A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Let It Go”

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The end of The Vile Villages leaves the Baudelaires on the outskirts of V.F.D. scrambling to obtain the scattered papers from the Quagmires’ tattered notebooks to find answers to their questions. But the wind blows many of them away so they only have 22 pages to look at. And the kids can’t stay long since the angry mob will be back for them. So they flee. While the previous books always had Mr. Poe to fetch them, from now on, the Baudelaires are on their own since they’re wanted criminals. Sure they’re innocent but there’s a Daily Punctilio issue with their faces on it branding them as murderers. Yes, it’s basically Fox News in the world of ASOUE, but adults blindly believe its misleading content. So the Baudelaires are screwed. Though Sunny does make her first steps (but only in the book. In the show, she drives a firetruck.)

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The song I selected is Frozen’s “Let It Go.” In the original version, Queen Elsa has just caused eternal winter as her ice powers are discovered in public. Now she’s fleeing from all her responsibilities as the reigning monarch of Arendelle. It’s not an empowering anthem like it’s touted to be in any way. “Let It Go” is Elsa’s way to say “fuck it all” as she hides in the mountains to build her massive ice castle. And she turns everything into ice and snow along the way. Though she’s embracing her identity, she’s doing it by turning back on the world and with no consideration for anyone else like her kingdom or her sister. In this version, I have Klaus singing how he and his sisters are on their own and how they must accept the idea that any adult will come through to them since they’re now fugitives.

 

“Let It Go” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Klaus Baudelaire

Pitchfork mob rages from the village tonight
Not a safe place to be seen
No Hector and no Quagmires
Since they’ve left in a flying machine
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Got to run like hell, they will have our lives

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good boy you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the blaze rage on
Count Olaf never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To help my sisters and get through
At least till Violet turns eighteen
We’ll flee

Let it go, let it go
We’ll be gone from here first light
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry
Here I stand and here I’ll stay
Let the blaze rage on

I remember every word in every book I’ve ever read
My encyclopedic knowledge fills the confines of my head
And one thought crystallizes like a fiery blast
I’m never going back, Mr. Poe can kiss my ass

Let it go, let it go
And we’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect boy is gone
Here I stand in the light of day
Let the blaze rage on
Count Olaf never bothered me anyway

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A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Mob Song”

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Unfortunately, the Baudelaires and Quagmires are being chased by a mob of villagers determined the burn them all at the stake. Wielding torches and pitchforks they chase after the kids from the town proper all the way to the outskirts to find Hector. And yes, Dupin and Luciana are both leading the way. But when they get to his home, he’s and his flying machine are nowhere to be found. However, as the mob closes in, Hector shows up in his self-sustaining hot air mobile home. He throws down the rope ladder as the Baudelaires allow the Quagmires climb in first as well as tell the Council of Elders and the V.F.D. residents where to stick it. Okay, maybe the latter in the figurative sense. Once the Quagmires are in safe and sound in Hector’s flying machine, the Baudelaires follow as the crows are flying to the Nevermore Tree at dusk. But like so many times in the series, when it seems their troubles may be over, there’s always something keeping them down. This time it’s Officer Luciana whipping up her harpoon gun and firing at the hot air mobile home. She eventually severs the rope ladder, causing the Baudelaires to fall to the ground. And there’s no way Hector can go down. So they say goodbye to their friends while the Quagmires throw down their notebooks which Officer Luciana shoots a spear at in plain spite along with a crow (by accident). But the Baudelaires only receive bits of paper they scramble to collect. The book ends with Dupin being exposed as Count Olaf and Officer Luciana as Esme Squalor while fleeing V.F.D. on a motorcycle from a mob by angry villagers.

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The song I went with during this thrilling scene is the “Mob Song” from Beauty and the Beast. In the original version, Gaston uses fear tactics a torches and pitchfork mob to storm the castle and kill the Beast because Belle actually likes him. While she had repeatedly rejected Gaston. Meanwhile Belle scrambles to return to the castle to save the Beast’s life. This is a very chilling sequence in the movie. In this version, I have Count Olaf and Esme incite the mob and go after the Baudelaires trying to escape with their friends.

