At the end of the Ersatz Elevator, Jerome offers to take the Baudelaires to a safe place and forget about Count Olaf and their Quagmire friends. But Violet, Klaus, and Sunny have no intention of forgetting what happened and still want to find Duncan and Isadora. So Jerome tells them that if they’re determined to find Olaf instead of living with him, he can’t be their guardian anymore. Then he leaves after kissing each one on the forehead. While the Baudelaires are kind of hopeful about finding the Quagmires and having each other, they still don’t know where they’re going or who’ll they’ll end up with next. And by this point, they kind of expect the guardians or any adults in their lives to either die or totally fail them. So they must be kind of bummed here.

I used another Evita song called “Another Suitcase in Another Hall,” which could be sung by Peron’s young mistress after Eva throws her out. Or Eva herself after being thrown out by some other guy. Anyway, the original version is about the girl getting dumped and being uncertain on where she’ll end up next. In this version, I have Violet reflecting on how her and her siblings always never in a place for long thanks to Count Olaf, of course.

“Another Suitcase in Another Hall” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet Baudelaire

Violet:
I don’t expect my guardians to last for long
Never fool myself that my dreams will come true
Being used to trouble, I anticipate it
But all the same, I hate it…
Wouldn’t you?

Violet: So what happens now?
Klaus: Another suitcase in another hall
Violet: So what happens now?
Klaus: Take our picture off another wall
Violet: Where are we going to?
Klaus: We’ll get by, we always have before
Violet: Where are we going to?

Violet:
Time and time again I said that I don’t care
That I’m immune to gloom, that I’m hard through and through
But every time it matters all my words desert me
So anyone can hurt me, and they do

Violet: So what happens now?
Klaus: Another suitcase in another hall
Violet: So what happens now?
Klaus: Take our picture off another wall
Violet: Where are we going to?
Klaus: We’ll get by, we always have before
Violet: Where are we going to?

Violet:
Call in three months time and I’ll be fine, I know
Well maybe not that fine, but I’ll survive anyhow
I won’t recall the names and faces of each sad occasion
But that’s no consolation here and now

Violet: So what happens now?
Klaus: Another suitcase in another hall
Violet: So what happens now?
Klaus: Take our picture off another wall
Violet: Where are we going to?
Klaus: We’ll get by, we always have before
Violet: Where are we going to?
Klaus: Don’t ask anymore

After the doily incident, Esme dumps the Baudelaires which upsets her husband. Though Gunther offers to take the kids into his hands, which they really don’t want. Gunther is exposed as Count Olaf by slipping and falling on a doily which makes his boot fall off. Esme then dumps Jerome and runs off with Count Olaf, in an act that doesn’t surprise anyone. By the way, the doorman is revealed as the Hook-Handed man in case you forget. Yet, Count Olaf does threaten the Baudelaires that he’s still out to get them while Esme indicates that the Quagmires are in the red herring. All the while, people are slipping on doilies and each other while chasing the two, the Baudelaires are crying, and Mr. Poe intends to call the police, which doesn’t help anyone. At any rate, Olaf and Esme get away with the Quagmires.

For this part, I decided to go with “Goodnight and Thank You” from Evita, since I think this is perfect Squalor breakup song. Sure Esme dumps Jerome rather quickly. But since it’s a musical, you need a perfect send off. The original version basically involves Eva using the casting couch to get what she wants and dumping multiple men once they serve her purpose. Though the real Eva Peron probably did use the casting couch at some points to become a famous radio actress, she was far from an outlier. Then again, you could say she had been pressured into that for some parts. In this version, I have Count Olaf and Esme give Jerome the boot.

“Goodnight and Thank You” (ASOUE Version)

Count Olaf:
Goodnight and thank you, Jerome Squalor
You’ve completed your task
What more could we ask of you now?
Please sign the book on your way out the door
That will be all
If we need you, we’ll call
But I don’t think that’s likely somehow

Esme:
Oh, but it’s sad that when a love affair dies
The parting, the closing of doors
But we must be honest, stop fooling ourselves

Lemony Snicket:
Which means “Up yours!”

