Me with my dad and sister at my sister’s high school graduation in June of 2011.
I know Father’s Day won’t be around for another month or two but it doesn’t hurt to plan early, assuming he’s still alive and you’re on good terms with him. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to think about buying something for the father of your kids, too, assuming that you know who he is and whether he’s a man deserving of such honor. Still, fathers aren’t as prized as mothers since they their biological contributions to their children doesn’t take as much time and investment as mothers, typically don’t take much investment in raising the kid, usually stop living with their children in divorce cases, tend to commit more crimes against their families as far as official records show, and in some cases aren’t called jerks if they tend to neglect their family for their career ambitions. Furthermore, the idea of American masculinity doesn’t seem to jive well with parenting at times, especially when it comes to being more nurturing. Not to mention, fathers can be portrayed as hopeless with housework or complete idiots. Nevertheless, the kind working fathers who stay with their families should receive paid paternity leave because even though they’re not popping out babies, they certainly could use a break for everything they do. And sure, while fathers are typically seen as providers and protectors, they also need to be seen as nurturers willing to do whatever it takes to make sure their kids become well-adjusted human beings. And other than moms, dads tend to have a big influence on their children’s lives whether they like it or not. Of course, like Mother’s Day it’s also seething with commercialism but not to the same degree, save maybe with the funny card department as well as with certain stores and departments that cater toward men. Now I can go on and on about great gifts you should bestow on your dear old dad. But since it will be boring, I’ll focus on stuff that will make your pops clutch at his heart upon revelation that you’ll have to call 911 to send him to a hospital. Now I’m not talking about “World’s Greatest Dad” mugs and what not. I’m talking about stuff that’s more unusual. So without further adieu, I give you an assortment of gifts that certainly not please your old man. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.
1. Handyman Tool Belt Lounge Pants
Basically this is for the dad who would like to see himself as a handyman but is too busy being a couch potato. Also, the tools are fake and these are sweatpants. Best for watching reruns of This Old House.
2. Toilet Mug
Just because your dad enjoys toilet jokes doesn’t mean he wants to drink his coffee from one in the morning. Seriously, he’d totally wouldn’t want to be seen with this.
3. BBQ Big Boy
Even if your dad is Steven Raichlen of BBQ U and Primal Grill (as well as possibly the manliest cook on public television), this would make a very terrible Father’s Day gift. Unless, of course, he’s a grilling enthusiast currently in a fraternity. But even then, such a Father’s Day gift would be awkward but for different reasons.
4. 52 Things Kids Need from a Dad by Jay Payleitner
From Cosmo: “Add some real bite by tabbing individual pages that illustrate his fatherly shortcomings and make sure to annotate with specific examples from your childhood.” Still, you’re much better off giving him a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and rubbing it in your face that he’ll measure up to Atticus Finch.
5. Bill Cosby Sweater
For those who know what’s been going on with Bill Cosby lately, you can see why this is no longer a great gift idea. Seriously, in this day in age what was once seen as, “loveable dad” could immediately transform into, “serial rapist” very quickly.
6. Emergency Underwear Dispenser
Now your dad has an embarrassing place to put his equally embarrassing tidy whiteys. Also, if he gets upset, you can tell him the diaper dispenser was on back order.
7. Wiener Roasters
For the dad who loves to grill and possesses no sense of taste. Seriously, I’m not sure if my dad would want to be caught dead roasting hotdogs from these.
8. Eagle Claw Portable Potty
From Farm and Fleet: “Carrying a “potty” in your pocket is not a good idea no matter how clever they think it might be!” Yes, this is basically “Go Girl” for men.
9. Waxvac Ear Cleaner
There are more polite ways of telling your father that he’s losing his hearing. And I’m sure hearing loss isn’t always caused by wax buildup.
10. RELIANCE Luggable Loo Portable Camping Toilet
From Farm and Fleet: “Could you imagine dad lugging this into a movie theater on family movie night? It doesn’t matter if the movie theater adds claim “So comfortable, you’ll feel like you’re watching a movie in the comfort of your own home”.” Of course, he could just as well use the facilities already available at any venue anyway, campground or not.