 

“Mob Song” (ASOUE Version)

Count Olaf: These kids will make off with your children.
Mob: {gasp}
Count Olaf: They’ll come after them in the night.
Hector: No!
Esme: We’re not safe till they’re all burned at the stake!
Say we kill the kids!
Mob: Kill them!

Man I: They’re not safe until they’re dead.
Man ii: They’ll come stalking us at night
Woman: Set to sacrifice our children to their monstrous appetites
Man iii: They’ll wreak havoc on our village if we let them run off free
Esme: So it’s time to take some action, boys
It’s time to follow me

Through the town
Through the plains
Through the darkness and the shadows
It’s a nightmare but it’s one exciting ride
Say a prayer
Then we’re there
At the outskirts of our village
And there’s somethings truly terrible outside
It’s those kids
They got knives
Razor sharp ones
See them run
With two more as they flee
There they go
See them roam
But we’re not coming home
‘Til they’re dead
Good and dead
Kill the kids!

Hector: No! I won’t let you do this!
Esme: If you’re not with us, you’re against us!
Bring the tall man!
Hector: Get your hands off me!
Esme: We can’t have him running off to warn the orphans.
Hector: Let me out!
Count Olaf: We’ll rid the village of these kids. Who’s with me?
Mob: I am! I am! I am!

Light your torch
Get your forks
Count Olaf: Screw your courage to the sticking place
Mob: We’re counting on Dupin to lead the way
Through the sand
Through the plain
Where within the village outskirts
Something’s lurking that you don’t see ev’ry day
It’s those kids
Running from execution
We won’t rest
‘Til they’re good and deceased
Sally forth
Tally ho
Grab your gun
Grab your bow
Praise the Lord and here we go!

Count Olaf: We’ll lay siege to these children and bring back their heads!
Hector: I have to get the kids! This is all my fault! Oh, Jesus, what am I going to do?
I’ll get in my hot air mobile home.

Mob: We don’t like
What we don’t understand
In fact it scares us
And these children are mysterious at least
Bring your guns
Bring your knives
Save your children and your wives
We’ll save our village and our lives
We’ll kill the kids!

Klaus: I knew it! I knew it was foolish to get our hopes up.
Violet: Maybe it would have been better if we had never come at all.
Could it be?
Klaus: Is it he?
Violet: Oh my God, it’s Hector!
Klaus: In his hot air mobile home!
Hector: And you crow loving shills can suck it!
Get in here, kids! If you want to flee this town,
you better hurry up the ladder! Who’s with me?
Elders: How dare you break all our rules! Get more firewood!
Hector: Up yours! I’m bailing this place and taking the kids with me!
Count Olaf: Take whatever booty you can find. But remember, the kids are mine!

Quagmires and Baudelaires:
Hearts ablaze
Hopes are high
We go climbing up the hot air home
Unafraid although the danger just increased
Mob: Raise the flag
Sing the song
Here we come, we’re fifty strong
And fifty Fowl Devotees can’t be wrong
Let’s kill the kids!

Villager: What’s with the harpoon gun?
Esme: I’m shooting it down!
Villager: But that’s illegal!

Mob:
Kill the kids!
Kill the kids!

Hector: Oh, that’s okay. You only got to my extra flour and batteries. Also, hit some of my cranberry juice. How about I go higher?
Sunny: No!
Count Olaf: Stop them!
Villagers: He has a motorcycle! Get him!
Elder: He’s not a citizen so he’s fine.

Mob:
Kill the kids!
Kill the kids!

Violet: Klaus, Sunny, get down! Officer Luciana’s shot the rope ladder. There’s no way we can get up!
Klaus: Okay, Vi. Do what she says, Sunny.
Violet and Klaus: Bye, Hector, Duncan and Isadora.
Duncan and Isadora: Take our notebooks before you go.
Esme: Not so fast, kiddies! Oh, shit!

Mob:
Kill the chief!
Kill the chief!
Kill the chief!

