Back at the Queequeg, Violet and Klaus scramble to cure Sunny who’s nearing death by the minute. Remembering a chapter on of Fiona’s Mushroom Minutiae, he flips to the chapter on the infamous Medusoid Mycelium where he finds the poem in which the cure’s listed as horseradish. He then remembers the horseradish factory reference in Kit Snicket’s letter. So they search the kitchen but there’s no horseradish to be found which is crazy since you’d expect to find some there. They also find a coconut cream cake Phil and Sunny made for Violet’s fifteenth birthday which almost everyone else forgot about. Meanwhile, Sunny wheezes away as if she’s trying to tell her older siblings something. So since she’s the best person to know a horseradish substitute, Violet and Klaus pull out their baby sister from the diving helmet. And by this point, she’s got mushrooms in her mouth. But Sunny musters her remaining breath to tell her siblings the very thing that would save her life.

The song I went with is “Stay Alive (Reprise)” from Hamilton, in which Philip Hamilton’s parents rush to his side after he’s shot in a duel. Unfortunately, he’s ends up dying in his mother Eliza’s arms while his father Alex is by his side. For Alexander Hamilton, this is a major tragedy that emotionally shatters him beyond all recognition. In this version, Violet and Klaus scramble to find a cure for Sunny who fortunately, ends up saving her own life in the end with one word.

“Stay Alive (Reprise)” (ASOUE Version)

Violet:
Stay alive…
Stay alive…
Stay alive…

Klaus:
Where’s that book?
There it is!

Let’s flip over this. I’m sure there’s some information on surviving the Medusoid Mycelium.

“A single spore has such grim power
That you may die within the hour
Is dilution simple? But of course!
Just one small root of a horse.”

Violet:
Why the hell are you looking there?

Klaus:
I’m doing ev’rything I can!
Remember that horseradish factory at Lousy Lane?

Violet:
Horseradish?

Klaus:
Vi
See to the kitchen and go check
I’m sure we’ll find some there

Violet:
Okay, okay. Shh
Okay, okay,
Shh. It’s mostly gum
A coconut cream cake.

Shh

Okay, Okay
Okay, Okay
Okay

Sunny, tell me and
Stay alive…

Klaus:
It
Says “Violet’s Fifteenth Date
We all seemed to forget
We all seemed to forget

Violet:
Stay alive…

Fiona:
No!

Klaus:
It’s the only way!

Violet (Klaus):
Is she breathing? Is she going to survive this? (Stay alive…)

Klaus:
We must find a close horseradish match!

Violet:
Klaus, I think we Sunny’s trying to tell us something

Klaus:
Sunny–

Violet:
We got to get her

Klaus:
Let’s pull her out

Violet:
She’s got mushrooms on her mouth

Klaus:
I don’t know how she will survive

Violet:
She’s wants to tell us something.

Klaus:
Shh. Okay. Okay.

Violet:
Please, God, don’t let her die.

Klaus:
Dear God, please don’t.

Violet:
Un deux trois quatre
Cinq six sept huit neuf

Good
Un deux trois quatre
Cinq six sept
Huit neuf
Sept huit neuf—
Sept huit…

Klaus:
Un deux trois quatre
Cinq six sept huit neuf

Sunny:
Wasabi…

Fortunately, Fernald and the kids all have a distraction unexpectedly set up for them in the form of Carmelita Spats putting on her torturous song and dance routine. And you thought spending hours rowing oars for free a la Ben Hur was terrible enough for the kids doing the grunt work. Now they have to sit through Carmelita’s recital and applaud or get a taste of Esme’s tagliatelle grande. To make matters worse, she sings a song on how great she is and her singing voice is like fingernails on a chalkboard. Scratch that, Carmelita Spats is the human incarnation of fingernails on a chalkboard. As all eyes are on Carmelita, the five make a run through it hiding behind pillars and lying on the floor without being seen. The Baudelaires make it through to the Queequeg without a hitch. But Carmelita spots Fernald and Fiona. So the Hook-Handed Man tells Esme that he’s trying to get the Baudelaires to tell him where the Sugar Bowl is and ask her if he can borrow the tagliatelle grande to get it out of them. Fiona joins the ruse claiming that she joined the Carmelita’s crew. Esme gives in, calling Fiona, “Triangle-Eyes.”

