A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Mine, Mine, Mine”

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Things get chaotic as the Queequeg crew is interrupted by an approaching submarine on the sonar. Symbolized by an eye logo, it’s a ship shaped like a giant octopus with many tentacles. But inside, they see Count Olaf. Fortunately, the shut down all of the Queequeg’s engines and remain as silent as possible until the octo-sub passes and Olaf doesn’t notice them. Just as things get more tense, they see a third shape of the question mark pass by as well that the crew doesn’t see. Yet, it seems to scare Count Olaf. Anyway, while I’m not sure what the Queequeg runs on and think it can possibly be a nuclear sub, the octo-sub is run by the labor of children from the Snow Scouts, Prufrock Prep, among others. Oh, and did I now tell you he intends to burn their parents’ houses and steal their fortunes?

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The song I chose here is another song from Pocahontas called “Mine, Mine, Mine” in which Governor Ratcliffe orders his men to dig for gold (and destroy the landscape in the process) while John Smith goes out to explore the forested and rocky tidewater region of Virginia (which doesn’t look like that in real life). In this version, I have Count Olaf sing about trying to get the Sugar Bowl as well as money from these kids he uses as child slave labor. I also have Fiona sing about the sub she just saw.

 

“Mine, Mine, Mine” (ASOUE Version)

Count Olaf:
The cash of Kornbluth
The Winnipeg moonstones
Will seem like mere trinkets
With the Baudelaire fortune
The cash these kids have
Dwarfs our captives’ combined
Oh, with all ya got in ya, kids

Mine, kids, along with their assets
But row, kids, row ‘til ya drop
Grab an oar, kids
Now, kids
Row like you know it
Then you’ll be taking us
To the Hotel Denouement
Your cash, it’s now mine, mine, mine

Rowers:
Row and row and row and rowety…
Row and row and row and rowety…

Hook-Handed Man:
Hey nonny nonny
Ho nonny nonny

Count Olaf:
Oh, how I love it!

Hook-Handed Man:
Hey nonny nonny
Ho nonny nonny

Count Olaf:
Riches for cheap!

Hook-Handed Man:
Hey nonny nonny
Ho nonny nonny

Count Olaf and Hook-Handed Man:
There’ll be heaps of it …

Count Olaf:
And I’ll be on top of the heap!

My rivals back home
It’s not that I’m bitter
But think how they’ll squirm
When they see my riches!
All of the hot dames
Would like being my bitches
The city will reward me
They’ll commend me, no, adore me!

They’re mine, mine, mine
For the taking
They’re mine, kids
Give me your cash!
With those assets snatched..

It’s riches they’ll give me
My hometown, the city
Will probably build me a shrine
When all of their cash…is mine!

Rowers:
Row and row and row and rowety…
Row and row and row and rowety…

Fiona:
All of my life, I have never seen any sub
Like this one
An octopus submarine so scary
I couldn’t design
Hundreds of dangers await
And I don’t plan to miss one
With Klaus as my mate
In this watery place
The greatest adventure is mine!

Count Olaf:
Keep on working, kids
Don’t be shirking, kids
Find, kids, find
Find me that bowl
The Sugar Bowl!

Rowers:
Find
He just makes us row
Doesn’t even let us go
Row! Row! and rowety
Row! Row! for that bowl

Troupe:
Don’t make us mad
Too bad!

Count Olaf:
Full speed ahead, kids
I’d help you to row, kids
But I’ve got this crick in me spine

Fiona:
This thing we behold…

Count Olaf:
Get the Sugar Bowl…

Fiona:
A girl can be bold!

Count Olaf:
It all can be sold!
And your cash
Is…
Mine!
Mine!
Mine!
Mine!

Rowers (simultaneously):
So go for that bowl
God, let it be here
We all live in fear
At this minute
We’re in deep shit if we can’t
Find!
Row and row and rowety-row!
Hey nonny nonny nonny we find!

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A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Hurricane”

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On the tidal charts, Fiona and Klaus see interesting locations. There’s Gulag Archipelago, which I think is a penal colony Count Olaf has been to a number of times. There’s the Mediocre Barrier Reef which doesn’t have anything worth seeing. Another location is Anwhistle Aquatics, founded by Aunt Josephine’s brother-in-law Gregor who I’m sure hasn’t seen or spoke to her in years. Not due to any bad blood between them. But that Josephine is afraid of like, everything and went on the deep end after her husband got eaten by the infamous Lachrymose leeches. Then we have the location G.G. which Klaus speculates the Sugar Bowl may be.

