the altar, even if I have to drag you myself with my bare hands.

Okay, this sort of looks like in a movie when the bad guy captures the princess as he drags her into his lair with a creepy smile. Yeah, not a good scenario here.

60. For those who think the zombie and skeleton wedding cake toppers weren’t creepy enough, this one is for you.

Now this is downright terrifying. Can’t imagine what kind of couple having this on their wedding cake would actually look like. Then again, maybe I could and just don’t want to imagine it.

61. “I now pronounce you Bigfoot and the Abominable Snowman.”

Now while we can agree sasquatches and yetis tend to look similar, I’m not sure if they’d be able to get together. I mean one’s in the Pacific Northwest while the other’s in the Himalayas. So it’s all a matter of geography.

62. Seems like someone really likes to shop at the best retailers. I wonder who.

Now I hope she’s not just marrying the poor guy for the money here. Because all that merchandise she has with her doesn’t look cheap to me.

63. May you love, honor, cherish, and stand your ground.

Just when you think you’ve seen enough wedding cake toppers with guns on them, they come out with another one. Now I get that a lot of people like guns but still hate to put my politics in this, but guns kill people. It’s their purpose. And you wonder why we can’t get gun control.

64. Seems like it’s all downhill from here.

I’m not sure skiing down from a multi-tiered wedding cake is going to be good for these figurines. Perhaps this couple is going on a ski resort for their honeymoon.

65. “I now pronounce you Optimus Prime and Megantron.”

Hmmm….didn’t know they had a pink Transformer. Then again, robots don’t have gender anyway. Still, a few explosions and it would be like the live action Michael Bay series that keeps making money despite not having plot.

66. “You may spank the bride.”

This could easily be a wedding cake topper of a tuxedoed guy and a stripper, not to be stereotypical. The bridal outfit could just be a costume.

67. When it comes to marriage, a lot of times it’s just give or take.

Unfortunately, this guy seems to treat his gold digging bride as if she was a stripper at some nightclub in Las Vegas. Seriously, this is a terrible piece for a wedding cake? What kind of couple would want this?

68. Of course, since a lot of people like bacon, it’s only fitting that I show a bacon wedding cake topper.

Of course, having bacon topped on your wedding cake really emphasizes the “till death do we part” construct. And by, “death” I mean cardiovascular disease.

69. When it comes to weddings, some couples can’t keep their hands off each other.

Seems like this couple were among those who saved sex until marriage and they just want to get it on the first chance they get. Save it for the honeymoon, kids.

70. Seems like this groom is running the ball with the wife on his back.

I’m sure running the ball with a bride on your back is hard, especially with a bunch of guys from the other team going after you. Then again, maybe that’s why the bride is on his back. True teamwork spirit, man.

71. For a western wedding theme, go with a wedding cake topper of horses.

I don’t know about you, but the top part seems to be made from cheap plastic crap from China. I think it would’ve been fine with just the flowers. Seriously, why?

72. For many, marriage means being happily handcuffed together for life.

Seems to me that the bride is an undercover cop as I see with the hidden gun in the holster. And the groom is the crook. Either way, this wedding cake topper looks very sleazy to say the least.

73. No wedding cake topper emphasizes your love for the great outdoors than one depicting a couple of moose.

At least the female of the pair is depicted right in this topper. Not like in the nativity scene set in which every adult figure has antlers, including the Virgin Mary. Yeah.

74. Sick of figurines, how about top your wedding cake off with a sparkly crown?

Seriously, a crown for a wedding cake? For God’s sake shouldn’t the bride be a princess for the day? Also, why does this even exist?

75. Understand that relationships are all about faith and trust, which you two will definitely need when fighting off the zombie apocalypse.

I’m sure your wedding sucked if you spent the reception basically killing off zombie wedding guests. I mean weddings are supposed to be happy occasions. A zombie plague at the reception isn’t.

76. Sorry, buddy, but you will be hers and she will make you one of them.

Of course, there’s a popular notion that certain men don’t want to get married. However, I think when it comes to zombie brides, this guy seems to have a valid excuse. Seriously, nobody wants to be eaten or catch zombie plague.

77. Seems like these two got themselves a bridegroom.

Of course, if the bride wasn’t so anxious to get to the altar, who knows what would’ve happened to him. Because I’d sure wouldn’t want to leave him alone with the bipedal buck packing heat.

78. Seems like she’s the one wearing the pants in the relationship, literally.

Now I’m sure the groom is quite embarrassed to be seen without his trousers. Still, this is in pretty poor taste if you think about it.

79. Now this bride has managed to catch a fish and her man.

I’m sure the big one didn’t get away this time, but I’m not sure which one it is. Still, not sure if it makes a great wedding cake topper.

80. “Get your drunken ass off the floor for we’re going to the chapel.

Now if one of you is found drinking with beer cans on the day of your wedding, I think you should really reconsider going through with it. Seriously, alcoholics make terrible spouses and calling it off may be a waste of money now but it will save you a lot of potential divorce costs in the long run.

Till Death Do Us Part Wedding Photography

Posted by historymaniacmegan on June 1, 2015

As we all know, weddings are said to be one of the happiest times of a person’s life, especially if you’re a woman who’s dreamed of her fairy tale wedding as a little girl. Now I haven’t walked down the aisle myself, but I understand that it’s an occasion most people want to remember fondly and the main reason why they hire wedding photographers and video guys for these gigs. Of course, my grandparents married for 58 years didn’t have the video guys to record their wedding but my parents married for 28 come June did and the last time they saw their wedding video, they couldn’t believe how many people in it were dead. Still, most people want the occasion to be special as well as documented in a certain way like perfect and romantic. Typical wedding portraits may have a couple very much in love as well as possibly surrounded by friends and family. Now I can go on and on about the great wedding photos of our time but you’d probably be bored to tears wish. So instead, I’ll introduce you to photos that either depict wedding mishaps or things bound to go wrong or possibly make you scratch your heads asking what were they thinking? This would especially be the case when I show you pictures from Russia and believe me there’s a lot of them. Some of them may not be safe for work, by the way. So without further adieu, here are some great disastrous wedding photos too terrible to miss.

1. Universal Pictures presents Attack of the 50 Foot Groom!

Let me guess, when the groom snatches up his bride, they’ll probably be headed to their honeymoon in New York City. And I’m sure they’ll be on top of the Empire State Building before the airplanes shoot him down to the ground. Yes, it’ll be the beauty that killed the beast.

2. “Oh, Svelenta, you shouldn’t have. Boris and I will love it,” said Grushenka with her teeth clattering.

I’m sure this dildo tends to receive an award for the “Most Awkward Wedding Present.” Seriously, would giving Boris and Grushenka a toaster or veggie dip dish would be that bad?

3. Ladies and gentlemen, time for the Chicken Dance!

Okay, as much as I think the Chicken Dance is a lame ass song to do a dumb dance to, this is not what I had in mind. Then again, it’s from Russia where they do silly photo ops like having chickens dancing.

4. In Russia, it’s customary for the bride to stick bread in the groom’s mouth near a tree.

Okay, I’m not sure how the bread passes through the groom’s head to the tree. Oh, yes, I do photoshop. And a very bad job at it.

5. In Russia, they seem to take the words, “till death do us part” very seriously.

Seriously, this is supposed to be a happy occasion. Do you want to blow your whole future away through a game of Russian roulette? Besides, guns have absolutely no place in weddings at all, even in westerns.

6. Seems like someone woke up with cold feet this morning.

I’m sure this is a joke. But as I can tell by the bridegroom’s soles, I don’t have much hope for the two of them. Then again, he may be saved by a Scotsman on a horse at the last minute.

7. Theirs was a love that nothing could come between them, save maybe the occasional alpaca.

This would’ve been perfect if the groom in question was Napoleon Dynamite. Still, the llama’s presence really kills the mood here. Perhaps getting married at a llama farm isn’t a good idea.

8. Sure it might be romantic to take a photo op near a beautiful national monument or church. Just don’t mind the beat up homeless guy.

Of course, in Russia the presence of a homeless guy could mean the seriousness and hard work of marriage. Or perhaps a reminder of what would happen to the husband if he drinks too much vodka. Then again, Russia isn’t a happy place.

9. Of course, you can always have your photo taken on a picturesque landscape, perhaps in the American West.

I don’t know what that chair is doing here but I’m sure it doesn’t go well with the scenery. Then again, they could’ve had the photo taken at a studio and the whole desert thing is a backdrop.

10. Someone doesn’t seem too happy about the happy couple.

Now I don’t know about you but the guy in the background just seems so evil in his beard and turban, as if he wants revenge on his brother for stealing the woman he loves. Then again, maybe I should cut back on certain kinds of movies. I don’t want to stereotype here.

11. Seems like this guy has found the perfect match.

Sure she may not be much to look at. But I can see the resemblance even though they tend to put on a straight face during the festivities.

12. Wedding in Aisle 3! May I repeat, wedding in Aisle 3!

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think having your wedding in a supermarket is a good idea. I mean, obviously unromantic aesthetics aside, it’s always crowded with people scrambling for the best deal.

13. “I know pronounce you centaur and centauress. You may kiss the bride.”

Now a beach scene is a romantic backdrop. However, having the married couple photoshopped as centaurs? Seriously, that’s insane! Guess, they’ll soon be horsing around.

14. “Good luck on your honeymoon, kids, and don’t forget to write.”

Seems somebody here is suffering from separation anxiety and I don’t think it’s the bride or groom. Still, I know parents have mixed feelings about seeing their kids get married. But still, it doesn’t help that this mom is watching the newlyweds make out.

15. Take a look at this guy’s bridal carry.

Yeah, lifting the bride flat on her back wasn’t much of a challenge to him. He had to literally sweep her and then grab her from her feet. And also but a lot guys’ self-esteems out the window.

16. Sometimes appearances can be deceiving, so look closely if you’re making assumptions.

Maybe Larry shouldn't have taken off his jacket before posing like this. Seems like the dress is coming from the bride's butt in this.

Maybe Larry shouldn’t have taken off his jacket before posing like this. Seems like the dress is coming out from Marcia’s ass.

