While hiding in the supply closet, Violet wakes up from her coma. Though she’s quite out of it, Klaus and Sunny pressure their sister to do something to help them escape. Since Count Olaf is after them and the building they’re in is literally on fire. Yet, after tying a cloth from a coat Sunny bit for her, Violet to clear her mind. When she gets an idea, she has Klaus get rubber bands to make a rope and Sunny to bite into a tin can of alphabet suit. Violet makes an intercom which she uses imitating Babs’ voice to distract the crowd from outside towards the unfinished part of the hospital. The Baudelaires then take the rubber band rope and jump out the window. Since they now have no place to go amid the smoldering hospital in the night, they decide to hop into Count Olaf’s trunk.

I decided to go with the “Escape (Pina Colada Song)” by one hit wonder Rupert Holmes. Now the original version is about a man who’s bored with his relationship answering to a personal ad for more excitement. Yes, it’s cheating but when he meets the woman in question, it turns out to be his girlfriend or wife. I know it’s a lot to wrap your head around. But in this version, I have it live up to the Baudelaires actually escaping from the burning Heimlich Hospital.

“Escape (Supply Closet Song)”

Violet:
I’m just tired and hazy, I’ve been knocked out for too long
Not so great at inventing, when the drugs are quite strong
Fire’s consuming the building, Olaf’s guys are in hall
Crowd’s hanging outside, So it’s a really tough call

Klaus:
We hid out in a supply closet, to buy ourselves some spare time
There’s a fire in raging, and a crowd close outside
There’s also Olaf’s big fat scary henchman, pursuing us at the chase
We must do something quickly, to get out and escape

Violet:
Klaus, can you make out a cord rope, out of those rubber bands?
Thanks for the scrap, Sunny, now sink your teeth into this tin can
Got to create a distraction, make a spurious intercom
Sunny, but down the bottom, so I can address the angry mob

This is Babs from the PA, Mattathis has just resigned
You’ll find the Baudelaires, in the unfinished side
It’s incredibly dangerous, to stay in your place
So please come to your senses, just get out and escape

Sure we’ve tricked people, and we each wore a disguise
We’ve used some deception, not sure we’re justified
But the fire’s come closer, and we don’t want to get fried
Then there’s the androgynist henchmen, so we must go outside

Let’s flee the supply closet, and quickly get outside
Throw this cord out the window, we’ve got nowhere to hide
Yes, we are all scared to shit, but we must get away
So we drop down the window, get outside and escape

Count Olaf:
Couldn’t find the Snicket File, but I know where it might be
Too bad Chris couldn’t make it, but nice there is a spare seat
Get on moving with the costumes, so we’d make a clean get away
Let’s all go find the real V.F.D., get in the damn car and escape

Violet:
We have to get in the trunk now, there is no place to go
If we want the rest of the file, and we all have to do
If Mom or Dad survive the fateful fire or to clear our own names
Let’s all get hide in Olaf’s trunk for now, get inside and escape

Shortly after Hal’s announcement, Count Olaf has announced that the fire has spread to a few wards on the bottom floors and tells everyone there to catch the Baudelaires. Though he does suggest anyone can rescue some of the trapped patients. Now the children seem trapped. The audience is calling for their arrest. And Esme has threatened to save one of the kids and kill the other two with her heels. Though no one believes that she’s actually intent do off the Baudelaires. Not to mention Klaus still has a knife in his hand, which he brandishes. Though the Hook-Handed Man debates on whether he’d use it. Klaus just throws the knife on the floor and pushes the gurney through the door. Of course, Hal stops them at one point, but Sunny bites his hand to get out of the way. While the hospital is burning and the crowd pursues the Baudelaires, Violet is slowly getting out of her drug induced coma though Klaus is pleading her to wake up. Yet, once they get into the Ward for People with Nasty Rashes, the Baudelaires find themselves trapped among the crowd pursuing them from behind and a fire from ahead. So they hide in a supply closet.

Since it’s a moment of high tension and excitement, I used “Savages” from Disney’s Pocahontas which pertains to racism with the English settlers and Indians gearing up for battle that’s set to take off with John Smith’s execution in the morning. Meanwhile, Pocahontas is rushing in to stop this whole bloody mess that will kill the man she loves and erupt into a conflict that will help no one as well as destroy her people. Still, though Indian and settler tensions did increase in later years, this scene isn’t quite accurate. In this version, I have the Baudelaires trying to escape from Heimlich Hospital as Count Olaf and Esme are urging the people inside to go after them.

