Stupid Pet Stuff

HugsPet

Let’s face it, people love their pets and want what’s best for them. Sure caring for an animal that depends on you is a commitment that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Pet owners are responsible for caring, feeding, and exercising their furry companions so it’s no wonder that they may need to visit a pet store once in awhile. Sure Fido may need his dog food, treats, worm pills, doggy bed, some toys to chew on, a crate, and a leash for walks like he needs a check up from the vet. And if he’s a city dog, then I’m sure his owner will have to buy some cleanup equipment for his nature calls. Yes, all that costs money. Sure owners want what’s best for their animal friends but some tend to go to extreme as if their pets are like people. I mean there are owners who spend so much on their pets on things which they don’t need. I’m sure Fluffy the cat should have the best kitty littler, but come on, do you really need to give her a birthday party? Seriously, pets may be a big responsibility but they aren’t people and you shouldn’t treat them like your kid. Hell, some people spend more on their pets than their own relations. And Leona Helmsey left the bulk of her estate to her dog Trouble and disinherited two of her grandchildren. Still, this doesn’t stop people from thinking that their little Frou Frou needs a spa treatment. Nevertheless, such strange notions of pet owners give rise to some of the craziest pet stuff you’d find on the web. So without further adieu, here are some pet products that would make your local cat hoarder seem sane by comparison.

1. King-Size Cat Bed

Just because your cat needs a place to sleep, doesn't mean it needs a bed set as fancy as yours even with side tables and drawers. Seriously, whoever dumped this much money on this luxury suite makes a conventional crazy cat lady seem normal.

Just because your cat needs a place to sleep, doesn’t mean it needs a bed set as fancy as yours even with side tables and drawers. Seriously, whoever dumped this much money on this luxury suite makes a conventional crazy cat lady seem normal.

2. Puppoose

Seriously, pets are animals not fashion accessories even if they are little lap dogs. Still, I wonder if they make them in Great Dane size. Now that would be funny.

Seriously, pets are animals not fashion accessories even if they are little lap dogs. Still, I wonder if they make them in Great Dane size. Now that would be funny.

3. Luxury Themed Squeak Toys

Okay, what's with these pompous cutesy wootsy playthings? I mean they resemble nothing that a dog would actually play with nor what you'd want it to play with. Seriously, you dog can do without a

Okay, what’s with these pompous cutesy wootsy playthings? I mean they resemble nothing that a dog would actually play with nor what you’d want it to play with. Seriously, you dog can do without a “iPaw,” “iBone,” “Pawda Handbag,” and an “American Barxpress Card.”

4. Decorative Pet Tattoos or Pet Piercings

Now getting a tattoo to memorialize a furry friend is one thing. However, getting your pet a tattoo (or piercing) is just fucking insane (except if it's for identification). Now such practices are popular in Russia and parts of Asia, but in New York State it's mostly banned and considered animal abuse.

Now getting a tattoo to memorialize a furry friend is one thing. However, getting your pet a tattoo (or piercing) is just fucking insane (except if it’s for identification). Now such practices are popular in Russia and parts of Asia, but in New York State it’s mostly banned and considered animal abuse.

5. Bowser Beer for Dogs

Yes, this is beer for dogs. Seriously, just because dogs are man's best friend, doesn't mean we should make them our drinking buddies. Of course, there are other brands like Happy Tail Ale, Flying Dog Beer, and other brands. Yes, it's a stupid concept but there's money in it.

Yes, this is beer for dogs. Seriously, just because dogs are man’s best friend, doesn’t mean we should make them our drinking buddies. Of course, there are other brands like Happy Tail Ale, Flying Dog Beer, and other brands. Yes, it’s a stupid concept but there’s money in it.

6. Dog Hot Tub

Okay, now if most people can do without their own home jacuzzi, I'm sure their pets don't need one either. Seriously, why do these things even exist?

Okay, now if most people can do without their own home jacuzzi, I’m sure their pets don’t need one either. Seriously, why do these things even exist?

7. Litter Robot

Now a self-cleaning litter box may seem like a great idea. But a self-cleaning litter box that resembles a space capsule? And for $399 from SkyMall? Please.

Now a self-cleaning litter box may seem like a great idea. But a self-cleaning litter box that resembles a space capsule? And for $399 from SkyMall? Please.

8. PetZen DogTread Motorized Exercise Treadmill

If you want to exercise your dog but have things to do, why don't you just hire a dog walker? I'm sure your dog will enjoy it much more than this gadget.

If you want to exercise your dog but have things to do, why don’t you just hire a dog walker? I’m sure your dog will enjoy it much more than this gadget.

9. Doggie Bjorn

Just because your pup may be your baby, doesn't mean you have to treat it like one, especially outside. Seriously, just get a leash for God's sake and don't worry about it dirtying its paws.

Just because your pup may be your baby, doesn’t mean you have to treat it like one, especially outside. Seriously, just get a leash for God’s sake and don’t worry about it dirtying its paws.

10. Woof Brew

Now I've heard of little girls dressing their dogs for tea time with their toys. But this is ridiculous. Seriously, does Elizabeth II have dog tea for her corgis? No, and neither should you.

Now I’ve heard of little girls dressing their dogs for tea time with their toys. But this is ridiculous. Seriously, does Elizabeth II have dog tea for her corgis? No, and neither should you.