Naturally, I had to go with “L-O-V-E (L Is for the Way You Look at Me)” for Carmelita’s song and dance routine that distracts everyone and allows the Baudelaires escape to the Queequeg. Of course, the original version is a run-of-the-mill love song covered by a bunch of artists for decades. In this version, it’s all about Carmelita on Carmelita.

“C-A-R-M-E-L-I-T-A (C Is for How Cute I Am You See)”

Sung by Carmelita Spats

C is for how cute I am you see
A is for adorable as can be
R is for ravishing extraordinary
M is for gorgeous as I am forevermore just

E is for excellent compared to all
L is for how lovable I do enthrall
I is for I’m the best, you know it
T is for how talented as I show it
A is for a tap dancing ballerina
Fairy princess veterinarian!

C is for how cute I am you see
A is for adorable as can be
R is for ravishing extraordinary
M is for gorgeous as I am forevermore just

E is for excellent compared to all
L is for how lovable I do enthrall
I is for I’m the best, you know it
T is for how talented as I show it
A is for a tap dancing ballerina
Fairy princess veterinarian!
Now let’s sing my whole song again
Now let’s sing my whole song again

Since Fiona has her brother back and is beyond reasoning with while Sunny’s life depends on getting back to the Queequeg, the Baudelaires give in as the hook-handed Fernald leads the way. Getting back to the submarine won’t be easy since they got to get back through the way they came to the brig. Since Baudelaire kids aren’t in the most rational shape due to Sunny’s deteriorating condition, the Hook-Handed Man insists that they lay low and remain calm. As for the scheme, it basically involves the Baudelaires escaping from behind pillars while Fernald and Fiona provide a distraction for Esme and Carmelita. For the rowers don’t really care what goes past them anyway.

The song I selected for this is “Cool” from West Side Story in which either Riff or Ice tell the Jets gang members to keep it cool and they will be fine. In this version, Fernald is telling the Baudelaires the same thing despite that they’re nearing panic mode over their baby sister in the poison mushroom laden diving helmet.

“Cool” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Fernald, the Hook-Handed Man

Kids, kids, crazy kids,
Get cool, kids.
Got a rocket
In your pocket,
Keep coolly cool, kids.

Don’t get hot,
‘Cause man, you got
Some high times ahead.
Take it slow,
And Daddy-o,
You can live it up and die in bed.

Kids, kids, crazy kids,
Stay loose, kids.
Breeze it, buzz it,
Easy does it,
Turn off the juice, kids.

Go, man, go,
But not like a yoyo schoolkid.
Just play it cool, kids,
Real cool

While Fernald gives in after Sunny’s feeble “Please” spurs him into action, but he only agrees to take them to the Queequeg the condition he go with them. Fiona allows it. But the Baudelaires are more skeptical for obvious reasons, especially Violet. In fact, she’s firmly against it considering that he’s committed some gruesome crimes and she doesn’t care if he expresses doubts or remorse or even loves his sister, particularly if those wrongdoings were directed at her and her siblings. He may be a physically disabled human being who’s been through a lot of misfortunes and hardships in his life as well as force the Baudelaires to contemplate what’s good, evil, right, or wrong. Still, the Hook-Handed Man had more agency in his deeds than the Baudelaires in theirs, especially in regards to the Caligari Carnival. Nonetheless, Fiona staunchly defends her brother, arguing that Fernald is the only family she has left and asked her whether she’d ever abandon a sibling.

Again, I turn to West Side Story with “A Boy Like That/I Have a Love” which involves Anita confronting Maria on her love for Tony who killed her brother Bernardo. Though this version revolves around love for siblings instead of love interests like the original, it still uses the same concept. After all, Fernald killed Gregor Anwhistle and burned down the Aquatics Center along with other crimes. But Fiona is nonetheless fiercely loyal to him.

“A Man Like That”

Sung by Violet Baudelaire and Fiona

Violet:
A man like that who’d kill another
Don’t give a shit if he’s your brother
Can you tell me why
We should trust this guy?

A man like that only gave us sorrow,
I don’t care where he is tomorrow,
There’s no way I must
Give him my trust

Fernald had killed old Gregor
Had him burned to a char
Yet, you bring Fernald to the sub
This is too far
Very smart, Fiona, very smart!