17. Apparently, to these women, Mrs. Claus is a fashion icon.

So glad I didn’t live in the 1950s. Sure I may love purple but the bridesmaids’ outfits seem too grannyish and Christmasy for some reason. The dresses would’ve been more appropriate for caroling. I reckon the men in this wedding are all either wearing red Santa suits or elf outfits.

18. Seems like some bride is being taken into custody by the Love police.

I’m sure this was done by a couple because the bridegroom is a cop. Nevertheless, this bride doe have the right to remain single. Wedding song is possibly, “Stop in the name of love, before you break my heart….”

19. “Harry, do you always have to get a call? Why couldn’t you just leave your phone off this one day for Christ’s sake? It’s not like your granny’s dying in the hospital.”

If that guy were my husband, I would feel like smacking him with the bouquet, too. Seriously, there are some major events in life where cell phone interruptions shouldn’t happen, save maybe the exception of having a clinically ill or dying relative in the hospital. Weddings should be among these events. Still, I wonder if he’ll be answering his cell phone while he’s witnessing the birth of their child, if he’s even there. Or perhaps his kid’s high school graduation.

20. Sorry, buddy, but I think your bride has already succumbed to the Dark Side of the Force.

Maybe if the guy brought his lady love flowers, chocolate, and jewelry, this whole thing would’ve been prevented. Still, didn’t know that Darth Vader was quite a ladies’ man. Must be the cape.

21. Nothing exemplifies the marital spirit than being married at the church in a cow costume.

Seriously, I don’t think a cow costume is proper wedding attire for a groom. Still, I’m sure the missus will udderly milk him for all it’s worth.

22. This bridegroom is so strong that he can lift an entire car with is bare hands.

Yes, Mother Russia certainly makes him strong. Still, unless he’s built like King Kong, he probably won’t be able to lift a Fiat in real life. So yes, this all the magic of photoshop.

23. “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you mullet and wife.”

Glad I didn’t live in the 1980s either. Still, I’m so happy that my dad was never a big enough fan of hair bands or trashy country that he’d actually get a mullet. Yes, mullets are simply horror beyond imagination.

24. “Now where’s the bride side? Oops!” “Yeouch! Dad, can’t you just not trip on my veil for God’s sake?”

I’m sure this mishap happens a lot at weddings. Hope the bride ‘s scalp is all right. Still pretty funny.

25. Marriage is about two people looking together in the same direction.

I’m sure this guy in the background just wanted a place to relieve himself and couldn’t find any better restroom accommodations than a stinky outhouse. Still, while men have needs, it sort of really kills the romantic mood.

26. Guess this wedding theme is “Wasted Away Again in Margaritaville” with the reception entree being “Cheeseburger in Paradise.”

I’m sorry but when I see a guy in such an elaborate wedding outfit, I’m bound to make a joke about Jimmy Buffet’s Parrothead fans now and then. Also, the pants are quite hideous, too.

27. His hands spell, “FEAR.”

Hmmm….let’s hope his hands don’t reflect his commitment anxiety, shall we? Because if it does, then there may be a problem.

28. Hey, I didn’t know you can get your marriage license at the same place you can put away your crazy uncle.

Now do you think it’s a great idea to have your Marriage License Bureau near the Mental Health Department. Must have a lot of interesting stuff going on at that courthouse.

29. “Now that I’m married to the family, I’ll now make plans to kill whoever stands in my way of the family fortune. Mwa ha, ha, ha, ha.”

Let’s hope he’s a nice guy and doing it for love. Nevertheless, the guy’s face gives me the impression that he ‘s an evil fortune hunting psycho with murder on the mind.

30. Hmmm….seems like the best man should know where his hands don’t belong.

I don’t know about you, but I’m sure that only the groom should be allowed to have his hands on the bride’s thighs. Let’s just hope the best man had too much to drink at the bachelor party, shall we? If not, this can get a bit awkward.

31. They wanted a horse and buggy but this was the only thing they could get with their budget.

Now the pony is quite cute I have to admit. However, seeing an old guy in short shorts, not so much.

32. May your marriage bring new life into the world around you.

Cemeteries are supposed to be nice public parks where you visit your deceased loved ones. So posing for wedding photos there would make sense. However, make sure you’re in a place where there’s not a bunch of graves in view. That could have some crazy implications.

33. Of course, when you got to go, you got to go. And we all should be aware that little boys have very small bladders.

Well, at least the ring bearer didn't go on that woman's skirt. But I wonder if anyone in this photo seems to notice other than the person taking the picture.

Well, at least he didn’t go on that woman’s skirt. But I wonder if anyone in this photo seems to notice other than the person taking the picture.

34. While uncorked champagne is supposed to flow with bubbles, sometimes it tends to explode and shoot up like Old Faithful.

Seems like this groom more likely expected to have champagne in his glass instead of all over his hands. I guess he’s asking, “Son a bitch! How the fuck do you stop this thing?”

35. At a lot receptions, bouquet catching is a combat sport.

Because like any variety of sport, bouquet catching brings you the drama of athletic competition from the thrill of victory to the agony of defeat. Seriously, it’s just a stupid bouquet, nothing to get all worked up about. Besides, the little girl is too young for the bouquet catching anyway. But she could be just practicing.

36. Hope they’re not serving pork or BBQ ribs at this reception or else Chris P. Bacon may go on a murderous rampage.

Then again, perhaps we should hope for the best, such as the notion that these people are Jewish. Thus, in that case, at least everything will be kosher.

37, Hey, the groom is supposed to cut the cake, not the bride!

Of course, this is probably a joke. Then again, the guy seems to really enjoy holding the knife, perhaps a little too much. I’d look out for him if I were you.

38. In the 1970s, white tuxedos for grooms were all the rage.

At this point, Jerry was at a critical crossroads in his life in which he had the choice between his dead end job as a bartender at a disco club or working in porn.

39. In Russia, you can get a ride on a giant swan on your wedding day.

I’m sure this is photoshopped. If not, then it could be fair to say that this is a radioactive swan from Chernoblyl. Yeah, a lot of strange stuff going on there.

40. To save funds, Lindsey decided that she and her bridal party would make their dresses from a bunch of torn curtains.

Well, on the bright side, at least they could save money on the flowers. Still, these patterns are far out, man. Yeah, maybe floral patterns aren’t great for bridesmaid dresses.

41. He’s got his whole wife in his hands.

And the little woman doesn’t seem too happy about it. Bet this is the wedding picture from the photo album of the Giant from Jack and the Beanstalk. How they manage to have an active sex life, I’ll never know.

42. A wedding photo at the aquarium seems like a magical idea. What can possibly go wrong with that?

I think the two of them found the perfectly wrong place to kiss for a wedding picture. Really, near the shark tank? That’s not romantic. Also seems like she’s kissing the shark.

43. Nothing makes a happy Russian wedding than playing your accordion and trumpet near a statue of Vladimir Lenin.

As to what connection Vladimir Lenin is to Russian weddings, accordions, and trumpets is beyond me. Seriously, Lenin was a Bolshevik revolutionary who turned Imperial Russia into the USSR while weddings are basically a whole capitalist industry targeted to the bourgeoisie.

44. “Oh, my God, get a room, people!”

Someone doesn’t seem to tolerate excessive public displays of affection, even at weddings. Perhaps they need to save the nasty stuff for the honeymoon.

45. Of course, when it comes to wedding photos, hand placement is everything.

Now this is a way to embarrass your kids on their special day. Seriously, why can’t the parents just save that touching for the bedroom, where it belongs?

46. Now this bridegroom is so happy that he just can’t keep his hands off her.

Yeah, boy, you can touch your wife’s breast later. But for now as long as they appear in public, the boobies are off limits.

47. The girl who catches the bouquet is said to be the next to get married. The girl who catches the cat is said to remain perpetually single for the rest of her life.

Either way, the ladies seem to be just as excited for some reason. Still, I really feel for the girl who gets the cat. She’ll probably have a bad case of literal cat scratch fever (but fortunately, not the type Ted Nugent sings about).

48. “John, why didn’t you tell me about you and Larry?”

I don’t know about you, but I think that this bridegroom has some explaining to do. Well, if it is what I think it is, at least she now knows what she may be getting into. Then again, he might go both ways.

49. Though it’s always in sickness and in health, the couple who works out together, stays together.

Now I know that exercise is important to a healthy lifestyle. But really, working out in your wedding clothes? That’s not very practical.

50. For their wedding Jason and Becca decided to go for a real ring bearer.

Four year old boys to carry rings? Gah! They have a black bear. Of course, having a black bear carry jewelry down the aisle does run the risk of having some of the guests eaten alive during the ceremony. Also, most churches don’t allow pets, let alone wild animals for God’s sake. Okay, maybe 4 year old ring bearers aren’t such a bad idea.

51. Nothing makes a bride happier than her cigarette and machine gun.

If her husband were smart, he’d be sure to keep it in his pants. Because let’s just say, I wouldn’t mess with a bride holding a weapon as we’ve all learned from Kill Bill.

52. Grab your pitchforks, sticks, and cameras, for there’s a wedding on the midst.

For one, I have no idea why a scene like this is even necessary. Second, I don’t know why the pig is in this. Seriously, why?

53. With this Russian couple, it’s till death or murder do they part.

Nevertheless, I think the groom has the short end of the stick in this since he has a little dagger. The bride on the other hand, has a military grade gun with a silencer. So I think he better be nice to his wife from now on.

54. Seems like Tanya has caught herself a husband.

Now I’m sure this is a joke given that the Russians have a sick sense of humor. But abduction is a terrible way to find love and even if you are successful, the other person is bound to hate you. Still, love the guy being tied and blindfolded in the car who seems to squirm their way to the chapel.

55. “Honey, I’m beginning to think we shouldn’t have booked our wedding at Jurassic Park.”

So remember, kids, dinosaurs may be awesome in their own right and it’s perfectly fine to like them. But please, when you get married, don’t book your wedding at Jurassic Park for you don’t want to spend your wedding night in a stomach of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

56. “I’ll just make it look like an accident like an auto erotic asphyxiation mishap. No one will ever know.”

Vladimir should’ve known that Valentina was a notorious strangling Black Widow and only married him for the money. But he seemed to enjoy the strangling way too much to care.

