The Geography of Game of Thrones: Part 7 – The Riverlands

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A fertile heartland region of Westeros, the Riverlands is a frequent scene in Game of Thrones. Mostly because it’s a frequent battle setting in the civil wars afflicting the Seven Kingdoms along with the wars that took place between old nations on the continent before the Targaryen Conquest. As a borderland region between the strong kingdoms, it was once ruled by the Ironborn House Hoare and the Storm Kings at one point. As of Season 7, the region is currently in anarchy after the Red Wedding and the Frey assassinations. During the War of the Five Kings, it pledged allegiance to Robb Stark as King of the North but Roose Bolton and Walder Frey betrayed him at the Red Wedding. Since Arya Stark assassinated the Freys, its political situation remains ambiguous.

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Location: Along the Trident River and borders every region of Westeros but Dorne. It’s close to the center of the continent.

Size: It’s of considerable size.

Capital: Riverrun (Though the Freys ran the Riverlands from the Twins).

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Climate: It’s a mostly temperate region with warm summers and moderately cold winters. Experiences moderate rainfall.

Environment: Dominated by the Trident River and its numerous tributaries, creating a major watershed in Westeros.

Resources: A bountiful region for agriculture. But with the War of the Five Kings and being a general battlefield venue, the landscape can descend into a desiccated wasteland. Though its vast size, significant population, and fertility has made it able to recover from all the wars fought there.

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Population: This is one of the most populous regions in Westeros.

Key Cities: Principal port cities are Seagard, Saltpans, and Maidenpool. Other notable towns include Stoney Sept, Penny Tree, Mummer’s Ford, Wendish Town, Fairmarket.
Culture: Noble bastards take the surname Rivers. Practice Viking funerals.
Religion: Worship the Faith of the Seven.

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Great House: Formerly House Tully, but their rule ended with the Red Wedding when Lord Edmure was taken prisoner after consummating his marriage while his sister Lady Catelyn and her family were killed by Walder Frey. Lord Edmure was later stripped of his land and titles. House Frey then took the region over until Arya Stark assassinated Lord Walder and the male members of his family in a plot of revenge. As of Season 7, the Lannisters have pretty much taken this place over.

Vassal Houses: House Frey (extinct), House Whent, House Mallister, House Bracken, House Mooton, House Blackwood, and House Smallwood.

History: Once known as the Kingdom of the Rivers and the Hills during the First Men, the Riverlands were conquered by the Stormlands who ruled for 200 years before the land was overrun by the Ironborn a century before Aegon the Conqueror’s invasion. Under the rule of House Tully, they assisted the first Targaryen king in a separate uprising.

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Current Status: As of Season 7, the Riverlands are currently in anarchy after Arya Stark assassinated the male Freys at the Twins over the Red Wedding. Though a Lannister host has been deployed to try to keep the peace after Ser Brynden “the Blackfish” Tully and many river lords managed to retake Riverrun. The Lannisters responded with a siege.
Best Known for: The Riverlands is the networking region connecting all the major kingdoms. So it’s common for travelers to have surprising chance random encounters. On the flip side, due to lack of natural geographical defenses and a center location, the Riverlands ends up involved in most Westerosi conflicts and are dragged into wars they don’t cause, resulting in their turf becoming a major battlefield. So House Tully had to broker marriage alliances to ensure peace with their rivals.

Home of: Pot Pie, Catelyn Tully, Lysa Tully, Walder Frey, Edmure Tully, Hoster Tully, Roslin Frey, Walder Rivers, Brynden “Blackfish” Tully, and Walda Frey.

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Landmarks: There’s the haunted castle remains of Harrenhal, but I’d advise against it.

What to Avoid: Stay out of ruined castle remains of Harrenhal. Though the largest castle of Westeros built by the Ironborn during their occupation, the Targaryens invaded the very day upon its completion and hosted a royal family barbecue inside (with dragon fire). Since then, any family who attempted to lay claim or quickly occupy it has quickly descended into ruin. Also, watch out for opposing militaries. Also stay out of the Twins since that’s the scene of the Red Wedding.

For Those Who Want to Visit: This is an easy place to stop by since it’s often frequented by travelers, especially at the Crossroads Inn. So feel free to spend some time within its many taverns along the roads that facilitate many chance encounters with your favorite characters. That is, if they didn’t die yet in the series. Oh, and if you save some inn employee or owner’s life, you may even get free food for life. Also, proceed with caution to the Hollow Hill which is the hideout for the Brotherhood Without Borders.

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The Geography of Game of Thrones: Part 6 – The Vale of Arryn

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Surrounded by the Mountains of the Moon, the Vale of Arryn is isolated from the rest of Westeros and is only accessible during the warmer seasons. Anyway, the Vale is where the Andals landed and spread out during their invasion. Ruled by House Arryn, it is currently ruled by a sheltered and creepy child as of Season 7. Since his father was assassinated at the beginning of Game of Thrones while Littlefinger put his mother through the Moon Gate after she caught him making advances on Sansa. Under Lysa’s regency after Jon Arryn’s death, the Vale followed a strict neutrality policy during the War of the Five Kings until the last stages. After he killed her, Littlefinger pretty much ran the place until Sansa and Arya executed him at Winterfell.

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Location: South of the North but north of the Riverlands.

Size: It’s fairly large if you look on the Westeros map.

Capital: The Eyrie, located beyond a long and treacherous road at a high mountain top. Has no regular executioner since it kills wrongdoers with the Moon Gate and sports open air prison cells with holes in the floors.

Climate: It’s quite temperate most of the time. Though the winters can be quite harsh.

Environment: The Vale is dominated and mostly covered by the Mountains of the Moon and its offshoot chains.

Resources: Well, the valleys are known to support agriculture. Other than that, there’s not much else.

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Population: Home to many barbaric hill tribes between the mountain fortresses and fertile river valleys, a problem that the Lords of the Vale haven’t really done much to combat it since they all have a seeming blindness to anything going on in the region and a very distinct sense of pride and honor regarding their mountains.

Key Cities: The port city of Gulltown. Towns include Wickendon and Sisterton.

Culture: Noble bastards have the surname of Stone.

Religion: Worship the Faith of the Seven.

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Great House: The House of Arryn, currently headed by a Lord Robin who’s only a kid. But the Vale Lords hold intense pride for their homeland has blinded them to any flaws within them. Whenever danger comes knocking at their door, they’re more than content to simply hole up in their mountains and ride it out relatively unscathed. In fact, their geographical defenses have kept the Vale Lords isolated from matters of real concern like making peace or destroying the Hill Tribes, feeding an unjustified sense of superiority and security. Lord Jon Arryn was the exception, however, since he took part in Lord Robert’s Rebellion and served as his Hand of the King. Until he got assassinated.

