Violet and Quigley climb up the Mount Fraught’s frozen waterfall in a windswept valley proves with nothing but a candelabra and a few well-placed forks in their shoes. Not surprisingly, it proves to be a long and difficult. Though the forks work, Violet cautions Quigley not to celebrate too soon since they’re not back at the bottom yet. As they keep climbing, they discuss Isadora’s talent for couplets and marvel at the fact that so many people they’ve come in contact with are either involved with or know codes and have secret passageways in their houses. And how so many people were involved in an organization without any of the kids actually knowing about. Part way up the waterfall, they decide to take a break and eat some carrots.

The song I chose is “Climb Every Mountain” from the Sound of Music. In the original version the Mother Superior tells Maria to follow her heart and be with the man she loves who’s Captain Von Trapp. In this version, Violet and Quigley climb Mount Fraught in their long and difficult journey up the frozen waterfall.

“Climb Up the Mountain”

Sung by Violet Baudelaire and Quigley Quagmire

Violet:
Climb up the mountain
Search high and low
Follow ev’ry by-way
Every path you know

Climb up the mountain
Scale up the height
With a candelabra hook
And forked shoes on ice

Quigley, take my hand
At the frozen waterfall
It’s so hard to climb
Like a slippery wall

Quigley:
Climb up the mountain
While Klaus decodes
Like so many people
In our lives we have known

Since my parents died
I have been so alone
My sibs are in the sky
But with you I shall go

Climb up the mountain
On the iced falls
Let’s sit and rest here
And take a break from it all

Turns out the person sending the signal from Mount Fraught while cooking lox. But the massive amount of smoke is making Count Olaf freak out because that could act like a great big sign giving his and his crew’s location. And he doesn’t want anyone to know where he is after starting that fire at the Caligari Carnival. Since nobody understands Sunny and she plays dumb when the two mysterious figures try questioning her. So Olaf and the two menacing characters discuss their plans right in front of her (though Olaf is somehow skeptical since he knows her since he dispatches her to clear away all the crumbs in his car). Now the new plan is to find the “last safe place” and burn it down. Luckily, when Sunny sees the green smoke coming from the bottom of the mountain, she knows exactly who’s sending it.

The song I went with is Earth, Wind, and Fire’s “Serpentine Fire.” Because why not put another fire song in it? I mean the series has quite a few fires happen. In the original version, vocalist Philip Bailey commented that the “serpentine fire” metaphor: “Maurice [White] at that point in time in our career was studying a lot of metaphysics and a lot of Eastern philosophy, and the ‘Serpentine Fire’ – I’m not an expert on that whole thing, because I had to ask him myself [to explain] – but it’s actually the sex drive – or sexual impulse.” In this version, I have Count Olaf discussing his plan to burn the “last safe place.”

“Last Safe Place Fire”

Sung by Count Olaf

All this green smoke at the mountain camp makes me want to freak
It’s advertises where we are so that anyone can climb to see
We have a new scheme, of which you’d be amazed
We must locate, where volunteers go as the last safe place
And once they gather around, we can light all our matches to conflagrate

Got a whole new scheme for burning glory setting the last safe place on fire
Got a whole new scheme for burning glory setting the last safe place on fire

Oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah, oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah
Can we just not say the location name in front of the baby
She may be helpless but she’s nowhere dumb as she may seem
Now, Sunny, get off you ass and clean my car
Pick up all the crumbs, I know you play dumb but don’t stray far (or you’re dead)

Got a whole new scheme for burning glory setting the last safe place on fire
Surely as flames consume, we’ll toast to doom setting the last safe place on fire

Oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah, oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah
Surely as flames consume, we’ll toast to doom setting the last safe place on fire
Surely as flames consume, we’ll toast to doom setting the last safe place on fire
Got a whole new scheme for burning glory setting the last safe place on fire

