A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Cranioectomy”

imagesYUXA8X7X

As Klaus and Sunny try to look for Violet, Count Olaf goes on the intercom to make things more hopeless for Violet by announcing that shortly Heimlich Hospital will play host to, “the world’s first cranioectomy on a fourteen-year-old girl.” Well, Klaus and Sunny figure out that Olaf intends to behead Violet in front of an audience. Since it’s a very real possibility that Violet could be decapitated if they don’t act soon, Klaus decides he and Sunny can’t just visit random patients. So they get a list of patients from one of the volunteers and hide in a supply closet. He and his baby sister then realize that Violet is in the surgical ward under a fake name, which is the anagram. Through rearranging the letters from a can of alphabet soup they come up with Laura V. Bleediote.

ASeriesofUnfortunateEventsEpisode8Season2

The song I chose for this part is ABBA’s “Dancing Queen.” Of course, the original isn’t about cutting a teenage girl’s head off. Quite the opposite, in fact. Basically it pertains to a girl who can dance the night away with different guys. Still, it’s a certified disco hit. In this version, I have Count Olaf announce the cranioectomy while Klaus and Sunny try to figure out where Violet is so they can prevent the “procedure.” Also, it’s pretty funny to imagine Count Olaf doing disco.

 

“Cranioectomy”

Sung by Count Olaf (as Dr. Mattathias Medicalschool) and Klaus Baudelaire

Count Olaf:
Ooh
Hey Heimlich
It’s Mattathias
Big operation tonight
Ooh, on a girl
Who’s fourteen
World’s first cranioectomy

Klaus:
Cranioectomy the hell is that?
Don’t think Vi would enjoy that
-Ectomy is Latin for cutting
Cranio- means head
Jesus, she could be dead!
Got to go find the right disguise
Supply closet’s great place to hide
Still don’t know where Vi is
Got to buy some time
Her name’s not even on the list
Where do I go from this?

Count Olaf:
For cranioectomy
At OT
It’s a must-see
Worth a scream
Go right to see the cranioectomy, oh yeah
Hey Heimlich
It’s Mattathias
Big operation tonight
Ooh, on a girl
Who’s fourteen
World’s first cranioectomy

Klaus:
She’s listed under a different name
An anagram from what Duncan says
Rearrange the letters
Tin of soup will do
We now need to act real fast
Laura V. Bleediote’s our chance

Count Olaf:
For cranioectomy
At OT
It’s a must-see
Worth a scream
Go right to see the cranioectomy, oh yeah
Hey Heimlich
It’s Mattathias
Big operation tonight
Ooh, on a girl
Who’s fourteen
World’s first cranioectomy
World’s first cranioectomy

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Doctor!”

17c31ab540ac476f120c7f40da40e8d8

In the Hostile Hospital book, Count Olaf’s disguise as Human Resources Manager Mattathias is merely an intercom for he never shows his face. Though it’s highly implied that he threw Babs off a building to get her job. He claimed she resigned, stating:  “She decided to pursue a career as a stuntwoman, and has begun throwing herself off buildings immediately…”  And while he first announces inspections to keep the Baudelaires on their feet, he also asked that anyone in the hospital with valuables should take them to Human Resources to be looked after. Of course, we probably know that people who take their valuables there will never see them again. Yet, in the TV show, Olaf’s disguise as Dr. Mattathias Medicalschool appears as a doctor. Given Count Olaf’s personality and his surgical tool collection he uses to intimidate certain patients, you’d expect him to be a kind of shameless sadist. I mean the guy is total psychopath. Besides, if this is a musical, he has to appear visually.

20170911-a-series-of-unfortunate-events-005

The song I chose for his introduction as Dr. Mattathias Medicalschool is “Dentist!” from Little Shop of Horrors. The original version is about Audrey’s sadistic dentist boyfriend who thrives on torturing his patients, including a masochist named Wilbur Force. Still, it’s pretty apparent that whoever wrote this very much dreaded going to the dentist. Just kind of get that feeling. In this version, I have Count Olaf sing about being a sadistic doctor at Heimlich hospital. Because I can’t resist this. C’mon, you have to imagine Count Olaf dancing around torturing patients and throwing some out of windows.

