Because Captain America is a patriotic superhero. Also, a lot of his merchandise has to resemble his trademark shield.

I’ve shown this one before on a Christmas toy post back in 2013. Still, it bears another mention since he has a large erect gun in his crotch. And it doesn’t help when he’s partway through in transforming into a gun either.

Uh, I think any Captain America fan can do without these. Seriously, Cap no longer has wings on his helmet. Besides, who do you think you are trying to get away with this? Hermes?

From I-Mockery: “Few things on this earth bring the word “abomination” to my mind, but I’ll be damned if these Spider-Man “Spi-Dogs” don’t do just that. It’s bad enough when pet owners dress up their animals in ridiculous costumes to make them look more human, but this is really just going too far. So what do robotic dogs who dance to iPod music have to do with Spider-Man? What, you mean you don’t know? Yeah well… neither do I. Gotta love it when completely random companies try to cash in on a big movie even though they clearly have no products that could be logically tied in with it.”

Okay, I admit, Vision is a pretty cool superhero. But this hat? Seriously, this just seems like a tacky eyesore.

And I thought the Batman Mr. Potato Heads were ridiculous. According to I-Mockery: “‘When a radioactive spider bit Peter Parker Potato, he became Spider Spud. With eyes for trouble, this web slinger uses his starch-strength to mash out evil and save the day.’ You really can’t go wrong with a potato that has a back-story like that. I also can’t deny my desire to store real potatoes in that removable Spidey suit too.”

From I-Mockery: “At first glance you might be thinking, “What the hell? Since when does Spider-Man use a gun?” Well, my friend, that’s no ordinary gun… it’s a bug vacuum. It’s a little-known fact that, in his spare time, Spider-Man is a practicing entomologist. Coming in both Spidey and Venom patterns, you can use these vacuums to suck up any bugs you can find. I suppose it’s better than taking the chance of being bit by one, but isn’t that part of the excitement of catching bugs when you’re a kid? Defying death ‘n all? Besides, getting bit by a bug isn’t always a bad thing. Look what it did for Peter Parker!”

And it’s all part of this complete patriotic super breakfast. Seriously, this just seems like a novelty thing at the least.

Well, Spidey, didn’t know a man like you can be so, well, well-endowed so to speak. Well, let’s just say that Mary Jane must be a very lucky woman if you ask me. Oh, shit.

From I-Mockery: “What better way for aspiring young comic book artists to learn how to draw Spider-Man than with their own homemade spidey-shaped crayons? Ok, so maybe sticking with more traditionally-shaped writing tools is the best way to go, but there’s no denying the fun of seeing the details of Spider-Man’s face slowly getting rubbed out just so you can write “Kick Me” on a sheet of paper.”

I don’t know about guys reading this. But do you really want to smell like an Avenger? I mean you might like the Hulk. But that doesn’t mean you want to smell like him.

From I-Mockery: “… I’m not really sure what Spider-Man and football have in common unless you compare Spidey getting his power from a spider bite to a football player getting his power from ‘roids. Anyway, NERF is claiming that with the special web-laced grip patterns, you’ll never drop this football even if it’s raining out. After all, why actually practice a sport to get better at it when you can have technology make you look way better than you’ll ever truly be. And hey, since it’s a NERF ball you can go all out during the big game without any fear of being hurt just like a real superhero! “

Well, the phone is fake. But according to Amazon, “Little superheroes will love carrying around this pretend-play phone so they’re at the beck and call of the next emergency in Gotham.” Wait a second, Gotham? Seriously, Amazon, that’s Batman’s territory. Spider Man usually stays out of that place since it’s in the DCU.

From I-Mockery: “In all honestly, I can’t think of a better way to distance yourself from the opposite sex by walking around with this thing on. Of course, you could add in some Spidey Arm Floaties or Spidey Flippers for added effect just to ensure that not a single person on this planet will ever speak to you. Either way, enjoy your new life as a pool recluse.”

From I-Mockery: “Ignoring the fact that Spider-Man has no need for vehicular transportation when he can get around the city via web-slinging: Can somebody please explain to me how the hell adding mechanical spider legs to the base of a motorcycle is going to make it go faster or improve it in any way whatsoever? Hmm, you know what? Don’t even bother trying.”