11. Dog Thongs

It also functions as a doggy diaper as well, which is said to absorb odors from farts (and dog farts really do stink). But still, would any sane dog owner want to subject their pooch to such humiliation? Does it come with a tramp stamp butterfly tattoo and a propensity to make out with frat boys?

It also functions as a doggy diaper as well, which is said to absorb odors from farts (and dog farts really do stink). But still, would any sane dog owner want to subject their pooch to such humiliation? Does it come with a tramp stamp butterfly tattoo and a propensity to make out with frat boys?

12. Premier Feather Tether Bird Harness

Now your feathered friend can enjoy the great outdoors without flying away with this bird harness. If your bird needs exercise, why don't you just let it fly around the house (with the doors closed of course)?

Now your feathered friend can enjoy the great outdoors without flying away with this bird harness. If your bird needs exercise, why don’t you just let it fly around the house (with the doors closed of course)?

13. Pet Paint

Sure your want your pet to get noticed in bright colors, but it will also make your dog look like a complete idiot and hate you. Of course, there's pet dyeing which is popular in China, but that trend is considered animal abuse by veterinarians in America.

Sure your want your pet to get noticed in bright colors, but it will also make your dog look like a complete idiot and hate you. Of course, there’s pet dyeing which is popular in China, but that trend is considered animal abuse by veterinarians in America.

14. PetZoom Pet Park Dog Potty Mat

Now I'm sure having your dog do its business on artificial turf is a great idea. Then again, I wouldn't know because I live in the country, where nature serves as a dog's toilet.

Now I’m sure having your dog do its business on artificial turf is a great idea. Then again, I wouldn’t know because I live in the country, where nature serves as a dog’s toilet.

15. Pup Poop Tent

Yes, this is a pup tent for your dog. For pooping. As if your dog really cares about privacy when nature calls, which is just a pile of dogshit. Seriously, dogs pee and take dumps in front of each other. They don't give a shit about privacy for God's sake, even in crappy weather.

Yes, this is a pup tent for your dog. For pooping. As if your dog really cares about privacy when nature calls, which is just a pile of dogshit. Seriously, dogs pee and take dumps in front of each other. They certainly don’t care if you have to watch them. Seriously, if they can poop somewhere and get away with it, they will and they don’t care if you have to watch.

16. Birdhouse Spy Cam Hawk Eye Miniature Nature Cam for Wildlife Viewing

Sure this product has nothing to do with pets, but still, I can just as easily watch birds in a nest in my backyard if I want to. I'm not a nature cinematographer so why would I need a bird house equipped with a surveillance camera?

Sure this product has nothing to do with pets, but still, I can just as easily watch birds in a nest in my backyard if I want to. I’m not a nature cinematographer so why would I need a bird house equipped with a surveillance camera?

17. Bowlingual & Meowlingual, Cat & Dog Translators

You know how the dogs had those translators from Up. Well, they don't work quite like that but Japan has managed to make devices like these. Yeah, kind of makes me disappointed.

You know how the dogs had those translators from Up. Well, they don’t work quite like that but Japan has managed to make devices like these. Yeah, kind of makes me disappointed.

18. The Cat Scratch DJ Table

This is the kind of cat toy that was probably invented by someone who's seen way too many cat videos on YouTube. Yes. DJ Muffenmits is in da house!

This is the kind of cat toy that was probably invented by someone who’s seen way too many cat videos on YouTube. Yes. DJ Muffenmits is in da house!

19. Inflatable Cat Unicorn Horn.

Now all we need is to color it with some pet spray paint and your cat is sure to hate you forever. Seems to be seething with rage already.

Now all we need is to color it with some pet spray paint and your cat is sure to hate you forever. Seems to be seething with rage already.

20. Yoga Cat Mat

Now I may not know much about cats as I do about dogs. But how exactly does a cat do yoga? Seriously, I really want to know how that works. I mean they have cat yoga mats.

Now I may not know much about cats as I do about dogs. But how exactly does a cat do yoga? Seriously, I really want to know how that works. I mean they have cat yoga mats.

21. Dog Camper Van

You know most campgrounds don't allow pets. So why would anyone in their right mind would dump $800 on this? Seriously, why?

You know most campgrounds don’t allow pets. So why would anyone in their right mind would dump $800 on this? Seriously, why?

22. Thundershirt

Basically this is meant to control your pet's anxiety, by basically crushing them until they stop whining. Well, if you buy one of those, you're basically too lazy for a pet anyway.

Basically this is meant to control your pet’s anxiety, by basically crushing them until they stop whining. Well, if you buy one of those, you’re basically too lazy for a pet anyway.

23. The Dog-O-Matic Dog Washing Machine

Basically, this device is supposed to wash your dog so you don't have to. Of course, this also doubles as an animal torture device. Yes, I'm sure Fifi will now confess to eating the biscuits and never look forward to bath time again after this.

Basically, this device is supposed to wash your dog so you don’t have to. Of course, this also doubles as an animal torture device. Yes, I’m sure Fifi will now confess to eating the biscuits and never look forward to bath time again after this.

24. Cat Tunnel Sofa

Sure having a tunnel sofa for a cat might seem like a good idea. But imagine what a pain it would be to clean the thing. You're probably better off with a regular couch.