 

“Doctor!”

Sung by Count Olaf (as Dr. Mattathias Medicalschool)

Count Olaf:
When I was younger, just a bad little kid
My mama noticed funny things I did
Like shooting puppies with a B.B. gun
I’d poison guppies and when I was done
I’d find a pussycat and bash in its head
That’s when my mama said

White-Faced Women:
What did she say?

Count Olaf:
She said, “My boy, I think someday
You’ll find a way to make your natural tendencies pay
You’ll be a doctor

White-Faced Women:
You’ll be a doctor

Count Olaf:
You have a talent for causing things pain

White-Faced Women:
Pain

Count Olaf:
Son, be a doctor

White-Faced Women:
Son, be a doctor

Count Olaf:
People will pay you to be inhumane

White-Faced Women:
Inhumane

Count Olaf:
Your temperament’s wrong for the priesthood
And teaching would suit you still less
Son, be a doctor
You’ll be a success

White-Faced Women:
Here he is, folks the leader of the quacks!
Watch him suck up that gas!
Oh, my God!
He’s a doctor and he’ll never ever be any good
Who wants to be cut up by the Marquis de Sade?

Patient:
Oh that hurts!
I’m not numb!

Count Olaf:
Oh, shut up. Count from ten. Here I come!
I am your doctor

Patient:
Goodness gracious!

Count Olaf:
And I enjoy the career that I picked

White-Faced Women:
Love it

Count Olaf:
I am your doctor

White-Faced Women:
Killing patients

Count Olaf:
And I get off on the pain I inflict

White-Faced Women:
You really love it

Count Olaf:
When I start amputating those soldiers
Those guys will be screaming like holy rollers

White-Faced Women:
Doctor!

Count Olaf:
And though it may cause my patients distress
Somewhere in heaven above me, I know that my mama’s proud of me
‘Cause I’m a doctor- and a success
Say aah

Patient:
Ahh

Count Olaf:
Say aah

Patient:
Ahh

Count Olaf:
Say ahh

Patient:
Ahh

Count Olaf:
Now splat

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Go Round the Wards”

Fighters5

Since Violet didn’t return to the unfinished wing that night, Klaus and Sunny grow worried, especially when Mattathias announces that they found what they wanted so there won’t be any more inspections. Also, that the two other Baudelaires are within the hospital. Obvious that Count Olaf has Violet in his clutches, Klaus and Sunny conduct a search for her in the hospital. To keep cover, they join the Volunteers Fighting Disease and cover their faces with heart shaped balloons to remain relatively unnoticed. As they go around the wards, the younger Baudelaires get the idea that these volunteers really don’t do much to help the patients’ real needs. Hell, they just sing their songs and give out heart-shaped balloons. Soon they realize their morning search for their sister  is going nowhere and that they’d be better off snagging a patient list.

912efed9638594519989f543953b9083

The song I picked for this part is “Grease” from the eponymous musical. Written by the Bee Gees and sung by Frankie Valli in the movie, this song is more about love and being oneself than anything. Though the movie eventually throws the latter message out the window with Sandy if you know what I mean. Anyway, in this version, I have Klaus and Sunny searching for Violet while tagging along with the Volunteers Fighting Disease.

 

“Go Round the Wards”

Sung by Klaus Baudelaire and the Volunteers Fighting Disease

Klaus:
We got some problems and we must find Vi
Olaf’s got her now and who knows what he’ll try
There’s so much danger but Vi must still be here
But what room or ward we really don’t know where
Go round the wards

We must blend in with these volunteers
They don’t read papers but they’re reeking with cheer
No one will notice who we really are
As we travel around with them at Heimlich Hospital
Go round the wards

Volunteers Fighting Disease:
Go round the wards, go to visit the sick patients

Klaus:
Wards for plague, sore throats, and stubbed toes
There’s wards for ears, broken necks, nasty rashes
Wards for car wrecks, pneumonia

Use this heart balloon to hide your face
Cause they can’t see us while we tour the place
Yet, these volunteers don’t seem to do anything
Which amounts to refreshments or even medicine
Go round the wards

Volunteers Fighting Disease:
Go round the wards, go to visit the sick patients

Klaus:
Wards for gout, nosebleeds, and strep throat
There’s wards for lice, accidents, schizophrenia
Wards for new moms, salmonella

We’ve been going all morning
She’s in deep trouble
Where do they have her?
What are we doing here?