A man like that works for Count Olaf
Bring him with us, he’ll kill us all off
He’ll murder your love;
He’s even tried.
Just wait and see,
Just wait, Fiona,
Just wait and see!

Fiona:
Oh no, Violet, no,
Violet, no!
It isn’t true, not for me,
It’s true for you, not for me.
I hear your words
And in my head
I know they’re smart,
But my heart, Violet,
But my heart

Violet:
A man like that who’d kill another
Don’t give a shit if he’s your brother
Can you tell me why
We should trust this guy?

Fernald had killed old Gregor
Had him burned to a char
Yet, you bring Fernald to the sub
This is too far
Very smart Fiona, very smart!

Fiona (Simultaneously):
Knows they’re wrong
And my heart
Is too strong,
For I belong
With my Fernald, with my Fernald.
One thing I know:
I’m his sis,
I don’t care what he is.
I don’t know why it’s so,
I don’t want to know.

Fiona:
Oh no, Violet, no,
You should know better!
You have your Klaus-and Sunny, too.
You should know better

I have Fernald, and he’s all that I have.
Right or wrong, what else can I do?
I love him; I’m his,
And everything he is
I am, too.
I have Fernald, and he’s all that I need,
Right or wrong, and he needs me, too.
I love him, he’ll come;
There’s nothing to be done,
Not a thing I can do
But trust him, trust him forever,
Be with him now, tomorrow
And all of my life!

Both:
When family ties are strong,
There is no right or wrong,
Your blood is your life.

Now Fernald has a very funny way of looking at life and as to why he sided with Count Olaf. As to why, because he couldn’t stand his control freak stepdad ordering him around and proclaims that Widdershins isn’t his last name. Though he’s right about the Daily Punctilio getting a lot of stuff wrong. Yet, he admitted to it in front of the kids despite not being proud of it. Nonetheless, his motivations behind joining the troupe makes absolutely no sense since Olaf basically orders him around anyway. But he then states, “Well Olaf isn’t all bad. For instance, he has a wonderful laugh.” So do a lot of villains but that doesn’t justify their villainous behavior. He then goes on to say, “People aren’t either wicked or noble. They’re like chef’s salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.” It’s a good analogy and he’s right but while the Baudelaires might’ve done wicked things, they were either forced to or because they didn’t see any legal alternative to getting something they needed or wanted like The Snicket File. Besides, they’re clearly not the aggressor in their situation which they were forced into by circumstances beyond their control. But to Fernald, the only difference between him and the Baudelaires are the portraits on their sub uniforms.

For Fernald’s worldview, I used The Who’s “Behind Blue Eyes” which was written as a villain song who believes he’s forced into villainy but feel he’s a good guy. Yet, he’s also full of angst because of all the pressure and temptation surrounding him. The Hook-Handed Man fits this description almost to a T. Because I only changed the bridge electric guitar section of this song the most.

“Behind Hooked Hands

Sung by Fernald, the Hook-Handed Man

No one knows what it’s like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind hooked hands

No one knows what it’s like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies

But my dreams
They aren’t as empty
As my conscience
Seems to be

I have hours
Only lonely
My love is vengeance
That’s never free

No one knows what it’s like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

But my dreams
They aren’t as empty
As my conscience
Seems to be

I have hours
Only lonely
My love is vengeance
That’s never free

We’re neither wicked
Nor so noble
Like chef’s salads
In doubt and strife

Do you really
Think we’re so different?
You’ve burned things down
And so have I

We’ve joined sub crews
With volatile captains
Trying to reach
The same hotel

The only difference
We wear different portraits
On our suits
As far I can tell

No one knows what it’s like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind hooked hands

As the Hook-Handed Man gives his insight into the moral ambiguity of life,  Fiona and the elder Baudelaires try to pressure him to take them back to the Queequeg so they can help Sunny who’s chances of surviving are slipping every minute. Fernald is reluctant to aid them since things go badly which lands him on the receiving end of Olaf’s angry outbursts. But Fiona keeps pushing on as her brother makes a point like, “Why does it matter since both sides do terrible things?” Then Violet reveals the article by Jacques Snicket she had been holding since the Gorgonian Grotto under the headline “Verifying Fernald’s Defection” which reads: “It has now been confirmed that the fire that destroyed Anwhistle Aquatics, and took the life of famed ichnologist Gregor Anwhistle, was set by Fernald Widdershins, the son of the captain of the Queequeg submarine. The Widdershins family’s participation in a recent schism has raised several questions regarding…” Fernald reveals that he’s not proud of what he did but then he goes into his rant on human ambiguity and raises that the Baudelaires burned down the Caligari Carnival, a fire he willingly participated in. All while Klaus is pleading with him on Sunny’s behalf.

