A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Ya Got Trouble”

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Tragically, the next morning all of Klaus’ research into rule #2,493 and mob psychology prove fruitless in saving Jacques Snicket’s life. Just as Klaus takes the lead, Officer Luciana points out that Jacques is lying on the floor covered in a white sheet, indicating he’s dead. It’s fairly clear that Jacques had been mysteriously murdered the night before though everyone still thinks he’s Count Olaf or Count Omar. But things get worse for the Baudelaires as a flashy dressed man named Detective Dupin shows up to investigate. Yet, the kids instantly recognize him as Count Olaf in disguise. Dupin then decides that the Baudelaires are suspects and goes to ridiculous lengths to frame them such as producing a flowery ribbon to show Violet was there, a glasses lens to show Klaus was there, and fake bite marks on Jacques’ body to pin on Sunny. It’s a very flimsy case since Violet has her own ribbon, Klaus’s glasses are intact, and I’m sure Sunny’s teeth don’t resemble an end of the object Count Olaf hit Jacques with. However, despite that the Baudelaires have rock solid alibis that they were at Hector’s the whole night, the V.F.D. villagers believe Dupin hook, line, and sinker. Officer Luciana promptly arrests the kids and puts them in the Deluxe Cell at the Uptown Jail. Still, if the Baudelaires did kill Count Olaf, would anyone blame them? Of course not. Since killing him for them would qualify as justifiable homicide.

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For this part, I went with “Ya Got Trouble” from The Music Man. In the original version, Harold Hill uses the new pool table in River City to convince the townspeople that such activities will lead their kids to inevitable moral decay and corruption. This as part of his con with his boy band scheme. In this version, I have Count Olaf frame the Baudelaires for killing him (since the residents of V.F.D. think Jacques Snicket is the notorious Count). Sure it’s not in Dupin’s “cool” shtick, but it’s a more upbeat song that makes one of the most harrowing moments in the whole series a fun romp than a tragic turning point that will turn them fugitives for the rest of the books.

 

“Ya Got Trouble” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf (as Detective Dupin)

Count Olaf:
Well, either you’re closing your eyes
To a situation you do now wish to acknowledge
Or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated
By the presence of these orphans in your community.
You got trouble, my friend, right here,
I say, trouble right here in V.F.D.
Why sure I’m a police detective,
Certainly mighty proud I say
I’m always mighty proud to say it.
But during the hours overnight
Count Olaf was viciously murdered
But sadly didn’t put up a fight
I’m a cool head and a key eye.
Ever know who’d wear this
Or who’d need a bifocal lens
Or leave teeth marks on the corpse?
But just as I say,
It takes judgement, brains, and maturity to score
In a big-name case,
I say that any boob can take
A gun to shoot in the back.
But I call that sloth.
The oldest wears a ribbon
When she’s thinking of a scheme
The boy’s a bookish kid who needs glasses
But has wicked smarts.
And the baby loves to bite
With gnashing canine jaws
Puncturing flesh.
With evidence I’ve presented to you
Implicating these three kids as killers.
An implausible murder scheme? No!
But a scheme that’s oddly insidious to picture!
Like a gruesome gory Grimm fairy tale
Quite a night mare? Make your blood boil?
Well, I should say.
Now friends, let me tell you what I mean.
You’ve got one, two, three orphans in this crow village
Orphans who want Olaf’s head
That they can kick around for fun
With a capital “B,”
And that rhymes with “Hair” and that stands for Baudelaire!
Though I must surely concede
Count Olaf’s a remarkable actor
I say Count Olaf’s an actor!
An amazingly handsome talent with charm and kindness, too!
A genius of the theater
Who’ll surely be dearly missed by all
By the theater, the critics, and the saddened public
A genius of the highest regard
Til the orphans got him in prison with his pants down
On a Saturday night and that’s trouble,
Oh, yes we got lots and lots a’ trouble.
I’m thinking of your kids in the knickerbockers,
Shirt-tail young ones, walking along the street
Oh, sidewalks after school, you got trouble!, folks!
Right here in V.F.D!
Trouble with a capital “B”
And that rhymes with “Hair” and that stands for Baudelaire!
Now, I know all you folks are the right kind of parents.
I’m gonna be perfectly frank.
Would ya like to know what kind of children goes
On killing while they’re loafing around the jail?
They’re trying out reading, trying out science,
Trying out inventions like engineering fiends!
And bragging all about
How they’re gonna read “The Tell-Tale Heart” by Edgar Allan Poe
One fine night, they leave the prison,
Heading for the dance at the Armory!
Libertine men and scarlet women!
And opera, shameless music
That’ll grab your son and your daughter
With the mind of an intellectual instinct!
Mas-steria!
Friends, the active brain is the devil’s playground! Trouble!

V.F.D. Residents:
Oh we got trouble,

Count Olaf:
Right here in V.F.D!

V.F.D. Residents:
Right here in V.F.D!

Count Olaf:
With a capital “B”
That rhymes with “Hair”
And that stands for Baudelaire,

V.F.D. Residents:
Baudelaire

Count Olaf:
We’ve surely got trouble!

V.F.D. Residents:
We’ve surely got trouble!

Count Olaf:
Right here in V.F.D,

V.F.D. Residents:
Right here!

Count Olaf:
Gotta figure out a way
To preserve the young one’s safety after school!

V.F.D. Residents:
Our children’s children gonna have Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble…

Count Olaf:
Mothers of V.F.D!
Heed the warning before it’s too late!
Watch for the tell-tale sign of corruption!
The moment your child leaves the house,
Does he read encyclopedias when his time is free?
Is there a petroleum stain on her index finger?
A monkey wrench hidden in his night stand?
Is she starting to memorize poetry from
Captain Billy’s Whiz Bag?
Are certain words creeping into his conversation?
Words like ‘inordinate?”
And ‘pandemonium?”
Well, if so my friends,
Ya got trouble!

V.F.D. Residents:
Oh we got trouble,

Count Olaf:
Right here in V.F.D!

V.F.D. Residents:
Right here in V.F.D!

Count Olaf:
With a capital “B”
That rhymes with “Hair”
And that stands for Baudelaire,

V.F.D. Residents:
Baudelaire

Count Olaf:
We’ve surely got trouble!

V.F.D. Residents:
We’ve surely got trouble!

Count Olaf:
Right here in V.F.D,

V.F.D. Residents:
Right here!

Count Olaf:
Remember Count Olaf, Fowl Fountain and the Golden Rule!

V.F.D. Residents:
Our children’s children gonna have trouble, trouble, trouble(cont.)

Count Olaf:
Oh, we’ve got trouble.
We’re in terrible, terrible trouble.
Those strange three young orphans are a devil’s tool!

V.F.D. Residents:
Devils Tool!

Count Olaf:
Oh yes we got trouble, trouble, trouble!

V.F.D. Residents:
Oh we got trouble here, we got big big trouble!

Count Olaf:
With a “B”!

V.F.D. Residents:
With a capital B!

Count Olaf:
Gotta rhyme it with “Hair”!

All:
And that’s Baudelaire!!!

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