A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “At the Coastal Shelf”

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When the Baudelaires are out scavenging on the island for useful junk Ishmael would approve of, they find a giant raft of books with an unconscious and very pregnant Kit Snicket on top. However, Count Olaf emerges from behind in a ridiculous Kit Snicket disguise. And guess what he has for a pregnant belly. Yep, the Medusoid Mycelium diving helmet which he intends to deploy as a biological weapon to kill everyone within an hour. Yet, before the children could act, the islanders show up to check up on the junk. However, unlike in the previous book where the adults fall for Olaf’s disguise and hang by his every word hook, line, and sinker, the colonists aren’t falling for it no matter how hard he tries to convince them. Then Olaf throws a wrench saying that the massive pile of books is a library which Ishmael believes is nothing but trouble. So they try pushing the pile of books on the beach until Klaus and the resident vet tell them that it may not be the safest course of action. And since the islanders can’t think for themselves, they’ll need to get their Dear Leader Ishmael. So they decide to get him to the coast by his sheep pulled sleigh. In the meantime, as they fetch the guy, the islanders leave Friday in charge of guarding him. Like you’d trust a grade school kid with guarding a psychopath.

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The song for this scene I ripped off of was Evita’s “Peron’s Latest Flame” in which the Army and the Argentine upper crust express their disapproval of Colonel Juan Peron’s new actress girlfriend Eva Duarte. Even more so since he’s publicly admitted political ambitions to the presidency. But Eva doesn’t care. In this version, I have the Baudelaires and the castaways find Kit Snicket and Count Olaf in his flimsy disguise as her.

 

“At the Coastal Shelf”

Violet: At the coastal shelf after the second storm
I detect a strong interest for
Klaus: Precisely
Violet: A large raft of books
Klaus: I’m glad you noticed

Violet: The books on shore look rather poor
Klaus: I see a foot
Violet: With a V.F.D. eye ankle tattoo
And a large pregnant bulge
Klaus: And it’s Kit Snicket

Violet:
God, is that Count Oaf dressed as Kit Snicket?
A brand-new look he’s had plenty of time to perfect
But it’s shoddier than any old disguises
He’s clearly got a new hewn plan, I suspect

Klaus: I think I know what he’s got in store
A helmet full of deadly spores
Violet: Exactly
Klaus: Olaf’s latest plan
Violet: You said it brother

Klaus:
Looks like all of the colonists
Approaching the latest mess
The whole thing’s insane

Violet:
That isn’t funny

Islanders:
Olaf’s a tool, thinks we can be fooled
Disguised as a pregnant girl with stubble
This isn’t working, oh good God
We guess Friday’s right about this Olaf guy
He’s no welcomed guest since he’s quite unkind
Someone show him to the shore

The evidence suggests
He’s got evil interests
We can all see through him
He’s exceptionally dim
Cock! Dangerous man

Count Olaf:
There’s a massive bookstack onshore
It’s a large library I’m so sure
Thought that you’d folks like to know
Would like to see how this thing goes

Islanders:
Ish has always said, libraries just lead to troubled hell
Can’t decide anything for ourselves, we need our Ishmael
But if he were here, we’d know what facilitator would sure beseech
He’d tell us libraries are trouble, implore we push the bookstack on the beach

Klaus:
You’re not taking the safest course of action here

Dr. Kurtz:
There’s a pregnant woman on top of the stack there

Islanders:
Must get Ishmael to the shelf
Pull him here with the sheep and the sleigh
Please guard him for awhile when we go off, Friday

Violet:
Do you think this will go well?

Friday:
Ish will sort this all out soon

Count Olaf:
I still possess the gun harpoon
So you should all just play along
Else something will go quite wrong

Friday:
No! Dangerous man

Count Olaf:
It’s just really hard surviving on the island

Friday:
You can stay if you can get along, Count Olaf

Violet:
What the fuck did you just say, Friday?

