A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Hold the Line”

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Meanwhile, the Baudelaires are trying to figure out what to do about their situation. Sunny suggests diving for seafood since they have nothing else but beans to eat, but neither of her older siblings are enthusiastic about. Klaus doesn’t have anything useful in his commonplace book. Violet might make a compass but she doesn’t know where they’re going so it would be kind of pointless. And they can’t really go back to V.F.D. since they escaped on a boat with Count Olaf. Then Sunny suggests the notion of pushing Count Olaf overboard which might solve some of their problems. But strangely this gives them a bad taste in their mouths, that they’re wondering what their parents would do. After all, they were noble people, right? Yet, Olaf told them they were involved in a plot pertaining to poison darts. They’ve also started question their own moral compass, too. However, before they make their move, Count Olaf announces that he’s a genius since he spotted a storm cloud coming towards them. Their little boat seems doomed and there’s nothing they can do about it.

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The song I chose for the Baudelaires here is Toto’s “Hold the Line” which is about being patient in a relationship like waiting for a phone call on hold. In this version, the Baudelaires consider throwing Count Olaf until it starts becoming a bad idea that they eventually refrain from. Though to be fair, it’s not like you can blame them for throwing him overboard. But it’s not like them.

 

“Hold the Line” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
So what do we do about Olaf?
He’s bossing us rowing his damn boat
I can make a compass but where would we go
Look in your notebook, Klaus, and see what you know
Can’t join volunteers, since we’re stuck with Count Olaf on this boat

Hold the line
Can’t we just throw him this time?
Whoa oh oh
Hold the line
Can’t we just throw him this time?
Whoa oh oh

Klaus:
My book doesn’t have anything useful
Sunny thinks we should push him overboard
How many times has he made our lives hell?
But were our folks good or would’ve said, “Might as well.”
Though pushing him in seems to be really looking quite good

Hold the line
Can’t we just throw him this time?
Whoa oh oh
Hold the line
Can’t we just throw him this time?
Whoa oh oh

Violet:
We’d like to think our folks nice and noble
Yet, Olaf says they used poison darts, oooh
If we throw him, how would that make us look?
Despite he’s a monster and a real shameless crook
Can’t think now since there’s a storm ahead and there’s not much we can do

Hold the line
Can’t we just throw him this time?
Whoa oh oh
Hold the line
Can’t we just throw him this time?
(Can’t we just throw him this time?)
Hold the line
Can’t we just throw him this time?
(Can’t we just throw him, can’t we just throw him this time?)
Hold the line
Can’t we just throw him this time?
Can’t we just throw him this time?
Can’t we just throw him this time?
Can’t we just throw him this time?
Whoa oh oh

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Like a Rolling Stone”

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However, whether he’s aware of it or not, Count Olaf isn’t in very good shape by The End. And unlike the Baudelaires, he can’t claim that it’s his own fault. For one, he’s stuck with the children on a boat in the middle of the ocean. While this situation might provide opportunity for Olaf to murder them and get away with it, he can’t really do that since they’re rowing his boat. Not to mention, he’s in no position to get the Baudelaire fortune or anyone else’s anytime soon. Second, most of his henchmen by this point have either deserted him or died in horrible ways thanks to him. Third, all his plans have been ruined. Oh, and there’s a storm coming.

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The song I chose here is Bob Dylan’s career-defining “Like a Rolling Stone” which is about a spoiled rich girl who’s fallen from grace and is reduced to fending for herself in an hostile and unfamiliar world. The song’s subject previously opted for easy options in life but now that her situation has become difficult, she seems to have no meaningful experiences that define her character. Of course, the Baudelaires can relate to that incredibly well. Anyway, there are theories that Dylan might’ve based this song on former girlfriend Edie Sedgewick over her treatment by Andy Warhol, his targets Marianne Faithfull, Joan Baez, and Bob Neuwirth, or even himself. In this version, I have the Baudelaires let Count Olaf know about his true situation, which they’re all too familiar with.

 

“Like a Rolling Stone” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Once upon a time you dressed so fine
You stole from bums a dime in your prime, didn’t you?
People’d call, say, “Beware man, you’re bound to flat”
You thought they were all kiddin’ you
You used to laugh about
Everybody that was hangin’ out
Now you don’t talk so loud
Now you don’t seem so proud
About having to be scrounging for your next meal

How does it feel?
How does it feel
To be without a home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

Klaus:
You’ve gone to the finest school all right, Count Olaf
But you know you only used to get juiced in it
And nobody’s ever taught you how to live out on the sea
And now you’re gonna have to get used to it
You said you’d never compromise
With the Baudelaire brats, but now you realize
We’re not selling any alibis
As you stare into the vacuum of our eyes
And say do you want to make a deal?

How does it feel?
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
A complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

Violet:
You never turned around to see the frowns of your henchmen on their rounds
When they all did things for you
You never understood that it ain’t no good
You shouldn’t let other people get your kicks for you
You used to ride on the chrome horse with your hooked hand man
Whose little sister got in Klaus’s pants
Ain’t it hard when you discover that
He really wasn’t where it’s at
After he took from you everything he could steal

How does it feel?
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

Klaus:
Princes on the steeple and all the pretty people
They’re all drinkin’, thinkin’ that they got it made
Exchanging all precious gifts
But you’d better take your diamond ring, you’d better pawn it knave
You used to be so amused
At Napoleon in rags and the language that he used
Go to him now, he calls you, you can’t refuse
When you ain’t got nothing, you got nothing to lose
You’re invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “As the Money Comes Rolling In”

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Since he feels that he has the Baudelaires in his clutches, Count Olaf feels that their fortune will soon be his. And what does he plan to do with it? Well, buy a brand new shiny luxury car with a powerful engine for going over the speed limit and an extra-thick bumper to prevent scratching whenever he rams into other cars. He plans to name the car after himself so when he squeals the brakes, people will say “Here comes Count Olaf!” He then directs the children to head for the nearest luxury car dealership. But the Baudelaires know that he’s delusional at this point. Though he does call the kids his henchmen, they didn’t have much choice to come with him. And threaten them with the Medusoid Mycelium helmet.