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The song I picked is “Hurricane” from Hamilton in which the title character describes how one destroyed his town in his Caribbean home and how he wrote his way out of hell for a new life in the colonies. Now that he found himself in the midst of a blackmail and sex scandal, he decides to write his way out of that, too, with the Reynolds Pamphlet. However, this results in the whole thing blowing in Alex’s face. In this version, I have Klaus describe his experience with Hurricane Herman and how he intends to read the maps to find the Sugar Bowl.

 

“Hurricane” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Klaus Baudelaire

Klaus:
In the eye of a hurricane
There is quiet
For just a moment
A yellow sky

When at Damocles a hurricane
Destroyed Jo’s house
We didn’t drown
We couldn’t seem to die

I read our way our
Read everything round far as I could see
I read our way out
Went to Curdled Cave to save Josephine

We sailed a boat across
The massive lake
We were worried about Josie
We went through Lake Lachrymose filled with
Fear that we might sure drown…

I read my way out of hell
I read my way to escape Count Olaf
I’m more precise than a ring of a bell
I read in the V.F.D. library after it fell
I read Isadora’s couplets, saved her and Duncan as well
And in the face of ignorance and indifference
I read to save my sister’s own existence
And now our aims to find the Sugar Bowl cause belligerence
I pick up the charts, I read our own deliverance

In the eye of a hurricane
There is quiet
For just a moment
A yellow sky

I was twelve when my parents died
We were at the beach
Our house burned and we were at the beach
We couldn’t seem to die

Fiona:
Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it…

Fiona and Crew:
Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it…
Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it, wait…

Klaus:
I’ll read our way out…
Read ev’rything round, far as I can see…
I’ll write our way out…
Overwhelm them with accuracy.

Crew:
Everyone has their eyes on you.

Klaus:
This is the eye of the hurricane, this is the only
Way I can find the Sugar Bowl…

Crew (save Klaus):
Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it, wait…

Klaus:
G.G. on this map.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Fiona”

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While all the Baudelaires get acquainted with Fiona to vary degrees, Klaus falls for her almost instantly. Though she’s originally supposed to work with Violet on the telegraph device, she ends up spending more time with her brother. Mostly because the device doesn’t need much fixing to begin with. Another reason is that they’re both teenagers with raging hormones and few opportunities. They’re also very bright. In fact, Fiona serves as the Queequeg’s head engineer despite not being a formal member of the crew and can actually understand some of Sunny’s speech. He’s also intrigued by her interest in mushrooms, which has nothing to do with recreational drug use. Then again, this is a thirteen-year-old boy who prefers his novels interspersed with Wikipedia entries. And I’m sure being a bit older than Violet with triangle glasses didn’t hurt either.

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Again, I go with West Side Story’s “Maria” which depicts Tony when he learns the name of the Puerto Rican girl he’s fallen in love with. In this version, Klaus sings Fiona’s name though at least I have get to know her a little more. But he’s nonetheless infatuated with her.

 

“Fiona”

Sung by Klaus Baudelaire

Fiona…

The most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard:
Fiona, Fiona, Fiona, Fiona…
All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word
Fiona, Fiona, Fiona, Fiona…
Fiona, Fiona…

Fiona!
I’ve just met a girl named Fiona
And suddenly that name
Will never be the same
To me

Fiona!
I’ve just kissed a girl named Fiona
And suddenly I’ve found
How wonderful a sound
Can be!

Fiona!
Say it loud and there’s music playing
Say it soft and it’s almost like praying
Fiona…
I’ll never stop saying Fiona!

Fiona! Fiona! Fiona! Fiona! Fiona!
Fiona! Fiona! Fiona! Fiona!

Say it loud and there’s music playing
Say it soft and it’s almost like praying
Fiona
I’ll never stop saying Fiona!
The most beautiful sound I ever heard
Fiona

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Come a Little Bit Closer”

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Meanwhile, Klaus and Fiona work on the tidal charts to find the Sugar Bowl’s location. They determine that the Maltese tea set item (in a reference to the Maltese Falcon, as if it’s highly sought after but probably not worth all the trouble), was probably carried out to sea. But tidal charts aren’t the only thing on their minds. After all, Captain Widdershins accuses the two of flirting when his stepdaughter tells Klaus of her passion for mushrooms, making her a mycologist. Though if ASOUE wasn’t a series aimed for children, Fiona’s shroom obsession would’ve played out very differently (like she was into getting high on them). Anyway, it’s not hard to see her immense liking to Klaus despite being him about 2-3 years younger than her. After all, she spent most of her time on the Queequeg, away from plenty of boys her own age (though she could’ve went to school for all I know). Other than her stepdad and the occasional volunteer crewman, Fiona doesn’t have a lot of opportunities. One day, this sweet and brilliant boy who’s been through hell and back shows up at the submarine. And keep in mind, she’s been following Klaus and his sisters’ stories for quite some time.