From I-Mockery: “There are some things that Spider-Man was NEVER meant to do… singing and dancing would have to be near the top of that list. Yet here he is doing just that with the Itsy Bitsy Spider-Man interactive plush doll. Having him actually dance to the Itsy Bitsy Spider song has got to be the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to him. And that’s saying a lot consider we’re talking about Peter Parker here.”

Okay, Tony Stark may wear an Iron Man suit to fight crime. And he may have the balls to publicly admit he’s Iron Man. However, I’m not sure he’d have the guts to wear such links at a formal party.

Sure it may not be like proposing to your girlfriend with a Batman engagement ring. However, in case you’re Tony Stark and head Stark Industries, you shouldn’t even go for it. Seriously, you might fantasize about doing this. But you should probably go with a real ring instead even if it’s more expensive.

I don’t know about you. But Doctor Oc seems rather tangled up in his mechanical appendages at the moment. Not sure what to make of that.

Then again, I suppose a Spider Man chia head would be worse. But I’m not sure if a plant covered wall is great for Spidey’s climbing abilities.

Sure coasters are useful since they protect furniture. But light up ones? I think these might be a bit expensive for my tastes.

Note that in the next Captain America movie, you’d want to keep these guys as far away from each other as possible. Seriously, bring up Bucky and they will not get on.

Now you can finally take a stab in Deadpool’s head after he’s taken a few blows. For the love of God, this is so messed up. Also are those brains?

Spider Man has a pimp cup? Seriously, Marvel? What the hell were you thinking?

And I thought the toy Spidey cell phone was ridiculous. This one has you dial on Spider Man’s body. Wonder how he’d react when you push his buttons.

Okay, he’s not a well known character of X-Men and his legs are in a tank. And when you detach it from him, he has no legs. Also, how does he pee?

From Cracked: “You may remember the Blob from the Wolverine movie or your local Walmart. His mutant power is morbid obesity. This is the “realistic” variant for the Blob action figure, because the standard one didn’t have enough chins. It even has chins all over its legs, and not one but two sets of moobs.”

From Cracked: “Wolfsbane looks like she’s murdered and scalped multiple Don Kings and attached the scalps to her body in ritualistic fashion. If the Internet hasn’t yet produced an erotic fan fiction story starring her and Grizzlor from He-Man, we’re betting it will within 15 minutes of this article being published.”

From Cracked: “Banshee is a relatively well-known character with a super-powered scream … which they decided to represent here by jamming a whistle into his chest. You blow (into) him. They could have given him a sound chip or something, but no, clearly this was the more dignified solution.”

From Cracked: “Well-known superheroes can make disappointing action figures, too, as Marvel Toys has worked hard to prove for the past 20 years. In this case, Dr. Strange is dead and you have bought his ghost. He seems to be saying “WooooOOOooo I cost you $9.99! BOO!” This was actually a recolored variant of an earlier Dr. Strange figure that was supposed to represent his “astral form” or some bullshit.”

So she’s supposed to be the Invisible Woman. So is she still invisible if her joints are showing? That’s a trick question.

From Cracked: “And then, there are the figures that someone only buys for a child if they want to give them emotional baggage. For example, check out this figure of Ghost Rider in the midst of his transformation (alternatively packaged as “person burning alive”).”

Cracked: “J. Jonah Jameson’s deep hatred of Spider-Man seems somewhat less threatening when he’s wearing his dad’s suit. Also, we couldn’t help noticing that his pants appear to be removable. He has a thong under there, doesn’t he?”

Okay, Marvel Toys seems to take Peter Parker’s loving aunt who’s basically his only family at the moment and turned her into a creature of your nightmares. That’s disturbing.

So this plush toy allows you to split Spider Man open in order to see his insides. Sounds very creepy. But do you think any kid would want to see that? No.

It’s just like sitting on Spider Man’s lap. Except that you’ll have to pay a shitload of money for it.

Seriously, a pair of Avengers panties? I bet this was Tony Stark’s idea. After all, he’s the wise ass of the group.

Because nothing makes a kid excited for breakfast than having a burned spider on their toast. Not recommended for those who are afraid of spiders.

Yes, because every time Peter Parker saves the day, he just has to celebrate it with friends in a drinking contest. Oh, wait a minute, how many of Peter’s friends know he’s Spider Man?

You can also set up the hand however you like. How much data does this thing store?

Not sure if I’d put Spider Man and golf together. However, I think just has a partial body of him followed by a sock tube.

It’s the kind of candy with a superhero head you give your kid just before their first rave. Available in Spider Man, Hulk, Iron Man, and Captain America.

