Because no old lady with sunglasses should ever leave her home without her Holy Bible and handgun. Sure there’s the thing with “turn the other cheek” but for God’s sake, this is America, goddammit!

If it wasn’t for the title, you wouldn’t think it had anything Christian about it. Seriously, when you see pictures of beaches, pools, and sea front stores, do you think of Jesus? No, you think about going on vacation.

And I thought a children’s book promoting open carry was bad. This is just seriously fucking insane! I mean there’s nothing awesome getting measles whatsoever! For the love of God, vaccinate your kids! I mean if you’re so worried about your kid having Autism that you’re willing to expose them to potentially fatal childhood diseases, there’s just something fucking wrong with you! I’m sorry, but I’d rather have an Autistic child than a dead child. Seriously, Autism isn’t nearly as bad as having measles.

This would’ve come in handy in a lot horror movies that involves demon possession. And it seems like this guy really needs it. By the way, the guy has his own website all about it.

Now this bestiality romance novel seems to give the notion of “horseplay” a whole new meaning. Even freakier is that the horse has human hands and might’ve had some Minotaur style conception story.

Of course, these sci-fi covers can be pretty trippy. Still, I’m not sure whether I’m more surprised with a maneating typewriter on it or just a typewriter. Then again, it seems to come from the 1980s.

From that woman’s face, I’d rather pass the chance of having dinner with her. Her expression reads she might have you in mind as a main course.

Man, I’d hate to want to know what all the sky of mouths is all about. Must be a trippy sight even for Westeros and kind of scary, too. Maybe Game of Thrones is a step better than this, at least according to the covers.

Now while this might be the kind of inspirational story Bible Belt Christians know and love in their saccharine media stories, the title is just so hard to make me take this book seriously.

Actually my mistake. It’s actually a “science” activity book catered to 10-14 year olds. The fact it probably advocates creationism isn’t a surprise. As a Catholic I believe that God created the universe, world, and life over billions of years and through His great miracles of evolution by natural selection and the Big Bang. This book is pseudoscientific bullshit at best.

Basically this company thinks that put a pink cover with sparkles on it and girls will instantly buy. Nevertheless, at least there are some great female heroes in this like Jael who got a guy drunk and drove a tent peg in his head.

Seriously, having a fist is basically the last thing you want on a cover pertaining to saving your marriage. It kind of gives the idea that you advocate spousal abuse as a viable solution, which it certainly is not.

Man, that seems like a cross between a centaur with humans on his hands that resemble him. Now this makes me wonder if Ray Bradbury was on some psychedelic drugs when he thought this would make a great idea for a cover.

Now this is a book by William S. Burroughs that focuses on his life as a heroin user and dealer during the 1940s. However, the cover seems like some bad shit’s about to go down.

Now this book has a wide range of bread sculptures in it such as the ladybugs and dinosaurs. However, there are also ones that involve naked people which are just so disturbing. And they even have pubes, yes, bread pubes. Not to mention, it gives the word “doughnut” a whole new meaning.

As if dieting books were already bad enough when it comes to fat shaming. This book basically says that overeating and obesity are the work of Satan. And that the only way to lose weight is to stop eating for several days and spend mealtimes away from your family. Seriously.

Yes, this is a teen devotional with it’s cheesy mandatory diversity photo from the 1980s. However, I suggest a picture of the temptation of Faust by Mephistopheles would be far more appropriate than this.

Excerpt from Amazon. com: “The bacon storm is rolling in. We hear the grease and sugar beat against the roof and windows. The doughnut people are attacking. We press close together, forgetting for a moment that we hate each other.” Still, I’m sure seeing zombie doughnuts on the cover may remind some people of their horrible acid trip at Krispy Kreme.

I’m sure looking at all the guys’ hats on the cover you might be expecting an orgy with Snow White, the Prince, and the seven dwarfs. Please, I don’t want to imagine it.

Now this looks dangerous. Doesn’t help that he has a nasty mace that could rip his eye out. But I’m not sure if the cover artist cared.

Yeah, Mr. Darcy sure is dangerous all right (sarcasm). Still, Darcy’s actually all right once you get to know him. But I’m not sure why this cover should depict him as a young Colin Firth with chest hair.  Not sure if I want to see his Fitzwilliam.

Seriously, how can someone mistake a couple of Indian horsemen as King Arthur’s knights. For God’s sake, King Arthur is a medieval English king! He may not be real but, still. These two guys look like they’re in the service of Geronimo.

This woman is Charlotte Bronte who’s best known for writing Jane Eyre during the early Victorian Era of the 19th century. She died of some disease at 38 in 1855 while pregnant, which was the year before L. Frank Baum was even born. So her presence on an Oz book doesn’t make any damn sense.

Now this book is certainly for Christian audiences that says the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are a cult while the Care Bears are about non Christian attitudes and beliefs. Yes, Saturday morning cartoons are brainwashing our children as we speak! That doesn’t even mention that watching Casper and the Smurfs will prepare kids for the occult. Nevertheless, this book is written by a guy who really doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Yeah, I think this trombonist seems like he wants to poison somebody. Maybe it’s the concert master for disappointing him that the his instrument doesn’t get the melody part in “Seventy-Six Trombones.”

Now this is a book about the 6th President of the United States who also had an illustrious political career. And it was written by William Seward who was Lincoln’s Secretary of State responsible for buying Alaska. So why the hell are there moai statues on the cover? They’re in South America, goddammit!

Okay, that looks kind of gay. Then again, after watching Foxcatcher, you wonder if wrestling is such a manly sport that the movie might have some homoerotic undertones.