We can’t just go visiting patients randomly
We need a quicker way to get our sister free
Perhaps if we can snag some patient list
Then we can have an idea which room’s Olaf’s got her in (Olaf’s got her in)
Go round the wards

Volunteers Fighting Disease:
Go round the wards, go to visit the sick patients

Klaus:
Wards for AIDS, black lung, and bad acne
There’s wards for crabs, STDs, dysentery
Wards for TB and heart disease

Volunteers Fighting Disease:
Go round the wards, go to visit the sick patients

Klaus:
Wards for warts, ED, and cirrhosis
There’s wards for pox, Zika, Lyme Disease
Wards for typhoid, Ebola

Volunteers Fighting Disease:
Go round the wards
Round the wards
Round the wards
Round the wards
Round the wards
Round the wards
Round the wards
Round the wards
Round the wards
Round the wards
Round the wards

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Stiletto”

asouefashion

Esme Squalor can always put fashion and vileness above any kind of practicality. Her fur coat and stiletto knives in her shoes are no exception. Of course, you can’t run far in regular stilettos, let alone ones with daggers on the heels which keep sticking to the floor. So as the Baudelaires try to escape, she just shoves down heavy file cabinets like dominoes, capturing and trapping Violet with no where to go. Because the only plausible exit for her has been blocked. She doesn’t have her hair ribbon so she can’t think of anything to invent. Though she tells Klaus and Sunny that she’s alright, a cabinet blocks the chute so she can’t see them. But as her siblings crawl up the chute towards the unfinished wing, Esme’s not far behind and eventually gets her. Though Klaus and Sunny await their sister’s return, she will not be back for awhile.

Esme in Stilettos

The song I chose is Billy Joel’s “Stiletto” for obvious reasons since I couldn’t skip out on this one. Though the original version is about a woman who gets what she wants with a guy but he doesn’t stop her and he doesn’t care. Esme is a lot like that kind of women depending on your interpretation in her relationships with Jerome and Count Olaf. In this version, I have Esme basically taunting Violet for trapping her as well as threatening her. Clearly, Violet isn’t in a good place by this point.

 

“Stiletto” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Esme Squalor

I cut you once, I cut you twice
But still you all flee
The wound is so fresh you can taste the blood
But you don’t have strength to leave
You’ve been caught, got you cold
You’ve been locked inside the door
But you stand there pleadin’
With your insides bleedin’
‘Cause you cannot run no more
When I show you some compassion
It’s such a clever masquerade
I’m so good with my stiletto
You don’t even see the blade
You don’t see the blade

I cut your hard, I cut you deep
I got so much skill
I’ve felled heavy cabinets so you stand there frantic
When I come back for the kill
Your sibs slid and escaped
You’ve been left here to bleed
You want to run away
But you know you’re gonna stay
‘Cause there’s just nowhere to leave
We’ll need you for our dissection
They’ll make sure to find the vein
I’m so good with my stiletto
You won’t really mind the pain
You won’t mind the pain

I’ll cut you out, I’ll cut you down
I’ll carve up your life
But you won’t do nothing
As I keep on cutting
‘Cause you’ll be out under the knife
You’ve been caught, got you cold
You’ve been locked inside the door
But you stand there pleadin’
With your insides bleedin’
‘Cause you cannot run no more
We’ll need you for our dissection
They’ll make sure to find the vein
I’m so good with my stiletto
You won’t really mind the pain
You won’t mind the pain

