Help Not Wanted: Job Listings You Might Not Want to Apply

Posted by historymaniacmegan on May 4, 2015

As a chronically unemployed blogger, I tend to see myself doomed to a lifetime of seeking and applying for jobs that I really wouldn’t have if it weren’t for the money. Of course, I’ve just set up a better domain name and applied for advertising I’ll see how that goes (even though I still had to pay for the domain and mapping). But even when I’m good to go, I may not be completely liberated from having to search for a job (unless I try getting my book published again). But I have managed to improve traffic in recent months. Let’s just say when it comes to the job market, having is better than wanting. Now most of the jobs I’ve had were sporadic with an expiration date and don’t last long. But at least it’s something. However, most of the entry-level office jobs I actually want come with much more stipulations such as work experience which really pisses me off. Seriously, I have skills and experience but it’s just that I don’t get paid for it at least currently. Nevertheless, there are plenty of want ads out there that seem like they’re written by businesses and people who really don’t have any clue. Whether they be newspaper classifieds, help wanted signs, or online Craigslist ads. I once found a writing want ad with so many typos and grammar mistakes that it was ridiculous. So without further adieu, here are some job listings that I advise even the most desperate job seekers to avoid. Some of these may not be safe for work but must be posted anyway since they’re just too crazy to ignore.

1. Litterbox Cleaner: Must work for pancakes.

Cleaning litter boxes for a nominal fee like $7.25 an hour would seem reasonable. Cleaning litter boxes for pancakes is just plain crazy. Seriously, working for pancakes? I’m not that desperate.

2. Now hiring someone to dress up as a velociraptor.

If this job was advertised in the Pittsburgh area instead of Vancouver, I’d gladly apply. However, I don’t really have much experience wearing costumes but I’ll happily go for training. Seriously, $15/hr is a good deal.

3. Wanted: Female model for future iconic photo shoot. Don’t expect compensation other than a bag lunch and SPF 30.

Okay, this ad was probably written by some amateur male photographer (or student) who thinks too highly of himself. Seriously, the ad is simply hysterical to read that I’d just want to see the result.

4. Wanted: Hole digger for a guy who’s planning a homicide while his wife’s out of town.

Reading this ad, it’s obvious this guy is secretly planning to kill somebody on the first week of October. From grave dimensions to the insistence that it must be dug under the cover of night. Seriously, if you an ad like this, answering it will get you charged with aiding and abetting.

5. Wanted: Babysitter but for druggie couple. Unlikeable losers with no self-esteem and social skills preferred.

Okay, maybe spending Saturday night with some whiny little kids isn't such a bad gig after all. Seriously, this couple is looking for an enabler who won't expect much in return. What they really need is an intervention.

Okay, maybe spending Saturday night with some whiny little kids isn’t such a bad gig after all. At least they’re cute, fun to play with, and innocent enough not to know better. Seriously, this couple is looking for an enabler who won’t expect much in return. What they really need is an intervention.

6. Hiring girl for $50 to determine which is the bigger dick.

Now a job posting for penis sizing. That's a new one. Still, while it may lead a girl to look at other guys' dicks, at least it won't get them charged with a crime.

Now a job posting for penis sizing. That’s a new one. Still, while it may lead a girl to look at other guys’ dicks, at least it won’t get her charged with a crime.

7. Wanted: Part time personal assistant for naturist couple.

You know your job interview is going to be awkward when the people responsible want ad have to explain their reasons for adopting a questionable lifestyle such as nudism.

You know your job interview is going to be awkward when the people responsible want ad have to explain their reasons for adopting a lifestyle that would make certain people uncomfortable. But a part time job that pays $20-25/hour isn’t that bad.

8. Wanted: 2 hot twin assassins to serve as bodyguards for deranged rich guy. People with glasses need not apply. Interview conducted in undisclosed location.

You’d expect to find an ad like this in an action movie since billionaires tend to be prime targets in those all the time. However, this ad is just so ridiculous that you’d swear this guy doesn’t exist.

9. Gay male computer geek in Santa Fe wanted to help middle aged gay guy meet other men online.

As far as want ads or personal ads go, I’m not sure whether this one is either one or the other. Seriously, he seems like he kind of wants a companion than tech tips.

10. Actress wanted to flirt with boyfriend. I wonder what can go wrong with that.

Seems like this woman wants to hire an actress to flirt with her fiance because she really doesn’t trust him around other women. Seriously, if I saw an ad like this on Craigslist, I’d wonder about this woman’s relationship.

11. Wanted: Flexible, intelligent, and friendly workaholic for all shifts. No vacation or sick leave.

Well, with a post like this, you’d think this advertised just about anything from fast food to retail. Still, I have to admire the employer’s brutal honesty here but I wonder if they need to lower their standards a bit.

12. Wanted: Lawn care worker. Hula hoop required.

Why you’d need a hula hoop for lawn care, I have no idea. Seriously, I have yet to see what kind of lawn tasks a hula hoop can accomplish. These are the kind of things YouTube can come in handy for.

13. Babysitters somehow seem highly sought after whether it be for little kids, druggies, or comatose grandmas.

Now a hyperactive child for $10 is one thing. But this guy seems to want a babysitter for his grandma because he wants to change her will. Of course, the poster declined in a very passionate fashion.

14. Wanted: Expendable minions for world domination attempt. Must work 24-7 for little or no pay. No weirdos, please.

I’m sure this is a joke since no sane person would want to work for a Fascist psychpath boss 24/7 for little or no pay. Then again, noting how many henchmen get virtually no respect in fiction, this explains a lot.

15. Part time saleslady wanted who won’t be a bitch and can take sexual harassment.

Okay, with an ad like this, it’s clear that the employer is a real asshole who has absolutely no respect for women. Seriously, if you’re a woman and you see job notice like this, just look away.

16. Help Wanted: Hipsters, globetrotters, and artist types need not apply.

Let’s just say when it comes to employees Vinnie’s Pizza has a pretty low view for people in bands, people with art gallery openings, and people wanting to go to Europe.

17. Now hiring accountant. Must go through ASAP course.

Seems like this ad has a few errors in it and I’m not sure that an ASAP course even exists. Also, it doesn’t display any contact information whatsoever.

18. Hiring computer engineers to solve difficult problem. Must solve for number here.

This company must really be desperate for computer engineers since they leave the numbers for x and y for you. Also, I can actually guess the number is 044-876-8000 with some calculation. Seriously, why can’t they just have applicants solve for x and y?

19. Novelist seeking mentally ill people to interview for new book. Must be successful and interesting.

Let’s just say that this person would save far more time and money if they’d just check out the biography section of their local library or Wikipedia. Seriously, there are a ton of celebrities and historical figures out there who’d fit this ad’s description perfectly. May I recommend Andrew Jackson.

20. Night and weekend cab drivers wanted. Former getaway drivers preferred.

For the former mob getaway driver who’s now on witness protection, this will be the perfect job for you. Then again, I’m not sure if getaway drivers have good driving skills.

21. Become a school bus driver. Have evenings and weekends off, no take home work, and $16.25/hr doing what most parents do for free.

As funny as these ads are, they’re very effective. These would make anyone want to drive a school bus. Then again, I’m not sure $16.25/hr is worth dealing with complete brats.

22. Experienced bartenders who can understand complete drunken gibberish wanted.

Deciphered, this says, “Ah, fine, I’ll have one more before I go home.” Of course, when someone says this in the correct pronunciation, they’re completely drunk and shouldn’t be served.

23. Legitimate Job Wanted: Ex-pot smuggler seeks alternative line of work after jail sentence.

Aside from from the obvious criminal record, and prison sentence, this guy really seems to emphasize his qualifications. Of course, he should have no trouble finding work in Washington State or Colorado.

24. Bodyguard wanted, must be great boyfriend material.

Now I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure if this woman is looking for a bodyguard or a boyfriend. And it seems like her perfect man is an action hero.

25. Now firing, apply within.

This is a great sign to show how even the smallest typo can change a whole meaning. Yeah, I suggest they fix the mistake and replace the sign. Because I’m sure nobody would want to work for them with that.

26. Smiling faces wanted for drug testing.

Yes, they want smiling faces but if you show up too happy, they may think you’re high. Still, if this is for some minimum wage service job, I suppose happy drug free people will be hard to come by.

27. Workers wanted, preferably female for kitchen jobs.

So I suppose this is a sexist workplace. I’m sure men can do kitchen work just as well as women. I’ll take a pass on that.

28. Help wanted to put out house fire ASAP.

For one, if your house is burning, why can’t you just call 911 for the fucking fire department for God’s sake? Any normal person would do the same thing. Also, if your house caught fire an hour ago, I’m sure there will be nothing left. Seriously, this guy’s an idiot.

29. Wanted: Some fucking loser stoner who knows anything about Apple products.

Man, this person really seems to swear a lot on Craigslist. Still, I wouldn’t want to work for this jerk $200/hr or not. Also, for a lawyer spending $.95 on iTunes songs is nothing. So why complain about it?

30. Now hiring for a male escort service?

I don’t know about you but this sign gives the phrase, “work hard” a whole new meaning. And I’m sure they need to change, “people” to “men” particularly middle aged men with erectile dysfunction.

31. Taxidermy place needs deer skinner for hunting season.

Yeah, seems like deer hunters need not visit this taxidermy place, at least until they find a new skinner. Wonder how they lost the last guy.

32. Help Wanted: Polish need not apply.

I wonder what this employer has against Polish people. I can’t understand why Jack Krasozowski should be turned down due to his ethnic heritage.

33. Young girls wanted for pickling and bottling? What the hell?

I suppose either this person is a cannibal with a preference for pickled girls or really had no idea how people would read it. Either way, I’m not sure if I want to work there.

34. Help Wanted: Sirius persons only apply within

So if you’re not Harry Potter’s fugitive godfather who can transform into a shaggy black dog, you probably shouldn’t apply. As to why anyone would want to hire Sirius, I have no idea.

35. Now hiring someone who has a clue.

On one hand, you might think getting a job there is easy. On the other hand, if an employer wants to hire someone with a clue, it might mean this might not be a great place to work.

36. Work at Murder Burger. Here’s a flyer of our restaurant policy.

Now while working at a fast food joint may be one of the most soul sucking and thankless jobs ever, at least this want ad is honest about their policy. Still, it’s pretty funny. Love what they say about politicians.

37. Wanted: Pretty and ugly exotic dancers for titty bar.

You have to admit, at least this has less workplace discrimination than Hooters, in regards to their hiring practices. Still, wouldn’t want to work there.

38. Looking for female deli staff. Former gymnasts and contortionists preferred.

I’m sure flexibility has to do with schedule. But I’m not sure if people would get the idea, especially if they want women.

39. Wanted: Pizza cook. Must have masters in S. Y. M.

It actually means “shutting your mouth.” Still, they also want no crybabies and people able to read a schedule.

40. McDonalds: Now hiring losers at $6 an hour.

I can see why people working at McDonalds want a $15 wage. However, even if they did pay $15/hr, I’d still not want to work there. Or eat there for their food is disgusting.

41. Now hiring truck drivers and they’re really needed.

Yes, seems like they really need truck drivers there from how this trailer truck is turned over. Of course, when it comes to truck drivers, they’re really hard to fire.

42. Help Wanted: Must dominate the English language.

I’m not sure “dominate” is the right word here. Seriously, this person doesn’t seem to have as much understanding of the English language as he or she thinks.

43. Want a job opportunity in broadcasting? Work as a janitor.

I’m sure when it comes to broadcasting, I don’t think maintenance work comes to mind. Seriously, who wants to get into broadcasting expecting to dust, clean, sanitize, polish, spot wash, empty trash, gather recyclables, and replace light bulbs?

44. Wanted: Office Assistant/Receptionist. Must be experienced in voicemail, Microsoft Office, and switchboard operating?

Guess they aren’t looking for anyone under 80 in this line of work. Seriously, who the hell would have experience in operating a switchboard which is just so early 20th century?

45. Work at our coffee shop for your boyfriend will ask you for gas money eventually.

This employer seems to assume that only a certain type of woman will want to work for them. As to why some boyfriends would ask their girlfriends for gas money, I have no idea nor would I want to know.

46. Dwarf wanted to impersonate Oompa Loompa for sorority event.

Seems like this sorority party’s theme is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I’d sure hate to read the Craigslist ads calling for naughty kids to torture.

47. Waiters and Waitresses Wanted for swingers party, but as for gender composition I can’t be sure.

The heading says 2 waiters and 2 waitresses. But reading the description they seem to ask for either 3 waitresses and 1 waiter or 3 waiters and 1 waitress. Seems like this couple can’t make up their mind.

48. Wanted: Personal Texting Assistant.

For one, how is it possible for someone to receive 40-50 texts an hour. Second, I’m sure that this person needs to respond to texts less often or not respond to all their texts.

49. Now hiring pubic hair trimmers?

For one, how many people have their pubic hair trimmed? Secondly, how in the hell are there people who make a living trimming pubic hair? Third, how is pubic hair trimming a business?

50. Wanted: Male talent for shooting, er-I mean photo shooting with kitchen products.

I know this ad is seeking male talent for an ad photo shoot. Of course, when you have the words, “shooting in the back,” in your job posting, people tend to get the wrong idea.

51. Staff wanted, but don’t think we don’t have standards because we do.

Of course, if you’re under 18, smelly, irresponsible, whiny, dishonest, rude, an alien, and with a short attention span and no common sense, this job isn’t for you. Still, at least they’re honest.

52. Piano player wanted, must be able to open clams.

Had no idea that opening clams was an essential skill to being an adept piano player. Seriously, what does clam opening have to do with piano playing anyway? It’s not, “Break us some clams, you’re the piano man/ Break us some clams tonight/Well, we’re all in the mood for some chowder/And you got us feeling alright….”

53. Hiring weekend cashier, must not look like Skeletor.

Being born in the 1990s, I’m sure that people around my age have no idea of He-Man or who Skeletor was. I mean those cartoons are from the 1980s.

54. Seems like this place is hiring for its Going Out of Business Sale.

Yeah, because I’m not sure how else would any place be hiring new people during a store closing. Maybe they’re just betting on people desperate for work at this point.

55. Surgeon Wanted: No experience necessary. Must have own tools.

Now this would be a rather reasonable job posting….for a pirate ship in the 17th century. Seriously, it was all about hacking limbs and knowing their way around with a saw.

56. Join 10x Marketing or die.

Now I know that Darth Vader is a cultural icon. But still, this is a guy is a boss from hell known to force choke his employees, blow up his daughter’s planet, and cut off his son’s hand. Seriously, would you want a guy like that on a recruitment poster?

57. Tired of working $9.75/hr, here’s a job for $5-7/hr.

Yeah, I’ll take a pass on this. Seriously, compared to what they offer $9.75/hr isn’t that bad, especially if it pertains to a job paying $5-7/hr.

58. Start a career in a fast paced lucrative pudding business for adverse working conditions.

Benefits include long hard hours, very low pay, lots of heavy lifting, working for a ball busting asshole, no benefits, and no advancement. Must be a college grad.

59. Men wanted for hazardous journey. See Ernest Shackleton for details.

This is an ad for the Ernest Shackleton Antarctic expedition. Of course, despite the abysmal job description, he managed to get guys on board. Luckily they all survived the Endurance one.

60. Waitress Needed: Seeking 18 year old with 20 years experience.

Hmmm…18 year old with 20 years experience. Wonder how that’s possible. Wait a minute, it’s not. Yeah, somebody must’ve messed up with this ad big time.

61. Spanish disco seeks energetic young dancers for Friday nights. Must wear Star Wars costume.

I’m sure there will be plenty of Star Wars fans who will jump at this opportunity. Of course, many of them would really hat to work between midnight and 4:30 am.

62.Wanted: Hay chewer.

Seriously, you’d have to be incredibly nuts to apply for this job. I mean the job description is utterly disgusting.

63. Now hiring at Blockbuster. Please no dinosaurs in human costumes.

Dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years. So the odds of them being in a human costume is basically nil. Guess working at a video store can drive you nuts.

64. Exxon: Now hiring and by the way, we pay more than the NYPD.

If Exxon seems to pay more than the NYPD, then I’m sure that those guys in blue are basically working for peanuts. No wonder they commit so many atrocities on black people.

65. Help wanted: Many positions available.

I’m sure this is a joke. If not, then it’s probably some recruitment sign for a prostitution ring. Yes, dirty silhouette people you see on restrooms have sex lives, too.

66. Wanted: Babysitter for adopted daughter. Call 24601.

Again, this is a joke. Yeah, nice try Jean Valjean. Love the “May or may not be during an attempted revival of the French Revolution.”

67. Now hiring fried turkeys.

I’m sure this is a case of bad ad placement. Seriously, who’d want to hire fried turkeys. Still pretty funny.

68. Kitchen Helf Wated.

Seems like they need someone with good English skills. Either that, or someone who knows how to spell simple words like “help” or “wanted.”

69. Wanted: Female Snail Crusher.

Of course, they will be paid via vouchers from Amazon. Still, this is said to be posted by film students. As to why they want female snail crushers, I have no idea.

70. Good news! Spongebob is at Burger King hiring managers.

Of course, this is a result when advertising to customers gets in the way of advertising to job seekers. Yeah, might make people think “Hey, I didn’t know Spongebob worked at Burger King.”

71. Have what it takes to be an Air Force engineer? Call the number below.

Now this is the kind of complex math engineers would certainly deal with. Yes, this is certainly incomprehensible to people like me.

72. Interested in graphic design. Then be a freelance studio assistant.

Sure you’ll be working with an advertising agency. But you’ll basically be a gopher in this position, which is kind of like an internship.

73. Be a part time server at our establishment, but you must meet the following criteria.

Now there may be some relevant disqualifications here such as being a sociopath, mean, or crazy. But some of these are just so irrelevant to the job such as not liking Batman, for instance.

74. Wanted: Intern required for stuff.

Of course, this job has some fine qualifications. But the job title is very nonspecific other than it being from Glasgow. Yet, liking bourbon and a song on You Tube, how does that make anyone eligible?

75. People needed for Burger Bar. Politics students and P addicts need not apply.

Again, you have to love Murder Burger. Not sure what their food is like. But their ads seem like they’re written by complete curmudgeons and are hilarious.

76. Wanted: Clinical Scientists for our graveyard shits.

Should be “graveyard shifts.” A great example of how leaving one letter can just change the whole meaning of the ad.

77. In Islamabad, they have very high standards for potential employees in Chinese restaurants.

Now 5 years experience for a waiter or barman is one thing, but 5 star hotel? You got to be kidding me. Talk about impossible standards.

78. Wanted: Head Coach of Division I College Basketball.

Now you have to admit, that the University of Nevada Las Vegas is really desperate for a head basketball coach. Otherwise, they wouldn’t have advertised it on Craigslist.

79. Wanted: Photographer for adult film star party.

“Must be comfortable around little people,” well, that’s not really the thing in this case. Seriously, nudity and sex is one thing, but involving live animals in it, then it’s just disgusting.

80. Wanted: Two people to play Dungeons and Dragons with.

For one, since when can you send a resume telepathically? Second, I’m sure satisfaction of cosmic justice isn’t enough for someone to live on.

Place Your Bets for These Kentucky Derby Hats

Posted by historymaniacmegan on April 30, 2015

The first Saturday in May, all eyes are on Louisville’s Churchill Downs for the annual Kentucky Derby which is one of America’s oldest sporting events with the first taking place in 1875 with the first started by Meriwether Lewis Clark Jr. (whose grandfather was William Clark of the Lewis and Clark expedition). Seriously, it predates the Super Bowl. Now the Kentucky Derby is the first of the major Triple Crown horse races in which the horses and their riders must race along a 1 1/4 mile stretch. But unlike NASCAR, it’s just the one time and lasts for a few minutes. So no falling asleep at the TV screen there. However, the winner is usually the favorite for the other two Triple Crown races like the Preakness in Maryland and the Belmont States of New York as well as gets covered in roses. The horse winning these races wins the Triple Crown, which last happened in the 1970s. Now after the Kentucky Derby is a 2 week long Kentucky Derby festival. Still, there are a lot of traditions associated with the Kentucky Derby such as mint juleps, burgoo, gambling, and rich people. Yet, one particular tradition standing out is how many spectators tend to wear large ridiculous hats. So for your reading pleasure, here is an assortment of Kentucky Derby hats.

1. Now this guy loves flowers in his hat and seeing dollar signs.

Yes, wearing ridiculous Kentucky Derby hats no longer seems limited to women anymore. I mean this guy seems more suited for a different sporting event or night club.

2. Of course, you can’t kick off the Kentucky Derby Day without breakfast.

Not sure if this hat is from the Kentucky Derby. Yet, since it’s a hat with a heart attack inducing breakfast on it, I’ll put it on there. Fitting since obesity is a big problem in Kentucky anyway.

3. Why have a flamingo on your lawn, while you can have one in your hat?

Now this hat is outrageous enough without the flamingo. But with it, it’s just tacky. Even more ridiculous is that the flamingo also has a hat, too.

4. Ever get the feeling that some people have horses flying around their heads?

Now this guy has a cowboy hat on with roses and horses spinning at the top. Of course, there are only two seats on this small carousel if it is one.

5. Since Kentucky is the Bluegrass State, it’s only fitting to have wear a hat of blue cheese.

And what better hat of blue cheese than one that almost resembles Mt. Rushmore on a platter? Seriously, it kind of does if you think about it.

6. When it comes to top hats, the taller the better.

If it weren’t for the roses, you’d think this guy’s hat came straight out of a Dr. Seuss story. But it goes great with his outfit.

7. If one flamingo won’t make your hat look ridiculous, more will certainly do the charm.

Flower garden flamingos: Making Kentucky Derby hats and gardens tackier since someone thought that they’d make a great decoration for their landscaping.

8. Roses, beads, and pins will certainly make this woman a spectacle at the derby.

Too bad that the Amazing Karnak was planning on wearing the same thing. Of course, most people don’t know who the Amazing Karnak is since he’s one of Johnny Carson’s characters. Yeah, hasn’t been around since the 1990s.

9. Make sure the roses on your hat have little horseman on them.

Now I don’t know what to make of that. Because little horsemen simply don’t jump out of roses as far as I know. Except maybe in acid trips or something.

10. In the Kentucky Derby, your hat can never have enough flowers or feathers.

Now this seems like a fancy winter hat at this angle. But it’s basically made for spring. Still, it’s as utterly tacky as you’d expect Lady Gaga to wear it at an awards ceremony.

11. Since spring is the season of flowers, why not spring into the Derby in pink?

“Oh, shit. Seems like I forgot to put on some peacock feathers on this to make it seem more outrageous. Now Cindy’s out there topped with a showgirl’s hat from Las Vegas.”