Vassal Houses: House Baelish (extinct), House Royce, and House Waynwood.

History: Once known as the Kingdom of Mountain and Vale before the Targaryen conquest, the Andals first landed in the region and spread out from there during their Westeros invasion. Though as settlement patterns became established, the Reach became the major Andal population and cultural center. Nonetheless, combined with the Vale’s isolated mountainous terrain, noble families from the area are said to have the purest Andal bloodlines within Westeros.

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Current Status: Aligned as part of the Kingdom of the North until Jon Snow bent the knee to Daenerys.

Best Known for: Being nigh impregnable compared to most of the rest of the kingdoms and mostly neutral on Westeros affairs.

Home of: Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish, Jon Arryn, Robin Arryn, Hugh of the Vale, Yohn Royce, Vardis Egen, and Mord.

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Landmarks: Other than the Bloody Gate, I’m not sure.

What to Avoid: It’s best not to hike up the mountains since they’re home to hostile hill tribes.

For Those Who Want to Visit: The only way inside is The Bloody Gate, so named because during the Age of Heroes, 12 different armies beat themselves bloody against it trying to get in, all without success. Not to mention, the Vale is only accessible during the warmer months. Yet, once inside, watch out for the resident hill tribes who are dangerous to passing travelers. But their lack of organization and advanced weaponry means they pose no threat to the rest of the 7 Kingdoms.

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The Geography of Game of Thrones: Part 5 – The Iron Islands

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Home of the maritime raiding Ironborn, the Iron Islands is among the smallest and least populous region of Westeros. Located off the continent’s west coast, these small, rocky, windswept islands don’t support a lot of resources. This explains why the Ironborn have resorted to raiding and pillaging as a way of life for much of their history until Aegon the Conqueror put a stop to it. Well, at least within Westeros. Nonetheless, they are exceptional sailors and would be a military force to be reckoned with if they had the numbers and discipline. But before the Targaryen Conquest, they once controlled the Riverlands under House Hoare for 3 generations, which they conquered from the Stormlands. And unlike most of Westeros, they worship the Drowned God.

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Location: A small collective of islands west of the Neck and northwest of the Riverlands.

Size: It’s the smallest of the 7 Kingdoms.

Capital: Castle Pyke on the island of Pyke.

Climate: Rain-lashed and cold with frequent storms.

Environment: The islands are small and rocky with poor soil and hardly any naturally resources.

Resources: Other than iron mines, there’s not much else. Hell, if there were a lot of natural resources, they wouldn’t be raiding.

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Population: Call themselves Ironborn. Despite their Golden Age being over, they still yearn for their pillaging ways. Have a reputation for being the most rebellious and troublesome people of Westeros. Still, it’s among the least populous regions of Westeros so there aren’t many of them.

Key Cities: Islands include Pyke, Great Wyk, Harlaw, Blacktyde, Orkmont, Old Wyk, Lonely Light, and Saltcliffe. Red Harbor is the region’s main port.

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Culture: Noble bastards take the surname Pyke. Take pride in the “iron price” as an echo for their pillaging ways the Targaryens forced them to give up. Or at least give up raiding around Westeros. Were also known to take captive slaves to work in their few agricultural fields since the Ironborn can’t afford draft animals. A youth isn’t considered a man until he kills his first enemy. Have open attitudes toward sexuality since they’re a maritime culture (though it might be more along the lines of “love the one you’re with.”) Also a very male-dominated society (though they may take exception to Yara).

Religion: Worship the Drowned God, which is in an eternal struggle with the Storm God and focuses on resurrection. Have a kind of baptism ceremony of initiation for infants and a similar ceremony to anoint kings. Priests are known as Drowned Men.

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Great House: House Greyjoy, who were appointed as rulers by the Ironborn under Aegon the Conqueror’s direction. As of Season 7, currently subject to a dynastic dispute between King Euron and Princess Yara.

Vassal Houses: House Botley, House Harlaw, and House Goodbrother.

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History: The Ironborn were once fierce pirates and plunderers who raided the mainland for gold, glory, and prisoners to work their fields and tend their docks. At one point, they were the most feared people of Westeros. Legend states that one of their ancient kings slew a sea dragon. Before the Targaryen Conquest, it was once known as the Kingdom of the Iron Isles, They once ruled the Riverlands, which entailed beating the shit out of the stormlords. They then successfully defeated and drove back the Andals, subsuming them into their society and not the other way around as in the rest of Westeros. Harren the Black once had his massive Harrenhal castle built as a monument to his subjugation of them. But Aegon the Conqueror landed and reduced the castle to smoking ruins thanks to dragons. He then pushed the Ironborn back to their islands and allowed them to appoint House Greyjoy as their new rulers. Though Balon Greyjoy tried to reverse this by rebellion but the Baratheons beat them into submission. While Ned Stark took in his son Theon as his ward and hostage. Balon also exiled his younger brother Euron who became the most feared pirate in Westeros, terrorizing the seas from Oldtown to Essos.

Current Status: As of Season 7, it’s in the middle of a dynastic dispute between King Euron and Princess Yara.

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Best Known for: The Ironborn are known to be fearsome warriors and are unparalleled in the seafaring arts. Individually, they can be the strongest warriors in Westeros. But they’re too individualistic to fight cohesively as a group. Also, cannot bear to admit defeat and insist on paying everything with the “iron price,” taking it by force or negotiating for what they need.

Home of: Theon Greyjoy, Yara Greyjoy, Euron Greyjoy, and Balon Greyjoy.

Landmarks: Not that I can name.

What to Avoid: Note there are frequent storms here and that the Ironborn are a hostile lot.

For Those Who Want to Visit: You might want to stay away from this place entirely.

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The Geography of Game of Thrones: Part 4 – The Stormlands

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Known for its destructive and erratic weather patterns, the Stormlands is home to the Baratheons who are descended from Aegon the Conqueror’s illegitimate half-brother Orlys Baratheon. Later, they overthrew the Targaryens and ruled Westeros for nearly two decades. Or at least Robert did. But once he dies, King Joffrey assumes the throne and kicks off a major succession crisis between him and his uncles Stannis and Renly who are at each others’ throats. Of course, as of Season 7, anyone with the name Baratheon is dead. While the only remaining person from that family tree is a bastard blacksmith son of King Robert named Gendry. A temperate rainforest, it’s also home to the old Targaryen palace of Summerhall. Not to mention, one of our favorite knights in shining armor Brienne of Tarth is also from this region.