Though the Baudelaires regret not learning about all the V.F.D. stuff while living with Uncle Monty, Violet points out they were busy with other things while living there. Nonetheless, they fill Quigley on Jacques Snicket’s death and his siblings’ rescue by Hector and current situation in his Self-Sustaining Hot Air Mobile Home so it’s unlikely their brother will reunite with them anytime soon. As speculation turns to where Sunny, Count Olaf, and his henchmen are, they decide that Olaf probably didn’t burn down the V.F.D. headquarters which was done gradually to so no one noticed. Yet, they also see green smoke coming from Mount Fraught via a Verdant Flammable Device. Though they’re not sure whether it’s from a fellow volunteer signaling to see if there are any survivors or if it’s a trap trying to get someone to go up and do terrible things to them. Using a mirror towards the waterfall, Violet lights a green tube to signal back. She then invents crampons of forks and ukulele strings along with a candelabra grappling hook for her and Quigley to scale up the frozen waterfall of Mount Fraught. Meanwhile Klaus decides to stay behind with a new commonplace book Quigley gave him and figure out the Verbal Fridge Dialogue.

I chose CSNY’s “Wooden Ships” which depicts nuclear holocaust survivors and the horrors they face. The wooden ships are their only hope for survival with radiation poisoning killing those who don’t make it aboard. Even by ASOUE standards, it’s incredibly bleak since nuclear annihilation is the ultimate unfortunate event that would kill everyone. In this version, I have Violet, Klaus, and Quigley spot green smoke and plan what to do next.

“Green Smoke”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire and Quigley Quagmire

Violet:
Jacques Snicket’s dead hope you understand
While your siblings
Are in Hector’s self-sustaining hot airship

Klaus:
Where is Count Olaf and his crew of degenerates?
They’ve got our sister Sunny
Not sure how she’s doing

Why didn’t we know about V.F.D. with Uncle Monty?

Violet:
We had other things
Though Olaf didn’t start this fire, it was a slow burn
So nobody would ever notice

Quigley:
Green smoke on the mountain at Fraught’s peak
Volunteer must’ve survived and signals to see
Or it may be a trap so we must flee
Signal that we three now see them
Can’t light the Verdant Flame Device
Scoutmaster Bruce had just pinched mine
Thinks they’re not for any child
Do either of you have any ideas?

Violet:
Aaaah …
Here’s the mirror from the caravan
Direct to frozen waterfall and refract
Make our green smoke while we can
Best we must climb, let’s go Quigley

Klaus:
You two go climb
While I stay here and figure this fridge message
With my commonplace book

Of course, Quigley’s reveal is a massive bombshell that Violet and Klaus didn’t see coming since he was thought dead for the last 5 books at least. Hell, Violet basically tells Quigley that he’s dead while Klaus reminded him that he burned up with his parents. But that isn’t so, because his mom told him to hide in a trapdoor leading to a tunnel while she went to look for Duncan and Isadora. But no one came back for him so he couldn’t get out of the secret passageway. So he decided to follow it, which led him to Dr. Montgomery’s which was already empty. There he found out about his parents’ death and his siblings going to Prufrock Prep from a newspaper. He planned to go and meet them. But Jacques Snicket showed up and told him what he knew about V.F.D., which he thinks stands for Volunteer Fire Department as well as fights fires. Jacques also told Quigley about the schism, the insignia, codes, the schism, and the Baudelaires whom he needed to find “before it was too late.” He then left the boy for Paltryville and never came back. Shortly after, Quigley left for Paltryville due to hearing about Count Olaf kidnapping his siblings and Uncle Monty’s house being on fire. There, he visited Dr. Orwell’s office before joining the Snow Scouts. And like the Baudelaires, he too, was hoping to find more information.

Once again, I turn to Paul Simon with his “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard.” The original version about two boys breaking the law where they’re arrested after a police call. Though a “radical priest” intervenes who’s many people have thought was a Berrigan brother. Though some have thought the boys were buying recreational drugs. In this version, Quigley describes his time from the fire at Quagmire Mansion to meeting the Baudelaires.