The song I went with here is David Bowie’s “Starman” which is about Ziggy Stardust bringing a message of hope to Earth’s youth, through the radio, salvation by an alien “Starman.” Though other interpretations range from the Second Coming to Close Encounters of the Third Kind. In this version Violet confronts the Hook-Handed Man about the fire he started at Anwhistle Aquatics while Klaus pleads with him to save Sunny’s life.

“Arson”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Found this clipping while we were in the grotto
While we searched for the Sugar Bowl
Poison mushrooms gave us no place to go
Your sister said you two played a game
Got a sinking feeling when she said your name
So, I claimed the piece was too blurred to read

You did arson and you took a life
You burned Anwhistle Aquatics
Along with Greg Anwhistle alive
You did arson and you took a life
It’s in the Punctilio
Do you think you’re justified?

Klaus:
For God’s sake please
Let us get to Queequeg
Let us save our Sunny
Or else she’s going to die

Violet:
There may be mistakes in the Punctilio
But you just confessed you did it so
You think we’re no better but now you must let us go
We may have burned down Caligari
But you were there as a willing party
Your boss forced us but now it’s spread far and wide

You did arson and you took a life
You burned Anwhistle Aquatics
Along with Greg Anwhistle alive
You did arson and you took a life
It’s in the Punctilio
Do you think you’re justified?

Klaus:
For God’s sake please
Let us get to Queequeg
Let us save our Sunny
Or else she’s going to die

Violet:
You did arson and you took a life
You burned Anwhistle Aquatics
Along with Greg Anwhistle alive
You did arson and you took a life
It’s in the Punctilio
Do you think you’re justified?

Klaus:
For God’s sake please
Let us get to Queequeg
Let us save our Sunny
Or else she’s going to die

Though the Baudelaires try to buy time for Sunny by telling him they can find the Sugar Bowl, Count Olaf’s not falling for that again. Besides, he doesn’t care at all about Sunny’s condition. So his plan is to throw them in the brig and have the Hook-Handed Man get them to talk. Yet, when he brings the kids onto his submarine, he gives them a tour because he thinks the octo-sub is that awesome. As Lemony Snicket writes: “This submarine is one of the greatest things I’ve ever stolen,” he bragged. “It has everything I’ll need to defeat V.F.D. once and for all. It has a sonar system, so I can rid the seas of V.F.D. submarines. It has an enormous flyswatter, so I can rid the skies of V.F.D. planes. It has a lifetime supply of matches, so I can rid the world of V.F.D. headquarters. It has several cases of wine that I plan to drink up myself, and a closet full of very stylish outfits for my girlfriend. And best of all, it has plenty of opportunities for children to do hard labour! Ha ha hedonism!” He shows them the room where he has Snow Scouts, Prufrock Prep kids, and other children reenact Ben Hur as an octopus dress-clad Esme Squalor whips them while Carmelita sings and dances around like “tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian.” Nonetheless, Count Olaf doesn’t care much for the brat while Esme adores her. Now if he could just ditch the two of them. He still keeps ignoring the elder Baudelaires’ pleas to save Sunny as well. But once they reach the brig, they are in for the ultimate shock: Fiona’s brother, Fernald is none other than the Hook-Handed Man. Though it’s a momentarily happy reunion, Fiona and the Hook-Handed Man later argue about why the other is allied with each other’s enemies.

The song I selected is “Stay Alive” from Hamilton which revolves around the Battle of Monmouth and lead up to the duel between Hamilton’s bestie John Laurens and General Charles Lee who’s a chickenshit. And let’s just say the New Jersey summer battle ends in a stalemate and in George Washington losing his temper. In this version I have Count Olaf show the kids around his octo-sub and Fiona’s reunion with her brother Fernald.

