Tragically, after a night watching Zombies in the Snow, the kindly Uncle Monty is tragically murdered by Count Olaf in the Reptile Room. Lo and behold, the Baudelaires discover his poor lifeless body slumped in his chair the next morning when they’re set to leave for Peru. Obviously, the children are devastated since Uncle Monty was kind, considerate, and welcoming to them. So naturally, since he stands out as the best guardian these kids ever had, he’s screwed. Because being an intelligent and caring adult in Snicketland, he has to die. But the Baudelaires don’t have much time to mourn for him since Stephano (Count Olaf) plans to take the kids on the run to Peru where the authorities can’t easily trace them. Too bad he doesn’t know the story of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. In addition, he’s trying to get the kids in the “damn jeep” and threatening to use his knife if they don’t do what he says.

In this moment, I have Count Olaf singing my parody of “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” by the Temptations. It’s an upbeat Motown standard you can dance to. But the original lyrics feature its narrator pleading for a second chance with his departed lover. In this version, I have the count threatening these kids with a knife and telling them to get in the damn jeep. Thankfully, Mr. Poe will be there to unintentionally stop him via an auto collision. So it turns out he can be helpful after all, but only by accident like in a car crash. Yet, I do understand it’s kind of jarring to have Count Olaf singing Motown but he’s not exactly concerned with the Baudelaires’ grief right now.

“Ain’t Too Proud to Stab”

Sung by Count Olaf (as Stephano)

I know you wanna leave me
But I refuse to let you go
If I have to use, sharp knife that’s on me
I don’t mind ‘cause I can’t afford to let you flee

Ain’t too proud to stab and you know it
Please don’t leave me, kids (don’t you go)
Now get in the damn jeep, children, children
Please don’t leave me, kids (don’t you go)

You’re supposed to be young geniuses
Yet, I always need to clearly explain
But if I have use this to keep you
I don’t mind puttin’ you into a world of pain

Ain’t too proud to stab and you know it
Please don’t leave me, kids (don’t you go)
Now get in the damn jeep, children, children
Please don’t leave me, kids (don’t you go)

Now this knife I have with me is incredibly sharp
And very eager to tear you apart
If you don’t do what I say, watch my hand
‘Cause I’m gonna hurt you any way I can

Ain’t too proud to stab and you know it
Please don’t leave me, kids (don’t you go)
Now get in the damn jeep, children, children
Please don’t leave me, kids (don’t you go), ooh hoo

Now we’ve got to catch the next ship out of here
The Prospero won’t wait much more
I’m not ashamed to yell and threaten you, children
If scaring keeps you from running out that door

Ain’t too proud to stab and you know it
Please don’t leave me, kids (don’t you go)
Now get in the damn jeep, children, children
Please don’t leave me, kids (don’t you go)
Children, damn ingrates (please don’t go)