57. Ah, weddings, great times for couples of all kinds. And it seems like the dogs are taking to each other, too.

Yes, two dogs humping each other can really ruin an idyllic, fairy tale wedding photo. And they really don’t give a shit if you have to see it. Really, they have no conception of privacy. Of course, this is a probably a great time for these two to ask each other whether their pets have been spayed or neutered.

58. This wedding was brought to you by the penguins of Madagascar.

As to what the hell the penguins of Madagascar have with weddings, I have no idea. But apparently, the Russians might have the answer, somewhat. Still, probably would’ve been a conventional wedding photo without the magic of photoshop.

59. “Ivan, it’s lovely, but will it fit in our living room?”

I’m sure photoshop had something to do with putting the limo in there. Or else, the building would’ve been totally obliterated. Still, don’t ask me why this couple thought it was a good idea.

60. “Help, it’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!”

When the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man crashes and wreaks havoc at your wedding, who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!

61. Just give him a few minutes and close the door, lady.

I’m not sure why they opted for an outhouse scene. But when a guy’s gotta go, he’s gotta go. Also, even if he has a wide stance, he should still shut the damn door while he’s doing his business.

62. There she goes, going where no bride has gone before.

Okay, there’s no way in hell that I could take this picture seriously. I mean the bride basically has rocket thrusters on her dress. This is just crazy.

63. Seems like the drones and planes came in just in time for the reception. Now the rampaging T-Rex is under control.

Seriously, what’s the deal with dinosaurs and explosions in wedding photos? Still, the moral of this is probably don’t book your wedding at Jurassic Park, even during during the winter.

64. “So, Stanislav, you want to marry my daughter? Let’s check your portfolio.”

I suppose this is the Russian version of Meet the Parents. And no, I don’t think it’s a comedy. Also, the older man kind of looks like Vladimir Putin which is even more disturbing.

65. Nothing says, “honeymoon” like riding the waves on an amphibious vehicle.

For one, I’m sure the car is not amphibious. Second, I’m sure a tidal wave will ruin it along with the flowers and the couple’s clothes. Third, I’m very sure this is photoshop. Nevertheless, don’t me why these two thought a photo like this was a good idea.

66. In Texas, it’s sometimes the custom to have the bride and groom ride on a mechanical bull.

Of course, they better ride it easy, especially if they plan to have any children. Because such activities may “hurt his chances of being a daddy,” as my dad would always say.

67. Some couples tend to have their wedding photos modeled after famous paintings. Wonder what can go wrong with that?

Ophelia, seriously? There’s nothing romantic about that. I mean in Hamlet she’s basically a smitten teenage girl who’s in love with a guy who may or may not care too shits about her, goes mad, and drowns herself in the river. Maybe stick to Romeo and Juliet or Othello. Oh, wait.

68. Seems like the Russian mob caught up to them before they ever made it to the reception.

Seriously, what the hell? Not many newly married couples make out in trunks for God’s sake. And what’s that flower girl doing here overlooking the scene?

69. Nothing makes a wedding better than a shark with a badass swordsman rising out of a lake.

Okay, if I were there during a wedding reception, I’d be freaking out and soaking my pants, possibly shitting them. I mean it’s not normal. But none of them seem very upset or fleeing for their lives. In fact, they seem rather in awe.

70. “Let’s play a game like dueling pistols or Russian roulette.”

Sure she may be a blushing bride. But having her smile as she points a gun to her head, well, I have to wonder about her state of mind. I mean does she have a death wish or something worse.

71. While Jesus Christ was said to walk on water, this bride manages to run via a motor in her dress.

This was made possible by the magic of photoshop, which explains why she’s not soak and wet by now. Also, explains leaving a stream of water akin to a motorboat.

72. “Have to be home by midnight, so here’s my glass slipper if you want to find me.”

Is it just me or is this basically the skankiest rendition of Cinderella I’ve ever seen? Seriously, the lights seem like they’re from a rave and the bride seems to be dressed like a streetwalker. But at least the pumpkin coach is equipped with a state-of-the-art sound system.

73. Nothing makes your wedding more of a blast than making a photo a scene from Transformers.

If I saw a wedding photo like this at someone’s house, I’d question their taste in either wedding photography or movies. Seriously, it would’ve been fine the way it was without the photoshop. I mean why?

74. When you find your angel, always have her weighed down with a lock and chain so she doesn’t escape from your clutches.

Now I’m sure a golden lock like that will certainly do the trick. Actually I’m being sarcastic. Still, the wings look fake. Like photoshopped fake.

75. “Looking for your handsome prince. Too bad, I’ve already shot him and have him in my pocket. So you must marry me now.”

Then again, to be fair, the frog from the Frog Prince story was actually kind of a jerk who thought that the princess owed him sex just because he did something nice for her. Maybe she should settle for the archer instead.

76. To save his true love from the evil dragon and other beasts, Dimitri comes to the rescue with his rope, sword, shield, and military grade weapons.

At least this guy thinks of everything, even the roses. Still, seems like someone's a bit too into either video games or D&D.

At least this guy thinks of everything, even the roses. Still, seems like someone’s a bit too into either video games, BDSM, D&D, or all three.

77. “Shit, this fucking Everlast chastity belt is a fucking pain to get off!”

I’m not sure if that’s actually a chastity belt (which it probably isn’t nor would I encourage anyone to wear one), but it makes a great caption. Nevertheless, you should be careful with power tools, just saying.

78. Sorry, lady, but nobody’s safe from the winged groom who will take you to his secret lair.

Apparently, Russians seem to find this quite funny. However, I think the concept of abduction is love is disturbing and think it’s hysterical because of bad photoshop.

79. Here’s a portrait of a beautiful bride. Wonder what can go wrong with that.

Unfortunately, the photographer forgot to take note of the outhouse in the background. Really doesn’t make for a touching photo does it? I mean outhouses are simply disgusting chambers of stink and waste you can’t flush down.

80. If you’re tired of too many takes in a wedding photo, it doesn’t hurt putting a cardboard cutout of yourself in your place.

Uh, yeah, it does. Seriously, the flatness is very noticeable. Besides, not all of us have a cutout version of ourselves anyway. Because it’s kind of crazy.

Say, “No,” to the Dress

Posted by historymaniacmegan on May 28, 2015

I may not be married and have no boyfriend or fiance to make wedding plans with to speak of as of 2015, but I know that spring and summer tend to be high times for weddings around this time of year. So since my next opportunity for a holiday post is in July, I feel I might as well do some wedding posts since everyone tends to relate to those things. Of course, almost every young girl has dreamed of her very own special day down the aisle on her fairy tale wedding in her very own princess gown marrying the Prince Charming of her dreams. Now for the bride to be planning her nuptials with Mr. Let’s Hope He’s Right, there are plenty of dresses to choose from for her particular bridal preference. And there are even stores that sell them as well. Sure wedding dresses are expensive but if I were getting married, I’d choose one that makes me look elegant and tasteful, wouldn’t make me look like a laughing stock if my kids saw it in my wedding picture, wouldn’t make my friends and relatives question my fashion sense, and is at a decent price (like not taking half the budget). Now there are a lot of beautiful wedding dresses out there for any bride to be, but this isn’t the post for them because I’ve never been married and thus have no experience wedding dress shopping to tell you. However, when it comes to dresses brides shouldn’t wear, then I’m your girl and believe me, there some horrendously terrible wedding dresses out there. Some of them are skanky, some look too blown up, and some of them make you wonder what kind of acid the fashion designer was taking. But whatever the case, they make it to the internet so some blogger like me can compile a post on them in order to reverse her May long slump when she had a computer crash that put in a shop over the weekend. So without further adieu, I give you the kind of dresses you will never see on that famed TLC show as well as bound to turn any blushing bride into a ferocious Bridezilla. Some of these may not be safe for work by the way.

1. Now the bride is at the altar, I wonder how the groom is going to kiss her.

After the wedding, it’s said a dress like this is taken apart and repurposed for window drapery. Seriously, does this woman get hot from the waist down? I mean how is she going to have room in the limo or coach? Also, I think the white stuff behind it is a train.

2. In the future, it’s said that women will soon ditch the bridal veils for the intergalactic bridal dress cap during their intergalactic weddings.

Now this is the perfect wedding dress for the bride who wants her wedding on Mars or on the International Space Station. But of course, I’m not sure having a wedding in space is worth it.

3. While most women are married in a white gown, it doesn’t hurt if you go with multicolored trimmings.

Okay, now how does this woman manage to keep a straight face and not look ridiculous in this? For God’s sake the ruffles look like they’re straight out of the Tudor years. And I’m sure women in Queen Elizabeth’s day wore the kind of skirt as underwear.

4. Yes, nothing makes a wedding dress like great big sleeves.

Yeah, I’m sure big poofy sleeves on a wedding dress are so 16th century. What’s even worse about this dress is that it’s from the Sex and the City movie.

5. Origami styled wedding dress or dress inspired by large napkin holder?

Sure it might be roomy underneath. But I wouldn’t be caught dead in the type of dress that seems like it was designed from a paper accordion.

6. I’m sure after she gets out of this dress, she’ll be using it for curtains.

Yes, I suppose she saw it in the window and just had to have it. Still, I’m also sure that she’s not wearing a bra underneath.

7. Wedding dress or the Las Vegas showgirl outfit?

I’m sure this is the kind of wedding dress a young woman wears if her father’s the owner of a multibillion dollar Las Vegas casino. Yeah, I’m sure a lot of gambling addicts lost their life savings to pay for it.

8. When it comes to decorating your wedding veil, you can’t overdo it with the jewelry.

Still, I’m sure Celine Dion could totally afford looking like the White Witch of Narnia if she wants to. Of course, not sure if they played, “My Heart Will Go On,” at her wedding to a guy who’s old enough to be her father, no less.

9. You know what looks good on a wedding dress? Feathers!

Actually I stand corrected. If she had the feathers from her dress removed, she would’ve looked a thousand times better than some anime princess from a video game.

10. Sometimes less is more. But there are times when you need to cover up.

Let’s just say while beach weddings may seem romantic, getting married in your speedo isn’t. This is especially true for anyone over the age of 50.

11. While this bride has her face covered in a veil, the rest of her suggests otherwise.

Just love the look on her dad’s face as he walks her down the aisle. Yeah, I’m sure he told her time and time again to dress nice but she doesn’t seem to have listened to him one bit.