“Ravagers”

Count Olaf (as Mattathias):
What can you expect
From murderous young orphans?
Their little archives blazes has spread to wards
So catch the Baudelaires
Or help patients down the stairs
They’re killers, as I said
And worse

Hospital Staff:
They’re ravagers! Ravagers!

Count Olaf:
Psychopathic orphans

Hospital Staff:
Ravagers! Ravagers!

Count Olaf:
Catch them in the halls!
They’ve set this place aflame
Which means they must be evil
We must chase within the wards!

Hospital Staff:
They’re ravagers! Ravagers!
Heartless child killers!
Now we chase within the wards!

Esme:
This is the plan here
I kill two of the orphans
We’ll keep the third to get hold of their green

Klaus:
You won’t get our assets
Or stilettos on our necks

Count Olaf:
Who gets them picks where we’ll eat

Hospital Staff:
They’re ravagers! Ravagers!
Heartless child killers!
Ravagers! Ravagers!

Hook-Handed Man:
Are you brave to kill?

Klaus:
You need not nerve to kill
Just a lack of moral stamina
I’ll throw this knife onto the floor

Hospital Staff:
They’re ravagers! Ravagers!

Klaus:
Now I push the gurney
Sorry, Hal, but we need the floor

Hospital Staff:
Ravagers! Ravagers!

Hal:
Jesus, that baby bit me!

Hospital Staff:
Ravagers! Ravagers!

Count Olaf:
Heimlich is on fire!

Hospital Staff:
Ravagers! Ravagers!
Heartless child killers!
Now we chase within the wards!

Klaus:
Is there nothing I can do?
Will this really be the end?
Is it only death that waits
Just inside the hospital?

Count Olaf:
This will be the night …

Let’s go, guys!

Esme:
This will be the evening …

Seek out the Baudelaires!

Troupe:
We will see them dying in the flames

Klaus:
I don’t know what I can do
Still, I know I’ve got to try

Troupe:
Now we make ’em pay

Klaus:
Push the gurney out to fly

Troupe:
Now without a warning …

Klaus:
C’mon, Violet, please awake

Troupe and Hospital Staff:
Now we chase them down the down the corridors

Klaus:
Can’t push further down the stairs
We can’t go up
Please, Violet, please awake…

Troupe and Hospital Staff:
They’re just a bunch of
Cold and heartless
Ravagers!
Ravagers!
Killers!
Burners!

Count Olaf:
Get them!

Troupe and Hospital Staff:
Ravagers!
Ravagers!

Count Olaf:
What are we waiting for?
Just leave this burning place
Unless you’re with me then

Klaus:
Move through the nasty rash ward

Troupe:
We will chase within the wards

Hospital Staff:
Ravagers! Ravagers!

Troupe:
Now, we chase within the wards

Hospital Staff:
Ravagers! Ravagers!

Klaus:
There’s fire up ahead
And a crowd up from the back

Troupe:
Now we chase within…the…wards!

Hospital Staff:
Of course we chase within…the…wards!

Klaus:
Guess there is nowhere to go
Just a closet left to hide!

Just as Klaus and Sunny try to stall the crowd to buy time for Violet to become conscious, Esme shows up with the two White-Faced Women. Though Klaus claims that she lost her mind, Esme states that the people pretending to be Dr. Tocuna and Nurse Flo are the younger Baudelaires. After all, her and her associates are proper medical personnel since they’re wearing the correct clothes (which is a flimsy argument for a TV or movie doctor could say the same thing). Before Klaus and Sunny can defend themselves, she rips off their masks. Yet, when asked where the third Baudelaire is, Klaus eagerly points Violet out on the gurney just as one of Olaf’s associates tries to conceal her identity. Though he asserts he and his siblings aren’t murderers, he still has a knife in his hand, which doesn’t do him any favors. Next, Hal comes in, shows his displeasure by how the Baudelaires fooled him and stole his keys to destroy his files (yes, they stole his keys, but they didn’t destroy his files since that was Esme’s doing), and announces that the Library of Records is on fire. Meanwhile, a number of audience members express interest, especially a certain reporter from the Daily Punctilio named Geraldine Julienne who gives Rita Skeeter a run for her money.

