Perhaps one of the worst things the Baudelaires have to endure is the monumental insufferable red-headed brat Carmelita Spats. Though she thinks she’s the cutest, prettiest, and nicest girl in the whole school, she’s a mean, arrogant, snobby, and selfish girl who cares for nobody but herself. She demands people to respect and revere her despite doing nothing to earn such treatment. Nonetheless, she thinks she’s the center of the universe while the world revolves around her. Her spoiled personality makes her show no respect for her elders and those around her. Not to mention, she makes Harry Potter’s Draco Malfoy look like a Boy Scout in comparison. In A Series of Unfortunate Events, Carmelita bullies the Baudelaires for being orphans and calling them, “cakesniffers.” Hell, she even got most of the students to yell, “Cakesniffing orphans in the Orphan Shack!” Yet, out of the Baudelaire children subject to her torment, Violet has it the worst. Mostly because they’re in the same class. And Carmelita sat behind her where she’d lean forward, poke her back, and whisper “orphan” in her ear. This would cause Violet to lose concentration and forget to write some detail of Mr. Remora’s story. Fortunately she had Duncan pass her notes. Still, doesn’t help that Nero sends her to give message to the Baudelaires and insists they give her earrings for tips.

The song I picked for the ghastly and unpleasant Carmelita Spats is “I Feel Pretty” from West Side Story. The original version depicts how great the Puerto Rican Maria feels after falling for Tony despite how he’s affiliated with a rival gang against her brother. However, in this version, I have Carmelita reveal her delusional and enormous ego by singing of how great she is. While Violet is sulking due to the little bitch’s constant bullying in Mr. Remora’s class.

“I Am Pretty”

Sung by Carmelita Spats and Violet Baudelaire

Carmelita:
I am pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I am pretty and witty and bright!
And it’s shitty
That some don’t even think I’m right.

I am charming,
Oh, so charming
It’s alarming how charming I am!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I’m real.

See the pretty girl in that mirror there:
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

I am stunning
And entrancing,
You cakesniffers aren’t good for my curls,
For I am
The prettiest girl in the world!

Violet:
My God, it’s that bitch Carmelita
She’s seated in behind me in class
She’ll torment me every few minutes
She’ll lean in, whisper “orphan,” and poke my back

She thinks she’s all that
She’s really a pain
She makes my life hell
She drives me insane

When she pokes my back
I can’t concentrate
I can’t keep my notes
While I lose my place

Hey, Remora, sir,
Need a seat here
Put me far away
From Carmelita

Spiteful and rude,
Selfish and stuck up
Sadistic and cruel
For God’s sake, she sucks!

Carmelita:
I am pretty,
Oh, so pretty
That the city should give me its key.
A committee
Should be organized to honor me.

Students:
La la la la . . .

Carmelita:
I’m a sweetie
I am sunny,
I feel kindly and funny and fine,
And so pretty,
Miss America can just resign!

Students:
La la la la . . .

Carmelita:
See the pretty girl in that mirror there.

Violet:
Oh, my God please!

Carmelita:
Who can that attractive girl be?

Violet:
Please, Jesus Christ!

Carmelita:
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

Violet:
What a fucking bitch!

Carmelita:
I am stunning
And entrancing,
You cakesniffers aren’t good for my curls,
For I am
The prettiest girl in the world!