“Stay Alive”

Violet:
Stay alive…

Klaus:
Stay alive…

Count Olaf:
This submarine’s the greatest thing I’ve ever stolen
It’s got all I need to destroy V.F.D. into oblivion
Has sonar system, matches, wine and large flyswatter
Got very stylish outfits for my girlfriend and her daughter
But best of all, it’s got plenty of hard labor
For children rowing boat oars, and on shifts of 24 hours

Violet:
Just let us help our Sunny

Count Olaf:
No sell!

Violet:
Olaf, listen. I can still tell you about the sugar bowl

Count Olaf:
Let’s go to the brig tonight

Violet:
Not right

Esme:
Jesus Christ, they’re alive
Row your oars kids, till you fall limp and die

Carmelita:
Named this sub after me since I’m so sweet and nice

Esme:
Outrun

Rowers:
Outrun

Esme:
Outlast

Rowers:
Outlast

Count Olaf:
To the brig, make it fast

Carmelita:
Chick-a-plao!

Violet:
We’ve got to help Sunny and fast
Else she eventually will breathe her last

Troupe:
Raise a glass!

Count Olaf:
Now let’s see what Hooky will do with you

Esme:
If we all hear screams, it means he has gotten through

Isn’t Carmelita precious?
Like the adopted kid I never had
Save for you Baudelaires, though I didn’t think you any rad

Count Olaf:
We cut supply lines, we steal contraband
We chase and raid submarines and places to take a stand
And ev’ry time
“Sir, let us rest our tired hands”
And ev’ry time
No
We dismiss them out of hand

Klaus (Violet):
Please hear our pleas (Stay alive…)
Let us go
For Sunny (Sunny, please)
For God’s sake, listen to our demands

Count Olaf:
You’re our prisoners. Whee!

Klaus:
Yeah. But you won’t get anything from us

Hook-Handed Man:
You’ll shit the bed after I put you through pus
Fiona, it’s you!

Fiona:
Fernald!

Hook-Handed Man:
It’s you!
You’ve grown!

Count Olaf:
What are you doing, Hooky? Get back on your feet!

Hook-Handed Man:
But Fiona’s my baby sister!

Fiona:
I’m sorry, why are you here, bro?!
Jesus Christ!

Hook-Handed Man:
So what?
Why join the Baudelaires?

Fiona:
Fernald!
Technically, the Baudelaires joined up with me
Do you know where the hell our stepdad could be?

Fernald:
I left that asshole behind
Without a pot to piss in
He gave out orders which he expected me to listen

Fiona:
Count Olaf orders you to comply to his devices
Dirty work from crisis to crisis
The best thing you can do for your baby sister
Is take me and the Baudelaires back to the Queequeg

Troupe:
Oo!

Hook-Handed Man:
You don’t know him. Count Olaf’s not that bad.

Fiona:
Like how?

Hook-Handed Man:
Well, he has some good parts, like his laugh

Fiona:
Liking his laugh doesn’t excuse you to say screw it

Hook-Handed Man:
Let’s not talk about Olaf
Now let’s do this
Baudelaire kids, where’s the damn Sugar Bowl?

Violet:
Sorry, we don’t really know and that’s all

Unfortunately, just as Violet and Klaus start up the submarine, Count Olaf’s octo-sub returns and swallows up the Queequeg. Laughing menacingly, Olaf then cuts out a porthole to let himself in. Once again, he hoped the Baudelaires were dead which disappointed him because they told him they knew about the Sugar Bowl’s whereabouts. Though it doesn’t make sense since he needs at least one of them alive to get their fortune. Since then, Count Olaf has met up with the two mysterious figures at the Hotel Denouement before coming back to off some of his enemies like the Baudelaires. Now in the main hall, Fiona’s not impressed to se Olaf who asked where her stepdad is and noted about throwing thumbtacks into her cradle. Let’s just say, he keeps taunting and trying to recruit her from there.

For a second time, I decided to go with the Village People. This time it’s “In the Navy” which I couldn’t resist when it comes to a novel focused on submarines. In this version, I have Count Olaf come inside the Queequeg and try to recruit Fiona for his troupe. Yes, I know he’s not really trying to urge her to join the Navy. But it’s kind of hilarious.

