A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Tonight”


Unfortunately, before things can get more interesting during the dinnertime conversation, Captain Widdershins announces that it’s time for bedtime. So off to the bunk beds they go. Nonetheless, their first day on the Queequeg is the first nice time the Baudelaires have had in a long time. Sure they may be living in a submarine that’s in extreme disrepair. But at least they’re not being treated like fugitives, don’t have to pretend being someone else, and actually get to sleep in beds. Though Violet is the one enjoying her time the least since she still misses her Quigley. In Klaus’s case, he’s head over heels with Fiona and she with him. In fact, everyone can see the sparks between them. However, their relationship is about to hit troubled waters in both the literal and metaphorical sense. They’ll endure more obstacles and drama that Violet and Quigley didn’t have to experience.


Of course, I understand that if there’s a romance in a work, then a duet is necessary. And I couldn’t think of anything better than West Side Story’s “Tonight” where Tony and Maria profess their love and say good night to each other before parting ways before all the shit starts hitting the fan the next day. What do you expect? It’s basically Romeo and Juliet based in 1950s New York City between a gangs of white boys and Puerto Ricans. In this one, I have Klaus and Fiona sing this duet as they go to bed before the next day’s external circumstances, family dramas, and the decisions they make eventually drive them apart.


“Tonight” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Klaus Baudelaire and Fiona

Only you, you’re the only thing I’ll see forever.
In my eyes, in my words and in ev’rything I do,
Nothing else but you.

And there’s nothing for me but Fiona,
Ev’ry sight that I see is Fiona.

Klaus, Klaus…

Always you, ev’ry thought I’ll ever know.
Ev’rywhere I go, you’ll be

All the world is only you and me!

Tonight, tonight,
It all began tonight,
I saw you and the world went away.

Tonight, tonight,
There’s only you tonight,
What you are, what you do, what you say.

Today, I never had the feeling
A miracle would happen.
I know now I was wrong.

For here you are,
And what was just a world is a star

Tonight. tonight,
The world is full of light,
With suns and moons all over the place.

Tonight, tonight,
The world is wild and bright.
Going mad, shooting sparks into space.

Today the world was just an address.
A place for me to live in,
No better than all right,

But here you are
And what was just a world is a star

My stepdad says it’s lights out

I love you.

Yes, yes, now go to sleep. We have a lot of work tomorrow.

Good night, good night,
Sleep well and when you dream,
Dream of me…

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Gorgonian Grotto”


Once Klaus suggests the idea that the Sugar Bowl is probably hidden in a cave marked G.G., Fiona is the first to know exactly what he’s talking about. Immediately, she goes into her Mushroom Minutiae. Named after the snake haired ladies who’ll turn you to stone if you just look at them, it’s used as a quarantine Medusoid Mycelium, a rare form of poisonous mushroom that waxes and wanes periodically. But when it waxes, breathe or ingest a single spore, you will die within an hour (unless you receive an antidote in that period, which is fortunately not difficult to find if you like hamburgers or hotdogs). However, what makes the Medusoid Mycelium poisonous isn’t that it’s toxic in the conventional sense. But because it can grow on more surfaces than dandelions, even on those where it would be impossible for other plants and fungi to grow. And it thrives in dark, enclosed spaces like the human body. Once a Medusoid Mycelium spore is in your body, it grows thickly and rapidly inside that it will constrict your throat and chock you to death.


Ironically, I used “Colors of the Wind” for this which has Pocahontas showing John Smith how to respect nature and see Indians like herself as human beings. It’s a beautiful song. But in this version, I have Fiona describing some really sick stuff here pertaining to the Gorgonian Grotto and the Medusoid Mycelium. Then again, anyone who knows a thing about American history knows that what happened to Pocahontas and her people isn’t very pretty at all.


“Gorgonian Grotto”

Sung by Fiona

You think it’s in the Gorgonian Grotto
And you’ve done so much research
I guess it must be so
But please you must take heed
There are poisonous fungi
How can there be so much that you don’t know?
You don’t know…

The Medusoid Mycelium grows inside this grotto
Where it serves as this mushroom’s quarantine
Since this place has a such remote location
But it’s not the kind of place I’d rather be

You might not notice the mycelium around you
Since its branches are almost like unseen thread
Yet, when these mushrooms sprout to blossom
Eat or breathe one spore within the hour and you’re dead

While this dead shroom’s not a toxin that you can’t digest
But there’s barely any surface it doesn’t grow
As it thrives the best in tight and enclosed spaces
It will kill you when one spore’s planted in your throat
Where it will constrict your windpipe until you choke

Are you’re sure that the Sugar Bowl’s inside there
Because the mycelium makes that cave unsafe
Cause returning with spores on us spells disaster
While the mushrooms will soon kill us anyway

Do we really have to go inside the grotto?
Is the Sugar Bowl really worth that much hell?
We’ve had enough strife with the V.F.D. schism
Cause I don’t know if this will all go very well

How fast does the mycelium grow?
Let it grow inside, then you’ll surely choke
While this dead shroom’s not a toxin that you can’t digest

Yet, it’s possible there might be an antidote
As it thrives the best in tight and enclosed spaces
It will kill you when one spore’s planted in your throat

Though we all must get some sleep
I’m not quite sure that we
Should go inside the Gorgonian Grotto

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “A Whale of a Tale”


Yet, double weddings and caves aren’t the only things Captain Widdershins discusses at dinner. He talks about how the V.F.D. submarines explored most of the seas and always had an author mascot on their uniforms. He recalls his time as part of the “Volunteer Fire Domestication” at Anwhistle Aquatics, which trained salmon to swim upstream and look out for forest fires. And I thought salmon swam upstream to reproduce and die. He discusses the Snickets siblings who had something as the Snicketsnee which stole the fleet along with Café Salmonella. But they also did more than that. Kit helped build the Queequeg. Jacques investigated the Royal Gardens Fire and sometimes worked aboard the Queequeg when he had nothing else going on. Then there’s a third sibling whose name he can’t remember but had marmosets. Of course, we know he’s Lemony though the Baudelaires don’t.