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Run for an Exit”

tumblr_inline_p41qw33NOo1r3epct_500

However, the Baudelaires don’t have the time to dwell on what they found in the Snicket File. Because Esme Squalor shows up breaking down a door. She’s wearing a fur coat and her trademark stiletto heels, which has actual knives in them. Yes, her shoes are about as violent as they’re impractical. While the show has her trying to find the Sugar Bowl, Esme in the book goes to the Library of Records to find and destroy the Snicket File. And she’s pleased to find the kids so she can destroy them, too. The children ask about how she knows about their file while Klaus wants to know which of their parents survived. But this clues Esme into that they know about and apparently read the file even though they only read one page. Thinking, the kids have the whole file, she chases them through the library. But thanks to her sharp stilettos, Esme doesn’t get very far on her feet. So she decides to push cabinets, causing them to fall over and spill out contents. The Baudelaires narrowly avoid being crushed. Yet, since the toppled file cabinet has blocked the exit, the only way out is up the chute where the files enter the library. Sunny fits easily being a baby at all. It’s a squeeze for Klaus but he gets through (though in the TV show he’s bigger than Violet). But there’s no way Violet could get in (yet, in the TV show she couldn’t because the chute opening was blocked by a file cabinet). At any rate, Violet is screwed.

Library_of_Records

The song I went with here is Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Run Through the Jungle” which you’d find in a lot of Vietnam War movies. However, while people think it’s about the Vietnam War, it’s actually about guns and gun violence in the United States. In fact, John Fogerty said in 2016, “The thing I wanted to talk about was gun control and the proliferation of guns… I remember reading around that time that there was one gun for every man, woman and child in America, which I found staggering. So somewhere in the song, I think I said, ‘200 million guns are loaded.’ Not that anyone else has the answer, but I did not have the answer to the question; I just had the question. I just thought it was disturbing that it was such a jungle for our citizens just to walk around in our own country at least having to be aware that there are so many private guns owned by some responsible and maybe many irresponsible people.” As someone who hates guns and strongly believes in gun control measures, I have to agree as his statement gains relevance with each mass shooting on the news that it’s ridiculous. Because yes, it’s disturbing that so many Americans have guns. So if you’re in The March of Our Lives, you can totally use this song to promote gun control since Fogerty won’t. In fact, Fogerty wrote it as a gun control anthem. This version involves the Baudelaires trying to get away from Esme.

 

“Run for an Exit”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Whoa Esme wants the Snicket File
Knife shoes on the floor

Wants to destroy it along with ourselves
Got to find a door

Better run for an exit
Better run for an exit
Better run for an exit
Whoa don’t look back to see

Klaus:
Running in wrong direction
Exit’s other way

Now Esme’s felling file cabinets
How do we escape

Better run for an exit
Better run for an exit
Better run for an exit
Whoa don’t look back to see

Violet:
Over across the library, there’s a large tall chute
Sorry, but I can’t fit in there
Klaus, Sunny, go through

Better run for an exit
Better run for an exit
Better run for an exit
Whoa don’t look back to see

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Going in the Library of Records”

Episode15

As the Baudelaires get comfortable at the unfinished part of Heimlich Hospital, they try to figure out the notes the Quagmires had left them or at least the ones they’ve managed to salvage from Esme’s harpoon. But since their notes are incomplete and Hal mentioned the Snicket File, they decide to get the file believing it to be the answer to all their questions. However, due to Hal’s strange filing system and his insistence the files aren’t for reading, such task proves difficult. Another pressure on them is the new H.R. Director Mattathias, who’s actually Count Olaf, after he threw Babs out a window. And he’s announced that he’s conducting inspections around the hospital, making the kids panic. So the Baudelaires decide to steal Hal’s keys and break into the Library of Records at night. Using her ribbon and paper clips Sunny bit into, Violet creates a fake key ring she uses to fool Hal to get his keys, which they don’t feel particularly great about. But they feel it needed to be done. They next venture into the Library of Records where they search for the Snicket File. After some trial and error, they find it under B for “Baudelaire.” Inside they find a note on the front reading, “All thirteen pages of the Snicket file have been removed from the Library of Records for official investigation.” Except that’s not quite true since there’s a photo of the Baudelaire parents sometime before they were married standing in front of 667 Dark Avenue alongside Jacques and Lemony Snicket who doesn’t show his face and the man the kids have no idea who he is as well as a note above stating: “Because of the evidence discussed on page nine, experts now suspect that there may in fact be one survivor of the fire, but the survivor’s whereabouts are unknown.”

