Let’s face it, people love their pets and want what’s best for them. Sure caring for an animal that depends on you is a commitment that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Pet owners are responsible for caring, feeding, and exercising their furry companions so it’s no wonder that they may need to visit a pet store once in awhile. Sure Fido may need his dog food, treats, worm pills, doggy bed, some toys to chew on, a crate, and a leash for walks like he needs a check up from the vet. And if he’s a city dog, then I’m sure his owner will have to buy some cleanup equipment for his nature calls. Yes, all that costs money. Sure owners want what’s best for their animal friends but some tend to go to extreme as if their pets are like people. I mean there are owners who spend so much on their pets on things which they don’t need. I’m sure Fluffy the cat should have the best kitty littler, but come on, do you really need to give her a birthday party? Seriously, pets may be a big responsibility but they aren’t people and you shouldn’t treat them like your kid. Hell, some people spend more on their pets than their own relations. And Leona Helmsey left the bulk of her estate to her dog Trouble and disinherited two of her grandchildren. Still, this doesn’t stop people from thinking that their little Frou Frou needs a spa treatment. Nevertheless, such strange notions of pet owners give rise to some of the craziest pet stuff you’d find on the web. So without further adieu, here are some pet products that would make your local cat hoarder seem sane by comparison.
1. King-Size Cat Bed
Just because your cat needs a place to sleep, doesn’t mean it needs a bed set as fancy as yours even with side tables and drawers. Seriously, whoever dumped this much money on this luxury suite makes a conventional crazy cat lady seem normal.
Seriously, pets are animals not fashion accessories even if they are little lap dogs. Still, I wonder if they make them in Great Dane size. Now that would be funny.
3. Luxury Themed Squeak Toys
Okay, what’s with these pompous cutesy wootsy playthings? I mean they resemble nothing that a dog would actually play with nor what you’d want it to play with. Seriously, you dog can do without a “iPaw,” “iBone,” “Pawda Handbag,” and an “American Barxpress Card.”
4. Decorative Pet Tattoos or Pet Piercings
Now getting a tattoo to memorialize a furry friend is one thing. However, getting your pet a tattoo (or piercing) is just fucking insane (except if it’s for identification). Now such practices are popular in Russia and parts of Asia, but in New York State it’s mostly banned and considered animal abuse.
5. Bowser Beer for Dogs
Yes, this is beer for dogs. Seriously, just because dogs are man’s best friend, doesn’t mean we should make them our drinking buddies. Of course, there are other brands like Happy Tail Ale, Flying Dog Beer, and other brands. Yes, it’s a stupid concept but there’s money in it.
6. Dog Hot Tub
Okay, now if most people can do without their own home jacuzzi, I’m sure their pets don’t need one either. Seriously, why do these things even exist?
7. Litter Robot
Now a self-cleaning litter box may seem like a great idea. But a self-cleaning litter box that resembles a space capsule? And for $399 from SkyMall? Please.
8. PetZen DogTread Motorized Exercise Treadmill
If you want to exercise your dog but have things to do, why don’t you just hire a dog walker? I’m sure your dog will enjoy it much more than this gadget.
9. Doggie Bjorn
Just because your pup may be your baby, doesn’t mean you have to treat it like one, especially outside. Seriously, just get a leash for God’s sake and don’t worry about it dirtying its paws.
10. Woof Brew
Now I’ve heard of little girls dressing their dogs for tea time with their toys. But this is ridiculous. Seriously, does Elizabeth II have dog tea for her corgis? No, and neither should you.
11. Dog Thongs
It also functions as a doggy diaper as well, which is said to absorb odors from farts (and dog farts really do stink). But still, would any sane dog owner want to subject their pooch to such humiliation? Does it come with a tramp stamp butterfly tattoo and a propensity to make out with frat boys?
12. Premier Feather Tether Bird Harness
Now your feathered friend can enjoy the great outdoors without flying away with this bird harness. If your bird needs exercise, why don’t you just let it fly around the house (with the doors closed of course)?
13. Pet Paint
Sure your want your pet to get noticed in bright colors, but it will also make your dog look like a complete idiot and hate you. Of course, there’s pet dyeing which is popular in China, but that trend is considered animal abuse by veterinarians in America.
14. PetZoom Pet Park Dog Potty Mat
Now I’m sure having your dog do its business on artificial turf is a great idea. Then again, I wouldn’t know because I live in the country, where nature serves as a dog’s toilet.
