A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Beyond Broke Telegraph”


After putting donning their uniforms, the Baudelaires get to work. Violet works on the telegraph device so the Queenqueg can receive Volunteer Factual Dispatches. Otherwise, all is lost. But despite pressure from Captain Widdershins, Violet doesn’t see much wrong with it though she makes a few minor repairs. Yet, she still can’t see why the submarine isn’t getting any messages. So she gets the idea that someone is sabotaging the system to keep volunteers from communicating with each other. That might explain why the Baudelaires weren’t able to hear a message from Mr. Poe. However, Violet would rather repair other stuff on the Queequeg like the steering and possibly the pipes. After all, in a submarine in such disrepair that many of its rooms are flooded, she has her work cut out for her.


I know it’s straying a bit but I had to go with Jimmy Buffet’s “Coconut Telegraph” which consists of SSB networks are simply an organized meeting place on a particular radio frequency at an established time, where an unlimited number of boaters can meet and share the latest weather forecasts and local news. Nets are usually controlled by one person, who acts something like a telephone operator to direct the flow of callers. In other words, it’s a way of sharing information and stories between sailors and how they stay in touch between ports. In this version, I have Violet explaining to the captain that the telegram device’s problems are out of her range.


“Beyond Broke Telegraph”

Sung by Violet Baudelaire

Want me to fix the device
To get your latest dispatch
But I think you assigned me
To a near futile task

I’ve made a few minors repairs
Still can’t get anything through
If you can’t receive a message
Then I’m not sure what to do

You can’t hear it on the beyond broke telegraph
There’s nothing I can really do
You can’t hear it on the beyond broke telegraph
You can’t get a thing through
A thing through, a thing through

Your device really isn’t broken
Problem’s at the other end
No one’s sending any message
So I think we’re screwed, my friend

Someone’s disrupting the cable wires
Though I don’t know for sure
Think it may be Count Olaf
Though I can’t say anything more

You can’t hear it on the beyond broke telegraph
All the lines seem dead
You can’t hear it on the beyond broke telegraph
What is being said
Being said, what’s being said

Sorry, but I got to tell you
And the lines have all gone dead
Can’t seem to get any message
Can I fix your steering instead

We once tried to send a T-gram
To banker named Mr. Poe
Though he may be an asshole
Guess this case may be so

Tried to fix the beyond broke telegraph
But nothing can’t do the trick
Tried to fix the beyond broke telegraph
Seems like we’re in deep shit

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s