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Location: On the southeast coast of Westeros but north of Dorne.

Size: Of moderate size.

Capital: Storm’s End, though not in its original structure. Since increment weather had repeatedly destroyed it under the Storm Kings. After the Storm King fell in battle during Targaryen Conquest, King Aegon the Conqueror gave it to his half-brother Orlys Baratheon.

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Climate: Warm and temperate but with lots of storms and significant rainfall.

Environment: It’s a rocky, storm ravaged land as well as a temperate rainforest. Is the most densely forested of the 7 Kingdoms since it has 2 major forests with the Kingswood bordering the Crownlands and the Rainwood. Has low mountains in the center and high mountains in the south. The Isle of Tarth is the only place in this region not ravaged by frequent storms.

Resources: Well, they have a potential for lumber since it’s one of the most forested places in the realm.

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Population: Supports a moderate population.

Key Cities: Includes several islands most notably, Estmont and Tarth.

Culture: Noble bastards take the surname Storm.

Religion: Under the Storm Kings, once worshipped the Storm God. After the Targaryen Conquest, adopted the Faith of the Seven.

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Great House: Formerly House Baratheon, which is extinct as of Season 7. Currently it’s in the midst of a succession crisis.

Vassal Houses: House Tarth, House Errol, House Estermont, House Wylde, House Swann, House Connington, House Caron, House Dondarrion, and House Morrigen.

History: Was originally the Storm Kingdom before the Targaryen conquest and once ruled the Riverlands before the Ironborn pushed them out. During the conquest, Aegon the Conqueror defeated the last Storm King and made his illegitimate half-brother Orlys Baratheon Lord Paramount, giving him the Stormlands, Storm’s End, and the last king’s daughter to rule.

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Current Status: Since all the legitimate Baratheons and their heirs are all dead, it’s in the midst of a succession crisis. The only Baratheon remaining is a blacksmith’s apprentice named Gendry who’s one of Robert’s bastards.

Best Known for: Savage and frequent storms from the Narrow Sea.

Home of: Brienne of Tarth, Robert Baratheon, Stannis Baratheon, and Renly Baratheon.

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Landmarks: Summerhall is a ruined castle built by the Targaryens as a summer palace and vacation home. Destroyed by fire killing Aegon V, his heir, and friend Ser Duncan the Tall. Said to be caused by an attempt to hatch dragon eggs.

What to Avoid: Well, the storms for one.

For Those Who Want to Visit: Tarth is known for its great beauty and isn’t as much affected by storms as the other Stormlands.

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The Geography of Game of Thrones: Part 3 – The Crownlands

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As the capital region of Westeros, the Crownlands is a prevalent setting in Game of Thrones, particularly if It’s King’s Landing. A place of palace intrigue, it is home to the Iron Throne that so many are willing to kill for. Yet, it also includes the Targaryen ancestral home of Dragonstone. Created by Aegon the Conqueror since it was where 3 of the major kingdoms met, the Crownlands are the newest region of Westeros since they were once part of the Riverlands. So it’s no surprise that both areas seem culturally similar. Anyway, for most of 3 centuries, the Targaryens ruled the area and Westeros until Robert’s Rebellion overthrew them. House Baratheon ruled the next two decades until King Robert died in a “boar hunting accident.” After that, King Joffery and King Tommen ruled but they’re basically Lannisters. But after Tommen committed suicide following the Destruction of the Great Sept of Baelor, Cersei Lannister assumed the throne as Westeros’ first reigning queen and House Lannister became the most powerful region in Westeros at last. But given that being on the Iron Throne will put you in the hot seat, it will only be a matter of time until Cersei falls in the upcoming Season 8.

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Location: Situated close to the Narrow Sea and above the Stormlands and stretching from Blackwater Bay.

Size: It’s about moderate size.

Capital: The Red Keep at King’s Landing, built by House Targaryen.

Climate: Mostly temperate.

Environment: Environment is similar to the Riverlands with plains and river valleys and consists of 3 main areas the mainland, the islands, and Dragonstone. Though Cracklaw Point is forested with hills and bogs.

Resources: Other than agriculture and tourism, there’s not much else.

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Population: This is rather densely populated given the importance of King’s Landing.

Key Cities: Of course, there’s King’s Landing which is the capital city of Westeros as well as its largest city. Actually it’s overpopulated. Notable townships include Duskendale and Rosby. While notable islands comprise of Dragonstone, Driftmark, and Claw Isle.

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Culture: Noble bastards take the surname Waters. Since it’s the newest region in Westeros, it doesn’t have much of a distinct cultural identity than this.

Religion: Worship the Faith of the Seven. Headquarters of the Faith Militant and the Great Sept of Baelor (well, formerly). High Septon is based here as well.

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Great House: House Lannister now that Cersei has declared herself Queen of Westeros in her own right. Before then, it was House Baratheon during the reign of King Robert. While before then, it was House Targaryen who united the Seven Kingdoms and ruled for centuries before Robert’s Rebellion.

Vassal Houses: House Stokeworth, House Ryker, and House Rosby.

History: Once contested territory between the Riverlands, the Iron Islands, the Reach, and the Stormlands. The Crownlands were created by Aegon the Conqueror through his conquest of Westeros. So this land section was set aside for his castle.

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Current Status: Basically run by the Lannisters since the death of King Robert Baratheon. Though Dragonstone is now a base for Daenerys Targaryen.

Best Known for: Considered the capital region of Westeros.

Home of: Qyburn, Varys, Gendry Waters, Joffey Baratheon, Myrcella Baratheon, Shireen Baratheon, Tommen Baratheon, and Davos Seaworth.

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Landmarks: The fortress castle of Dragonstone has been the Targaryens’ ancestral home in Westeros and was usually occupied by the heir to the Iron Throne. In King’s Landing there’s the Great Sept of Baelor (now destroyed), the Guildhall of the Alchemists with the pyromancers.

What to Avoid: Keep away from the Faith Militant at all costs, especially if they’re royal pawns. Also, stay out of Fleabottom. You might want to stay out of the Red Keep, too.

For Those Who Want to Visit: You might want to obey the law at all times. Since the King’s Landing legal system usually holds trials as a mere formality and often determines effective guilt before then. Also, though King’s Landing may have a pretty skyline, it’s a wretched hive underneath with rampant poverty. Anyway, feel free to watch a tournament or see a play. In addition, if you’re into that sort of thing, Littlefinger’s brothel looks kind of nice.