12. Not sure if she’s the bride or the stripper at the bachelor party. Maybe both.

I think this might be Mariah Carey on her wedding day. Not sure why she’s no wearing a skirt under her garters.

13. Sometimes a bride’s dress can really light up a room at her wedding.

I don’t know about you, but when I see a light up wedding dress, I tend to think of either the Hunger Games or TRON: Legacy for some reason. I don’t know why.

14. Sometime during the 1980s it became customary for some families to fashion the bride’s dress from either drapery or tablecloths.

I’m sure my grandparents decorate their windows with what she has on. Thank God, they didn’t have that tradition in their house. So my mom and my sisters didn’t have to wear outfits like that at their weddings.

15. Let’s see, by looking at the groom’s taste in fashion, I’m sure the wedding song is, “Springtime for Hitler” or something from Richard Wagner.

Okay, I know that Nazi uniform weddings are a thing in China, which is disturbing enough. Still, if I saw my fiance at the altar wearing one of these, I’d just run out of the church or just say, “I don’t.” Seriously, wearing Nazi uniforms at weddings is never a good idea. Nevertheless, I’d like to see what his Jewish bride thinks about this.

16. As soon as Glinda the Good Witch of the North boarded her carriage, her husband soon found himself suffocating just by the sheer girth of her dress.

Oh, yes, I’m sure with dresses like these, some grooms are bound to be crushed by them. Seriously, it takes an entire seating area.

17. While most wedding dresses use lace and veils, this one gives a new twist.

Okay, not only does this gown show way too much skin, it seems like the designer had absolutely no accounting for taste. Seriously, why would any girl want to be married in that? Seems like she’s on her way to some cult ritual at a hot spring resort.

18. Perhaps a more naturalistic approach is in order.

Okay, maybe the more naturalistic approach is a bad idea. Seriously, she looks like a garden vine fixture in that outfit.

19. Let’s see how they scramble as the stripper bride tosses her wedding bouquet.

Now this is known as the “Safe Auto” wedding dress since it’s bound to guarantee minimum coverage for minimum budgets. Wait, is that MTV in the background? Shit! Still, wonder how her grandchildren will react to this.

20. Of course, some people opt for fantasy weddings with their favorite woodland creatures.

Now this just looks like something I’ve seen in a bad 1980s fantasy film. And no, I don’t mean the one with David Bowie in tight leather pants. Still, loved the owl, which I’m sure is stuffed.

21. Because if you want your wedding dress to shimmer, you better use wires.

Oh, wait, this is Beyonce at the BET Awards in 2009. Okay, now I can totally understand why she wore her wedding dress like that. Still, I’m sure Jay-Z would never let Blue Ivy Carter wear that.

22. Sure most women only wear their wedding dresses once. Others also use them as tents, literally.

And this bride also seems to use her special dress as a lookout tower as she and her hubby go on their honeymoon. Still, camo wedding dresses, tent or not, need to go.

23. Of course, all girls wish to get married in a Cinderella dress. But an actual Disney Cinderella dress? Not so much.

Come to think of it, Cinderella wasn’t among my favorite Disney movies. I’m more a fan of Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin. Still, someone seems utterly stuck in their childhood. Wonder if her fiance has a shoe fetish?

24. Now this would make a great wedding decoration in the reception hall.

Wait a minute, is that a wedding dress? For God’s sake, I can’t even see the girl’s face! Seriously, how is the groom supposed to kiss her?

25. This is the wedding dress for the woman marrying the man of her dreams, if he happens to be the Michelin Tire Man.

Same goes if she’s bent on marrying the Stay Puft Marshmallow Guy. But I’m really not sure how that would work out since he’s a giant in Ghostbusters.

26. On wedding dresses, you can never have too many ribbons.

Okay, I was wrong. Still, this looks like something straight from Lolicon. I mean the Lolita inspired dresses fad that’s big in Japan for some reason.

27. Wedding dresses don’t always have to be white, but I’m not sure about this one.

Well, I’m sure if you’re planning a Hunger Games style wedding, this would be perfect. Reminds me of something Effie Trinket would wear. May the marriage odds be in your favor.

28. This dress will certainly bring the light in a really dark reception hall.

Okay, now this dress reminds me of TRON: Legacy. More appropriate if your reception hall is a disco club or a rave.

29. Nothing says wedding like a princess Barbie ballroom wedding gown from the 1980s.

Okay, unlike the Barbie movies might imply, a Barbie princess dress doesn’t hold up in real life, girls. Also, the guy doesn’t look any better.

30. “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you punk rocker and porn star.”

Now I’m sure their grandchildren will wonder what they were up to when they tied the knot. Seriously, there’s something so wrong about this picture. Like she’s a stripper and he’s a shirtless tourist in Vegas.

31. Well, at least she doesn’t have to change into something more comfortable on her wedding night.

I’m sure this is how Victoria’s Secret is trying to get in the wedding business. Wonder how that would work out. Seriously, while it might make a nice wedding nightie, not sure if I’d wear that down the aisle.

32. Sometimes unconventional can be your way to go.

To be fair, the bride is a sheep farmer. So it’s only natural for her to want a sheepskin dress. Yet, not sure if I’d want to wear a wool skirt at my wedding.

33. Now I’m sure a wedding could surely be livened up with balloons.

I don’t know about you. But I really feel tempted to stick a pin in it and see what happens. I’m sure wearing this you wouldn’t be able to sit down without hearing a few pops now and then.

34. Some couples just want to pledge their vows up in the air.

Fortunately, the brides extraordinary long train makes a dandy safety procedure in the event of an emergency. Of course, they might need to inflict some damage to tie it to a basket.

Fortunately, the brides extraordinary long train makes a dandy safety procedure in the event of an emergency. Of course, they might need to cut it off before tying it to the basket.

35. Okay, is this supposed to be wedding attire or a Victoria’s Secret photoshoot.

Seriously, I’m sure that getting married in a bikini is a very bad idea. Besides, Victoria’s Secret should never get into the wedding business.

36. Nothing says true love like a perky pink wedding dress with hearts.

Now this might not be as slutty as some other but she kind of looks like she takes the evening shift as a table dancer at the Kit Kat Club. Also, the pink is just hideous and akin to bridal wear in Vegas.

37. Nothing says wedding like a bridal gown of roses.

Let’s hope these aren’t real. But I’m not sure a rose wedding dress would be comfortable. Seriously, why?

38. I suppose this Muslim girl was determined to get married in her finest family drapery.

I’m sure part of the curtain rod is within her wedding crown piece. Still, I’ve seen nice Muslim style wedding dresses and some of them are quite nice. This one is beyond tacky. Still, kind of reminds me of what you’d see an Egyptian Pharaoh would wear in increment weather.

39. I suppose this wedding dress is more for the bedroom, I reckon.

Then again, she could just be the childish stripper hired for the bachelor party. Still, the ringlets don’t make this woman seem any more innocent.

40. Sure you might want to show some skin at your wedding, but you might want to remain tasteful as well.

Now this woman really seems to get her dress at the same place where you can get the Sexy French Maid or the Naughty Nurse costume. Also has a long train for some reason. Maybe she should’ve had a dress made from that.

41. Of course, everyone loves rainbows and weddings so why can’t the two be together?

While it’s supposed to be a wedding picture, I can’t help but see these two as possible leaders in a cult ritual. Seriously, I wouldn’t associate that kind of attire with weddings.

42. At times, there are brides who think swim wear would make appropriate wedding attire. I’m not so sure about that.

Not sure if I think this is skimpy because it’s short or that the bride isn’t wearing a bra. Either way, wouldn’t want to wear that for my wedding.

43. For those planning a winter wedding, may I suggest a bride should get a dress that’s trimmed with fur.

Unfortunately, this wedding dress has the fur trimmed the wrong way. Seriously, I’m not sure who’d hate this more: brides to be or PETA.

44. In the 1980s, when dress weren’t designed based on tablecloths and drapery, they ripped off from lampshades.

Yes, that skirt resembles the kind of frilly lampshade you’d either see in an antique shop or a little girl’s room. Not much a fan of the sleeves either.

45. Of course, when it comes to simplicity, just a plain old white dress will do.

Now I know that some brides need something old for their wedding day. But isn’t wearing your great-great grandmother’s wedding dress kind of pushing the envelope? Just saying.

46. Strut down the aisle like a pretty peacock in this peacock feather dress.

Wonder how many male birds had to die to make this dress. Also, it seems to have a very long train that covers most of the floor.

47. For a 4th of July wedding, a bride should always walk down the aisle showing her love for America as a patriotic princess.

Actually as per my American flag article, this is the kind of dress a patriotic princess shouldn’t wear to her wedding unless she’s marrying Captain America. Seriously, wearing the stars and stripes is said to be very disrespectful according to the flag code. But Americans can’t really help it. So, hello, Mrs. Captain America.

48. Don’t like wedding veils? Well, here’s a wedding hood.

I don’t know about you but as an American, I tend to associate white pointy hoods with a group known for burning crosses and lynching black people for some reason. I don’t know what. But I’d think she’d go with the Nazi groom quite nicely.

49. No bridal gown is complete without a couple of tentacles at the skirt.

Seriously, putting tentacles on a dress is a horrible idea that even the model can't hide her dismay. Seriously, no girl wants to be married in a dress that makes her look like an octopus!

Seriously, putting tentacles on a dress is a horrible idea that even the model can’t hide her dismay. I mean no girl wants to be married in a dress that makes her look like an octopus!

50. With wedding gowns, you can’t overdo the veil, especially in the 1980s.

Man, that veil reminds me of one of those shower puff balls you’d rub soap on for some reason. I’m not sure why.

51. While I see nothing wrong with brides showing some cleavage, there are times when some do go too far.

Now while this dress is more appropriate for a porno, exposed nipples are a wedding no-no. Also, she looks as if she’s prancing around in some old timey underwear.

52. If you can’t afford a veil, it doesn’t hurt to fashion one from a shower curtain.

Okay, now while this is certainly practical for a rainy day nuptial, it also seems more appropriate for either a 1980s sci-fi movie or a Lady Gaga music video.

53. Well, this is the bridal gown for the woman who has a board meeting after the ceremony.

Is it just me or does anyone think that bridal attire and business suits shouldn't go together? Seriously, is this woman being given away by her regional manager?

