I may not be married and have no boyfriend or fiance to make wedding plans with to speak of as of 2015, but I know that spring and summer tend to be high times for weddings around this time of year. So since my next opportunity for a holiday post is in July, I feel I might as well do some wedding posts since everyone tends to relate to those things. Of course, almost every young girl has dreamed of her very own special day down the aisle on her fairy tale wedding in her very own princess gown marrying the Prince Charming of her dreams. Now for the bride to be planning her nuptials with Mr. Let’s Hope He’s Right, there are plenty of dresses to choose from for her particular bridal preference. And there are even stores that sell them as well. Sure wedding dresses are expensive but if I were getting married, I’d choose one that makes me look elegant and tasteful, wouldn’t make me look like a laughing stock if my kids saw it in my wedding picture, wouldn’t make my friends and relatives question my fashion sense, and is at a decent price (like not taking half the budget). Now there are a lot of beautiful wedding dresses out there for any bride to be, but this isn’t the post for them because I’ve never been married and thus have no experience wedding dress shopping to tell you. However, when it comes to dresses brides shouldn’t wear, then I’m your girl and believe me, there some horrendously terrible wedding dresses out there. Some of them are skanky, some look too blown up, and some of them make you wonder what kind of acid the fashion designer was taking. But whatever the case, they make it to the internet so some blogger like me can compile a post on them in order to reverse her May long slump when she had a computer crash that put in a shop over the weekend. So without further adieu, I give you the kind of dresses you will never see on that famed TLC show as well as bound to turn any blushing bride into a ferocious Bridezilla. Some of these may not be safe for work by the way.
1. Now the bride is at the altar, I wonder how the groom is going to kiss her.
After the wedding, it’s said a dress like this is taken apart and repurposed for window drapery. Seriously, does this woman get hot from the waist down? I mean how is she going to have room in the limo or coach? Also, I think the white stuff behind it is a train.
2. In the future, it’s said that women will soon ditch the bridal veils for the intergalactic bridal dress cap during their intergalactic weddings.
Now this is the perfect wedding dress for the bride who wants her wedding on Mars or on the International Space Station. But of course, I’m not sure having a wedding in space is worth it.
3. While most women are married in a white gown, it doesn’t hurt if you go with multicolored trimmings.
Okay, now how does this woman manage to keep a straight face and not look ridiculous in this? For God’s sake the ruffles look like they’re straight out of the Tudor years. And I’m sure women in Queen Elizabeth’s day wore the kind of skirt as underwear.
4. Yes, nothing makes a wedding dress like great big sleeves.
Yeah, I’m sure big poofy sleeves on a wedding dress are so 16th century. What’s even worse about this dress is that it’s from the Sex and the City movie.
5. Origami styled wedding dress or dress inspired by large napkin holder?
Sure it might be roomy underneath. But I wouldn’t be caught dead in the type of dress that seems like it was designed from a paper accordion.
6. I’m sure after she gets out of this dress, she’ll be using it for curtains.
Yes, I suppose she saw it in the window and just had to have it. Still, I’m also sure that she’s not wearing a bra underneath.
7. Wedding dress or the Las Vegas showgirl outfit?
I’m sure this is the kind of wedding dress a young woman wears if her father’s the owner of a multibillion dollar Las Vegas casino. Yeah, I’m sure a lot of gambling addicts lost their life savings to pay for it.
8. When it comes to decorating your wedding veil, you can’t overdo it with the jewelry.
Still, I’m sure Celine Dion could totally afford looking like the White Witch of Narnia if she wants to. Of course, not sure if they played, “My Heart Will Go On,” at her wedding to a guy who’s old enough to be her father, no less.
9. You know what looks good on a wedding dress? Feathers!
Actually I stand corrected. If she had the feathers from her dress removed, she would’ve looked a thousand times better than some anime princess from a video game.
10. Sometimes less is more. But there are times when you need to cover up.
Let’s just say while beach weddings may seem romantic, getting married in your speedo isn’t. This is especially true for anyone over the age of 50.
11. While this bride has her face covered in a veil, the rest of her suggests otherwise.
Just love the look on her dad’s face as he walks her down the aisle. Yeah, I’m sure he told her time and time again to dress nice but she doesn’t seem to have listened to him one bit.