12. When it comes to derby hats, you can use almost anything, even tablecloths.

Now Now this seems like she's traveling in an exotic land, perhaps during the late 1800s. Then again, it does look like a creative arrangement of a table cloth.

Now this seems like she’s traveling in an exotic land, perhaps during the late 1800s. Then again, it does look like a creative arrangement of a table cloth.

13. Since the Kentucky Derby is a horse race, it seems appropriate enough to wear a horse’s head for the occasion.

Now that looks like a horse’s head you’d get from Amazon or something. Still, seeing it eat roses is kind of creepy if you think about it.

14. As far as flowers go, the bigger the better.

And this red flower seems to cover most of this woman’s hat. Hope some bee doesn’t mistake it for the real thing.

15. During the Kentucky Derby some people drink while others seem all corked out.

Let’s hope that the corks she used on this hat came from a craft store. Because if not, she might need to go through a Twelve Step program.

16. Some people tend to be private about their boudoir while this woman as a miniature version of hers out in the open.

I’m not sure which is more outrageous having a bathroom on your head or all the blue stuff surrounding it. Seriously, it just seems so ridiculous on sight.

17. Of course, every look has to go with the right kind of curls.

Now if these curls were any smaller, I would’ve mistook them for wood shavings. Hope she doesn’t run into low doorways.

18. Nothing makes a nice Southern plantation home than a grand staircase.

But when it comes to this woman, the grand staircase is pink and purple as well as on her head. But I don’t know if this staircase leads to heaven or nowhere.

19. When it comes to the wild Kentucky Derby fashions, even the sportscasters like to show off.

NBC sportscaster Bob Costa looks so stunning in Johnny Weir’s white hat. Not sure if it matches his suit though.

20. While some don hats of horse’s heads, others don those of jockeys.

Hope this woman didn’t get that head from her job at the DMV. Then again, she seems a bit too rich to have a job there from how that hat is decorated.

21. People come from all over the country for the Kentucky Derby. This woman is from Wisconsin.

And she’s wearing her cheese head coiffure in all its Greenbay Packer glory. Seriously, whenever I see a cheese head, I think of the Greenbay Packers.

22. What better hat for the Kentucky Derby than a straw bonnet of a horse?

Yes, this guy sure looks pretty with a horse bonnet that has pink lilies on its ears. Also, has a rabbit’s foot on it for luck. Guess he has money on a horse.

23. While the official Kentucky Derby drink is mint juleps, this lady prefers to wear a martini glass.

Well, I’m sure she doesn’t drink out of the thing,. But if she does, then she might have a problem.

24. Just drinking mint juleps with a jockey and horse by his sides.

Seems like the jockey and horse are chilling right by his riding helmet. Let’s hope he doesn’t have money on a horse and is just there for the fun of it all.

25. Of course, you always need your hat to match your outfit at the Kentucky Derby.

Looks like this will be Lady Gaga in a few decades. Seriously, I can totally see her wearing something like that an awards ceremony or public appearance.

26. No post on Kentucky Derby hats would be complete without one of a mint juleps.

Of course, that’s not a real mint juleps. But it looks pretty crazy yet appropriate at the same time.

27. It helps if the fringe on your hat matches the cuffs on your dress.

And she seems to have obtained the fuzzy trim from the rare Truffula tree. Of course, she probably had to spend a fortune on it as we know from The Lorax.

28. Pink flowers and black feathers, what can possibly go wrong with that?

I’m not sure if I can call this pretty since it seems to come from something you’d see a Star Trek alien wear. Seriously, the feathers are sticking out of the flowers.

29. When it comes to hair extensions, you can certainly go wild.

Now this is the kind of Kentucky Derby hat you’d see in a Lady Gaga music video or at a show in Las Vegas. Still, it’s quite hideous.

30. Some flowers just simply go well in a box. Some in planters. And some in hats.

I’m sure the flowers aren’t real but they’re certainly outrageous compared to the horse. Man, that hat is massive.

31. I call this look the Las Vegas showgirl.

And the fact this hat is worn by a guy makes it even funnier. Seriously, he’s bound to make Native American casino owners pissed off over cultural appropriation.

32. When it comes to Kentucky Derby hats, some are bound to make other spectators a little uncomfortable.

Yeah, if I was sitting next to a guy with an old timey camera hat and wearing sunglasses, I’d assume he was working for some covert organization. Seriously, he give me the creeps.

33. Some people enjoy the Kentucky Derby so much that they have to wear Churchill Downs on their heads.

Because why have a hat of a horse’s head when you can have one with 2 steeples? Of course, she might poke somebody’s eye out.

34. Of course, this woman is setting a record with her LP hat.

Hope the album in question isn’t of great quality, music wise. Seriously, I wouldn’t want to wast a good album on a hat if I were you.

35. Hey, I didn’t know that you can wear giant candy wrappers.

Hmm… I know the fashion industry can churn out some crazy shit these days. But I’m not sure if I’d want to be caught dead wearing a candy wrapper hat should a horse run over me at the races.

36. Eeek! Is that a spider on her head? Oh, God, take it away!

Sure she may think she’s glamorous, but her hat resembles some kind of giant spider that’s just escaped from mad scientists laboratory. Wouldn’t be surprised if it was radioactive.

37. With a hat like this, no one will get lost or forget the time.

Unfortunately, this sundial hat isn’t 100% accurate. But I’m sure you can see it from a bird’s eye view. Or not.

38. Of course, when looking at her hat, you’d swear to have seen it in a modern art museum. You probably didn’t know it was a hat to begin with.

Nevertheless, wearing a hat like this, and astronauts will be able to track your moves from space. Still, quite hideous.

39. Hey, I didn’t know they had a My Little Pony horse’s head hat. Guess every little girl wants one now.

Well, basically a hat for those who enjoy My Little Pony and The Godfather. Now Rainbow Sparkles will certainly make him an offer he can’t refuse.

40. Now this is the kind of Kentucky Derby hat I’d expect from a Tim Burton film.

From Huffington Post: “Originally designed to be worn by Helena Bonham Carter at the Oscars, this hat has found new life startling horses at Churchill Downs.”

41. What better way to grace the Kentucky Derby than wear a hat made from the precious feathers of your pet macaw.

Of course, it was a Norwegian Blue which is know for its wonderful plumage. But they do have a tendency of pining for the fjords. What? Are you saying that there aren’t any parrots in Norway? Well, you obviously haven’t seen Monty Python.

42. This guy seems to love roses so much that he had to have some tattooed on his face.

Doesn't stop him from looking like some bum who was hired to wear such a ridiculous hat. Yeah, seems like he's way too covered in roses to appear like a true fan.

Doesn’t stop him from looking like some bum who was hired to wear such a ridiculous hat. Yeah, seems like he’s the kind of guy who attends the Kentucky Derby during his annual day of being in civilization.

43. After the Derby one of them is going to a mad tea party while the other will celebrate Cinco de Mayo by watching The Three Amigos.

Mad tea party or Three Amigos? Oh, what the hell, Three Amigos will always win every time for me. Seriously, that movie is a classic.

44. The Louisville mayor and his entourage.

Nevertheless, Louisville’s mayor has an ego about a mile wide. So on Kentucky Derby day, he thinks he’s the Pope.

45. I suppose this is the ice cream lady.

I don’t know about you, but she’s probably wearing the hat for the money. Bet the ice cream company is sponsoring this horse race, right? How else could she wear an ice cream cone on her head?

46. Seems like this woman decided to wear the same outfit she had on during the gala at the modern art museum.

Because how else could her hat resemble a piece of funky colored bacon with springs on it? Seriously, bacon doesn’t look like that.

47. Guess the ladies of the Red Hat Society aren’t wearing anything outrageous.

Oh, my mistake. Actually looks like something the Red Hat Society ladies might wear to a derby in a Dr. Seuss story for some reason. Then again, the feathers are just crazy on this one.

48. When it comes to roses at the Kentucky Derby, the bigger, the better.

And it makes you wonder how the rose can be so big and still stay on this woman’s head. Seriously, I really want to know that answer.

49. Some people just want to wake up and smell the flowers.

Some guys just want to wear a hat with the petals surrounding them. Sure this doesn’t make you look ridiculous (sarcasm).

50. I suppose that this guy is holding the cup.

Sure he may wear it on his head, but think of how many things he’s carrying in that. Hopefully, he doesn’t have any drugs in them. But I could be wrong.

51. Nothing shows your love for the Kentucky Derby than wearing a hat of dangling horses.

Okay, now I don’t know about you, but it seems that the horses are dangling from their necks. It’s like an equine hanging tree. Seriously, that’s messed up.

52. When it comes to Kentucky Derby Beer Pong, all the plastic cups have to have roses and mint juleps in them.

Of course, they may be empty for now. But after the Derby, well, I’m sure they’ll be filled with booze and be used for beer pong. Not sure about the roses though.

53. Of course, nothing shows your love for the Kentucky Derby than having your hat made from the feathers of your dead parrot.

Seriously, you have to wonder why people would think that using dead pets for fancy hats is a good idea. Also, this hat is beyond hideous, but here it is.

54. Care for a bee in your bonnet?

Hey, I didn’t mean literally, but what the hell. I mean it’s just an expression. You don’t need to take everything literally. Also, that bee is terrifying.

56. Can’t decide between 2 hats? Just glue them together and create an awesome megahat, or not.

Yeah, I think the white hat would’ve been better without the funky blue feathers plucked from a bird in Horton’s jungle. Hey, I’m just saying.

57. Finally, a hat with nothing unusual.

Oh, wait, that’s Joey Fatone from the 1990s boy band NSYNC. Still, you kind of wish they had reunion at the Kentucky Derby wearing hats like these.

58. Now the bowler hat is fine. The giant cigarette, large gemstone ring, and the fur coat on the other hand.

Seriously, if he’s not doing anything illegal or killing people, he’s probably a greedy corporate executive who treats his minimum wage workers like shit, is engaging in insider trading, has had a succession of trophy wives, and spends most of his time on his expensive yacht.

58. Who knew that the Ghost of Christmas Present was a fan of horse racing?

Guess a guy whose job is to haunt the dreams of miserly bankers on an annual basis needs some kind of pleasure in life. But still, he looked way cooler in A Christmas Carol.

59. Knowing that it was expected to rain in Louisville during the derby, Cyndi Lauper decided to dress accordingly.

Yes, that Cyndi Lauper. Yes, that hat resembles a UFO. And yes, it also doubles as an umbrella. Any questions?

60. Of course, this gigantic pink rose doesn’t make her hat look in any way cartoonish.

Uh, yes. it does. In fact, it makes the other gigantic flower hats look normal in comparison. Seriously, you’d swear it was genetically engineered by Monsanto.

61. May I present to you, the Green Bay Packers Ladies’ Auxillary.

Now regular cheese heads are one thing. But pink cheese heads? Now that’s really fucked up. Guess they really wanted to show their love for the Packers and wear hats that matched their outfits.

62. Now here is a hat in glorious purple.

From Huffington Post: “There was this giant purple monster with feathers and it was chasing me through my old high school.”

63. I’m sure those bright pink feathers will make any Kentucky Derby hat look gorgeous.

I’m sorry but I was wrong. It just looks like something you’d buy at a Halloween costume store, particularly if it comes with a matching pimp suit.

64. After the derby, this guy plans to take part in some secret cult ritual involving horses or something. Or maybe he’s just wearing a horse’s head.

Of course, it’s bound to bring some traumatizing memories for people who woke up next to a horse’s head in their beds. Kind of disturbing if you think about it.

65. Of course, when it comes to hat decorating, some people just don’t know when to stop.

Let’s hope Churchill Downs has high doorways so she doesn’t run into something. Still, if she was a man, you’d think she was compensating for something.

66. This woman is certainly an accomplished hunter for she had to shoot a lot of birds to make a hat like this.

Of course, when it comes to pheasant shooting, this lady tends to use a machine gun by the looks of it. Still, maybe she should’ve stuck to something more suited for spring.

67. Nothing shows your love for the Kentucky Derby than a hat with a horse’s head in a top hat on a platter.

I don’t know about you but I’m starting to get the kind of My Little Pony meets The Godfather vibe again. I wonder why. Still, it has some pretty disturbing implications if you ask me.

68. Of course, if it should rain in Churchill Downs, then I’m sure I’d like to get under this guy.

Nevertheless, if there be showers, this guy will certainly be very popular. I mean wearing a hat like that would make any guy a one man mobile pavilion.

69. I see that the horses are about to leave the gates.

My mistake. That’s just a guy’s hat. Yeah, I know it’s weird. But he really seems to be a big horse racing fan by the looks of it.

70. Won’t you give another mint julep for this Fairy Godmother?

Seriously, she went through all that trouble to get Cinderella to the ball. So she really can use a break. And so what if she likes to bet on horses and get drunk on mint juleps afterwards?

Stupid Pet Stuff

Posted by historymaniacmegan on April 25, 2015

Let’s face it, people love their pets and want what’s best for them. Sure caring for an animal that depends on you is a commitment that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Pet owners are responsible for caring, feeding, and exercising their furry companions so it’s no wonder that they may need to visit a pet store once in awhile. Sure Fido may need his dog food, treats, worm pills, doggy bed, some toys to chew on, a crate, and a leash for walks like he needs a check up from the vet. And if he’s a city dog, then I’m sure his owner will have to buy some cleanup equipment for his nature calls. Yes, all that costs money. Sure owners want what’s best for their animal friends but some tend to go to extreme as if their pets are like people. I mean there are owners who spend so much on their pets on things which they don’t need. I’m sure Fluffy the cat should have the best kitty littler, but come on, do you really need to give her a birthday party? Seriously, pets may be a big responsibility but they aren’t people and you shouldn’t treat them like your kid. Hell, some people spend more on their pets than their own relations. And Leona Helmsey left the bulk of her estate to her dog Trouble and disinherited two of her grandchildren. Still, this doesn’t stop people from thinking that their little Frou Frou needs a spa treatment. Nevertheless, such strange notions of pet owners give rise to some of the craziest pet stuff you’d find on the web. So without further adieu, here are some pet products that would make your local cat hoarder seem sane by comparison.

1. King-Size Cat Bed

Just because your cat needs a place to sleep, doesn’t mean it needs a bed set as fancy as yours even with side tables and drawers. Seriously, whoever dumped this much money on this luxury suite makes a conventional crazy cat lady seem normal.

2. Puppoose

Seriously, pets are animals not fashion accessories even if they are little lap dogs. Still, I wonder if they make them in Great Dane size. Now that would be funny.

3. Luxury Themed Squeak Toys

Okay, what’s with these pompous cutesy wootsy playthings? I mean they resemble nothing that a dog would actually play with nor what you’d want it to play with. Seriously, you dog can do without a “iPaw,” “iBone,” “Pawda Handbag,” and an “American Barxpress Card.”

4. Decorative Pet Tattoos or Pet Piercings

Now getting a tattoo to memorialize a furry friend is one thing. However, getting your pet a tattoo (or piercing) is just fucking insane (except if it’s for identification). Now such practices are popular in Russia and parts of Asia, but in New York State it’s mostly banned and considered animal abuse.

5. Bowser Beer for Dogs

Yes, this is beer for dogs. Seriously, just because dogs are man’s best friend, doesn’t mean we should make them our drinking buddies. Of course, there are other brands like Happy Tail Ale, Flying Dog Beer, and other brands. Yes, it’s a stupid concept but there’s money in it.

6. Dog Hot Tub

Okay, now if most people can do without their own home jacuzzi, I’m sure their pets don’t need one either. Seriously, why do these things even exist?

7. Litter Robot

Now a self-cleaning litter box may seem like a great idea. But a self-cleaning litter box that resembles a space capsule? And for $399 from SkyMall? Please.

8. PetZen DogTread Motorized Exercise Treadmill

If you want to exercise your dog but have things to do, why don’t you just hire a dog walker? I’m sure your dog will enjoy it much more than this gadget.

9. Doggie Bjorn

Just because your pup may be your baby, doesn’t mean you have to treat it like one, especially outside. Seriously, just get a leash for God’s sake and don’t worry about it dirtying its paws.

10. Woof Brew

Now I’ve heard of little girls dressing their dogs for tea time with their toys. But this is ridiculous. Seriously, does Elizabeth II have dog tea for her corgis? No, and neither should you.

11. Dog Thongs

It also functions as a doggy diaper as well, which is said to absorb odors from farts (and dog farts really do stink). But still, would any sane dog owner want to subject their pooch to such humiliation? Does it come with a tramp stamp butterfly tattoo and a propensity to make out with frat boys?

12. Premier Feather Tether Bird Harness

Now your feathered friend can enjoy the great outdoors without flying away with this bird harness. If your bird needs exercise, why don’t you just let it fly around the house (with the doors closed of course)?

13. Pet Paint

Sure your want your pet to get noticed in bright colors, but it will also make your dog look like a complete idiot and hate you. Of course, there’s pet dyeing which is popular in China, but that trend is considered animal abuse by veterinarians in America.

14. PetZoom Pet Park Dog Potty Mat

Now I’m sure having your dog do its business on artificial turf is a great idea. Then again, I wouldn’t know because I live in the country, where nature serves as a dog’s toilet.

15. Pup Poop Tent

Yes, this is a pup tent for your dog. For pooping. As if your dog really cares about privacy when nature calls, which is just a pile of dogshit. Seriously, dogs pee and take dumps in front of each other. They certainly don’t care if you have to watch them. Seriously, if they can poop somewhere and get away with it, they will and they don’t care if you have to watch.

16. Birdhouse Spy Cam Hawk Eye Miniature Nature Cam for Wildlife Viewing

Sure this product has nothing to do with pets, but still, I can just as easily watch birds in a nest in my backyard if I want to. I’m not a nature cinematographer so why would I need a bird house equipped with a surveillance camera?

17. Bowlingual & Meowlingual, Cat & Dog Translators

You know how the dogs had those translators from Up. Well, they don’t work quite like that but Japan has managed to make devices like these. Yeah, kind of makes me disappointed.

18. The Cat Scratch DJ Table

This is the kind of cat toy that was probably invented by someone who’s seen way too many cat videos on YouTube. Yes. DJ Muffenmits is in da house!

19. Inflatable Cat Unicorn Horn.

Now all we need is to color it with some pet spray paint and your cat is sure to hate you forever. Seems to be seething with rage already.

20. Yoga Cat Mat

Now I may not know much about cats as I do about dogs. But how exactly does a cat do yoga? Seriously, I really want to know how that works. I mean they have cat yoga mats.

21. Dog Camper Van

You know most campgrounds don’t allow pets. So why would anyone in their right mind would dump $800 on this? Seriously, why?

22. Thundershirt

Basically this is meant to control your pet’s anxiety, by basically crushing them until they stop whining. Well, if you buy one of those, you’re basically too lazy for a pet anyway.

23. The Dog-O-Matic Dog Washing Machine

Basically, this device is supposed to wash your dog so you don’t have to. Of course, this also doubles as an animal torture device. Yes, I’m sure Fifi will now confess to eating the biscuits and never look forward to bath time again after this.

24. Cat Tunnel Sofa

Sure having a tunnel sofa for a cat might seem like a good idea. But imagine what a pain it would be to clean the thing. You’re probably better off with a regular couch.

25. “Fluo-Can” Fluorescent Dog Biscuits

Now would you eat food that glows in the dark? No, because you’d find it freaky and suspect it having radiation. So why would you want to feed your dog glow in the dark biscuits? Seriously, why?

26. Pet Jewelry

Now in a country where there are thousands of people starving and dogs wishing for warm homes in animal shelters, some Pepe la Poodle is sporting a Tiffany necklace and Swarovski pet hair clips, costing more than my house. Seriously, all that pet jewelry does is make their owners look like the rich, greedy jerks they are.

27. Dog Wine

And I thought dog beer was stupid. Now they have dog wine. If you feel like you need to spend a candlelight and wine dinner with your dog, what does that say about you? Of course, vintages consist of Pinot Tail-io, Bark-deaux, Char-Dog-Nay and Grr-lot.

28. Bacon Bubble Machine

Sure you might want to blow bubbles with your dog. Yet, bacon scented bubbles will just give your dog false hope for bacon. Seriously, it’s just cruel.

29. Luxury Dog House

Jesus Christ, the pooch who lives here seems to have it much better than I do. Seriously, there are people who don’t live as good as this. For God’s sake, dogs really don’t need all that.

30. Airpress O2

Do you and your dog live in China? If not, then I’d hold on to your 2 million yen if I were you. Seriously, oxygen bars for people are just a past fad back who knows when. So I’m not sure why you should subject your dog to the same treatment.

31. Cat Bib

This is supposed to keep your cat from hunting birds. Effective? I wouldn’t bet on it. Humiliating? I’ll say.

32. Designer Pet Clothes

And to think designer children’s clothing was ridiculous enough. Seriously, dogs and cats don’t need clothes most of the time for God’s sake. Stick with a child’s old sweater or a ripped T-shirt instead.

33. Pet Master PDA

Sure it might be convenient such as organizing your pet’s schedule. But it might make you wonder who’s the real master in your and your pet’s relationship.

34. Pet Pavilion

For those who think a perfect pet setting is an incubator reserved for scientific experiments. That, or a critter Intensive Care Unit. Seriously, if your little dog is sick, just take it to a vet and spare the $10,000.

35. Litter Kwitter

Tired of cleaning litter boxes? Wanting to potty train your cat? Well, say hello to Litter Kwitter Cat Toilet Training System. As with getting your cat to use it, well, good luck with that.

36. Goldfish Walker

If you think your goldfish needs some space, why don’t you just buy a bigger tank for God’s sake? Seriously, goldfish only live for a few years at the most and swim in the water most of the time. As to why anyone would feel the need for a goldfish walker is beyond me.

37. Kitty Wigs

Now I’m sure Kitty here really isn’t appreciating this photo op. Seriously, pets aren’t dolls, people! Would you want someone to put a funky wig on you? Of course, not!

38. Frosty Paws Ice Cream

Dog ice cream? Seriously? Do you think dogs go for that? Please, just spend that money on dog treats, bacon, and steak. I mean dogs are more likely to look forward to leftover dinner scraps than this.

39. Kong Stuff’n Paste

Basically this is doggie Cheez-Whiz, which you can put in your dog’s Kong toy. Yes, your dog might go nuts for it but how about when the meaty chunks fester in the Kong toy creating bacteria? Yeah, that would be a bitch to clean up.

40. Neuticles

These are silicon testicular implants for the male dogs whose naughty bits have been snipped by the vet so to speak. If you wish to neuter Rocko and your spouse is against the idea, then these are for you.

These are silicon testicular implants for the male dogs whose naughty bits have been snipped by the vet so to speak. If you wish to have Rocko neutered and your spouse is against the idea, then these are for you.