Is it just me or does anyone think that bridal attire and business suits shouldn’t go together? Is this woman being given away by her regional manager?

54. While some brides opt to be married in a church with a tall steeple, I’m not sure if a cathedral hat is a good idea.

While this is said to enhance her as some exotic princess in Eastern Europe, she more or less tends to remind me more of the Chrysler Building. That or a possible lady in waiting to the Queen of Hears from Alice in Wonderland.

55. Now this would be a perfect dress for any bride who’s a fan of The Tudors.

The dress may seem Elizabethan, but I’m sure the cap reminds me of what Queen Elizabeth probably wore in her later years while her wigs needed work done. Still, I’m sure this gown wouldn’t be very comfortable.

56. In the 1980s, it wasn’t unusual for women to sport big hair, big dresses, and big sleeves.

Yeah, I’m sure a dress like that took 3 hours to get in as well as 2 seats in a car. Also, probably gave a reason for the church to put on the air conditioner early.

57. Nothing makes a great wedding gown than a large big bow on the top of a veil.

With a veil like this, it would be amazing if this woman didn’t trip on it as she walks down the aisle. Anyway, still looks pretty ridiculous and more suited for mosquito bed netting.

58. With a dress like this, I’m sure the venue will certainly get Showtime during the reception.

However, I’m not sure this satellite TV style wedding dress would get any good reception among wedding guests. Still, more appropriate for a sci-fi film than anything else.

59. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Florence of Arabia.

Of course, I'm not sure a Lawrence of Arabia wedding theme would work because the movie has absolutely no female characters in it. But still, I can totally imagine Peter O' Toole wearing that thing, which is kind of disturbing in itself.

Of course, I’m not sure a Lawrence of Arabia themed straight wedding would work because the movie has absolutely no female characters in it. But still, I can totally imagine Peter O’ Toole wearing that thing, which is kind of disturbing in itself.

60. Of course, while the bride is suppose to be the center of attention, sometimes she tends to wear less than the groom.

Just because June corresponds with weddings and swimsuits, doesn’t mean you should combine the two. Seriously, a wedding bikini is a terrible idea.

61. When it comes to weddings, who needs a dress when the bride can have a floor length veil?

Now this kind of reminds me of a woman in a sci-fi film who’s entrenched in a full body bag she can walk in. Well, at least the veil would come in handy protecting her against mosquitoes during her wedding in sub Sahara Africa.

62. Screw wedding attire and get married in body paint clothes and swimwear covering your naughty bits. It’s said to be much cheaper.

Now I’m sure that people won’t know the difference between actual clothes and airbrush paint on one’s body. Oh, I forget it’s easily noticeable. Seriously, why?

63. Nothing says true love than wearing a wedding dress in support of your man’s favorite basketball team.

Let’s just say if there’s a place where sports licensed products shouldn’t have a place in, then weddings would be it. Still, at least the groom won’t feel that she’s not just thinking about herself here.

64. This woman’s wedding hat is so big that she has to get people to put sticks under it for support.

I wouldn’t advise any bride-to-be to have a dress like this since it’s totally not practical. Seriously, the hat is obviously way too big it has to be supported by 4 guys with long sticks.

65. Now if you’re marrying in a very cold place, this wedding dress will make you feel safe and warm.

For God's sake, this outfit makes her look like a giant tampon! Perhaps this dress is better suited as a Public Service mascot costume that helps teach girls about feminine hygiene than a wedding.

For God’s sake, this outfit makes her look like a giant walking tampon! Perhaps this dress is better suited as a Public Service mascot costume that helps teach girls about feminine hygiene than a wedding.

66. When it comes to a wedding gown, the train can never be too long.

Seems like this train is so long that it can be used to cover at least a dozen beds, perhaps as many as there are people holding it. Seriously, it’s way too long and probably had to be rolled out, too.

67. When choosing a wedding gown, brides should always make a selection that corresponds with their bra size.

From how I see it, the bride’s chest seems like it’s exploding with delight, to put it metaphorically. Then again if her husband’s a breast man, he probably won’t mind. Yeah, sometimes what’s off the rack doesn’t always measure to all dimensions.

68. This bride’s dress is so big that she’s probably making her trip down the aisle in a parade float.

O my God, why would think of getting a wedding dress with skirt that big? Then again, perhaps it will be used for the happy couple’s tent when they go on their honeymoon or something.

69. We’re pretty sure she’s marrying a guy who designs balloon animals.

Still, I’m sure in a dress like this, it would be very hard to sit down without ruining it. Still, doesn’t keep me from wanting to stick a pin in it.

70. Of course, if this marriage fails, I’m sure they’ll certainly lose the trailer.

This photo seems to have all the trappings of a shotgun wedding. I mean the bride is obviously pregnant but there’s nothing really objectionable about her dress. However, the groom’s only formal attire is a black vest and possibly a white collar and tie. And I suppose the plaid shirt and pants have seen better days. Seriously, a guy should look his best on his wedding day, not like he’s just marrying the girl to escape the wrath of daddy’s shotgun!

71. A short wedding dress is one thing, but I’m not sure about the snakeskin dress shirt.

Well, at least this groom has cleaned himself up a little. But still, the snakeskin dress shirt has got to go. People might get the wrong idea. Ditto, the suit coat with a black leather collar and cuffs.

72. Down the aisle a bride must learn to spread her wings and fly.

I don’t know about you but if I saw a bird like that, I’d wonder how it could ever survive a jet engine and still be able to fly. Nevertheless, there’s no way in hell I’d get married in that.

73. For all those rural redneck folks, nothing says wedding like getting married in camo and bright orange.

Let me say this and I want to be perfectly frank. Camo and bright orange are for hunting season and nothing else. It’s not for formal events. Not weddings, not proms, and certainly not funerals. Do I make myself clear? Still, at least the guy’s not wearing holes in his pants for once.

74. As the bride reaches the altar, the groom is supposed to lift the veil from her face. With a dress like this, I’m not sure how the groom is supposed to go about it.

For one, this looks the kind of wedding dress you’d see in a sci-fi movie. Secondly, that veil just looks hideous with the short dress. But I’m sure her face will be fine against the mosquitoes.

75. So if the groom wears black and the bride wears white? Can they be reversed?

Now I don’t have anything against the colors. However, it’s just that they seem to come out of some sort of some 1980s sci-fi horror fantasy film that makes me shudder. Seriously, the bride looks as if she’s from another planet. The groom looks as if he’s perhaps an illegitimate son of Lucius Malfoy.

76. For the bride who loves taxidermied doves in flight, this is the perfect bridal gown for you.

Of course, this beautiful wedding dress was inspired by the films of the legendary director Alfred Hitchcock, particularly The Birds. Of course, at least those birds in this picture are too dead to peck you to death.

77. When in doubt, go with flowers.

Oh, hell no! Seriously, having flowers on your wedding dress is fine. But walking down the aisle looking like a Victoria’s Secret model? Definitely not! I mean why?

78. On her wedding day, a bride must rise like a sun.

Don’t look now, but I think this is the kind of wedding dress you’d expect a Cardassian bride to wear, on Star Trek no less. Seriously, the wedding out of this world, literally.

79. Of course, a bridal gown should always have lace.

Okay, this might be going to far. Still, at least the groom at her wedding knows what he’s getting. Still, pretty sleazy.

80. On her wedding day, a bride must rise to the occasion like a phoenix.

But whether this is supposed to be a wedding gown or a very elaborate nightie, I don’t have the slightest idea. Seriously, it looks ridiculous if you ask me. You know most women wouldn’t wear a lot of these wedding fashions on the runway, which are used to justify a fashion designer’s existence.

Stupid Baby Stuff

Posted by historymaniacmegan on May 23, 2015

I may be a non-pregnant single woman who doesn’t have kids, but even I know that like pets, babies need certain things that the rest of us don’t. Yes, we know they’re a lot of work and hassle since they can’t do anything for themselves save maybe the standard bodily functions and crying for someone to meet their every whim. However, despite what the media may seem, babies don’t stay babies for long so there are plenty of ways for new or expectant parents to get all their baby needs without breaking the bank as much. Seriously, I can’t remember how many times I’ve seen baby stuff at yard sales. Nevertheless, as the oldest of 24 grandchildren, I’ve probably been around babies longer than a lot of people that I’ve lost count to how many baptisms I’ve been to growing up. Still, this doesn’t stop some enterprising person from inventing some baby stuff these little tykes really don’t need or want in that matter. Some baby things out there will not see much use like certain clothes whether by designers or not. Some baby things are just downright inappropriate or ridiculous. And other products just may traumatize the wee things. Then there are the baby products that would make some people wonder whether they should call Child Services on their parents. Of course, as long as the human race keeps reproducing, there will always be someone trying to cash in on it. So without further adieu, here is an assortment of products for babies that parents should probably stay away from.

1. Laugh and Learn Apptivity Case

I know future generations will need to learn to live with technology. But c’mon, do babies really need iPhones this badly? In fact, I’m sure nobody wants their babies learn cognitive skills by organizing their contacts folder.

2. The WhyCry Mini Cry Analyzer

Yes, I know babies cry a lot. But I’m sure it doesn’t take much for parents to know what their babies want without one, especially when it comes to diaper changes. Nevertheless, I suspect this is a scam or an annoying game of Simon for infants.

3. Gotta Go Mitts

Now I know this is for little kids. But still, wouldn’t it be better to teach them to clean their messes. Also, there are already products that keep kiddie hands clean. It’s called soap. You may have heard of it.

4. Heelarious Baby Heels

Oh, hell no! Seriously, now’s not the time to give baby Maddie a lifetime of foot problems or see a podiatrist before her time, especially when she’s barely learned to walk. Seriously, why does this product even exist?

5. The Baby Lasso

Yes, it may be hard to keep babies still for a diaper change. But still, what the hell is this thing even used for? Is the baby a piece of cattle?

6. Pee Pee Teepee

Now these are supposed to cover a baby boy’s junk during a diaper change in order to avoid any accidents. Of course, some baby boys might think it takes all the fun out of it. May only be useful about once or twice.

7. Poop Alarm

Now this device is designed to alert parents when the baby needs changing. However, there is a cheaper and more reliable device that already does this which doesn’t attach to a baby’s butt. It’s called the nose.