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Eye of the Fountain”

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Once the Baudelaires receive the last couplet from Hector, Klaus smiles since it allows him to figure out where the Quagmires are hiding. He finds that the first letter of each line on Isadora’s couplets spells out the word “Fountain” indicating that Count Olaf had hidden their friends inside the recently constructed Fowl Fountain. Running out of time, they use the wooden bench to ram into the weakened wall to break the wall open. They escape the prison and go to the Fowl Fountain where Sunny presses the crow eye button freeing the Quagmires who are both wet but their notebooks are intact. Duncan and Isadora explained that Count Olaf locked them in the tower at his house before having his associates build the Fowl Fountain to imprison them. For 4 days, the Quagmires attached a couplet to a crow’s feet every morning, which fell off the Nevermore Tree when the paper was dry. They also tell the Baudelaires that the murdered man was Jacques Snicket. However, the mob is catching up to them and they need to run. Hope Hector can get his hot air mobile home up and running in time.

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The song I chose here is “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor which was also the theme song for Rocky III. It’s often used during training or fighting montages in movies. Though its original meaning goes around surviving through combat as far as I know. In this version, I have Klaus figure out the couplets, the children breaking out of the prison, and saving the Quagmires.

 

“Eye of the Fountain”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Klaus:
Hector gave us the last scroll
Laid out all of the couplets
Now as you two try to break through the wall
I know find where our friends hide

The first letters of each scroll verse
Spells out the word “Fountain”
They couldn’t speak to us until light of dawn
They’re in town and held up inside

In the eye of the fountain
In the center of town
Where we’ll our friends, the Quagmires
That’s where they’re hiding
So let’s go at first light
So we’ll rescue our friends from the eye of the fountain

Violet:
Now it’s dawn, think something quick
Cause they’ll be here any moment
This bench as a ram might just do the trick
Make a hole so we can get out and fly

To the eye of the fountain
In the center of town
Where we’ll our friends, the Quagmires
That’s where they’re hiding
So let’s go at first light
So we’ll rescue our friends from the eye of the fountain

Klaus:
Running out, straight to the square
Get to the Fowl Fountain
How to get the Quagmires out of there
And to open the fountain they hide

It’s the eye of the fountain
In the center of town
Where we’ll our friends, the Quagmires
That’s where they’re hiding
So let’s go at first light
So we’ll rescue our friends from the eye of the fountain

Both:
The eye of the fountain
The eye of the fountain
The eye of the fountain
The eye of the fountain

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Dear Hector”

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At dawn, Hector comes to the Deluxe Cell in the prison to visit the Baudelaires right before they’re due to be burned at the stake. Of course, he’s not able to help them get out of the jail since he’s too much of a wuss to speak in front of the Council of Elders. Though he still planned to help as he’s getting ready to leave in the self-sustaining hot air mobile home that afternoon, just in case they escape and need a fast getaway. He also gives them the final Isadora couplet reading: “Inside these letters the eye will see,/Nearby are your friends and V.F.D.” which is the most useful thing he’s done in this scene.

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The song I went with here is Bob Dylan’s “Dear Landlord” which appeared in the John Wesley Harding album. As with most of his songs, we’re not sure if the financially embattled narrator’s asking his landlord to give him some slack on his rent during a dispute. Though he understands his landlord is suffering as well. He can also be about working through his cathartic emotions after falling out with his manager Albert Grossman who Dylan came to believe was ripping him off both financially and personally. Some even contend it’s Dylan praying to God to spare his life. In this version, I have the Baudelaires begging Hector to convince the Council of Elders of their innocence. Since Hector is the only adult in the town who knows they didn’t kill anyone.

 

“Dear Hector”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Dear Hector
Please don’t throw a towel on our souls
Our burden is heavy
Our fate is beyond control
When that sun rises tomorrow morn
They’re gonna burn us at the stake
And I hope you don’t let us down
Since you know we Baudelaires are innocent.

Klaus:
Dear Hector
Please heed these words that I speak
You know we’ve suffered much
But your words can let us go free
All of us, you know have rock solid alibis
We’re not trying to ask for too much
Cause we’re all not killers
So please grow a pair and find a way to save us.