Sure having a tunnel sofa for a cat might seem like a good idea. But imagine what a pain it would be to clean the thing. You’re probably better off with a regular couch.

25. “Fluo-Can” Fluorescent Dog Biscuits

Now would you eat food that glows in the dark? No, because you'd find it freaky and suspect it having radiation. So why would you want to feed your dog glow in the dark biscuits? Seriously, why?

Now would you eat food that glows in the dark? No, because you’d find it freaky and suspect it having radiation. So why would you want to feed your dog glow in the dark biscuits? Seriously, why?

26. Pet Jewelry

Now in a country where there are thousands of people starving and dogs wishing for warm homes in animal shelters, some Pepe la Poodle is sporting a Tiffany necklace and Swarovski pet hair clips, costing more than my house. Seriously, all that pet jewelry does is make their owners look like the rich, greedy jerks they are.

Now in a country where there are thousands of people starving and dogs wishing for warm homes in animal shelters, some Pepe la Poodle is sporting a Tiffany necklace and Swarovski pet hair clips, costing more than my house. Seriously, all that pet jewelry does is make their owners look like the rich, greedy jerks they are.

27. Dog Wine

And I thought dog beer was stupid. Now they have dog wine. If you feel like you need to spend a candlelight and wine dinner with your dog, what does that say about you? Of course, vintages consist of Pinot Tail-io, Bark-deaux, Char-Dog-Nay and Grr-lot.

And I thought dog beer was stupid. Now they have dog wine. If you feel like you need to spend a candlelight and wine dinner with your dog, what does that say about you? Of course, vintages consist of Pinot Tail-io, Bark-deaux, Char-Dog-Nay and Grr-lot.

28. Bacon Bubble Machine

Sure you might want to blow bubbles with your dog. Yet, bacon scented bubbles will just give your dog false hope for bacon. Seriously, it's just cruel.

Sure you might want to blow bubbles with your dog. Yet, bacon scented bubbles will just give your dog false hope for bacon. Seriously, it’s just cruel.

29. Luxury Dog House

Jesus Christ, the pooch who lives here seems to have it much better than I do. Seriously, there are people who don't live as good as this. For God's sake, dogs really don't need all that.

Jesus Christ, the pooch who lives here seems to have it much better than I do. Seriously, there are people who don’t live as good as this. For God’s sake, dogs really don’t need all that.

30. Airpress O2

Do you and your dog live in China? If not, then I'd hold on to your 2 million yen if I were you. Seriously, oxygen bars for people are just a past fad back who knows when. So I'm not sure why you should subject your dog to the same treatment.

Do you and your dog live in China? If not, then I’d hold on to your 2 million yen if I were you. Seriously, oxygen bars for people are just a past fad back who knows when. So I’m not sure why you should subject your dog to the same treatment.

31. Cat Bib

This is supposed to keep your cat from hunting birds. Effective? I wouldn't bet on it. Humiliating? I'll say.

This is supposed to keep your cat from hunting birds. Effective? I wouldn’t bet on it. Humiliating? I’ll say.

32. Designer Pet Clothes

And to think designer children's clothing was ridiculous enough. Seriously, dogs and cats don't need clothes most of the time for God's sake. Stick with a child's old sweater or a ripped T-shirt instead.

And to think designer children’s clothing was ridiculous enough. Seriously, dogs and cats don’t need clothes most of the time for God’s sake. Stick with a child’s old sweater or a ripped T-shirt instead.

33. Pet Master PDA

Sure it might be convenient such as organizing your pet's schedule. But it might make you wonder who's the real master in your and your pet's relationship.

Sure it might be convenient such as organizing your pet’s schedule. But it might make you wonder who’s the real master in your and your pet’s relationship.

34. Pet Pavilion

For those who think a perfect pet setting is an incubator reserved for scientific experiments. That, or a critter Intensive Care Unit. Seriously, if your little dog is sick, just take it to a vet and spare the $10,000.

For those who think a perfect pet setting is an incubator reserved for scientific experiments. That, or a critter Intensive Care Unit. Seriously, if your little dog is sick, just take it to a vet and spare the $10,000.

35. Litter Kwitter

Tired of cleaning litter boxes? Wanting to potty train your cat? Well, say hello to Litter Kwitter Cat Toilet Training System. As with getting your cat to use it, well, good luck with that.

Tired of cleaning litter boxes? Wanting to potty train your cat? Well, say hello to Litter Kwitter Cat Toilet Training System. As with getting your cat to use it, well, good luck with that.

36. Goldfish Walker

If you think your goldfish needs some space, why don't you just buy a bigger tank for God's sake? Seriously, goldfish only live for a few years at the most and swim in the water most of the time. As to why anyone would feel the need for a goldfish walker is beyond me.

If you think your goldfish needs some space, why don’t you just buy a bigger tank for God’s sake? Seriously, goldfish only live for a few years at the most and swim in the water most of the time. As to why anyone would feel the need for a goldfish walker is beyond me.

37. Kitty Wigs

Now I'm sure Kitty here really isn't appreciating this photo op. Seriously, pets aren't dolls, people! Would you want someone to put a funky wig on you? Of course, not!

Now I’m sure Kitty here really isn’t appreciating this photo op. Seriously, pets aren’t dolls, people! Would you want someone to put a funky wig on you? Of course, not!