11. Borat Mankini
If it looked bad on Borat, it will certainly look terrible on your dad. To quote my dad, just say, “no way in hell,” on this one.
12. The Slim & Lift Undershirt for Men
Otherwise known as “Spanx for Dudes.” Basically, this says, “take this gift to hide your fat” to your beer bellied old man even if he’s about 6 feet tall and weighs 180 pounds. Yeah, I’m sure your dad wouldn’t appreciate this.
13. Bedbug Sleeping Cocoon
Dad infested with bedbugs? Does he lay down with dogs and ends up with fleas? For $79, your dad will be safe from re-infesting himself even if he’s an irredeemable slob who slums in bug infested beds.
14. Beer Belly
Before getting this ask yourself these questions: 1. Does Dad have drinking problem?, 2. Is Dad very self-conscious about his waistline?, and 3. Will people find it awkward that Dad sips from a straw out of his shirt? Then again, this is probably a pretty bad idea.
15. Beer Belt
For dads who love beer and hate getting a refill. Can hold cans or bottles. Nevertheless, should you really be encouraging your dad to drink a circumference of beer? Certainly not, especially if he might have a drinking problem.
16. Cruzin Cooler
Does your dad hate walking but love cold beverages like beer? If so, with this your dad can enjoy a beer while cruising along at up to 10 miles on electric models. Of course, this will also lead your dad embarrassing you at sporting events as well as hunting and fishing trips. However, my dad would rather have a cooler he can load up in a trunk with groceries. I’m sure he wouldn’t get much use from this since I’m positive Aldi’s wouldn’t let him in with one.
17. Beer Soap
Now these come in scents like Stout, Black Ale, Porter, and Wild Lager. Nevertheless, would you want your dad emerge from the shower smelling like he’s just come out of a bar? Think about it.
18. Chest Hair Toupee
And I thought regular head toupees are stupid. If your dad sports a hairless chest, why don’t you just encourage him to embrace it? Seriously, why does this thing even exist?
19. Denim Underwear
From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Maybe instead of the “Sex for Dummies” book you can spice up your love life with a pair of these…and why not? Men buy women lingerie all the time! Or maybe the father of your children likes to go commando in jeans. OR maybe you can’t afford a vasectomy and you’re tired of the man fathering children with you. These denim wonders are sperm killers fo’ sho!” Yeah, I’m sure those underpants would be a hit if he wore them to a gay bar, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Then again, I’m sure nobody would even want their gay dad in these.
20. TEMPTOOTH Do-It-Yourself Tooth Replacement
Just because there’s a DIY tooth replacement kit out there, doesn’t mean it’s a great gift for Father’s Day. In fact, any kit of DIY dentistry is a really bad idea. Still, Stu from The Hangover could’ve used one of these.
21. Swashbuckling BBQ Sword
Let’s face it, nobody wants to see a fencing match with BBQ implements. Seriously, sword + BBQ = potential for disaster.
22. Inflatable Unicorn Horn
To be fair, if it was stupid enough to get one for your cat, just imagine how stupid your dad will look in one of these. Still, sure to make him a hit at the retirement home.
23. The Daddle
For the dad who can give horsey rides and not give a shit about his dignity. Not appropriate for toddlers trained in the English Father Riding Method. So don’t use it for father jumping, father fox hunting, father polo, or daddy dressage.
24. Handerpants – Underpants for Your Hands
Because skidmarks aren’t just from your ass anymore. Still, underwear for your hands? I’m sure these are of the tidy whitey variety. As if tidy whiteys aren’t embarrassing enough for men to wear under their pants already.
25. Flair Hair Visors, Bandanas, and accessories
Of course, these come in a variety of different styles such as the Guy Fieri, the 1980s Lynyrd Skynyrd fan, the Biker, the Bedhead, and the Guy from Trailer Park. There are alot on their website, including one with dreadlocks (which I’m not kidding about by the way). Still, he’s probably better off without one.