Violet:
Dear Hector
Please don’t dismiss our case
I’m not about to argue
We’re not about to move to no other place
You have your hot air home ready to go
Though our school friends still need rescued
And if you don’t underestimate us
We won’t underestimate you.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Bread and Water”

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While Count Olaf offers to save one of the children to get his hands on the Baudelaire fortune, the children refuse. To make matters even more depressing, Klaus releases it’s his 13th birthday which everyone completely forgot about. Mostly because the kids are being held in a prison cell for murder. But like any teenage boy or girl, he wished to spend his birthday outside a deluxe prison cell and not awaiting to be burned at the stake the next day. But once Officer Luciana gives the Baudelaires bread and water, Violet gets an idea. After tying her hair in a ribbon, she takes a bench, pours the water on some wearing mortar, and uses the bread as a sponge. The process may take several hours but at least it’s something.

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The song I chose here is David Bowie’s “Rebel, Rebel” from his Ziggy Stardust during the 1970s. The original version is known for its gender-bending lyrics. Yet, in this version, I have Violet trying to break down the mortar in a prison wall so she and her siblings can escape.

 

“Bread and Water”

Sung by Violet Baudelaire

We’ve got to break out of this cell
For tomorrow, we’ll be burned to hell
Don’t fear, it’s quite alright
With these, let’s break out tonight

Klaus, go stand, I need that bench
I can use this thing to make a ramp
We’ll need help now, we need it bad
This tray has what I need and fast

The bread is hard, it may take long
But in a cell, you take what’s on

Bread and water, it may be all
Bread and water, we’ll break that wall
Bread and water, let’s hit the spot
Pour out, we’ll soon get out

Won’t we?

My bad, you’ve turned thirteen
For we’ve forgotten from where we’ve been
Smile Klaus, it’ll be alright
With these, we’ll break out tonight

I’ll pour water on the bench
To the weak spot on the brick wall
To loosen bricks as the mortar wears
Since water erodes clay, dirt, and rocks

With the bread sponge, we’ll soak it in
Klaus and Sunny, please pitch in

Bread and water, it may be all
Bread and water, we’ll break that wall
Bread and water, let’s hit the spot
Pour out, we’ll soon get out

Won’t we?
Uh

Bread and water, it may be all
Bread and water, we’ll break that wall
Bread and water, let’s hit the spot
Pour out, we’ll soon get out
Won’t we?

It may be all
We’ll break that wall
It may take all day, but we’ll get out and escape
I’ve got the bench, bread, water, and a worn wall
It may be slow but there’s no way to go
Cause the adults are all a bunch of useless tools
Water’ll wear the bricks
Hope that does the trick
Because V.F.D.’s full of dicks
If there’s little time to cram
Use bench as battering ram

So what you wanna know?
Calamity’s children, chi-childr, chi-childr
Where’d you wanna go?
What can I do for you?
Looks like you’ve been there too
Cause it may be all
And we’re breaking the wall
Ooo, we’re breaking the wall
Ooo, ooo, so we’re hitting the spot?
Eh, he, we’re hitting the spot?
Eh, eh

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “These Boots Are Made for Walkin'”

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As chief of police in V.F.D. Officer Luciana is the main law enforcement official who arrests the Baudelaires and keeps them in the Deluxe Cell at the Uptown Jail. Unfortunately, she’s actually Esme Squalor in disguise and is in V.F.D. to assist Count Olaf with killing Jacques Snicket and frame the kids for his murder. But since she spends most of the novel wearing a police helmet with a visor covering her eyes, nobody can positively identify her until the end. Yet, in the TV show, it’s clear Officer Luciana is Esme and her outfit is perhaps the most unbecoming of any police officer (Italian accent aside). I mean if Gwen Stefani was a police officer, she would dress like Officer Luciana in the Netflix series. Bright red knee high boots and all.

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I chose Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots Are Made for Walkin'” for Esme in her Officer Luciana disguise. In the original version, the girl tells the guy he’s no good and she’ll make him regret his treatment of her. In this version, I have Esme intimidate the Baudelaires from a barred window if they ever dare cross her.