Count Olaf & Jerome:
There is no one, no one at all
Never has been and never will be a lover
Male or female
Who hasn’t an eye on
In fact they rely on
Tricks they can try on their partner

They’re hoping their lover will help them or keep them
Support them, promote them
Don’t blame them
You’re the same

Count Olaf:
Goodnight and thank you, Jerome Squalor
She’s in every magazine
Been photographed, seen, she is known
We don’t like to rush but your case has been packed
If we’ve missed anything, you could give us a ring
But we don’t always answer the phone

Esme:
Oh, but it’s sad when a love affair dies
But when we were hot, we were hot
I know you’ll look back on the good times we shared

Lemony Snicket:
But Esme will not!

Count Olaf, Esme, and Jerome:
There is no one, no one at all
Never has been and never will be a lover
Male or female
Who hasn’t an eye on
In fact they rely on
Tricks they can try on their partner

They’re hoping their lover will help them or keep them
Support them, promote them
Don’t blame them
You’re the same

Count Olaf:
Goodnight and thank you, Jerome Squalor
We are grateful you’ve got
Guardianship of the Baudelaires
We’ll think of you once we steal their fortune
We’d love you to stay
But you’d be in the way
So do up your trousers and go

Esme:
Oh, but it’s sad when a love affair dies
The decline into silence and doubt
Our passion was just too intense to survive

Count Olaf:
For God’s sake, get out!

Jerome:
Oh, but this line’s an embarrassing sight
Someone has made me a fool
V.F.D. men call the sexual shots
Someone has altered the rules

Lemony Snicket:
Stealing kids’ fortunes is as far it goes
It’s all very well, but every girl knows
She needs a man she can monopolize
With fingers in dozens of different pies

Jerome:
Oh, but it’s sad when a love affair dies

The Baudelaires get to the “In” Auction at Veblen Hall to stop Count Olaf’s nefarious plan. Everywhere they look, they see so many useless “in” items along a huge crowd of people. They even run into Jerome Squalor and Mr. Poe who’s there to buy ocean decorations for his wife. The children try to convince Jerome to do them a favor to buy the V.F.D. box on Lot #50. Just as soon as doorman receives the large red herring statue, he alerts Count Olaf to skip Lot #49 to the box. A bidding war begins which leads to Jerome and Mr. Poe to eventually back down. Yet, Sunny bids $1000 and the Baudelaires win the lot. The children rush to the box hoping to rescue their friends. However, once they tear it open,  spilling Very Fancy Doilies fly everywhere. The Baudelaires are dismayed since they find a red herring, which brings a lot of dismay on Klaus. While the Quagmires are in that large red herring statue and are being loaded on a truck for a trip out of town.

The song I picked for this is “The Docks (Lovely Ladies) from Les Miserables which is actually a more depressing song depicting Fantine’s descent into prostitution. But not after getting her hair cut and teeth pulled out for cash to help Cosette whom she perceives ill. But in reality, the Thenariders are just using Cosette to sponge off her. In this version, I have the Baudelaires arrive at the “In” Auction and the bid on the Lot #50 box.

“Veblen Hall (Lovely Items)”

Violet:
Parsley soda,
Pinstripes everywhere
So many useless items
At Veblen Hall are here

First Buyer:
Dirty children
What they’re doing here?
All covered in ashes
Can someone get them out there?

Jerome:
Sorry, but I thought they were all ill!

Crowd:
Lovely items
Innest stuff in town
Waiting for the customers
To buy them off the shelf
Lovely items
Ready for a bid
Check out that piano
That’ll cost a bit
Some stuff’s not even worth shit

Klaus:
Hello, Jerome,
Can you do us a small favor here?
We want a box
Inscribed V.F.D. please, sir
Bid on the lot

Mr. Poe:
Oh, hi, kids
No luck with your friends
We think they’ll at
Some kind of glue factory,
Just think of that!