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Since this is a musical, any hint of sexual tension is bound to be exploited to the nth degree here, I decided to have Fiona sing “Come a Little Bit Closer” by Jay & the Americans which was featured in the second Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack. The original version tells a story of a young woman romantically involved with Jose but seduces the narrator with flattering words until he’s love-stricken. After they kiss and Jose chases the guy away, she uses the exact same words on him, suggesting she goes with the same script for every suitor.  In other words, she’s a player, y’all. In this version, I have Fiona entice Klaus since she’s the only guy she’s seen in a long time.

 

“Come a Little Bit Closer” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Fiona

On the Queequeg, I can sometimes feel kind of lonely
You don’t meet many people living on my stepdad’s submarine
But you arrived into my way
I wasn’t sure of what to say
And I knew, yes, I knew who you were
But I have to say

Come a little bit closer, you’re my kind of man
So sweet and so smart
Come a little bit closer, I’m all alone
In this place for so long

From the look on your face, your boyish gaze so inviting
But I just cannot resist just one little kiss so exciting
While we work on our tidal charts
I can’t help that you are so smart
Though I know, yes I know I should stop
But you just steal my heart

Come a little bit closer, you’re my kind of man
So sweet and so smart
Come a little bit closer, I’m all alone
In this place for so long

If you want to know, I’m very passionate about mushrooms
I’ll show you my mycology stuff if you come up to my room
So come take me by the hand
While we don’t see my stepdad
C’mon, Klaus, don’t be so shy
Hear what I say

Come a little bit closer, you’re my kind of man
So sweet and so smart
Come a little bit closer, I’m all alone
In this place for so long

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Beyond Broke Telegraph”

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After putting donning their uniforms, the Baudelaires get to work. Violet works on the telegraph device so the Queenqueg can receive Volunteer Factual Dispatches. Otherwise, all is lost. But despite pressure from Captain Widdershins, Violet doesn’t see much wrong with it though she makes a few minor repairs. Yet, she still can’t see why the submarine isn’t getting any messages. So she gets the idea that someone is sabotaging the system to keep volunteers from communicating with each other. That might explain why the Baudelaires weren’t able to hear a message from Mr. Poe. However, Violet would rather repair other stuff on the Queequeg like the steering and possibly the pipes. After all, in a submarine in such disrepair that many of its rooms are flooded, she has her work cut out for her.

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I know it’s straying a bit but I had to go with Jimmy Buffet’s “Coconut Telegraph” which consists of SSB networks are simply an organized meeting place on a particular radio frequency at an established time, where an unlimited number of boaters can meet and share the latest weather forecasts and local news. Nets are usually controlled by one person, who acts something like a telephone operator to direct the flow of callers. In other words, it’s a way of sharing information and stories between sailors and how they stay in touch between ports. In this version, I have Violet explaining to the captain that the telegram device’s problems are out of her range.

 

“Beyond Broke Telegraph”

Sung by Violet Baudelaire

Want me to fix the device
To get your latest dispatch
But I think you assigned me
To a near futile task

I’ve made a few minors repairs
Still can’t get anything through
If you can’t receive a message
Then I’m not sure what to do

You can’t hear it on the beyond broke telegraph
There’s nothing I can really do
You can’t hear it on the beyond broke telegraph
You can’t get a thing through
A thing through, a thing through

Your device really isn’t broken
Problem’s at the other end
No one’s sending any message
So I think we’re screwed, my friend

Someone’s disrupting the cable wires
Though I don’t know for sure
Think it may be Count Olaf
Though I can’t say anything more

You can’t hear it on the beyond broke telegraph
All the lines seem dead
You can’t hear it on the beyond broke telegraph
What is being said
Being said, what’s being said

Sorry, but I got to tell you
And the lines have all gone dead
Can’t seem to get any message
Can I fix your steering instead

We once tried to send a T-gram
To banker named Mr. Poe
Though he may be an asshole
Guess this case may be so

Tried to fix the beyond broke telegraph
But nothing can’t do the trick
Tried to fix the beyond broke telegraph
Seems like we’re in deep shit

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Down the Stricken Stream”

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With the menfolk out of the way, Captain Widdershins’ stepdaughter Fiona fills the Baudelaires in on what’s going on. She tells them that the Queequeg has been following their exploits in the Daily Punctilio for some time (though they try to distinguish fact from fiction on where the kids are). This explains why the sub appeared in the Stricken Stream instead of the places you normally find them: the ocean. They’ve also been receiving Volunteer Factual Dispatch telegrams about the Sugar Bowl’s location which has also brought them to the area. Since all the evidence points out that someone threw this Maltese tea set item out the window of V.F.D. headquarters and so has traveled down the Stricken Stream. She then shows them to their uniforms, which might prove quite large for them. Though she cues them that they’ll need diving helmets in case the sub’s walls collapse. But at least the Baudelaires get to sleep in bunk beds.