Are you the kind of Spider Man fan who constantly fantasizes butchering the famous webslinger and taking out his internal organs? If so, then this is the game for you, you sick bastard.

Well, at least the Thor one is fitting because Absolut is a Swedish Brand. However, we should note that Iron Man is a boozer, Spider Man spends considerable time in movies as a teenager, and let’s just say the Hulk should abstain.

Not sure how many people liked Ant-Man. However, I don’t know anyone who likes ants or has an ant farm.

This is from an Asian company since I see mostly Asians eating this stuff. Still, not sure if it would make Thor shout, “Another!”

Sure it looks really cool. But most likely you will never have this in your study because it’s probably incredibly expensive. Dream on.

This is the cheap drugstore version of the kind of cologne scents that make you smell like a superhero. Not sure if it’s as idiotic.

From Media Dump: “What’s better than swimming underwater with the ability to see? If your answer is doing so in the image of the Hulk just in case you need to terrify approaching sea monsters, the Marvel must be reading your mind.”

From Movieline: “The spartan surface hides a number of compartment, hidden speakers and an iPod dock. The overall appearance calls to mind a possible scene where the members of the team turn to Thor’s Nordic experience to help them decipher the arcane instructions to an IKEA design.”

However, there’s a small catch to this. Like you have to inflate the toy by blowing through his crotch. Not sure if this placement wasn’t intentional.

From Movieline: “It uses the power of magnets to — uh, well, help you out. Plus it is versatile: “Perfect both for Avengers thwarting arch enemies at the top of their game, or for everyday casual/business use.” The bling’s benefits sound impressive: They are axially magnetized in their trademarked “alternating north-south polarity orientation” (ANSPO) — which basically means the manufacturer took one of the magnets and flipped it over.” From Japan, by the way.

From Movieline: “You, too, can feel a kinship with supernaturally gifted heroes by eating machine-stripped, processed and mechanically extruded ham loaf. Europe also has realized the cold-cut windfall to be had, with the Italian company Montana Foods following suit. Heroic baloney in Bologna — who’d have guessed?”

From the Robot’s Voice: ” BattleBrigade.jpg ?You have to give the Biz credit for trying to get out comic-accurate variations on Wolverine, even if they had to dress them up as hideous, kid-friendly monstrosities. This figure is actually a pretty decent version of Patch, Wolvie’s alter ego while in Madripoor, but he’s weighed down by a massive pair of shoulder pads, with robotic knives for machine-powered stabbing. Do not f@*& with Wolverine Patch.”

For some reason I find it rather appropriate. However, this doesn’t mean Bruce Banner is suited for an office environment. Because he isn’t.

Another rather appropriate item. However, unless you’re in elementary school, would you want to be seen with this on? Probably not.

Despite having Falcon as a sidekick, Captain America doesn’t seem very comfortable with black people. That is, according to the packaging of this product.

Something seems to be missing from this set. Oh, wait his shield. Shouldn’t his trademark shield be in this. What’s Captain America without it.

Uh, do these designers understand that a guy’s crotch is not a great place to put a light switch? Seriously, how many times have I seen this in merchandise?

Yes, this is Avengers tape. Why would anyone want to use this, I have no idea.

The Robot’s Voice calls this one “Disco Logan” due to his pose. Not sure when Wolverine learned to boogie during the late 1970s. But I can guess he was probably kicked out of a few clubs for obvious reasons.

Well, at least this set includes Black Widow. Still, while adorable, not sure if these are appropriate.

How would you like to have these in your wall? Kind of makes it seem like the Avengers did some damage.

Hmmm…not sure if you should be wearing cufflinks depicting such an evil organization. And I thought the Iron Man ones were ridiculous.

Sure it’s from Asia. But I think putting Iron Man’s face on something that doesn’t remind me of poor struggling young adults would be more appropriate.

Iron Man iron, get it? May not be great against villains. But it will sure help out with wrinkles.

Now you can navigate the computer screen with Iron Man’s disembodied face. Okay, this is kind of disturbing.

What the hell? By the color scheme you’d think that this was one of those knock of action figures from Mexico. But no, it’s not.

From The Robot’s Voice: “Apparently, in the future, Wolverine will dress like a giant, muscular bat, put on a scary mask and fly through the night on green, feathery wings to terrify evil-doers. So… Future Wolverine is Batman?”

