After removing their blindfolds, the Baudelaires pursue Count Olaf and make it there just in time. Yet, after threatening to let each other’s location known, the kids realize they have little choice but to join him. But at least he fills them in on his plans to go down to the laundry room for the Sugar Bowl, poison everyone with the Medusoid Mycelium, and escape with his boat from the roof. So why kidnap Justice Strauss? Well, because she knows a lot about the kids and he needs an answer about a medical condition they all share. Despite that he could’ve easily figured out they were allergic to peppermints at the Anxious Clown. Besides, Klaus gave Olaf that info very easily for the Verancularly Fastened Door. Yet, once she’s ungagged, Justice Strauss produces Jerome’s book, which contains the sufficient evidence to put Olaf away. But she’s confident her co-judges would give a fair ruling, which the kids shoot down quickly. As for the second question, it’s poison darts which killed Olaf’s parents but more likely when he was an adult. And the third? Well, Klaus just looked at the index of Jerome’s book and looked it up there. However, he knows that Olaf won’t find it in there, which pisses him off. Nevertheless, Violet volunteers to use drag chutes from laundry sheets to get the boat out from the roof while Sunny assists to burn down the hotel which seems like music to Olaf’s ears. Since he’s a pyromaniac at heart. So they help their archenemy set fire in the laundry room and go up the elevator, warning the people on each floor they stop on so the people can get out. Yet, since most people inside still have blindfolds on, you can guess the evacuation efforts will be chaos. Once they reach the top, Violet ties the drag chutes before the children push the boat down. Justice Strauss tries to the kids to stay, but they have already decided to help Olaf escape and go with him at sea. And it’s at sea where we leave the kids with him.

The song I chose at the end of this book is “Down Once More” from Phantom of the Opera where Raoul tracks the Phantom in his lair to rescue Christine while there’s an angry mob pursuing them. It’s a highly emotional moment when Christine tells Erik that she rejects him for being a controlling bastard to her yet she still cared about him. And it ends with the Phantom letting her go with Raoul. In this version, I have the Baudelaires catch up with Count Olaf and help him escape.

“Down Once More” (ASOUE Version)

Violet:
Oh my god, Oh my god

Count Olaf:
Baudelaire orphans, here you are
Want me to give out your place away
Violet:
Not so fast, Olaf
I can yell to everyone and shout out where you are, too, Count..

Count Olaf:
Shit.

Klaus:
We’ll come with you

Count Olaf:
Oh, all right, if you three orphan brats, insist. Seems like we don’t have much choice.

Down once more to the laundry room for the Sugar Bowl
Then we release the Medusoid Mycelium
Next we’ll escape on the rooftop with my own boat
Now there’s just that damned Vernacularly Fastened Door to unlock
Do any of you have the answers to two questions so we can open it?

Justice Strauss:
Olaf, I strongly object to this
This is absurd!

Here I have Jerome’s book
Contains evidence I have looked
But it proves that you’re a crook
And that you will soon be booked
Olaf, Olaf…
You’re fucked…

Violet:
Did you see your co-magistrates?
They’d let him get away

Crowd:
Track down these murderers they must be found!
Track down these murderers they must be found!
Hunt out these children, who run the ground! Too long they caused us pain, but now we know, the Baudelaire orphan kids are here deep
Down inside!
He’s here the notorious Count Olaf…
He’s here the notorious Count Olaf…

Justice Stauss:
I have known them for years, how could all this be true?
They told me everything that I know about you.

Count Olaf:
Those two judges were aligned with me and helped me escape, so the Baudelaire brats were right the whole time…

Justice Strauss:
Jesus Christ, what the hell have I already done?

Count Olaf:
Okay, Justice, answer the first question
You don’t want a harpoon in your chest then
Tell me if you dare, now tell me
What medical ailment these Baudelaire orphans all face
Klaus:
We all have peppermint allergies, Olaf
You should’ve known from the Anxious Clown

Count Olaf:
Now, I’ve long known, the second one
Since my folks were killed by poisoned darts
That means there’s just the third one left
Since books take long to read, we’d be caught before we start

Klaus:
I know
I’ve figured out the last one
It’s in Jerome’s book

Count Olaf:
Mob will overrun us by Chapter 1!

Klaus:
I just went to the index

Count Olaf:
You did that
I always wondered
You did that
Who would’ve thought that?

Klaus:
Well, it helps me get to the right page

Violet:
Klaus, Klaus…
You help Olaf…

Klaus:
Come on, sisters..
My girls, Olaf won’t find it
Since the Sugar Bowl isn’t there

Count Olaf:
Where’s that bowl, would you like harpoon or spores?

Violet:
Push your boat from the roof, how?
A boat like that will not survive the fall
I can get it down for you, everyone’s failed us
I will use laundry sheets
To make drag chutes from the roof
For I know you’re our only ticket out of here
You’ll need a crew
This is the point of no return!