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The song I decided to go with is The Band’s “Up on Cripple Creek” which is about a truck driver who goes to Lake Charles, Louisiana to stay with a local girl named Bessie. During the song, he gambles, drinks, listens to music, and spends time with his “little Bessie” who takes an active role in the goings-on, while expressing her opinions further endearing herself to the narrator. After exhausting himself on the road, he talks about going home to his “big mama” which maybe his main woman or his dispatcher. In this version, I have Fiona explaining to the Baudelaires what’s really going on.

 

“Down the Stricken Stream”

Sung by Fiona

When we get out of this river
You know where we gonna go
Straight out into the ocean
To find the Sugar Bowl

The Queequeg searched for you all over
From the Punctilio as we knew
Though we have a way to filter lies
In order to get to the truth

Down the Stricken Stream, they send her
If it springs a leak we mend her
If we need to leave start the engines
A real machine, if I ever did see one

According to the dispatches
About the Sugar Bowl
Said it traveled downstream
After thrown out from a window

But if Count Olaf gets it
Then it’ll be for naught
So Klaus needs to see tidal charts
To know where it had gone

Down the Stricken Stream, they send her
If it springs a leak we mend her
If we need to leave start the engines
A real machine, if I ever did see one

Here’s we keep the uniforms
Yet, there’s no toddler one in stash
Though you’ll need a diving helmet
If walls collapse

Though my stepdad knew the Punctilio’s lies
Cause your troubles are too big
Not sure what it means
Than some small noble thing

Down the Stricken Stream, they send her
If it springs a leak we mend her
If we need to leave start the engines
A real machine, if I ever did see one

Now my stepdad won’t even tell me about
What’s with the Sugar Bowl
He says it’s an enormous secret
Though I’m not really sure

Now let me show you to your bunks
Hope you enjoy your sleep
Though I’m sure you’ve been through worse
So you won’t mind the least

Down the Stricken Stream, they send her
If it springs a leak we mend her
If we need to leave start the engines
A real machine, if I ever did see one

It’s cold in the Mortmain Mountains
In the Hinterlands, it’s red hot
And this living in this sub
Is kind go getting off

Cause after what happened to my mama
Got killed by manatee
Because you know it’s not so much fun
Being stuck with two middle-aged men

Down the Stricken Stream, they send her
If it springs a leak we mend her
If we need to leave start the engines
A real machine, if I ever did see one

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “On Aboard the Queequeg”

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As a submarine, the Queequeg comes with several features. Its Main Hall is the center of all operations with pipes jutting everywhere along with panels, gears, and tiny screens. The room is lit by a few green lights and tiny signs saying DANGER!, WARNING!, and HE OR SHE WHO HESITATES IS LOST! On the far side under an enormous porthole is a huge wooden table piled with books, maps, and dirty dishes. At the top of the rope ladder running up the side of the wall in the Main Hall is the Steering, a small shelf consisting of a large steering wheel along with a few rusty levers and switches that seem incredibly difficult to understand. Along the corridor also includes a kitchen, a supply closet, and barracks. Nonetheless, Captain Widdershins is pleased to have the Baudelaires on board. He wants Violet to repair the telegraph device, Klaus to read up on the charts to finding the elusive Sugar Bowl, and Sunny to help out Phil, the cook. Yes, that eternal optimist Phil from the Lucky Smells Lumbermill.

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Once again, I turned to Pocahontas and used, “The Virginia Company” song from the movie. In the original version, English settlers climb on board the Susan Constant in hopes of seeking God, gold, and glory as well as singing about tales of riches and freedom. Of course, they probably won’t find gold there. Yet, in real life, the first few years of Jamestown were an absolute hell but with less clashes with Indians and more instances of cannibalism. In this version, I have Captain Widdershins describe the Queequeg and the object of the Sugar Bowl.

 

“On Aboard the Queequeg”

Sung by Captain Widdershins

We’re on aboard the Queequeg
We run the open deep
That we must find the Sugar Bowl
In our leaky submarine

Vi can fix things with Fiona
Klaus can go read tidal charts
And Sunny can team up with Phil
Since his food gives me the farts

So we must find the Sugar Bowl
In our Queequeg submarine

Why, yes, our pipes are dripping
While we spring too many leaks
There are several rooms
You must avoid or the sub will sink

You’ll find the pipes all over
While they’re all springing leaks
But that is how we all will go
In our leaky submarine
So we must find the Sugar Bowl
In our Queequeg submarine