Violet:
Why are you here?

Mr. Poe:
It’s for my wife

Count Olaf (as Gunther):
A big red fish.
Who wants to bid?
Who wants to start at twenty-six!

Crowd:
Lovely buyers,
Bidding on a fish
Price is getting higher
While they’re trying to outbid

Count Olaf:
Eighty, ninety
One hundred, I see
Do I hear one-twenty, or one-fifty, please!

Klaus:
Gunther’s Olaf, Mr. Poe, hear me!

Mr. Poe:
Don’t you bother me
I’m engaged in a bidding war
Besides, you kids
Shouldn’t hate foreigners

Five hundred bucks?
That statue isn’t worth that.

Count Olaf:
Sold to the doorman!

Hook-Handed Man (as Doorman):
Oh, thank you sir, here’s all the cash.
I’ll leave at that.

Mr. Poe:
How much does that guy earn?

Violet:
We’ve got bigger matters, sir.

Hook-Handed Man:
Oh, by the way, the three children are here.

Count Olaf:
Indeed, I see
Let’s skip to Lot #50.
Let’s start the bid.
For this large V.F.D. box

Jerome:
Take twenty-five

Mr. Poe:
I’ll bid on it at thirty-five

Buyers:
Forty! Fifty! Sixty-five! Seventy-five!
Eighty! Ninety!

Violet:
Come on, Jerome, raise a hundred more

Klaus:
Mr. Poe, you have cash to bid some more

Crowd (including Mr. Poe and Jerome):
One-fifty! Two-fifty! Three-hundred-sixty-five!

Mr. Poe:
Four-twenty!

Jerome:
Five-hundred-eighty-there!

Mr. Poe:
Sorry, children, but I don’t have the cash on me

Jerome:
Seven-hundred, kind of really steep

Sunny:
Thousand!

Count Olaf:
Sold out to the little lady in the back
Come on up and get your
New box while you’re apt

Esme:
Listen, children, give us the money now

Klaus:
Why don’t you stop keeping kids
In a cage or box, Count Olaf?

Violet:
Let’s now get the Quagmires out!

Violet:
Doilies, Doilies!

Klaus:
Red herring I fell

Voice:
That was Lot #48

Klaus:
I meant that metaphorical

Mr. Poe:
Children, children, what’s gotten into you
All of you are dirty
Buying things you cannot use
Thinking Gunther’s
Olaf in disguise
No you’ve made a great big mess
Of doilies on the floor
Watch out someone’s bound to
Slip on one and fall!

Thanks to Esme’s manipulations, the Baudelaires are now stuck in total blackness in an elevator. Sure they might’ve landed on a net but it seems like they’re screwed. Violet doesn’t have any tools to invent anything and can’t use the net since they could fall. But baby Sunny sees the pegs nailed in to keep the net together, which gives her an idea. So she starts climbing the shaft walls with her teeth as crampons (though she also uses her little hands in the TV show to cling to rods). Yes, it’s kind of unbelievable and worrisome for her siblings, but the Baudelaires don’t have any other options. Once Sunny reaches the penthouse, she gets the rope from Violet’s bed and slides down to the net. Since they know climbing up would mean going to the penthouse, the Baudelaires decided to climb down. Reaching the bottom, they take their welding torches and venture down a long, dark corridor, which leads to a trap door. The push the trapdoor up and find themselves at the charred remains of their old house and spook a passing mailman. Makes you wonder how the Baudelaire Mansion burned down, doesn’t it?