Klaus:
Give him an inch, he’ll give hell to pay

Count Olaf:
Here, Baudelaires, take the harpoon gun

Klaus:
Sorry, but we’re not falling for that one

Friday:
We must wait for the colonists
Please, Baudelaires, can you please tell me, what these books are

Klaus:
You’ve never seen one

Friday:
Professor Fletcher taught all the kids to read and write
But he teaches us all out of old Ishmael’s sight
I practice from time to time

Hope I can keep some of the books

Klaus:
Ish won’t force you if he could

Friday:
He’ll think I’m all full of crap

Klaus:
Can try some peer pressure back

Friday:
Well, take a load of this

Violet:
Is it who we think it is?

Klaus:
Great seeing you, old snake

Violet:
It’s been long since Lousy Lane

Klaus:
It was one of the Uncle Monty’s snakes
It’s quite harmless despite its name

Count Olaf:
This world is such a damn wicked place

Violet:
While old Ishmael’s coming with a big cage

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A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “That Would Be Enough”

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Since castaways accept the Baudelaires and don’t treat them like criminals, the children fess up and drink the coconut cordial despite that it’s an alcoholic drink which makes them a bit out of it a.k.a. drunk. And I suppose they wake hungover in the morning, too. But at least the booze doesn’t enable them to reveal the items they kept from Ishmael. They even have jobs, too. Violet works in the laundry. Klaus packs Ishmael’s feet with clay. Sunny works in the kitchen, which is easy for her since the food takes minimal preparation and gives her a lot of free time. Though for an aspiring toddler chef, the work is just plain drudgery.  Though life on the island is bearable since there’s no Count Olaf or V.F.D. battle in sight, things aren’t a bed of roses. Ishmael is anti-books which means he’s a bad man and the Baudelaires miss libraries, especially the book-loving Klaus. Not to mention, they spend a lot of time apart doing boring work with barely anything to look forward to, particularly for the Baudelaire sisters. Sunny can’t experiment with new food combinations. Violet can’t even invent a water filtration system to bring fresh water to the island. And the time they can truly hang out together is in a midst of another storm.

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The song I decided to go with is “That Would Be Enough” from Hamilton, in which Eliza tells Alex she’s pregnant and wants him to be alive while her husband is fretting over not being rich enough to provide for her. But Eliza doesn’t mind since she’s married to the man she loves and wants him to stay. However, Alex will eventually have to return to Yorktown. In this version, I have the Baudelaires contemplate about their new lives on the island.

 

“That Would Be Enough” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Look around, look around at how lucky we are
To be alive right now
Look around, look around…

Klaus:
How long we’ve been here?

Violet:
Few days or so

Klaus:
Violet, I miss the libraries

Violet:
Ish won’t give my good ideas any go

Klaus:
Ugh

Violet:
At least Olaf’s not around

Klaus:
Ishmael is forceful

Violet:
I’m not sorry

Klaus:
Though he just says
He’s not forcing us

Violet:
But everyone’s happy to accept all of us
Look around, look around at how lucky we are
To be alive right now.

Klaus:
This life’s not
Fun.

Violet:
Got a good idea for saltwater filtration
Which Ishmael doesn’t even want

Klaus:
The food has no spice
Look around, look around…

Violet:
Look at where we are
Look at where we started
The fact that we’re alive is a miracle
Just stay alive, that would be enough

Klaus:
There’s no V.F.D.
Out battling their own enemies
We’re all far from there, on this small island!
That would be enough

Violet:
I don’t pretend to know
The challenges we’re facing
The thoughts we keep erasing and creating in our minds

But I’m not afraid
We know how we’re living
So long as we come home at the end of the day
That would be enough

Klaus:
We don’t need a legacy
We don’t need money
If we can have some peace of mind
If we could do the things we all love…

Oh, let this be a part of the narrative
In the story they will write someday
Let this moment be a new chapter:
Where we decide to stay
And it could be enough
And we could be enough
That would be enough

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Be Our Guest”