12. Not sure if she’s the bride or the stripper at the bachelor party. Maybe both.
I think this might be Mariah Carey on her wedding day. Not sure why she’s no wearing a skirt under her garters.
13. Sometimes a bride’s dress can really light up a room at her wedding.
I don’t know about you, but when I see a light up wedding dress, I tend to think of either the Hunger Games or TRON: Legacy for some reason. I don’t know why.
14. Sometime during the 1980s it became customary for some families to fashion the bride’s dress from either drapery or tablecloths.
I’m sure my grandparents decorate their windows with what she has on. Thank God, they didn’t have that tradition in their house. So my mom and my sisters didn’t have to wear outfits like that at their weddings.
15. Let’s see, by looking at the groom’s taste in fashion, I’m sure the wedding song is, “Springtime for Hitler” or something from Richard Wagner.
Okay, I know that Nazi uniform weddings are a thing in China, which is disturbing enough. Still, if I saw my fiance at the altar wearing one of these, I’d just run out of the church or just say, “I don’t.” Seriously, wearing Nazi uniforms at weddings is never a good idea. Nevertheless, I’d like to see what his Jewish bride thinks about this.
16. As soon as Glinda the Good Witch of the North boarded her carriage, her husband soon found himself suffocating just by the sheer girth of her dress.
Oh, yes, I’m sure with dresses like these, some grooms are bound to be crushed by them. Seriously, it takes an entire seating area.
17. While most wedding dresses use lace and veils, this one gives a new twist.
Okay, not only does this gown show way too much skin, it seems like the designer had absolutely no accounting for taste. Seriously, why would any girl want to be married in that? Seems like she’s on her way to some cult ritual at a hot spring resort.
18. Perhaps a more naturalistic approach is in order.
Okay, maybe the more naturalistic approach is a bad idea. Seriously, she looks like a garden vine fixture in that outfit.
19. Let’s see how they scramble as the stripper bride tosses her wedding bouquet.
Now this is known as the “Safe Auto” wedding dress since it’s bound to guarantee minimum coverage for minimum budgets. Wait, is that MTV in the background? Shit! Still, wonder how her grandchildren will react to this.
20. Of course, some people opt for fantasy weddings with their favorite woodland creatures.
Now this just looks like something I’ve seen in a bad 1980s fantasy film. And no, I don’t mean the one with David Bowie in tight leather pants. Still, loved the owl, which I’m sure is stuffed.
21. Because if you want your wedding dress to shimmer, you better use wires.
Oh, wait, this is Beyonce at the BET Awards in 2009. Okay, now I can totally understand why she wore her wedding dress like that. Still, I’m sure Jay-Z would never let Blue Ivy Carter wear that.
22. Sure most women only wear their wedding dresses once. Others also use them as tents, literally.
And this bride also seems to use her special dress as a lookout tower as she and her hubby go on their honeymoon. Still, camo wedding dresses, tent or not, need to go.
23. Of course, all girls wish to get married in a Cinderella dress. But an actual Disney Cinderella dress? Not so much.
Come to think of it, Cinderella wasn’t among my favorite Disney movies. I’m more a fan of Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin. Still, someone seems utterly stuck in their childhood. Wonder if her fiance has a shoe fetish?
24. Now this would make a great wedding decoration in the reception hall.
Wait a minute, is that a wedding dress? For God’s sake, I can’t even see the girl’s face! Seriously, how is the groom supposed to kiss her?
25. This is the wedding dress for the woman marrying the man of her dreams, if he happens to be the Michelin Tire Man.
Same goes if she’s bent on marrying the Stay Puft Marshmallow Guy. But I’m really not sure how that would work out since he’s a giant in Ghostbusters.
26. On wedding dresses, you can never have too many ribbons.
Okay, I was wrong. Still, this looks like something straight from Lolicon. I mean the Lolita inspired dresses fad that’s big in Japan for some reason.
27. Wedding dresses don’t always have to be white, but I’m not sure about this one.
Well, I’m sure if you’re planning a Hunger Games style wedding, this would be perfect. Reminds me of something Effie Trinket would wear. May the marriage odds be in your favor.
28. This dress will certainly bring the light in a really dark reception hall.
Okay, now this dress reminds me of TRON: Legacy. More appropriate if your reception hall is a disco club or a rave.
29. Nothing says wedding like a princess Barbie ballroom wedding gown from the 1980s.
Okay, unlike the Barbie movies might imply, a Barbie princess dress doesn’t hold up in real life, girls. Also, the guy doesn’t look any better.