38. Frosty Paws Ice Cream

Dog ice cream? Seriously?  Do you think dogs go for that? Please, just spend that money on dog treats, bacon, and steak. I mean dogs are more likely to look forward to leftover dinner scraps than this.

Dog ice cream? Seriously? Do you think dogs go for that? Please, just spend that money on dog treats, bacon, and steak. I mean dogs are more likely to look forward to leftover dinner scraps than this.

39. Kong Stuff’n Paste

Basically this is doggie Cheez-Whiz, which you can put in your dog's Kong toy. Yes, your dog might go nuts for it but how about when the meaty chunks fester in the Kong toy creating bacteria? Yeah, that would be a bitch to clean up.

Basically this is doggie Cheez-Whiz, which you can put in your dog’s Kong toy. Yes, your dog might go nuts for it but how about when the meaty chunks fester in the Kong toy creating bacteria? Yeah, that would be a bitch to clean up.

40. Neuticles

These are silicon testicular implants for the male dogs whose naughty bits have been snipped by the vet so to speak. If you wish to neuter Rocko and your spouse is against the idea, then these are for you.

These are silicon testicular implants for the male dogs whose naughty bits have been snipped by the vet so to speak. If you wish to have Rocko neutered and your spouse is against the idea, then these are for you.

41. Katio

Now this is a contraption that creates an outdoor patio for your cat. Install it like you would an air conditioner. Then again, you're probably better off putting an air conditioner through your window than this thing.

Now this is a contraption that creates an outdoor patio for your cat. Install it like you would an air conditioner. Then again, you’re probably better off putting an air conditioner through your window than this thing.

42. Designer Dog Handbag

Yes, I'm sure your dog has a deep burning desire to imitate Kim Kardashian. Of course, why your pooch would need a fancy schmancy Park Avenue purse is beyond me.

Yes, I’m sure your dog has a deep burning desire to imitate Kim Kardashian (sarcasm). Of course, why your pooch would need a fancy schmancy Park Avenue purse is beyond me.

43. Nail Pawlish

For the owner who wants to put the

For the owner who wants to put the “pet” in pedicure. Sure this will make your pet’s claws look pretty. But I wonder how the owners would fare after being mauled by their technicolor clawed animals.

44. Pet Chime

Yes, barking and scratching are really annoying. But forcing your dog to quietly ring the doorbell if it wants to go outside, are you kidding me? Just let it be a dog for God's sake.

Yes, barking and scratching are really annoying. But forcing your dog to quietly ring the doorbell if it wants to go outside, are you kidding me? Just let it be a dog for God’s sake.

45. Pet Corrector

This

This “ear bleeding bull horn” is a way to terrify your pet into hating you as you sound the thing when it barks unexpectedly. Yeah, trying to instill doggie discipline through that thing makes it want to rip your legs off.

46. Healthlab Digital Body Fat Scale

I'm well aware that many dogs suffer from obesity, but still do you really need this? If your dog is overweight, your vet will tell you. Otherwise, just give it plenty of exercise and keep it off junk food.

I’m well aware that many dogs suffer from obesity, but still do you really need this? If your dog is overweight, your vet will tell you. Otherwise, just give it plenty of exercise and keep it off junk food.

47. Pooch Pants

Basically it's a dog diaper. Yeah, make it crap the shit out so you'd have to clean dried poop from its rear end. Still, it's machine washable if you're wondering.

Basically it’s a dog diaper. Yeah, make it crap the shit out so you’d have to clean dried poop from its rear end. Still, it’s machine washable if you’re wondering.

48. Pet Sweep

And I thought the Slipper Genie was bad. Sure it would be nice for Old Yeller to do some chores around the house. But put these on him and he's certain to secretly plan to kill his lazy ass owner on the couch.

And I thought the Slipper Genie was bad. Sure it would be nice for Old Yeller to do some chores around the house. But put these on him and he’s certain to secretly plan to kill his lazy ass owner on the couch.

49. Cat Wheel

It's like a hamster wheel, except that it's huge and serves no real purpose. Seriously, it's said you have to distract your cat with a cat toy to get it in this thing. Yeah, $100 isn't worth it.

It’s like a hamster wheel, except that it’s huge and serves no real purpose. Seriously, it’s said you have to distract your cat with a cat toy to get it in this thing. Yeah, $100 isn’t worth it.

50. Poop Trap

This is supposed to transfer the responsibility of cleanup from the owner to the dog. Of course, it also subjects the dog to walks of humiliation with no way to recapture its dignity. Seriously, I can't imagine what happens if the bag breaks.

This is supposed to transfer the responsibility of cleanup from the owner to the dog. Of course, it also subjects the dog to walks of humiliation with no way to recapture its dignity. Seriously, I can’t imagine what happens if the bag breaks.

51. Pet High Chair

Nothing makes your dog able to eat at the table than a chair that makes it completely immobilized. Yes, it's supposed to promote

Nothing makes your dog able to eat at the table than a chair that makes it completely immobilized. Yes, it’s supposed to promote “refined behavior” but I’m sure it will suffer an occasional bout of panicked urination.

52. Rear Gear Butt Ornaments

For those who can't stand the sight of a dog's rear end, there's a cover for that, folks. Seriously, can't you just let a dog be a dog for God's sake. Certainly dog's deserved to be spared from such indignities that make other dogs laugh with them (as well as people).

