Yet, double weddings and caves aren’t the only things Captain Widdershins discusses at dinner. He talks about how the V.F.D. submarines explored most of the seas and always had an author mascot on their uniforms. He recalls his time as part of the “Volunteer Fire Domestication” at Anwhistle Aquatics, which trained salmon to swim upstream and look out for forest fires. And I thought salmon swam upstream to reproduce and die. He discusses the Snickets siblings who had something as the Snicketsnee which stole the fleet along with Café Salmonella. But they also did more than that. Kit helped build the Queequeg. Jacques investigated the Royal Gardens Fire and sometimes worked aboard the Queequeg when he had nothing else going on. Then there’s a third sibling whose name he can’t remember but had marmosets. Of course, we know he’s Lemony though the Baudelaires don’t.
Once again, I go to Disney for the song parody with “A Whale of a Tale” from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, which had Kirk Douglas sing to his fellow sailors about the women he’s been with and end up double crossing him. In this version, I have Captain Widdershins discuss some V.F.D. stuff over dinner. Though I don’t expect him doing a dance like Kirk Douglas.
“A Whale of a Tale” (ASOUE Version)
Sung by Captain Widdershins
Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, kids
A whale of a tale or two
‘Bout the submarines and that V.F.D.
On nights like this under the open seas
A whale of a tale and it’s all true,
I swear by my tattoo
I was at fire domestication
At Anwhistle Aquatics Center
We trained salmon
To look out for forest fires
As well as swim upstream
Then one day Café Salmonella
Stole the Snicketsnee’s fleet
Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, kids
A whale of a tale or two
‘Bout the submarines and that V.F.D.
On nights like this under the open seas
A whale of a tale and it’s all true,
I swear by my tattoo
There were the three Snickets
Queequeg was partly built by Kit
Jacques would help me
While he had no other projects
And his brother
He worked with marmosets
Though he and your dad were tight
He is your mother’s ex
Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, kids
A whale of a tale or two
‘Bout the submarines and that V.F.D.
On nights like this under the open seas
A whale of a tale and it’s all true,
I swear by my tattoo
All these V.F.D.’s submarines
Have explored most of the waters
Fiona’s mother, quite a stunner
When I had caught her
The best crewman
That I have ever seen
(He has ever seen)
But she had an accident with
Some freak manatee!
Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, kids
A whale of a tale or two
‘Bout the submarines and that V.F.D.
On nights like this under the open seas
A whale of a tale and it’s all true,
I swear by my tattoo
Things get chaotic as the Queequeg crew is interrupted by an approaching submarine on the sonar. Symbolized by an eye logo, it’s a ship shaped like a giant octopus with many tentacles. But inside, they see Count Olaf. Fortunately, the shut down all of the Queequeg’s engines and remain as silent as possible until the octo-sub passes and Olaf doesn’t notice them. Just as things get more tense, they see a third shape of the question mark pass by as well that the crew doesn’t see. Yet, it seems to scare Count Olaf. Anyway, while I’m not sure what the Queequeg runs on and think it can possibly be a nuclear sub, the octo-sub is run by the labor of children from the Snow Scouts, Prufrock Prep, among others. Oh, and did I now tell you he intends to burn their parents’ houses and steal their fortunes?
The song I picked is “Hurricane” from Hamilton in which the title character describes how one destroyed his town in his Caribbean home and how he wrote his way out of hell for a new life in the colonies. Now that he found himself in the midst of a blackmail and sex scandal, he decides to write his way out of that, too, with the Reynolds Pamphlet. However, this results in the whole thing blowing in Alex’s face. In this version, I have Klaus describe his experience with Hurricane Herman and how he intends to read the maps to find the Sugar Bowl.
Since this is a musical, any hint of sexual tension is bound to be exploited to the nth degree here, I decided to have Fiona sing “Come a Little Bit Closer” by Jay & the Americans which was featured in the second Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack. The original version tells a story of a young woman romantically involved with Jose but seduces the narrator with flattering words until he’s love-stricken. After they kiss and Jose chases the guy away, she uses the exact same words on him, suggesting she goes with the same script for every suitor. In other words, she’s a player, y’all. In this version, I have Fiona entice Klaus since she’s the only guy she’s seen in a long time.
The Lone Girl in a Crowd 