Klaus:
Our sister Sunny is willing to help you burn down the hotel, so we’d make our escape

Count Olaf:
Didn’t know Vi had a mind like McGyver…
Or how your kid sister had love for fire…
Wished Carmelita had your spunk…
I was so busy with errands, arson must’ve escaped from me

Justice Strauss:
Too late for turning back, too late for prayers and even arson

Count Olaf:
Go help your sister and start that fire
We’ll use this gas and book, I’ll get the matches

Violet and Klaus:
No matter what we choose, we cannot win!

Count Olaf:
Cocktail party’s now postponed
Release spores before chemicals

Violet:
Let’s press every button to warn folks

Justice Strauss:
Good idea, children…

Count Olaf:
Past the point of no return –

Klaus:
Fire’s spreading,
Sisters, let’s go!

Violet:
I’ll get the sheets

Count Olaf:
… the final threshold…

Violet:
Call the fire department straight away!

Klaus:
There’s a fire in basement

Count Olaf:
Keep blindfolds on you, girls, there is no blaze

Klaus:
You want your Esme to burn?

Man with Beard But No Hair:
Wonderful fire

Count Olaf:
We’ve passed the point of no return …

Violet:
You need to leave
Now go, please hurry!

Count Olaf:
We’ve reached the rooftop, now let’s go

Justice Strauss:
Thank you for stopping Count Olaf
From releasing the deadly shroom
But why are you going with him, what is wrong with you?

Crowd:
Track down this murderer he must be found!
There is a fire inside, we should get out! Take off our blindfolds now, go through the front door! We got to hunt down the Baudelaires!
Deep down inside!

Violet:
Must tie – drag chutes – Devil’s tongue knot…

Count Olaf:
Wish I’d open – fungus on them all…

Klaus:
Move fast – building’s come unsound

Count Olaf:
Push the boat – leave here now, before the chemicals, it’s burned to the ground, or reaches the roof
GO NOW!
GO NOW AND LEAVE HERE!

Klaus:
Count Olaf…
Sugar Bowl fell into the pond
Not the laundry room

Violet:
So, Sunny, you really thought to send a fire signal
Take the spatulas

Justice Strauss:
Stay here, children, we’ll go to the authorities
We’ll go down and you’ll explain it all

Violet:
No one will believe us

Klaus:
We can’t

Violet:
We’re sorry

Count Olaf:
Out to sea with no one else in sight

Sunny:
The last safe place is safe no more tonight

The next day, Frank or Ernest wakes up the Baudelaires to give them blindfolds for the trial since “justice is blind” as well as tea without sugar. I know this literal interpretation doesn’t make sense like the constitutional interpretations from conservative Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. In fact, everyone in the court has to wear them save the judges. And it’s not long the manager comes to collect the kids for trial. Justice Strauss begins the proceedings at noon, letting everyone know that the authorities are standing outside the hotel to apprehend the guilty party. And that they meant to hold the trial on Thursday but Dewey’s untimely death pushed it up. Anyway, Olaf doesn’t see himself as guilty mostly because he wants to avoid the authorities and erase his crimes. The Baudelaires are less so, but they know they’re more innocent than the count and just want to live their lives. Anyway, after the pleas and occupations are submitted, various volunteers and villains submit pieces of evidence which may or may not have anything to do with the case at hand. Yet, once the Baudelaires are called to testify, they recognize something odd about Justice Strauss. So risking contempt of court, they peek from their blindfolds and find that the kindly judge isn’t there as Count Olaf bundles her away toward the elevator. Not to mention, the other judges consist of the Man with a Beard But No Hair and the Woman with Hair But No Beard who are clearly in league with Olaf.

Since it’s a court scene, I couldn’t think of a better number like “The Bells of Notre Dame” from Disney’s Hunchback of Notre Dame. Of course, the original has Clopin tell the prologue on Quasimodo’s origins with Frollo killing his gypsy mother. And yes, he’s a cold-hearted bastard who thinks he’s better than anyone else and incapable of seeing fault within. Which would make him perfect for the Trump Administration. In this version, I basically have the trial at the Hotel Denouement to Justice Strauss’s abduction.

“The Trial at Denouement”

Justice Strauss:
High noon in city, V.F.D. awaits
The trial at Denouement
We’re trying Count Olaf and the Baudelaires
At the court of Denouement
Justice is blind, so put on your blindfold
As I start the proceedings at once
So we can bring these folks to justice
Now let us begin
The trial at Denouement

Listen, I call this court to order
We were going to schedule this trial for tomorrow
But Dewey Denouement’s death bumped it today
We have authorities standing outside to arrest the guilty party when the trial is done.

Esme:
By the way, you can join Olaf and me for a cocktail party then.

Count Olaf:
Wealthy women are especially welcome.

Justice Strauss:
State your occupation and how do you pleas?

Count Olaf:
Impresario. Innocent.

Violet:
Volunteer.

Klaus:
Concierge.

Sunny:
Child.

Count Olaf:
I object. Their occupations should be “orphan” or “large fortune inheritor.”

Klaus:
We’re comparatively innocent.