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The Geography of Game of Thrones: Part 2 – The Westerlands

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Second, we venture to the Westerlands, home of the Great House we love to hate, the Lannisters (though with the exception of Tyrion). Thanks to their hills being filled with mines of gold and other precious metals, they’re said to be the wealthiest family in Westeros while their bannermen are also said to have plenty of wealth. So they can amass a large army. But the mines eventually run dry that the Tyrells had to pay half the wedding bill and the family’s taking loans from the Iron Bank. Nonetheless, while we see a lot of the Lannisters on Game of Thrones, we don’t see much of the Westerlands. But while it’s small in size, it’s densely populated. As of Season 7, the Lannisters are the most powerful family in Westeros. But we must acknowledge that power is fleeting when you play the game of thrones as Tyrion managed to capture Casterly Rock for Daenerys.

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Location: West of the Riverlands. North of the Reach.

Size: One of the smaller regions of the 7 Kingdoms.

Capital: Casterly Rock, now captured by Tyrion Lannister with Daenerys’ Army of the Unsullied.

Climate: Somewhat temperate.

Environment: Surrounded by natural defenses like thick forests, low mountains and hills, and the sea at the region’s back. Home to wild mountain lions.

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Resources: Its mountains are home to mines of gold, silver, iron, and other precious metals that have made the Lannisters and their vassals immensely wealthy. Though as of Season 7, these mines have already run dry after the War of the Five Kings (or at least the ones owned by the Lannisters). Since they’ve had to secure a marriage alliance with the Tyrells who footed half the wedding bill and have taken tremendous loans at the Iron Bank of Bravos.

Population: Has one of the larger populations of Westeros.

Key Cities: The port town of Lannisport is the Westerlands’ largest city and main source of trade. A notable village is Oxcross.

Culture: Noble bastards take the surname of Hill.

Religion: Worship the Faith of the Seven.

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Great House: House Lannister, considered the richest family in Westeros (though the real richest family on the continent is most likely the Tyrells. Nonetheless, the Lannisters are definitely the most powerful by a longshot). Yet, after the War of the Five Kings, their mines have run dry. Since they’ve had to take tremendous loans from the Iron Bank of Bravos while they secured a marriage alliance for House Tyrell who footed half of the royal wedding bill. While the death of Tywin has put the family in a delicate position while Tyrion’s exile has left no suitable heir for Lord Paramount and Warden of the West. Also has a reputation for incest.

Vassal Houses: House Clegane, House Payne, House Lefford, House Reyne (extinct), House Mabrand, House Westerling, House Lefford, House Crakehall, House Swyft, House Sarsfield, House Serrett, and House Tarbeck (extinct).

History: Legend states that Lannister patriarch, Lann the Clever successfully swindled House Casterly out of their castle of Casterly Rock. Was known as the Kingdom of the Rock before the Targaryen Conquest.

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Current Status: For the first time in history, Casterly Rock has fallen to a foe. Utilizing a secret passageway constructed by Tyrion Lannister, Daenerys’ Unsullied armies infiltrated and captured the castle. Whil the Lannisters have deliberately left Casterly Rock underdefended so they can focus more on capturing Highgarden, which they did. But Daenerys’ forces smashed the Lannisters in the Battle of Goldroad so they’re in charge of the capital. But the Lannisters still rule the rest of the place.

Best Known for: Said to be the richest of the Seven Kingdoms. Also has the best equipped army in the realm with heavily-armored soldiers and cavalry.

Home of: Tyrion Lannister, Podrick Payne, Gregor Clegane, Cersei Lannister, Tywin Lannister, Jamie Lannister, The Hound, and Bronn.

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Landmarks: The ruins of Castamere which was owned by House Reyne. Until Tywin Lannister suppressed a rebellion and destroyed the castle. Another is the ruins of Tarbeck Hall raised when they joined the Reynes.

What to Avoid: When you hear “The Reynes of Castamere” head for the hills since it means the Lannisters will send their regards. Also, don’t piss off the Lannisters. Not to mention, you might want to beware of lions in the mountains.

For Those Who Want to Visit: Know that the saying “A Lannister always pays his debts,” can also be about seeking revenge. So be nice to them (though that may not mean they’ll be nice to you). Can be accessed through the Riverlands from the Golden Tooth. Possesses a number of navigable rivers as well.

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The Geography of Game of Thrones: Part 1 – The North

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Based on George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire series, the long-running HBO series Game of Thrones is filmed in many exotic locations, mostly in Europe and the Middle East. Since the continents of Westeros and Essos are home to various kinds of people with their own customs on lands of various terrain. While Essos seems to have more variety, Westeros is home to the Seven Kingdoms. So here I give you a guide on all the places in the characters’ known world. This information is taken from the hit HBO show as of Season 7 so there will be plenty of differences from A Song of Ice and Fire books which I never read. Then again, George R. R. Martin still has a couple of books to write so I don’t think I’m missing much. The first several posts will concern the 7 Kingdoms of Westeros while the others will focus on the places in Essos.

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First, we go to the North, home to our favorite Great House in Westeros, the Starks at Winterfell. Of course, during the series, this family goes through hell with Ned’s beheading, the Red Wedding, and the Bolton takeover. But after the Battle of the Bastards, the Starks have re-taken the North with Jon Snow as its king. Bordered by a swamp called the Neck, it’s a rather hostile place of forest, ice, and snow. As the only region to resist the Andal invaders, the Northmen the Old Golds of the Forest of the First Men. But they still remember the Long Night and the White Walkers. And they know when winter comes, the White Walkers may pass the wall and wreak havoc onto humanity.

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Location: Stretches from the Sunset Sea to the Shivering Sea as wells from the Wall to the bogs of the Neck.

Size: The North is the largest region in Westeros by area, big enough to house the other six kingdoms in Westeros.

Capital: Winterfell, which is situated atop hot springs and has existed for millennia. While winding tombs below the castle contain Stark king and lord remains as well as record the ancient family’s history.

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Climate: It’s the coldest region in Westeros since some areas experience snow during the summer, especially close to the Wall. While snowfall increases as your move further along the Kingsroad. And this is in any a fantasy world where the seasons can last for years. When it’s winter, it’s especially harsh. Yet, the southern areas enjoy comparatively mild temperatures.

Environment: The nothernmost areas in the region could consist of subarctic tundra as well as the Wolfswood forest (the largest in Westeros) along with rivers and plains. The Neck is a swamp which serves as a natural barrier to the North proper. Only House Reed and the area’s crannogmen can properly navigate through its treacherous landscape and fierce creatures. While many have died trying to find their way through it unaided.