Now even if you haven’t read this or even heard of this book, anyone who knows the slightest bit about Africa should know that it doesn’t look like the freaking Himalayas.

What’s even more disturbing is that this image might be taken off from Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock. Now I’d wonder what 19th century Victorian author Thomas Hardy would’ve thought of “Sweet Child of Mine.”

Now Moll Flanders is not the kind of book you’d want your daughter to read if she’s younger than 12 so to speak. I mean Moll Flanders is a con woman and a prostitute who’s married 5 times, sleeps with her brother, abandons her kids, and other things. Definitely not a role model for your daughter.

Seriously, androids didn’t exist in the late 19th century. And this guy doesn’t even seem dressed as a Victorian. So why he’s on the cover of a Sherlock Holmes book just beats me.

Now Treasure Island takes place in the 17th century during the Golden Age of Piracy. Sure it’s not really an accurate piece about pirates since they didn’t bury treasure. However, Stevenson makes no mention of bicycles in the text, which weren’t invented until the late 19th century. By then, Stevenson was dead.

Now despite the creature being as creepy as hell, this book is hard to take seriously once you see the word, “ass” in the title. I mean ass goblins, seriously?

Of course, you probably don’t want to run into these animals in the park anytime soon. Swans are quite mean but a fire breathing one? Yeah, only cool for awhile until they’re coming after you.

Yes, cojoined twins are out there and I’m sure there’s nothing horrifying about this book. But the cover, maybe you’d wonder whether they should’ve hired a different illustrator.

Man, maybe we should e-mail our congressmen to increase funding for the National Park Service. I really have a bad feeling about the Grizzly uprising against campers in the western National Parks come tourist season.

Now that kind of looks like the covered bridge near where I live. And I don’t remember it having fangs and red eyes, which are obviously drawn for the cover.

Includes ideas for games like Mark the Mutant, Connect the Craters, Radioactive Tag, and Body Count. Has a History Mystery Quiz and Paper Doll Nuclear Wardrobe. Also includes tips for a fallout shelter library and pharmacy. Yes, this is the book for your kids to do while their whole world is incinerated by a nuclear apocalypse.

This is mad King Ludwig II’s fairytale Neuschwanstein Castle in Southwest Bavaria, Germany. There is absolutely nothing Chinese about this very European structure. So putting a cover on a book about Chinatown absolutely makes no sense whatsoever.

And here is the guy on the computer with his shirt ripped who can’t watch. But from how I see it, it seems way lamer than The Hunger Games.

Now if it wasn’t for the title, I would’ve saw it as a book on how to get a job. Seriously, it just looks so generic, it could be about anything. At least a pierogie picture would’ve made sense.

“Say hello, to my lady Sweet Lorraine, you motherfuckers.” Black redneck cowboy firing his pistol at space zombies. Now I’ve seen everything.

Man, didn’t these people know that beavers are actually vegetarians, not man eating monsters. Still, other than its size, the giant beavers don’t seem that scary at all. I mean what’s the worst they could do? Build a dam?

Now I don’t know what’s creepier about the cover: the naked man with the strategically placed award sticker or the guy on the floating platform with the top hat and cane.

Han Solo may always shoot first. But it appears that Chewie might be out for blood by the expression his face and how he’s holding his gun.

From the description, it’s said the phallic thing is actually called a “worm way” which is a subway in this book’s bizarre universe. Also, seems one the humans is wearing a tin hat to keep safe from the aliens.

Seems like nothing says romance than having to marry a sexy doctor in a shotgun wedding after he knocked you up after a one night stand. Of course, it’s a fantasy.

Art must’ve been inspired by Dali, Magritte, or brown acid. Seems like the Galactic Federation has some explaining to do.

Okay, seems like these two may be on a deserted island. But I don’t see how this nude rape scene has anything to do with being stranded on a deserted island that doesn’t seem to have any women around.

Sorry, all you raging hormonal adolescent boys out there, but this isn’t a book about a courageous nude saving a bunch of bodacious babes from Martian cities.

Then again, Frankenstein’s Monster on this cover seems to have an emo thing going on. Maybe he should stop worrying about trying to win Victor’s love and join a hair metal band.

Then again, children do poop so there’s no excuse not to write a children’s book about it. Of course, we all know that the animals see no need of indoor plumbing and flush toilets.

Now I know that Orcas are among the Oceans’ top predators, they’re also seen as adorable animals which makes this cover hard to take seriously.

Now I’m sure the naked gladiator is totally shitting himself right as he sees the large mysterious flying object in the sky that resembles no bird he’s ever seen.

I’m sure Mr. Werewolf and Ms. Vampire wouldn’t act so polite while at tea. Also, I wonder why the vampire lady is dressed like she has a second job at the ye Olde Transylvania strip club.

Of course, I’m not sure why an orangutan and a seal are in the picture either. Still, seems like this guy is listening to his CD while giving the animals directions. Hardly a situation in humans in chattel.

Guess the only gay action in this book involves rich guys randomly hooking up with each other after a boozy fest at their frats. I’m sure 1869 would have no shortage of that. Then again, the title is still pretty funny.

Of course, when this title referred to “boners” I’m sure they didn’t mean “erections” but I’m sure no adolescent school boy wouldn’t want to have one during class.

Still, I don’t know why anyone would jerk off to a naked old guy wielding an ax on the water. I don’t see how such an image can turn anyone on in any way.

However, if you chose to make a wooden dildo, remember that there’s a chance for splinters if you don’t varnish them. Seriously, I’d hate to see the stuff they make in this one.