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Before things get too awkward, Miranda Caliban shows up to let everyone know that lunch is ready which is ceviche. What’s that? Well, it’s a raw seafood dish from South America. Since the Baudelaires haven’t eaten anything for awhile, they dig in with their sporks (since knives and forks can be used as weapons according to Ishmael). By the way, they eat ceviche for lunch every day along with seaweed salad for breakfast and onion soup with wild grass for dinner. Oh, and they don’t use spices on their food either so it’s pretty bland. Because Ishmael doesn’t believe in spices so any washed up are taken up to the arboretum. As Miranda and Ishmael toast the Baudelaires with their coconut cordial, Friday lets the kids know she wants them to stay forever. The children aren’t so sure due to Ishmael’s authoritarian demagoguery as well as his bullying and manipulating the other castaways to do what he wants.

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For the song, I went with “Be Our Guest” from Beauty and the Beast. In the original version Belle spends her first meal at the Beast’s castle with magical inanimate objects bringing her a lavish dinner and a show. Of course, the Baudelaires don’t enjoy a meal that’s nearly as magical as that one. Yet, at least they’re not in hostage situation to a guy who intends to date them. Though they really don’t have anywhere else to go and the islanders seem to be happy with them. But that’s why I’d use that song as a parody.

 

“Be Our Guest” (ASOUE Version)

Miranda:
Ma Cherie Baudelaires, it is with deepest pride
And greatest pleasure that we welcome you today
And now we invite you to relax, let us pull up a
chair as the dining room proudly presents – your luncheon!

Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Put our service to the test
Tie your napkin ’round your neck, children
And we provide the rest
Here’s your sporks
Just ceviche
Why, it’s all because of Ish
Try the grey stuff
It’s delicious!
You don’t believe me? Well, it’s fishes
Don’t have much
It’s all bland
On this island, eat what you can
While the dishes here are always second best
It’s not much of a menu
Take a glass and then you’ll
Be our guest
Oui, our guest
Be our guest

Miranda and Islanders:
Not much food
In our way
The same three meals a day

Miranda:
We’ll prepare without some flair
No culinary cabaret!
You’re alone
And you’re scared
But our ceviche’s all prepared
No one’s gloomy or complaining
We’re all castaways remaining
We tell jokes
We do tricks
Though with the word from Ish

Islanders:
And it’s all in perfect taste
That you can bet
Come on and lift your glass
As long as the best cordial lasts
To be our guest

Miranda:
If you’re stressed
Not much dining as you guess

Miranda and Chorus:
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Be our guest!

Miranda:
Life is so unnerving
On an island so deserted
Not really not much to do around here
Ah, those good old days when I was happy
Suddenly those good old days are gone
Ten years I’ve been rusting
Needing so much more than dusting
Needing exercise, a chance to use our skills
Most days we just lay around the island
Flabby, fat and lazy
You walked in and oops-a-daisy!

Friday:
It’s a guest!
It’s a guest!
Sakes alive, well I’ll be blessed!
Cordial’s poured and thank the Lord
I’ve had the napkins freshly pressed
For breakfast
Just seaweed
And my dear that’s fine with me
It’s not cooked since it’s a salad
Kind of bland but you can’t add that
Eat it raw
Very cold
Yes, I know it all gets old
If you’d like, please stay forever if you can

Islanders:
There is so much to do!

Miranda:
Let’s have toast or two
For you, our guest!

Islanders:
They’re our guests!

Friday:
They’re our guests!

Islanders:
They’re our guests!

Islanders:
Be our guest
Be our guest
Our command is your request
It’s been years since we’ve had anybody here
And we’re obsessed
With your meal
With your ease
Yes, indeed, we aim to please
We’ll have onion soup for dinner
With wild grass
It’s kind of thin here
Just one course
It’s no fun
Ish thinks spice goes to arboretum
Then we’ll drink our cordial now as you digest
Today you’ll prop your feet up
But for now, let’s eat up
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Please, be our guest!