I decided to go with “Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)” by Kenny Rogers and the First Edition, which was featured in The Big Lebowski. Written by Michael Newbury, the original version is about the effects of LSD intended to be used as a warning to the drug’s dangers. Though I’m not sure if it was effective in 1967 since there are plenty of brown acid references in the Woodstock documentary. In this version, I have the Baudelaires trying to get out of the dark shaft and tunnel.

“Just Dropped In (To See What Condition Our Condition Was In)”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

(Yeah, yeah, oh-yeah, what condition our condition was in)

Violet:
Went to Esme this mornin’ and we told her everything
She led us out of the large penthouse flat but then,
She pushed us through a shaft about 2 miles high
We hit the net as she gloated by
We just dropped in to see what condition our condition was in

(Yeah, yeah, oh-yeah, what condition our condition was in)

Klaus:
Sunny pushed herself from a deep dark hole climbing up the shaft
I watched her crawling out with her biting teeth
It’s just so dark I cannot unwind
She got the rope for a downhill climb
We just dropped in to see what condition our condition was in

(Yeah, yeah, oh-yeah, what condition our condition was in)

Violet:
We climb down through the hole to the rock bottom of the ersatz shaft
We took up the welding torches and headed down the dark corridor
We pushed out the trapdoor and found our home
We spooked a passing mailman who thought we’re ghosts
We just dropped in to see what condition our condition was in

We said we just dropped in to see what condition our condition was in
Yeah yeah oh-yeah

That morning, the Baudelaires go from the library to Esme who’s set to take them to the auction at Veblen Hall. They tell her everything like V.F.D., the Quagmires, and who Gunther really is. At first this seems to go well. Esme seems to listen and doesn’t tell them to shut up or that they’re making stuff up, as they’ve often heard before. She even seems to believe the kids and take them at every word they tell her, which they are happy to confirm. Furthermore, once the Baudelaires tell their story, Esme resolves to head straight to Veblen Hall and get everything sorted immediately. But just as we’re relieved that we finally have a responsible and competent adult in this series, Esme leads the Baudelaires to the ersatz elevator and pushes them down its deep, dark shaft. After the kids hit the net, Esme laughs above them stating that she knew everything they told them, that Olaf is her former acting teacher, and that she and Olaf will come back for them later. Oh, and she tries to justify her horrible actions by saying that Beatrice stole something from her. Nonetheless, this is a rather shocking turn of events which completely blows the Baudelaires away. Perhaps they would’ve taken a hint at Esme’s conduct toward Gunther before going to Café Salmonella. Then again, they may have thought her too self-absorbed and fashion obsessed to even risk her reputation as the city’s 6th most important financial advisor.

The song I chose for Esme is “You’re No Good,” which was most famously recorded by Linda Ronstadt in 1975 and became her signature song. However, it was written by Clint Ballard Jr. and originally recorded by soul singer Dee Dee Warwick in 1963. By the way, Warwick was the sister of Dionne Warwick, niece of Cissy Houston, and cousin of Whitney Houston. Other artists who’ve covered it pre-Ronstadt are Betty Everett and the Swinging Blue Jeans. The original version usually pertains to a woman telling her ex how much of a jerk he was to her in their relationship and that she’s not coming back to him. And she’ll probably try to get back together with a guy whose heart she broke. In this version, I have Esme gloating over the Baudelaires saying what amounts to, “Ha! Ha! You’re screwed! So long, suckers!”

“I’m No Good”

Sung by Esme Squalor

Feelin’ better, now that you know
Fellin’ better, cause I gotta go
You may be alive, you’re not okay
Now you see what I really am

I’m no good, I’m no good, I’m no good
Children, I’m no good (I’m gonna say it again)
I’m no good, I’m no good, I’m no good
Children, I’m no good

When auction’s done, and twins are gone
We’ll pack them up and run them out of town
You’ll never be okay, I guarantee
Just like I when Beatrice stole from me

I’m no good, I’m no good, I’m no good
Children, I’m no good (I’m gonna say it again)
I’m no good, I’m no good, I’m no good
Children, I’m no good

Once we’re done, Gunther will get you
Better pray now for you’re all through

I’m no good, I’m no good, I’m no good
Children, I’m no good
I’m gonna say it again
I’m no good, I’m no good, I’m no good
Children, I’m no good

What a wonderful and profitable day!
My former acting coach will have two fortunes today!

