As chief of police in V.F.D. Officer Luciana is the main law enforcement official who arrests the Baudelaires and keeps them in the Deluxe Cell at the Uptown Jail. Unfortunately, she’s actually Esme Squalor in disguise and is in V.F.D. to assist Count Olaf with killing Jacques Snicket and frame the kids for his murder. But since she spends most of the novel wearing a police helmet with a visor covering her eyes, nobody can positively identify her until the end. Yet, in the TV show, it’s clear Officer Luciana is Esme and her outfit is perhaps the most unbecoming of any police officer (Italian accent aside). I mean if Gwen Stefani was a police officer, she would dress like Officer Luciana in the Netflix series. Bright red knee high boots and all.

I chose Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots Are Made for Walkin'” for Esme in her Officer Luciana disguise. In the original version, the girl tells the guy he’s no good and she’ll make him regret his treatment of her. In this version, I have Esme intimidate the Baudelaires from a barred window if they ever dare cross her.

“These Boots Are Made for Walkin'” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Esme Squalor (as Officer Luciana)

You keep saying you didn’t kill Count Omar
But I think you three are full of shit
Dupin has found your ribbon, lens, and bite marks,
And such evidence is incredibly hard to miss

These boots are made for walkin’
And that’s just what they’ll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you
Yeah

You keep lying when you oughta be truthin’
And you keep losin’ when you oughta not bet
You killed Omar and nothing’s gonna change that
Now what’s right is right, but you ain’t been right yet

These boots are made for walkin’
And that’s just what they’ll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you

I’ll escort all you three towards the stake tomorrow
And you keep thinkin’ that you’ll never get burned, ha!
I just found me a brand new box of matches, yeah
And what they know, you ain’t had time to learn

These boots are made for walkin’
And that’s just what they’ll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you

Are you ready boots?
Start walkin’!