For those who can’t stand the sight of a dog’s rear end, there’s a cover for that, folks. Seriously, can’t you just let a dog be a dog for God’s sake. Certainly dog’s deserved to be spared from such indignities that make other dogs laugh with them (as well as people).

53. PetsCell

To be fair, this would be great for your dog if you live in a really bad neighborhood or next to Cruella DeVil. I mean it's a way to call your pet while you're away from home. Imagine all the one sided conversations you two will have.

To be fair, this would be great for your dog if you live in a really bad neighborhood or next to Cruella DeVil. I mean it’s a way to call your pet while you’re away from home. Imagine all the one sided conversations you two will have.

54. Doggles

Yeah, I'm sure Buddy wants to be seen at the beach with those embarrassing Doggles. Not. Other than that, there's no other way how to convey the stupidity pertaining to this product.

Yeah, I’m sure Buddy wants to be seen at the beach with those embarrassing Doggles. Not. Other than that, there’s no other way how to convey the stupidity pertaining to this product.

55. Pet Stroller

You may see your pet as your precious baby, but they aren't children nor should be treated as such. Also, I'm sure your precious Brichon Frise could certainly walk on its own. Seriously, no pet wants to go to the park pushed on a stroller.

You may see your pet as your precious baby, but they aren’t children nor should be treated as such. Also, I’m sure your precious Brichon Frise could certainly walk on its own. Seriously, no sane pet wants to go to the park pushed on a stroller.

56. Poop Freeze

After your dog poops, just spray it with this stuff before picking it up. Of course, what's even more fun than Poop Freeze? Basically having your dog poop in the yard and doing nothing about it.

After your dog poops, just spray it with this stuff before picking it up. Of course, what’s even more fun than Poop Freeze? Basically having your dog poop in the yard and doing nothing about it.

57. Croc Cat Bed

Sure cats need beds. But I don't know if a supersized croc bed really cuts it. Seriously, it just looks stupid like those shoes.

Sure cats need beds. But I don’t know if a supersized croc bed really cuts it. Seriously, it just looks stupid like those shoes.

58. “Hot Doll” Sex Toy for Dogs

Finally, the kind of toy for your dog to hump with. Of course, horny dogs basically hump on anything that moves if they can get away with it. So I don't why a dog sex toy is necessary.

Finally, the kind of toy for your dog to hump with. Of course, horny dogs basically hump on anything that moves if they can get away with it. So I don’t why a dog sex toy is necessary.

59. People Crackers for Dogs

Sure people enjoy animal crackers. So why shouldn't dogs have People crackers? Of course, they only come with mailman as far as I know.

Sure people enjoy animal crackers. So why shouldn’t dogs have People crackers? Of course, they only come with mailman as far as I know.

60. Fur Coat for Dogs

Seriously, dogs already come equipped with a fur coat from the time they're born. So why would anyone want to spend so much money on a doggie fur coat is mind boggling to me.

Seriously, dogs already come equipped with a fur coat from the time they’re born. So why would anyone want to spend so much money on a doggie fur coat is mind boggling to me.

61. Backyard Cat

This contraption is supposed to throw your kitty off balance if it should try to jump over the fence. Yeah, it's one of those outdoor torture devices you hear about. It's like attaching a cinder block to a toddler.

This contraption is supposed to throw your kitty off balance if it should try to jump over the fence. Yeah, it’s one of those outdoor torture devices you hear about. It’s like attaching a cinder block to a toddler.

62. Pet Peek

For the dog who wants to be at the other side of the fence, do you think it's helpful for making it see how the grass is greener? As your dog looks into the neighbor's yard, he will endure a lot of humiliation as it secretly plots revenge. Seriously, isn't this kind of tortuous?

For the dog who wants to be at the other side of the fence, do you think it’s helpful for making it see how the grass is greener? As your dog looks into the neighbor’s yard, he will endure a lot of humiliation as it secretly plots revenge. Seriously, isn’t this kind of tortuous?

63. Pet Digital Camera

Now this camera allows to see what your pet sees. Unfortunately, it results in a bunch of blurry shots of food bowls, floors, and other pets' behinds.

Now this camera allows to see what your pet sees. Unfortunately, it results in a bunch of blurry shots of food bowls, floors, and other pets’ behinds.

64. Puppy Tweets

This is supposed to translate your dog's activities into tweets. Now this begs the question: Who the hell sets up a Twitter account for their dog? Besides, they already have a way of social networking with other dogs. It's called pee.

This is supposed to translate your dog’s activities into tweets. Now this begs the question: Who the hell sets up a Twitter account for their dog? Besides, they already have a way of social networking with other dogs. It’s called pee.

65. “Sexy Beast” Dog Perfume

Now I've seen quite a few pet perfumes out there. However, they basically mess with your dog's senses. To them, dog perfume is basically an equivalent of you being forced to carry a large boombox around because the deaf caretakers didn't like the sound. And

Now I’ve seen quite a few pet perfumes out there. However, they basically mess with your dog’s senses. To them, dog perfume is basically an equivalent of you being forced to carry a large boombox around because the deaf caretakers didn’t like the sound. And “Sexy Beast” really?