c989ffc056dc5d8f615300865818d6da

I decided to use Arlo Guthrie’s “Coming Into Los Angeles” which he performed at Woodstock. The original version is about his flight from London to Los Angeles that experienced turbulence which made the stewardesses drop chicken dinners from their trays. Not to mention, Arlo was sweating after discovering that one of the gifts he packed was contraband. Still, it became a soundtrack for a generation for blowing smoke in the face of authority. In this version, I have Violet singing about stealing Hal’s keys and breaking into the Library of Records with her siblings.

 

“Going in the Library of Records”

Sung by Violet Baudelaire

Break-in the Library of Records in dead of night
To find the Snicket File
To know V.F.D., Jacques Snicket, Count Olaf
Why our picture’s in that damn file

Going in the Library of Records to see
After duping Hal for his keys
Sorry about that, if you please
Mister records man, yeah

Heard Olaf’s voice is on the intercom
His inspections making us panic
Walking in the halls of the hospital
Seems like we need to do something drastic

Going in the Library of Records to see
After duping Hal for his keys
Sorry about that, if you please
Mister records man

Use my hair ribbon with some paper clips
Sunny can bend them to key shapes
Not sure if it’s hip to be making this night trip
Yet, Klaus says there’s no any way to

Going in the Library of Records to see
After duping Hal for his keys
Sorry about that, if you please
Mister records man

Looking in the Library of Records in dead of night
To Find the Snicket File
Look, for J, S, F, then to B for Baudelaire
Said there may be a fire survivor

Going in the Library of Records to see
After duping Hal for his keys
Sorry about that, if you please
Mister records man, all right

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Just to File Away”

a-series-of-unfortunate-events-lg

When the Baudelaires reach the Library of Records in the basement, they meet an elderly man with small glasses named Hal. The place consists of 2 rooms. The first comprises of an intercom with a table and a bowl of fruit. The second room is a vast warehouse filled with columns of filing cabinets. Oh, and they’re filed using Hal’s on organizational brand. Paperwork comes down the chute, paperclips removed, read as little as possible, and go to Hal to unlock the cabinet where it goes which can be in an arbitrary category. And the documents aren’t for reading. Also, Hal doesn’t have all the keys to the cabinets either since Sunny volunteers to use her teeth to unlock some. He then identifies the kids as the Baudelaires since he saw their picture from the Snicket File. But he doesn’t necessarily believe they’re murderers since he thinks The Daily Punctilio is full of shit which it is.

ASOUE-S2Book8-The-Baudelaires-and-Hal-e1524542266616

The song I picked here is Billy Joel’s “Half a Mile Away” which is about going out and having a good time during the night after a long time. In other words, it pertains the exact opposite of filing with references to drinking, listening to music, hanging out, picking up women, and bullshitting. Basically, he needs a break for himself after trying to please everyone else during his day. So in this version, I have Hal sing about what the Baudelaires are to do which is administrative work to his personal style.

 

“Just to File Away”

Sung by Hal

Library of Records is a sacred place
I’m record keeper Hal and this is my home base
Follow men and I will surely train
Filing cabinets are all at wall height
Here’s a high ladder to climb, climb, climb
Cause your only job is solely just to file away

Paperwork comes down through the chute
Remove clips and read what you need to
Then tell me to what drawer to open away
They’re not for reading anyway
Since these files need to stay, stay, stay
Cause your only job is solely just to file away

Solely just to file away

Take the weather at Damocles
Which is near some lake so ask me to unlock drawers for D, W, or P
I’ll open up the drawer so you can file it away
Just try to keep the hospital satisfied
Though I remember from the Snicket Files, Files, Files
Though your only job is solely just to file away

Solely just to file away