A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Climb Up the Mountain”

Violet on Mount Fraught

Violet and Quigley climb up the Mount Fraught’s frozen waterfall in a windswept valley proves with nothing but a candelabra and a few well-placed forks in their shoes. Not surprisingly, it proves to be a long and difficult. Though the forks work, Violet cautions Quigley not to celebrate too soon since they’re not back at the bottom yet. As they keep climbing, they discuss Isadora’s talent for couplets and marvel at the fact that so many people they’ve come in contact with are either involved with or know codes and have secret passageways in their houses. And how so many people were involved in an organization without any of the kids actually knowing about. Part way up the waterfall, they decide to take a break and eat some carrots.

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The song I chose is “Climb Every Mountain” from the Sound of Music. In the original version the Mother Superior tells Maria to follow her heart and be with the man she loves who’s Captain Von Trapp. In this version, Violet and Quigley climb Mount Fraught in their long and difficult journey up the frozen waterfall.

 

“Climb Up the Mountain”

Sung by Violet Baudelaire and Quigley Quagmire

Violet:
Climb up the mountain
Search high and low
Follow ev’ry by-way
Every path you know

Climb up the mountain
Scale up the height
With a candelabra hook
And forked shoes on ice

Quigley, take my hand
At the frozen waterfall
It’s so hard to climb
Like a slippery wall

Quigley:
Climb up the mountain
While Klaus decodes
Like so many people
In our lives we have known

Since my parents died
I have been so alone
My sibs are in the sky
But with you I shall go

Climb up the mountain
On the iced falls
Let’s sit and rest here
And take a break from it all

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A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Last Safe Place Fire”

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Turns out the person sending the signal from Mount Fraught while cooking lox. But the massive amount of smoke is making Count Olaf freak out because that could act like a great big sign giving his and his crew’s location. And he doesn’t want anyone to know where he is after starting that fire at the Caligari Carnival. Since nobody understands Sunny and she plays dumb when the two mysterious figures try questioning her. So Olaf and the two menacing characters discuss their plans right in front of her (though Olaf is somehow skeptical since he knows her since he dispatches her to clear away all the crumbs in his car). Now the new plan is to find the “last safe place” and burn it down. Luckily, when Sunny sees the green smoke coming from the bottom of the mountain, she knows exactly who’s sending it.

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The song I went with is Earth, Wind, and Fire’s “Serpentine Fire.” Because why not put another fire song in it? I mean the series has quite a few fires happen. In the original version, vocalist Philip Bailey commented that the “serpentine fire” metaphor: “Maurice [White] at that point in time in our career was studying a lot of metaphysics and a lot of Eastern philosophy, and the ‘Serpentine Fire’ – I’m not an expert on that whole thing, because I had to ask him myself [to explain] – but it’s actually the sex drive – or sexual impulse.” In this version, I have Count Olaf discussing his plan to burn the “last safe place.”

 

“Last Safe Place Fire”

Sung by Count Olaf

All this green smoke at the mountain camp makes me want to freak
It’s advertises where we are so that anyone can climb to see
We have a new scheme, of which you’d be amazed
We must locate, where volunteers go as the last safe place
And once they gather around, we can light all our matches to conflagrate

Got a whole new scheme for burning glory setting the last safe place on fire
Got a whole new scheme for burning glory setting the last safe place on fire

Oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah, oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah
Can we just not say the location name in front of the baby
She may be helpless but she’s nowhere dumb as she may seem
Now, Sunny, get off you ass and clean my car
Pick up all the crumbs, I know you play dumb but don’t stray far (or you’re dead)

Got a whole new scheme for burning glory setting the last safe place on fire
Surely as flames consume, we’ll toast to doom setting the last safe place on fire

Oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah, oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah
Surely as flames consume, we’ll toast to doom setting the last safe place on fire
Surely as flames consume, we’ll toast to doom setting the last safe place on fire
Got a whole new scheme for burning glory setting the last safe place on fire

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Green Smoke”