41. Katio

Now this is a contraption that creates an outdoor patio for your cat. Install it like you would an air conditioner. Then again, you’re probably better off putting an air conditioner through your window than this thing.

42. Designer Dog Handbag

Yes, I'm sure your dog has a deep burning desire to imitate Kim Kardashian. Of course, why your pooch would need a fancy schmancy Park Avenue purse is beyond me.

Yes, I’m sure your dog has a deep burning desire to imitate Kim Kardashian (sarcasm). Of course, why your pooch would need a fancy schmancy Park Avenue purse is beyond me.

43. Nail Pawlish

For the owner who wants to put the “pet” in pedicure. Sure this will make your pet’s claws look pretty. But I wonder how the owners would fare after being mauled by their technicolor clawed animals.

44. Pet Chime

Yes, barking and scratching are really annoying. But forcing your dog to quietly ring the doorbell if it wants to go outside, are you kidding me? Just let it be a dog for God’s sake.

45. Pet Corrector

This “ear bleeding bull horn” is a way to terrify your pet into hating you as you sound the thing when it barks unexpectedly. Yeah, trying to instill doggie discipline through that thing makes it want to rip your legs off.

46. Healthlab Digital Body Fat Scale

I’m well aware that many dogs suffer from obesity, but still do you really need this? If your dog is overweight, your vet will tell you. Otherwise, just give it plenty of exercise and keep it off junk food.

47. Pooch Pants

Basically it’s a dog diaper. Yeah, make it crap the shit out so you’d have to clean dried poop from its rear end. Still, it’s machine washable if you’re wondering.

48. Pet Sweep

And I thought the Slipper Genie was bad. Sure it would be nice for Old Yeller to do some chores around the house. But put these on him and he’s certain to secretly plan to kill his lazy ass owner on the couch.

49. Cat Wheel

It’s like a hamster wheel, except that it’s huge and serves no real purpose. Seriously, it’s said you have to distract your cat with a cat toy to get it in this thing. Yeah, $100 isn’t worth it.

50. Poop Trap

This is supposed to transfer the responsibility of cleanup from the owner to the dog. Of course, it also subjects the dog to walks of humiliation with no way to recapture its dignity. Seriously, I can’t imagine what happens if the bag breaks.

51. Pet High Chair

Nothing makes your dog able to eat at the table than a chair that makes it completely immobilized. Yes, it’s supposed to promote “refined behavior” but I’m sure it will suffer an occasional bout of panicked urination.

52. Rear Gear Butt Ornaments

For those who can’t stand the sight of a dog’s rear end, there’s a cover for that, folks. Seriously, can’t you just let a dog be a dog for God’s sake. Certainly dog’s deserved to be spared from such indignities that make other dogs laugh with them (as well as people).

53. PetsCell

To be fair, this would be great for your dog if you live in a really bad neighborhood or next to Cruella DeVil. I mean it’s a way to call your pet while you’re away from home. Imagine all the one sided conversations you two will have.

54. Doggles

Yeah, I’m sure Buddy wants to be seen at the beach with those embarrassing Doggles. Not. Other than that, there’s no other way how to convey the stupidity pertaining to this product.

55. Pet Stroller

You may see your pet as your precious baby, but they aren’t children nor should be treated as such. Also, I’m sure your precious Brichon Frise could certainly walk on its own. Seriously, no sane pet wants to go to the park pushed on a stroller.

56. Poop Freeze

After your dog poops, just spray it with this stuff before picking it up. Of course, what’s even more fun than Poop Freeze? Basically having your dog poop in the yard and doing nothing about it.

57. Croc Cat Bed

Sure cats need beds. But I don’t know if a supersized croc bed really cuts it. Seriously, it just looks stupid like those shoes.

58. “Hot Doll” Sex Toy for Dogs

Finally, the kind of toy for your dog to hump with. Of course, horny dogs basically hump on anything that moves if they can get away with it. So I don’t why a dog sex toy is necessary.

59. People Crackers for Dogs

Sure people enjoy animal crackers. So why shouldn’t dogs have People crackers? Of course, they only come with mailman as far as I know.

60. Fur Coat for Dogs

Seriously, dogs already come equipped with a fur coat from the time they’re born. So why would anyone want to spend so much money on a doggie fur coat is mind boggling to me.

61. Backyard Cat

This contraption is supposed to throw your kitty off balance if it should try to jump over the fence. Yeah, it’s one of those outdoor torture devices you hear about. It’s like attaching a cinder block to a toddler.

62. Pet Peek

For the dog who wants to be at the other side of the fence, do you think it’s helpful for making it see how the grass is greener? As your dog looks into the neighbor’s yard, he will endure a lot of humiliation as it secretly plots revenge. Seriously, isn’t this kind of tortuous?

63. Pet Digital Camera

Now this camera allows to see what your pet sees. Unfortunately, it results in a bunch of blurry shots of food bowls, floors, and other pets’ behinds.

64. Puppy Tweets

This is supposed to translate your dog’s activities into tweets. Now this begs the question: Who the hell sets up a Twitter account for their dog? Besides, they already have a way of social networking with other dogs. It’s called pee.

65. “Sexy Beast” Dog Perfume

Now I’ve seen quite a few pet perfumes out there. However, they basically mess with your dog’s senses. To them, dog perfume is basically an equivalent of you being forced to carry a large boombox around because the deaf caretakers didn’t like the sound. And “Sexy Beast” really?

66. Snake Walker

Yes, why not take your snake for a walk? now they could slither and frighten the living crap out of everyone in the neighborhood. And this is one of the early stupid pet products.

67. Dog Snuggie

Now a snuggie for people is one thing. But this is just insane. Seriously, if you’re worried about your dog being cold and wet, just remember they’re already equipped with an insulating material keeping them warm and dry. It’s called fur.

68. Turd Burglar

Now when your dog takes a dump, you can fling its shit at anyone or anything. Practice your golf game and hockey aim while making your dog’s poo, your neighbor’s problem.

69. Cat Wine

If you think alcoholic drinks were just for dogs, you were wrong. Now the Japanese have come up with cat wine. Now the cats from the crazy cat lady’s house can dine in style.

70. Pooch Pedometer

Now watching your weight is one thing. Watching your dog’s weight? I don’t know. Seriously, why does a thing like this even exist? From Japan.

71. “Kitty Ditties, Cat Ballads, and Feline Airs”

Basically, this is music for cats you can get off iTunes. Such songs are supposed to convey the mood of your feline listener. Lord only knows what kinds of music cats actually enjoy.

72. Pupcasso Paint Kit for Dogs

Basically this kit allows your dog to express its creative side. Just have it dip their paws in and stomp on the white paper. But if they get paint all over the floor, don’t blame me.

73. Pet Sweat

It’s a fitness energy drink for pets. No, that’s no mistranslation from Japanese. But why they thought pets needed a fitness drink is beyond me.

74.Swarovski Crystal Dog Sneakers

Seriously, your dog or cat can do just fine walking without shoes. I mean cats and dogs have been doing that for centuries. So why do we have sneakers for them?

75. Fauna Sauna The Fauna Sauna Pro – Radiant Heat Panel for Pets

This object uses infared rays to heat your pet directly in front of the device. Doesn’t have UV rays. Probably expensive as hell. Also comes as a bed.

76. Swarovski Cat Flap

Now having a cat flap is understandable. Having a cat flap encrusted with diamonds? Seriously, that’s just insane. Surely your cat is fine with a regular rubber flap at the front door.

77. Wedding Chapel Dog House

If you think dumping tons of money for a wedding chapel is ridiculous, a dog wedding chapel? Seriously, dog weddings? Now that’s just crazy. Dogs don’t get married! So why they’d have weddings is beyond me.

78. Leopard Lace Dog Bra Chew Toy

I’m sure this was originally invented for one of Paris Hilton’s stupid little lap dogs. Hey, it might make your guests a little uncomfortable but at least it’s not you’re going to wear this one.

79. Diamond Dog Collar

Basically putting one of these things can show that you’re rich enough to spoil your pet and have it wear jewelry. Diamond dog collars can be as much as $3 million but your dog is just as likely to chew it to pieces. Better to spend that much on a pile of bones.

80. Feline Tiara

Yes, you want Precious Purfect to look like a princess. But please, put one of these on her, and you’ll probably have to sleep with one eye open if it ever stays on. Might be useful for a cat beauty pageant, if one ever exists.

Mother’s Day Gifts Your Mom Doesn’t Want

Posted by historymaniacmegan on April 17, 2015

Me and my mom at Saint Vincent during my feshman orientation in August of 2008.

Me and my mom at Saint Vincent College during my freshman orientation in August of 2008.

I know this is a little early but since Mother’s Day is on the second Sunday in May, it wouldn’t hurt for you to think about what to give your mother, assuming that she’s still alive and you’re on good terms with her. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to think about buying something for the mother of your kids, too. For many people, their mothers are usually the primary parents of their lives for a variety of reasons such as a 9 month gestation period, traditional gender roles, and how mothers usually tend to have child custody in a divorce case. But while bad mothers have existed, we have celebrated motherhood throughout the ages as well as great mothers. Still, if there is an argument for equal pay for women, paid maternity leave, universal healthcare, unionism, affordable childcare, or other social action in the US it’s because millions of American working moms provide for their families every day and the best this government can do is give them the support and respect they deserve. Besides, you won’t just find mothers doing housework but also working out in the world at almost every rung of the economic ladder. So it was basically a no brainer for some woman to come up with Mother’s Day, which she later regretted since it became conveniently engulfed with commercialism. Now I can go on and on about great Mother’s Day gift ideas like flowers, chocolates, or a new hat, but I think you’d find it boring and won’t read my post. Instead, I’ll focus on products that would make any mother gasp in horror. Now I’m not talking about the conventional homemade coupons but perhaps some of the more unusual. So without further adieu, here the many gifts that won’t please your mother. Some of these may not be safe for work by the way.

1. Waistband Stretcher

Sure it might make her feel comfortable in her jeans. But do you really want to ruin her self-image? Seriously, it’s like telling your mother, “You’re fat” as she uncovers the gift wrapping.

2. Botox Gift Certificate

Because there’s no better way to tell your mom she’s seen better days and that crow’s feet aren’t a sign of graceful aging and wisdom. The kind of gift that would make any Wicked Queen want to kill Snow White.

3. Happy Man Bottle Stopper

Oh, my God, since when does this make an appropriate Mother’s Day gift? Seems more like the kind of present you’d want to give your college frat boy brother.

4. Broom and Dustpan Slippers

Okay, this is actually pretty awesome. But does it make an appropriate Mother’s Day gift? Sure it’s a pain to have to duck down and clean up with a real broom and dustpan. But do you really want your mother’s feet to look that ridiculous?

5. The Cuchini

This is something for women to put in their underwear if they have camel toe. Seriously, this is a terrible gift for any woman, let alone a mom. I mean just give her clothes that are looser around the crotch.

6. Carpet Slippers

You might want the carpet to match the drapes. However, I’m not sure if you want your flip flops match the rug or be made from the rug. Might be quite convenient if you need to fetch the mail or take the dog out.

7. Chinchilla Apron

Yes, it’s fake. But just because it’s an apron, doesn’t mean it belongs in the kitchen or anywhere else. Seriously, we’re not in the Stone Age.

8. Assorted Chocolate Crocheted Satchels

I suppose this is the best way to tell Mom, “Hey Mom, I know you love to eat chocolate, but maybe you should just look at it instead. Oh, but don’t worry, it smells like the real thing! Enjoy!” Word of advice, spend your $25 on something she’d actually want like real chocolate!

9. Roach Slippers

For one, my house doesn’t get roaches so my mother wouldn’t use it anyway. Second, wouldn’t it be better to save Mom the trouble by just hiring an exterminator? Seriously, why?

10. Emergency Bra

Is your town polluted as hell? Are you living in a combat zone? Do you think buying your mother bra is appropriate for Mother's Day? If no, then why the hell buy one? Also, if yes, to third question and a man, you might need to see a psychiatrist.

Ask yourself these questions: Is your town polluted as hell? Are you living in a combat zone? Do you think buying your mother bra is appropriate for Mother’s Day? If no, then why the hell buy one? Also, if yes, to third question and a man, you might need to see a psychiatrist.

11. Weight Watchers Gift Certificate

Let’s just say even if the women in your life are having weight problems, weight loss related merchandise is a terrible idea for any occasion. You really don’t want to call your mom fat on Mother’s Day.

12. Rejuvenique Face Mask

This is a facial toning mask which is supposed to tighten facial muscles through electric shocks. However, I'd rather recommend this as a Mother's Day gift for the self-conscious female serial killer.

This is a facial toning mask which is supposed to tighten facial muscles through electric shocks. However, I’d recommend this as a Mother’s Day gift for the self-conscious female serial killer. Pamela Voorhees and Mrs. Bates will absolutely love this!

13. Face Slimmer Duck Mask

Mother’s Day gifts shouldn’t pertain that Mom needs to slim down fat face even if she has a double chin and Venus rings. In fact, maybe we shouldn’t give any face silimming contraptions to anyone, especially since it makes you look like you’ve had Botox injections on your lips!

14. Houreisen Face Exercise Mask

Basically nothing says Mother’s Day like giving your mom a face stretching mask that makes her look like a Mexican wrestler. Seriously, I swear that Sister Incarnacion wore one just like it in Nacho Libre 2.

15. Facial Flex

Now here’s a way for Mom to flex her facial muscles to lift up her droopy skin without plastic surgery. Of course, this probably doesn’t work and will make her look like a complete idiot.

16. The Fat Magnet

It’s supposed to remove unwanted fat from food. Still, not only is this a covertly insulting gift to Mom, but there’s no way it actually works. If it did, I wouldn’t come across it in the gift guides of Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva. Seriously, there are better things to spend $20.

17. Food Dress

I’m sorry but a salad dress is still a salad. Besides, unless you’re Lady Tottington, I don’t see how such fruit and veggie dresses would be appealing to any woman, let alone moms.

18. Fancy, Fringy Daisy Dukes

For one, these aren’t great to walk in since the fringes might get caught in something. Second, being unable to wear short shorts is not the end of the world. Third, those aren’t even in style and look ridiculous.

19. Glitter Shitter

When your mother says she wants a sparkling toilet seat, I’m sure she didn’t mean this, unless she’s Lady Gaga. Seriously, nobody wants to crap in a commode that seems straight out of Elton John’s disco era bathroom. Besides, toilet seats make terrible gifts anyway.

20. Go Girl!

This is a female (travel) urinal device for when she has to pee in the outskirts of civilization and there’s no bush in sight. Just place it under your shorts and hoo-ha and pee away. Still, better have your mom pee in peace and quiet, perhaps with a funnel. Or just give her a carry-on flushing toilet.

21. Gold Poop Pills

If sparkly toilet seats aren’t bad enough, we have to make our poop sparkle, too. Seriously, do any women want to see their own excrement glittering in the toilet bowl? Of course not! We want to see it flushed down into the septic system to the water treatment plant. A massive waste of $435 better spent on jewelry.

22. Hug-E-Gram

The kind of Mother’s Day gift that says the Sunday bowling tournament is more important to you than seeing her in person on her special day. Seriously, if you can drive to her house and aren’t working, why not you just ditch the bowling tournament and just see her in person, you insensitive jerk?

23. Hana Tsun Nose Straightener

If Adrien Brody can live with his long crooked nose and still have a career and attract a following of fangirls, then I don't see why anybody should need this. Seriously, your mom's nose is probably fine the way it is.

If Adrien Brody can live with his long crooked nose and still have a career as a leading man and attract a following of fangirls, then I don’t see why anybody needs this. Seriously, your mom’s nose is probably fine the way it is.

24. Cooking for the Clueless DVD

Okay, even if your mom is a lousy cook who can use a few lessons, Mother’s Day isn’t the time of year to bring that up.

25. Hand Dipped Roses

Instead of dumping $800 on this floral thing, you’re probably better off with giving her a bouquet of fresh flowers, jewelry, or both. Seriously, she’d appreciate it more and it’s a better option for your wallet.

26. Parenting Manual

Basically giving your mom a book on parenting for Mother’s Day is like giving Robinson Crusoe a book on how to survive on a deserted island. This is especially insulting if she’s a grandmother.

27. Twilight Edward Cullen Pillow

Seriously, why get your mom a cuddly pillow of a 107 year old vampire who goes after high school girls? I mean Edward Cullen is a stalking, controlling, and predatory creep who should have a restraining order against him. Not his likeness on a body pillow.

28. Wine Holder Necklace

Some women love wine. Some women love jewelry. Some women love both. However, combine wine with jewelry into this with the potential to make a mess of wine and broken glass, that’s absurd.

29. Muscle Tights

Okay, maybe these tights are making this woman look too exposed. Seriously, put some skin over them. Also, these look utterly disgusting and more suited for live models in anatomy classes.

30. Picnic Pants

Sure your mom may be too busy to go on a picnic, but that doesn’t mean she’s desperate enough to risk looking ridiculous. Comes with a cup holder on a pant leg. Resembles a cross between denim harem pants and a tent.

31. Predator Claw Rings

Sure they may make your mom look sharp, but perhaps you should hold on to your $1800 and give her a gifts certificate for a manicure at the spa instead. She’d probably appreciate that way more.

32. Private Laptop Viewer

When your mom said that she wanted some private time to look on her laptop, this was probably not what she was talking about. Seriously, looks like she’s been swallowed by a giant sock.

33. Razorbra Back Shaver

Now I’m familiar with men having back hair, but I’m not sure if women do or not. If so, it’s hardly an issue. Seriously, it’s barely noticeable in photos, well, compared to men’s at least.

34. Frownies

I’m sure these Botox band-aids will retrain her facial muscles and restore lost youthful beauty without surgery, lotions, or exercises. Either that, or make her look like an idiot with cut out band-aids on her face.

35. Suction-Powered Lip Plumper

Now your mother can get luscious, plump, bee stung lips with this device that works by using technology of bicycle pumps or weird sounding flutes from bad cartoons. Seriously, why the hell does this even exist?

36. Cleavage Pillow

This Intima cleavage pillow provides a soft place for your mom’s cleavage and helps treat the little known problem of cleavage wrinkles. Yeah, I didn’t know about cleavage wrinkles either.

37. Aerator Sandals

These spiked sandals will open up the soil wherever she walks in the yard. If she prefers walking along dark alleys at night, they can be used as weapons.

38. High Heel Wine Bottle Holder

I’m sure this would be the perfect Mother’s Day gift for the alcoholic mom with a poor taste in interior decorating. Seriously, that thing is utterly hideous.

39. Trenchcoat Night Shirt

When it comes to sexiness, this is about as alluring as a man in a T-shirt tuxedo top. Also, this is not at all an appropriate gift for your mom on Mother’s Day. Seriously, why?

40. “Won’t It Be Fun If It’s Pink?” Kitchen Appliances

While my mom is perfectly okay with having a knife in cutting board. If I gave her a knife and cutting board set that resembled something from the Barbie Kitchen Collection, it wouldn’t go over well.

41. Bare Lifts Breast Support

Now many mom’s may have sagging boobies and may wish to have them perk up once in awhile. However, a gift like this on Mother’s Day is a very bad idea.

42. Fix a Flop Repair Kit

Hey, look, flip flops are basically a dime a dozen so it’s not like you need to have them repaired unless you’re Tom Hanks in Castaway. Seriously, if your flip flops break, do what Mom does, get a new pair of flip flops.

43. Solar Mooning Gnome

I’m sure your mom would want nothing more at night than seeing a saggy, bare, glow-in-the dark gnome ass in her flower garden. Yeah right.

44. Wine Bottle Wine Glass

Now this is the perfect Mother’s Day gift for alcoholics. However, just because your mother is a bit too much into wine doesn’t mean you should give her one of these. Seriously, it might make you a codependent in some cases.

45. Squat Strap

For the outdoorsy mom who hates having to squat in the woods, this offers valuable support for answering the call of nature. Sure there may other uses for it other than taking a shit in the woods but that’s not what you imagine Mom doing is it?

46. Crazy Cat Lady Game

Think of it as a game capturing all the fun of collecting herds of diseased feral cats without having to deal with cleaning up urine or being arrested by animal control. Yeah, I’m sure it’s fun for all ages.

47. Super Kegel Exerciser

This is supposed to be an exercise contraption for pelvic muscles. Said to enhance a woman’s sexual pleasure while toning her thighs, ass, lower abs. Also, said to help with urine incontinence. However, I’d sure as hell not want to be known for buying that doohickey for my mother.

48. Ouch Cutting Board

A cutting board for the mother who loves to cook, take part in voodoo ceremonies, and wanting to settle scores with the people who wronged you without being arrested.

49. Play Doh Perfume

Yes, give your mother the kind of gift that brings her back to the days when she used to get bits of this substance from out of the carpet. Not something she wants to remember.

50. Chocolate Jesus

For the Catholic mom on Mother's Day, would I recommend this chocolate crucifix? No way in Hell. However, as a Catholic, I wouldn't really say no to chocolate, no matter the kind of sacrilegious shape it may take.

For the Catholic mom on Mother’s Day, would I recommend this chocolate crucifix? No way in Hell. However, as a Catholic, I wouldn’t say no to chocolate, regardless of sacrilegious shape.

51. Slipper Genie

I’m sure when your mom asked for slippers on Mother’s Day, she asked for ones she can ask and kick back in. Not ones she can clean the floor with. Give her mop for that instead.

52. Steve Buscemi Dress

Face it, even if your mother is a diehard Steve Buscemi fan, I'm sure she would dread if she received a dress like this. I think you're better off with giving her a boxed DVD set of Boardwalk Empire instead.

Face it, even if your mother is a diehard Steve Buscemi fan, I’m sure she would dread if she received a dress like this. I’m sure it makes such a sexy model look very unsexy indeed with having Steve Buscemi on her chest. I think you’re better off with giving her a boxed DVD set of Boardwalk Empire instead. A DVD of Fargo is a good choice, too.

53. Portable Speaker Shoes

Sure your mom may like music and shoes. But I’m not sure if she’d want to have her music blasting at the feet of her soles. May I suggest that Billy Joel’s “Stiletto” would make a very appropriate soundtrack for these.

54. Measuring Tape Belt

Now this is a perfect Mother’s Day gift that would give mom a way to pull her pants up as well as heighten her waistline insecurities at the same time. Yeah, you’d probably want to pass on this one, even if your mom has weight problems.

55. Subtle Butt Gas Filters

I'm sure there is a time and place to remind your mother that she has a problem with flatuence. However, Mother's Day isn't one of those times.

I’m sure there is a time and place to remind your mother that she has a problem with flatulence. However, Mother’s Day isn’t one of those times.

56. Tissue Box Photo Cover

Moms may like photos of their kids. But sometimes just because you can stick a photo on something, doesn’t mean you should. Please, drop the creepy keepsakes ideas and go with a traditional frame.