30. “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you punk rocker and porn star.”
Now I’m sure their grandchildren will wonder what they were up to when they tied the knot. Seriously, there’s something so wrong about this picture. Like she’s a stripper and he’s a shirtless tourist in Vegas.
31. Well, at least she doesn’t have to change into something more comfortable on her wedding night.
I’m sure this is how Victoria’s Secret is trying to get in the wedding business. Wonder how that would work out. Seriously, while it might make a nice wedding nightie, not sure if I’d wear that down the aisle.
32. Sometimes unconventional can be your way to go.
To be fair, the bride is a sheep farmer. So it’s only natural for her to want a sheepskin dress. Yet, not sure if I’d want to wear a wool skirt at my wedding.
33. Now I’m sure a wedding could surely be livened up with balloons.
I don’t know about you. But I really feel tempted to stick a pin in it and see what happens. I’m sure wearing this you wouldn’t be able to sit down without hearing a few pops now and then.
34. Some couples just want to pledge their vows up in the air.
Fortunately, the brides extraordinary long train makes a dandy safety procedure in the event of an emergency. Of course, they might need to cut it off before tying it to the basket.
35. Okay, is this supposed to be wedding attire or a Victoria’s Secret photoshoot.
Seriously, I’m sure that getting married in a bikini is a very bad idea. Besides, Victoria’s Secret should never get into the wedding business.
36. Nothing says true love like a perky pink wedding dress with hearts.
Now this might not be as slutty as some other but she kind of looks like she takes the evening shift as a table dancer at the Kit Kat Club. Also, the pink is just hideous and akin to bridal wear in Vegas.
37. Nothing says wedding like a bridal gown of roses.
Let’s hope these aren’t real. But I’m not sure a rose wedding dress would be comfortable. Seriously, why?
38. I suppose this Muslim girl was determined to get married in her finest family drapery.
I’m sure part of the curtain rod is within her wedding crown piece. Still, I’ve seen nice Muslim style wedding dresses and some of them are quite nice. This one is beyond tacky. Still, kind of reminds me of what you’d see an Egyptian Pharaoh would wear in increment weather.
39. I suppose this wedding dress is more for the bedroom, I reckon.
Then again, she could just be the childish stripper hired for the bachelor party. Still, the ringlets don’t make this woman seem any more innocent.
40. Sure you might want to show some skin at your wedding, but you might want to remain tasteful as well.
Now this woman really seems to get her dress at the same place where you can get the Sexy French Maid or the Naughty Nurse costume. Also has a long train for some reason. Maybe she should’ve had a dress made from that.
41. Of course, everyone loves rainbows and weddings so why can’t the two be together?
While it’s supposed to be a wedding picture, I can’t help but see these two as possible leaders in a cult ritual. Seriously, I wouldn’t associate that kind of attire with weddings.
42. At times, there are brides who think swim wear would make appropriate wedding attire. I’m not so sure about that.
Not sure if I think this is skimpy because it’s short or that the bride isn’t wearing a bra. Either way, wouldn’t want to wear that for my wedding.
43. For those planning a winter wedding, may I suggest a bride should get a dress that’s trimmed with fur.
Unfortunately, this wedding dress has the fur trimmed the wrong way. Seriously, I’m not sure who’d hate this more: brides to be or PETA.
44. In the 1980s, when dress weren’t designed based on tablecloths and drapery, they ripped off from lampshades.
Yes, that skirt resembles the kind of frilly lampshade you’d either see in an antique shop or a little girl’s room. Not much a fan of the sleeves either.
45. Of course, when it comes to simplicity, just a plain old white dress will do.
Now I know that some brides need something old for their wedding day. But isn’t wearing your great-great grandmother’s wedding dress kind of pushing the envelope? Just saying.
46. Strut down the aisle like a pretty peacock in this peacock feather dress.
Wonder how many male birds had to die to make this dress. Also, it seems to have a very long train that covers most of the floor.
47. For a 4th of July wedding, a bride should always walk down the aisle showing her love for America as a patriotic princess.
Actually as per my American flag article, this is the kind of dress a patriotic princess shouldn’t wear to her wedding unless she’s marrying Captain America. Seriously, wearing the stars and stripes is said to be very disrespectful according to the flag code. But Americans can’t really help it. So, hello, Mrs. Captain America.