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Though the Baudelaires regret not learning about all the V.F.D. stuff while living with Uncle Monty, Violet points out they were busy with other things while living there. Nonetheless, they fill Quigley on Jacques Snicket’s death and his siblings’ rescue by Hector and current situation in his Self-Sustaining Hot Air Mobile Home so it’s unlikely their brother will reunite with them anytime soon. As speculation turns to where Sunny, Count Olaf, and his henchmen are, they decide that Olaf probably didn’t burn down the V.F.D. headquarters which was done gradually to so no one noticed. Yet, they also see green smoke coming from Mount Fraught via a Verdant Flammable Device. Though they’re not sure whether it’s from a fellow volunteer signaling to see if there are any survivors or if it’s a trap trying to get someone to go up and do terrible things to them. Using a mirror towards the waterfall, Violet lights a green tube to signal back. She then invents crampons of forks and ukulele strings along with a candelabra grappling hook for her and Quigley to scale up the frozen waterfall of Mount Fraught. Meanwhile Klaus decides to stay behind with a new commonplace book Quigley gave him and figure out the Verbal Fridge Dialogue.

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I chose CSNY’s “Wooden Ships” which depicts nuclear holocaust survivors and the horrors they face. The wooden ships are their only hope for survival with radiation poisoning killing those who don’t make it aboard. Even by ASOUE standards, it’s incredibly bleak since nuclear annihilation is the ultimate unfortunate event that would kill everyone. In this version, I have Violet, Klaus, and Quigley spot green smoke and plan what to do next.

 

“Green Smoke”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire and Quigley Quagmire

Violet:
Jacques Snicket’s dead hope you understand
While your siblings
Are in Hector’s self-sustaining hot airship

Klaus:
Where is Count Olaf and his crew of degenerates
They’ve got our sister Sunny
Not sure how she’s doing

Why didn’t we know about V.F.D. with Uncle Monty?

Violet:
We had other things
Though Olaf didn’t start this fire, it was a slow burn
So nobody would ever notice

Quigley:
Green smoke on the mountain at Fraught’s peak
Volunteer must’ve survived and signals to see
Or it may be a trap so we must flee
Signal that we three now see them
Can’t light the Verdant Flame Device
Scoutmaster Bruce had just pinched mine
Thinks they’re not for any child
Do either of you have any ideas?

Violet:
Aaaah …
Here’s the mirror from the caravan
Direct to frozen waterfall and refract
Make our green smoke while we can
Best we must climb, let’s go Quigley

Klaus:
You two go climb
While I stay here and figure this fridge message
With my commonplace book

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Me and the Baudelaires Up on the Mountain”

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Of course, Quigley’s reveal is a massive bombshell that Violet and Klaus didn’t see coming since he was thought dead for the last 5 books at least. Hell, Violet basically tells Quigley that he’s dead while Klaus reminded him that he burned up with his parents. But that isn’t so, because his mom told him to hide in a trapdoor leading to a tunnel while she went to look for Duncan and Isadora. But no one came back for him so he couldn’t get out of the secret passageway. So he decided to follow it, which led him to Dr. Montgomery’s which was already empty. There he found out about his parents’ death and his siblings going to Prufrock Prep from a newspaper. He planned to go and meet them. But Jacques Snicket showed up and told him what he knew about V.F.D., which he thinks stands for Volunteer Fire Department as well as fights fires. Jacques also told Quigley about the schism, the insignia, codes, the schism, and the Baudelaires whom he needed to find “before it was too late.” He then left the boy for Paltryville and never came back. Shortly after, Quigley left for Paltryville due to hearing about Count Olaf kidnapping his siblings and Uncle Monty’s house being on fire. There, he visited Dr. Orwell’s office before joining the Snow Scouts. And like the Baudelaires, he too, was hoping to find more information.

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Once again, I turn to Paul Simon with his “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard.” The original version about two boys breaking the law where they’re arrested after a police call. Though a “radical priest” intervenes who’s many people have thought was a Berrigan brother. Though some have thought the boys were buying recreational drugs. In this version, Quigley describes his time from the fire at Quagmire Mansion to meeting the Baudelaires.