Resources: Aside from agriculture in the Neck, there’s not many resources here.

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Population: Due to the forbidding climate and environment, the North isn’t known for having a dense population. In fact, it’s one of the most sparse. People usually have dark hair and white skin akin to the First Men. Neck inhabitants are called crannogmen while Wildlings inhabit the northernmost areas.

Key Cities: The port town of White Harbor is the North’s primary source of trade and the only place that can be considered a city there. Barrowton is another notable town.

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Culture: Place a high value on honor while believing in White Walkers and the Long Night as undeniable truth. Noble bastard children have the name Snow. Are particularly zealous about cultivating and preserving their resources since surviving winter is often a life-or-death struggle. Have fewer wars amongst themselves since cooperation is essential for survival. Practice strict observance of guest right and the laws of hospitality. Don’t hold tournaments (though participate in those in the southern areas) and have little regard for southern political intrigues.

Religion: Worship the Old Gods that the First Men adopted from the Children of the Forest and pray underneath the weirwood trees dotting the land. Because the Andals found little foothold in the North, its warriors aren’t regularly designated as “knights” since “knighthood” is a code of values associated with the Faith of the Seven.

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Great House: House Stark (though there was a stint when the Boltons ruled between the Red Wedding and the Battle of the Bastards) Ruled by Warden of the North Jon Snow and Lady Sansa Stark. The Starks have also been the dominant family in the North for thousands of years. Believe that he who passes sentence should swing the sword.

Vassal Houses: House Bolton (extinct), House Karstark, House Reed, House Mormont, House Umber, House Glover, House Cerwyn, House Hornwood, House Tallhart, House Manderly, House Dustin, House Flint, House Forester, House Dormund, House Whitehill, House Ryswell, and House Glenmore.

History: According to legend, the Kingdom of the North was established by House Stark’s founder Bran the Builder who built the Wall as a shield against the possible return of the White Walkers. Stark rulers were known as Kings of the North before King Torren submitted to Aegon the Conqueror who made him Lord Paramount of the region. Though Torren got criticized for this, bending the knee is the main reason why House Stark managed to survive for this long. Since nobody stood a chance against dragons.

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Current Status: Has recognized Daenerys as its sovereign while still ruled by House Stark. Still, though Jon Snow may no longer be King of the North, he has a strong claim to the Iron Throne as a Targaryen. In addition, he and Daenerys will most definitely get married and have a child in Season 8.

Best Known for: Hardened warriors and honorable leaders. Also, for being the only region of the Seven Kingdoms that holds the traditions of the First Men.

Home of: Jon Snow, Meera Reed, Jorah Mormont, Ramsay Bolton, Ned Stark, Osha, Bran Stark, Robb Stark, Sansa Stark, Arya Stark, Rickon Stark, Jojen Reed, Benjen Stark, Lyanna Mormont, Jeor Mormont, Old Nan, Osha, and Hodor.

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Landmarks: Well, there are weirwood trees. Then there’s the ruined castle of Moat Cailin in the Neck, which was built by the First Men but has been unoccupied for centuries.

What to Avoid: Stay away from the Boltons since they have an infamous reputation for torture on all occasions (though they’re extinct so you need not worry even at the Dreadfort). Also, watch out for White Walkers.

For Those Who Want to Visit: Take warnings of winter and White Walkers very seriously. Make sure take a fur coat along. Also, be nice to the Wildlings. Further you stay away from the wall, the better.

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Never Judge a Book By Its Cover – Well, Most of the Time (Seventh Edition)

Whenever you go in a library, you’re bound to find all kinds of interesting books out there. You might see novels that might tell you a compelling story. You might want to know something more about a subject like animals, science, or history. Some might be manuals offering advice on certain aspects of life like dating or parenting guide. While some may be books geared for our own entertainment. Nonetheless, what all books have in common is that their cover usually serves as a marker on the shelves. And over the years I’ve done posts like these, I’ve found plenty with covers that can be downright strange. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another installment of insane book covers. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

  1. Two Guys Noticed Me and Other Miracles by Marjorie Sharmat
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And she seems to prefer one over the other. With the guy she’s more partial to sporting a mullet.

Since when is it a miracle that 2 guys notice you?

2. Snakes on a Sudoku: Official Snakes on a Plane Puzzle Book by Francis Heaney and Conceptis Puzzles

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Other similar titles are Crocodiles on a Crossword, Wendingos on a Word Search, and Cockroaches on a Cryptogram. Also, that Samuel L. Jackson quote doesn’t really do this book justice.

In the words of Samuel L. Jackson, “I’ve had it with these mother fucking snakes no this mother fucking sudoku.”

3. Surf Safari Nurse by Jane Converse

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Nurses go on an awful lot of thrilling, sexy adventures in Romance Novel World. I’m pretty sure it’s a trick played by the nursing industry to recruit the unsuspecting. You never see ‘Bedpan Duty Nurse’ or ‘Love Among the Gangrene Cleanup Crew.'”

Apparently, nurses prefer surfers for some reason.

4. Thong on Fire: An Urban Erotic Tale by Noire

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “This sounds more like a Chiller Channel Original Movie than an erotic novel. He lurks in the shadows outside the University For Totally Hot Chicks Who Study, Like, Science and Stuff. Just when they think it’s safe to sit down, the THONGBURNER strikes!”

A scorching story not for those with flammable underwear.

5. Chap Foey Rider: Capitalist to the Stars by Hayford Pierce

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “This looks thrilling. I can’t wait to get to the part where he files for a small business loan…in space! (Original title: Cousin Blobby and Ming The Merciless Go To The Goddamn Bank.)”

No, this isn’t about the life of Elon Musk.

6. After the Downfall by Henry Turtledove

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Admit it, Turtledove. You wrote this just so you could commission a painting of a Nazi riding a unicorn.”

Even Nazis love to ride their unicorns.

7. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Enhancing Self-Esteem

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However, we have too many idiots with very high self-esteem like Donald Trump. Seriously, the guy is a complete narcissistic sociopath who thinks he can get away with shit.

For the idiot who needs to believe in themselves.

8. Pigeon Wigs and Extensions by Chlorine Windle

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Pigeon wigs? For God’s sake, these birds look totally ridiculous in those hairstyles. Why do books like this even exist?

Now those pigeons at the park can look fabulous.