Justice Strauss:
Now we’ve begun, please come submit evidence
For the trial at Denouement

Geraldine:
My Daily Punctilio articles

Sir:
Shoddy employment records.

Charles:
Environmental studies.

Mr. Remora:
Here are some grade books with their test scores
For the trial at Denouement

Mrs. Bass:
Bank blueprints

Vice Principal Nero:
Administrative records

Hal:
Some paperwork

Mr. Poe:
These financial records

Justice Strauss:
Anyone else, do I have any more takers?
Take your time, don’t be shy, won’t be long
Since what you contribute
Can either release or condemn

Mr. Lesko:
Some V.F.D. rulebooks

Mrs. Morrow:
V.F.D. constitutions

Justice Strauss:
The trial at Denouement

Crowd:
Kyrie Eleison (Lord have mercy)

Jerome:
Here’s my brand-new book
On Olaf’s crimes
Of vice and sin

Crowd:
Kyrie Eleison (Lord have mercy)

Frank:
And my own notebook
For this hotel
For use within

Freaks:
Here’s a drawing, books and carnival poster.

Esme:
Some ruby-encrusted blank pages

Justice Strauss:
Okay.

Crowd:
Dies irae, dies illa (Day of wrath, that day)
Solvet saeclum in favilla (Shall consume the world in ashes)
Teste David cum sibylla (As prophesied by David and the sibyl)
Quantus tremor est futurus (What trembling is to be)
Quando Judex est venturus (When the Judge is come)

Carmelita:
And a book telling of how wonderful I am

Count Olaf:
And my poem proclaiming my innocence which should be spelled “O-L-A-F.”

Justice Strauss:
Very well.
Onto opening statements

Stand, Baudelaire children
Let the High Court listen to your story

Violet:
Since Mr. Poe told of our parents’ fiery deaths
On the shore of Briny Beach

Count Olaf:
I am guiltless. They ran, I pursued.

Klaus:
Each moment, our story’s been a long dreadful yarn
Of sins and dastardly deeds

Count Olaf:
My conscience is clear

Violet:
Justice Strauss, why do you seem so silent?
Remove blinds, something must’ve gone wrong
Jesus Christ, where’s Justice Strauss?
For her seat is now bare at the trial
At the trial at Denouement

Crowd:
Kyrie Eleison (Lord have mercy)

Klaus:
Olaf’s got her bound and gagged
And with that harpoon gun

Chorus
Kyrie Eleison (Lord have mercy)

Man with Beard But No Hair and Woman with Hair But No Beard:
We hold you in contempt of court
Removing your blindfolds

Klaus:
What must we do?

Violet:
Take off your blindfolds, this trial’s a joke
Run by notorious villains.

Man with Beard But No Hair:
Please don’t, these Baudelaires are tricking you

Woman with Hair But No Beard:
Justice Strauss is out enjoying saltwater taffy.

Klaus:
That’s bullshit.

Violet:
Let’s get out
Towards the elevator where
Olaf’s keeping Strauss

Man with Beard But No Hair:
Everyone, go after them

Woman with Hair But No Beard:
They’re headed toward the elevators.

Trying to get good folks
Arrested like ourselves
Go after them

Violet:
Don’t tell me there’s another mob.

Klaus:
And they have blindfolds on, too. Let’s get out of here.

Sunny, keep the elevators open for now
We flee the trial at Denouement
Now lets us save Justice Strauss once and for all

Baudelaires and Crowd:
In the trial, trial, trial, trial, trial
Trial, trial, trial, trial
Trial at Denouement

Naturally, the Baudelaires spend the rest of the night crying themselves to sleep. Yet, this time, they’re awaiting a trial and with no lawyer to advise their defense (why?), you can see how down they feel. While they’re mostly convinced they’re innocent, they’re not sure if Count Olaf will be found guilty or they will. Sure Justice Strauss is on their side but who knows what the other judges are like. Or whether they’ll be fair to them. After all, while we know that the Baudelaires are innocent, adults in this series usually don’t believe whatever they say. So they usually end up screwed.

The song I picked while awaiting trial is “Close Every Door to Me” from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. In the original, Joseph is in prison after falling victim to workplace harassment involving Popitar’s wife. In this version, I have Violet lament on what’s befalling her and her siblings before the trial that could either save or condemn them.

“Close Every Door to Me” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet Baudelaire

Violet:
Close every door to me,
Hide all the world from me
Bar all the windows
And shut out the light
Do what you want with me,
Hate me and laugh at me
Darken my daytime
And torture my night
If my life were important I
Would ask will I live or die
But I know the answers lie
Far from this world
Close every door to me,
Keep those I love from me
Children of Beatrice
Are never alone
For I know I shall find
My own peace of mind
For we must go find us
A home of our own

Guests:
Close every door to me,
Hide all the world from me
Bar all the windows
And shut out the light

Violet:
Just give me a number
Instead of my name
Forget all about me
And let me decay
I do not matter,
I’m only one person
Destroy me completely
Then throw me away
If my life were important I
Would ask will I live or die
But I know the answers lie
Far from this world