I’m no good, I’m no good, I’m no good
Children, I’m no good (I’m gonna say it again)
I’m no good, I’m no good, I’m no good
Children, I’m no good
Oh, oh, no
I’m no good, I’m no good, I’m no good
Children, I’m no good

When the Baudelaires return to the penthouse, they spend hours heating metal tongs in the stove until they’re scalding before climbing back into the shaft to get their captive Quagmire friends. While the cage remains, the Quagmires aren’t there. While all the children are upset, Violet takes their disappearance particularly hard, throwing her welding torch in despair. But Klaus points out that all is not lost since they know some of Olaf’s plan such as hiding Duncan and Isadora into a large auction item. So he looks to the “In” Auction catalog in the Squalor library. His best guess is the large box inscribed “V.F.D.” with holes.

The song I picked here is Carole King’s “It’s Too Late” which is about a blameless end to a loving relationship. Though the lyrics were written by Toni Stern who based the song on her breakup with James Taylor. On the other hand, this version has Klaus trying to cheer Violet up after her plan to save the Quagmires failed.

“It’s Too Late” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Stayed at stove with oven at 500 Fahrenheit
Heating metal tongs to free up the Quagmires
The cage still remainin’, but there’s no way to find them.

And it’s too late, Jesus Christ, it’s too late,
Though I really did try to save them.
Olaf’s got guys to hide em’ before our climb
And we just can’t make it, oh, no, no.

Klaus:
You tried to free em,’ but you didn’t come through.
But don’t worry, dear Violet, I know just what to do.
They’ll be at the “In” Auction, we just need to look.

It’s not too late, Violet now, not too late,
Though you really did try to save them.
We need to find where Olaf’s hiding them so I’ll try
The Squalors’ library, oh, no, no.

There’s an “In” Auction catalog in full view,
Though Esme’s set to take us, I know just what to do
It’s got to be Lot #50 V.F.D. box, and I hope we’ll pull through.

It’s not too late, Violet now, not too late,
Though you really did try to save them. (try to save them)
We’ll need to find and buy them where they hide
So we can just take them, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not too late, Violet, It’s not too late, Violet,
Not too late.

To their luck, the Baudelaires reach the bottom and find Duncan and Isadora Quagmire in a metal cage. At first the two triplets couldn’t believe it’s their friends from Prufrock Prep. Obviously they haven’t had a happy time since they’re Count Olaf’s hostages. But they have been taking notes on his plans. In fact, they tell the Baudelaires that Olaf’s planning to sneak them in a large object featured at the “In” Auction, have a henchman bid on it, and smuggle them out of town. There he intends to keep them on a far off island till they’re 18 in which he’ll get the sapphires. But Olaf’s going after the Baudelaires as well. Violet tries to pick the lock but is unable to do so yet has the idea to use hot irons and melt the bars. So the Baudelaires promise the Quagmires that they’ll be back to get them later. The Quagmires have something to tell them about V.F.D. in case they don’t see each other, but their friends don’t listen since they think such tidbits can wait.

The song I picked here is “All I Ask of You” from Phantom of the Opera which is a romantic duet between Christine and Raoul professing their love for each other and willingness to stay together. In this version, I have the Baudelaires reuniting with the Quagmires since their kidnapping at Prufrock Prep and their promise to rescue them.