9. When You Touch Yourself an Angel Dies: How Your Child’s Filthy Habit Is Destroying America and What You Can Do About It by Douglas and Rosalie Gale

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For God’s sake, you’re going to shame kids over masturbation? How is that destroying America? I don’t understand it since I can think of a hundred worse things like Donald Trump and white supremacists.

Talk to your kids about the evils of masturbation.

10. The Caves of Death by Victor Norwood

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From the Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Maybe they’d be a little less deadly if you wore pants, Thongbad the Mighty.” Yeah, because he’s basically dressed like a guy in a 1970s porn movie.

About a mighty man who’d slay a fire-breathing dragon in a pair of skimpy leopard print underwear.

11. Everything Happens to Stuey by Lillian Moore

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Wow, this book looks incredibly exciting! I can’t wait to…ZzzzzZZZzzz”

And yet, he’s shown fixing an alarm clock.

12. Eat and Stay Slim by Better Homes and Gardens

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “I assume the plan consists of soaking all your food in the bizarre swirly mustard/poison concoction in the gravy boat. “That’s disgusting. I’m not eating that shit!” There! You cut a lot of calories!” Actually a great way to stay slim is to cook and eat at home.

Now you can cook your way to weight loss.

13. The Adolescence of P-1 by Thomas J. Ryan

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Also, I wonder if the rocket has any kind of subtle symbolism. Like as sexual awakening.

I’m it was absolutely hellish if your name is P-1.

14. The Agoraphobia Workbook: A Comprehensive Program to End Your Fear of Symptom Attacks by C. Alec Pollard Ph.D. & Elke Zuercher-White Ph. D.

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Then again, agoraphobes are usually out of their comfort zone when they’re out of the house. Still, you have to wonder what’s inside this book.

If you’re afraid of the outside world but have to interact with it, this book is for you.

15. How to Survive an Atomic Bomb by Richard Gerstell

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Actually my advice to surviving an atomic bomb is basically to hold your loved ones close and kiss your ass goodbye. Because your odds of survival are highly unlikely.

A survival guide to getting through World War III.

16. How to Avoid Matrimony by Herald Froy

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Depicts a cave woman with a wooden club chasing a guy. Seriously, I’m sure there’s plenty of sexist bullshit inside it. And you thought hookup culture was just a millennial phenomenon.

Recommended for the rogue men who want to play the field.

17. Awaken the Genius in Your Child Through Positive Attitude Training by Nicola M. Tauraso, M.D. and L. Richard Batzler, M.D.

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Yet, you have to wonder why they chose a cover depicting a girl being struck by lightning without being electrocuted. Obviously, she must be a mutant. Time to call Professor X.

Think your kid is a genius? Use positive reinforcement with this book.

18. Billi Gordon’s You’ve Had Worse Things in Your Mouth Cookbook by Billi Gordon

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Aunt Jemima caricature aside, a cookbook with a title like that doesn’t really inspire confidence in this woman’s cooking talents. Seriously, I’m sure the recipes inside won’t look remotely appetizing.

Well, at least she’s honest.

19. The Beast with the Red Hands by Sidney Stuart

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “The shadowy figure skulked out of the darkness, and an unearthly chill went through the room. Lady Ebonyheart Ravensblood turned around in shock, dropping her cursed amulet on the floor. Her face twisted into a grimace of disgust. ‘Steve, take those stupid red mittens off. I don’t care how cold it is. You’re seriously ruining the atmosphere here.'”

Like Twilight but with more death and blatant relationship abuse.

20. Beauty Contest Nurse by Dianna Douglas

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Sure, she’s killed several patients due to gross incompetence. But she’s so pretty!”

“But, doctor, I can’t assist you in the operating room today. I don’t want to damage my manicure.”

21. What Makes a Teenager Say….Sometimes I Feel Like a Blob by Ethel Barrett

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Note: when you want to draw a blob, don’t use brown. Because when you draw a brown blob, it resembles a turd.

Because some days you just feel like shit.

22. Brainwashing Is a Cinch by James Maratta

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Okay, this seems pretty disturbing. Besides, I can see how easy it is to brainwash people during the 2016 campaign. Seriously, the fact Donald Trump manage to win the presidency with 63 million votes scares me to this day.

The #1 recommended self-help book for any aspiring cult leader and fascist demagogue.

23. Vampire Voles: A Welkin Weasels Adventure by Gary Kilworth

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Terror in the pasture! SEE animals with tiny little bites on them! THRILL to the amazing hero weasel armed with his wee wooden stakes! BEWARE…no small-to-medium size vermin is safe from…VAMPIRE VOLES!”

They may look cute but these critters want to suck your blood.

24. Cat Massage by Maryjean Ballner

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Indeed, this is another crazy cat book. Not sure how you can give a kitten a pat down.

Want to learn how to massage your cat? This book is for you.

25. Castles in the Air by Christina Dodd

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “I think I may have found the greatest romance novel of all time. Why? Count the princess’s hands.”

Here’s a medieval romance between a knight and his 3-armed lady.

26. The Real McCoys and Danger on the Ranch

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “They look awfully cheerful for people in danger. Maybe they don’t realize they’re driving off a cliff.”

Apparently, they don’t seem aware of it on the cover.

27. Cry Havoc by James D. Forman

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: ” This rare treasure of a novel tells the rip-roaring story of the McKenzie brothers and their loyal dog Hosehead fighting the Nazis, who apparently took that ‘Great White North’ thing a bit too literally.”

Apparently, you might want to avoid the giant hell hound.

28. Woman Doctor by Sloane Britain

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “I can believe ghosts physically manifesting from psychological unrest. Interdimensional space travel, sure. But a woman doctor!? Ridiculous!”

Finally, a book that’s about a woman doctor. Hooray for feminism!

29. Dreamhouse by Christopher Fahy

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Pfft. That’s not scary. Every house in Maine has a doll like this in it. You get used to it pretty quick.”

“Come and play with me.”

30. E-Mail Addresses of the Rich & Famous by Seth Godin

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Wonder if this guy’s ever heard of doxing. Because he’s practically doing it. Would like to know how many people sued this guy.

Now you can send an e-mail to your favorite celebrities.

31. Entertaining to Please Him by Taylor Bradford

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Because men prefer a woman who’d be a perfect doll and hostess at the party. Seriously, look into her eyes and you’ll find nothing there.

The #1 bestseller in Stepford.

32. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

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Jay Gatsby isn’t a hardboiled playboy. Also, he picked the wrong Daisy. Seriously, I read the book.

“When it comes to loving…He knew which Daisy to pick!”

33. The Official Gay Man-ual: Living the Lifestyle (or at Least Appearing to) by Kevin Dilallo and Jack Krumholtz

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To be honest, there’s really no right way to be a gay guy. So you man’s men around here, you do you.

