A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Mine, Mine, Mine”

OlafEsmeCarmelitaThings get chaotic as the Queequeg crew is interrupted by an approaching submarine on the sonar. Symbolized by an eye logo, it’s a ship shaped like a giant octopus with many tentacles. But inside, they see Count Olaf. Fortunately, the shut down all of the Queequeg’s engines and remain as silent as possible until the octo-sub passes and Olaf doesn’t notice them. Just as things get more tense, they see a third shape of the question mark pass by as well that the crew doesn’t see. Yet, it seems to scare Count Olaf. Anyway, while I’m not sure what the Queequeg runs on and think it can possibly be a nuclear sub, the octo-sub is run by the labor of children from the Snow Scouts, Prufrock Prep, among others. Oh, and did I now tell you he intends to burn their parents’ houses and steal their fortunes?


The song I chose here is another song from Pocahontas called “Mine, Mine, Mine” in which Governor Ratcliffe orders his men to dig for gold (and destroy the landscape in the process) while John Smith goes out to explore the forested and rocky tidewater region of Virginia (which doesn’t look like that in real life). In this version, I have Count Olaf sing about trying to get the Sugar Bowl as well as money from these kids he uses as child slave labor. I also have Fiona sing about the sub she just saw.


“Mine, Mine, Mine” (ASOUE Version)

Count Olaf:
The cash of Kornbluth
The Winnipeg moonstones
Will seem like mere trinkets
With the Baudelaire fortune
The cash these kids have
Dwarfs our captives’ combined
Oh, with all ya got in ya, kids

Mine, kids, along with their assets
But row, kids, row ‘til ya drop
Grab an oar, kids
Now, kids
Row like you know it
Then you’ll be taking us
To the Hotel Denouement
Your cash, it’s now mine, mine, mine

Row and row and row and rowety…
Row and row and row and rowety…

Hook-Handed Man:
Hey nonny nonny
Ho nonny nonny

Count Olaf:
Oh, how I love it!

Hook-Handed Man:
Hey nonny nonny
Ho nonny nonny

Count Olaf:
Riches for cheap!

Hook-Handed Man:
Hey nonny nonny
Ho nonny nonny

Count Olaf and Hook-Handed Man:
There’ll be heaps of it …

Count Olaf:
And I’ll be on top of the heap!

My rivals back home
It’s not that I’m bitter
But think how they’ll squirm
When they see my riches!
All of the hot dames
Would like being my bitches
The city will reward me
They’ll commend me, no, adore me!

They’re mine, mine, mine
For the taking
They’re mine, kids
Give me your cash!
With those assets snatched..

It’s riches they’ll give me
My hometown, the city
Will probably build me a shrine
When all of their cash…is mine!

Row and row and row and rowety…
Row and row and row and rowety…

All of my life, I have never seen any sub
Like this one
An octopus submarine so scary
I couldn’t design
Hundreds of dangers await
And I don’t plan to miss one
With Klaus as my mate
In this watery place
The greatest adventure is mine!

Count Olaf:
Keep on working, kids
Don’t be shirking, kids
Find, kids, find
Find me that bowl
The Sugar Bowl!

He just makes us row
Doesn’t even let us go
Row! Row! and rowety
Row! Row! for that bowl

Don’t make us mad
Too bad!

Count Olaf:
Full speed ahead, kids
I’d help you to row, kids
But I’ve got this crick in me spine

This thing we behold…

Count Olaf:
Get the Sugar Bowl…

A girl can be bold!

Count Olaf:
It all can be sold!
And your cash

Rowers (simultaneously):
So go for that bowl
God, let it be here
We all live in fear
At this minute
We’re in deep shit if we can’t
Row and row and rowety-row!
Hey nonny nonny nonny we find!

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