A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Coach Genghis Intro”


While the Baudelaires’ life at Prufrock Preparatory School isn’t great per se, but at least they’re trying to make the best of things. For one, they have Duncan and Isadora Quagmire as friends. They’re also working on to make the Orphans Shack more like a home. They make tap shoes to drive off the crabs while inside and use salt to ward off the fungus. Of course, they’re probably stealing stuff from the school for these improvements. But it’s not like they had any choice to live in the shit house (no, not that kind of shithouse. Though I believe the Baudelaires probably use one of those, too. Yet, Lemony doesn’t talk about how they went to the bathroom.)  But just as everything seems bearable, Count Olaf shows up. This time, he’s disguised as the new gym teacher Coach Genghis wearing a track suit, athletic shoes, and a turban. In the TV show, he even speaks in a Southern accent. Anyway, he’s looking for orphans to be in the in his fitness regime called Special Orphan Running Exercises or S.O.R.E. And somehow the Baudelaires seem to fit the bill. Also, he’s stroking Vice Principal Nero’s ego.


For his intro, I went with “The Brothers Come to Egypt” from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. In the original version, the brothers go to Egypt for better food and provisions since there’s a famine in Israel. There, they meet Joseph who they don’t recognize. But he’s less than enthusiastic since they threw him in a well and sold him to slaver. In this version, I have the Baudelaires and Quagmires meet Count Olaf as Coach Genghis.


“Coach Genghis Intro”

Lemony Snicket:
Just as the Baudelaires began settling in
Nero showed up with a new coach for gym

Violet and Klaus:
We’ve added fixes to the Orphan’s Shack
With tap shoes
And some salt
It’s not all that bad
Yes, we occasionally had to go steal
But at least the Quagmires are here

Vice Principal:
I’d want all you orphans to meet

Count Olaf (as Coach Genghis):
I’m Coach Genghis your new gym teach

Hello, Coach

Welcome here

Make yourself at home

Jesus Christ, Violet-
Hey, pull up a chair.

Count Olaf:
I came down to look at your legs
So I can try you out for my reg
The Baudelaires have
What I need
But the twins’ knees look pretty weak

Perhaps, you’d join me tonight
At the auditorium
As I play my violin
For my evening fun

Count Olaf:
I would love to see your recital tonight
For screeching cats are always a delight

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