57. Uterus Flowers

If your mom isn’t one of those New Age hippie types who thinks consuming animal products is murder, then I wouldn’t recommend this as a Mother’s Day gift. Seriously, avoid such flower arrangements like the plague.

58. Wake-N-Bacon Alarm Clock

There may be plenty of mothers who want to wake up to the smell of bacon in bed. But I’m not sure if this is just right for Mother’s Day.

59. Wearable Luggage

These ponchos may carry 33lbs but there’s no room for pride, shame, or positive reputation. Also, gives the term, “bag lady” a whole new meaning. For Mother’s Day, you might want to stick with a purse instead.

60. Burt Reynolds Tea Towel

I’m sure your mom wouldn’t want to use the 1970s Burt Reynolds centerfold when she hosts her next tea party. Seriously, this is a Mother’s Day gift in poor taste.

Sucky Dresses at Prom

Posted by historymaniacmegan on April 10, 2015

This is my cousin John in my sister's junior prom dress. And no, he didn't wear it to prom. But it fits well with what I'm going to talk about.

This is my cousin John in my sister’s junior prom dress. And no, he didn’t wear it to prom (they were just goofing off). But in a post devoted to prom dress fashion disasters, this is a perfect introductory photo.

After the Easter celebrations are over, junior and senior high school students all around the country prepare for the major formal high school dance of the year: prom. Prom season is the time of year when American junior and senior high school students spend countless amounts of their parents’ money on overpriced formal dresses and suits, overpriced tickets for an overpriced venue if it’s not the high school gym, overpriced hairstyles, and overpriced transportation. All just so they can attend a dance with mediocre food and music in hopes that they’d somehow get to third base in the backseat of a car without considering the possibilities of an immediate future with child support payments, STD treatments, teen pregnancy, shotgun weddings, or fucking up the rest of their lives. But it’s all portrayed as the fairytale capstone of a high school girl’s experience as well as a rite of passage in the media. Yeah, right. Now I never went to prom while in high school since I had a quiz bowl tournament in Harrisburg my junior year (with my team coming in 7th but my sister erasing all the photos from my parents’ camera. Yet, it was on PCNC). And during my senior year, I had to go to an out of state funeral for a paternal great aunt I’ve only met once in my life (who was the half-sister of a grandfather I’ve never met). Do I regret not going to prom? Hell no. Seriously, my senior year highlights were finishing in the KDKA Hometown HiQ semifinals where my team won $2,000 for the school as well as a Hall of Fame Club lunch I attended with my father, finishing second in a journalist writing contest winning $25 for myself, attending a friend’s Halloween party, and going on a trip to Disney World with my high school marching band. However, my sister went to her school prom both years and was a member of homecoming court as a senior. And so have many other high school students. Now the average high school promgoer spends an average of about $900 on prom according to the statistics on while I was in high school. So I’m sure that a lot of businesses make a killing off it. But what gets a lot of attention at prom are the overpriced formal dresses which are sometimes designed by straight male perverts and worn by 20 year old models in magazines. Now I can go on with all the pretty prom dresses out there. But you’d probably be bored to tears so I’ll show you some of the prom fashion disasters. Now I have it as Not Safe for Work because some might images might disturb the parents and that I don’t want teenagers to look at it. So without further adieu, here are some of prom’s most epic fashion catastrophes you can’t unsee.

1. Just because the dress may be great for a Civil War reenactment, doesn’t mean you should wear it for prom.

Sorry for being stereotypical here, but I'm not sure if a Southern belle dress would be seen as appropriate apparel for a black girl, according to some historians. Still, to each his own. After all, if you want to wear a dress like that to prom, that's your business. It just that the dress seems like a relic of 60s fashion. And by that, I mean 1860s.

Sorry for being stereotypical here, but I’m not sure if a Southern belle dress would be seen as appropriate apparel for a black girl, historically speaking. Still, to each his own. After all, if you want to wear a dress like that to prom, that’s your business. It’s just that the dress seems like a relic of fashion from the 60s. And by that, I mean the 1860s.

2. For the girl who wants to honor her southern heritage, offend black people, show your support for Lynyrd Skynyrd, and look like a trashy redneck at the same time, then the Confederate flag dress is for you.

Of course, I’d like to know how she’ll have to explain this to her black boyfriend. Seriously, the Confederate Flag is a racist symbol since it was used by white supremacist organizations like the KKK and the Dixiecrats.

3. For those aiming for the Grecian look, may I present to you Bo Derek in her bedsheet.

Let's just hope she's poorer than hen shit and wearing an actual bedsheet as a prom dress. Because I really don't want to think that her parents spent all this money on a dress that makes her seem like a slutty Grecian harem girl.

Let’s just hope she’s poorer than hen shit and wearing an actual bedsheet as a prom dress. Because I really don’t want to think that her parents spent over $300 on a dress that makes her seem like a slutty Grecian harem girl.

4. Of course, it’s not just the ladies who want to get in on the formalwear action. These guys dressed as the colors of the rainbow.

Of course, while many may see these teenage boys as the innocent promgoers they are, some people in the Bible Belt conspiracy theorist might equate them with the fictitious gay mafia of their imaginations. Either that, or Willy Wonka’s fraternity.

5. While most prom dresses cost loads of money, this dress is practically made of money.

Of course, what would make this dress worse was if the money on it is real, which I’m sure isn’t. Still, doesn’t give her a good rep if she decides to use this picture for her online dating profile.

6. For those who love colors and prints, this psychedelic prom dress is perfect for you.

This dress’s design was inspired by the designer’s drug trip on the brown acid at Woodstock during his hippie days. Can you dig it, man?

7. While prom is known for elaborate hairstyles, nobody’s has seen anything nearly as spectacular as helicopter hair.

Now I know that choppers may have very little to do with prom. But I have to appreciate that this girl’s hairdresser certainly had a great sense of humor.

8. For those who love Star Wars, nothing says love at prom like dressing up as Anakin Skywalker and Queen Padme Amidala.

Of course, for those who've seen all the prequels, we know that their relationship doesn't end well. Yeah, I can understand why Jedi are forbidden to marry.

Of course, for those who’ve seen all the prequels, we know that their relationship doesn’t end well. Seriously, she dies of childbirth while he gets dismembered that he has to wear a Darth Vader suit. Yeah, I can understand why Jedi are forbidden to marry.

9. Nothing shows redneck pride at prom than a camo dress and a matching suit.

Unless your school’s theme for prom is based off The Deer Hunter, I would really advise against it. Seriously, camo is proper during deer season, not prom season. Get it through your heads!

10. For those who can’t afford a prom dress or don’t want one, I’m sure formal shorts and top is right for you.

Perhaps when it comes to prom dress codes for girls, you might want to go with, “Do not wear anything resembling something that Niki Minaj might wear to one of her concerts.” The guy looks kind of sleazy as well, but in a different context.

11. While some prom dresses seem like they were made to accentuate the sexiness of supermodels, sometimes designers can go too far.

Okay, someone forgot that the top part of the dress shouldn’t consist of just boob straps. Seriously, this looks incredibly slutty and it’s not helped by the girl’s expression that suggests that she’s cheap and easy.

12. For those who want to catch eyes like a peacock, you can’t go wrong with a feather train.

So that’s what they were doing with the tufts of the Truffula trees. And I thought they were just for Thneeds, whatever those are. Still, probably a main reason why the Lorax’s forest basically went to shit due to deforestation by the Oncler.

13. Of course, when it comes to skimpy prom outfits, it’s not just the girls you need to worry about.

Now the girl is actually decently dressed. The guy on the other hand, is a different story. Seriously, nobody wants to see you dressed for prom as Borat at the beach.

14. You can be the prettiest girl at prom with a dress of jewels and tie dye.

I don’t know about you but people during the 1960s and 1970s didn’t wear tie dye to prom for a reason. Guess her prom’s theme this year is Chez a la Woodstock.

15. For all you art fans out there, ever teen girl would look beautiful in this prom dress with its design inspired by the masterpieces of Jackson Pollock.

On second thought, Jackson Pollock is a horrible artist. Seriously, why spend an enormous fortune on the kind of paintings your 3 year old can make you for free? Still, this dress is just plain hideous.

16. For the girl with kaleidoscope eyes, this is the prom dress for you.

Man, just looking at this dress makes me feel like I’m tripping balls. Must be inspired by some kind of acid trip during the 1970s. Yeah, it’s enough to make your prom date’s eye sore.

17. When you really want to stand out at prom, you can’t go wrong with a dress of chartreuse.

Now if my sister or I wanted to wear a dress like this at prom, I’d know exactly what my dad would say, which is, “No way in hell.” Seriously, my Grandma C wore that color and my dad just thinks it’s bad fashion sense.

18. Of course, shopping for prom dresses might be difficult for the unfortunate teenage girls who’ve been knocked up for awhile. But sometimes even that won’t stop them from having fun.

Now being pregnant around prom time is one thing. But wearing a dress like that? Seriously, this is just in very poor taste, maybe even by cheep hooker standards. Oh, my God, why?

19. This elegant V-neck gown will make any teenage girl feel like a princess.

That or a fifth rate version of Miley Cyrus at the Oscars. Then again, she’d probably wear one that would show way less skin.

20. For prom, you can’t do wrong with a short dress and fishnet stockings.

On second thought, you definitely can. Seriously, this girl looks like a cleaned up pretty version of a back alley hooker. I mean, why would anyone let their kid wear this? Wonder if she has knee high heeled boots to go with that and she’ll be all set.

21. For a more natural prom look, may I suggest you go with animal prints?

Take my advice, I hate animal prints. I think they take a reasonable looking gown and turn it into a tacky mess of poor taste. Seriously, it looks awful.

22. When it comes to prom, there’s nothing better than having your outfit support your favorite sports team.

I suppose this coordination was the guy’s idea. Like camo, sports trademark formal wear simply doesn’t belong. Seriously, it looks really out of place.

23. May I present to you: Willy Wonka’s prom picture.

Man, they sure look happy together. Too bad Willy soon became a recluse confectioner who owned a gigantic factory run by enslaved labor. Guess this girl doesn’t regret dumping him and is now married with a family.

24. This couples prom theme: Tribute to Dippin’ Dots: Ice Cream of the Future.

I don’t see the appeal of Dippin’ Dots as Ice Cream of the Future and the only place I’ve seen it sold is Kennywood anyway. Still, guess this couple is smarter to make their prom outfits.

25. Some girls go for puffy sleeves, some not at all. This one went with spiked.

Man, guess this dress will make it difficult for her boyfriend to put his arm around her in the back of the car. Now that moment can get awkward.

26. Of course, if you love John Hughes movies, you can always wear a prom dress from the 1980s.

Hey, I didn’t know Dr. Felix Frankfurther wore a purple dress at his senior prom. Guess he’d love to do the Time Warp again to aim for a sensible look from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Then again, maybe not.

27. From Jovani, here we have a lovely sequin gown of camouflage?

Sequin camo? What the fuck? Seriously, this woman may be pretty. But as for the girls who’d actually wear such a dress for prom, chances are they probably come from a trailer park. I mean why does this even exist?

28. For the girl going to prom, make sure your dress has all the necessary trimmings.

Two pieces? Check. Colorful animal prints? Check. Midriff jewelry? Check? Yellow ruffles? Check. May I introduce to you the quintessential trashy dress for your tacky and skanky heart’s content.

29. For those who want to shimmer in pink, this is the beautiful dress for you.

Outside is all pink and sparkles. But underneath, you have a 1970s acid fever dream. Trippy, man. I know.

30. Of course, if you’re a guy, you might want to let your parents know that your prom date is a bit unconventional when it comes to her hair.

Just love the look on that guy’s face. Still, you have to love these vintage pictures. The girl’s punk hairdo is just so out of place in this. So funny.

31. For the pregnant prom goer: when selecting a dress, I’d advise you to stay out of the Kim Kardashian maternity line.

Now this is just really bad. I mean teen pregnancy is nothing to write home about. But dressing like that to prom is skanky enough even if you don’t have a bun in the oven.

32. I call this prom dress style the slutty superheroine.

Sure she may look quite slutty, but at least she’s appears as if she’s Thor’s exotic sassy black girlfriend. Perhaps she’s an African ocean goddess of the waves.

33. For the ladies wanting a prom to be their happily ever after, you can’t go wrong with a princess ball gown.

Okay now while everything else is fine, I think the leopard print really makes this dress less than bedazzling to me. I mean no prom princess in her right mind would want to wear a gown with ugly leopard prints on it.

34. Hear ye, hear ye, may I presenth to you thy Tudor prom king and queen.

Of course, these prom outfits seem less suitable for ye olde prom and more appropriate for the ye olde Renaissance faire. Also, what’s with the codpiece? Seriously, that don’t look right.

35. For those who love Disney but hate princesses, make your prom as sweet as honey by wearing Winnie the Pooh.

Now this set up doesn’t seem skanky at all. But it’s just that years from now when their kids see this prom picture, they’ll probably be laughing their asses off. Seriously, I know the guy is going along with the Pooh theme because he wants some poo tang.

36. Prom photo or still photo of some unknown 1980s hair band?

I know it’s probably a 1980s prom picture. Yet, with those crazy hairstyles, no one can tell. Still, you gotta love the 1980s. Seems like they have so many hair products to go around.

37. When you don’t have anything for prom, when in doubt, do denim.

On second thought, no, please don’t. Most workplaces consider the material as below business casual, let alone a bad material for formal wear. Still, I don’t know which one of this couple is more likely to trip over: the girl with the train or the guy in the elephant bell pants.

38. Since prom is about dancing, food, excess, and sex in the high school world, it’s only reasonable that you should go with Mardi Gras.

Wait a minute, Mardi Gras was in February. Prom season is in April and May. So isn’t it a little late to dress for Mardi Gras for prom?

39. For prom, nothing makes you love American more than a patriotic prom dress and suit.

These two seem like they’re the part of the pep squad for Apollo Creed or the Harlem Globetrotters. Then again, they’re doing it for the Stuck at Prom competition, but still.

40. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, the Russian gangster and his Russian hooker bride.

If this was a Russian wedding picture, I might understand this a little better. But it’s a prom picture and I’ have no idea why the girl’s parents let her wear that out of all the dresses available.

41. While we usually see a prom princess with a conventional ball gown, I don’t see why we shouldn’t exclude warrior prom princesses, too.

Oh, wait. Yes, I think I do see a reason. Because warrior princesses dress as skimpy as hell to appeal to a male fan base. Yeah, that’s right. Still, you don’t want to mess with this girl. She could be Storm from the X-Men for all you know.

42. When you’re mellow, go with yellow. When you’re away, go with gray.

Now I know my school would never let me wear that yellow dress for prom. However, it’s the gray trimmings that irk me with this outfit. Seriously, makes the girl look like she’s straight from a sci-fi TV show.

43. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Storm Boy and Rainbow Girl.

You know your prom outfits are lame when even the yellow umbrella is snickering behind you. Still, they’re probably just doing it for the art or the scholarship money so it’s not like they broke their parents’ bank.

44. With a prom dress like this, any girl can look like a goddess. And by that, I mean an evil one from a sc-fi show that forces guys to have sex with her.

Yeah, I think this dress was inspired by some alien girl’s outfit from Battlestar Galactica or Star Trek: The Next Generation. But I’m sure wearing this will certainly get her a date with a cute sci-fi nerd.

45. Speaking of sci-fi prom dresses, a lady can’t go wrong with cocktail dress inspired by TRON.

Hey, girl, you might want to save your TRON dress for the geek convention where it will be a hit with the nerds. Either that, or the Black Eyed Peas Super Bowl concert.

46. May I present to you Sammy Stumpak and all right, how old is this guy’s date?

I know we’re supposed to believe this girl is in high school. But with that dress and that hair, I swear I must’ve mistook her for a teacher robbing the cradle. Seriously, that dress looks so unsuitable for what teen girl would wear to prom. And that style reminds me of a few teachers I had in elementary school.

47. Aw, now finally a nice couple prom photo. Wait a minute, is that a guy wearing a dress?

Now I’m sure guys could wear dresses if they want to. It’s just that this guy looks as if he’s some villain from some bad sci-fi space opera from the 1980s. I mean, that just doesn’t look right to me.

48. Make your prom a fairytale adventure as the Queen of Hearts and the Mad Hatter.

Hey, I didn’t know that the Queen of Hearts and the Mad Hatter went to prom together. Or that they were in high school at the same time. Or that Wonderland even has a high school or prom.

49. For prom, this couple decided to combine their tastes for deer hunting and gangster films for their outfits this year.

Now while they’re clad in camo and bright orange, in accordance with deer hunting season, the guy’s in a pinstripe suit assuming the look of a 1920s gangster. Seriously, I’m sure if Nucky Thompson had a hunting outfit, it would look exactly like that.

50. What way to celebrate prom than to dress up in the costumes of your European ancestors back in the home country?

I don’t know about you, but I’m sure if you had European ancestors, I’m sure they didn’t dress at all like that in the home country. Unless you’re counting fairy tales, of course. Also, I’m sure the guy’s not allowed to bring a sword to prom due to the zero tolerance weapons policy.

51. When it comes to pimping at prom, you have to do it in plaid.

Now dressing up as a pimp for Halloween is one thing, but for prom? Seriously, pimps exploit women by making them have sex with other guys for money. Do you really want to send that kind of message to girls?

52. Prom dress, very expensive sexy lingerie, or both?

From what I can tell, this could very well be used for prom or very overpriced sleepwear. Seriously, I’m sure my dad wouldn’t want me to wear that to prom. Still, I don’t think I’d want to buy it.

53. With a suit like this, this guy will match both his bitches.

Now I’m sure this guy knows how to compromise with both his girlfriends since he seems to really want a threesome. However, I’m not sure if the pimp cane and cup really sends good connotations, other than the two girl thing.

54. When you want to stand out at prom, an orange dress will certainly get you noticed.

Of course, this dress will certainly make guys think that you’re an aspiring streetwalker. Not to mention, I think it goes against the high school dress codes in most states.

55. Of course, when you can’t buy your prom dress, you can always make your own.

Good News: Looks like these people didn’t spend a lot of money on their prom outfits.
Bad News: Their clothes were made from the same material.
Very Bad News: The fabric is ugly.

56. Celebrate your love for America this prom, with this patriotic princess dress.

From Ugly Dress.com: “Prom Patriots are very popular. Prom Patriots get everything they could ever want. If you dress up like the Prom Patriot everyone will like you, you will get into the college of your choice, your acne will clear up, your boobs will get bigger, the Prom King will kiss you behind the coke machine, and you will even have a baby.” Yeah right.

57. While prom dresses typically have bright beautiful colors, this isn’t always the case.

Yeah, this dress may seem decent but the color scheme really isn’t appropriate. I mean spring has to be full of life. With a dress like this, everything looks dead.

58. Of course, a dress like this can really enhance your shoulders.

Reminds me of the kind of dress women would wear during the 1980s, particularly if they were rich trophy wives of Wall Street bankers. Yeah, I’m sure it would be a perfect fit for a teenage girl. Not.

59. When it comes to prom dresses, you can’t have too much ruffles and leather.

Uh, yeah, I think you can. Seriously, seems like 1980s prom dress designs at their most ridiculous. I mean it would’ve looked better without the white trimmings on it.

60. Man, I’m not sure if it’s the prom dress or I’m just plain tripping at the moment.

Now whoever designed this dress must’ve been under the influence of strong hallucinogenic mushrooms or peyote in that matter. Seriously, gives me migraines just looking at it.

61. Prom dress or German barmaid outfit?

I think I might've seen a similar dress on a wax figure of Rhihanna. Doesn't really seem appropriate for her. Still, hope she saves it to wear for Oktoberfest.

I think I might’ve seen a similar dress on a wax figure of Rhianna. Doesn’t really seem appropriate for her. Still, hope she saves it to wear for Oktoberfest.

62. Prom princess or giant princess cupcake?

Now I’m sure she can party all she wants. But she needs to be home by midnight or her ride will turn back into a pumpkin and her driver back into a mouse. However, she’ll accept any proposal from the guy who returns her glass slipper.

63. Can’t really tell whether these two are on their way to prom or a back alley dance club.

Of course, it’s probably prom since their outfits seem to be made from duct tape for the “Stuck at Prom” competition. They’re probably repressed art students, go figure.

64. For those wanting to get in touch with their wild side, this jungle princess prom dress is a perfect fit.

Now if this wasn’t a prom dress, I could’ve almost mistake it for a Victoria’s Secret lingerie ad. Seriously, kind of looks unbelievably skimpy once you add leopard prints.

65. Ladies and gentlemen, all hail Queen Vespa from the planet Saldor.

I don’t know about you, but I could see one of Captain Kirk’s love interests wearing this very outfit on an episode from the original Star Trek. If she painted herself green, she could even go to a Star Trek convention in that very outfit.

66. Everyone, I give you the prom outfits from the future.

Of course, when I look at these outfits, it makes me not look forward to what high school kids might wear for prom in the future. This is especially the case with the guy wearing a brown suit.

67. Sometimes when it comes to prom dresses, you have to go with what you got.

However, I’m sure repurposing beer crates as prom dresses probably isn’t a good idea. Seriously, you aren’t even allowed to wear beer shirts at school, let alone beer crates at prom.

68. No I do declare, you can’t go wrong at prom dressed as a Southern Belle and her gentleman beau.

Worst Gone with the Wind cosplay I’ve ever seen. Seriously, the dress color is terrible. And frankly, my dear, I really do give a damn.

69. Some people see prom as a fairy tale while others just go to prom to just chill.

Yeah, prom should be about peace, love, and rock n’ roll. Of course, a lot of people have sex after prom. But still, these outfits seem more suitable for Woodstock than perhaps a formal high school dance.

70. Remember, ladies, make sure the top half of your prom dress corresponds with your bra size.

Yeah, I see a future with this girl after high school. Seems like she’ll spend a great chunk of her life turning a lot of tricks and taking her clothes at certain establishments. Wouldn’t be surprised if a former classmate saw her at the Filly Corral.

71. Nothing makes a pimp stand out than a suit of leopard prints in lime green.

For one, lime green isn’t a great color for prom. Seriously, it’s a hideous color. Second, I’m sure a lime green pimp outfit doesn’t make a guy look any badass. In fact, it just makes you look ridiculous.

72. Taking a prom photo with guns. What can possibly go wrong with that?

Now it’s one thing to take a prom photo with guns. It’s a whole different matter when the guy is dressed up like a 1920s gangster. And the fact it’s so unintentional makes it even funnier.

73. When it comes to princess gown skirts, some girls think bigger is better.

Now zebra print shoes and jacket aside, I wonder how this girl ever manages to sit in the car with that thing on. At least her dad could be happy that these two will have a very difficult time getting it on afterwards.