The song I chose is “Helter Skelter” by the Beatles which appeared in The White Album. In the original version, Paul McCartney wrote the song as a challenge to produce the loudest, rawest, and dirtiest song possible after hearing “I Can See For Miles” by The Who on the radio. Also, it’s a response to his critics who accused him of being able to write only ballads. By the way, a helter skelter is an amusement park ride featuring a tall tower with a long spiral slide winding around it, which McCartney used, “as a ride from the top to the bottom; the rise and fall of the Roman Empire – and this was the fall, the demise.” Unfortunately for McCartney, this song would be later associated with notorious cult leader and serial killer Charles Manson who thought this song was a coded prophecy of an apocalyptic war between whites killing each other over how to treat people of color. In this version, the term doesn’t mean much of anything save as a homage to the song I’m ripping off of. Then again, it might express how Esme and Klaus

“Helter Skelter” (ASOUE Version)

Esme:
When I went through the halls looking for two of the brats
I find Tocuna and Flo in a room with their coats and masks
Since they were locked outside of the OT
Yeah yeah yeah hey

Klaus:
This woman is clearly completely a nut job
She’s a batshit crazy bitch from the psych ward
She’s violent, insane, loony and quite homicidal
Well, she may be Cruella but she ain’t no doctor

Now helter skelter helter skelter
Helter skelter yeah
Ooh!

Esme:
Will you, won’t you quit playing doctors
It’s obvious to me that you’re glaring imposters
Your little sister is too small for a lab coat
You may be a genius but you’ve got no boobs, bro

Look out helter skelter helter skelter
Helter skelter ooh

Look out, they’re Baudelaires

All of my associates are proper medical personnel
Since they all wear the correct outfits as well
Don’t believe me, well, I’ll just rip off their masks
Yeah yeah yeah

Klaus:
Oh, don’t you, don’t you dare touch my sister!
She’s coming up fast so I won’t let you near her
Indeed, I’m still holding this knife here
Well, I may be her brother but I ain’t no killer

Look out helter skelter helter skelter
Helter skelter

Look out helter skelter

She’s coming up fast
Yes she is
Yes she is coming up fast

Hal:
Those kids switched my keys
To destroy my precious files
Now they set it on fire!

While Klaus and Sunny are with Count Olaf’s henchmen trying to stall the operation so their sister can wake up, Esme is out searching for the younger Baudelaires. Of course, since the Baudelaires are in the operating theater, she doesn’t succeed. But she does find the two real White-Faced Women who she assumed Klaus and Sunny to be earlier. Yet, Esme and Count Olaf both manage to set the Library of Records on fire. She then returns to the operating theater with the real White-Faced Women in attempts to expose Klaus and Sunny as imposters. Then again, it’s possible that she saw through their disguises the whole time and decided to include them in the plot to make them seem more malicious. Still, the fire will soon spread to all of Heimlich Hospital and burn the place to the ground.

The song I chose here is “Out Tonight” from RENT. In the original version, Mimi gets off work at the club and is excited to meet Roger on their date. At any rate, she wants to get out and have fun. In this version, I have Esme gleefully willing to set the Library of Records on fire with her boyfriend, Count Olaf. Speaking of Olaf, I originally envisioned having him sing this. But then I realized it was a better fit for Esme.

“Out Tonight” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Esme Squalor

What’s the time?
Well it’s gotta be close to midnight
My body’s talking to me
It says, “Time for danger”
It says “I wanna commit a crime
Wanna set a place on alight
Wanna put on a tight skirt and hurt
Some ill strangers”
I’ve had a knack from way back
At breaking the rules once I learn the games
Get up – life’s too quick
I know someplace sick
Where this chick’ll torch this dread place
If I can’t find Klaus or Sunny
I’ll just light up a spree
You can burn it too
If you can light it with me

Let’s go out tonight
I have to go out tonight
Let’s set aflame
And run away
We won’t be back to this Heimlich anyway
Let’s go out tonight (meow)

When I get a ride from my boyfriend
Do you know how lucky I’ll be?
That we’re off line from a fire crime in vicinity

Let’s go out tonight
I have to go out tonight
You light a match
I’ll make it catch
And we’ll burn this whole place down
Out tonight

In the evening we’ve got to roam
Can’t sleep in a city of neon and chrome
Feels too damn much like home
When my lousy husband whines
So get in the car
So dark we forget who we are
And all those screams from the
Awful sick patients die