“Me and the Baudelaires Up on the Mountain”

Sung by Quigley Quagmire

While in the library, I saw glass break
During the fire at Quagmire Mansion
When mama found out, she told me to hide out
Under a trapdoor for my protection

She told me to wait, while she got my sibs
But she didn’t come, no, she didn’t come

I stayed underground and walked through a tunnel
That took me to Dr. Montgomery’s
There I found out my folks died
While by siblings were sent to Prufrock Preparatory

I’m on my way
I don’t know where I’m goin’
I’m on my way, I’m takin’ my time
But I don’t know where
Looking for Duncan and Isadora
See us, me and the Baudelaires up on the mountain
See us, me and the Baudelaires up on the mountain

Whoah!
Then Jacques Snicket arrived told me about you guys
He tried to track for weeks
Taught me everything about V.F.D. before he left me
Stayed till a fire forced me to leave

And I’m on my way
I don’t know where I’m goin’
I’m on my way, I’m takin’ my time
But I don’t know where
Looking for Duncan, and Isadora
See us, me and the Baudelaires up on the mountain
See us, me and the Baudelaires up on the mountain
See us, me and the Baudelaires up on the mountain

The elder Baudelaires and the sweatered scout find themselves among V.F.D.’s headquarters’ ruins. The only thing remaining unscathed was the refrigerator. But the waterfall next to the kitchen solves the mystery why the water was a greyish black. Nonetheless, Violet and Klaus are dismayed because they hoped to find their surviving parent as well as the answers to the questions they’ve had on their minds. They even call out for their parents to see if anyone was in there or whether they showed up. After all, they were supposed to be there. Violet asked whether anyone would be at headquarters during the fire, but the sweater scout says there’s no way of knowing for sure. After their guide tells them they’re all alone, Klaus then rants about page 13 of the Snicket File and the fact there was supposed to be a survivor of the fire and the survivor was supposed to be here. Yet, the scout tells the elder Baudelaires that the survivor is here before removing his fencing mask and revealing himself as Quigley Quagmire.

The song I chose is “Who Am I?” from Les Miserables. In the original version, Jean Valjean wrestles with his conscience over Javert’s announcement that the authorities captured an innocent man under his name. But he ultimately decides to go to that innocent man’s trial despite having every reason not to like a factory he owns and the fact he’s the mayor of the town. In this version, I have Violet and Klaus being upset over the burned V.F.D. headquarters and Quigley wrestling to reveal himself. Though to be fair, in the books, I don’t think he had to think too hard about removing his fencing mask.

“Who Am I?” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire and Quigley Quagmire

Klaus:
V.F.D. base is in ruins
Before we had a chance
Guess that is the answer
To all that grayish black

Violet:
Where is our Mom or Dad?
I’m sure we can’t be wrong
When we have come so far
And struggled for so long?

Quigley:
I’m afraid we’re alone
Anyone inside, we can’t know

Klaus:
The Snicket File said one of our parents
Survived the house fire
Olivia said that the survivor
Would be right here
Yet, no one replies

Now we’re here V.F.D.’s burned
No parent here, just a lone fridge

Quigley:
Who am I?
Can I condemn these two to secrecy
Pretend I do not feel their agony
They thought they’d see their mom or dad
And now they’re feeling they’ve been had

Who am I?
Can I conceal myself for evermore?
Pretend I’m not the boy I was before?
And take this mask upon my face
Reveal myself while in this place?
Must I lie?
How can I ever face my fellow men?
How can I ever face myself again?
I’ve spent so many days alone
Writing in this book with what I know
It gave me hope when hope was gone
It gave me strength to carry on

Who am I? Who am I?
Quigley Quagmire

So Baudelaires, as I recall
There’s a survivor after all!
Who am I?
Quigley Quagmire!

