Eventually the van carrying the Volunteers Fighting Disease and the Baudelaires reach Heimlich Hospital, which is The Hostile Hospital’s primary setting. It’s a strange building. One side appears nice and fancy while the other is under construction. As to why the place isn’t finished, we’re not sure if it’s still under construction or more likely, those building it simply ran out of money since it’s know to suffer from budget costs. Though in the TV Show, the finished part Heimlich Hospital seems to resemble a brutalist structure straight from either the 1970s or the Soviet Union. Due to the series’ dark nature, the hospital plays on fears like inadequate healthcare and medical malpractice. Still, the Baudelaires need to figure out where to go next. Since wandering around the halls singing will eventually get them noticed and arrested somehow. Also, they need to find the answers to V.F.D. and Jacques Snicket. Luckily Babs announces Hal needs 3 volunteers for the Library of Records.

I decided to use Petula Clark’s “Downtown” for Heimlich Hospital’s introduction. Written by Tony Hatch, the original version recounts the exciting hustle and bustle around downtown New York City. While it’s a cheerful song, this version describes a place that’s actually quite shitty, even by hospital standards. But since it’s in the Hinterlands, it’s probably the only place residents in the middle of nowhere can go to for medical treatment.

 

“Heimlich”

Sung by Heimlich Hospital Staff

When you need treatment for an infectious cold
You can always go
Heimlich
When you’ve got rabies or you need to drop babies
There’s a place you go
Heimlich

Our patients here all hail from the middle of nowhere
Within the Hinterlands, we are #1 in healthcare
What can you use?
We’re the only hospital here
Who can provide you with treatment or any care

So go
Heimlich
You can’t go anywhere except
Heimlich
We’re not great up at
Heimlich
The doctor will see you soon

Sure we’re not elite in the medical facilities but
We got lots of wards
Heimlich
We all know all the hospital budget woes which
Our place clearly shows
Heimlich

Sure our building is unfinished as our halls are dirty
But our doctors know their stuff as the nurses are all flirty
At all hours
But if you’re out from nowhere
Where else you’ll find treatment or decent healthcare

So go
Heimlich
There’s really not much else
Heimlich
Unless you go heal yourself
Heimlich
You’re gonna be alright now
Heimlich

Heimlich
Heimlich

If you’re in urgent need, just please be patient with our doctors
We’re sorely understaffed here so they’re working wacky hours
During their shifts
Welcome, we’ll see you here
So please help yourself to our subpar healthcare

And go
Heimlich
Hope you can make it through
Heimlich
You’ll wait for hours more
Heimlich
You might leave here with the flu
Heimlich

Heimlich (Heimlich)
Heimlich (Heimlich)
Heimlich (Heimlich)
Heimlich (Heimlich)