74. For those who dislike leopard prints, you can always go with zebras.

It’s amazing how animal prints can turn a reasonably slutty dress like this, into one that’s even more suitable for aspiring street walkers. Seriously, no self-respecting parent would want their daughter wearing that.

75. When it comes to couples, many believe that they should match.

For some reason, though I think the girl’s dress is slutty enough, I think the guy’s outfit is much worse. Seriously, it looks like some crazy bodysuit you’d see in some sex dungeon or something.

76. Prom dress or futuristic dress for a sexy maid?

Yeah, I think tin the future, all the fembots would wear outfits like these so they can please their dirty old but terminally single masters by bowing to their every desire. Seriously, this dress is as tacky as hell.

77. Come hither, come hither, lords and ladies, to the age old tradition of prom.

So that’s how the first Blackadder managed to get laid and have descendants. Too bad women will soon find him repulsive and he’d be compelled to marry a child, but that’s another episode. Oh, wait did they have prom in medieval England? Who cares.

78. Nothing brings out the spirit of prom than showing your love for Mountain Dew.

I’m sure these two are getting paid for doing this. Seriously, that’s the only reason why I’d wear a Mountain Dew dress. Also, the guy seems like he’s one face paint away from being a Batman villain.

79. If your date is dressed up like a 1920s gangster, here’s a great dress to complement it.

Now this dress would actually be pretty nice for prom. However, you just need to remove the low hanging trimmings, which make it look ridiculous. Seriously, I’m sure flappers didn’t wear a dress like that.

80. Now this one is called the “Mermaid Sweetheart” dress. But it kind of seems gothy to me.

Of course, when she’s done with the dress after prom, she could send it to the funeral home where they could use it for coffin liner.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Ads (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 31, 2015

Since I didn’t find a lot of good Easter ads (and by that I mean ones so bad they’re unintentionally as hilarious as offensive in some cases), I decided to do another edition of general vintage ads. I mean I did one a year ago and since I haven’t had many ideas lately (or at least those I haven’t acted on). Not to mention, my last general vintage ad post got 577 views and the ones I did during the holidays had sizeable turnouts as well. Nevertheless, our vintage world of advertising can tell a lot about our culture at the time as well as why there are certain restrictions on advertising nowadays. I mean those who have seen my back to school season vintage ad post know what I’m talking about. I mean seriously, before anti-smoking awareness, tobacco advertising was everywhere. And this to the point where you had back to school cigarette ads. Really. Then there’s the fact that many of these old ads were drawn by artists which leads to some of them being unintentionally creepy or inappropriate. So for your reading pleasure, here is another installment of not so nostalgic vintage advertising.

1. Spread your legs for maximum leg room in a new Pontiac Star Chief.

Pontiac Star Chief: for the male high school senior intent on losing his virginity before graduating high school, this is the car that will certainly get you laid at prom. It’s maximum leg room makes consummation a cinch.

2. Start revolution with Interwoven Esquire Socks that will make your kids question your fashion taste in the 1970s.

Yes, all that these guys have on are their hideous socks and their sunglasses. Still, I don’t know if a group of naked men would look this comfortable around each other during a photo shoot. And you can almost see some of their butts.

3. Girls who are noticed first Go Gay. As in Go Gay Hairspray.

Now this is an ad for hair spray. However, since “gay” now refers to homosexual in our modern culture, this ad unintentionally suggests that women turn lesbians when looking for Mr. Right. Yeah, it’s as stupid as it sounds.

4. Gentlemen, be strong like a man in these Hicks business slacks?

Because who needs to work out in spandex at the gym when you have khaki? Besides, I forgot my gym shorts at home so it was either these or my tidy whities.

Because who needs to work out in spandex at the gym when you have khaki? Besides, I forgot my gym shorts at home so it was either these or my tidy whiteys.

5. She was the perfect housewife but she was so busy attending to her husband’s needs that she didn’t attend to her feminine hygiene. And her husband failed to appreciate her because of this one thing.

Yes, she was everything a husband could ask her but Mr. Superficial here couldn’t appreciate her because she was unable to change her period pad once in awhile during her time of the month. And her husband Mr. Superficial would trade all her assets so she could correct this.

6. I just couldn’t accept my husband’s ring on our first anniversary because I was so ashamed of my red dishwashy hands.

Seriously, lady, either you get a dishwasher, buy rubber gloves, or stop complaining about your hands. I mean having dishwashy hands is nothing to be ashamed about at all. Besides, your husband doesn’t care how your hands look anyway.

7. “It’s no use! I won’t see him.” And then she locked herself in her room because she had a poor complexion.

Really? Bad skin? Is it just me or do women in vintage ads seem way too concerned about their looks? I mean having a poor complexion is no excuse for not seeing a guy and locking yourself in your room, which I think is crazy.

8. As a man, I suffered from menstrual cramps, because when my wife has her period, she’s like a total bitch.

For ladies suffering from menstrual cramps, try Femicin because you know your husband doesn’t want to hear you complaining about them. Doesn’t help that this guy looks like a total asshole.

9. Does my husband look younger than me? Oh, my God, will he cheat on me?

Seriously, there’s nothing wrong with aging, especially if you’re a woman. Yet, she seems to feel that her husband will leave her for some younger chick if he appears younger than her.

10. Remember, ladies, dishpan hands can kill your marriage. So use Lux.

Really? I’m sure dishpan hands aren’t the reason why people’s marriages end. Seriously, seems like vintage ads tend to measure a relationship’s health on how well the woman abides by unrealistic beauty standards.

11. Remember, women, signs of “middle aged skin” can start at 20 and you know guys dump you over that. So use Palmolive Soap.

You know, if my boyfriend dumped me for someone else because I had “middle aged skin,” I wouldn’t be crying about it to my grandma. This “Tom” guy is a superficial asshole who’s not worth any woman’s time.

12. Lady, with body hair? Now why doesn’t she shave?

Admit it, we all have body hair. Yet, only women are encouraged to get rid of it while Burt Reynolds shows his naked hairy chest in Cosmo. Seriously, the double standards have to go.

13. Remember, your hair collects unpleasant odors.

Well, if you were in a room in which everyone is smoking cigarettes, it’s no surprise why. But I don’t think this ad is making the connection.

14. “He doesn’t kiss me anymore!” Don’t worry, just switch your brand of lipstick!

I’m sure switching your lipstick to Tangee won’t solve your relationship problems with your boyfriend. Seriously, I wonder what these terrible ads say about men in those days like being superficial assholes.

15. “Please, honey, don’t lock me out of your life with invisible locks!”

Of course, her marriage was falling apart due to “one intimate neglect.” I suppose this has to do with “feminine hygiene” of the sanitary napkin variety.

16. Want to lose weight? Try these contraptions at a reasonable price and sweat the weight off.

Products include Frown Eradicator, Chin Reducer, Neck and Chin Reducer, Bust Reducer, and Abdominal Reducer. They also have Union Suits, jackets and support hoes. Of course, hate to see what some of these weight loss contraptions look like.

17. Another love shipwrecked due to bad feminine hygiene. So on your next date, keep your vagina clean with Lysol.

Seriously, this is what the ad basically says because “feminine hygiene.” So according to vintage ads, Lysol is great for dishes as well as the female nether regions. And in your grandparents’ day, vaginal cleanliness was important.

18. Remember, ladies, for your vaginal and reproductive needs, use Lysol. And your husband won’t avoid your embraces.

Still, you have to applaud Lysol for managing to promote their dish washing fluid as a douche solution and contraceptive (note the mention of organic matter). And this one really is pushing the envelope here.

19. While some airlines feature their pretty stewardesses in their ads, Eastern Airlines uses their ad space to shame those who didn’t quite make it to their impossibly high standards.

At Eastern Airlines, we want everyone to fly. But if any young woman wants to be a stewardess on our airline, then she has to be superwoman or else, we won’t take her.

20. Remember, ladies, gray hair can cost you your job so restore your hair color with Sage and Sulphur.

Man, this woman must work in a very superficial workplace for very superficial male bosses that treat her like eye candy. Yeah, I’m sure sulfur and sage will help restore your hair color. Yeah right.

21. Flat chested and dateless? Get the Miracle Cream treatment, ladies to enhance your bust 1 to 3 inches.

Think of this ad as the female equivalent to any of the ads that pertain to natural male enhancement. Of course, this was probably from the 1930s when the flat chested flapper look was on its way out.

22. Don’t look now, but I think the man suspects his wife may have gap osis.

And by “gaps” they mean skirt buttons here. Seriously, I’m not making this up. Seriously, I’m sure if your relationship suffers due to “gap osis” it’s not you ladies, it’s him.

23. Have teeth? Then preserve them with by using the ideal felt tooth polisher.

I don’t know about you but I think I’m a little creeped out by the man in the moon. Seriously, he reminds me of a serial killer in this.

24. Use Mustang lineament and you will be all right in a day or two and so will your horse.

I’m not sure if the woman will be all right after a day or two. For that matter, the creepy clown could’ve had her bound and gagged in his circus trailer.

25. Hey, kids, did you know that monkeys and raccoons make wonderful pets?

Okay, now there’s a reason why we don’t have pet monkeys and raccoons. For one, many monkeys are endangered and having exotic pets aren’t encouraged. Also, monkeys don’t like lollipops. Second, raccoons make terrible pets and many carry rabies.

26. Solve your respiratory ailment with Ayer’s Chery Pectoral.

Now these children aren’t cute at all. In fact, they seem like they’ll haunt your nightmares if you ever give them the time of day. Also, contains opium.

27. This child’s life may depend on the safety of Distaval.

Distaval is Thalidomide which isn’t a safe drug at all. Seriously, as a drug to treat morning sickness, it was withdrawn from general use because it was found to cause severe birth defects when taken during pregnancy. And this ad is telling parents that it’s safe for kids? Seriously, what the fuck?

28. Own a TV because it benefits your children by keeping them in line.

Then again, this ad comes from the 1950s when TV was a new thing an there were only a few channels anyway. Still, you wouldn’t be saying that nowadays.

29. Remember, parents, it’s never too early to get you baby started on 7UP.

Yes, set your little one up with those empty calories that will lead to tooth decay, obesity, Type II diabetes, bone loss, anxiety, sleep deprivation, heart disease, and so much more. Yeah, this picture is a perfect example of bad parenting. I mean babies should never have soft drinks, period.

30. Go to Sears for we have fashionable clothing for chubby children.

For one, how is this girl even chubby? To me, she just looks like a perfectly healthy kid who’s at a normal weight So why the hell is Sears saying she’s fat?

31. In life’s battles, nothing heals wounds like Pond’s Extract.

Sure Pond’s Extract might be handy for cuts, bruises, wounds, and lacerations. However, when it comes to actual life threatening battle wounds, then you’re probably shit out of luck.

32. For all the lonely guys out there, snuggle up with your very own inflatable Love Maid.

Man, these inflatable sex dolls sure seemed to have quite realistic features in the 1970s. Still, it seems like she’s carrying two glasses of poison on the tray for she’s kind of nightmare inducing.

33. Of course, using cuteness in ads will always equal big bucks.

Seriously, now having babies in 7UP ads is one thing. But cigarette ads? Now that’s just fucked up, especially since many babies probably developed asthma due to secondhand smoke.

34. Is “Smoker’s Fag” beginning to get you? Now 90% correctable according to science.

Yeah, it is correctable. Just quit smoking for God’s sake! Still, I think putting a now inflaming gay slur in this ad is quite funny.

35. Coffee addiction hurts families everywhere unless it’s Sanka decaf.

Here’s a scene in which a man’s caffeine habit results in him abusing his kid and enduring sleepless nights. With Sanka his kid no longer fears him and he’s a happy man again. Seriously, this is so twisted.

36. Support the troops, smoke Chesterfields with them.

Note that the nurse in the ad is actress Claudette Colbert. Still, the fact she’s in a nurse’s outfit freely passing out cigarettes is still kind of disconcerting since it kills about a third of its users per year.

37. Tonight’s the night. So get it on with Duraflame.

From looking at this ad, you’d think Duraflame was a drug used to treat erectile dysfunction since it also lasts for 3 hours. It’s actually a company that sells logs for fireplaces. Still, since we have Viagra, this ad is unintentionally hilarious since Duraflame logs are also good for 3 hours.

38. Players Tobacco is Daddy’s favorite because it’s the tobacco that counts.

This little child has toys around him but he’s only playing with his daddy’s cigar. This is pretty disturbing for obvious reasons. Guess he wants to die with his lungs all filled with tar like his daddy.

39. Just a minute, lady, don’t kill yourself over a bad hair day. Try Formula 9 Shampoo.

Hey, lady, I may have a bad hair day now and then. But even then, I never had any suicidal tendencies over it. And my hair’s even more unkempt than that. But still, this is the most disturbing shampoo ad I’ve ever seen in my life.

40. Breathing problems? Well, why don’t you try Dr. Batty’s Asthma cigarettes?

I’m sure that this was an effective treatment for asthma just like inhaling smog and a bunch of harmful chemicals. Also, “not recommended for children under 6.” I wonder why.

41. “Coffee is like a friend, Tiny. When you get a good one, stick to it.”

For one, the elderly captain seems to be on the cusp of dementia. Second, “Tiny” is basically a name you’d hear being called in prison. Third, seems that these guys are discussing coffee with the same seriousness as brain cancer. The captain must be losing it and the other guy feels like he needs to research maritime law and riverboat murder.

42. Choose Kellogg’s Cornflake for the horrifying nutritious breakfast.

Holy shit, seems that Kellogg’s found the kid version of Steve Buscemi, starved him to the brink of death, put a suit on his skeletal frame, gave him food for the first time in 2 weeks, and made a creepy ad out of it.

43. Have a loved one suffering from alcoholism. Then tell them to drink Bogg’s Tawny Port.

Even funnier is that this is a syrup that contains cocaine. Yeah, I’m sure a coke habit will cure anyone of alcoholism. Not.

44. “When he comes home from school hungry, there’s only one way to satisfy him. And me.”

I don’t know about you, but I find this Snickers ad very disturbing. I mean it seems that this mother and son relationship seems more akin to what I’ve seen on The Manchurian Candidate but I’m not so sure about the brainwashing. I mean look at the mom’s face. She just seems so creepy.

45. “Heavens! Buddy must have a girl…..chained to the radiator, more like it.”

Yeah, I think this little psychopath may have been the possible inspiration for Warren Zevon’s “Excitable Boy.”: “And he took little Suzie to the Junior Prom/Excitable boy, they all said/And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home.”

46. New moms, smoke Philip Morris because they can really use a break.

Let’s just say smoking in front of a newborn really is one of the stupidest things you can do as a parent, other than smoking while pregnant. Yeah, baby’s lungs will be full of tar before he or she knows it.

47. Log Cabin: the kind of maple syrup that will turn your kids into Children of the Corn.

Seeing these kids dead soulless eyes makes you wonder if Log Cabin Maple Syrup is just the carmelized blood of their enemies.

48. Have a real roller coaster in your own backyard for $12.95.

Don’t look now but I’m not sure the girl is just waiting her turn for the coaster. She seems more intent to push her brother off it, to put it lightly.

49. “A child isn’t always fibbing when he doesn’t tell the truth,” said Elsie the Borden Cow.

Seems like Elsie and her unnaturally bovine family seem to live under the constant cloud of Elmer the Bull’s unquenchable anger. Seems like the cops will be here with a social worker in 10 minutes time.

50. Jayson Sportswear is the ultimate shirt for every occasion.

I’m sure Jerry and Larry shared a lot of intimate moments in the men’s locker room as well as a passionate love that dare not speak its name.

51. While General Mills had the Jolly Green Giant for their frozen vegetables, Stokely’s had this kid.

Yeah, this boy’s green beans are basically a side for the real main course, the Donner Party special. Seriously, this boy makes me not want to eat my vegetables ever again.

52. Americtex fabric is great for pajamas.

I’m sure Gary and Danny are spending a nice quiet morning at home as all so-called “roommates” do now and then.

53. “Let the tide take her. I won’t.” Because she has a case of halitosis.

Now dumping a girl over bad breath? Really, that’s something you’d see off Seinfeld. I mean how shallow can these guys get in these ads? Sure it’s for Listerine but still.

54. Universal Pajamas….styled for sleep.

And it seems that these two men are looking at some sort of brochure. Planning a vacation together I suppose? Hope people don’t get the wrong idea.

55. On business trips these days, you got to make every minute count. So that’s why O. J. Simpson chooses Hertz.

Let’s hope Hertz didn’t rent him that Bronco he used to try to escape the cops after killing his wife and her boyfriend. Yes, you can see why I couldn’t pass this one up.

56. Roy Rogers heads west on the Pennsylvania Railroad.

I don’t know about you but I don’t think the guy behind this ad had his head screwed on that tight when he came up with the idea of having Roy Rogers with a train between his legs. Yeah, kind of stirs many phallic notions, doesn’t it?

57. Men, aim for sleep and comfort with these one of a kind nightshirts.

I’m sure trying to revive nightshirts in the 1970s really didn’t go so well for whoever advertised this. Seriously, these guys look stupid in them, especially in a diamond pattern. They more or less resemble hospital gowns if you ask me.

58. Ivory Soap: the kind you wash yourself with during a communal bath.

Yes, I’m sure there’s nothing overtly homoerotic about this scene of naked guys congregating together to wash up. Nothing gay at all (sarcasm).

59. Not sure if this kid is eating Franco American pasta or blood soaked entrails.

From the creepy look on this ginger freckled boy’s face, it could be just about anything. Also, why does he have hotdogs beside him? Seriously, why?

60. So whatever happens in the Pacific stays in the Pacific.

Seems like the Pacific Island natives aren’t pleased with the American GIs frolicking with tropical brain fever. Still, there’s a lot of homoerotic subtext I can’t even list here.

61. Ivory Soap: The kind men use during a group shower in the men’s locker room.

Okay, is that somebody’s butt in the background? And is that guy just staring at his naked ass? Seriously, seems like men’s showers are an awkward experience, especially in vintage ads.

62. Baby’s first milestone of eating Campbell’s Soup for the first time. Mmmmmm….salt.

Of course, this might be a baby picture of a potential demon child or serial killer in the making. Seriously, it could almost be Hannibal Lecter in his infancy.

63. When a woman’s five, she needs love.

However, I think this girl needs something more imminent like a soul. From the look in her eyes, she’s basically dead inside.

64. Be really refreshed….graduate to Coke or so says the Wolf of Wall Street.

Still, this girl carrying this boy's books and Coke six pack should soon realize that he's put her in the friendzone because he needs her to do his homework for him as he goes after some prettier chick.

Still, this boy carrying this boy’s books and Coke six pack should probably stop doing the letterman a-hole’s homework and have some fun for a change.

65. Develop a child’s mind, play video games.

Yeah, now we’re bombarded with how video games rot a child’s brain with all the sex and violence in Grand Theft Auto which is rated M for Mature.

66. Bald guys, this kind of hat can help regrow your hair in just 30 days.

However, it comes with major side effects such as looking like a complete idiot in public. Seriously, guys, someone’s going to think you’re part of some cult with that thing on.

67. Moms depend on pork like kids depend on moms. Hmmm…interesting.

I’m sure they’re talking about sausage variety here. I mean the kind of meat you make with a pig’s muscle and entrails. Yeah, I’m sure the other kind is what dads are for.

68. The best things in life come from cellophane.

Maybe, but I’m sure that wrapping your baby in one isn’t great parenting advice. I mean it’s bound to suffocate them which makes the ad ever more disturbing.

69. No kid loves anything more than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch.

I don’t know about this girl. She seems less excited for a PB&J and more consumed with bloodlust and murder. Stay away from her at your own risk.

70. Make every morning a Smirnoff morning.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think having a cigarette and vodka for breakfast is a good sign. Rather I think if you can’t go without a drink before 5 pm, you probably have a drinking problem.

Never Judge a Book By Its Cover- Well, Most of the Time (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 28, 2015

Since I did my two posts on book covers, I could never imagine they would yield me 3,322 views and 266 views respectively. Whether it be books with strange titles and inappropriate cover images or what not, some of the strangest stuff out there somehow gets published. Of course, with some of these covers, you have to wonder whether it’s coming from a vanity publisher that takes anything for a fee, is self-published, or what the hell are these publishers thinking. And if they’re classics, well, when you take a peek at some noticeably inappropriate cover designs, you might want to scratch your head wondering whether they actually read the book or know what the whole story is all about. Then there are some books out there with cover images that might tell you to stay the hell away from the book if your life depends on it. I mean a book suggesting a romance between a woman and a horse may incite readers for the wrong reasons since the concept is just so wrong. So without further adieu, here are some more questionable book cover choices for your reading pleasure. Seriously, you have to see these.

1. Stand Your Ground: The Biblical Foundation for Self-Defense by Steve Jones

Because no old lady with sunglasses should ever leave her home without her Holy Bible and handgun. Sure there’s the thing with “turn the other cheek” but for God’s sake, this is America, goddammit!

Includes a forward by George Zimmerman.

2. Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow by D. T. Hobbs

If it wasn’t for the title, you wouldn’t think it had anything Christian about it. Seriously, when you see pictures of beaches, pools, and sea front stores, do you think of Jesus? No, you think about going on vacation.

Man, this Christian devotional sure has a great cover image of pools and beach fronts.

3. Melanie’s Marvelous Measles by Stephanie Messenger

And I thought a children’s book promoting open carry was bad. This is just seriously fucking insane! I mean there’s nothing awesome getting measles whatsoever! For the love of God, vaccinate your kids! I mean if you’re so worried about your kid having Autism that you’re willing to expose them to potentially fatal childhood diseases, there’s just something fucking wrong with you! I’m sorry, but I’d rather have an Autistic child than a dead child. Seriously, Autism isn’t nearly as bad as having measles.

Or the kind of children’s book for the anti-vaxxer parent to tell their kids, “Enjoy getting measles, kiddos, which might kill you and leave you blind. But, hey, at least you won’t get Autism, which is caused by vaccination.”

4. Demonectomy by Dennis Melton

This would’ve come in handy in a lot horror movies that involves demon possession. And it seems like this guy really needs it. By the way, the guy has his own website all about it.

Finally, book to teach you how to perform your own exorcisms.

5. But…You’re a Horse by David Bussell

Now this bestiality romance novel seems to give the notion of “horseplay” a whole new meaning. Even freakier is that the horse has human hands and might’ve had some Minotaur style conception story.

Charity’s and Sugarloaf’s forbidden love was a real hay ride that could never be tamed in the stable.

6. Herovit’s World by Barry N. Malzberg

Of course, these sci-fi covers can be pretty trippy. Still, I’m not sure whether I’m more surprised with a maneating typewriter on it or just a typewriter. Then again, it seems to come from the 1980s.