Are you a gay man who’s come out of the closet? This is the book for you.

34. Global Warming: a Pop-Up Book of Our Endangered Planet by Sandy Ransford and Illustrated by Mike Peterkin

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Look, I know that global warming needs urgently addressed. But doing it with a pop-up book isn’t really the way to go.

It’s basically Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth for kids.

35. Have a Happy Measle, a Merry Mumps, and a Cheery Chicken Pox written and illustrated by Jeanne Benedick with Candy Benedick and Rob Jr.

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Look, I know this book was probably written decades ago. But now that we have vaccines for all of these, we shouldn’t let them make a comeback. Yet, anti-vaxxers think vaccines cause autism despite evidence to the contrary.

Because being sick with incredibly contagious diseases is fun.

36. The Truth About the Homosexuals by Dr. Hugh F. Pyle

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “The horrifying truth: they could have designed us a much nicer looking book cover, but our pride in being crazy assholes to everyone is more important than such worldly concerns. I really have to wonder what the F stands for. Nah, I think I know…”

For an anti-gay book, the pink glitter doesn’t help matters.

37. Why Not the Best? Why One Man Is Optimistic about America’s Third Century by Jimmy Carter

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Of course, you’ll find a lot of naïve platitudes in here. But understand that Carter was much younger and innocent then.

Wonder what today’s Jimmy Carter would think about this today.

38. How Not to Kill Your Husband by Kevin C. Hutchin, M.D.

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Listen, if your marriage is so bad that you’re thinking about getting this book, you might need marriage counseling. If you’re Amazing Amy from Gone Girl, well…

Husband giving you trouble? This is the book for you.

39. Knight Moves by Walter Jon Williams

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “If there isn’t at least one “horse’s ass” joke in this, I’m going to be very disappointed.”

Catered to anyone who likes a woman’s chest and a horse’s ass.

40. Knitting with Balls: A Hands-On Guide to Knitting for Men by Michael Del Vecchio

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Funny how he’s got needles in one hand and a couple of yarn balls in the other. Still, wonder what projects they have in it. Camo tea cozies?

Finally, a book about knitting for men.

41. The Legacy: A Birthright of Living Death by John Coyne

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “This is Mr. Wibbles. He is a 5-time grand champion Persian cat, and his hobbies include loafing on the sunny spot on the floor and chasing the ball with the bell in it. Do not piss him off.”

This time, Fluffy means business.

42. Liberace Cooks! as told to Carol Truax

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “*crunch* Ow! Who put these goddamn rhinestones in the spaghetti!?” Also, kind of unusual to see Liberace dressed in plaid shirt like a normal person.

Know how to make a rhinestone salad.

43. Looking Forward to Being Attacked by Lt. Jim Bullard

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This cover basically tells women to be afraid, be very afraid. I guess there’s something about carrying guns. At any rate, that’s no way to live.

Because someone could try to kill you at any moment and anywhere.

44. Church Members Who Make God Sick by John R. Rice D.D., Litt. D.

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Wonder what kind of church members make God sick. Is it the self-righteous hypocrites who see nothing wrong with shaming and screwing the poor? Let’s hope so.

Man, someone must have an axe to grind for the Lord.

45. More than Magic by Kathleen Nance

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From the Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Warlock Lord Abraxxas Sexington carefully prepared for his dark magic ritual, making sure all the reagents were in place. Mandrake root, check. Basilisk eyes, check. Store brand cologne and Hawaiian Tropic man-chest oil, check and mate.”

Want to make love with this hot wizard?

46. Nothing’s Impossible! Stunts to Entertain and Amaze by Jeff Sheridan

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Warning: Performing some of these stunts will result in grievous injury that will send you to the emergency room. Also, the guy’s like “No, not the dining chair! Dear God, not the dining chair!”

Want to impress people at a party? This book is for you.

47. You’re Either One or the Other: A Children’s Book about Human Sexuality by Joy Wilt, Illustrated by Hergie

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But keep in mind that Gender is a spectrum and social construct. Also, trans and intersex people exist.

Also called, My First Sex Ed Book.

48. The Pantyhose Craft Book by Jean Ray Laury and Joyce Aiken

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From the Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Why, what a lovely and unusual quilt you’ve made, Muriel. I’ve never seen one quite like it. What’s that fabric?”

Got a lot of ripped up pantyhose you don’t know what to do with? Do craft projects with them.

49. Preparing for Contact by Lyssa Royal and Keith Priest

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Then again, it might not be a romance. He might be probing her brain or perhaps steal her soul.

This science fiction romance is a real meeting of minds.

50. The Pride of Chanur by C.J. Cherryh

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Shhh. Don’t tell him…he’s adopted.”

Bill Cattington always suspected he was different.

51. Still Hungry- After All These Years: My Story by Richard Simmons

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Don’t like the way he’s biting on that fork. Seriously, that looks so creepy.

Learn about the life of fitness guru Richard Simmons.

52. Rosey Grier’s Needlepoint for Men by Rosey Grier

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By the way, he’s a former NFL linebacker for the LA Rams. Yes, you read that right.

Because real men do needlepoint.

53. Sarah T. Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic by Robin S. Wagner

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This girl seems to have a really terrible problem. Since she can’t let go of the booze at 13.

Follow the sensational story of a teenage drunk.

54. How to Sell Your Car for More than It’s Worth by Gregory C. Hill

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Look at the guy posed with the car and he dresses like a shady used car salesman. And you know those guys are notorious for ripping people off.

If you got a clunker you need to get rid of, this is the book for you.

55. The Skunk and His Junk by Pam Scheunemann

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It’s actually perfectly suitable for children. However, the title just results in all kinds of shits and giggles for anyone 12 and older.

It’s just a book about a skunk and his junk.

56. Mommy, Why Is There a Server in the House? by Tom O’Connor, Ph. D.

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Well, Jenny, it’s because it’s used for…uhm…internet…something. You know what, I don’t know either, and it’s probably boring anyway. Just don’t touch it, because that large heavy thing that I don’t know the purpose of is expensive as hell.”

Parents, talk to your kids about you stay-at-home server.

57. The Pirate City by Michael Robert Ballantyne

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Because all those guys seem like futuristic soldiers. Not 19th century Barbary pirates in Northern Africa.

Those guys don’t look like pirates to me.

58. The Breeze Horror by Candace Caponegro

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “One of my favorite cover subjects is horror books about completely un-scary things. Grrr! Those curtains’ll teach you to call them ugly and claim they clash with the wallpaper!”