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Rock the Boat”

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Just as everyone is dismissed after the scavenging inspection, Ishmael has a talk with the Baudelaires, which basically consists of a lecture stating, “I’ve got a good thing going so don’t mess it up for me.” Except it’s more along the lines of “don’t rock the boat.” As he told the children: “Baudelaires, as your facilitator, allow me to give you a piece of advice, as you begin your stay on this island. Don’t rock the boat. We’ve been living by our customs for quite some time. Most of us can scarcely remember our lives before we became castaways, and there is a whole generation of islanders who have never lived anywhere else. My advice to you is not to ask so many questions or meddle around too much with our customs. We have taken you in, Baudelaires, which is a kindness, and we expect kindness in return. If you keep prying into the affairs of the island, people are going to think you’re unkind—just like Friday thought Olaf was unkind. So don’t rock the boat. After all, rocking the boat is what got you here in the first place.”  Sure the Baudelaires have a habit of upsetting things. But that’s because they’re being chased by a psychopath who wants their money and that no adults don’t believe a word they say.

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Naturally, Ishmael’s lecture to the Baudelaires just has to be turned into a song. So what can be more fitting than the Hues Corporation’s “Rock the Boat.” Though the original is “a love song without being a love song.” However, in this version, Ishmael is exerting his influence as a control freak and fascist killjoy he is.

 

“Rock the Boat” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Ishmael

Islanders:
So I’d like to give you kids some kind of notion
As you stay on this island, you got to know this
To rock the boat, don’t rock the boat children
Rock the boat, don’t tip the boat over
Rock the boat, don’t rock the boat children
Rock the boat

Ishmael:
Ever since folks washed up on this island
We’ve lived by our own customs for long timespans
Most of us can scarcely recall our lives pre-castaway
The younger generation knows nothing, anyway

So be nice and don’t ask many questions
We took you in kind so don’t pry into the affairs of the island

Islanders:
So I’d like to give you kids some kind of notion
As you stay on this island, you got to know this
To rock the boat, don’t rock the boat children
Rock the boat, don’t tip the boat over
Rock the boat, don’t rock the boat children
Rock the boat

Ishmael:
So just be nice and keep to our ways
Or else people will think you’re unkind so know your place
I’ve got a good thing going so don’t upset
Don’t make me lose my cool, or you ain’t seen nothing yet

We’ll take these things to the arboretum
Because the chances are unlikely that you’ll ever need them

Islanders:
So I’d like to give you kids some kind of notion
As you stay on this island, you got to know this
So I’d like to give you kids some kind of notion
As you stay on this island, you got to know this

To rock the boat, don’t rock the boat children
Rock the boat, don’t tip the boat over
Rock the boat, don’t rock the boat children
Rock the boat, ooh

Rock the boat, rock on with our island
Rock the boat, rock on with our island
Rock the boat, rock on with our island
Rock the boat, rock on with our island

Rock the boat
Rock the boat
Rock the boat
Rock the boat

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Ishmael’s Tent”

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Since there was a storm on the island’s shores, the island’s castaways scavenge for junk on the coast which they present to Ishmael. A man named Alonso shows a propeller which Violet claimed she could use as a fan. But Ishmael thinks it would cause too much of a fuss so Alonso puts it on the sleigh. Next it’s Ariel who presents a paper knife, which Klaus thinks could be used for books washing up shore. But Ishmael says if it’s up to him, he’d get rid of it. So she does. Third is Sherman who’s found a cheese grater, which Sunny say she could use to make coconut cake. But Ishmael says he doesn’t have any cheese. So onto the sleigh it goes. And so it goes for all the other islanders who manage to find crap. Let’s just say while Ishmael claims he doesn’t force anyone to do what he wants, somehow his followers heed him by every word as he leads them in the direction he wants. This pisses off the Baudelaires since they feel all the stuff being hauled off to the arboretum can be of use, particularly to their talents.

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In this part, I used “The Temple” song from Jesus Christ Superstar which I also used for the Hob for the Hunger Games musical. The original version has Jesus lose his temper, overturn the money changing tables, and chase people with a whip. In this version, I have the islanders present items to Ishmael who has them put on the sheep sleigh to the arboretum. Not to mention, this moment is very relevant in Ishmael’s true character akin to a cult leader. Seriously, Ishmael is a very dangerous man.