While Sunny is cooking a salmon dish, her older siblings scale through the Vertical Flame Diversion with a mysterious stranger as their guide. This secret passageway is a chimney in the back of the cave. Inscribed with footnotes on a side, it’s supposed to stop caves from filling with smoke when a fire’s lit. The boy states that the Valley of Four Drafts is named because that’s where the tunnel comes out while the smoke is “scattered four winds” which they had to conceal from suspicion. The sweatered scout also pulls out some green tubes resembling cigarettes. But they’re actually Verdant Flammable Devices that give off green smoke to let volunteers know where they are. The sweatered scout then produces a purple commonplace book and reveals a map he constructed all by himself based on what he’s read. They then reach the Vernacularly Fastened Door which requires language to open it with three questions. Violet answers the first as Sir Isaac Newton. The scout answers the second as Panthera Leo. Klaus answers the third pertaining to the central theme of Anna Karenina with tragedy. Though the reader knows that they’d find the remains of a burnt V.F.D. headquarters, the children are obviously astonished by what they see.

Once again, I turn to Phantom of the Opera with “Angel of Music.” In the original version, Christine talks about her mysterious singing teacher she refers to as this. But we all know he’s Erik, the Phantom who’s all out creeping on her. In this version, I have the Baudelaires go through the Vertical Flame Diversion with their mysterious sweatered guide.

“Vertical Flame Diversion”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire and Quigley Quagmire

Quigley:
Let’s hide the sneak off so they won’t catch us.
C’mon, follow me

Violet and Klaus:
Okay.

Violet:
Where in the world have we been going
Really, we don’t know this
I only wish I knew your secret
Guide through this tunnel

Quigley:
Well,
The Valley of Four Drafts is named
Because that’s where the tunnel comes out
And the smoke is ‘scattered to the four winds
We must hide the smoke
To avoid suspicion

Klaus:
Our dad had those in his desks
Always thought he’d smoke one
When my mom wasn’t looking

Quigley:
Oh, these aren’t cigarettes
They’re Verdant Flame Devices
They give off green smoke
To allow volunteers to see where they are

Quigley:
Anyway,
I’ve made a map in this book
Based on what I have read
We must see a Vernacularly
Fastened Door here
We must enter phrases to 3 questions
For the door to open
What’s the Latin name for cat detectives
Oh, it’s Panthera Leo

Violet:
Who is scientist most widely cited
To first define gravity
That hast to be Sir Isaac Newton
As we all can see

Klaus:
What is the theme
Of Anna Karenina
By the late Leo Tolstoy

Violet:
I have no idea
What?

Klaus:
A rural life
Of simple morals
Better than rash tragedy

Violet:
Thank you, Klaus, it’s open

Klaus:
My hands are cold

Violet:
So are mine

Klaus:
At least there are no snow gnats

Violet:
Oh, holy shit!

Klaus:
Oh, Jesus Christ!

After the breakfast disaster, Count Olaf has the Hook-Handed Man to catch salmon for Sunny to prepare instead. Though the White-Faced Women do attempt to stand up with her, suggesting that someone else cook instead, especially if there isn’t a fire. Then a couple of menacing figures show up on Mount Fraught to tell Olaf that they burned the V.F.D. headquarters at the Valley of Four Drafts. Yet, at least all the volunteers had already left. These two are so mysterious that Lemony Snicket refers to them as “the man with a beard but no hair and the woman with hair but no beard.” Esme complains about Sunny’s service which the woman sympathizes with since she had her own infant servant before the schism as well as how much trouble the Baudelaire parents caused the two mysterious figures. Count Olaf tells the two figures that he and his associates burned down the Caligari Carnival over evidence of a hidden souvenir. Impressed, the mysterious figures give him the rest of the Snicket File as a reward and Esme a green cigarette. So the newcomers, Olaf, and Esme go into the tent while Sunny makes lox from the Hook-Handed Man’s salmon.

The song I chose here was Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” which was written by his wife June Carter. The original version obviously pertains to love and an all-consuming passion depending on how you interpret it. In this version, I have the Count Olaf and the mysterious newcomers discuss the fires they started. Of course, given that a lot of fires happen in A Series of Unfortunate Events, parodying this song is long overdue.