8. The Baby Flower Shower Visor

It’s said to help protect babies from getting soap and shampoo in their eyes. However, my question is how do you wash and rinse what’s under the cap? Also, the baby doesn’t seem happy in it.

9. Snail Vacuum Cleaner

The toy that combines the independence of riding free with the wind with the joys of housecleaning. I’m sure my mom would’ve wanted me to have one of these while I was a baby. Of course, I probably wouldn’t use it since I hate the noise of vacuum cleaners.

10. Baby Toupee

As to why anyone would want their babies to look like Donald Trump, I don’t have the slightest idea. Seriously, I’m sure the hair is as fake as the ugly mop Donald Trump has on his own head. And let’s just say, your baby is much less whiny and self-centered than he is.

11. The Tummy Tub

It’s basically a bucket that costs $45 that’s supposed to replicate the feeling of being in the womb. Nevertheless, if that does the trick, you should just hold on to your $45 and use a regular bucket, which comes with a handle.

12. The Grillz Pacifier

I’m sure Kanye West probably bought one of these for his daughter North. Nevertheless, I see a a lot of bad rap songs and crime in this child’s future, not to be stereotypical.

13. Baby Bangs

Just wait and their hair will come soon enough. That’s how it works. In the meantime, you don’t need me to tell you that these Baby Bangs look so ridiculous. Seriously, why does this even exist?

14. Baby Knee Pads

Because crawling babies have a chance to bust their knees while they’re on the mood and must need protection. This doesn’t account for the fact that ever since the dawn of time, most babies had to crawl without them and did just fine.

15. Baby Onesie Dust/Mop

Because if your baby can crawl, it can clean. Yeah, I’m sure your baby will be thrilled about that. Just wait until it needs a diaper change or slips on a hardwood floor and loses a tooth.

16. The Peekaru

For the Alien lover inside you. Sorry, but this seems like a choking hazard and a waste of money. Also, pretty creepy if you think about it.

17. J&D’s Bacon Flavored Baby Formula

Because it’s never too early to hop aboard the obesity train where all the stops consist of fat camp, body shaming, Type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and early death.

18. Crumb Cap

For those worried about a messy baby, then you shouldn’t even have a baby. Also, doubles as a scuba suit.

19. The Windi

This is a baby but plug supposed to help its gastrointestinal problems. However, I just see it as a big waste of money.

20. The Kickbee

This is a motion sensing belt that sends a tweet every time a kick is detected. Basically sets up your kid into being an annoying douche from inside the womb. Seriously, what does a fetus have to tweet about?

21. The Thudguard

Sure babies have softer heads than the rest of us. But still, I’m sure most of us have transitioned from infancy and toddlerhood just fine without the need for a stupid helmet like this. Seriously, kids get bumps and bruises all the time. The best we can do is make sure they’re more careful.

22. The Zaky Hand Pillow

Because nothing comforts your child more than a disembodied arm. Or in that case, gives parent’s nightmares. Luckily, the baby below just sees it as a toy.

23. NoseFrida the Snotsucker

Now I know a lot of people have snot coming out of their noses which is gross enough. However, sucking your baby’s snot with this thing is perhaps the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. Seriously, there’s a better way to clean your baby’s snot ridden face. It’s called a tissue or Kleenex.

24. The Bottle Holder

Is it so much effort just to hold a bottle to your child? Or do you have to get a contraption inspired by those beer holders we see at an NFL game? Also doubles as a baby paraglider.

25. The Crib Dribbler

Okay, this is just wrong. Seriously, cribs aren’t cages and babies aren’t pets. Also, while you’re at it, why don’t you just get a baby crib exercise wheel for your baby to run on? Fortunately, this isn’t a real product, just a prank box for a baby shower. Well, as far as we know.

26. The iPotty

With all the crap on Twitter and Facebook these days, it’s never too early to start trolling with this costing $499. Nevertheless, an iPad is probably not necessary for a potty training toddler. Still, does it come in adult size?

27. Baby Butt Fan

This is a fan that dries your baby’s butt. However, there’s a much cheaper alternative to this that only takes 10 seconds.

28. Baby Keeper

Because when mommy and daddy have their hands full, baby needs to be strung up and put against the wall. Guaranteed to traumatize the little tykes that they’ll need a diaper change every time they’re out of it.

29. Swimming Neck Ring

Otherwise known as, “My First Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Trainer.” Supposed to keep babies afloat. Seriously, this looks like it could suffocate them. I’m sure they have other baby floatation devices.

30. My Carry Potty

I hate to say this, but wouldn’t just be easier for your potty trained kid to just use a public toilet? Would make much better sense than having them carry their crap around with them. Disgusting.

31. Baby Bomb Shelter

For the crazy survivalist parent who believes that the apocalypse will soon be upon us. I’m sure this baby will totally use this thing. Not.

32. The Po-Knee

This device brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millennium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated. Parents, make sure the individual giving out pony rides is always wearing pants.

33. The Baby Bubadoo

Basically this is a baby straitjacket for the changing table.Seriously, why don’t you put on a baby Hannibal Lecter mask while you’re at it?

34. Baby Perfume

Sure babies tend to stink a lot since they pee and poo in their diapers. But this doesn’t mean you should buy perfume for them. Seriously, they’re too young for that.

35. Baby Bikini

Because it’s never too early to sexualize your little girl with swimwear. Seriously, why does this thing even exist?

36. Toe Blooms

Now these would be perfect for my cousin Ava’s very first trip to Las Vegas. Of course, this is assuming her parents are incredibly irresponsible people (which they’re not). Seriously, Vegas is a terrible place for babies. You’re better off taking them to Disney World.

37. Ashton Martin Stroller

For God’s sake, $3,000 is way too much for a baby stroller. Seriously, what kind of parent in their right mind would buy this thing?

38. Baby Flip Flops

Sorry, but if your baby can’t walk into a shower unsupervised, then it’s probably not the time to buy baby flip flops. Seriously, how do these things exist?

39. Clip-On Stroller Fan

Obviously designed by someone who’s never been around babies or small children. I mean that just looks like an accident waiting to happen.

40. Baby Cleats

Listen, if your baby isn’t walking, then it’s too early to get them to play soccer. Seriously, who the hell thinks babies can play soccer for God’s sake?

41. iPhone Teether

For one, it’s made from wood. Second, if you give your baby this, try telling your kid later that “phones are not toys.” Yeah, they’ll listen (sarcasm).

42. My Pee Pee Bottle

If your toddler has grown out of diapers then they should be potty trained to use a toilet. He or she should only pee in a bottle if there's no bathroom in sight, like everyone else.

If your toddler has grown out of diapers then they should be potty trained to use a toilet. He or she should only pee in a bottle if there’s no place to pee in sight, like everyone else. Also, if it’s a girl, I especially recommend the toilet, for obvious reasons.

43. Toddler Urinal

I’m sure there’s a better way to teach your son how to pee standing up than buying his own training urinal. It’s called the toilet and he could even use it to pee sitting down, too. Also, what’s wrong with teaching him how to pee sitting down first?

44. Juppy Baby Walking Aid

Sure babies must learn to walk sometime. But putting them in a harness 57 times a day just seems too much trouble than just having them hold your freaking hand.

45. Paper High Chair

I’m sure this is supposed to be “sustainable” but I’m just not buying it, especially since it seems disposable. Of course, there’s a better way to be sustainable with high chairs. Just buy one at a yard sale for God’s sake.

46. Walk Up Toddler Changing Table

If your toddler is old enough for this, then they’re probably old enough to use a toilet. Seriously, why does this even exist? Better stick with a potty seat.

47. Riding Potty Chair

I don’t think mixing bathroom time with playground time is a good idea. Seriously, I just hope this girl knows that you don’t take a dump on the playground equipment nor do you ride on the toilet.

48. Penguin Urinal

Now if you thought the toddler urinal was crazy enough, this one tells little boys to pee into their, “penguin friend.” Also, it’s said you can place this thing anywhere, even the living room. Which begs the question, why?

49. Potty Mitts

Public bathrooms may be gross but still, I’m not sure you want your kids growing up to be the next Howard Hughes. Seriously, nobody wears mitts going to the bathroom, save maybe Alaska.

50. Poop Scoop Bag

Now as someone who lives in the country, I think a poop scoop bag is ridiculous enough in its original use. But using one for babies? Seriously, we have diapers for a reason. Still, if you’re going to clean up from your kid like that, why don’t you just line the floor with newspapers or buy a pooper scooper?

51. Baby Dumbbell

Sure babies need their exercise. But some workout routines should be started later than others. Weightlifting probably falls among the later.

52. Woombie

This is supposed to be a cocoon like sack to get a baby to sleep and it’s stretchy enough for comfort and movement. However, it resembles something you’d see at the Ye Olde Insane Asylum.

53. Hula-Bye

Now this straps your baby onto a changing table so you won’t have a hard time cleaning up. Of course, my grandfather used to strap me onto a changing table in my infancy and it didn’t cost him $42. Still, this isn’t a medieval torture device.

54. Baby Stimulation Shirt for Adults

Yes, now parents can wear this shirt to stimulate their baby’s senses at the cost of the retail price and their dignity. Seriously, I’m sure plenty of parents just bought educational toys instead.

55. The Ritmo Advanced Pregnancy Sound System

I’m sure fetuses need a lot of things, but I’m not sure blasting music through the womb is one of them. Seriously, singing is cheaper and won’t cost $150.

56. Baby Tattoos

Of course, these aren’t real. But still, I’m sure grandma won’t be pleased assuming she’s not in a biker gang. Seriously, babies are too young for tattoos.

57. Beeni Baby Hat

Combine this with the Baby Bubadoo, and you’ve gotten a little Hannibal Lecter on your hands. Seriously, this is disturbing, not cute.

58. Thongies

Thong diapers? Why in the hell do these exist? Seriously, these aren’t just inappropriate but they probably aren’t as effective as regular diapers.

59. The Bite Counter

Basically this is designed to count bites. But I think it’s maximum embarrassment with minimum effort. From Japan, no less.

60. Baby Hjolster

Because in Texas, carrying a baby has to be like carrying a gun: from the hip. Seriously, why? It’s stupid.