48. Don’t like wedding veils? Well, here’s a wedding hood.
I don’t know about you but as an American, I tend to associate white pointy hoods with a group known for burning crosses and lynching black people for some reason. I don’t know what. But I’d think she’d go with the Nazi groom quite nicely.
49. No bridal gown is complete without a couple of tentacles at the skirt.
Seriously, putting tentacles on a dress is a horrible idea that even the model can’t hide her dismay. I mean no girl wants to be married in a dress that makes her look like an octopus!
50. With wedding gowns, you can’t overdo the veil, especially in the 1980s.
Man, that veil reminds me of one of those shower puff balls you’d rub soap on for some reason. I’m not sure why.
51. While I see nothing wrong with brides showing some cleavage, there are times when some do go too far.
Now while this dress is more appropriate for a porno, exposed nipples are a wedding no-no. Also, she looks as if she’s prancing around in some old timey underwear.
52. If you can’t afford a veil, it doesn’t hurt to fashion one from a shower curtain.
Okay, now while this is certainly practical for a rainy day nuptial, it also seems more appropriate for either a 1980s sci-fi movie or a Lady Gaga music video.
53. Well, this is the bridal gown for the woman who has a board meeting after the ceremony.
Is it just me or does anyone think that bridal attire and business suits shouldn’t go together? Is this woman being given away by her regional manager?
54. While some brides opt to be married in a church with a tall steeple, I’m not sure if a cathedral hat is a good idea.
While this is said to enhance her as some exotic princess in Eastern Europe, she more or less tends to remind me more of the Chrysler Building. That or a possible lady in waiting to the Queen of Hears from Alice in Wonderland.
55. Now this would be a perfect dress for any bride who’s a fan of The Tudors.
The dress may seem Elizabethan, but I’m sure the cap reminds me of what Queen Elizabeth probably wore in her later years while her wigs needed work done. Still, I’m sure this gown wouldn’t be very comfortable.
56. In the 1980s, it wasn’t unusual for women to sport big hair, big dresses, and big sleeves.
Yeah, I’m sure a dress like that took 3 hours to get in as well as 2 seats in a car. Also, probably gave a reason for the church to put on the air conditioner early.
57. Nothing makes a great wedding gown than a large big bow on the top of a veil.
With a veil like this, it would be amazing if this woman didn’t trip on it as she walks down the aisle. Anyway, still looks pretty ridiculous and more suited for mosquito bed netting.
58. With a dress like this, I’m sure the venue will certainly get Showtime during the reception.
However, I’m not sure this satellite TV style wedding dress would get any good reception among wedding guests. Still, more appropriate for a sci-fi film than anything else.
59. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Florence of Arabia.
Of course, I’m not sure a Lawrence of Arabia themed straight wedding would work because the movie has absolutely no female characters in it. But still, I can totally imagine Peter O’ Toole wearing that thing, which is kind of disturbing in itself.
60. Of course, while the bride is suppose to be the center of attention, sometimes she tends to wear less than the groom.
Just because June corresponds with weddings and swimsuits, doesn’t mean you should combine the two. Seriously, a wedding bikini is a terrible idea.
61. When it comes to weddings, who needs a dress when the bride can have a floor length veil?
Now this kind of reminds me of a woman in a sci-fi film who’s entrenched in a full body bag she can walk in. Well, at least the veil would come in handy protecting her against mosquitoes during her wedding in sub Sahara Africa.
62. Screw wedding attire and get married in body paint clothes and swimwear covering your naughty bits. It’s said to be much cheaper.
Now I’m sure that people won’t know the difference between actual clothes and airbrush paint on one’s body. Oh, I forget it’s easily noticeable. Seriously, why?
63. Nothing says true love than wearing a wedding dress in support of your man’s favorite basketball team.
Let’s just say if there’s a place where sports licensed products shouldn’t have a place in, then weddings would be it. Still, at least the groom won’t feel that she’s not just thinking about herself here.
64. This woman’s wedding hat is so big that she has to get people to put sticks under it for support.
I wouldn’t advise any bride-to-be to have a dress like this since it’s totally not practical. Seriously, the hat is obviously way too big it has to be supported by 4 guys with long sticks.