“All I Ask of You” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Baudelaires and Quagmires

Violet:
No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide-eyed fears
We’re here, nothing can harm you
We’ll get you out and we swear to

Klaus:
Let us be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
We’re here, with you, beside you
To free you and to save you

Isadora:
“On Auction day, when the sun goes down
Gunther will try to sneak us out of town”
Say you’ll find us and you’ll take us with you
Promise me that all you say is true
That’s all I ask of you

Duncan:
Until Olaf’s got you,
He’ll sneak us out of town,
Far off to some distant island
So no police can find us

Isadora:
He intends to keep us
Until we’re both eighteen
Then he’ll steal the sapphires
When I hear more I’m just a crier

Duncan:
Count wants to hide us in the
Largest auction item
Then have one of his cronies bid on it

Violet:
Sorry, Quagmires, but I can’t big this cage lock
Wait for us, and we’ll come to rescue you
Quagmires, that’s all I ask of you

Duncan:
In case you don’t find us
Down here, in our cage
There’s something about V.F.D.

Klaus:
Save that another time
We will come and find you

Violet:
Please be patient

Duncan and Isadora:
You know we will

Violet and Klaus:
Wait here—that’s all we ask of you

We’ll be back down to rescue you
Wait here—that’s all we ask of you

That evening, the Baudelaires get to plan. Klaus mentions that there are two sets of elevator doors at the penthouse floor while every other floor has one. Thus, one of them must be fake which would explain why Count Olaf was able to sneak away without the doorman or anyone else seeing him (save Esme). But how to tell them apart? Well, Sunny figures that the button panels would have up and down buttons on them. So since you can’t go higher than the penthouse, they press the up button. Inside they find a bare shaft that’s nothing but blackness as the elevator is ersatz. So how to go down? Well, they decided to make a rope of extension cords, neckties, and curtains. Because they have to find Count Olaf to rescue the Quagmires.

The song I chose for this is Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit” which is a trippy tune by lead singer Grace Slick about Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland. She stated the original version was a slap to parents who read children such stuff but wonder why they end up using drugs later on. Also, she claimed to write this song after an acid trip. For her, the white rabbit symbolizes a pursuit of curiosity since drugs were about mind expansion and social experimentation. Not to mention, she often read Alice in Wonderland as a child. And it was one of the first songs whose drug references went past the censors on the radio, according to Wikipedia. But I highly doubt this since there are a lot of earlier songs replete with drug references as well. In this version, I have the Baudelaires going looking into the ersatz elevator shaft for the first time and going down.

“Ersatz Elevator”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Klaus:
One set has an elevator
And one set just has a shaft
If we want to know Olaf’s hideout
The second one’s is that
Sneak past Squalors
To tell doors apart

Violet:
How to tell which is genuine
And which is just a set of doors
Look at the buttons as Sunny told us
Don’t need “up” on top floor
Let’s press it
Since these are just plain doors

Klaus:
As the elevator doors start to open
Nothing but darkness from inside
No ropes, this elevator is an ersatz
As the long dark shaft terrifies
It’s just blackness
From a deep well’s side

Violet:
But we must all go down there
To find out Olaf’s plan
Forget about asking Jerome and Esme
Get some cords, drapes, and ties for a rope
While I tie them with the devil’s tongue
Down the shaft
Down the shaft

When Jerome and the Baudelaires return to 667 Dark Avenue that night, the doorman tells them that Gunther didn’t return and that they can’t leave the lobby until he shows up. But Jerome figures that since it takes a long time to go downstairs and is on his way out so he ignores the doorman. Yet, when they reach the penthouse, Esme claimed that Gunther left a long time ago. So how did he leave without anyone seeing him? Obviously, this has the Baudelaires very worried since this means that Count Olaf could be anywhere in the building, which is a very scary prospect for them. So the next morning while the Squalors are out, the Baudelaires search for their dreaded enemy. They first search the penthouse using a trail of breadcrumbs to keep track of the rooms they looked in since it’s a ridiculously large place. When there’s no sign of Olaf found, they turn to the other apartments in the 66 story building, thinking they could listen in. When that proves fruitless, they ask the doorman in the lobby. But he gives them the same answer and keeps them there until the Squalors show up. Yet, as they wait, the doorman slips something that gives Klaus an idea about the second elevator at the penthouse that’s not at the other apartments.