26. Glam Rock Men’s Underwear
From France with just $59-$90, your dad can channel his old favorite glam rock musician by wearing what you might’ve found in David Bowie’s underwear drawer during his 1970s Ziggy Stardust phase. Yeah, I’m sure these will make any guy seem like a pinnacle of manliness (sarcasm).
27. Grill Sergeant Apron
This apron comes with room for all the grilling essentials such as grill tools, condiments, and beer cans. Because when your dad goes to grill, he needs to be prepared for anything. I’m sure this would make Steven Raichlen jealous.
28. Head Spa
Unless your dad likes head massages and looking somewhat of a human cyborg, you should probably not get him this. Seriously, this partial Robocop helmet would make him look utterly ridiculous.
29. Head and Eye Massager
With a $200 contribution to Skymall, you can help dad relax, unwind, and look like he’s ready to fight an intergalactic battle with this contraption! Of course, he’ll probably be disappointed that this isn’t a virtual reality headset and controller, especially if he’s Bill Gates.
30. Knight Sweatshirt
With just $225, this will make your dad as comfortable as he is brave as well as part of the King’s Guard. Will also make him look like an idiot at home as well as at your local Renaissance Fair or Game of Thrones convention.
31. Japanese Foam Women’s Legs Pillow
From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Does the man in your life have separation anxiety? Whenever you’re away from him does he have trouble sleeping? If you can’t be there to put him to bed each night, I’ve found the next best thing!” Yeah, but if he’s your dad, you might want to think twice about buying this.
32. Kiss Hankie
Now this is the kind of gift that might end your parents’ marriage on Father’s Day, assuming that your dad isn’t “hiking the Appalachian Trail” that weekend (I’m talking to you former governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina who spent Father’s Day with a mistress in Argentina and didn’t tell anyone).
33. Kleen Stride Shoes Personal Debris Removal System
Because if he can walk, he can clean. Comes with attachable rake and plow, which are sold separately.
Want your dad to be as sanitary as possible? Then these Shittens will bring the joy of hand cleaning his ass without all the crappy contamination. Great for changing diapers.
35. The Man Can
This include everything a man needs to go soft like Fisherman’s Hand Butter, Fisherman’s Scrub Soap, Spicy Shave Gel, Bay Rum After Shower Oil, and a body mitt. I mean a bath set is what you give your mom when you don’t know what else to buy her, so why not get one for your dad? Yeah, I’m sure he’ll really take to that (sarcasm).
Leggings tend to walk a fine line between tights and pants, so why should women be the ones pushing boundaries of appropriate apparel? Great for hipster dads or any father who doesn’t give a flying fashion statement. Still, gives him the opportunity to channel male icons like David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, George Michael, Mick Jagger, Michael Jackson, and Elton John.
37. Play Mat Tee Shirt for Men
For $22, this shirt gives dad a back rub as well as fosters a bond between him and his children. Hope the kiddies aren’t playing with Legos, though.
Showering can really get in the way of enjoying a cold beer. But with this shower beer holder, it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. Of course, let’s hope that soapy water doesn’t get in the beer though.
39. Reef Men’s Fanning Sandal
These sandals have a hidden bottle opener in the middle of the sole. So if you want to see your dad open a bottle with his shoe, you shouldn’t get this. Seriously, that’s gross.
40. Shouting Vase
For $66, you ill tempered dad can take out all his anger and frustrations while unintentionally entertaining your friends. Let’s hope they have these in toddler size.
41. World’s Greatest Dad Darth Vader T-Shirt
So this means that being a great dad basically means locking up your daughter for termination, blowing up her planet, freezing her boyfriend in carbonite for Jabba the Hutt via Boba Fett, cutting off your son’s hand, and asking him to join the family business or face death? I’m sorry, but if you think that Darth Vader is the World’s Greatest dad, your attitude toward parenting must squarely fall on the Dark Side.