15. Pup Poop Tent
Yes, this is a pup tent for your dog. For pooping. As if your dog really cares about privacy when nature calls, which is just a pile of dogshit. Seriously, dogs pee and take dumps in front of each other. They certainly don’t care if you have to watch them. Seriously, if they can poop somewhere and get away with it, they will and they don’t care if you have to watch.
16. Birdhouse Spy Cam Hawk Eye Miniature Nature Cam for Wildlife Viewing
Sure this product has nothing to do with pets, but still, I can just as easily watch birds in a nest in my backyard if I want to. I’m not a nature cinematographer so why would I need a bird house equipped with a surveillance camera?
17. Bowlingual & Meowlingual, Cat & Dog Translators
You know how the dogs had those translators from Up. Well, they don’t work quite like that but Japan has managed to make devices like these. Yeah, kind of makes me disappointed.
18. The Cat Scratch DJ Table
This is the kind of cat toy that was probably invented by someone who’s seen way too many cat videos on YouTube. Yes. DJ Muffenmits is in da house!
19. Inflatable Cat Unicorn Horn.
Now all we need is to color it with some pet spray paint and your cat is sure to hate you forever. Seems to be seething with rage already.
20. Yoga Cat Mat
Now I may not know much about cats as I do about dogs. But how exactly does a cat do yoga? Seriously, I really want to know how that works. I mean they have cat yoga mats.
21. Dog Camper Van
You know most campgrounds don’t allow pets. So why would anyone in their right mind would dump $800 on this? Seriously, why?
Basically this is meant to control your pet’s anxiety, by basically crushing them until they stop whining. Well, if you buy one of those, you’re basically too lazy for a pet anyway.
23. The Dog-O-Matic Dog Washing Machine
Basically, this device is supposed to wash your dog so you don’t have to. Of course, this also doubles as an animal torture device. Yes, I’m sure Fifi will now confess to eating the biscuits and never look forward to bath time again after this.
24. Cat Tunnel Sofa
Sure having a tunnel sofa for a cat might seem like a good idea. But imagine what a pain it would be to clean the thing. You’re probably better off with a regular couch.
25. “Fluo-Can” Fluorescent Dog Biscuits
Now would you eat food that glows in the dark? No, because you’d find it freaky and suspect it having radiation. So why would you want to feed your dog glow in the dark biscuits? Seriously, why?
26. Pet Jewelry
Now in a country where there are thousands of people starving and dogs wishing for warm homes in animal shelters, some Pepe la Poodle is sporting a Tiffany necklace and Swarovski pet hair clips, costing more than my house. Seriously, all that pet jewelry does is make their owners look like the rich, greedy jerks they are.
27. Dog Wine
And I thought dog beer was stupid. Now they have dog wine. If you feel like you need to spend a candlelight and wine dinner with your dog, what does that say about you? Of course, vintages consist of Pinot Tail-io, Bark-deaux, Char-Dog-Nay and Grr-lot.
28. Bacon Bubble Machine
Sure you might want to blow bubbles with your dog. Yet, bacon scented bubbles will just give your dog false hope for bacon. Seriously, it’s just cruel.
29. Luxury Dog House
Jesus Christ, the pooch who lives here seems to have it much better than I do. Seriously, there are people who don’t live as good as this. For God’s sake, dogs really don’t need all that.
30. Airpress O2
Do you and your dog live in China? If not, then I’d hold on to your 2 million yen if I were you. Seriously, oxygen bars for people are just a past fad back who knows when. So I’m not sure why you should subject your dog to the same treatment.
31. Cat Bib
This is supposed to keep your cat from hunting birds. Effective? I wouldn’t bet on it. Humiliating? I’ll say.
32. Designer Pet Clothes
And to think designer children’s clothing was ridiculous enough. Seriously, dogs and cats don’t need clothes most of the time for God’s sake. Stick with a child’s old sweater or a ripped T-shirt instead.
33. Pet Master PDA
Sure it might be convenient such as organizing your pet’s schedule. But it might make you wonder who’s the real master in your and your pet’s relationship.
34. Pet Pavilion
For those who think a perfect pet setting is an incubator reserved for scientific experiments. That, or a critter Intensive Care Unit. Seriously, if your little dog is sick, just take it to a vet and spare the $10,000.
35. Litter Kwitter
Tired of cleaning litter boxes? Wanting to potty train your cat? Well, say hello to Litter Kwitter Cat Toilet Training System. As with getting your cat to use it, well, good luck with that.
36. Goldfish Walker
If you think your goldfish needs some space, why don’t you just buy a bigger tank for God’s sake? Seriously, goldfish only live for a few years at the most and swim in the water most of the time. As to why anyone would feel the need for a goldfish walker is beyond me.