Violet and Guests:
Close every door to me,
Keep those I love from me
Children of Beatrice
Are never alone
For we know we shall find
Our own peace of mind
For we must go find us
A home of our own

Inside the lobby, it doesn’t take long for the hotel guests and staff identify the Baudelaires as murderers since the Daily Punctilio has painted them as such for quite some time. But the crowd is as divided as it is chaotic. So Justice Strauss has to show up to sort things out. However, the two other judges have to arrive and she’s confident they’ll come up with the right verdict. So in the meantime, Count Olaf and the Baudelaires will be confined to a couple of rooms until then, for their own safety and from causing. A significant faction thinks the children are on a killing spree while you trust Olaf with anything. The kids are sent to 121 which is basically a closet while Olaf is sent to 165. Oh, and they don’t have attorneys to consult with in the meantime.  Seriously, how could there not be lawyers in the entire hotel? But at least Strauss is on their side since Count Olaf is her neighbor while she was acquainted with the Baudelaires while they lived with him as their guardian.

The song I went with here is “The Arrest” from Jesus Christ Superstar which depicts Judas’s betrayal with a kiss, Jesus’s arrest by the Romans in the advent of his crucifixion, and initial interrogation by the Sanhedrin who can get nothing from him. In this version, I have Justice Strauss try to quell the crowds and explain the situation to the Baudelaires.

“The Arrest” (ASOUE Version)

Mr. Poe:
There they are, the Baudelaires, the kids

Violet:
Mr. Poe, you should know our innocence

Geraldine:
What’s the buzz? Tell me what’s happening

Guests and Staff:
What’s the buzz? Tell me what’s happening
Hang on kids, we’re gonna fight for you

Violet:
Why’re you here for?
Don’t you know it’s almost morning?
Not sure which side you’re on
Why are you obsessed with fighting?
Please just hear us from now on

Crowd:
Tell me, kids, how you feel tonight
Do you plan to put up a fight?
Do you feel that you’ve had the breaks?
What would you say were your big mistakes?
Are you nice or just child killers?
Are vicious thugs or noble volunteers?
How do you view your coming trial?
Have your crimes proved at all worthwhile?

Justice Strauss:
Come with me sort this all out
We’ll just need two more judges’ help
Don’t be sad, know I’m on your side
And we’ll try Count Olaf, too

Crowd:
Come on, kids, this is not like you
Let us know what you’re gonna do
You know what your supporters feel
You’ll escape in the final reel
Tell me, kids, how you feel tonight
Do you plan to put up the fight?
Do you feel that you’ve had the breaks?
What would you say were your big mistakes?

Justice Strauss:
Come with me to Room 121
You’ll be safe from great harm, I swear
Manager, please take them away
Take them there to await their trial

Crowd:
Now we have them! Now we have got them!

Justice Strauss:
Children, you must realize
The serious charges facing you
You say you’re all innocent
In all your handouts – well, is it true?

Klaus:
That’s what you say – you say that we are

Justice Strauss:
While we’re at it, gentlemen
We’ll lock Count Olaf in Room 165
I’m sure he’ll have his trial
Stay a while and we’ll see him bleed

Crowd:
Now we have him! Now we have got him!
Take him to trial!

Meanwhile, Dewey still refuses to open the Vernacularly Fastened Door to the point he’s even suggesting it being a decoy. But he does tell the Baudelaires the three terms such as a medical condition the all share, what killed Count Olaf’s parents, and the unfathomable question in Richard Wright’s best known novel. Olaf is pissed that he doesn’t know two of the answers while the Baudelaires are confused since they know as many as he does. Maybe it’s Dewey’s way of encouraging collaboration but you’ll never know. Anyway, after Dewey makes a sharp comeback at him, asks Esme to help him, but she refuses since they’ve fallen out. Jerome then asks something along the lines of, “So are you taking me back?” Again, Esme turns him down, meaning they’ll probably end up getting a divorce if Jerome has the balls to do so. Eventually Olaf realizes that if he wants anything done, he’ll have to do it himself. So he decides to shoot Dewey at the count of ten. But the Baudelaires immediately stand in front of him to prevent any harm being done to him. As Olaf counts, they immediately grab the harpoon gun and persuade that Olaf doesn’t have to be evil. But Mr. Poe shows up which distracts him into handing the gun to the children who accidently set it off by dropping it on the floor. Guess who gets hit and dies? Yep, Dewey. He stumbles backwards out the door into the pond. The Baudelaires rush into help but are too late. Sunny tells him, “We failed you,” but he shakes his head, murmuring “Kit” as he slips into the water. So now Kit Snicket’s unborn baby will start life without a father. This sets off the whole hotel waking up in chaos. Though the children try to explain that Dewey’s death was an accident, it doesn’t help. A mysterious taxi driver does offer them an escape from the hotel, but pompous ass Mr. Poe steers them back.