66. Snake Walker

Yes, why not take your snake for a walk? now they could slither and frighten the living crap out of everyone in the neighborhood. And this is one of the early stupid pet products.

Yes, why not take your snake for a walk? now they could slither and frighten the living crap out of everyone in the neighborhood. And this is one of the early stupid pet products.

67. Dog Snuggie

Now a snuggie for people is one thing. But this is just insane. Seriously, if you're worried about your dog being cold and wet, just remember they're already equipped with an insulating material keeping them warm and dry. It's called fur.

Now a snuggie for people is one thing. But this is just insane. Seriously, if you’re worried about your dog being cold and wet, just remember they’re already equipped with an insulating material keeping them warm and dry. It’s called fur.

68. Turd Burglar

Now when your dog takes a dump, you can fling its shit at anyone or anything. Practice your golf game and hockey aim while making your dog's poo, your neighbor's problem.

Now when your dog takes a dump, you can fling its shit at anyone or anything. Practice your golf game and hockey aim while making your dog’s poo, your neighbor’s problem.

69. Cat Wine

If you think alcoholic drinks were just for dogs, you were wrong. Now the Japanese have come up with cat wine. Now the cats from the crazy cat lady's house can dine in style.

If you think alcoholic drinks were just for dogs, you were wrong. Now the Japanese have come up with cat wine. Now the cats from the crazy cat lady’s house can dine in style.

70. Pooch Pedometer

Now watching your weight is one thing. Watching your dog's weight? I don't know. Seriously, why does a thing like this even exist? From Japan.

Now watching your weight is one thing. Watching your dog’s weight? I don’t know. Seriously, why does a thing like this even exist? From Japan.

71. “Kitty Ditties, Cat Ballads, and Feline Airs”

Basically, this is music for cats you can get off iTunes. Such songs are supposed to convey the mood of your feline listener. Lord only knows what kinds of music cats actually enjoy.

Basically, this is music for cats you can get off iTunes. Such songs are supposed to convey the mood of your feline listener. Lord only knows what kinds of music cats actually enjoy.

72. Pupcasso Paint Kit for Dogs

Basically this kit allows your dog to express its creative side. Just have it dip their paws in and stomp on the white paper. But if they get paint all over the floor, don't blame me.

Basically this kit allows your dog to express its creative side. Just have it dip their paws in and stomp on the white paper. But if they get paint all over the floor, don’t blame me.

73. Pet Sweat

It's a fitness energy drink for pets. No, that's no mistranslation from Japanese. But why they thought pets needed a fitness drink is beyond me.

It’s a fitness energy drink for pets. No, that’s no mistranslation from Japanese. But why they thought pets needed a fitness drink is beyond me.

74.Swarovski Crystal Dog Sneakers

Seriously, your dog or cat can do just fine walking without shoes. I mean cats and dogs have been doing that for centuries. So why do we have sneakers for them?

Seriously, your dog or cat can do just fine walking without shoes. I mean cats and dogs have been doing that for centuries. So why do we have sneakers for them?

75. Fauna Sauna The Fauna Sauna Pro – Radiant Heat Panel for Pets

This object uses infared rays to heat your pet directly in front of the device. Doesn't have UV rays. Probably expensive as hell. Also comes as a bed.

This object uses infared rays to heat your pet directly in front of the device. Doesn’t have UV rays. Probably expensive as hell. Also comes as a bed.

76. Swarovski Cat Flap

Now having a cat flap is understandable. Having a cat flap encrusted with diamonds? Seriously, that's just insane. Surely your cat is fine with a regular rubber flap at the front door.

Now having a cat flap is understandable. Having a cat flap encrusted with diamonds? Seriously, that’s just insane. Surely your cat is fine with a regular rubber flap at the front door.

77. Wedding Chapel Dog House

If you think dumping tons of money for a wedding chapel is ridiculous, a dog wedding chapel? Seriously, dog weddings? Now that's just crazy. Dogs don't get married! So why they'd have weddings is beyond me.

If you think dumping tons of money for a wedding chapel is ridiculous, a dog wedding chapel? Seriously, dog weddings? Now that’s just crazy. Dogs don’t get married! So why they’d have weddings is beyond me.

78. Leopard Lace Dog Bra Chew Toy

I'm sure this was originally invented for one of Paris Hilton's stupid little lap dogs. Hey, it might make your guests a little uncomfortable but at least it's not you're going to wear this one.

I’m sure this was originally invented for one of Paris Hilton’s stupid little lap dogs. Hey, it might make your guests a little uncomfortable but at least it’s not you’re going to wear this one.

79. Diamond Dog Collar

Basically putting one of these things can show that you're rich enough to spoil your pet and have it wear jewelry. Diamond dog collars can be as much as $3 million but your dog is just as likely to chew it to pieces. Better to spend that much on a pile of bones.

Basically putting one of these things can show that you’re rich enough to spoil your pet and have it wear jewelry. Diamond dog collars can be as much as $3 million but your dog is just as likely to chew it to pieces. Better to spend that much on a pile of bones.

80. Feline Tiara

Yes, you want Precious Purfect to look like a princess. But please, put one of these on her, and you'll probably have to sleep with one eye open if it ever stays on. Might be useful for a cat beauty pageant, if one ever exists.

