A typical day at Prufrock Preparatory School is quite a grind. As far as we know, students spend most of their day in a classroom with a teacher who lectures a pointless boring lesson. If you’re in the same classroom as Violet and Duncan, your teacher is the compulsive banana eating Mr. Remora whose concept of education consists of telling kids 3-4 sentence stories about his life which they have to copy down and are tested on. You also have to worry about Carmelita Spats acting up. If you’re in the same classroom as Klaus and Isadora, your teacher is the metric system obsessed Mrs. Bass who makes her students measure random objects that she brings to school each day. But none of them have it as bad as Sunny who spends her day at Vice Principal Nero’s office as his secretary because Nero didn’t know where else to put her. She’s obviously unqualified since she’s a baby who has to answer the phone, take dictation, and use a typewriter, all of which she totally fails at. Oh, and she has to make her own staples. And if you think they can look forward to the weekend, students can forget it. Though in the TV show they do have a sports team and its mascot is a dead horse.

A song I chose for the Baudelaires’ first day in class or administrative work is “Sit Down, John!” from 1776. In the original version, John Adams is asking the Continental Congress to vote for independence from Great Britain. But the delegates don’t want to since it’s so freaking hot outside as well as that they’re in a building with no air conditioning and wearing woolen coats and powdered wigs. In this version, I have the teachers telling the kids to settle down in class since I find noisy classrooms particularly unpleasant. And I have Vice Principal Nero telling Sunny to type fast and answer the phone properly, which she’s incapable of doing since she’s a baby.

 

“Shut Up, Class!”

Lemony Snicket:
I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, that two are called a law firm, and that three or more become a Congress! And by God, Violet and Klaus Baudelaire had useless teachers at Prufrock Prep, indeed, which you’d call a law firm. Violet’s teacher was the chain banana eating Mr. Remora whose concept of education consisted of telling kids 3 or 4 sentence they must copy down and are tested on. Klaus’s teacher was Mrs. Bass who’s obsessed with the metric system and whose lesson plans consisted of making students measure items random items she brings to school each day. Though their days were nothing compared to what Sunny had to deal with in Vice Principal Nero’s office, especially since she had to answer the phone and work a typewriter. Worse, they don’t even have weekends. Good God!

Mr. Remora:
Shut up, class
Shut up, class
For God’s sake, class
Shut up!

Mrs. Bass:
Shut up, class
Shut up, class
For God’s sake, class
Shut up!

Student:
Someone ought to open up a window!

Students:
It’s ninety degrees
Have mercy, teach, please
It’s hot as hell in Prufrock Preparatory School

Student:
Someone ought to open up a window!

Vice Principal:
I say type fast!
Type fast!
Answer the phone properly!

Student:
Someone ought to open up a window!

Vice Principal Nero:
I say type fast!

Mr. Remora:
Shut up, class!

Vice Principal Nero:
Answer the phone properly!

Student:
Someone ought to open up a window!

Students:
No! No! No!
Too many flies
Too many flies
But it’s hot as hell in Prufrock Preparatory School

Are you going to open up a window?

Can’t we compromise here?

Vice Principal Nero:
Type fast!

Students:
No, too many flies here!

Vice Principal Nero:
Type fast!

Mrs. Bass:
Oh for God’s sake, class, shut up!

Klaus:
Good God! I was really looking forward to class today.

Isadora:
You’ll be bored to tears by lunch time.

Carmelita:
Sir, you’re a bore
We’ve heard this before
Now, for God’s sake, Mr. Remora
Fuck you!

Vice Principal Nero:
I say type fast!

Sunny:
No!

Vice Principal Nero:
Type fast!

Sunny:
No!

Vice Principal Nero:
Answer the phone properly!

Students:
Someone ought to open up a window!

Vice Principal Nero:
I say type fast!

Mr. Remora and Mrs. Bass:
Shut up, class!

Vice Principal Nero:
Answer the phone properly!

Klaus:
Will someone shut these guys up?

Isadora:
Never! Never!