Man, I had no idea that we’ll have man eating typewriters in the future.

7. My Best Meat Recipes

From that woman’s face, I’d rather pass the chance of having dinner with her. Her expression reads she might have you in mind as a main course.

Finally, a perfect companion for The Art of Fine Dining by Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

8. A Song for Lya and Other Stories by George R. R. Martin

Man, I’d hate to want to know what all the sky of mouths is all about. Must be a trippy sight even for Westeros and kind of scary, too. Maybe Game of Thrones is a step better than this, at least according to the covers.

From the author of the fantasy series that brings you great characters before killing them, here is his collection of science fiction stories from the 1980s.

9. Bounce the Balls & They Will Come by Betty Wiseman

Now while this might be the kind of inspirational story Bible Belt Christians know and love in their saccharine media stories, the title is just so hard to make me take this book seriously.

Finally, a perfect Christian sports devotional for one’s basketball loving nephew who will be so disappointed after opening it.

10. Experiencing Bible Science: A Lab Book for the Young at Heart by Louise Barrett Derr

Actually my mistake. It’s actually a “science” activity book catered to 10-14 year olds. The fact it probably advocates creationism isn’t a surprise. As a Catholic I believe that God created the universe, world, and life over billions of years and through His great miracles of evolution by natural selection and the Big Bang. This book is pseudoscientific bullshit at best.

Basically, this seems like the kind of science lab textbooks you’d see at Bob Jones University.

11. Precious Princess Bible

Basically this company thinks that put a pink cover with sparkles on it and girls will instantly buy. Nevertheless, at least there are some great female heroes in this like Jael who got a guy drunk and drove a tent peg in his head.

Just like a regular Bible, but with the kind of cover suitable for young girls.

12. Saving Marriage by Applying Biblical Wisdom by Drs. Trevor and Edith Fraser

Seriously, having a fist is basically the last thing you want on a cover pertaining to saving your marriage. It kind of gives the idea that you advocate spousal abuse as a viable solution, which it certainly is not.

Uh, I’m not sure depicting a fist was a great cover choice for this one. You don’t want to get the wrong idea.

13. I Sing the Body Electric by Ray Bradbury

Man, that seems like a cross between a centaur with humans on his hands that resemble him. Now this makes me wonder if Ray Bradbury was on some psychedelic drugs when he thought this would make a great idea for a cover.

Don’t get me wrong, this is supposed to be a great book. However, I think Bradbury’s cover designer got a little carried away with the photoshop on this one.

14. Junkie: Confessions of an Unredeemed Addict by William Lee (William S. Burroughs)

Now this is a book by William S. Burroughs that focuses on his life as a heroin user and dealer during the 1940s. However, the cover seems like some bad shit’s about to go down.

By looking at the cover, I can’t tell whether this is an intervention, drug pushing, murder, or sexual assault.

15. Bread Sculpture: The Edible Art by Ann Wiseman

Now this book has a wide range of bread sculptures in it such as the ladybugs and dinosaurs. However, there are also ones that involve naked people which are just so disturbing. And they even have pubes, yes, bread pubes. Not to mention, it gives the word “doughnut” a whole new meaning.

For those who love erotica and hot crossed buns, this book is for you.

16. “Help Lord – the Devil Wants Me Fat!” by C. S. Lovett

As if dieting books were already bad enough when it comes to fat shaming. This book basically says that overeating and obesity are the work of Satan. And that the only way to lose weight is to stop eating for several days and spend mealtimes away from your family. Seriously.

Now you can trim your way to a healthy body through the Lord.

17. If the Devil Made You Do It, You Blew It! (But It Doesn’t Need to Happen Again) by Lorraine Peterson

Yes, this is a teen devotional with it’s cheesy mandatory diversity photo from the 1980s. However, I suggest a picture of the temptation of Faust by Mephistopheles would be far more appropriate than this.

Now if you had the word, “Devil” on the cover, I’m not sure having a stock photo with happy diverse kids is an appropriate cover image.

18. Die You Doughnut Bastards by Cameron Pierce

Excerpt from Amazon. com: “The bacon storm is rolling in. We hear the grease and sugar beat against the roof and windows. The doughnut people are attacking. We press close together, forgetting for a moment that we hate each other.” Still, I’m sure seeing zombie doughnuts on the cover may remind some people of their horrible acid trip at Krispy Kreme.

Of course, this book might scare you out staying clear from Dunkin’ Doughnuts from now on.

19. Eight Men and a Lady by Elizabeth Sinclair

I’m sure looking at all the guys’ hats on the cover you might be expecting an orgy with Snow White, the Prince, and the seven dwarfs. Please, I don’t want to imagine it.

Seems to go on the same story line as “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” but with far more sex.

20. Daggers of Darkness by Steve Jackson and Joe Livingstone

Now this looks dangerous. Doesn't help that he has a nasty weapon that could rip his eye out. But I'm not sure if the cover artist cared.

Now this looks dangerous. Doesn’t help that he has a nasty mace that could rip his eye out. But I’m not sure if the cover artist cared.

Because nothing draws in adolescent boys than a bald guy waterskiing on his sabertooth tigers with his hawk friend.

21. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Yeah, Mr. Darcy sure is dangerous all right (sarcasm). Still, Darcy's actually all right once you get to know him. Nevertheless, it's kind of funny he looks like Colin Firth in this. Yet, the real bad boy in this is actually George Wickam.

Yeah, Mr. Darcy sure is dangerous all right (sarcasm). Still, Darcy’s actually all right once you get to know him. But I’m not sure why this cover should depict him as a young Colin Firth with chest hair. Not sure if I want to see his Fitzwilliam.

Parents, lock your daughters, for bad boy Mr. Darcy is in town!

22. King Arthur’s Knights by Henry Gilbert

Seriously, how can someone mistake a couple of Indian horsemen as King Arthur’s knights. For God’s sake, King Arthur is a medieval English king! He may not be real but, still. These two guys look like they’re in the service of Geronimo.

No, I’m sure Medieval England didn’t look like a New Mexican desert.

23. The Lost Princess of Oz by L. Frank Baum

This woman is Emily Bronte who's best known for writing Wuthering Heights during the early Victorian Era of the 19th century. She died of tuberculosis at 30 in 1848, which was 8 years before L. Frank Baum was even born. So her presence on an Oz book doesn't make any damn sense.

This woman is Charlotte Bronte who’s best known for writing Jane Eyre during the early Victorian Era of the 19th century. She died of some disease at 38 in 1855 while pregnant, which was the year before L. Frank Baum was even born. So her presence on an Oz book doesn’t make any damn sense.

For the love of God what the hell is a Bronte sister doing on an Oz book cover?

24. Saturday Morning Mind Control by Phil Phillips

Now this book is certainly for Christian audiences that says the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are a cult while the Care Bears are about non Christian attitudes and beliefs. Yes, Saturday morning cartoons are brainwashing our children as we speak! That doesn’t even mention that watching Casper and the Smurfs will prepare kids for the occult. Nevertheless, this book is written by a guy who really doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Remember, parents, don’t let your kids watch Saturday morning cartoons or else Raphael from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will zap them through the TV with his cosmic rays.

25. All That the Rain Promises and More…: A Hip Pocket Guide to Western Mushrooms by Dave Arora

Yeah, I think this trombonist seems like he wants to poison somebody. Maybe it’s the concert master for disappointing him that the his instrument doesn’t get the melody part in “Seventy-Six Trombones.”

I don’t know about you but from the look at the guy’s face, I’m not sure if I want to eat that.

26. Life and Public Services of John Quincy Adams by William H. Seward

Now this is a book about the 6th President of the United States who also had an illustrious political career. And it was written by William Seward who was Lincoln’s Secretary of State responsible for buying Alaska. So why the hell are there moai statues on the cover? They’re in South America, goddammit!

Since what do the moai statues in Easter Island have anything to do with the life of John Quincy Adams?

27. Wrestling for Gay Guys by Donald Black

Okay, that looks kind of gay. Then again, after watching Foxcatcher, you wonder if wrestling is such a manly sport that the movie might have some homoerotic undertones.

Finally a book for all the gay wrestlers out there.

28. In the Heart of Africa by Sir Samuel White Baker

Now even if you haven’t read this or even heard of this book, anyone who knows the slightest bit about Africa should know that it doesn’t look like the freaking Himalayas.

I don’t remember reading about Africa and hearing about its snowcapped peaks and Mongol hordes, not to be critical.

29. Wessex Tales by Thomas Hardy

What's even more disturbing is that this image might be taken off from Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock. Now I'd wonder what Thomas Hardy would've thought of

What’s even more disturbing is that this image might be taken off from Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock. Now I’d wonder what 19th century Victorian author Thomas Hardy would’ve thought of “Sweet Child of Mine.”

No, this isn’t a book about Slash. Sorry, Guns n’ Roses fans.

30. Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe

Now Moll Flanders is the kind of book you'd want your daughter to read if she's younger than 12 so to speak. I mean Moll Flanders is a con woman who's married 5 times, has a kid with her brother, abandons her kids, and other things. Definitely not a role model for your daughter.

Now Moll Flanders is not the kind of book you’d want your daughter to read if she’s younger than 12 so to speak. I mean Moll Flanders is a con woman and a prostitute who’s married 5 times, sleeps with her brother, abandons her kids, and other things. Definitely not a role model for your daughter.

I’m sorry but I’m sure Daniel Defoe’s heroine wasn’t a Viking warrior princess.

31. Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle

Seriously, androids didn’t exist in the late 19th century. And this guy doesn’t even seem dressed as a Victorian. So why he’s on the cover of a Sherlock Holmes book just beats me.

Hey, Sherlock Holmes wasn’t an android. Does this guy think there’s a story called “The Search for the Missing Terminator”?

32. Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson

Now Treasure Island takes place in the 17th century during the Golden Age of Piracy. Sure it’s not really an accurate piece about pirates since they didn’t bury treasure. However, Stevenson makes no mention of bicycles in the text, which weren’t invented until the late 19th century. By then, Stevenson was dead.

There’s supposed to be a ship on the cover not of two people cycling in the rain for God’s sake!

33. Ass Goblins of Auschwitz by Cameron Pierce

Now despite the creature being as creepy as hell, this book is hard to take seriously once you see the word, “ass” in the title. I mean ass goblins, seriously?

Nazi goblins with the chests of a human posterior. Must’ve been written on drugs.

34. Merlin’s Ring by H. Warner Munn

Of course, you probably don’t want to run into these animals in the park anytime soon. Swans are quite mean but a fire breathing one? Yeah, only cool for awhile until they’re coming after you.

Now a fire breathing dragon is one thing. A fire breathing swan? Don’t know what to think of that.

35. Joined at Birth: The Lives of Cojoined Twins by Elaine Landau

Yes, cojoined twins are out there and I’m sure there’s nothing horrifying about this book. But the cover, maybe you’d wonder whether they should’ve hired a different illustrator.

Now I know we should accept cojoined twins but still, this cover is creepy.

36. The Right to Arm Bears by Gordon R. Dickson

Man, maybe we should e-mail our congressmen to increase funding for the National Park Service. I really have a bad feeling about the Grizzly uprising against campers in the western National Parks come tourist season.

Look out, all you hikers out there, Sergeant Grizz is going commando. Give him all your food or else he’d nail you with his AK-47.

37. Nights of the Living Hell by Deborah Barton

Now that kind of looks like the covered bridge near where I live. And I don’t remember it having fangs and red eyes, which are obviously drawn for the cover.

Seems like this Covered Bridge of Death is hungry for cars and pedestrians.

38.The Nuclear War Fun Book

Includes ideas for games like Mark the Mutant, Connect the Craters, Radioactive Tag, and Body Count. Has a History Mystery Quiz and Paper Doll Nuclear Wardrobe. Also includes tips for a fallout shelter library and pharmacy. Yes, this is the book for your kids to do while their whole world is incinerated by a nuclear apocalypse.

In case your kids get bored during the upcoming nuclear holocaust, this is the educational activity book for them.

39. Tales of Chinatown by Sax Rohmer

This is mad King Ludwig II’s fairytale Neuschwanstein Castle in Southwest Bavaria, Germany. There is absolutely nothing Chinese about this very European structure. So putting a cover on a book about Chinatown absolutely makes no sense whatsoever.

Hey, that doesn’t look anything like Chinese architecture. Seems like Rohmer’s Yellow Peril stereotypes based on wild misinformation.

40. Gladiator At-Law by Frederick Pohl and C. M. Kornbluth

And here is the guy on the computer with his shirt ripped who can’t watch. But from how I see it, it seems way lamer than The Hunger Games.

Nothing says science fiction like scantily clad guys fighting each other to the death with lightsabers.

41. How to Land a Top Paying Pierogie Maker’s Job by Ashley McFadden

Now if it wasn’t for the title, I would’ve saw it as a book on how to get a job. Seriously, it just looks so generic, it could be about anything. At least a pierogie picture would’ve made sense.

Now if you have a book about being a pierogie maker, shouldn’t there be a pierogie on the cover? Just saying.

42. Black Redneck vs. Space Zombies by Steven Roy

“Say hello, to my lady Sweet Lorraine, you motherfuckers.” Black redneck cowboy firing his pistol at space zombies. Now I’ve seen everything.

Now it seems only D’Angelo “Tex” Wallace can only save the day from the savage zombie apocalypse from outer space.

43. Rodent Mutation by Bron Lee

Man, didn’t these people know that beavers are actually vegetarians, not man eating monsters. Still, other than its size, the giant beavers don’t seem that scary at all. I mean what’s the worst they could do? Build a dam?

Ahh! There are giant beavers in the woods! Run for your lives!

44. To Your Scattered Bodies Go by Philip Jose Farmer

Now I don’t know what’s creepier about the cover: the naked man with the strategically placed award sticker or the guy on the floating platform with the top hat and cane.

Now that’s a strategically placed award sticker. Right on his crotch.

45. Han Solo’s Revenge by Brian Daley

Han Solo may always shoot first. But it appears that Chewie might be out for blood by the expression his face and how he’s holding his gun.

More like Chewbacca’s Revenge to me.

46. Stress Pattern by Neal Barrett Jr.

From the description, it’s said the phallic thing is actually called a “worm way” which is a subway in this book’s bizarre universe. Also, seems one the humans is wearing a tin hat to keep safe from the aliens.

Wonder if that stress pattern is a sci-fi novel about erectile dysfunction.

47. The M. D. She Had to Marry by Christine Rimmer

Seems like nothing says romance than having to marry a sexy doctor in a shotgun wedding after he knocked you up after a one night stand. Of course, it’s a fantasy.

The baby with the engagement ring is a clear strangulation hazard.

48. Timepivot by Brian N. Ball

Art must’ve been inspired by Dali, Magritte, or brown acid. Seems like the Galactic Federation has some explaining to do.

Seems like this beach beauty is all ear and nose. Also, what’s with the floating eyeball?

49. Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe

Okay, seems like these two may be on a deserted island. But I don’t see how this nude rape scene has anything to do with being stranded on a deserted island that doesn’t seem to have any women around.

I haven’t read the book but I’m sure that there aren’t any white women in it, let alone rape.

50. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

Sorry, all you raging hormonal adolescent boys out there, but this isn’t a book about a courageous nude saving a bunch of bodacious babes from Martian cities.

Now this is a book pertaining to an alleged utopian society where people’s social roles are determined while they’re test tube babies. But you wouldn’t know it by the cover.

51. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

Then again, Frankenstein’s Monster on this cover seems to have an emo thing going on. Maybe he should stop worrying about trying to win Victor’s love and join a hair metal band.

It’s one thing to be a hideous monster revived by dead tissue and electricity. But how did Frankenstein’s monster manage to find a hair stylist who would take him?

52. Where’s the Poop? by Julie Markes and illustrated by Kathleen Susan Hartung

Then again, children do poop so there’s no excuse not to write a children’s book about it. Of course, we all know that the animals see no need of indoor plumbing and flush toilets.

Now we all can guess that, at least when it comes to people.

53. West of January by Dave Duncan

Now I know that Orcas are among the Oceans’ top predators, they’re also seen as adorable animals which makes this cover hard to take seriously.

Some near nude guys surf on tigers, others on killer whales.

54. The Far Arena by Richard Ben Sapir

Now I’m sure the naked gladiator is totally shitting himself right as he sees the large mysterious flying object in the sky that resembles no bird he’s ever seen.

Can anyone tell me why there’s a large jet aircraft flying over ancient Rome?

55. Strip Mauled edited by Esther Friesner

I’m sure Mr. Werewolf and Ms. Vampire wouldn’t act so polite while at tea. Also, I wonder why the vampire lady is dressed like she has a second job at the ye Olde Transylvania strip club.

Who figured that on a night like this all your fantasy horror creatures would have a midnight tea social?

56. Slave Ship by Frederik Pohl

Of course, I’m not sure why an orangutan and a seal are in the picture either. Still, seems like this guy is listening to his CD while giving the animals directions. Hardly a situation in humans in chattel.

Well, being on a slave ship doesn’t seem that bad if there’s a puppy involved.

57. The Gay Old Boys of Yale! A Book of Wit and Humor: Showing the Scrapes and Escapes of College Life (1869) by John Denison Vose

Even funnier is that it was published by Kissinger Legacy Reprints. Then again, Henry Kissinger was a Harvard man so why his name be on the cover of a Yale book is anyone's guess.

Guess the only gay action in this book involves rich guys randomly hooking up with each other after a boozy fest at their frats. I’m sure 1869 would have no shortage of that. Then again, the title is still pretty funny.

Too bad this volume of the Gay Old Boys of Yale doesn’t include Cole Porter who often pops into my mind when I hear about LGBT Yale alumni.

58. The Pocket Book of Boners: An Omnibus of School Boy Howlers and Unconscious Humor illustrated by Dr. Seuss

Of course, when this title referred to “boners” I’m sure they didn’t mean “erections” but I’m sure no adolescent school boy wouldn’t want to have one during class.

“Boners,” “unconscious humor” I wonder what dirty stuff that would entail?

59. Images You Should Not Masturbate To

Still, I don’t know why anyone would jerk off to a naked old guy wielding an ax on the water. I don’t see how such an image can turn anyone on in any way.

Yes, that would be an image nobody should masturbate to. I think we can all agree on that.

60. Make Your Own Sex Toys

However, if you chose to make a wooden dildo, remember that there’s a chance for splinters if you don’t varnish them. Seriously, I’d hate to see the stuff they make in this one.

Because why go and buy expensive sex toys at the naughty shop when you can make your own?

College Mascots: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 19, 2015

Of course, another big event around this time of year other than Easter and Saint Patrick’s day is March Madness. Namely this is the time of year when the best NCAA Division I basketball teams across the United States play in the NCAA Tournament. Meanwhile fans across the nation complete their brackets and predict which team will win. Of course, owing that women’s sports don’t get much airtime (rampant sexism that even Title IX can’t remedy), March Madness usually revolves around the men’s teams. However, we’re also flooded by news reports on how college sports are such a big cash cow which profit the colleges and coaches while the players receive absolutely no compensation as pawns since they’re student athletes. Nevertheless, I used this occasion to challenge myself to find 75 more abhorrent college mascots across the land after my last college mascot post. Though it took longer, I was successful in my endeavors. So without further adieu, here are more college mascots you that make your super lame mascot seem awesome. Note that not all mascots presented here are currently competing in the NCAA tournament, especially those featured in my previous mascot post in August. Hell, some aren’t even Division I do begin with. Also, go VCU Rams since my sister attends there.

1. Sparty – Michigan State University Spartans

Though more accurate Spartan warrior costume than those speedo clad guys from 300, he nevertheless gives the kind of vibe of, “I’m going to conquer your land and your people.”

2. George Washington – George Washington University Colonials

Possibly one of the worst renditions of the first US president I’ve ever seen. Kind of borders between defamatory and terrifying at the same time. Seriously, I’m sure no British soldier can shit as fast than in the sight of this monstrosity.

3. Big Jay – Kansas University Jayhawks

Look, I know that a Jayhawk is a made up bird solely to use as a school mascot. However, from what I see, this neither resembles a Blue Jay or a hawk of any kind. Rather it reminds me of a chicken.

4. Boxer – Pacific University Boxers

Now how in the hell does this look like a boxer? Seriously, it more or less resembles a terrifying rusty gargoyle than any breed of dog. Either that, or an alien from outer space.

5. Thunder – Wheaton College Mastodons

Now Wheaton College has the mastodon as its mascot mainly because they house a whole mastodon skeleton on the campus. However, Thunder's appearance makes him more suitable for a children's book than as a college mascot.

Now Wheaton College has the mastodon as its mascot mainly because some of its faculty had excavated a mastodon skeleton on a judge’s property, which is now on display at the campus. However, Thunder’s appearance makes him more suitable for a children’s book than as a college sports mascot. In short, he doesn’t live up to his name.

6. The Gull – Endicott College Gulls

Now I don’t know about you but I think this Jonathan Livingston Seagull here seems to have murder on the mind from what I can tell from his face. That or he just doesn’t care for photo ops for some reason.

7. Gnome Ranger – San Antonio College

Okay, this is just crazy? I mean this school’s mascot is basically a garden ornament decked with western lawman garb and a red sombrero. What’s even crazier is that SAC is a community college which doesn’t even have an athletic program. Seriously, I checked the site no sign of extracurricular activities on there, let alone sports.

8. Shuckie and Pearl – St. Mary’s University, Texas Rattlers

To be fair, St. Mary’s Texas usual mascot is Rattleman which is a blue snake with his tongue sticking out. Shuckie and Pearl are just mascots for a campus event called the Oyster Bake. Nevertheless, as to why these exist, why one is upside down while the other wears a sombrero, and why a Texas college has an event like this at all, I don’t have the slightest idea.

9. Willie the Wildcat – Kansas State University Wildcats

Seems as if when it came time to design the costume, someone must’ve said, “How about let’s save money for a full costume and just have it consist of just a scary wildcat head with a jersey instead? It’ll save the college a lot of money and time in the long run.” Nevertheless, I find a ferocious cat head on a person’s body rather terrifying if you ask me.

10. Will D. Cat – Villanova University Wildcats

Make no mistake, this cat really makes me uncomfortable just looking at it. Must be the eyes or the intensity. Still, he seems like he’s about to go into a homicidal rage at any moment.

11. Herbie Husker – University of Nebraska-Lincoln Cornhuskers

Okay, looking at him, you’d think he’d be the kind of western farmer type who’d probably run over you in a John Deere or Ford pickup accident after leaving this bar. And he will show no remorse whatsoever. Now he’s asking for another round of drinks.