“Ring of Fire” (ASOUE Version)”

Man with Beard and No Hair:
V.F.D. is up in flames
Volunteers are all away
We made it all a pyre
And we set a ring of fire

Woman with Hair and No Beard:
It went into a burnin’ ring of fire
It went down, down, down
And the flames went higher
And it burns, burns, burns
The ring of fire, the ring of fire

It went into a burnin’ ring of fire
It went down, down, down
And the flames went higher
And it burns, burns, burns
The ring of fire, the ring of fire

Count Olaf:
There was a hidden souvenir
At a carnival not far from here
We set the fair on fire
Oh, and the fire went wild

It went into a burnin’ ring of fire
It went down, down, down
And the flames went higher
And it burns, burns, burns
The ring of fire, the ring of fire

It went into a burnin’ ring of fire
It went down, down, down
And the flames went higher
And it burns, burns, burns
The ring of fire, the ring of fire

And it burns, burns, burns
The ring of fire, the ring of fire
The ring of fire, the ring of fire
The ring of fire

Meanwhile at Mount Fraught’s summit, Sunny spent her first night sleeping in a casserole dish in Count Olaf’s trunk. She was freezing cold and found it hard to nod off due to her teeth clattering that she bit her lip. Yet as soon as she started to get to sleep, Count Olaf woke her up and demands she make breakfast for him and his entourage. Now this is an impossible task for a baby, even one like Sunny. Besides, she doesn’t want to start a fire because of all the fires she and her siblings have endured before. Besides, her parents died in one. Not to mention, all the food in the trunk froze overnight. Still, being able to insult her captor at least makes the experience bearable. Sure Olaf and his troupe complains she’s not working fast enough. But Sunny does her best. When she has everything ready, she sets a nice table on a blanket covered stone with a centerpiece. Yet, despite preparing breakfast as a mere toddler, no one is impressed. In fact, Olaf rips the blanket off the stone and throws food everywhere as well as berates the little girl for not giving him a hot breakfast. In fact, he’s ready to throw her off the mountain until Esme intercedes saying that if he threw off Sunny, they won’t get the Baudelaire fortune.

The song I picked for this scene is “The Work Song” from Cinderella where her mouse friends are talking about how hard Cinderella has it waiting on her stepmother and stepsisters hand and foot. So they decide to make a dress for her to wear at the ball (though the stepsisters destroy it later). Now despite liking Disney movies, Cinderella has never been any of my favorites. But I use it anyone because it matches Count Olaf’s demanding nature toward Sunny. And in this version, he makes her get breakfast.

“Baby Sunny”

Sung by Count Olaf

Baby Sunny, Baby Sunny
Wake out now, I’m not funny
Make the fire, fix the breakfast
Get right to it, quit complaining
Don’t ask me, quit your babbling
Should I have to keep explaining?

She babbles like a parrot
While she’s very, very busy
Still I holler
Get the breakfast, Baby Sunny!

Why you floss, you don’t need it
Unless your victim has a weak neck
Your hooks and hands fight’s just stupid
There’s nothing to it, really
No one cares about your problems
So you can screw it

We’ll cover this large stone
With this blanket for a table
For God’s sake make us breakfast, Baby Sunny

Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry
Pick the slack up, Baby Sunny
Got no time to dilly-dally
You gotta get a-goin’
Don’t make us wait forever!
What’s with all the slowing
Can you get a fucking move on?
Since we’re all fucking starving

Do you really call this this breakfast, Baby Sunny?
See how you’d like a mountain drop, Baby Sunny

When they join the Snow Scouts, Bruce ask the elder Baudelaires to tell a story as they eat marshmallows before bed. But Carmelita thinks everyone should listen to her story, which is mostly a boring yard on how wonderful she is. Yet, there’s a boy Snow Scout in a sweater who’s conveying to them in V.F.D. terms like “Volunteer Feline Detectives” and “Very Fine Drama.” Violet and Klaus relay to the sweater boy with terms like they’re not having a “Very Fun Day,” the last thing they ate was “Vinegar-Flavored Donuts,” the snow gnats are “Violent Frozen Dragonflies” and like “Voracious Fierce Dragon.” The sweatered scout suggests “Vain Fat Dictator.” Bruce later gets bored with their banter so he lets Carmelita tell her tale. After everyone goes to bed, the sweatered boy wakes the elder Baudelaires, and tells them to go with him. Since he knows a shortcut to V.F.D. headquarters at the Valley of Four Drafts. And there they go through the Vertical Flame Diversion. Nonetheless, Violet and Klaus aren’t sure whether to trust him since they don’t know who this mysterious boy is.