65. Now if you’re marrying in a very cold place, this wedding dress will make you feel safe and warm.
For God’s sake, this outfit makes her look like a giant walking tampon! Perhaps this dress is better suited as a Public Service mascot costume that helps teach girls about feminine hygiene than a wedding.
66. When it comes to a wedding gown, the train can never be too long.
Seems like this train is so long that it can be used to cover at least a dozen beds, perhaps as many as there are people holding it. Seriously, it’s way too long and probably had to be rolled out, too.
67. When choosing a wedding gown, brides should always make a selection that corresponds with their bra size.
From how I see it, the bride’s chest seems like it’s exploding with delight, to put it metaphorically. Then again if her husband’s a breast man, he probably won’t mind. Yeah, sometimes what’s off the rack doesn’t always measure to all dimensions.
68. This bride’s dress is so big that she’s probably making her trip down the aisle in a parade float.
O my God, why would think of getting a wedding dress with skirt that big? Then again, perhaps it will be used for the happy couple’s tent when they go on their honeymoon or something.
69. We’re pretty sure she’s marrying a guy who designs balloon animals.
Still, I’m sure in a dress like this, it would be very hard to sit down without ruining it. Still, doesn’t keep me from wanting to stick a pin in it.
70. Of course, if this marriage fails, I’m sure they’ll certainly lose the trailer.
This photo seems to have all the trappings of a shotgun wedding. I mean the bride is obviously pregnant but there’s nothing really objectionable about her dress. However, the groom’s only formal attire is a black vest and possibly a white collar and tie. And I suppose the plaid shirt and pants have seen better days. Seriously, a guy should look his best on his wedding day, not like he’s just marrying the girl to escape the wrath of daddy’s shotgun!
71. A short wedding dress is one thing, but I’m not sure about the snakeskin dress shirt.
Well, at least this groom has cleaned himself up a little. But still, the snakeskin dress shirt has got to go. People might get the wrong idea. Ditto, the suit coat with a black leather collar and cuffs.
72. Down the aisle a bride must learn to spread her wings and fly.
I don’t know about you but if I saw a bird like that, I’d wonder how it could ever survive a jet engine and still be able to fly. Nevertheless, there’s no way in hell I’d get married in that.
73. For all those rural redneck folks, nothing says wedding like getting married in camo and bright orange.
Let me say this and I want to be perfectly frank. Camo and bright orange are for hunting season and nothing else. It’s not for formal events. Not weddings, not proms, and certainly not funerals. Do I make myself clear? Still, at least the guy’s not wearing holes in his pants for once.
74. As the bride reaches the altar, the groom is supposed to lift the veil from her face. With a dress like this, I’m not sure how the groom is supposed to go about it.
For one, this looks the kind of wedding dress you’d see in a sci-fi movie. Secondly, that veil just looks hideous with the short dress. But I’m sure her face will be fine against the mosquitoes.
75. So if the groom wears black and the bride wears white? Can they be reversed?
Now I don’t have anything against the colors. However, it’s just that they seem to come out of some sort of some 1980s sci-fi horror fantasy film that makes me shudder. Seriously, the bride looks as if she’s from another planet. The groom looks as if he’s perhaps an illegitimate son of Lucius Malfoy.
76. For the bride who loves taxidermied doves in flight, this is the perfect bridal gown for you.
Of course, this beautiful wedding dress was inspired by the films of the legendary director Alfred Hitchcock, particularly The Birds. Of course, at least those birds in this picture are too dead to peck you to death.
77. When in doubt, go with flowers.
Oh, hell no! Seriously, having flowers on your wedding dress is fine. But walking down the aisle looking like a Victoria’s Secret model? Definitely not! I mean why?
78. On her wedding day, a bride must rise like a sun.
Don’t look now, but I think this is the kind of wedding dress you’d expect a Cardassian bride to wear, on Star Trek no less. Seriously, the wedding out of this world, literally.
79. Of course, a bridal gown should always have lace.
Okay, this might be going to far. Still, at least the groom at her wedding knows what he’s getting. Still, pretty sleazy.
80. On her wedding day, a bride must rise to the occasion like a phoenix.
But whether this is supposed to be a wedding gown or a very elaborate nightie, I don’t have the slightest idea. Seriously, it looks ridiculous if you ask me. You know most women wouldn’t wear a lot of these wedding fashions on the runway, which are used to justify a fashion designer’s existence.