However, whether he’s aware of it or not, Count Olaf isn’t in very good shape by The End. And unlike the Baudelaires, he can’t claim that it’s his own fault. For one, he’s stuck with the children on a boat in the middle of the ocean. While this situation might provide opportunity for Olaf to murder them and get away with it, he can’t really do that since they’re rowing his boat. Not to mention, he’s in no position to get the Baudelaire fortune or anyone else’s anytime soon. Second, most of his henchmen by this point have either deserted him or died in horrible ways thanks to him. Third, all his plans have been ruined. Oh, and there’s a storm coming.

The song I chose here is Bob Dylan’s career-defining “Like a Rolling Stone” which is about a spoiled rich girl who’s fallen from grace and is reduced to fending for herself in an hostile and unfamiliar world. The song’s subject previously opted for easy options in life but now that her situation has become difficult, she seems to have no meaningful experiences that define her character. Of course, the Baudelaires can relate to that incredibly well. Anyway, there are theories that Dylan might’ve based this song on former girlfriend Edie Sedgewick over her treatment by Andy Warhol, his targets Marianne Faithfull, Joan Baez, and Bob Neuwirth, or even himself. In this version, I have the Baudelaires let Count Olaf know about his true situation, which they’re all too familiar with.

“Like a Rolling Stone” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Once upon a time you dressed so fine
You stole from bums a dime in your prime, didn’t you?
People’d call, say, “Beware man, you’re bound to flat”
You thought they were all kiddin’ you
You used to laugh about
Everybody that was hangin’ out
Now you don’t talk so loud
Now you don’t seem so proud
About having to be scrounging for your next meal

How does it feel?
How does it feel
To be without a home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

Klaus:
You’ve gone to the finest school all right, Count Olaf
But you know you only used to get juiced in it
And nobody’s ever taught you how to live out on the sea
And now you’re gonna have to get used to it
You said you’d never compromise
With the Baudelaire brats, but now you realize
We’re not selling any alibis
As you stare into the vacuum of our eyes
And say do you want to make a deal?

How does it feel?
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
A complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

Violet:
You never turned around to see the frowns of your henchmen on their rounds
When they all did things for you
You never understood that it ain’t no good
You shouldn’t let other people get your kicks for you
You used to ride on the chrome horse with your hooked hand man
Whose little sister got in Klaus’s pants
Ain’t it hard when you discover that
He really wasn’t where it’s at
After he took from you everything he could steal

How does it feel?
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

Klaus:
Princes on the steeple and all the pretty people
They’re all drinkin’, thinkin’ that they got it made
Exchanging all precious gifts
But you’d better take your diamond ring, you’d better pawn it knave
You used to be so amused
At Napoleon in rags and the language that he used
Go to him now, he calls you, you can’t refuse
When you ain’t got nothing, you got nothing to lose
You’re invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?