From The Robot’s Voice: “I’m not sure exactly what function this “armor” serves. Do the big, hairy boots protect against the cold? Does the fright mask scare off Morlocks? Do the giant grey fingers protect Woverine’s claws against tarnishing? Whatever the reason, the fully “armored” Wolverine looks more like a member of Gwar then any toy I’ve ever seen — which must have something to do with the fact that the head sculpt underneath looks a lot like Glenn Danzig.”

From the Robot’s Voice: “Anti-Magnetism Armor actually seems like something Wolverine could use, since his metal bones constantly make him an easy target for Magneto. Why he also needs a giant grabby claw, I have no idea. Apparently his heavy armor also prevents him from reaching things on high shelves?”

Doesn’t seem to make for a convincing Wolverine. Then again, this one probably has Mystique paired with a conventional Wolverine action figure.

Well, this one is between heroes and villains. However, not sure which positions these pieces play.

Not sure if having a raccoon on your back is a good idea. Yes, they’re cute, but this is kind of ridiculous.

Think of this as X-Men meets the Flinstones. From The Robot’s Voice: “No nose. Bone claws. Bad haircut. Droopy sideburns. Tattered costume. Skull shoulderpads. Massive shoulders. Tiny waist. Ugly dinosaur accessory. How in the hell does a toy this horrible get made?”

Seems like this is collection of very expensive razors that you wouldn’t find in a drugstore. Seriously, how many times will a guy use these before they have to replace the blade?

How is this action figure a shape shifter? He doesn’t seem to transform into anything except perhaps Wolverine doing yoga.

Not sure if I’d want a tingling shirt like this. This kind of gimmick might get pretty old after awhile if you ask me.

Another toy with Spider Man using unnecessary vehicle transportation. Seriously, Spider Man can get around with his web slinger.

While we may consider wearing sunglasses with coolness, I don’t see it in this case. Rather I think these shades make you look idiotic.

Seems like Spider Man is riding his web like a horse in this one. Then again, it’s probably his usual pose.

You see a lot of these. Some come with different materials like twine, rubberized webs, and water. There’s even a silly string version that could stain fabrics.

Yes, this is a Spider Man toilet seat. It’s ridiculous like anything. But I had to include it on this post.

Yes, they actually had this from the 1970s. Like how Peter Parker is viewing himself in Spidey’s reflection.

Because there’s nothing that smells fresher than a guy being bitten by a radioactive spider. Or a guy who spent some time in a full body spandex suit on a hot day.

Wonder if you can play “Iron Man” by Black Sabbath on there. Then again, that’s song isn’t really about the Marvel superhero.

Man, sure looks scary. But not killer Nazi scary. More like clown scary. Also seems pretty lame.

So what the hell does Spider Man have to do with nail polish? Because I think it’s pretty ridiculous. It’s a superhero franchise, not a Sex and the City sequel.

It’s the kind of literature you read while you’re taking a shit before you wipe your ass with it. And yes, they actually had this.

So why does Spider Man need his own train. It’s not like he’s Spider Hobo on the side. Yet, given Peter Parker’s money problems, I wouldn’t be surprised.

It’s special purpose is making a cameo in a key Marvel superhero battle scene. Nothing else.

Why dost Thor’s alarm clock is shapeth like a piece of athletic gear? Should thy think it be that of a hammer? It dost seem more appropriate.

And they cometh with things. Verily, they seem more like Steampunk gear than swim gear.

The Captain America was crazy enough. But at least it was a circle. Not sure if this tops that.

Includes Spider Man, Iron Man, Captain America, and the Hulk. And boy, do these guys seem like they’re having fun. And they kind of look stupid.

Okay, this is utterly disgusting. Seriously, why the hell did they think it was a good idea?

I’m sure the bugs will find it paradise with these cartoony skyscrapers. Then again, I don’t think they care.

From the Robot’s Voice: “Man, I don’t remember the storyline where Wolverine turned into a werewolf, but if it was anything like Captain America’s “Capwolf” Saga, then it must have been a humdinger. I’ve also heard good things about the Werewolf by Night storyline where he gets bitten by a mystical wolverine, turning him into the ferocious Wolverine Werewolf.”

Yes, Thor may be the god of thunder in Norse Myhology. But does that mean hammers make great earrings?

Really, how is a toilet paper cover essential? Seriously, why get these whether or not they have Spider Man’s face on them?