 

Ishmael’s Tent”

Islanders:
Here we come from the coastal shelf
Check out all this stuff yourself
Get a load of this one-way sign
This washed up mirror’s so divine
Take a look at this propeller
Get a glance this neat hammer
We can use this typewriter
How about this window, sir?
I got things you won’t believe.
Please don’t send them with the sheep
We can gut this fine fish to eat
I found a grater that shreds cheese
Roll on up for our latest finds
This wet dagger cuts mighty fine
Let’s see what just in this wine
Hope you approve this dish in kind
What you see is what you get.
Hope Ish’s not disappointed yet
Don’t be scared give me a try,
What’s the fuck’s up with this guy?
Got to see all these shiny things
Hope I can hide it fast.
Got to keep this from Ish’s path
Do not want to incite his wrath.
Here we come from the coastal shelf
Check out all this stuff yourself
Get a load of this one-way sign
This washed up mirror’s so divine
Take a look at this propeller
Get a glance this neat hammer
We can use this typewriter
How about this window, sir?
I got things you won’t believe.
I got things you won’t believe.
Please don’t send them with the sheep
We can gut this

(fade, screaming)

Ishmael:
These items aren’t useful around here,
So load them up on the sleigh with sheep
Take out! Take out!
Now I won’t force you to
But it’s all up to you
After all, I’ve tried for decades
Seems like ninety, seems like ninety.

Islanders:
Okay, Ish, you might be right
This is a wholly useless find
This thing will just cause a fuss
Guess it’s best for all of us
I’ll put this on the sheep led sleigh
We don’t need thing, anyway
Okay, Ish, this thing’s just too much
It’s not really worth all the constant fuss
Yes, Ish, let’s all get rid of these silly things
We can’t really use these for anything
Go ahead, take them to the arboretum
Best we put where we won’t see them

Okay, Ish, you might be right
This is a wholly useless find
This thing will just cause a fuss
Guess it’s best for all of us
I’ll put this on the sheep led sleigh
We don’t need thing, anyway
Okay, Ish, this thing’s just too much
It’s not really worth all the constant fuss
Yes, Ish, let’s all get rid of these silly things
We can’t really use these for anything
Go ahead, take them to the arboretum
Best we put where we won’t see them

Violet:
What the hell are they doing…that’s not junk
I can use quite a few things…what the fuck?
What the hell?

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Anything Will Do”

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Unbeknownst to the cult-leader like Ishmael, the Baudelaires decide to make a few secret possessions. Violet decides to keep her ribbon. Klaus chooses to retain his commonplace book. Sunny opts to keep her whisk that Friday bestowed on her. And they resolve that while Ishmael may be a repressive control freak, he won’t stop them from doing what they love like inventing, reading, and cooking. Even though keeping secrets from their new island home.

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The song I went with is “Any Dream Will Do” from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. In the original version, Joseph recounts how he got thrown into the well and lost his coat of many colors. He also talks about how his dreams help him cope with his situation. In this version, I have the Baudelaires resolve that they will do what they love on the island even if they’re not allowed to.

 

 

“Anything Will Do”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
I closed my eyes, drew back the curtain
To see for certain what I thought I knew
Ish wants our stuff in the arboretum
Hide my ribbon for keeping
Anything will do

Klaus:
I almost thought he’d take my glasses
God, what an asshat, got to keep my book
We’ve got it good, but why such a cache, Ish?
Let Sunny keep her whisk

Anything will do

Violet:
I must invent, in darker light
I must invent all out of sight
Why should I keep to secrets
In our isle home?

Klaus:
May I return to the beginning
While I am sitting while reading a book
If I can’t read, then I’m not living
It’s real distressing
Anything will do

I don’t know what, there’s something up
The cordial’s bad but I feel drunk
Don’t you feel your head is spinning
When it’s left alone?