The song I went with here is “Little Lotte/The Mirror” from The Phantom of the Opera. In the original version, Christine and Raoul get reacquainted with each other after so many years apart. Yet, after Raoul leaves, the Phantom jealously yells at Christine for spending time with him. Mostly because Erik feels entitled to his beautiful pupil and doesn’t want any other guy to have her. In this version, I have the Baudelaires meet with the mysterious sweatered scout. Still, this song gets pretty creepy.

“The Signal”

Bruce:
C’mon newbies, tell us a story
Before we feast on some marshmallows
Before we all go to bed

Carmelita:
Uncle
Everyone should listen to mine

Quigley:
Oh, I’d love to hear a
Very fascinating drama

Violet:
Haven’t a very fun day

Klaus:
All we ate were just Vinegar Flavored Donuts, eew

Violet:
God, those violent frozen dragonflies
Bite so much they’d eat you alive
And we didn’t even come with much supplies

Klaus:
More like voracious fierce dragons in my eyes

Quigley:
How about that vain fat dictator?

Carmelita:
Their constant chat’s boring me to tears
Uncle, can I tell everyone a story
About how adorable and wonderful I am?
I’m sure everyone would want to hear it

Bruce:
Oh, no doubt of it – go ahead.

Violet:
Who are you and how do you know about V.F.D.?

Quigley:
Well, we’ll discuss that later.

Snow Scouts:
Oh, God, Carmelita, uhhh

Quigley:
Let’s have some marshmallows
Then we’ll talk after everyone’s asleep.
I promise you, fellow scouts.

Klaus:
We can’t wait.

Quigley:
Come, Baudelaires
I know a shortcut
To the headquarters

Klaus:
How do we know
You can be trusted
You’re just a mere stranger

Quigley:
Sorry, we’ve got no
Time for questions
Got to find headquarters

See that large gap on
The ceiling
Lets out smoke from fire

It’s called Vertical
Flame Diversion
And secret passageway
Through Valley of Four Drafts
And climb we may!

Violet:
How do you know this?
Guide and stranger!
Can you explain to us?

Quigley:
I’ve read a book of
Mortmain Mountains
Borrowed from Monty’s library

Violet:
Yet, why should we trust you?
How did you end up at Monty’s?

Quigley:
I know what xenial means
But that doesn’t prove anything

Violet:
That doesn’t mean we can trust you

Quigley:
I’m well-read and less likely evil

Klaus:
What the hell, he’s got a point

Inside the cave, the elder Baudelaires meet with a troop of Snow Scouts led by a man named Bruce. Yet, they’re greeted by a girl they really didn’t want to see again, Carmelita Spats. Yes, the monumental brat who you’d want to push off a mountainside. Not to mention, she’s an all around bitch who refers to many of her fellow scouts as “cakesniffers” along with the Baudelaires. And surprising to no one, she doesn’t want her former classmates to stay but Bruce intervenes since Snow Scouts are supposed to be accommodating. Anyway, these kids are on their way to Mount Fraught’s summit to celebrate False Spring and where Carmelita will be crowned False Spring Queen. Because Bruce is her actual uncle. Yet, at least Bruce lets the elder Baudelaires stay where they don fencing masks on their faces to protect against the snow gnats and conceal their identities.

For the Snow Scouts introduction, I decided to go with “Jets Song” from West Side Story. The original version has the Jets sing about who they are and what they’re going to do to the Sharks after the big dance that night. In this version, I lengthened the spoken parts as well as have the Snow Scouts introduce themselves.

