A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Lions Pit Rhapsody”


As I said before, Violet and Klaus accept their chosen lot graciously as they’re escorted to the pit to certain death. But Violet suggests that someone might want to push them into the pit instead, preferably Count Olaf. However, while deeply honored, Count Olaf declines with various excuses like being allergic to cats despite that he absolutely had no problem with capturing and whipping hungry lions and living to tell the tale. Esme suggests Madame Lulu do it since she wants to see the fortune teller dead. Yet, the crowd really doesn’t care who gets to push in the alleged co-joined twins. Though apprehensive, Olivia reluctantly agrees, apologizing to the elder Baudelaires. After all, she wants to give people what they want. And what the crowd wants is live violence and gore of someone being eaten alive. But then the Hook-Handed Man stands up since he’s fed up with delay while the other freaks come forward to prove they can be Count Olaf’s henchmen. Though Violet does try to calm things down, she fails as Olivia snatches the fan belt from her. Since she and Klaus aren’t going to need it anyway as far as she’s concerned. After Count Olaf promises a special reward to anyone who’d push Beverly and Elliot in, the audience joins in and a scene of chaos ensues, allowing the Baudelaires to escape with their lives. However, Olivia and the Bald Man with the Long Nose aren’t so lucky as the lions a enjoy a satisfying meal from their flesh and blood.


The song I selected is Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” since I think it’s perfect for such a dramatic scene. The original version centers around a man sentenced to death for killing a guy and is begging to spare his life. But it’s such a fun song to sing. In this version, I use this for the lions scene everyone has been waiting for which results in the Olivia and the Bald Man’s deaths.


“Lions Pit Rhapsody”

Violet and Klaus:
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landmine,
No escape from reality.

Ladies and gents,
We’re thrilled to be chosen here
We’re just poor co-joins, we need no sympathy
Because we’re easy come, easy go,
Little high, little low,
Any way the wind blows doesn’t really matter to us, to us.

Olaf, we thank you sir,
Yet, just ask my other head,
Thinks you should push us in instead,
Olaf, just look at the crowd,
Be a real pain if we failed to entertain.

Count Olaf:
Sorry, ooh,
But I’m afraid that I decline,
Cause I happen to be allergic to lions,
After all, it’s not my job since I’m only an actor.

Lulu should push them instead,
She’s a Caligari employee,
So she be pushing down a freak.
Besides, everybody, she always tries,
Gotta give them what they want and see this through.

Olivia (as Madame Lulu):
Esme, ooh (c’mon, Madame Lulu)
This isn’t my job,
For I’m only a carnival fortune teller.

I’m sorry, but I’m going have to do this.

Scaramouche, Scaramouche, can you just get right to it?

Violet and Klaus:
Very hungry lions
Very, very frightening us.

(Galileo) Galileo.
(Galileo) Galileo,
Galileo Figaro

Violet and Klaus:
We’re just poor co-joins nobody loves us.

They’re just poor co-joins from a poor family.

Can you go on with this monstrosity?

Hook-Handed Man:
I’ll push them for I am, brave enough to do so.

Bismillah! Hey, I’m brave enough, too. (Do it now!)

Colette and Kevin:
Bismillah! Hey, we’re brave enough, too. (Do it now!)

Bald Man with Long Nose and White-Faced Women:
Bismillah! Hey, we’re brave enough, too. (Do it now!)

Olivia (as Madame Lulu):
Guess you have to go. (Do it now!)

Guess I’ll do it, too (Me too, me too, me too, I’ll go, too)
Oh oh oh oh

No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Violet (Klaus):
Oh, mama mia, mama mia (Mama mia, let us go.)

Count Olaf has a special reward for the deed, the deed, the deed.

So you think you can help us and spit in our eyes?

So you think you could help us and leave us to die?
Oh, sisters, it’s all chaos here, sisters,
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.

(Ooooh, ooh yeah, ooh yeah)

Count Olaf:
Nothing really matters,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters,
Nothing really matters but me.

Goodbye, Madame Lulu.

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