61. The Boob Hat

Inspired by the mother’s breasts and the father’s NFL beer hat, this is supposed to feed an active baby or toddler without disrupting their lifestyles. However, has the unfortunate side effect of making your little one look like a complete idiot.

62. Colemom 1.5 Person Wearable Breastfeeding Tent

Good News: Will keep moms away from cops asking them to cover up while breastfeeding in public.
Bad News: Force moms to sacrifice their dignity upon feeding baby.

63. Mr. Milker Breastfeeding Vest for Men

Now I may be for gender equality and gay marriage as much as anyone, but I believe God created men and women as anatomically different for a reason. Seriously, the concept behind this is just very wrong. Besides, the idea that breastfeeding is the only way you can bond with your baby is just plain sexist.

64. The Baby Cage

Hey, stupid baby products aren’t just limited to the 21st century. When your grandparents were young, many of them were suspended over their family’s apartment windows with these. It’s a wonder how many of them managed to survive childhood without needing therapy.

65. Ice Skating Baby Holder

Another vintage baby product that makes the baby cage seem reasonable. Still, if mommy and daddy want to go ice skating, why can’t they just leave baby with a sitter or grandparents? Seriously, think about the baby’s safety here!

66. Bottle Sling

I don’t know about you, but this seems like an all around formula disaster waiting to happen. Seriously, why does this even exist?

67. Bathtub Divider

I’m sure plenty of parents bathed their babies just fine without one. Seriously, they have baby bathtubs available. Why can’t parents just use that?

68. Sun Smarties Swimwear

These suits are meant to protect babies and toddlers from sunburn. Still, sunscreen was invented like 100 years ago, so parents don’t have to dress their little ones at the beach with “My Very First Haz Mat Suit.” Yes, nothing says “fun in the sun” like a uranium leak that’s going to give your future grandchildren 3 heads.

69. Safety Trampoline

A kind of trampoline for your child minus the terrible injuries or fun. Seriously, if you kid thinks holding a bar while jumping repeatedly is fun, you might need to reconsider their sugar intake.

A kind of trampoline for your child minus the terrible injuries or fun. Seriously, if you kid thinks holding a bar while jumping repeatedly in place is fun, you might need to reconsider their sugar intake.

70. Time Out Pad

Now this is supposed to turn a common parental punishment into a fun game with sound effects and lights. Seriously, small children have no concept of time and time out isn’t supposed to be fun.

71. Lil’ Chompers

Just because babies are born without teeth, doesn’t mean you should buy dentures for them. The teeth will come before you know it, like in seven months. These just make your baby look freaky.

72. Nurse Me Tender

Just because you can’t breastfeed, doesn’t mean you should use this to feed your baby. Why else do we have baby formula or bottles? Seriously, why does this exist?

73. Toddler Tracker

Because toddlers tend to wander off, here’s a surveillance device in order to know where they are. Let’s hope it can’t be detached by kidnappers. Still, if you feel that your kid needs a tracker, what does it say about your parenting skills?

74. Wipe Warmer

I know these are supposed to keep wipes warm. However, a non-warm wipe will do just fine. So why waste your hard earned cash on this stupid thing?

75. Bling Binky

A diamond studded pacifier? For the love of God! Seriously, you can get a pacifier cheap at any store. So there’s no reason why parents should spend hundreds of dollars on a stupid binky.

76. Baby-Q Ribs

Just because your baby is teething doesn’t mean it’s time to teach them how to eat some baby back ribs. Seriously, BBQ ribs are for grown-ups.

77. The Nuroo Pocket Babywearing Shirt

This is supposed to make mothers look good as they have a baby down her shirt. However, to me, this just looks freaky.

78. Pacifier Wipes

You can easily wash pacifiers in the dishwasher or with soap and water. Like my parents did. So why to these even exist I’ll never know.

79. Baby Whirpool Spa

I’m sure this is as expensive as hell and totally unnecessary. Seriously, your baby can go without jetted water or a spa tub for that matter.

80. Formula Mixer

I’m sure there’s a cheaper gizmo that will mix baby formula just as well. You may have heard of it. It’s called a spoon.

Father’s Day Gifts Your Dad Doesn’t Want

Posted by historymaniacmegan on May 19, 2015

Me with my father and sister at my sister's high school graduation in 2011.

Me with my dad and sister at my sister’s high school graduation in June of 2011.

I know Father’s Day won’t be around for another month or two but it doesn’t hurt to plan early, assuming he’s still alive and you’re on good terms with him. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to think about buying something for the father of your kids, too, assuming that you know who he is and whether he’s a man deserving of such honor. Still, fathers aren’t as prized as mothers since they their biological contributions to their children doesn’t take as much time and investment as mothers, typically don’t take much investment in raising the kid, usually stop living with their children in divorce cases, tend to commit more crimes against their families as far as official records show, and in some cases aren’t called jerks if they tend to neglect their family for their career ambitions. Furthermore, the idea of American masculinity doesn’t seem to jive well with parenting at times, especially when it comes to being more nurturing. Not to mention, fathers can be portrayed as hopeless with housework or complete idiots. Nevertheless, the kind working fathers who stay with their families should receive paid paternity leave because even though they’re not popping out babies, they certainly could use a break for everything they do. And sure, while fathers are typically seen as providers and protectors, they also need to be seen as nurturers willing to do whatever it takes to make sure their kids become well-adjusted human beings. And other than moms, dads tend to have a big influence on their children’s lives whether they like it or not. Of course, like Mother’s Day it’s also seething with commercialism but not to the same degree, save maybe with the funny card department as well as with certain stores and departments that cater toward men. Now I can go on and on about great gifts you should bestow on your dear old dad. But since it will be boring, I’ll focus on stuff that will make your pops clutch at his heart upon revelation that you’ll have to call 911 to send him to a hospital. Now I’m not talking about “World’s Greatest Dad” mugs and what not. I’m talking about stuff that’s more unusual. So without further adieu, I give you an assortment of gifts that certainly not please your old man. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

1. Handyman Tool Belt Lounge Pants

Basically this is for the dad who would like to see himself as a handyman but is too busy being a couch potato. Also, the tools are fake and these are sweatpants. Best for watching reruns of This Old House.

2. Toilet Mug

Just because your dad enjoys toilet jokes doesn’t mean he wants to drink his coffee from one in the morning. Seriously, he’d totally wouldn’t want to be seen with this.

3. BBQ Big Boy

Even if your dad is Steven Raichlen of BBQ U and Primal Grill, this would make a very terrible Father's Day gift. Unless, of course, he's a grilling enthusiast currently in a fraternity. But even then, such a Father's Day gift would be awkward but for different reasons.

Even if your dad is Steven Raichlen of BBQ U and Primal Grill (as well as possibly the manliest cook on public television), this would make a very terrible Father’s Day gift. Unless, of course, he’s a grilling enthusiast currently in a fraternity. But even then, such a Father’s Day gift would be awkward but for different reasons.

4. 52 Things Kids Need from a Dad by Jay Payleitner

From Cosmo: “Add some real bite by tabbing individual pages that illustrate his fatherly shortcomings and make sure to annotate with specific examples from your childhood.” Still, you’re much better off giving him a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and rubbing it in your face that he’ll measure up to Atticus Finch.

5. Bill Cosby Sweater

For those who know what’s been going on with Bill Cosby lately, you can see why this is no longer a great gift idea. Seriously, in this day in age what was once seen as, “loveable dad” could immediately transform into, “serial rapist” very quickly.

6. Emergency Underwear Dispenser

Now your dad has an embarrassing place to put his equally embarrassing tidy whiteys. Also, if he gets upset, you can tell him the diaper dispenser was on back order.

7. Wiener Roasters

For the dad who loves to grill and possesses no sense of taste. Seriously, I’m not sure if my dad would want to be caught dead roasting hotdogs from these.

8. Eagle Claw Portable Potty

From Farm and Fleet: “Carrying a “potty” in your pocket is not a good idea no matter how clever they think it might be!” Yes, this is basically “Go Girl” for men.

9. Waxvac Ear Cleaner

There are more polite ways of telling your father that he’s losing his hearing. And I’m sure hearing loss isn’t always caused by wax buildup.

10. RELIANCE Luggable Loo Portable Camping Toilet

From Farm and Fleet: “Could you imagine dad lugging this into a movie theater on family movie night? It doesn’t matter if the movie theater adds claim “So comfortable, you’ll feel like you’re watching a movie in the comfort of your own home”.” Of course, he could just as well use the facilities already available at any venue anyway, campground or not.

11. Borat Mankini

If it looked bad on Borat, it will certainly look terrible on your dad. To quote my dad, just say, “no way in hell,” on this one.

12. The Slim & Lift Undershirt for Men

Otherwise known as “Spanx for Dudes.” Basically, this says, “take this gift to hide your fat” to your beer bellied old man even if he’s about 6 feet tall and weighs 180 pounds. Yeah, I’m sure your dad wouldn’t appreciate this.

13. Bedbug Sleeping Cocoon

Dad infested with bedbugs? Does he lay down with dogs and ends up with fleas? For $79, your dad will be safe from re-infesting himself even if he's an ireedemable slob who slums in bug infested beds.

Dad infested with bedbugs? Does he lay down with dogs and ends up with fleas? For $79, your dad will be safe from re-infesting himself even if he’s an irredeemable slob who slums in bug infested beds.

14. Beer Belly

Before getting this ask yourself these questions: 1. Does Dad have drinking problem?, 2. Is Dad very self-conscious about his waistline?, and 3. Will people find it awkward that Dad sips from a straw out of his shirt? Then again, this is probably a pretty bad idea.

15. Beer Belt

For dads who love beer and hate getting a refill. Can hold cans or bottles. Nevertheless, should you really be encouraging your dad to drink a circumference of beer? Certainly not, especially if he might have a drinking problem.

16. Cruzin Cooler

Does your dad hate walking but love cold beverages like beer? If so, with this your dad can enjoy a beer while cruising along at up to 10 miles on electric models. Of course, this will also lead your dad embarrassing you at sporting events as well as hunting and fishing trips. However, my dad would rather have a cooler he can load up in a trunk with groceries. I’m sure he wouldn’t get much use from this since I’m positive Aldi’s wouldn’t let him in with one.