Violet:
There’s something here, seems quite fishy
Ish seems quite iffy, and his rules are, too
Olaf’s still here, he is still waiting
Still hesitating
Anything will do

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Apeman”

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Once Count Olaf is left alone on the coastal shelf, Friday offers the Baudelaires a coconut cordial as a token of her hospitality, since the island has no fresh water and nothing else to drink but fermented coconut milk. So the kids will have to get used to it. She talks about the other customs on the island like storm scavenging in which islanders have to present their finds to their facilitator Ishmael who keeps his feet covered with clay due to a “foot injury.” While the sheep usually drag away anything he determines unnecessary to an arboretum where inhabitants are banned from. Except on an occasion called Decision Day. As Friday explains: “Once a year, the tides turn in this part of the ocean, and the coastal shelf is completely covered in water. It’s the one time a year that it’s deep enough to sail away from the island. All year long we build an enormous outrigger, which is a type of canoe, and the day the tides turn we have a feast and a talent show. Then anyone who wishes to leave our colony indicates their decision by taking a bite of bitter apple and spitting it onto the ground before boarding the outrigger and bidding us farewell.” If no castaway leaves that year, then they burn the outrigger since entertainment options are few. She then takes them to Ishmael who welcomes them and allows them to stay as long as they’re nice and follow their customs. That means changing into robes and giving up their belongings (though they don’t make good on the second one. Yet, Ishmael allows Klaus to keep his glasses). He also tells them the inhabitants trade tents every day. Of course, he says he doesn’t force people to do his bidding, except he does.

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Since this book revolves around an island, it was only a matter of time where I’d put in the Kinks’ “Apeman” which I put in for this part. The original version pertains to how the narrator yearns to live for a simpler life in the jungle away from the stresses and worries of the city. In this version, I have Friday, Ishmael and the islanders welcome the Baudelaires, talk about their customs, and ask to join them.

 

“Apeman” (ASOUE Version)

Friday:
Come take a coconut cordial, cause you’re all very nice
Like a good homo sapiens
Cause all around us, all the water is so salty all the time
And there’s no freshwater in sight, man
So I storm scavenge for some any useful thing
Which I present unto Ish, man
If he deems it unnecessary, it’ll be dragged out by sheep
I am an apeman

There’s a large arboretum where an apple tree grows
Where the islanders are banned
Except when the coastal shelf’s flood and deep enough to leave the island
Known as our day of decision
We spend a year building large canoes
So you can leave if you’re wishing to
If there’s no takers, we use them for a bonfire and make like an apeman

Islanders:
I’m an apeman, I’m an ape, apeman, oh I’m an apeman
I’m a King Kong man, I’m a voodoo man, oh I’m an apeman
‘Cause compared to the sun that sits in the sky
Compared to the clouds as they roll by
Compared to the bugs and the spiders and flies I am an apeman

Ishmael:
My name Ishmael and I’m the facilitator
But call me Ish, it’s casual
Since I hurt my feet in the past, so I cover them with clay
Friday, know the rules
‘Cause the only time that I feel at ease
Is looking up and down at the coconut trees
Oh what a life of luxury to be like an apeman

Islanders:
I’m an apeman, I’m an ape, apeman, oh I’m an apeman
I’m a King Kong man, I’m a voodoo man, oh I’m an apeman
You look out the night sky and you can see the sky
You won’t believe how they all shine so bright
The breeze blowing here is so mighty fine
We all get by living bland simple lives and make like an apeman

Ishmael:
Oh, come on and join us, be nice apeman kids
And we’ll be so happy in our apeman world

Islanders:
I’m an apeman, I’m an ape, apeman, oh I’m an apeman
I’m a King Kong man, I’m a voodoo man, oh I’m an apeman
Live on our island where life is great
Wear these white robes and we’ll let you stay
You’ll live in the tents you’ll be trading each day, just like an apeman

I’m an apeman, I’m an ape, apeman, oh I’m an apeman
I’m a King Kong man, I’m a voodoo man, oh I’m an apeman
Since you came and washed up ashore
Stay with us till the tides up once more
Live among us to see whatever’s in store and make like an apeman