12. Rip Tide – Tulane University Green Wave

Now the pelican mascot is understandable with Tulane being in Louisiana. However, the green feathers and the crazy smile are kind of disconcerting. Seems like he’s been to too many Mardis Gras parties in New Orleans. Also, when it came to naming it most of the college students wanted it to be, “Pecker” but it was named “Riptide” for obvious reasons.

13. Alex – Hamilton College Continentals

Looking at this creepy caricature of Alexander Hamilton, it almost makes Aaron Burr shooting him almost justifiable homicide. Man, I can’t even imagine what he intends to do with that girl.

14. The Explorer – La Salle University Explorers

Now there was an actual La Salle who explored and claimed the Lousiana Territory for France. This guy seems what George Armstrong Custer would look like if he dyed his hair black prior to the Battle of Little Bighorn.

15. Ichabod – Wasburn University Ichabods

When I hear the name “Ichabod,” I don’t think a badass sports time despite that Washburn’s was founded by a guy with that name. Nevertheless, I expect this Ichabod would basically scare the bejesus out of the Headless Horseman on any day of the week.

16. Bearcat – University of Cincinnati Bearcats

Now my college mascot was a bearcat but basically looked like a cougar. However, this is actually supposed to resemble a bearcat which is an animal from Southeast Asia that is neither bear nor cat. Not to mention, isn’t even intimidating. Seriously, Cinci should just pick something that lives in Ohio as their mascot like a coyote.

17. John Harvard – Harvard University Crimson

So this gives me an impression that John Harvard was present at the first Thanksgiving, died of some 17th century plague or was executed for witchcraft, and rose out of his grave as a zombie. Still, you’d think a prestigious rich kid school like Harvard would have a better mascot than this.

18. Screamer – York College of Pennsylvania Spartans

I have to admit, Screamer does live up to his name since he seems like some sort of crazed muppet psychokiller you’d find on Sesame Street. Seriously, he seems like he’s just broke out of the Sesame Street ABC Mental Hospital for the Criminally Insane and is out to kill again.

19. Kingsman and Regal – California Lutheran University Kingsmen and Regals

Little did you know that the CLU outfits for Kingsman and Regal were originally designed for a French duo named Daft Punk. However, they thought these outfits were totally stupid. Either that, or they’re probably aliens from outer space.

20. Smokey – University of Tennessee Volunteers

To be fair, Tennessee actually has a live mascot called Smokey IX of the same dog breed. However, this mascot seems less likely to rip your arm off than inspiring people to hug him.

21. Bobby the Beacon – University of Massachusetts Boston Beacons

Okay, now I have 2 gripes about this one. For one, I have no idea why anyone would want their mascot to be a freaking inanimate building, lighthouse or not. Second, there’s something not right about his smile. Seriously, why does this guy even exist?

22. The Green Terror – McDaniel College Green Terror

Well, he’s certainly a green terror. I mean he’s just as scary as hell as if from a 1950s horror movie or the Donnie Darko bunny’s not so scary younger brother. Also, after this photo was taking, Angela was never seen again.

23. Lord Jeff – Amherst College Lord Jeffs

This British Lord mascot creepy is beyond belief. But we have to accept that despite him being know as an Brit aristocrat and French and Indian War veteran, the real Jeffery Amherst is alleged to give blankets infected with smallpox to the Indians. Make that what you will.

24. Gompei the Goat – Worcester Polytechnic Institute Engineers

Now while some goats tend to chew on tin cans and vegetation, Gompei the Goat desires none other than the taste of human flesh since he’s been infected by some mad goat disease.

25. Sammy the Owl – Rice University Owls

If this guy was in the Tootsie Pop commercials, I bed he’d devour the kid after he bites into the Tootsie Roll encrusted lollipop. Seriously, he just terrifies me if you look in his eyes.

26. Albert and Alberta Gator – Florida University Gators

By the look at these, they seem like a couple of wimps who should’ve devoured Tim Tebow when they had the chance. Seriously, they may appear lame but they’re freaking gators for God’s sake.

27. Andy the Ant – Missouri State University Bears

Basically he’s the mascot of the college’s Student Activities Council. Still, he looks more like Skeeter and Scooter’s burned out brother with antennas than anything.

28. Nick L. Mole – California State University, Fresno Bulldogs

To be fair, Nick Mole is actually the mascot of the school’s chemistry club but he does show to athletic events. He was developed to be more kid friendly. However, why the Fresno chemistry club thought they needed a mascot, I’ll never know.

29. Kaboom – Bradley University Braves

Said to be the scariest college mascot in the country by many since he had to replace the horrid Native American mascot the college once had. However, I’ve seen scarier gargoyles in Disney cartoons. Besides, I don’t know what the association is between gargoyles and explosives.

30. Builderman – Newport News Apprentice School Builders

Now Builderman may not come from a “college” per se but The Apprentice School is a post-secondary institution nonetheless. However, I’d hate to see him on the bleachers with the kiddies. But why a vocational school should have a mascot, I have no idea.

31. Butch T. Cougar – Washington State University Cougars

While I can agree he’s a cougar, I’m not sure if I’d call him butch. Seriously, he seems like he has issues with his masculinity or something. Also, quite dopey and not very intimidating.

32. The Tiger – Clemson University Tigers

Seems like Clemson doesn’t administer drug tests for their mascot candidates. I mean the Tiger certainly has eyes of someone who’s totally high on brown acid or crystal meth.

33. Big Al – Alabama University Crimson Tide

Now the Crimson Tide is actually a nice team nickname for a college, especially one like Alabama. However, why the school thought they needed a dopey elephant as their mascot, I have no idea. Seriously, elephants aren’t crimson and don’t even live in Alabama. And this guy seems more appropriate for a children’s book.

34. Cosmo the Cougar – Brigham Young University Cougars

Of course, if I was a parent, I’d certainly not want this mascot near my kids. Reminds me of some depraved freak you might see at some furry convention, possibly on some Sex Offender List of some sort.

35. King Triton – University of California San Diego Tritons

Not to be confused with Ariel’s dad from The Little Mermaid who’s also King Triton. However, why this guy has white hair but washboard abs, I have no idea. Also, seems kind of skeevy by the looks of him.

36. Big Red – Dension University Big Red

Sure he’s a buzzard but he doesn’t seem at all intimidating as the possible Native American mascot he replaced. But he loves to lounge around. Also, he seems to resemble a crane than a buzzard or an alien from outer space.

37. Denver Boone – University of Denver Pioneers

Now Boone was the official mascot for DU until he was forced to retire in 1998 over concerns that he represented the Western extinction of Native American culture. He now serves in an unofficial capacity. Still, controversial or not, I wouldn’t want to go anywhere near him.

38. Gus the Gorilla – Pittsburg State University Gorillas

Now despite the name, this is a Kansas school. However, a mascot that has a guy in a gorilla suit may be intimidating but is very hard to take seriously. Doesn’t seem too happy in this picture and his shirt is too small.

39. The Duke – Duquesne University Dukes

Now Duquesne was named after a French Marquis who died during the French and Indian War. Still, seems like he’s a creepy yet entitled rich guy who thinks asking for welfare is a sin. Sorry, Mom, buy your alma mater mascot sucks.

40. Sammy Bearkat – Sam Houston State University Bearkats

Sammy had always aspired to be the mascot of Doritos since he had the orange fur nailed flat. But after being rejected by Frito Lay for drug use, decided to be a mascot for SHSU instead.

41. Phlash the Phoenix – University of Wisconsin Green Bay Phoenix

It seems that Phlash the Phoenix obtained his green color after perishing and being reborn after a severe nuclear accident. Still, when it comes to phoenixes, Phlash is kind of on the wuss side, big time.

42. Ben and John – Franklin & Marshall College Diplomats

These two remind me less of Benjamin Franklin and John Marshall and more like a younger but creepier Colonial American Statler and Waldorf. Their eyes reveal they are dead inside and hungry for your soul.

43. Camel – Connecticut College Camels

Now a camel mascot is lame enough. But this one seems to have a Loch Ness elongated neck really makes it seem like a terrifying monster. Also the green balloons don’t help his case.

44. The Griffin – College of William and Mary Tribe

Fantasy creature hybrid of an eagle and a lion which doesn’t make any sense as well as seems like the kind of mascot a college had to adopt after their Indian mascot was deemed offensive. Seriously, William and Mary’s sports team is the Tribe whereas the Griffin is a Middle Eastern mythological creature. A hawk would’ve been a better choice.

45. General Herkimer – Herkimer County Community College

Sure he was named after a Revolutionary War general but there’s just something disturbing about him for some reason, perhaps of the used car salesman variety. I just can’t name it off the top of my head.

46. Herky the Hawk – University of Iowa Hawkeyes

Now Herky is a fine menacing hawk as a mascot. However, I think the helmet is just a bit too much so to speak. I don't know.

Now Herky is a fine menacing hawk as a mascot. However, I think the helmet is just a bit too much so to speak and the heat looks so unnatural. I don’t know.

47. Aubie the Tiger – Auburn University Tigers

Now I know that tigers are supposed to be pierce. But this one seems bound to lose to Tigger in a fight despite the latter is a character in a Disney cartoon. Also, refuses to appear on ESPN probably because he doesn’t want anyone to make fun of him.

48. Killian – Iona College Gaels

If he was a mascot for Notre Dame, he would’ve been perfect. However, as a mascot for Iona College, he seems like a burly man of Gaelic-Irish descent who’s about to rob us blind. Really bad Irish stereotyping on the school’s part.

49. Joe Vandal – University of Idaho Vandals

Probably has a tendency to be mistaken for a Viking despite the helmet design that states that, “All Germanic Dark Ages invaders are all alike.” Also, would you trust a guy named “Joe Vandal” with your things? No.

50. Kangaroo – Austin College Kangaroos

For one, kangaroos live in Australia and don’t frequent Austin City Limits. Second, this one seems like a freaky dope on acid or something. I mean it just seems like something’s not right. Third, it has a pouch but I’m not sure if it’s male or female because so many guy kangaroos have been depicted with them.

51. Lance Lute – Pacific Lutheran University Lutes

Now this knight in shining armor makes a perfectly fine mascot. However, I have to complain to the college on what the hell kind of name is Lance Lute? It’s a stupid name. Seriously, why?

52. Lobo Louie and Lucy – University of New Mexico Lobos

I don’t know what these two coyotes are on but they seem to be regular customers of some genius chemistry teacher from Albuquerque. They particularly loved his blue variety and have a preference for Los Pollos Hermanos chicken.

53. Privateer Pete – State University of New York Maritime Privateers

“Hello, I’m an upper class twit who likes to rob stuff from cargo ships and sell them on the shore. Look at my awesome suit and cravat, bitches. Also, despite how fresh water is precious, I always shave.”

54. Chief Osceola – Florida State University Seminoles

Now I know that Florida State has permission from the tribe to use the name. But even so, this Native American mascot is bound to offend some people, especially if he’s played by a white guy.

55. The Wombat – University of Wisconsin-Sheboygan Wombats

I guess the reason why UWS has the Wombat mascot is that nobody else had one. However, wombats are Australian marsupials who aren’t known for being badass. Also, that doesn’t even look like a wombat but something much creepier.

56. Lu Wolf – Loyola University of Chicago Wolfpack

“Just because I have a squeaky clean record doesn’t mean I’m any less capable of robbing you or eating your babies. Because I am.” Seems like this guy was thrown out of his pack for financially screwing over his family or some other heinous misdeed.

57. The Patriot – George Mason University Patriots

I don’t know about you but I don’t think our Founding Fathers took to face painting during the American Revolution, save perhaps for The Boston Tea Party and certainly not in those colors. Also, quite terrifying.

58. Swoop – University of Utah Utes

I know he’s supposed to replace the previous Native American mascot who was drummed out for various reasons. Still, I can’t tell whether Swoop is supposed to be a hawk or a vulture. Either way, he’ll sure love the taste of human flesh which has resulted in many disappearances at Ute games.

59. Milo the Lynx – University of Colorado Denver Lynx

Now this cat seems like he’s woken up on the wrong side of the bed and is really not in the mood for a photo op at all. Also, after this photo, Alicia was found to be brutally mauled afterwards. The culprit has never been caught.

60. Aztec Warrior – San Diego State University Aztecs

Seems like San Diego is going with a Native American mascot known to offend Indians and Mexicans alike as well as was notorious for committing large numbers of human sacrifices consisting of captives in battle. Controversial? I’ll say.

61. Polar Bear – Bowdoin College Polar Bears

Now this school has been known to produce alumni like Nathaniel Hawthorne, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Admiral Robert Peary, General Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain, and Dr. Alfred Kinsey. However, its mascot is basically a polar bear which is from the North Pole and seems like it could appear in a children’s book. Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain would’ve made a better choice.

62. Oswald the Penguin – Clark College Penguins

Not only is this not an intimidating mascot and is quite freaky with a tie, it also shares a name with the Penguin from Batman who’s also called Oswald. Seriously, I think the Penguin from Batman would’ve been a better mascot choice here. Still, it’s said he’s supposed to be from the Galapagos but I don’t understand what the hell he’s doing in Vancouver Washington.

63. Powercat – University of the Pacific Tigers

Or as I call him, “Soulless Eyes Cat Willing to Devour You.” Seriously, this tiger gives me the creeps as if he sees a coed as a potential meal or a virgin sacrifice.

64. The Anchorman – Rhode Island College Anchormen

Somebody get Ron Burgundy right away so he can replace this creepy sailor who seems likely to go homicidal any minute now. Seriously, this guy is just terrifying and will make babies scream.

65. Red Raider- Texas Tech University Red Raiders

Or as I call him, Yosemite Sam’s estranged and less successful brother who has the exact same rage issues. But at least he likes wearing white and whipping out his pistols. But he’s unhappy that he doesn’t get to shoot anyone in the audience.

66. Rudy Flyer – University of Dayton Flyers

To be fair, this is an appropriate mascot since Dayton was the hometown of the Wright Brothers. However, the fact he keeps his goggles on gives me the impression he’s a mad scientist in his spare time.

67. Molly Ann – Southern Arkansas University Muleriders

Yes, the Muleriders do exist. However, mules are basically sterile hybrids of donkey dads and horse moms and I’m sure nobody would want to ride one. Also, I hope she’s not weighing the mule down, if it is one.

68. Scrappy the Mockingbird – University of Tennessee Chattanooga Mocs

Scrappy is supposed to be a mockingbird but he certainly doesn’t look like one. In fact, he kind of reminds me of some sort of ugly buzzard or something. Then again, all bird mascots seem to resemble birds of prey these days, even those that are certainly not supposed to be.

69. Temoc – University of Texas Dallas Comets

Even with flaming red hair and Cheshire cat grin, Temoc couldn’t overcome his chronic lameness as a mascot since he looked too much of a reject from Sesame Street. Of course, he didn’t get in due to his addiction to blue meth.

70. Pirate – Seton Hall Pirates

Now there’s nothing wrong with a school having a pirate mascot. However, a pirate mascot with a blue and white painted face? What the fuck? Seriously, why? Looks like an angry smurf.

71. Spirit the Seawolf – University of Alaska Anchorage Seawolves

Just because something looks good on a totem pole as indigenous art, doesn’t mean it will make a good mascot. Sure he’s supposed to be a seawolf but it seems like he seems to be an offspring of the Loch Ness Monster and a Mustang.

72. Matty the Matador – California State University Northridge Matadors

I’m sure this guy isn’t meant to offend Hispanics despite creepiness. However, I have to admit a school with a mascot of a profession known for committing acts of bovine cruelty is certainly not going to score brownie points with PETA.

73. Vili the Warrior – University of Hawaii Manoa

Okay, now I’m sure Hawaii has a lot of Polynesians in the area. But I can’t help that he seems to embody the offensive savage native sacrifice your white women persona as I see it. I’m not sure if he’s still the school’s mascot or not to be honest.

74. Hey Reb – University of Nevada Las Vegas Rebels

For one, having a Confederate mascot in Nevada makes absolutely no sense even if your team is named the rebels. Second, he looks as if he’s Yosemite Sam’s virulently racist old man when you look at the angry scowl and mustache. Third, is that blood on his hands?

75. Terrier – Wofford College Terriers

Now I know that mascots are supposed to bring school spirit and cheer. But no matter how you look at him, this mascot seems quite grim and defunct of all positive energy even in photo ops. Really can use some anti-depressants if you know what I mean. That, or anger management.

Fun with Easter Eggs

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 13, 2015

Of course, I couldn’t do some posts on Easter without leaving a key tradition: Easter eggs. Now while many believe that Easter eggs once traditionally celebrated as a symbol of fertility and rebirth, in Christianity, they symbolized Jesus’s empty tomb, which in its own twisted way is quite appropriate. However, many don’t know that dying and painting eggs is among one of the older Easter traditions. Most of the time they’re usually chicken eggs, mostly hard boiled. Yet, we also have eggs of plastic and chocolate as well. Of course, while many eggs may just have one color on them, others can be in rather elaborate designs. Then there are some that go on a whole different level such as depicting pop culture icons and such. In this post, you’ll see the many ways people decorate Easter eggs you might not be familiar with. So without further adieu, I shall present these to you.

1. Happy Easter from the wonderful world of Disney.

Of course, these are much better drawings than I could’ve ever done. Then again, I don’t remember the rabbits on top. Guess this person ran out of ideas.

2. “I see a red egg and I want it painted black/No colors any more, I want them to turn black.”

Seems like the Rolling Stones haven’t aged a bit. Then again, they were just as ugly as they are now. Still, hate to find an egg that resembles Keith Richards.

3. Since Easter’s a religious holiday, I couldn’t leave out eggs with Christian motifs.

Now the crucifixion one is about the goriest Easter egg I’ve ever seen so far. Then again, I can’t argue about that being appropriate.

4. Performing on the Easter stag with “Bennie and the Jets,” may I present to you Sir Elton John.

Now this is a perfect Easter egg of Elton John, costume and all with all those feathers like in his heyday during the 1970s. Of course, that will have to come to an end in the 1980s.

5. And everyone assumed that Paul was scrambled in the advent of the Abbey Road album.

I’ll be putting a few Beatles stuff in my post on Easter eggs. This is from the Abbey Road album, which was one of their last collaborations. Still, love it how they’re playing in a band on this one.

6. Celebrate your Easter with the magic of Stephen Spielberg with this E. T. egg.

Maybe that’s because an Indiana Jones Easter egg design would’ve had more difficulty. Still, as ugly as E. T. is you can’t really think he’s any less than adorable.

7. Get ready for one wild bachelor party in Vegas with this Easter egg tribute to The Hangover or the one which launched the careers of Bradley Cooper and Zach Galifianakis.

Oh, God, I’d hate to see what Bradley Cooper is about to do with Mike Tyson’s pet tiger, which is most likely illegally possessed since it’s an endangered species.

8. For those who like Peter Sellers and Henry Mancini music, here’s an Easter egg diorama from The Pink Panther movies.

Would’ve liked to seen an Easter egg rendering of Chief Inspector Dreyfus who later goes nuts. Still, I can only consider Peter Sellers as the one and only Inspector Clouseau and no one else.

9. For those in love with Japanese cuteness, here are some nice Easter eggs of Hello Kitty.

Sure they may not have ears but they may not have looked great with them anyway. Still, quite cute.

10. This Easter egg tribute of Barack Obama would certainly be commendable to any Egghead Commander and Chief.

Now that’s a great scene of the Oval Office. Also like how he has those two pens and the globe on his desk.

11. May these Batman Easter eggs make your Easter a rather dark night in Gotham, indeed.

Of course, presented here are Batman, Catwoman, Mr. Freeze, the Joker, Harley Quinn, Two-Face, the Penguin, the Riddler, and Clayface. Wonder why they don’t have Robin, Batgirl, Bane, Dr. Strange, Poison Ivy, the Scarecrow, and Alfred.

12. For those who are fans of the National Audobon Society’s guide to North American Birds, then today’s your lucky day.

Almost look as if they do in the guidebook with their respective silhouettes. Of course, Audobon often killed birds so he could save them and paint them in his book better. And boy, his bird paintings are awesome.

13. “But I would not feel so all alone/Everybody must get poached.”

Yes, this is an Easter egg rendition of legendary American singer-songwriter Bob Dylan. Well, he wrote some of the best music ever which has influenced millions. But his singing is much to be desired.

14. Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building.

Interestingly, Elvis Presley looked a lot like this during his Las Vegas years. Of course, this is what happens when you’ve been on too many drugs and peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

15. For you silent film buffs out there, this Easter egg Charlie Chaplin is particularly charming.

Of course, Chaplin was one of the most significant filmmakers in movie history who entertained countless audiences as the Tramp during the 1920s and early 1930s. Yet, he’d be kicked out of the country in the 1950s for his left wing political views.

16. For those who have boys, these superhero Easter eggs should be a real treat for a holiday with pastel colors.

Comprised here are Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, the Green Lantern, the Flash, Spiderman, Iron Man, the Incredible Hulk, and Captain America. Still, I wonder why Thor, Black Widow, and Nick Fury aren’t included.

17. For those into foul humor and toilet jokes, you can’t go wrong with these South Park Easter eggs here.

Now I’m sure the Kenny one is going to have horrible things done to it after the picture since he practically dies in a lot of episodes.

18. “He’s an egg ball wizard/There has to be a twist./An egg ball wizard’s got such a supple wrist.”

Of course, The Who known for their rock opera Tommy about a deaf, dumb, and blind pinball whiz. Still, I’m not sure what I’d say if any elementary age school kids ask about what happened to Keith Moon.

19. For those who like kicking ass reptiles from the sewers, you’d love these Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Easter eggs.

Of course, I wonder if anyone could remember that the turtles were named after Renaissance artists like Leonardo Da Vinci, Donatello, Michelangelo, and Raphael. Of course, in real life Leonardo was the inventor and technological genius of the 4. Oh, and that Leonardo and Michelangelo were both gay.

20. From “That’ll Be the Day” to the Day the Music Died, Buddy Holly and the Crickets were one of the best known 1950s rock n’ roll acts.

Man, it’s hard not to imagine what Buddy Holly’s career would’ve amounted to if he didn’t get on that plane with J. P. Richardson and Ritchie Valens that fateful day.

21. Since they’re so iconic with the black and white make up, rock and roll all night with these KISS Easter eggs and party every day.

I’m not really a KISS fan but I did put a KISS nutcracker ensemble for my nutcracker post back in 2013. This is a great Easter equivalent.

22. Not sure what to do with those Easter eggs, how about egg totem poles?

Now these may not look like real totem poles. But they’re quite intricate and I like them.

23. Tissue and construction paper make great flowers as well as Easter egg decorations.

Now these are quite pretty and so intricate that I suspect someone is either getting paid for it or has way too much time on their hands.

24. “I am the eggman, they are the eggmen/I am the walrus, goo goo goo joob”

So what if “I Am the Walrus” came out in the late 1960s and these are the Fab Four from 1964? I had to use those lines sometime.