42. A trip to Paradise Valley.
Now I’m sure that the guys at Paradise Valley said, “Dad” in the context of “father of your children” such as wives wanting to give their husbands something while somebody watching the kiddies. However, this ad really has a real creepy incest subtext that might remind you of either Greek tragedies or Game of Thrones. A perfect Father’s Day gift for Noah Cross.
43. A 3-Wheeled Riding Mower
Now this is the kind of gift that will basically telling Dad that the grass needs cut and he should really lose a few. Let’s just say, my dad is more likely to stick to his Cub Cadet.
44. Man Candles
These are scented candles for men that come in aromas like bacon,pizza, popcorn, sawdust, and farts. Still, even if my dad likes those smells, he’d hate this gift simple because he hates candles in general. They give him migraines.
45. Gold Man Home Urinal
From Huffington Post: “This product is supposed to prevent messy toilet seats, but you still have to wash it (which it recommends you do using the shower). Wouldn’t it be easier to just clean the regular toilet, or even pee in the shower? Yes. Yes it would.”
46. Potty Putter Golf Green
So this basically lets your dad practicing his hole in one while he’s doing a no. 2. Now walking in on your dad in the bathroom has just become a whole lot more awkward.
If you thought Meggings were silly enough, you have Mantyhose, which are pantyhose for men. Of course, before these, Lord knows what kind of stockings transvestites used.
48. UroClub – Golf Club Urination Device
From Huffington Post: “We get that there are no bathrooms on a golf course, so relieving yourself can be a little complicated. But this? It’s a urine receptacle shaped like a golf club, complete with a “privacy shield” towel that’s really an unconvincing loin cloth. All of a sudden peeing behind a bush seems so much more sophisticated.”
49. Men’s Underwear Repair Kit
With this your dad won’t have to worry about wearing out his underwear again. You know what’s cheaper way to handle worn out underwear? Buying him a new pack of underwear.
50. Spray – On Hair
Dad worried about his growing bald spot? This spray on hair will do the trick. Spray it on and no one will know (yeah right). Nevertheless, this guy isn’t fooling anybody.
51. Men’s Brassiere
You know you’ve heard of this as either a “bro” or a “mansiere” from Seinfeld. Well, thanks to the Japanese, you can totally get one for your dad. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you should. Yeah, I’m not sure what the Japanese are on to come up with such products. Also, comes in pink.
52. Que Eau de Barbecue
Just because you love your dad and baby back ribs, doesn’t mean you should buy him barbecue scented cologne. I mean why would you want cologne that smells like you’ve just came from the grill? Seriously, who comes up with this shit?
53. Finger Nose Hair Trimmer
Now nose hair trimmers make horrible gifts for Father’s Day. But this one’s shaped like a finger which makes it even more disgusting. Yeah, I’m sure your dad will certainly appreciate this (not).
54. Laser Portrait Paperweight
Sure this might seem like a good idea at the time. But blasting a creepy laser portrait of yourself into a glass paperweight just adds insult to injury.
55. Breathalyzer Keychain
I’m sure giving your dad a breathalyzer keychain is a very subtle way to tell him that he has a drinking problem. Perhaps if your considering giving your dad this, it’s probably time for an intervention.
56. IGrow Laser Helmet
This is supposed to be a helmet that increases hair growth by shooting laser beams through the scalp and costs $695. Not sure if it works, but it will surely make your dad look ridiculous when he’s wearing it. Yeah, $695 is totally not worth it.
57. Leggy End Table
Good: Would make a fine addition for the Christmas Story Leg Lamp you bought him for Christmas.
Bad: Makes a very inappropriate living room decoration.
Snazz up your dad’s chrome dome with an assortment of head tattoos. That will help him embrace his baldness.
59. Upright Sleeper
Dad always nodding off? Always waking up finding himself on a stranger’s shoulder or face down on the floor? Well, this Upright Sleeper is totally not the awkward way to sleep on the go (sarcasm).
60. Wearable Sleeping Bag
Want your dad to lay down whenever possible? Well, this will make him sleep like a baby, no matter where he is. Of course, it’ll also make him look utterly ridiculous in public. Yeah, you might have some explaining to do.