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The song I chose for this is “And the Money Kept Rolling In (and Out)” from Evita which describes Eva Peron’s philanthropy to increase her reputation and get a little on the side (as far as this musical depicts). In this version, I have Count Olaf imagine what he intends to do with the Baudelaire fortune which will have nothing to do with giving to charity whatsoever. Since Olaf cares for nobody but himself, though he does talk about putting the money in a Swiss bank account to avoid taxes and arrest.

 

“As the Money Comes Rolling In”

Sung by Count Olaf

Count Olaf:
As the money comes rolling in from every side
While my dirty hands reach out and they reach wide
Now you may feel I should give it to some voluntary cause
Ah, but that’s not the point, you brats

When the money comes rolling in, you don’t ask how
Think of how Count Olaf gonna see some good times now
Once I have your family fortune, you will be no more
Never been a fund like the fortune of the Baudelaires

Violet and Klaus:
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!

Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!

Rolling on in, rolling on in, rolling on in, on in!

Count Olaf:
Set a course towards a near luxury dealership
Got to get myself a new shiny car with a bumper extra thick
Your vast family fortune can make my dreams come true
Though I must kill you, you brats

Got to have a powerful engine so I can drive past the legal limit
Would like to ram it into people without getting a scratch in it
Will name the car after myself, in case you want to know
When they hear my breaks squeal, they’ll say, “There goes Count Olaf!”

Violet and Klaus:
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!

Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!

Rolling on in, rolling on in, rolling on in, on in!

Count Olaf:
As the money comes rolling in from all directions
From the dead, from the old, from the rich orphans of all complexions
Now cynics claim too much of the cash has gone astray
Ah, but that’s not the point, you brats

When the money comes rolling in, you don’t keep books
You can tell you’ve done well by how nice your mansion looks
Accountants only slow things down, figures get in the way
Never will be a man so stinking rich as Count Olaf!

Violet and Klaus:
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!

Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!

Rolling on in, rolling on in, rolling on in, on in!

Violet:
Oh, God!

Count Olaf:
When the money comes rolling in, what’s a man to do?
Got to hide all that cash away from the taxman – wouldn’t you?
But where on Earth and people hide their little piece of Heaven?
Thank God for Switzerland!

Where a man has grabbed a lot of petty cash from fortunes
Can be sure, when he deposits, no one’s seen them
Oh, what bliss to sign your checks as three-oh-one-two-seven!
Never been accounts in the name of Count Olaf!

Violet and Klaus:
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!

Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!

Rolling on in, rolling on in, rolling on in
Rolling on in, rolling on in, rolling on in, on in!

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “The Actor Hasn’t Learned the Lines (You’d Like to Hear)”

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In the last book, The End, the Baudelaires are trapped on a boat departing from the burning Hotel Denouement into the sea. And they’re accompanied by a man they have spent the whole series fleeing as he’s been after their fortune and their lives. You know, Count Olaf. You can imagine the misery on these kids. It doesn’t help that Olaf has been sitting around giving orders as well as renaming the boat after himself which was previously called The Carmelita. Also, they have nothing to eat but beans. However, Count Olaf has been celebrating his triumph over the Baudelaires, Hotel Denouement, and V.F.D.

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Nevertheless, I couldn’t think of a better song for the start than Evita’s “The Actress Hasn’t Learned the Lines (You’d Like to Hear)” where Evita basically says she’s not going to conform to the expectations Argentina’s aristocracy pressures her, especially since they don’t even like her. She even says that everything she does will be justified by her foundation despite the song heavily implying how selfish she might be (in real life, she may not have been like that at all). However, in this version, I have Count Olaf emphasize how he doesn’t really care what the Baudelaires think of him or anyone else.

 

“The Actor Hasn’t Learned the Lines (You’d Like to Hear)”

Violet:
Is this how our story ends?
Only an actor would pretend
He’s triumphed while we’re out to sea
Celebrating while we’re eating beans
My how our lot begins to turn
When will the evil man ever learn?
My how our lot begins to turn
When will the evil man ever learn?

Count Olaf:
This famed actor hasn’t learned the lines you’d like to hear
He won’t go scrambling over the backs of the poor to be accepted
By making donations just large enough to the correct charity
He’ll just take your fortune and buy himself a new car fast and shiny
Which I’ll just name after me
And it’ll be a car unsafe at any speed

The actor hasn’t the lines you’d like to hear
He won’t join your clubs, he won’t dance in your halls
He won’t help the hungry once a month at your tombolas
He’ll simply take control as you disappear

Klaus:
Forgive my intrusion, but fine as those sentiments sound
We’re stuck with you at sea, we’re working this boat around
I hate to sound childish, ungrateful, I don’t like to moan
But do you now represent anyone’s cause but your own?

Count Olaf:
Why don’t you shut up and keep rowing like my good henchmen?