“In the Navy” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf

Count Olaf:
Where can you find pleasure
Search the world for treasure
Steal children’s securities
Where can you begin to make your dreams all come true
On the land or on the sea
Where you can commit crimes
Put on plays in disguise
Live aboard a submarine
Sign up for the big band
Or sit in the grandstand
When your team and others meet

Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Yes, you can sail the seven seas
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Yes, you can put your mind at ease
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on now, Tri-Eyes, make a stand
Troupe: In the navy, in the navy
Count Olaf: Can’t you see we need a hand
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on, now where is your stepdad?
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on and join your fellow man
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on people, and make a stand
Troupe: In the navy, in the navy, in the navy (in the navy)

Troupe:
We want you, we want you
We want you as a new recruit

Count Olaf:
If you like adventure
Don’t you wait to enter
Our sub Carmelita fast
Don’t you hesitate
There is no need to wait
We’re signing up new children fast
Don’t fret being too young
To join up today
But don’t you worry ’bout a thing
For I’m sure there will be
Always a good navy
Trying to destroy V.F.D.

Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Yes, you can sail the seven seas
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Yes, you can put your mind at ease
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on now, Tri-Eyes, make a stand
Troupe: In the navy, in the navy
Count Olaf: Can’t you see we need a hand
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on, now where is your stepdad?
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on and join your fellow man
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on people, and make a stand
Troupe: In the navy, in the navy, in the navy (in the navy)

Troupe:
We want you, we want you
We want you as a new recruit

Fiona:
Who me?

Troupe:
We want you, we want you
We want you as a new recruit

Fiona:
But, but, but, what about Sunny?
Hey, hey look
She could die if I don’t find the antidote for her!

Troupe:
We want you, we want you in the navy

Fiona:
Oh my goodness.
What am I gonna do about my friends?

Troupe:
We want you, we want you in the navy

Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Yes, you can sail the seven seas
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Yes, you can put your mind at ease
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on be bold and make a stand
Troupe: In the navy, in the navy
Count Olaf: Can’t you see we need a hand
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Now where is your stepdad?
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on and join your fellow man
Troupe: In the navy
Count Olaf: Come on be bold and make a stand

While in the Gorgonian Grotto, Fiona and the Baudelaires find themselves in the middle of the Medusoid Mycelium breeding grounds. At first it’s a patch, but the longer they look, the more they see until they’re surrounded. Fiona is confident that they’ll be safe from the deadly mushroom spores as long as they don’t get too close. Though I’d recommend that they keep their diving helmets on, especially Sunny. Still, it seems best that the kids stay where they are since the mushrooms aren’t getting any closer. All the same, they still need to figure out how to get back. Violet wants to invent some way to get out, but she can’t think of what. But Fiona thinks it’s a better idea to wait it out. So they hang out as the Baudelaires gather some of the junk and foodstuffs they can find. Sunny makes a snack and cooks pesto lo mein. Klaus takes a book on how to decode messages in poetry. Violet finds a letter from Kit Snicket to Gregor Anwhistle on the poisonous mushrooms and a newspaper article that could cause a fight. Though it’s not a great situation, the children try to make the best  of their time in the cave. But when they get back, they find Captain Widdershins and Phil gone without a trace and a poison mushroom spore in Sunny’s helmet and she’s coughing from the poisoning. Violet and Klaus naturally panic, but Fiona assumes command. She orders them to start the engines while she finds the antidote. Violet is suspicious and thinks she’s “volatile” while Klaus gives in thinking it’s no use arguing. When the other girl’s alone, Violet confides to her brother and shows her the clipping she read. Then Count Olaf’s sub shows up.

The song I went with here is “Notes/Twisted Every Way” from Phantom of the Opera. In the original, the company makes plans to do the Phantom’s fan-fiction opera his way despite that it’s crap and Carlotta hates being upstaged by Christine. Even though Christine knows Erik is trying to get to her through this opera and wants no part of it. But if they want to keep the Phantom at bay, nobody has a choice to back out since they don’t want another fallen chandelier (except there’s a chandelier drop anyway). In this version, I have Fiona and the Baudelaires waiting out the Medusoid Mycelium to Count Olaf’s submarine infiltrating them.

“Medusoid Mycelium in Cave and Return”

Fiona:
Medusoid Mycelium in cave!

Klaus:
Teeming everywhere!

Violet:
What do we do now?

Klaus:
Hell if I know, let’s ask Fiona.

Violet:
Fiona, please.

Fiona:
Let’s stay where we are.
Don’t you get to close to them

Violet:
Should I invent a way out of here?