Boy, Frankenstein’s monster sure has a large mouth.

59. Cornerstones of Freedom: The Story of Watergate

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Man, those pictures aren’t very flattering. Still, this was a scandal when most Americans actually cared about presidential integrity. Because there was no such thing as Fox News to fill white conservative voters with so much outlandish conspiracy theories and have white supremacists on their primetime shows.

Kids, now you can learn about the story of one of the darkest moments of American history.

60. Y2K-9: The Dog Who Saved the World by Todd Strasser

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Now if this dog hacker can go after the Russian hackers backing Donald Trump. That would be great. Still, you can’t take this seriously.

About a dog hacker who’s such a good boy.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Southern Cross”

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The Baudelaires remain on the island for a year as they raise baby Beatrice. By this time, they’ve just read their parents’ last entry of them being kicked off the island and that their mom’s pregnant. If the baby was a girl, she intended to name  her Violet. If it was a boy, she as going to name him Lemony. Thank God, Violet turned out to be a girl or she would’ve been saddled with the name of her mom’s ex who was presumed dead at the time. Then again, I think the Baudelaire parents named their son Klaus two years later was either because they knew Lemony was alive at the time or that it was Bertrand’s turn and didn’t want to saddle a name like Lemony on a kid. Also, that their dad built a boat they named after her. Anyway, Violet decides that despite all the treachery in the world, it’s time to get off the island and back to the mainland. And since a flood is due on the coastal shelf, they don’t have long. Violet patches up the boat and takes off the sign with “Count Olaf” on it revealing it to be the very boat the Baudelaire parents set sail on. They decide to leave the chronicle behind on the island since it might be useful to future castaways who come along. And as soon as the Baudelaires and baby Beatrice get on the boat, the little baby says her own name which is the boat’s name, Mrs. Baudelaire’s, and the name of whom Lemony dedicates each book to. Though Lemony Snicket doesn’t exactly know what happened to the Baudelaires after that, earlier books and The Beatrice Letters strongly imply that all three survived and are now adults (though Beatrice is about 10 when she wrote her letters to her Uncle Lemony, meaning that Sunny would’ve been at least 12 years old at the time.)

 

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Thus, I end the series with Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young’s “Southern Cross” which is about a man sailing the Pacific after a failed love affair. Though he admires the sea’s beauty, music is his final consolation. The last lyric is filled with the sad irony that he’s trying to convince himself that he’ll eventually forget about his lover. But he knows that this will never happen any more than he can forget the beauty of the Southern Cross. In this version, I have the Baudelaires discuss leaving the island and taking baby Beatrice in tow.

 

“Southern Cross” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Get on our boat, it is time, to depart from the island
To sail a reach before a following sea
Decision Day’s coming in with the high tide
To wash us up on the Briny Beach

Our dad built this boat for their island departure
Named it after our mom as Ishmael drove them away
How the hell would Mom know a Lemony?
Though we somehow we realize why they kept some things at bay

Think about
Think about how many times we have fallen
World’s full of treachery, but we can’t hide out
What Heaven brought us right here cannot be forgotten

Around the way (We have been around the way)
Lookin’ (lookin’ for a peaceful place)
Where we’re left alone (we know it’s quite secure)
And we know it will

Klaus:
When you see the Southern Cross for the first time
You understand now why you came this way
‘Cause the truth you might be runnin’ from is so small
But it’s as big as the promise, the promise of a comin’ day

So we’re sailing for the mainland our dreams are a-dyin’
There are questions still unanswered to (and unanswered they remain)
So I’m sailing for tomorrow my dreams are a-dyin’
We have our ship and all her flags are a-flyin’
She is all that we left and Beatrice is her name

Think about
Think about how many times we have fallen
World’s full of treachery, but we can’t hide out
What Heaven brought us right here cannot be forgotten

Around the way (We have been around the way)
Lookin’ (lookin’ for a peaceful place)
Where we’re left alone (we know it’s quite secure)
And we know it will
And we know it will

So we cheated and we lied and we bested
And we never failed to fail it was the easiest thing to do
We will survive being tested
We’ll make a life, we’ll raise Beatrice, and find our friends when we all could
At the southern cross

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Dear Baby Beatrice”

595b6846fc8cf56aa6bb3749c05e06bbThe Baudelaires don’t have much time to mourn for Kit Snicket and their archenemy Count Olaf who they bury and whose graves they bestow wildflowers on. Because they have a baby Beatrice to raise. Through the next year, Violet invents baby equipment, Klaus researches baby care and makes note on Beatrice’s development, and Sunny uses wild sheep to make food and milk for her. They also cultivate bitter apple trees to keep the island protected as well as add to the island’s chronicle.

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As for songs, I selected “Dear Theodosia” from Hamilton where both Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr promise their newborn children that they’ll be around for them and be the fathers they never had. What’s heartwarming is that both men live up to their promise. But unfortunately Theodosia Burr and Philip Hamilton would die before their parents would. Theodosia and her husband would be lost on a journey to the Caribbean. Philip would be killed in a duel at 19. In this version, the Baudelaires promise their new charge that they’ll raise her and take care of her like the guardians they never had.

 

“Dear Baby Beatrice”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire.

Violet:
Dear Baby Beatrice, what to say to you?
You have Kit’s eyes. You have our mother’s name
When you came into the world, you cried and it broke my heart

We’re dedicating every day to you
Domestic life was never quite our style
When you smile, you knock me out, I fall apart
And I thought I was so smart

We will come of age while we raise you
We’ll bleed and fight for you, we’ll make it right for you
If we lay a strong enough foundation
We’ll pass it on to you, we’ll give the world to you
And you’ll blow us all away…

Someday, someday
Yeah, you’ll blow us all away
Someday, someday

Klaus:
Oh Beatrice, when you smile I am undone
Our girl
Look at our girl
Pride is not the word I’m looking for
There is so much more inside me now
Oh Beatrice, you outshine the morning sun
Our girl
When you smile, I fall apart
And I thought I was so smart
Our parents are not around

Violet:
Your parents are not around

Klaus:
We swear that

Both:
We’ll be around for you

Klaus:
We’ll do whatever it takes

Violet:
We’ll make a million mistakes

Both:
We’ll make the world safe and sound for you…

… We will come of age while we raise you
We’ll bleed and fight for you, we’ll make it right for you
If we lay a strong enough foundation
We’ll pass it on to you, we’ll give the world to you
And you’ll blow us all away…

Someday, someday
Yeah, you’ll blow us all away
Someday, someday