“Snow Scout Song”

Carmelita:
Hey, you, cakesniffers!

Bruce:
Looks like we have visitors, what are your names?

Violet:
We’re weary mountain travelers seeking shelter from the snow gnats for awhile.

Carmelita:
We shouldn’t let these cakesniffers stay, Uncle Bruce. They’ll be intruding on our Snow Scouts camping trip.

Bruce:
Now, Carmelita, remember what the Snow Scout Pledge says. We must be accommodating to our guests.

Carmelita:
Accommodating, schmommodating. When are we getting to the top of Mount Fraught so I can be crowned False Spring Queen?

Bruce:
The name’s Bruce, but you can call me Uncle Bruce, although I’m almost certainly not your real uncle. Welcome to the Snow Scouts, travelers, where all of us are meek. In fact, we’re accommodating, basic, calm…Now Snow Scouts let’s chant the Snow Scout Alphabet Pledge.

Snow Scouts:
Snow Scouts are accommodating, basic, calm, darling, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, nap-loving, official, pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled, tidy, understandable, victorious, wholesome, xylophone, young and zippered – every morning, every afternoon, every night, and all day long!

Bruce:
Wind noise.

Snow Scouts: (Whistle noise)

Klaus:
What the hell was that?

Carmelita:
Look at those cakesniffers with a coat on their heads.

Violet:
We’re meek because we don’t like people to see us.

Bruce:
Well, you’ll fit right in. Someone give these two masks. So let’s do the pledge again.

Quigley: Hold on.

When you’re a Scout
You’re a Scout all the way
From your first Snow Scout pledge
To your last dyin’ day.

When you’re a Scout,
If the shit hits the fan,
You got buddies around,
You’ve got family, man!

You’re never alone,
You’re never disconnected!
You’re home with your own:
When company’s expected,
You’re well protected!

Then you are set
With a capital S,
Which you’ll never forget
Till you grow up someday
When you’re a Scout,
You stay a Scout!

Here are your snow masks. Will keep the gnats off your face and hide your ID.

Bruce:
That’s nice, Sweater Boy, but let’s recite the pledge again.

Snow Scouts:
Snow Scouts are accommodating, basic, calm, darling, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, nap-loving, official, pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled, tidy, understandable, victorious, wholesome, xylophone, young and zippered – every morning, every afternoon, every night, and all day long! (Whistle Noise)

Klaus:
How can anyone be xylophone? Xenial might be a better fit since it’s synonymous with hospitable.

Bruce:
You can’t change the pledge after you printed it on a bunch of coats. Besides, it wasn’t my idea.

Violet:
What’s false spring?

Klaus:
Think it’s supposed to be a warm interval between April snowfalls in Pennsylvania.

Carmelita:
Cakesniffers, you don’t know anything.

False Spring is when it starts to get warm
Before getting real cold on the mountain again
Up on Mount Fraught we hike to celebrate
Where they crown me False Spring Queen, it’s gonna be great

Quigley:
We only crown her False Bring Queen because Bruce is her uncle.

Carmelita:
Or you’re jealous cause I’m so adorable.

Snow Scouts:
Shut up, Carmelita!

Carmelita:
Shut up, Cakeniffers!

Snow Scouts:
When you’re a Scout,
You’re the top cat in town,
You’re the gold medal kid
With the heavyweight crown!

When you’re a Scout,
You’re the swingin’est thing:
You go up to Mount Fraught
For observing False Spring

Don’t worry in here,
Of creatures hibernating
Soldier bears disappeared
While lion detectives have now migrated

We are the Scouts
In our snowflake coats
We go camping in caves
And we don’t mind the snow

We are the Scouts
Join us for story time
We eat marshmallows
Before we all say goodnight

And when it’s False Spring
We’ll arrive on the summit
We all dance and sing
Around the tall spring pole
While our queen can shove it

We are the Scouts
Yeah! And we are swell tots
Every one of us kids
Climbing up on Mount Fraught!
Climbing up!
Ever!
Mother!
Lovin’!
Fraught!
Yeah!