Once again, I turn to Hamilton with “Blow Us All Away” which depicts Philip Hamilton challenging George Eacker to a duel for insulting his famous father. This eventually leads to his death and a massive emotional blow to Alexander and his family. In this version, I have Dewey get killed and the whole Hotel Denouement erupting in chaos over it.

“Blow Us All Away” (ASOUE Version)

Dewey:
Vernacular Fastened Door’s just a mere decoy
Though FYI Baudelaires, I’ll give you the terms to deploy
Only takes three phrases, I’m confident you’ll figure them out
First phrase is about the kind of medical all you three got
Second’s is what brought down Olaf’s parents
The third’s a question Richard Wright asks in
His best-known novel, hope you get that?
Now you hear me say
That someday
You would–

Troupe:
Blow us all away

Count Olaf:
Dewey, I don’t know two of those answers

Dewey:
Well, if you had less greed, and sat down to read, sir

Count Olaf:
What do you mean, Dewey, I’ve got better things I’m doing than that

Dewey:
And that’s why, children, people end up going bad

Count Olaf:
Can somebody shoot a harpoon to knock him off
C’mon, show em’ your chops, Esme

Esme:
We broke it off, Count Olaf
Get out and buzz off

Jerome:
Good for you, Esme, you flicked him off
How ‘bout we both get back, and we’ll strip down to our socks?

Esme:
No way!

Troupe:
Blow us all away!

Count Olaf:
Dewey!

Dewey:
What?

Count Olaf:
Dewey!

Dewey:
What is it you really want to know?

Count Olaf:
Well, if I have to get anything done
I must do it myself though
Now just answer the two questions
Or else I’ll shoot you dead, and after a count of ten

Troupe:
Ooooooooooh!

Count Olaf:
One, two, three

Violet:
You’ll have to go through us

Klaus:
While we grab your harpoon gun

Count Olaf:
Well, this is fucking messed up
But I’ve been bad for so long what else can be done?

Violet:
No need to stay vile, Olaf

Klaus:
You can drop the gun now

Mr. Poe:
Oh, what’s going on down here, at this late-night hour
Came here about a recent bank heist, kids, why how?

Count Olaf:
Not mine

Violet:
Jesus Christ, can’t handle it, drop it to the ground!

Klaus:
Holy shit, that’s too fast, we set it off, oh, my God!

Mr. Poe:
What the hell did you Baudelaires just do now?

Violet:
Sorry, Dewey, it was an accident, didn’t mean you’d get shot

Klaus:
Jesus, we’ve fucked up

Dewey:
You didn’t fail me. Oh, my Kit

Violet and Klaus:
Now we’re really in a tight spot here

Klaus:
Jesus Christ, what are we gonna do?

Guest #1:
Did someone get shot from a gun with a big harpoon?

Guest #2:
Just like the paper said, it’s those evil Baudelaires!

Violet:
There’s been an accident in the whole affair

Klaus:
We dropped the gun which discharged. Dewey’s a goner

Guest #3:
We must observe everything if we’re all men of honor

Guest #4:
No, intrude right now, only ask questions later

Guest #5:
Call the police since we want to stay safe around here

Mr. Poe:
Children–

Guest #6:
We should call the manager.

Guest #7:
Quick, get a concierge.

Guest #8:
Get my mother!

Guest #9:
Now’s the time, look for clues.

Guest #10:
Get our guns. Be smart, or we’re screwed, dude

Violet:
Well, are we killers?
They think so.

Klaus:
We’re really nervous, do we stay or go?
And if we ran, where do we go from here
A place there’s no Olaf or V.F.D. but where?

Taxi:
Children, best get into my taxi
Let’s go

Violet:
We got no dough

Taxi Driver:
Though it seems to me
Are you the three nice children, you all seem?

Sunny:
We don’t know!

Mr. Poe:
Okay, Baudelaires, what went on here
You’ve got no cause criminal behavior
Go back to the hotel, Baudelaire killers, you’ll be tried—

Male guests:
One two three four

Guests:
Five six seven—

After the Baudelaires try to defend themselves like the nth time, little else gets discussed about the Sugar Bowl. Esme wants it back because she believed that Beatrice stole it from her (except she didn’t, Lemony did). She then threatens to have Carmelita shoot Dewey which erupts into an argument between the spoiled brat and Count Olaf. This ends with Olaf yelling that he never wanted Carmelita anyway, surprising practically nobody but Esme. And he thinks she can use some discipline, which means the girl must be a real piece of shit. Notwithstanding this results into a domino effect and a heated argument between Count Olaf and Esme on whether she quit, was fired, or left by mutual agreement. In any case, they split up as a result which doesn’t make anyone miss them as a couple. In fact, you kind of have some respect for Olaf dumping Esme for her obsession of fashion and narcissism. And while she’s sitting around relaxing, he’s doing all the hard work. Which is fair.

The song I chose is “You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon whom I’m not really sure is about. Warren Beatty, maybe? Whoever it is, it’s more of a critical profile of a self-absorbed love who doesn’t seem to care about anyone else. Count Olaf and Esme would qualify in spades. Seriously, these two are just utterly terrible people you want to push off a cliff. In this version, I have Count Olaf and Esme arguing and breaking up.