 

“Me and the Baudelaires Up on the Mountain”

Sung by Quigley Quagmire

While in the library, I saw glass break
During the fire at Quagmire Mansion
When mama found out, she told me to hide out
Under a trapdoor for my protection

She told me to wait, while she got my sibs
But she didn’t come, no, she didn’t come

I stayed underground and walked through a tunnel
That took me to Dr. Montgomery’s
There I found out my folks died
While by siblings were sent to Prufrock Preparatory

I’m on my way
I don’t know where I’m goin’
I’m on my way, I’m takin’ my time
But I don’t know where
Looking for Duncan and Isadora
See us, me and the Baudelaires up on the mountain
See us, me and the Baudelaires up on the mountain

Whoah!
Then Jacques Snicket arrived told me about you guys
He tried to track for weeks
Taught me everything about V.F.D. before he left me
Stayed till a fire forced me to leave

And I’m on my way
I don’t know where I’m goin’
I’m on my way, I’m takin’ my time
But I don’t know where
Looking for Duncan, and Isadora
See us, me and the Baudelaires up on the mountain
See us, me and the Baudelaires up on the mountain
See us, me and the Baudelaires up on the mountain

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Who Am I?”

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The elder Baudelaires and the sweatered scout find themselves among V.F.D.’s headquarters’ ruins. The only thing remaining unscathed was the refrigerator. But the waterfall next to the kitchen solves the mystery why the water was a greyish black. Nonetheless, Violet and Klaus are dismayed because they hoped to find their surviving parent as well as the answers to the questions they’ve had on their minds. They even call out for their parents to see if anyone was in there or whether they showed up. After all, they were supposed to be there. Violet asked whether anyone would be at headquarters during the fire, but the sweater scout says there’s no way of knowing for sure. After their guide tells them they’re all alone, Klaus then rants about page 13 of the Snicket File and the fact there was supposed to be a survivor of the fire and the survivor was supposed to be here. Yet, the scout tells the elder Baudelaires that the survivor is here before removing his fencing mask and revealing himself as Quigley Quagmire.

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The song I chose is “Who Am I?” from Les Miserables. In the original version, Jean Valjean wrestles with his conscience over Javert’s announcement that the authorities captured an innocent man under his name. But he ultimately decides to go to that innocent man’s trial despite having every reason not to like a factory he owns and the fact he’s the mayor of the town. In this version, I have Violet and Klaus being upset over the burned V.F.D. headquarters and Quigley wrestling to reveal himself. Though to be fair, in the books, I don’t think he had to think too hard about removing his fencing mask.

 

“Who Am I?” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire and Quigley Quagmire

Klaus:
V.F.D. base is in ruins
Before we had a chance
Guess that is the answer
To all that grayish black

Violet:
Where is our Mom or Dad?
I’m sure we can’t be wrong
When we have come so far
And struggled for so long?

Quigley:
I’m afraid we’re alone
Anyone inside, we can’t know

Klaus:
The Snicket File said one of our parents
Survived the house fire
Olivia said that the survivor
would be right here
Yet, no one replies

Now we’re here V.F.D.’s burned
No parent here, just a lone fridge

Quigley:
Who am I?
Can I condemn these two to secrecy
Pretend I do not feel their agony
They thought they’d see their mom or dad
And now they’re feeling they’ve been had

Who am I?
Can I conceal myself for evermore?
Pretend I’m not the boy I was before?
And take this mask upon my face
Reveal myself while in this place?
Must I lie?
How can I ever face my fellow men?
How can I ever face myself again?
I’ve spent so many days alone
Writing in this book with what I know
It gave me hope when hope was gone
It gave me strength to carry on

Who am I? Who am I?
Quigley Quagmire

So Baudelaires, as I recall
There’s a survivor after all!
Who am I?
Quigley Quagmire!

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Vertical Flame Diversion”

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While Sunny is cooking a salmon dish, her older siblings scale through the Vertical Flame Diversion with a mysterious stranger as their guide. This secret passageway is a chimney in the back of the cave. Inscribed with footnotes on a side, it’s supposed to stop caves from filling with smoke when a fire’s lit. The boy states that the Valley of Four Drafts is named because that’s where the tunnel comes out while the smoke is “scattered four winds” which they had to conceal from suspicion. The sweatered scout also pulls out some green tubes resembling cigarettes. But they’re actually Verdant Flammable Devices that give off green smoke to let volunteers know where they are. The sweatered scout then produces a purple commonplace book and reveals a map he constructed all by himself based on what he’s read. They then reach the Vernacularly Fastened Door which requires language to open it with three questions. Violet answers the first as Sir Isaac Newton. The scout answers the second as Panthera Leo. Klaus answers the third pertaining to the central theme of Anna Karenina with tragedy. Though the reader knows that they’d find the remains of a burnt V.F.D. headquarters, the children are obviously astonished by what they see.