Fiona:
Well, Violet,
Mushrooms wax and wane in no time
And soon they will disappear
No need to invent—
Just circumvent
Wait it out
I don’t know how much longer
Which could be several hours at a time

Klaus:
A Hobson’s choice
Mom instilled that in us
To get us doing what we didn’t like

Violet:
She made me clean my room
Or “Row, Row, Your Boat”

Klaus:
Do dishes
Else I’d have to read poetry
By Edgar Guest who I never ever liked

Sunny (translated babble):
Bath or pink dress

Violet:
When did Mom get mad?

Klaus:
Haven’t really thought about that
Since our folks died, Vi.
Now what’s the matter, Fi?

Fiona:
My stepdad and brother often fought

Klaus:
Didn’t know that
Your stepdad said
He was charming

Violet:
What about the elusive Sugar Bowl?

Fiona:
Just all this junk

Klaus:
A Rosetta Stone
A dull metal ring and a glass of holes

Violet:
We also got a whole bunch of food

Klaus:
Ah! Versed Furtive Disclosure!
Think this cave’s used for hiding things I’m sure

Fiona:
Help yourselves to what’s in this V.F.D. envelope

Violet:
Sunny’s got a newspaper clip in her hands

Sunny (Translated babble):
Look at this, please

Klaus:
Sunny, make us something for now

Fiona:
Cooking pesto lo mein…

Klaus:
It appears she had no choice

Fiona:
Has such an international basis for a toddler

Sunny:
Wasabi?

Violet, Klaus, and Fiona:
Oh, no thank you

Klaus:
Verse Fluctuation Declaration

Violet:
What the hell is that?

Klaus:
It’s a code where you swap certain words in a verse
Can’t figure it out

Sunny (translated babble):
A food code?

Klaus:
That’s a good idea
Fiona will be a custard eclair

Fiona:
I’d like truffles.

Violet:
Look at this letter
Kit Snicket wrote to Gregor
Wants him to move
The mushrooms out
But he did not

She was trying to dilute the bane
At some plant in Lousy lane
But Gregor preferred them where they were
And wished to use them on his foes

Klaus:
So the mushrooms poisoned the Aquatics Center

Fiona:
My brother keeps a deck of cards—
For boring moments such as ours
We used play this little game
Called Fernald’s Folly since it’s his name

Violet:
Funny, you should say that
Fiona, because I just had–
Well, words are all too blurred
There’s nothing of use here, just an ad for ED gel

Fiona:
The mushrooms begin to wane
So we must get ready to get through this hell
To Queequeg
I’ll help Sunny in

Sunny (translated babble):
Thank you, Fi.

Klaus:
You seem quite concerned—
And yet, you’re not even telling any of us
That article seems to have something interesting

Violet:
It’s nothing

Klaus:
Okay

Fiona:
So we all must leave
And we all tell my stepdad we didn’t see it in
And yes, he’ll be disappointed but least we live

Klaus:
And have a taste of Sunny’s new dessert

Fiona:
Well, a non-gum delight won’t hurt

Violet:
How do I tell them about Fernald?

Fiona:
Now our helmets on, let’s leave the cave

[Later on the Queequeg]:

Fiona:
Captain!
Where are you now?
Do you hear me?
Where’s the captain?

Klaus:
We checked the place

Violet:
What are these balloons—
Is it supposed to be a V.F.D. code!

Klaus:
Phil’s not here either

Fiona:
Where are they?
Helmets aren’t here
They left the submarine

Klaus:
Can’t be!

Fiona:
Not sure why
Oh, God Jesus!
They said they’d stay at the sonar screen
How could they leave
I can’t see why
But somehow, they come to—
Leave me
Don’t know why

Klaus:
It’s not your fault
Just remain calm

Fiona:
Don’t take Sunny’s helmet
There’s a spore inside it!
If take it off, infect us all!

Violet:
Jesus, not Sunny!

Fiona:
Start engines, please just go—
While I’ll find an antidote

Violet:
Mot sure I trust you with that

Klaus:
You need a break!

Violet:
She’s coughing, you’re going mad

Fiona:
Fascinating!

Violet:
She is crazy!

Fiona:
Climb that rope ladder, I will be fine

Violet:
She is raving!

Fiona:
Fire up those engines now, aye!
We’ll save our Sunny!