“You’re So Vain” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf and Esme Squalor

Count Olaf:
You walked into the salon
Like you were walking on a yacht
You had two lettuce leaves placed on your breasts
A couple covered your crotch
You had one eye on the mirror
As you watched that brat gavotte
Thought I’d just take that girl’s harpoon gun
That girl’s harpoon gun, and

You’re so vain
You probably think this scheme is about you
You’re so vain,
I’ll bet you think this scheme is about you
Don’t you?
Don’t you?

Esme Squalor:
Oh, you had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me
You had some dreams involving stealing kids’ fortunes
Stealing kids’ fortunes, and

You’re so vain
You probably think this scheme is about you
You’re so vain, you’re so vain
I’ll bet you think this scheme is about you
Don’t you?
Don’t you?
Don’t you?

Count Olaf:
You’re too obsessed wearing the strangest fashions
The strangest fashions, and

You’re so vain
You probably think this scheme is about you
You’re so vain, you’re so vain
I’ll bet you think this scheme is about you
Don’t you?
Don’t you?

Esme:
Well I hear you went to the Mortmain Mountain
Where Kit Snicket stole your heart
Then you went into the hinterlands with Madame Lulu
To know where the Baudelaires are
Well, you’re where you should be all the time
And when you’re not, you’re with some V.F.D. spy
Or the wife of a close friend,
Wife of a close friend, and

You’re so vain
You probably think this scheme is about you
You’re so vain, you’re so vain
I’ll bet you think this scheme is about you
Don’t you?
Don’t you?
Don’t you?

Both:
You’re so vain
You probably think this scheme is about you
You’re so vain,
You probably think this scheme is about you
You’re so vain

When talk of the Sugar Bowl comes up, it’s revealed that Carmelita shot down two crows and that Violet gave her the harpoon gun until Esme called her off. Justice Strauss is naturally shocked by this. But Violet said she had no idea what Carmelita was supposed to do with it. Then it’s revealed that Klaus hung the bird paper from the window over the pond and launches into a similar defense. After all, the plan was for the crow to fly with the Sugar Bowl that someone was supposed to shoot with a harpoon gun so it can fly into the laundry vent. Oh, and they try to urge the freaks they don’t have to work for Olaf anymore. Yet, the Baudelaires always need to defend themselves against certain allegations because many adults appear to believe in the worst of them throughout the series.

The song I decided to go with is “Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood” by Nina Simone and famously covered by the Animals. Though this song pertains to misunderstandings in relationships like “just because I get mad and do stupid stuff doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Because I do” kind of thing. In this version, I have Violet and Klaus try to defend themselves over the harpoon gun and the bird paper since they were doing as instructed.

“Don’t Let Us Be Misunderstood”

Violet:
Come on, please understand me now
Didn’t know what she’s supposed to do
Esme told me to get her a harpoon gun
I didn’t want to give her
Didn’t know she’d shoot a crow or two

We’re just three kids whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don’t let us be misunderstood

Klaus:
Come on, do I have to make you see
Why I hung bird paper from outside
Cause one of Dewey’s two brothers
Instructed me to hang it
Said was for catching eagles, not sure why

We’re just three kids whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don’t let us be misunderstood

Violet:
You are good people, I want you to know
You three could be achieving so much more
Why work for Olaf, he’s a bastard and blows
Tell him where to stick it and go out the door
Cause you’re much more

Klaus:
Oh, oh, oh, come on, can’t you believe us
For you’ve let us down before
For God’s sake, we’re not trying to deceive you
Do we really need to convince you anymore?

We’re just three kids whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don’t let us be misunderstood

Both:
We’re just three kids whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don’t let us be misunderstood

We’re just three kids whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don’t let us be misunderstood

We’re just three kids whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don’t let us be misunderstood

It doesn’t take long for Count Olaf’s crew to show up. The carnival freaks show up after wearing various disguises by this point. Esme shows up along with Carmelita with her harpoon gun which she seems to have hit a couple birds with it. Though they briefly discuss the cocktail party, Olaf then threatens everyone with the highly poisonous Medusoid Mycelium which he snatched from the Baudelaires on the Queequeg that he intends to use as a biological weapon. Since its spores grow fast, thrive in closed spaces, and kill within an hour unless you can apply the horseradish antidote before then. And then they move onto the Sugar Bowl.

The song I chose for this is “Heaven on Their Minds” from Jesus Christ Superstar where Judas tells Jesus to come back to earth and his worries about how the public perceives him, which he views as dangerous. In this versions, I have Count Olaf berate the Baudelaires again about their parents, adult figures in their life, and others. He also discusses his plans for the Hotel Denouement which involve poisoning everyone with the Medusoid Mycelium.