 

“These Boots Are Made for Walkin'” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Esme Squalor (as Officer Luciana)

You keep saying you didn’t kill Count Omar
But I think you three are full of shit
Dupin has found your ribbon, lens, and bite marks,
And such evidence is incredibly hard to miss

These boots are made for walkin’
And that’s just what they’ll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you
Yeah

You keep lying when you oughta be truthin’
And you keep losin’ when you oughta not bet
You killed Omar and nothing’s gonna change that
Now what’s right is right, but you ain’t been right yet

These boots are made for walkin’
And that’s just what they’ll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you

I’ll escort all you three towards the stake tomorrow
And you keep thinkin’ that you’ll never get burned, ha!
I just found me a brand new box of matches, yeah
And what they know, you ain’t had time to learn

These boots are made for walkin’
And that’s just what they’ll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you

Are you ready boots?
Start walkin’!

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Tell Them About It”

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From the moment Count Olaf pins his own murder on the Baudelaires, the kids call on Hector to defend them. Since he was the only adult who was with them that night, making him their only hope for an alibi. First, Hector is nervous around the townspeople, particularly the Council of Elders. So he can’t say anything in their defense. Secondly, he and the Baudelaires were doing quite a lot of illegal things the previous night like repairing his hot air mobile home and looking up info in his secret library. Since the townspeople don’t know about Hector’s secret library and workshop, such testimony is unlikely to convince the townspeople, especially if it comes from Violet and Klaus’s mouths. The village of V.F.D. disowns them while the Council of Elders schedules to burn them at the stake the following day. Because the townspeople are crazy and don’t believe in a concept known as due process or innocent until proven guilty.

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For Baudelaires’ pleading to Hector, I went with “Tell Her About It” by Billy Joel. Of course, in this version, Joel is telling any guy listening to him to tell the girl they care about how they feel. It even has its own 1980s musical video depicting Joel with his band on the 1963 Ed Sullivan show as B.J. and the Affordables. In this version, the Baudelaires are pleading to Hector to vouch for them because their lives depend on his testimony. Too bad Hector is too nervous to come through. To be fair, I think I’m having a little too much fun with this considering the song parody selection.

 

“Tell Them About It”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Please Hector
We don’t want to have our young lives
Burn away
We all have solid alibis
You can vouch for so we’re not burned at
The stake
We’re all real nice kids
And we’d never hurt a fly
But they won’t believe us as they see us full of lies

Klaus:
Please Hector
I’m sure that you sure can get it all
Under control
I know the Elders may scare you now
But you got to grow some balls
You’re a good man now
Please never let us go
But you got to tell the Elders what
They ought to know

Both:
Tell them about it
Tell them where we were last night
Give them every reason to accept
Our alibis

Tell them about it
Tell them we were with you
Don’t need to give details
Let them know we’ve told the truth

Klaus:
Please Hector
It’s not automatically a certain guarantee
To save our lives
You’ve got to provide communication for once please
Cause when we do that
The adults always ignore
And there’s only one good way
To reassure

Both:
Tell them about it
Let them know we weren’t near
Tell them what we were doing
Don’t be held back by your fears

Tell them about it
So we all can go free
Please ty to convince them
Give them something to believe

Violet:
Cause pretty soon
They’ll get to kindling
Just because you didn’t speak up
For us now
Though you may not have done anything
Will that be a consolation when we’re gone

Klaus:
Please Hector
It’s good information from a boy
Who’s made mistakes
Just a word or two that they get from you
Could be the difference that it makes

They just trust adults
They’ll put their trust in you
But if you don’t tell them now we won’t
Know what to do

Both:
Tell them about it
Tell them where we were last night
Give them every reason to accept
Our alibis

Tell them about it
Tell them we were with you
Don’t need to give details
Let them know we’ve told the truth

Tell them about it
Tell them we were with you
Tell them about it
The Elders won’t wait too long
You got to tell them about it
Tell them now and you won’t go wrong
You got to tell them about it
Before it gets too late
You got to tell them about it
You know they’ll burn us at
The stake, you got to
Tell them about it