37. Kitty Wigs
Now I’m sure Kitty here really isn’t appreciating this photo op. Seriously, pets aren’t dolls, people! Would you want someone to put a funky wig on you? Of course, not!
38. Frosty Paws Ice Cream
Dog ice cream? Seriously? Do you think dogs go for that? Please, just spend that money on dog treats, bacon, and steak. I mean dogs are more likely to look forward to leftover dinner scraps than this.
39. Kong Stuff’n Paste
Basically this is doggie Cheez-Whiz, which you can put in your dog’s Kong toy. Yes, your dog might go nuts for it but how about when the meaty chunks fester in the Kong toy creating bacteria? Yeah, that would be a bitch to clean up.
These are silicon testicular implants for the male dogs whose naughty bits have been snipped by the vet so to speak. If you wish to have Rocko neutered and your spouse is against the idea, then these are for you.
Now this is a contraption that creates an outdoor patio for your cat. Install it like you would an air conditioner. Then again, you’re probably better off putting an air conditioner through your window than this thing.
42. Designer Dog Handbag
Yes, I’m sure your dog has a deep burning desire to imitate Kim Kardashian (sarcasm). Of course, why your pooch would need a fancy schmancy Park Avenue purse is beyond me.
43. Nail Pawlish
For the owner who wants to put the “pet” in pedicure. Sure this will make your pet’s claws look pretty. But I wonder how the owners would fare after being mauled by their technicolor clawed animals.
44. Pet Chime
Yes, barking and scratching are really annoying. But forcing your dog to quietly ring the doorbell if it wants to go outside, are you kidding me? Just let it be a dog for God’s sake.
45. Pet Corrector
This “ear bleeding bull horn” is a way to terrify your pet into hating you as you sound the thing when it barks unexpectedly. Yeah, trying to instill doggie discipline through that thing makes it want to rip your legs off.
46. Healthlab Digital Body Fat Scale
I’m well aware that many dogs suffer from obesity, but still do you really need this? If your dog is overweight, your vet will tell you. Otherwise, just give it plenty of exercise and keep it off junk food.
47. Pooch Pants
Basically it’s a dog diaper. Yeah, make it crap the shit out so you’d have to clean dried poop from its rear end. Still, it’s machine washable if you’re wondering.
48. Pet Sweep
And I thought the Slipper Genie was bad. Sure it would be nice for Old Yeller to do some chores around the house. But put these on him and he’s certain to secretly plan to kill his lazy ass owner on the couch.
49. Cat Wheel
It’s like a hamster wheel, except that it’s huge and serves no real purpose. Seriously, it’s said you have to distract your cat with a cat toy to get it in this thing. Yeah, $100 isn’t worth it.
50. Poop Trap
This is supposed to transfer the responsibility of cleanup from the owner to the dog. Of course, it also subjects the dog to walks of humiliation with no way to recapture its dignity. Seriously, I can’t imagine what happens if the bag breaks.
51. Pet High Chair
Nothing makes your dog able to eat at the table than a chair that makes it completely immobilized. Yes, it’s supposed to promote “refined behavior” but I’m sure it will suffer an occasional bout of panicked urination.
52. Rear Gear Butt Ornaments
For those who can’t stand the sight of a dog’s rear end, there’s a cover for that, folks. Seriously, can’t you just let a dog be a dog for God’s sake. Certainly dog’s deserved to be spared from such indignities that make other dogs laugh with them (as well as people).
To be fair, this would be great for your dog if you live in a really bad neighborhood or next to Cruella DeVil. I mean it’s a way to call your pet while you’re away from home. Imagine all the one sided conversations you two will have.
Yeah, I’m sure Buddy wants to be seen at the beach with those embarrassing Doggles. Not. Other than that, there’s no other way how to convey the stupidity pertaining to this product.
55. Pet Stroller
You may see your pet as your precious baby, but they aren’t children nor should be treated as such. Also, I’m sure your precious Brichon Frise could certainly walk on its own. Seriously, no sane pet wants to go to the park pushed on a stroller.
56. Poop Freeze
After your dog poops, just spray it with this stuff before picking it up. Of course, what’s even more fun than Poop Freeze? Basically having your dog poop in the yard and doing nothing about it.
57. Croc Cat Bed
Sure cats need beds. But I don’t know if a supersized croc bed really cuts it. Seriously, it just looks stupid like those shoes.
58. “Hot Doll” Sex Toy for Dogs
Finally, the kind of toy for your dog to hump with. Of course, horny dogs basically hump on anything that moves if they can get away with it. So I don’t why a dog sex toy is necessary.