25. Bring the magic of Oz to life with this Easter egg diorama of The Wizard of Oz.

Seems more likely to traumatize your friends than the real thing. Still not as good as Gone with the Wind even if the movie denigrated African Americans as happy slaves.

26. “It was twenty years ago today/Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play/They’ve been going in and out of style/But they’re guaranteed to raise a smile”

“So may I introduce to you/The act you’ve known for all these years/Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” Wait until they get to Billy Shears.

27. Leafs always make great decoration for Easter eggs if you want to go with a nature theme.

Yes, they’re pretty. But I wonder if they were still around after most of the leaves were already swept up during the fall.

28. For those who love Lego, you might love having these Lego heads on your Easter eggs.

Now these are just adorable. But only one of them is explicitly female. Yet, we can change that if we add hair to some of the others.

29. When it comes to flower decorations, you can’t go wrong with flowers.

Of course, these buttons may be of the same shape but the smaller ones not always of the same size and color.

30. For you Despicable Me fans, these minon Easter eggs are as easy as pie.

When it comes to Despicable Me, almost everyone remembers the minions and how cute they are. Still, I see a lot of them in a lot of artistic renditions because they’re an east craft subject.

31. Go underwater with these deep sea diving Easter eggs.

Well, I don’t mean literally of course. But I daresay these look quite adorable in scuba gear and flippers.

32. Defend the Imperial Empire with these Imperial Stormtrooper Easter eggs.

Cheer up, Rebels. Sure they may seem intimidating and kill Luke’s aunt and uncle. Yet, Imperial Stormtroopers are known for being notorious bad shots since they’re never seen hitting anything.

33. For those who loved WALL-E, you might love these EVE Easter eggs.

Well, the EVE we know from WALL-E is the one with the eyes and the plant sign on it. But still, quite cute.

34. For those repressed art students out there, you can always paint your Easter eggs by hand if you want to.

Now these are quite intricate and pretty. They also match the dish they’re on. Sure hate to see a small child break these.

35. When it comes to decorating Easter eggs, feel free to accessorize.

Now this person seems to spend more time decorating the eggs’ outfits than the actual eggs themselves.

36. Relive the Tim Burton magic with this Easter egg tribute to Alice in Wonderland.

Like The Wizard of Oz one, this also seems much creepier and likely to traumatize kids than the real thing. This is especially true with the Mad Hatter, the White Rabbit, as well as Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

37. Seems like one of their friends was taken from the egg carton and into the frying pan.

And it seems like they know one of them's next in the skillet of horrors. And some of them are seen screaming.

And it seems like they know one of them’s next in the skillet of horrors. Some of them are seen screaming.

38. Jam with the Jamaican reggae beat with Bob Marley.

Rarely do we have the traditions of pot and Easter merged in the same creation as an Easter egg version of Bob Marley.

39. For all you Scarface fans out there, say hello to my little friend!

Now no parent would certainly want their kid to find an Easter egg with Al Pacino’s face on it since most of his movies are rated R. Not to mention, they tend to be rather violent with sex, swearing, and substance abuse.

40. Hey, look, I found Waldo!

Then again, it’s pretty easy to find Waldo when he’s a decorated Easter egg and the others are quite plain so to speak.

41. For fans of the HBO series Game of Thrones, these Easter eggs are for you.

Of course, like everything by George R. R. Martin, they may only be as fun until they suffer a really horrible death like some peoples favorite Game of Thrones characters.

42. For those who grew up with Nintendo, you’d sure love these Super Mario Brothers Easter eggs.

Of course, we all know what these mushrooms do in the game. But watch out for the bullets.

43. Enjoy the magic of Hogwarts this Easter with these Harry Potter Easter eggs.

Now these include, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Snape, Voldemort, Dumbledore, Nagini, and the Golden Snitch. Of course, I’d also like to see ones of Luna, Hagrid, Neville, Malfoy, Sirius, Lupin, and Hedwig but you take what you can get I guess.

44. These Easter egg bees are as sweet as honey.

Now these may be simple in some respects. But they’re nevertheless adorable to say the least.

45. For those who love video games, I’m sure you can’t go wrong with Angry Birds.

Of course, the green pig is going to get it sooner or later since it’s surrounded by birds that really seem pissed off beyond all means.

46. Sometimes felt can be handy when it comes to Easter egg decorations.

Sure love spring flowers and I think these beautiful eggs have great designs on them. Once again, someone must have too much time on their hands.

47. Splash into the world of Amity Island in the summer with Jaws. But swim carefully.

Seems like this pipe cleaner lady doesn’t have long to live. Seriously, she shouldn’t be so stupid enough to swim in shark infested waters.

48. Celebrate this Easter with, “Purple Haze” with this Easter egg Jimi Hendrix.

Of course, he may be one of the greatest guitarists of all time and played the “Star Spangled Banner” at Woodstock. Unfortunately, he died young.

49. Now these lady bug Easter eggs will go well in anybody’s basket.

Now these are so adorable and quite concurrent with spring. Of course, some lady bugs are male, by the way.

50. Enjoy a good scare this Easter with these eggs depicting characters from The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Sure The Nightmare Before Christmas may have absolutely nothing to do with Easter but that doesn’t mean you can’t make eggs from that film. Does it?

51. Now I daresay, this London Easter egg always knows how to retain a stiff upper lip.

Of course, it’s one of those royal guards you see at Buckingham Palace. So don’t try to make it crack beyond all means. Seriously, you don’t want to do that.

52. Sometimes it helps when you decorate your Easter eggs with string.

However, once Easter is over, these can be a pain in the ass to peel off. But they are quite colorful to get my drift.

53. Join Snoopy and the gang with this Easter egg tribute to Peanuts.

Seems weird that the cast seems like a bunch of coneheads as far as Easter egg tributes go. I mean their heads seemed quite round in the comics.

54. So, yes, you can do embroidery on your Easter eggs as these specimens show.

Of course, after Easter, these eggs would soon be a pain in the ass to peel off. I’ll say. Still, for the moment they’re quite pretty.

55. For you Trekkies out there, these Star Trek themed Easter eggs are for you.

Of course, they had a set of Easter eggs for the characters but the Red shirt ones all got broken. So the person decided to use logos and symbols instead.

56. Seems like someone lost their yolk.

And everybody is in a state of panic over it. Guess that somebody cracked it over the edge.

57. For you Pixar lovers out there, here are Easter eggs of the aliens from Toy Story.

Of course, we all know these aliens worship a massive claw in the vending machine they live in. I mean we’ve all seen the movies.

58. “She’s got eggs, she knows how to use them.”

Yes, that’s ZZ Top all right, which hail all the way from Texas. Of course, this person did a great job depicting the frontmen’s beards.

59. Catch em’ all this Easter season with these Pokemon egg designs.

Now these are quite adorable and intricate designs. Still, the scientifically accurate version on Laughing Squid has some disturbing implications.

60. When it comes to decorating Easter eggs, you can apply just about anything.

Now these are way beyond any artistic endeavor I could undergo with art supplies. These are just so beautiful to say the least.

Fun with Easter Bonnets

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 11, 2015

I may not take part in this on Easter since I live in the country, but for a long time in cities, it was a tradition for people to got to church on Easter Sunday before attending the annual Easter parade. And it was there where women donned their Easter bonnets which are technically hats. Of course, these can come in all shapes and sizes at times such as the simple straw with flowers and ribbons to basically the Easter equivalent of the Christmas sweater. And some of these bonnets can be as outrageous that you’d think they’re designed by Lady Gaga as well as not exclusively worn by women. Thus, you won’t see just ladies looking ridiculous and in some hats that may not have much to do with Easter or spring anyway. So without further adieu, here are some of the crazy, wild, Easter bonnets you may ever see.

1. Wake up this Easter with sunny side up for breakfast.

These two must be real egg heads going out in those hats. I wonder if they have one wearing a bacon hat.

2. This woman is bound to poke somebody’s eye out if she’s not careful.

Yeah, I can totally understand why the guy is wearing sunglasses for protection against the pointy sticks.

3. Another great motif for Easter bonnets are bird’s nests.

Now I wonder if any real birds try to lay eggs in it. Either that or make out with the bird depicted building it which is fake.

4. Forget Easter bonnets, check out this Easter headdress.

Someone must’ve had too much time on their hands to make this one. Either that, or she’s Lady Gaga’s costume designer judging by that flamboyant hat.

5. I dub this hat style, “laundry basket.”

And it seems that these people might be in need of a major neck massage after they’re done having these large flower laundry baskets on their heads all day.

6. For the Pixar fan, this hat depicting the house from Up might catch your fancy.

Basically an Easter bonnet made with a small doll house and some balloons. Still, I’m not sure if this has anything to do with Easter but I like it.

7. Now this seems like this gives “put a flower in your hair” a whole new meaning.

Man, I wonder how she managed to put that hat on without putting her hair in a bun first. However, I have doubts on whether it’ll survive intact when she takes it off.

8. I give you the hat of a 100 eyes.

In some way this hat is just as whimsical as much as it is creepy. Seriously, the basket is covered with eyes.

9. Now I say this woman’s Easter hat is houseplant couture.

You can say that her large hat almost matches the scenery. Of course, she sometimes has to occasionally water it .

10. Of course, sometimes Easter is the time of year when men get in touch with their feminine side.

And when it comes to metrosexuality, this guy is totally fabulous with his coiffure in flowers, chicks, eggs, butterflies, and wire fencing.

11. Now in accordance with spring, you can’t go wrong with a flower pot on your head.

I think the flowers are supposed to go on top of the pot, which has bunnies and grass. Seriously, it’s the kind of hat I’d see in a Dr. Seuss story.

12. Another great motif on Easter bonnets are beehives, like this one.

Hey, at least it’s not a real one because that would be bad. Still, the mutant bees are on the edges while the hive bees are much smaller.

13. For boys, a partial colored egg with paper machete makes a great Easter bonnet.

This boy is trying to smile for the camera but deep down he feels so self-conscious about the possibility of his fellow classmates beating him up in school.

14. Nothing makes a great Easter bonnet for a parade than one of a giant chicken or something.

What the hell is that bird? I know it can’t be a phoenix because it doesn’t have flames coming out of it. Seriously, that looks like some sort of cross between a swan and a chicken.

15. Now I call this one, “Tigger at Gitmo.”

I wonder what the animals in the Hundred Acre Wood will think when they discover that their bouncy friend is being held as an enemy combatant. Seriously, since what does this trama inducing look have to do with Easter?

16. For Easter, it’s always manly to wear a hat of pink bunny ears.

Even funnier is that this guy is the King of Sweden. Yes, may I proclaim that the King of Sweden is wearing a pink bunny hat for Easter.

17. Carrot Top, allow me to introduce you to Bo Carrot.

Well, at least she doesn’t have to worry about shopping for a snack. Still, this is pretty crazy if you think about it.

18. Then again, for a boy’s Easter bonnet, I suppose Angry Birds is much more appropriate.

Even better is that these Angry Birds are made from Easter eggs as far as I can tell. Seriously, this is a better than colored eggs. At least for boys.

19. Forget the Easter bonnet, how about a bunny cap?

Now this seems rather easy to make such as cardboard, cotton, and a cap. Not to mention, Little Jimmy is less likely to be beat up in school over it.

20. Nothing brings in the spirit of spring than an Easter bonnet of a watering can.

Now that watering can display is pretty. But I wonder if this girl is going to need a neck massage after the Easter parade though.

21. Now this one captures the essence of spring: butterflies, flowers, and a scorpion?

I’m not sure whether a scorpion belongs in a holiday that includes cute bunnies, chicks, flowers, colored eggs. But, hey, what do I know?

22. With Easter bonnets, the bigger the flowers the better.

Yet, I’m not sure if this gigantic rose is really improving things for now. Seriously, this reminds me of a Kentucky Derby hat for some reason.

23. For Easter, you can’t be the belle of the parade without a bonnet of shiny rainbow eggs.

I’m not sure if the eggs enhance the hat or not. Either way, at least if she wears it at night, it’ll certainly be quite reflective.

24. For egg hunts, paper machete egg bonnets are perfect for the kids.

However, this little girl doesn’t seem to think so. In fact, she seems to wonder whether she seems to resemble an alien from outer space in it.

25. When it comes to Easter bonnets, there’s no limit to how high you can go.

She should be lucky that most churches have rather high ceilings in their naves. But seriously, that’s a lot of flowers and eggs.

26. Of course, there’s no great Easter bonnet than one of a giant Creme egg.

Then again, I’m sure the egg doesn’t have any chocolate in it. But this little girl seems happy.

27. Of course, you can’t celebrate Easter without a garden hat.

Then again, if this didn’t have garden stuff on it, I would’ve mistaken it for some tribal headdress on some island in the Pacific.

28. Nothing says Easter like a bonnet with a couple of assault rifles on it?

Okay, I’m sure defending your right to shoot Bambi and all his wabbit fwiends is perfectly fine. But why do it on Easter on all holidays? Seriously, it’s a holiday to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus and new life, not untimely deaths on school campuses and 3rd world countries!

29. With blue ribbons and a pink basket, this guy is in his Easter best.

Sure he may look ridiculous but he so doesn’t care what the guys at the office think for now. Seriously, his little girl probably designed the hat in the first place.

30. Of course, it doesn’t always have to be the woman who wears the flowers.

Seems like he’s enjoying himself in his white, orange, and purple Easter lilies. Too bad real lilies don’t bloom until later in the spring or summer.

31. Of course, this girl will be the envy of the egg hunt with her hatching egg hat.

Of course, alongside the chick, there are smaller eggs in the egg as well. Which makes me beg the question.

32. Now this girl is lucky since she’s wearing the bonnet with the golden egg.

Now she may want to watch out for any fairy tale creatures who would do what it takes to obtain it. And then there will be a Maltese Falcon situation on their hands.

33. You can say this Easter bonnet can make anyone as pretty as a peacock.

Now that’s a lot of feathers under the brim. Wonder if she’s wearing a sombrero, which can explain a lot.

34. Make sure your Easter bonnet is all chicked out.

Now this woman seems to have it all yellowed out with daffodils and chickies. But I’m not sure if having a large chick on top is utterly cute or ridiculous.

35. Since chicks like to frolic, you always need a fence to contain them.

Yeah, but their space is limited since they’re blocked by a giant sky and cloud thing in the center. Of course, this boy is wondering, “Why do I have to wear this?”

36. While it’s mainly associated with Thanksgiving, I’m sure a cornucopia would make a fine Easter bonnet with some spring trimmings.

Now I’m sure this may be just as good for Thanksgiving since it seems more appropriate for fall than spring. But who am I to judge?

37. With Easter bonnets, it’s time to spring into action.

I don’t know about you, but I think all these springly decorations can be a bit excessive. The fake cemetery flower business must be booming this time a year.

38. For some Easter bonnets are a way to celebrate Easter. For others, a way to show off their Pez dispenser collection.

While Pez candies can be quite disgusting, we all better remember the containers for some reason. Also like the dangling toy rabbits around this guy’s hat.

39. Sometimes when an Easter bonnet isn’t enough, a stuffed duck has to have one, too.

And this duck even has some accessories like French fries, nail polish, and a couple of other things. But this girl seems happy.

And this duck even has some accessories like French fries, nail polish, and a couple of other things along with an enormous flower bonnet. But this girl seems happy.

40. Now you can’t have an Easter parade without some Easter basket bonnets on the streets, too.

Now this woman seems like a real basket case according to wearing a hat like that she doesn’t seem too thrilled with.

41. Be on the sunny side of Easter with this sunflower hat.

Man, that’s a huge sunflower. And with so many petals, too. Still, I’m sure sunflowers aren’t in season this time of year since they come later in the summer.

42. Seems like soccer is a big game between the chicks and bunnies this Easter.

Seems like they have bunnies and chicks the same size as well as a small human referee. So how does that happen?

43. Now it seems like these chicks are hatching in the egg cartons for some reason.

Now this is pretty crazy. I’m sure those chicks are mounted somehow. Also, I’m sure that eggs are only available at a dozen in stores.

44. Man, now that’s calling putting all your eggs in one basket, or hat for that matter.

Hope that none of those plastic eggs have candy in them or you know what the kiddies will do to that. Still, how does her head withstand so much stuff?

45. For the white and fluffy crowd, you might want your Easter Bonnet cloud to contain plastic grocery bags and white feathers.

Then again, those could be faulty airbags from some car company. Still, she seems like the perfect woman for the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

46. Seems like the chicks on this girl’s Easter bonnet are already hatching.

Oh, shit. She’s an Easter bonnet contest winner during the High Clere Castle Easter egg hunt? Seriously, why wasn’t there an Easter egg hunt episode of Downton Abbey then?

47. Want a bee in your Easter bonnet?

Now this bee may seem quite cute since it’s plush. However, you wouldn’t want to be stung by it mainly due to its size.

48. Now I call these women the “Orange Brigade.”

Now I’m sure these women’s towering hats probably put them as members of some kind of club, family, or cult.

49. When it comes to decorating your Easter bonnet, you can’t go wrong with Peeps.

I mean those inedible marshmallow sugar candies have to be used in some way since they’re utterly unfit for human consumption. Still, pretty amazing.

50. Now this girl’s hat is in the blue flower spirit of spring.

Let’s hope no graves were robbed of their flower arrangements during the making of this humongous flower hat. Seriously, these posies are fake, which I’ve seen all the time at the cemetery near where I live.

51. Bunny out of your hat or on top of it?

Of course, Ann Miller can have this kind of hat who was kind of the Lady Gaga of her day as far as fashions go. Then again, this style makes any of Lady Gaga’s Easter bonnets seem tame by comparison.

52. This hat gives, “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” a whole new meaning.

Yeah, I’m sure Tiny Tim didn’t mean that when he sang “Tiptoe Through the Tulips,” in that falsetto voice. Seriously, this is crazy.

53. I now bring you, the Carrot Tops.

Now I wonder how they get those carrots to stand up? Hope they’re not attracting some rabbits with those giant carrots because that would be bad.

54. Nothing says Easter like a bonnet depicting two rabbits in their outdoor bathroom near the farm.

I don’t know about you but I’m kind of freaked out that I can’t see this person’s head for some reason. Probably the fact that the person is alive.

55. Nothing makes a better Easter bonnet than a bunny in a flower pot.

Now this is interesting. Still, I wonder what kind of neck strain this bonnet may cause after wearing it for a few hours.

56. And out of this hat grows an Easter egg tree.

The tree from this hat seems like it comes straight out of a Dr. Seuss story. Still, quite original if you ask me.

57. A big bouquet for your yellow watering can?

Now I wonder how does she wear this hat without straining her neck with all the weight of those plastic flowers I’ve seen in a cemetery.

58. Nothing like an Easter bonnet consisting of a basket tied to your head.

Now isn’t that a bit lopsided in terms of weight distribution? Seriously, it looks ridiculous! Still, at least she has a place to receive tips.

59. Sometimes it’s not just the women who go all out with flowers.

Behold, the Aztec God Xochipilli the Flower Prince in his Easter Sunday best. Why he wears his flower headdress during a Christian holiday, I’ll never know.

60. Nothing makes an Easter bonnet like one of a giant ant at a picnic.

Now this is perhaps one of the few Easter bonnets on this post that may be truly terrifying. Also what the hell do giant ants have to do with Easter for God’s sake?

61. Of course, you can’t celebrate the Easter season without including candy.

Now this must be a huge undertaking, especially when it comes to including Hershey’s and Crunch on this.

62. Now these guys want to look their best for the Easter parade in their prettiest hats.

And all these manly men seem to love how their hats go with their overalls, save perhaps one.

63. When it comes to Easter bonnets, you can’t have too many flowers.

Now this is Xochiquetzal the Aztec Goddess of love and flowers. Unfortunately, she’s not as nice as her male counterpart and demands a sacrifice every 8 years.

64. Don’t look now, but I think I see these weird green hat ladies here.

Now while these hats may reflect an early spring, the color scheme is much to be desired. Seriously, they seem rather dull in color as well as make the wearers look ridiculous for some reason.

65. Now there’s nothing better than a rabbit proof fence on your straw Easter bonnet.

I’ve seen better. Seriously, if that rabbit were real, it would totally jump it. Then again, you have the aesthetics to consider.

66. A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the Easter bonnet.

I don’t know about you but this seems like a creepy old lady’s hat than an Easter bonnet. At least to me.

67. When it comes to pussy willow flowers you can never go overboard.

Okay, this is quite extravagant. Flowers are probably fake but they seem to have eggs hanging on them.

68. Nothing says Easter than having a crown with a giant chick.

Now that guy better be quite strong since that chick sure looks monstrously heavy for some reason.

69. For Easter bonnet decorations, jelly beans do quite well.

Of course, these candies taste really disgusting that you might as well put them to better use.

70. Now this lady seems to have left all her Easter eggs hanging.

Now I wonder how she could wear this hat and see. I mean those plastic eggs seem to obscure her eyes.

71. Whether you’re in the Easter parade or Kabuki Theater, this bonnet is for you.

Of course, if you’re unfamiliar with Japanese theater, despite the extravagant costumes, we should be aware that all the actors involved are guys, even as the leading ladies.

72. Of course, no one can have a hat with rabbit ears as tall as this girl.

Now those are long rabbit ears. Must hear a lot noises from miles away such as a bear shitting in the woods.

73. Seems like this beehive basket needs some flowers.

Now this might have unfortunate implications if those were real flowers and the bees were alive. Imagine the sting marks on this woman.

74. You can’t do better on Easter than have your ducks all in a row.

Of course, I wonder how this guy managed to get smaller and smaller ducks. It’s like a rubber ducky nesting doll.

75. Now these flowers on this hat make you wonder if she paid a visit to the Mad Hatter.

Now these flowers seem like they’re from out of this world. Oh, yes, I forget they’re plastic and probably made for cemeteries.

76. With flowers and butterflies, you can’t do much better.

If these were real, they’d certainly be overdoing it on the Miracle Gro. Still, you have to hand it to the person who designed this.

77. Nothing makes an Easter bonnet work like one depicting a bunny and a chicken?

I bet you that chicken is probably taxidermy. I mean it almost looks quite real if you ask me.

78. When it comes to Easter bonnets, some couples feel the need to match.

And it seems no different for the king and queen of the Tropicana pineapple kingdom they rule together (okay, this is just a joke but please their hats are outrageous).

79. Nothing makes a great Easter bonnet than one of a hatching chick from its egg.

I don’t know about you but I think this chick’s wings are away out of proportion to its body. Just saying.

80. Easter Bunny Bot would like to wish everyone a very Happy Easter.

Now I don’t know about you but it seems the Easter Bunny Bot is either the Easter Bunny’s robotic assistant or from a different planet entirely.

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