17. Beer Soap

Now these come in scents like Stout, Black Ale, Porter, and Wild Lager. Nevertheless, would you want your dad emerge from the shower smelling like he’s just come out of a bar? Think about it.

18. Chest Hair Toupee

And I thought regular head toupees are stupid. If your dad sports a hairless chest, why don’t you just encourage him to embrace it? Seriously, why does this thing even exist?

19. Denim Underwear

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Maybe instead of the “Sex for Dummies” book you can spice up your love life with a pair of these…and why not? Men buy women lingerie all the time! Or maybe the father of your children likes to go commando in jeans. OR maybe you can’t afford a vasectomy and you’re tired of the man fathering children with you. These denim wonders are sperm killers fo’ sho!” Yeah, I’m sure those underpants would be a hit if he wore them to a gay bar, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Then again, I’m sure nobody would even want their gay dad in these.

20. TEMPTOOTH Do-It-Yourself Tooth Replacement

Just because there’s a DIY tooth replacement kit out there, doesn’t mean it’s a great gift for Father’s Day. In fact, any kit of DIY dentistry is a really bad idea. Still, Stu from The Hangover could’ve used one of these.

21. Swashbuckling BBQ Sword

Let’s face it, nobody wants to see a fencing match with BBQ implements. Seriously, sword + BBQ = potential for disaster.

22. Inflatable Unicorn Horn

To be fair, if it was stupid enough to get one for your cat, just imagine how stupid your dad will look in one of these. Still, sure to make him a hit at the retirement home.

23. The Daddle

For the dad who can give horsey rides and not give a shit about his dignity. Not appropriate for toddlers trained in the English Father Riding Method. So don’t use it for father jumping, father fox hunting, father polo, or daddy dressage.

24. Handerpants – Underpants for Your Hands

Because skidmarks aren’t just from your ass anymore. Still, underwear for your hands? I’m sure these are of the tidy whitey variety. As if tidy whiteys aren’t embarrassing enough for men to wear under their pants already.

25. Flair Hair Visors, Bandanas, and accessories

Of course, these come in a variety of different styles such as the Guy Fieri, the 1980s Lynyrd Skynyrd fan, the Biker, the Bedhead, and the Guy from Trailer Park. There are alot on their website, including one with dreadlocks (which I’m not kidding about by the way). Still, he’s probably better off without one.

26. Glam Rock Men’s Underwear

From France with just $59-$90, your dad can channel his old favorite glam rock musician by wearing what you might’ve found in David Bowie’s underwear drawer during his 1970s Ziggy Stardust phase. Yeah, I’m sure these will make any guy seem like a pinnacle of manliness (sarcasm).

27. Grill Sergeant Apron

This apron comes with room for all the grilling essentials such as grill tools, condiments, and beer cans. Because when your dad goes to grill, he needs to be prepared for anything. I’m sure this would make Steven Raichlen jealous.

28. Head Spa

Unless your dad likes head massages and looking somewhat of a human cyborg, you should probably not get him this. Seriously, this partial Robocop helmet would make him look utterly ridiculous.

29. Head and Eye Massager

With a $200 contribution to Skymall, you can help dad relax, unwind, and look like he’s ready to fight an intergalactic battle with this contraption! Of course, he’ll probably be disappointed that this isn’t a virtual reality headset and controller, especially if he’s Bill Gates.

30. Knight Sweatshirt

With just $225, this will make your dad as comfortable as he is brave as well as part of the King’s Guard. Will also make him look like an idiot at home as well as at your local Renaissance Fair or Game of Thrones convention.

31. Japanese Foam Women’s Legs Pillow

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Does the man in your life have separation anxiety? Whenever you’re away from him does he have trouble sleeping? If you can’t be there to put him to bed each night, I’ve found the next best thing!” Yeah, but if he’s your dad, you might want to think twice about buying this.

32. Kiss Hankie

Now this is the kind of gift that might end your parents’ marriage on Father’s Day, assuming that your dad isn’t “hiking the Appalachian Trail” that weekend (I’m talking to you former governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina who spent Father’s Day with a mistress in Argentina and didn’t tell anyone).

33. Kleen Stride Shoes Personal Debris Removal System

Because if he can walk, he can clean. Comes with attachable rake and plow, which are sold separately.

34. Shittens

Want your dad to be as sanitary as possible? Then these Shittens will bring the joy of hand cleaning his ass without all the crappy contamination. Great for changing diapers.

35. The Man Can

This include everything a man needs to go soft like Fisherman’s Hand Butter, Fisherman’s Scrub Soap, Spicy Shave Gel, Bay Rum After Shower Oil, and a body mitt. I mean a bath set is what you give your mom when you don’t know what else to buy her, so why not get one for your dad? Yeah, I’m sure he’ll really take to that (sarcasm).

36. Meggings

Leggings tend to walk a fine line between tights and pants, so why should women be the ones pushing boundaries of appropriate apparel? Great for hipster dads or any father who doesn’t give a flying fashion statement. Still, gives him the opportunity to channel male icons like David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, George Michael, Mick Jagger, Michael Jackson, and Elton John.

37. Play Mat Tee Shirt for Men

For $22, this shirt gives dad a back rub as well as fosters a bond between him and his children. Hope the kiddies aren’t playing with Legos, though.

38. Shakoolie

Showering can really get in the way of enjoying a cold beer. But with this shower beer holder, it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. Of course, let’s hope that soapy water doesn’t get in the beer though.

39. Reef Men’s Fanning Sandal

These sandals have a hidden bottle opener in the middle of the sole. So if you want to see your dad open a bottle with his shoe, you shouldn’t get this. Seriously, that’s gross.

40. Shouting Vase

For $66, you ill tempered dad can take out all his anger and frustrations while unintentionally entertaining your friends. Let’s hope they have these in toddler size.

41. World’s Greatest Dad Darth Vader T-Shirt

So this means that being a great dad basically means locking up your daughter for termination, blowing up her planet, freezing her boyfriend in carbonite for Jabba the Hutt via Boba Fett, cutting off your son’s hand, and asking him to join the family business or face death? I’m sorry, but if you think that Darth Vader is the World’s Greatest dad, your attitude toward parenting must squarely fall on the Dark Side.

42. A trip to Paradise Valley.

Now I’m sure that the guys at Paradise Valley said, “Dad” in the context of “father of your children” such as wives wanting to give their husbands something while somebody watching the kiddies. However, this ad really has a real creepy incest subtext that might remind you of either Greek tragedies or Game of Thrones. A perfect Father’s Day gift for Noah Cross.

43. A 3-Wheeled Riding Mower

Now this is the kind of gift that will basically telling Dad that the grass needs cut and he should really lose a few. Let’s just say, my dad is more likely to stick to his Cub Cadet.

44. Man Candles

These are scented candles for men that come in aromas like bacon,pizza, popcorn, sawdust, and farts. Still, even if my dad likes those smells, he’d hate this gift simple because he hates candles in general. They give him migraines.

45. Gold Man Home Urinal

From Huffington Post: “This product is supposed to prevent messy toilet seats, but you still have to wash it (which it recommends you do using the shower). Wouldn’t it be easier to just clean the regular toilet, or even pee in the shower? Yes. Yes it would.”

46. Potty Putter Golf Green

So this basically lets your dad practicing his hole in one while he’s doing a no. 2. Now walking in on your dad in the bathroom has just become a whole lot more awkward.

47. Mantyhose

If you thought Meggings were silly enough, you have Mantyhose, which are pantyhose for men. Of course, before these, Lord knows what kind of stockings transvestites used.

48. UroClub – Golf Club Urination Device

From Huffington Post: “We get that there are no bathrooms on a golf course, so relieving yourself can be a little complicated. But this? It’s a urine receptacle shaped like a golf club, complete with a “privacy shield” towel that’s really an unconvincing loin cloth. All of a sudden peeing behind a bush seems so much more sophisticated.”

49. Men’s Underwear Repair Kit

With this your dad won’t have to worry about wearing out his underwear again. You know what’s cheaper way to handle worn out underwear? Buying him a new pack of underwear.

50. Spray – On Hair

Dad worried about his growing bald spot? This spray on hair will do the trick. Spray it on and no one will know (yeah right). Nevertheless, this guy isn’t fooling anybody.

51. Men’s Brassiere

You know you’ve heard of this as either a “bro” or a “mansiere” from Seinfeld. Well, thanks to the Japanese, you can totally get one for your dad. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you should. Yeah, I’m not sure what the Japanese are on to come up with such products. Also, comes in pink.

52. Que Eau de Barbecue

Just because you love your dad and baby back ribs, doesn’t mean you should buy him barbecue scented cologne. I mean why would you want cologne that smells like you’ve just came from the grill? Seriously, who comes up with this shit?

53. Finger Nose Hair Trimmer

Now nose hair trimmers make horrible gifts for Father’s Day. But this one’s shaped like a finger which makes it even more disgusting. Yeah, I’m sure your dad will certainly appreciate this (not).

54. Laser Portrait Paperweight

Sure this might seem like a good idea at the time. But blasting a creepy laser portrait of yourself into a glass paperweight just adds insult to injury.

55. Breathalyzer Keychain

I’m sure giving your dad a breathalyzer keychain is a very subtle way to tell him that he has a drinking problem. Perhaps if your considering giving your dad this, it’s probably time for an intervention.

56. IGrow Laser Helmet

This is supposed to be a helmet that increases hair growth by shooting laser beams through the scalp and costs $695. Not sure if it works, but it will surely make your dad look ridiculous when he’s wearing it. Yeah, $695 is totally not worth it.

57. Leggy End Table

Good: Would make a fine addition for the Christmas Story Leg Lamp you bought him for Christmas.
Bad: Makes a very inappropriate living room decoration.

58. Tattoupees

Snazz up your dad’s chrome dome with an assortment of head tattoos. That will help him embrace his baldness.

59. Upright Sleeper

Dad always nodding off? Always waking up finding himself on a stranger’s shoulder or face down on the floor? Well, this Upright Sleeper is totally not the awkward way to sleep on the go (sarcasm).

60. Wearable Sleeping Bag

Want your dad to lay down whenever possible? Well, this will make him sleep like a baby, no matter where he is. Of course, it’ll also make him look utterly ridiculous in public. Yeah, you might have some explaining to do.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Category Archives: Just for Fun