Let’s go out tonight
Have to go out tonight
You’re sweet
Wanna hit the street?
Wanna wail at the moon like a cat in heat?
Just take us out tonight

Please take us out tonight
Don’t forsake us — out tonight
I’ll let you make us — out tonight
Tonight — tonight – tonight

Inside the operating theater, the audience is in eager anticipation for the main attraction that they applaud on Violet’s arrival. The Hook-Handed Man is set to host the event while the Bald Man with the Long Nose is set to cut her head off. They proclaim that this cranioectomy performed is history being made and that there’s a good chance the patient might die which they’re willing to take. But then at the last minute, both these men announce that Klaus and Sunny will be performing the surgery instead. Is it possible that they can see through their disguises? Or that they’re too chicken to go through with the thing? Or do they not want to get arrested for murder and would rather pass the responsibility to someone else? Now with the long, jagged, rusty knife in his hands, all eyes are on Klaus. On Sunny’s advice to stall, Klaus gives a long description about the history of the knife and the composition of rust to buy time for Violet to wear off the anesthesia. Though Sunny helps by biting her sister’s neck. At first this stalling works, Klaus starts losing the crowd while Olaf’s guys start getting suspicious. Then Klaus tells the audience that he can’t do the operation yet without filing the proper paperwork. So someone fetches Hal.

The song I went with here is “Mack the Knife” most famously sung by Bobby Darin in the late 1950s. But the song is older than that since it’s originally a German song written by Bertolt Brecht for the Threepenny Opera in the late 1920s as a last-minute addition. The original version, is about a character from John Gay’s The Beggar’s Opera, named Macheath (based on a real life English Thief named Jack Sheppard). As the song heavily describes, this dashing highwayman is basically a serial killer akin to Count Olaf. In fact, I was going to make this a song for Count Olaf to sing but later decided against it. Though the original Brecht-Kurt Weill version was far more cruel and sinister than the modern anti-hero he’s transformed into an anti-hero. After its translation into English, various artists like Louis Armstrong and Bobby Darin turned this murder ballad into a classic pop standard it’s seen as in the United States. In this version, Klaus tries to stall and distract the crowd so he doesn’t have to cut his sister’s head off.

“Rusty Knife”

Sung by Klaus Baudelaire

Oh, this sharp knife, has such teeth, dear
The oldest surgical tool in sight
Early knives been found in tombs and temples
Made of stone and used for rites
You got knives of bronze, iron, and teeth, dear
And they come in different types
But the one needed for a cranioectomy, dear
It’s the large Texan, James Bowie knife

No before I conduct, huh, hun, whoo first incision, uh huh
On her body to ooze her life, eek
There’s just one thing I’d like to discuss here
About this old long, jagged, rusty knife

See this rust here, huh, huh, it’s reddish brown coating don’tcha know
Forming on metals’ when the oxidize on down
Oh, it’s a reaction when metals meet with moisture
Oxidation is integral for this kind of round
For the oxidative processes meet with flesh, dear
Due to mitochondria and cosmetic demystifies
Now we must’ve missed something crucial
Oh, right, we must have papers promptly filed

I’m Dr. Tocuna, ho, ho, yeah, she’s our Nurse Flo
Ooh, Dr. Flacutono, and Dr. O. Lucafont
Oh, this always comes with a risk, dear
When you work with a rusty knife

Evidently, it’s okay, whoa, to decapitate
Long as the procedure sounds professional
Or scientific since it’s decapitation
When you work with a rusty knife
Check out this rusty knife

When Klaus and Sunny see Violet, she’s lying on a rusty gurney with dirty sheets and hair over her face to conceal her identity. Though she’s still breathing, she seems almost dead. As she’s wheeled off to the operating theater, things don’t look good for her. Since she’s going to be a recipient for the world’s first “cranioectomy” which is decapitation in a medical atmosphere and within a scientific and professional context. While the Hook-Handed Man and the Bald Man with the Long Nose trade joking jibes, the younger Baudelaires are obviously freaked out. And it doesn’t help that the Hook-Handed Man seems creeping on her. For God’s sake, she’s 14. Let’s just say, Klaus and Sunny have every reason to be worried since they’re not sure what to do to prevent their sister from coming to a nasty end in front of a live audience. On the bright side, at least Violet isn’t a contestant for the Hunger Games so her younger siblings have some control on the situation. Not that it helps.