59. People Crackers for Dogs
Sure people enjoy animal crackers. So why shouldn’t dogs have People crackers? Of course, they only come with mailman as far as I know.
60. Fur Coat for Dogs
Seriously, dogs already come equipped with a fur coat from the time they’re born. So why would anyone want to spend so much money on a doggie fur coat is mind boggling to me.
61. Backyard Cat
This contraption is supposed to throw your kitty off balance if it should try to jump over the fence. Yeah, it’s one of those outdoor torture devices you hear about. It’s like attaching a cinder block to a toddler.
62. Pet Peek
For the dog who wants to be at the other side of the fence, do you think it’s helpful for making it see how the grass is greener? As your dog looks into the neighbor’s yard, he will endure a lot of humiliation as it secretly plots revenge. Seriously, isn’t this kind of tortuous?
63. Pet Digital Camera
Now this camera allows to see what your pet sees. Unfortunately, it results in a bunch of blurry shots of food bowls, floors, and other pets’ behinds.
64. Puppy Tweets
This is supposed to translate your dog’s activities into tweets. Now this begs the question: Who the hell sets up a Twitter account for their dog? Besides, they already have a way of social networking with other dogs. It’s called pee.
65. “Sexy Beast” Dog Perfume
Now I’ve seen quite a few pet perfumes out there. However, they basically mess with your dog’s senses. To them, dog perfume is basically an equivalent of you being forced to carry a large boombox around because the deaf caretakers didn’t like the sound. And “Sexy Beast” really?
66. Snake Walker
Yes, why not take your snake for a walk? now they could slither and frighten the living crap out of everyone in the neighborhood. And this is one of the early stupid pet products.
67. Dog Snuggie
Now a snuggie for people is one thing. But this is just insane. Seriously, if you’re worried about your dog being cold and wet, just remember they’re already equipped with an insulating material keeping them warm and dry. It’s called fur.
68. Turd Burglar
Now when your dog takes a dump, you can fling its shit at anyone or anything. Practice your golf game and hockey aim while making your dog’s poo, your neighbor’s problem.
69. Cat Wine
If you think alcoholic drinks were just for dogs, you were wrong. Now the Japanese have come up with cat wine. Now the cats from the crazy cat lady’s house can dine in style.
70. Pooch Pedometer
Now watching your weight is one thing. Watching your dog’s weight? I don’t know. Seriously, why does a thing like this even exist? From Japan.
71. “Kitty Ditties, Cat Ballads, and Feline Airs”
Basically, this is music for cats you can get off iTunes. Such songs are supposed to convey the mood of your feline listener. Lord only knows what kinds of music cats actually enjoy.
72. Pupcasso Paint Kit for Dogs
Basically this kit allows your dog to express its creative side. Just have it dip their paws in and stomp on the white paper. But if they get paint all over the floor, don’t blame me.
73. Pet Sweat
It’s a fitness energy drink for pets. No, that’s no mistranslation from Japanese. But why they thought pets needed a fitness drink is beyond me.
74.Swarovski Crystal Dog Sneakers
Seriously, your dog or cat can do just fine walking without shoes. I mean cats and dogs have been doing that for centuries. So why do we have sneakers for them?
75. Fauna Sauna The Fauna Sauna Pro – Radiant Heat Panel for Pets
This object uses infared rays to heat your pet directly in front of the device. Doesn’t have UV rays. Probably expensive as hell. Also comes as a bed.
76. Swarovski Cat Flap
Now having a cat flap is understandable. Having a cat flap encrusted with diamonds? Seriously, that’s just insane. Surely your cat is fine with a regular rubber flap at the front door.
77. Wedding Chapel Dog House
If you think dumping tons of money for a wedding chapel is ridiculous, a dog wedding chapel? Seriously, dog weddings? Now that’s just crazy. Dogs don’t get married! So why they’d have weddings is beyond me.
78. Leopard Lace Dog Bra Chew Toy
I’m sure this was originally invented for one of Paris Hilton’s stupid little lap dogs. Hey, it might make your guests a little uncomfortable but at least it’s not you’re going to wear this one.
79. Diamond Dog Collar
Basically putting one of these things can show that you’re rich enough to spoil your pet and have it wear jewelry. Diamond dog collars can be as much as $3 million but your dog is just as likely to chew it to pieces. Better to spend that much on a pile of bones.
80. Feline Tiara
Yes, you want Precious Purfect to look like a princess. But please, put one of these on her, and you’ll probably have to sleep with one eye open if it ever stays on. Might be useful for a cat beauty pageant, if one ever exists.