The song I chose for this is Steely Dan’s “Do It Again,” which was their breakthrough hit. The original version is said to be about some combination of addiction, second chances, and the inevitability of fate. Though many also have their interpretation such as the corruption and destruction pertaining to violence, sex, and money. In this version, I have the Baudelaires searching for Count Olaf at 667 Dark Avenue.

“Do It Again” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

“Do It Again” (ASOUE Version)
(Based on the song by Steely Dan)
Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
In the morning Jerome goes shopping
To stock up on parsley soda
Esme’s out to go hobnobbing
With the king of Arizona
Doorman thinks Olaf’s still here
While Esme claims he left
He might be inside the building
Or the penthouse apartment

We go back Jack do it again
Use breadcrumbs to check rooms
We go back Jack do it again

Klaus:
He may be in one of the apartments
Perhaps rented by a henchman
Did he hijack a compartment
And have tied up the hapless tenant?
Though it’s not right to go prying
Count Olaf can be anywhere
We don’t know where he his hiding
But must check the building here

We go back Jack do it again
Listen through doors and walls
We go back Jack do it again

Klaus:
Doorman still insists Gunther’s still here
Now we’re stuck back in the lobby
Wonder how he gets some sleep here
Says he drinks a lot of coffee
He says sometimes all the answers
Can be right under our noses
We must check the spare shaft elevator
Though I’m not sure what he knows

We go back Jack do it again
Let’s check that spare elevator
We go back Jack do it again

While Jerome Squalor is nice to the Baudelaires, he doesn’t believe in confrontation of any kind. Which means that he’ll go with whatever his wife Esme wants, even if her actions could harm the kids. And while he dislikes the idea of fashion in his wife’s eyes, he usually goes along with her anyway. Since he’s a walking, talking doormat, it’s fair to say that Esme abuses his position to gain access to the Baudelaires and wear the pants in the relationship. Still, Jerome is kind of a pathetic character who would’ve been much more likeable if he could just grow a pair. His self-absorbed, fashion-obsessed wife obviously doesn’t care about him (or anyone else). And he could certainly do better. Seriously, he’s rich and successful with a penthouse. I’m sure any woman would want him. Then again, his aversion to conflict really doesn’t make him good relationship material. Anyway, you can’t help feel sorry for him since Jerome’s life with Esme kind of sucks since it’s all about her.

The song I chose for him is “Mr. Cellophane” from Chicago. The original version focuses on Roxie Hart’s husband Amos, who’s basically Jerome Squalor’s working class counterpart. Both men are kindhearted doormats who are married to self-absorbed blondes who care nothing for them and see them as only a means to an end. In the original version, Amos sings about how he’s often ignored by everyone around him. And I’m sure Jerome gets the same feeling on many occasions. For I had to change very little of this song.

“Mr. Cellophane” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Jerome Squalor

If someone stood up in a crowd
And raised his voice up way out loud
And waved his arm and shook his leg
You’d notice him

If someone in the movie show
Yelled “Fire in the second row
This whole place is a powder keg!”
You’d notice him

And even without chirping like a wren
Everyone gets noticed, now and then,
Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisible, inconsequential me!

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
‘Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I’m there…

I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
‘Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I’m there…

Suppose you was a little cat
Residin’ in a person’s flat
Who fed you fish and scratched your ears?
You’d notice him

Suppose you was a woman, wed
And sleepin’ in a double bed
Beside one man, for seven years
You’d notice him

A human being’s made of more than air
With all that bulk, you’re bound to see him there
Unless that human bein’ next to you
Is unimpressive, undistinguished
You know who…

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
‘Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I’m there…
I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
‘Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I’m there
Never even know I’m there.