Lucky, Monty has his own suspicions about Stephano. He sees that his new assistant is lousy at herpetology that he might be an impostor. However, while the Baudelaires know that Stephano is Count Olaf, he thinks he’s a spy for the Herpetological Society sent to steal information on the Incredibly Deadly Viper and claim it as his own. Though Monty is right to know that his assistant is up to no good, he’s completely got the wrong end of the stick. When Klaus finally admits that Stephano is Count Olaf, Monty thinks the kid speaking in metaphor. No need to worry, Monty rips up Stephano’s ticket to keep him from coming. So he’ll stay behind to look after the specimens. Later, Stephano tries to kill Monty by throwing Klaus’s large brass reading lamp of his head. Too bad Klaus gets the blame since Monty assumed the lamp was left dangling from the window. Since he pointed out that lamps don’t jump out of windows by themselves. Still, by this time, the Baudelaires believe they’ve got him with Klaus bragging about Monty ripping up his ticket when he should just shut up. Sure he’s a 12-year-old boy. But his comments might give Count Olaf ideas. Since he tells the kids that accidents always happen and that they may lead to changes in plans. He’s up to something and they’re in trouble now.

I think a good song for Klaus here would be a variation of “Mama Told Me (Not to Come)” which was originally recorded by Eric Burdon and The Animals but its best know version is by Three Dog Night. Interestingly, it was written by Randy Newman back in 1966. Yes, that Randy Newman. Anyway, the original version revolves around the Los Angeles music scene of the late 1960s. Its central character is a straight-laced young man recounting his first “wild” party in the big city. He is shocked and appalled by all the cigarette-smoking, whiskey-drinking, and loud music, recalling his “mama told [him] not to come.” In this version, I have Klaus shooting his big mouth off at Count Olaf recounting the Baudelaires’ conversation with Uncle Monty who won’t be alive for long. Because Lemony Snicket warned us before multiple times.

“Monty Told You (Not to Come)”

Sung by Klaus Baudelaire

Uncle Monty quite suspicious since
You’re a creepy guy
So to get it off his chest he had us converse outside
Funny, he thinks you’re a Herpetological spy
To steal his harmless snake under his very eyes

Monty told you not to come
Monty told you not to come
“He ain’t a man you can trust, no”

When I finally told Monty about you truly are
He thought that I was just being sort of metaphorical
Though he took out and ripped your Prospero ticket to Peru
So during our vacation, sucker, you’ll be keeping zoo

Monty told you not to come
Monty told you not to come
“He ain’t a man you can trust, son”
“He ain’t a man you can trust, son”

Seems you overheard since you dropped my reading lamp
Yet, you’re blaming me for the incident, you filthy scamp
While accidents happen and plans can always change
But at least there’s no way you’re going on this train

Monty told you not to come
Monty told you not to come
He said, “He ain’t a man you can trust, son”
“He ain’t a man you can trust, no”

“He ain’t a man you can trust, no”
“He ain’t a man you can trust, son”
“He ain’t a man you can trust, no”
“He ain’t a man you can trust, son”

“He ain’t a man you can trust, no”
“He ain’t a man you can trust, son”
“He ain’t a man you can trust, no”
“He ain’t a man you can trust, son”