The song I chose here is Procol Harum’s classic “A Whiter Shade of Pale.” Though many believe it’s about drugs, it’s actually about a relationship or one night stand gone bad with the guy not being able to get over it. In this version, I have Klaus describing Count Olaf’s henchmen and their conduct as well as his sister lying on the gurney.

“A Whiter Shade of Pale” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Klaus Baudelaire

We got in our masks and lab coats
Ventured to the surgical ward
Not sure how this can work out
We go down the corridors
So we go and follow Esme
With a long and rusty knife
We meet up with his henchmen
Who didn’t recognize

We were standing rather nervous
Looking from the gurney rail
Violet’s face, at first just ghostly
Was a whiter shade of pale

They took us for white ladies
As they discussed their plans
Esme’s gone in the halls to find us
Want to get her out but can’t
Now the Hook-Hand guy is creeping
As black hair conceals her face
They devise a public mishap
With the operating theater as the place

We were standing rather nervous
Looking from the gurney rail
Violet’s face, at first just ghostly
Was a whiter shade of pale

And so we go to surgery

After figuring out where Violet is and what name she’s listed under, Klaus and Sunny dress in lab coats and surgical masks before following Esme to the surgical ward. Apparently mistaking them as the Two White-Faced Women, she takes them with her and warns them about two children still at large in the hospital. Guarded by the Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender, the younger Baudelaires enter the surgical ward where they meet with the Bald Man with the Long Nose and the Hook-Handed Man who also take them as the White-Faced Women. Esme then leaves the ward to look for the Snicket File and the younger Baudelaire children she thinks are still at large. Anyway, the Bald Man and Hook-Handed Man talk about their intentions to kill Violet in the Operating Theater and make it seem like a surgical “accident.” And due to the stress of orphan chasing, the guys get into an argument about it. Yet, once they see her, they consider how fun it would be if she woke up during the procedure. Also, they’re talking about torching the place at some point.

The song I decided to go with is “Santa Fe” from RENT. In the original version, Roger, Collins, Angel, and Mark fantasize about moving from New York City to Santa Fe where they’d open up a restaurant and pursue their art. And by the way, they’re dancing on the subway during this. In this version, I have Count Olaf’s henchmen discuss their plans for Violet and the hospital. Of course, a song featuring his troupe is long overdue at this point.

“Surgical Ward”

Bald Man with Long Nose:
Heimlich Hospital–

Hook-Handed Man:
Uh huh

Bald Man with Long Nose:
Center of the Hinterlands

Hook-Handed Man:
Sing it man–

Bald Man with Long Nose:
Times are shitty
But I’m pretty sure they can’t get worse

Klaus:
I hear you

Esme:
It’s important to know
I’ll be on the look out for two Baudelaires
That anywhere else they could possibly go
After Heimlich would be an electric chair

Bald Man with Long Nose:
Now you’re talking
Well, we have one Baudelaire now unconscious
And we have two Baudelaires now in the halls
And we’re being constantly berated by Count Olaf
As the Snicket File keeps haunting us all
Let’s cut the young girl’s head off and torch the place
Oh, any roaring fire would be nice
We’ll cut the young girl’s head off and torch the place
Before we leave the folks in to die
Oh–oh

All:
Oh–

Bald Man with Long Nose:
You hook?

Hook-Handed Man:
–I hook—with my sharply curved appendages
Ever since I lost my hands to that accident

Bald Man with Long Nose:
The accident

All:
The accident!

Hook-Handed Man:
I’ve been waiting to get my hooks
On her since she had took
From marrying Mattathias at a time
We’ll kill her in front of the whole place
Like it’s a surgical mistake
While the other two Baudelaires both cry
(with the Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender, Klaus, and Bald Man with Long Nose):
Let’s cut the young girl’s head off and torch the place
And get out amid the smoldering flames

All:
Flames, flames, flames

Hook-Handed Man:
We’ll cut the young girl’s head off and torch the place
And wreak up devastation with flames

All:
Set aflame

Henchmen:
Think how fun if she woke in surgery
Orphan chasing wreaks so much stress
We’ll cut the young girl’s head off and torch the place
And get out of this Hinterlands mess
Oh–

All:
Oh–

Hook-Handed Man:
Do you know how we can torch the place?
You know, light papers…gasoline…
Yeah