After answering “friend” and answering the password question with “The world is quiet here,” the Baudelaires venture inside the Queequeg submarine and meet Captain Widdershins. He has a long curly mustache resembling parentheses as well as a weird way of speaking like in redundant comments with explanation points and “Aye!” interjections. He’s also a control freak, objecting when anyone makes a statement that could be slightly construed as a command. He also knows many secrets he doesn’t feel comfortable discussing with his stepdaughter Fiona or the Baudelaires for that matter. At the same time, he’s a bit jovial, eccentric, and a bit absent-minded since his motto is “he who hesitates is lost.” Still, his uniforms have a picture of Herman Melville which gives Klaus’s approval and is a shout out to the submarine named after a character from Moby Dick. But at least he doesn’t think the Daily Punctilio is a great newspaper or that the Baudelaires are murderers. As for the submarine, well, it’s kind of a clunker so to speak since it’s in extreme disrepair with leaks everywhere and several rooms closed off to keep the ship from sinking.

I decided to go with “Yellow Submarine” by the Beatles which was originally written as a nonsense song for kids. Though it was originally recorded for the Revolver album and was subject to a psychedelic cartoon. Still, if you’re doing a parody pertaining to a submarine story, you have to include this. In this version, I have Captain Widdershins describe the Queequeg.

“Leaky Submarine”

Sung by Captain Widdershins

Captain Widdershins:
Friend or foe, welcome aboard
Enter, Baudelaires, room for three
Might as well come inside
In the Queequeg submarine

Mind the ladder as you climb
Close the hatch at steady speed
Don’t make noise, don’t look down
In our leaky submarine

Crew:
We all live in a leaky submarine
Leaky submarine, leaky submarine
We all live in a leaky submarine
Leaky submarine, leaky submarine

Captain Widdershins:
Put on these sub uniforms
This Fiona, my stepdaughter
Captain Widdershins, is my own name

Crew:
We all live in a leaky submarine
Leaky submarine, leaky submarine
We all live in a leaky submarine
Leaky submarine, leaky submarine

Violet:
My sister wants to know why you know so much about us

Captain Widdershins:
Been receiving Volunteer Factual Dispatches about you fairly regularly.
He who hesitates is lost.

Fiona:
Or she.

Captain Widdershins:
Though there’s been so much unease
Every one of us has all we need
Sky of blue and sea of green
In our leaky submarine

Crew:
We all live in a leaky submarine
Leaky submarine, leaky submarine
We all live in a leaky submarine
Leaky submarine, leaky submarine
We all live in a leaky submarine
Leaky submarine, leaky submarine