“Bullsh*t on Your Minds”

My mind is clearer now
At last, all too well
I can see where we all soon will be
If you strip away
The myth from the man
You will see where we all soon will be

Orphans!
Do you really believe
That there is any good
You really do believe
These adults care for you
For each adult you name
Has greatly let you down
While they can be countered
By those who’d want you drowned

Listen, orphans, I don’t like what I see
All I ask is that you listen to me
And remember
I’ve never been far behind you all along
I have set so many fires
You always see through my disguises
But you somehow make my plans go wrong

I remember when this whole thing began
Mr. Poe made me your very first guardian
And believe me
My great resentment for you hasn’t died
But everything you do or say
Gets twisted ’round some other way
As I hurt you while they buy my lies

Baudelaires, you orphan brats
Should have stole your fucking cash
Would have killed you when I should
I’d have made good
Put you kids in oaken chests
Would have suited orphans best
You’d have caused nobody harm, no one alarm

Listen, orphans, want to know of my plans:
Infecting all with Medusoid Mycelium
Everyone will die
As the spores will strangle you within the hour

I will poison the whole crowd
As they’ll be getting much too loud
And I’ll crush them as they go too far
As they go too far

Listen, orphans, to the warning I give
Please remember that I want one to live
But it’s sad to see
Your chances weakening with every hour
All you Baudelaires are blind
Fucking bullshit on your minds
It was amusing, but now it’s sour
Yes it’s all gone sour

Listen, orphans, to the warning I give
Please remember that I want one to live
C’mon, c’mon
They won’t listen to me
C’mon, c’mon
They won’t listen to me

As with any book in A Series of Unfortunate Events, Count Olaf is bound to show up at some point. And he’s glad to have the Baudelaires in his clutches. Mistaking him as Ernest, Count Olaf demands to hand the kids over, Dewey refuses while his existence seems like news to the villainous actor. After they argue about the children and who has more people on their side, Olaf reveals that Fernald and Fiona have defected and stole his submarine, which you could totally see coming in The Grim Grotto. For one, even though she betrayed the Baudelaires and broke Klaus’s heart, Fiona put them above doing Olaf’s bidding by letting them escape in the Queequeg from The Carmelita. Because she only joined the count to be with her brother. Secondly, if you want to keep your henchmen close to you, pilfering their mom’s jewelry and taking away what’s supposed to be a gift to use a biological weapon is a terrible idea. Let’s just say you can see their defection coming. Yet, Olaf also points out to the kids that they can’t trust any of these people since they let them down. Not to mention, each person that the kids name present in the hotel can be countered by someone there who doesn’t give two shits about them. Then there are people like Mr. Poe who may not be on their side but they’ve ended up being a bigger help to Olaf than them. He then berates the Baudelaires telling them that there are no noble people in this world. Sunny mentions the parents, but there may be some dark secret Olaf knows about them, too. Though you have to admit, their parents totally sucked at estate planning.

For this song, I decided to go with the “Phantom of the Opera” theme from the musical. In the original, the Phantom hypnotizes Christine and leads her to his lair to make her sing like a canary which can come off as, well, creepy. Despite how the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical have made him a sex symbol, Erik the Phantom is a bad guy who’s possessive and controlling of Christine Daae. What they have isn’t a relationship based on love but abuse and male entitlement. And while Erik might be an outcast due to his face, he’s not a guy you should sympathize with over Christine rejecting him. And it’s part of why I whenever I parody this musical, I mostly give the Phantom’s part to villains. In this version, I have Count Olaf return to the Baudelaires yet again.

“Count Olaf Has Come After Us Again”

Violet:
When we escape from him, he always came
To make our lives a hell and smear our names
He’s in our nightmares and now we find
Count Olaf has come after us again
Like every time

Count Olaf:
Sing once again with me our strange duet
My power over you grows stronger yet
And though you run from me I’m close behind
Count Olaf has come after you again
For the last time

Violet:
We’re just stand in this room

Count Olaf:
Ernest, come here

Dewey:
My name is Dewey, sir
Stand back from here

Count Olaf:
So there are three of you
Thought there were two

Klaus:
Count Olaf has come after us again
And we can’t hide

Violet:
Beware, no good will come from Olaf

Count Olaf:
Tri-Eyes and Hooky, they stole my sub
You can’t trust anyone

Klaus:
Well, now you’re through

Count Olaf:
Good adults always let you down and help my side
Count Olaf has come after you again

Violet:
Go fuck your lies

Count Olaf:
Nobody’s good, orphans!

Violet:
You’re wrong, our parents were always noble (Vocalizes)

Count Olaf:
Sing!
Sing you brat!
Sing, like you mean it!
Sing you brat!