Yes, you want Precious Purfect to look like a princess. But please, put one of these on her, and you’ll probably have to sleep with one eye open if it ever stays on. Might be useful for a cat beauty pageant, if one ever exists.

The Cinematic Guide to Animal Husbandry

images4

Of course, everyone loves animals and they are frequently depicted in movies, particularly family films. However, if you’re thinking about getting a pet, don’t use the cinema as your guide. Sometimes you may see a movie in which animals get treated in ways that would be improper in real life, Or else would mean resulting in trips to the vet, arrests in animal abuse, or the sad untimely death of Scruffy. Common examples include feeding an animal something it shouldn’t eat, keeping it in improper conditions, or handling it in a way that would cause it great distress or even damage.  This doesn’t include examples on animal mistreatment shown on purpose. With that I list how to take care of animals, according to the movies.

1. The proper way to take care of goldfish is in a goldfish bowl. (Actually, they don’t live very long in goldfish bowls. You’re better off having it live in an aquarium or an artificial pond like deep water for swimming, lights to bask under, and some form of filtration. Same goes for turtles and other aquatic species.)

2. It’s all right to pick up to pick up an animal by it’s tail. (In regards to most animals, don’t ever do this. Tails are used for balance and aren’t strong enough safely hold an animal’s weight and can cause horrifying damage to its spine. And if it’s a cat or a dog, you might want to run because they hate it. As for lizards, you might not get a hold of it for long since it has a detachable tail. The only exception to this is a mouse but only at the tail’s base.)

3. Pulling a rabbit by the ears or the scruff of its neck won’t bring it any pain. (Oh, yes, it would and may cause the rabbit to squirm or panic. And an animal panicking is never a good thing. Besides, magicians hold up rabbits by the ears because it’s painful.)

4. It’s best to buy two hamsters and have it’s habitat with elaborate chambers so they could exercise and have a buddy. (Of course, there’s the Syrian hamster who’s a loner by nature. Pair two of them of the same sex and one will eventually kill the other. A male-female pair might work but chances are it would lead to the female continuously breeding until she dies of exhaustion. Oh, and this might lead to a “Trouble with Tribbles” meets Lord of the Flies situation as far as offspring are concerned. As with elaborate hamster habitats, you’re better off with a cage since they’re a pain to clean. A single hamster will only choose two or three places for its sleeping place and larder. The rest, it will visit and use as latrines.)

5. Feeding milk to adult mammals won’t bring any harm. (Humans are the only adult mammals capable of digesting milk since it’s the only species to possess a lactose tolerant mutation. Also, this mutation is only restricted to peoples who’ve had domestic cattle longer than recorded history {mostly in Europe and parts of Africa and Asia.} Most mammals lose their ability to digest lactose after weaning and will develop digestive problems if they have too much. With animals like cats, dogs, mice, and rats, it’s best to water it down before giving it to them depending on the breed or species. Yet, it’s not 100% effective. Otherwise they could experience an upset stomach, gas, diarrhea, and vomiting. Also, yogurt, goat’s milk, cheese, and cream are less harmful to cats.)

6. It’s all right to keep a piranha tank without a lid since it won’t jump out of a tank. (When kept as pets, they are notorious for jumping out of the to their deaths. Of course, villains want their enemies to suffer.)

7. Live insects are recommended for iguanas since they’re lizards. Most lizards eat bugs. (Unlike most lizards, iguanas are herbivores so you’re better off giving it leafy greens than insects.)

8. You won’t hurt an animal giving it chocolate. (Don’t ever feed your pet chocolate! This is especially true in dogs and cats {but cats just won’t be interested since they can’t taste sugar}. Humans metabolize theobromine much more quickly and efficiently than most animals. And for most animals, it’s very toxic and potentially fatal, especially dark chocolate. Still, don’t get alarmed if Fido gets a hold of a chocolate chip cookie. It’s the baking bars you have to worry about.)

9. A cat won’t attack you if you hold it from the scruff of its neck. (As long as you support its hind legs at the same time and know what you’re doing. Doing so may upset a cat or even strangle it which may result in it injuring itself or scratches on your face.)

10. Multiple species of fish will survive harmoniously in the same aquarium. (My Uncle Kirk does this but he’s owned fish for years and knows what fish would play well with which. This may be fine with some species, but many don’t thrive well with others. Some are too aggressive to be kept with other species, others don’t have the same tank requirements. Some may be prey for other fish. Many standard-size tanks in movies contain multiple species existing harmoniously that would more likely kill one another in real life. Still, do your research.)

11. Always feed your fish standard fish food once a day. (It’s recommended to feed your fish at least 2-3 small meals daily. Still, there are many pet fish that require a specialized diet especially if their species exist in the wild. You might want to stick to goldfish for they take pellets and don’t require much taking care of {one I brought home from school lived for 4 years.})

12. No harm can come to a pufferfish puffing up since it does this to frighten predators in the wild. (True puffers do this in the wild for scaring predators, but puffing up causes severe stress to the animal and could shorten its lifespan. Also, can seriously injure itself or die doing this.)

13. Since snakes are deaf, it’s okay to be a loud around them. (Snakes can hear just not like most animals do {through their jaws}, and loud noises can cause severe stress in them so heavy metal fans shouldn’t own one.)