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Once again, I turn to Phantom of the Opera with “Angel of Music.” In the original version, Christine talks about her mysterious singing teacher she refers to as this. But we all know he’s Erik, the Phantom who’s all out creeping on her. In this version, I have the Baudelaires go through the Vertical Flame Diversion with their mysterious sweatered guide.

 

“Vertical Flame Diversion”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire and Quigley Quagmire

Quigley:
Let’s hide the sneak off so they won’t catch us.
C’mon, follow me

Violet and Klaus:
Okay.

Violet:
Where in the world have we been going
Really, we don’t know this
I only wish I knew your secret
Guide through this tunnel

Quigley:
Well,
The Valley of Four Drafts is named
Because that’s where the tunnel comes out
And the smoke is ‘scattered to the four winds
We must hide the smoke
To avoid suspicion

Klaus:
Our dad had those in his desks
Always thought he’d smoke one
When my mom wasn’t looking

Quigley:
Oh, these aren’t cigarettes
They’re Verdant Flame Devices
They give off green smoke
To allow volunteers to see where they are

Quigley:
Anyway,
I’ve made a map in this book
Based on what I have read
We must see a Vernacularly
Fastened Door here
We must enter phrases to 3 questions
For the door to open
What’s the Latin name for cat detectives
Oh, it’s Panthera Leo

Violet:
Who is scientist most widely cited
To first define gravity
That hast to be Sir Isaac Newton
As we all can see

Klaus:
What is the theme
Of Anna Karenina
By the late Leo Tolstoy

Violet:
I have no idea
What?

Klaus:
A rural life
Of simple morals
Better than rash tragedy

Violet:
Thank you, Klaus, it’s open

Klaus:
My hands are cold

Violet:
So are mine

Klaus:
At least there are no snow gnats

Violet:
Oh, holy shit!

Klaus:
Oh, Jesus Christ!

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Ring of Fire”

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After the breakfast disaster, Count Olaf has the Hook-Handed Man to catch salmon for Sunny to prepare instead. Though the White-Faced Women do attempt to stand up with her, suggesting that someone else cook instead, especially if there isn’t a fire. Then a couple of menacing figures show up on Mount Fraught to tell Olaf that they burned the V.F.D. headquarters at the Valley of Four Drafts. Yet, at least all the volunteers had already left. These two are so mysterious that Lemony Snicket refers to them as “the man with a beard but no hair and the woman with hair but no beard.” Esme complains about Sunny’s service which the woman sympathizes with since she had her own infant servant before the schism as well as how much trouble the Baudelaire parents caused the two mysterious figures. Count Olaf tells the two figures that he and his associates burned down the Caligari Carnival over evidence of a hidden souvenir. Impressed, the mysterious figures give him the rest of the Snicket File as a reward and Esme a green cigarette. So the newcomers, Olaf, and Esme go into the tent while Sunny makes lox from the Hook-Handed Man’s salmon.

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The song I chose here was Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” which was written by his wife June Carter. The original version obviously pertains to love and an all-consuming passion depending on how you interpret it. In this version, I have the Count Olaf and the mysterious newcomers discuss the fires they started. Of course, given that a lot of fires happen in A Series of Unfortunate Events, parodying this song is long overdue.

 

“Ring of Fire” (ASOUE Version)”

Man with Beard and No Hair:
V.F.D. is up in flames
Volunteers are all away
We made it all a pyre
And we set a ring of fire

Woman with Hair and No Beard:
It went into a burnin’ ring of fire
It went down, down, down
And the flames went higher
And it burns, burns, burns
The ring of fire, the ring of fire

It went into a burnin’ ring of fire
It went down, down, down
And the flames went higher
And it burns, burns, burns
The ring of fire, the ring of fire

Count Olaf:
There was a hidden souvenir
At a carnival not far from here
We set the fair on fire
Oh, and the fire went wild

It went into a burnin’ ring of fire
It went down, down, down
And the flames went higher
And it burns, burns, burns
The ring of fire, the ring of fire

It went into a burnin’ ring of fire
It went down, down, down
And the flames went higher
And it burns, burns, burns
The ring of fire, the ring of fire

And it burns, burns, burns
The ring of fire, the ring of fire
The ring of fire, the ring of fire
The ring of fire