I have come here
To the scene of the Thursday’s event
To Hotel Denouement where it will all go to hell
Delightful…

I have come here
For one purpose and one alone
Every person who cares about you
Can be countered by one who don’t give a shit
You dumb orphans
Fuck orphans…

Of course, the Baudelaires wonder why Dewey would tell him about his secret underwater library with a catalog consisting of the pond’s reflection. Well, considering the information they gathered, he thinks the kids should. He also compliments the kids assorted talents and how he needs people to invent, research, and cook. He also lets them know that Charles has been looking for them and that Hal is sort of a volunteer. Not to mention, the fact people do care about them. However, Klaus mentions that they were responsible for burning down Madame Lulu’s tent (despite they were forced to). But Dewey reassures the Baudelaires that they are “noble enough” and “That’s all we can ask for in this world.” As the little group stands crying, a taxi shows up carrying Jerome Squalor and Justice Strauss who have been following the kids since they parted company. Jerome has written a book about injustice and Count Olaf’s crimes called Odious Lusting After Finance. The kids are delighted despite that Jerome is Esme’s husband and definitely let them down by giving them up since he doesn’t like to argue. Not to mention, Justice Strauss almost unwittingly officiated an illegal marriage between Violet and Count Olaf in the first book. But since they’re nice people, the children forgive them. Yet, amid the hugging, Dewey still points out there are things to be done and reveals that he gave Sunny the Vernacularly Fastened Door which only he knows how to unlock. However, when the large clock strikes 1, someone has to show up to ruin the party.

Again, I turn to Les Miserables with “ABC Café/Red and Black” which pertains to Marius’s friends making fun of him for falling in love with Cosette while Enjorlas trying to convince everyone that their are more important things at hand like an armed insurrection against the government for the middle and lower classes. Let’s just say that Marius would be better off spending more time with his girlfriend. Still, keep in mind, this armed demonstration is the June Rebellion from the 1830s which Victor Hugo personally witnessed, not the French Revolution. Seriously, if you watch anything pertaining to Les Miserables, the clothing clearly comes from the 1800s. In this version, I have Dewey and the Baudelaires greet Justice Strauss and Jerome Squalor and talk about what’s to be done on Thursday.

“Red and Black” (ASOUE Version)

Klaus:
Why nobody
Told us anything about V.F.D.

Violet:
Why do you tell
Us about your water catalog

Dewey:
Violet, Klaus, and Sunny
You’ve got so much info
You can invent, research, and cook
Which can’t be overlooked

The time is near
So near, it’s stirring the blood in their veins
And yet beware
Don’t let the doubt go to your brains

For the villains we fight are all dangerous foes
They want the Sugar Bowl and will do what they can
The will burn houses, take cash, and ruin our lives
But having them here makes them simpler to catch
We need a sign
Unite volunteers
Gathering right here
To bring them in line!

J.S. are late

Kids, hear me
Don’t think you’re here all alone
Folks come here looking for you

Klaus:
Dewey you see, we’re not so sweet
We burned Madame L’s library
We’re not as noble as you let on

Dewey:
You may be flawed
You may do wrong
You’re noble enough all along
That’s all we can ask in this world
Is that a taxi coming to stop
J.S. have made it after all
‘Cuse me as I make this call

It is time for us all
To decide who we are
Hello, Ms. Justice Strauss
Please to meet Jerome Squalor
Have you asked of yourselves
What’s the price you might pay?
I think you know
These Baudelaires, you say
The color of the world
Is changing day by day

Red – the blood of angry men
Black – the dark of ages past
Red – a world about to dawn
Black – the night that ends at last

Justice Strauss:
We’ve both looked for you
Since we saw you last
For we heard word
That you have come here at last
You may not even heard
How so many have watched you
As the days have gone fast
And what was right
Seems wrong
And what was wrong
Seems right

Jerome and Justice Strauss:
Red

Dewey:
I feel my soul on fire

Jerome and Justice Strauss:
Black

Dewey:
My world if Kit’s not there

Jerome and Justice Strauss
Red

Dewey:
The color of desire

Jerome and Justice Strauss:
Black

Dewey:
The color of despair

Jerome:
Baudelaires, you’re not naïve kids
I was inspired by my own wife
But now there is a higher call
I wrote a book of injustices you know
We strive toward a larger goal
Your little lives count after all

All:
Red – the blood of angry men
Black – the dark of ages past
Red – a world about to dawn
Black – the night that ends at last

Jerome:
Well, Baudelaires, you’re nobler than us

Dewey:
Jerome, Justice S., our time is running short

Justice Strauss:
Spent all day looking for crows
Now what else you want to know?

Jerome:
We came here around night
It’s too dark to see some light

Dewey:
Sunny, I gave you that fancy door device

Klaus:
You know of the bad guys in this big hotel?

Justice Strauss:
I’ve tried some guests in my courtroom

Sunny:
Oh, dear.

Jerome:
And about those deadly shrooms

Violet:
Do we need?

Dewey:
Only I know how to unlock that door

Klaus:
Well, that’s not good

Dewey:
So Sugar Bowl’s safe

Violet:
Maybe you should tell us

Justice Strauss:
Once Thursday comes
It’s done
The villains will be in one place
They will be jailed
Justice is the sign we await

After Thursday, Count Olaf is already done
He’ll be behind bars with each passing year
No more stealing fortunes or setting off flames
You will see that day of salvation is near

The time is here
Let us welcome it gladly with courage and cheer
Let us volunteers have no doubts in our hearts
But a jubilant shout
They will come one and all
They will come when we call