Once again, I go to Disney for the song parody with “A Whale of a Tale” from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, which had Kirk Douglas sing to his fellow sailors about the women he’s been with and end up double crossing him. In this version, I have Captain Widdershins discuss some V.F.D. stuff over dinner. Though I don’t expect him doing a dance like Kirk Douglas.


“A Whale of a Tale” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Captain Widdershins

Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, kids
A whale of a tale or two
‘Bout the submarines and that V.F.D.
On nights like this under the open seas
A whale of a tale and it’s all true,
I swear by my tattoo

I was at fire domestication
At Anwhistle Aquatics Center
We trained salmon
To look out for forest fires
As well as swim upstream
Then one day Café Salmonella
Stole the Snicketsnee’s fleet

Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, kids
A whale of a tale or two
‘Bout the submarines and that V.F.D.
On nights like this under the open seas
A whale of a tale and it’s all true,
I swear by my tattoo

There were the three Snickets
Queequeg was partly built by Kit
Jacques would help me
While he had no other projects
And his brother
He worked with marmosets
Though he and your dad were tight
He is your mother’s ex

Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, kids
A whale of a tale or two
‘Bout the submarines and that V.F.D.
On nights like this under the open seas
A whale of a tale and it’s all true,
I swear by my tattoo

All these V.F.D.’s submarines
Have explored most of the waters
Fiona’s mother, quite a stunner
When I had caught her
The best crewman
That I have ever seen
(He has ever seen)
But she had an accident with
Some freak manatee!

Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, kids
A whale of a tale or two
‘Bout the submarines and that V.F.D.
On nights like this under the open seas
A whale of a tale and it’s all true,
I swear by my tattoo

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Fixer-Upper”


Klaus and Fiona’s relationship has undoubtedly attracted Captain Widdershins’s attention. While he was accusing the two of flirting while looking at charts, he’s promising Klaus to marry his stepdaughter and as well as set up Violet with Fiona’s long-lost brother should he ever return. Of course, in hindsight, I don’t think the latter would have chance in hell. For one, Fiona’s brother is twice Violet’s age. Second, the Baudelaires know the guy quite well and don’t like him much since he’s kind of “hooked up” in a bad way. Third, even if Fiona’s brother was a nice guy, Violet already has her heart set on Quigley which is very apparent when the Queequeg’s crew talks about maps. Then again, Captain Widdershins might only be speaking in jest and try to embarrass his stepdaughter. Meanwhile, Klaus and Fiona have more important things they want to discuss like the Sugar Bowl’s location. Then Klaus gets an idea that G.G. might be a cave when Captain Widdershins talks about Plato’s allegory.


The song I chose is “Fixer-Upper” from Frozen, in which Kristoff’s troll family wants to fix him up with Princess Anna despite that she’s sort of engaged to another man (not that it matters since she doesn’t know him well). It’s also a parody of many of Disney’s ongoing tropes as well. In this version, Captain Widdershins kind of nudges Klaus and Fiona to pursue their relationship though they have other things on their mind at the moment. While Violet tries interrupting the conversation on how to fix the Queequeg.



“Fixer-Upper” (ASOUE Version)

Captain Widdershins:
What’s the issue, Klaus? Why are you holding back from such a girl?

Is it the clumpy way she walks or the grumpy way she talks?
Or the pear-shaped, square-shaped weirdness of her feet?
And though we know she washes well-she always ends up sort of smelly
But you’ll never meet a woman who’s as sensitive and sweet!

So she’s a bit of a fixer-upper, so she’s got a few flaws
Like her peculiar brain-dear, her mushroom craze here
That’s a little outside of nature’s laws!

So she’s a bit of a fixer-upper, but this we’re certain of
You can fix this fixer-upper up with a little bit of love!

Can we please just stop talking about this?
We’ve got a real, actual problem here

Captain Widdershins:
I’ll say! So tell me, Klaus

Is it the way that she runs scared, or that she’s socially impaired
Or that she hasn’t seen her big brother in years—what?!
Or that when she was only three her mom got killed by a manatee
Or the way her shroom obsession is kind of weird

She’s just a bit of a fixer-upper, she’s got a couple of bugs
Her isolation is confirmation of her desperation for human hugs
So she’s a bit of a fixer-upper, but we know what to do
The way to fix up this fixer-upper is to fix her up with you!

Enough! I know where the Sugar Bowl is, okay?!

So we live in submarine fixer-upper, that’s a major thing
The steering’s screwy, the pipes are leaky
While I’m still stuck at this tele-thing
The Queequeg’s a fixer-upper but if you put me to it
I’ll get repairs out of your way and the whole thing will be fixed

Captain Widdershins:
That screen’s nothing. A philosopher named Plato would once say
That life is just shadows that we watch sitting across the wall of caves
Shadows of things much bigger and grander than themselves
Like more terrifying shapes (like more terrifying shapes)

So that must be the place!
G.G. must be some cave!

Captain Widdershins:
So Fiona’s a bit of a fixer-upper, but she’ll do for you I’m sure
We can set Vi with her long-lost brother, but then again, he’s too old for her
Everyone’s a bit of a fixer-upper, but when push comes to shove

The only fixer-upper fixer that can fix up a fixer-upper is

True, true, true, true, true, true, love
True love, love, love, love, love, true love


For God’s sake, I think I know where the Sugar Bowl is.

Captain Widdershins:
Wait, what!?

The Sugar Bowl!