Klaus:
Cool it, I beg you

Fiona:
Now’s not time, we can’t hesitate

Klaus:
Just trust me

Violet:
It’s clear to all
The girl’s insane!

Klaus:
Please don’t!

Violet:
Don’t defend her…

Fiona:
Let’s leave the cave

Violet:
You’re
Clearly cracked!

Klaus:
Do what she says, we must act

Violet:
But Sunny’s sick, you trust her?

Klaus:
Vi, I’m frightened—
And I’m freaking out
Vi, it scares me–
Don’t put me through this ordeal by fire
No use fighting right now
She could die in an hour
Just please let this go

Fiona:
In my stepdad’s absence, I’m your captain
Follow my orders, for they will stand
Go start the engines, we need to leave now
As my stepdad said, a hesitator will always be lost

Violet:
She’s mad …

Klaus:
Give her a break—she has just lost her stepdad
Give her some slack, since we’ve all been through that

Violet:
Klaus, you were right to suspect that I lied
Since this clip has something awful inside
Tells of a fire at the Anwhistle Aquatics Center
Where poor old Gregor burned into a cinder
Her brother started it, he set the place aflame
I know can’t tell her and show this to her face
Oh God, can’t you see, Fiona’s a volatile screed
We need to save ourselves

Klaus:
Violet, Violet, don’t think that I don’t know
But every hope, and every prayer rests on her now

Violet:
So, it is to be war between us! But this time, clever brother, the disaster will be hers!

Klaus:
Jesus, Violet, tell her now
About her older brother
For she will soon find out
Whether in one way or another

Violet:
It’s Olaf’s submarine, it’s closing in
It’s right outside from us, we can’t resist

It doesn’t take long for the Queequeg to reach the Gorgonian Grotto that by the time the kids go to sleep, the submarine is already inside it but can’t get in any further. So like any adult in the series, Captain Widdershins determines that a child will have to go in to retrieve it. So naturally, Fiona and the Baudelaires get on their wetsuits (though Sunny is stuffed in a spare diving helmet) and go into water. The suits aren’t well equipped since they lack any waterproof flashlights and oxygen tanks. Anyway, Widdershins promise that all will receive citations for bravery for recovering the Sugar Bowl and sends them on their way. Though Widdershins sending the kids in uncharted waters limited oxygen supply and no flashlights to a dark cave filled with deadly mushrooms may seem as irresponsible, keep in mind that at least he’s not a wizard professor at Hogwarts. However, the children eventually come across the beach which seems weird to them. But they also spot a few floor lamps and a lot of random stuff lying around, including foodstuffs like wasabi and paper items like a poetry book, news clipping, and a letter. However, there’s no sugar bowl and the Medusoid Mycelium is about to wax.

The song I selected is David Bowie’s “Space Oddity” which is about an astronaut going into space. So I thought it would a perfect song to rip off for an underwater scene. In this version, I have Fiona and the Baudelaires explore the grotto. And though they didn’t have communication with Widdershins in the books, I couldn’t avoid it here.

“Gorgonian Oddity”

Captain Widdershins:
Widdershins to Baudelaires
Widdershins to Baudelaires
Don your diving suits
And put your helmets on

Widdershins to Baudelaires
Commencing countdown
Wetsuits on
Love you, Fiona
And may God’s love be with you

Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One, Engage

This is Widdershins
To Baudelaires
You’ve really made the grade
Now’s the time to venture to the Gorgonian Grotto
In hopes that you kids’ll find
The Sugar Bowl

Violet:
This is Violet B to Widdershins
We’re swimming through the cave
And we’re floating
In a most peculiar way
And we can’t see a damned thing anyway

Klaus:
For we
Are swimming underwater
Far from the submarine
Everything is dark
And there’s nothing we can do

Violet:
Though we’ve reached
Gorgonian Grotto’s beach
It all seems very weird
Are we in a submarine, I don’t really know
Tell Quigley I love him very much
He knows

Fiona:
Fiona to Widdershins
Your circuit’s dead,
there’s something wrong
Can you hear us, Widdershins?
Can you hear us, Widdershins?
Can you hear us, Widdershins?
Can you….

Klaus:
Here we are searching
Round this large cage
For the Sugar Bowl
Lots of food and junk
But we haven’t had much luck