14. A frog slipping out a person’s hand will land safely to the ground. (Some frogs can safely land on the ground from a certain distance. However, what you’d most likely hear if drops a frog is a loud SPLAT! followed by an unstoppable cry by a traumatized small child if one’s around. As for the visual, let’s say if you felt like passing out after having to dissect a frog in high school, you don’t want to know.)

15. Always feed your snake live food. (While snakes do swallow their food live in the wild, it’s debatable whether this is humane. However, it’s generally recommended pet snakes should be fed frozen food to the benefit of both animal and owner. Feeding live food is considered dangerous to both snake and owner. On the snake’s, the live prey will still struggle to escape and can cause injury to the animal. For the owners, feeding live food can trigger the snake’s hunting instincts making it more aggressive an more likely to bite. And if the snake is venomous, chances are, you’ll be in the ER and don’t expect the anti-venom to completely restore you, which I talked about in another post. Not to mention, your pet venomous snake can kill you if presented with live food so you should probably stick to frozen there.)

16. A bloated snake is a happy snake. (This is a serious health concern which might require immediate veterinary attention. Feeding a snake too much at one time could rupture its stomach. Snakes can die from overeating. A biweekly frozen rat is plenty.)

17. You can make a carnivorous pet turn vegan or vegetarian. (This can only be pulled off on dogs and only with special supplements and close monitoring. This shouldn’t be tried with a help of a vet. Attempting this obligate carnivores that need proteins found in flesh to survive like cats and ferrets will all ensure the animal’s death by starvation, even if it eats the food. In this case, trying to get an obligate carnivorous pet to go vegan or vegetarian is animal cruelty, which will never be shown on the Sarah MacLachlan ASPCA commercials. Still, if you’re a veggie who thinks meat is murder even if it’s by housepets that are natural predators, just stick to herbivorous pets. Simple as that. At least with them, you don’t have worry about them going vegan.)

18. Tapping aquarium glass won’t hurt the fish. (Oh, yes it can! Don’t ever do this! You can easily make Sparky and Flounder eligible for a flushing sendoff this way. Sound travels faster through water and glass so while a small glass tap may not be much noise to us, it would certainly be like a sonic boom to them.)

19. Allowing a bird to eat out of your mouth won’t hurt it. (Human saliva is extremely toxic to birds. Besides, you might get pecked in return. Also, this is disgusting.)

20. Cats can survive a large dosage of sleeping pills. (This could kill people, let alone a cat.)

21. Always feed your rabbits lettuce an carrots. (A diet consisting only of these two foods could kill rabbits. Not to mention, lettuce contains a substance highly toxic to rabbits which makes feeding the vegetable like giving a person arsenic. You may want to use both in small quantities. They mostly eat hay and grass. Iceberg lettuce is not good for guinea pigs while romaine is fine while it’s considered junk food to tortoises.)

22. Always bait a mouse trap with cheese. (You’re better off baiting a mouse trap with something a mouse normally eats like grains or nuts. Cheese is too soft for them and will only eat it if starving to death. And by then, your grain supplies would already be depleted for a long time. Best to use peanut butter instead. Yet, rats are a different story when it comes to cheese and cats basically adore it.)

23. It’s perfectly fine to let goats eat garbage ranging from paper, tin cans, and other metal. (Goats may chew on a tin can but will not actually eat it. They may eat paper labels though since it’s mostly organic. Still, this was based on a misinterpetation. Anyone who’s worked with goats will tell you this is bullshit. Not to mention, the Army and a lot of landscaping businesses use goats for lawn maintenance.)

24. You can tame most wild animals and keep them as pets. (Well, only if you’ve raised them as babies. And if successful, they will only be docile around people they know. Still, except for people who work with animals, no one should ever try doing this. Those who try to tame wild animals, may end up getting attacked or possibly killed. Also, expensive to raise, takes a lot of time to housebreak, and isn’t really good for the animal. Sure a pet lion may be cool but not worth the effort.)

25. You can keep a stray wolf-dog hybrid as a house pet. (First generation wolfdogs are notoriously unpredictable and aggressive even with feral dogs. I mean there’s a legitimate reason why Balto didn’t have much socialization with dogs and humans in the first place. As a side note, the real Balto was a trained Husky {maybe even a Malamute} so the movie lied to us.)

26. You can treat any animal like a dog. (No you can’t. Horses are especially seen being treated like this in movies being taught to sit, stay, and everything.)

27. You can make friends with animals by feeding them. (Why the hell do I see signs that say Do Not Feed the Animals? I mean they have these signs for a reason! Besides, feeding them may make things worse for you or your family.)

28. Feral dogs can be trusted around small children. (For God’s sake stray dogs should never be around little kids regardless of breed. Unsocialized dogs are quite dangerous, though easier to tame than never domesticated species as long as you know what you’re doing. Remember, “the dingo ate my baby.”)

29. If you see a wild animal in distress, it’s best to help them since they will repay you. (Depends on the circumstance and on the animal. Also, depends on your expertise with animals. If you’re a park ranger, zookeeper, or vet, then be my guest. If you don’t know whether you should, just leave it be. A wounded animal can be just as hostile as a healthy one. If it’s frothing at the mouth, just don’t go there since it may mean rabies. Still, be aware results may vary.)

3o. You can get woodland creatures to be your servants and do your chores. (Sorry, Disney, but wild animals don’t work that way and are more likely to make a mess indoors.)